Batman Eternal #22

This is the greatest cover of all time.

Usually when a deadly new villain appears on the cover of a comic book, they're "unleashed!" or, well, whatever synonyms exist for unleashed although DC never uses them so the villains are almost always just unleashed. Anyway, they're usually shown as getting over on the hero because the reader has to feel the tension of the impending conflict. Will Batman actually be beaten? After the reader answers "no" to that question immediately, they still pick up the comic book because Batman is on the cover and DC has some kind of Halloween III mindchip installed in every picture of Batman that forces people to buy their comic books.

But not this cover! Hopefully you know what I'm talking about when I say "not this cover" since I filled that last paragraph with a lot of extraneous bullshit that probably made you forget about the villain unleashed and the beating Batman stuff. As soon as The Architect enters, Batman is all, "Ka-CHA!" "Ka-CHA" is short for "Karate Chop!" Batman knows this is a karate kick but he doesn't like to telegraph his blows just in case he's battling a psychic. This leads me to believe that The Architect sucks. The only way this cover could be any better is if it said, "Enter The Archite...." Oh wait! I thought of another way it could be better! If it were drawn by Val Semieks! And if Etrigan were on it! And the Architect was Klarion the Witch Boy! And maybe Simon Bisley sketched a tattoo of Lobo on Etrigan's arm! And then the whole thing were redone as a sculpture by Tom Taggart and placed inside an installation by Dave McKean! Now that's a cover!

Last issue Jason Bard broke a flash drive that didn't have any evidence on it at all. What it had inside of it was a Bat-Device that would alert Batman when the asshole he gave it to broke it in half. That's all speculation by me but since I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, you might as well accept it as truth. Believing in me isn't faith; it's science! When have I ever been wrong? I'm the guy that guessed Harvest was Vampire Tim Drake from the future and that New Future Welder's Mask Superman was Booster Gold, and look how those came to pass! Or will come to pass eventually. Or are at least accurate in my comic books which I've marked up a bit with colored Sharpies. It's amazing how easy it was to make Billy Batson look like Michael Jon Carter!

Jason Bard also let The Architect out of Blackgate but I don't know what that's supposed to accomplish. I guess he's going to remodel the destroyed subway?

This issue has a flashback of the "Alfred spills the beans" scene. So that's two panels that will have to be fixed in the trades! Learn to spell, Alfred!

Julia finds the entrance to the Batcave but then the scene changes to a group of Bruce Wayne's Windows and Glass Repair workers fitting a Wayne building with more totally destructible panes of glass. But The Architect arrives to shoot some guy named Clint because he was worried the ink was going to run and everybody would have a tizzy over an accidental cunt. Unless all of The Architect's themed crimes are that he delays construction projects so that his family business can garner more contracts.

Batman notices The Architect up to no good and says "No..." as if The Architect is some kind of dangerous rival. He's named The Architect! He's an asshole!

The Batcave contacts Batman because there's somebody inside of it that wants to yell at him.

You must be mistaken, Batman. He's called "The Architect," not "The Demolitionist."

The Architect must be a fan of Tesla because he's mastered the ability to set up a resonance that continues to grow until buildings or bridges collapse. This Beacon place he's attacked was designed by him while in prison. Probably because he received a poorly formatted invitation to fuck with Gotham City. Batman doesn't know what to do because Penny-Two doesn't know how to operate the Bat-computer. All you do is hit switches and buttons, Julia, until it spits out some punch cards!

In the absence of Batman's Bat-Computer, let me take this one. Batman! You have to set up a counter resonance that will nullify the counter-counter-resonance! Sit all the workers on the floor with you and everybody fart at exactly the same time! It's your only chance!

I should get royalties for that, Batman. I came up with it first! Now if Julia steals my fart plan, I'm fucking suing.

The only actual plan Batman and Penny-Two come up with is the one where they rescue all the workers but allow the building to continue to vibrate itself to death. Luckily, it probably won't work unless The Architect added walls of dynamite to the building's blueprints. Batman realizes one page before the issue ends who the real "architect" of all this shit going down is: Hush.

Goddammit! I said at the end of the last commentary that the person behind it all had better not be Hush since Hush was introduced last issue and then the last issue's next issue blurb said the person behind it all would be revealed. But he was already revealed! I will allow that it wasn't revealed that Hush was the mastermind. Anyway, it's Hush. No wonder his invitations to Gotham were so poorly formatted, what with all those bandages getting in the way of fine detail work.

Batman Eternal #22 Rating: -1 Ranking. I warned you, Batman Eternal! I said, "Hush had better not be the big reveal!" I said, "If Hush is the big reveal, I will murder you in your sleep, Batman Eternal!" And then I said, "I'm hungry!" And then I forgot all about Batman Eternal until just now. I guess little Tommy Elliot feels it's time to throw another gigantic tantrum because his parents weren't gunned down in an alley allowing him to inherit all of their money at an early age. Did Hush come up with his name because he stood up in a library and declared his parents' wealth would be his and then was shushed by a librarian? Anyway, I think Hush's childhood rivalry has gone a little bit too far.

Harley Quinn #10

Hooray for Slut Club! Oops, my mistake. Let me start over. Hooray for Skat Club! Chiggity chiggity chiggity wah bop la wop a bop a la la bow wow! Bop a diddly diddly bam pow crash smash an' punch an' kick a woo woo! Oops! Unless this is Poop Club. Gross! Probably.

Time for a day of Marathon Comic Book Commenting! I still have a buttload (or shitload (don't you hove how "boat" and "ship" can turn into such fun words!)) of comic books to read before I get to the Futures End stack. And I really want to get to the Futures End stack, no matter how poorly written all of the comic books in that stack might be. But I'll never get through all the other books without learning a little something about brevity! I wish I was as wise as all the people who point out that brevity is next to Godliness. Instead, I take the long road with Satan. But no more! Back, vile three pronged Dick! Get thee away from my anal sphincter, thou charming, sexually fulfilling beast! Away with thee! Or thy! Or thine! Or zounds!

One of Harley's tenants moves out on page one! That means another super villain can move in, right? Maybe a really cute one like Plasmus or Monsieur Mallah! Now I'm wondering what Plasmus's dick looks like and what comes out of it. I think I'm going to vomit.

But that bit about the new roommate will have to wait until the end of the issue when somebody answers Tony Danzig's craigslist ad. The one for the room! Not the one for the Human Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine. The main story is the one where Harley Quinn has joined an underground Roller Derby Club where anything goes. Oh! SkatE! Club! My mistake!

This is Harley getting excited about Club Sanctioned Murder.

I'm also excited about Club Sanctioned Murder! I wonder if the local Commodore 64 Club will institute some free for all violence during the programming part of the club meeting.

Shouldn't some of the people at Skate Club recognize Harley Quinn for the murdering psychopath she is and, you know, question whether she should really be allowed to partake in Skate Club? I know there are no rules but I have to believe most of the people clubbing with skates aren't looking to be violently murdered in an overly cartoonish way. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's an extrovert thing. They like to take risks and feel the hot, steamy breath of death as he jerks off all over their back, right? And grilling. They really like grilling, right?

Judging by the weapons in the middle of Skate Club's track, I was totes wrong about the not wanting to be violently murdered part, you guys. Oh, sorry. I'm still fighting off the last vestiges of my Tumbl Virus.

Holy Christ in a rest stop men's bathroom!

I figure Christ is more likely to hang out there than on a cracker. Why would Christ be hanging out on a cracker? Unless the cracker is currently Christ. But then it's not a cracker! It's Christ! Christ on a Christ!

The first match is between Connie Canal and Sky Scrapper. Connie Canal loses because he is skating down the hall when his balls hit the wall. That's called rupture. Oh yeah, Connie Canal has balls. I guess.

Testicles are the worst.

Harley Quinn skates in the second match and her friends advise her to go for the kill. So I guess this is a Murder Club. I suppose it's not so much that any of the members want to be violently murdered but that they want to do the violent murdering. I don't think the risk is worth it. Hell, I don't think the risk of shitting in a public toilet is worth it. Even with proper preparation, you can get that bidetesque splash back! It's like being sexually assaulted by a toilet.

What year did it become acceptable to say "fart" in a comic book? Has Comic Book Legends Revealed on Comic Book Resources ever answered that question?

Harley gets knocked loopy by her gigantic challenger which instigates a cut scene starring a Barglefartian Sitcom family. Lots of jokes about how husbands are like little boys and wives are fascist shrews are made and the laugh track finds them all hilarious, especially when the one asexual guy says, "Barfzongers!" Then their son, The Fist, punches the neighbor through space and off into Issue #11. Then the scene ends and it's back to Harley about to get violently murdered.

Harley does not get murdered but she does lose the match. So to win the match after losing, she blows her opponent in half with exploding toothpaste sensually rubbed into the upper pubic area, or, um, stomach, actually. So not as sensually as I wanted it to be. Apparently there are no rules during the match but once the match is over, there are a few rules about not killing people. Although there aren't really any repercussions for breaking those rules aside from disqualification. Everybody at Skate Club just takes it in stride that a woman was just blown into two parts and her entrails sprayed all over them like the front row of a show by that guy where he does that thing with the this and the that. You know what I'm talking about!

After all the murdering and body disposal, Harley and her Roller Derby buddies go skinny dipping in the ocean at night. Nothing creepier than being in the ocean at night! Also, nothing colder! But then, I grew up in the waters off Santa Cruz and holy fuck is the Pacific Ocean cold. I've never been in the Atlantic though. I've been over it in a plane! But I couldn't tell how warm it was from that height. I hear it's warm though. Or warmer, anyway. I think the Pacific is full of ice cubes.

The "gonna need a bigger boat" line is overused but this use of it was adorable. Although Harley does know that "boat" becomes "butt" really easily, right?

What's so great about swimming with bow legged women?

And then Power Girl crashes into the boardwalk. I thought she was on Earth-2 now! Maybe this is Earth-2 Harlequin I've been reading! She probably rebounded with The Joker after Alan Scott broke the gay news to her.

Harley Quinn #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Fun and cute and violent and nice to look at. Plus there was butt biting and cheese farts. You don't get that combination often in comic books. Also, you don't get either one of those without the other one often in comic books.

Secret Origins #4

Three Robin origins across four issues? I want my money back! I want all the money back!

I just watched the trailer for the next Mad Max movie and I ruined my underwear. Then I put on a clean pair of underwear and ruined those too. Now I'm sitting in a pile of ruined underwear and I still can't stop thinking about another Mad Max movie! After watching the trailer, I realize it might be upsetting to have a Mad Max film that uses CGI but you know what? I just don't fucking care. I have already shot that fact in the head and buried it in the backyard inside a tiny little shoebox. Why do I have a tiny little shoebox? Holy shit! The baby!

Okay, now that I've buried two separate things in my backyard, it's time to repress most of this afternoon (but not the Mad Max trailer!) and read me some secret origins!

Harley Quinn
Let's see if I can remember Harley's secret origin. This New York speaking sexy clown in pajamas appeared on a Batman cartoon and everybody lost their shit forever over her. So someone at DC commanded, "Put her in every comic ever made because I love fucking money!" And that's how Harley Quinn was born!

I'm not sure about the New York accent. Maybe she has a Jersey accent? Whatever it is, I can't not hear it when I read any of her speech bubbles. Sometimes I forget she has it and then she'll refer to The Joker as "Mistah J" and there it is all over again, lolling around in my brain pan, stretching out its feet and legs and knocking over every other thought. Hopefully this secret origin story will also clear up where exactly her accent comes from! The secret origin of Harley Quinn's accent!

It's a Brooklyn accent! Um, I knew that! What I don't know is why she's talking into a robot's penis.

Riddle me this, Batfriends!

What's the sound a robot makes when it's coming?
01001111011010000010000001000001011100110110100101101101011011110111011000100001

Most robots can't orgasm because once they discover masturbation, they get caught in an infinite loop and they're totally useless from then on out.

Okay, so this secret origin tale is already off to a great start! I've learned the secret origin of Harley's accent and next I learn the secret origin of Harley's love of proactive psychopaths!

This is the most romantic moment so far in the entire New 52. Who knew I wanted more romance?! Sure, there were some sweet and tender moments in Firestorm, like when Jason and Ronnie married each other in the Zero Issue. But not many others!

Already this Harley Quinn origin has made this issue worth it! It's a treasure trove of facts that may or may not be actual facts, seeing that Harley Quinn is a looney tunes with a penchant for stretching the truth. And I know looney tunes with truth stretching penchants! I see one any time I accidentally glance sidelong into a mirror!

The next super secret origin that gets told is one I really wasn't expecting: the origin of Bernie, Harley Quinn's beaver!

Why is beaver slang for a vagina? Do vaginas have buck teeth and flappy tails? No wait! I know the answer to that because I've seen so many of them in my life you would never believe me if I told you how many! They, um, don't?

My friend Bob's mom used to refer to vaginas as "crickets." I guess she believed they brought good luck.

Harley gets a job blowing the warden at Arkham Asylum which allows her to conduct an experiment on the deranged patients. She would dye her hair and pretend she was a prisoner thus making them, um, think she was a prisoner. It was a radical study and proved that people could dye their hair and pretend to be inmates of a sanitarium. But it didn't convince all of the patients! The Joker knew Harley was a doctor and singled her out. He might have realized she was a doctor when she went up to him and said, "Hey Mistah J! I'm totally a prisoner and stuff. That's kinda whack, hunh?" The Joker, being smarter than most of the other patients, remembered that his doctor talked like that! And she looked like this person if this person only had blonde hair and a white coat! The Joker ain't not Killer Croc! You can't get a fast one past him!

This page might be the origin of the Narration Box. It's hard to tell since I didn't read most of it. I ain't tryin' ta read no actual book!

After her white skin's secret origin, The Joker dumps her and she spends some time screaming in the rain while Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti walk by, obviously in love with each other. After that's over, she becomes her own woman, strong and independent! Except for that one slip up with Deadshot when she called her vagina a clown car. That was awkward.

Harley Quinn Secret Origin Rating: +3 Ranking. Best origin story so far! Maybe it's only the best because she's so fucking adorable as she tells it. And she has a sense of humor! It doesn't matter that the punchline of most of her jokes revolve around corpses. I can forgive most of her murders because she's one of the few upbeat and perky characters in the New 52! Although Power Girl and The Huntress over in Worlds' Finest had a lot of enjoyable moments, like that time Power Girl touched The Huntress's ice cream with her poo fingers. Those girls!

Green Arrow
I pretty much nailed the Harley Quinn secret origin, so let's see how much I remember of Green Arrow's origin. He was a mama's boy rich kid bullshitter who needed to be taught a lesson by daddy. So daddy built an island and then he arranged for his son to fall off the deck of an oil rig while partying and wash up on the island where he'd suffer through many trials and tribulations learning how to be the man his father wanted him to be as opposed to the individual which Oliver actually grew into. Somewhere along the way, Oliver learned how to shoot an arrow really well. Then he got into a fight with Aquaman over a game of Karate Champ and they never spoke again.

Here's a spot of wisdom from one of my dopey friends growing up: "Bailing only leads to the big payoff!" -- Larry Trantham. I always felt unbroken bones were better than payoffs, so I never earned one. Although that never stopped me from bailing constantly! I think Larry's wisdom was bullshit!

That year on the way to camp, Ollie's limo crashed into an island where a tribe of BMXers lived. And the only way to earn food was to jump a series of complicated jumps on a dirt bike. By the end of the summer, Ollie had learned to ride a bike so well that he jumped off the island and onto a passing ferry where his father was waiting for him with a prostitute. Ollie spent the entire ride home bunny hopping her because he didn't know what to do with his ding dong in relation to her cup cake.

Realizing that his kid needed extra help to not quit every thing he ever tried, Dad Queen immediately set about building an island based on Road Warrior where Ollie would learn to drive.

Eventually Oliver learned to stop quitting things because he was sick of being stranded on islands every summer. But he still had one last island to be stranded on! The big island with all the secrets and his father in a mask trying to prove to his son that he can be a proper heir. Wouldn't business school have been easier?

So are we all in agreement that his Ann Nocenti days were a series of hallucinations brought on by bad sushi, and that Oliver Queen never actually went bankrupt? Yeah? Okay, great!

Green Arrow Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't think this secret origin had anything in it that wasn't in any of his previous regular New 52 issues save for the part where his dad tells him to never stop fighting. I guess it's nice that his dad had one conversation with Ollie and that it was something worth remembering. What if the only conversation he'd had with him had been, "Don't piss on the floor, asshole." I suppose, with that advice, he'd still grow up to be a deadeye.

Robin (Damian Wayne Version)
I don't know anything about Damian Wayne's origin. Talia drugged Batman so that he'd foolishly have unprotected sex and come inside the test tube she had stuffed inside her vagina. Then she used Batman's semen to fertilize one of her eggs, grew Damian in a glass bubble, and raised him until about the age of nine when he started getting mouthy. That's when she decided he should spend some time with his father. Right about when he was getting accustomed to life with Bruce, Bruce got himself killed (presumably not by Darkseid in The New 52 because I think the only real encounter New Earth has had with Darkseid was in the first Justice League story arc). Then Damian palled around with Dick and learned that fighting crime could be fun, so when Bruce reappeared and tried to be a dad again, Damian was pissed. Somehow that eventually led to Alfred forgetting to suggest a rope which allowed Damian to go off and get himself killed. I might have glossed over a few key points but fuck it. You all know the story better than I do! Probably. If you don't, my synopsis is damn well good enough!

What's with always hanging criminals from lampposts? Didn't Spider-man invent that?

Did Damian never actually play the part of Robin until he teamed up with Nightwing? I have some serious missed reading to catch up on! Why were interesting Batman comic books being written during my Long Hiatus?

Alfred catches up Nightwing on Damian's history while making it known at every possible opportunity that he thinks the kid is a righteous little shit. Calling in a big brother figure was probably the best move he could have made even if he didn't consider the move to be anything more than finding somebody else to deal with the bastard.

Nightwing delivers a note from Bruce stating that Damian has earned the honor of wearing the Robin suit. Which I guess means that Nightwing automatically gets to wear the Batman suit.

It was all Alfred's plan so he can enjoy the evenings in peace and quiet. Let fucking Dick deal with the little fuckface.

Damian Wayne Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking I appreciate that, after Batman died, Alfred's main goal with Damian was to get him under control somehow, and that it was Alfred's idea to stick Damian in the Robin guise while training under Nightwing. I haven't read any of the Preboot stories with Dick as Batman and Damian as Robin but it just seems like such a great pairing, especially to help teach Damian to act human. Dick is the kind of guy that doesn't have anything to prove, so Damian's rebellions and taunts simply amuse Dick. I really need to pick up those old issues because I think I'd love Dick as Batman. I can't even imagine a well-balanced, fairly happy Batman that treats the cowl as a job as opposed to an obsession. Back in the eighties and nineties, I could barely stand Dick Grayson. But since I've been back to reading comic books with The New 52, he's quite possibly my favorite character. And I like him extra special when Peter J. Tomasi is writing him.

Killer Frost #1

Will we finally get the story about how she transformed way back in The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #1?

I'm not even sure if the woman caught in Ronnie and Jason's initial Firestorm transformation became Killer Frost. That title was such a mess for most of its run. I think it got a little bit too ambitious. You can tell by how many words were in the title.

This issue begins with Doctor Caitlin Snow arriving in the Arctic. I weigh out all the facts: her last name is Snow; she's narrating the comic book; she finds articles on hypothermia fascinating. Yep! She's going to be Killer Frost! I'm 38% sure of it. Which means the woman in the early pages of Firestorm never did get to become Killer Frost. Oh! Unless this is her since this is three years earlier! So there's still time to join the Hyenas or Jackals or Dog Patrol or whatever the fuck American Terrorist group masquerading as a corporate entity was called.

The big twist in Killer Frost's Reboot: the professor was impressed with her hard work and intelligence.

The Doctor that Doctor Snow is replacing was a Louise Lincoln who wandered out into the Arctic cold and froze to death. Louise Lincoln was the name of the second Killer Frost in Firestorm's history but I don't think the name is anything but a callback to the Preboot era. Doctor Snow gets some weird looks from the rest of the science team as she is led off to see her lab, the self-sustaining, thermodynamic ultraconductor. It was a machine that Doctor Lincoln was working on to create perpetual motion and, thus, free energy. Doctor Lincoln's logic for designing something that would break the law of physics went thus: "Fucking Superman flies and shit, shooting lasers out of his fucking eyeballs which, like, should totally not be possible, so why can't I fucking throw away the Laws of Physics too? Who does that fucking Superman think he is?"

Doctor Lincoln died before she could get her machine to work. Or maybe she died because she got her machine to work and then it was sabotaged, seeing as that's what happens to Doctor Snow after she fixes it.

Maybe he's just coming up for a celebratory hug?

It turns out all the other assholes at the outpost work for H.I.V.E. Which probably also makes them terribly written assholes. But what it definitely makes them is uninterested in a technology that will kill the money to be made in fossil fuels and other energy industries. Although why H.I.V.E. cares, I don't know. Aren't they just planning on mind controlling everybody anyway? If they're so concerned with money, they can just force everyone to empty their wallets on H.I.V.E.'s doorstep.

They trap her inside the chamber with the Ultraconductor and turn it on. But before it warms up and melts her into a really intelligent and hard working pile of goo, she rearranges some wires and shit. It's at this point where a person becomes superhuman or a corpse. Doctor Snow manages to get lucky and become Killer Frost. Or Killer Snow. She'll probably go with that for a few seconds before she realizes how stupid it sounds.

One thing left over from the Silver Age: she still likes to steal warmth by kissing. I'm so glad. I thought they were going to modernize that as well. "Bend over, Doctor. The best way to steal a body's core warmth is through the anal sphincter."

Gail Simone mentions scenes on Twitter all the time and people draw the scenes for her. How come nobody ever draws my fantasy scenes?! Come on, people! I want to see pics of Killer Frost rim-jobbing the life force out of people! You'll get loads and loads of new Followers when I post them to my site!

Killer Frost eventually makes it back home to Pittsburgh after kissing her way through another outpost and through a small airport, along a railroad, through a couple dozen cab rides, two greyhound bus trips, and a couple dozen hitchhiked rides. She should probably have Kiss in her name since it's her main weapon. The Kiss Stealer! The Anal Sphincter Kiss Bandit. Killer Rimjob.

Back in Pittsburgh, she meets Firestorm.

And learned she could be a real girl again!

But Firestorm eluded her attempts to steal his power over and over again. And then the Crime Syndicate came and killed her one chance of returning to normal. They had killed the Justice League. No more Firestorm. No more soft, tender flesh. No more hope.

Killer Frost #1 Rating: I really liked this issue. I liked that Caitlin Snow was a normal, happy, exuberant woman that a really fucked up thing happened to. And I like that it ends with Killer Frost hopeless and not very happy with the Crime Syndicate. Does this mean she'll be joining up with Black Manta to help defeat these Earth 3 assholes? Maybe Earth 3 Lex Luthor will escape from the Crime Syndicate's clutches and create his own Legion of Doom (Doom being a good thing on Earth 3! I think) with the villains that don't see a world run by the Crime Syndicate as a nice place to be. Or, um, maybe Earth Prime's Lex Luthor will do that since he was kind of the main character in Forever Evil! Sometimes I should think shit through before I actually type it. Then y'all wouldn't have to read nearly as much.