Pandora #14

Yes! That fucking whore Supergirl can go fuck that lame Michael all she wants if Tig appears in this comic book! Um, I called Michael "lame" because he's a stupid girlfriend stealing douchebag and not because he's in a wheelchair. That would be wrong and I never say insensitive things. Except for maybe that whore comment. But that's understandable because she broke my heart and I have to condition myself to hate her or my pillow will forever be soaked in tears!

I was watching some Big Brother earlier tonight because it's the best show on television. And that's coming from the voice of the resurrected soul of John Steinbeck, Jim Morrison, and George Eliot, so you have to weight the merits of that statement with that in mind. The part I want you to keep in your mind is how you'd listen to and respect the opinions of the people I just named, so you should respect my opinion too. Don't keep in your mind that nonsense idea that I suddenly believe in a transmigratory soul that jumps from human being to human being like a sexually transmitted disease. Anyway, I was watching Big Brother and took some notes on some commercials I wanted to discuss.

First, they've released a new television trailer for A Dolphin Tale 2, possibly in my response to the feelings it generated in me which were substantial enough to arouse my ardor and rewrite the trailer for them. I may have used some words incorrectly in that last sentence. Now instead of a trailer showing a bunch of white people (plus Morgan Freeman, who, come on, is pretty much a white guy) patting themselves on the back for fixing a white person problem (namely helping a captive dolphin not be lonely or some shit), the trailer shows a bunch of white people who love a dolphin very much but realize that they have to "release it from captivity" if it's going to survive. So now they're patting themselves on the back for freeing an intelligent animal from a cage even though they loved it very much and it was hard to give it its freedom because they would lose their good shiny feelings forever. Way to go, White People!

The second commercial is the Best Foods Olive Oil Miracle Whip Commercial where some guy in a firehouse has just made sandwiches for the rest of the firemen. They're digging in, biting deeply into sandwiches with white, gooey goo dripping out the sides and running down the corners of their mouth when the guy who made them says, "That's not Miracle Whip in your sandwiches!" And they keep eating! Nobody fucking spits that cum sandwich out and begins vomiting all over the table! I'm surprised the guy that made the sandwiches wasn't fucking beat down before he could get out the second sentence which is, "That's a different kind of Miracle Whip in your sandwich! Um, surprise? No? No big deal? Enh, I jerked it on the bread, you dildos."

The last commercial I wanted to discuss is an Esurance commercial. Those commercials have really gone downhill since they fire Erin Esurance as their mascot. She was cuter than Supergirl! But not Tig! Anyway, some woman is standing on the roof of her house with a megaphone shouting about how she needs help fixing her house. Her neighbors stand around judging the way she's going about her business. One says, "That's not how you do that." No? That's not how you have a mental breakdown? Because your neighbor is fucking losing it and you're trying to point her to some insurance website? Go fucking calm her down and get her off the roof, you asshole! Before she starts shooting kids off their bikes!

That's it on my current round of commercials that get me muttering like a madman at the television while the Non-Certified Spouse just looks at me and says, "Why do you even bother watching television?" Although she probably feels like she's getting a break from my ranting when it's just commercials playing on the screen. You should see me froth at the mouth when the local news is on! Holy fuck I hate those idiots!

Oh wait! I forgot one! That trailer for November Man looks good, doesn't it? What was the pitch meeting for that movie? "Imagine this: the best killer ever. Now imagine this: the other best killer ever. Now--are you imagining?--imagine this: they're trying to kill each other!" Jesus Christ. Enough with the movies where the protagonist manages to be missed by five thousand bullets in two hours.

Okay! Now the Final Issue of Pandora starring, hopefully, Tig! Although I didn't like the art in the last issue at all and it's the same art team of Portela and Dalhouse this time. Maybe I don't want to see them draw Tig? I'm so nervous!

Oh my God! What did they do to you Tig?!

Ha ha! Just kidding! That's a picture of Will Arnett. Or Amy Sedaris. Definitely not Alison Brie!

Pandora currently has a problem. SHADE Agent, Agent Kincaid, took away her healing powers. Now the immortal can't heal and she can't die, so she's kind of fucked up. But she has a plan and it involves becoming a vampire! Maybe. That seems to be where the story is headed after reading the first two panels. Maybe she'll become Harvest?

Pandora, Shade Agent Agent Kincaid, and Giganta have become vampire hunters! They might even be better vampire hunters than that cheerleader that had a television show for a few years.

Really? I was going to say AIDS.

I hope nobody uses the phrase "the big bad" during this issue.

One of the vampires turns into mist and gets away because they do that kind of thing in comic books. Real vampires can't turn into mist though. That's just superstition! Real vampires wear lots of mascara and black clothing and sit on the park bench furthest away from everybody else on their high school campus rolling their eyes at the fools that enjoy being around other people.

While Pandora searches for the misty vampire, she meets Andrew Bennett.

That's going to suck, what with the not being able to heal and all.

Once the misunderstanding is over, Bennett and The Mother of All Monsters begin hunting together.

I see Pandora's clothes still retain most of their healing ability.

Meanwhile, SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid hires Giganta to join the Creature Commandos. She can be the incredibly shrinking woman! Of course she shrinks down from giant size to normal size but you have to stick with the classic name, right? Also, can Giganta go smaller than her normal height?

The Big Goods encounter lots and lots of vampires including one that is probably referred to as a vampire king since it's like a bunch of vampires all tangled up into one grotesque, piss-smelling vampire. I can see how that would be good if you want to scare the shit out of someone but it doesn't seem like it would be particularly advantageous in a fight. Too many arms and legs spoil the soup or something. Why do we talk in cliches and idioms? I blame Jesus for never being able to give his disciples a straight answer. It was always "parable this" and "allegory that." And his disciples never understood anyway so Jesus always had to explain what he meant by the story anyway. No wonder he allowed himself to be killed. Who would have wanted to spend another day with those assholes after they got trashed and blacked out at Gethsemane?

They defeat the vampires and not a sign of Tig. Poopsicles.

SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid extends her offer of employment to Pandora as well to do good by hunting monsters. That's a good idea! Get the Mother of All Monsters to lead the Creature Commandos! Is that comic book going to fire up again next year with a new roster? Pandora, Mother of All Monsters! Giganta, The Incredible Shrinking Woman! Dr. Jekyll and Missus Hyde! Nina, the Lady Creature from the Black Lagoon! And Agent Kincaid, The Dark Half! Hmm, maybe this should just be the roster for the next Birds of Prey.

Pandroa #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. Possibly -10 Ranking. Was this the final issue? What the fuck was the point of Pandora? Her entire connection with Flashpoint and the reboot was never followed up in this series. Or was it? Did I sleep through significant revelations? It's possible I didn't notice what I was reading because I was trying to think up some new dick jokes. Speaking of dick jokes, take another look at the cover. Is Andrew Bennett wielding his cock? His hand looks uncircumcised. Um, anyway, I guess that's the end? Or something? For now! Because, you know, there's a Futures End issue next month which you can forget about by October since it takes place in a future that will never come to pass. Probably.

Pandora #13

I'm not even going to pretend I understand how her right arm is doing what it's doing.

This issue begins with more art with which I'm not entirely pleased. I'm not even close to not entirely pleased. I'm way over on the dis side of pleased. But what can I do? I suppose I could go on Twitter and tell Francis Portela to draw more betterer. Why can't good old Francis draw more dynamic characters the way Rob Liefeld does it! Or used to do it? You know, I've never actually read a Rob Liefeld drawn book with dynamic characters and yet that's the way most of his fans defend his style. I remember it far differently! Nearly every character was posed like an action figure with three points of articulation!

Andrew Dalhouse might be part of the art problem too. His coloring is flat and boring and not at all pink and lively! Why is everything gray and brown? When there is a color like red or yellow or orange, it's actually Nearly-Red or Nearly-Orange or Nearly-Almost-But-Not-Quite-Yellow. Or it looks like I'm viewing the colors through plexiglass on a foggy day.

See?! Oh wait. The colors actually look brighter and more vibrant in the scan! Maybe I should scan every page before I read it!

That little building with all the smoke is where Marcus lived in 1800 BCE in Greece. Even back then, he was Pandora's weapons maker. Although his skin was a bit pinker and he had more hair. But in a few panels, he's just as dead as he is in July of 2014. But an old Greek woman teaches Pandora the proper way to burn Marcus so that he will be reborn with his most important aspects intact. Those aspects are his weapons making ability and the other one that Pandora likes so much. Oh, you know the one I'm hinting at! The one that most guys don't like doing! Cooking! And I don't mean on a grill! I mean proper cooking with recipes and ovens and pots simmering over and sometimes even baking which is somehow different than cooking but still quite important.

Oh! I almost forgot! To properly perform the Ritual of Reborning, Pandora must speak these words in Old Runic Portugese [sic]: "Do it, yo! Shebitch."

Once Agent Agent Kincaid patches up Pandora's wounds, Pandora explains to them that she must burn Marcus's body so that his soul will be reborn. Then she must find him again, and raise him to be her lover. Um. Ew. I'm less concerned that she seems to kidnap him from his real family than I am that she acts as his mother until he's old enough to do it to. No wonder SHADE thinks she's a monster!

I know you've lived through various cultures with various beliefs, Pandora, but can we please try to make it at least seventeen years before the hanky and the panky?

Giganta and Agent Agent Kincaid help Pandora with the ritual although Pandora gets the Old Runic Portugese [sic] words wrong. It still works because "Do it, yo. Shebitch" are probably outdated magic words and offensive to modern magic sensibilities. Although her new magic chant is "Come back to me, you retarded nigger faggot" which seems the tiniest bit insensitive. It's possible I'm purposely mistranslating her Old Runic Portugese [sic] because I'm an asshole.

Pandora has a vision that Marcus is currently being born in Okinawa to loving parents that are going to be majorly traumatized in the near future.

Once the ritual is over, Agent Agent Kincaid offers Pandora and Giganta a chance to be dropped from SHADE's most wanted list. It seems Baltimore is about to be overrun with a vampire infestation and if they help, she'll pull some strings and SHADE will leave them alone.

The Vampire Cult is run by a super sexy Vampire Queen who might be Bloody Mary. She also might be completely racist since all of her vampire brethren are white. I think.

Come on! This is Baltimore! I'd expect at least half of these vampires to be, um, more urban!

Pandora #13 Rating: No change. This comic book didn't answer the question, "Where did Vandal Savage land?" I hope Marcus is born to a family that lives in a haunted apartment complex where people have transplanted eyes that see the dead and live in apartments where somebody did something awful and a vengeful spirit has remained behind! Or maybe somebody watched a cursed video tape and then forgot to make copies of it and force other people to watch it and so the scary well girl began coming out of television sets and killing people all over the place. Now I want to stop reading all American comic books and just read Japanese horror comics.

Pandora #10

Giganta versus an immortal. I think being gigantic is on par with immortality.

I think Pandora is the daughter of Harbinger and Pariah. It totally makes sense if you just believe anything I say.

I think last issue, some event called Forever Evil: Blight was almost finished. The event spanned eighteen or so issues of four different comic books and eventually culminated in Constantine being kicked out of the Justice League Dark and losing his lease on The House of Mystery. That's pretty much all that happened. Also, Zauriel lost his wings. And maybe The Phantom Stranger learned a hard fought lesson. Pandora just continued to sweat in her cool outfit. God I hope this issue involves a trip to the laundromat and a few shots of Pandora in her underwear.

This issue begins with a bunch of blah blah blah look at Ray Fawkes, Wordsmith, word it up all over the page. The bottom line is that The Crime Syndicate is gone or something. We'll all find out about that whenever Forever Evil #7 hits the shelves. Probably in August.

Look at that outfit! By God, DC got something right.

And immediately after I get done admiring Pandora's outfit, she discards it for her stupid yellow, winged, Ravenesque bullshit costume of hope! I take it back! Fuck you, DC! Even when you get it right, you never realize you've gotten it right! That's why you cancelled Amethyst and The Movement and Dial H and Demon Knights and Grifter! Sure, Grifter should have been cancelled but it was so fun to mock! God that was a terrible comic book.

Pandora declares her love for her weaponsmith, Marcus Aurelius. I sure wish he'd say something wise right now so I can point out how stupid he's being! I'm sure Marcus Aurelius would have something profoundly biting to say about my need to belittle him to make me look smarter! What a jerk! He's long dead and I still can't be wiser than he is because he had the chance to say all that wise shit before I was even born! It's not fair.

Marcus (who probably isn't actually Marcus Aurelius but why not go with it, right? Random speculation has gotten me this far (this far being a website that has about 150,000 unique visitors a month but provides no revenue)!) has failed to fix Pandora's Box but he hasn't failed to fill it. That was a sex joke. I think I promised to give up equating Pandora's Box with her vagina many issues ago but I can't help falling into old habits. You can't teach an old dog how to suck dick. I bet Marcus Aurelius never said that! Ha ha!

Meanwhile Agent Kincaid of ARGUS is still hunting Pandora even though a Vampiric Agent from SHADE has told her to knock it off.

And then there's Giganta! (And then there's Giganta!) And then there's Giganta! (And then there's Giganta!) And then there's Giganta! (And then there's Giganta!) And then there's that larger than living, sneakily shivving, anything but truly forgiving, Right On Giganta!

Speaking of the theme song from Maude (I don't know why the theme song from Maude popped into my head. Who knows where most thoughts truly come from? Except those that come from the constant voices that I can't silence), how the fuck did they get a theme song on the air about a powerful, feminist woman with the lyrics "Joan of Arc was a sister that really cooked." Don't get me wrong: I love that lyric! But shit is it in awful taste!

After punching Giganta off of a roof, she curb stomps her with her massive foot. Pandora's body may be immortal but I don't think you can say the same thing for her dignity. That chick just got bested prison style!

The first thing out of Giganta's mouth is DC's statement that David Finch didn't fuck up by drawing Giganta with both eyes when she appeared in Forever Evil. Or whoever else drew her with both eyes after Pandora "out, vile jelly"'d one of them. She said it was grown back in a lab but we all know what really happened! Some artist fucked the fuck up and then DC got sick of hearing fanpersons saying, "Hey DC! You fucked up!" So They took Ray Fawkes into the back room in Torture Dungeon #3 and said, "Look Ray. Giganta lost an eye in your story. You need to bring her back and explain how come she had eyes in every other appearance after that." And Ray was all, "Fine! Whatever You say! Just let my children go!" And DC was all, "Not yet, Ray. Not yet."

I take back that sarcastic shit about being gigantic versus immortality. Holy fuck!

There's something about being a Master Comic Book Reader (of Winter) that causes one to read comic books on a level above intellect or intuition. It's like absorbing every aspect of the art and words without realizing what you're absorbing or being able to explain how you came to certain conclusions. So when I called Giganta "sneakily shivving" and later said Pandora was "bested prison style," I had no idea that Giganta was soon going to make a point of her time in prison.

I don't mean to jerk off my ego like I usually do. Ray Fawkes and Ig Guara and, I suppose, Ruy Jose should all be commended as well! Whatever subtleties they've placed in the story led me to the belief that Giganta was bringing a prison smackdown to Pandora's front yard. But let's not deny that picking up on those clues is easy! There's a reason I've given myself the title of Master Comic Book Reader and nobody else in the world has! Because nobody else is as good as I am. I think that's the reason.

There's no kind of a beatdown like a prison beatdown on an immortal.

I can't believe some anonymous yahoo asked if my account was a parody account this morning! What the fuck does that even mean? What am I parodying?! How dare you! Also, "Well I never!" And other such phrases of indignity and shock and loss of decorum! Look up the definition of the word "parody", asshole! And then message me and tell me what it means also.

Vandal Savage is also on the hunt for vengeance against Pandora because he hurt her. He's walking and stealing cars because he has to travel from the swamps of Louisiana to Baltimore, Not-in-Louisiana. He would be taking a jet or a helicopter but he loaned them all out to Swamp Thing and Capucine. He was in a good mood just one issue ago and now he's all bent out of shape and pissed off! I think Vandal might benefit from anti-depressants or anti-psychotics. Or LSD. Or maybe just a nice massage.

Pandora probably can't stop Giganta without killing her, so she tries out her new Warm Fuzzies Power. She gets inside Giganta's head and does that thing where the good guy says, "You're not really evil. You've just been let down by the world! But you can be better. You just need a great big hug!" Giganta reacts in the usual way to this approach which is grabbing her head and saying, "No no no no no!" She denies her old self because it's too painful and flees from the scene. Meanwhile, Marcus goes, "What the fuck are you doing?! If you're not going to kill bad guys, you aren't going to need my weapons, are you? Are you telling me I'm redundant?!"

Vandal Savage is my favorite DC Character. But as Mindy Kaling points out about best friends, "My Favorite Character" isn't one character; it's a tier. So my other favorite DC Characters are Jonah Hex and Etrigan the Demon and Lenny Shapiro and Kathy George and Shade the Changing Man and John Constantine and Metamorpho and Black Lightning and Katana and Halo and probably a bunch of others that aren't on the tip of my brain right now.

Pandora #10 Rating: No change. This issue was actually very good and may have been worth a few rungs up the rankings. But I'm actually surprised Pandora is ranked at #15 right now. It hasn't been that good! I think my rankings of The New 52 aren't worth shit! Except for Superman being the worst comic of them all. That's totally accurate.

Forever Evil #5

Fuck you, Finch. Your Forever Evil covers are either bland or badly drawn. Sometimes both!

Sinestro appeared at the end of last issue to do something or other. I think he was hungry for some Deep Dish Pizza, Metropolis Style as opposed to Chicago Style because fuck Chicago! They hate masks, do they? Well why would a mask go drop twenty tourism bucks in your town if you don't want him there? What, is masked money no good? Anyway, Sinestro didn't find his pizza. He found Power Ring battling Temp Sinestro Corps Member, Batman! Also in the room? All those fuckers on the cover of this issue. And now, on with the story!

As this story begins, Sinestro has chased Power Ring into the sewers of Metropolis. I don't know how they got there. They dropped down the hole in the floor created by Luthor and Pals? I'm not sure why Sinestro is after him. It's hard to figure out Sinestro's motivations. Is he doing something selfless or selfish this time? Is he fighting for justice or simply for order at any price? Is he just trying to make Hal Jordan look bad or make Hal Jordan look bad? I think I know why Power Ring is fleeing from Sinestro though. Because Power Ring is a coward and his ring is quickly running out of charge.

The rest of the Secret Society of Super-Villains remain to battle Luthor and Pals with Special Guest Members Batman and Catwoman. This is probably the part where I'd scan a picture of the fight but, like usual, David Finch has graced us with a two page splash that doesn't fit in my rectum. I mean scanner!

I just realized I had a little more fuck you in me for David Finch! Why the fuck isn't Captain Cold on the cover, you dick?! He's the best member (after Bizarro!) of Luthor and Pals!

Why the fuck is Deathstroke making an Alice in Wonderland reference? He seems more of a quote Rocky III kind of guy.

Naturally, Catwoman takes on Deathstroke. I can't think of a better match-up! I mean, maybe Batman would be a better match against Deathstroke but he's busy bickering with Lex Luthor, so he doesn't have time to throw Bat-punches. The next match-up is Giganta versus Catwoman. Wait. That can't be right. Did Catwoman already defeat Deathstroke?!

If I were the fictional character of Catwoman, I would get super pissed every time somebody made me say "What's the matter? The cat got your tongue?"

Let's see...I think the next match-up will be Blockbuster versus Catwoman! No, I'm wrong! It's actually Shadow Thief versus Captain Cold. And the winner of that battle is Black Manta!

Batman battles Copperhead while Deathstroke takes on Lex Luthor. Deathstroke should have quit the Secret Society of Super-Villains months ago. He keeps getting his ass beat and he's not making any money because he's yet to make a single head roll. I don't know why the fuck he'd have joined up with this fucking crew when he's wealthy beyond belief and he doesn't work well on a team. The last team he had back in Deathstork Deathstroke #ReallyEarlyIssue, he killed them all! This is one of those big universe wide crossovers where they just needed a bad-ass killer so they decided to forget about Slade's personal motivations and throw him in the mix anyway. If they just have him mention how he's getting paid, it's enough of a reason to have him in the group! But I'm not buying it! I won't be fooled by this bullshit! And Deathstroke shouldn't either! His reputation is going to take a huge hit after the Crime Syndicate is defeated and everybody notices that Deathstroke got his ass handed to him no fewer than twelve times.

Fuck this. Fuck you! Fuck Johns! Fuck Finch! Fuck Liefeld! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Slade is supposed to be super smart! He would have thought through all of the ramifications of siding with the Crime Syndicate. And, you know, he never would have done it anyway! What the fuck did I just get through saying?

So it takes Luthor's big brain to convince Slade to turn on the Crime Syndicate? Whatever. Toss my fucking salad, Johns.

Meanwhile in the sewers, Sinestro cuts off Power Ring's arm. The big veiny arm. The one with the ring on it. And the ring decides to cut its losses and go find a new host while Harold goes up in yellow flames. At least he was finally happy and free of that despotic ring. But who will the ring use as its host now? Who is the most cowardly person in The New 52?! My gut tells me it'll be a Batman villain. Maybe Scarface's master, Arnold Wesker (the non-telekinetic Ventriloquist who has only been seen in Finch's early issues of The Dark Knight)?

Back to the main bout, Copperhead gets his head blown off by Deathstroke and the last antagonist standing, Blockbuster, is knocked out by Bizarro. Now it's probably time for Batman to chastise everybody and act self-righteous because he wouldn't have resorted to guns or killing like these other barbarians always do. Except it isn't Batman that does the chastising. It's Sinestro!

Smart move, Luthor! Give up the leadership position just in case things go wrong!

Batman tries to demand to be leader but I don't think these guys see Batman in the same way that Batman sees Batman. Why would they need a powerless goody-two-shoes bitch when they've got a genius and a magic superman and an assassin and a ring wielder and another Superman but this one like a child? Batman seems a bit superfluous in this group. I mean, in their eyes! We all understand why they need Batman to lead! Because he's the Goddamned Batman and nobody is better at everything than he is!

Back at the Batcave, the top three members of the Crime Syndicate are having a little chat about Kryptonite and Waynes. Their discussion is interrupted by Grid who mentions something has appeared over Maine in response to Power Ring's ring's call for a new host. Maybe Brainiac? Or somebody from Apokolips? Whatever it is, it has Ultraman and the rest a bit worried. I hope it's not Mongul and his shitty Warworld.

It's not. It's just a big red tear that needed another double splash page to express its extra large dimensions. So Power Ring's ring is still off looking for a host and will probably find one on Earth. Maybe it'll even find one in one of the spin-off mini-series. Ultraman points out that the big red tear in the sky is because the creature that destroyed their world has now found New Earth. I thought that was probably Darkseid but maybe not. Or maybe so. One of those.

Forever Evil #5 Rating: -4 Ranking for the portrayal of Deathstroke. I didn't like the way he was being used up until this point but to have him switch sides because of a brief argument by Lex that Slade should have already thought of himself was the camel that broke its own back.