Secret Origins #4

Three Robin origins across four issues? I want my money back! I want all the money back!

I just watched the trailer for the next Mad Max movie and I ruined my underwear. Then I put on a clean pair of underwear and ruined those too. Now I'm sitting in a pile of ruined underwear and I still can't stop thinking about another Mad Max movie! After watching the trailer, I realize it might be upsetting to have a Mad Max film that uses CGI but you know what? I just don't fucking care. I have already shot that fact in the head and buried it in the backyard inside a tiny little shoebox. Why do I have a tiny little shoebox? Holy shit! The baby!

Okay, now that I've buried two separate things in my backyard, it's time to repress most of this afternoon (but not the Mad Max trailer!) and read me some secret origins!

Harley Quinn
Let's see if I can remember Harley's secret origin. This New York speaking sexy clown in pajamas appeared on a Batman cartoon and everybody lost their shit forever over her. So someone at DC commanded, "Put her in every comic ever made because I love fucking money!" And that's how Harley Quinn was born!

I'm not sure about the New York accent. Maybe she has a Jersey accent? Whatever it is, I can't not hear it when I read any of her speech bubbles. Sometimes I forget she has it and then she'll refer to The Joker as "Mistah J" and there it is all over again, lolling around in my brain pan, stretching out its feet and legs and knocking over every other thought. Hopefully this secret origin story will also clear up where exactly her accent comes from! The secret origin of Harley Quinn's accent!

It's a Brooklyn accent! Um, I knew that! What I don't know is why she's talking into a robot's penis.

Riddle me this, Batfriends!

What's the sound a robot makes when it's coming?
01001111011010000010000001000001011100110110100101101101011011110111011000100001

Most robots can't orgasm because once they discover masturbation, they get caught in an infinite loop and they're totally useless from then on out.

Okay, so this secret origin tale is already off to a great start! I've learned the secret origin of Harley's accent and next I learn the secret origin of Harley's love of proactive psychopaths!

This is the most romantic moment so far in the entire New 52. Who knew I wanted more romance?! Sure, there were some sweet and tender moments in Firestorm, like when Jason and Ronnie married each other in the Zero Issue. But not many others!

Already this Harley Quinn origin has made this issue worth it! It's a treasure trove of facts that may or may not be actual facts, seeing that Harley Quinn is a looney tunes with a penchant for stretching the truth. And I know looney tunes with truth stretching penchants! I see one any time I accidentally glance sidelong into a mirror!

The next super secret origin that gets told is one I really wasn't expecting: the origin of Bernie, Harley Quinn's beaver!

Why is beaver slang for a vagina? Do vaginas have buck teeth and flappy tails? No wait! I know the answer to that because I've seen so many of them in my life you would never believe me if I told you how many! They, um, don't?

My friend Bob's mom used to refer to vaginas as "crickets." I guess she believed they brought good luck.

Harley gets a job blowing the warden at Arkham Asylum which allows her to conduct an experiment on the deranged patients. She would dye her hair and pretend she was a prisoner thus making them, um, think she was a prisoner. It was a radical study and proved that people could dye their hair and pretend to be inmates of a sanitarium. But it didn't convince all of the patients! The Joker knew Harley was a doctor and singled her out. He might have realized she was a doctor when she went up to him and said, "Hey Mistah J! I'm totally a prisoner and stuff. That's kinda whack, hunh?" The Joker, being smarter than most of the other patients, remembered that his doctor talked like that! And she looked like this person if this person only had blonde hair and a white coat! The Joker ain't not Killer Croc! You can't get a fast one past him!

This page might be the origin of the Narration Box. It's hard to tell since I didn't read most of it. I ain't tryin' ta read no actual book!

After her white skin's secret origin, The Joker dumps her and she spends some time screaming in the rain while Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti walk by, obviously in love with each other. After that's over, she becomes her own woman, strong and independent! Except for that one slip up with Deadshot when she called her vagina a clown car. That was awkward.

Harley Quinn Secret Origin Rating: +3 Ranking. Best origin story so far! Maybe it's only the best because she's so fucking adorable as she tells it. And she has a sense of humor! It doesn't matter that the punchline of most of her jokes revolve around corpses. I can forgive most of her murders because she's one of the few upbeat and perky characters in the New 52! Although Power Girl and The Huntress over in Worlds' Finest had a lot of enjoyable moments, like that time Power Girl touched The Huntress's ice cream with her poo fingers. Those girls!

Green Arrow
I pretty much nailed the Harley Quinn secret origin, so let's see how much I remember of Green Arrow's origin. He was a mama's boy rich kid bullshitter who needed to be taught a lesson by daddy. So daddy built an island and then he arranged for his son to fall off the deck of an oil rig while partying and wash up on the island where he'd suffer through many trials and tribulations learning how to be the man his father wanted him to be as opposed to the individual which Oliver actually grew into. Somewhere along the way, Oliver learned how to shoot an arrow really well. Then he got into a fight with Aquaman over a game of Karate Champ and they never spoke again.

Here's a spot of wisdom from one of my dopey friends growing up: "Bailing only leads to the big payoff!" -- Larry Trantham. I always felt unbroken bones were better than payoffs, so I never earned one. Although that never stopped me from bailing constantly! I think Larry's wisdom was bullshit!

That year on the way to camp, Ollie's limo crashed into an island where a tribe of BMXers lived. And the only way to earn food was to jump a series of complicated jumps on a dirt bike. By the end of the summer, Ollie had learned to ride a bike so well that he jumped off the island and onto a passing ferry where his father was waiting for him with a prostitute. Ollie spent the entire ride home bunny hopping her because he didn't know what to do with his ding dong in relation to her cup cake.

Realizing that his kid needed extra help to not quit every thing he ever tried, Dad Queen immediately set about building an island based on Road Warrior where Ollie would learn to drive.

Eventually Oliver learned to stop quitting things because he was sick of being stranded on islands every summer. But he still had one last island to be stranded on! The big island with all the secrets and his father in a mask trying to prove to his son that he can be a proper heir. Wouldn't business school have been easier?

So are we all in agreement that his Ann Nocenti days were a series of hallucinations brought on by bad sushi, and that Oliver Queen never actually went bankrupt? Yeah? Okay, great!

Green Arrow Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't think this secret origin had anything in it that wasn't in any of his previous regular New 52 issues save for the part where his dad tells him to never stop fighting. I guess it's nice that his dad had one conversation with Ollie and that it was something worth remembering. What if the only conversation he'd had with him had been, "Don't piss on the floor, asshole." I suppose, with that advice, he'd still grow up to be a deadeye.

Robin (Damian Wayne Version)
I don't know anything about Damian Wayne's origin. Talia drugged Batman so that he'd foolishly have unprotected sex and come inside the test tube she had stuffed inside her vagina. Then she used Batman's semen to fertilize one of her eggs, grew Damian in a glass bubble, and raised him until about the age of nine when he started getting mouthy. That's when she decided he should spend some time with his father. Right about when he was getting accustomed to life with Bruce, Bruce got himself killed (presumably not by Darkseid in The New 52 because I think the only real encounter New Earth has had with Darkseid was in the first Justice League story arc). Then Damian palled around with Dick and learned that fighting crime could be fun, so when Bruce reappeared and tried to be a dad again, Damian was pissed. Somehow that eventually led to Alfred forgetting to suggest a rope which allowed Damian to go off and get himself killed. I might have glossed over a few key points but fuck it. You all know the story better than I do! Probably. If you don't, my synopsis is damn well good enough!

What's with always hanging criminals from lampposts? Didn't Spider-man invent that?

Did Damian never actually play the part of Robin until he teamed up with Nightwing? I have some serious missed reading to catch up on! Why were interesting Batman comic books being written during my Long Hiatus?

Alfred catches up Nightwing on Damian's history while making it known at every possible opportunity that he thinks the kid is a righteous little shit. Calling in a big brother figure was probably the best move he could have made even if he didn't consider the move to be anything more than finding somebody else to deal with the bastard.

Nightwing delivers a note from Bruce stating that Damian has earned the honor of wearing the Robin suit. Which I guess means that Nightwing automatically gets to wear the Batman suit.

It was all Alfred's plan so he can enjoy the evenings in peace and quiet. Let fucking Dick deal with the little fuckface.

Damian Wayne Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking I appreciate that, after Batman died, Alfred's main goal with Damian was to get him under control somehow, and that it was Alfred's idea to stick Damian in the Robin guise while training under Nightwing. I haven't read any of the Preboot stories with Dick as Batman and Damian as Robin but it just seems like such a great pairing, especially to help teach Damian to act human. Dick is the kind of guy that doesn't have anything to prove, so Damian's rebellions and taunts simply amuse Dick. I really need to pick up those old issues because I think I'd love Dick as Batman. I can't even imagine a well-balanced, fairly happy Batman that treats the cowl as a job as opposed to an obsession. Back in the eighties and nineties, I could barely stand Dick Grayson. But since I've been back to reading comic books with The New 52, he's quite possibly my favorite character. And I like him extra special when Peter J. Tomasi is writing him.

Batman Eternal #11

Recently every cover with Batgirl on it looks like she's attempting to engage in scissoring.

I learned some stuff today! I decided to skim every issue of the 1985 Who's Who series to see if anybody was named Maxwell Payne. I figured he's going to be an important character in Futures End (or was important the five years between Now and Futures End, anyway!) and it was possible it was the name of some d-list villain. I couldn't find anybody by that name. I think the only person that had "Payne" as a last name was one of the three Clayfaces (the worst one!). But I did learn that Batman Incorporated used to be called The Dome!

I suppose I kind of already knew this since I read Infinity Inc many, many years ago. But due to the passage of time, a poor memory for details, and the insipid yet constant belief that any time I hear about anything for the first time ever, I believe it's the first time that thing has ever existed, I didn't make the connection.

Also while watching the first season of Young Justice, I got to see The Forever People in action and hear Jason Bard's name dropped in a telepathic training exercise. Jason Bard was also important enough for a Who's Who entry (for some horrible reason). He must have been created by somebody at DC with a lot of pull.

"Hey! Don't forget that boring ass white guy I created! He's different from the other boring ass white guy's I created because he uses a cane!"

Now that I'm chock full of useless information, it's time to apply it to my reading of Batman Eternal! Now I can say things that make me sound like I'm full of insight like, "Remember how Jason Bard used to run his own detective agency? I wonder how much he charged The Batman? I also wonder why the dirty cops never firebombed it!" Then some smartass comic book know-it-all will probably come along and say, "Actually, his place of business was firebombed in Detective Comics #433 entitled, 'Jason Bard's House of Sexual Dishonesty.'"

This issue begins with Batgirl trying to keep Scorpiana from murdering the man that was standing at the subway where her father did that horrible thing he apparently did. Batgirl thinks he knows something since he was standing around for hours and then left after the accident. Why would he stand around at a subway station for hours possibly waiting for somebody? Why would he leave after the accident instead of continuing waiting on the person he was waiting for?! Why did he eat a hot dog and look bored?! So suspicious!

The art makes me believe that a cat with a boner is going to sidle by at any minute.

This art is causing my brain to believe masturbation is about to take place! At any second, Batgirl's clothes are going to fall from her body and she's going to wrap her legs around Scorpiana's face. The camera man is going to pull out his penis and begin masturbating as he films the fuckfight. And then scorpions and spiders are going to crawl out of Scorpiana's ass and...oh. Okay, that's done it. I'm not thinking about masturbation anymore!

Meanwhile back at Wayne Manor, Alfred spends some quality time with his estranged daughter, Julia. He makes her a delicious looking fake sandwich and then lets her yell at him for a few panels.

And then...oh joy!...he gets to wipe up blood! What a fantastic day! Being a butler sure seems swell.

The scene shifts to Stephanie Brown doing research on her father's alias, Cluemaster. I bet the word "spoil" gets used at some point during this scene!

I'm wrong because I guess Snyder and company finally realized they were doing the same thing on a weekly basis and everybody was noticing. You can do that on a monthly basis because everybody forgets everything that was in last month's comic book. That's why so many people kept buying Teen Titans. They would forget how awful it was and then see it on the shelf next month and think, "Oh! I love the Teen Titans!" Then they would get home, read the comic book, and dream about the $2.99 they just threw down DC's toilet. Although to make up for the fact that "spoil" isn't said, they have Cluemaster as a civilian game show host use the word "clue" a few times! And they bold and italicize it in the same way they were doing when they used the word "spoil". Can a person feel halfway vindicated? I think that's what I'm feeling!

Where is that cat and his boner?

Now Scorpiana will break in to continue the fuckfight with Batgirl. But then Red Hood will save the day and Babs will be all, "I didn't need saving, you misogynist jerko!" And Red Hood will be all, "Fuck you, you harpy!" And then they'll engage in some mutual masturbation while listening to a Styx album.

How is Scorpiana going to fuckfight effectively with that mask on?

You know what couple of characters I haven't seen lately that I really miss? Alfred the cat and Batcow. Come on, DC! That's a monthly title that would make a killing! Or at least sell the one copy I buy. Isn't that enough?

Back to Spoi...I mean Stephanie Brown doing research in the library, I discover I was too quick to believe in half-vindication!

Full on vindication, urethra munchers!

Did you know that the race of beings that were the Tele-tubbies were actually called "Urethra Munchers." It's a fact! Go ahead! Look it up!

Does anybody know how to upload facts to Google?

This issue may never have gotten around to showing me a cat with a boner but these following panels are filled with flaccid, uncircumcised cocks and a stuffed animal that is a boob.

I'd prefer to just say "cocks" but I figure most of my readership live in America where only circumcised cocks get any air time. So all you young girls and boys that have never seen an uncircumcised cock before, this is the horror that will emerge from the pants of the person it's attached too!

I'm always surprised when an American points to something they find horrific being done in another country but they rush right out to get their baby's penis trimmed. As well as all the other horrible things Americans still buy into. That's just the one that's currently on my mind since I just saw two dozen cocks in that panel I scanned.

Back in Brazil, Batgirl escapes the television studio with Gonzolo and accidentally drops him inside Starfire's ship. At least I think it's Starfire! It looks like Starfire!

It's just...there's just...I mean...something is missing. And I don't mean all the dicks sticking out of all of her orifices! I mean, those are missing. It's just not what I meant this time!

El Gaucho arrives to capture Scorpiana and Red Hood appears to tell Batgirl she needs to calm the fuck down and start using her head to find the man at the subway station. So I guess they're going to team up for awhile without being angry at each other. Maybe. There are plenty of other reasons to be mad at Red Hood!

The mini-story that bookends this issue is about Selina visiting the grave of Lola, her ex-fence that died in a manner that can probably be seen as Catwoman's fault if you wanted to be a dick about it. A letter on the grave claims to be from her father. I think in some other DC reality, Falcone may have been her father. So he might be in this one as well. But if he is, he doesn't know Selina is Catwoman. Anyway, Batman is hanging around the graveyard hoping that Selina is sad and vulnerable and in the mood.

Oh! She is in the mood! She wants you to drop the stupid daddy act and be a non-daddy right now!

Batman Eternal #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. Um. Hmm. Oh yeah! I have to come up with a nice blurb for the Batman Eternal Trade when it comes out! "If you've never heard of Batman, don't bother picking up this one! Maybe try that Wolverine trade further down the rack -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Detective Comics #27

This is a big comic book! It must have thousands of jokes inside of it!

This issue of Batman: Detective Comics contains seven jokes. We will begin by reading the first joke. It is called "The Case of the Chemical Syndicate." That does not sound particularly funny. It sounds like a mystery! Some mysteries are funny though! Like the one called Murder By Death. That one is very funny. At least it was very funny when I was twelve years old. Perhaps it is not as funny now as it was then.

The joke begins with Batman interviewing himself. The first question that Batman asks Batman is, "Why do I do this?" He has a very funny answer for this question! He does it so that nobody else has to witness their parents shot down in cold blood in a moonlit alley full of rats and garbage. That is not the funny part. This is the funny part:

Ah! But you would not do it as well, would you?

Perhaps Bruce would be just as good a Batman if he were poor as if he were rich. Did he not travel the world learning everything he could learn without touching any of his family money? Sure, he always knew he could pick up the phone and Alfred would arrive to save the day with a pocket full of cash and some Toblerone. And it was probably easier to learn how to defeat hundreds of opponents in the pit of death without killing any of them when you knew you had a really big house with a super comfy bed waiting for you at the end of it. I think without money, Bruce would still have been a good Batman. But without his good looks and his charms (by charms I mean succulent penis)? That's a wholly different matter. How would he have learned secret assassination and poisoning skills if he had not been able to seduce all of the top women assassins in the world? He would not have learned them! He would have been arrested for sexual harassment.

Batman continues to answer his own question because he cannot get enough of hearing himself speak.

That is a stereotype and probably racist to boot.

Batman faces a lot of criminals that are not cowardly nor are they superstitious either. Or neither maybe. Perhaps that is why Gotham seems to be so full of lunatics. It is because the regular criminals have been scared out of town by the rumors of a crazed man that roams the night breaking people's bones. Batman believes they are scared of his bat-like appearance. But the thing they are really terrified of are the medical bills.

Batman finds himself on a case hunting down some guy killing partners of the A.C.E. Chemical business. But the two partners that are left get their speech balloons mixed up halfway through their conversation and it's really fucking confusing. Hopefully Batman is smart enough to straighten things out right after he crashes through another skylight.

Perhaps Batman will also find out who stole some of his Narration Box Bat Symbols and decided to give those answers I've been scanning in because the next one Batman says is, "I do it because it secretly thrills me." That doesn't sound like something Batman would admit to! Also, Batman's Narration Boxes have been in dark grey and have not been funny at all. The yellowish Narration Boxes have been full of jokes so they could not be by Batman. Not one of them. Perhaps they are by somebody that goes by the name Mr. Jokes?

See? The Gray Boxes are not funny at all. The other box is kind of funny. If you think about it and somebody explains the joke to you later.

Batman saves the innocent guy and doesn't let the guilty guy get away so I guess it wasn't a very tough choice after all. Batman kicks the guilty guy into a vat of chemicals and completes his crazy journal entry. It is his first entry in his Bat-Diary so I guess that is why it is so funny. This was before Batman remembered he was not supposed to have a sense of humor. But he would learn that it is nothing to laugh about. I don't know what "it" is but believe me, it is not funny. Not at all. But the guilty man that later climbs out of the chemical vat thinks it is funny! He thinks everything is funny! Ha ha! It is all a big laugh! Life! The universe! The chaotic randomness of existence! Oh ha ha! You can only laugh at such things!

Also, this story makes no sense because it is not The New 52 Joker's origin at all! Not even close! It is an old origin of The Joker! This is a story from another world and another time! It is from Preboot Earth! No, no! It is from Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth! It is a big fat lie! That must be why they got a writer that looks like Lex Luthor to pen this story! So that nobody would believe it. They would read it and say, "Is this a true joke?" And they would look at the guy who wrote it and they would laugh. They would say, "Ha ha! I get it! Lex Luthor is a liar!" And then they would read the next joke in the book which is called "Old School."

You can tell the next story is also a Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth because it is full of Ben-Day Dots and the criminals are carrying bags with dollar signs on them. Since Jim Lee and Roger Liefeld and Kirk McFarland showed everybody how to scribble lines all over everything, most comic book artists have given up using Ben-Day Dots. And banks have not given out cash in bags with dollar signs on them since the early sixties.

Robin is distracting the criminals with his sexy cheesecake pose.

After the criminals manage to outrun Batman and Robin, Robin learns that Batman films everything that happens with a tiny camera on his belt. Oh ho! Robin sighs a sigh of relief that the internet has not yet been invented yet or else Batman might post some inappropriate videos of Robin changing into his costume. Not to mention other things that I won't mention because the law frowns on pedophilia fan-fiction and I am not interested in writing any of that anyway even if I was going to say, "Ha ha! It was all a big joke!" afterward. I would feel like a criminal myself if I described Robin's throbbing boy member and what Batman would like to do with it. Besides, Batman and Robin's friendship is entirely platonic and I would not like to join the camp of people who think otherwise because they are gigantic jerks sullying the reputation of two great heroes.

I have more clues that this story is from the Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth if you needed any more! Batman's camera is not digital at all! And he does not have a Bat-Computer to do his work for him! Instead, he must call Commissioner Gordon and have him do the research! Also Batman gets called "mack" and that is a bad word from the olden days that nobody uses anymore. Even The Penguin happens along to point out that Batman and Robin need to update their schtick because they keep telegraphing their moves by speaking them!

But then the Scarecrow comes along and says, "I can read your thought bubbles, you jerks!" So that is what this story is all about! It is the origin of the Narration Boxes! I hate this story. This is not a funny story at all. It is a bad story! It is a very bad story!

Eventually Batman wakes up because it was not just a bad story, it was also a bad dream! Too bad I cannot wake up from it as well!

The next joke is called "Better Days" and it takes place when Batman is seventy-five years old. Or older. Or younger. But probably the first one.

Why is Damian using Alfred's head as a belt buckle? Is nobody else upset about this?

Bruce's guests are Dick Grayson and Tim Drake and Babs Gordon and Alfred Pennyworth and Damian Wayne. They must have forgiven him for telling The Joker all of their secrets. I wonder if The Joker will bring a present?

The fourth joke is called "Rain." I think I know this joke! "Knock knock!" "Who is there? Is it you? The person I have been waiting for to return my love? Is it the person that makes my heart race and the tears to fall? Is it you?" "No, it is only shadows on my doorstep. It is only cloudy images on my window pane. It is only rain."

Except that joke does not have Batman in it, so I might be wrong. Let us see if their joke contains The Batman!

Oh! It does have Batman! And it is a very funny joke indeed! See Batman save the psychopath?! See! See!

Also, the previous joke was supposed to be called "Hero" in the Table of Contents but then it was not called that at all.

The fifth joke is called "The Sacrifice" and it stars The Phantom Stranger. He is not very funny anymore. He played a big prank two thousand years ago and that was the last joke he ever made. He said, "Why are you not laughing Jesus? Don't you think it was a funny kiss? Can you not take a joke, Jesus?" And Jesus said, "Forgive them for they know not what they laugh at." And Judas said, "Oh boy! That prank really took a wrong turn, didn't it? I think I'll see you guys later!" And the Romans said, "No, do not go Judas! This was the best joke we've ever heard!" And the Hebrew People said, "That was it? That was your joke? We do not buy it. I think we shall wait around for a better joke than that."

The Phantom Stranger has decided it is once again time to get back on the joke-telling horse. So he comes to Batman and says, "Stop me if you've heard this one before."

Batman has heard it before! Stop, Phantom Stranger, stop!

The Phantom Stranger does not stop! He tells the joke anyway. But he forgets the punchline and tells it incorrectly. He tells it so badly that The Batman hates this version even more than the original version! This new joke must be very bad if Batman prefers the punchline that goes, "Thomas and Martha Wayne get shot in the head and die. Ha ha!"

The Phantom Stranger has not told a joke in so long that he ruins it by explaining it at the end.

Oh Phantom Stranger! Do not spoil the joke! Do not explain why it is funny!

The next joke is called "Gothtopia" and I think this is the most important joke in the book since it is being told by the regular creative team and it is also the name of the big crossover prank that DC has come up with. In this one, Pamela Isley who is also sometimes called Poison Ivy is yelling at the citizens of Gotham to wake up. It seems she is the only one that realizes Gothtopia, America's Safest City, should not be this at all! It should be Gotham City, Stuff of Nightmares! Although even if she sees the truth, why would she want it back? Old Gotham City was horrible! In Gotham City, Batman's sidekick was a skinny little boy. But not in Gothtopia!

Now that's what I call a sidekick! Mrowwr!

Batman's new sidekick is called Catbird and it is, fairly obviously judging by the excitement in my loinal area, Selina Kyle. She and Batman have the type of relationship that Tim Drake would be super jealous about if he ever found out.

Well, maybe not exactly that type of relationship.

Batman captures Poison Ivy and sends her off to be punished by Commissioner Sionis. So I guess the Black Mask is somehow mindcontrolling every lousy citizen in Gotham except for Poison Ivy. That's a good joke both on everybody and on Poison Ivy! Ha ha! Look at how confused Poison Ivy is! She must feel so alone and afraid. That is really funny when you can point at somebody else feeling like that and say "Ha ha! I am glad that is not me!"

Batman and Catbird help keep the city safe by going from fake accident to fake accident. You can tell the accidents are fake because one of them is reported as an ice cream truck jackknifing on the interstate. That is silly! Ice cream trucks are incapable of jackknifing! Silly Batman! Silly Gothtopia! Sexy Catbird!

The current mayor is The Penguin, so he might be in on this joke as well. Barbara Gordon is Bluebelle and Kate Kane is Brightbat and Dick Grayson is The Gothamite and Luke Fox is Flying Fox and Dinah Lance and Strix and Condor are The Wings of Truth. And everyone is happy and everybody laughs and laughs all day long.

People in Gothtopia are very happy, so they are committing suicide at an alarming rate. It makes sense to Alfred and Selina but Bruce is troubled by all of the happy suicides. He decides to get himself poisoned by Poison Ivy on accident so that he can learn the truth. It is a good plan, The Batman! A very good plan! Except that it makes everybody else sad and they all stop laughing for the entire day. Now they must stop Batman from believing! They must make him believe the not-believing before he unbelieves them all and they begin to believe the beliefs that he's now believing! And that would ruin the entire joke.

Also, the Gothamite might not be Dick Grayson since he should be in Chicago. But I can't think whom it might otherwise be.

Batman allows himself to be captured because he does not want to hurt his friends. And he would hurt them because breaking jaws and bones is what he does best. So instead he is carted off to The Crane Rehabilitation Center where Killer Croc works as a security guard. It makes sense that The Scarecrow would be behind a big gigantic brainwashing joke like this. But are the other criminals in on it as well? Or are they just working with him? It is very hard to get madmen to work together but it sometimes happens.

Here is where I would scan the final two pages to show that the madmen are all in on the plan and Professor Pyg and Harley Quinn and Mr. Freeze are co-conspirators as well. But it's a double page splash and I'd probably break the binding on the book, so you'll just have to imagine it or buy your own copy or pirate it off of the internet. That last one was a joke! I do not approve of that at all! Not at all!

The final joke is called "Twenty-Seven." And I will keep it short. Batman learns how to replicate himself so that there is always a Batman! The end!

Detective Comics #27 Rating: No change. I feel like there should have been a bigger payoff at the end of this. Where was the punchline? Oh! I see it! Now that I've closed the cover! I see it! The joke was on me! There is the punchline! There it is! $7.99! That was a mean joke. Very mean.