The Phantom Stranger #18

In which Doctor Light gets deep inside Superman.

This looks like an interesting idea, right? Superman is powered by sunlight so Doctor Light can possess Superman by entering through his Kryptonian Photosynthesis Cells. Or however it is he absorbs sunlight. I suppose the same way everybody does so they don't have to take Vitamin D Supplements. Also, this cover is ugly. Also a joke about Doctor Light's Vitamin D Supplement being his dong.

It's easier to just point out places where a good joke can be made than actually taking the time to think up something funny. It also seems to be fairly acceptable humor for average people, so I'll stick with it!

I guess Forever Evil: Blight is over? And since Superman is in this, he survived Forever Evil and Doomed. Unless this is a flashback episode. I actually don't care how it falls into continuity. I just hope it's a well told story about the Man of Steel because those seem really hard to do in the era of The New 52.

Exactly! You should have super anxiety.

I would think Superman would be anxious all the time. Maybe not so much now that his parents are dead and he doesn't have to worry about disappointing them. Except that Superman probably believes in heaven and that Ma and Pa Kent are watching him all the time. That would make me super anxious if I thought my relatives were watching everything I do. Do you think they laugh their asses off watching me try to wipe myself clean after having a really messy shit? Those bastards! I hear you snickering, Grandpa!

Anyway, Superman doesn't have to worry about himself. He knows he'll be fine. And even if he isn't, he's not worried about dying while trying to help everybody else. But I imagine he'd feel anxious about keeping everybody in the entire world safe from everybody else in the entire world. He would be worried about failing constantly because he can't be everywhere at once. And even if he could go back in time like his movie version, I think he might cause some paradoxes if six billion versions of himself suddenly showed up at the same time.

My point is Superman seems like a worrier to me. It's why Batman calls him Mr. Whiskers.

Superman is currently hanging out on the roof of some building in Metropolis thinking about how psychics are frauds when he's unexpectedly visited by the Ghost of Doctor Light and the Ghosts of A Bunch of Other Dead People. They all claim to have been killed by Superman. I suppose Superman did kill Doctor Light although it wasn't intentional. But he was the one walking around with loaded eyeballs, so he's kind of responsible for what happens to people when the eyeballs suddenly go off in somebody's face. The other ghosts are probably just people that died thinking, "Why wasn't Superman around to save me?! That bastard!"

Meanwhile in New York City, The Phantom Stranger looks out of a window in post-coital bliss with Zauriel who's dressed only in a bath towel.

Somebody ring a fucking bell already. Poor wingless Zauriel.

The Stranger and Zauriel are holed up with Terrance Thirteen in his playboy penthouse apartment monitoring mystical anomalies on Thirteen's Magic HAMM Radio. It looks like The Phantom Stranger now has a way to find people in trouble so he doesn't have to wander the world like some vagabond that loves betraying friends he hasn't met. Currently, Thirteen notices some problems with reality in Metropolis.

I don't think that's a good enough excuse, Superman. If your powers are that dangerous and they can be manipulated by other people, you've got to figure out how to lock them down. Especially since you're so susceptible to magic and mind control. You bear some of the responsibility in Doctor Light's death.

Superman needs to let Batman design a kill switch for him. So if Superman ever gets hijacked again and begins killing people (sort of like the problem they're currently having over on Earth 2), someone (probably Batman) can flip the switch and Superman will drop dead. Why do you think Batman likes having a sidekick? The main reason for the sidekick is to kill Batman if he ever turns to evil! That's the only gun Batman allows his sidekicks to have: The Extreme Emergency Batman Shutdown One-Shot Derringer. Everybody in the Batfamily has one. Except Jason Todd. That fucker would always be coming up with excuses to try and use it.

The other ghosts are citizens of Metropolis who are angry that Superman couldn't figure out a way to stop death. Bunch of selfish assholes. Guess what? Superman has a list just like Santa Claus. But Superman actually does know what you're thinking. I mean, as long as you think out loud. I bet he knows every citizen that's ever badmouthed him. When a disaster hits, he probably sets up his triage by the names on that list. "Let's see, Mr. Maxwell Clark is being ravaged by rabid dogs. But he once called me a 'Super Twat,' so I think I'll help get little Clarissa May's cat out of the tree instead."

Superman forgets the lesson he learned from his father about not being able to save everybody and to just be content in being able to do what he can. As long as he's always trying his best, that's as much as he can ask of himself. Until now! Now Superman is going to forget the lessons of his father and decide it's once again time that he learn how to save everybody always. Death shall die this day!

While I don't think Superman should feel guilty about people dying since that's how the fucking world works, he really should feel bad about the Doctor Light incident.

"And it was exhilarating!"

The Stranger tells Superman not to worry about it. Go catch a movie. Relax. Forget about other people's troubles. But Superman wants to fix this. He decides to fly up into The Stranger's mystical crack and save all of the dead people from being dead.

Superman allows Doctor Light to punish him. He once burned Doctor Light to ashes, so now he allows Doctor Light to try to do the same to him. And so Superman is bathed in fire, perhaps baptized by it so as to be reborn?

"While I was burning in ectoplasmic napalm, I remembered the death of my parents already taught me this lesson. But thanks for the reminder!"

Once Superman stands up to Doctor Light, he learns that Doctor Light is actually Philip the Cuckolded Sin Eater. Philip was also a serial killer. Now he's the Agent of Natas the Rottweiler. Natas the Rotweiler is the Fremesis of Dog the Scottish Terrier. They've had the most annoying barking war going on for thousands of years with mankind living in the house between their houses and just trying to get some sleep.

Metropolis and Superman are safe now but it looks San Francisco and Cassandra Craft are the next victims on the Sin Eater's list. Plus next issue guest stars a very special Barn Owl!

This could probably be made into a really funny Madame Xanadu's vagina joke.

The Phantom Stranger #18 Rating: No change. I wish DC's universe wide cosmic events would fail to boost sales so they'd just stop doing them. This comic book says "The Phantom Stranger" on the front. So I want to read about the character "The Phantom Stranger." I don't want to read a plot about a cosmic crisis that sort of features The Phantom Stranger. He shouldn't be taking the back seat to the plot. Let's see the plot derive from his character! Or at least, like in this issue, a plot that revolves around characters important to his overall story, like Sin Eater and, now, Cassandra. Isn't that a novel idea?

A.R.G.U.S. #3

Keep him away from that child!

Last issue, Steve Trevor inexplicably survived a battle with Deathstork Deathstroke. Too bad the comic book is from the point of view of Steve Trevor instead of Deathstroke or else we could have gotten another entry in Deathstroke's War Journal!

Steve Trevor returned to ARGUS Headquarters, sending the President and Candy on a picnic on/with Fiddler's Green. And then he went to look at himself in a magic mirror he was storing for safe keeping for Wonder Woman. It's one of those mirrors that makes you pay for asking questions in it. And Steve already owes it for something. Probably for making Wonder Woman fall out of love with him because he knew it was only holding her back. And when he yelled at her that one time at the amusement park and told her he doesn't love her and to go away, scat!, Git!, she didn't listen. She just laughed at his antics and shoved more cotton candy in her face.

Also, Dr. Light has returned from heaven and he's accidentally burning up ARGUS Agents. Enh, it happens.

And with all that going on, it's the perfect time to see what was happening five years ago on one of Steve Trevor and Diana Prince's dates!

What's the best way to cook a khalkotauroi? Now I feel like I need to come up with a punch line.

This was the moment that Steve Trevor told Wonder Woman he would be working with a new government agency called ARGUS. Diana points out to Steve what I've been pointing out all along: Argus was the name of a hundred eyed beast that could see everyone and everything. Somebody in the government is too smart for their own good, putting the purpose of the organization right there in the acronym while pretending the agency is doing something else. This memory is currently being stolen by one of the witches from the mirror Steve Trevor visited at the end of the last issue. But this memory is just payment for last time. I imagine he'll have to pay up front for his next favor. I have no idea what kinds of favors these witches grant. Prophecy? Magic artifacts? Clockwork owls? Four hour erections?

Oh, did we know that Stever Trevor's middle name was Howard? That's perfect. His initials are SHT! Ha ha! Steve's parents were assholes.

Steve negotiates with the witches and it sounds like he's going to give up his greatest memory to find out what happened to Diana! I bet that memory is the first time he caught a glance of a girl's underwear! Oh sweet cherished mistake! Favorable breeze! Skirt of lightest materials! Just a flash! Just a second! But what a sweet sight! The newness of arousal! The heartbreaking crush! The lurid, inexpressible thoughts! All this from his first brief glimpse of the forbidden!

The witches show Trevor that the lost heroes have been subsumed by Firestorm. But he does not know where to find Firestorm! But the witches must be under the thrall of ancient magics which do not allow them to take overpayment for information. He has offered them the world with his young memory of glimpsing panties, so they teleport him to a location where he can find Firestorm. Or at least find his trail.

Martin Stein and Killer Frost? That should do it.

Luckily Trevor brought a magic fire blade to defend himself. You know, if Steve Trevor would be willing to listen to Killer Frost for a moment, couldn't they work out a deal? Couldn't she feed on the heat of the magic blade? Or does she have to kiss a living being to warm herself up? I guess I'll find out after a one page diversion into The Green Room.

Etta learns that the keeper of The Green Room, Mr. Green, is a founding member of ARGUS. He's going to explain over a cup of tea. And that's all you get in one page! Back to the action!

Well, the action ends when Martin Stein shoots Frost in the stomach with a shotgun. It's at that point that they all begin to talk and realize they're all interested in finding Firestorm. If only everybody would drop these "hero" and "villain" labels, more conversations might begin with "What can I do for you?" as opposed to a punch in the face.

So Martin Stein, Genius, explains the situation in a way that even Steve Trevor can understand.

He's a scientist, not an artist! He's also pretty shitty at analogies.

Meanwhile, Firestorm is just where I said he'd be! In a lab somewhere with Deathstorm trying to convince him to teach him how to make Kryptonite. Jason was lost inside the Firestorm Matrix with everybody else but Ronnie Raymond is a floating, disembodied head. How do you like being the guy in the back seat, Ronnie? Not too fun, is it?

Double meanwhile with cherries on top, Doctor Light appears in Los Angeles where he's greeted by a new Super Secret Agency: The Crimson Men!

A.R.G.U.S. #3 Rating: No change. It's interesting to see the development of each of the Forever Evil mini-series and to see what part of the overall Forever Evil story each one is responsible for. So ARGUS is dealing with finding Firestorm and freeing the Justice Leagues. I think Justice League Dark is being kept somewhere else, probably The Project, so that's all going down in The Blight. Also in The Blight series, we now have Deadman as Sea King, so he'll probably get close to the Syndicate. Over in Rogues Rebellion we have...well, I don't know exactly what's going on there. Or Arkham War! Maybe they'll just be crazy off-shoots of the overall story and not be critical to how it all ends. Or maybe I'm just not very observant or I'm rushing through my thoughts right now because I need to get dinner in the oven in time to cook and eat it before I have to rush off to work.