Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5

Time for another sexy chapter!

Once upon a time, a full month passed since the last chapter of this sexy story. Back then, it was a time of not knowing where the story was headed or how the penultimate chapter might end! "Penultimate" is a word that everybody knows because it is one of those long words that sound important and are easy to remember the definition of. I also like it because this is a sexy story and it has "pen" in it and you know what other word has "pen" in it, right? Wink, wink!

But now a month has passed! Vartox is not longer a Puritron so you can bet there will be plenty of sexy scenes today! I hope you already have you pants around your ankles and are sitting on a plastic sheet! Or at least, if you're male, have the plastic sheet a number of inches in front of you depending on the last time you had an orgasm. Keep it close if you have had one recently! But if you are all backed up because nobody will have sex with you and maybe your mother has been keeping a close eye on you and the amount of time you spend in the shower, you'd better put that plastic sheet like a foot or two away because you are going to go off like a messy bottle rocket!

But before everybody does it to everybody else (and you do it to yourself), they're probably going to have to battle some cockblocker named The Harvester of Sorrow. He's a great big handsome head with a beard made of sewer pipes because things are going to get super filthy in and around his face. If you're an adult, you totally know what I'm talking about. If you are a child, you should be thinking about cupcakes. Also maybe you shouldn't be reading this. Instead you should go tell your parents that they are not good at their job.

Mister Sorrow spreads madness all across the universe destroying star systems. If you want to know more about him, you should listen to Metallica's "Harvester of Sorrow." That should explain everything. I suppose I could explain it here but I don't want to repeat any of Metallica's lyrics because Lars Ulrich will sue me. So don't worry, Lars! This is a sex story and bringing up something like infanticide would just kill all of the boners.

The Harvester of Sorrow attacks but nobody's clothes fall off in the way that horny teenagers love clothes to fall off. Horny adults also like for that to happen. Sometimes adults and teenagers who aren't horny don't know that they want clothes to fall off until the clothes fall off and then the horniness sets in. Some good advice when you want to do it with somebody is to just get naked in a room full of people and ask if anybody is horny. Some gross people will say that they are horny but then you should just put your clothes back on and say you are no longer horny instead of saying that they are gross because that's mean. Even gross people don't want to be rejected harshly. Believe me, I know that because a gross friend of mine told me how my feelings were hurt every time somebody told me they didn't want to do it with me because I was gross.

This story is getting less and less sexy every page!

Inside the Cockblocker's head, Harley discovers some berry stickers with bubble gum guns. Those sound like the kinds of things that children would be into! I guess adults that want to appear youthful and whimsical and carefree would also be into bubble gum guns and berry sticker security guards. But us adults who like to do it do not have time for kiddie things! Although I would love to earn a Scratch-n-Sniff banana sticker for being good at doing it to a lady!

Oh wait! I found a sexy part!

And that's about it for the sexy part so you might want to finish while looking at Harley kissing Ivy. I'll wait.

Okay, so the men are back now! You guys missed the part where the giant head caught a Joker virus from Harley and then exploded. I suppose there was another slightly sexy part when you could see Harley's Butt Window but it was really small and not worth mentioning in the story. Also I forgot I was writing a sexy story because this comic book wasn't sexy at all. That feels like a bait and switch because all of the other issues were very sexy and this one was just weird. I didn't even mention the people with billiard balls for heads!

Anyway, the planet was saved and everybody decided it was time to sit in hot tub full of orifice massaging tentacles. But before that happens, Vartox decides to propose to Power Girl because he really wants to put his penis into her vagina on a regular basis. The ring is his way of claiming Power Girl as his own so that other men will go, "I really want to put my penis in that lady's vagina but I can see by the ring on the appropriate finger that she has been claimed by somebody already. So instead I will just get a good look at her and masturbate later while thinking about how she might put her mouth on specific parts of my body that normally people don't put their mouths on." But the story ends before Power Girl can say yes or no because that is called the cliffhanger and it is meant to get the reader frothing at the mouth about what will happen next. Here is a clue: Power Girl marries him for the ring to get home! Remember how that clue was given to readers in Harley Quinn #12? In that issue, I predicted this adventure would go something like this:

[T]hen they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

I think that was a pretty accurate prediction!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #5 Rating: No change. This issue did not have enough sex or near sex or hinted at sex or off-color sex jokes or mentions of Harley's beaver or innuendos about sex or anything sexy at all. My pants are full of disappointment.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4

I knew it too! Master Comic Book Reader!

This is part two of the sexy story I was writing last time which was wholly original and super sexy. It was full of man parts interacting with lady parts and lady parts interacting with shower nozzles and lady parts being looked at by man parts (the eye parts!) and man parts being hinted about because they're far too gross or sexy to mention completely or to show erect if you want your book to become a movie which can be shown in a theater whose floors are only sticky due to spilled pop. At the conclusion of the first sexy part, Power Girl had just been overcome by Vartox the Puritron's Semen Eye Beams. They were all "SPLOOSH!" and Power Girl's breasts were all "STICKY!" and all the readers were all satisfied. But now the readers have had time to get unsatisfied which is also called horny in less respectable places of soft repute. So I must satisfy them once more with my sexy writing style!

Before I continue with my story, let's play a game! Plumber or Power Girl?!

If you guessed "plumber," you probably forgot which comic book I was "reviewing".

Power Girl and Vartox the Puritron were locked in a vicious battle of punching each other in the faces. I will not describe the battle in detail because this is not a story about kinky behavior. I will not have people who get turned on by violence getting turned on by reading my sexy story for people who get turned on by not-so-subtle innuendo about man rods and pool parties in panties. If you're into violent boners, you should probably be reading Batman. I'm pretty sure he's beating the teeth out of somebody right now in his Annual. You should put your pants on and go to your local comic book store to pick it up. But wear a long coat because nobody wants to see your raging bat boner if you are a guy or your slowly spreading love stain if you are a woman who probably forgot to put on her underwear and is wearing white Capri pants.

Harley Quinn joined the battle riding on the back of her Joker colored Battle Cat which could speak. I don't remember where it came from. Maybe it's Groovicus Mellow's Space Dong? If so, it's bigger than I suspected! And I was suspecting a pretty big Space Dong based on Groovicus Mellow's look by which I mean skin color unless even stereotypes that I would like to be typed with are bad and then I meant because he just sounds like the type of guy who would own a big Space Dong. And also it's probably a rescue because that's the cool way to get a Space Dong. You don't want to support greedy Space Dong Mills. Although I don't actually think Harley is riding Groovicus's Space Dong into battle at all. Obviously this is Harley's Space Pussy.

Vartox the Puritron began to choke Harley Quinn to death because he was exhausted by her eyeballs trying to look up his loin cloth. But then Harley's Space Pussy began to purr and Vartox was all, "Why am I so calm and happy now?! Only true monsters do not love Space Pussy! You can tell the character of a person by their love of Space Pussy! When a person sees a Space Pussy and is all, 'Argh! Get that awful thing away from me! It is so selfish and doesn't approve of me at all and it has hurt me feelings! I wish it were a Space Dong because they will love anything! They will even love things that have just beaten them with a miniature Spaceball Bat!', you know that person is not a person to be liked at all and is probably a big jerko!" Also in the background which I should probably describe so I could fill a few hundred pages like that Tolkien guy, some mushrooms were growing and looking like stumpy penises which means normal sized.

Harley Quinn's Space Pussy convinced Vartrox to stop being a Puritron because it was so soothing to look at and to listen to as well if you're into that sort of thing. So Vartox was all, "Hey! I am myself again. Let us shagadelic, baby!" And then somebody probably said "That's what he said!" because Michael Scott was quoting Austin Powers but now everybody is just quoting Michael Scott. "That's what he said," everybody probably just said.

If anybody was wondering where Harley Quinn got her Space Pussy, I have decided, of my own free will and from my own imagination, to come up with Harley's Space Pussy's Origin Story.

And then the giant Space Pussy licked itself.

Vartox the No Longer Puritron grabbed up Power Girl in his arms and kissed her which gave him the feelings inside that one gets when one kisses a person whom a person wants to kiss. Good feelings, probably, since I see people kissing all over the place and it seems like they like it. Sometimes it seems like they really like it if they are wearing jogging pants or white Capri pants! Usually when I see people kissing at the mall, I think of saying something super witty like "Get a room!" but then forget to say it because some butt touching happens and then I just think "I hope they don't get a room at all and just do it right here in public!" It's about that time that I start to get really uncomfortable eating my hot dog on a stick.

Power Girl threw Vartox against a mountain because she still has Puritron feelings having been raised on Krypton where nobody ever put ding dongs in hoo-has because they had a really excellent Test Tube Baby program. Jor-el was the only Kryptonian that was curious about sticking his ding dong in a hoo-ha instead of in a test tube. And Lara was totally into giving it a go too because she was a total slut. I wish I would meet a total slut! Where does one go to meet one? The zoo? An arcade? The Hallmark Store?

Thanks to the magic of Harley Quinn's Space Pussy, Vartox was once again his normal self and the fighting stopped for all time. At least between the the heroes of the story! More fighting will take place later against Oreo the Buzzkill.

If Earth is where all of the sluts are, how come I can't find any?!

Oreo the Buzzkill attacked with his army of Sex Nuns. Not that they're nuns that like to have sex but they're nuns who think the number of sexual partners a person should have is none. It's a pun or something. Whatever it is, it isn't very erotic at all! I thought this story was supposed to be full of sentences that make your stomach feel like you have diarrhea but in a good way. I guess I'll have to pad it with some of those moments so everybody gets their money's worth (even if no money was spent to get this worth).

The explosion exploded Harley Quinn across the barren landscape that was not completely barren due to all of the penis-shaped mushrooms growing in the background. As Harley flew through the air, her thong underwear that she had put on backwards disappeared for mysterious reasons that probably won't be explained later since that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that her lady parts were now flapping and flopping all over the place. Unless lady parts do something else when exposed to the air. Perhaps expand and throb? If you've seen lady parts before in real life, just picture them doing whatever they were doing that time you saw them. Also if you are the type of lady who isn't turned on by lady parts, just wait until the next sentence! Harley thought she was dead for sure but she was caught in the arms of Vartox whose loin cloth had fallen to the side exposing his penis which looked like a mushroom. But it looked like a huge mushroom that had veins in it and was probably throbbing too. It was either circumcised or uncircumcised depending on which one you find more attractive although since it was erect, it probably didn't matter. It was the exact right size to not be intimidating at all and looked like the kind of thing you would want to put in your mouth, like a Popsicle or a retainer. It was super hot to look at especially since it was now so close to Harley's exposed lady parts which were probably dripping or erect or whatever they do when they're in proximity to a penis. The readers probably had to take a break now to go masturbate because this scene was so exciting.

But then Oreo the Buzzkill turned his gaze on the naked flesh of his enemies and was perturbed! Wait a second. Let me check the dictionary. Yes, yes. He was perturbed verily much!

So the whole world conquering thing was due to having a small penis? Now we all know what Mongul's Dong looks like! What's the smallest mushroom? That's what it looks like!

Power Girl defeats Oreo the Buzzkill while he's distracted by Vartox's Massive Space Dong (not the pet kind of Space Dong this time but actually his penis). But that's not the end of the story! The end of the story will only take place after Power Girl and Harley Quinn defeat Oreo's boss: The Harvester of Sorrow! I bet he was cheated of his youth. I bet somebody turned some lie to truth.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4 Rating: +2 Ranking or something, I guess. I mean, this comic book is fun and enjoyable but it shouldn't be read by anybody because it is full of sexy things which Americans are not allowed to read. They are sinful and inappropriately fun. As an American, I know I should not be reading this at all. It is my duty to be dour and to tsk tsk anybody that thinks about sex in any way other than for making a baby. When an American has sex, he or she should only be thinking about babies the entire time. Men's sex talk should be things like, "I am going to put my penis inside your vagina in the hopes that I can shoot enough sperm into you so that one of them will swim up your lady parts that I don't know the name of because I never had a proper sex education class and the sperm will fertilize your egg which will immediately become a living being loved by all strangers (at least until it is born and then forget about it)." Then the woman should say, "Oh yes, yes. Make a baby inside of me! But be careful that I do not orgasm because women should not be enjoying sex at all. That is the man's prerogative!" Then nine months later everybody can enjoy the baby until they are shot in a random act of violence that can not be stopped so why even try. America!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3

Looks like another episode of "This comic book is all about fucking but it's teen rated so we can make a shitload of money which means we had to leave the actual fucking out of it. Sorry!"

Harley Quinn removed the finger (or two?) a woman most commonly puts inside of her pee hole for pleasure and spoke into the ship's microphone which was super close to her mouth and reminded the reader that sometimes women put penises in their mouths. She sexily began to talk like Captain Kirk in those scenes where he would tell the viewers everything they needed to know before watching the rest of the show which would be about the officers risking their life by exploring a strange and dangerous planet when they should probably stay aboard the ship while only lower ranked crew members beamed down to the planet. That Enterprise ship was poorly managed!

"Starbanger twenty-three point five seven point more numbers: today we approach a planet that looks like a butthole. We plan on going in fast so that the Puritrons won't know what hit them. We are on a mission to rescue Sexman the Horny which will probably end in tons of finger tonguing and groin scuffling. We should probably only wear underwear on the mission even though this is just a word story and not a visual story and the horny people reading it will just have to imagine how just a tiny bit of my areola shows over my lacy bra (which is probably see through as well so you can see everything but seeing the bit that is uncovered is a super turn on still so we'll leave it like that). And they'll just have to imagine how my thong underwear was put on backwards because I was in such a hurry this morning so the thin part is hardly covering any of my lady parts at all! And my lady parts are all quivery and excited because I'm going to get to meet, and probably have marital infidelities with, Sexman the Horny!"

"What are you doing?" asked Power Girl as she slowly pulled on her crotchless granny panties. One of her massive boobs had fallen out of the hole in her outfit because that hole was an extremely bad idea with boobs that big. Her Kryptonian nipple was about seven inches long and totally weird but in a way that made people in the movie theater after this story has been adapted into a film scream, "I've got a very erect thingy now!"

Harley Quinn scoffed at Power Girl not sitting on her face. That scene would just have to wait for later unless that's not a sex move and just an accident that sometimes happens to two women who love each other very much or just met even. "I am smarter than you!" The words squelched out of Harley's perfect mouth and penetrated both of Power Girl's ears. Power Girl let out a sigh or a moan and Kryptonian love goop dripped out of the crotchless part of her underwear. "I love it when you talk to me!"

Groovicus Mellow and his probably Massive Space Dong (because he was an African American Spaceman and everybody knows how much they love to bring their pet Space Dongs with them) said, "Ladies! We have arrived at the city which looks like dozens of penises thrusting their engorged veinyness straight into space!"

We all do, Harley. All the time.

"Why are all of those buildings so erect?" Harley queried her lady parts which were smashed up against the window in a very flattering way. "I wish I had brought my beaver into space with me so I could make some very direct and unsubtle jokes about touching it!" Power Girl rolled her eyes and shoved her boobs back into her suit and waved her hands in the air and said, "I'm totally not into sex at all and this story is not making me feel sexy!" Groovicus Mellow winked at his Space Dong which drooled a little bit.

"Sexman the Horny once had to go fifty years without ever having sex," proclaimed Groovicus Mellow which made everybody smirk and titter because we all know how ridiculous it would be for somebody to have to go without sex for fifty years, right?! So crazy! I mean, we get that sometimes people go without sex for say...forty-three years, maybe. But fifty?! That's beyond comprehension! I hope!

Harley Quinn lifted her stinky finger into the air and said, "One time in high school when I was super horny but not allowed to act on it because the society I'm from frowns on women enjoying sex and also thinks that young women should deprive themselves of the pleasure of sex because they have these laws where young women can't have sex with guys if they're too old which means they have to have sex with guys their own age who don't know how to give good sex yet and are always disappointing in the sack for the ten seconds of wasted time you spend in the sack with them, I drew lots of erect thingies on my Pee-Chee folder during Algebra. Now whenever I think of the Quadratic Equation, my panties fill up with love minestrone." If a sexier soup is invented by the time this story becomes a movie, it should replace "minestrone" in the script. Also in the Indian translation of this story, that should probably read "my panties fill up with love vindaloo."

Harley's speech was interrupted by a fleet of fighters attacking their ship and the way too accurate uncircumcised penis shaped ship of the Extreme Girlfriends Fighting and "The Other F-Word" Force. The battle would surely be super exciting but in a different way from the kind of exciting this story is supposed to incite, so it should be over quickly. Boners mixed with aggression should probably be limited to just fifteen or twenty pages.

Harley Quinn abandoned the ship because she's practically a Green Lantern now that she found some Hard Light Gloves in a previous episode. "I want to have all the sex but I can't so I will destroy things," she screamed as she flew spread-eagled into battle. "I hope nobody gets a peak at my undercarriage as I fly about murdering Puritrons! And I probably should have put my underwear on correctly because it is really uncomfortable probably because it's smooshing my lady thing or riding up it or getting tangled up in it or something. It would be easier to describe if I knew what one looked like! I mean a thong and not a lady's thingy, of course, since I am a lady and I look at my thingy nearly every day," explained Harley in a way that made the readers nod appropriately and maybe put a hand down their pants.

Power Girl followed Harley Quinn into the battle because Power Girl knew she could enjoy beating people up and forget about all the fun, bawdy sex stuff that is subtly happening in the background which I'm mentioning just in case you didn't notice any of it. Go back and reread it with that in mind and you'll see how I've been inserting lots of sexy parts into the story! The battle was also joined by Cherub, Sexman the Horny's fling from college. Cherub is a male which shows just how much Sexman the Horny is into sex that he'll sex up men and women. He probably even sexily stroked Groovicus Mellow's Massive Dong once!

Is the portal line a sex joke or just an observation? Is everything in this book a sex joke? Am I a sex joke?

Cherub set his ship to self-pleasure and ejaculated out of it and into Power Girl's arms. His ship entered the massive portal and exploded. With the violent part of the story over, Harley Quinn and Power Girl and Cherub returned to their ship to shower together for five or six descriptive pages. But they're distracted by Groovicus Mellow who is partaking in a drug party with drugs so I won't have to do any research on the female anatomy for the shower scene. I'm not even sure how to write an all-female shower sex scene! Can I use words like throbbing and boner and penetration? Or do I have to stick to words like sensuous and open mouthed kissing and erotic friend touching? How do two women have sex with each other? Do they eat salad and talk about boys until they're tuckered out?

Mellow's drugs perforated the entire space ship so everybody got super high and turned into Moritat drawings which meant they were suddenly super cute and reminded me how much I miss Tallulah Black. Power Girl's hand turned into a zebra and said, "I am not Power Girl's hand anymore! I am Marty and I want to tell you where Power Girl has been putting me!" But then Power Girl strangled Marty into speechlessness because she's supposed to be grossed out by sex stuff and she didn't want her zebra telling Harley Quinn how much she actually enjoys finger tooting and shower nozzling. Harley Quinn was all, "Time to write a Hunter S. Thompson story!" And Power Girl sighed and said, "Ugh. I hope you actually know Hunter S. Thompson's voice and how to imitate it when you do the story and you're not just one of those people who once saw Fear and Loathing in New Mexico and decided you were a huge Hunter S. Thompson fan because he did drugs and stuff!" And Harley Quinn put a Quaalude in her butthole and said, "Relax, mon ameeba! I gat dis voice downed pat, true 'nuff!"

So this is where a scene happens that makes the audience go, "Oh yeah! That's totally Hunter S. Thompson but mixed with comic book references and I totally get it all because I'm super up on all that jazz!" Plus Spider Jerusalem makes an appearance but he's missing the tattoo of the spider on his head for some incomprehensible reason that is totally incomprehensible no matter how many people message me saying it isn't and explaining it to me.

Why did all of the drug stuff take precedence over Mr. Mxyzptlk oral sexing Harley?

The drug party eventually ended without anybody's nether regions having a fun time (except maybe Harley's which may or may not have orgasmed in the fifth dimension. I bet during oral sex Mr. Mxyzptlk would accidentally say Kltpzyxm! How come Superman never tricked him that way?) and the hog-loving heroes went back on the case which was a rescue mission, remember? They were trying to save Sexman the Horny so he could teach them all the proper way to scream, "HOLY CRAP I'M ENGAGING IN THE BEST SEX EVER AND PROBABLY ORGASMING ACROSS SEVERAL DIMENSIONS!" I'm going to scream that when I have sex. You know, the next time I have sex which will be really soon and, anyway, it wasn't that long ago when I last had sex either.

Groovicus Mellow was so high on the drugs that he wasn't able to react quickly enough to dodge an evil blast from the now evil Sexman the Horny! "Gasp!" says the audience as they realize Sexman the Horny has been turned to the dark side by Oreo the Deliciously Evil! "Now we must fight the person we came to save," screamed Power Girl! "Or we can just have sex with him because he's a bad guy now and bad guys totally know how to sex better than good guys. Let's not waste this opportunity! Right, my lady parts?"

"Goosh!" replied Harley Quinn's lady parts.

First Blumpkin joke ever in a mainstream superhero title?

Harley Quinn's lady parts were soon crying down her legs at the sight of such a manly example of a manly man. But Power Girl was disgusted due to her Kryptonian upbringing which made her brain say the exact opposite of what her vagina was feeling. "He is gross!" screamed Kara as her Vagina said, "GARGLE OOZE GRUMPHLE SQUIRT!"

Sexman the Horny attacked the lusty women by shooting Semen Beams out of his eyes. The curvy heroes hopped out of the way because they weren't ready to take care of baby heroes any time soon. They also may have been doing less dodging and more trying to find a better vantage point to sneak an upskirt peek of Sexman the Horny's missing unmentionables.

Definitely testicles and space dong. And to think, Simon Bizley couldn't even get away with sneaking a penis onto Lobo's arm!

"Please save my friend and probably next lover," begged Groovicus Mellow to Power Girl who was apparently the greatest love of Sexman the Horny but in another universe and time that this Power Girl didn't remember.

"I will not save him because he will probably try to put his tongue into one of my orifices that I usually pretend don't exist," Power Girl lectured. "Grumble mutter hazzafraggin sazz," sputtered Power Girl's butthole.

"Your butthole makes a pretty fair argument," replied Harley sniffing long and deeply.

"Okay, fine! I will speak with him and turn him back into the good Sexman the Horny. Or at least the version of him that is not trying to kill us but trying to have sex with us instead. I do not know why we would want that version though," responded Power Girl heroically as she flew off to save the day like her cousin always does, quickly and nonsexually.

Power Girl flies off and punches Sexman the Horny in the face. But Sexman the Horny does not lose so easily! Instead he says things like, "Your outfit does my penis a service!" and "Your feminist funbags pose a mighty argument which logic cannot counter!" and "Sex is for bad people because I am currently the opposite of Sexman the Horny due to being controlled by that Oreo guy, remember?" Power Girl's brain sort of agrees with that last point but she punches from her vagina and it completely disagrees with Sexman the Horny's philosophy of denying penises and vaginas pleasure. Thus it is understandable when I end my story by using the word "thus" and pointing out how Vartox blasted Power Girl with his Semen Vision while she was distracted by his barely covered jiggly bits. To be continued!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic book is a filthy bit of pornographic swill which will completely offend any sensible comic book fan. But since no sensible comic book fans read my blog, none of you have to worry about being offended by it. It's deliciously bawdy with occasional bits of overly bawdy and too many bits of not bawdy enough. Also, Moritat draws three fucking pages of the most adorable Harley Quinn and Power Girl this side of my wet dreams. This is the issue where the book really finds a comfortable stride. The jokes come together with the story and it just really works. My main complaint is that the rating on the cover wasn't XXX so I still haven't gotten twenty two pages of Power Girl sitting on Harley's face while Poison Ivy orally pleasures her best friend with maybe Batman pounding Ivy in the ass. And not Bruce Wayne Batman! I want Jim while inside the Honey Bunny Bat Armor!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2

This cover is unrealistic. Harley's left hand should be cupping Power Girl's right boob.

When we last saw Power Girl and Harley Quinn, they were stranded on the planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They needed to find some perv named Lord Vartox so they could borrow his teleportation ring and get back to Earth. But there's an invading force of puritanical acne-faces who want to stop all of the guy boners and lady boners (I can't wait to find out what a lady boner is!) in the universe. Plus a lot of "-olees" were added to the ends of words.

After some bawdy humor, this "-olee" happens.

The Mechadentist is actually Killy-McHappybot 2.0. It's not as cute as Carl the End-of-Life Bear. Carl gives out drugs and brownies that probably have drugs in them and banana pudding that kills you. Killy-McHappybot 2.0 sews orifices shut. I know which robot I'd rather meet! Although I have a friend who hates bananas so much, she might actually choose to encounter the orifice sewing robot. At least then Carl couldn't shove any banana pudding into her.

While Power Girl battles lots and lots and lots and lots of Puritans on Speeder Bikes, Harley Quinn searches for a weapon to defeat Killy-McHappybot 2.0 before it sews her Holee holee up.

Harley forgot to add "-olee" to something!

Harley makes a hard light sledgehammer of the usual proportions so she can battle Killy-McHappybot 2.0 amid broken sex statues of asses, nipples, and hands with fingers in Standard Fingering Position #1.

Harley takes her hammer and refashions Killy-McHappybot 2.0 to look like her beaver.

On the surface of the planet, Power Girl has been knocked unconscious. But she's rescued by Fuck Me, Baby's protectors, the XXX-Men (who are mostly women although we all understand how "men" can often be used in a way which does not denote gender, right?).

The Triple-X Men are actually the XGF which is probably Ex-Girlfriend Force or just Ex-Girlfriends if you want it to be non-super-heroic sounding. That's probably why they're mostly female. Cherub must be from Lord Vartox's college years.

This is a glimpse into Midnighter's future if he keeps tagging everybody he bangs with communicators.

Harley rejoins the group and they all rush off to the moon of Lustox to rescue Vartox who has become a mindless sex slave of Oreth Odeon!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2 Rating: No change. This comic book is exactly what you would expect it to be so it really doesn't need to be reviewed by anybody. Everybody will know whether they're going to like it or not as soon as they see it on the shelves. It's silly and bawdy and Harley is Harley and Power Girl could probably loosen up just a tad although I understand that she needs to be the adult in this relationship so I forgive her. I hope next issue somebody fucks somebody else! I'm all worked up from all the bawdiness! I think. When you're stomach growls, it means you're horny, right?

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1

Is this comic going to tell the tales of their alternate dimension shenanigans where Power Girl winds up married?

I think this is going to be one of those comic books that I don't need to write much about because I don't really need to remember what's going on from month to month. And everybody pretty much knows what they're going to get with an Amanda Conner/Jimmy Palmiotti slashfic by this point. Although throwing Justin Gray into the mix is kind of kinky.

The issue begins with Harley Quinn and Power Girl having been teleported to La Galaxia del Sombrero by The Clock King. Harley and Kara run into a horny Yoda dude. Then they encounter an eight-headed hydra thing which swallows Power Girl much the way the horny Yoda dude wanted to do. But playa didn't have no game. He was all, "There's a party in my pants and I already came. Oh. I said that wrong. Meet my hydra!" And then the hydra was all, "Roar! Gulp! Boing!" And Harley was all, "Holee holee holee holee!" And DC Comics was, "Is this check big enough, Mister and Missus Amanda Conner?!" And Justin Gray was all, "Can't we do a waaaAAAaaaaAAAaaar stoooOOOooooOOOOoOOOoooreeeeEEEEeEEEeee?" And I was all, "No way in hell am I going to take this commentary seriously."

Eventually, a massive robot head lying in an overgrown jungle welcomes Kara back and initiates the Love Nest Protocol. I think that means she's going to have to slip into something more comfortable! Which, judging by her regular costume, will turn this into a Mature-rated comic book.

The robot head offers to take Harley and Karen to the man behind the Love Den, Lord Vartox. He's currently busy right now with Oreth Odeox.

Judging by his outfit, his facial hair, and an earlier mention of his penchant for free love and a fetish for humans, this is probably the tamest way Lord Vartox could have been introduced.

Holee word that doesn't normally rhyme with holee but Harley makes rhyme with holee by adding "-olee" to it, the ladies' ship gets shot out of the air and crash lands on the planet. I bet Power Girl is going to be angry! And Harley will be somewhat nonplussed and maybe a little bit too excited.

Oreth Odeox has taken it upon himself to rid the universe of hedonism. So he's a bit like the Guardians with their mission to rid the universe of masturbation! That makes Oreth the second worst villain (after the Guardians!) to ever appear in a DC Comic book. Why is the Justice League battling Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor? They should be battling all of these aliens that want to end orgasms.

This guy has a low bar definition for prostitution!

Power Girl decides that lost on an alien planet and surrounded by hostile alien creatures who are comparing her private parts to the feet of alien animals is the best time to lecture Harley about not killing sentient creatures. I suppose there's no better time for it, really, since if she doesn't tell Harley this exact second, a lot more alien creatures are going to die. Harley's defense is that it was a tiny gun and she really didn't expect it to be so powerful. Power Girl should understand that because, let's face it, hasn't Power Girl most likely killed multiple humanoid aliens whose bones just weren't able to take the same amount of beating as a human? She'd only discover that after smashing them into jelly with a punch that should have just knocked them out, right? No way Superman hasn't accidentally killed a human or five dozen in his life just calibrating the right amount of power to put behind his punches. Plus what if it's an extra sunny day and he's got a bit more power than usual so that his usual force is just a bit more lethal than normal?

See? Those guys are in hazmat suits for a reason! I bet those with damaged suits are now dead! Or maybe they just didn't want to get any semen on themselves.

Intermission mit Spoilers: I watched The Babadook last night and lost interest in whether the mother survived the trauma after she killed her dog, whether she was possessed or not! For those two people that didn't notice, Babadook equals A Bad Book. One thing the movie helped me realize is just how terrifying being schizophrenic can be. I'm not saying the mother was schizophrenic; she was just having a severe mental breakdown brought on by years of guilt, grief, stress, and overexertion. But because experiences on LSD are about as close as one can get to schizophrenia, and because I love LSD (although it's been about thirteen years since I last did any hallucinogens (or any drugs stronger than a Vicodin)), I always thought it would be interesting to live with that perspective on a daily basis. I wasn't totally naive though! I knew it would also be exhausting and often confusing in the moments when your perception really skews and you lose all sense of ego or time or place. And it probably wouldn't be as enjoyable without being able to find a peaceful moment where you could reflect on and contemplate your experiences of warped perception. But The Babadook was a well done portrait of just how terrifying madness can be. The end!

That Intermission was brought to you by Power Girl's sound effect (BADABOOOM!) which reminded me of what I watched at three in the morning last night.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn meet up with some residents of Planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They believe Power Girl is "the mother to all." I think that means Vartox has a machine that turns his sperm into people and he extracts his sperm with a special medical device called a "Power Girl Fuck Android."

I bet his teleportation ring is his anal sphincter! Is that too naughty for Amanda, Jimmy, and Justin's little bit naughty book?

Before Power Girl and Harley Quinn can be led to Vartox, they're beset upon by dozens of Odeox's henchmen in hover cycles. Be with us next time when we'll hear Harley say, "Holee Karflippian Toeee, we're skunked!"

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1 Rating: Let's face it. This feels a little lazy. I'm not sure it was worth paying three writers to produce this story about two female superheroes dealing with a planet full of repressed fascists with an unhealthy obsession with quenching some of the best body fluids evolution ever invented. Stephane Roux is killing it on the art though. She should get the biggest cut of the book. I expect next issue's bawdiness will be funny because it's funny and not just funny because it's bawdy. This issue's jokes were not as well crafted as my $3.99 would have expected. There was a horny Yoda which was funny because he was Yoda but horny. There was a love den which was funny because it had lava lamps and 1970s smells which was funny because this generations' grandparents were swingers. One guy was named Mo'zit Blaqhed which was funny because his entire head was covered in zits and then Harley shot it with a gun and popped it like a big zit. Power Girl's camel toe was mentioned which was totally hilarious because she probably would have one, right?! Stupid comic books not being realistic enough to show camel toe. You know Superman and Flash would have pretty major moose knuckles, right? Then a black guy with an afro named Groovicus Mellow appeared to call Power Girl the "foxiest mama in the universe" which was totally hilarious because black people talked that way in the late sixties and seventies! Plus half of his afro was burnt off and he had a beard like Carl Anderson (and everybody else in Jesus Christ Superstar, really). Am I too grown up for a comic book like this?! No, no. The comic book isn't grown up enough for me to completely support it! It needs to be filthier! It needs to go full on Heavy Metal! Or worse! Although I'm having a hard time thinking what would be worse than Heavy Metal. Maybe a cartoon full of naked people but with a soundtrack by Linkin Park and Coldplay?

Secret Origins #4

Three Robin origins across four issues? I want my money back! I want all the money back!

I just watched the trailer for the next Mad Max movie and I ruined my underwear. Then I put on a clean pair of underwear and ruined those too. Now I'm sitting in a pile of ruined underwear and I still can't stop thinking about another Mad Max movie! After watching the trailer, I realize it might be upsetting to have a Mad Max film that uses CGI but you know what? I just don't fucking care. I have already shot that fact in the head and buried it in the backyard inside a tiny little shoebox. Why do I have a tiny little shoebox? Holy shit! The baby!

Okay, now that I've buried two separate things in my backyard, it's time to repress most of this afternoon (but not the Mad Max trailer!) and read me some secret origins!

Harley Quinn
Let's see if I can remember Harley's secret origin. This New York speaking sexy clown in pajamas appeared on a Batman cartoon and everybody lost their shit forever over her. So someone at DC commanded, "Put her in every comic ever made because I love fucking money!" And that's how Harley Quinn was born!

I'm not sure about the New York accent. Maybe she has a Jersey accent? Whatever it is, I can't not hear it when I read any of her speech bubbles. Sometimes I forget she has it and then she'll refer to The Joker as "Mistah J" and there it is all over again, lolling around in my brain pan, stretching out its feet and legs and knocking over every other thought. Hopefully this secret origin story will also clear up where exactly her accent comes from! The secret origin of Harley Quinn's accent!

It's a Brooklyn accent! Um, I knew that! What I don't know is why she's talking into a robot's penis.

Riddle me this, Batfriends!

What's the sound a robot makes when it's coming?
01001111011010000010000001000001011100110110100101101101011011110111011000100001

Most robots can't orgasm because once they discover masturbation, they get caught in an infinite loop and they're totally useless from then on out.

Okay, so this secret origin tale is already off to a great start! I've learned the secret origin of Harley's accent and next I learn the secret origin of Harley's love of proactive psychopaths!

This is the most romantic moment so far in the entire New 52. Who knew I wanted more romance?! Sure, there were some sweet and tender moments in Firestorm, like when Jason and Ronnie married each other in the Zero Issue. But not many others!

Already this Harley Quinn origin has made this issue worth it! It's a treasure trove of facts that may or may not be actual facts, seeing that Harley Quinn is a looney tunes with a penchant for stretching the truth. And I know looney tunes with truth stretching penchants! I see one any time I accidentally glance sidelong into a mirror!

The next super secret origin that gets told is one I really wasn't expecting: the origin of Bernie, Harley Quinn's beaver!

Why is beaver slang for a vagina? Do vaginas have buck teeth and flappy tails? No wait! I know the answer to that because I've seen so many of them in my life you would never believe me if I told you how many! They, um, don't?

My friend Bob's mom used to refer to vaginas as "crickets." I guess she believed they brought good luck.

Harley gets a job blowing the warden at Arkham Asylum which allows her to conduct an experiment on the deranged patients. She would dye her hair and pretend she was a prisoner thus making them, um, think she was a prisoner. It was a radical study and proved that people could dye their hair and pretend to be inmates of a sanitarium. But it didn't convince all of the patients! The Joker knew Harley was a doctor and singled her out. He might have realized she was a doctor when she went up to him and said, "Hey Mistah J! I'm totally a prisoner and stuff. That's kinda whack, hunh?" The Joker, being smarter than most of the other patients, remembered that his doctor talked like that! And she looked like this person if this person only had blonde hair and a white coat! The Joker ain't not Killer Croc! You can't get a fast one past him!

This page might be the origin of the Narration Box. It's hard to tell since I didn't read most of it. I ain't tryin' ta read no actual book!

After her white skin's secret origin, The Joker dumps her and she spends some time screaming in the rain while Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti walk by, obviously in love with each other. After that's over, she becomes her own woman, strong and independent! Except for that one slip up with Deadshot when she called her vagina a clown car. That was awkward.

Harley Quinn Secret Origin Rating: +3 Ranking. Best origin story so far! Maybe it's only the best because she's so fucking adorable as she tells it. And she has a sense of humor! It doesn't matter that the punchline of most of her jokes revolve around corpses. I can forgive most of her murders because she's one of the few upbeat and perky characters in the New 52! Although Power Girl and The Huntress over in Worlds' Finest had a lot of enjoyable moments, like that time Power Girl touched The Huntress's ice cream with her poo fingers. Those girls!

Green Arrow
I pretty much nailed the Harley Quinn secret origin, so let's see how much I remember of Green Arrow's origin. He was a mama's boy rich kid bullshitter who needed to be taught a lesson by daddy. So daddy built an island and then he arranged for his son to fall off the deck of an oil rig while partying and wash up on the island where he'd suffer through many trials and tribulations learning how to be the man his father wanted him to be as opposed to the individual which Oliver actually grew into. Somewhere along the way, Oliver learned how to shoot an arrow really well. Then he got into a fight with Aquaman over a game of Karate Champ and they never spoke again.

Here's a spot of wisdom from one of my dopey friends growing up: "Bailing only leads to the big payoff!" -- Larry Trantham. I always felt unbroken bones were better than payoffs, so I never earned one. Although that never stopped me from bailing constantly! I think Larry's wisdom was bullshit!

That year on the way to camp, Ollie's limo crashed into an island where a tribe of BMXers lived. And the only way to earn food was to jump a series of complicated jumps on a dirt bike. By the end of the summer, Ollie had learned to ride a bike so well that he jumped off the island and onto a passing ferry where his father was waiting for him with a prostitute. Ollie spent the entire ride home bunny hopping her because he didn't know what to do with his ding dong in relation to her cup cake.

Realizing that his kid needed extra help to not quit every thing he ever tried, Dad Queen immediately set about building an island based on Road Warrior where Ollie would learn to drive.

Eventually Oliver learned to stop quitting things because he was sick of being stranded on islands every summer. But he still had one last island to be stranded on! The big island with all the secrets and his father in a mask trying to prove to his son that he can be a proper heir. Wouldn't business school have been easier?

So are we all in agreement that his Ann Nocenti days were a series of hallucinations brought on by bad sushi, and that Oliver Queen never actually went bankrupt? Yeah? Okay, great!

Green Arrow Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't think this secret origin had anything in it that wasn't in any of his previous regular New 52 issues save for the part where his dad tells him to never stop fighting. I guess it's nice that his dad had one conversation with Ollie and that it was something worth remembering. What if the only conversation he'd had with him had been, "Don't piss on the floor, asshole." I suppose, with that advice, he'd still grow up to be a deadeye.

Robin (Damian Wayne Version)
I don't know anything about Damian Wayne's origin. Talia drugged Batman so that he'd foolishly have unprotected sex and come inside the test tube she had stuffed inside her vagina. Then she used Batman's semen to fertilize one of her eggs, grew Damian in a glass bubble, and raised him until about the age of nine when he started getting mouthy. That's when she decided he should spend some time with his father. Right about when he was getting accustomed to life with Bruce, Bruce got himself killed (presumably not by Darkseid in The New 52 because I think the only real encounter New Earth has had with Darkseid was in the first Justice League story arc). Then Damian palled around with Dick and learned that fighting crime could be fun, so when Bruce reappeared and tried to be a dad again, Damian was pissed. Somehow that eventually led to Alfred forgetting to suggest a rope which allowed Damian to go off and get himself killed. I might have glossed over a few key points but fuck it. You all know the story better than I do! Probably. If you don't, my synopsis is damn well good enough!

What's with always hanging criminals from lampposts? Didn't Spider-man invent that?

Did Damian never actually play the part of Robin until he teamed up with Nightwing? I have some serious missed reading to catch up on! Why were interesting Batman comic books being written during my Long Hiatus?

Alfred catches up Nightwing on Damian's history while making it known at every possible opportunity that he thinks the kid is a righteous little shit. Calling in a big brother figure was probably the best move he could have made even if he didn't consider the move to be anything more than finding somebody else to deal with the bastard.

Nightwing delivers a note from Bruce stating that Damian has earned the honor of wearing the Robin suit. Which I guess means that Nightwing automatically gets to wear the Batman suit.

It was all Alfred's plan so he can enjoy the evenings in peace and quiet. Let fucking Dick deal with the little fuckface.

Damian Wayne Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking I appreciate that, after Batman died, Alfred's main goal with Damian was to get him under control somehow, and that it was Alfred's idea to stick Damian in the Robin guise while training under Nightwing. I haven't read any of the Preboot stories with Dick as Batman and Damian as Robin but it just seems like such a great pairing, especially to help teach Damian to act human. Dick is the kind of guy that doesn't have anything to prove, so Damian's rebellions and taunts simply amuse Dick. I really need to pick up those old issues because I think I'd love Dick as Batman. I can't even imagine a well-balanced, fairly happy Batman that treats the cowl as a job as opposed to an obsession. Back in the eighties and nineties, I could barely stand Dick Grayson. But since I've been back to reading comic books with The New 52, he's quite possibly my favorite character. And I like him extra special when Peter J. Tomasi is writing him.

Harley Quinn #4

What's so funky about this family? Also pretend I came up with a really funny spork joke.

Hey people reading this? Did you know at the bottom of this page is a Disqus Commentary Application? It's a nifty way to tell me how much I suck, if you're into that sort of thing. I imagine some people are into that because some people are also into hearing about how much they suck. Really into it. Also really into it. And possibly really into it as well. I assure you that I am not one of those people! I definitely do not read comments about how much my comic book blog sucks with my boxers around my ankles. Mostly because that's so restrictive! With a pair of boxers around your ankles, how are you supposed to get one leg up over the table with the other spread out in the opposite direction to expose the full glory of the arousal currently on display?! Again, not that I'd know anything about this nor do I have an account at CamWankers.com. Don't be disgusting. I barely even know you so all of this information is purely hypothetical. Unless you follow me at CamWankers.com! Then just let me say: "Hi mom!"

Harley is headed back to work this issue which means she has to cover herself in Reverse Clown Make-up. That might just be normal make-up. Although if that's true, I just implied that women that wear make-up do so because they look like clowns when they crawl out of bed in the morning. Although if all clowns looked like Harley Quinn, we'd probably have more instances of coulrophilia than coulrophobia. And Stephen King's It would have been pornographic. Although I suppose it could already be considered child pornography since a bunch of twelve year old kids have a gang bang in the sewers.

Sorry, I didn't mean to spoil part of the ending to It for anybody that hasn't read it. But don't let the knowledge that the book has a gang bang featuring elementary school children turn you off from reading it if you haven't. It is a weird and uncomfortable scene and I always felt it was an awkward bit even though I understood why it was there. After having defeated It, the children become hopelessly lost in the sewers. The only way out, the only escape from the horror of Pennywise, is to leave childhood and childish innocence behind. They must escape into the world of adults; a world that doesn't have room for the true horror of a creature like Pennywise the Clown. And apparently the only way to metaphorically make that transition when you're lost in the sewers is to have Beverly fuck everyone. Although I don't know why the guys couldn't have fucked each other as well. Why place the entire burden on Beverly's young vagina? I guess if King felt he had to keep it hetero, a few guys could have fucked her in the ass.

Speaking of fucked in the ass. That's apparently how Harley likes it! DC should sell these bullseye-on-the-ass panties.

Harley's new job is counseling elderly residents at a nursing home. And by counseling, I mean listening to them whine about their ungrateful progeny that never visit enough and can't spend their entire lives reminding their parents how much they love them. I'm so happy I chose not to have children so I won't be a burden to them! Instead, I'll be a burden to other people's children! But at least they'll be getting paid for dealing with me and have no obligations to pretend they still love me. Now I only wish I'd had the opportunity to choose not to have parents! Oh, what a grand life it could have been!

Harley seems to take her patient's problems on as her own. When an elderly lady mentions how her child doesn't visit enough (as all elderly ladies are wont to do no matter how many times their children visit), Harley decides to go have some words with the family. Those words will probably be "smash" and "punch" and "kick" and "gratuitous violence."

At the family home, we get more masturbation jokes.

Why the fuck have Connor and Palmiotti decided to invade my wheelhouse?!

Harley proceeds to teach the woman's family a lesson about acting rashly without first getting both sides of the story. Unless she's teaching herself that lesson and she's teaching the family a lesson about better home security. I bet the mother was an abusive drunk that used to host masturbation parties in the house while daddy hid away in the basement on his special project concerning big metal drums and local cheerleaders while her son lay naked and strapped to the coffee table as punishment for reading one of the lewder psalms in The Bible.

Harley decides the best course of action is to kidnap the entire family and bring them in to visit mother. If it wasn't such a cliche plot point, I'd guess she kidnapped the wrong Rubenstein family. As I kind of pointed out a little bit before, Harley didn't really do a whole lot of research on the old woman's story or the old woman herself. But that's like Bugs Bunny time story telling! This is the Modern Era! This is the era of big twists in big budget movies that are ruined because the trailer always mentions that you won't believe the twist which means you can practically figure out the twist before you even spend any money on a ticket.

Before Harley gets the family back to the Retirement Center, she takes a moment to reenact a scene from an old science fiction movie.

Earlier, Harley mentions fries prove the existence of God. Fries do not prove the existence of God. They prove the existence of the Culinary Sciences! If you can call dropping potatoes into boiling oil "culinary."

After killing another bounty hunter, Harley heads over to catch a roller derby match but arrives too late. The team lost. So to make it up to them, she runs over the entire opposing team before heading back to the old folks' home. I don't think she seriously hurt any of them because that might get the attention of Batman (even if he is way over there in Gotham. You know, about twenty or thirty yards away).

Oh. Um. Actually, Harley doesn't take the family to the retirement home to visit Ida Rubenstein at all. She takes them to the pier where she has them bound and gagged and then knocks them into the water one at a time.

Sad Trombone!

Oh yes! Alzheimer's! Nature's greatest punch line! I might have guessed that was what was really going on but it's such a depressing twist that I, a completely upbeat and perky person, would never naturally have come up with it! Stupid Harley! I hope she learned that lesson that I mentioned she was going to teach herself!

The family wind up being okay, so Harley heads back to work to have her final meeting with Mr. Sporky McTargeteye. Mr. Sporky McTargeteye's real name is Sy Borgman better known as Syborg! So that's almost as good as Sporky McTargeteye, I guess. Anyway, he's old and tired and needs help catching some international spies that have been on the run for like fifty years or something. So he asks Harley Quinn to serve her country by helping him take out the targets he's going to give her!

I guess Harley didn't learn that lesson she was teaching herself. Oh well. Crazy is as crazy does!

Harley Quinn #4 Rating: +3 Ranking. Fun and beautiful! Even if it wasn't very good (which it wasn't! I mean, it wasn't wasn't very good! Meaning it was good!), I'd still give it a positive ranking simply for Harley Quinn wanting to help every old person who utters a word no matter how ridiculous the word is. And then to stand up majestically like Captain America about to take on the Nazis and proudly proclaim, "Let's do this thing!" Magnificent! It would only have been better if she'd said, "Let's do the thing!" But still very good. Delicious.

Harley Quinn #2

Is this some kind of pet store Hunger Games?

I visit a pet store once a month to clean the floors and it's never been like this. Of course, the cats are kept separate from the dogs and the dogs are kept separate from the parrots and the parrots are kept separate from the fish and the fish are kept separate from the rats and the rats are kept separate from the ferrets and the ferrets are kept separate from the spiders and the spiders are kept separate from the rabbits which are not kept separate from the guinea pigs. So with all of this separation, why are the guinea pigs and bunny rabbits advanced enough to engage in integration? I think it's because they have the same basic temperament. They're kept in a big square open air arena that I call the Panic Pit. Because if just one single creature in that pit feels it's about to die for any fucking Goddamned reason, it scurries to the far corner causing a stampede of fuzzy to follow it into the corner where each little creature attempts to hide under each other little creature. Because as a tiny prey animal, your only hope of survival is the predator's belly full of your friends.

Oh! I made a mix tape for you! Actually, I made it for my cousin but I'm giving it to all of you as well. It's called Revolution 101--Songs to Occupy By. I'm just going to give you the playlist though. You'll have to gather the songs together yourself and put them on a tape and make a cool tape cover and then feel special when it's all done and you pretend I just gave it to you. Here's the playlist:

1. "Who Do You Think We Are?" -- Alice Cooper
2. "Future Boys" -- Electric Six
3. "The Meek Shall Inherit" -- Little Shop of Horrors Soundtrack
4. "I'm Only Sleeping" -- The Beatles
5. "Agenda Suicide" -- The Faint
6. "There's More To Life Than This" -- Björk
7. "Gotta Give the Peeps What They Need" -- Public Enemy
8. "Shame on You" -- Indigo Girls
9. "Paper Planes" -- M.I.A.
10. "The Meaning of Life" -- Monty Python
11. "Performance Art" -- Sifl and Olly
12. "Hazy Shade of Winter" -- The Bangles
13. "Mommy and Daddy" -- The Monkees
14. "The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" -- XTC
15. "Walk or Ride" -- The Ditty Bops
16. "Piggies" -- The Beatles
17. "The Fear" -- Lily Allen
18. "A Battle Hymn for Children" -- The Faint
19. "Beautiful Flyaway" -- Alice Cooper
20. "Give a Reason" -- Slayers Soundtrack
21. "The Wild and The Young" -- Quiet Riot
22. "Rainbow Connection" -- Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

This gives a detailed example of my version of revolution. It contains equal hints of apathy, and righteous anger at the status quo's and oppressive institutions' attitudes, and eventual optimism in the strength of the individual to choose their own way. Apathy is very important to revolution. To really change things, you have to not care. Not about your own life, of course! You just don't give a shit about the institution or what the culture or society expects of you. You don't allow assholes to constantly put you in a defensive position. You just do what you believe is right or what you feel makes you comfortable. Live the way you want society to be. Don't live by society's values and try to change things as you're playing the game. Don't fucking play the game. Ignore the game. As the kids probably don't say, "You do you."

I had very explicit reasons for each song I put on the compilation but since those reasons have nothing to do with Harley Quinn, I'll skip them. For now! But I'll probably need something more to talk about in my next commentary! Anyway, on to Harley Quinn!

If you're only interested in what happened in this month's Harley Quinn, start here!

The issue begins with Harley dry humping the Joker Wax Figure in her Museum of Murder!

You know it's not really The Joker because he isn't belittling or smacking Harley. Also, he has his face. Also also, I don't think it was meant to fool anybody. Also also also, also.

Also also also also, the first panel on the next page is an exact representation of my sentence preceding the previous scanned image.

The dark figure in the doorway is Madame Macabre. She runs the House of Murder. And she is probably on the Roller Derby team.

While Harley is out doing some shopping for a fridge to keep the bodies of all the assassins that come after her but wind up dead by mysterious circumstances instead, she passes by a pet adoption agency that murders kittens. They also euthanize puppies but I'm okay with that. Fuck puppies! The only thing they're good for is to warm your feet. But even then, I never know what to do with all the organs I scooped out so that my feet fit snugly inside.

But Harley has a place with one whole floor that's wide open! It can be a pet sanctuary where the mongeese and the cobras and the kittens and the raccoons and the goats run free! She speaks with some of the picketers holding signs that say things like "Catnaps not Dirtnaps" and "Kill People Not Animals." But my favorite sign of them all is "Let us pet them!"

Harley is not allowed to adopt any animals because the lady that runs the place would rather kill them than let Harley crazy love them. It might be because Harley describes herself as a "nuturer." Was she trying to say "nurturer?" Or "neuterer?" Or "nuttier?" Or "Nuttelaer?" It doesn't really matter because she's just so adorable when she says it with her tongue sticking out of the side of her mouth.

Harley decides to call over a friend later that night to help liberate the animals from death row.

Oh! I know what she loves better than plants! Fucking professors for good grades!

Poison Ivy comes for a visit and almost accidentally has sex with Harley due to the word beaver being slang for vagina for some reason. I wonder if Davy Crockett came up with that term? He's the only guy I know that probably ever felt a beaver pelt and a vagina at the same time. Also the only guy to fuck a beaver. So he would know if a beaver and a vagina were practically the same thing.

Once Poison Ivy realizes she's only reliving the stuffed beaver joke from The Naked Gun movies, she turns her concentration on the Great Animal Prison Escape Plan. The Plan winds up working really well and all the animals run free! Right out into the city streets, leaving Harley and Ivy to hunt them down.

I guess one dog was an amputee.

While hunting down the dogs, Harley has a hit-and-run-in with a hit-and-run-man. The guy must be the weakest asshole on the planet because after Harley kicks his ass, she ties him up with sausage links. I'm fairly certain I could tear myself free from sausage links and I'm a weakling! And even if I couldn't, I could eat my way through them. Maybe this hitman is a strict vegan. And he'd rather die at Harley's hands than eat through his meat bindings. He's no hypocrite! Except, well, he seemed to be trying to kill Harley. Is it okay to be vegan and still kill humans? Because fuck humans, right?

Apparently the birds and cats went one way when the animals escaped and the dogs went the other. Seems like the logical thing to do. I don't know what the fucking hamsters did. Probably ran off to bite someone in the thumb and be a total dick about it.

I cannot fathom why someone would buy a hamster over a rat. Fucking hamsters are stupid assholes. Rats are loving and smart and curious. Hamsters are fuzzy piranhas pretending to be cute.

Harley puts all the dogs on the third floor and feeds them the assassin. The kittens get to live in the sink while the birds and cats live wherever the fuck they please. The next morning, Harley awakens to find that Ivy has already left but she didn't go without giving Harley a present. She's turned the entire third floor into a garden and dog park. Danzig comes by with his friend Rodney who is part dog and offers to help Harley fix the place up so the dogs have somewhere to shit other than all over the apartment. And meanwhile, some voyeur that needs to be hand fed watches Harley from a room across the street. Probably one of the old people in the place that Harley applied to work as a counselor.

Harley Quinn #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic is fun and whimsical and it has Pam and Harley hanging out in their underwear. I mean, it has them being adorable friends who just happen to also be completely psychotic. Plus animals that eat hitmen. Who needs refrigeration when you've got a bunch of animals that aren't very picky eaters.