New Guardians #26

I would doom all futures to save one present with my name on it. I hope it's cookies!

Kyle Rayner and Carol Ferris were visiting the most wonderful planet in the universe, a place called Exuras. Well, the place was wonderful until they stuck their noses into its business to find out how it ticks! Now it's quickly becoming one of the worst planets to live on because it's at war with all of its alternative selves which it has been stealing good moments from. Although it's been giving them bad moments in return, so Exuras is probably just going to trade this revolt to some other poor version of itself.

Kyle can't stop the invasion with words even though he tries his hardest before resorting to violence. That means he spent two sentences telling the invaders to go back where they came from. But they don't listen. So what else can he do but beat them soundly? His hands were practically tied!

What is that construct? Is he trying to drive them away using oral sex?

So Kyle can't talk the invaders out of fighting because Kyle sucks at orating. And Kyle can't physically remove the invaders from this timeline because Exuras won't allow any violence. But Evil Nias from Hell seems to have a trick up his sleeve which allows him to cause as much chaos and destruction as he wants. He can control the Exuras Happy Nanos so that the entire structure of the planet is at his control. He and his evil grandfather use the Happy Nanos to turn the Cracked Mirror of Alternate Timeline Viewing into a "Miniature Fourth-Dimensional Fold Mechanism." I think what that means is that all of the repercussions caused by the Exurasans across all of the timelines are now crashing down on Paradise to turn it into a Super Duper Hell. What that also means is that enough power has been diverted that Kyle Rayner can now get back to committing as many violent atrocities as his comic book artist mind can think up.

Judging by the state of comic books, that's a whole lot of atrocity!

I'd be pissed too if someone stole my happy endings. Why the fuck am I paying for this massage then?

All of this could have simply been avoided if the Exurasans hadn't allowed their disgruntled teenagers to stay in the damaged timelines! I'm sure that's how Evil Nias from Hell learned that his timeline had been altered. How else could he know except through an outside observer? Or magic! Or super science that seems like magic! Or divine intervention! I sometimes forget that I'm reading a comic book and so my range of options regarding how something came about are far greater than reality where the only options are God or Allah. No, that's not quite right. The only options are what name you give to the obviously same God of The Book that is making all of your decisions for you and creating the world as you go through miracles and making you a success if you're pious enough or a failure if you're sinful.

Ha ha! Just kidding! The only reason things are the way they are and that things unfold the way they unfold is Ganesha! Who is actually a Buddhist. I think it's okay to worship a god that is of a different religion than you are, right? You can just shake your head and go, "Oh, Ganesha! Remover of obstacles! Creator of everything! You're so silly in your belief of Buddha! Have you no self-confidence or self-esteem?" Or you just get online and type, "smh," because you're opinion is obviously so much better than Ganesha's that it's almost too ridiculous to even have to respond. But you have to respond to show everybody that your opinion is so much wiser and more advanced than everybody else's (including a god's!) that all you can manage is a shake of your head.

Usually I can figure out internet acronyms from context but "smh" was one of the few that I eventually had to look up way back whenever I finally got sick of reading it as "suck my hard-on" or "stuff Mister Horse" or "stab my head."

While Kyle and Carol battle against Evil Nias from Hell and his army, The Bohemian Guardians believe they've figured out how to save Exuras. They head to the Cracked Mirror of Viewing where Evil Nias from Hell's Grandfather is busy writing code in the air. Instead of beating him to a pulp, maybe they'll help him return all of the timelines to normal. That might leave Exuras in an awkward state of imperfection but at least it will que sera what it was supposed to sera.

Or the Bohemian Guardians will get Nias to have sex with his grandfather! That will create some kind of time paradox, right?

Also, and I say this as someone that doesn't give a fucking fuck about Style Handbooks and Chicago and all that shit, but I would have added an "s" after the apostrophe in "Nias'". Nobody would ever say, "It's not our fight. It's Nias'." Everyone in the universe would say "Nias's." And if you're hearing that extra "s", you should acknowledge it, no matter what the fascists in Chicago might say!

Kyle battles Evil Nias from Hell while also trying to engage him in a debate about why he shouldn't be so angry about his dead family and his dead friends and his dead world. Kyle's argument amounts to "It's no excuse." Right. He can be angry all he wants. But how dare he express that anger at the people that caused his world to be a flaming pit of putrescence and flame?

This story is beginning to feel a bit like an allegory about America! I think Justin Jordan must be a Communist Sympathizer! How dare he point out that America's successes and luxuries rely on the poverty and ruination of multiple other countries (and timelines!)?! America is successful because we work hard and have bootstraps! If your country (or timeline!) wanted to be successful, maybe you shouldn't have sent all of your cheaply made bootstraps to us! Keep some for yourselves, stupids! Just because we've gotten amazingly fat and extremely wealthy on the suffering of other people in this world is no excuse to attack us! Violence is just plain wrong! How dare you! You could have calmly and rationally explained to us how we're hurting the rest of the world by our excesses and how we should learn to sacrifice just a little bit so that everyone's "hell is lessened" (that's a quote from last issue!). I mean, I suppose you may have been shouting at us for decades while we shopped and ignored you and drowned you out with our chanting of "USA! USA! USA!" But crashing planes into our buildings? No excuse for that, you assholes. You thought you knew suffering before when we were just pretending you weren't there? Well now we've noticed you! And we have bombs! That should shut you all up so we can get back to our video games. Jerks.

As America's (or Canada's (but really, what's the difference? They're just piggy-backing on our greed and success and threatening demeanor) greatest Russian writer Ayn Rand would say, "The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me." That's the most Ayn Rand I've ever read and it was on a t-shirt from Forever 21. What a classy store.

Well, duh, Good Nias! That's the entire fucking playbook! We are righteous and moral; they are heathens, monsters, and the most profligate sinners the world has ever (or will ever!) know!

Good Nias's Evil Nias's Evil Grandfather explains that he didn't want war and death and disaster. He just wanted his shit back! But come on, you naive bastard! What did you expect? Why would somebody steal your shit and then graciously give it back? You already know that they're ignorant dickheads because they callously stole from you in the first place. You knew you wouldn't get your time back by asking politely over a nice cup of space tea. So forget about what you wanted and just get to fixing things already before all the Exurasans across all times and spaces are killed!

The Guardians and Good Nias and Evil Nias's Evil Grandfather close the portal after Star Sapphire shoves the invaders back through it. Kyle stops Evil Nias and then lectures Good Nias about how evil he's been. And he gives the Exurasans an ultimatum: "Make this right. Or I will." Jesus. It always comes down to threats and violence, doesn't it, Kyle?!

Kyle does make a good point at the end though. The Exurasans had the technology to keep their planet a perpetual paradise. They also had the technology to visit other timelines and leave people behind. But, Kyle points out, they never thought about giving the Happy Nanos to the other timelines to help make their worlds better? Kind of a dick move. "Hey, we've got these things that make everybody happy! And we owe it all to you guys in your shitty timelines. Here, have a few disgruntled teenagers as payment!" Jerks.

Who knew Carol and I had so much in common!

New Guardians #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. I still don't really have any kind of emotional attachment to Kyle Rayner but I'm enjoying this comic book anyway. I think having Carol as an additional character in this book works really well. I like seeing her as a teammate and a confidant as opposed to a love interest that's always getting dumped on by Hal. I think she can really shine in this book as long as Justin Jordan refrains from turning Kyle and Carol's relationship into a romantic one. Can male and female co-workers never be just, you know, co-workers? The fact that I even have to ask that question and worry about the story taking that turn is telling. Why do writers feel that if a character is female, romance has to be included somewhere? I suppose because the female characters have long been used simply as the foil for the main, male character. So their sole role was that of romantic interest to the male. I think one of the reasons I enjoy Worlds' Finest so much (besides the friendship between The Huntress and Power Girl which is good stuff) is that they're two female leads that have their own agendas and lives. And Karen is a lot like Bruce Wayne in that she's a powerful business leader that loves sex but isn't interested in pursuing a relationship. Sure, she dated Mister Terrific for a bit but she was only using him to get her hands on his cock and his technology. So in closing my commentary on Green Lantern: New Guardians, I highly recommend Worlds' Finest!

New Guardians #25

Now the Lost in Space theme song is stuck in my head.

I grew up watching reruns of Lost in Space on Channel 36 in the San Francisco Bay Area. Also Batman. And The Monkees. And Super Chicken. And George of the Jungle. I think it was Channel 36 which aired Ray Harryhausen movies on Thanksgiving which is why you'd find me in front of the television instead of spending time with my family. Well, that was just one of the reasons. Anyway, Lost in Space was an interesting show to watch as a young kid because I still didn't get the concept of situational episodic television and believed, every episode, that there was a chance that they'd get home.

I no longer believe anything good will ever happen. That kid is long dead, replaced by a cynical asshole that can't just enjoy anything. The world should stand trial for the murder of that sweet, stupid boy with bean dip all over his face grinning in amazement as Jason battled a dozen skeletons grown from the teeth of the Hydra! Can we all get together and bring a class action suit to the world for the death of innocence?

But now I'm part of that world! Hey, you young people! Don't read my comic book commentaries! Don't read any of my cynical rantings about the horrors of things that, at first glance, aren't horrible at all! Enjoy the shallow, fun, four color goodness that all comic books should be! Don't read my twisted versions of what is not explicitly stated in the dialogue and shown through the art! Stay Gold, Pony Boy! STAY GOLD!

This issue begins with Carol Ferris yelling at the Zamarons because her friend Kyle just sacrificed his life to save the universe and they had nothing to do with it. But they're just sitting there on their crystal thrones, oozing smugness with that place on their face in the air where their noses should be, basking in their authority and not shedding any tears for Kyle. Why shouldn't she yell at them? Fuck those assholes! Why don't they crawl into some black hole and fuck off like their ex-husbands, the Guardians?

Carol ditches them before they can put her in her place because she has to go find out that Kyle didn't actually die at all.

I guess needing everyone to believe Kyle was dead lasted all of one page? And that's how much of an affect huge cosmic crisis crossovers have on the continuing monthly comic books!

It turns out the only person that really can't know Kyle is alive is Hal although Carol is the only one that currently knows. And even though no explanation is immediately given, I get it. Sometimes you just want certain people in your life to go the fuck away. And it's not like Carol wouldn't have figured out he's alive anyway. She's a Love Sapphire! She loves Kyle, even if it is that kind of love reserved for puppies and younger brothers. She's still connected to him! What good is being a Love Lantern if you can't stay connected to the people you love?

The Bohemian Guardians are introducing Kyle to an old friend of theirs. Judging by his attitude and demeanor, I'd say this is the guy that makes their Cosmic LSD for them.

Look at Kyle trying to dominate Nias at first meeting with a fucking handshake!

In the panel after this one, Kyle actually forces a handshake on Nias. Fucking disrespectful. I can't stand this way of greeting people! Especially since people will actually be offended if you don't shake their hands. "Submit to my physical assessment of your personality which actually means nothing but I am conditioned to go through with or I will take it as the most sincerest of insults!" Fuck you, hand shakers! Knock it off already! I hope that shaking hands is the worst insult in the universe to the first race of alien beings we meet and we spiral into intergalactic war when our Space Ambassador decides to show them how we greet each other on Earth (and by "on Earth," I mean Western Civilization because by the time we meet alien races, you don't think McDonalds, Starbucks, Reality TV, and Levis won't have won the culture war? We've already forced most cultures that bow into shaking hands after bowing. Pushy jerks).

Look at that violence!

Apparently Kyle and Carol are here on Exuras because "Exuras is the greatest place in the universe!" Well, sure! Now that Piradell is a fascist hellhole. That must be why Nias is so excited. Exuras has just moved up from the number two greatest destination in the universe.

This issue is called "All Tomorrow's Parties" which makes me need to listen to Johnette Napolitano's cover of the song now. I know, I know! That's probably blasphemy to all the Lou Reed fans out there! Don't flip out over inconsequential choices made by other people. My love of Johnette and her voice doesn't take away from your love of Reed and whatever it is you love about him. His cheerful demeanor? Now my own imagined conversation with the Velvet Underground fans has caused me to listen to both versions! I can't say it was a waste of time! Johnette's version is more polished (of fucking course) and rockier. It sounds a bit like an anthem. The Velvet Underground's is discordant and hazy, like wandering through an opium den high as fuck looking for the pipe you set down when you wandered off to look for the pipe you set down.

Now my iTunes is playing in the background while I read and I'm not sure if want to shut it down or not. I suppose I'll try reading and listening to music at the same time! That should ensure that I don't remember any of this in a few hours!

Although it kind of fits now with Carol and Kyle hanging out with Loudon Wainwright III singing "On the Rocks."

The first thing I notice about Exuras is that it has about three billion moons. And its moons also have moons because I think they might be planets. It's possible the orbits of all the planets in this solar system are practically one on top of each other. Don't ask questions about gravity. This is Exuras! The greatest place in the universe!

Nias tries to explain why Exuras is so great but he has trouble with the words, so Zalla helps explain.

That probably explains the planets not crashing in on the other planets somehow.

Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians have actually come to Exuras because it is a world without strife or fear or conflict. It's exactly the type of existence that the Guardians have been trying to bring to the Universe time and again, and have always failed catastrophically. So Kyle needs to investigate this place and find out if it is indeed as miraculous as it sounds or if there is a dark secret behind it. If it's actual, he can then learn how it works and bring that technology and mindset to the rest of the universe. And everybody will live happily ever after! Or, as usually happens, it will just be more unwanted bullshit forced upon the rest of the universe by the arrogant Guardians. Just this time, they're the Bohemian Guardians. So it'll be exactly the same except smothered in the scent of patchouli.

Kyle begins his investigations and discovers a structure where fear and anger are concentrated. It's a place where the teenagers have been rounded up and shut away. The Exurasans try to stop Kyle from entering the building which makes Kyle even more suspicious. Oh, Kyle, don't worry. It's probably just an angst-ridden rock concert.

So Exuras believes in transparency? That's a good start!

The building where the teenagers go houses a gigantic, cracked mirror which they must go into to make a choice whether or not they want to participate in this world where everything in history has gone seemingly just right. Kyle enters the mirror to find out what this choice is and how they go about the choosing. What he finds on the other side of the cracked mirror is a world in flames, full of destruction and death.

Genius.

Kyle is wrong about the Exurasans making one bad world though. They steal only small moments from many, many different timelines. The disastrous world Kyle is seeing was the result of just one small, seemingly insignificant swap. Entering the cracked mirror is a way for Exurasans to understand the price they are paying for living in the perfect world. I wonder if they're given the chance to swap lives with someone from a shitty timeline?

It turns out they don't get to swap but they can refuse to participate. They are allowed to stay behind in the other worlds to try to make them better places. And hopefully they do make them better places which means the moment that they came to that world was the moment that made it better which means it'll get swapped and they'll return to Exuras's paradise! Or something.

The Keeper of the Cracked Mirror's defense for stealing moments is this: "Isn't one paradise better than an infinity of hells lessened?" Which is all well and good if you ignore the fact that, given a timeline should exist for all possible choices, then that paradise does exist somewhere. What the people of Exuras are doing is simply making sure that their version of Exuras is the paradise. So The Keeper's rationale falls flat and it turns out what they're doing is supremely selfish and not motivated by a grand hope of one pure paradise. That paradise would exist, somewhere, without their needing to take action. So they're really just selfish time pirates!

And it looks like Nias Den Throden of Exuras, Hell Version, would agree.

New Guardians #25 Rating: +4 Ranking. Please let the cosmic crises be over with for a long while so that Kyle Rayner can have adventures like this off on his own without being bothered by Hal and his green military goons. I enjoyed this story and the pacing and the dialogue and the plot. Here's how it should end though! If the residents of the other Exurases can come through the cracked mirror, just bring all the residents of all the infinite other timlines over to the paradise Exuras! We've already seen that it "provides" for everybody! It can probably provide for an infinite population, right?

New Guardians #18

Carol Ferris, this is your lucky day! A life without Hal Jordan!

Go ahead, Volthoom! Remove Hal Jordan from Carol Ferris's life! You'll be doing her a favor! He's never given her anything but a broken heart and a bladder infection! You were a strong, independent woman running your own company and then he came along to fill you with false hopes of romantic nights and a happy family. And he got you tangled up in all of this cosmic bullshit. Good riddance!

Although the fact that you're about to get raped by Volthoom probably makes a life with pathetic Hal Jordan seem palatable. Sorry.

In Volthoom's version of reality, Carol Ferris's father has killed himself and his company has been taken over by Leviathan Defense Systems. On the plus side, she's a pilot and she gets to yell at and criticize Hal Jordan all day!

Hey DC! Give this artist, Hendry Prasetyo, more work on New 52 titles!

Volthoom believes that if Carol was aware of her "real" life, she'd choose this one instead. But isn't that just like a control freak to think they know better than you? I mean, I did it in a previous paragraph! But even if Volthoom or I can point out dozens of reasons why her life would be better without Hal Jordan, she'd never choose to live differently. Heroes never regret anything because their egos won't allow them to believe they've ever made a mistake. Look at John Stewart over in Green Lantern Corps rationalizing all of the murders he's committed! And Superman not wanting Ms. Nyxly to use her wish to alter his life to the way it originally was before Vyndktvx screwed it up. Which is a really interesting thought because Superman knows his life was supposed to be another way and yet he chooses to keep the fucked up version of his life. Now I know Superman made that sacrifice to help save other lives, so that's what makes him a hero. But even if he didn't have a promise to keep to save Noah and his family, I have a feeling he couldn't choose to change things back if he wanted to. There's a certain amount of self-preservation in the choice. Changing things means killing the person that chooses to have things changed. That person ceases to exist. In essence, once you choose to have a moment in the past changed, you are killing yourself to let some other person (even if it is another version of you) live. I think I'm saying Superman's choice is less noble and more cowardly than it would appear.

After feeding on Carol's emotions and letting her go back to her normal life since Volthoom is still powerless to change everything completely, Volthoom heads off to mess with Larfleeze. Volthoom gives Larfleeze his greatest wish and places him back with his family. The first thing Larfleeze does is steal his son's birthday present. I have a feeling a few billion years of being a greedy son of a bitch is hard to filter out of a person's essence.

Hey! I used "palatable" earlier! We're word twinsies, Volthoom!

Volthoom also torments Saint Walker. Then he torments Carol some more. Then he changes some other things in Larfleeze's life around the time of Green Lantern: Agent Orange. Woah woah woah. Wait a second. This Volthoom IS all-powerful!

He just changed reality in such a way that editorial was allowed to reference a Preboot Trade Paperback!

Well now. This is an interesting turn of events. While DC has allowed many, many story elements to remain from Preboot History to New 52 History, I believe this is the first time that editorial has been allowed to reference a Preboot Comic Book. Is this a mistake on editor Wil Moss's part? Or is this a step to try to sell Preboot books to new fans that jumped on board with The New 52? Is DC going to start labeling Preboot Trade Paperbacks as "New 52 Continuity Friendly"?

Although forgetting about the weird mention of a Preboot Trade, let me take a moment to reread that final Narration Box a dozen more times. "...allowing him the focus to slay the hated Guardians." So good! Can this reality be permanently instituted? I'm pretty sure with the Guardians killed, 75% of DC Comic Books are never written. Or they just have heroes sitting around playing board games because the universe is a much safer place.

Volthoom finally gives up trying to make Larfleeze feel more than avarice because Larfleeze is too fucking awesome. That seemed like a perfectly reasonable reason when it was still inside my head.

Meanwhile Carol Ferris sees through Volthoom's ruse because she's too fucking awesome. I never really thought she was but since I used the same reasoning for Larfleeze, I figured I should use the same reasoning for Carol. But then I've never read any stories with her as a Star Sapphire. Maybe I owe Carol Ferris another look.

Obviously Larfleeze is still much cooler.

In this fake reality, Carol flies off to find Kyle Rayner. I'm not sure how that works since Volthoom is only fucking with her mind. He lacks the power to make this a persistent world. Perhaps she simply flies off in the "real" world to find Rayner and compare notes. In the meantime, Volthoom needs to go suck out Atrocitus's rage (unless he goes after Rankorr or Bleez or someone).

New Guardians #18 Rating: No change. I think mentioning a Preboot Trade Paperback may have been a huge mistake on DC's part. The facade has cracked. They've now permanently linked not just shared history between the Preboot and the Reboot but the physical comics themselves. The boundary between the old universe and the new universe has just been blurred even more. Pretty soon it won't even matter and everything will become more confusing than being The Silver Scarab after Crisis on Infinite Earths.

New Guardians #16

Time to see Kyle get his brains fucked out by the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog.

According to the first page of New Guardians, Kyle Rayner's ability to show love is severely retarded. It's a queer thing, seeing as how he grasped the other emotions so quickly. I just assumed everyone would have a gay old time while Kyle learned about loving and caring for others. But I was fucking wrong about that shit because his cunt of an old man ditched his ass when he was just six years old. So, you know, he kind of began burying his feelings or something.

Since tapping into his early years when his father left didn't pan out, the Star Sapphires try another moment when he should have been able to express his feelings.

G'nort! Arisia! Tomar-Re! The crystal guy, umm, Chaselon! Kilowog! Salaak! B'dg (or Ch'p. But it looks more squirrely than badgery). And the other lesser known human Green Lanterns!

I'm glad G'nort has been acknowledged as existing (or having existed since this is a flashback) in The New 52. That was all I really needed to know. The other character I can't wait to see is Ambush Bug since he obviously exists in The New 52 whether DC wants him to or not. A change in continuity can't hold him back!

As the narrative finds its way out of Kyle's memories and back to Zamaron (which has now found its way back to Sector 1416 where it belongs), we learn that Sapphire 3 (the female Kilowog) does not have enough time to get past first base and really teach Kyle about love because Ganthet is coming to kill Kyle Raynor. DC has really gone crazy on the "shoot your own dog" motif this month. I probably should have been keeping a list detailing every moment when someone needed to end the life or put a stop to someone they were responsible for. I think it's all leading up to Batman shooting his insane clown dog in the creek with the rest of the Bat-family hot on their trail looking for blood.

And then the meeting that will eventually teach Kyle how to love begins.

In the next panel, Ganthet "FWASHES" Kyle. Some of you now what that means. I just thought it was too awkward to scan because who wants to see the man you think of as your father's vagina?

Kyle and Ganthet battle to a stalemate until the Star Sapphires arrive to help him. It's at this point that Kyle begins to show that he loves Ganthet although he's still very hesitant couching it in terms like "Don't kill him!" and "I'd promise Sayd I'd save him!" Come on, Kyle! You'll never save him while you continue to hide behind ulterior motives for not wanting to destroy him. You want him to live because you WUV HIM!

Just as Kyle and the Star Sapphires have Ganthet on the ropes, his army of Borg Lanterns appears looking to destroy love since love often leads to masturbation when one partner is simply too tired or ejaculates early and falls asleep on top of you. And the Guardians of the Universe simply can't have any of that going on in their Universe. But the Star Sapphires are hyper-focused on taking out Ganthet and they just kind of ignore the Borg Lanterns.

And then Ganthet FWASHES Kyle one more time, nearly killing him. That's totally understandable.

And just like a scene from Halloween some after school special, as Kyle lies there mortally wounded by the man he considered his father, he learns the greatest lesson of all! Love stinks. I mean, love is forgiveness. Kyle forgives his dad and forgives himself and forgives Ganthet too. But Kyle should also realize that this means rage is forgiveness too, right? Maybe rage is the not forgetting part! Anyway, it's not really important what love is. Is it really forgiveness or is it actually manipulation? Not even the greatest philosophers or that tootsie pop owl can answer that question! Anyway, learning his lesson, Kyle becomes the first man in the universe to wield love effectively and thus transform into The Rainbow Lantern!

His new name should be RAF W. HCL!

Now when Kyle uses his power, his ring says, "Life." And then all of the Borg Lanterns disintegrate and Ganthet runs away with his ponytail between his legs. And now that Kyle can destroy the Borg Lanterns with a wave of his hand, that means that a large percentage of the universe's population is about to be wiped out. Since, you know, so many of them have already been converted. Time to teach those Borg Lanterns that any love is good love!

New Guardians #16 Rating: No change. Is that all it takes to become the most powerful person in the universe? To be the most angry, selfish, intimidating, stubborn, optimistic, and caring lover in the universe? Damn. I should be a White Lantern! I get through all of those emotions every time I masturbate! Is the fact that Kyle is now all in white and shoots white goop out of his fingers a metaphor for something?

New Guardians Annual #1

So I guess this annual is happening.

I didn't think January would have any Annuals since DC forgot to advertise them in December's comic books. Plus only two comic books came out the day after Christmas leaving the last week of Issue Fifteens to come out the first week of January. Which caused me to believe they were going to skip the whole "put out a bunch of Annuals in the months with five Wednesdays" thing they were doing.

As you can see, I was wrong. Since this doesn't have a Rise of the Third Army tag on it, I guess it's going to be a stand alone story. Or maybe this will be the issue Kyle learns how to love. It looks like he's doing a pretty good job on the cover since Indigo 1 told him earlier that you can't have love without rage! That's so true! Especially if you love me, you fucking cunt!

Oh and look! That asshat Keith Giffen is writing this comic book! Where the fuck has he been lately? Probably blowing Dan DiDio while shoving his thumb up Geoff Johns ass. God I love DC! BUT THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

The fucking Annual begins on Tolerance, a Transmetropolitan rip-off. Speaking of rip-offs, five fucking dollars for an annual! Now I have to waste my time reading an extra-length book when I could be wasting my time reading a normal length book. God. All I do is read comic books now! Stupid, goddamned fucking shitty-ass comic books! Don't get me wrong! I love it! I love every minute of it! BUT THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

Here are some guys. I think they're in that reality show from Blue Beetle #15. They're shooting some other fucking guy. Write your own damn joke.

Over on Yaru Prime, Arkillo and Saint Walker are hanging out checking in on the devastation left behind by The Third Army. Saint Walker and Arkillo have become the bestest of friends since you can't have fear without hope. That actually kind of makes sense, dammit! Fucking comic book can't even get it right when I'm trying to mock it! Stop making sense, you stupid Rainbow Lantern Corps that have never made sense ever except the one time I try to be sarcastic about them! Fuck you, goose tits!

People are constantly asking me what tattoo I would get if I were to get a tattoo. Now I know! I'd tattoo my penis with Saint Walker's face!

Meanwhile Kyle Rayner and Carol Ferris are completely lost. They've arrived on Zamaron in Space Sector 1654 but my notes say it's located in Space Sector 1416. Looking online, I see Space Sector 1416 is where it's supposed to be. What the fuck is wrong with you, Keith Giffen!? Are you placing it in Pre-Crises Reckoning since you've been around so fucking long? But you know what? That's not Giffen's job! He just writes the jokes and the dialogues and the wacky, crazy crap. Editor Joey Cavalieri and Assistant Editor Kate Stewart should have caught this one. Now my entire night is ruined! I need a fucking drink.

I think there's probably a joke in the fact that Kyle Rayner was allowed to land on Zamaron which is currently gender restricted. Fuck if I can make that funny though.

Hey! Let's take a commercial break since we still have a whole lot of Annual Goodness to get through! Maybe it'll give me a chance to catch my breath and down a couple of anti-depressants with my sake. Read this while I medicate.

OH MY GOD NO! NO! If I'm doing any good at all with these commentaries, y'all will know better than to buy this used piece of toilet paper! I cannot believe DC has the gall to sell this trade paperback! You know what they're doing here? YOU DO KNOW, RIGHT?! They're calling Superboy and Teen Titans fans SUCKERS! "We're DC and we can sell the Superboy Fandom anything! Hey look what I did? I gave Superboy a guest appearance in this public toilet bowl I just ruined with my massive bowel movement! I bet the Superboy fans will line up for a nice look at this mess!" Look at that list of A-List writers! Tom DeFalco! Scott Lobdell! Howard Mackie! Whoo boy! And notice the best quote they could find from Comic Book Resources? See that? Read it to yourself. How'd it sound in your own head? It comes off as SARCASTIC, doesn't it!? I can hear the disgust dripping from the Comic Book Resources hack that had to utter those words! Although it really is true! Brett Booth and Pete Woods carry this fucking book. If there's anything good to be had, it's definitely visual! Until you get to RB Silva's people that all look like the exact same guy (even the women) just wearing different wigs. Fuck. The UNMITIGATED gall of DC to collect these stories into one stinking volume! And don't mistake this rage for love, you fuck nuggets! OH MAN! If you misunderstand me now after all we've been through, I'll never type another word at you ever! This rage isn't a joke about rage and love being equal or the same thing or needing each other or whatever! THIS IS PURE HATRED!

And now back to our regularly scheduled annual!

All this time I thought he was going to fuck Carol to learn the ways of Love. But I guess this is the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog. Buckle up, Earth Man!

Arkillo and Saint Walker turn up because you can't have raging love without hopeful fear. This is beginning to get a bit too weird and rape fantasyey for me. I guess since Green Light all by itself is masturbation, you need the proper balance of light to the left and right of it to get a healthy, sexual relationship. Right now the union is a bit lopsided. Hope and Fear balance each other out but don't change the dynamic much. That's a relationship just beginning, hopeful and fearful at the same time. But because it's just started, it's still mostly jerking off in the sheets after a night of heavy petting gone to nowheresville. The next step of the relationship would be Compassion and Selfishness. You need to meet the needs of both you and your partner, careful not to swing too far to one side or the other. This is the really great wooing time. The chemistry hits a high point here as both sides are really getting what they need. And then a full fledged adult relationship when Love and Rage enter the picture! You only truly hate the one you love! Or something. I guess my philosophy of Lantern Light Masturbation Politics breaks down here. Or I just haven't given it enough thought. I guess this could be the part of the relationship where it's over and both parties know it but they keep at it, spiraling ever closer to the inevitable end of it all as they bitterly hate each other and then express their love and then hate the other one for doing that thing they do but then love them so much for doing that other thing and then fuck you, you asshole, wash a fucking dish once in awhile and then I'm so sorry, honey, you make me crazy and then your cat is a fucking vomiting mess and don't you talk about my cat that way and get out of my fucking house and thank you so much for making dinner, sweetie, and do you want to go for a walk and OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT A*G*A*I*N! Um. You know how that goes.

Sheesh. I look away for one second and they get up to some weird nonsense.

I don't know what these two asshats are talking about. Have you ever noticed that about Keith Giffen's writing? That prick fills every character with quick comebacks and witty zingers. And he's so Goddamned subtle that you have to reread his dialogue two or three times sometimes to get the gist of what the fucking characters are talking about. Of course the characters are following right along with each other! Not once does one of them stop and scratch their head and say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" That really should have been every fifth speech bubble in Giffen's early 2000 run of Suicide Squad.

Deadshot: "Did you catch a whiff of that tool box?"
Killer Frost: "Reminded me of pot roast served with heroin and hashish salt and pepper shakers."
Sgt. Frank Rock: "You shake that box often, Frost?"
Killer Frost: "You mean Deadshot's?"
Major Disaster: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

While Kyle trains with female Kilowog, Carol, Arkillo, and Saint Walker head out on a mission to piss off Lady Styx and the Tenebrian Dominion. Why it needs to be done has been very hush hush so far. Or else they explained it in one of the quick back and forths between Carol and the head Zamaron. Fucking Giffen! Oh wait. This new guy will explain it all! I think. Fucking Giffen!

Yes! An Amish Green Lantern! I don't think he should be wearing jewelry, right?

This Amish Green Lantern hangs out with a bunch of no good losers called the Star Rovers. Since Keith Giffen is writing this comic book and he's going to be at the helm of Threshold, I'm fairly certain these guys will be recurring cast members. I bet they're all just so zany you can't even believe it! And they probably riff off of each other super quick!

These Star Rovers have been assigned to smuggle the Lanterns and Sapphire into the Tenebrian Dominion so that they can speak with Lady Styx into battling the Third Army with the Lantern Corps. She might not agree at first but once all of her people begin turning into Borg Lanterns, she'll start fighting with the Lanterns whether she wants to or not. I guess the real fucking trick is getting her to fight with them before they're all dead. Or assimilated.

The Rovers manage to get Carol Ferris inside and then decide to make a little cash off of her by handing her over to the Hunted Reality Show's talent scouts. I think that was what it was called. Hunted. I guess they're mercenaries who always keep their word but will twist that word to their benefit whenever they get the chance. After dumping her off, they head out to bring Arkillo and Saint Walker as well.

But that doesn't work out so well for them. Serves them right. I'm sick of DC Mercenaries and Bounty Hunters that "always keep their word" or "always deliver." How about a Bounty Hunter that has been known to catch some of the biggest scores in the Universe but sometimes really, really, really fucks up the job. Take your chances, you know?

Later, Carol Ferris ends up on The Hunted and I have to read about people watching television! Now I want to watch television! Reading is annoying! Why doesn't someone just talk it all right in my ear? Boy, I love television! But I hate that it sucks my life force away! But man I can't get enough of it! And then I lie in the dark weeping about the things I could have been doing. But television is so much easier than doing those things! And probably more entertaining. Life is boring. You know when people say, "You couldn't write something like that?" Those people are idiots. Of course you can! Shut up and go read a fucking book!

Carol Ferris gets one rotation of the planet free from being hunted. It's like the scariest game of hide and seek you'll ever play! Unless you play Hitori Kakurenbo! Before The Hunting begins, Lady Styx comes out of the shadows to speak with Carol.

Goddammit! It's one in the morning and I'm tucked away in my tiny office in a dark house and I just had to reread that fucking Hitori Kakurenbo shit! Japan, why do you always know exactly how to scare the fucking pants off of me?

Lady Styx leaves and Jediah, Arkillo, and Walker show up to save her. They're getting ready to hitch a lift from some mouthy twat named Rokko when Walker uses his ring and alerts everybody on the fucking planet to his presence. That's because there's this thing called Smart Dust all over the world that detects Lantern Light. It probably also detects Blue Beetle farts but they already caught him. I wonder if his The Hunted show has already aired or if it was preempted by Star Sapphire's show?

Good news! Everybody escapes except Jediah! Arkillo knocks him cold and shoves him out of the ship because he's an asshole. The he is ambiguous for a reason.

Even though Jediah is captured and going to end up on The Hunted going against the Crimson Thrust (probably in Threshold #1), Rokko's ship and everyone in it manage to escape into nonexistent space.

There are only 3600 Space Sectors. Unless those sectors have a limit at the inside edge of a sphere and then sectors begin past that in concentric spheres or something, Sector 9008 doesn't exist.

Thankfully this non-existent sector is right next door to Zamaron's sector (you know? 1416! Unless it was 1654?). Everyone heads to Zamaron to see how Kyle is doing with his love training. Except for, you know, Jediah. He's kind of tied up! HAR HAR! Did I win the prize for the one millionth time that joke has been told?

Wait a second! I was just tricked into reading the prologue to Threshold?! Fuck you, DC! How dare you!

Green Lantern New Guardians Annual #1 Rating: I don't rate these fucking things, remember?!