Aquaman and the Others #5

Legend is so old he's basically just sentient dust.

This comic book is so uninteresting that people aren't even interested in reading my hilariously biting commentary on it! Emphasis on the hilarious! Instead of commenting on this comic book, I should comment on my commentary of this comic book! No wait. That would mean I'd have to write two commentaries. I don't even want to write one commentary on this comic book! Whenever I write about Aquaman, somebody always has to point out how I don't get the character and how he's so much more than a fish rapist pervert manipulative asshole!

Fictional characters can't sue you for libel, right? But if they can, is anybody willing to dress up like Aquaman and fuck a fish so I can get it on video to prove that I wasn't being libelous? It would also help if you were a lawyer that could defend me in the fraud case that happens after I try to use the fish fucking video in court.

Last issue, Legend accidentally let it slip that his armor was the only thing keeping him alive. This issue, I can't imagine how the Others will defeat Legend! Hmm, I thought those two statements were going to have more in common than they wound up having. Oh well!

Jesus, dude! Did you ever take a high school English class? Show don't tell! Get on with it already!

Is that all it would take for a super villain to finally be successful? Take one high school English class? Learn to just fucking do it instead of talking about doing it? I think I might be a super villain! I love talking about all the things I plan to do but never have time to do because giant robots need to be shot down on the Xbox.

One of Legend's descendants (the male one. The one with the name I can't remember because he's boring?) suggests they begin the ritual before something happens. He probably should have made the suggestion earlier because something happens. That something is Vostok XI and Ya'wara return from the moon with the last of the stolen gold. I guess that could be a good thing that happens since Legend probably needs Vostok's helmet for his Golden Helmet and Ya'wara's orb to for his Golden Codpiece. More likely it's a bad thing and Legend is about to get his ass kicked.

It seems like I've only commented on a small portion of the comic book so far, but it's already halfway over! I guess if I wrote a paragraph describing Ya'wara's butt-cheeks every time they appear, this commentary would be twenty pages long by now.

These thugs are so bad at their jobs that The Others don't even have to pay attention as they beat the thugs senseless.

Aquaman is tossed into the pool with the Relics and he's healed. Maybe he's immortal now! Ugh, I hope not.

Oh look! There's old what's-his-name trying to hurry the plan along again! Shut up, dummy!

Poor Hurry-It-Along takes two bullets to the chest from iSpy because Legend couldn't get his act together. This is what happens when you dilly-dally, children! Or what happens when your parents dilly-dally. So make sure your parents aren't complete fuckups that procrastinate when it comes to just about everything, like saving for your college or killing the good guys that are trying to thwart their villainous plans.

Aquaman returns to end it all by stabbing Legend in the chest with his trident and turning him into a pile of dust. Just like on the cover! So wait. I didn't have to purchase this comic book at all? The big climactic moment was right there on the cover? What the fuck?! I wish I'd gotten the Selfie Variant!

After the battle, Aquaman and the Others determine that Vostok is a clown and tell him so right to his face. It's kind of rude. He denies it but I think being a clown in Russia is a good thing. At least according to Billy Joel.

Bye!

Aquaman and The Others #5 Rating: No change. The issue ends with Sky giving the Seal of Clarity to Kahina's sister and Vostok XI taking the place of Vostok X. I suppose Sky will remain with The Others since she and iSpy's grandson have some kind of romantic something or other happening between them. Plus she has the Land of the Dead power which I should probably sue her over since that was Super Mummy's super power! Oh, you don't know who Super Mummy was? Well, that doesn't mean Dan Jurgens can go around stealing my ideas even though nobody knows about them! I shouldn't have put them on the internet! Fucking thieves!

Green Lantern #34

Somebody at my comic book store must be wondering why they're not receiving the variant covers they asked for. I certainly didn't ask for them! Although they're spoiler free, so that's a change of pace from most covers.

This issue begins in Space Sector 0687 following an alien that, I'm fairly confident, makes illegal drugs. This might be the first time Sector 0687 has been visited since I have no notes concerning the creatures or planets that can be found within it. That doesn't prove that Sector 0687 hasn't been mentioned because I have been known, in the past, to be a horrendous taker of notes. The only reason I made it through college was because I majored in Reading Books and my interpretations of themes and plots were always vastly superior to what the teachers were telling us they were. Maybe. I could be remembering it all wrong for the sake of vanity. I did get a B in Rugby and never played single game. Or met the teacher. Or anybody else in the class, for that matter. Or ever did anything at all except sign up for it and then never got around to dropping it. College was easy!

The creature's name is Agarushnawokliag and he's one of the escapees from the Sciencells on Oa That Was. Now that the Great Green Lantern Corps Misunderstanding is over, Hal has found a little free time to do some bounty hunting.

Just try telling me this guy wasn't cooking up some Space Meth. Or don't try. Whatever.

How can Hal Jordan keep a straight face when calling his ring the most powerful weapon in the universe when it's barely worked against any threat he's faced since The New 52 began?! I'm sure it'll finally work just fine against this little Court of Owls looking motherfucker. Hal can't get his ass beat in the first few pages of a new story arc!

Whoops! My mistake!

I think I miss the yellow flaw! It wasn't so much a crutch which the Green Lanterns had to work with as it was a crutch so that writers would have a reason for the most powerful weapon in the universe to fail. Now the rings don't have the flaw anymore but they don't seem to work against the majority of the creatures they battle! This guy sucks down emotion so the more willpower Hal uses, the more...wait a second! Willpower isn't an emotion! Kick his ass, Jordan!

Lucky for Hal, the truly most powerful weapon in the universe was lying nearby where he was pinned by Agarushnawokliag!

The Stick™!

Hal packs up his bounty and heads back to Mogo where he finds Simon Baz waiting for him. And Simon currently has his gun strapped to his hip! Good for him! These Green Lantern rings are unreliable! Jordan wouldn't have had to use The Stick™ if he had the foresight to carry a back-up weapon. Who am I kidding? Hal's too arrogant to believe he needs anything besides the ring and his fists.

Simon Baz has escorted Hal's brother and his brother's family to Mogo for a visit. I hope this is the incursion that the title mentioned since the title was "Incursion." That way I can finish up my commentary right now by saying, "And everybody had a really nice time at the family reunion. The end!"

Hal's brother shops at 7-11? That's practically confirmation that he has a drug problem! To know what kind of drug, I'd have to observe his behavior while shopping! Right to the scratch-its? Meth. Spends an inordinate amount of time in the public restroom (if it has one)? Heroin. Spends over twenty minutes wandering the aisles or buys a single flavored Swisher? Marijuana. Rushes in a minute after the store stops selling beer and then argues with the clerk about the time difference between the store clock and their phone? Asshole. I mean, alcohol! I don't think people doing cocaine ever shop at 7-11. And people doing hallucinogens I don't think of has having a drug problem. They simply have a hobby.

Hal's niece, nephew, and sister-in-law pay a visit to Saint Walker who continues to remain hopeless. But his ring still hangs out with him waiting for that to change. Maybe children will give him hope! Aren't they supposed to give people hope? You know, when they're not giving people headaches and cold germs.

Little girl, you don't want to know what he does with that head thing.

Hal's brother makes some fairly salient points on how Hal shouldn't worry about consuming energy from a universal energy reservoir. Now if I believed in Relic's theory (which I don't because he didn't provide enough scientific evidence for it (unless you call running around screaming "The sky is falling!" evidence)), I'd believe that Hal's brother has put the matter to rest for Hal once and for all. Of course he's wasted on Khundish Ale, so maybe it was all just mindless jabbering. No wait. I'm not wasted on Khundish Ale, so I should know whether it was mindless jabbering or not! But I don't. Maybe I'm just an idiot.

Finally there's a scene where Highfather BoomTubes into New Earth's universe because Kyle Rayner fucked up the source wall's mathematics. But Highfather believes this diddling with the Source Wall is his chance to learn the Life Equation! If he figures it out, will that be as bad as Darkseid discovering the Anti-Life Equation? Is this moment supposed to be dark and threatening or happy and hopeful? And when will I find out since next month is the Special Futures End issue?

Green Lantern #34 Rating: +3 Ranking. I always like comic books where people spend time discussing things! Plus The Stick™ proved to be a better weapon than the Green Lantern Ring. Will Hal shut up about it being the most powerful weapon in the universe now? I bet Guy uses that line when he goes on dates. You know, how he has the most powerful weapon in the universe? If I explained it any further, I'd be Joss Whedon!

Action Comics #34

Everybody hurts...sometimes.

This issue begins with another shitty article by Lois "Bride of Brainiac" Lane. At least, I'm assuming it's shitty even though I haven't read it yet. When you see the sun rise every day for eight issues, you have enough evidence to dump assumption and begin hooking up with fact. It works the same way with comic books written by Scott Lobdell! Once you've smelled enough shit, you can be absolutely positive, without looking, when you've stepped in some.

Lois Lane has chosen "Panic in the Sky" as the title of her article. Does anybody remember that huge Superman crossover event? I only remember it because it seemed strange that after the Death of Superman, the next huge event was something about planes crashing or something? Unless it involved Warworld and Brainiac or something. I wasn't really paying attention to Superman back then. I have the Death of Superman issue simply because one of the clerks at my hometown comic book shop, Jeff, held one for me of his own volition. Not that I couldn't pick one up a year later in a quarter box at any stall in any comic convention.

Apparently "Panic in the Sky" was also the name of an episode of the George Reeves Superman television show. I guess it has a long, boring history in the legend of Superman!

Lois Lane has also decided to use larger font because she's running out of ways to call Superman a dickhole and to rally the Earth against him. Oh wait. She changed her tune in her last article. She's probably pro-Superman again in this one. Which means she just doesn't have as much good to say about him as she had bad.

Let's read her article together! You read it out loud to me, okay?

I don't know. I would have ended in a four dot ellipsis. I also would have spelled "artist" correctly, been more careful with my pronoun-antecedent agreement (well, maybe not that one. But I would have made a clarification afterward in a Grunion Guyesque parenthetical reference which wouldn't actually be needed if I'd just clean up my use of pronouns), used commas betterer, and placed an apostrophe on "enemy's." Oh, I also would have used "enemy's" versus "enemies'." I know there are various antagonists but we have to assume this is an army with a single commander behind it (Brainiac!) and so should be considered one enemy and not multiple enemies.

So if Brainiac is emerging from Cyborg Superman's Gigantic Space Rectum (TM) in Warworld, this really is the Reboot version of Panic in the Sky, isn't it?

This chapter is called "Assimilation" because, once again, the only huge Reboot threats to face DC's heroes are Borg-like. This Reboot is beginning to feel like Marvel during the Clone Years when everything was, um, you know...clones!

From his ship, Brainiac begins taking over the minds of the populace, beginning with Gotham.

According to Lex's countdown, people are fighting off the psychic attack?

Once Brainiac arrives, he begins taking over the minds of everyone on Earth. So that was his entire plan? Take over the minds of twenty people to make sure they can withstand Coluan minds. Take over Lois's mind so she can write articles condemning Superman. Infiltrate The Tower so they free Doomsday so that Superman is infected and becomes too sick and busy to stop Brainiac. Profit!

Good thing Stormwatch was cancelled or Brainiac would have had worse to fear than Superman. Oh! Maybe putting Scott Lobdell on Superman was Brainiac's plan to try to get Superman cancelled as well. Then he could have taken over Earth without any trouble.

I guess Superman is over the Doomsday virus. But it's probably like Herpes. He'll never get rid of it. And he'll probably pass it on to anybody that steals sips from his Big Gulp.

Superman and Lois Lane are preparing to attack Brainiac directly so they leave Metallo and Krypto in charge of Metropolis. No wonder it's destroyed on the cover! And I bet Krypto, unsupervised, eats a bunch of chocolate too!

Along with Superman and Lois (and Krypto and Metallo!), the people left uncontrolled are Cyborg, Steel, Lana Lang, Batman, Harrow, Ghost Soldier, Martian Manhunter, and Wonder Woman. I'm sure Xa-Du, The Phantom King, is just fine as well and up to no good. Alfred Pennyworth is probably safe in the Bat-Panic-Room but he won't be any help.

Now to come up with a plan!

Warworld wasn't to [sic] big to throw into The Phantom Zone! I'm sure you can figure out how to get Brainiac's ship in too [not sic]!

Superman's plan is to, um, put the ship in The Phantom Zone. Is that going to be his only plan forever?! Sure, the logistics of getting it into The Phantom Zone are the hard part. But it's still the same plan he has every time something is too big to handle. He does plan on sending Earth as well though. It's so that breaking the link between Brainiac and all the people won't kill all of the people.

Part of the plan requires Superman and Martian Manhunter to get extremely close to the sun so Superman can fire a super-duper-heat vision blast. When the plan fails and Brainiac's ship begins crashing into the planet, Superman and J'onn get back in time to stop the collision. Now I'm sure it wouldn't take longer than eight minutes for it to impact on the surface, so those guys must be able to travel faster than the speed of light. Then again, I think the sun in the DC Universe is much closer to New Earth than in our reality.

And then there are always the repercussions when opening strange portals to dangerous places.

Why didn't Mongul ride Warworld out of The Phantom Zone?!

Speaking of riding Warworld out of The Phantom Zone, does anybody remember how it wound up in there? Let me refresh your memory.

But I guess the object can't be to [sic] big!

Action Comics #34 Rating: No change. I think Greg Pak realized that The Phantom Zone can be utilized like America utilizes its prison systems. If something feels threatening to the general public, just throw it away and forget about it. And since Superman has no qualms about eternally punishing people, why not just throw every criminal into The Phantom Zone? Why isn't Lex living there yet? Or does he only feel it's acceptable to place alien threats within it? It's his Guantanamo Bay. American law (or Arctic Law?) doesn't apply to aliens so they aren't protected by it. So it's into The Phantom Zone with you!

Action Comics Annual #3

DC put out a memo that Superman cannot appear on a cover without his eyes glowing as bright as Satan's asshole. It's a fact!

I was so deep up my own smart ass while reviewing the last issue of Doomed! that I forgot that Lois Lane's articles are laid out as if they were blog entries and not actual newspaper articles. So I apologize for speculating how she was printing her own newspapers while everybody else in Metropolis was in a coma. It's obvious that she's blogging these articles and posting them without any editor taking a look at them. In this one, she types "Psi'ss" instead of "Psis" or, less incorrectly, "psionic people." Also she fucked up her caption on the pic of Brainiac by typing "artis" instead of artist. This issue, she's using the blog as a platform to confess that she's been behind a lot of Metropolis's troubles lately and it all started because she hated that Clark Kent began blogging. Which, you know, she's doing now because she finally realized that analog media is for an audience that has one foot in the grave and is missing their other foot from diabetes. Anyway, this whole Lois Lane is a 12th Level Intellect with psionic powers story arc was begun by Scott Lobdell and it might be the worst story written about Lois Lane ever. And that includes all the ridiculous Silver Age stories where she appeared in a comic book subtitled "Superman's Girlfriend."

I wonder if Lois Lane will go on trial for all the death and destruction she's caused? I suppose she'll get off on the "I was Mind-Controlled!" technicality that prosecutors must hate in the comic book world. It's more effective than the Twinkie Defense.

Lois is currently trapped in a cage within her own mind which explains why her previous articles have been so shitty. Brainiac has been writing them and English is his nine hundred and thirty second language, so he's not particularly comfortable with it. But now Brainiac is busy guiding his ships to invade Earth, so she was able to write a cry for help and hit publish. She knows Clark Kent obsessively stalks her blog and, thanks to Brianiac, she knows Clark Kent is Superman, so it seemed like the best way to inform Superman that she was in trouble.

So that's how Batman's plan to remove the Kryptonite from the atmosphere succeeded. He called in Lex Luthor.

Batman called in Lex, the smartest person on Earth, to help out even though he has access to the smartest person in Earth, Shay Veritas, Omniologist! I will never like Shay Veritas because Scott Lobdell created her and gave her the title of Omniologist. He doesn't know how to layer characters, does he? He just decides, "I will make the smartest person ever!" I guess he did give her a slight limp to show how frail her body is while her mind is so strong. That's not trite and overdone or anything.

Batman also gathered a couple of characters that hardly matter but since they were behind the release of Doomsday, Batman probably figures he needs to keep an eye on them. Also, he's probably planning on transferring the Kryptonite in the atmosphere into The Phantom Zone. Does he realize if he does that, he'll kill all of the people trapped inside the Phantom Zone excluding Mongul? He'll be the greatest murderer of Kryptonians since Krypton itself!

Meanwhile, some cheesy shit goes down in Brazil where a little boy everybody thought was a monster except for Superman believes in Superman while everybody else believes that Superman is a monster. Or something. I was distracted by the sudden onset of every symptom of diabetes due to it's treacle sappy sweetness. Also Ghost Soldier was involved and that character is an idiot.

Superman and Baka the Monster Boy head to Metropolis so that Superman can meet up with Lois Lane and they can discuss how much it sucks to suddenly be possessed by villains.

Wait. It was nanobots doing all the damage? But what about the brain wave coma radio relay that Lana Lang found? How could she miss all the nanobots when she's the greatest electrical engineer that's ever lived? What a rookie mistake.

I am so fucking sick of nanobots. Fucking Grant Morrison. Ever since he had Niles Caulder create the nanobots with his Think Tank, DC Comics has been infested with the things. I wish DC would send out a company wide memo putting a moratorium on nanobots.

Superman destroys all the nanobots and Lois is free! Yay! Oh god I'm so bored and irritated by this sappy crap. Now Lois uses her telepathic powers to assure Clark that she believes in him and that the world doesn't deserve him and yet he still fights for them and OH MY GOD WHERE CAN I GET AN INSULIN SHOT RIGHT NOW?!

We even get a shot of a boy and his dog. Oh god, why can't I feel my feet?!

And then Superman and Krypto destroy all of Brainiac's ships. Unless they self-destructed. Whatever. It doesn't matter because Cyborg Superman's gigantic Space Rectum opens up and the Collector of Worlds arrives to pick up the planet he ordered out of Previews a few years ago.

Action Comics Annual #3 Rating: Here's the great thing about this annual: you don't have to read it! You can choose between this Annual or the Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual. You don't have to read both. And in a world where you don't have to read both, I'm recommending everybody skip this one. This issue is worse than the one panel from Superman Loves Wonder Woman where Batman declares he succeeded in removing the Kryptonite. This issue is awfully syrupy. It also does that thing where everybody believes in Superman so Superman should gain strength by that. But guess what? Nobody fucking believes in Superman and nobody has believed in Superman, if not from the beginning of The New 52, since at least from when Scott Lobdell took over the title and decided to write him as if he were the X-men and nobody trusted him because human beings can't trust anybody that is naturally stronger than they are. Sure, Lois points out that Earth doesn't deserve him since they've all been such righteous dicks to him. But to suddenly claim they believe in him now when their lives are on the line? And Superman buys it? Well, I guess that's what makes him Superman. He does the right thing even when he's treated like a dick.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1

Every time I simply glanced at this cover, I thought, "Why is Swamp Thing suddenly in this book?"

DC Comics is not making it very easy to follow this Doomed story! At the end of the last issue of Doomed (Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10), the "next issue" blurb told me to read Action Comics Annual #3. But then the annuals came out alongside the newest issue of Action Comics which claims it's Chapter 1 of Last Sun. The cover of Superman Loves Wonder Woman proclaims it's Chapter 3 of Superdoom which means I should read it before Action Comics Annual #3 which proclaims it's Chapter 4 of Superdoom. But then when I open up Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1, it says that it's Chapter 3 of Last Sun! That forces me to open up Action Comics Annual #3 to make sure it's not actually Chapter 2 of Last Sun which would mean the covers are wrong and I should begin by reading Action Comics #34! But it states it's Chapter 4 of Last Sun inside which doesn't actually make anything perfectly clear but leads me to believe that whoever did the layout on the inside title pages of the Annuals fucked it up. So I'm going to ignore what Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 told me, and I'm going to ignore the title pages inside the annuals, and I'm going to trust that the covers are telling me the correct order in which to read Doomed! It's a good thing these Annuals didn't have Selfie or 75 Years of Batman variants or I'd be completely lost!

I still might actually be completely lost. I won't know for sure until I begin reading.

This issue begins with another article by Lois "Bride of Brainiac" Lane printed in the Daily Planet. I'm not sure who is still printing issues of The Daily Planet when everybody in Metropolis is in a coma, but who am I, really, to ask such questions? It's the populace of America that should be asking questions. Questions like "How is this Lois Lane the only person not in a coma?" and "How is this Lois Lane printing newspapers all by herself?" and "Why do people read this woman's articles when she has such a tenuous hold on the English language?" and "What's The Daily Planet? Is that basically the main paper for some city in which I don't live so would never read unless it was to prove that I was some highfalutin intellectual type that wished that I lived in New York City?" Another question people should be asking is, "Will breathing this much Kryptonite give me cancer?" Also this question: "Shouldn't we help Superman? He's done so much to save us and our world and now we're just going to turn on him and hang him out to dry when he's obviously sick and suffering?" But, again, who am I to raise such questions? I'm just a caveman!

Dammit! I let my secret slip! Forget you read that last part. If only I understood these newfangled typing machines well enough to remove things that I've written that I don't want people to read!

See? I wasn't hallucinating this time!

The issue begins with Cyborg Superman insulting Superman because he's come down with a disease. Does nobody care that Superman is sick and that he didn't choose this? I don't expect Cyborg Superman to help him, and I realize he's Superman's enemy, but it still feels a bit unnecessary when he tells Superman that it's a good thing the people of Krypton are dead so they are "spared the shame" of seeing what's become of Superman. It's not like he's ravaged by space syphilis due to visiting every backwater brothel in the universe. Even then he'd still be suffering from a disease but, you know, one maybe he could have tried a bit harder to prevent. And he might be a space sex addict to boot, so calling him a disgrace is still counter productive! Somebody help this poor man!

Superman answers Cyborg Superman's insults by pulling his arm off. Now who's the disgrace, One-Arm?! Just imagine what your robotic ancestors would shamefully think having to look at your imperfect body! So shameful! What an embarrassment!

While the two, um, Kryptonians? bicker over? under? Mars, Cyborg Superman's fleet of tiny? Brainiac ships begin their invasion of Earth. Too bad Superman is the only hero that could possibly stop it!

But wait! I forgot about heroic Lana Lang, the greatest electrical engineer on the planet! She's taken courses that enabled her to read brain waves and she's studied the invasion tactics of alien species by use of radio communications! She's the only hero not infected by Doomsday left that can stop the attack!

Superman doesn't trust the rest of Earth's heroes to save the day either, so he heads back to Earth to stop Brainiac's fleet. He must be delirious. He knows Batman is still on Earth, right? And everybody knows that Batman always saves the day, right? Ergo, Superman is tripping his balls off from Doomsday Fever. And he gets even worse once he flies directly into the Kryptonite soaked atmosphere. Poor guy.

I once had a fever so intense when I was four or five that I had a psychic dream about events concerning the next day. Okay, I had one fever dream about an outline of a minotaur chasing me around a labyrinth and when I slew him with a sword, he unraveled into a puddle-like outline. The next day, I vomited all over my grandparents' porch and the vomit puddle was in the exact shape of the minotaur from the dream the night before. Also, we went to Happy Hollow the next day (yes, with me horribly sick and possibly Patient Zero for the impending zombie apocalypse) where they had a labyrinth that I couldn't go into but had to watch my cousins play in while I sat on a bench feeling miserable.

I bet you wish you still wore that gun strapped to your hip, hunh, Green Lantern?

At least Superman was right that some of Earth's heroes would be useless. Like Hawkman, which is totally obvious (totes obvious if you're annoying), and Simon Baz, which is less obvious being that he's a Green Lantern but not so less obvious and more sort of quite obvious when you realize the Green Lantern rings suck ass so far in The New 52. They barely have any effect on anything anymore!

Since Superman and Wonder Woman are the only heroes whose names are on the cover of this comic book, they're the only ones that will be worth a damn in the current fight. But Batman is working behind the scenes to remove the Kryptonite from the air! How about if he just points out that Earth didn't have enough Kryptonite for a Kryptonite bomb that would pollute the entire atmosphere in the first place? Will that work? Can he just call "Continuity Foul" and save the day?

I'm going to qualify this as an official psychic premonition by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! As opposed to simply an association between Charles Soule and Swamp Thing and my lack of observational skills.

The Red Lanterns also make an appearance. But She-Hulk doesn't, for some reason. Sexist!

Apparently a bow and arrow is more effective than a Green Lantern ring. Also, the Gobi Desert is where the Galactic Hero Corps were defeated. Also, Bleez's ass.

In space, hiding behind the moon, Cyborg Superman begins building a Halo. Or a Stargate. Possibly a Space Rectum. But whatever he's building, Steel doesn't think it should be finished. Especially if it's a Space Rectum. So he exits the ship to battle Cyborg Superman. I forget. Did he teach Lana Lang how to land this thing if he's killed?

Back on Earth, Superman is losing the battle against Doomsday. So Wonder Woman arrives to help her boyfriend.

Looks like Ed Benes is taking his turn at the art. I don't actually know if the above panel was by Ed Benes but I see a couple of things in it that arouse my suspicion.

Back behind the moon, Steel gets his ass handed to him even if the artist fucked everything up. But Lana saves his ass only to get her ship's ass shot up by heat vision. And having a shot up ship in a vacuum is probably one of those very bad things unbearable people often talk about. But in all the tragedy, Cyborg delivers some good news!

Condor is down! Repeat, Condor is down! I hope his wounds are mortal! Oh please let his wounds be mortal!

Meanwhile in Action Comics Annual #3, Batman saves the day by removing the Kryptonite from the atmosphere! I can't wait to read how he saves the day! I bet he builds a gigantic Bat-vacuum powered by the grief of losing ones parents at an early age! He probably recruits a bunch of orphans to ride stationary bicycles which channel their grief. And he'll probably name them Robin #4 through Robin #363!

Superman regains control of himself (for now!) and Brainiac's fleet begins to self-destruct because the heroes were just too damn heroic. But the celebrating is fleeting since Cyborg Superman finishes his Space Rectum and out comes The Collector of Worlds! I think. It's Brainiac, right? I don't know. Maybe it's a Space Tape Worm.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual #1 Rating: This annual returned to DC's fine tradition of making annuals essential reading! At least it's essential if you're reading the Doomed story arc. If the other story arc is simply about Batman sucking Kryptonite out of the atmosphere, then that one won't be essential at all! It was only one panel in this comic book and that seemed to work out just fine. I don't need to know the details about how Batman saved the day. It was obvious that he was going to save the day! What else does Batman do with days? Not save them? Come on!

Batman Eternal #18

The issue begins with some kid in Brazil upset about his job making Batman action figures. He's got such a piss poor attitude that his manager doesn't know what to do with him anymore. The only way to get the kid to work is to threaten him with violence which I'm sure the manager doesn't want to do but what are his other choices? He's paying good money to this kid to be an important chain in the link to getting Batman action figures into the hands of collectors for $29.95 a pop. The kid should be grateful to even have a job. Job creators are the most generous, noble, honorable people on the face of the Earth, especially when they have to deal with such a lazy, ungrateful, greedy, selfish work force. If this kid doesn't want to make action figures, why doesn't he find a job that he loves? When you find a job you love, you're never really working! I think I saw that on a poster somewhere.

The boy's manager is set upon by a group of communist socialist pinko rats named Batmangirl, Batmanwoman, and Red Hood. See? "Red" Hood? Total communist. They're destroying business with lawful interference! If you know how to run a business better, you should start your own and do it your way. If this kid likes your way better, he can get a job with you! But don't come down on this job creator simply because you don't like the way he does business, fairly and equitably. Don't these communists know that the free market is the only way to ensure fairness for everyone? Instituting laws to force businesses to not use guns to threaten their employees hurts companies, destroys incentive, and cripples competition.

Actually, the Bat People are just hear hunting down Batmangirl's lead on the guy that helped frame her...I mean, Barbara Gordon's father. Helping this kid get out of work is just incidental.

Rip her weave off, Batmangirl!

I know I'm not the generally accepted King of Language but I order everybody to stop using the phrase "not so much." And don't you dare use that phrase in your response to me about not stopping using the phrase "not so much!" Oh, that'll get me so mad!

Back in Gotham City, Batmanman, a true capitalist, has a discussion with one of his top employees about his top employee's daughter. Being British, and thus completely communist, she doesn't understand Alfred's pleasure in doing all the work for a rich capitalist bastard that should be giving his money to non-working members of the lower classes instead of spending it on loose cars and looser women. Is that how the saying goes? Fuck it, I'm the King of Language. I decree that's now how the saying goes. Anyway, Alfred doesn't realize just how deep the communist tendencies run in his own daughter.

She's a downright anarchist! What are people going to do, Missy, when you've burned up all the rulebooks along with your bras? How will they know how to treat other people, or how to get along, or what to do with themselves if they don't have a guidebook explicitly telling them how to be a decent human being? You wipe the rulebooks clean, you may as well wipe away the bloody human race while you're at it! Do you think civilization exists because everybody just does as they please?

Fox has a new show starting up sometime that isn't Gotham so I won't be watching it. It's called Utopia. Essentially, the idea is to film a bunch of people that were cast because they were pushy assholes and they're going to try to force their opinions on everybody else as they begin a community of twenty or so members from different walks of life. Can you imagine if it turned out the people simply lived peacefully together without forcing their beliefs on any of the other people of the community? It would be a disaster! You can't have examples of anarchists living successfully in a community and then show it to a democratic capitalist republic! You might get them believing there's a better way to live their lives and then all hell will break loose! People will quit the jobs job creators worked so hard to create for them! They'll leave loveless marriages, thus breaking the sanctity of the most important act in civilization, not to mention destroying their one chance at happiness as they walk away from their one soul mate! Children might realize that learning doesn't equate to government sanctioned education and start picking and choosing things they want to learn down at the library, a haven for the most communist-minded people in our great country.

Fox, you are treading dangerous ground with this show, Utopia. Although I'm sure the executives have seen enough Big Brother to know that people just can't live in close proximity without instantly judging every other person as lazy, shiftless, and self-indulgent, backstabbing liars. It's what makes capitalism so great! You don't look on the other people of a community and see yourself! That would make you want to take care of the people in your community (see "communist")! What makes capitalism so great is that you look on everybody else as an "other" that's trying to get away with working as little as possible while you bear your cross of hardworking steadfastness. And, of course, nobody wants to do all the work for a bunch of lazy dicks, so you invariably have to work down to the lowest common denominator. Unless you're an entrepreneur! And then you find a way to manipulate the system, thereby getting everybody to work for you while you collect all the cash!

Come on, Croc. There are laws against living in the sewers. Perhaps you can find an honest job at McDonalds, get set up with a small apartment in The Narrows, follow the rules. Have you ever even tried to just fit in?

Batmanman and Jason Bard have just found a man with his face bitten off and lying in the sewers. It was obviously Killer Croc but Killer Croc tries to deny it. Look, Croc. The evidence says this man's face was bitten off. You have a mouth capable of biting a guy's face off. You live in the sewers. This man was found in the sewers. A cop has a gut feeling that you're behind it. You're behind it. It's just the way the system works and, because the system works, you've just been nailed, you cannibal!

I just walked you through the steps of good police work, Croc! Do we need to go over it again? You're obviously guilty!

Luckily for Killer Croc, Batmanman finds evidence that somebody else was behind the face eating. Although that doesn't exonerate Waylon Jones completely! The police are still watching you, buddy boy!

Meanwhile in prison, Jim Gordon finds out the most dangerous thing about being in prison: the flow of ideas. People have an awful long time to think while in prison. And sometimes you wind up in a cell with a guy that's thought it all through so that he can convince scared, lonely newbies of some really dangerous ideas.

Communist talk! It's all a bunch of socialist hogwash! Too bad Gordon didn't get Rex Calabrese as a cellmate. Now that's an upstanding capitalist citizen with his belief in survival of the fittest! As opposed to this namby-pamby "we're all equal brothers and sisters under the same sun" bullshit.

Batman and Jason Bard stop fighting with Killer Croc and accept him as their guide through the sewers. Batman seems to know who or what he's looking for as they try to find the kidnapped "Jade." That's all they know about the person that went missing: a name. But somebody had their face bitten off and that's something Batmanman won't stand for.

Well they must not care about themselves if they're not helping themselves. So why should anybody care about them? Apparently if you help people in need, you're actually hurting them by taking away their individuality and their self-reliance. A true hero of capitalism once said something like that! I think she wrote hundreds of pages saying basically just this: "charity is harmful." TO THE POCKETBOOK! Ay-yo! That was a capitalist joke. If you didn't find it funny, you might be a communist.

I should begin an entire stand-up career where the punch line of every joke is "you might be a communist." Except I'd probably get sued by that redneck guy. And rightly so! Everything has a monetary value associated with it and if somebody can prove that they thought up an idea or coined a phrase or put three or four words together in an order that nobody else has before (or other people have many, many, many times but failed to see the monetary potential behind the words in that order so they didn't trademark them), they deserve to be compensated when somebody else uses their intellectual property. So if I ever hear anybody that doesn't like to swear so they generally spell out their swears say, "Eat S-H-I-T!", I'm suing their fucking asses off!

Meanwhile in Brazil Batmangirl, Batmanwoman, and Red Hood infiltrate the toy factory. Red Hood hates capitalism so he wants to put a few bullets in a few job creators' heads. He seems to think "work" equals "enslavement." These kids have a choice in any number of sweat shops in Brazil. The owner of this one can't be blamed if his employees don't like the pay or the conditions. They always have the choice of leaving and finding work better suited to them. Just like Red Hood did! He didn't like working for Batmanman because there were too many non-killing related rules, so he started his own business! He should know better.

Red Hood has a pleasant little speech in which he explains to Batmanwoman why Batmangirl has always been so much better than every single Robin that ever fought at Batmanman's side. He says it's not just because she's smarter or more physically talented (although that's exactly what it is. The reason he says is the actual reason, which I'll explain after this parenthetical reference, is just bullshit) but because she's not fighting for revenge. She's fighting for her father. He points out that her mother left her and her brother's a psychopath and that she's entirely loyal to her father. In other words, he's basically giving Batmanwoman enough information to figure out Batmangirl's secret identity. Oh wait! That part wasn't the bullshit. I think Batmangirl does fight hard to help keep her father safe. But Red Hood also points out that the other Robin's were fighting for revenge.

Really, Red Hood? Jason Todd is dumber than I thought if this is what he believes. Although it does help explain his attitude toward, well, pretty much everything. Nightwing began his career as Robin to help bring his parents' murderer to justice. But the fight has never been about revenge for him at all. And Tim Drake was the same way (although he's not included here because he's not a Robin). He doesn't include Damian either but that kid is into being Robin for some really fucking sick reasons, so I can see why Jason would leave him out. The only person that might actually still be running around in a costume because of revenge is Batmanman! That's probably why Red Hood and Batmanman butt heads so much.

Anyway, that was all a bunch of stupid, trite philosophical crap that I made a complete mess of while trying to explain. It had nothing to do with capitalism or communism or living properly by following the rules, so I don't know why I mentioned it. What I should have been mentioning was how Batmangirl was mind-controlled, Spyral-style, by the owner of the factory and the man they came looking for. He forces her to turn on Red Hood and Batmanwoman, although that battle won't happen this month because the comic book is over. Although can you really mind-control somebody to do your will by giving them instructions in a language they can't understand?

Batman Eternal #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. Good comic book, yada yada blah blah blah. The owner of this toy factory is in big trouble because one of his bootleg toys is Red Hood. And even communists get a bit testy when you're making money off of their identity. Although you can't really sue a company for stealing your image when you refuse to identify your legal persona. But that only encourages Red Hood to skip the courts and reach straight for the box of ammunition.

Finally, those ads for Multiversity? The ones that say, "Do not buy this book"? Come on! You can't be serious, right, advertisement? You cannot tell me not to buy a book and then show me Captain Carrot on the cover of that book and expect me to take you seriously. You obviously secretly want me to buy that book or else you wouldn't have put Captain Carrot on the cover!

Futures End #14

Finally somebody is going to die in this comic book! Although if Deathstroke survives the fight versus Big Barda, I'm going to send a harshly worded tweet to every one of the Futures End writers.

This is for the older readers out there: Did you ever wonder why Janice of The Electric Mayhem was working as a nurse at a veterinarian's hospital? Discussing The Muppets the other day with the Non-Certified Spouse, I realized what that was about. She was only working there to get her hands on the ketamine! She may have done ketamine herself but I think it was really Zoot's drug of choice. Dr. Teeth was obviously on acid and shrooms after having long put away the meth addiction that earned him his name and his gold teeth. Animal is coked out and on PCP. Heck, the ketamine might have been used initially to sedate Animal for The Electric Mayhem's gigs until Zoot took a liking to it. Floyd and Janice seem to primarily roll with the Mary Jane.

One of the best things about The Muppet Show is that my theories in the previous paragraph aren't based on wild, unfounded speculation. Jim Henson's Muppet Show was for adults no matter how many kids it attracted due to the fuzzy animals and Kermit's association with Sesame Street. Those Muppet rock stars were built to look like they were fucked up. And even if somebody wanted to argue that The Electric Mayhem were straight edge, I'd still point out that Gonzo was backstage fucking chickens. And he wasn't ashamed of it either (I'm not saying he should have been. That fucker was a bold weirdo and my childhood hero)! I refuse to watch Muppets From Space because fuck everybody that took over after Henson died (his son included!) because they didn't understand any of it. Gonzo is not a space alien. And I love space aliens! But I hate that they decided he needed to be explained somehow. Can't a motherfucker just be left alone to be a simple motherfucker? Or should I say chickenfucker? And if anybody wants to argue that The Muppets didn't crash and burn after Henson died, I only have one word (plus an intensifier) for you: fucking Elmo.

The opening scene of Futures End #14:

Go Barda! See if his healing factor is any good at curing his own head up his ass!

Of course the real problem here is Fifty Sue. She's one of those creatures that can think something and it happens. And if Emiko hasn't put an arrow through her skull yet, she's already too late. And as you can see by the scanned image, no arrow is sticking out of either of Fifty Sue's eye sockets.

Fifty Sue uses her magic powers to stand on Barda's tits while punching her in the face eighty zillion times. I counted.

Emiko decides to take over the fight against Deathstroke. Now, Emiko has a lot of spunk and pent-up emotional baggage and anger at her parents and the death of her brother but I just don't think that's going to be enough for her to beat Deathstroke one on one.

Then again, Slade is pretty fucking old. His reflexes aren't what they used to be.

Emiko also shoots Fifty Sue with an Immolation Arrow. While Deathstroke bleeds out and Fifty Sue bakes, Emiko and Barda beat feet. But only if "beat feet" means they run away like a racist stereotype. You can insert whatever race you think best fits the role of coward; I'll take no part in your disgusting portrayal of people not like you.

Guess what's happening with The Key's gang? Fourteen issues in and do you think they're ready to raid Terrifitech? Do you think I just read a scene where they've worked everything out and are finally ready to move? I probably wouldn't be asking this question if they finally had worked things out, would I?

But they're really close now! Maybe by the end of this issue close!

Later at Columbia University, Madison "My Father is a Treasonous Monster" ICan'tRememberHerLastName has joined a radical feminist group that wants to put a stop to sexual violence. I don't know about that. That's a pretty controversial subject! What about people that like to commit acts of sexual violence? Have you not thought about their feelings? Who's to say their beliefs aren't valid? Oh! You know what? I bet she wants to put a stop to non-consensual sexual violence! Oh yeah. I can see that! That's a little less controversial.

The one page scene also bores me with Cal returning the necklace to Mad because he wants to be able to track her with his super secret Red Robin tracer inside the pendant. The most entertaining part of this scene is Red Robin's horrible fucking beard.

What is going on on your stupid face, Cal?!

When was the last time I talked about masturbating? I don't seem to talk about that as often as I used to. I apologize to all the readers whose favorite moments were those I spent discussing self-gratification! I'll have to work that into my reviews more often.

Meanwhile back at Cadmus, we learn that "collaborator" is an offensive term and that Geoff Johns isn't the only writer at DC that enjoys poking hornet's nests.

Saying somebody falls like a girl is funny because how else are you supposed to fall? Men and boys never fall! It's the number one reason given for sex reassignment surgery (female to male): "Tired of falling down all of the time."

Cole has fallen down into the subterranean holding facility of Cadmus where they keep Earth 2 prisoners and OMAC guards. Once he brushes himself off from the long girl fall, he has to deal with the OMACs. He doesn't do a very good job of it so Fifty Sue has to help out. Even though she's the one that shoved him through the ceiling grate in the first place.

Wrong! Your fat was literally on fire, you dumb-dumb face! Wait, is "dumb" ableist? I meant you slutty cunt!

I'm trying not to swear as much because I want my mother to be able to read my blog. And the best way for her not to know it's me writing nasty things about my mother is if there is no swearing. "Can't be my boy. Ain't one 'fucking spunk monkey' comment in the whole mess."

Fifty Sue and Cole Cashcow confront one Lana of Earth 2 (oh, you know which Lana!) and grill her about Stealth OMACs. She says, "Well, let me tell you about those...." But then the scene ends. Because Futures End doesn't want any plot to get too far ahead of any other plot.

Now it's time to see what old Lois "Famousest Blogger in the World" Lane (even though she turned her nose up at Clark when he first began blogging way back in Superman Annual #2! I guess the world's greatest investigative journalist finally investigated the mystery of the dwindling hard copy fanbase and decided that blogging was a worthwhile investment of her time (it's also probable that she hated blogging back then because she was being written by Scott Lobdell and he just hates the internet because it allows criticism to have a direct line to his stupid face) is up to! That parenthetical reference was probably too long for anybody to remember the beginning of the sentence so I'll just start over without my hatred for Scott Lobdell welling up to ruin everything.

Now it's time to see what old Lois "Famousest Blogger in the World" Lane is up to! She's reached a dead end because I guess she's not as good a journalist as I once thought. Luckily she has a triangular device that gives her some clues in the forms of images of Earth 2's greatest heroes! The slide show ends with Red Tornado and a voice mentioning how Red Tornado's previous human designation was Lois Lane! Dun dun DUN!

Futures End #14 Rating: No change. Nobody died. Well, Kevin died! His head blew up thanks to Fifty Sue! But since Kevin was a nobody, who the fuck cares, amirite? What was explained in this issue? Nothing, that's what! I might as well just be flushing my money down the toilet! That's where I keep my savings.