Superman Loves Wonder Woman #20

I finally went outside today around seven PM and it looks like the end of the world up here in Portland! It smells like it too. The sun was a fiery red haze and the air is thick with smoke and burning and death and destruction. While walking to Fred Meyers, I passed by the people who sit out front of a halfway house on the way there talking about the cause. It seems to be the final leg of Project Cloverleaf. They've stepped up the chemtrail attacks! In less than a week, everybody in Portland will be mindless zombies programmed to spend, spend, spend so that the economy can grow, grow, grow! I also learned that one of them once fucked a demon in the ass and another one's mother was a real shrew. Now, I could believe the actual news reports about the smoke in the skies being from a fire in Washington but I think those halfway-homeless guys were really onto something.

It doesn't matter to me if the world ends before I read Tomasi's new Superman Loves Wonder Woman but I might be a little bit pissed if the world ends directly after I finish reading it. I don't want to die with a bad taste in my brain. And that's what'll happen if Peter Tomasi doesn't pick up his game and start making this book as wonderful as he made Batman Loves Robin. I mean, Batman and Robin. Maybe I should speak directly to Peter. I do have some pull at DC Comics! I'm pretty sure I got all of their horrible comics cancelled and finally made them see the light about Ann Nocenti's writing.

Dear Peter,

Come on, jerk! We loved and trusted you! Your name on the front of a book meant something! How could you let the fans down?! Even if editorial is forcing this stupid fucking story line and the ill-fated relationship of the title on you, you can't just roll over and write shit because you're pissed at them. Think of the fans! Think of the people who will never buy another Peter J. Tomasi title because they were soured by your work on Superman Loves Wonder Woman. I mean, this work has been awful! Just...just vile! I would rather go to a live poetry reading with white people reading poems while the audience drinks wine and contorts their faces in ways that try to show that they're getting more out of the poetry than any of the other white people! I would rather own a dog! I would rather have a baby! I would rather work a normal forty hour work week than my current ten hour work week! If you've forgotten what I'm trying to avoid doing by doing these other things I really don't want to do, let me remind you: it's reading Superman Loves Wonder Woman! I'm actually really concerned for your mental well-being. Have you had an MRI lately because there might be something seriously wrong with your brain? This comic book is so bad, I would never guess it was by the person who wrote three years of Batman and Robin. That series made me cry real tears at least four different times! This series makes me cry blood! And I don't think the human body is supposed to be doing that! Please, for the sake of my eyeballs and white shirts, start writing better! Thank you for hearing me out, Pete. We know you can fix this!

Your Friend (although don't hold me to that if we ever meet in public because I don't really like other people much),
Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

This issue begins in a promising way that probably won't go in the direction that I want it to go!

Come on, Trevor! Say it! Strap on those testicles and say it! "You're fucking the woman I love!"

Right off the bat, I have problems. I like the idea of Clark and Steve having a conversation made awkward by Superman's current relationship. But I don't like the idea of Superman entering the Oval Office with two unconscious secret service men. Why would Superman ever physically harm anybody for just doing their job? Unless their job was robbing banks or making puppies fight. Maybe Superman realizes it's less embarrassing failing to protect the president if you've been punched out by Superman as opposed to Superman carrying you into the Oval Office by the scruff of your neck as you impotently struggle to get free. That would be pretty humiliating, right?

Meanwhile at the aptly named Salvation Technology Emergency Evaluation Laboratory so that it can be acronymed into STEEL, the mysterious people behind the raid on the Kent Family Farm plot and machinate and plot. Why would Steel's company steal all of Superman's family's things for STEEL?! Isn't he supposed to be a good guy? It's possible that Lana Lang mentioned how she once lent Clark Kent her copy of Catcher in the Rye which she really wanted back because she had marked up a whole bunch of important passages that totally helped her become a strong individual and to totally organize that walk out at Smallville Junior High when they wouldn't let any of the students wear sunglasses.

I don't understand how it was a bombshell. Do people in the DC Youniverse not understand what a secret identity is? What's the big deal? So Superman was a reporter! Now everybody hates and mistrusts him? Jared Fogle was revealed to be a pedophile and people are still eating Subway sandwiches!

I suppose ARGUS exhumed Clark Kent's relatives to see if they're a bunch of aliens too. That totally makes sense! I suppose Lois could have sat Clark Kent down for an interview about the matter before she just published an article exposing his secret. With her relationship with him, isn't it her journalistic responsibility to get his side of the story? Couldn't she have asked him if his parents were human? Why did she have to botch this article so badly when every other thing she writes wins a Pulitzer?!

It seems a bunch of Clark's associates have also been taken by STEEL. Remember how Lana and Steel were missing?! I guess Steel stole himself! Unless STEEL isn't Steel's corporation. That would be weird, right?

Wow. I'd say you fooled yourself on that one, Steve.

Trevor goes on to theorize that heroes who wear masks are more honest because they're open about hiding their identity. I think he's finally getting around to venting about Wonder Woman! I think he just called her a lying, manipulative ex-girlfriend!

Meanwhile, his lying, manipulative ex-girlfriend is marching straight through STEEL to get her boyfriend's things back. She also has no problem knocking out innocent people just doing their jobs.

Let's see. Why wouldn't Diana, Arthur, or Victor need secret identities? Wonder Woman doesn't need to protect the Amazons or her teammates. Arthur doesn't need to protect Mera or Aquadog. And Victor isn't dating Sarah and doesn't give a shit if anybody kills his dad Silas. Also, I mean, what is Vic going to do? Where a trench coat and a fedora everywhere he goes? That would be worse than people knowing his identity.

Superman opens up about why he kept a secret identity and what he's saying to Steve is the fucking interview that Lois Lane should have gotten! She would have won the Mega-Pulitzer with this stuff! But Lois is currently being rescued from STEEL by Wonder Woman.

President Barack Obama interrupts Trevor and Kent after Clark's moving speech about why he kept a secret identity. I guess it's time for President Obama to tell Americans that it's okay to love him again! Then everybody will say, "Oh! If the president thinks it then it must be okay! We love Superman again!" Except of course Fox News and its viewership who will despise Superman even more now.

He's right! If there were a real life superhero and I found out he was moonlighting as a mild-mannered reporter, I'd be fucking terrified!

Barack Obama assures Superman that his friends will be released as soon as the government is done with them. Whoops! That means Wonder Woman just fucked it all up and everybody is going to super distrust Superman now! And probably Wonder Woman too! I bet Superman yells at her later!

While Clark and Barack head back inside, Parasite attacks! Why Parasite?! He's gotten way too much on-panel time since The New 52 began. Superman has other enemies! Like Titano! Or Starro! Or any of a number of jerks whose name sounds like a breakfast cereal.

Back at STEEL, Wonder Woman has Lois Lane interview everybody about Superman. They don't show it but she's probably having them all tell their stories with her lasso tied around them. Oh! How about letting Lois interview Clark like that too?! Jesus Christ did Lois fuck this story up. If only she'd gone straight to the source, I bet this entire mess could have been avoided. But instead, she had to print a story that caused fear because fear makes the media money! Bastards.

And this is why I still love Peter J. Tomasi! He's taking a crappy Superman story arc and he's writing the fucking hell out of it. Finally! I knew you could do it, Peter! I never lost faith! Except for a few months of darkness there but that was because I was weak from Convergence! I'm much better now!

During the interviews, Lois asks Clark's friends if he's ever let them down. You can tell they're under the influence of the lasso because when Lana is asked, she hesitates and says, "He should...he should have saved my parents." Ack. Ugh. I think the blood is coming from my eyes again! No, wait, um...it's not blood! We're good here.

Boom! 'nuff said! Err, wrong company. Sorry!

I want to scan in each of the responses from the people who knew Clark. They're all so fucking good! But I must withhold something for people who actually want to enjoy this book when it comes out in trade because why buy it now when the previous issues have been so crappy, right?

Superman doesn't quite defeat Parasite but Parasite doesn't beat Superman either since Superman has so little power to absorb now. Instead, Obama's Chief of Staff snaps his fingers and Parasite collapses. He was brought in from Task Force X as a precaution in case Superman went rogue. But as it stands, Superman seems to be trusted again, at least by the president and, I guess, Steve Trevor. Clark is given the location of his friends which means he'll arrive just in time to hear Lois Lane declare her love for Clark Kent! Probably!

This is going to get awkward!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #20 Rating: +6 Ranking. This is the issue that made this entire Superman loses his power and becomes mistrusted by everybody worth it. Well, maybe not exactly worth it but it definitely redeemed it to a large extent. I feel bad about calling out Tomasi before reading this issue because this issue is exactly the kind of thing I expect from Tomasi. It's touching and funny and spectacularly well executed. I no longer have to worry that Tomasi has brain cancer although now I have to worry about Tomasi getting brain cancer because I'll feel bad for even suggesting it. But my belief in Tomasi is reforged even stronger! There's probably an analogy here somewhere about making steel harder or something, so go with that analogy when you come up with it. The only issue I had with the book is that it kind of gives Obama the credit for being the rational guy who decided to keep things civil and talk out the problem. That's who Superman should be in every single issue he appears in! Perhaps he just needs to encounter more people willing to engage in frank conversation. And better writers too!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #1

If this comic book is going to be accurate then they must portray Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman as a character nobody seemed to be able to make interesting.

The previous caption may not be true since I never read any Wonder Woman before Crisis On Infinite Earths. I also never read any Wonder Woman post-Crisis or Pre-Zero Hour or Post-Zero Hour or Pre-Final Crisis or Post-Final Crisis or Pre-Flashpoint. I mean, obviously I never read any because I'm a guy and guys can't understand female protagonists even when they're written by male writers. Just imagine how confusing reading Simone's Wonder Woman was for a male comic book reader!

This issue was written by Larry Hama who I instantly assumed I had never read anything by. But his name seemed familiar enough that I asked Lord Google about him. Lord Google passed me off to Princess Wikipedia who pointed out that I had read many, many, many, many super-duper short stories by Larry Hama on the backs of the G.I. Joe Action Figure cards! He also wrote the G.I. Joe comic book series by Marvel so I'm sure I've read the occasional comic book from that line as well. I never collected it but across my early years before collecting monthly books, I read an odd assortment of comic books that fell into my hands. I remember quite a few G.I. Joe comic books just prior to my starting to really get into comic books.

With all of that experience writing G.I. Joe, Larry Hama should be a natural at writing Wonder Woman!

That was a joke, nerds! Now somebody is probably ready to tell me that he edited Wonder Woman as well as Welcome Back, Kotter because they'll have forgotten that Princess Wikipedia just told me everything there is to know about Larry Hama! I'm allowed to make stupid, ignorant jokes, you know! I may not agree with everything I say but I'll die for the right of me to say those things!

This issue is called "I Sung of Chaos and Eternal Night" because peeeeee-yuke! What am I reading? John Keats?! Samuel Taylor Coleridge?! Percy "I Can't Believe My Name is Percy" Shelley?! That other guy that wrote about that abbey and shit?! You know the guy! The one with the obnoxious name! Wordsworth!

Consulting Lord Google, I wasn't even close, really. The line is from John Milton which is even more PEEEEEEE-YUKE! than I thought because I actually kind of like the romantic poets. But Milton?! Fuck Milton! Although we kind of have Milton to thank for Nick Cave's "Red Right Hand," right?!

I should read more about the poem this quote is from so I can instantly understand this story before even reading it!

How many of you are familiar with John Milton? Here's the first couple of lines from the poem which this quote is from just so you can also peee-yuke and scream, "Fuck Milton!", right along with me.

Hail holy light, of spring of Heav'n first-born,
Or of th' Eternal Coeternal beam
May I express thee unblam'd? since God is light,
And never but in unapproached light
Dwelt from Eternitie, dwelt then in thee,
Bright effluence of bright essence increate.

Pardon me while I peeeeeee-yuke! again! Although after reading the rest of the poem, I'm kind of feeling like a jackass because I think the gist of the poem has to do with his having lost his sight and never again being able to see the glorious light and the sheep and shit. Although I feel a bit redeemed by his arrogant ending about how, since he can't see all the cool shit we can see, he's allowed to have all kinds of glorious and poetic insights that us "sighties" can't appreciate because we're too busy looking at vaginas and penises. What a jerk! I have poetic insights all the time and I can see kittens and flowers and everything!

Before you heterosexuals begin wanking to this, that's Steve Trevor! I know, I know! I jerked off a little bit to it too!

Steve has been pouting for the last year and Diana has been helping people in the east end slums of Gotham. Plus she's been walking around in her underwear a lot.

Is that a positive depiction of spirituality? When people are confronted by something they can't comprehend, they seek comfort in the incomprehensible!

Wonder Woman has been providing what comfort she can to the dying residents of Gotham. Since all the morphine and pain killers are gone, she's helping old, dying people join cults so they feel comfort in wacky-doodle nonsense. Aww! That's so sweet! It's a good thing Batman doesn't have this job! Unless dying people take comfort in being told nothing but unending darkness and silence await them in the grave.

Diana's friend Etta Candy who I don't know but I love her delicious name believes that angels will one day come down and lift the Dome from Gotham. She's sort of right. Angels? Planet Brainiac? Who's to say one is different from the other?

Speaking of Planet Brainiac, he gives that speech that I read every time even though I was already sick of it after Convergence #0.

I might be a believer if more priests put their Holy Sticks where their mouths are. As opposed to putting them where the altar boys' mouths are.

The leader of the cult prepares to throw Diana in the oubliette that is a fixture of all churches, right? But before they can throw the unconscious Diana in the hole, one of the cult members discovers Diana's Wonder Woman outfit in her bag. That's when they really begin to freak out! They even resort to horrible words like "Satan" and "witch" and "idolator." They probably think words like "slut" and "whore" too but they don't want to overstep any lines.

Etta Candy rushes off to find Steve Trevor while Diana is tied up with her own lasso and thrown into a deep, dark hole. Well, that's it for Wonder Woman! No way can she get out of her own lasso! Or climb out of a deep hole! And what good will Steve Trevor be? It's not like he has a jet on hand!

Why the rush? I'm sure there's time for a little Hide The Strap-On Sausage Deep Inside Steve Trevor's Colon. I'm sure there's also some kind of pinata fucking joke I could make about Etta but I'm not as clever as John Milton.

As Candy and Trevor rush off to save Damsel Princess, the barrio boys watch as vampires come flying into their city. I hope they're current on their vampire lore!

Hey old people! Remember when we weren't completely inundated by vampire stories? Sure, we had Salem's Lot which was scary as fuck. And Lost Boys which was silly but we all had to pretend it was super cool. And Fright Night which had Roddy McDowell so how could you not love it? And Anne Rice was resting on her laurels with that whole Interview With A Vampire book that not a whole shitload of people had really read because it was sitting on the shelves with that God-awful cover on it. Remember? Let me see if Lord Google remembers.

Okay, this isn't horrible. It's actually kind of representative of the book. Definitely not misleading because the book is more fancy-pants than horror. It's actually the back cover I was remembering!

Yeeesh!

I guess the design worked though because I remember wanting to read the book but my mom didn't think it was appropriate for me. But those images stuck with me and I eventually saw the book again when The Vampire Lestat was published and they reworked the design on the covers.

Anyway, Diana saves herself because she wasn't tied up with her own rope at all (although she would have gotten out of that even easier). She realizes she once again has the powers of an Amazon and busts out of the rope and most of her clothes. Woo hoo! Just to be clear: I'm woo-hooing for her near-nakedness and not her fantastic escape.

Meanwhile the cult members receive some new guests.

Dumby! Angels don't need to be invited in! That's vampires! Did you not watch Fright Night!?

The cult members are slaughtered by the vampires from Vampire Gotham City. But it happens off panel and no women have sexual thoughts so this comic book can retain its Teen Rating. Steve and Etta stumble onto the bodies and are confronted by the vampires! It's Vampire Joker and Vampire Poison Ivy and Vampire Catwoman! Scary! And sexy! And more sexy!

Wonder Woman arrives to save the day but not before The Joker flies off with Etta Candy. I think the final page of this issue will be Etta stepping out from the shadows all vampired up!

The couple splits up. Wonder Woman rushes off to stop The Joker while Steve Trevor remains behind to be killed by Ivy, Catwoman, and the newly vampirized cult members.

Close enough!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #1 Rating: Yo Joe! I liked this Convergence issue! Now you know and knowing is half the battle!

A.R.G.U.S. #6

That's the weakest palindrome I've ever seen.

I think this is the only palindrome I've ever purposely come up with: "So? Got Togo's?" Although it's entirely possible that everything I've ever written up to this point in my life is one huge palindrome. Stop nerd snorting at me! I didn't say it was probable!

I'm only going on about palindromes because Superwoman is making me really uncomfortable on the cover of this comic book. She's looking me right in the eyes and daring me to masturbate to this BDSM sex orgy! But I have to decline. I only take part in BDSM&Ms orgies.

Meanwhile in the Green Room! But first, I should point out that I used meanwhile incorrectly here. But I had to segue out of that uncomfortable last paragraph somehow!

Isn't "beyond classified" where it's so classified that it comes back around to being public knowledge?

So ARGUS has been around for hundreds of years before super heroes began gracing every street corner, hunh? What did the name stand for in earlier incarnations? Agrarians Rapidly Growing Usable Soy? Anarchists Reeducating Government Uncle Sams? Asshole Redcoats Getting Upset Suddenly? Those aren't any worse than Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans! Which, seriously, should be ARGUSH.

The Green Man explains that ARGUS existed in the 1700s and was called the "Armed Revolutionaries Governing Under Secrecy." So a secret government manipulating the new continent from behind the scenes, hunh? And even though they were secret and couldn't tell anybody what ARGUS meant because it was a secret, they still added the "armed" in the name to threaten anybody who somehow discovered the secret! And by "anybody who somehow discovered the secret," I mean anybody in the pub on any night when any member had one too many and began bragging about how powerful he was.

Later in the 1800s, ARGUS became the "Anonymous Ranger Group of the United States." Then in the 1900s, they became the "Aeonian Recurring Guys Utilizing Secrecy." Unless they were called something different. Anyway, in the 1900s, they battled the Crimson Men who were a religious group trying to bring about the apocalypse because they were bored. But ARGUS felt that a world ending event posed a threat to the United States of America, so they fought back. Mr. Green explains that at the turn of the Millennium, The Crimson Men were routed. Hmm? What happened around that time? Oh yeah! The attack on the World Trade Centers! So that must have been The Crimson Men's hideout and the terrorist attack was a black ops mission by ARGUS! I knew there was something fishy about the the official record of that event! Now it makes so much more sense than some impotent assholes thinking that if they could fuck America in the ass, they'd score some heavenly poontang! That might sound fairly logical but you have to remember that this is a comic book and comic book logic demands the reverse of Occam's Razor. So in the comic book world of The New 52, the whole ARGUS being behind the destruction of the World Trade Centers is least plausible, therefore it's the most plausible.

Mr. Green goes on to say that ARGUS's next mission has become to stop the threat of superhumans. But since The Crime Syndicate has appeared and they're a bigger threat, ARGUS realizes that they have to actually do what their stupid fake name says: unite the superhumans. Or else it could be the end of the world and The Crison Men will win! And nobody likes to see the asshole win. So Lieutenant Candy is getting a promotion to be the Keeper of Secrets for ARGUS. But only if she can keep Steve Trevor alive. Although on that front, she may already be too late.

Oh Steve. Did Dr. Light touch you in a No-No place?

Steve Trevor is either dreaming it or he's, while unconscious, having a real visit with the witches as they steal his future potential. One of those. I guess it won't matter until September when Steve Trevor gets a Five Years in the Future book and the entire book is just blank pages. He wakes up inside an ice cube because cutting off all of his oxygen and sending him into hypothermia seemed like Killer Frost's only way to save him from Dr. Light. Seems reasonable in that Reverse Occam's Razor kind of way.

Now Steve, Dr. Light, and Killer Frost are the only people from last issue still conscious. It's a big brawl in Central Park as Light tries to kill Steve because The Crimson Men made a deal with him. And Steve tries to talk Dr. Light out of killing him because death probably sucks.

I bet Death of the Endless always gives a sly wink whenever anybody says, "Death sucks."

The worst part about the entire battle is having to hear the sophomoric banter between the combatants. In the real world, there would only be time for swearing and underpants soiling. So that makes this is a perfect comic book scene! I guess.

Aren't all of these light powers new for him?

I'm beginning to get the feeling that Steve Trevor isn't going to save anybody from any Slash Fiction Matrix this issue. I suppose he'll secure the Lasso so that he can use it in either Justice League of America or Justice League or Forever Evil. Since the whole crisis is coming to an end, I get the feeling that important things will be allowed to happen in the two Justice League titles. Or else Forever Evil #7 is going to be 72 pages long.

Using the Lasso of Truth on Doctor Light, Steve shows Arthur that he's actually dead and that he shouldn't be pretending to be alive. Doctor Light says, "Oh yeah. Hey. Weird." Then he FAKOOOMs out of the picture, leaving Frost and Trevor and a pile of unconscious animal people. They gather up their shit and head over to Forever Evil.

Meanwhile, the Green Man puts on his Crimson Men mask and leaves the Green Room to go next door to the Crimson Room. People everywhere drop their comic books in complete shock! But!? How?! What?!!? Not the good guy is revealed to be the bad guy at the very end twist? Crazy! So what is ARGUS's new name going to be? ARGUSASUGRA? Advanced Research Group Uniting Superheroes Against Superheroes United by the Group Researching Advancements?

ARGUS #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'll admit that this drop in ranking is mostly because I was disappointed by the ending of this mini-series that I was surprised to find I was enjoying. The reveal that the Crimson Men had taken over ARGUS? That's fine. I can live with that even if it is a bit of an old standard we've all danced to before. But the fight against Doctor Light didn't really seem needed and the repartee was below par. Also, it sucks that (and this isn't the fault of the creative team) Steve Trevor couldn't finish his mission and be the hero at the end of his own series. Everything he worked for has to take place over in Forever Evil. That's a huge let down. I need a cathartic release and this comic book didn't give it to me! What do I do now? I guess I'm going to have to go steal the neighbor kid's bike and ghost ride it in front of a bus.

A.R.G.U.S. #5

I really thought the goal of this comic book was to have Steve Trevor help the Justice League escape from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. But isn't Stargirl going to accomplish that over in Fucking Kittens Nasty Justice League of America? I don't know. Maybe they'll all team up or something. Maybe The Green will be explained. Maybe Steve Trevor will owe his first born child to the Three Witches of the Mirror. Maybe a lot of things might happen that I haven't given much thought. And since my daily ramble tank is dry, I'd better just read this stupid comic book.

Sorry, Mr. Sterling Gates! I didn't mean it's stupid in the sense that it sucks. I meant it's stupid in the sense that it's sitting here at the top of my comic book stack demanding it gets read when I have video games to play and salsa to dip chips into and eat. You know what I mean? More intellectual and demanding tasks await my attention.

Currently Steve Trevor is hunting Cheetah because he realized (with the help of a telekinetic and a barn owl) that he needs Cheetah's Lasso of Truth to save the Justice League. Don't worry about the logistics of the plan! It's a comic book! Just assume it's going to work! But it won't work smoothly! We're going to have to plow our way through a fight scene where the hero nearly loses but rises in the end to save the day! So just hang on! We'll be through this in just a moment.

Liar! The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men was full of Firestorms! If you can't make a new one, I'm sure you can find Pozhar's number on the internet.

Martin Stein goes on to say how Killer Frost probably specifically needs Jason and Ronnie's specific Firestorm Matrix Power but if I'd scanned that part, I couldn't have called him a liar. I could have but it wouldn't have stood up in court with that evidence. So instead I manipulated that evidence to make Stein look like a dick! Which he is anyway. So I feel justified.

Steve Trevor and Killer Frost head into Central Park in New York to track down Cheetah. Apparently all the super villains escaped from the Central Park Zoo because they seem to all be animal themed. At least the one they're hunting and the first one to attack them: Weasel! Ha ha. Weasel. What a jerk. He was last seen getting his ass kicked by Damian in a Batman and Robin Annual. I think. Let me check my archives!

La la la. *thumb through dusty pages* *scratch junk* *taste fingers* La la la.

"Aha! Here it is! Sort of. Whatever. I was right."

So The Weasel is lucky to be alive having faced off against Damian while Batman was on vacation. Not a lot of criminals can say they walked away from that encounter. But The Weasel, being one of Firestorm's enemies, must be used to getting his ass handed to him. Seriously. How was this guy even close to being a match for Firestorm? It's just silly!

Steve Trevor makes a "Weasel Stomping Day" joke which is a pretty nerdy reference for Steve. Does he listen to Weird Al or did he just come up with this one liner thinking it sounded funny? I once saw Weird Al in concert at the Oregon State Fair. Let's face it: the guy is a genius. If you disagree, you probably have a stick lodged inside you somewhere. Don't worry. It's not fatal in and of itself. As long as you keep to yourself and don't bother people with quick tempers, you should be okay living your boring life of cultural snobbery.

Really though? What are the chances you're reading a comic book blog and you don't own at least one of Weird Al's records? One of the first records I ever purchased with my own money was Weird Al in 3-D. Big surprise, right?

Of course he's a joke! He's not a man with a super power that commits illegal acts! He's a victim of some catastrophic event that took away his humanity and does despicable things in the hope somebody kills him and puts him out of his misery!

Killer Frost does not choose to kill Weasel because she suddenly has a problem with Steve Trevor's ethics when he doesn't try to stop her. I suppose it's one thing to hang out with a hero when you think he'll always do the heroic thing and you can get one over on him when you get what you want. But to realize that hero might be planning to do the same to you when he's got what he needs? That's a bit unsettling. They argue long enough to attract the attention of Cheetah and The New Zoo Revue.

It's all happening at the zoo! "It" being mostly murder and feeding frenzies.

Killer Frost and Steve Trevor last about three seconds against these guys. I recognize Lion-Mane from Batwing but not the others. I think, from left to right, they are Chupacabra, Zebra Nation, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hekyl (the dogs), Of Mice and Merrick, Cheetah, Lion-Mane, and I Need An Upgrade To First Class, Bitch! Do You Know Who I Am? Ape.

Meanwhile in a secret place, The Crimson Men, an ancient secret sect, promise Dr. Light that they can make him human again. What is he now? I don't know? Some kind of squidgy afterdeath? That's like afterbirth but composed of mostly ectoplasm. Charr, the leader of The Crimson Men (or at least press agent) strikes a deal with Dr. Light: in exchange for information on Steve Trevor, Dr. Light will get his old life back. I think they really just want his power.

Back in Central Park, Steve Trevor names the villains for me: Lion-Mane, Hellhound and his doggies, Primape, and the others which he doesn't recognize. That's okay. I'm fairly certain I guessed their names correctly.

Cheetah decides to try to get Steve Trevor to confess his love for Wonder Woman while he's bound in the Lasso of Truth. While that takes place, Killer Frost lures Mäuschen to her cage with the protein bar Trevor gave her. I suppose since Mäuschen was just created this issue, he's going to have to sacrifice his little mousy heat so that Killer Frost can escape. Poor thing. Once I saw the tiny sword on his back, he became my favorite character ever. And now he's going to die! That's just wrong.

See? This is the part where the hero nearly loses but then rises up and comes through with his pure heart and dedication to saving everything!

Steve subdues Cheetah while Killer Frost takes out Elephantitis and Hellhound. Primandproperape, Crazy-Manes, Zebra Nation, and Hellhound's dogs are nowhere to be seen. Perhaps they took off once the Lasso of Truth had Cheetah bound and her influence over them wore off. But it's okay if they've run off with multiple tails between their legs because Dr. Light has just arrived to finish off Steve Trevor once and for all.

A.R.G.U.S. #5 Rating: No change. This was a pretty good issue except that part where Mäuschen died and I decided to never forgive Sterling Gates ever again. How would you like it if I wrote a comic book and sold it at a comic shop near you and you purchased it and you read it and you discovered your new favorite character and I killed it off? Right there in your own home? Yeah, it doesn't feel so great, does it?! I hope Issue #6 shows him still alive!

A.R.G.U.S. #4

You'll be okay, Steve! That whole face scratching thing happened to me last night too!

See?

My Scratcher was far less sexy than Steve's. Although the Scratchee in my incident is far more entertaining than the one in Steve's incident.

This issue begins showing Black Bison murdering some ARGUS Agents in Metropolis. Agent 234 seems to be the last Agent left and if he can hold out just long enough, Cyborg should be by to beat the shit out of the other Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau Members. Except I think Cyborg beat them up while passing through Pittsburgh or somewhere. So maybe only Black Bison is currently in Metropolis killing Agents.

Nope. They're all here! Getting their asses kicked by Cyborg on his way to find Doc Magnus probably happens later.

Plastique can't get in touch with Killer Frost because she found some new friends: Colonel Steve Trevor and Professor Martin Stein. Sounds like a fucking party, those guys! But Killer Frost can't be very choosy about her friends right now. She's starving for Heat Sustenance, the kind only Firestorm can give her if you know that I mean nuclear blasts of burning passion. Trevor needs to find Firestorm because he's learned, from some ancient witches, that Wonder Woman and some other inconsequential assholes have been imprisoned inside of Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. Professor Martin Stein is the guy that created that Matrix, so everybody is counting on the big nerd to find Firestorm for them. Everybody always counts on the nerd to do all the work! Look at how Anthony Michael Hall got screwed into writing the fucking paper for everyone in The Breakfast Club and he's the only one that didn't wind up getting any poontang out of it. Fucking dicks. Although it was worth it in the end. Because he knew what all writers know. Writers have the real power. They get to tell the story their way. So fuck 'em all!

Before Trevor and Stein and Snow can come up with a plan, The Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau arrives. They couldn't find Killer Frost earlier by trying to contact her on her Silver Dollar Phone. That's because they had to wait until the right moment in the plot where they'd arrive with the greatest dramatic effect. Also, they needed to enlist Grid's help. So now Trevor and Frost have to battle Plastique, Hyena, Typhoon, Black Bison, and Multiplex. Mindboggler might show herself as well at some point since she was there when Cyborg kicked their asses. Luckily Stein has some teleportation tubes in the basement for just such an emergency. And since they're going to need a telepath, they decide to teleport straight to one.

The Circus should have a Telepath or two. Plus Agent Gunn gets to make a cameo so he can afford to make his mortgage payment this month. Since Vibe was cancelled, times have been pretty lean.

When is Cheetah going to appear? Is she in the Circus? Is she a telepath? She isn't a telepath! Is she?

Well, Cheetah doesn't make an appearance yet. The telepath they're after is named Psi. Apparently she first appeared in a non-existent adventure between Supergirl and Vibe. Maybe it's a story that would have happened if Vibe hadn't been a no-personality bore and had actually managed to sell some fucking comic books. Not that I thought he was a bore! Vibe was a fun comic book!

Psi read Supergirl's mind and realized that Supergirl had meant it as a greeting when she punched her in the face. So Psi decided to help ARGUS in their mission of kidnapping and imprisoning foreigners to our dimensional shores.

This is Psi in 1985. She actually wears more clothing now.

Psi gives Trevor a serious brainstorm which causes Trevor to realize he needs the Lasso of Truth. I guess he'll use it to tie around Firestorm and say, "Are Batman and Superman really fucking each other in your Slash Matrix?!" And Firestorm will have to hide his boner and answer, "Yes." Anyway, Cheetah currently has the Lasso, so it's off to find the fucking wizard. I mean Cheetah.

A.R.G.U.S. #4 Rating: No change. I think this issue helps piece together some of the mystery behind Martin Stein. He created the Firestorm Matrix while working as a contracted agent of ARGUS. Once he did that, some very scary people came after him. Those were the Jackals and the Evil Firestorm Corporation and probably Pozhar as well. So he faked his death and went to hide out in his little cabin deep in the wilderness. Steve Trevor was only able to find out he was still alive and get his help thanks to the Ancient Witches from the Magic Mirror. So now Professor Stein is solidly back in the DC Universe instead of being mysteriously missing with only graffiti on a bus in Gotham to say, "Martin Stein Lives!" Or something. My memory isn't that good!

A.R.G.U.S. #3

Keep him away from that child!

Last issue, Steve Trevor inexplicably survived a battle with Deathstork Deathstroke. Too bad the comic book is from the point of view of Steve Trevor instead of Deathstroke or else we could have gotten another entry in Deathstroke's War Journal!

Steve Trevor returned to ARGUS Headquarters, sending the President and Candy on a picnic on/with Fiddler's Green. And then he went to look at himself in a magic mirror he was storing for safe keeping for Wonder Woman. It's one of those mirrors that makes you pay for asking questions in it. And Steve already owes it for something. Probably for making Wonder Woman fall out of love with him because he knew it was only holding her back. And when he yelled at her that one time at the amusement park and told her he doesn't love her and to go away, scat!, Git!, she didn't listen. She just laughed at his antics and shoved more cotton candy in her face.

Also, Dr. Light has returned from heaven and he's accidentally burning up ARGUS Agents. Enh, it happens.

And with all that going on, it's the perfect time to see what was happening five years ago on one of Steve Trevor and Diana Prince's dates!

What's the best way to cook a khalkotauroi? Now I feel like I need to come up with a punch line.

This was the moment that Steve Trevor told Wonder Woman he would be working with a new government agency called ARGUS. Diana points out to Steve what I've been pointing out all along: Argus was the name of a hundred eyed beast that could see everyone and everything. Somebody in the government is too smart for their own good, putting the purpose of the organization right there in the acronym while pretending the agency is doing something else. This memory is currently being stolen by one of the witches from the mirror Steve Trevor visited at the end of the last issue. But this memory is just payment for last time. I imagine he'll have to pay up front for his next favor. I have no idea what kinds of favors these witches grant. Prophecy? Magic artifacts? Clockwork owls? Four hour erections?

Oh, did we know that Stever Trevor's middle name was Howard? That's perfect. His initials are SHT! Ha ha! Steve's parents were assholes.

Steve negotiates with the witches and it sounds like he's going to give up his greatest memory to find out what happened to Diana! I bet that memory is the first time he caught a glance of a girl's underwear! Oh sweet cherished mistake! Favorable breeze! Skirt of lightest materials! Just a flash! Just a second! But what a sweet sight! The newness of arousal! The heartbreaking crush! The lurid, inexpressible thoughts! All this from his first brief glimpse of the forbidden!

The witches show Trevor that the lost heroes have been subsumed by Firestorm. But he does not know where to find Firestorm! But the witches must be under the thrall of ancient magics which do not allow them to take overpayment for information. He has offered them the world with his young memory of glimpsing panties, so they teleport him to a location where he can find Firestorm. Or at least find his trail.

Martin Stein and Killer Frost? That should do it.

Luckily Trevor brought a magic fire blade to defend himself. You know, if Steve Trevor would be willing to listen to Killer Frost for a moment, couldn't they work out a deal? Couldn't she feed on the heat of the magic blade? Or does she have to kiss a living being to warm herself up? I guess I'll find out after a one page diversion into The Green Room.

Etta learns that the keeper of The Green Room, Mr. Green, is a founding member of ARGUS. He's going to explain over a cup of tea. And that's all you get in one page! Back to the action!

Well, the action ends when Martin Stein shoots Frost in the stomach with a shotgun. It's at that point that they all begin to talk and realize they're all interested in finding Firestorm. If only everybody would drop these "hero" and "villain" labels, more conversations might begin with "What can I do for you?" as opposed to a punch in the face.

So Martin Stein, Genius, explains the situation in a way that even Steve Trevor can understand.

He's a scientist, not an artist! He's also pretty shitty at analogies.

Meanwhile, Firestorm is just where I said he'd be! In a lab somewhere with Deathstorm trying to convince him to teach him how to make Kryptonite. Jason was lost inside the Firestorm Matrix with everybody else but Ronnie Raymond is a floating, disembodied head. How do you like being the guy in the back seat, Ronnie? Not too fun, is it?

Double meanwhile with cherries on top, Doctor Light appears in Los Angeles where he's greeted by a new Super Secret Agency: The Crimson Men!

A.R.G.U.S. #3 Rating: No change. It's interesting to see the development of each of the Forever Evil mini-series and to see what part of the overall Forever Evil story each one is responsible for. So ARGUS is dealing with finding Firestorm and freeing the Justice Leagues. I think Justice League Dark is being kept somewhere else, probably The Project, so that's all going down in The Blight. Also in The Blight series, we now have Deadman as Sea King, so he'll probably get close to the Syndicate. Over in Rogues Rebellion we have...well, I don't know exactly what's going on there. Or Arkham War! Maybe they'll just be crazy off-shoots of the overall story and not be critical to how it all ends. Or maybe I'm just not very observant or I'm rushing through my thoughts right now because I need to get dinner in the oven in time to cook and eat it before I have to rush off to work.

A.R.G.U.S. #2

"Battles" is pretty optimistic. I'd have chosen "is barely noticed by". Or maybe "creates a minor annoyance for". Perhaps "is killed messily by"?

Last issue, Candy Etta's digital wrist watch informed her that Steve Trevor's heart had stopped. That totally makes sense since just before it came to that conclusion, Steve Trevor ran into Deathstroke the Terminator. His name has a couple of hints in it as to why he might be dangerous. Maybe more than a couple!

But since this issue begins with Steve Trevor still alive and shooting Copperhead in the fangs, I have a feeling Candy Etta's digital wrist watch is malfunctioning. It could be that the sudden appearance of Doctor Light's Ghost created an EMP that fucked it hard. EMP stands for Ectoplasmic Mega-Penis. So now Etta Candy thinks Trevor is dead instead of "fighting" Deathstroke. You know why I put quotes around fighting.

And? And what? Die young?

Next thing you know, well actually, the next thing you know is whatever I want to type, isn't it? Since you're reading this right now, I'm in control of the very next thing you know! Ha ha! I'm in total control! Except I can't get you to do weird stuff, can I? Can I? Touch your butt. Oh, come on! Nobody's looking! Just touch it! Oh, never mind! I don't want to imagine you doing it if you're going to have that expression on your face! The next thing that happens is Blockbuster breaks through a wall and saves Steve Trevor's life by choking him half to death. You see, Deathstroke was about to choke him full to death.

If I lived in a comic book, I think I would get a job doing drywall. Just about every major city has a problem with villains and heroes crashing through walls. Skylight salesman is probably a fairly profitable business too. I'm almost certain Bruce Wayne invests in it which is why Batman chooses to break as many as he possibly can every night.

The room that Steve Trevor crashes through contains, I think, Nightshade holding some agents and the president hostage. Speaking of Nightshade, whatever happened to her appearance in Suicide Squad? I think it was her. Wasn't it her? Did that story ever have an ending? Where they fought the giant made out of corpses and shit? Wow, my memory is atrocious! I think she just made an appearance as a head agent in whatever shadowy cabal she was working for and then skedaddled.

Anyway, it's not Nightshade. It's Shadow Thief. I guess she only hates alien races coming to Earth and not citizens of other Earths coming to Earth. And she's only here to shield Deathstroke and Copperhead and Blockbuster from a huge explosion caused by Steve Trevor so he can get the president away. The president doesn't explode, for what it's worth. I think because he's too important.

I'm going to use this plan at Christmas.

The President asks Trevor where the Justice League is as if he didn't expect to get any other answer than "Need to Know." I bet the President hears that all the time. The first briefing the President probably gets after being sworn into office is, "You probably think you're the most important person in the Western Hemisphere now, don't you? Well, you're not. Who is? Need to know. How many more people are important than you? Need to know. Need to know anything? Need to know. Just get used to not asking questions, Sir."

Meanwhile, Killer Frost is somewhere (Philly?) in an alley trying to figure out where her next meal is going to come from. Firestorm used to keep her well fed with his atomic blasts but now she's struggling worse than Lestat when he refused to feed on people. Or maybe Angel. I think Angel is more timely! But luckily for Killer Frost, a new meal ticket has come along!

"Jeffrey! Jeffrey! Get away from those lesbians!"

Killer Frost wanders off to eventually suck Deathstorm dry. Or maybe she'll encase him in ice so that he's in some kind of stasis where she can sit on his face every day and feed off his energy while he can't do anything but pucker.

Meanwhile, Steve Trevor returns to ARGUS headquarters with the President. They send him off to The Green Room which is a panic room "outside of time and space, and nothing will be able to get in while you're there." Except for, maybe, fourth dimensional creatures! As the President wander in, a voice begins talking to him. Is Fiddler's Green the President's emergency hideaway?

Steve locks Etta Candy inside The Green Room as well to protect The President while he goes off to use the Delphi's Mirror to find Wonder Woman. The Delphi's Mirror is located in yet another secret ARGUS room: The Wonder Womb. I mean Room. It's purpose is classified but it looks like a place where he keeps mementos from his time dating Wonder Woman.

Like the Vice Grip Sex Cycle and his Sears Portrait Studio picture of himself and Wonder Woman in the morning.

But the main reason he's back is to talk with the Delphi Witches to get a prophecy. He wants to make a deal with them but it seems like he already owes them for something they helped him with previously. They might demand payment up front this time.

ARGUS #2 Rating: +5 Ranking. Yet another Forever Evil spinoff that's entertaining and works well as a story happening in parallel with the main event. And I suppose I can keep making jokes about Deathstroke easily defeating Steve Trevor or I can change up my bias and wrap my head around the fact that Steve Trevor might just be a huge badass motherfucker. I mean, why else would Wonder Woman date him? You know why she went after Superman, right? Because he's fucking Vanilla Pudding. Mister Nice Guy. Goody Two Shoes. Captain Safety. Which means Wonder Woman probably just got out of a relationship with a kinky ass tough guy. I think I can believe the guy Wonder Woman dated before she dated Superman could go toe to toe for a few rounds with Deathstroke. But only a few rounds! He's dead after that.

A.R.G.U.S. #1

Wasn't Team 7 cancelled?

You know why people aren't that into the Agents of SHIELD television show? Of course you do. Why would I think you didn't? I actually kind of like the show. Although it isn't a must watch show and it sits on my ChannelMaster for weeks before I decide to watch an episode. The ChannelMaster is the DVR for people that don't have Cable or Satellite television. That's right. I only watch television shows that enter my house through the aether. Or ones that are on Netflix streaming. I also purchase Mad Men and Walking Dead on Xbox video so I can keep current on those shows when they're on. But the point I was making was that nobody wants to read a comic book with a bunch of normal people using guns to solve their problems.

Whoever just snorted and scoffed, "What about The Punisher?" can eat S-H-I-T because Frank Castle is far from a normal person! My only hope is that one of the members of A.R.G.U.S. dies each issue.

I forget what ARGUS stands for! American Regiment Given Unforgiving Suppositories? Oh wait! I remember that it should be ARGUSH because it's Something Something Something Uniting Super Heroes! But what they're really doing is keeping their hundred Argussian eyes on the world!

I just glanced at the cover again and I already hate every member of this team.

The issue begins with some mysterious flaming hand speaking with somebody off-panel about how they're going to blind ARGUS's "all-seeing eye." Actually, they have one hundred eyes. But I guess he's riffing off the logo, so I shouldn't be such a didactic "actually" nerd. If Argus has 100 eyes, does that mean the team (which I was politely reminded on the first page is Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans which means I scored 30*% on that quiz!) is set up to have fifty members? I like that! I hope that's the way it is! That way there are fifty members that can be killed during this miniseries! Actually probably more like forty nine since Agent Gunn can't be killed in this series. He has to die in the pages of Vibe doing something heroic! And I don't think Amanda Waller counts. She's like the body of the beast. Mostly the dick.

On page two, the story continues six years ago with Steve Trevor crashing on Paradise Island. I already forgot that Steve Trevor was a member of ARGUS! And that must be his crazy ass grin on the cover. You know, that's the most personality I've seen out of him since The New 52 began!

I'm surprised that Wonder Woman's outfit is straight from Themyscira. I guess it's just a coincidence that it's got the American motif.

That's as much of the initial meeting between Diana and Steve we get. I was hoping for a bit more but this story isn't that story. Speaking of this story, who the hell was that guy with the flaming hand?! The only clue we were given was that his Headquarters was located "somewhere." It might not be a "he" either but his poorly manicured thumb nail and over-sized thumb joint make me suspect male. And even though the other voice was from an off-panel speech bubble, I read it in a woman's voice. Not out loud! But in my head! The way a person reads! It's only a rumor that I act out each comic book in the nude via interpretive dance in front of my life-sized Scott Lobdell cutout.

What rival organizations exist in the DC Universe that would want to fuck with ARGUS? The Blackhawks (aka the Blackrazors)? SHADE (Some Horrible Acronym Deemed Excellent)? Task Force X (although why would Waller want to blind her other group?)? Checkmate (who hasn't been seen in quite some time!)? AMMO (who?)? NOWHERE? I bet it's SHADE since SHADE and ARGUS were forming a cooperative investigative unit in the pages of Forever Evil. Or Trinity War. One of those.

Oh shut up! Who invited you to this comic book? I hate you!

What a surprise! Madame Xanadu exclaims, "I can see the future!" and then tells somebody else to do something for her. When is some skeptic going to come along and bust her ass, exposing her for the manipulative phony she is! She tells Zatanna to send Steve away back when The Crime Syndicate appeared. But before Zatanna casts her hugely complicated spell of "DNES EVETS YAWA!", Madame Xanadu tells Steve to seek out the truth and that this world depends on it. Typical fortune teller! Giving out vague advice. Go to hell.

Since The Crime Syndicate arrived and Steve Trevor woke up at the beginning of this comic book, The Secret Society of Super Villains has been busy killing every member of ARGUS they could find.

That's a bigger body count than I expected for one issue! But it doesn't count since none of the dead were introduced to the reader first! But that still leaves two dozen left to meet and mourn!

Steve Trevor and his coworker Candy Etta get a message that the White House is under attack by Deathstroke. I wonder how much Slade is getting paid? He doesn't kill for free, you know! Trevor runs off to stop him which is a stupid idea because Steve Trevor is just this guy, you know? And Slade Wilson is like OH MY GOD! and then you're just dead. I say the fight will be over in two panels! Steve Trevor steps onto the White House lawn and then the second panel is just black. Because it's from Steve's point of view. And his new point of view is dead.

Here's a little flashback to lengthen the amount of pages until Steve Trevor is dead from a severe sword cut through the neck.

The Secret Origin of ARGUS!

I really like the one page origin story of ARGUS. It's simple. It contains some nice, conversational dialogue relating to the importance of the matter at hand. It's believable. Trevor would do this not because it's a program for spying on the Super Heroes but because it's a program proving they're trustworthy. Trevor also accepts because ARGUS will be the last line of defense if the super heroes have fallen. Which really just means they'll throw their bodies at whatever killed the super heroes so that the president can get in his emergency shuttle and hyperwarp into his Safe Room located somewhere in The Bleed.

After all of my Team 7 talk, I actually forgot that Slade and Steve worked together in that group. I suppose it's because Steve Trevor didn't actually get as much face time in that book as I thought he was going to get when it began. I think the creators forgot about him until Issue Nine or Ten. Which was too bad since it was cancelled at Issue Eight. So the fact that they once worked together means the fight lasts a little longer than I thought. Because they have to reminisce and shit.

I'm fairly certain Trevor's legs are tied up with two tails. So you know what that means! Snake penis!

Ha! I was sort of correct about the fight lasting two panels! The above page was the first actual panel of the fight. Then the very next panel on the next page, Candy's Bio-Bracelet informs her that Steve Trevor has flatlined. Ha ha!

And then Doctor Light's Light Ghost appears to haunt the remains of the ARGUS installation. I guess he wasn't as secure in Heaven as he seemed in the pages of The Phantom Stranger. But he gave away his light power in that comic book to give to his wife! I guess that means he's just using the normal ghost powers to haunt Candy and the other agents.

A.R.G.U.S. #1 Rating: I will begin this comic book between Justice League of America and Action Comics. It's much better than the current Action Comics but reminds me of Justice League of America because they both have Steve Trevor in them. I liked quite a few moments in this comic book which is good because I don't really care about ARGUS at all! Also Wonder Woman looked super cute. Is that the only important thing about Wonder Woman? That she looks super cute? Yes, probably.

Justice League of America #3

That's not the real Catwoman. She knows how to work a zipper. Or maybe she doesn't? Why is the pull tab on the zipper down at the bottom? I guess it opens from the belly button up in case somebody needs to do some emergency belly shots off of Selina's stomach.

This cover is a Who's Who of the worst comic books of The New 52! Granted, Green Arrow is finally being written to character. But before that, he was just another one of Ann Nocenti's failures. Three of Ann Nocenti's characters are on the cover! I wish she'd write Hawkman as well.

Also, I thought Green Arrow didn't make the cut? Is he going to just keep showing up until everybody believes he's a member? Perhaps this takes place after he proves himself by taking down Komodo and having a slumber party in the desert with Magus.

I was going to scan Green Arrow pouting in the locker room and declaring that he was going to make a major comeback after being down and out for a year and a half but then I saw Stargirl's public service announcement which set off one of my pet peeves.

Look, colorist Sonia Oback, I don't give a fuck if you burn it, wave it, or wipe your ass with it. But how fucking hard is it to find a photo reference of the American flag so you can get the fucking color scheme right? Jesus H. Lincoln.

I would have loved to blame David Finch for the above mistake because I'm a complete asshole that likes to twist the knife when I've got a fish wriggling on the hook over the fire with a gun to its head. But I'm pretty sure it's the colorist that reversed the red and white stripes on the flag. I should also blame editors Kate Stewart and Brian Cunningham for not catching this mistake although their jobs might not have anything to do with the art and are merely story editors. Anyway, you would think this is a mistake that DC would try desperately to avoid since now I think they hate America.

That panel is reprinted as a poster on the wall of Star Girl's room on the next page and it's even more fucked up! Now I KNOW DC hates America!

Amanda Waller has a brief meeting just to make sure that Stargirl despises and mistrusts her.

What a great leader!

Amanda Waller used to be a tough son of a bitch that got things done in the Preboot universe. Sure, people were intimidated by her. But she needed to be tough and intimidating to get things done. Now she's just a conniving, manipulative jerk. To be fair, I wasn't reading stories with Amanda once she began working for President Luthor. So maybe she became just as big an asshole as Maxwell Lord at some point. I mainly followed her with the Suicide Squad where her lying and manipulation wasn't so bad because it was to murderous criminals (mostly). Sometimes she was a jerk to Bronze Tiger when she didn't need to be. But now she just seems to lie for the sake of lying. She's incapable of doing anything without using threats and intimidation. Overall, she's simply unlikable. Not that she has to be a likable character! But I liked her better when I liked her.

Besides, the threatening someone's father with jail time to get them to do what you want is already being done by Mister Bones over in Batwoman. Come up with your own threats, Waller!

Getting back to the heroes that are actually on the team to do heroics and not simply to look cute and innocent with a smile full of braces and some trite speeches that can be boiled down to "Yay America and God!", Steve Trevor's first order of business when the team is ambushed by Professor Ivo's robots is to fuck up Wonder Woman's secret identity.

Sure, he only says her first name. But Hawkman shouldn't even know that. And now that Clark Kent is publicly dating Diana Prince in Superman, everybody needs to be extra cautious about blowing secret identities. Plus Ivo is probably recording anything the robots see and hear so now he's got a lead on Wonder Woman's secret identity name.

I know Wonder Woman hasn't really been too concerned about a secret identity. And it's possible that the media already know her as Diana. But suppose that's true? Then Clark Kent is being super stupid by dating her! Putting her hair in a pony tail and throwing glasses on her isn't going to make people suddenly forget that Diana Prince is Wonder Woman. Oh! And I think everyone DOES know Diana Prince as Wonder Woman, so Steve Trevor really didn't make a mistake here. The reason I think that is because I just remembered something from Superman #19 that confused me at the time. Jimmy Olsen calls Diana Prince "Princess" and she corrects him and says that she's not a princess and that people often make that mistake. So everybody knows Clark Kent is dating Wonder Woman! Which means Clark is being just as careless about his secret identity as Bruce is being with his by connecting Batman Incorporated with Bruce Wayne. Eventually Wonder Woman and Superman are going to kiss in public and Lois Lane is FINALLY going to make the connection. And do you think she's going to keep that story from headlining the next Daily Planet paper? Fuck that! Time for a Special Edition!

After Vibe yells at Wonder Woman instead of helping Trevor with his super powers, he yells, "It's gas!", when Batman sets off a gas bomb. This kid is being extremely helpful! So fucking glad he's back on the team! Hawkman isn't being any more helpful. He doesn't even warn everybody about the gas! And Martian Manhunter is currently being pummeled by a tree wielded by Superman. The first mission isn't going too well. Perhaps if Green Arrow were here!

Ha ha ha! Oh man. I crack myself up.

Forget Green Arrow! It's Katana and the voice in her head that ninja jumps in to save the day!

"Diana! Why are there so many cross-hatches on my face while your skin remains so clear and supple?!"

Doing Arts by David Finch
Chapter Five: How to Make Men Look Different From Women

"Light women's faces nicely. Do not use shading. Put lots of cross-hatching on men's faces. Make them look dirty and in shadow even if they are standing right next to the woman in perfect light. Also put boobs on the womens."

After Katana cuts off Wonder Woman's head and everybody sees the wires and sparks, Martian Manhunter explains to the rest of the group that these beings are not human. Vibe ends up shaking them into pieces and the fight is over. Although Katana wants to keep it going by slitting Catwoman's throat simply because her voice said it didn't trust Catwoman. But that easily resolves itself with a Martian Manhunter mindscan and the team is ready to continue their trek through the forest. But they don't find much of anything.

Since they couldn't find the lair of the Secret Society of Super-villains, Steve Trevor comes up with another plan. The plan is for Catwoman to get the Society's attention so that they'll hire her and she can become a double agent. Unless she decides to be a triple agent. Which is just a confusing way of saying a single agent. Unless there's more to it. Anyway, the plan is to have her get caught trying to steal an artifact from a museum.

If her plan is to get caught, why even bother stealing the necklace? Unless she has some secret hiding place she can stow it. And she just mentioned in a previous page that her uniform doesn't have pockets. So that doesn't leave her anywhere to...oh. Eww.

The Justice League of America arrives to "capture" Catwoman but she, of course, decides to play a little...well, I'm sure there's an analogy that fits this situation that I just can't come up with. The JLA give chase when suddenly Green Arrow arrives to bring everybody down. But Hawkman has a solution to this problem.

I should raise The Savage Hawkman's rank just for this!

Catwoman decides to stop playing around so she doesn't get a right hook from Hawkman too. And Green Arrow decides to use some Amanda Waller's tactics on Steve Trevor to earn a place on the team. He won't tell anyone that Catwoman is working for them if he's allowed on the roster. I guess when your main skills are shooting sticks and getting your ass kicked by little girls, you sometimes need to resort to desperate measures to get an invite to a super team.

Once Catwoman is caught, she's thrown in Arkham Asylum where Catwoman #19 takes place. So now I can read that next! After Catwoman #19, Catwoman escapes only to be captured by Signal Man and Blockbuster. She finds herself strapped to the same chair The Scarecrow was strapped to at the beginning of last issue. It looks like the plan worked! She's infiltrated the Secret Society of Super-villains!

The back-up story is written by Matt Kindt. On my scale of storytelling that goes from Scott Lobdell to Competent Writer, Matt Kindt falls close to the Competent Writer side of the scale. I haven't filled out the scale since I just made it up but it will probably have 100 places. I'm only familiar with Kindt because of his work on Frankenstein and the only good story in Men of War (a back-up story). This story is about Martian Manhunter and will hopefully discuss his love of Oreos.

Except it only pretends to be about Martian Manhunter by labeling it "Martian Manhunter". It's really about Martian Manhunter's assessment of Catwoman. He likes her.

But then it's also about her assessment of J'onn. I guess she gets some psychic backlash when he does the mind probe on her. Or perhaps he gives a little of himself due to the guilt of stealing their memories. Catwoman sees J'onn in another time and place while he's hunting. She feels bonded to him, closer. And she also believes he doesn't know she's getting some of his memories. Maybe he unconsciously gives some of them since you would think he would know how his mind probe worked. I'm sure he's done it and had it done to him by other Martians. Anyway, they both feel a bit closer to each other after the mind probe.

Come on, Selina! That's unfair. You just witnessed a totally alien culture. You can't judge it by human standards.

Justice League of America #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's too bad that bits like this back-up story can't fit into most mainstream titles with their twenty page limits. I guess it could but not in an ensemble cast like this book has. So the extra dollar was worth it this time. That's really how I should judge these $3.99 comics with back-up stories. I should keep track of how many are just there to steal my extra dollar and how many are worth it. Although if I started judging comics like that, then DC would owe me refunds on nearly all of the Teen Titans and Superboy comics put out so far.