New Super-man #11

Superman Zero? That reeks of a cheesy marketing scheme to breathe new life into the Superman brand.

The Fla-sh of China has a new suit and it's the best. Although I did appreciate her Goodwill costume that used the AC/DC lightning bolt as her Flash flair. But it wasn't pink and cute and form-fitting (which is only the third best aspect although part of my body thinks it's the first best).

In this issue, we learn that Wonder Woman of China is just a snake pretending to be a woman. Should I find that as sexy as I do? It's possible I'm jumping to the wrong conclusion. But a turtle that became a man that became a giant mega monster turtle has a problem with creatures that use qi to step outside their natural places. He, as a turtle, did it to become a man and he seems to think Wonder Woman of China did it as well while referring to her as Green Snake. And that's how animals in fables and myths always refer to other animals, right? They're all, "Hey! Rabbit! Stop pooping on my door step!" And "Hey! Owl! Why are you so pretentious?" And "Hey! Why are we calling the donkey Eeyore?! Fucking monster is using his qi to step outside his natural boundaries! Get him!"

Since Justice League of China aren't capable of defeating the Doomsday Turtle Man, Dr. Omen has to release Super-man Zero to get the job done. You've probably already made your own less calories, all the taste joke while patting yourself on the back and mumbling, "Good one, Sexy Genitals!" So I'll skip the joke and also raise an eyebrow at your nickname for yourself. Super-man Zero doesn't turn on Doctor Omen and beat the shit out of her for keeping him held captive. Instead he rushes off to save the day for some reason. It's not like he's got a Kryptonite Bomb in his head! The idiot should be flying off to France!

New Super-man #8

With an entire Bat-school full of Bat-men (Bat-mans?), Yang is probably going to turn Chinese Bat-man into Kenny from South Park.

• Just in case anybody forgot, this is currently my favorite Rebirth comic book that doesn't star Lobo.

• Continuing the drama from last issue (which is preferable to just going in a totally new dramatic direction (I mean, I can't speak for all readers. I'm sure some shitty 4chan users out there would rather have a plot as absurd as a Pokey the Penguin strip. But then they think knowing the secret message of an Internet meme is the height of humor because they're all basically sentient bean bags)), Kenan battles Master I-Ching. If Kenan wins, he'll be taken on as a student. But he isn't winning. He's currently getting his ass kicked. An I-Ching hasn't kicked this much ass since one helped write Philip K. Dick's The Man in the High Castle.

• Continuing different drama from last issue, Bat-man of China battles his rival, Wanna-Be-Bat-man of China, to see who gets to keep being Bat-man of China. The wanna-be guy has been cheating so far but Wonder-Woman of China will straighten that shit right out. I sometimes wonder how the patriarchy came into existence when women are so much better at being adults and resolving conflicts. I suppose when you have two people trying to solve a problem where one of them has the fortitude and ingenuity to fix the problem and the other one is strong enough to physically threaten the problem solver if they don't shut up, the wrong people are going to wind up in charge.

• Holy shit! That reminds me that I had a dream last night where I was at my mother's house and my friend Doom Bunny asked, "Where is your mother? Why haven't we seen her?" And I thought, "Oh shit! Yeah." So I went to check the master bathroom and found a cabinet knocked over and my mom collapsed halfway out of the bathtub. She couldn't speak and just looked me in the eyes like a wounded animal, teeth chattering and scared. I fucking freaked out and took her in my arms to try to keep her stabilized. I yelled at Doom Bunny to call 911 while staring into the terror-filled eyes of my mother. As she struggled to slide back into the bath, I thought "This is too fucking much" and woke myself up. So for anybody who has read this blog and thought, "Geez, Tess. Why do you act like your relationship with your mother doesn't fucking matter?", you can have that dream as evidence that, apparently, it matters a lot. That may be the worst nightmare I've had in years.

• Continuing still different drama from last issue, Wonder-Woman of China battles Alpaca in the server room of the Bat Training Facility. He's (unless it's a she, hint hint! Baixi has a sister who is the only other student worth knowing about in this facility) the one who has been spray painting obscenities all over the school. See, the joke is that the Grass Mud Horse is a type of Alpaca. This is a good example of that 4chan humor I mentioned earlier.

• Excuse me while I turd. Have a panel to look at until I get back.

I don't know if that's a better question. It's just a different way of answering it.

• Hmm. I probably didn't have to mention the bowel movement, did I? Because of the way I comment while I read the comic book, I tend to forget that this blog entry isn't going out live.

• Back to the Kenan versus the ancient prophetic text made into a man, Kenan decides to move his qi up from his fists into his ears. That's so he can hear where Master I-Ching both is and is not. It's ancient Chinese wisdom.

• Speaking of Ancient Chinese wisdom, has Archie McPhee never sold fortune cookies with Sun Tzu quotes in them? That seems like a bajillion dollar idea! Imagine opening a cookie after dinner and reading, "Invincibility lies in defense, the possibility of victory in the attack." That's already better advice than any regular fortune cookie I've ever eaten!

Although this one was pretty good. The Non-Certified Spouse's mother once got this one at a Chinese restaurant in Lincoln, Nebraska.

• Um, anyway, when Kenan moves his qi up into his ears, he begins to hear all of the noise all over the neighborhood around him. One of the things he hears is some kid bouncing a basketball. FUCK YES! That is one of my top hated sounds coming in through the walls of my house when I'm trying to write and I don't even have super-hearing! I just want to go outside, snatch the neighbor kid's basketball out of his sticky hands, and kick it over the roof onto the next block. The only reason I don't is I know that kid will soon be a teenager and he might stab me.

• Wanna-Be-Bat-man of China loses the fight even though he conspired with Alpaca to rig the contest. So now he's decided to threaten the life of his schoolmaster by putting a Bat-Grapple up to his head. That seems wrong but I don't know anything about Schoolmaster O so I'll withhold my judgment. Schoolmaster O might be a huge prick.

• It doesn't work. Baixi, Bat-man of China, saves the day and remains Bat-man of China. I wonder if there will be a Manbat of China? See how I left out the dash in the same way they've been putting in a dash for the Chinese versions without one? Clever!

• I just wrote "clever" about something I just wrote. I also constantly call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. I wonder how many people are turned off by the seeming arrogance and completely miss the joke of it all? Dum-dums!

• Once Kenan invokes his super-hearing, he hears a kid about to be hit by a truck and ditches the fight to save the day. But in saving the kid, the driver of the truck is grievously wounded. So he rushes him to hospital and heads off to pout at a nearby shrine. Master I-Ching catches up with him there. Probably to punch Kenan one more time and win the fight.

• Alpaca winds up being Jiali, Bat-man's sister. She is tired of being controlled by China and all things communist. She's not even fighting for democracy! She's just an anarchist and my heart is suddenly pittering and pattering all over the place. Alpaca is the real hero!

• Oh, also she escapes to be Bat-man of China's Jo-ker. But named Alpaca.

• Master I-Ching doesn't punch Kenan in the nose and gloat and do a little blind man dance. Instead, he tells Kenan why Kenan has an octagon on his chest. And he explains Superman better than about 90% of all writers who have ever written Superman.

Never mind the third interpretation. It's not nearly as clever as the totality of this page.

• That previous page didn't make me cry but it has come closest to any comic I've read in a long time. It got me right in the belly trigram and the eye trigram.

• After a moment of showing what everybody is doing during the Year of the Rooster celebration, there's an epilogue. Somebody identified as Super-man Zero, locked away in the Crab Shell, is approached by a mysterious figure who claims to be the reason for Chinese super-heroes. The final page identifies this mysterious stranger and...um...well, uh. See for yourselves!

Whew. I'm glad a genius grant Chinese American is tackling Ching Lung but I'm nervous about the comments I might make!

• I can't believe Ching Lung isn't in DC's late eighties Who's Who! They were trying to erase history, weren't they?!

• Seriously, though, I'm super excited about Gene Luen Yang taking on this story. I'm a huge fan of people examining the racist history of popular entertainment, talking about it in a frank and honest way, rather than pretending it never existed. And I especially like when a company decides to tackle it in-house. I'm sure DC Comics had to be nervous about this whole thing but if they didn't kill the idea, I can only imagine Gene Luen Yang (who has been writing the fuck out of this comic book (that was a compliment!)) will have some insightful and thoughtful opinions on the subject of Yellow Peril characters.

• Speaking of race in popular entertainment, I watched some thing on PBS last night with George Takei and Nichelle Nichols discussing Star Trek and how it was such major social commentary to have a diverse cast of characters in charge of the Enterprise. This made me reflect on watching the show as a kid. Something that was such a major issue when the show was produced in the sixties meant nothing to me in the late seventies or early eighties, whenever I began watching it. The diversity of the crew didn't have any kind of impact on me at all. That's encouraging, right? I know I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area which is probably the bubbliest bubble of all the bubbles (according to people who think embracing diversity and difference in others is somehow abnormal) so that's probably part of it. After school on KTVU, there were shorts produced by the television station between shows that showed non-white children living in the city that would end with the kid saying, "I'm proud to be a Chinese American!" Or "I'm proud to be a Black American!" Representation and diversity isn't just important for children who identify with the diverse characters in popular entertainment. It's also important for the white children to see that we're all a part of everything. We're all piloting the Enterprise to the future. Although what was meant to be a five year mission has gone ten times as long. Get it together, you non-bubbled bubbleheads.

The Ranking!
+2! It gets +1 for just being an overall well written book with great characters. It gets another +1 for the insight into Superman. Still my favorite comic book, beeyatches!

New Super-man #7

The new guy is Mister I-Ching. He was Philip K. Dick's favorite.

I'm planning on doing a quick review after reading this issue instead of the usual rambling as-I-read commentary but sometimes I can't keep myself from hitting the keyboard. I just wanted to show this portrayal of Lex Luthor and add a comment.

Way too many writers would have went the obvious and easy route of Lex being able to speak Mandarin fluently. Because he's such a fucking genius. But this is way more believable and entertaining. Sure, he's smart enough to know he needs to know Mandarin for business purposes. But that doesn't mean he's going to be capable of fluency. Genius has limits and I love seeing geniuses treated as such.

Oh, and then this exchange in English between Superm-man and Lex is also charming and on point.

I respond the same way when people ask if I speak English.

I scanned that before I even read the next panel which begins with a Narration Box saying, "No idea what that guy just said." I don't think that bit was necessary but I'm sure some people might have missed that Kenan really couldn't speak English without the added clarification.

Although I wouldn't mind a little more clarification on this next bit!

Stuck in a rock?! I can't wait for Wonder-Woman's origin!

Bat-man and Wonder-Woman visit The Bat Academy to pick up Bat-man's little sister, Jiali (or soon to be the Robin of China. Or Ro-bin, I guess?). While there, they discover the place is being hit by a graffiti artist and I learn some new Chinese Internet slang!

I love this because it's a lot like my website name, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. "Grass Mud Horse" is spelled similar to the Mandarin phrase "fuck your mother" (although they have different tones and use different symbols). And, according to the Wikipedia page, the place the Grass Mud Horse is from is similar in spelling to "your mother's fucking cunt." The really interesting part is why the Grass Mud Horse exists but since it isn't an immature use of words to make naughty words, it has no relevance to my blog. I mean, it's about censorship so maybe it has relevance to my blog?

Aside from this issue featuring Kenan doing Tai Chi, it also has a Battle for the Cowl! From what I've heard about the original Battle for the Cowl, I hope this one is more entertaining. It's between Bat-man of China, Baixi, and Wanna-Be-Bat-Man of China, Feng Douchenozzle. The battle is going poorly for Baixi because some goofy asshole is hacking into the hard-light constructs making up the arena. But Wonder-Woman goes down to deal with him.

Meanwhile, Kenan is getting his ass beat by I-Ching. It's a lesson in humility to prove to Kenan that he needs to train the Mister Miyagi way. That way is through hours and hours of frustration and hard work without ever being told why you're doing the hard work or putting up with the old man forcing you to do his chores. It's pretty effective.

What Did We Learn?
We probably learned something about pride or arrogance, I guess. It's hard to realize what a story teaches when you already know the lesson the story is trying to teach. And since I know everything there is to know, this story is pretty meaningless to me.

The Ranking!
No change! Still DC's best superhero comic though!

Green Lantern #52

Hopefully Rebirth will fix Sinestro's lack of a jester's cap.

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Agents of Gray" even though it should be called "Agents of Grey" because it looks better. I'll fight you over it! I don't even know which version is the American version and which is the UK version because I'm an equal opportunity Gray/Grey user! But the "e" version is aesthetically more pleasing. I wonder if it depends on the font? I bet some fonts make the "a" version look better.

Wait! Let me try something: "Ermahgerd! Ergernts erf Grer!" That fixed it.

The Agents of Gray consist of Doctor Warthog, Communications Officer Froggy, Engineer Bubblehead, Captain Mustachio, and Goggle-Eyed Freak. Their continuing mission is to muddy the philosophical waters of everybody they meet and blur the lines between right and wrong. Their catchphrase is "Set phasers to doubt!" Luckily for Hal, the Agents of Grey shouldn't have any effect on him since he never wonders if what he's doing is right or wrong. He simply does what he wants to do and then declares that was the right thing to do, no matter how many other people are shaking their heads and sighing and saying, "What the fuck?! Again with this bullshit?!"

I could tell by the mustache that he was the leader.

Engineer Bubblehead looks an awful lot like The Green Man. Maybe he'll earn a Green Lantern Ring before this conflict is resolved.

Instead of quietly allowing himself to be arrested by these strange people with no apparent authority over anybody, Hal does the right thing and threatens them. This is how I react whenever anybody tells me I'm breaking the rules. I'm always all, "The only rule I obey is the law of physics, bitch!" I don't say that if they have weapons because, you know, the laws of physics. I know when I'm beat! I just meant if a waiter said I needed shoes or something.

Speaking of Captain Mustachio, when my friend Upright was in town this last weekend to head up to Seattle, we went to the Backstage Bar in Portland the night before he went home. Tending bar was a red headed guy with a huge, scraggly beard. I was pretty drunk already so I don't remember the other traits he possessed that made me tell Upright that the guy was the Spirit of Portland. When the bartender came to our end of the bar, Upright must have been pretty drunk too because he told the guy, "You know what? You're the Spirit of Portland." I don't know if Upright realized how huge an insult that is in Portland! I mean, probably. I meant it as an insult but I wasn't going to actually say it to the guy's face! And that was a good call on my part judging from the guy's face when Upright called him the Spirit of Portland! I don't think he served us after that. I don't blame him. Nobody wants to be called out on looking like every other person in the city where you live.

It's possible the bartender just thought we were calling him a boat.

Doctor Warthog's real name is Two-Pounder? Why not Three-Pounder? Or Five-Pounder? No wait! I know! Ten-Pounder!

Goggle-Eyed Freak is actually named Dakwa. He's the one with all of the fire power. There was no way I was going to guess his name! Although I bet I could have remembered it from last issue.

Communications Officer Froggy's real name is Speechmaker. I was close on that one! I even named him the Comm-Off slightly before I remembered he was the guy who does the psychic interrogations!

Engineer Bubblehead is actually just called Dome. He's the genius. So I was practically spot-on with that guess!

During the battle, Hal turns into a light entity again. Hal was made to be the best Green Lantern ever! No other Lantern has ever been able to manifest this power! Not even that Mary Sue, Kyle Rayner! I don't even know what the term "Mary Sue" means but I think I'm using it right! Know how I know I'm using it right? You can fucking call any character in literature a Mary Sue! It's a stupid fucking term that doesn't actually mean anything.

Oh, um, anyway, about Kyle Rayner! He was obviously meant to be the best Lantern ever which is why he was the first to control all colors of the light spectrum. But how can Hal fans accept him as being better than Hal? I'm not even a Hal Jordan fan and I know Hal is a better Lantern than Kyle Rayner! But that's the trick that Vendetti is pulling here. Kyle may be able to use the entire spectrum but he's no master of every color. Hal Jordan has just become Grandmaster Green Lantern! He's internalizing the green energy! He's becoming willpower itself! The only person I know who might be stubborn enough to do that is me!

As solid light Hal Jordan, he almost defeats the Agents of Gray. But then the Little Prince has to go and get taken hostage by Dakwa and the fight is over. I guess now is when the talking happens and the Agents of Grey realize that Hal Jordan isn't actually a wanted criminal at all. He's just a guy who came up with a stupid plan that never mattered because some other guy (Cullen Bunn) came up with an even stupider plan which took the Green Lanterns out of the universe and made Hal's plan meaningless.

See? That was a pretty dumb plan because everybody already believed Hal Jordan was what was wrong with the Green Lantern Corps. Which is quite an accomplishment when you have Guy Gardner on the team.

To save The Little Prince's life, Hal give a light gun with a big light bullet to Trapper Keeper and tells him to kill Dakwa. It's all totally legal too because it's self-defense! If The Prince dies, Trapper dies because of the gadget on his wrist. And even thought that's all clever and good, let's not get too crazy about the cleverness of the situation. Hal and Trapper were in the right to kill Dakwa even without the self-defense angle! I'm also fairly certain Hal could have saved The Prince's life without anybody being killed by putting some kind of instant shield around The Prince. Hell, Dakwa couldn't pull the trigger on The Prince in the amount of time it took Hal to make a gun, hand it to Trapper, tell Trapper to shoot Dakwa, and then the bullet getting Dakwa in the neck.

But I shouldn't be taken the moment away from Vendetti! It was a clever scene! I enjoyed it very much! Ten out of ten! Would read again! I mean, not immediately. But maybe...no, you know what. I'll probably never read it again.

Dakwa isn't quite dead so The Agents of Grey phase out and return to their ship to patch everybody up and return at a later date. I think they'd be good in the next Green Lantern movie!

The issue ends without Darlene saying a single word. Hal sends Prince Virgo and Trapper off on their own journey while he heads into Rebirth to figure out what the hell is going on with the Green Lantern Corps.

Green Lantern #50

Parallax, Hal Jordan, and now movie Green Lantern as well? What an orgy! I mean fight!

Really, DC? I'm going to have to pay five bucks for every 50th issue? It's not like 50 is a big deal when it comes to monthly publications! Forty-eight, maybe. Or sixty. But fifty? That's a celebration of somebody's four year, two month anniversary! Why bother? Although, I suppose, if you include the Zero and the Villain's Month and the Futures End Issues, this is more like Issue #53. Which is even less impressive than fifty. I guess because we use a base ten numeric system, we can't help but regard the number fifty as special. Although combining our calendar system with our base ten system, Issue #60 would be more special since it's the five year anniversary of a comic. But you know what? I don't run your company! You do what you think is best, DC Comics. Besides, it's not like any of these comic books are going to reach Issue #60 with Rebirth.

This issue basically begins with a double splash page of a barren waste. Way to get my boner to grow back inside of my body, DC! I paid five bucks for this?! I know I shouldn't judge just four pages in but what else do I have going on in my life? If I can't feel good about my own accomplishments, I'd at least like to feel good about shitting all over somebody else's!

The barren waste is Coast City from the old DC Universe. Remember when it was destroyed by Cyborg Superman and Green Lantern flipped the fuck out? Then he became Parallax and all of the Hal Jordan fans went, "What the fuck are you doing, DC? Fuck you. Fuck you and your mother and your father and all future generations! I mean, obviously a comic book company doesn't have a mother or father or plans for any future progeny. But fuck you anyway, you fuckers!" But all the people who weren't fans of Hal Jordan were all, "Ha ha!" Until Kyle Rayner became a Green Lantern while holding his dick in his hands. And then they were all, "Oh. Maybe I laughed too soon." Okay fine. That was just my reaction. Apparently fans loved Kyle Rayner because he was a representation of the common comic book reader and creator. This was represented by how he became a hero with his dick in his hands.

The barren waste double splash page gives way to a Coast City is Alive! double splash page because art. Art is defined as taking a person's money and giving them the barest minimum of bullshit, right? Anyway, Parallax is happy to be in a universe where Coast City hasn't been destroyed. A universe where his failures aren't starkly represented by the smoking crater of his home town. Of course, it isn't his home town. But Parallax is a crazy fucker so it's good enough.

Parallax decides he'll spend the rest of his life protecting Coast City. That means he must protect it from the one person who would destroy it! Cyborg Superman!

I mean Hal Jordan! Wait. What?

Whatever. I suppose this makes sense because Parallax and Hal Jordan have to fight or else how could this be a super hero comic book? Good intentions always result in a miscommunication that turns into fisticuffs. If I want to get into the psychology of Parallax, I guess I could defend his belief that Hal Jordan will be the cause of Coast City's destruction. Parallax still blames himself. Or, at least, the old self he used to be. Coast City was destroyed because he failed it. He's such an egomaniac that he can't even blame the actual person who destroyed the city. It was Hal Jordan's responsibility to protect it and thus it was Hal Jordan who eventually destroyed it. So now his old self must be punished for failing Coast City.

Also, Parallax is insane. Not in a "I have mental issues and I take umbrage with labeling everybody 'crazy' or 'insane' because I'm not like that!" No, of course you're not like that, people with various mental health issues that are all completely different and in no way indicative of anybody else's mental health issues. Parallax is old school comic book crazy. He's a narcissist. He's a mass murderer. He's a megalomaniac. He's the hero of his own story but his story is a fucking Mad Lib filled out by people who don't know the difference between a gerund and a type of animal. Idiots.

Hal Jordan is busy feeling sorry for himself because he couldn't stop a Ferris wheel from falling on his nephew.

Save this speech for Parallax, Hal Jordan's brother!

Just like fucking Hal Jordan. His brother's kid almost died and Hal Jordan goes about feeling sorry for himself. So now Hal's brother has to make Hal feel better when Hal should be strong for his brother! Fucking baby. I bet he still thinks Carol Ferris was the problem in their relationship.

Hal and his brother's family head to the park to fly a drone about and Parallax shows up to make things weird. Hal doesn't understand why some villain would pretend to be him until the villain starts acting like a crazed, power-hungry egomaniac. And then Hal is all, "Oh yeah! You are me!"

For a guy who wants to protect Coast City, Parallax is doing a pretty poor job of it already. I suppose he didn't say he cared about protecting the cars of Coast City.

Hal explains to Parallax how everything that happened to Parallax in the old DC Universe also happened to him. But it had to have happened differently, right? Because, I mean, the Death of Superman had to have happened differently. Because Cyborg Superman wasn't a thing. Hank Henshaw has only recently returned from his space mission in Lois and Clark. The Cyborg Superman of the DC Youniverse is a totally different creature who couldn't give a fuck about destroying Coast City. But apparently Hal Jordan lives in a more integrated DC Youniverse than Superman because Green Lantern was being written by Geoff Johns during The New 52 transition. I probably shouldn't even try thinking about how it all fits together because Rebirth is coming and it's all going to be different soon anyway. Again.

Hal defeats Parallax not through some creatively written way that I used to expect from comic book writers. No, Hal simply beats Parallax by declaring he's more powerful and having more will and making a bigger light show. I don't know about anybody else but I'm a bit bored of all the battles that simply come down to the hero simply having more heart than his enemies. So boring. He could have at least used his ring to make a huge Tiamat to drive off Parallax. But, being Hal, he simply made a giant version of himself. It's the greatest weapon he could come up with!

Green Lantern #50 Rating: No change. Hopefully the new Green Lantern Rebirth will simply be DC's admission that they don't have any idea what Hal Jordan's past is like anymore and that they're throwing their hands in the air and just accepting every story ever written as canon. Let the fucking readers sort it out.

Green Lantern #47

What to use for the next Coast City Gazette headline? "Green Lantern Returns!" or "Fifty Dead in Coast Highway Pile-up"?

Two Sinestro Corps members that I've never seen before begin this comic book by flying through space pissing themselves in fear. You'd think being a Yellow Lantern would make you fearless but if you were fearless than you'd be a Green Lantern! Unless I have that all wrong. I've never really cared about the spectrum lanterns. Some people think it's the Epic of Gilgamesh of Green Lantern comic books. I think it's more "elaborating on an idea Geoff Johns had while trolling for supportive ex-wives of participants in the Gay Pride Parade."

You know how Sinestro wasn't really a great fit for the Green Lanterns even though he met the criteria? I want a story about the Blue Lanterns where a ring chooses somebody like Hitler or Donald Trump to be a member. Not that I'm equating Donald Trump with Hitler because only one of those guys was charismatic.

Anyway, back to the two Sinestro Corps members I've never seen before. I mean, I don't think I've seen them before. Maybe I have. It's just that they're all kind of goofy and ridiculous and since these two are about to be killed by a Green Lantern that may or may not be an aspect of Hal Jordan which escaped during some weird story from the seventies that will be referenced, I'm assuming they're not important members of the Sinestro Corps. In my shriveled little heart of hearts, I kind of hope these are Cullen Bunn's two favorite Sinestro Corps members.

Hal Jordan has now returned to Earth to check on his family. Luckily Guy and the Red Lanterns aren't around to beat him up for being in Sector 2814. Although Warworld is hovering on the other side of the planet battling the Pale Bishop's army! I hope Hal doesn't get drawn into that bullshit.

Hal has a little bit of trouble breaking into his brother's place.

Do to his hair?! He's obviously done absolutely nothing to it!

The cop tells Hal's brother that there will be a fine for a false alarm. Oh bullshit! I don't believe that's how these things actually work! Although, having set off a number of alarms myself due to my floor business, I don't believe the police actually respond to these alarms like this! The first matter of business is for the alarm company to do its due diligence and call the residence to find out if it's a mistake. Then the robber answers the phone and says, "Oh, um, yeah. I'm the, like, um, floor guy or something. They changed the code on the alarm and shit." Then they also contact the manager or owner of the property who tells them that they weren't expecting the floor guy so maybe they should send the cops. Then the cops come and if it is the floor guy and he's white, nobody gets shot and it all resolves nicely except for the part where the floors still need to be cleaned and waxed.

Hal's brother's apartment is boring. No way he has a family if his place looks like that. No wife because there is no color. No kids because there is no mess. Although it's possible he does have a wife and kids' corpses under the bare floorboards.

Why is Hal's brother so obsessed with guys having long hair?! His brother returns from space and in the first five minutes, he brings up Hal's hair at least three times!

Hal and his brother Jim meet up with his brother's wife and kids at the amusement park on the pier where Sonar is planning some kind of terrorist attack. I bet this is the court ordered location to exchange the kids for visits because I still don't believe a woman lives in that apartment.

At the park, Jim continues to be unlikeable as he criticizes the way other people don't wear button up shirts tucked into belted pants with tight haircuts.

Jim's kids are on the Ferris wheel when Sonar's bomb is set off by the ambient noise of the park. That explains why it's all tilted and falling down on the cover! I just figured The Joker fucked it up years ago and nobody bothered to fix it.

Hal tries to keep everybody from dying but it looks like he might have failed to save his nephew Howard because fuck Howard. What did he ever bring to this comic book anyway?! It's his own fault for being a supporting character in a superhero comic book, the little bastard. Hal's been around a long time and should have already learned the bit about not being able to save everyone but it's nice to remind smug and arrogant heroes of the fact every now and again by shoving a girlfriend in the fridge or dropping a nephew on his head or introducing a sidekick to a crowbar.

Meanwhile in space, the Green Lantern killing Yellow Lanterns is old Hal Jordan in his Parallax costume. He's muttering shit about Emerald Twilights and Crimson Dawns. I suppose this is the actual Preboot universe Parallax who went back in time to help stop the Crisis On Infinite Earths from ever happening. Like Lois and Clark, he must have been allowed to live in whatever universe he wanted and he chose the DC You because it needed better space protection.

Green Lantern #47 Rating: No change. Often I've found myself quietly contemplating my life sat outside a local coffee shop drinking iced tea and thinking, "You know what I never got my fill of? Parallax!" Then I shatter the tea cup and gouge out my own eyes for simply thinking something so stupid. Then people passing by rush up to help and scream, "Somebody call 911! This guy was obviously wishing for more Parallax stories!" Then I wake up screaming, not because I just dreamt about gouging out my eyes but because my dream-self actually contemplated needing more Parallax stories. It's also why I don't sleep with anything sharp near the bed because I always look around for something to gouge out my eyes when I have that dream. Um, anyway, yay! Parallax is back! Now where did I leave those scissors?!

Green Lantern #46

They're going to mosh it out?

Hal Jordan has finally had enough of Black Hand. I guess it wasn't that bad when Black Hand was dragging corpses out of graves and flying them around the universe to terrorize all of the non-corpses. But now he's going around turning everybody he meets into stone and that's not cute in the way a zombie space parade is cute. So it's time to let Black Hand retire. He had a good run. He went from a cliche spouting spoiled rich kid rebelling against his family's name to a joke C-list villain who gets busted by superheroes just trying to go on a date to the scariest and most vile enemy the Green Lanterns have ever met! Unless he was just the sidekick to the most vile enemy. Who can tell?! War of the Lanterns dragged on so long nobody's attention span was long enough.

While Hal is busy dragging Black Hand's ass to the Source Wall so that it can babysit him for eternity, Darlene, Trapper Keeper, and The Little Prince are about ready to leave their peaceful vacation planet.

That's why Trapper wanted to go to a brothel.

Relic continues to be allowed to putter about the Source Wall pretending to do science. He's called Relic because he's from a time when scientists didn't have to run experiments to prove their hypotheses but instead just observed something that seemed to happen and declare it the truth. So if a scientist happened to see a snake leave a bird's nest then it must mean the bird is laying snake eggs. Back in his universe, Relic noticed that the inhabitants of the universe were filled with emotions and certain colors of light were tied to those emotions and so the universe must be fueled by emotions and light which meant that...you know what? I have no fucking idea why he came up with this stupid Peak Emotions theory except that he believed it and then stupid fucking John Stewart confirmed it by pretending to be from a future where all the light had run out.

Even though the Source Wall is infinity feet long, Hal Jordan has to return to the spot where Relic is doing his experiments on wasting time. That's because the Source Wall is cracked at that location and the crack is exactly Black Hand shaped. All Hal has to do is convince Relic to agree to his plan of stopping up the crack with Black Hand and the issue should be over in five pages. The main problem is that the reasonable man of science Relic isn't actually reasonable and, I suspect, not really much of a man of science. He really just likes to bully people and steal their emotions.

Sure, now he has a bullshit scanner that allows him to be reasonable. Why didn't he pull that shit out around Issue #24?

Relic makes some quick fake calculations on his fake light calculator so his hunch seems more believable to Hal and then declares that the Source Wall is trying to get back to itself but Black Hand just keeps dragging it further and further away from the Wall. Although if the wall is infinite and surrounds infinity, isn't he always infinitely far from it? My math might be wrong on that.

Black Hand regains consciousness and escapes from Hal's light coffin. Editorial must have told Venditti that he can't have a comic book that resolves in five pages so he was going to need to pad it with some more fighting.

Look at Relic trying to science correctly! Now run experiments to see if what you're observing is actually what you'r observing! It's possible you're just looking at the pieces of Source Wall created by Black Hand whose momentum carried them in the direction of the Source Wall. Are other pieces going in other directions? Look for them, Relic! Don't just record evidence that supports your conclusion!

Darlene arrives in time to smash Black Hand into the Source Wall with a grappling hook so that Hal doesn't have to feel responsible for basically killing Black Hand. Not that Black Hand is dead simply because he's stuck to the Source Wall. Apparently creatures live on in some kind of weird stone coma. But not Black Hand! Since he's immune to being Source Walled, he simply shakes his head and begins to stagger away from the wall. But it's too late! His stone hand has decided it wants to remain as part of the Source Wall. Just like Relic surmised with his scientific know-hows and whats-it-all-means! Black Hand is absorbed into the Source Wall and Hal Jordan decides not to feel too bad about it. Sometimes bad things happen to crazy people.

While Relic wonders what he's going to do with all of his time now that his Source Wall glory hole has been sealed, Hal takes off inside Darlene. That's because Hal actually knows how to science properly and he's observed again and again how Relic likes to battle lanterns. I know. I'm surprised at my saying Hal knows how to science as well since Hal mostly just knows how to tell people to shove it and punch people in the chin. But he's learning how to work with others and utilize logic more often. He's growing!

Be with us next time for "So close yet Sonar away," or "Jordan hears a hood."

Green Lantern #46 Rating: No change. Hal Jordan continues to be a more effective, more reasonable, more likeable hero without the Guardians or the rest of the Corps breathing down his neck. He also has a better cast of characters in Darlene, The Little Prince, and Trapper Keeper. Mostly because they're all technically subservient to him and don't threaten his masculinity. I'm also glad Carol Ferris has moved on because it was getting embarrassing watching Hal pretend to care about her while constantly treating her like shit. Hal is much better off alone or running around with a bunch of non-threatening characters that aren't really interesting on their own. That's why teaming up with Green Arrow worked so well! Zing!

Green Lantern #45

I should have some sort of secret code that I put here in the first caption to alert regular readers of this blog that I'm really going to half-ass the following review.

Remember when The Black Hand was a perfect choice to be a possible death in an issue of the Suicide Squad? But then Geoff Johns got hold of him and la dee da! Now he's all fancy and recognizable and hardly ever elicits confused yawns of "Who's that now?" I bet that's why nobody dies on the Suicide Squad anymore. I bet Geoff Johns called dibs on every unrecognizable DC villain so that he can try to work his stupid magic on them and get people to like them. Then he can pick up tons of chicks at the bar by saying, "Hey baby. You know I made Reactron a household name. Buy me a drink?" Then whoever he was talking to would have to get a bar rag to put under her so she didn't get the bar stool all squidgy because that's some pick-up line!

While looking through the Who's Who for a suitably unrecognizable criminal, I saw that DC had (or has?) a hero named Red Bee who was also a district attorney! Red Bee needs to come back because DC really could use more super hero lawyers.

Hal has figured out, with the help of Darlene and not common sense, that Black Hand is headed to Earth. I'm not sure why but I figure it must have something to do with stubbornness, Hal decides he has to go to Earth alone.

I wish Darlene wanted to go to a brothel.

Hal Jordan tracks down Black Hand who is pouting because everything he touches turns to stone. Luckily he's dead and he doesn't have to eat or drink or masturbate. I don't think dead people masturbate. Man, if zombies really just go by their basest instincts, nobody will have to fear Zombie Tess because I'll just be jerking it until it falls off.

Hal tells Black Hand he can help him but Black Hand doesn't trust him because he's alive. The Black Hand only has dead friends. For some reason, Hal reveals his identity to Black Hand because I guess fighting with him is better than not fighting with him? Maybe Hal views their relationship differently than Black Hand views it because Black Hand decides he isn't going anywhere with Hal. He'd rather remain on his stone planet taking up lots of comic book space with splash pages and double splash pages and pages with just two panels on them. This issue is the comic book version of larger font and narrower margins on a college essay.

So they battle the way super heroes and super villains tend to battle: for a long time and while spouting lots of nonsense.

I won't question why only the Black Hand's hands turn to stone. I won't question why only the Black Hand's hands turn to stone.

Why do only the Black Hand's hands turn to stone? I bet his penis is a big rock as well.

Hal finally realizes that Black Hand is a major plague to the entire universe and decides it's time to bury him once and for all. But if he's invulnerable to being turned into Source Wall, how is he going to stick to the Source Wall for his burial?

Green Lantern #45 Rating: No change. This issue averaged barely over three panels per page. And a lot of that was just Hal trying to avoid being turned to stone as he battled Black Hand. Darlene was allowed to be snarky in a few pages while The Little Prince and Trapper Keeper simply took a nap. I wish Robert Venditti has some secret code that he could put on the cover of Green Lantern to alert regular readers that he's really going to half-ass the issue.

Green Lantern #44

Is DC doing the whole "90s Covers" thing three months before Marvel?

The Little Prince nearly killed himself last issue trying on Krona's glove, so this issue he's going to have to sit out all of the action in Darlene's medical bay. That'll give Hal Jordan some time to get to know The Little Prince's butler, Trapper. Does anybody remember the television show "Trapper John, MD"? That show didn't have as many flashbacks to Korea during surgery as I would have liked.

Writers can win me over by writing huge, competent plots with complex, intriguing characters. Or they can win me over in sundry small ways as well. Robert Venditti had my good will when he took over Demon Knights and kept that book as good as it had ever been (which was really good!). But it's those small moments that keep me coming back to comic books. Small moments that work so well in this medium when a writer has the pacing down and the dialogue is realistic. Little moments like this:

This is cute and it goes a long way to getting me on Trapper's side.

I don't know how translations and languages work in the DC Universe unless everybody speaks Interlac in space. But the idea that the concept of an Earth pound wouldn't translate is something a lot of writers wouldn't even consider during this discussion. Billy Tan (or Martin Coccolo?) nails the look on Trapper's face as he examines the contraption and then as he realizes his life hinges on Hal's being able to correctly estimate these "pounds." I appreciate characters, even bad-ass bounty hunter outlaws who kick major butt up and down the universe, having vulnerable moments like this. This is how readers bond with characters. Well, this and naming them Maps and making them super adorable little nerds.

Jordan is making a stop to get The Little Prince some medical attention before he heads off to save Earth from The Black Hand's Source Wall curse. The planet is one of those planets that is like one of those towns that begins a horror movie where a disturbing family lives nearby a deserted town and the family loves to make people into sausage. I think those movies sometimes start with a creepy little kid running off amid the abandoned buildings. Just like this one! Except the kid isn't creepy. She's actually a cute little goat girl with a stuffed animal. This issue might also be based off of an old sixties Star Trek script. Hopefully it's a script written by Gene Roddenberry so the story can be a not very subtle examination of problems on Earth in the sixties. Wasn't there an episode when aliens way out in space somehow had access to relics from the Confederacy?

The people in the town are fearful of the guests because some creature has taken control of their village. Maybe I was wrong about the script. I think this is another Twilight Zone episode. The doctor doesn't really want to help because he's afraid of the monster that has taken over and seems to feed on visitors. But he's a doctor and you can always convince doctor's to help people in need because they have to take an oath. Even alien doctors, I guess.

Hal begins asking too many questions which is weird because he's not usually the type to want useless things like information. If a problem crops up, he knows he can just punch it in the face. Unless that problem is Coast City being completely destroyed and then the only thing left to do is punch everybody in the face all of the time until God thinks, "Hey! That guy would be a good fit for my Wrath!" It might have happened somewhat differently and with more details but I think I got the gist of it.

Virgo isn't cured quickly enough so the guests get to meet the hosts.

I guess they're a host of Thanagarian angels? Is that why all the "guest" stuff?

I don't know why we need to know the names of all of the hawkpeople. I guess so we understand by their names that they've modified themselves with pieces of the guests and their ships?

The doctor decides to explain that the Thanagarians rob and kill everybody who comes to port. Hal isn't exactly happy that the Doc was only forthcoming about this after it was too late. But what does Hal care? He's got a Krona's Gauntlet. He'll be okay.

Hal and Trapper take out the Thanagarian gang with only a small bit of trouble that leaves Hal bleeding from the ears. He wakes up later in the Doc's office. I bet the village throws him a big party! And maybe they'll never hate the Green Lanterns again!

I hope the little girl stows away on Darlene.

Green Lantern #44 Rating: No change. Post-Convergence Hal Jordan is my favorite Hal Jordan in a long time. He's never felt like a great leader to me and I hate to see him in that position. Being the captain of a small crew of misfits flying around the universe seems to fit him. I feel like I've read this version of Hal before! He just needs Green Arrow to join him on his road trip through space dealing with problems that can't be solved with an arrow or a light construct. Maybe Trapper just needs to grow a goatee and start wearing green.

Green Lantern #42

I wonder what this mysterious "Medusa effect" is all about?!

Remember when allusions to classical mythology and The Bible were mainstays of literature? Now it's all Simpsons references and fart jokes. I must say, I'm equally at home with any of those.

The issue begins with an old school comic book introduction. "Formerly the leader of the intergalactic police force known as the Green Lantern Corps, Hal Jordan is now hunted by cops and criminals alike. Wandering an ever-changing universe, he's about to discover that some unfortunate truths are 'WRITTEN IN STONE.'" If it had begun with "For your consideration..." and was half-hidden in a haze of smoke, I'd think this was an episode of "The Twilight Zone." Although if it were a Twilight Zone episode, there would be nearly no need to read it because there's an 85% chance that the theme is "Loneliness will drive you crazy."

Hal has just visited the space where Oa used to be and where Mogo once resided. It's empty now. He's now zipping through space with his ship, Darlene, his captive, Trapper, and his sidekick, The Little Prince. Hal is heading toward the Little Prince's asteroid to drop him (and his captive) off so he can search for the missing Green Lanterns. It's too bad they had to disappear because he was about to have a really great adventure ignoring the fuck out of them. But they always do this. They always pull him right back into their drama!

They arrive at The Little Prince's asteroid and it's not the reunion Little Prince was hoping for.

Technically they're just turned to stone! You just need to find a competent magic-user of high enough level to cast Stone to Flesh.

Trapper's thug friends ambush Hal Jordan in orbit around the planet. I know Hal Jordan is going to survive this battle because he's the last Green Lantern (technically!) and the title of the book is Green Lantern and not Trapper's Thuggish Buddies. But after seeing just two of Trapper's crew, I'm kind of wishing the title of this book were Trapper's Thuggish Buddies.

Oh Mr. Goggles! Who's a silly boy?! You're a silly boy! Aren't you a silly boy?!

Hal Jordan does not get vaporized at all. Not even close. To celebrate, Hal decides to have a double page splash of himself flying amidst a storm of Pop Rocks. It's as big a waste as any double splash page by David Finch or Tony S. Daniel except--and I truly hate to say this. It hurts down to the core of my being to type this--not as good looking. Sorry, Billy Tan. I know you can never forgive me for that statement nor would I ever ask you to. Although now I'm wondering why they never had any savory flavored Pop Rocks, like Meatloaf Bonanza Pie or Jalapeno Dude Ranch.

Hal Jordan loses control for a few seconds and almost kills Mr. Goggles and his buddy Flipper Lobes. When he loses control, he looks at his glove as if it's to blame. Hey Hal? Might I suggest you stop blaming your emotional problems on your attire and maybe go see a Space Therapist?

And then something completely unexpected happens if you purchased the Teen Titans Go Variant Cover of Green Lantern! And also if you forgot about how everybody on the planet was a statue! A tiny space rock that just missed Hal Jordan's ear as it flew by in orbit bangs into Mr. Goggles' ship's windshield!

No! Mr. Goggles! He was my favorite DC character ever!

Mr. Goggles' ship crashes into another ship which crashes into another ship and they all turn to stone. Hal Jordan decides to let Trapper out of his cell so he can see what has happened to his crew and realize that he's all alone now. Just like if this were a Twilight Zone episode! Except this is one of the happy ones because he's going to find out that he has friends in The Little Prince and Hal Jordan (but not Darlene. The ship doesn't need any more friends and dislikes the ones she has anyway). Since The Little Prince is the last person alive from his world, Hal allows him to choose Trapper's punishment. The Little Prince must be a fan of Seinfeld because he chooses to make Trapper his butler.

Meanwhile Black Hand is thinking about changing his name to Stone Hands because, well, his hands are now made of stone. Not just any stone! They're made of the Source Wall! And anything which touches it turns to stone. So he's having a problem raising an army of the dead because they all just keep turning to stone. I guess releasing all of those creatures from the Source Wall way back in Cosmic Green Lantern Crisis #432 was a bad idea because once they turned back into Source Wall, they were free to float about the universe Source Walling up the place. Is this where the kids would just type "smh"?

Green Lantern #42 Rating: No change with a caveat! I like what's going on in this comic book but that doesn't mean it doesn't have its flaws (like that double splash page that was mostly green Pop Rocks!). I do like the idea of Hal Jordan forming a starship crew to cruise the galaxy getting into wacky adventures. The only problem with it is that only one comic book comes out per month. This feels like an idea that could last a long time. But after one year, people will be thinking, "He's still in that stupid ship?!" But one year of comics is hardly any story at all! So I have a feeling the whole Hal Jordan, Space Pirate, story arc isn't going to last as long as I'd like it to last.

At the end of the books this week is a short interview with Brenden Fletcher and Annie Wu. I don't know what I said to make Annie want to kick my ass but I'm sorry, okay?!

I no longer like anything written by Brenden Fletcher, just on principle.

Judging by the interview, Brenden Fletcher's entire idea for Black Canary was that she knows Kung Fu and has a great voice but she has no stage presence and therefore she will eventually do Kung Fu on stage and be a big hit. Everybody applauds and goes back to talking about bands you've never heard of, probably because some of them were made up during the course of the conversation.

Green Lantern #41

I can see those idiot Guardians choosing The Joker as a Lantern.

Are y'all ready for tough guy, on-the-run Hal Jordan?! I hope he has a leather vest and a bad attitude! He should take up smoking and dealing space meth! And he should answer every questioned posed to him with, "Whattya got?" Also he should bang loads and loads of space broads! Unless that's sexist and then he should tenderly make love to consenting space women. Not that the space broads in my first example weren't consenting! But as a tough guy, you don't wait for a woman to say yes because she's practically already tearing your jeans off right when she meets you. At that point you're going to ruin the moment if you lean down and say, "Are you sure you want to suck my fat cock?"

This issue begins at yet another Space Gladiatorium. Bets are being wagered on the battle about to be fought. Some prince or something is about to face off against a Kreeak which is a creature that goes, "KREEAK!" Hal Jordan is probably in the crowd somewhere. He might be the human looking guy in the green robe. Or he might be somewhere else.

Speaking of Gladiatoriums, is everybody going to watch Battlebots on Sunday night? Barbarians. As soon as the ATMs and Electronic Grocery Store Checkout Machines and CoinStars hear about what we're doing to their brethren, we're fucked. Start building your homemade EMP bombs now because after Sunday night, the machines are going to come looking for vengeance!

The guy in the robe is Hal Jordan and he saves the princely guy in the arena by making a sword appear on the prince's arm. This pisses everybody off because I guess this wasn't so much a battle as an execution. Some guy named Trap notices the Krona Gauntlet on Hal and drags his friends off to a later scene to confront Jordan.

Speaking of whispers, I still need to watch last Monday's episode.

Hal Jordan creates a Giant Light Squid to defeat two out of the three bad guys. The third bad guy, Trap, he leaves conscious so he can explain to him that he's not with the Green Lantern Corps because they're good guys who didn't disappoint the universe at all and they really should be given a fifteenth chance. Hal also tells Trap that he's going to jail for a long time but not because Hal is arresting him. Hal's just this guy, you know? No, Hal will leave Trap where he can be found by the Green Lantern Corps but don't think that means Hal has any ties to them! That would be completely wrong to think that.

Hey DC Comics! Notice how I'm ignoring the weirdness in your continuity between this comic book and Justice League #41! See how I'm just enjoying each story as they're being presented without too much editorial control? See how I love that you're letting the writers write whatever they want to write? It's not causing me to grind my teeth at all! You've done it! You've let go! It's all downhill and blown up Death Stars from here!

I meant "downhill" in it gets easier and not in sales!

Before Hal can smash Trap's face into a wall and knock him out while still maintaining the upper hand, Trap tells Hal a secret.

The secret is in Old Portugese [sic]! It reads, "We're too far away to hear it." It was almost too far away to read it too! Stupid old person eyes! I wonder if there are some homeless youths in the area with great vision?

Here we get the time honored tradition of a comic book character discovering something while the reader is left in the dark. It's bullshit, Venditti! Take your Mystery MacGuffin and enjoy it in the other room where I don't have to watch. At least Trap gives us a clue that he told Hal about something rare and mysterious, perhaps even legendary and mythological! I bet Trap told him that he recently saw a fabled Magenta Lantern!

Hal decides Trapper's information is worth taking him along, so he knocks him out and throws him over his shoulder as he and the Prince make their escape. They head back to Darlene, climb inside of her, and they're off to Sector 0000! I don't think the Prince is from there so Hal's probably going to check out the information he received from Trapsie.

Aha! Trapper sure does know a lot! Which is why he must know the reason for the Green Lantern Corps disappearing. That's why he was prompted to tell Hal his secret when Hal mentioned the Green Lantern Corps. Then he asked Hal when he last saw one (meaning a Green Lantern) which lead to Hal flying through Sector 0000 for a quick peek.

Hal Jordan discovers that Mogo and the Green Lantern Corps are gone. Hopefully the destroyed planet he finds at the center of the universe is Oa and not Mogo. Although given John Stewart's history, my guess is he tried to make breakfast and destroyed the entire Corps except for the handful that wound up in a secret breakfast dimension.

Green Lantern #41 Rating: +1 Ranking. Competently written with an ability to write comic book tropes in a way that works within the context of the story and dialogue. Also Hal is casually building a Serenityesque crew for Darlene. I have a feeling the Prince and Trapper might be around for awhile.

Green Lantern #40

Oh my god. It's full of Guy Gardners.

This issue begins with Hal Jordan stealing some glove and shield combo thing from the evidence room on Mogo. Kilowog stops him, calls him a traitor, and challenges him to a fight. I have a feeling I'm going to get a 24 hours earlier tag soon. Or else I'm just going to be confused for the rest of the book.

Well, I do get an "earlier" tag on the next page. I guess 24 hours doesn't really mean anything out here on Mogo. What the fuck is an hour except one arbitrary fraction of the length of time it takes for the Earth to complete one rotation. We could have ten hour days if civilized humans had been smart enough to go metric way back in the beginning! But if we tried that now, everybody (and by "everybody" I mean "Americans") would get confused trying to remember that one metric hour equals 2.4 old measurement hours. We'd be late for everything!

Anyway, "earlier" the Guardians were scheming yet again. They fear the universe isn't doing what they want the universe to do so now they've got to enact their "final gambit." Hopefully that means taking sleeping pills, slitting their wrists, and slipping into non-existence in one of Mogo's quiet streams. If the universe is going to face a threat to its existence, can it, just once, not be due to the Guardians or their Green Lantern Corps? Please?

Hal Jordan decides to become a scapegoat because goats are the best and also Hal is kind of dumb.

This sounds like just the kind of poorly thought out plan that Hal Jordan's known for. So his plan is to go rogue so that all the planets in the universe think, "Oh! I guess the Corps is okay now that that rotten Hal Jordan isn't leading them anymore!" And he figures that wasting the rest of the Corps' time hunting him will get them back on track? Is he going to become some bad ass anti-hero in June? I think he saw how Carol followed Kyle around when he felt ostracized from the rest of the Corps and now he thinks she'll come after him if she sees he's a lonely rebel too.

The weapon Hal is stealing is Krona's Gauntlet which means it must be powerful and it probably played a key role in some Rainbow War or Brightest Night or Bleakest Day or some other Preboot crap. Kilowog fights Hal because he wants to know Hal has what it takes to survive with the entire universe after him. I don't know why they're so confident that if he betrays the Corps, the universe will believe he's a criminal and back the Corps! It's more likely that they'll see him as a hero who abandoned a corrupt force of authoritarian dickbags! Everybody in the universe will want to help him survive. And most of the Lanterns probably wouldn't really give a shit. "Oh, Hal took off with Krona's Gauntlet? I'm sure he had a good reason."

Hal nearly kills Kilowog and then he hugs his unconscious body and cries like a little baby. That's when Salaak and the others walk in to find him groping his unconscious teammate.

See? Salaak already knows there must be an explanation other than "Hal Jordan is an evil bastard that must be stopped at all costs and there's no way he can have some other reason for doing what he's doing!"

Hal Jordan ditches the Corps to go have adventures all his own while the Bohemian Guardians prepare to fuck up the universe once again.

Green Lantern #40 Rating: No change. I really do hope Hal Jordan remains separate from the Corps for awhile. These things never seem to last for more than a few months before all of the Lanterns are sucked back into some new cosmic crisis. I don't really care for the way he left the Corps since it seems kind of irrational and impulsive but I won't mind reading a Green Lantern comic book with Hal Jordan having space adventures without the fucking Guardians breathing down his neck. Hopefully the Green Lantern Corps stories will take place in whatever the new Green Lantern books will be. Also, did anybody else think the art in this issue was horrible? I usually really like Billy Tan's stuff so I guess it's Mark Irwin's inking that sucked.

This issue was like a Sailor Moon valentine which points out that I'm smarter than the intended recipient which, according to the back, was the Non-Certified Spouse's sister.

Green Lantern #39

You're showing them the wrong finger, Hal.

Last issue, Hal Jordan was forced to take a sabbatical which made me think, "Hey! I would love a sabbatical!" But I think when you own your own business and you're the only employee of said business, taking a sabbatical is called "quitting." Stupid system.

So far it's been one issue since the last Cosmic Crisis. Will the next crisis begin in this issue?! I have a feeling it will at least be teased. Robert Venditti will just caress the outside of our lips with the tip of his dick and ask, "How's that, hmm? You like that? You want to taste it, don't you? You're a dirty Hal Jordan fan, aren't you?" And then he'll take it away and slap us in the face instead. And we'll like it!

I mean, some of you sicko pervs will like it! But not me! No way! I'll be all, "Ha ha! Joke's on you, Venditti! I came in my pants as soon as I saw your cock!" And then I'll run awkwardly from the room with jizz dripping down my leg.

This issue begins with Venditti's dick slip slapping all over everybody's chins! Some cosmic catastrophe is befalling a planet in Sector 3276 and the reverberations are felt all the way back on Earth by Constantine, Shazam, and Raven (and probably some others).

Have Venditti and Tan been reading my Teen Titan commentaries where I said, "So would it be weird, knowing that Gar is human and all, to ask him to look like a panda as I fucked him? That is weird, right? Of course I'd ask him to look like a female panda! I'm not gay!"?

The Guardians decide that Hal Jordan needs to cut his vacation short and get out to Sector 3276 to stop whatever is happening before it happens to every other planet in the universe and crosses over with every other comic book in The New 52.

What do I call DC's new universe when June comes around? The Old 52? The Universe Formerly Known as The New 52? The DC Universe? The Universe Disgruntled Fans Can Now Like Even Though It's The Same Universe They Hated When It Was Called The New 52?

When the Guardians call on Hal, he isn't on Earth vacationing anymore. He's in Sector 2813 helping some alien miners trapped in an asteroid belt cave-in. As their ship is crushed by asteroids, Hal commands his ring to save the aliens. He just tells it what to do and it figures it out and does all the work. He says "Extract now!" and the ring extracts the miners (or thieves. Probably thieves) immediately. I didn't know Hal didn't actually have to put any effort into figuring out how to save people. Why can't the ring just fly around the universe on its own then? It has the ability to find people with the ability to overcome fear, so why can't the rings just fly around saving people in trouble? I'm beginning to think the rings' wearers are superfluous.

Some cops stop by to collect the criminals before Hal steps foot in their planet's atmosphere and they seem to feel the Lanterns might be a bit superfluous as well.

This is the sweetest "Fuck you!" I've ever read!

Hal Jordan heads back to Mogo to see the Guardians but first he has a chat with Kilowog. Hal's all, "So many crises!" And Kilowog is all, "I know, right!" And Hal is all, "Psh! Guardians!" And Kilowog is all, "I know, right?!"

Hal heads off expecting to get his ass handed to him by The Guardians once again. But he's surprised that they seem to like the job he's been doing. I'm also surprised they like the job he's been doing! They must be high on space dope.

Jesus Christ, these Guardians are such fucking control freaks. The universe can get along just fine on its own! In fact, it does better when they don't interfere!

Hal leaves the Guardians and heads into the Green Lantern Locker Room to change. He leaves his ring and his father's pilot jacket in his locker next to his battery and then walks away to force the universe to like the Green Lantern Corps once again. Maybe he should hand out Green Lantern Corps trading cards to all the kids on his beat?

Hal also walks away from his locker without locking it or closing its door. I understand forgetting to close it because it's not called a Closer. But to forget to lock it when "lock" is right in the name?! Stupid. I hope somebody steals his fucking ring.

Green Lantern #39 Rating: No change. Hal Jordan finally got some warm fuzzies from the Guardians of the Universe. He's only been waiting his entire career as a Green Lantern for this moment. The weird part about this story is that the Guardians were watching planet after planet fall to some crisis but they didn't even mention it to Hal! They just want him to go on a good will tour to try and get people to love them again. You know how you can get the universe to start loving you again? Stop killing unarmed African-Americans and the mentally ill! Oh, sorry. I slipped into chastising the wrong police force.

COSMIC CRISIS COUNTDOWN: 2 Issues!