Futures End #20

Poor Joker grew back his face only to lose it again thirty years into the future.

This week, Futures End begins boring the pants off of me. And by pants, I mean the British meaning of pants because I'm sitting here in my boxers. I doubt I've ever written anything while wearing pants (the American meaning of the word!). I never wear pants while at home. Sometimes I miss package deliveries because the doorbell rings and I have to run around searching for some pants to put on before heading downstairs to open the door. I suppose I can start answering the door in boxers since that's nearly like wearing shorts except with a greater chance of my penis flopping out. But then I'm sure delivery people have seen worse than my penis! Not that seeing my penis is a bad thing! Those delivery people should be so lucky!

So, the part that bored the pants off me was the part where Red Robin breaks into the offices of The Fast Lane where he's found out by Lois herself who must not be able to afford her own apartment because whey else would she be hiding out in a darkened office? Even if I were to believe that she's been staking out the offices for weeks, absolutely sure that Red Robin was going to break in at some point, I'm not sure I can believe that Red Robin would have fucked up the break in and allowed himself to be caught.

Aha! That's the key word! "Allowed!" It probably took him weeks to break into the offices of The Fast Lane because that's how long it took before he knew Lois was the only person still in the building! If Red Robin was caught, he obviously wanted a meeting with Lois. If there's one thing I've learned reading The New 52, it's that everything always works out exactly as Harvest planned it. Also, for those that may not have heard me the first five thousand times I said it: Harvest is actually vampire Tim Drake from the future. Not this measly five years into the future future! More like the Legion of Super-heroes one thousand years into the future future! But even if Tim isn't Harvest currently, that doesn't mean he doesn't have his "super plans always work out" powers yet.

You idiot! Lois Lane doesn't know the meaning of "off the record!"

Red Robin's story could only have been better if he had been spattered with Bunker's, Beast Boy's, Solstice's, Raven's, Skitters's, Kid Flash's, and Superboy's brains as well as Wonder Girl's. Jeepers Creepers (which I say so as not to offend any Christian readers even though I really meant to say Jesus Christ. I hope I fooled them...and God as well!), Scott Lobdell really managed to make me hate every single character that ever made their way through his stories. I always feel a little bit of glee when another writer, during one of these alternate future stories, kills the characters Lobdell's been writing. It's like they're saying, "These characters deserved better! Might as well kill them because they've been tainted with Lobdell's man musk." I once met Scott Lobdell. His man musk smelled of cheerios that were given penises by a mad scientist and then jerked off by sentient cabbages.

Okay, that last bit was a lie. I didn't sniff Scott when I met him even though he said, "Hello there. Would you like to sniff me?"

Okay, that last part was a lie as well! When I did meet him, he actually just ignored me and kept talking to his buddy that was nearby fucking roosters or something. Then he said, "Now get out of here, kid! I'm busy!" But he wasn't busy at all. I was only one of two people that were getting things signed by him. To be fair, I can't really blame that on him. Gail Simone didn't have a line either and I hear she always has throngs of people hanging around her table. I think maybe the residents of Portland, Oregon just had better things to do that day. Like take pictures with the whore from Serenity or the car from Supernatural!

Lois Lane shows Red Robin the secrets inside of her box. She also tells him that she can't live with a man because if a man were lying to her and didn't tell her, it would be over. So how does that work, exactly? Does the man have to make up something so that Lois feels he's being honest with her? If he doesn't have anything to reveal, does she figure he's lying and break up? How does she know when to break up with somebody?! Also, she's probably talking about Clark.

Thirty five years in the future (that's where Batman Beyond is from), Brother Eye has learned how to time travel by eating Bruce Wayne's brain. Now Brother Eye will send his Terminator back in time to stop Batman's rebel leader from destroying Brother Eye. And I suppose The Joker is Brother Eye's Terminator, right? Unless it will be a half-Joker, half-Batman robot monster.

I know I've mentioned it countless times so this is just a rhetorical device playing on the fact that I've said it so many times but have I ever said how much I hate comic book time travel stories? They're very rarely done well and almost always done exclusively as a shortcut to building a plot. Here's how it works. Create a dystopian version of the future. Send character back in time to warn people about the dystopian future. Heroes believe insane person that probably isn't actually from the future at all and work to prevent the horrible future from coming true. The heroes do the proper things and the horrible future disappears from reality! Unless it never existed in the first place. Anyway, it's just a simple way to get heroes working toward saving the world without really putting much thought into it.

Cadmus Island gets a few pages but I don't think they're worth talking about. Basically Faraday joins Fifty Sue's Anti-Brother Eye team.

Mister Terrific learns from The Key and Coil that they were hired by Bruce Wayne to break into Terrifitech. He was the guy putting up all that Final Job Money! How did I not guess that in Issue #1? Who else in the DC Universe has Final Job Money? Or is it called One Last Job Security Blanket? Anyway, I was probably too distracted by Coil and hoping against hope that it wasn't the asshat that Ann Nocenti wrote about in Katana.

So now the scene is set. Sometime in the last five years, Earth was invaded by Apokoliptian forces from Earth 2. The residents of Earth 2, the Twofers, sought asylum. But since the refugees were all doubles of people still living on Earth, they were feared and not trusted. And some were probably spies and some probably helped Apokolips and all that other stuff. So the war takes place, a lot of heroes did a lot of stuff they weren't proud of, and a lot of them died as well. Afterward, the world was split between people that wanted to help the Twofers to assimilate and those that didn't trust them. Mister Terrific seems to have made quite a name for himself, possibly helped along by the fact that he came over from Earth 2 but was originally from this Earth. Plus he's a genius and all that garbage. Sloan did just as well but was busy making technology for the people that didn't trust the Twofers. He probably has something to do with Cadmus. Anyway, Mister Terrific has also gotten help from Brother Eye and Brainiac. His help leads to the world thirty five years in the future where everybody has been assimilated, something DC loves to use as a plot point. In that future, Mister Terrific regrets what he did. Batman hasn't been seen much but he's just now entered the picture as the man behind The Key's gang trying to steal technology from Mister Terrific. In the future, he was the leader of the rebel army fighting back against Brainiac's robots and assimilated heroes. His last hope was sending Batman Beyond to the past to destroy Brother Eye before it is activated. But he landed too far in the future and now must try to stop Brother Eye from being reactivated since it was disabled during the war. And I guess that's pretty much it! I suppose I could mention that Green Arrow has a rebel group on an island ready to go against Cadmus but then I'd be in danger of boring myself by talking about Green Arrow.

In the last scene, Tim Drake tells Mad Payne that he's really Red Robin and she tells him to go suck dicks.

Futures End #20 Rating: No change. I'm still waiting for something to surprise me! Or for something to not be derivative of Star Trek or The Terminator! Maybe I can be turned around on this comic by somebody fucking somebody else. How about it, Gifazzmiregens? Make some people fuck some other people!

Futures End #14

Finally somebody is going to die in this comic book! Although if Deathstroke survives the fight versus Big Barda, I'm going to send a harshly worded tweet to every one of the Futures End writers.

This is for the older readers out there: Did you ever wonder why Janice of The Electric Mayhem was working as a nurse at a veterinarian's hospital? Discussing The Muppets the other day with the Non-Certified Spouse, I realized what that was about. She was only working there to get her hands on the ketamine! She may have done ketamine herself but I think it was really Zoot's drug of choice. Dr. Teeth was obviously on acid and shrooms after having long put away the meth addiction that earned him his name and his gold teeth. Animal is coked out and on PCP. Heck, the ketamine might have been used initially to sedate Animal for The Electric Mayhem's gigs until Zoot took a liking to it. Floyd and Janice seem to primarily roll with the Mary Jane.

One of the best things about The Muppet Show is that my theories in the previous paragraph aren't based on wild, unfounded speculation. Jim Henson's Muppet Show was for adults no matter how many kids it attracted due to the fuzzy animals and Kermit's association with Sesame Street. Those Muppet rock stars were built to look like they were fucked up. And even if somebody wanted to argue that The Electric Mayhem were straight edge, I'd still point out that Gonzo was backstage fucking chickens. And he wasn't ashamed of it either (I'm not saying he should have been. That fucker was a bold weirdo and my childhood hero)! I refuse to watch Muppets From Space because fuck everybody that took over after Henson died (his son included!) because they didn't understand any of it. Gonzo is not a space alien. And I love space aliens! But I hate that they decided he needed to be explained somehow. Can't a motherfucker just be left alone to be a simple motherfucker? Or should I say chickenfucker? And if anybody wants to argue that The Muppets didn't crash and burn after Henson died, I only have one word (plus an intensifier) for you: fucking Elmo.

The opening scene of Futures End #14:

Go Barda! See if his healing factor is any good at curing his own head up his ass!

Of course the real problem here is Fifty Sue. She's one of those creatures that can think something and it happens. And if Emiko hasn't put an arrow through her skull yet, she's already too late. And as you can see by the scanned image, no arrow is sticking out of either of Fifty Sue's eye sockets.

Fifty Sue uses her magic powers to stand on Barda's tits while punching her in the face eighty zillion times. I counted.

Emiko decides to take over the fight against Deathstroke. Now, Emiko has a lot of spunk and pent-up emotional baggage and anger at her parents and the death of her brother but I just don't think that's going to be enough for her to beat Deathstroke one on one.

Then again, Slade is pretty fucking old. His reflexes aren't what they used to be.

Emiko also shoots Fifty Sue with an Immolation Arrow. While Deathstroke bleeds out and Fifty Sue bakes, Emiko and Barda beat feet. But only if "beat feet" means they run away like a racist stereotype. You can insert whatever race you think best fits the role of coward; I'll take no part in your disgusting portrayal of people not like you.

Guess what's happening with The Key's gang? Fourteen issues in and do you think they're ready to raid Terrifitech? Do you think I just read a scene where they've worked everything out and are finally ready to move? I probably wouldn't be asking this question if they finally had worked things out, would I?

But they're really close now! Maybe by the end of this issue close!

Later at Columbia University, Madison "My Father is a Treasonous Monster" ICan'tRememberHerLastName has joined a radical feminist group that wants to put a stop to sexual violence. I don't know about that. That's a pretty controversial subject! What about people that like to commit acts of sexual violence? Have you not thought about their feelings? Who's to say their beliefs aren't valid? Oh! You know what? I bet she wants to put a stop to non-consensual sexual violence! Oh yeah. I can see that! That's a little less controversial.

The one page scene also bores me with Cal returning the necklace to Mad because he wants to be able to track her with his super secret Red Robin tracer inside the pendant. The most entertaining part of this scene is Red Robin's horrible fucking beard.

What is going on on your stupid face, Cal?!

When was the last time I talked about masturbating? I don't seem to talk about that as often as I used to. I apologize to all the readers whose favorite moments were those I spent discussing self-gratification! I'll have to work that into my reviews more often.

Meanwhile back at Cadmus, we learn that "collaborator" is an offensive term and that Geoff Johns isn't the only writer at DC that enjoys poking hornet's nests.

Saying somebody falls like a girl is funny because how else are you supposed to fall? Men and boys never fall! It's the number one reason given for sex reassignment surgery (female to male): "Tired of falling down all of the time."

Cole has fallen down into the subterranean holding facility of Cadmus where they keep Earth 2 prisoners and OMAC guards. Once he brushes himself off from the long girl fall, he has to deal with the OMACs. He doesn't do a very good job of it so Fifty Sue has to help out. Even though she's the one that shoved him through the ceiling grate in the first place.

Wrong! Your fat was literally on fire, you dumb-dumb face! Wait, is "dumb" ableist? I meant you slutty cunt!

I'm trying not to swear as much because I want my mother to be able to read my blog. And the best way for her not to know it's me writing nasty things about my mother is if there is no swearing. "Can't be my boy. Ain't one 'fucking spunk monkey' comment in the whole mess."

Fifty Sue and Cole Cashcow confront one Lana of Earth 2 (oh, you know which Lana!) and grill her about Stealth OMACs. She says, "Well, let me tell you about those...." But then the scene ends. Because Futures End doesn't want any plot to get too far ahead of any other plot.

Now it's time to see what old Lois "Famousest Blogger in the World" Lane (even though she turned her nose up at Clark when he first began blogging way back in Superman Annual #2! I guess the world's greatest investigative journalist finally investigated the mystery of the dwindling hard copy fanbase and decided that blogging was a worthwhile investment of her time (it's also probable that she hated blogging back then because she was being written by Scott Lobdell and he just hates the internet because it allows criticism to have a direct line to his stupid face) is up to! That parenthetical reference was probably too long for anybody to remember the beginning of the sentence so I'll just start over without my hatred for Scott Lobdell welling up to ruin everything.

Now it's time to see what old Lois "Famousest Blogger in the World" Lane is up to! She's reached a dead end because I guess she's not as good a journalist as I once thought. Luckily she has a triangular device that gives her some clues in the forms of images of Earth 2's greatest heroes! The slide show ends with Red Tornado and a voice mentioning how Red Tornado's previous human designation was Lois Lane! Dun dun DUN!

Futures End #14 Rating: No change. Nobody died. Well, Kevin died! His head blew up thanks to Fifty Sue! But since Kevin was a nobody, who the fuck cares, amirite? What was explained in this issue? Nothing, that's what! I might as well just be flushing my money down the toilet! That's where I keep my savings.

Futures End #13

When Red Robin isn't tending bar, he likes to drive homeless people out of the city.

Have you ever noticed how many goody-two-shoes, be-a-better-person, trite-as-shit posts get reblogged on Tumblr every day? And yet nearly everybody you ever encounter is a selfish asshole with their nose pressed up against their stupid cell phone? Do people believe that appreciating a nice sentiment is just about the same as being a kind person? I really don't know since I can't fucking stand those posts that tell me to smile or pay compliments or do small acts of kindness or whatever. I can also type out things that I think would be nice if people did them. Typing is fucking easy! And you know what's even easier than that? Hitting reblog and then forgetting about the post! Not that I think any of those goddamned posts improve anybody's life at all. People are just addicted to the momentary warm feeling that occurs when they suspect they can live life better, become happier, and feel life can have meaning if only they'd pursue it.

Here's my advice: stop imagining yourself as a different person. If you like the way you are and you've never paid for a stranger's coffee, don't start now just because a stupid fucking quote posted by Joe Hill or reblogged by Neil Gaiman said you should. Somebody else believes in small gestures! Big fucking deal! Here are the things I believe would make somebody happy! Maybe you should try my list too!

The only problem with my list is that it doesn't create the illusion that people are inherently kind and generous. There's a reason for that! Because I don't cotton to lies!

Whoops. I meant to just get right to the review. Sorry about all those extraneous words. Unless extraneous means something other than what I wanted it to mean!

The issue begins with Cal and Mad getting robbed.

I'm fairly certain that necklace had a tracker in it, so Cal will be getting you a "new one" fairly soon.

Following this scene is a scene which reminds everybody that Mister Terrific is worried about the threat of Future Batman. Then there's a scene where Grifter and Fifty Sue sneak about Cadmus to discover that normal people from Earth 2 are being held in secret cells beneath the island. Also I guess it shows Grifter can differentiate normal Earth 2 people from New Earth people with his "They Live" vision.

If I felt these scenes were more important, I'd go into more detail about them. I guess if you wanted to write a term paper about Mister Terrific's scene, you'd begin by discussing personal ethics and morality and whether or not they should be abandoned at times for the greater good. Mister Terrific has recently compromised his beliefs to, as he lies to himself, protect the world. He does acknowledge that the Mindboggler Cyborg scares him but doesn't acknowledge that the terror is the main reason he's begun to ignore his personal ethical philosophy. It's too bad because it's fear which is always the beginning of the end. When people are frightened, they tend to make poor decisions by choosing answers that make them feel safer. Batman knows this which is why he'll never kill. Not because he wants to be better than the bad guys but because he knows that killing The Joker would make him, and the people of Gotham, feel less frightened. Which means killing The Riddler would as well. And The Penguin. And Zsasz.

Hmm, Zsasz actually probably should be killed. The evidence for all of his murders is right there on his body! I wonder if Zsasz will slice his own throat when he's run out of room on his body, the space left over to mark his final kill!

Here's the resolution to that first scene. Lots of pages to tell the reader something they already knew: Cal is Red Robin! Geez, Futures End! We knew that as soon as Lois Lane began her investigation because she's the best investigative journalist ever.

I wonder when the first truly interesting revelation will happen in Futures End? Or when somebody else will die! I want to see super hero corpses already! Green Arrow's death wasn't enough. Fuck, Green Arrow's death was expected!

Here's a revelation: The Key and his team still haven't gotten around to doing their Terrifitech job! And now they've decided they don't want to do it with Terry McBatman so Plastique knocks him unconscious with a paper airplane bomb. In other words, thirteen issues in and The Key's team is still no closer to their robbery than when they started.

I suppose the discussion between Big Barda and Emiko shine a little light on Five Years in the Future New Earth. The war that has been referenced on multiple occasions was with Apokolips. Since the people of Earth 2 are treated with such suspicion and fear, the warriors from Apokolips must have used Earth 2 as a base to invade New Earth. The civilian population of Earth 2 fled to New Earth and were kept in concentration camps until the end of the war. That's when people like Mister Terrific began trying to fight for equality for Earth 2 civilians. Other people like Lois Lane use people's Earth 2 civilian status as ways to threaten their jobs! Cadmus has taken on the job of secretly imprisoning Earth 2 heroes. With their recruitment of Grifter, it looks like they might want to capture normal Earth 2 civilians as well, possibly suspecting a rebellion brewing. Or just because they're those fearful people that trade their ethics away for a feeling of safety.

If she comes peacefully, at least she'll be with Scott. Although why would she come peacefully? She can kick Deathstroke's ass easy.

Futures End #13 Rating: -2 Ranking. This is basically an Elseworlds title where anything can go and yet it continues to bore me, issue after issue. I suppose too many things have been planned for the DC September Extravaganza for the writers of Futures End to just go off the rails. I guess that's the problem. I'm on one of those rides at Disney where you can imagine a lot of fantastic stuff could happen but in reality, you're just puttering along stuck to a predetermined path along a stupid fucking rail.