Batwoman #26

This gives me a good idea for a performance art piece! Go to a museum with a box of big, hairy spiders and just begin throwing them into people's hair. It's a commentary on how hard it is to appreciate art when there is a spider crawling on you. It will really make people think and nod their heads profoundly after they're done screaming and I explain the nature of the piece to them in a fifteen page manifesto. Which actually makes me think maybe all I need is the manifesto and I can drop the spider throwing bit? No, no. How are stupid, boring words going to get media attention?! Gotta go with the spiders! I mean, the art!

Any visual art that needs a letter of intent or a manifesto or a long-winded explication of the piece by the artist is not visual art. It's an artistic idea or maybe, with a little actual work, an essay or a nice piece of writing. But a lot of upcoming artists want to be seen as Artists with a capital "A" and profound and creative without putting in actual hard, difficult, passionate work. Which is why they strap a tampon to a cat and hang it from a crucifix. Because it's a striking image with familiar yet disparate objects placed in a way you'd never expect them to be placed. So it must mean something crazy smart, right? But just because a few people can jerk their art minds off all over the faces of other people rabid to join in on the conversation, it doesn't make it art. Many definitions of art exist so, yes, technically that poor fucking crucified cat is art. But my definition of art is deeply concerned with intent. The intent should be a passionate intensity, a fire out of control, an obsession that cannot be sated. If the main intent is ego, if it's for you, the artist, to be acknowledged as a tremendous talent, as the brightest mind on the block, as an up and coming superstar, I'd really question whether art is being created. If the art is the means to an end, it's a bastardization, a Frankenstein's Monster, a piece of shit covered in gold. I'm not saying the two aren't incompatible. Artists invariably want people to appreciate what they do. But it really depends on who's in the saddle. Is it the art or the artist? I'd say the artist needs to be the horse, mute about their work, letting the work stand alone. But that's probably really difficult in current times with instant fame and a massive audience waiting on the internet to possibly viralize your every thought. In most cases, neither the art nor the artist is in the saddle. It's the audience.

Although when I think about it a bit, I suppose just writing "strap a tampon to a cat and hang it from a crucifix" is a fuck-ton easier than actually creating that piece! I'd say whoever put that together was an artist willing to suffer for their work because that cat is not going up there without a fucking fight. Although if they succumbed to the lure of explaining the piece, I'd change my position and take away their artist credit! Yes, I'm a fickle, judgmental bitch. Also a hater. And I'm an Artist with a capital "A"! But I'm mostly a performance artist and most of my performances take place alone and most of them involve masturbation. But my art is full of passion! So there! In your face, you stupid critics who completely panned my gallery appearance last year! Luckily my piece only lasted the briefest of moments so just a few critics experienced it. But they were very mean and critical of my performance. And they might have been prostitutes.

Last time we saw Batwoman and it wasn't five years ago, she was about to kick Batman's ass. But I guess that was all a fucking dream or something. Anyway, this issue begins in 1929 so it doesn't really matter anyway, does it? Back in 1929, some brave, strong young man hangs himself amidst a bunch of paintings. The next day a boy on the street waved a newspaper around yelling, "Extree! Extree! Read all about it! Reversal of Fortune! Art Hangs Artist! The Mystery of the Century! Extree! Extree!"

Back in the future, Wolf Spider (no relation to Bane's Wolf Spider, I'm guessing, because Bane's Wolf Spider is dead. I think) is stealing really shitty art.

See?! The artist couldn't even be bothered to draw in the faces! Rookie mistake!

Later at some social event (perhaps Kate and Maggie's engagement party?), Kate Kane shows her ignorance as her friend Evan Blake discusses a depression era painting by Eisenstadt about how the Waynes were destroying the city. It's truly embarrassing for her and I'm not sure I can continue to like her after she reveals she's never seen Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Shame on her. There are some movie classics that transcend time and special effects and it's every citizen's duty to seek them out and learn from them. In thirty years, people will probably be referencing The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift as a classic of a bygone age and you won't want to be the only one in the room not able to discuss its homoerotic themes, imperialistic undertones, and how it portrays mankind's everlasting struggle between the belief in the power of oneself and the belief that there is an omnipotent being directing everything one does.

Kate and Evan have been friends since high school where they bearded each other. Evan is concerned that he might be a target for the art thief that killed a collector the previous night. Because the artist stole an Eisenstadt and Evan owns one! I can tell that they're by the same artist because the artist forgot the faces in both paintings! Eventually Bette makes an appearance and Evan heads off to impress his guests with his knowledge of Gremlins II: The New Batch.

Oh Bette. Stop being so adorable.

I said stop!

Bette talks Batwoman into hitting the streets of Gotham where a good ass-kicking is guaranteed any night of the week. Bette also drops a clue about Batwoman's fight with Batman and their Alice rescue mission and their chess game against Director Bones and Cameron Chase and the rest of the DEO. You know, the story that never got an ending? Well apparently the finale will be told in an Annual in April! Perfect! I mean, the perfect amount of time for me to forget everything that was happening so that I won't fucking care anymore.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'll care! Batman versus Batwoman!

It's a good thing they go out too because Evan Blake's apartment is being robbed by Wolf Spider even as I type this! Good thing he purchased a Waynetech Home Security Silent Alarm! I guess Evan wasn't rich enough to purchase the Waynetech Double Plus Good Super Duper High Tech Home Security Silent Bat-Alarm because the Security Call Center is calling the Gotham Police instead of The Goddamned Batman. Evan does get lucky though and Batwoman intercepts the alert. I bet he'll wind up having to pay extra for that.

I tried warning you, Bette. If you'd had something other than huge jets of fire at your offensive disposal, you might have been able to do something without worrying about burning your friend's home down.

Batwoman, stealing a page from Batman's play book, breaks Wolf Spider's jaw. But then he pretends to give up and Batwoman does something Batman never does: relents! Instead of beating him to a nice, pasty, pulpy, barely-breathing mess, she hesitates when he gives himself up and winds up with a face full of poison barbs. But that's just the beginning! Because after that, Wolf Spider kicks her off the balcony on the 32nd floor. Whoops! I bet if she hadn't burnt her bridges with Batman, he might appear to save her. I guess she'll just have to save herself. She probably has one of those Bat-Grapples built into her suit. Plus she has a sidekick! Isn't sacrificing their lives so that the hero can live a sidekick's number one job? Come on, Bette! Get on with it already! Throw your life away so that Batwoman can live!

Batwoman #26 Rating: No change. I'm a bit disappointed that DC fucked with the finish to the Batwoman versus Batman story arc. But the art goes a long way to making me forget that a two year story line was one month away from being completed when DC abandoned it. Plus the character moments were well done this issue. I feel this had the right amount of Batwoman battling and Kate Kane enjoying some down time. Now if only all of the comic books could figure out that balance, I'd be about 7% happier with the books I'm reading.

A.R.G.U.S. #3

Keep him away from that child!

Last issue, Steve Trevor inexplicably survived a battle with Deathstork Deathstroke. Too bad the comic book is from the point of view of Steve Trevor instead of Deathstroke or else we could have gotten another entry in Deathstroke's War Journal!

Steve Trevor returned to ARGUS Headquarters, sending the President and Candy on a picnic on/with Fiddler's Green. And then he went to look at himself in a magic mirror he was storing for safe keeping for Wonder Woman. It's one of those mirrors that makes you pay for asking questions in it. And Steve already owes it for something. Probably for making Wonder Woman fall out of love with him because he knew it was only holding her back. And when he yelled at her that one time at the amusement park and told her he doesn't love her and to go away, scat!, Git!, she didn't listen. She just laughed at his antics and shoved more cotton candy in her face.

Also, Dr. Light has returned from heaven and he's accidentally burning up ARGUS Agents. Enh, it happens.

And with all that going on, it's the perfect time to see what was happening five years ago on one of Steve Trevor and Diana Prince's dates!

What's the best way to cook a khalkotauroi? Now I feel like I need to come up with a punch line.

This was the moment that Steve Trevor told Wonder Woman he would be working with a new government agency called ARGUS. Diana points out to Steve what I've been pointing out all along: Argus was the name of a hundred eyed beast that could see everyone and everything. Somebody in the government is too smart for their own good, putting the purpose of the organization right there in the acronym while pretending the agency is doing something else. This memory is currently being stolen by one of the witches from the mirror Steve Trevor visited at the end of the last issue. But this memory is just payment for last time. I imagine he'll have to pay up front for his next favor. I have no idea what kinds of favors these witches grant. Prophecy? Magic artifacts? Clockwork owls? Four hour erections?

Oh, did we know that Stever Trevor's middle name was Howard? That's perfect. His initials are SHT! Ha ha! Steve's parents were assholes.

Steve negotiates with the witches and it sounds like he's going to give up his greatest memory to find out what happened to Diana! I bet that memory is the first time he caught a glance of a girl's underwear! Oh sweet cherished mistake! Favorable breeze! Skirt of lightest materials! Just a flash! Just a second! But what a sweet sight! The newness of arousal! The heartbreaking crush! The lurid, inexpressible thoughts! All this from his first brief glimpse of the forbidden!

The witches show Trevor that the lost heroes have been subsumed by Firestorm. But he does not know where to find Firestorm! But the witches must be under the thrall of ancient magics which do not allow them to take overpayment for information. He has offered them the world with his young memory of glimpsing panties, so they teleport him to a location where he can find Firestorm. Or at least find his trail.

Martin Stein and Killer Frost? That should do it.

Luckily Trevor brought a magic fire blade to defend himself. You know, if Steve Trevor would be willing to listen to Killer Frost for a moment, couldn't they work out a deal? Couldn't she feed on the heat of the magic blade? Or does she have to kiss a living being to warm herself up? I guess I'll find out after a one page diversion into The Green Room.

Etta learns that the keeper of The Green Room, Mr. Green, is a founding member of ARGUS. He's going to explain over a cup of tea. And that's all you get in one page! Back to the action!

Well, the action ends when Martin Stein shoots Frost in the stomach with a shotgun. It's at that point that they all begin to talk and realize they're all interested in finding Firestorm. If only everybody would drop these "hero" and "villain" labels, more conversations might begin with "What can I do for you?" as opposed to a punch in the face.

So Martin Stein, Genius, explains the situation in a way that even Steve Trevor can understand.

He's a scientist, not an artist! He's also pretty shitty at analogies.

Meanwhile, Firestorm is just where I said he'd be! In a lab somewhere with Deathstorm trying to convince him to teach him how to make Kryptonite. Jason was lost inside the Firestorm Matrix with everybody else but Ronnie Raymond is a floating, disembodied head. How do you like being the guy in the back seat, Ronnie? Not too fun, is it?

Double meanwhile with cherries on top, Doctor Light appears in Los Angeles where he's greeted by a new Super Secret Agency: The Crimson Men!

A.R.G.U.S. #3 Rating: No change. It's interesting to see the development of each of the Forever Evil mini-series and to see what part of the overall Forever Evil story each one is responsible for. So ARGUS is dealing with finding Firestorm and freeing the Justice Leagues. I think Justice League Dark is being kept somewhere else, probably The Project, so that's all going down in The Blight. Also in The Blight series, we now have Deadman as Sea King, so he'll probably get close to the Syndicate. Over in Rogues Rebellion we have...well, I don't know exactly what's going on there. Or Arkham War! Maybe they'll just be crazy off-shoots of the overall story and not be critical to how it all ends. Or maybe I'm just not very observant or I'm rushing through my thoughts right now because I need to get dinner in the oven in time to cook and eat it before I have to rush off to work.

Justice League Dark #26

I'm going to pretend that I don't know what the Sea King just did to them but their gaping mouths tell the story all too well.

Last issue of the Blight Crossover, the Mini-Justice League Dark cast a spell that allowed them to all die but not be dead somehow at the same time. Being killed kept them from being killed. It's magic! It's complicated and/or irrational! Like praying! Except praying is acceptable because people have been taught to accept it while magic is scary because people have been taught not to accept it! I suppose the other difference is that people don't like to think that they have any power within themselves, so magic is arrogant and blasphemous. But prayer is okay because you're just asking for a super-being to do magic which is okay somehow.

I'm also now wishing that the Justice League Dark had a nemesis named Blasphemouse! He could be a humanoid mouse that casts black magic and shouts things like "Jesus sucks dick!" and "God lives in my asshole!" Boy, that mouse really is blasphemous! Saying stuff like that! What a jerk!

This issue, I predict the Sea King will make me yawn eighteen times! Except if he's the opposite of Aquaman then that makes him cool and really likeable! It also makes him the opposite of taciturn, whatever that is. Is it perky? I think it's perky! It's hard to know for sure when I don't really know the definition of taciturn! I do know that it's making me hungry for tacos. How come the breakfast burrito exists but not the breakfast taco? That kind of pisses me off a little bit.

While John and the Mini-Justice League Dark float about in their Dead Space wondering how being dead can give them the advantage over Blight, Blight appears to recap what has happened so far in this crossover. I thought that being dead was going to give them an advantage because Blight wouldn't know their consciousnesses were still extant somewhere. But I guess I'm an idiot and there is some other advantage they've gained by dying. Because Blight sure as poop knows they can still here him because he's taunting the sexual intercourse out of them.

Although John meets Deadman while dead and he shouldn't be here because he's trapped in Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. So this must be that side effect that was hinted at last issue. They're just reliving their deaths over and over again. So Helpful, Synopsis-Giving Blight was probably just an illusion of some sort. Just like Deadman. And probably everybody so far except John! Because this is John's head's death hallucination! I wonder if his body gets its own vision?

If I ever lose my head, nobody cremate me! I might just be in a mystic coma!

Constantine makes a joke about Deadman being alive and then threatens to go after Boston Brand alone. Maybe he's still in the thrall of the Mark of the Dun-Kon-Wen! I bet Justice League Dark runs for 250 issues before a new writer comes on board and begins a story line where they all wake up from their real mystic coma and the past 225 issues were all hallucinations and dreams. Also, that future writer is a smart-ass dick!

The Phantom Stranger and Terrance Thirteen ditch the Mini-Justice League Dark to look for The Babysitter. The others confirm that Deadman was not a hallucination and Pandora determines where he is. So the group goes all Bedknobs and Broomsticks to find him.

Except it's a bit more like Whaleknobs and Fishdicks.

The Mini-Justice League Dark discover the Atlantis before Atlantis, a place called Nan Madol. It's probably some place mentioned in some Young Adult Fantasy Book or was made up by Coast to Coast "experts" on Edgar Cayce. I'll ask Lord Google about it.

Lord Google informs me that it is an actual place located somewhere that is not America so it really doesn't matter much. But many legends surround it and one of those is that it is "identified with R'lyeh, the sunken city in which Cthulhu reputedly lies, 'Dead, but dreaming' in the H.P. Lovecraft short story 'The Call of Cthulhu.'" Other people with names I don't recognize connect it to Mu and Lemuria which is why Constantine mentions those lost continents. He calls them all myth which seems silly since he knows so much about magic. You'd think Constantine would be one of those people that believes a little bit in everything. How else do you cast a spell that allows you to survive being decapitated and just trust that you'll be okay?

What they find in Nan Madol is the Sea King possessed by the ancient magic of the city. He also might be a little bit possessed by Deadman. But the Mini-Justice League Dark will probably have to drive out the forces of Nan Madol from The Sea King's head before Deadman can free himself.

Things escalate quickly.

Looks like the zombified version of The Trench story is about to take place.

Pandora lets Constantine know that The Sea King is also Deadman which should have been obvious to Constantine. Maybe he's still a little groggy from the decapitation earlier. Or the pressure of the ocean is making it hard to think straight, what with his brain and other organs being crushed by the weight of the water.

On the surface, The Sea King and his Water Zombies attack a boat full of white people. So I guess this legendary Nan Madol isn't located where the non-legendary Nan Madol is since it's in Micronesia. I suppose that doesn't rule out the possibility of a fishing boat full of white people who love to talk about their wives' blue eyes but it seems it would be more likely if fantasy Nan Madol were located closer to the shores of the United States. So I'm going to pretend it's a few miles off the coast of Seattle.

Before the Sea King can discover how much the air-breathing citizens of Earth love mocking his counterpart, Constantine puts a magic knife in his head and drives out the spirits of Nan Madol. That leaves Boston Brand in control of The Sea King's body. Now is he going to go undercover with The Crime Syndicate where he'll find out that Superwoman's baby is actually his?! You just know that Aquaman is always at the top of Lois Lane's Celebrity Fuck List.

Constantine was too thick to realize Boston was inside The Sea King but he never misses an opportunity for a good con! And what better guy to go undercover than Boston Brand? Again. Actually, I think that's all he's really good for.

The final page is a bit of a preview of what The Phantom Stranger has been up to. What else but betrayal? He's joined forces with The Blight and there's no way he's faking it or conning The Blight at all! He's definitely turned traitor! Again! Actually, I think that's all he's really good for.

Justice League Dark #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. At least they didn't battle the Blight the entire time! And I'm glad that they set up infiltrating The Crime Syndicate with Dead Sea King. Oh man, I am so excited for the revelation that Sea King is actually the father of Superwoman's baby!

Justice League #26

I hope we get Power Ring's origin story this issue! I want to see the Moth Monk Volthoom!

I've just been singing, to the tune of "Brand New Key," "I've got a great big bag of candy, you've got a bag of poo."

It looks like this issue takes place immediately after Forever Evil #4 when Sinestro decided to crash the party. You can't see Batman and Catwoman here but they're around someplace. Unless Batman got what he needed and has already Mother Boxed the fuck out of here.

Instead of getting Power Ring's origin, we get a brief synopsis of Grid's origin. It's just as boring as you'd expect an origin about a robot would be. He was like a spark or something and then he wanted to be a real boy and then he learned he wasn't and never could be and now he's angry. The end!

It turns out Grid has been downloading files about the Crime Syndicate via the mobile servers in Owlman's outfit. He's already learned about Ultraman and Owlman's origins (the last two issues!) and now he hopes to learn more about another being! Oh boy! I hope it's Power Ring! Please let it be Power Ring. He's got to be on the cover for some reason, right? And he's the most connected to feelings!

At first I thought the "sktch sktch sktch" sound effects were Jordan masturbating.

Yay! Power Ring! And it looks like he's being tapped to bomb the shit out of Nanda Parbat for Boston Brand. Which means he'll probably crash there and be taken in by the Moth Monk Volthoom who will trick him into wearing the cursed ring in retaliation for bombing Volthoom's country. Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Yep, yep. It's the "or something." Harold Jordan has been spying on Ferris and selling their secrets. He's about to get his ass kicked by Carol's dad when the Ring chooses him because he's the easiest being on the planet to control and the biggest sucker to boot.

Um, no. I think I'll pass. Thanks for the opportunity though, melty alien dude!

Jordan can't resist the ring for long and allows it to graft itself to his finger. Then it insists that he charge it which consists of opening a pocket dimension with a Lovecraftian beast that fucks Jordan's arm until the ring is fully charged. The creature is probably what moths actually look like but we can only see a limited amount of them due to our being stuck in the third dimension. That's probably why moths look, to us, as if they're fluttering around chaotically. We can only see a small aspect of them. If we could see in the number of dimensions that moths exist within, their movement would make sense and we would become gibbering sacks of tears and moans, covered in our newly released fecal matter. Fucking moths.

Grid decides that story didn't give him a chubby, so he moves on to learn the origin of Johnny Quick and Atomica.

Even on Earth 3, all interactions with Speedsters result in speed-related puns! Except they're not called "puns" on Earth 3. They're called "witticisms."

Atomica saves Johnny from these rogue cops by smashing a truck into the police van. I bet Johnny will kill and then urinate on them. And while he's urinating on them, he'll be struck by lightning resulting in Speed Force Powers! Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Once again, it's the "or something." The struck by lightning part is still the same but no urination. And it happens atop STAR Labs so they both get different powers due to being affected by different STAR Labs experiments. But they still love each other and Grid somehow begins to believe that love is important and that maybe he can learn it. No, no. Grid, it's not important at all. It's really just a time sink! You won't be able to work on any of your World Destroying Projects once you get in a relationship. And you can't be completely honest anymore! You have to hide the horrible, awful, disgusting person you really are or else the person you love will throw up and leave you!

The next to last Crime Syndicate member Grid needs to learn about is Professor Martin Stein, Deathstorm.

So Stein was working for The Hostage, was he? I still think it's Lex Luthor since he's trying to save the world.

Stein eventually merges himself with a corpse because that somehow seemed like a good idea. So that's where the "death" part of his name comes from. But why the "storm" part? Because he rains down death upon the living?

Superwoman's files were deleted so we don't get to learn how Lois Lane became Superwoman. My guess (and you've seen how good my guesses have been so far!) is that she gained her powers by a steady diet of Kryptonian Semen. That's probably right on. No need to find those lost files, Grid!

Meanwhile, somebody says "Soon." to The Hostage and he smiles through his sack. And over in STAR Labs, Silas Stone has somehow performed a second miracle in his short life! Although it's the same miracle where he saved his son from certain death. But I think the second miracle took better than the first one because his son seems far more optimistic this time.

I wonder if Cyborg will request a horse penis since his father has to totally rebuild him anyway.

Justice League #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. That's one ranking for every origin. Johnny Quick and Atomica's origin counts as one! And I didn't count Grid's because he's a robot and I'm against all forms of Artificial Intelligence. If God had wanted robots to think, he would have given them that ability when he created the world. Also, he would have created robots.

Forever Evil #4

I understand that there are people that like David Finch's art. Those people are wrong. So very, very wrong. In an objective sense!

Judging by this cover, Batman and Lex Luthor are going to wind up in a horrible teleportation accident. Or maybe they take the night off to go clubbing? And at some point during the night, Lex Luthor becomes a dwarf. Then while they're dancing at the club, Batman slips on a banana peel and accidentally slides into Lex Luthor's fist, causing his tongue to unravel and slide out of his mouth. Meanwhile Ultraman watches them from a distance while the other Crime Syndicate members stare off in random directions.

I'm also not sure why two question marks were used when pointing out that Lex Luthor and Batman might be humanity's last hope. Is that the proper punctuation for stating something not in the least surprising that would cause a person to consider briefly and then completely agree with.

Less Informed Scared Citizen: "Who will save us?!"
Slightly More Informed Scared Citizen: "Batman and Lex Luthor??"
Now Slightly More Informed and Not Quite as Scared Citizen: "Hmm. Oh yeah. I can see that. I like our chances!"

Also, Lex Luthor's armor makes him look fatter than Batwing in his armor.

Here David Finch displays his method for differentiating men and women: men get lots of lines on their faces; women get shiny clear skin.

Obviously Batman is about to show Selina the size of his cock here.

I know, right?

That's the final panel of page one. And anybody that knows anything about David Finch knows that he's the number two artist when you want gigantic, waste-of-space, double-paged splashes. Tony S. Daniel, of course, is number one. So when I turned the page, I was expecting Batman's huge cock to throb across the length of the comic book. I actually got out a washcloth and some lotion in preparation! But to my chagrin, it was just a huge, double-page splash of the fucking Batcave.

Whatever. Okay, blood, you can head back to the brain and extremities. You're not actually going to be needed down there.

Catwoman seems to be on friendly terms with Batman so I guess she forgave him for kicking her off of a motorcycle and nearly smearing her pretty lips all across the streets of Gotham. Batman and Catwoman need to grab a few things in the Batcave before heading off to stop the Crime Syndicate on Batman's steam-powered motorcycle. So those are Batman's only choices? Either vehicles wholly reliant on computers or a steam-powered motorcycle. He doesn't have a Volkswagen or an old Mustang or something? I bet Alfred has a fully mechanical car somewhere! Although you might have to crank his to get it started.

Oh Selina. Your contingency plan is in Batman's pants. Unless you're just hinting at an engagement ring here.

Batman decides to give Catwoman a little tour of his boxes so she can know some of those secrets of his that might put her in danger. He's got a Kryptonite Ring in his Superman box which Grid will be happy to learn about. He's got a Sinestro Corps Ring to help him defeat Green Lantern if it ever comes to that. He's got a tiny vibrator from the future for The Flash. He's got a Mother Box to help defeat Cyborg.

Just like Aquaman! Ha ha!

Wonder Woman's box was also empty because she's unbeatable. Unless it was filled with chocolate and Batman ate it. Grid is watching this entire exchange through a Bat-Security Camera so now he knows how Batman hopes to defeat the Crime Syndicate. Or maybe all he cared about was the Kryptonite for Ultraman.

Meanwhile Lex Luthor and his new gang (Black Manta, Black Adam, Black Bizarro, and Captain Black Cold) are preparing to go to war against the Crime Syndicate too. Captain Cold has finished creating a new Cold Gun because Deathstorm took his powers. I guess DC's policy of Meta-Humanizing everybody has been reversed a bit. Even Mirror Master made a new Mirror Gun over in Rogues Rebellion. I actually like Captain Cold better when he's just this guy with some advanced technology. I hope Captain Boomerang gets the treatment too so he's not manifesting boomerangs anymore and has to rely on a bunch of the weapons strapped to his chest. Just like the good old Preboot Days!

Back in Utah, Ultraman pulls the Kryptonite heart from Metallo because he needs a quick fix. I guess that's the end of John Corbin Metallo! But that doesn't mean it's the end of Metallo himself! He'll get a replacement soon, I'm sure. Superwoman arrives to give Ultraman the good news. And some bad news. The good news is she's pregnant! And the bad news is in the scan below.

As you can clearly see from the rendering of each character's skin, Superwoman is a woman and Ultraman is a man. Umm, their names may also have been a clue.

You know, I type the wrong word on occasion. You've probably noticed if you read these commentaries when they're published. If you read them a month after, you may think I rarely make mistakes. Oh how wrong you'd be. In my commentary on Red Hood and The Outlaws #25, I typed "time" when I meant to type "team." Fucking brain is a joke sometimes. I mention this because I just typed "there" in the previous caption and noticed it when I came back from doing some Tumblring and corrected it to "their." I mention this because it got me thinking about how quick people are to point out errors like that, often in a way that shouts, "You're an idiot and I'm obviously more superior than you since I know the difference between 'there,' 'their,' and 'they're.'" As opposed to, you know, ignoring it if it's something as casual as a Facebook Status Update because you know your friend obviously knows the difference but brains have a way of farting out incorrect information at times when people are typing fast. Something like this blog, I'd expect, if people did comment on my errors, that they'd do it in a kindly and informative manner, as in, "Hey, did you notice you fucking screwed up in that line where you meant to say 'time' but said 'team'?" They might understand that this is a stream-of-consciousness blog and I'm really not doing any editing on the thing until later. I never reread my commentaries after finishing them. But when you get to professional publications where people are being paid for the content, and where other people are being paid for editing that content, I think, by all means, flip the fuck out and call them out on it!

The preceding paragraph was brought to you by Rationalizing My Own Errors In A Way That Still Allows Me To Bust DC's Balls About Theirs.

Back in Central City, Deathstorm is called back to Crime Syndicate Headquarters to work on learning to transmute everything to Kryptonite for Ultraman. That might be where Firestorm is being held since Firestorm has that power and Deathstorm needs to learn it. And the rest of the Justice Leagues and their members are trapped within Firestorm. Power Ring is left to hunt Captain Cold all by himself. But first his ring needs to be charged and Power Ring is afraid of his ring and the way it charges. The ring really is a fucking bully. Power Ring needs to stand up to his bully and refuse to charge it! Can't he see it'll leave him alone once its charge dies? Although maybe that would leave Power Ring in a state of withdrawal. Who knows? Power Ring is a weird guy.

Power Ring demands that Grid send help because he's afraid to be alone with the ring. So Grid does but I don't suppose I'll see who Grid sends until I read Justice League #26. It won't be Johnny Quick and Erotica because they're battling the Doom Patrol. Why am I not reading that story? Why hasn't the Doom Patrol been featured anywhere yet? WHAT IS THE FUCKING HOLDUP? I wonder if The Doom Patrol is just The Chief and eighteen really fucked up clones of Gen-13?

Under Metropolis, Luthor and Pals are trying to find a way up into Wayne Enterprises (Metropolis Division) but Subject B-Zero is afraid of the dark and doesn't want to go any further.

I loved Preboot Bizarro. And now I love Reboot Bizarro!

Luthor and Pals break in only to discover Batman and Catwoman already ripping off Bruce Wayne. It's their first clue that any of Earth's biggest heroes survived the Crime Syndicate's invasion. Before a fight erupts between these soon to be allies, Power Ring and his backup crash through the wall! Power Ring's backup consists of Giganta, Deathstroke, Blockbuster, Copperhead, and Shadow Thief. Because those fuckers are everywhere this month. And maybe last month. And probably the month before.

While Luthor and Pals battle Deathstroke and Friends, Batman decides it's time to become really fucking scary.

Really? A bat? Is that all you can fucking come up with, Batman?

I wasn't reading comic books during all of Green Lantern's Lantern War comics, so I don't know if Batman wore a Yellow Ring then or not. I can't imagine that the chance was missed though. His entire theme is based on putting fear into the hearts of criminals. So who better than Batman to wield a Yellow Ring? Who fucking scarier?!

Also, I really like the simple yet striking change to the costume. Now I want a Sinestro Corps Batman Costume.

Batman's ring only has enough charge for the one bat construct before it conks out. Pretty shitty last stand, Batman! But it does have one other desired effect (I guess?): it attracts the attention of that long lost master of fear, Sinestro! He comes crashing in to beat the shit out of Power Ring. Or something. Who knows why he's back because who the fuck knows where he's been?

Forever Evil #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm really enjoying the Forever Evil series. Or at least various parts of it. This was one of those various parts I enjoyed. I was a bit disappointed in Batman's short-lived career in the Sinestro Corps here. Especially since he acted like he was a Red Lantern while wearing the ring. Do Yellow Rings hurt the wearer too if the ring wasn't meant for the person wielding it? It was a nice moment before it continued though! Maybe if Batman had put it on his penis, he would have stood a better chance against Power Ring's snake constructs.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #26

The Joker? Is it The Joker! I bet it's The Joker! Oh wait! I recognize that collar! It's Preboot 80s Nightwing!

I just finished my last Fuck You New Year's Resolutions Oreo and now I feel sad. Truly, though, Oreos are pretty awesome. I wonder if the creator sold his soul to Satan for the recipe. Because it was worth it. I bet the cream filling is Satan's Jism. Although if that were the case, sucking off Satan in Hell wouldn't be a bad thing at all. It would be a reward! Can rewards and treats be given out in Hell? I bet they get everyone super excited about snack time as the demons pull them out of the burning lake of shit, remove them from the stakes they've been impaled on, chase the rabid dogs away from their gnawed on bodies. Then they lead them to the cafeteria where they're served the choice between Peeps or a long suck on Satan's dick. Peeps were also a snack item created by a person that sold their soul to Satan. But they didn't want to sell their soul for something delicious. The inventor of Peeps sold their soul to make the moronic and ignorant love the shitty, disgusting, nasty marshmallow snack. Oh, I know, you're thinking, "What?! I love Peeps!" I bet, you moronic and ignorant lost soul. I bet you'd choose a Peep over sucking Satan's dick every time! Idiot!

Meanwhile, Red Hood and the Outlaws begins telling a story from one year ago. That story is when Talia resurrected Jason Todd.

One year ago, hunh? I think that might be slightly off, DC.

I'm glad Bronze Tiger exists in this form in The New 52. All of the young Were-Tigers and Rakshasa's must have been feeling so underrepresented in comic books. It's good to see that they have a role model now.

And then back in the present, Ra's al Ghul is flipping the fuck out on Jason Todd. Shouldn't he be happy that Jason Todd helped restore the Ultimate Lazarus Pit? Wasn't that what Ra's wanted all along? I guess he realized the plan was a good one but that afterward, he'd have to kill Jason Todd since he was mainly Talia's pawn. And Talia has been getting the best of him lately, so Ra's has got to make some kind of move.

It's also possible that I just don't know what the fuck is going on. I've spent a lot of time reading Red Hood and the Outlaws while my mind was on other things, like good comic books and games I'd rather be playing, and masturbating into a street busker's coin cup.

Meanwhile Ducra (more powerful than anybody could ever know now that she's been struck down) and Essence are hanging out beyond the gates of the City of Assassins biding their time. Their time will come after Jason Todd saves the day. Then they, I don't know, bring sandwiches?

Oh Roy. Don't give him false hope. It's not like he's The Goddamned Batman. Besides, he doesn't have a gun!

Jason Todd begins acting sensibly although it's a bit too late for it. The plot device where he got mad at Roy and Starfire because they chose to honor his decision to remove his memories was just total bullshit. A horribly contrived event to split up the group. Because if Jason Todd were intelligent (which I have to assume he isn't after the stories I've read in this comic book series), he would have realized that he knew he was a murderer before losing his memories and that he himself wanted to forget about being a murderer and it's his own stupid amnesiac fault that he didn't trust his own self's decisions. Roy and Kory trusted him more than he trusted himself! Maybe he should have left a note to himself that said, "Don't try to remember, you stupid fuck. Also, Roy and Kory are your friends. You enjoy having sex with them. And Oreos. You love Oreos."

And then Roy Harper tells Jason Todd that he's had the power within him all along to remember his memories! All he has to do is tap his heels three times! And believe! And finger Roy Harper's asshole while sucking his cock. Sorry, Jason Todd! Them's the rules!

Oh look! Now he doesn't want to know what he forgot! Now he trusts his old self! Fuck you, Jason Todd! Fuck you right in your urethra.

Ra's al Ghul prepares to kill Roy and Starfire while Jason watches so Jason decides he'd better remember everything. So he remembers a lot of fighting but no sex. Damn. I was hoping he'd remember fucking people. I suppose the fucking memories won't help him escape now. But maybe remembering some of the stuff Batman taught him will!

And that's what happens! He remembers how to pick locks! I wonder if he also remembered how to masturbate using a room temperature watermelon? It might have helped in this situation!

Ducra is a bit upset for some reason. Apparently Jason Todd wasn't supposed to remember himself yet. Now he's going to save the day his way and not the way she wanted him to save it! I think I liked her plan better because her plan would have resulted in Roy Harper getting killed. Although Starfire would have had to die as well and I don't have anything against her. Oh well. I might even agree to Ted Kord never ever again making an appearance at DC in exchange for never having to read another Roy Harper Narration Box!

Jason Todd begins battling Men-Bats and starts off with the line, "Is that all you've got?" Really, Todd? I might have expected that crap from you when you'd lost your memory but you should know better now! Boring, cliche bullshit. It's possibly the single most predictable and boring thing anybody can ever say whilst playing a game of Monopoly!

Sorry. Had a bit of a Young Ones glitch there.

Next Todd takes out Lady Shiva in a few panels but he explains it while he does it so it doesn't seem as improbable as it really is. See, when he trained under her, she taught him how to defeat her because she's a fucking moron. I mean, yes, technically she taught him how to defeat somebody as skilled as she is. Still a stupid move. Also, if Jason Todd knows that move that takes out Lady Shiva in a few panels, why does he have a problem against anybody ever?

Oh, I see. Because the Crane Kick doesn't work on Weretigers!

It's a good thing Bronze Tiger isn't fighting to win since there are no shortcuts to beating him! He's actually just killing time while Cheshire frees Starfire and Roy because Benji and Jade have decided that they don't want to work for crazy all-powerful Ra's al Ghul. Talia probably gives better benefits and vacation time.

Once Jason and his outlaws are back fighting side by side, he informs them that this has been the plan all along. I'm not sure which plan it's been all along. Probably Talia's plan. He also mentions needing to throw some water on a witch and the only witch in the area is Ducra. Unless he means Ra's but Ra's just soaked in the pool so how does that work? One exposure good; two bad? That's what happened to the Untitled, right? Anyway was Talia's plan to destroy Ducra and possibly her father as well? I think Ducra's plan was to keep Jason Todd an amnesiac so that he would be pure enough to apply the Dragon Punch to Ra's al Ghul and knock the immortality out of him. Essence still doesn't know what the fuck is going on. And Ducra now believes that Jason Todd is about to die. I guess it will all just sort itself out next month.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #26 Rating: No change. I just can't wait until this story arc is over because it will leave behind the last vestiges of Scott Lobdell's taint on this story and its characters. Jason Todd has his memory back and the Untitled are gone. Hopefully Ducra will be taken care of next and Essence will go away and join the Teen Titans. And then Tynion can begin writing stories that only deal with the stuff he's begun concerning Talia and Ra's and the League of Assassins.

New Guardians #26

I would doom all futures to save one present with my name on it. I hope it's cookies!

Kyle Rayner and Carol Ferris were visiting the most wonderful planet in the universe, a place called Exuras. Well, the place was wonderful until they stuck their noses into its business to find out how it ticks! Now it's quickly becoming one of the worst planets to live on because it's at war with all of its alternative selves which it has been stealing good moments from. Although it's been giving them bad moments in return, so Exuras is probably just going to trade this revolt to some other poor version of itself.

Kyle can't stop the invasion with words even though he tries his hardest before resorting to violence. That means he spent two sentences telling the invaders to go back where they came from. But they don't listen. So what else can he do but beat them soundly? His hands were practically tied!

What is that construct? Is he trying to drive them away using oral sex?

So Kyle can't talk the invaders out of fighting because Kyle sucks at orating. And Kyle can't physically remove the invaders from this timeline because Exuras won't allow any violence. But Evil Nias from Hell seems to have a trick up his sleeve which allows him to cause as much chaos and destruction as he wants. He can control the Exuras Happy Nanos so that the entire structure of the planet is at his control. He and his evil grandfather use the Happy Nanos to turn the Cracked Mirror of Alternate Timeline Viewing into a "Miniature Fourth-Dimensional Fold Mechanism." I think what that means is that all of the repercussions caused by the Exurasans across all of the timelines are now crashing down on Paradise to turn it into a Super Duper Hell. What that also means is that enough power has been diverted that Kyle Rayner can now get back to committing as many violent atrocities as his comic book artist mind can think up.

Judging by the state of comic books, that's a whole lot of atrocity!

I'd be pissed too if someone stole my happy endings. Why the fuck am I paying for this massage then?

All of this could have simply been avoided if the Exurasans hadn't allowed their disgruntled teenagers to stay in the damaged timelines! I'm sure that's how Evil Nias from Hell learned that his timeline had been altered. How else could he know except through an outside observer? Or magic! Or super science that seems like magic! Or divine intervention! I sometimes forget that I'm reading a comic book and so my range of options regarding how something came about are far greater than reality where the only options are God or Allah. No, that's not quite right. The only options are what name you give to the obviously same God of The Book that is making all of your decisions for you and creating the world as you go through miracles and making you a success if you're pious enough or a failure if you're sinful.

Ha ha! Just kidding! The only reason things are the way they are and that things unfold the way they unfold is Ganesha! Who is actually a Buddhist. I think it's okay to worship a god that is of a different religion than you are, right? You can just shake your head and go, "Oh, Ganesha! Remover of obstacles! Creator of everything! You're so silly in your belief of Buddha! Have you no self-confidence or self-esteem?" Or you just get online and type, "smh," because you're opinion is obviously so much better than Ganesha's that it's almost too ridiculous to even have to respond. But you have to respond to show everybody that your opinion is so much wiser and more advanced than everybody else's (including a god's!) that all you can manage is a shake of your head.

Usually I can figure out internet acronyms from context but "smh" was one of the few that I eventually had to look up way back whenever I finally got sick of reading it as "suck my hard-on" or "stuff Mister Horse" or "stab my head."

While Kyle and Carol battle against Evil Nias from Hell and his army, The Bohemian Guardians believe they've figured out how to save Exuras. They head to the Cracked Mirror of Viewing where Evil Nias from Hell's Grandfather is busy writing code in the air. Instead of beating him to a pulp, maybe they'll help him return all of the timelines to normal. That might leave Exuras in an awkward state of imperfection but at least it will que sera what it was supposed to sera.

Or the Bohemian Guardians will get Nias to have sex with his grandfather! That will create some kind of time paradox, right?

Also, and I say this as someone that doesn't give a fucking fuck about Style Handbooks and Chicago and all that shit, but I would have added an "s" after the apostrophe in "Nias'". Nobody would ever say, "It's not our fight. It's Nias'." Everyone in the universe would say "Nias's." And if you're hearing that extra "s", you should acknowledge it, no matter what the fascists in Chicago might say!

Kyle battles Evil Nias from Hell while also trying to engage him in a debate about why he shouldn't be so angry about his dead family and his dead friends and his dead world. Kyle's argument amounts to "It's no excuse." Right. He can be angry all he wants. But how dare he express that anger at the people that caused his world to be a flaming pit of putrescence and flame?

This story is beginning to feel a bit like an allegory about America! I think Justin Jordan must be a Communist Sympathizer! How dare he point out that America's successes and luxuries rely on the poverty and ruination of multiple other countries (and timelines!)?! America is successful because we work hard and have bootstraps! If your country (or timeline!) wanted to be successful, maybe you shouldn't have sent all of your cheaply made bootstraps to us! Keep some for yourselves, stupids! Just because we've gotten amazingly fat and extremely wealthy on the suffering of other people in this world is no excuse to attack us! Violence is just plain wrong! How dare you! You could have calmly and rationally explained to us how we're hurting the rest of the world by our excesses and how we should learn to sacrifice just a little bit so that everyone's "hell is lessened" (that's a quote from last issue!). I mean, I suppose you may have been shouting at us for decades while we shopped and ignored you and drowned you out with our chanting of "USA! USA! USA!" But crashing planes into our buildings? No excuse for that, you assholes. You thought you knew suffering before when we were just pretending you weren't there? Well now we've noticed you! And we have bombs! That should shut you all up so we can get back to our video games. Jerks.

As America's (or Canada's (but really, what's the difference? They're just piggy-backing on our greed and success and threatening demeanor) greatest Russian writer Ayn Rand would say, "The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me." That's the most Ayn Rand I've ever read and it was on a t-shirt from Forever 21. What a classy store.

Well, duh, Good Nias! That's the entire fucking playbook! We are righteous and moral; they are heathens, monsters, and the most profligate sinners the world has ever (or will ever!) know!

Good Nias's Evil Nias's Evil Grandfather explains that he didn't want war and death and disaster. He just wanted his shit back! But come on, you naive bastard! What did you expect? Why would somebody steal your shit and then graciously give it back? You already know that they're ignorant dickheads because they callously stole from you in the first place. You knew you wouldn't get your time back by asking politely over a nice cup of space tea. So forget about what you wanted and just get to fixing things already before all the Exurasans across all times and spaces are killed!

The Guardians and Good Nias and Evil Nias's Evil Grandfather close the portal after Star Sapphire shoves the invaders back through it. Kyle stops Evil Nias and then lectures Good Nias about how evil he's been. And he gives the Exurasans an ultimatum: "Make this right. Or I will." Jesus. It always comes down to threats and violence, doesn't it, Kyle?!

Kyle does make a good point at the end though. The Exurasans had the technology to keep their planet a perpetual paradise. They also had the technology to visit other timelines and leave people behind. But, Kyle points out, they never thought about giving the Happy Nanos to the other timelines to help make their worlds better? Kind of a dick move. "Hey, we've got these things that make everybody happy! And we owe it all to you guys in your shitty timelines. Here, have a few disgruntled teenagers as payment!" Jerks.

Who knew Carol and I had so much in common!

New Guardians #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. I still don't really have any kind of emotional attachment to Kyle Rayner but I'm enjoying this comic book anyway. I think having Carol as an additional character in this book works really well. I like seeing her as a teammate and a confidant as opposed to a love interest that's always getting dumped on by Hal. I think she can really shine in this book as long as Justin Jordan refrains from turning Kyle and Carol's relationship into a romantic one. Can male and female co-workers never be just, you know, co-workers? The fact that I even have to ask that question and worry about the story taking that turn is telling. Why do writers feel that if a character is female, romance has to be included somewhere? I suppose because the female characters have long been used simply as the foil for the main, male character. So their sole role was that of romantic interest to the male. I think one of the reasons I enjoy Worlds' Finest so much (besides the friendship between The Huntress and Power Girl which is good stuff) is that they're two female leads that have their own agendas and lives. And Karen is a lot like Bruce Wayne in that she's a powerful business leader that loves sex but isn't interested in pursuing a relationship. Sure, she dated Mister Terrific for a bit but she was only using him to get her hands on his cock and his technology. So in closing my commentary on Green Lantern: New Guardians, I highly recommend Worlds' Finest!