Catwoman #33

HOLY GOD IN HEAVEN WHEN IS ANN NOCENTI GOING TO RETIRE?!

Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Yet Another List of Ann Nocenti's Bullshit

1. Catwoman begins the issue upset with Roulette because her Race of Thieves was garbage. Also because it was fixed. And even though Catwoman should have won enough money to retire for the rest of her life and never write another shitty comic book ever again because she bet on a 100 to 1 long shot and won, Catwoman still insists on ruining Roulette's life. Why? Because she fixed a race, dammit! She held a contest and broke trust with the contestants by rigging it? It was a contest for thieves! If there's is one thing I know about thieves, there is no honor amongst them! It's like their main commandment! Thou shalt not have honor! Who is Catwoman to come around and change that?! She knew the contest wasn't going to be fair from the beginning and now she's more pissed off than she's ever been in her life because she found out it was true?! She used the fixing of the race to her advantage!

Catwoman is really pissing me off right now!

2. Catwoman ruins a computer monitor because, like a cat, she can't tell reality from images on a screen and she thinks she just defeated Question Mark Face.

3. Did any of this ever even happen?! Roulette never gained Catwoman's trust! Catwoman never thought she was going crazy! Catwoman hasn't given up any information unless Roulette's entire plan was to throw a fake Race of Thieves so that Catwoman would solve the mystery of the old dead Countess. Although why would Roulette specifically target Catwoman for that plan since Catwoman has never been known for her ability to solve cold cases up until now? And how the fuck did Alice Tesla figure all of this out simply because there were gaslights at the beginning of the race?!

Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman

Alice Tesla mentions a thing and then defines that thing. She defines it across several short, staccato sentences. Catwoman looks off into the distance and mentions the thing that Alice first mentioned but in different terms. Alice Tesla agrees and then adds a bit of information that doesn't have anything to do with anything else. Catwoman smirks. She says a thing. She says the thing a different way. She comes to a conclusion that's a half-processed idiom.

End Scene!

3. As in...the length of a National Hockey League season!? If I suddenly found myself pregnant and didn't want to cause a scandal, I think I'd take a trip that lasted shorter or longer than nine months. You think she would have waited until she was starting to show before leaving for her trip? Maybe she did but then, like a moron, stayed on an extra three or four months after giving up the baby to a strange Transylvanian Countess.

4. Selina asks Gillbrite a question which he answers by answering another question and then continues to string together sentences with no actual relation to each other.

5. Who says that? People say that? I don't think anybody says that. Also some kid is playing frisbee with a wolf. Also also Gillbrite didn't fucking unleash anything! He found some more information about an old case. I don't think it's going to threaten the Omniverse.

I know just because I've never heard a saying that it doesn't mean the saying doesn't exist! I first learned the phrase "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" when I played Infocom's Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head Or Tail Of It. Not a week later, I was in Las Vegas playing Paigow. An old man sitting next to me picks up his cards, chuckles, shows them to me, and says, "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!" That old guy became my best friend for the next few hours.

6. Catwoman confronts Hunt Stone about his plan to use her for whatever he used her for. I guess since he didn't know how to manipulate the World's Greatest Detective, the next best person to manipulate was the World's Greatest Detective's Fuck Buddy. Hopefully somebody will explain how the Race of Thieves became the front for getting Catwoman to solve a cold case that Hunt Stone didn't actually want solved.

7. Why are we four issues into the Race of Thieves and nobody has commented on the fact that Hunt Stone's head is on fire?

8. Luckily Catwoman and Hunt Stone have a battle in which they summarize the essential bits of the story instead of concentrating on the punching and the biting. I think it calls for another Scene!

Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman

"I know what you seek, Hunt!" mrowled Catwoman accusatorily!

"You know what a cunt sees?" questioned Hunt confusitationally.

"When you heard about the dig under the Viceroy Manor, you panicked," explained Catwoman to the readers that weren't quite sure why Hunt would care about any of this since he was just a descendant of the servant that was willed all of Viceroy's money and what did a centuries old murder have to do with any of that? Especially when Viceroy Manor was loaded with riches that the servant didn't get that the Viceroy's children and children's descendants could have claimed. It seemed like a lot of bother for nothing. The Race of Thieves was a stupid idea but it would have been better if it wasn't just the cover for some paranoid asshat that was afraid that his great grandfather would suddenly be accused of murder even though there was no evidence for it at all.

"Do you want I should explain how the whole Race of Thieves came about so that we could, um, I don't know. Tamper with evidence, I guess? Is that the best connection I have between the Race of Thieves and hiring somebody to crack the cold case and then bury the evidence that he finds so that...wait, why did I do that again?" stumbled Hunt Mason. Unless his name was something else. "Anyway, if only you had arrived moments earlier, you would have had me dead to rights. But for what, I don't know. Burning evidence that proves that the original coroner's report and investigation were true? Why would that matter? What's going on here? Where am I?"

"You were busy burning the evidence that would have exonerated, not implicated, your fine stonemason. You were the rightful heir of the Viceroy fortune all along. You had nothing to fear from the crime scene," explains away Catwoman as if the rest of the story somehow made sense and Ann Nocenti didn't just realize that it's all stupid crap.

"Oh woes me! Or something! I should have read the report before burning it! And I should have never done anything at all! Mother always said my paranoia would get the best of me! Unless she didn't ever say that and it was just the paranoia talking," fainted Hunt Thompson. "Why is my head on fire?" he finished.

End Scene!

9. So that the Gotham Police Department doesn't charge him with tampering with the evidence of a two hundred year old crime scene, Hunt Stone gives up some information about Roulette to Catwoman. As if the Gotham Police would care! And anyway, Catwoman did more tampering with evidence than Hunt Mason did! She stole love letters and tramped around the crime scene on stealthy kitty paws! All Hunt Mason did was burn some evidence reports which were sent to him by a private investigator which means they were his reports anyway!

10. I have a theory! Ann Nocenti is a multi-dimensional creature that can't exist in linear time so she's just guessing at the way stories are told and people act! Reality makes as much sense to her as her comic book plots make to us!

11. Hunt Stone tells Catwoman what Roulette does in a day. Luckily for Catwoman, Roulette is an "extreme OCD Neurotic" which means the details Stone gave Catwoman will help Catwoman take revenge on Roulette any day of the week!

12. Roulette is an odd name and fixation for somebody with extreme OCD. How do people with OCD fare with devices that give out random iterations of things?

13. Roulette's Narration Box symbol is a pair of dice. Because that makes little sense. Pure Nocenti! Even if it is the fault of the artists and/or letterers.

14. Catwoman's first act of revenge is to add ten pounds to Roulette's bench press. Maniacal!

15. Catwoman's second act of revenge is to throw a mechanical octopus in the pool that almost drowns Roulette. The purpose is to make Roulette think that she imagined whatever it was that almost drowned her in the same way that Data imagined that Octopus in Goonies. The problem with this act of revenge meant to make her question her sanity is that the art tells a different story where Roulette would have to be a fucking stupid jizzbag to not realize she actually was attacked by some mechanical contraption.

16. Roulette refers to the bench press machine as a "death trap" because she couldn't finish her last rep. Lawsuits for everyone!

17. Catwoman puts on a chauffeur's cap. The perfect disguise!

18. Catwoman ruins one of Roulette's business deals with a plan that rivals the extra weight trick and the perfect disguise! She sends a couple of thugs to Roulette's business meeting and have them say, "We're, uh, duh, uh, wit' Rolo or sometin'?" The Chinese casino owner shouts, "No deal!"

19. Finally Catwoman shows up to punch Roulette in the face and declare herself the winner of the Race of Thieves! She can haz trophy?

Well, she is an "extreme OCD neurotic." I suppose she'd be okay with that as long as every day was exactly the same.

20. At the end, Selina remembers all the other characters in the story and how she defeated them. She says of Hunter S. Mason: "Any time I want, I can put you in jail." What? Why?! I already pointed out why you can't! So he hired Roulette to run a contest. Big deal! And he hired a private investigator to investigate a two hundred year old murder and then burned the file that contained everything the private investigator learned. You broke more laws by stealing those letters, you Froot Loop Dingus!

Catwoman #33 Rating: -2 Ranking. I know I already have this comic book ranked at 52 out of 52 but it's so bad that it needs to be ranked even lower. It is now 54 out of 52! And there aren't even currently 52 books in The New 52! This book is a stinker! It's also one of my favorite to write about!

Catwoman #32

Who is the Mysterious Fireface?! To find out, you'll need to slog through twenty pages of complete nonsense!

Last issue, I decided it was taking too long to comment on Ann Nocenti's story like an actual critic critiquing actual writing. And since Ann Nocenti's writing isn't technically writing, I decided to just start listing all of the weird and incomprehensible things going on in The Race of Thieves! I may also interrupt the list for a nice bit of Scenes From Ann Nocenti. Ready? On your go! MARK!

Another List of Ann Nocenti’s Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

1. Funny enough, I accidentally guessed how Nocenti would begin the issue. Sure, it's a "race" so why wouldn't it start with an on your mark type of gunshot deal. But I'd forgotten this part of the competition was going to be a literal race.

2. To prove who is the best thief in the world, the thieves compete in a Wacky Race. None of them question this.

3. Vegas is running odds on the winner of the Race of Thieves. I suppose this isn't that odd since Vegas bookmakers will run bets on anything. But this is some kind of clandestine, invitation-only, outside of the law competition! Did Roulette hold a press conference at the Rio before sending out the puzzle box invites?

4. I guess Roulette is participating in this race? She's on a bullet train to the end of the line while the other racers try to drive through sandy terrain to beat her.

5. Mirror Master owns a rocket ship?

6. Rat-tail (woo woo!) has suddenly entered the competition and even though the race is straight along some tracks, he rides his motorcycle across the front of a tank and some kid named Big Wheel's truck. He's worse at driving than he is at doing his hair.

7. Rat-tail winds up in Catwoman's car even though the positions of all the vehicles make no sense for him to be able to hop to her car when his motorcycle is run over.

8. Catwoman decides to tell Rat-tail about her new job as an undercover coroner with the Gotham Police.

9. Coroner Bill don't believe in none of your highfalutin, modern day CSI nonsense!

10. Coroner Bill actually says "Jeesums." Just in case you weren't sure he was an ornery son of a gun what ain't got no time for all these computer doohickeys!

11. Catwoman and Mirror Master have no trouble conversing while racing. Perhaps Sam Scudder has gotten good at hearing things he shouldn't be able to hear so he can respond to The Flash's super speed one-liners.

12. Oh! That's what I've been doing wrong all these years of gambling! The smart money is to bet on the long shot! Shucks!

13. I think "stay on your wheels" is better advice than "don't use fuel." It's a fifty mile course! Who's going to be dumb enough to run out of fuel?!

14. I suppose he did have to drive all the way to this desert in South Asia on one tank.

15. Some smart-assed Asian guy points out the idiot that didn't refuel should have been using a camel because "their tanks never run dry." Piss off, old man!

16. An Interpol helicopter begins firing missiles at the contestants and Catwoman correctly guesses that the hearse in the race is asking for it just before it blows up. Why was the hearse asking for it? Where does she get such lovely intuition?

17. While missiles are flying all around them, Rat-tail (woo woo!) asks Catwoman to continue her story about Coroner Bill and his rival.

18. Catwoman notices details the other coroners missed. Like how the corpse of Rita's ancestor is missing a finger. She has such attention to detail!

19. If the family fortune still exists? I suppose he's talking about money other than all the priceless artifacts they found buried beneath the family home and frozen in blocks of ice. Also, I think every line of Coroner Bill's is supposed to be followed by a laugh track.

20. The missing ring finger was taken by Coroner Bill so he could solve the case and prove that gruffness and ill-temper are better tools for solving murders than gadgets and gizmos!

Scenes From Ann Nocenti's Catwoman: Scene Three

Catwoman needed to do some investigating. She was in a race but it was not a race against time because she had plenty of time to do some investigating on the side. She wanted to investigate Hunt Stone's house. "Gee," she thought ballooned, "Hunt Stone's billions are what we are racing for. Not because he wants to give them away but because he must because his child has been kidnapped. I will break into his mansion and do my investigating to prove that he doesn't have a child. I mean, to find his missing child. But I might find his child is not missing because he does not have one! The mystery will thicken!"

Catwoman cut a tiny hole in a window of Hunt Stone's Mansion. It was very small but since it was big enough to get her head through, it was big enough to get the rest of her cat body through as well. The first thing she investigated were the chairs. There was only one in each room! "A-ha!" she extrapolated. "Where did Hunt Stone sit if there were only one chair for his child? I must investigate further!" Next she looked in his photo album that he kept on a table in the hallway. It did not have any photos in it! "This mystery is so thick!" she exclaimed.

Next, Catwoman investigated the bed. "Hmm," she thought. "That is quite a big bed. But do not get me wrong when I say it is big because it is only big enough for one man without any room left for a child. I think I am beginning to solve this mystery!" But first Catwoman remembered something her coroner friend said. He said, "Dust is made of skin flakes." That meant she would collect a bag of skin flakes to perform DNA on them! And the DNA would say, "These flakes have 0% chance of being from a child!" That would really help to solve her mystery! But she thought she still wanted a smoking gun because those always blow cases wide open. So she investigated the creepy baby death mask. "Who could have made this?" she thought! But she knew she could find out the answers because of fingerprints! Her investigations were a success! Now she would just have to go to the lab and process her fingerprints and her DNAs. Good job, Catwoman! That was me, the narrator, congratulating her on her job well done. Or done well enough.

End Scene.

21. There is no possible way that this is a person in a disguise.

22. Catwoman causes the Interpol helicopter to crash. But she does it in the safest way possible so that everybody in it can survive.

23. The Interpol helicopter was actually Vice and Swindle. They argue about how they were getting paid by Roulette to kill the other racers. Catwoman hears them from one hundred feet away while racing at a hundred miles per hour.

24. The finish of the race makes no sense. I'm not surprised because the beginning of the race made no sense. Nothing made any sense. I suppose you don't buy an Ann Nocenti book hoping for a coherent story.

25. Here's how the race finished. Roulette's train was about to cross the finish line so Catwoman grapples it and climbs on top to squat on her knees and scream, "Yes!" Then Mirror Master decides to stop before crossing the finish line to throw up a mirror to stop the train because the engineer would think another train just like his suddenly appeared on the track. That doesn't work and the train crashes into the mirror anyway. Catwoman dismounts (having done her job. I think?) and asks Mirror Master if he got the girl. He says "Yes" instead of "What girl?" I suppose they're talking about Roulette. Alvarez and Keyes were also in the race because they decided investigating a race in South Asia was important to justice in Gotham. And finally the bearded guy in the dune buggy won because he was the only one left and he paid off 100 to 1. And since betting on the long shot is the smart money, he's who Catwoman bet on!

26. Rat-tail (woo woo!), Catwoman, and Mirror Master board Roulette's train to steal the prize money because of course it would be on the train. But it's not. And neither are Roulette or the engineer! So I guess it wasn't Roulette that Catwoman was talking about to Mirror Master. So who the hell was she talking about?!

Catwoman #32 Rating: No change. It's now the worst comic book of The New 52 because Johns and Romita are turning Superman around and making it interesting! And enjoyable! But this book? Holy fuck, my brain hurts.

Catwoman #30

And now here they are! The most daredevil group of bungling burglars to ever twist their picks in the Race of Thieves competing for the title of the World's Wackiest Burglar. The thieves are approaching the starting line. First is the hostess of the race, Roulette. Oh, and here's the lovely Catwoman, the glamor gal of the Batman. And right on her tail is Volt. And there's the Central City Chuggabug with Glider and Mirror Master. Sneaking along last is the Blue Crew with those double detective do-gooders, Carlos Alvarez and his sidekick, Tammy Keyes. And even now, they're up to some legal trick. And...they're off...to a standing start. And why not? They've been handcuffed to a post by shifty Detective Alvarez who shifts into the wrong gear. And away they go on the way out Race of Thieves!

Don't you wish all employers could be as trusting, loyal, and faithful as DC Comics? Just imagine if your doctor didn't know what any of his surgical instruments were called and often mistook the liver for the pancreas while spouting old wives tales and folk medicine as the means to cure you of your ills? And no matter how many patients died at the hands of this incompetent buffoon, wouldn't it be sweet if the hospital continued to employ him, month after month, trusting that he'll eventually get it right? That's a world I'd like to live in! A world where everybody sucked at their job and nobody was ever fired! Somehow that world exists for Ann Nocenti alone! Except she's the doctor if you didn't follow my analogy very well because you're of limited, Disciple-type intelligence.

The most miraculous thing about Jesus Christ is that he didn't just give the fuck up in the face of incompetence! His only disciple smart enough to see what was happening and understand Jesus's message was Judas! Maybe if the others had understood, they would have helped Judas try to stop the maniac!

This issue begins with Selina Kyle burning the Catwoman suit because she never wants to be Catwoman again!

I think Ann Nocenti just finally realized that she has no idea how to write Catwo Man, so she's decided to start over!

Hey Selina Kyle! YOU ARE CATWOMAN! You're the idiot making the decisions that are hurting your life! You know who you should really get rid of? Ann Nocenti! She's the real problem!

And now, Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman!

Catwoman...no, I, the omniscient narrator, would have to stop thinking like that. Selina Kyle. That's how I meant to start. Selina Kyle stood in the dark alley amidst the urine puddles, and the bums passed out in the urine puddles, and the bums creating urine puddles after they've passed out, smelling the acrid stench of motorcycles popping wheelies. No motorcycles were currently popping wheelies and, let's face it, even if they were, they probably wouldn't be creating the smell of burning rubber that Selina Kyle was associating with popping wheelies on Catwoman's motorcycle. Maybe if she were doing doughnuts or exhibitioning her speed, she'd smell the smell she's smelling now that's being created by the burning of her Catwoman costume. Behind her, a man with a head injury and the kid from mask stood by their own fire, burning their hands off at the wrists. A mother and child rummaged through a nearby dumpster, the child throwing a tantrum because her mother wouldn't let her have the large cardboard box with the Amazon address label. "You know we can only afford the small first class post office mailing box, honey." Her mother was a model of restraint in her moth and rat and possibly homeless person eaten sweater.

The memory of her motorcycle caused Selina Kyle to, yet again, think of Catwoman as a separate entity from herself. The registration may have been in Selina Kyle's name but the bike had cute little cat ears over the headlight which meant it actually belonged to Catwoman. And if Selina Kyle was going to get her life back together, she was going to have to sell the bike for scrap metal. Sure, she could probably sell it on Gotham Craiglist but somebody might notice the cat ears and guess her secret identity. Safer to just demolish the bike completely.

"Hey gorgeous. You free?" Selina turned to see a plumber in a dirty car, made even dirtier from the blood of the bums he'd just run over as he trundled through the crowded alley, leer at her from underneath his Gotham Knights baseball cap.

"Me? Get lost," she said dispassionately. Selina was shocked. She was taken aback. She couldn't believe her cat ears. I mean, her human ears! Here she was in one of Gotham's dirtiest alleys dressed in only a low cut trench coat with six inch heels and some guy thought she was a streetwalker that would give it away for free? Can't he see this is a Coach Bag and a Burberry Coat with Manolo Blahnik pumps? "Creep," she thought, calculating how much she would have fucked him for as she ducked into the smelliest, dirtiest, foulest gym in all of Gotham. "Catwoman would train in a fancy place! And I'm Selina Kyle!"

End Scene One

Later Selina Kyle, trying to distance herself from the persona of Catwoman, adopts about twelve cats for her apartment. She also wonders what kind of writer would write a thief who lives in a penthouse apartment that's simply one big window. Oh, don't think of it that way, Selina! Think of it as wanting a 360 degree view of Gotham so you can catch sight of Batman while practicing playing the double sided diamond studded dildo.

No, Selina. Catwoman stole library books. Anyway, was that copy of Leaves of Grass based on the action packed adventure movie?

Selina Kyle is still working for the suicide hotline where she worked during Gothtopia. I wonder if Ann Nocenti realizes Gothtopia is over? Is this Selina's reaction to Batman telling her he doesn't want to stroke her fur any longer? She's just going to throw everything away and turn back toward her fake life that she dreamt up while under the Scarecrow's drugs? That sounds reasonable!

Excuse me, I got a fact wrong earlier. Selina is working for the Gotham Police Crime Hotline! It just seemed like a suicide prevention call center because she took the job during Gothtopia when the only "crime" was suicide. Anyway, Selina heads back to that job where all of her office mates apparently have nothing to fucking do but stand around and listen to Selina do her job incorrectly.

Why is she answering "friend speaking" on a crime hotline? I think she still thinks she's doing suicide prevention or abuse counseling!

I love how Selina's office mates high five and celebrate as Selina solves crimes over the telephone. Or they think she does! Instead the guy pulls the old twisteroo on Selina and kills himself using her words against her! Ha ha! In your face, Not Catwoman! Now you're hurting people no matter what persona you've chosen! Is this going to drive you back into Catwoman's arms?! One warning: Catwoman's arms currently smell like popping wheelies on your motorcycle.

Selina recognized the voice on the phone, so instead of telling the police in the other room to head to the address of her friend Gwen who might be dying of a gunshot, Selina races from the building and runs across a bunch of rooftops to get to Gwen. Luckily Gwen is a lousy shot and missed her face nine times, judging by the amount of shells on the ground. I guess Gwen has become so broke from Catwoman not fencing stolen products through her that she decided to end it all.

I guess the ten women she works with are too dowdy and supportive to think of as friends.

Gwen, being a true and disloyal rat of a fink of a friend, talks Selina into taking a look at the Race of Thieves invite she found in her purse, a gift from Trip Winter. Remember Trip Winter? He was the guy Catwoman fell in love with before she fell in love with Rat-Tails (woo woo!). He sent her on some job to play giant chess on Gotham rooftops or something. It doesn't matter since that story was interrupted by Death of the Family which caused it to make no sense. That's me being charitable because even if Death of the Family didn't interrupt the rooftop chess game, the story was still written by Ann Nocenti and, thus, would still make no sense.

The invite is from somebody named Roulette who claims to be the World's Greatest Thief. Selina cannot allow her to take that title since that title's keyhole fits perfectly with the World's Greatest Detective's key. Keyhole and Key are metaphors for vagina and penis.

Selina is properly outraged by this woman believing she's the one that should be fuckfighting The Batman, so she decides right then and there that Catwoman shall live again! She also discovers that Roulette is holding children hostage and that Gwen seems to want to live again. But those two things are entirely incidental. That bitch Roulette had better not be calling herself World's Greatest Thief!

Later Catwoman investigates The Foundling Hospital to see if the teeth in the invite were from the children at the hospital.

Of course he's her secret friend! She did give him a jewel studded dildo, after all!

See? The jewels are on the testicles. Probably.

If you want to read some of the shittiest shit of The New 52, just pick up this comic book and read the page where Selina visits Alice Tesla. Fascinating garbage!

Selina picks up some gear from Alice Tesla and a costume to attend Roulette's Party. The party takes place the same night that Selina learns of it which means Alice Tesla must have super speed. She also makes Catwoman's masquerade costume a Cat Mask with a Cat Charm Bracelet and a Cat Belt Buckle. Hopefully Selina doesn't mind being made by everybody at the party.

Selina shows how intuitive she is.

Roulette appears and gets the games started. Trip Winter is on her arm and a mechanical dog is by her side. She has a billionaire with fiery hair tied up and on a leash. It's his money backing the game and his child being held hostage. I bet the kid is inside the mechanical dog!

The game begins with a contest of Dexterity! Everybody rolls a D20! Or something. I actually have no idea what the Dexterity Challenge is because Roulette just says, "Let the games begin!" And then her dog attacks Volt and Mirror Master begins mirror-blasting shit. And Selina winds up in Mirror World spouting Ann Nocenti nonsense.

I guess the Contest of Dexterity was simply about not getting punched in the face by the other thieves? Roulette is definitely not the World's Greatest Gamemaker.

Catwoman #30 Rating: -2 Ranking. Here's my review via a conversation I had with Pickle Boy, my ex-assistant:

Me: "This comic book is so awful! How does she do it?"
Pickle Boy: "Dart board?"
Me: "Maybe if the dart board had different kinds of drugs tacked to it! Nocenti: 'Okay! Today I script under the influence of downers and LSD!'"