Deathstork #11

Just based on this cover, I know this Creeper is five bershillion times better than Nocenti's Creeper.

There's this thing people do where they tell other people words that they're not allowed to say. Sometimes the person is shouted down for being gross and problematic while other times the person reacts appropriately (determined by the angry people) and is let off with a warning and some side-eye (but they're never really in the clear ever again). Mostly it's a ritual to make a person feel like they're actively participating in making the world a better place. But the real truth of the matter is that people will always call other people derogatory names. Not because they don't know that they shouldn't but because they hate the other people and don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks. This is why there's such a thing as the euphemism treadmill. That's a phrase coined by Stephen Pinker to describe how a perfectly neutral word for something eventually comes to be used to describe people in a derogatory manner. Subsequently, the previously neutral term must be updated to shed the now negative connotation associated with the word. Obviously the new phrase will eventually be picked up by assholes and used in a derogatory manner. This causes people to think up a new neutral phrase and so on. An easy example of this is in the use of the word retard. Even if that word is completely retired, it's only a matter of time before the phrase "intellectually disabled" becomes more hurtful than simply descriptive. I'm not saying it isn't right to try to avoid being a dick or that using language can't be hurtful and knowingly used to harm! My narrative voice certainly makes it seem like I'm against changing our vocabulary but I was just being snarky to poke fun at the people who really fucking make a career of it. Anyhow, this is just the preface for something else I'd like to discuss. I will be using the term nigger in the next few paragraphs because it's essential to my point and not because I couldn't wait to find an excuse to say it. My point is that there is something going on in conservative media which needs to be called out for what it is.

People who know they shouldn't use offensive terms but still use them will never stop using those offensive terms just because other people tell them to stop. They will stop for one reason only: because the use of the word actually results in negative consequences. Here is a quote by Lee Atwater from the dog-whistle politics entry on Wikipedia:

You start out in 1954 by saying, "Nigger, nigger, nigger." By 1968, you can't say "nigger" — that hurts you. Backfires. So you say stuff like forced busing, states' rights and all that stuff. You're getting so abstract now [that] you're talking about cutting taxes, and all these things you're talking about are totally economic things and a byproduct of them is [that] blacks get hurt worse than whites. And subconsciously maybe that is part of it. I'm not saying that. But I'm saying that if it is getting that abstract, and that coded, that we are doing away with the racial problem one way or the other. You follow me — because obviously sitting around saying, "We want to cut this," is much more abstract than even the busing thing, and a hell of a lot more abstract than "Nigger, nigger."

Atwater readily admits that the change of behavior (a change you still see as the basic building blocks of the GOP) is due only because the language has become so unacceptable by the populace that the person saying it loses support. But like the euphemism treadmill, changing the language doesn't change the message or the asshole nature of the person using the abusive language. Those people will try to hide in plain sight but they can never actually succeed completely. They need a way to vent their hatred and anger. Which finally brings me to the word that, in today's climate, identifies the racist: thug.

If you don't know who David Duke is, bless your ignorance.

Thug is thrown around constantly these days with a wink and smile. It's the currently acceptable way of saying nigger and people using it need to be called on it. As an added bonus of winks and smiles and elbow nudges, you'll note that racist David Duke expects readers to understand that "decent Americans" means white people. This is the current narrative being seen on channels like Fox News and dining rooms across the country. To some of you, this is the most obvious thing in the world and you've probably been angrily rolling your eyes at the word for years now. But I wanted to talk it through a bit because I know, from my own family's posts on Facebook, that there are way too many people who find it way too easy to call Black Lives Matters protesters "thugs" while never seeming to use that word in any other context ever (except maybe if they're reading an old Batman comic book).

Call it out when you here it. Point it out to your family. Don't let the racists get away with normalizing this word.

Dammit, DC! Maybe get a new model for your Thug Heroclix!

The Review!
This issue begins like this:

Dammit, Deathstork! I don't have the energy to rant about guns now!

When I say "rant about guns," of course I mean it as much as when I say I want to "rant about dogs." It's not really the guns or the dogs I wind up ranting about. It's the gun and dog owners who are always the huge idiots that need a verbal wedgie. Although this first page ties in a bit with my thug rant (and not in the way you think if you're thinking what I think you're thinking, you racist piece of rat excrement). Smoking bans have happened because of consequences, both monetary and electorally. The only way a politician will change their views on a subject is if they face consequences for being on the wrong side of it. Right now, a lot of politicians are on the wrong side of gun control. But thanks to gerrymandering, the ability to self-delude, and a strong NRA lobby, they can't see it and have yet to face any career consequences. Until politicians begin losing their jobs because they don't give a shit about gun violence, they will continue to do nothing about it. Hell, they'll continue to do less than nothing! Fucking idiots just blocked a measure that would prevent schizophrenics and other mentally ill people on social security from purchasing a gun. That isn't just unsafe for the public, it's unsafe for schizophrenics themselves! You don't want somebody with schizophrenia to have a gun on hand when the voices begin telling them it's time to die.

The police at the scene of the shooting come up with a typical cop description of the crime. Two black men stop to rape a white woman in a broken down car at one in the morning. She shoots at them and hits a kid going by on his bike. But Jack Ryder, Creeper Extraordinaire, describes what really happened. The two black men are mechanics who stopped to help a woman in distress. Woman panics because, well, two black men! She shoots off a gun with no training and kills the kid coming up to sell her the drugs she was parked in this neighborhood to buy.

That's a lot of social commentary packed into a three page scene. The bottom line is that it's rumored Deathstork is in town to murder a bunch of murderers. The Creeper just wants to get to the bottom of it before Lois Lane does.

Oh, and for people who actually read this comic and my review who are thinking, "That black cop written by the black writer and drawn by the black artist just called those black men thugs!"? Of course he did. The guy's a fucking cop, fer chrissakes. Edit: Later a priest uses the term but this time, it's in quotes. Get it?

According to Jack Ryder, gang members responsible for child deaths have been turning up dead. But not one of them has been shot. The Creeper thinks Deathstork (I miss the nickname Douchéstork) is sending an anti-gun message. Also an anti-smoking message because not one used butt has been found at any of the crime scenes. Also an anti-rape message because nobody has been raped. Also an anti-Batman message because somebody has been scrawling "Batman is a dick!" on the wall nearby each death.

The mothers of these dead children did indeed hire Deathstork. They want the people responsible for killing their kids to pay. Jack Ryder swoops in with his trench coat and his notepad and his Pulitzer dreams and begins discussing issues of race with them. The mothers are all "Dafuq?" One white man is helping solve their problems. Another white man is all, "Is this really appropriate?" (Said in that voice that black comedians do when they're imitating a white person! You know, basically Steve Urkel.)

Okay. Maybe the Batman is a dick thing was a lie. He's writing DS.

Jack Ryder is aghast at these mothers perpetuating a cycle of violence. But the detective explains it to him logically: "Guns don't kill people. Deathstork kills people."

Is there a test to find out how old you are "on the inside" by how many times the name "Deathstork" makes you giggle? I must be nine months old.

Most of this is Jack Ryder working the clues and following leads and asking witnesses. It could end up being an M. Night Shyamalan shocker: The Creeper is responsible! Maybe the "DS" is actually an emoji of The Creeper's horrified face.

Jack Ryder's story leads him to a different story and a different reason for Deathstork being in Chicago. It also leads him to getting shot so now he's going to have to get all Creeperfied before he dies. Then maybe he'll come clean as to what this is actually all about.

It turns out Jack Ryder is actually a pretty good investigative journalist! He saw all the clues that I didn't. Like how did a bunch of mothers get enough money to hire Deathstork? Answer: they didn't! They hired a knock-off version who felt he was doing the right thing. Douchéstork manages to stop by to kill the guy impersonating him due to "brand dilution." Before leaving, Deathstork offers Jack Ryder his solution to the gun violence in Chicago, and it's pretty fucking cynical. I mean, I thought I was cynical but Priest's Deathstork easily has me beat.

See, the problem was innocent victims being gunned down and if...why am I explaining the punchline?!

The Ranking!
+1! Priest tells a good fucking story. Also, I just want to point out that I wrote the rant on the word "thug" before I even knew what this issue was about. It's my super power! To discuss things appropriate to the comic book I'm about to read!

Bizarro #1

Ha ha! The one is backwards!

This comic book is rated "E" for everyone. Is that a Bizarro rating? Does that mean it's actually not for anybody? I'm disappointed in the rating. I was hoping that Jimmy Olsen was going to introduce Bizarro to the concept of Lot Lizards during their road trips. I guess instead they're just going to have easily palatable adventures on the road. Maybe they'll play license plate Bingo and stop at Sonic for shakes. Then Bizarro will give Jimmy a handie as Jimmy drives which means Bizarro won't give Jimmy a handie because get it? He does the opposite!

I wonder how many reviews of this comic book resorted to talking like Bizarro throughout the review? I'd respect those reviews more than the ones that probably spent the first two or three sentences speaking like Bizarro before calling attention to how confusing it is before going back to their regular, insufferable, boring ass reviews where they say things like, "The art really set the tone in that special way that art sets the tone for the tone of the comic book's tone. And also this sentence says something good about the colorist that I've probably said five bajillion times because how many ways can you say, 'This comic book had colors that were colorful'?"

The issue begins two hours into Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen's road trip. If you haven't read the Sneak Peek, you might be wondering, "Why are Bizarro and Jimmy Olsen on a road trip?" Well, let me fill you in on that! Jimmy likes money and he thinks he can make money by taking Bizarro on a road trip and photographing him in compromising situations.

Jimmy Olsen thinks he can get more than money but since that reward is harder to explain to the younger part of "E is for Everyone," we'll just keep pretending he's only in it for the money. So he can afford prostitutes!

A couple of people are following Jimmy and Bizarro at a discrete distance because Bizarro could be dangerous. They probably work for ARGUS. Or the Daily Planet.

So, two hours out of Metropolis and Bizarro decides to pull out his cock which he calls Colin the Chupacabra. Things don't go well for Jimmy.

Don't worry! The younger Everyones won't understand why Jimmy Olsen is choking to death.

Bizarro's pet Chupacabra looks a lot like a real Chupacabra! I've got a figure of one in my office next to my crystal skull and my Red King. It's not the same color but that's easily explained! My figure is of an actual, historically accurate Chupacabra and Bizarro's Chupacabra is just a raccoon with severe mange.

Bizarro tells the origin story of Colin the Chupacabra. It has a really nice panel that I would use for my banner if Colin's cry had just happened to be "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!" instead of "Shooo-kah!"

Actually, Bonobos are highly sexed so that manholes and bonobos statement is a fuck joke. E for Everyone my not-as-tight-as-it-used-to-be ass!

Jimmy crashes his car into a tree because he had Bizarro's cock lodged in his throat. That means Bizarro is going to have to carry Jimmy's car to Canada. Or maybe just to a garage in Smallville which must be two hours outside Metropolis. Or maybe it's Bizarro Two Hours outside Metropolis! That makes more sense. I think.

This issue is called "Bizarro America: Part 6" because six is the opposite of one.

At a diner, Jimmy Olsen gets wind of a used car lot run by King Tut! Oh no! That's just like the name of that super villain in Batman '66 that I always found super boring so I usually changed the channel when he was in an episode even if that meant I might miss Lost in Space after Batman was over.

King Tut has a daughter who is drawn very sexily for an E is for Everyone cartoon character. She has two boobs and a crotch which seems a bit much for the younger readers. Plus she has a Queen Tut costume that I can't wait to see her wearing because it would really bring out her intelligence and give her a sense of agency!

Jimmy takes his car to be fixed by King Tut but he might get more than he bargained for!

Like seeing girl penis!

King Tut's daughter Regina is too sexy to be flirting with Jimmy Olsen. She must be trying to set him up so that her father can knock him down and Jimmy will end up with a beautiful car and thousands of dollars in debt. Also the car will probably be a lemon.

While Jimmy and Bizarro take photos for Jimmy's future coffee table book, Regina quits the car lot so she can follow her dream of making artisanal chocolate. That's super sexy, right? Her father doesn't seem to care because he's praying to Egyptian Gods. He makes contact with them and receives the Staff of Ra. Except he doesn't realize the Gods were just aliens fucking around with him as they search for their pal, Ch'ck the Chupacabra.

I think I like Regina better in her street clothes.

Jimmy's car won't be fixed until the next day so he and Bizarro head to a motel for the night. It only has one vacancy left so they share a bed. Bizarro dreams of happy people loving him and viewing him as a hero. He's surrounded by unicorns and rainbows and kittens. Bizarro is a truly happy creature. Jimmy doesn't dream of anything because he's ensorcelled and sleep walks over to King Tut's Slightly Used Car Oasis to purchase a car along with every other citizen in Smallville. It's up to Bizarro to save the day and keep everybody from driving away happily in a nearly brand new car of their literal dreams! Get it? Literal because they're all still sleeping!

Bizarro #1 Rating: 7.5 Non-Backwards Stars out of Ten. This is no Vertigo title but it's pretty much what it sold itself to be in the Sneak Peek. It's silly and cartoony and a bit of comic book fun. Plus it had a Chupacabra and Aliens in it. But it wasn't "ha ha ha I'm busting my nuts" funny so it only gets a slightly above average score for keeping me entertained for an hour or so. I imagine it's the kind of comic book that can be read in three minutes though and then it would seem like an awful lot of money for such a minor distraction! If that's the case, I recommend you read it three or four more times. Also try to remember when you read it that the Twix Advertisement is not part of the story. I know it looks like it is but trust me! It is not!

Convergence: Detective Comics #2

Who doesn't give a shit about Convergence comics and has some thumbs?!

I think I might have to put the rest of the Convergence books on the back burner so that I can catch back up to the regular books which are the ones I want to read. I'll figure something out, I guess. Like maybe barely writing anything about the next seven Convergence titles so I can get back to a point where I have at least a little bit of interest in the comic books I'm reading. Convergence was a long drawn out boring way for DC Comics to retcon Crisis On Infinite Earths into not having happened. They could have just stapled a memo into one of the New 52 books saying, "You know that universe that we abandoned in September of 2011? Remember how you thought, 'Oh! The New 52 is a whole new universe which I don't like but at least I can continue to hope that the old universe that I love will eventually come back!'? Well, stop remembering that! Because your old universe is completely different now! We at DC Comics decided that Crisis on Infinite Earths ended differently! All of the worlds were saved and everything that happened after Issue #12 of Crisis never, ever happened ever in the history of everything ever! So if you're still hoping that universe comes back, HOO BOY are you in for a SUR-PRISE! It's totally different, dumb dumbs! Ha ha! In your face, idiots! This is what you get when you ignore the simple fact that the stories you've read which affected you intensely continue to matter no matter how much stupid bullshit a comic book company puts out about those stories not mattering in the slightest. Here's something else DC Comics figures we should tell you! Remember the eighteen years you spent with a mother and father who loved and adored you before they helped you off to college and into the real world?! They actually hated you! And they laughed at you constantly! And they used your little baby flesh in Satanic Rituals in the basement! And since DC Comics said it, that's the way it is! Enjoy Thanksgiving this year, idiots!"

Man! The spokesman for DC Comics is a rude jerk! I'm glad I'm not like him at all and am a super nice guy that writes wonderful stories that everybody loves to read (especially publishers! So if you're a publisher, send me a note about how you want to read all of my great stories and then publish them! Imagine how much money your company can make by publishing my terrific children's book line about "The Shark Who Saved The Holiday That Wasn't Specifically Christian Due To A Modern Secular Mindset Which Has Begun To Pervade This Once Great Country"? Or my Young Adult Triple Trilogy entitled, "Conform, You Artsy Fartsy Purple Haired Snowflake With Face Piercings And A Cool Looking Vape-Bong Who Is So Unique That You Can't Even!" Or what about my romance line of books, "Books That Do Your Husband's Job"? I'm also available to write the books based on the movies! Here's an excerpt from my novelization of Raiders of the Lost Ark: "Then this kind of South Americanish hybrid caricature says to Indiana Jones, "Throw me the idol! I throw you the whip!" And Harrison Ford is in a real bind and he looks like he's thinking, 'Well, I won't be rich but maybe I'll live if I give up the idol although this guy is a caricature of a Hispanic people which means he's probably sneaky and won't actually throw me the whip. But boy am I in a spot! I sure hope I live through this so I can become a pilot and settle down to live with a hot bag of bones in Colorado!'" That's good stuff, right publishers?!). Oh man! I just realized I'm 29 comics behind and I'm busy patting my laurels on the backside! I'm going to read the comic book now but don't forget to call me, publishers! Or send me a message or something! The name is Grunion Guy! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"!

You don't have to read the Narration Boxes. Just remember that on Earth-2, Capitalism kept everything fresh and juicy. But on Earth-Concrete-Blocks, Communism hurt everybody's feelings and made them all sad because they had dirty butts and no toilet paper.

Last issue, Helena Wayne thought blowing up a car on Superman would defeat him. Maybe she thought the extravagance of destroying a multi-million dollar vehicle would shock Communist Superman into a coma! Whatever she was attempting, it failed and she had to be saved by Communist Superman. That's the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a capitalist! You don't want some communist pulling you up by your own bootstraps! Just think what the other American urchins would think as they're struggling with their own bootstraps and then they see your bootstraps being fiddled with by a communist! They'd probably think, "Gor! Sumevody corl a poritishern! Wes has gots us a bloordy Red symfasizer!"

Hey Publishers! Did I mention how good I am at historical novels?! I've got a whole series on revolutions across history called, "Naked Ladies and Revolutions: A Look At History and Boobies! For Guys (and Lesbians) That Aren't All That Interested in History."

Communist Superman is all, "I just want to talk!" And Capitalist Huntress is all, "So you can turn us into Red Monsters! So you can steal away our dreams of becoming billionaire lottery winners?! I don't think so, Compadre!" And Capitalist Dick Grayson is all, "I think that would be 'Compadreski,' Huntress." And Capitalist Huntress is all, "Thanks for the Mansplanation, asshole!" And Communist Superman is all, "In communist Russia, mansplanations mansplain you!"

Before Capitalist Robin and Capitalist Huntress can be told a bunch of workable Communist lies that actually make sense in theory but seldom work out in practice (which is totally different somehow than Capitalist lies that actually make sense but seldom work out in practice), Communist Batman saves the day! Not that the day needed saving but you never can tell when some unsuspecting Capitalist is going to hear too much of the Communist side and become sympathetic to the Communist cause. It's better to not have Freedom of Speech then to have weak minded fools listening to things that they might actually find believable, interesting, and truthful.

Here's a truthful statement: people who don't believe in freedom of speech are dumb assholes.

This scene reminds me of the third in my Naked Ladies and Revolutions series: Farm Girls of the Ukraine And Russia's President's Day Revolution.

Communist Batman, a complete stranger to The Huntress, says, "I'm sure your dead father was proud of you." Huntress says, "Thank you." But that's only because she can't hear the Communist Sarcasm in his voice because what he really meant to say is, "Russian father of young girl who run around with boobs flip-flopping out of shirt would be complete opposite of proud!" But he'd only think that because he's Communist and in a Retro Golden Age Story. He doesn't know it's now wrong to judge women for their clothing. It's also stupid because who wants women to wear more clothing?! I guess gay guys and women who aren't as hot as the women wearing less clothing?

Communist Superman begins searching the city with his Supervision. But since Communist Batman lives in a lead lined house, Communist Superman can't find him. Communist Superman is also too stupid to think, "I can see the entire city except what's behind the walls of that house. But that's probably just a fluke."

Hey jerko! The fate of worlds hangs in the balance here! How about a little less vague and a lot more explicit!

Communist Superman catches up with The Huntress and Robin after Communist Batman disappears. Because Communist Batman didn't tell the kids to open the box and expose Communist Superman to the Kryptonite that is obviously in the box, they try to defeat Communist Superman with Batarangs and Crossbow Bolts. Spoiler: it doesn't work.

Worst Huntress ever written? That's a rhetorical question because it's obvious this is the worst Huntress ever written. Also, I don't want hundreds of responses from Tumblrites declaring that all New 52 Huntresses were the worst because they weren't Preboot Helena Bertinelli because I don't want to read nonsense. The New 52 Helena Wayne was a fantastic Huntress.

After Dick and Helena are nearly killed by Communist Superman (but aren't because he's merely trying to subdue them so that they can talk about this ridiculous Multiversal Thunderdome situation), Dick realizes it's time to open the box Communist Batman gave him. He probably should have known to open the box at the beginning of the fight. I'm surprised he even remembered the box after the severe concussion he just suffered having his head smashed into The Huntress's head. Although you know what would have been even better? If Communist Batman had said, "This rock I'm giving you will drain Superman of his powers so just open the box in his presence and you'll defeat him."

Dick opens the box and Superman writhes in pain and pleads for his life and only when he's about to die does Dick throw away the box and say, "You know what? Maybe we should talk this over with Communist Superman?" The Huntress freaks out because Robin threw away their chances of beating Communist Superman. Yeah, but he only threw yor chances about five feet behind him! Go pick up the stupid kryptonite if you need to win so badly, Helena!

Communist Superman and Robin shake hands and declare the duel a draw. Telos points out that the rules specifically state that working together and being kind to each other are flagrant violations and will be dealt with in a swift and meaningless manner. Then he leaves to participate in the end of the Convergence Weekly Series and completely forget all about his Multiversal Thunderdome project. I think Telos has ADD.

The issue ends with Huntress and Robin finding their way back to Earth-Two Gotham City. I guess it was stolen as well. I don't have a master list of all the cities that were taken by Brainiac but if I had to guess, I'd say that list contained every city ever written about in DC's history because why not?

Yeah! What was that about, Helena?! It must have been part of the plot though and not horrible writing on Len's part because why else would Len have you mention that Len wrote you so horribly?!

Convergence: Detective Comics #2 Rating: 4 Helena Bertinellis out of Ten. This was pretty much a crap story that should have been resolved with a bunch of talking just a few pages into the first issue. But Helena wasn't acting in character so the characters had to engage in a lot of useless fighting. I guess she was just so scared of the Red Menace that she couldn't help reacting the way she did. Totally understandable! Those Communists are monsters!

Divergence: The Flash
"Professor Zoom is back, and he's not alone! Who's along for the ride to kill the Fastest Man Alive?"

Fuck you, Professor Zoom! Enough with the ridiculous time travel bullshit, Van Jensen. And stop working with Brett Booth! I'm terrified of people whose legs are longer than they should be.

Professor Zoom has a whole gang of misfits at his side in his hunt to kill The Flash. Yay. More comic books where the hero isn't doing heroic stuff but reacting to villains trying to kill him. I'm not going to run out and pick up this book! Ha ha! One Speed Force Point to me!

Convergence: Detective Comics #1

Thanks for the black covers, DC! This week's Convergence Variant covers are going to be smeared with my fingerprints by the time I'm done reading them.

This week's comic books take place in Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis. In other words, they're going to be Golden Age stories! Hooray! I hope we get panels that show Robin grappling with an anaconda while Robin screams, "I'm grappling with an anaconda!" and then has a thought bubble that says, "Holy serpents! I'm grappling with an anaconda!" while the narrator says, "Robin grapples with the mighty monster of the rain forest river: the anaconda!"

The cities that Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis are up against are whatever city represents the Qward Anti-matter Universe, Jonah Hex's futuristic Atlanta, Georgia, and Red Son's Moscow. Sorry, Golden Age, but I have to root for Hex! I'm sure the entire week won't be exclusively Earth-Two Metropolis though. Surely The Freedom Fighters will take place in a different city, as well as Shazam and Blue Beetle (probably of the Dan Garrett variety).

The first page introduction sounds pretty close to a Golden Age comic book. Lots of narration to set the mood with over-the-top similes and lots of dramatic turns of phrase. And on the final panel of the page, a thought bubble! I truly hope they all retain this Golden Age tone.

The story is called "Powers and Responsibilities...". Since it stars the Superman of Red Son, it's probably going to be a story about capitalism versus communism. We know how a Golden Age story like that would end! Red Son Superman would step one foot into Metropolis, renounce communism, and begin fighting for truth, justice, and Visa! I hope this story ends that way too because America rules (with an inherently racist foreign policy built on the back of a constant military threat by deploying its armies all across the world and constantly reminding everybody that America is unarguably good and just and would never allow its own best interests to come into play while policing the entire world)!

Four months into Moscow coming under the dome, Superman continues to make public appearances to reassure the public that their great national hero still has things under control. Even though now he's riding in a limousine instead of flying over the streets.

Propaganda?! Why is Communist Superman so cynical?! It sounds like a capitalist is putting words in his mouth!

Meanwhile in Metropolis, Huntress and Robin discuss fashion and always having enough money to do anything they want. They've been hanging out with the JSA keeping Metropolis safe. Batman is dead for some reason. I don't remember when or how Earth-2 Batman died. Who's Who merely says "he laid down his life to save Gotham from a super-powered criminal" because Who's Who is a lazy fuck.

In Metropolis, Toyman can still find the resources to create a monstrous Nutcracker with which to ravage the city. In Moscow, everybody is starving.

What the hell, Telos? I thought you were supposed to supply the people with all the food, electricity, and water they need? But not toilet paper. I get why they're out of toilet paper.

When the dome comes down, Dick Grayson and Helena Wayne are teleported to Moscow to battle Superman. Dick says the "we aren't in Kansas anymore" line. I probably should have been keeping a tally for how many times that line was used. Maybe it was only twice, here and in The Adventures of Superman #1. And I only remember that because it was practically the last comic I read.

I think the final couple of pages are going to depict Dick Grayson and Helena Wayne being smashed into capitalist jelly.

Superman asks the duo to step out of the Batmobile and Helena answers by shooting a couple of missiles into his face. Oh boy! I bet he's seeing red! Ha ha!

He's actually more calm than capitalist Superman! What an example! I'm going to become a communist now!

Dick exits the Batmobile and enters a rational conversation with Superman. But Helena, being a loyal comic book character who knows how heroic characters are supposed to act when they meet other strange heroic characters, takes off in the Batmobile so she can take a moment to figure out how to defeat Superman. But he just flies after her and picks up the car in order to bring her back to Robin so they can discuss the matter. But Helena decides to hit the self-destruct button on the car because I guess she'd rather die than participate in peaceful negotiations with a communist?

Convergence: Detective Comics #1 Rating: So fucking stupid. Most of the comic book was boring, so I think Len Wein wanted to end it in a not boring fashion. It's too bad he decided to end it in a stupid fashion. I'm sure Superman saved Helena's life which will make her realize that maybe he isn't a bad guy and that there might be a possibility to save both of their cities by working with him. But that still won't justify how fucking paranoid and violent she's acting. Maybe she's acting in character? What do I know about the Earth-2 Huntress? Her Who's Who entry doesn't mention her temperament being an issue. Although her history does end with possibly the best last line of any of the histories I've read so far in the Who's Who: "Coincidentally, Gotham D.A. Harry Sims was her lover." What a coincidence! And informative too!

Secret Origins #4

Three Robin origins across four issues? I want my money back! I want all the money back!

I just watched the trailer for the next Mad Max movie and I ruined my underwear. Then I put on a clean pair of underwear and ruined those too. Now I'm sitting in a pile of ruined underwear and I still can't stop thinking about another Mad Max movie! After watching the trailer, I realize it might be upsetting to have a Mad Max film that uses CGI but you know what? I just don't fucking care. I have already shot that fact in the head and buried it in the backyard inside a tiny little shoebox. Why do I have a tiny little shoebox? Holy shit! The baby!

Okay, now that I've buried two separate things in my backyard, it's time to repress most of this afternoon (but not the Mad Max trailer!) and read me some secret origins!

Harley Quinn
Let's see if I can remember Harley's secret origin. This New York speaking sexy clown in pajamas appeared on a Batman cartoon and everybody lost their shit forever over her. So someone at DC commanded, "Put her in every comic ever made because I love fucking money!" And that's how Harley Quinn was born!

I'm not sure about the New York accent. Maybe she has a Jersey accent? Whatever it is, I can't not hear it when I read any of her speech bubbles. Sometimes I forget she has it and then she'll refer to The Joker as "Mistah J" and there it is all over again, lolling around in my brain pan, stretching out its feet and legs and knocking over every other thought. Hopefully this secret origin story will also clear up where exactly her accent comes from! The secret origin of Harley Quinn's accent!

It's a Brooklyn accent! Um, I knew that! What I don't know is why she's talking into a robot's penis.

Riddle me this, Batfriends!

What's the sound a robot makes when it's coming?
01001111011010000010000001000001011100110110100101101101011011110111011000100001

Most robots can't orgasm because once they discover masturbation, they get caught in an infinite loop and they're totally useless from then on out.

Okay, so this secret origin tale is already off to a great start! I've learned the secret origin of Harley's accent and next I learn the secret origin of Harley's love of proactive psychopaths!

This is the most romantic moment so far in the entire New 52. Who knew I wanted more romance?! Sure, there were some sweet and tender moments in Firestorm, like when Jason and Ronnie married each other in the Zero Issue. But not many others!

Already this Harley Quinn origin has made this issue worth it! It's a treasure trove of facts that may or may not be actual facts, seeing that Harley Quinn is a looney tunes with a penchant for stretching the truth. And I know looney tunes with truth stretching penchants! I see one any time I accidentally glance sidelong into a mirror!

The next super secret origin that gets told is one I really wasn't expecting: the origin of Bernie, Harley Quinn's beaver!

Why is beaver slang for a vagina? Do vaginas have buck teeth and flappy tails? No wait! I know the answer to that because I've seen so many of them in my life you would never believe me if I told you how many! They, um, don't?

My friend Bob's mom used to refer to vaginas as "crickets." I guess she believed they brought good luck.

Harley gets a job blowing the warden at Arkham Asylum which allows her to conduct an experiment on the deranged patients. She would dye her hair and pretend she was a prisoner thus making them, um, think she was a prisoner. It was a radical study and proved that people could dye their hair and pretend to be inmates of a sanitarium. But it didn't convince all of the patients! The Joker knew Harley was a doctor and singled her out. He might have realized she was a doctor when she went up to him and said, "Hey Mistah J! I'm totally a prisoner and stuff. That's kinda whack, hunh?" The Joker, being smarter than most of the other patients, remembered that his doctor talked like that! And she looked like this person if this person only had blonde hair and a white coat! The Joker ain't not Killer Croc! You can't get a fast one past him!

This page might be the origin of the Narration Box. It's hard to tell since I didn't read most of it. I ain't tryin' ta read no actual book!

After her white skin's secret origin, The Joker dumps her and she spends some time screaming in the rain while Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti walk by, obviously in love with each other. After that's over, she becomes her own woman, strong and independent! Except for that one slip up with Deadshot when she called her vagina a clown car. That was awkward.

Harley Quinn Secret Origin Rating: +3 Ranking. Best origin story so far! Maybe it's only the best because she's so fucking adorable as she tells it. And she has a sense of humor! It doesn't matter that the punchline of most of her jokes revolve around corpses. I can forgive most of her murders because she's one of the few upbeat and perky characters in the New 52! Although Power Girl and The Huntress over in Worlds' Finest had a lot of enjoyable moments, like that time Power Girl touched The Huntress's ice cream with her poo fingers. Those girls!

Green Arrow
I pretty much nailed the Harley Quinn secret origin, so let's see how much I remember of Green Arrow's origin. He was a mama's boy rich kid bullshitter who needed to be taught a lesson by daddy. So daddy built an island and then he arranged for his son to fall off the deck of an oil rig while partying and wash up on the island where he'd suffer through many trials and tribulations learning how to be the man his father wanted him to be as opposed to the individual which Oliver actually grew into. Somewhere along the way, Oliver learned how to shoot an arrow really well. Then he got into a fight with Aquaman over a game of Karate Champ and they never spoke again.

Here's a spot of wisdom from one of my dopey friends growing up: "Bailing only leads to the big payoff!" -- Larry Trantham. I always felt unbroken bones were better than payoffs, so I never earned one. Although that never stopped me from bailing constantly! I think Larry's wisdom was bullshit!

That year on the way to camp, Ollie's limo crashed into an island where a tribe of BMXers lived. And the only way to earn food was to jump a series of complicated jumps on a dirt bike. By the end of the summer, Ollie had learned to ride a bike so well that he jumped off the island and onto a passing ferry where his father was waiting for him with a prostitute. Ollie spent the entire ride home bunny hopping her because he didn't know what to do with his ding dong in relation to her cup cake.

Realizing that his kid needed extra help to not quit every thing he ever tried, Dad Queen immediately set about building an island based on Road Warrior where Ollie would learn to drive.

Eventually Oliver learned to stop quitting things because he was sick of being stranded on islands every summer. But he still had one last island to be stranded on! The big island with all the secrets and his father in a mask trying to prove to his son that he can be a proper heir. Wouldn't business school have been easier?

So are we all in agreement that his Ann Nocenti days were a series of hallucinations brought on by bad sushi, and that Oliver Queen never actually went bankrupt? Yeah? Okay, great!

Green Arrow Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't think this secret origin had anything in it that wasn't in any of his previous regular New 52 issues save for the part where his dad tells him to never stop fighting. I guess it's nice that his dad had one conversation with Ollie and that it was something worth remembering. What if the only conversation he'd had with him had been, "Don't piss on the floor, asshole." I suppose, with that advice, he'd still grow up to be a deadeye.

Robin (Damian Wayne Version)
I don't know anything about Damian Wayne's origin. Talia drugged Batman so that he'd foolishly have unprotected sex and come inside the test tube she had stuffed inside her vagina. Then she used Batman's semen to fertilize one of her eggs, grew Damian in a glass bubble, and raised him until about the age of nine when he started getting mouthy. That's when she decided he should spend some time with his father. Right about when he was getting accustomed to life with Bruce, Bruce got himself killed (presumably not by Darkseid in The New 52 because I think the only real encounter New Earth has had with Darkseid was in the first Justice League story arc). Then Damian palled around with Dick and learned that fighting crime could be fun, so when Bruce reappeared and tried to be a dad again, Damian was pissed. Somehow that eventually led to Alfred forgetting to suggest a rope which allowed Damian to go off and get himself killed. I might have glossed over a few key points but fuck it. You all know the story better than I do! Probably. If you don't, my synopsis is damn well good enough!

What's with always hanging criminals from lampposts? Didn't Spider-man invent that?

Did Damian never actually play the part of Robin until he teamed up with Nightwing? I have some serious missed reading to catch up on! Why were interesting Batman comic books being written during my Long Hiatus?

Alfred catches up Nightwing on Damian's history while making it known at every possible opportunity that he thinks the kid is a righteous little shit. Calling in a big brother figure was probably the best move he could have made even if he didn't consider the move to be anything more than finding somebody else to deal with the bastard.

Nightwing delivers a note from Bruce stating that Damian has earned the honor of wearing the Robin suit. Which I guess means that Nightwing automatically gets to wear the Batman suit.

It was all Alfred's plan so he can enjoy the evenings in peace and quiet. Let fucking Dick deal with the little fuckface.

Damian Wayne Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking I appreciate that, after Batman died, Alfred's main goal with Damian was to get him under control somehow, and that it was Alfred's idea to stick Damian in the Robin guise while training under Nightwing. I haven't read any of the Preboot stories with Dick as Batman and Damian as Robin but it just seems like such a great pairing, especially to help teach Damian to act human. Dick is the kind of guy that doesn't have anything to prove, so Damian's rebellions and taunts simply amuse Dick. I really need to pick up those old issues because I think I'd love Dick as Batman. I can't even imagine a well-balanced, fairly happy Batman that treats the cowl as a job as opposed to an obsession. Back in the eighties and nineties, I could barely stand Dick Grayson. But since I've been back to reading comic books with The New 52, he's quite possibly my favorite character. And I like him extra special when Peter J. Tomasi is writing him.

Gorilla Grodd! (as seen in The Flash)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Variously Drew Drowden, William Dawson, an anonymous derelict [So did Grodd turn into a giant ape after being struck by lightning while doused in Dumpster juice?]
Occupation: Would-Be World Conqueror [To be fair, this is the occupation of all anonymous derelicts]
Marital Status: Formerly married [You know. Before he turned into a great big stinking ape.]
Known Relatives: Baka (wife, separated) [Ha ha. I chuckled that her name was Baka.]
Group Affiliation: Secret Society of Super-Villains
Base of Operations: Gorilla City
First Appearance: FLASH #106
Height: 6'6" [So just an inch taller than The Joker!] Weight: 600 lbs.
Eyes: Gray Hair: Black [And all over.]

HISTORY
Grodd was the greatest scientific genius among the highly evolved and extraordinarily intelligent gorillas living in Gorilla City, a hidden civilization in equatorial Africa (see Gorilla City) [Okay, so I got it backwards! He's the greatest scientific ape in the world and he cashes that all in to be a human bum.], Grodd made repeated unsuccessful attempts to conquer Gorilla City and the world, most of which were thwarted by the second Flash (see Flash II). (An account alleging Grodd and the other gorillas of Gorilla City to be extraterrestrials is totally erroneous [In other words, disregard that one story by that one hack that made no fucking sense anyway.].)

Years ago, Grodd used his telepathic powers to read the mind of Solovar (see Solovar), Gorilla City's leader, and thus discovered how to control the minds of others through "force of mind." Grodd returned to Gorilla City, and psionically took control of its soldiers. Solovar enlisted the aid of the Flash, who detested Grodd [What did Grodd ever do to Barry Allen to deserve such hostility?]. Later, Grodd apparently lost his new power [By ingesting some tainted fruit? By pissing off the Gorilla Gods? Through sheer laziness and sniffing his fingers too much?].

Still later, Grodd used an evolution accelerator to transform himself into a human being [Do I have to list all the things that don't make sense about an "evolution accelerator?" How about just the big ones? How would the accelerator know the outside forces working on the species that would help form it to better survive? How about the fact individual species don't actually evolve? You need birth after birth after birth to effect the change and that overall change is determined not by what the species wants to become but what is best to survive the environment around it? But I bet the big dumb ape simply evolved into a human, right?!]. Calling himself Drew Drowden [I suppose the name is all the explanation that nerdy Gorilla Grodd evolved into a nerdy human?], Grodd found a means to give himself tremendous mind-over-matter powers [Again, a little lacking in the details.]. Upon reverting to gorilla form, Grodd lost those powers and was again defeated by the Flash.

Unable to escape his Gorilla City cell physically, Grodd killed his own body and projected his mind into the body of a human named William Dawson. Dawson's released mental essence began wandering the cosmos. Eventually, Dawson's body turned into a duplicate of Grodd's original gorilla form [Fucking typical.]. Sometime later, Grodd somehow regained his power to control the minds of others and his mind-over-matter powers [Somehow? Probably an editorial snafu.], and could use all these powers in his gorilla form.

Dawson's mental essence returned to Earth and transformed an anonymous derelict into a highly evolved human form, into which Dawson's mind projected itself. Calling himself Psykon, Dawson used the great psionic powers he had acquired to battle Grodd. Grodd forced an exchange of minds with Psykon, but Grodd's own psionic powers were too weak to maintain Psykn's physical form, and Dawson, now in Grodd's body, used his fading mental powers to cloud Grodd's mind and to turn Grodd's body back into his own human form.

Grodd has since regained his full intelligence and mental powers and has psionically transformed himself back into his gorilla form. He is currently imprisoned in Gorilla City [This might be the most confusing character in the old DC Universe. I think maybe it was Grodd that was the reason for the Crisis on Infinite Earths. "Hey? Does anybody know if Grodd is currently a gorilla?" "I think there is a gorilla named Grodd but the mind of Grodd is in some guy named Dawson!" "But isn't Dawson currently a bum that looks like a Gorilla?" "Fuck it. Start the whole thing over."].

POWERS & WEAPONS
In addition to his natural telepathic ability, Grodd possesses extraordinary "force of mind" powers. These enable him to mentally control and transform matter, to levitate immense objects, to project powerful mental force beams, to control the minds of others, and to transfer his own mind into another body, among other feats. Grodd's mind is so powerful that it can transform the human bodies into which he has projected his consciousness into duplicates of his original gorilla body.

Like other members of his species, Grodd possesses colossal physical strength that is far greater than that of either a human or an ordinary gorilla.

Grodd is a scientific genius who has mastered Gorilla City's advanced technology and created many incredible inventions of his own.