Pandora #13

I'm not even going to pretend I understand how her right arm is doing what it's doing.

This issue begins with more art with which I'm not entirely pleased. I'm not even close to not entirely pleased. I'm way over on the dis side of pleased. But what can I do? I suppose I could go on Twitter and tell Francis Portela to draw more betterer. Why can't good old Francis draw more dynamic characters the way Rob Liefeld does it! Or used to do it? You know, I've never actually read a Rob Liefeld drawn book with dynamic characters and yet that's the way most of his fans defend his style. I remember it far differently! Nearly every character was posed like an action figure with three points of articulation!

Andrew Dalhouse might be part of the art problem too. His coloring is flat and boring and not at all pink and lively! Why is everything gray and brown? When there is a color like red or yellow or orange, it's actually Nearly-Red or Nearly-Orange or Nearly-Almost-But-Not-Quite-Yellow. Or it looks like I'm viewing the colors through plexiglass on a foggy day.

See?! Oh wait. The colors actually look brighter and more vibrant in the scan! Maybe I should scan every page before I read it!

That little building with all the smoke is where Marcus lived in 1800 BCE in Greece. Even back then, he was Pandora's weapons maker. Although his skin was a bit pinker and he had more hair. But in a few panels, he's just as dead as he is in July of 2014. But an old Greek woman teaches Pandora the proper way to burn Marcus so that he will be reborn with his most important aspects intact. Those aspects are his weapons making ability and the other one that Pandora likes so much. Oh, you know the one I'm hinting at! The one that most guys don't like doing! Cooking! And I don't mean on a grill! I mean proper cooking with recipes and ovens and pots simmering over and sometimes even baking which is somehow different than cooking but still quite important.

Oh! I almost forgot! To properly perform the Ritual of Reborning, Pandora must speak these words in Old Runic Portugese [sic]: "Do it, yo! Shebitch."

Once Agent Agent Kincaid patches up Pandora's wounds, Pandora explains to them that she must burn Marcus's body so that his soul will be reborn. Then she must find him again, and raise him to be her lover. Um. Ew. I'm less concerned that she seems to kidnap him from his real family than I am that she acts as his mother until he's old enough to do it to. No wonder SHADE thinks she's a monster!

I know you've lived through various cultures with various beliefs, Pandora, but can we please try to make it at least seventeen years before the hanky and the panky?

Giganta and Agent Agent Kincaid help Pandora with the ritual although Pandora gets the Old Runic Portugese [sic] words wrong. It still works because "Do it, yo. Shebitch" are probably outdated magic words and offensive to modern magic sensibilities. Although her new magic chant is "Come back to me, you retarded nigger faggot" which seems the tiniest bit insensitive. It's possible I'm purposely mistranslating her Old Runic Portugese [sic] because I'm an asshole.

Pandora has a vision that Marcus is currently being born in Okinawa to loving parents that are going to be majorly traumatized in the near future.

Once the ritual is over, Agent Agent Kincaid offers Pandora and Giganta a chance to be dropped from SHADE's most wanted list. It seems Baltimore is about to be overrun with a vampire infestation and if they help, she'll pull some strings and SHADE will leave them alone.

The Vampire Cult is run by a super sexy Vampire Queen who might be Bloody Mary. She also might be completely racist since all of her vampire brethren are white. I think.

Come on! This is Baltimore! I'd expect at least half of these vampires to be, um, more urban!

Pandora #13 Rating: No change. This comic book didn't answer the question, "Where did Vandal Savage land?" I hope Marcus is born to a family that lives in a haunted apartment complex where people have transplanted eyes that see the dead and live in apartments where somebody did something awful and a vengeful spirit has remained behind! Or maybe somebody watched a cursed video tape and then forgot to make copies of it and force other people to watch it and so the scary well girl began coming out of television sets and killing people all over the place. Now I want to stop reading all American comic books and just read Japanese horror comics.

Catwoman #33

HOLY GOD IN HEAVEN WHEN IS ANN NOCENTI GOING TO RETIRE?!

Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Yet Another List of Ann Nocenti's Bullshit

1. Catwoman begins the issue upset with Roulette because her Race of Thieves was garbage. Also because it was fixed. And even though Catwoman should have won enough money to retire for the rest of her life and never write another shitty comic book ever again because she bet on a 100 to 1 long shot and won, Catwoman still insists on ruining Roulette's life. Why? Because she fixed a race, dammit! She held a contest and broke trust with the contestants by rigging it? It was a contest for thieves! If there's is one thing I know about thieves, there is no honor amongst them! It's like their main commandment! Thou shalt not have honor! Who is Catwoman to come around and change that?! She knew the contest wasn't going to be fair from the beginning and now she's more pissed off than she's ever been in her life because she found out it was true?! She used the fixing of the race to her advantage!

Catwoman is really pissing me off right now!

2. Catwoman ruins a computer monitor because, like a cat, she can't tell reality from images on a screen and she thinks she just defeated Question Mark Face.

3. Did any of this ever even happen?! Roulette never gained Catwoman's trust! Catwoman never thought she was going crazy! Catwoman hasn't given up any information unless Roulette's entire plan was to throw a fake Race of Thieves so that Catwoman would solve the mystery of the old dead Countess. Although why would Roulette specifically target Catwoman for that plan since Catwoman has never been known for her ability to solve cold cases up until now? And how the fuck did Alice Tesla figure all of this out simply because there were gaslights at the beginning of the race?!

Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman

Alice Tesla mentions a thing and then defines that thing. She defines it across several short, staccato sentences. Catwoman looks off into the distance and mentions the thing that Alice first mentioned but in different terms. Alice Tesla agrees and then adds a bit of information that doesn't have anything to do with anything else. Catwoman smirks. She says a thing. She says the thing a different way. She comes to a conclusion that's a half-processed idiom.

End Scene!

3. As in...the length of a National Hockey League season!? If I suddenly found myself pregnant and didn't want to cause a scandal, I think I'd take a trip that lasted shorter or longer than nine months. You think she would have waited until she was starting to show before leaving for her trip? Maybe she did but then, like a moron, stayed on an extra three or four months after giving up the baby to a strange Transylvanian Countess.

4. Selina asks Gillbrite a question which he answers by answering another question and then continues to string together sentences with no actual relation to each other.

5. Who says that? People say that? I don't think anybody says that. Also some kid is playing frisbee with a wolf. Also also Gillbrite didn't fucking unleash anything! He found some more information about an old case. I don't think it's going to threaten the Omniverse.

I know just because I've never heard a saying that it doesn't mean the saying doesn't exist! I first learned the phrase "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" when I played Infocom's Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head Or Tail Of It. Not a week later, I was in Las Vegas playing Paigow. An old man sitting next to me picks up his cards, chuckles, shows them to me, and says, "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!" That old guy became my best friend for the next few hours.

6. Catwoman confronts Hunt Stone about his plan to use her for whatever he used her for. I guess since he didn't know how to manipulate the World's Greatest Detective, the next best person to manipulate was the World's Greatest Detective's Fuck Buddy. Hopefully somebody will explain how the Race of Thieves became the front for getting Catwoman to solve a cold case that Hunt Stone didn't actually want solved.

7. Why are we four issues into the Race of Thieves and nobody has commented on the fact that Hunt Stone's head is on fire?

8. Luckily Catwoman and Hunt Stone have a battle in which they summarize the essential bits of the story instead of concentrating on the punching and the biting. I think it calls for another Scene!

Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman

"I know what you seek, Hunt!" mrowled Catwoman accusatorily!

"You know what a cunt sees?" questioned Hunt confusitationally.

"When you heard about the dig under the Viceroy Manor, you panicked," explained Catwoman to the readers that weren't quite sure why Hunt would care about any of this since he was just a descendant of the servant that was willed all of Viceroy's money and what did a centuries old murder have to do with any of that? Especially when Viceroy Manor was loaded with riches that the servant didn't get that the Viceroy's children and children's descendants could have claimed. It seemed like a lot of bother for nothing. The Race of Thieves was a stupid idea but it would have been better if it wasn't just the cover for some paranoid asshat that was afraid that his great grandfather would suddenly be accused of murder even though there was no evidence for it at all.

"Do you want I should explain how the whole Race of Thieves came about so that we could, um, I don't know. Tamper with evidence, I guess? Is that the best connection I have between the Race of Thieves and hiring somebody to crack the cold case and then bury the evidence that he finds so that...wait, why did I do that again?" stumbled Hunt Mason. Unless his name was something else. "Anyway, if only you had arrived moments earlier, you would have had me dead to rights. But for what, I don't know. Burning evidence that proves that the original coroner's report and investigation were true? Why would that matter? What's going on here? Where am I?"

"You were busy burning the evidence that would have exonerated, not implicated, your fine stonemason. You were the rightful heir of the Viceroy fortune all along. You had nothing to fear from the crime scene," explains away Catwoman as if the rest of the story somehow made sense and Ann Nocenti didn't just realize that it's all stupid crap.

"Oh woes me! Or something! I should have read the report before burning it! And I should have never done anything at all! Mother always said my paranoia would get the best of me! Unless she didn't ever say that and it was just the paranoia talking," fainted Hunt Thompson. "Why is my head on fire?" he finished.

End Scene!

9. So that the Gotham Police Department doesn't charge him with tampering with the evidence of a two hundred year old crime scene, Hunt Stone gives up some information about Roulette to Catwoman. As if the Gotham Police would care! And anyway, Catwoman did more tampering with evidence than Hunt Mason did! She stole love letters and tramped around the crime scene on stealthy kitty paws! All Hunt Mason did was burn some evidence reports which were sent to him by a private investigator which means they were his reports anyway!

10. I have a theory! Ann Nocenti is a multi-dimensional creature that can't exist in linear time so she's just guessing at the way stories are told and people act! Reality makes as much sense to her as her comic book plots make to us!

11. Hunt Stone tells Catwoman what Roulette does in a day. Luckily for Catwoman, Roulette is an "extreme OCD Neurotic" which means the details Stone gave Catwoman will help Catwoman take revenge on Roulette any day of the week!

12. Roulette is an odd name and fixation for somebody with extreme OCD. How do people with OCD fare with devices that give out random iterations of things?

13. Roulette's Narration Box symbol is a pair of dice. Because that makes little sense. Pure Nocenti! Even if it is the fault of the artists and/or letterers.

14. Catwoman's first act of revenge is to add ten pounds to Roulette's bench press. Maniacal!

15. Catwoman's second act of revenge is to throw a mechanical octopus in the pool that almost drowns Roulette. The purpose is to make Roulette think that she imagined whatever it was that almost drowned her in the same way that Data imagined that Octopus in Goonies. The problem with this act of revenge meant to make her question her sanity is that the art tells a different story where Roulette would have to be a fucking stupid jizzbag to not realize she actually was attacked by some mechanical contraption.

16. Roulette refers to the bench press machine as a "death trap" because she couldn't finish her last rep. Lawsuits for everyone!

17. Catwoman puts on a chauffeur's cap. The perfect disguise!

18. Catwoman ruins one of Roulette's business deals with a plan that rivals the extra weight trick and the perfect disguise! She sends a couple of thugs to Roulette's business meeting and have them say, "We're, uh, duh, uh, wit' Rolo or sometin'?" The Chinese casino owner shouts, "No deal!"

19. Finally Catwoman shows up to punch Roulette in the face and declare herself the winner of the Race of Thieves! She can haz trophy?

Well, she is an "extreme OCD neurotic." I suppose she'd be okay with that as long as every day was exactly the same.

20. At the end, Selina remembers all the other characters in the story and how she defeated them. She says of Hunter S. Mason: "Any time I want, I can put you in jail." What? Why?! I already pointed out why you can't! So he hired Roulette to run a contest. Big deal! And he hired a private investigator to investigate a two hundred year old murder and then burned the file that contained everything the private investigator learned. You broke more laws by stealing those letters, you Froot Loop Dingus!

Catwoman #33 Rating: -2 Ranking. I know I already have this comic book ranked at 52 out of 52 but it's so bad that it needs to be ranked even lower. It is now 54 out of 52! And there aren't even currently 52 books in The New 52! This book is a stinker! It's also one of my favorite to write about!

Superman #33

When did it become popular to have Superman's finger constantly on the heat vision trigger?

I wonder if Superman can withstand the customer support line at GoDaddy because I sure can't! Who writes the crap the on-hold narrator spews at the person that just wants to be able to log in to the account so that they can transfer away the account?! "We will exceed your expectations!" No. Don't. Just do what I ask! Don't do what you think I want you to do according to some intuitive leap of your psychotic business model based on what I actually want you to do! Your commercials shouldn't have half-naked women stopping just short of getting naked to lure pervs to your site to see the rest of the video where, I assume, nobody actually gets naked. Your commercials should say, "Come to GoDaddy.com to see video of us fucking ourselves with sharp objects!"

At this point, I should clarify that I never actually wanted to be in bed with GoDaddy. But when I purchased the business I had been working for for several years, the original owner had registered the business's domain name at GoDaddy. Thankfully he didn't decide to host the site with them. I told him I was going to be moving away from GoDaddy as soon as possible but when I realized the site wasn't hosted there, I forgot I had any links to them at all. Until this month. Because now GoDaddy wants some of my money! Well guess what, GoDaddy! You aren't getting any money from me, you fucktwats! I'm going to gamble with my site! I'll let it expire and then re-register it with my site's current host and cut you out of the loop forever! Ha ha ha! And if it doesn't work and I somehow fuck it all up and lose my business site, it'll still be worth it to know I didn't give you any money! Besides, my web site doesn't really do much for my business anyway. I really simply rely on word of mouth and people running into me on the street and saying, "You don't look too creepy. You want another client?"

I'm sure some of you with actual working reading comprehension skills are thinking, "Why gamble on the site? Why not just transfer it like you mentioned you were trying to do right at the start before you got distracted by your love of hating things?" Well that brings us back around to the Superman withstanding the customer support line comment! You see, I can't actually get into the GoDaddy account without jumping through a whole bunch of hoops that I don't feel like jumping through. Especially if it only means that when I'm done running around collecting all the gems, I still have to speak with GoDaddy Customer Support! I just can't do it. Not again!

Superman has it easy compared to my life. He even made a new friend last issue by the name of Ulysses. Although nobody, even the Daily Planet, knows that name yet. But they'd better learn it soon so they know who to curse when armies of unkillable robot monsters invade our dimension looking for Ulysses.

My guess as to the long hair is because nothing on Earth-4 exists which is sharp enough to cut his sexily strong locks. As to why he doesn't wear a cape, why the fuck is that an important piece of information? For such an angry jerko looking to sell newspapers, he's not very good at finding angles. I guess that's why Lois Lane is worth the paycheck. By the end of this issue, she'll probably have discovered the length of his penis and the flavor of his asshole.

The Daily Planet reporters are awful! They don't even know how many heart attacks J. Jonah Jameson has had!

After the meeting where Perry tells everybody to get out there and find some of the newest news around, Clark Kent drops by to discuss some of the oldest news. But first we learn that Cat Grant is heading back to the Daily Planet. What happened to Clarkcatropolis? Did she run it into the ground already as she realized that entertainment news on the internet can't be successful unless you draw funny things on the picture and make horrible statements about Jennifer Gardner and Ben Affleck's goblin baby? I bet she's kicking herself now for not accepting Morgan Glen Glenmorgan Morgan's thirteen million dollar cash offer! I'm not sure I'd accept a thirteen million dollar cash offer either though. Where the fuck would I put all those bills?!

The thing Clark wanted to speak with Perry about that was supposed to be the subject of the last paragraph until I decided I wanted to talk about Cat Grant a little bit was an article that Perry wrote twenty five years ago about the Ulysses Project. That was a project in 1990 where a bunch of scientists decided that if Warrant's "Cherry Pie" could be a top ten hit, the end of the world must be near. So they buried themselves in a bunker under Omaha and then all subsequently died when a couple of randy scientists monitoring emergency panels began swingin' on the floor and didn't notice all the dials were inching into the red.

Sure, "Cherry Pie" didn't exist over twenty five years ago if we're taking Perry's statement literally. But since the cold war was still going on "over twenty five years ago" (hell, the Berlin Wall was still standing if we take Perry's statement at face value), I figure Perry just has the dates wrong. So I corrected for his faulty memory and figured the article was written after the Cold War which meant "Cherry Pie" had just recently devastated America, giving the scientists a proper reason to remove themselves from civilization.

Perry rats out his source to Clark Kent and spills beans all over his office. The Ulysses Project was started by a government scientist named Margaret Night who ran a bunch of Black Ops projects for the government. But then she couldn't stop hearing "Cherry Pie" everywhere she went and she knew Warrant had bested her at her own game. Warrant had discovered a method of delivering intense pain greater than any method she had ever theorized. So she gave it all up.

See? She was hiding some other reason! That fucking song!

Perry White agrees to help Clark if Clark agrees to help him by helping Clark if Perry helps Clark help him. It's a really convoluted business partnership and no less than five dicks are sucked to seal the deal. After a healthy gargle, Perry and Clark hear a commotion out in the Daily Bugle offices. Ulysses has arrived for an interview with Clark Kent! I wonder how he knows him?!

"You promised me this piece, Kent! Remember, the Pact of the Five Blowies is more sacred than a pinky swear!"

I like the way John Romita Jr draws Lois and, I guess, the other people that aren't as adorable as Lois as well. But he makes one big mistake that I think would really improve his shit if he'd stop doing it: those damn lines on the face, including the lines to show cheekbones and facial structure. They're awful. I'd rather he left the dimensions of the face to the colorist instead of doing the whole Jim Lee/David Finch/Other Jerks That Love To Ruin The Art With Squiggly Lines bullshit. Some of you are probably thinking, "I really like that look, Tess!" And I'd respond, "That's okay! You're entitled to your subjective opinion on the objective fact that those squiggly lines suck platypus rectum."

Clark takes Ulysses back to his apartment where he tells him not to fucking move. He doesn't even show him how to turn on the Xbox Jimmy Olsen left behind when Clark leaves to check out Ulysses' story. He just leaves him to grow bored and begin going through his stuff. Does Superman keep anything important in Clark Kent's apartment? I bet all he has in the place are his clothes and a pile of porn behind the bathroom door.

While Superman explores the old Ulysses project ruins, Ulysses steals some of Clark Kent's clothing so he can blend in when he decides not fucking moving is boring. Although he doesn't do anything to hide his hair which hangs down past his butt. I wonder if he ever gets naked and shoves his hair up his own ass so that he can enjoy the feeling of slowly pulling it out? I bet that would feel awesome.

Anyway, Ulysses runs into some trouble while he's flirting with humans and eating human food and trying to convince himself that he fits in simply because he was born on this planet. The trouble? Plastic army men that have come to life and grown to human size!

I wonder if somebody ordered these from the back of a comic book?

Superman comes back to help Ulysses stop the soldiers that look like they were created by the same asshole that created Titano. But more than that, he has some information about the Ulysses Research Lab that even Perry didn't know. Ulysses' parents managed to seal the leak of radiation from the Second Dimension (which may or may not be Earth 2 if DC wants to be honest about having only 52 universes as opposed to 52 universes each with an infinite amount of dimensions. Why do they even bother trying to keep a tight control on the limits of the DC Universe?) after they shipped their baby to another world. Whoops! Anyway, it all amounts to one great big fucking surprise for Ulysses's parents in a few pages.

Superman takes Ulysses to meet his parents and when they're reunited, Ulysses' dad simply mutters, "Great. We shipped him off into Hippie World."

During the reunion, some weird guy in a robe with a stupid stick looks on and says to himself, "You have to be alone, Clark. For now." What a mystery! I suppose you can't just end a comic book on a touching moment, can you? Gotta have some kind of stupid mystery lingering in the condom.

Superman #33 Rating: +4 Ranking. How long has it been since Superman was in a story where he didn't have to punch the fuck out of everything? Okay, so he smashed two robot soldiers in one panel in this issue. But mostly he just did Clark Kent research crap. It's refreshing to see Superman tackling a problem that doesn't threaten the Omniverse nor does it threaten him physically at every turn. I do suppose that's coming though. Ulysses is as powerful as Superman so you figure Johns won't be able to resist making them fight at least once. I would love to see them never attack each other physically even if they disagree on a number of things. Especially since Ulysses seems to have grown up on a pacifist world!

Justice League Dark #33

I thought this said "In the grip of the goose!" up until I scanned it.

Remember last issue when Zatanna quoted that great poet with the line, "Limitation isn't an impossible invitation, it's a delicious cookie"? The reason she didn't attribute it like she should have is because the quote was from J.M. DeMatteis himself. This is where a lesser blogger or one of Scott Lobdell's characters would say, "That's so meta!" But it's where I say, "What a fucking egotistical bastard! Quoting himself? Who fucking does that?!"

I can't wait to find out who this Goose character is!

This issue begins with Swamp Thing playing chess against John Constantine and Deadman theorizing about me.

That's so meta!

Deadman questions why Zatanna has feelings for John Constantine as Zatanna looks at old family photographs with the answer to that question.

Daddy issues!

I don't know how anybody gets any work done while connected to the internet! I'm supposed to be providing hilarious comic-book themed entertainment by writing fake angry commentary on DC's New 52, but instead I'm on Skype with Doom Bunny making fun of Hollywood movies. That could be an entertaining blog all by itself! Our Skype chats should be like a radio station where people could log in to read the feed. It's probably the funniest thing most of you will read all morning. I'm not bragging. If I were bragging, I'd have mentioned how big my cock was. But if you go back and reread the paragraph, you'll notice I didn't say anything like that at all!

I was going to ask why guys brag about the size of their penis when it's not really an accomplishment when I realized that somebody with a big penis would probably already know why they brag about it, so I should pretend I already know! So never mind. I totally know the answer to that question! Big time! Wink, wink!

Now you're probably demanding proof that Doom Bunny and I have entertaining Skype chats. I should probably just let you imagine how funny they are because reality is never as good as imaginity! But I'll give you a taste anyway because it fills space and keeps me from having to think up new things to write.

Me: "Do porn movie plots ever resolve?"
Doom Bunny: "I don't know! Does anyone ever make it further than five minutes in?"
Me: "Pornos should just tack on the wrong ending to all the movies. 'Hostage crisis that turns into gang bang. After gang bang, the zoo is saved!'"
Doom Bunny: "I think after about five minutes, the actors just get up and walk away. No one would ever know!"
Doom Bunny: "It would be awesome if the pizza guy still demanded his money afterward."
Me: "And then is pissed about the size of his tip. Brozingo!"
Me: "Then the cops bust in because he's underage. Then she fucks the cops. Then the zoo is saved!"

I've trademarked the term "Brozingo!", by the way. So don't think you're going to steal it and market it on poorly made Hong Kongian t-shirts! It's what I always say after I say something really stupid but I want people to think it was really funny! I totally didn't rip it off from anywhere at all.

And then the zoo is saved!

Deadman can feel whatever the body he's possessing feels, right? So I'm sure he possesses people at least once a day to rub one out. Sometimes he'll possess Zatanna; sometimes Constantine. And occasionally, when he's feeling really nasty, he probably possesses Swamp Thing and goes off to fuck a pumpkin.

As Deadman begins fantasizing about feeling a really good fuck for once in his death, he's transported to a place with lots of snow and screaming faces. I guess he's going to have to host a new episode of In Search Of: The Mystery of Nanda Parbat.

Everybody continues to treat Constantine like shit, and while I'm not saying it isn't without reason, I am wondering why the fuck Constantine sticks around to suffer the abuse. Ditch these fucknuggets, John! You're better than they are! They're just a bunch of poncy twats playing at being illusionists. They wouldn't know real magic if it pulled them out of a hat! I'm just going to believe that Zatanna has unconsciously commanded the House of Mystery to keep Constantine locked inside. And John knows this but he's just being polite and not saying anything because now he knows Zatanna wants to see his penis happy. Even if she doesn't know she wants to see that. All that matters is that the House of Mystery knows she wants to see that. And the House might actually want to see that too.

Deadman's friends can't help him so he begins his quest on his own which is the way quests were meant to be taken. Unless you have a gardener that loves you so much that he'll eavesdrop on your conversations and carry your poisoned ass halfway across the world. I think it's acceptable to go on quests with people like that as long as they don't try to call themselves the hero.

Deadman begins his quest at home. Then he meets with the wise man that vaguely explains the outline of his quest. Then he's set on a journey to travel to his quest. This includes a dragon and some magic and stuff.

While Deadman gets on with his life, his friends continue to bicker and remain totally useless.

Back to Boston's quest, he finishes his journey and arrives at his destination. He didn't have any battles to fight or puzzles to solve along the way because I think his friends are dealing with that part of the journey. But he does realize that his journey has taken him from home and back again! He's home in Nanda Parbat! But he didn't face any difficulties or conflicts along the way. He didn't defeat a Humbaba or master the Force or drag a corpse around a city wall just for the fun of it. He didn't go to hell or Mt. Doom or the other side of the island. He simply put one foot in front of the other and soon found himself walking out the door and into Nanda Parbat! That was the worst heroic journey ever!

And apparently the reason everything was so easy was because the Evil Mr Smarty Pants (the pants part of this Evil Mr Smarty Pants are purely metaphorical) was hitching a ride on Deadman the entire time!

They're called Pantheon and they smell so bad that they evolved a skin growth that covers their nose so that they don't have to smell their own festering belly wounds.

Justice League Dark manage to follow Boston Brand and his new friends back to Nanda Parbat. That's when they encounter a destroyed paradise and Pantheon the thought-form projection mind-worms of a mind so vast and complex that Zatanna doesn't have enough time to explain it before Justice League Dark is attacked by Pantheon(s). During the brief battle (which is less a battle and more of a one-punch knockout), Zatanna casts one of her backwards spells that, when reversed so it can be read correctly, becomes "Dleihs fo Ollopa." I don't get it.

Anyway, Justice League Dark wind up unconscious and Deadman winds up alive. Poor bastard.

Justice League Dark #33 Rating: No change. The main thing I dislike about this book is all the commentary between members of the gang about the situations they're in and the dangers they're facing. I already pointed out Zatanna's discussion of the thought-forms and the mind so vast, and the individual projections, but there are so many more moments of clunky, explanatory dialogue that doesn't really explain anything nor does it seem to have a purpose other than to have characters speak. So at one point we get "the spells originated here--in the ruins of Nanda Parbat? Here...and not here." Profound! Then there's the hole in space-time that keeps shifting around them but it doesn't cause them any trouble and they enter and follow Boston with no consequences (okay, Swamp Thing gets cut in two. But that's not really a consequence when he just regenerates his body and nobody really comments on it except Swamp Thing himself). There's the battle against the "embodied spells" which are "living enchantments" that seem like maybe they'll be some kind of serious threat until Zatanna just dissolves them with one quick spell. It just seems like DeMatteis peppers this book with all sorts of exclamations by the characters about how magicky and super magicky everything is but none of the dialogue matters or means anything in particular. It's all just too much mustard smeared on a sandwich already covered in a disgusting amount of mayonnaise. And you figure, "Well, I already paid for it!" So you bite into it and suddenly realize that the mayo isn't mayo at all but J.M.'s love sauce! Not that I have anything particularly against people enjoying other people's love sauces! It's just I'd rather not be surprised by it, you know?

All Star Western #33

"Painting the town dead" is a play on the phrase "Painting the town for the low, low cost of $100."

I've generally stayed away from reblogging non-comic book related things on Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. And I'll mostly keep it that way on the Blogspot version. But I figure it's time to embrace the tumblr part of tessatechaitea.tumblr.com! I constantly see blog posts that I think are fucking idiotic and simple-minded and I choose not to respond. But I've held my piece for too long! Unless the phrase is "held my peace!" But I think it's "held my piece" as in "holstering my gun" meaning that I have refused to shoot idiots in the face for far too long now. It's time to go to war because I've stopped holding my peace! Draw, motherfuckers!

I think I might be letting Jonah Hex get to my head a little bit. Whenever I watch or read a Western, I immediately want to go out and find somebody that I can pretend is breaking the law just so I can bring them to imaginary justice. Mostly I just hide behind a wall and say, "Stop, ya varmint!" Then I run away as fast as I can while high-fiving myself for a job well done. But it's time to step up my game! Next time I see some punk doing something that, if I squint just right, I can imagine is horrendous, I'll yell, "Reap the whirlwind, misfit!" And then I won't run away at all! I'll just glare at them as they point at themselves, then look over their shoulder to see if I might be talking about somebody else, then look back at me confused, shrug, and walk away. Justice!

This issue begins with Tallulah and Jonah tied up and captured by brigands! Unless they're bandits. Maybe they're just thoroughly despicable rakes. Anyway, I think Jonah might actually die in this story! It would be okay if he did, seeing as how he is a stranger in a strange time and there's an alternate (perhaps more real?) version of himself already living in this Old West. It would be quite the exciting way for All Star Western to end! I'm a huge fan of stories where the main character is killed in the end. That's why I like the New Testament so much.

I wish Quentin Tarantino would make a version of The Greatest Story Ever Told. Except where would he fit in the word "nigger"?

After this is cancelled, DC will eventually put out another Western title, perhaps Weird Western Tales. And hopefully that one will showcase Tallulah as the main character. Or Jenny Freedom!

Last issue, Merle the brigandit chief promised Jonah and Tallulah that today would be their last day. I pointed out that that would be a hard promise to keep. And I think it really will be now that this idiot and his men have untied Jonah and Tallulah and pulled them out from underneath their horses. I guess he doesn't want his gang members gossiping back in town that he killed a couple of helpless people like a great yellow coward.

Getting back to this idea about Tarantino directing a film about the Bible, I'm already seeing a scene where Moses comes down off the mountain with his huge stone tablets to find his people worshiping a big tittied cow idol. "Motherfuckers!" he mutters as he descends howling, one stone tablet over his head. He enters the camp and begins bashing in the skulls of the idolators with the stone tablet, blood and gore flying everywhere as he's screaming like a madman. One slow motion shot shows the tablet descending to explode the head of a mother with her child sucking at her tit, the engraving on the tablet plainly reading as it whizzes by, "Thous Shalt Not Kill."

Later, Moses never makes it to the Promised Land because God is tired of his filthy mouth. Instead, Moses is kidnapped by a Babylonian who imprisons him in a dungeon with some guy dressed all in leather with a strange marking on his forehead. He approaches him ominously as Moses is hogtied and bent over an altar with his robe pulled up to reveal his naked ass. "Shouldn't've shown your face this side of Eden, pops. I am going to make you squeal like a filthy animal." A terrified look comes across Moses's face as the camera shoots up through the ground and into the sky, pans across the landscape, and descends on Moses's people as they're entering the Promised Land. They pause and look up quizzically as just the hint of a tortured scream, somewhat like the squeal of a pig, descends upon them.

I think I should write up this screenplay and send it to somebody! It's a winner!

Anyway, back to All Star Western, Jonah Hex winds up blowing holes in all the outlaws because that's what always happens.

Amen, Jonah! And those men what don't understand women? They wind up dead!

Jonah and Tallulah head back to the town that stole their bounty only to find that the town got a little of the old tit for tat. Or something. What I'm trying to say in a way that isn't just coming right out and say it is that somebody stole the bounty from them as well. It was a gang of masked men which means one of them was probably Alterna-Jonah Hex.

And if one of them was, he's dead now because Jonah and Tallulah and a little boy killed them all.

The little boy takes a mortal wound but lasts long enough to tell Jonah a sob story about the town needing the bounty money for medicine. So Jonah decides to do the right thing. He heads off to collect the bounty while Tallulah remains behind to comfort the boy as he dies.

Jonah and Tallulah return to the town to find they're too late to save any but one old woman with the medicine. They head off into the mountains to try to get a few days rest before heading back out on the bounty trail. And then the next month blurb states, "The Death of Jonah Hex!" Well, I'd expect no less. It's just a matter of which one dies though, isn't it?

All Star Western #33 Rating: No change. I love westerns and All Star Western does western well. There's gun fights and mouth fights and fist fights and fuck fights and all sorts of fights you'd expect on the edges of civilization! And there are two characters that take control of their destinies and destiny the control of their...shit. I kind of got tangled up in my review words. Fuck it. I suck at the actual reviewing part of the comic book reviews. I'm much better at picturing Jesus Christ on the cross about to be stabbed in the side by a spear. But then he pulls his feet free from the crucifix, a nail still in each foot, and strangles the Roman with his legs, securing his grip by piercing the Roman's chest with his feet nails. As the Roman dies, he drops the spear which Jesus kicks up with his foot to catch in his teeth. He then uses it to slice through his wrist and free his left hand. Then he swings around and uses his weight to pull his other hand free, nail still embedded in his wrist. He does a flip and lands, balanced, on the top of the crucifix as the Romans charge and the other crucified thieves cheer him on! He takes out the first Roman with a well-placed toss of his crown of thorns and the Roman's head goes flying as Jesus flying kicks into the throng, kicking and punching and blasting holes in the Roman's with the nails still embedded in his hand and feet! The bloody, gory scene lasts for about twenty minutes until Jesus is standing on a pile of dead Romans and the Jews surrounding him are cheering and chanting, "King of the Jews! King of the Jews!" The credits begin to roll and the scene fades out until all the actors' names have passed by. Then Jesus reappears standing above a crowd with a giant cross in one hand as he screams, "Today, we march on Rome!" Then the scene fades out again and stark white writing appears that says, "The Greatest Story Ever Told II: Baptism of Blood."

I'd like to thank Doom Bunny for co-writing the Modern Bible Story bits!

Secret Origins #4

Three Robin origins across four issues? I want my money back! I want all the money back!

I just watched the trailer for the next Mad Max movie and I ruined my underwear. Then I put on a clean pair of underwear and ruined those too. Now I'm sitting in a pile of ruined underwear and I still can't stop thinking about another Mad Max movie! After watching the trailer, I realize it might be upsetting to have a Mad Max film that uses CGI but you know what? I just don't fucking care. I have already shot that fact in the head and buried it in the backyard inside a tiny little shoebox. Why do I have a tiny little shoebox? Holy shit! The baby!

Okay, now that I've buried two separate things in my backyard, it's time to repress most of this afternoon (but not the Mad Max trailer!) and read me some secret origins!

Harley Quinn
Let's see if I can remember Harley's secret origin. This New York speaking sexy clown in pajamas appeared on a Batman cartoon and everybody lost their shit forever over her. So someone at DC commanded, "Put her in every comic ever made because I love fucking money!" And that's how Harley Quinn was born!

I'm not sure about the New York accent. Maybe she has a Jersey accent? Whatever it is, I can't not hear it when I read any of her speech bubbles. Sometimes I forget she has it and then she'll refer to The Joker as "Mistah J" and there it is all over again, lolling around in my brain pan, stretching out its feet and legs and knocking over every other thought. Hopefully this secret origin story will also clear up where exactly her accent comes from! The secret origin of Harley Quinn's accent!

It's a Brooklyn accent! Um, I knew that! What I don't know is why she's talking into a robot's penis.

Riddle me this, Batfriends!

What's the sound a robot makes when it's coming?
01001111011010000010000001000001011100110110100101101101011011110111011000100001

Most robots can't orgasm because once they discover masturbation, they get caught in an infinite loop and they're totally useless from then on out.

Okay, so this secret origin tale is already off to a great start! I've learned the secret origin of Harley's accent and next I learn the secret origin of Harley's love of proactive psychopaths!

This is the most romantic moment so far in the entire New 52. Who knew I wanted more romance?! Sure, there were some sweet and tender moments in Firestorm, like when Jason and Ronnie married each other in the Zero Issue. But not many others!

Already this Harley Quinn origin has made this issue worth it! It's a treasure trove of facts that may or may not be actual facts, seeing that Harley Quinn is a looney tunes with a penchant for stretching the truth. And I know looney tunes with truth stretching penchants! I see one any time I accidentally glance sidelong into a mirror!

The next super secret origin that gets told is one I really wasn't expecting: the origin of Bernie, Harley Quinn's beaver!

Why is beaver slang for a vagina? Do vaginas have buck teeth and flappy tails? No wait! I know the answer to that because I've seen so many of them in my life you would never believe me if I told you how many! They, um, don't?

My friend Bob's mom used to refer to vaginas as "crickets." I guess she believed they brought good luck.

Harley gets a job blowing the warden at Arkham Asylum which allows her to conduct an experiment on the deranged patients. She would dye her hair and pretend she was a prisoner thus making them, um, think she was a prisoner. It was a radical study and proved that people could dye their hair and pretend to be inmates of a sanitarium. But it didn't convince all of the patients! The Joker knew Harley was a doctor and singled her out. He might have realized she was a doctor when she went up to him and said, "Hey Mistah J! I'm totally a prisoner and stuff. That's kinda whack, hunh?" The Joker, being smarter than most of the other patients, remembered that his doctor talked like that! And she looked like this person if this person only had blonde hair and a white coat! The Joker ain't not Killer Croc! You can't get a fast one past him!

This page might be the origin of the Narration Box. It's hard to tell since I didn't read most of it. I ain't tryin' ta read no actual book!

After her white skin's secret origin, The Joker dumps her and she spends some time screaming in the rain while Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti walk by, obviously in love with each other. After that's over, she becomes her own woman, strong and independent! Except for that one slip up with Deadshot when she called her vagina a clown car. That was awkward.

Harley Quinn Secret Origin Rating: +3 Ranking. Best origin story so far! Maybe it's only the best because she's so fucking adorable as she tells it. And she has a sense of humor! It doesn't matter that the punchline of most of her jokes revolve around corpses. I can forgive most of her murders because she's one of the few upbeat and perky characters in the New 52! Although Power Girl and The Huntress over in Worlds' Finest had a lot of enjoyable moments, like that time Power Girl touched The Huntress's ice cream with her poo fingers. Those girls!

Green Arrow
I pretty much nailed the Harley Quinn secret origin, so let's see how much I remember of Green Arrow's origin. He was a mama's boy rich kid bullshitter who needed to be taught a lesson by daddy. So daddy built an island and then he arranged for his son to fall off the deck of an oil rig while partying and wash up on the island where he'd suffer through many trials and tribulations learning how to be the man his father wanted him to be as opposed to the individual which Oliver actually grew into. Somewhere along the way, Oliver learned how to shoot an arrow really well. Then he got into a fight with Aquaman over a game of Karate Champ and they never spoke again.

Here's a spot of wisdom from one of my dopey friends growing up: "Bailing only leads to the big payoff!" -- Larry Trantham. I always felt unbroken bones were better than payoffs, so I never earned one. Although that never stopped me from bailing constantly! I think Larry's wisdom was bullshit!

That year on the way to camp, Ollie's limo crashed into an island where a tribe of BMXers lived. And the only way to earn food was to jump a series of complicated jumps on a dirt bike. By the end of the summer, Ollie had learned to ride a bike so well that he jumped off the island and onto a passing ferry where his father was waiting for him with a prostitute. Ollie spent the entire ride home bunny hopping her because he didn't know what to do with his ding dong in relation to her cup cake.

Realizing that his kid needed extra help to not quit every thing he ever tried, Dad Queen immediately set about building an island based on Road Warrior where Ollie would learn to drive.

Eventually Oliver learned to stop quitting things because he was sick of being stranded on islands every summer. But he still had one last island to be stranded on! The big island with all the secrets and his father in a mask trying to prove to his son that he can be a proper heir. Wouldn't business school have been easier?

So are we all in agreement that his Ann Nocenti days were a series of hallucinations brought on by bad sushi, and that Oliver Queen never actually went bankrupt? Yeah? Okay, great!

Green Arrow Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't think this secret origin had anything in it that wasn't in any of his previous regular New 52 issues save for the part where his dad tells him to never stop fighting. I guess it's nice that his dad had one conversation with Ollie and that it was something worth remembering. What if the only conversation he'd had with him had been, "Don't piss on the floor, asshole." I suppose, with that advice, he'd still grow up to be a deadeye.

Robin (Damian Wayne Version)
I don't know anything about Damian Wayne's origin. Talia drugged Batman so that he'd foolishly have unprotected sex and come inside the test tube she had stuffed inside her vagina. Then she used Batman's semen to fertilize one of her eggs, grew Damian in a glass bubble, and raised him until about the age of nine when he started getting mouthy. That's when she decided he should spend some time with his father. Right about when he was getting accustomed to life with Bruce, Bruce got himself killed (presumably not by Darkseid in The New 52 because I think the only real encounter New Earth has had with Darkseid was in the first Justice League story arc). Then Damian palled around with Dick and learned that fighting crime could be fun, so when Bruce reappeared and tried to be a dad again, Damian was pissed. Somehow that eventually led to Alfred forgetting to suggest a rope which allowed Damian to go off and get himself killed. I might have glossed over a few key points but fuck it. You all know the story better than I do! Probably. If you don't, my synopsis is damn well good enough!

What's with always hanging criminals from lampposts? Didn't Spider-man invent that?

Did Damian never actually play the part of Robin until he teamed up with Nightwing? I have some serious missed reading to catch up on! Why were interesting Batman comic books being written during my Long Hiatus?

Alfred catches up Nightwing on Damian's history while making it known at every possible opportunity that he thinks the kid is a righteous little shit. Calling in a big brother figure was probably the best move he could have made even if he didn't consider the move to be anything more than finding somebody else to deal with the bastard.

Nightwing delivers a note from Bruce stating that Damian has earned the honor of wearing the Robin suit. Which I guess means that Nightwing automatically gets to wear the Batman suit.

It was all Alfred's plan so he can enjoy the evenings in peace and quiet. Let fucking Dick deal with the little fuckface.

Damian Wayne Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking I appreciate that, after Batman died, Alfred's main goal with Damian was to get him under control somehow, and that it was Alfred's idea to stick Damian in the Robin guise while training under Nightwing. I haven't read any of the Preboot stories with Dick as Batman and Damian as Robin but it just seems like such a great pairing, especially to help teach Damian to act human. Dick is the kind of guy that doesn't have anything to prove, so Damian's rebellions and taunts simply amuse Dick. I really need to pick up those old issues because I think I'd love Dick as Batman. I can't even imagine a well-balanced, fairly happy Batman that treats the cowl as a job as opposed to an obsession. Back in the eighties and nineties, I could barely stand Dick Grayson. But since I've been back to reading comic books with The New 52, he's quite possibly my favorite character. And I like him extra special when Peter J. Tomasi is writing him.

Batman #33

This is less like a finale and more like a fine ale. Or something.

This is the end! The end of our story! This is the end! The high-priced extra dollar end of our story!

This final issue comes down to a personal battle of wits between Batman and The Riddler. Batman must answer twelve riddles where the answers will be things like "Scorpion!" and "A goat!" and "Green Arrow!" If he answers them all correctly before Gotham is blown to bat-pieces, he'll get to punch The Riddler in the face. But I think Gotham will still be blown to pieces. So the only difference in answering the riddles is the satisfaction of breaking The Riddler's eye sockets. Gotham City must rely on the police commissioner and an inventor and a handful of black ops military men to save it now. But when has that ever been enough? I tell you when! Never, that's when! Gotham needs the Batman!

This paragraph is in invisible ink that can't be read by Batmen because I didn't want to hurt his feelings but here's the truth: Gotham City doesn't really need Batman at all! What it really needs is a good bombing! Barring a good bombing, it could probably make due with an aquatic super hero who's also a writer. He could write scathing articles about the corruption on the police force while stopping all the illegal weapons and drugs from entering Gotham through the harbor. Of course, being a water super hero, he'd have to make sure the Gotham airport was shut down and the train tunnels filled in. And I say "he" because I really mean Grunion Guy! Give a guy a chance, okay, DC Comics?

Anyway, on to the most important part of this issue, the Game of Riddles!

The answer to The Riddler's first riddle is "louse." I could be The Jeezly Crow Batman!

That one was easy! House without the "H," lies without the "ies," stitched together to become "louse." I haven't read Batman's explanation yet but I did see he said louse on the next page. After coming up with it myself, of course! I am a Master Comic Book Reader, after all! Okay, so that doesn't translate to Master Riddle Answerer but it's close enough. I solved the DC Challenge after the first issue! Although none of the other writers solved it so it didn't resolve the way it should have and my solution became null and void since the other writers of the series were idiots!

Also, I probably only solved this riddle because it was wordplay. If I am The Batman and The Riddler asks a riddle that forces me to think around a corner, Gotham is dead.

I see Batman discovered the riddle had more clues pointing to the answer plus Eddie dropped a further hint before even asking the Riddle. So many clues to come up with one answer? The Riddler must be calibrating The Batman's ability with the first question.

How am I supposed to play along at home if Batman keeps interrupting?! Jerko!

Batman must have trained under a Grandmaster Riddler Asker on his travels around the world to become the best at everything because I certainly wouldn't have jumped to the "bee" conclusion so soon! I was leaning toward a baseball game! But that's because I can only answer riddles generally asked by third graders. Here's a horrendous riddle I heard in fifth grade that I remember because I didn't fucking get it: "Why can't The Go-Go's get pregnant? Because their lips are sealed." I just thought that it meant they couldn't get married because they couldn't say "I do" or answer "yes" to a proposal which meant they could never get pregnant because that kind of thing doesn't happen out of wedlock! I bet the kid that asked me the riddle didn't actually understand it either. I also didn't know what boner was slang for, so there were some other jokes I didn't understand.

The Go-Gos?

Does the answer to this riddle have something to do with the incorrect way he phrased it? "My greatest of my strengths"? Is that a hint? Shouldn't he give more hints?! His first riddle had a dozen clues! This one has two lines? The only thing that knows its own worth is the brain. But how does it hug itself tightly at every birth? Because it's squished coming out of the birth canal? Maybe the answer is a kitten! Kittens surely know their own worth! And they're always getting hugs! Practically all the time!

See?! That's a clue, right? It's kittens!

Unless the clue part of that statement is the tongue part! Maybe the answer is a French kiss! Or a scream! Or a philosophical statement denoting the pain and ecstasy of sentient life?

I guess that's the end of the riddle game!

Like Alexander the Great and WOPR, Batman realizes the only way to win the game is to not play it at all. It looks like Lucius figured out a way to jam The Riddler's robot bodyguards leaving Batman free to break some bones. "Riddle me this, Riddler? How many broken bones can a human have while still remaining alive? Let's find out the answer together! ONE! TWO! CRUNCH!"

Meanwhile Jim Gordon grabs a reflective surface, paints a bat on it, and then uses it to try to blind the fighter pilots so they crash before releasing their bombs. The pilots aren't blinded but they do notice the bat painted on it and decide to stand by for new orders while the officers back at the base try to figure out what it could mean.

Once The Riddler has been curbstomped by Batman, Batman has to reboot the city by sticking some doohickey on his chest and sucking down 1000 volts of voltage. At the same time, he's having a memory of going through electroshock therapy. Is that something that was touched upon earlier in the story that I've forgotten? Are we about to learn that Batman's entire existence was just a sanitarium dream, like in that episode of Buffy or, years previous to that, the issue of Doom Patrol where Crazy Jane is stuck in an asylum hallucinating the Doom Patrol and the Kingdom of Chairs? Is DC Comics going to retire Batman completely here and show that he's always just been a nobody inmate in Arkham Asylum?! Will DC destroy its cash cow for the sake of one story?!

I think I should probably just keep reading to find out why Bruce decided to go through electroshock therapy!

But first, Alfred needs to save his life.

I'm glad Alfred was smart enough to know that you don't start a stopped heart with the defibrillators that Batman used to stop his heart! You restart a heart with CPR! I mean, of course Alfred knows that! What kind of a genius battlefield surgeon would he be if he relied on television medicine?

Oh, and Gotham never gets bombed. Even though Bruce could have made a shit-ton of money helping to rebuild! That's an opportunity squandered. Anyway, everybody gets around to rebuilding after Bruce Wayne says some really inspiring things and hires Lucius Fox to help run Wayne Enterprises and makes friends with the new Commissioner. Gotham is about to go through a renaissance and not be plagued by horrible madmen at all! And all it took was one small death wish and a whole lot of elbow grease!

I hope the electro-booted Bruce and his fake Alfred exist on one of the other Earths.

Lastly there's a bit about Alfred's dreams being crushed under the heavy heel of The Batman, and thus begins, well, you know.

Batman #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue is the perfect issue to jump on board if you don't know anything about The Jeezly Crow Batman! What's that? What about the "finale" right there on the cover? You're afraid you won't understand it and you'll need to read the previous five hundred issues of Zero Year? No! Don't worry about that. All you need to know is right here in this issue! Everything from Bruce's realization that he needs to realize stuff to Alfred's codependent beginnings to Jim Gordon's coat's origin to Lucius Fox's raise to the importance of the Batcave's giant penny to even more declarative statements separated by the preposition "to." It's a cavalcade of cavalcadian proportions! Although the one thing that won't be explained is the cover. When did Batman go roaming about the city with a pride of lions?! Maybe the cover is simply a memorial for the lions who died earlier in the series. Or maybe it's a riddle!