Wonder Woman #21

Has nobody complained to DC about how boring the Wonder Woman covers have been lately? I acknowledge that the artist spent a lot of time on her hair for some reason. It's the part of Wonder Woman I want to look at the least! Plus the artist probably could have thrown in a building or lake in the background if they hadn't spent so much time on hair details.

The Review!
Wonder Woman discovers that all the nonsense surrounding her life, all the lies and false stories and DC Reboots, have been Ares' way of leading her to his prison so she can free him. Also in his prison keeping him company all these years? Izzy! But not the faceless thing that Veronica thought was her daughter. No, the real Izzy (her essence or soul or personality or whatever you want to call it depending on how liberal and kooky your spirituality is) has been hanging out in Ares' prison keeping him company. She seems pretty calm about it all. Deimos and Phobos also managed to sneak in and are probably off in a corner de-doggifying themselves. Steve Trevor and Cheetah were left outside the prison to scowl at each other.

The Ranking!
No change. This story almost certainly reads better in a collected edition without being constantly interrupted by the other Wonder Woman story. I sort of like some of it but, overall, I just feel I don't get enough story each month. I don't mind slow paced stories but I have to have some kind of connection to the characters if I'm going to be interested in them barely moving the plot along. And I don't really give a shit about Steve Trevor or Wonder Woman. The only characters I've been curious about were Phobos and Deimos and they've hardly been in it at all. Do they regularly sniff each other's butts? Do they eat poo? Chase squirrels? Have they ever broken into the closet and eaten a full bag of dog biscuits? Who's connected to their favorite humping leg? They really could use a miniseries.

I was kidding, DC. Do not publish a six issue series about Deimos and Phobos as Dobermans. Maybe a short one-shot! But knowing you idiots, you'll ask a writer to stretch a ten page story into one hundred and twenty pages. And they'll do it but they won't do it in a way that makes the story better! They'll just add a lot more boring interludes that don't matter. Probably a couple of double splash pages with the dogs shitting on the neighbor's lawn. Just...just forget I said anything, if you can. I knew that time I asked for a Larfleeze ongoing that I'd regret it and boy was I right! He was much better as an eight page back-up story.

Wonder Woman #19

Great! Is this issue where she finally dies?

Am I reading this comic book incorrectly? I find it boring because it's too wrapped up in fixing Wonder Woman's identity and comic book history. It also feels a little pretentious simply because Greg Rucka's name is on the cover and people seem unable to criticize Greg Rucka. Does he have some kind of hypnotic mind powers? I've never met him so I'm still able to see that his story is boring. Why does a revamped origin story have to run for over twenty issues?!

The blurbs for the second volume of collected Wonder Woman comics seem to disagree with me. The Nerdist says, "It is, in all seriousness, freaking perfect. It's exactly what Wonder Woman should be." Oh! Well if you're totally being completely and literally as serious as possible, I guess it must be freaking perfect. They also used a pseudo swear in the blurb so you can tell they're really passionate about their opinion. But saying that it's what Wonder Woman should be? She should be a character confused and lost and unsure of who she actually is?! That seems like a weird conclusion to draw.

The second blurb is from the A.V. Club: "Reinforces Wonder Woman's place as one of the world's most inspiring superheroes." Have they even been reading this series? Has she done anything inspirational so far? I think she stopped a terrorist attack in a mall or something in her "coming out" story. I guess that was inspiring. Also she helped save some women from a sexist god with a name I can never remember. That totally inspired Steve Trevor's penis into getting back under her skirt. Maybe she inspires people to ask, "Who am I? Why am I here? What can I do to deny things that have happened in my past that I don't agree with?" Although that would mean the comic book is a bit condescending, right? Assuming that people don't think about their place in the world until a comic book character does it? It's like when somebody plays Devil's Advocate with me. Instead of thinking, "Oh boy! I'm going to have a ridiculous conversation with an insincere person!", I think, "Fuck you, you piece of shit. How dare you think I haven't considered the things I believe in agonizing detail across many sleepless, sweat-soaked nights of pure terror at having to live an actual life?"

It's also possible this comic book is far better than I think it is. Possible but not probable! I am, after all, a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! You can see the evidence in my comic book rankings. Never mind that I think the best comic book is Justice League of America simply because Lobo is in it! That's a completely logical decision that my seventeen year old penis made and the rest of me has continued to agree with for the last thirty years.

At this point, some of you might be thinking you can't trust my opinions. I hate Wonder Woman but love Lobo?! What kind of patriarchal douchebag must I be?! I know, right? It surprised me too! I guess my sexual attraction to women is sexist and not just part of my mental, biological, and chemical makeup!

Now that we've established that I'm a monster and that this comic book is boring to monsters, I should probably get to the review part. Spoiler Alert: I'll probably say it's boring.

I'm so sick of Minotaurs being nothing more than Labyrinth monkeys! They're more than where they were raised! Although I did use Minotaurs as a player race in an RPG I wrote which described their entire life philosophy through the eyes of wandering the Labyrinth. So I guess I'm a hypocrite.

The Review!
Wonder Woman wanders around looking for her friend Cheetah until she's shot through the heart. If you're of a certain age, you now have a song stuck in your head. But before she was completely and utterly killed for good by the sniper, she declared she would finally find her way home (for the first time since leaving since all of the other stories that you may have read where she went home were all delusions). She's also decided to find the person who told her all of the lies about her past. It was probably Doctor Manhattan disguised as George Pérez and Gail Simone and Phil Jimenez and Brian Azzarello and Meredith Finch and William Moulton Marston and all the other writers who I can't remember who wrote the series at some point before Greg Rucka spread open his anus and sucked them up inside him and into non-existence. That's his super power. He got it when he was at a con one time and somebody asked him for the five millionth time what super power he'd like and he said, "To be able to stick shit up my ass and erase it from existence. I'm looking at you, Frank Cho!" And he was looking at Frank Cho who was a few tables over jerking off over some tits he had just drawn in some fifteen year old's sketch book.

The Ranking!
-1. It was boring.

Wonder Woman #17

I thought Rucka cracked down on overly sexualized covers?

Seventeen issues in and Wonder Woman is still confused by DC's continuity problems. Come on, Greg Rucka! This has been the longest, most boring way to erase Azzarello's bit about the Amazons raping sailors and then tossing the male children born from rape over a cliff. It would have been easier to have Diana dining with Hessia and saying, "I've been wondering. Did you ever rape any sailors to keep the Amazon population up?" And then Hessia would have spit her red wine all over the table and said, "Where'd you hear that old story? More of that patriarchal bullshit from Hephaestus, no doubt. That asshole has been kidnapping young boys for centuries and using that stupid rape story to explain where he was getting them. The Amazons raping sailors for children? Diana, we're immortal! We don't need kids! Sure, sometimes stories showing you growing up from a tiny mound of clay into a young woman included young Amazon children teasing you. But those could be explained away in less than seventeen issues by just pointing out that sometimes Amazons get pregnant and nobody asks too many questions about it. That whole thing about Steve Trevor being the first man to step foot on Themyscira? You believed that?" Then I wouldn't have had to read seventeen issues of Wonder Woman running around yelling, "Who am I?! Where am I from? What the fuck is going on?! The New 52 was a disaster but don't worry! A super genius writer who is less a genius writer than Azzarello but certainly less problematic for the kinds of fans who care about that shit is here to fix everything!"

The current story is called "The Truth" so I guess Rucka is finally getting around to explaining things. Although wasn't the first story arc also called "Truth"? And it didn't explain anything! Here's what we know: Diana left Themyscira in a kind of getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden way. I don't know why Christian mythology was used. Maybe that's my own biased perspective intruding on the snake biting Diana before she left Paradise for good. Maybe there's a Greek story about a snake in a tree causing a person to leave paradise that my twelve year old self once knew. Since then, Diana has been trying to find her way back home because she realizes all of her memories of going back home were fake (probably implanted by Dr. Oz). She's never actually been back! But she's not the only one searching for a way to Paradise Island. Ares hunts for it as well. He thinks by using modern technology, he can access Wonder Woman's brain better than Wonder Woman can. He might be right because Wonder Woman almost made it home before the evil corporation blackmailed by Ares to help him decided to shoot Wonder Woman in the face. She managed to draw a twisted tree on the ground which grew on Paradise Island before she had to run away because of the being shot in the face thing.

Have I remembered everything correctly? I think that's all the information needed to understand what's happening in this series. Oh, also, Etta Candy is a big gay.

Luckily Rucka gets right into the story and only spends five pages on Castalia telling Hippolyta not to abandon faith and hope. That leaves a hefty fifteen pages to really get into the meat of the story!

The next four pages are put to good use too! Diana listens to the phallus that lives in her wrist. It reminds everybody that Wonder Woman has played a lot of roles over the years and now she's playing the role of patient in an asylum. It's her best role yet because she gets to have tea with a talking penis that lives in her arm.

She hasn't been ready for sixteen previous issues! What's the hold up?!

Thankfully, the story really gets going after the talking phallus in the cell drinking tea scene. Etta Candy and Steve Trevor have found The Minotaur because they need questions answered by somebody who knows how to navigate labyrinths. The Minotaur's name is Ferdinand because he's a bull. And since the scene doesn't really reveal much of anything, go back and read the first sentence of this paragraph sarcastically.

The Ares Squad attack Ferdinand, Etta, and Steve. But they only do it to get Barbara Ann to agree to be Cheetah again. For some comic book reason, they need a demigod to find Themyscira. To save her friends, Barbara Ann agrees to be that demigod. The attack is called off and Diana's friends are free to visit her in the hospital where Ferdinand gives Diana her lasso and costume. This pulls her out of her fugue state so that she's ready to lead her crew to Themyscira. Probably.

The Ranking!
-1! I'm not entirely sure why I haven't dropped this series yet. It would be nice if a series about Wonder Woman was actually about Wonder Woman and not about fixing Wonder Woman and DC Continuity so that Wonder Woman can be seen as the Wonder Woman Greg Rucka wants her to be. How is this any different than nearly every single Wonder Woman story that has come before when a writer gets a chance to reboot the Wonder Woman story at Issue #1? This is why she's had so many identities and why Rucka thinks he needs to spend twenty issues tearing it all down so he can build up his version of Wonder Woman. It's almost as if he thinks he can write a definitive version that can be proof against any writer ever stepping on board the series and using canon stories that Rucka didn't approve in this story arc because he wrote them away. Why can't he just get on with writing his version of Wonder Woman and just pretend the other versions never existed, the way every other comic book writer does? I feel like instead of expressing his opinion through the story, he's simply been busy tearing down past canon depictions of Wonder Woman while building up a defense against possible future depictions of the character. Who is she? What is the truth of her character? How do her conflicting memories fit into the story of Wonder Woman? I might have cared about that at one time but that was probably ten issues ago. I've lost the capacity to care! Although to be fair to Greg Rucka, he played no part in that happening. Losing my capacity to care was most likely caused by my relationships with my mother and father and also when my cat Bozo died when I was fourteen.

Wonder Woman #15

I imagine if you're super strong, this happens a lot.

Mass killings aren't a product of religious fervor or mental illness. They're a product of maleness. And it isn't maleness unchecked that's the problem; it's maleness fermenting. It's the bubbling, seething, growing mixture of masculinity finding no outlet in the body of a man-child. The inability of these ever aging man-children to cross over to manhood in their own minds creates a growing resentment and anger against the society that seemingly refuses to simply accept and embrace their maleness. In Islamic countries, we're seeing this anger and resentment being used to manipulate these young men toward somebody else's extremist goals. In America, these negatively confident males seek solace in others of their kind where they learn to direct their anger at women and other men who have seemingly made the impossible transition into adulthood with little or no effort. These women and men are symbols of their self-imposed emasculation brought on by isolating from the physical realm, where they've floundered, to spend more and more time online, a space where they will never get a chance to express their masculinity and find the adulthood which they so desperately need. A lot of this fermenting is obviously sexual frustration (due to religion or culture or the amount of Dungeons and Dragons manuals they own) and a lack of some ceremony or tradition to mark an occasion of manhood (getting a Magic-User to epic levels is close but, ultimately, doesn't fucking count).

I'm not a fan of rigid social customs but when I see a growing segment of men turning to anger and blaming others for their inability to feel like an adult man, I think of something my Uncle used to say. He believed compulsory military service would be a boon to a great number of young men. And while I hate the idea of it and believe it would do harm to a different segment of the population who would do the opposite of thrive in those conditions, I can't help but think he had a theoretical point. Maybe not compulsory for everybody but some people need and desire the regimented and stable direction of a military life. It has the added benefit of fast-tracking a boy into manhood. I'm sure there are other ways to accomplish this that aren't military (which feels like a poor choice to fix the problem since the problem is violent tendencies). And while the military isn't strictly defined by violence, we all know why the military exists. But maybe that's the part — the potential violence and death — that makes a boy soldier, no matter how young, feel like they've become a man.

While I'm expressing flights of fancy, how about another consideration: arranged marriages! Although, instantly, I'm already feeling sorry for any woman in an arranged marriage with a guy who owns a Fedora, a complete set of Antiquities, and a full complement of Mox gems.

See?! Right there is part of the problem! I'm poking fun at these man-children who might be reading this and are now fuming that I've probably stuck my dick in a vagina (and a butthole! I mean, or a butthole!) even though I'm obviously a huge nerd who reads comic books and knows the powers, strength, and toughness of the Guardian Beast card.

When I first had sex, it was due to doing something manly and heroic in front of a woman I had been casually flirting with all weekend. Up until that moment, she hadn't taken me seriously at all (nor did I, really! Sex with a woman I'd just met? Ha ha! Inconceivable!). I was also never anxious or worried or angry that it was never going to happen for me. I actually had previous opportunities but bypassed them because my heart was pining desperately for a girl who long since had stopped thinking of me in that way (because I never made a move! Idiot!). But when the opportunity arose, it was because I showed myself to be independent, responsible, kind, and capable of calling myself a fucking adult. Don't be fooled! I still barely think of myself as an adult! That's a hard concept to truly wrap your mind around. I suspect that I became an actual adult not when I first had sex but when I first left my hometown for good. That isn't a general rule for everybody; I'm not offering advice here! I'm just expressing the moment, when I look back, that I knew my life was irrevocably my responsibility.

I don't have any answers to stopping mass killings but I know one of them is not "destroying Islam." Seeing that more Americans on American soil have died from young American males than foreign terrorist attacks, you would think would be enough proof in understanding this isn't a religious problem. It's a problem that certain religious extremists are certainly using to their benefit! But even so, America has an entirely different problem that has nothing to do with Islam and everything to do with fermenting maleness. To ignore that problem in favor of blaming a religion is to simply accept living in a world filled with report after report of young male Americans killing their fellow Americans as we lay blame at the feet of Muslims.

All this being said, it's just thoughts off the top of my head based on things I've thought about and felt and experienced. I may have written it in a matter-of-fact style but it's all just thoughtful ruminations on a complicatedly deadly matter. The worst part is that I've completely thrown Magic the Gathering under the bus and I love that game!

The Review!
Cheetah reveals that the group searching for Diana and a way onto Themyscira is called Godwatch. The Island Steve and Diana found is apparently this world's gateway to Themyscira but it must be opened by Diana. She's gotten halfway there by drawing a picture of the gnarled tree in the sand before they left the island, a tree which has now appeared again on Themyscira. Diana is still crazy from too many continuities crowding around in her head. And Etta and Steve have gone off to find some old friends to help bring Diana back. I guess the first friend is the Minotaur who she refused to kill at Ares insistence in some Annual or flashback story in The New 52. He's been living on the streets of New York. I guess that's as good a labyrinth as any.

The Ranking!
No change!

Wonder Woman #11

Diana's nervous look frightens me more than the semen all over her.

Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor have found their way to Paradise Island. Diana discovers her mother hasn't been turned into a statue at all which means...well, I don't know what it means. Maybe it means The New 52 was all a dream. Except the parts where she was fucking Superman. But she already sort of apologized to Steve Trevor about that. She was all, "What did you expect? He's Superman! You can't tell me you wouldn't want a taste of that super dick, right?! Besides, my invulnerability means that I can barely feel your penis inside my vagina. I had to see what it was like fucking a guy with a dick hard enough to batter my nerve endings. Oh, I'm getting woozy just thinking about it." And Steve was all, "I'm sure ARGUS can develop some kind of super Viagra that will make my dick so hard you'll think it was from Krypton!" Then they shook hands and decided to never again talk about how Diana and Clark dated.

Diana seems willing to believe they've found the real Paradise Island. I don't know which version of Paradise Island is real but I'm sure it's any version that doesn't have a history of Amazons raping sailors and throwing newborn male babies off of a cliff.

Meanwhile, Etta Candy has become suspicious of Director Sasha. She follows her as she drops of Urzkartaga the Plant so that the CEO of Sears, Roebuck and Company can get her hands on it. Etta winds up shooting Sasha in her robot face. The CEO, a woman named Veronica Kale, unleashes her Doberman Pinschers, Terror and Panic, on Etta Candy. Whether or not she kills the dogs won't be revealed for another issue or two.

Back on Paradise Island, Wonder Woman realizes that she's never actually been back home. When she left all those years ago, the cost was that she could never return. And she's just now discovering that all of the times she thought she had gone back, all of those previous DC adventures that took place on Paradise Island, never actually happened. I mean, they happened! But they were all lies created by some still unknown adversary, or God, or spectacular drug. That's convenient! Instead of rebooting and rebirthing and crisising things again until nobody knows what the fuck is what, just pretend all of those stories were some kind of fantastic illusion. Wonder Woman experienced them but they somehow weren't real. Which is probably why she can't remember her past too clearly.

The Ranking!
No change. Only two things happened in this comic book! Etta Candy discovered a leak in ARGUS, and Wonder Woman discovered she's never been back to Themyscira. I don't know why it took twenty pages to tell those two things but it did. And it only took me about two minutes to read it all. I don't think that was a good use of my two dollars and ninety-nine cents.

Wonder Woman #9

"I get all of my wall art from ads in the back of Heavy Metal Magazine."

If anybody is going to see the 3:50 showing of Rogue One at Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing Theater in Beaverton, I'll be the person most likely loudly arguing politics with my father throughout the entire move. See you there!

This issue begins with a totally hilarious penis joke about a plant that is also a god. At least I think it was a penis joke. I'm fairly certain that any time anybody mentions how size isn't everything, they're talking about their tiny penis. Not that there's anything wrong with having a tiny penis! I mean, there totally is! Wait! I didn't mean that the way it sounds. I just mean that if you're a man and you have a tiny penis, you almost certainly lack all self-confidence and will never feel comfortable taking showers with other men which totally limits your opportunities to see other penises! What a terrible life! Although, one must suppose, if a person has a tiny penis, they overcompensate in other ways that could make them hugely successful (or so I've heard every time somebody comments on a man in a shiny red sports car or a massive truck). My penis is a perfectly reasonable size which is code for "it's not massive but I've never been too embarrassed to have somebody put it in their mouth."

Trevor has given the plant to the woman with the scar across her left eye. I don't remember her name because it has too many vowels in it and also an X that isn't pronounced (probably?). It's probably why Trevor just calls her Ma'am the entire time. Although that word has too many vowels and an extra piece of punctuation, so it's not ideal either.

Wonder Woman is out with Etta Candy and Barbara or Minerva or Priscilla or Ann or Deborah or whatever Cheetah's name is. It's not that I don't care (I mean, I don't care but that's not the reason I don't know Cheetah's real name!), it's that this entire story is about how Wonder Woman's history is a huge lie and she doesn't know which of her memories are true. So is this the first Cheetah or the second Cheetah or the third Cheetah or the...was there a fourth Cheetah? I mean, is the post-Crisis Cheetah the same Cheetah as the post-Zero Hour Cheetah? And did anything change in the Cheetah line-up after Infinite Crisis? And, of course, The New 52 means there was ever only one Cheetah anyway, right? Except that's the whole point of this Rebirth Wonder Woman shit! To get all of the past history straight! I hope they bring back Priscilla and Debbie!

Meanwhile some shady shit is going down in Washington, DC. No, different shady shit than that. This shit involves the CEO of Empire Enterprise (a name which just shouts "I am a super-villain seeking world domination!") and her two Doberman Pinschers. The company's logo is some octopus thing, probably Scylla or the other one that's impossible to spell or say. So, you know, that's another clue she's evil. Her company has a plant in Etta Candy's ARGUS world, and I'm not talking about Urzkartaga. They plan on following Wonder Woman so that they can find Paradise Island.

While Etta and Barbara work to find Paradise Island using all of the government's satellite data and maps and Barbara's knowledge of polygottism (even though Barbara points out immediately that none of that stuff will help find Paradise Island because it lies in a spiritual location and not a physical one, or something. So, um, what the fuck are they doing then?), Diana takes off to go get some penis.

The first part of the date with Steve Trevor is spent on working through the fact that Diana has come back to Steve because Superman died. Man feelings are quite tender no matter how much men like to deny they have any. Women know this far better than any man could ever know because they're all so self-involved. So when a man needs emotional support (which is, like, almost constantly, the big babies), women freely give that support. But when a woman needs emotional support (which is, like, far less often than most people tend to think), men roll their eyes and think, "Again?! CHRIST ALMIGHTY!" Wouldn't it be wonderful if people just gave each other the support they needed when they needed it instead of turning it into some kind of competition or game? I don't mean I should have to give any emotional support, of course! But I'd like it to be there for me when I need it! Which is, like, almost never. I'm Ford Tough and I don't have any issues with intimacy caused by my mother's refusal to hug me tenderly when life was crushing my soul.

The date ends with this:

Okay, maybe it doesn't exactly end here! It probably ends with Diana putting one of her legs up on the edge of the bathtub so she can use the handheld shower nozzle to flush the sand from her nether regions.

I hate when art is framed like the panel above. The space over their heads is fine but only if you don't cut the fucking characters off at the ankles!

Wonder Woman points out, before the fucking, how she believes love is limitless. This is something I've always believed even though I don't believe in love. I mean, I believe in caring and compassion and intimacy. But I always thought it was weird that we are allowed to fully hate as many people as our black hearts can manage but we're only ever allowed one true love. That's a social convention that I've always thought was just asking for a world full of hatred and...well, surprise! How about we turn this shit around? From now on, we can have only one True Enemy but we're allowed to love (and fuck, of course!) as many people as we see fit. And you can't hate everybody out of jealousy because of the one True Enemy clause! Of course, you're still allowed to make a monogamous contract with another person. That's between you and the other person! But I think we need some new Disney movies that don't concentrate on one true love and concentrate more on the princess who fucks lots and lots of guys and loves them all equally and the world is better for it.

The fucking between Diana and Steve is interrupted by a call from Candy. They've figured out a spot where Diana might be able to move through to Paradise Island. So Steve and Diana head there and it works! Just like that! Paradise Unlost! I mean, Paradise Found!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! I haven't really been enjoying this comic too much. I think it was the Urzkartaga story arc. But I liked this issue. Probably because I'm a fan of women shopping and women fucking soldiers on beaches.

Wonder Woman #7

Why are Wonder Woman and that guy with the knife attacking Steve Trevor?

The Commentary!
Why are people even watching the presidential debates this year? I mean aside from getting material to write hilarious jokes on Twitter? Especially in this election, you have to already know where you stand. Either you want four years of a terribly hard to cancel version of The Apprentice (with the added potential that if it is cancelled, the evil guy from Stephen King's The Dead Zone will take over), or you're going to vote for a woman more than qualified to do the job and who is no worse, ethically or personally, than any man that was ever voted into the office (probably, in many ways even, a lot better). Of course, if you're undecided at this point and watching the debates, how did you figure out how to turn your television on? I suppose there are also the people who are voting third party or not voting at all. I won't say that's not a valid choice because I once heard Rush say, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." And, I mean, how can you not totally agree with anything Rush says? Especially from their Ayn Rand phase!

But the debates? Why would anybody need to watch an intelligent person who actually has context and information about the kinds of issues that matter in government and foreign relations completely and utterly humiliate a dumbass blowhard? Donald Trump is the type of guy who will say something mean-spirited and when the other person comes back at him with an intelligent, scathing, witty burn, his next tactic is to punch them in the face. He doesn't have the ability to be clever. He isn't smart. He talks like a third grader who has been skipping his speech therapy classes. And who would want to skip early elementary speech therapy class? You got out of regular class to sit in a room with one of your friends while an old man whom you readily accept as an alternate father figure plays word games with you? Best times of my life! I mean, they'd probably have been the best times of Donald Trump's life!

I used to watch Celebrity Apprentice whenever I saw it was on. Not because of Donald Trump. He was the worst part! Just terrible! Awful! (Okay, that's my only Trump-speak moment of this entire blog. It's been done constantly everywhere and I was bound to break down and do it. It's so much fun! The best!) Which is probably why he stopped doing the regular version of the show and eventually just did the celebrity version. The meat of the show was the egos of the celebrities rubbing up against each other. Donald Trump was just the horrible asshole, obviously smelling like rotting carrots and bad cologne, who yelled at them for fifteen minutes at the end of the show while stroking his raging power boner under the table.

If this election were decided on the probable performance of the candidate in office and their intelligence, who would be voting for Trump? Wait. Let me ask that question the proper way: if people had to vote on two candidates who were hidden under sheets with two eye-holes cut out, how would they pick? I mean, what if one of the candidates under the sheet was a woman?! And what if one of those Politi-ghosts wasn't a racist, misogynist white male? It would be just like the government to give us two non-white, non-heterosexual non-males under those ghost costumes! I'm outraged just thinking about how I would choose my next president if I couldn't see that they were a heterosexual white male who is also pretending to be Christian! I'd probably have to vote for a third party ghost candidate who made even less sense than the weird blowhard narcissistic ghost candidate with the power boner.

I should probably stop with the savvy political facts (if you disagreed with anything I said, you're wrong and should probably do some soul-searching to see...oh wait. The people this is meant for left before the third paragraph) since I should probably be discussing Wonder Woman being bisexual. I mean, she's always been bisexual, right? Who didn't already know that? I mean, even Wonder Woman didn't know it since there was no dick on Paradise Island until Steve Trevor's dick showed up and Diana was all, "Oh! This is intriguing!" But I guess it's the kind of thing that needs to be stated on occasion, otherwise the people who have no reading comprehension can still proclaim that Wonder Woman isn't bisexual. I suppose there must have been trans men on Paradise Island, and Wonder Woman may have dated one of them. At least until they were kicked off the Island for being men. Still, that doesn't change my Steve Trevor's dick scenario! Because even though he probably wasn't the first man on Paradise Island, he almost certainly had the first penis.

I was trying to find a way into the comic book but the story wasn't doing it for me. And then Liam Sharp drew the soldier's face in that fifth panel. So perfect.

Wonder Woman and Cheetah rescue a bunch of the kidnapped women and send them off to safety with the soldiers. Then they begin searching for the ritual that will bring Urzkarwhatever to life at the expense of Steve Trevor's. I've always found Steve Trevor particularly boring and Urzkarsomething looks pretty cool, so I'm okay with the trade.

Unfortunately, Wonder Woman stops the ritual and destroys Urzkarblahblah. Then she has a conversation with Trevor that's even more confusing than an interaction written by Keith Giffen.

Why does Wonder Woman answer questions not yet asked? Is Steve asking if everybody has had breakfast? I guess this is good writing because Greg Rucka wrote it and god forbid somebody criticize the great Greg Rucka!

Cheetah pins Cadulo to the ground and everybody in the cavern and everybody reading realize Cadulo just got his ass handed to him by Wonder Woman and Cheetah. Cadulo is the only one who doesn't realize his statement, "Weak. You are both weak, like all women," makes no sense. Unless, of course, he's admitting that all men are weaker than all those weak women since he's a man and was just beaten by two women whose actions he projected onto all of the women so now his defeat should be projected onto all men. Right? Also, I'm realizing this was the perfect comic book to discuss the debate! What synchronicity! What timing! What a third thing that's funny!

Urzkashambles reveals he has yet to be defeated! He still has to punish Wonder Woman for having sex with the woman he eventually wanted to marry. At least that's why I assume he's so angry since Cheetah mentioned earlier that he was upset that her body had been defiled by another's touch before she became Urza's fiance. And it makes sense to express Diana's bisexuality through her having had relationships with men and women since leaving Paradise Island. It's too easy for somebody to argue that she only had sex with women on the island because that was her only choice for intimacy. It just means more if she was in a place where she had her choice and she realized Steve Trevor's dick, no matter how intriguing it might be, didn't exactly fulfill all of her needs.

Wonder Woman realizes that the girls, whom she and Steve made sure had breakfast already, were the means to defeat Urza. They were never his prisoners but his wardens. And so, with the revelation expressed, they destroy the Jungle God and turn him into an umbrella. Or a flamingo croquet mallet. Maybe an orchid?

Anyway, Cheetah turns back into a naked woman and realizes she's been lied to. Just like Wonder Woman! Just like the name of this story! Just like everybody who's been told Wonder Woman isn't heterosexual! Also, I thought that everybody was talking about her being bisexual because it was in this issue. Apparently Greg Rucka just stated it outright outside of the story and now it's officially canon because he said it. So it's no different than how it's always been! She's obviously bisexual but the story has yet to explicitly state it. Forgive me if I wait for the story to say it and not just the writer telling everybody. Big fucking difference, people.

Not that I don't expect Rucka to ignore making it explicit! I'm sure that'll happen soon. It's just I'm annoyed that, once again, people are talking about shit outside of the covers of the comic books as if it were already expressed in the comic book! Fucking spoilers! I wanted to be surprised by Diana's bisexual revelation (that really wouldn't be a revelation to anybody paying actual fucking attention).

The Ranking!
+0! This story is still pretty boring except this half didn't even have Nicola Scott's art to keep me interested.

Wonder Woman #5

Thick bush double entendre.

Steve Trevor has been captured by some guy named Cadulo who is looking into becoming a god of some kind. Probably the usual kind of god who is a huge dick and makes everybody's lives miserable. Even the imaginary gods (i.e. all of them) do this by not being there to answer the prayers of the miserable and disaffected. The best piece of dogma religion ever came up with is saying "God helps those who help themselves." You know who also helps those who help themselves? Themselves! Did that make sense? You know what? I don't care.

Greg Rucka begins this issue by shouting, "I AM A FUCKING WRITER! NOT JUST A WRITER! WITH A CAPITAL 'W' BUT A WRITER! WITH ALL CAPS (AND AN EXCLAMATION MARK)! IT'S JUST HARD TO TELL WHEN I'M SHOUTING THAT THAT'S WHAT I MEANT!" He's all, "Check out this word I know: illeism. Pretty fucking fancy, right? I bet you're pretty amazed that I knew that word! But you know what? Guess who else knows that word? Steve Trevor! But wait! There's more! Even Cadulo knows the word! Fuck yeah! I bet the only people who didn't know that word were the stupid assholes reading my WRITING!" Then he probably swung his big dick around but in a totally non-sexist way. Don't get me wrong! I don't mind if WRITERS! use rare and mystifying words. But I might need to actually believe that the characters using those words would know those words for some reason. I might believe Steve Trevor decided to figure out the word because he's gone up against so many people who speak in the third person. I might actually let that pass. But for Steve to ask somebody if they know there's a word for speaking in the third person and the person knows what it is? Now my credulity is straining, and not in a sexy way.

I might be discovering that I'm not a fan of Greg Rucka! Is that blasphemy?

Rucka also had Etta Candy's friend or partner or booty call, Sasha, use the word "apotheosis." That's a standard WRITER! word to use and it did irk me when I saw it but I might have hardly noticed if it weren't for that whole illeism exchange. In Call of Duty, people call WRITERS! like this "try hards." Usually I'm all, "Why shouldn't people try hard?! That's the best way to do things!" But sometimes I'm like, "Oh, okay. I get it. This is a person try harding a little too hard!"

You know what I want to read now? An Ernest Hemingway book where somebody went through and WRITERED! it up! That might actually be funny! I prefer my writers to be somewhere in the middle of Hemingway and a WRITER!

The whole "illeism" thing is sort of important to a later revelation. As Cadulo talks with Steve, he actually uses the first person pronoun to refer to himself. Which means something maybe? Or maybe Cadulo doesn't usually refer to himself in the third person. I could see saying something like, "You're Americans. Sent to stop Tess." Not because I refer to myself in the third person often but because that's just what they were sent to do. I suppose I could say "sent to stop me" but "sent to stop Tess" seems just as appropriate. Plus maybe Tess isn't actually me! Like maybe the guy speaking with Trevor isn't Cadulo! Or doesn't plan to become Urzkartaga even if he is! It might even seem like Steve Trevor will be the body in which Urzkartaga will wind up.

"I WROTE THIS! ME, GREG RUCKA! JUST IN CASE NOBODY ELSE WAS GOING TO POINT OUT HOW I WRITE LIKE A POET!"

Wonder Woman explains to Cheetah how her continuity is super fucked up and she's hoping to find a way to fix it. Cheetah doesn't say, "ForRRrrRRrrget about it, SisterrRRrrRRrr. DC will shake it up again in a few yearrRRrrRRrrs."

Back in America, Sasha has been compromised by Doctor Psycho (probably). Apparently their initial plan has been fucked by the introduction of Trevor and Wonder Woman. Good thing Plan B calls for Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman! So, um, nothing has changed. The bad guy's plan continues on track, just like they always do. But at least this time the Doctor is acknowledging that they need to switch plans as opposed to saying something like, "Wonder Woman approaches Cadulo's lair! Just as I planned somehow!"

Back in Cadulo's lair, Trevor discovers that men are power hungry entitled dicks and women are their victims. Has Greg Rucka written this story before? It sounds familiar! Trevor also learns that he's an important catalyst in Cadulo's apotheosis! Did I spell that write?! Hopefully Wonder Woman and Cheetah will arrive in time before Steve Trevor goes from woke male to toxic bro.

Whoops! Not much time now!

Wonder Woman #3

I love Wonder Woman's current look! Although the penis between the tits might be a little over the top.

The Commentary!
My pants are really excited about this issue because I believe Issue #1 ended with Cheetah and Wonder Woman about to kiss. Hopefully that thing doesn't happen where this issue begins at a future point in time after they've engaged in all of the stuff that happens after kissing passionately on a forest floor. The kind of stuff where a passing explorer might later remark, "Why does that monkey have underwear on his head?" Mainstream comic books love to leave out all of the good bits of life. I don't get it. Life sucks and comic books are supposed to make people feel better for the two and a half minutes it takes to read a four dollar comic book. And if I'm not getting any sex in life (hypothetical! I actually get tons! But that wouldn't make my point I'm trying to make!), I want to see people having sex in comic books. In great detail so I remember where all of the best bits touch and for how long! Maybe I'm just buying the wrong comic books! I should be buying that one with Alice from Wonderland on the cover where she has gigantic breasts and her underwear is always showing. I bet she has sex with all sorts of things! Like Mad Hatters and March Hares and Hookah Smoking Caterpillars and probably the hookah too! Then her vagina probably blows smoke rings out of it and everybody shouts either "Sexy!" or "Gross!"

Dammit! This issue begins with them bathing! Probably because they got filthy from doing it on the jungle floor!

I should probably be writing something really insightful about feminism since this is a Wonder Woman comic book but what do I know about feminism?! Here's a list of ten things I learned about feminism in junior high!

1. Girls are allowed to look disgusted and run off giggling with their friends when you ask them to skate doubles with you at the roller rink. I know! I totally don't think they should be able to do this but they apparently all know they can and do! Constantly!
2. Girls don't have to spread their affection to every boy in school based on your priorities. I always thought they should like guys with big afros who write great stories but instead, 85% of them liked about five guys who were idiots and jerks but had pretty cool hair for 8th graders. And the other 15% of them liked the five girls actually dating those five guys! Also some of those guys weren't actually idiots or jerks but the rest of us guys had to believe that because how dare they have cool hair and great personalities!
3. Nice guys don't hate girls for not liking them. I think that might be the opposite definition of nice. Or it's the definition of bitter resentment.
4. Girls are just as interested as guys in exploring their growing sexuality. It's just that they have standards and most of the time they won't be exploring those things with you.
5. Sometimes you'll like a girl and she'll get exasperated with you because you're constantly staring at her and not speaking to her and she'll tell you politely to fudge off and then you do because you realize you were being creepy even though you just had serious stars and hearts in your eyes. But then after you back off and respect her distance and stop being a little creep, she reaches out to you in a lot of little ways to show that she likes you but you totally don't know how to react and blow it and walk home singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while crying your eyes out on a daily basis because you're a coward!
6. That last one might not have been something I learned about feminism but something I learned about me! Like how I was actually a pretty good human being in junior high because I didn't know I was creepy but then when it was pointed out to me, I stopped being creepy, and then it all worked out like a romantic comedy except for the part where I completely chickened out!
7. That last one wasn't something I learned about feminism either! This one probably won't be either but I'll say that here instead of wasting another number in the list after!
8. I had an older sister and I learned that guys were lewd dicks who got off on saying horrible things about her to me because they thought it was funny. It wasn't funny at all! It was confusing because I didn't know any of the sex language they were using! And I couldn't look like a naive jerk by asking them to clarify!
9. It's okay for girls to press their breasts against a boy if they choose to (like when he's trying to play Donkey Kong Jr. and they stand really close to him and press up against his arm and cause him to miss his high score) but the boy probably shouldn't bring it to the girl's attention or giggle insanely or stand up even.
10. I imagine this isn't feminist but I did learn something about boys and girls that isn't exactly fair. The boys and girls on my cousin's block used to play tackle football while growing up. At some point during junior high, we stopped playing tackle football with the girls. I sort of thought it was apparent why but nobody ever said anything, of course, because it was embarrassing to young guys still dealing with uncontrollable boners. And it's not like sweat pants helped hide a boner after tackling a girl in football and accidentally touching her butt while falling to the ground. Years later, I ran into Anig (that's a code name for her to protect her supposed innocence!) at a bar in Berkeley. As we were drinking and talking, she asked why we all stopped playing football with her at some point. It had never occurred to me that she didn't have any clue and her feelings were probably hurt that suddenly we weren't asking her to join us. Of course I told her exactly why we stopped because it wasn't an embarrassing topic any more. She laughed and understood and, I hope, had some positive closure on something that had been bothering her. From my side of it, it seemed reasonable and it was embarrassing so nobody said anything and we just went on playing football without the girls. Until that night in Berkeley, it never occurred to me that the girls were suddenly simply left out without any explanation at all. But I still don't know how the situation could have been dealt with better. I mean, I do! I could have said, "Tackling you gives me a boner!" And Anig could have said, "Really! I want to see it!" Then we could have gone off to play doctor in the bushes!

Where is Wonder Woman putting that claw?

I don't know how that caption turned into something dirty when I really wanted to say something about the tear markings on the Cheetah and how that's a beautiful visual representation for the pain and misery that drives Cheetah to act aggressively in her new life. But instead I couldn't help seeing Wonder Woman moving the hand down low on her body and saying, "And so you remain." You know, a friend! A close friend! Also I can't stop wondering why Cheetah only has two breasts. How come she gets the fur and the claws and the spots and the ears and the tail but not four more breasts? What a waste!

While Cheetah is all "I hate you!" and Wonder Woman is all "I love hate fucks!", Steve Trevor is being portrayed as a really great guy. The kind of guy that Superman should be but isn't which is why Wonder Woman is totally going to go back for some of that "first dick she ever saw" action! I almost typed "first dick she ever tasted" action but I thought that would be too sexist and gross and might turn me on a little bit while typing it (it did).

Steve Trevor has decided to strike out with his men without orders from Etta Candy so he can save the young girls of a tribe kidnapped by some maniac named Cadulo. They find themselves wandering into a scary, overgrown forest that wasn't there before. Total woman coming of age metaphor!

Cheetah and Wonder Woman are attacked by Hyena-men who aren't the same Hyena-men who worship Cheetah. Instead they worship some other god. Some male god! Remember to read italicized words with rancor and bitter resentment dripping from your lips! Or your mind lips if you're a normal person and not reading this aloud.

Cheetah begins devouring her enemies like a good warrior cheetah woman but Wonder Woman is all, "Dude! Dude! Seriously, dude!" Then she hugs Cheetah tenderly until Cheetah cries and reveals that she is being tortured by a Urzkartaga, the male god, her groom. Wonder Woman is all, "Men!"

Meanwhile, Steve Trevor and his men have been captured by Cadulo who either is Urzkartaga or serves Urzkartaga. It's hard to tell with all these secret identity things happening in comic books! Either way, Steve Trevor is all, "Men!" Which means Steve and Diana's stories are totally beginning to come together! That was a sex reference! Because they're going to have sex! Again! Probably while Cheetah is curled up at the foot of the bed trying to pretend that two monkeys aren't copulating the copulate out of each other three inches from her face.

The Review!
Wonder Woman solves a problem with hugs which is totally the Wonder Woman that I expect from a feminist hugger like Greg Rucka! It's also the Wonder Woman I prefer. I don't know what that says about me. But if you are the type who think Wonder Woman should be a bloodthirsty lunatic, you get a little bit of that Wonder Woman too! Because she promises to help Cheetah kill that male god, Urzkartaga! I think that's more symbolic of her agreement to kill the patriarchy and misogyny and Frank Cho's covers. When the confrontation happens, she'll probably abstain from killing to allow somebody else, like Steve Trevor, to finish the guy off. It's always better if the superhero retains their attitude against bloodshed but still allows other, weaker, more violent humans to do the killing for them. It's practically Batman's go-to move!

Wonder Woman #1

Who is the corpse? Etta Candy?

The Review!
The story is currently concentrating on the "wonder" part of Wonder Woman's name as she wanders about her business completely confused about her past. Unless the "wonder" manifests in no Narration Boxes so the reader has to "wonder" what Wonder Woman is actually thinking. The lack of Narration Boxes alone makes this comic book worth reading. Here's a tip that I've given before but I should probably remind people of it a lot: the best writers don't rely on Narration Boxes. Sure, they may use them but when they do, it's for a particular effect and not just as explication to make sure the reader understands the story. People complain when a computer role playing game is "on rails" because it takes away a sense of freedom or autonomy from the user. Narration Boxes are like comic books on rails. They tell you what to think and how you should feel. They take away any ambiguity and what is art without ambiguity? It's a sham, that's what! That's why my reviews are full of ambiguity! Because it's art! The reader is left to wonder: Is Tess really this stupid? Or is Tess even stupider than it appears? You'll never know! Because art! Also, I like where this comic book is headed. It's taking its time which is a good thing! I mean, that's not always a good thing. Sometimes that's just a writer padding out twenty pages to expand a story to six issues when the story really should be told in two issues. This story takes its time because we're learning how patient Wonder Woman is. She's seeking out Cheetah but she's trying to do it in a peaceful way. How good is that?! Instead of twenty pages of Wonder Woman fighting Cheetah until they finally stop to speak at the end, it's twenty pages of Wonder Woman carefully approaching Cheetah and ensuring Cheetah that she doesn't want to fight. Come on! Who takes that kind of approach with a super hero?! Especially when they absolutely should take that approach! Like with invulnerable and powerful heroes like Superman and Wonder Woman! I mean, I understand if Batman has to sneak in and punch Cheetah in the throat before talking to her. Because if he didn't, he'd be torn to shreds!

No wait! Batman was a bad example! He would never be torn to shreds even when he totally should be. Maybe I should have said Green Arrow or Blue Beetle.

The Commentary!
I spent a good portion of my morning reading through my Twitter feed which is full of British comedians. You know things are bad when they're not really making jokes but tweeting kind-of-humorous resignations about the horror of voting for Britain to leave the European Union. Some of them were downright serious! You know political decisions are generally okay if maybe a little backwards when comedians fire off jokes about them. But how often do you hear people cracking wise just before drowning? You wait until you're back on land before you start making jokes about your near death experience! Americans probably don't know enough about, well, anything but especially about any other foreign country so it'll be hard to get them to understand that whatever happens in Britain from this point on is what will happen in this country if you let the Tea Party have any kind of power (I mean, we've already seen this in Kansas and that hasn't really been a warning, has it? Although I suppose if you're an American, you don't just not know about other countries; you don't know about states other than your own as well). I suppose that's what happens when you let ignorant white people vote on an important economic issue which they think is really about keeping the brown people out of their country. What do we have representative republics for if the people who are supposed to know better decide to pass the vote on to the mostly ignorant and uncaring public? At that point, you just have people voting based on whichever group can make them too scared of the other possibility taking place. I would like to say I hope things work out better than I thought they would work out if Britain stays but you only have to look at the people backing Brexit to know that won't be true: Nigel Farage and UKIP. You can read about them on Wikipedia if you want to be kind of bored while doing so. Or you can binge watch a bunch of British panel shows if you want to be thoroughly entertained while "learning."

I would like to think well of Scotland voting to remain but I have a feeling they have just as many dumb people as every other country. It's just their dumb people were still convinced of "Better Together" from the last batch of propaganda with which they were deluged. I bet a good portion of them were confused that they were having to vote to "remain" again.

I'm an American myself so I really don't know as much as I'd like to think I do. Like I sort of hinted at, everything I learned about the United Kingdom, I learned from watching Mock the Week, QI, 8 out of 10 Cats, 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Would I Lie To You?, You Have Been Watching, and probably a bunch of other panel shows I'm forgetting. I'm not sure how much I've learned from sitcoms like Peep Show, Fresh Meat, The In-Betweeners, and all the older ones like The Young Ones or Red Dwarf, but I'm sure it was something! Or sketch shows like Mitchell and Webb or Fry and Laurie or Dave Allen At Large or that one with those guys in the circus. Would I learn more if I watched more Graham Norton or would I only learn how to get celebrities to prank people on the street?

I just tried to leave my Gmail account too quickly and it asked "Leave" or "Stay" and I chose leave! Now I feel complicit in Brexit!

Anyway, enough about real world bullshit that doesn't really matter. Let's read a comic book!

Wonder Woman is still suffering from Comic Book Spongiform Encephalopathy. Luckily that isn't as terminal as it's bovine-related cousin. Comic book characters contract this disease constantly! Sometimes it's due to an editorially mandated change in the character. Sometimes it's a complete retooling of the universe in which the character lives. Sometimes it's just due to a new writer hating everything the previous writer wrote and deciding to change it all up. Most of the time, though, the character doesn't realize there's been any change. But Wonder Woman now remembers everything that's every happened to her. So maybe she's not suffering from Comic Book Spongifrom Encephalopathy at all! Maybe she's finally been cured of it!

Wonder Woman has gone to Africa in search of Cheetah to find some answers. Steve Trevor is also in the vicinity on a mission for Commander Etta Candy. Is she running ARGUS now? Or is this a brand new covert secret black organization? Why am I asking you? I should keep reading the comic book.

New 52 Superman is dead so we can get the ball rolling on this romance again. Or the Etta/Diana romance. Whichever. Both maybe?

Diana is attacked by a bunch of Hyena-men while searching for Cheetah which means maybe she isn't searching for Cheetah at all? Could she be looking for Cassandra? No, no. Diana calls her a friend at one point. I don't remember Cheetah ever running with a pack of Hyena-men but then I'm not really much of a Wonder Woman scholar. Or reader. Or have ever had much interest in her at all. I don't blame the character. I just blame the writers who were writing her back when I was first getting into comic books.

Steve Trevor is hunting somebody named Cadulo. It's just a coincidence that he's in the same part of the world as Wonder Woman. Unless it isn't!

Wonder Woman is hunting Cheetah. It's just a coincidence that she's in the same part of the world as Steve Trevor. Unless it isn't! By the end of the issue, Wonder Woman finds Cheetah. But Steve is still looking for Cadulo who has stolen all of the daughters of a village he visits. Maybe that has something to do with Amazons? The stories have to entwine at some point, right?

I wonder if a laser pointer could be used to distract Cheetah? What about a gigantic Sticky Hand? My cat Judas was addicted to those things! So much so that I could get him inside at night by simply standing at the door opening and closing the little plastic bubble they were sold in out of those quarter toy dispensers at the exits of grocery stores.

Wonder Woman Rebirth #1

Why can't my comic book store be consistent and give me all the covers where the heroes are standing awkwardly on the new DC Logo? Oh! I know why! They can't even get me a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 even when it's on my fucking pull list! And they let me walk out of the store without rectifying the situation! If only I were a Type A Personality, I would have made them all very uncomfortable with my man-tantrum! Why do I have to be an understanding, meek asshole who now doesn't have a copy of Flash Rebirth #1?! And probably never will thanks to all of the Wally West fans who had to come back out of the woodwork and support DC Comics again. I suppose I'll just have to make up my reaction to the story as I pretend to read it.

The Review or Whatever!
That was a long caption! I thought maybe getting my frustrations out would help me feel more loosey-goosey while writing this review but my stomach is still upset! The feeling is akin to walking out of The Blair Witch Project where nothing has been resolved and you've achieved no catharsis of any kind. I didn't feel this way when Batman Beyond #13 was left out of my box (which I still don't have a copy of either, Excalibur PDX!) but I don't really care about that. I'm sure I can find that one in a dollar box by now! But if Flash Rebirth #1 sold out in my shop, it probably sold out in all the shops. And I don't really feel like searching for it anyway. So I guess I'll just sit here and feel like throwing up.

I hope I can compartmentalize my anger so I don't judge Greg Rucka's Wonder Woman story too harshly! Oh, who am I kidding?! I can't compartmentalize anything! Every reaction I've had in my adult life has been tainted by my lack of a father's love and bitterness at my relationship with my mother!

Wonder Woman begins this issue with the realization that she has Comic Book Spongiform Encephalopathy. She's full of memories of being born out of clay and of being born out of a vagina (both alone and with a brother named Jason).

That baby has the most kissingest mouth I've ever seen!

I just Tweeted my comic book shop and asked if there was a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 in my box yet and they replied that there was! So now I can finally relax! Whew. That was a close one! Who knew the world was so full of near tragedy and drama?!

Wonder Woman spends the first half of the comic book wondering who she is. She's all, "The truth of who I am matters! But I don't know the truth. So does it really matter? It must! I think. Maybe? Or does it? Has it ever? What's this lasso good for anyway?!"

She's quoting old Greek guys, so she must at least still be Greek! Probably. I mean, I'm not Greek but I still sometimes accidentally quote Greeks. But usually only because I know their quotes from popular culture. Like Wonder Woman comics! Remember when she said, "In war, the first casualty is truth"? Catchy!

Wonder Woman's spongy brain is trying to come to terms with suddenly remembering every retcon she's ever been through. And she's been through more than most! So now she has all these alternate histories that explain why she left Paradise Island, or how she grew up there, or how she was conceived, or how she once thought wearing bicycle shorts was an acceptable fashion choice. All of it was true! Unless none of it was true? Maybe some of it was true? Oh no! Now I'm doing what Wonder Woman does for the first half of this comic book! Every question she asks has all the answers and no answers at the same time! How will she reconcile this messy Rebirth?!

To find out the truth, Wonder Woman ties up the editors of DC Comics in her lasso and asks them to explain themselves. They just sort of shrug and say, "Wez gotz bonerz?" Since DC's editors aren't any help anymore because writers get to write whatever they want (that's my truth that might be less truth and more fantasy), Wonder Woman ignores them and ties herself up. Now I gotz bonerz!

Has there ever been a scene where Diana loops the lasso around the ankles of everybody at the Justice League Christmas Party? And by "Christmas", of course I mean "secular holiday where everybody gathers together to get drunk and exchange cheap gifts which will probably wind up in the trash by the end of the year".

Wonder Woman decides to go to Olympus to get some answers for why she's so confused. She probably should go to the office of Geoff Johns to find out why he's trying to blame Alan Moore and the Watchmen for his and his creative teams' mistakes! Why not blame Frank Miller?! Oh, that's right. Because Frank Miller is still willing to work with DC.

Wonder Woman arrives to find Olympus is just as much a lie as her own past. Apparently Doctor Manhattan doesn't have a quick enough imagination to keep up the lie as Diana continues to dig deeper. Too bad Doctor Manhattan wasn't a writer before becoming an omniscient blue nudist. A writer could have totally kept Diana fooled! So I guess it's also too bad Meredith Finch wasn't a writer before working on Wonder Woman! Was that too much of a burn? I kind of feel bad for that one! Not bad enough to delete the thought into nonexistence though!

Superman #38

This is actually a wrap-around cover but the back side is just a bunch of disembodied heads staring at Ulysses backside.

I hear Superman gets a new power in this issue! Do you think it has anything to do with how skinny his left leg is on this cover? Maybe he's going to gain super stretchy powers. I hope, after all that bullshit he went through against villains with mental powers in Lobdell's Superman run, he gains some kind of defense against mind control. Or maybe immunity to magic. He doesn't really need any more offensive powers, right? He's got cold breath and heat vision, so he doesn't need to blast lightning or sun-bolts. He's got flight and super strength and invulnerability. Maybe he'll develop at least a modicum of cynicism!

At the end of last issue, he was floating in space in the Fourth Dimension somewhere near where the Great World used to be. Ulysses was a little bit upset about the loss of his adopted home world and Superman was just all, "I know right? Tell me about it."

For the first few pages, Ulysses just beats the crap out of Superman and Superman takes it because he understands that Ulysses is going through some emotional shit right now. He's blaming Superman for sending the Earthlings back to Earth instead of pumping them into the Great World's Furnace to fuel the planet. But it wasn't Superman's fault. It was Ulysses' parents fault for not listening to him and remaining on Earth. Superman never could have talked Ulysses out of killing the millions of Earthlings because it was the only way to save Ulysses' adopted home. But when he suddenly had to choose between his parents and his new home, he chose his parents. So I think if somebody could just stop Ulysses and ask "Who are you really angry at?", he'll stop his rampage and put his chin in his hand and go, "Who the fuck are you?" Then he'll kill the idiot that asked that question and go right back to pummeling Superman.

Ulysses and Superman wind up back on Earth because Ulysses wants to destroy it out of spite. But then all Superman has to do is point out how Ulysses' parents are on Earth and he won't be able to do it! Issue over!

I didn't pay five dollars to read speeches! Start punching shit already!

Ulysses and Superman continue the fight out in the Pine Barrens or somewhere with no people (only squirrels and bears and other creatures that apparently don't fucking matter). At that point, Geoff and John and Laura fill up page after page after page with explosions. Maybe I was wrong about not wanting to read speeches! I guess I paid five dollars to look at a lot of orange ink.

Just to be clear, these are two separate double page spreads. I've pulled more visually interesting things out of the drain in my bathtub.

Superman and Ulysses collapse in a huge crater of mud and burnt foliage and dead, used-to-be-cute little animals. When Superman awakens, he finds himself in the Batcave staring directly into Batman's crotch.

It's a double page manspread!

John Romita Jr's version of the Batcave is awful. I think it goes against Bat-Continuity! When has the cave every looked like this? It looks like a mall with the dinosaur in the middle of the central courtyard where the fountain would usually be.

Batman, being the go-to guy when you need to know about Kryptonian physiology, has been running tests on Superman and he figured out that Superman has developed a new power: Solar Flaring!

What's with the great big circle surrounding Superman's crotch? Bat-perv.

So basically Superman can self-destruct? That's not really a surprise. It's just like Supergirl's FWASH power when she makes her vagina explode. Oh! Maybe that's why Batman circled Superman's crotch. It's where the new power emanates.

Ulysses wound up in a cell built to contain the Parasite. Superman feels like he should go talk to him because that probably won't set him off again. Plus, Superman needs a day or so to regain his powers. His new Self-Destruct Button (that's what Lois will eventually call his penis) really is a last line of defense, apparently. It saps him of all his power, destroys everything in the area, and leaves him as vulnerable as any human on the planet. He should probably go have sex with Wonder Woman now so he realizes what it really feels like! I bet having sex while invulnerable is like wearing a billion condoms.

Ulysses decides to pout in prison and never talk to Superman again. But his parents visits and he cries like a huge wuss.

Clark decides to go back to working for The Daily Planet because he can't stand sharing an office with Cat anymore. I knew those two idiots should have taken the money Glenn Morganmorgan Glennglenn offered them! They would have been free to do anything they wanted! Like start up a new blog doing exactly what they were doing on Clarkcatropolis but maybe with a better name this time. Instead, they acted like fools and now Clark's back to the Daily Grind. I mean Daily Planet.

Jimmy Olsen and Superman go out for hot dogs and then exchange secrets. Jimmy's secret is that he gave away all of his parents' money because it was a stupid idea to make Jimmy Olsen rich in the first place. Now who decided that was a good idea? Some writer that never thinks through any story further than the end of the month deadline on the issue he's currently writing. Some guy that doesn't understand characterization and writes characters as if they were him instead of trying to understand the character's own motivations and personality. Now if I could just remember that writer's name?! Oh well. After Jimmy tells Superman that he's broke, Superman opens up to Jimmy too.

"I'm Superman, Jim. And I want you to suck my balls."

Superman #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. What a let down! So Superman discovered his Exploding Vagina Power finally! Big deal! He'd have realized he had that power all along if he'd ever take the time to have a normal, non-condescending chat with his cousin Supergirl. And I have no idea if Jimmy Olsen ever knew Superman and Clark Kent were the same person even though they were the biggest pals ever. But I'm pretty sure Clark never asked Jimmy to become his personal teapot. That was a weird twist!

Superman #37

The Fourth Dimension looks awful.

While Superman is busy visiting the Fourth Dimension, I'm going to read a bit of Richard F. Burton's translation of The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night. I'm sure Superman has no need of my fucked up, arrogant, self-righteous point of view. Those are some of his best qualities.

It's probably been well over a year since I set this book down, and many years since I first started it. It's been about two decades since I received it as a gift from my girlfriend at the time! It's inscribed by her "Of my soul" and dated August 13th, 1995. I guess I wasn't as "of her soul" as I seemed to be twenty years ago.

I'm currently on page 678 which is only the 86th night! Holy fuck! Scheherazade had better start shortening up her fucking tales or this book is going to go on forever! The current story being told is "King Omar bin al-Nu'uman and his Sons Sharrkan and Zau al-Makan" and it's been going on for fucking ever. Or seemingly forever! Scheherazade actually began telling the story on the 45th night. I'll tell you this though: I don't know how she's survived telling this story for forty nights because it's really not that exciting. Sure, there have been some stories within the stories that featured magic fish and djinn and garden sex parties. But in-between the good stuff, it's been fucking Bored-to-Tearsville. That's why I set it down for so long! If I were the prince, Scheherazade would have died on the 87th morning. Unless the main reason the king is keeping her around is because of the sex.

It's difficult to get through this book because I have to keep taking masturbation breaks. It's hard not to with lusty, provocative passages like this:

One of the damsels pleased him: so he went unto her and knew her that night, and she conceived by him forthright.

Whew! I apologize for such graphic imagery but this is a nearly historical document so censoring the language would be bordering on criminal. Anyway, this should be about Superman and not about a bunch of ancient Muslim sex romps, so let's see how the Kryptonian is getting on in the next dimension.

I bet from the other side of this contraption, you can only see Superman's bare ass.

Superman should have known better than to help another seemingly good guy. Didn't he learn his lesson helping Wonderstar who turned out to be Magog? Didn't he learn anything from Batman whose number one rule is to "Trust no one"? I think that was Batman. Anyway, it might as well have been Batman. And remember how Martian Manhunter betrayed the entire Justice League? Yeah, I don't really remember that either since the story was never told. Or maybe it was told but then Martian Manhunter erased everybody's memory of it before he joined Stormwatch.

It's funny, isn't it? How super heroes will readily trust somebody that turns out to be a villain yet they never trust the actual heroes and wind up beating the shit out of each other only to realize they're both on the same side. I think superheroes should begin doubting their instincts and just doing the opposite of whatever they think they should do.

Klerik comes by to punch Ulysses in the jaw because Ulysses is a horrible son.

Oh my God! Did I say son?! Yes, you did say son, me! What a surprise twist revelation! Klerik and Ulysses were working together to fool the people of Earth into believing the lie of a beautiful world! Now they're all choosing to become sex slaves! And Superman can merely watch from his Anus Presenting Machine!

And then the ship travels to the Fourth Dimension for the big surprise reveal that everybody guessed! Even I guessed it when I wasn't pretending the humans were going to be sex slaves and/or pets!

The Great World uses the same kind of fuel as Willy Wonka's chocolate factory!

Superman points out to Ulysses that this whole scheme is reminiscent of a certain fascist German dictator. And Ulysses is all, "But if we don't use six million Earthlings for fuel, the people of the Great World will die! So if you stop me, then you're the genocider!" And Superman is all, "Unh-unh! No way!" And Ulysses is all, "Ha! Got you in a logic trap!" And Superman is all, "There's always a way!" And Ulysses is all, "Nuh-uh!" And Superman is all, "We'll take everybody back to Earth!" And Ulysses is all, "Ew! Gross! Earth sucks!"

If you hadn't noticed by now, I was not on the high school debate team.

Oh, so it's okay to kill six million people you don't know but not two that you do know?

One of my favorite moments on this previous season of Finding Your Roots was when Henry Louis Gates asked David Sedaris, "Can you imagine actually killing another human being?" And David Sedaris says, "Not a stranger."

I have a solution to the Great World's problem! Can Mob Rule create six million duplicates?!

Ulysses frees Superman and they begin the rescue operation. Ulysses teleports all of the Earthlings back to Earth. Later, they'll figure out how to get the Great Worlders to agree to being refugees on Earth until another planet can be found for them. But in the middle of the rescue operation, Klerik attempts to murder his adopted son! And then the ship crashes into the planet's surface and sets off a chain reaction that will end the Great World! Superman grabs Ulysses and they fly off world before the explosion can consume them as well.

Oh well. You can stop trying to contact Mob Rule. It looks like the problem was solved. Not an ideal solution but at least Earth won't have to prepare beds for millions of alien house guests.

So now millions of people died but Superman can rest easy knowing that he saved the millions of faceless nobodies that mattered! Aliens schmaliens! Who cares?

Oh yeah. I guess Ulysses cares.

Superman #37 Rating: No change. What an ethical dilemma this issue presented, right? Superman basically had to choose which millions of people had to die. He made the right choice, of course. Humans always come first. I mean, the victims of a genocidal plot by alien genociders always come first! After they're saved, then you can think about saving the horrible people that have been murdering citizens of other dimensions simply to keep their lives going. The whole philosophical argument about who to save kind of breaks down when one group of people are murdering the other group of people to remain alive. You can't trade a life for a life! I mean, you can. Like, if an ant were to trade his life to save my life, I'd surely be appreciative of that. And even if I forced the ant to trade his life to save my life, that ant's got to be pretty proud of himself for having saved one of God's children, right? That's like instant Sainthood! Can ants be Saints? I bet probably. And anyway, millions of people kill millions of ants every day for no reason, right? So if an ant's life could be put to good use (like saving me!), it would have to give up its life or else be derided for making a terrible philosophical choice. You can even replace "ant" with any lower form of life like a cow or a kitten or a snake or one of the dumber dolphins or maybe even a medical transcriptionist. I'm pretty sure I'm way more important than any of those things!

Superman #36

These Lego covers have made my comic book collection completely worthless! You know, even more worthless than it was before.

The last few issues, Superman and Ulysses have been running through parks holding hands, making daisy chains to put in Ulysses magnificent hair and to cover Superman's growing bald spot, hiding in the bushes comparing penises, rolling around on the grass giggling about girls, and all those other things two young boys in the throes of friendship never actually do.

Throes might not be the right word here! Although isn't making friends as difficult and painful as birthing a child? It must be or else why have I not made a new friend in nearly fifteen years? Maybe that's not entirely true. I think the actual hard part of friendship is maintaining a relationship that you enjoy long enough to think of it as a friendship. That takes so much effort! You have to get dressed and showered to leave the house. You have to endure weather and strangers. You have to experience other points of view which might call into question beliefs you've held and cherished for many, many years! It's a horrifying and life-altering process that I'd simply rather just avoid. Just like I'd rather avoid childbirth! And death! And all manner of things that might pull me out of my comfort zone like a bomber crippled by flak! That's actually a pretty clever simile since flak can mean both antiaircraft fire and strong criticism!

If any agents are reading this, I've got plenty more wayses with words just like that! I'm working on a novel called "Too Clever By Far." I was thinking of subtitling it "The Story of the Person Carrying This Book" to really sell a lot of oversized editions that can be read by strangers from far away. Maybe it can even come with a fake pair of glasses in a secret compartment in the back of the book! And that compartment will pad the book to make it look much thicker than it really is, thus making the person reading it look that much smarter!

So basically, Ulysses doesn't like hard work.

Ulysses comes from a planet that has no violent conflict at all. Perhaps it never had but it's probably more likely that the populace of the planet decided to stop poking each other with sporks all by themselves many, many centuries before Ulysses arrived. Either way, that paved the way to make Ulysses' work much easier once he arrived on his adopted planet. But now he moves and he finds he can't get any peace and quiet to pursue his grand work because his roommates are wild, drunken louts that thrive on conflict. Well, Ulysses, you know what I have to say about that? Go fuck yourself! Run away! Get the fuck out of here! You're nothing! You want to be a savior then you have to put in the hard fucking work, you asshat! You didn't see Jesus taking the easy way out and only bringing his message to the Sadducees and Pharisees where he would have been able to dine on the best flesh and drink the most expensive blood! No! He palled around with dirty ass guys that probably smelled like two week old dingleberries! He brought his message to the poor and the leprous and the sexy, sexy sex workers (who also probably smelled like two week old dingleberries). You want to be a savior? You save the people that need saving! You don't just decide that saving them would be too difficult. Jerko.

Has anybody checked to see if Ulysses has a recipe book with a section for serving "humans"?

Ulysses is making a huge mistake here. Just accepting the first six million people to arrive at the landing site? Shouldn't he be doing background checks? He's probably going to wind up with six million criminals running from the law or running to a world that doesn't know how to fight back! And if he is gathering people for his homeworld to eat, shouldn't he refuse to bring skinny, malnourished cattle aboard his Meals on Wheels spaceships?

Superman decides to confront Ulysses. The conversation goes something like this:

Superman: "You're wrong!"
Ulysses: "You are!"

There's no time to pack! Six million people without possessions will beat you to the ship! And he'd better not kick off two people to make room for his parents because that seems like something that might spark violence!

To settle disputes about who can get into Ulysses Space Ark, Ulysses brought along two alien bouncers from his home world. But they don't bounce violently! They just gently shove people away by placing their huge, muscular tentacles against the tiny human bodies and shove them politely away with loads and loads of kindness.

Ulysses tells his parents that they can't come on the trip with him because who wants their parents living on the same world as they are? Back off, mom and dad! Can't a guy live his own life on his own terms without you guys butting in constantly with your judgments and your nitpicking and your petty reminders of how awful I was while growing up?! Um. Anyway, I think he doesn't want to bring them along because it would be weird to eat your own parents.

I don't really think his people are going to eat them. Obviously Geoff Johns would play on the Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man" because it's such a cultural touchstone for nerds, but he's not going to blatantly steal the entire plot! Which is why I think the humans will wind up being pets and/or sex slaves.

Now I've got Porno For Pyros stuck in my head.

Ulysses begins punching Superman which, and correct me if I'm wrong, disqualifies him for making the trip back to his home world.

That was a joke! Obviously the residents of The Great World want non-violent people to journey to their homes so they won't put up any fight when they're outfitted with sparkly collars with cute little name tags (with phone numbers in case they get lost!) and/or sexy lingerie. But they need a violent piece of shit like Ulysses to maintain control of their six million new residents.

Ulysses defeats Superman and lets him in on a little secret: he's done this kind of thing before on other worlds. Maybe people are fuel for running his home planet?! Planets also always need people to pick fruit and work the drive-thru of fast food restaurants, so maybe that's what he needs all the Earthlings for. I suppose we'll find out next issue when Superman takes a trip to the Fourth Dimension! Read that last bit out loud while speaking into a microphone that provides echo effects.

Superman #36 Rating: It's about time this comic book was worth reading. Thank you, Geoff Johns, for finally realizing that you can't just put any crappy, piece of shit writer on one of DC's flagship titles. Although I think we should all engage in a letter writing campaign to demand DC Comics apologizes for letting a hack like Scott Lobdell write their most important character for so long. Was nobody at DC Comics reading what Scott Lobdell was passing off as entertainment? Seriously, Geoff Johns. You owe your fans a long-winded, forced, insincere public apology! Immediately, sir!

Superman #35

I believe this makes 35 Superman comic covers in a row where his eyes are glowing.

Look, guys! It's Laura Martin of Planetary fame coloring outside of all of the lines like a maniac! I mean, like a rebel individual with aspirations to be a precious snowflake! Hi Laura! HI!

So Superman's pacifist-raised, long-haired analogy has made the ultimate super-boo-boo! He went and killed an innocent because he let himself get out of control. Or maybe he just thought he was deactivating a robot. But then Superman would never have made that mistake! Mostly because Batman would never let him hear the end of it. Maybe if Ulysses had first met Batman before going into battle, he would have been too afraid to do anything wrong, thus earning the wrath of The Batman. But that didn't happen. Not at all! What really happened was Ulysses killed a person and now Superman is wondering if Batman can do more for Ulysses than simply forge a Social Security Card and Birth Certificate. Can Batman quietly dispose of bodies? Is that against his dumb code of ethics?

Ulysses and the dead guy aren't the only ones having a bad day. Meanwhile at the Daily Planet:

Poor, poor Friesen. Wait, who? I hope he becomes Clark Kent's mundane office nemesis! Superman has plenty! Shouldn't Clark have at least one?

Down in the sewers, Superman lectures Ulysses about using lethal force. I think he also lies to Ulysses and tells him the man Ulysses thought he killed had already been killed by one of The Machinationist's Mind Ticks. Of course Superman has to cover up the murder! He doesn't want to be an accessory to manslaughter. I suppose with a good lawyer like Matt Murdock, Ulysses could get off on self-defense. I would hope that the law would consider my actions if I killed an innocent man coming at me with a hatchet even if the innocent man had been hypnotized to kill me with a hatchet and wasn't really in control of his actions. On the other hand, the jury would have to see it as self-defense because every juror has heard that you can't be hypnotized to do something you normally wouldn't do. Therefore, the man probably really wanted to kill me with a hatchet!

After the lecture, Ulysses and Superman rush off to almost but not quite kill the Machinationist!

During the beating, the mysterious man with the staff watches on closed circuit television. He knows Superman's secret identity is Clark Kent! He may or may not have bet money on the outcome. It's all very mysterious and inconsequential to the main plot. At least for now.

The battle with the Machinationist is over in just a page or two, as it should be. Superman's battles against villains should never run too many pages because no threat should threaten Superman. The main troubles Superman should be dealing with are ethical choices and moral equivocations and sexually transmitted diseases from the Phantom Zone glory hole in the Fortress of Solitude.

I sense a Darth Vader in the works.

The guy behind the closed circuit television might be Mr. Oz because that totally makes sense, right? The Machinationist mentions him by name before blowing himherself up. After that, Ulysses takes a little look around, decides Earth sucks, and offers to bring six million people back with him to the peaceful world he came from in the Fourth Dimension.

Superman #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. I appreciate that the threat Superman is dealing with is not a big space alien with lots of muscles, nor a magic being that can ignore his vulnerability, or a psychic monstrosity that can control him and turn him into the threat everybody fears. I like that the real antagonist is a friend that may never do anything harmful to Earth at all. But he may cause the place harm by trying his best to help. And so the question is: how will Superman deal with it?

Superman #34

Shouldn't that be "Machinations of the Machinationist"?!

I have ten more comics to read before all the Futures End stuff hits the stands! And then I still have to read three more non-Futures End comics that come out Wednesday before I can partake of DC's Annual Raise the Price of All the Comic Books September Extravaganza! So I don't have time to ramble about stupid bullshit, you guys!

Oh god! Kill me now, you guys! Eeek! I literally just said, "You guys!" Ack! I literally said "literally," you guys! Oof! I think have a Tumbl Virus!

But seriously you guys, let's read some Superman! It's totally important.

This issue begins with the man with the stick. It's literally some Ingmar Bergman Death guy, you guys! He's all important and stuff!

Only 50s kids will understand!

Death Stick Mystery Guy says something about Superman never giving up hope.

No, but seriously, guys, Superman never gives up hope! I know the guy just said that but I felt I needed to say it again as if I were the one passing along the information rather than the guy that said the information passing along the information. I just felt that literally nobody would have noticed what was being said if I didn't repeat it and say, "Seriously though." Because it's that important, you guys.

Ulysses parents are literally two feet tall, you guys. That's why Superman doesn't fit in the chair and has to sit on the arm like one of your sister's loser boyfriends. Amirite? She totes dates jerks.

I went to Starbucks this morning and got a trenta neoclassic dehydrated Zen Green Tea Shaken and they literally spelled my name correctly on the cup. Amazing!

Hey! You guys! Did you know that the loser "L on your forehead" thing wasn't created by Jim Carrey?! It was literally just a thing kids did in Canada to each other! It was the polite version of wedgies! The polite version of swirlies was literally just calling somebody a broomhead.

They were literally literally trying to find a better tomorrow, you guys!

Ulysses's parents are all "We're so sorry!" and "Can you forgive us?" and "Parenting! We're doing it wrong!" But Ulysses is just all "Squee! Ma and Pa are alive!" And Superman is all cri cri cri cri cri cri.

Ulysses tells his origin story and it is literally the same story as Superman's origin story. You guys, this is so important! Up until now, Superman has literally metaphorically been all alone on Earth. Nobody could truly understand what he went through. Nobody on Earth represented him and his struggles, so how could he not feel like a complete outsider? I know we all know we're all special in our individual ways! Like me, I'm a poly-fudge, saniflex, bluegrass/punk fusion, commingling ass muncher. Totes special and individualized and there's nobody like me at all. But I still need representation in pop culture! I need my Ulysses, you guys!

Superman is literally throwing Batman under the bus with all this extra paper work.

Ugh. I hope this Tumbl Virus wears off soon. Kill me now!

Superman totally makes a move on Ulysses' mom while Ulysses and his dad are out on the porch. He's all, "Smell my musk." And she's all, "Mmm! Nom nom nom!" And he's all, "I know you're married but I have no fucks to give." And she's all, "Do you like Sherlock?" And he's all, "Hells yeah! I literally watch it like all the time!" And she's all, blush blush blush blush. And then she's all, "You're literally part of the family now." And Superman is all, "Stop talking. Don't look at me! I'm super busting a super nut now!" Then Ulysses' mom is all, "Dead!"

Later, Superman and Ulysses become besties and head out to find the person responsible for the recent attacks on Metropolis. I've always liked buddy team-ups. They've been my favorites for like forever. That's why my favorite chapter of The Bible is the one where Cain and Abel float down the Mississippi and literally end racism. Also, Turner and Hooch was pretty squee-inducing.

Superman and Ulysses find the place where the robots were built and that's when it happens! The fight of the millentury! A robot tick sticks to Ulysses's head and makes him turn on his best friend forever! I guess he's got Robot Lyme Disease now. I hope Superman doesn't throw his teddy bear in the Sound!

Holy shit. Why am I referencing The Real World: Seattle?! I took some aspirin earlier and I think I'm starting to feel better. Or maybe I've just exhausted my knowledge of Tumblr and have run out of ideas. I suppose I could begin to act like a hard core social justice warrior that has way more youthful passion than they know what to do with it so their attacks are less laser focused and more scatter shot, taking out anybody that looks at the wrong word funny. Usually the wrong word is "rape" because that word literally isn't funny, you guys! I don't know if that was supposed to be funny or not. My head hurts.

Remember Grape Ape? I'm surprised he wasn't arrested and shamed into hiding because some people thought he was going around yelling, "Rape! Rape Ape!"

Superman knocks out Ulysses, squishes the Robot Tick, and meets the man behind the machinations.

The Machinationist!

Superman is quickly overwhelmed by The Machinationist's Mind Ticks but Ulysses saves Superman by committing attempted murder. Uh oh. Superman is going to have to have a bit of a talk with Ulysses. "This is important, youse guy," he'll probably say. "We don't kill, buddy. Also, why do you kill? Weren't you raised by pacifists? I think you should maybe be in the Phantom Zone now."

Superman literally only knows how to deal with problems one way: put it into the Phantom Zone. Just wait until he marries Lois and they have their first fight! Nice knowing you, Lois Lane!

Sad trombone!

Superman #34 Rating: +5 Ranking. This is literally the best Superman comic of The New 52! And that's me speaking with my Tumbl Virus cleared up! Now, it's not the best "Superman in a comic book" comic book because I'm not quite ready to declare this story better than Grant Morrison's run on Action Comics, convoluted as it was. But no better story has been published in the pages of Superman's self-titled comic book since The New 52 began. This shit is bananas! Hmm, maybe I should lie down, you guys.