Batwoman #28

I thought Gotham City was horrible before it had giant spiders.

At the end of last issue, Maggie's daughter caught Kate Kane changing out of her Batwoman costume in the middle of the night. If that's the worst thing to go wrong this night then she should probably be ecstatic. She survived being ambushed by Wolf Spider, poisoned, and thrown off of a skyscraper. She could have come home and began making out with Maggie while in full costume when Maggie's daughter walked in. That song would be so much better than "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Which, when you really think about it, is a totally fucked up song. The little girl doesn't know Santa is her daddy so she thinks her mom is cuckolding daddy (I'm sure the girl in the song knows the word "cuckold") and she thinks it's funny! "Oh, what a laugh if daddy had only seen! As long as he had his shotgun locked up in the gun safe, that is." Of course, we, the listeners, don't even actually know that her Daddy is dressed as Santa! That could be her Dad's best friend Ross under that beard and red suit! Still, whether or not Mommy is screwing around behind Daddy's back doesn't bother me at all. It's the little girl's attitude that I find abhorrent! She should be freaked out by this! She should be screaming for Daddy to get in here and kick Santa's ass! At the very least, she should go back to her bedroom and begin shitting in the corner of her room on a nightly basis due to her suddenly acquiring a healthy new set of emotional problems that will be with her for the rest of her life.

"I saw mommy kissing Batwoman,
Bloody bruised and breathing heavily.
All the boners there would have been
If some fratboys had only seen
Mommy kissing Batwoman last night!"

Maybe I'm pursuing the wrong livelihood! I should attempt to be like Hugh Grant's character's father in About a Boy and work on trying to write one fucking Christmas hit and be set for life! Why doesn't everybody do that?! It can't be that hard to write a good Christmas song. People continue to fucking play that vile piece of ear feces "Frosty the Snowman", don't they? Whenever I watched the Christmas special, I always wondered if, after Frosty put on the magic hat, Frosty took on aspects of the original hat's owner and became a raging pedophile? I'm not saying all magicians are perverse kid diddlers but...no, no. I am saying that. I haven't watched that special in a long time because I hate it but wasn't the magician portrayed as a villain? When all he wanted was his stupid hat back after that snowbitch stole it? Frosty really should have been arrested for petty larceny.

I'm not sure why this is such a big deal. Kids get scared sometimes. Probably not enough times even. Actually, they should be in a constant state of terror. If I had a child, you can bet there would be no "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" bullshit. It would be more, "No no no no no no no no no no why is mommy kissing the bogeyman oh no no no no no no" and "Daddy, why is their a large stone table covered in melted red crayon and hamburger in the basement?"

Since Kate's personal life is now all screwed up because of one inconsequential fright that will probably be forgotten in the morning, Kate decides to go out as Batwoman looking for Wolf Spider. Nobody wants to tell her where he is because they ain't no good rats. Kate does find him the next day when she runs into her high school friend Evan who is just as beat up as she is but neither of them know that they were recently just trying to kill each other. Unless Evan isn't actually Wolf Spider because that would be a bigger twist than him being Wolf Spider. As soon as it was mentioned Evan was good at gymnastics, the odds were more in favor of him being Wolf Spider than not. Also the new character is always the prime suspect when introduced in an issue where a new villain is also introduced. So, yet again, that would make it a bigger twist if he wasn't the bad guy.

This is the face of a woman thinking, "Hey wait. Didn't the Trap Door Spider use Krav Maga to throw me through a window?"

Kate ditches Evan to go talk with Maggie and winds up running into Maggie's daughter, Jamie. Who she scares yet again. Good for her! Keep that kid's instincts sharp! She's living in Gotham City now! Can't ever relax too much.

Maggie and Kate have a really lousy talk because all of a sudden Kate's career as a superhero is suddenly putting strain on their relationship. Not the kind of strain where Maggie says, "I can't do this anymore!" The kind of strain where Maggie says, "You probably need a psychiatrist because cuckoo puffs!" Maybe it's not exactly that kind of strain either but it's definitely Maggie looking at Kate in a new light now that Maggie's daughter is in the house with them. She's actually seeing her as possibly dangerous since she's diagnosed her with post-traumatic stress disorder. That's fair, I guess. Not that everybody that has horrible experiences winds up with PTSD. But it's a possibility, right? And what if Jamie drops her teddy bear really softly one night as she enters the room where Kate and Maggie are sleeping and Kate jumps up and knocks Jamie out with a batarang? Better safe than mentally off-balance, right?

It's more likely that Maggie suffers from PTSD so she automatically assumes Kate does too. Just like an alcoholic seeing a non-alcoholic take a few too many drinks one night and begins getting preachy and smirking knowingly and shaking there head in self-righteous judgment. Man, I hate when dad does that to me! Just because I choose to get shit-faced at the family Christmas Party and accidentally have sex with a stocking hanging from the fake fireplace, that doesn't mean I have a problem! Jerko.

Oh! Now you pull out the Batgrapple?! Couldn't have used it when you were plummeting thirty stories to the ground last issue, could you?

Meanwhile Bette Kane has been doing some research on the artwork that Brown Recluse has been stealing. She's discovered that he's only bothering with crappy paintings by some jerk named Alden Eisenstadt (which is probably an anagram for something like "Eisenstadt Alden"). What she doesn't find out is that some of the paintings were merely concealing maps to something far more valuable than the painting itself. And that's why Wolf Spider has been hired to steal them. He only needs two more: one is in Arkham and the other is in the Kane Family Estate.

Batwoman #28 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that Batwoman never actually battled a Giant Spider. Oh! That was probably a metaphor for the battle she had with Maggie in which she conceded that she is probably crazy and should get some help. I'd explain how precise the metaphor is in its genius but I wouldn't want to seem like I was patronizing you. I can tell you understood it perfectly!

Batwoman #26

This gives me a good idea for a performance art piece! Go to a museum with a box of big, hairy spiders and just begin throwing them into people's hair. It's a commentary on how hard it is to appreciate art when there is a spider crawling on you. It will really make people think and nod their heads profoundly after they're done screaming and I explain the nature of the piece to them in a fifteen page manifesto. Which actually makes me think maybe all I need is the manifesto and I can drop the spider throwing bit? No, no. How are stupid, boring words going to get media attention?! Gotta go with the spiders! I mean, the art!

Any visual art that needs a letter of intent or a manifesto or a long-winded explication of the piece by the artist is not visual art. It's an artistic idea or maybe, with a little actual work, an essay or a nice piece of writing. But a lot of upcoming artists want to be seen as Artists with a capital "A" and profound and creative without putting in actual hard, difficult, passionate work. Which is why they strap a tampon to a cat and hang it from a crucifix. Because it's a striking image with familiar yet disparate objects placed in a way you'd never expect them to be placed. So it must mean something crazy smart, right? But just because a few people can jerk their art minds off all over the faces of other people rabid to join in on the conversation, it doesn't make it art. Many definitions of art exist so, yes, technically that poor fucking crucified cat is art. But my definition of art is deeply concerned with intent. The intent should be a passionate intensity, a fire out of control, an obsession that cannot be sated. If the main intent is ego, if it's for you, the artist, to be acknowledged as a tremendous talent, as the brightest mind on the block, as an up and coming superstar, I'd really question whether art is being created. If the art is the means to an end, it's a bastardization, a Frankenstein's Monster, a piece of shit covered in gold. I'm not saying the two aren't incompatible. Artists invariably want people to appreciate what they do. But it really depends on who's in the saddle. Is it the art or the artist? I'd say the artist needs to be the horse, mute about their work, letting the work stand alone. But that's probably really difficult in current times with instant fame and a massive audience waiting on the internet to possibly viralize your every thought. In most cases, neither the art nor the artist is in the saddle. It's the audience.

Although when I think about it a bit, I suppose just writing "strap a tampon to a cat and hang it from a crucifix" is a fuck-ton easier than actually creating that piece! I'd say whoever put that together was an artist willing to suffer for their work because that cat is not going up there without a fucking fight. Although if they succumbed to the lure of explaining the piece, I'd change my position and take away their artist credit! Yes, I'm a fickle, judgmental bitch. Also a hater. And I'm an Artist with a capital "A"! But I'm mostly a performance artist and most of my performances take place alone and most of them involve masturbation. But my art is full of passion! So there! In your face, you stupid critics who completely panned my gallery appearance last year! Luckily my piece only lasted the briefest of moments so just a few critics experienced it. But they were very mean and critical of my performance. And they might have been prostitutes.

Last time we saw Batwoman and it wasn't five years ago, she was about to kick Batman's ass. But I guess that was all a fucking dream or something. Anyway, this issue begins in 1929 so it doesn't really matter anyway, does it? Back in 1929, some brave, strong young man hangs himself amidst a bunch of paintings. The next day a boy on the street waved a newspaper around yelling, "Extree! Extree! Read all about it! Reversal of Fortune! Art Hangs Artist! The Mystery of the Century! Extree! Extree!"

Back in the future, Wolf Spider (no relation to Bane's Wolf Spider, I'm guessing, because Bane's Wolf Spider is dead. I think) is stealing really shitty art.

See?! The artist couldn't even be bothered to draw in the faces! Rookie mistake!

Later at some social event (perhaps Kate and Maggie's engagement party?), Kate Kane shows her ignorance as her friend Evan Blake discusses a depression era painting by Eisenstadt about how the Waynes were destroying the city. It's truly embarrassing for her and I'm not sure I can continue to like her after she reveals she's never seen Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Shame on her. There are some movie classics that transcend time and special effects and it's every citizen's duty to seek them out and learn from them. In thirty years, people will probably be referencing The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift as a classic of a bygone age and you won't want to be the only one in the room not able to discuss its homoerotic themes, imperialistic undertones, and how it portrays mankind's everlasting struggle between the belief in the power of oneself and the belief that there is an omnipotent being directing everything one does.

Kate and Evan have been friends since high school where they bearded each other. Evan is concerned that he might be a target for the art thief that killed a collector the previous night. Because the artist stole an Eisenstadt and Evan owns one! I can tell that they're by the same artist because the artist forgot the faces in both paintings! Eventually Bette makes an appearance and Evan heads off to impress his guests with his knowledge of Gremlins II: The New Batch.

Oh Bette. Stop being so adorable.

I said stop!

Bette talks Batwoman into hitting the streets of Gotham where a good ass-kicking is guaranteed any night of the week. Bette also drops a clue about Batwoman's fight with Batman and their Alice rescue mission and their chess game against Director Bones and Cameron Chase and the rest of the DEO. You know, the story that never got an ending? Well apparently the finale will be told in an Annual in April! Perfect! I mean, the perfect amount of time for me to forget everything that was happening so that I won't fucking care anymore.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'll care! Batman versus Batwoman!

It's a good thing they go out too because Evan Blake's apartment is being robbed by Wolf Spider even as I type this! Good thing he purchased a Waynetech Home Security Silent Alarm! I guess Evan wasn't rich enough to purchase the Waynetech Double Plus Good Super Duper High Tech Home Security Silent Bat-Alarm because the Security Call Center is calling the Gotham Police instead of The Goddamned Batman. Evan does get lucky though and Batwoman intercepts the alert. I bet he'll wind up having to pay extra for that.

I tried warning you, Bette. If you'd had something other than huge jets of fire at your offensive disposal, you might have been able to do something without worrying about burning your friend's home down.

Batwoman, stealing a page from Batman's play book, breaks Wolf Spider's jaw. But then he pretends to give up and Batwoman does something Batman never does: relents! Instead of beating him to a nice, pasty, pulpy, barely-breathing mess, she hesitates when he gives himself up and winds up with a face full of poison barbs. But that's just the beginning! Because after that, Wolf Spider kicks her off the balcony on the 32nd floor. Whoops! I bet if she hadn't burnt her bridges with Batman, he might appear to save her. I guess she'll just have to save herself. She probably has one of those Bat-Grapples built into her suit. Plus she has a sidekick! Isn't sacrificing their lives so that the hero can live a sidekick's number one job? Come on, Bette! Get on with it already! Throw your life away so that Batwoman can live!

Batwoman #26 Rating: No change. I'm a bit disappointed that DC fucked with the finish to the Batwoman versus Batman story arc. But the art goes a long way to making me forget that a two year story line was one month away from being completed when DC abandoned it. Plus the character moments were well done this issue. I feel this had the right amount of Batwoman battling and Kate Kane enjoying some down time. Now if only all of the comic books could figure out that balance, I'd be about 7% happier with the books I'm reading.

Batwoman #22

Nobody let Jim Shooter see this cover! Unless you want him to have a stroke. Then by all means, give him a copy!

Batwoman is a consistently well-written and well-drawn comic book, so it's a gigantic pain in my ass. It presents next to no opportunities for dick jokes and rants about poor editing. I fucking hate this comic book.

Last issue was all about Killer Croc so I don't remember what was happening with Batwoman. I think she and her entire family were starting a detective agency so that they could figure out Batman's secret identity. I bet the first move is to infiltrate Wayne Enterprises since Batman is so closely tied to Bruce Wayne! Or maybe infiltrate Arkham!

Alaska and not Wayne Enterprises? That might be my worst guess ever!

That was the first panel of the comic. The final two panels of the first page show Batwoman and Hawkfire trudging through a snowy forest. Is this about Batman's identity or just another random mission for the DEO? This is a good example of why I began this blog. Because last issue was about Killer Croc, I haven't been clued in to what was happening in Batwoman's story (although, sure, I could read Batwoman #20's commentary to catch up). I don't know if the reason why they're in Alaska was explained earlier or if it'll be explained later. One of reasons I hated reading monthly comics as I got older was being thoroughly confused for the first few pages until the comic either explained what was happening or I would eventually get enough information out of the book to kickstart my memory.

Whatever is happening, that's a pretty dope or sick or sweet or radical or literally amazing picture of Director Bones up there.

It appears right now, they're hunting Bane for some reason.

I'm still confused! I'm hoping for a 24 hours earlier box!

Batwoman eventually gets him tied to a tree with something called Python Coil, courtesy of the D.E.O. And then she begins the interrogation. I suppose they have one question: WHO IS THE MOTHERLOVING BATMAN?!

Batwoman's question is this: How do I defeat Batman? Bane's answer is that only Bane can defeat Batman! But he also manages to point out that if perchance Batman were really, really exhausted and maybe if Batman were tricked in some way, well, it's possible someone other than Bane could defeat him. But not likely! Batwoman thanks him and leaves.

I don't know, Batwoman captured Bane fairly easily. Sure, he didn't have any Venom pumping through his veins. But still! He was hogtied in three pages! She broke Bane; I think she can break Batman!

After questioning Bane, Batwoman sends Maggie Sawyer into Arkham to question a bunch of other Bat-villains about The Bat. She questions Black Mask, The Mortician, Fright, and Professor Pyg. I only recognize Black Mask although Professor Pyg seems familiar! Probably because so many nutbags love to wear pig's head masks.

The consensus? He's a robot that loves kicking ass.

Meanwhile Jakob Kane is training Bette (Hawkfire!) to infiltrate the D.E.O. so she can break out Jacob's daughter Elizabeth (Black Alice! Unless it's just Alice!?). This is the back-up plan to freeing Elizabeth by learning Batman's secret identity because what are the fucking odds that that is going to happen? The whole training section feels like one of those pilots for a new sitcom that airs within an episode of a current sitcom. Bette is trained by The Murder of Crows, Jacob's gang of cliché tough guys! I expect DC's next War Comic to be Murder of Crows which will star this bunch of Magnificent Seven wannabes.

And then Batwoman is ready to lure out Batman with a plan of her own that she's formed from the information she got from his enemies. But that plan won't be revealed until next month. Unless there is another Interlude next month!

Batwoman #22 Rating: No change. This issue felt like more of an interlude than the Killer Croc issue! Not a whole lot happened here. Bette and Kate caught Bane. Kate interviewed some crazies with Maggie. Bette beat up a bunch of old men while training. The Murder of Crows got their pilot issue to see if the readers are interested in a comic book about these guys. And Director Bones got in a little fishing. And I didn't get to make a single dick joke.

Batwoman #19

Is Kate's grey skin going to be explained by being related to Director Bones?

From the very first page, my earlier assumptions are flushed away like so many Indian food fueled hopes and dreams. That was a tortured simile, if you were wondering what one of those might look like. The only reason I'm on the internet is to provide examples of horrible writing and devastatingly awkward turns of phrase that wind up in suburban dead ends where little towheaded white children play street hockey with soft balls and full padding and the streets are named after characters from vague and long forgotten fantasy novels. Although that is a misrepresentation of the actual truth which, for the time being, shall remain obfuscated by over one thousand entries on comic books and my pitiful existence. Entries which probably double back, repeat, run on and on, and go nowhere while spewing hyperbolic vitriol on anybody that doesn't think exactly as I do. But I continue to move forward (if moving in an ever dwindling spiral can be considered forward progression) for no reason at all, with no destination and no goal in sight. Because what else is there? I suppose I could be sitting on the porch of a well-mortgaged house with an ever-expanding gut as I smile proudly at my children stomping about the yard. Is that a loftier life than continuously escaping into comic books? No, no. Do not answer. I have lived amongst the social normies long enough to anticipate the harsh, critical judgment of those following in the footsteps of those following in the footsteps of those following in the footsteps of dim figures lost to time. We shall see, in the end, what matters most.

Ha ha! No, no. That was a joke. In the end, there will be no answers, no regrets, no remembrances of a life well (or not so well) lived. It will just be an instantaneous return to the state we left behind when our parents gave us life in the first place. That is to say, endless nothing.

And so Batwoman begins with the reader being introduced to Cameron Chase's sister and a mystery!

The mystery is how does anybody surf in Gotham Harbor?

Oh, mystery solved! Apparently this isn't Gotham Harbor at all. Cameron has flown out to . . . well, somewhere, to speak with her sister. The other actual mystery that I really meant before I skewed the perceived direction of my narrative flow was how Cameron's father wound up dead in an alley. Apparently he was The Cockroach in a superhero group that included Leopartard, Peace Fascist, The Portlandia Strongman, The Hooded Martian, and The Happy Harpy. Oh, here. Have a look for yourself.

I'm 97% certain I nailed all of their names.

Cameron's talk with her sister doesn't really go very well. Or go anywhere, really. They discuss how their dad and his superhero shenanigans fucked them both up for life. It's the driving force behind Cameron's need to shut down the whole super hero game. I always forget about the Department of Extranormal Operations when I think of all the organizations in the DC Universe. But this is just another one like ARGUS and Team 7 that are a reaction against super heroes and the government's need to control everything. But at least this organization isn't run by Amanda Waller. I hope Director Bones doesn't have any secret ambitions to run more than this one fucked up group. Anyway, Cameron has decided to set Black Alice (or Beth. Or whatever! I still need to read the Preboot Batwoman series!) loose on Batwoman. I think.

In other news, Maggie and Kate have finally moved in together and Kate is trying too hard to be the sexy, compassionate, comforting, underwear wearing half of the couple. Just because she's the superhero in the relationship, she thinks she needs to be strong for Maggie when Maggie is going through a rough time in the aftermath of a confrontation with The Scarecrow. But Kate needs to remember that Maggie is just as tough and individualistic as Kate, and acting like the strong one is only going to drive Maggie away. Plus I think Maggie has issues with her kid not being with her and she needs to figure out how to reconcile her life with her child and her life with Kate. I think it's time for a day at the amusement park for everyone! Too bad Amusement Mile was burnt to the fucking ground.

Meanwhile Kate's father Jacob is busy telling his wife all about his and his daughter's and his niece's secret lives. And she apparently wants to be the Alfred in this set-up.

Wait. What? Director Bones, right?!

Later Hawkfire and Batwoman go out on the town to capture a woman named Shard that is beating up on DEO agents because they stole something from The Religion of Crime. Just like they stole Mr. Freeze's freeze gun, right? What are they up to? That's what Hawkfire wants to know. I already know what they're up to but I don't want to spoil it for anybody. When their plan is finally revealed, I'll just nod my head knowingly and say, "Yup." But since Batwoman can't tell Hawkfire about the DEO, Hawkfire tells Batwoman she can't be her partner anymore. And Batwoman says, "Fuck you! You were my sidekick, bitch!" Hawkfire puts a tracer on Batwoman as they say goodbye. I'm surprised with all the tracers on things in Gotham City that they don't just completely interfere with each other so that nobody can find anything.

Part of the reason Batwoman can't answer Hawkfire's questions is because she doesn't know the answers. Hawkfire won't work with Batwoman because she can't trust the DEO. Batwoman can't even trust the DEO but she doesn't feel like she has much choice. So she goes to have a word with Director Bones about this whole fucked up situation. Bones tells her: he wants Batman's secret identity.

Oh come on! Batman just lost a kid! Bruce Wayne just lost a kid! They're inextricably tied together and you can't make the fucking connection?!

Director Bones threatens to put Kate's father in prison if she doesn't help. But she doesn't care about that anymore. She won't be manipulated anymore. Which is when Director Bones lets her in on a little secret that might change Kate's attitude: he has Beth.

Batwoman #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book still looks fantastic. Mostly. The Walden Wong inked pages weren't so great although they maintained the usual "back-up look" of this comic. I guess that's sufficient. I hope at some point this book brings Helix into the Reboot Universe. Maybe have Director Bones attend a Helix Reunion. Spend a full issue on that while Kate is on her honeymoon or something.