Sinestro #17

Since when did Wile E. Coyote change professions from bird hitman to world conqueror?

Remember when Sinestro was a guy with a ring that could make yellow light constructions but he couldn't defeat a guy whose green light constructions couldn't protect him from anything yellow? It's totally fitting that he's sharing this cover with the world's most inept coyote. When I was an autistic little shit kid who stared off into space for 90% of the time when I wasn't a whirling dervish of fists and tears, it never occurred to me that Sinestro should be able to defeat Green Lantern in the space of fifteen seconds. I just thought Sinestro and Green Lantern were like knights with a code of chivalry that said they must attempt to defeat each other in the bounds of whatever theme they happened to agree upon. I think one of those times they actually chose green and yellow suits of armor with lances which was a contest--come on! Seriously!--Sinestro should have come out on top of. I just loved that they'd battle with baseball paraphernalia or construction equipment or Tennis racquets (or rackets if I weren't such a snob!). It excited me to see what they would come up with together for that episode's battle. It's not like Green Lantern ever decided to bring a giant yo-yo into battle while Sinestro fired yellow nuclear missiles at him. It was a gentleman's game and it made Sinestro seem far less incompetent than I'd soon realize he truly was as I got older and stopped whirling in frustration as much as I used to and decided to begin cultivating a horribly cynical outer shell to protect me from the vagaries of social conventions and the awkwardness of intimate human contact.

This issue begins with Sinestro writing an essay on Earth and how it's consumed by fear. In his view, the people of Earth are so embroiled in fear that this planet should have been called Fearth. Get it? Has that joke ever been made by Geoff Johns when he was writing the Sinestro War? Suck it, Geoff Johns! Unless he did make that observation and then I'm arrestedly developed man enough to say, "Kudos to you, goodsir!" Then I'd probably tip my fedora, pull in the edge of my cape, and bow with a flourish. "Kudos!"

Um, so Sinestro's essay points out that the people of Earth are fearful little muskrats full of fear and other emotions that are basically just synonyms for fear like terror and anxiety and all American conservative modes of thought. He's all, "Earth is a Kinder Surprise Egg with the most dangerous toy inside! In fact, there's not a toy inside it at all! It's a knife! A big fucking knife covered in fire ants and the handle is a naked woman who totally wants to do it! So scary!" And the Earthlings are all, "Ah! Everything is so scary! God, help me! I would call to science to help me but science is complicated and every time I ask my atheist friend 'How does science know that?', he always goes into a long-winded explanation of things that don't make any sense so he has to explain those things and...ugh! Just say something easy like 'God made it!' Now that I can understand!"

Sinestro's encounter with the Pale Bishop, the long dead leader of The Paling whom he tracked to Earth some mysterious way that was probably scary, has gotten him thinking about fear and Earth. He knows an awful lot about Earth for a guy from the planet Kellogg. I don't think that was the name of the planet he was from but I do remember it began with a "K" and it's destroyed now so who the fuck cares what it was called? The Pale Bishop has turned out to be a 30% Guardian of the Universe and 70% Mummy. So not only is he obsessed with making the universe safer by destroying all individuality and choice and emotion, he's also really fucking slow and brittle. This fight should last about the amount of time it takes Sinestro to find an open flame.

Wait a second! Is that Warworld hanging up in the sky? And...and...and it isn't causing mass panic of the already panic-stricken people of Fearth?!

If Warworld were that visible in the sky, I think it would be having some destructive gravitational effects on the planet and the moon of our planet which is so unimaginatively called "the moon." Holy fuck we are boring people! We couldn't even come up with Magic Floating Sky Rock?! I'm surprised we're not a bunch of Planetlings living on the planet Planet. I would go into the science of how gravity works but I wouldn't want to bore any religious people who might be reading this. Let's just say God has this shit under control and leave it at that, shall we?

No wait! I can't leave it at that! Last night I was listening to Ground Zero with your host Clyde "I'm a Stupid Piece of Fucking Shit" Lewis and he was talking about climate change. At the end of the show, some guy called up to remind Clyde that God promised not to destroy the Earth in a flood ever again. And he quoted Genesis 8:22 as proof that climate change is bullshit: "While the earth remaineth, seed-time and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease." See, scientists? God promised that he won't cease all that shit so calm the fuck down, you idiots. God promised! The guy's second point was that Jesus was eventually going to come down and rule so why is everybody being so pessimistic? Jesus has got this, motherfuckers! Do whatever the fuck you want!

And that is why religion is dangerous! Because people believe that The Bible is useful in scientific discussions! Maybe instead of Fearth, this planet should have been called Dearth...Of Any Intelligence At All! Zing!

The Pale Bishop strikes Black Adam with Apathetic Lightning which makes Black Adam angry for some reason. I know when I suddenly don't care about something I forget all about it and it doesn't make me angry at all. I'm usually just, "What did I do with that ballot for the local election? Maybe I left it in Call of Duty multiplayer or inside this delicious carrot cake?"

Isn't the Pale Bishop asking Black Adam to be angry like Pope Urban II calling on Christians to invade the Middle East? You know what. Those aren't even really close to equitable. I just wanted to mention Pope Urban II because how cool is that Pope name? Urban. You know he fucked a lot of ladies. Maybe ladies should be in quotes? It was still the Catholic Church. Zing!

I don't know what Sinestro has against The Paling. It's not like his philosophy of "Fear is the answer and reason for everything and I can't read a book or watch a movie without making it all about fear because it's the only issue I care about!" I guess it's like how religious people look at my atheism not as a belief I have that doesn't have anything to fucking do with them but as a danger to their religion because my beliefs negate their beliefs which just sounds dangerous until you realize that I don't fucking care if somebody wants to believe in Grown-up Santa Claus who stuffs their stockings full of everlasting life. I guess The Paling is basically a bunch of militaristic atheists to Sinestro's dogmatic and well-established religion. I suppose, historically, Christians have a right to fear atheists due to what atheistic fascist dictators have done to them and other religious peoples. But then if we're talking historically, I think a lot of different groups have a lot of different arguments for why Christians should be feared as well. The most a Christian has to fear from me is maybe a cutting remark about their beliefs after which I'll scream "ZING!" right in their face as I dance around the room pumping my index fingers into the air.

And don't you Muslims think I'm against making cutting remarks against your religion either just because somebody might call me an Islamophobe! I've got some pretty good zingers for y'all too! Although I don't really think I have any zingers for Jews because they'd probably out do me and come up with a better zinger against themselves after which they'd probably dance around the room better than me too. I definitely wouldn't come at a Hindu because I've accepted many of their talismans and gods into my world. I do sometimes pray to Ganesha because if I'm going to act like a ridiculous fool, I might as well be speaking to a god who is also an elephant. Plus he totally removes all obstacles from your life if you simply ask him! Seriously, why is anybody praying to gods who are men when there are gods who are elephants out there?! So much more powerful!

At least somebody was worried about Warworld! Thank the goddess! Literally in this case!

Why is Wonder Woman protecting Earth's orbit? With Superman out of commission and Stormwatch having been forgotten and all the Green Lanterns in another universe, is she the last line of defense against invaders from space?! It just doesn't really seem like it should be her job. It would only be slightly weirder if Aquaman had shown up. Although I don't know why Aquaman didn't show up since Cullen Bunn is writing Aquaman and he loves to do crossovers of the characters he's writing.

The battle where Wonder Woman defeats the entire Sinestro Corps easily (and then tongue kisses Bekka because guys totally need to see women kiss on a fairly regular basis or else they become gay) will have to wait because the battle with the Pale Bishop is still happening on Earth. To help Black Adam shake off the power of apathy, Sinestro lends him a Yellow Ring. It's always exciting when a new character puts on a lantern ring, mostly to see how their costume changes. But this time it isn't too exciting because Black Adam already looks like a Yellow Lantern. The battle doesn't last long after Black Adam gets his ring because the Pale Bishop decides to move the story to another planet.

You should be quite confident having killed all of the other Guardians!

Sinestro points out that he can't follow the Pale Bishop because his ring doesn't have that capability. I mean, it probably does have that capability when it needs to have that capability depending on the story being told. But right now, it doesn't have that capability because Sinestro and Black Adam need to go to Warworld to encounter Wonder Woman so Sinestro says, "But Warworld has that capability!" Once back on Warworld, Sinestro explains to Wonder Woman in a respectful manner that his Lanterns are now protecting the universe because the Green Lanterns have disappeared. Wonder Woman doesn't say "Oh my goodness! What has become of my friend Hal Jordan?!" because she never really liked him and the way he treated Carol so shabbily. Instead she says, "Well you had better get to protecting because The Paling has arrived! I suppose I will remain to bump up your sales numbers and to also help protect Earth."

Sinestro #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. A lot of people have been fans of this book since it started but they were all wrong. This book has had a lot of problems and I'm not just discussing the problem where Cullen Bunn couldn't remember what sector New Koriander was located. The story was constantly interrupted by whatever new direction Bunn decided to go. Perhaps he was just extending The Paling story but it really felt like he would abandon it for ideas he'd rather pursue only to come back to it after abandoning those other ideas. I mean, is New Korugar still a thing or was that just to get rid of Parallax? What about the Aphid League? And then there was all the Twat Lobo nonsense. But with this issue and the previous (I'd also include the issue which introduced Nax), I feel like this book has found a voice and a personality and started working out a bit to tighten up some trouble areas. I'm slightly more attracted to this book for some reason! Maybe Cullen Bunn simply became less distracted when he realized he didn't care about Aquaman at all and he knew The Lost Army was a shit book based on one big idea. Or maybe Bunn just started taking Ritalin and has become hyper-focused on writing this book. He wouldn't want to burn every bridge at DC, would he?! Because if that happens, how will he cash the checks Marvel keeps giving him to ruin DC characters?!

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Sinestro #16

Black Adam has the most reflective leotard in the multiverse.

I feel bad for Cullen Bunn that people told him he isn't very good at writing comic books. Poor guy. I totally get where he's coming from because all it would take is one internet troll to tell me that I'm horrible at what I do to make me quit. But so far everybody loves me. The most common response I get is, "When will you be coming to the Con in [CITY WHERE READER LIVES] so I can give you a [TYPE OF JOB]." Maybe I'll go easy on Cullen Bunn since Sinestro is, at the most extreme, far end of least, the only DC comic book he's writing somewhat competently. I suppose I can give him some warm fuzzies this month rather than heaping scorn and ridicule on him because he was terrible at writing Aquaman. How dare people call him out on that?!

This issue begins with Sinestro discussing the citizens of the capital of Khandaq.

As everybody knows, only fear of punishment from a heavy handed authoritarian figure ever keeps heavily populated metropolises from devolving into violent chaos.

Sinestro is probably visiting Khandaq to get some pointers on fear working with hope from Black Adam. Sinestro won't admit to needing pointers so he'll probably pretend he's just visiting to find out where Black Adam buys his cool black and yellow boots. Sinestro really could take a lesson from Black Adam about making a yellow and black wardrobe work. Black Adam looks cool while Sinestro looks like he should be scrubbing toilets at a five star hotel in Pittsburgh.

Sinestro wants information about The Paling because he's looking to hunt down their leader and scare the life out of him. Apparently The Paling visited Khandaq many centuries ago. If I were Sinestro, I would have asked Lyssa what I learned when I would later visit Black Adam. Then once she told me, I would not go visit Black Adam. Is that possible? Or in that case, would Lyssa tell me she doesn't know because I will never visit Black Adam. Which would mean I'd have to go visit Black Adam. Which would mean Lyssa should have seen what I learned while visiting Black Adam and then I wouldn't have had to go! Stupid Book of Parallax is useless.

Black Adam agrees to show Sinestro the secret histories which recount The Paling's visit and defeat. Of course Lyssa wants to see the histories too because she fears not knowing all the stories. But Sinestro tells her that Twat Lobo's semen might ruin the pages so she'll have to keep her ass back on Warworld. The other Sinestro members also head back to Warworld leaving Sinestro to piss off Black Adam all by himself.

All the records of all the battles of Khandaq are stored in tombs deep in the desert. Black Adam leads Sinestro to the tomb which houses the memories and histories of the time The Paling attacked Earth and Black Adam defeated them.

Sinestro's neck is freaking me out.

The tomb is guarded by living mummies who refuse to obey Black Adam's commands to stand down. So Sinestro and Black Adam have to kill a whole bunch of mummies on their way to the tomb of the Bishop of The Paling whom Black Adam killed thousands of years ago.

So what? You killed all of the others and they weren't already mostly dead.

Sinestro #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Overall, this issue was nicely put together. It feels like a chapter in a comic book that had been leading up to Sinestro coming to Earth after following a trail of clues about The Paling. Of course it didn't follow any of that at all! Instead it was all that Warworld and Twat Lobo bullshit over the last bunch of issues. If I hadn't been following any of Sinestro's New 52 exploits and this were the first issue I picked up on a spinner rack, I'd definitely pick up the next issue based on this. So judging this issue on its own merits, I enjoyed it. Sure, Sinestro lucks into finding The Pale Bishop who he had no reason to believe wasn't in contact with The Paling for the last two or three thousand years because he was in a tomb on Earth. And while it's surprising that The Pale Bishop was a Guardian (even though trying to make the Universe without emotion is a typical dick Guardian move), Sinestro shouldn't act so shocked since he pretty much recently committed genocide against the little blue bastards. What's one more?! But nothing in this wasn't anything I wouldn't expect from even the best comic books. The plot worked. The dialogue was much better than previous issues. The Narration Boxes were limited to the setup and the surprise ending. So warm fuzzies all around. If this book continues to actually tell a story about Sinestro and not about Twat Lobo, I'll be happy not to whinge on about it.

Forever Evil #5

Fuck you, Finch. Your Forever Evil covers are either bland or badly drawn. Sometimes both!

Sinestro appeared at the end of last issue to do something or other. I think he was hungry for some Deep Dish Pizza, Metropolis Style as opposed to Chicago Style because fuck Chicago! They hate masks, do they? Well why would a mask go drop twenty tourism bucks in your town if you don't want him there? What, is masked money no good? Anyway, Sinestro didn't find his pizza. He found Power Ring battling Temp Sinestro Corps Member, Batman! Also in the room? All those fuckers on the cover of this issue. And now, on with the story!

As this story begins, Sinestro has chased Power Ring into the sewers of Metropolis. I don't know how they got there. They dropped down the hole in the floor created by Luthor and Pals? I'm not sure why Sinestro is after him. It's hard to figure out Sinestro's motivations. Is he doing something selfless or selfish this time? Is he fighting for justice or simply for order at any price? Is he just trying to make Hal Jordan look bad or make Hal Jordan look bad? I think I know why Power Ring is fleeing from Sinestro though. Because Power Ring is a coward and his ring is quickly running out of charge.

The rest of the Secret Society of Super-Villains remain to battle Luthor and Pals with Special Guest Members Batman and Catwoman. This is probably the part where I'd scan a picture of the fight but, like usual, David Finch has graced us with a two page splash that doesn't fit in my rectum. I mean scanner!

I just realized I had a little more fuck you in me for David Finch! Why the fuck isn't Captain Cold on the cover, you dick?! He's the best member (after Bizarro!) of Luthor and Pals!

Why the fuck is Deathstroke making an Alice in Wonderland reference? He seems more of a quote Rocky III kind of guy.

Naturally, Catwoman takes on Deathstroke. I can't think of a better match-up! I mean, maybe Batman would be a better match against Deathstroke but he's busy bickering with Lex Luthor, so he doesn't have time to throw Bat-punches. The next match-up is Giganta versus Catwoman. Wait. That can't be right. Did Catwoman already defeat Deathstroke?!

If I were the fictional character of Catwoman, I would get super pissed every time somebody made me say "What's the matter? The cat got your tongue?"

Let's see...I think the next match-up will be Blockbuster versus Catwoman! No, I'm wrong! It's actually Shadow Thief versus Captain Cold. And the winner of that battle is Black Manta!

Batman battles Copperhead while Deathstroke takes on Lex Luthor. Deathstroke should have quit the Secret Society of Super-Villains months ago. He keeps getting his ass beat and he's not making any money because he's yet to make a single head roll. I don't know why the fuck he'd have joined up with this fucking crew when he's wealthy beyond belief and he doesn't work well on a team. The last team he had back in Deathstork Deathstroke #ReallyEarlyIssue, he killed them all! This is one of those big universe wide crossovers where they just needed a bad-ass killer so they decided to forget about Slade's personal motivations and throw him in the mix anyway. If they just have him mention how he's getting paid, it's enough of a reason to have him in the group! But I'm not buying it! I won't be fooled by this bullshit! And Deathstroke shouldn't either! His reputation is going to take a huge hit after the Crime Syndicate is defeated and everybody notices that Deathstroke got his ass handed to him no fewer than twelve times.

Fuck this. Fuck you! Fuck Johns! Fuck Finch! Fuck Liefeld! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Slade is supposed to be super smart! He would have thought through all of the ramifications of siding with the Crime Syndicate. And, you know, he never would have done it anyway! What the fuck did I just get through saying?

So it takes Luthor's big brain to convince Slade to turn on the Crime Syndicate? Whatever. Toss my fucking salad, Johns.

Meanwhile in the sewers, Sinestro cuts off Power Ring's arm. The big veiny arm. The one with the ring on it. And the ring decides to cut its losses and go find a new host while Harold goes up in yellow flames. At least he was finally happy and free of that despotic ring. But who will the ring use as its host now? Who is the most cowardly person in The New 52?! My gut tells me it'll be a Batman villain. Maybe Scarface's master, Arnold Wesker (the non-telekinetic Ventriloquist who has only been seen in Finch's early issues of The Dark Knight)?

Back to the main bout, Copperhead gets his head blown off by Deathstroke and the last antagonist standing, Blockbuster, is knocked out by Bizarro. Now it's probably time for Batman to chastise everybody and act self-righteous because he wouldn't have resorted to guns or killing like these other barbarians always do. Except it isn't Batman that does the chastising. It's Sinestro!

Smart move, Luthor! Give up the leadership position just in case things go wrong!

Batman tries to demand to be leader but I don't think these guys see Batman in the same way that Batman sees Batman. Why would they need a powerless goody-two-shoes bitch when they've got a genius and a magic superman and an assassin and a ring wielder and another Superman but this one like a child? Batman seems a bit superfluous in this group. I mean, in their eyes! We all understand why they need Batman to lead! Because he's the Goddamned Batman and nobody is better at everything than he is!

Back at the Batcave, the top three members of the Crime Syndicate are having a little chat about Kryptonite and Waynes. Their discussion is interrupted by Grid who mentions something has appeared over Maine in response to Power Ring's ring's call for a new host. Maybe Brainiac? Or somebody from Apokolips? Whatever it is, it has Ultraman and the rest a bit worried. I hope it's not Mongul and his shitty Warworld.

It's not. It's just a big red tear that needed another double splash page to express its extra large dimensions. So Power Ring's ring is still off looking for a host and will probably find one on Earth. Maybe it'll even find one in one of the spin-off mini-series. Ultraman points out that the big red tear in the sky is because the creature that destroyed their world has now found New Earth. I thought that was probably Darkseid but maybe not. Or maybe so. One of those.

Forever Evil #5 Rating: -4 Ranking for the portrayal of Deathstroke. I didn't like the way he was being used up until this point but to have him switch sides because of a brief argument by Lex that Slade should have already thought of himself was the camel that broke its own back.

Justice League #26

I hope we get Power Ring's origin story this issue! I want to see the Moth Monk Volthoom!

I've just been singing, to the tune of "Brand New Key," "I've got a great big bag of candy, you've got a bag of poo."

It looks like this issue takes place immediately after Forever Evil #4 when Sinestro decided to crash the party. You can't see Batman and Catwoman here but they're around someplace. Unless Batman got what he needed and has already Mother Boxed the fuck out of here.

Instead of getting Power Ring's origin, we get a brief synopsis of Grid's origin. It's just as boring as you'd expect an origin about a robot would be. He was like a spark or something and then he wanted to be a real boy and then he learned he wasn't and never could be and now he's angry. The end!

It turns out Grid has been downloading files about the Crime Syndicate via the mobile servers in Owlman's outfit. He's already learned about Ultraman and Owlman's origins (the last two issues!) and now he hopes to learn more about another being! Oh boy! I hope it's Power Ring! Please let it be Power Ring. He's got to be on the cover for some reason, right? And he's the most connected to feelings!

At first I thought the "sktch sktch sktch" sound effects were Jordan masturbating.

Yay! Power Ring! And it looks like he's being tapped to bomb the shit out of Nanda Parbat for Boston Brand. Which means he'll probably crash there and be taken in by the Moth Monk Volthoom who will trick him into wearing the cursed ring in retaliation for bombing Volthoom's country. Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Yep, yep. It's the "or something." Harold Jordan has been spying on Ferris and selling their secrets. He's about to get his ass kicked by Carol's dad when the Ring chooses him because he's the easiest being on the planet to control and the biggest sucker to boot.

Um, no. I think I'll pass. Thanks for the opportunity though, melty alien dude!

Jordan can't resist the ring for long and allows it to graft itself to his finger. Then it insists that he charge it which consists of opening a pocket dimension with a Lovecraftian beast that fucks Jordan's arm until the ring is fully charged. The creature is probably what moths actually look like but we can only see a limited amount of them due to our being stuck in the third dimension. That's probably why moths look, to us, as if they're fluttering around chaotically. We can only see a small aspect of them. If we could see in the number of dimensions that moths exist within, their movement would make sense and we would become gibbering sacks of tears and moans, covered in our newly released fecal matter. Fucking moths.

Grid decides that story didn't give him a chubby, so he moves on to learn the origin of Johnny Quick and Atomica.

Even on Earth 3, all interactions with Speedsters result in speed-related puns! Except they're not called "puns" on Earth 3. They're called "witticisms."

Atomica saves Johnny from these rogue cops by smashing a truck into the police van. I bet Johnny will kill and then urinate on them. And while he's urinating on them, he'll be struck by lightning resulting in Speed Force Powers! Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Once again, it's the "or something." The struck by lightning part is still the same but no urination. And it happens atop STAR Labs so they both get different powers due to being affected by different STAR Labs experiments. But they still love each other and Grid somehow begins to believe that love is important and that maybe he can learn it. No, no. Grid, it's not important at all. It's really just a time sink! You won't be able to work on any of your World Destroying Projects once you get in a relationship. And you can't be completely honest anymore! You have to hide the horrible, awful, disgusting person you really are or else the person you love will throw up and leave you!

The next to last Crime Syndicate member Grid needs to learn about is Professor Martin Stein, Deathstorm.

So Stein was working for The Hostage, was he? I still think it's Lex Luthor since he's trying to save the world.

Stein eventually merges himself with a corpse because that somehow seemed like a good idea. So that's where the "death" part of his name comes from. But why the "storm" part? Because he rains down death upon the living?

Superwoman's files were deleted so we don't get to learn how Lois Lane became Superwoman. My guess (and you've seen how good my guesses have been so far!) is that she gained her powers by a steady diet of Kryptonian Semen. That's probably right on. No need to find those lost files, Grid!

Meanwhile, somebody says "Soon." to The Hostage and he smiles through his sack. And over in STAR Labs, Silas Stone has somehow performed a second miracle in his short life! Although it's the same miracle where he saved his son from certain death. But I think the second miracle took better than the first one because his son seems far more optimistic this time.

I wonder if Cyborg will request a horse penis since his father has to totally rebuild him anyway.

Justice League #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. That's one ranking for every origin. Johnny Quick and Atomica's origin counts as one! And I didn't count Grid's because he's a robot and I'm against all forms of Artificial Intelligence. If God had wanted robots to think, he would have given them that ability when he created the world. Also, he would have created robots.

Forever Evil #3

Bizarro's costume sure looks a lot fancier than the inside out shirt he put on last issue.

At the end of last issue, Batman and Catwoman appeared at STAR Labs with a gigantic hunk of meat and shrapnel that they had named Victor Stone for some reason. They believe Doctor Stone can infuse their hunk of meat with life because obviously scientists are miracle workers. And I don't mean they teach language skills to kids that can't hear or see! Although they might. They're probably constantly working on machines and software and programs that help people make their way every day in this harsh and unforgiving world. I wouldn't compare it to all the praying that religious people do to help the disenfranchised, the meek, and the poor, but scientists are trying! It's a lot harder when you don't have an omnipotent being to push around and do all of the work for you.

Batman explains what happened in-between the final issue of Trinity War and the first issue of Forever Evil. While he and Catwoman hid behind some rubble to do whatever those two perverts were going to do, the rest of the team were sucked into the living embodiment of Slash Fiction: Firestorm.

So the Firestorm Matrix is The Cube everybody is imprisoned in?

Even in The Red Room at STAR Labs, a television constantly plays news against the backdrop of life. And that's where Batman learns that Nightwing has been captured and that The Crime Syndicate has revealed that his secret identity is Richard Grayson. Batman immediately shits his pants and says, "Um, Doc, we gotsta go!"

Meanwhile Victor Stone is tapping out "Kill me" on the metal table in Morse Code with the end of his spine.

Luckily everybody in the DC Universe is too stupid to figure out that Bruce Wayne is The Batman, so revealing that Nightwing is Dick Grayson isn't really going to be the clue that breaks the camel's back. But even still, Batman needs to go put out this fire as fast as possible. So it's "Good luck with your son, Doctor Stone but adios motherfucker!"

Back in Metropolis, the best buddy movie ever is underway.

The new Bizarro is either childlike or gay. I've got my fingers crossed for both.

While Lex Luthor hooks up his Bizarrovision Satellite, Ultraman smashes Black Adam's jaw and knocks a bunch of teeth out. Out of every violent action depicted in comic books, I think artists go too quickly to teeth coming out. They do know that gums don't merely scab over and new teeth come in, do they? Black Adam is going to need some serious dental work after this and who is going to perform that surgery? Who can?! He's invulnerable. I suppose he can go to Zatanna's Esuoh fo Yrtsitned for a quick touch up. I guess Superman can always get his degree as a dentist in ten minutes and then use his super eyes and super breath and super sticky semen to fix up Black Adam's mouth. Or maybe Black Adam can just look like a hockey player for the rest The New 52's lifetime.

Back in Central City, Deathstorm and Power Ring bully the Rogues because the Rogues aren't destroying Central City which the Crime Syndicate asked them, nicely, to do. Although most of the city looks like it's already on fire after Grodd's invasion so I think Deathstorm and Power Ring simply want to pick a fight. Deathstorm manages to rewrite Captain Cold's DNA so he loses his ice powers. He also fucks up the rest of the Rogue's powers so that Mirror Master and the others become trapped in the Mirror World. Captain Cold heads off to make a new Cold Gun while Lex Luthor and Bizarro wander into town. And Black Manta appears out of the river dragging Black Adam behind him. No wonder it's called Central City! All plot lines lead here!

Sheesh. I thought I sucked at DC Geography but I think I might have a better handle on it than Geoff Johns.

Forever Evil #3 Rating: No change. Lex Luthor and his mini-Legion of Doom are Earth's last, best hope! Except for Batman. He's the bestest, lastest hope. Maybe they'll team up after they fight for a few pages next issue. How could they lose with the smartest and the second smartest man working on the same team? I don't know who the third smartest person on this Earth is now that Mister Terrific is gone. Probably Dr. Veritas. But only when she's not being written by Scott Lobdell.

Justice League #24

Power Ring, that's disgusting.

Since the Justice League is currently dead (or trapped in a Cube (or transporting Victor Stone to the S.T.A.R. Labs Emergency Room)), I have no idea what this issue is going to be about! Is the Justice League going to be on hiatus for a few months while Forever Evil happens? I forget how these crossovers work when a company publishes a mini-series in which everybody is enmeshed. What happens in their regular monthly title?!

Apparently flashbacks! This issue begins twenty five years ago on Krypton Three. The Kryptonians of Krypton Three are huge fucking assholes that nobody would want to be around for any length of time. Although I still like them better than Lobdell's Kryptonians.

I think this might be the origin story from Superman Returns.

Jor-il has recorded a message for baby Ultraman to listen to as he rockets to Earth. It's composed of the most useful tips a young baby will need to grow into a strong and robust young man. First off, he must snort Krytponite to grow healthy and strong. Second, he must stay out of the sun because it causes wrinkles and melanomas. Third, Earth women are whores. And that seems to about cover it! Good luck, baby Kal-il! Hopefully you'll be found by a pair of incestuous serial killer siblings named Bro Kent and Sis Kent! They'll raise you to pillage, rape, murder, and stay out of the sun so you can become a strapping young lad who will probably repay them by burning them alive while they sleep.

Close enough. On Earth Three, this is an ideal, loving relationship. It's just beautiful.

Ultraman adopts these two as his parents (by adopts, I mean forces them into subservience) until he reaches the age of seven when he burns down the farm. Unluckily for my ability to guess the plot of every comic I read, Ultraman kills them and buries them in the cornfield before he burns down the farm. Dammit.

Eventually Ultraman and the Crime Syndicate ruled the Earth until Darkseid came along and shoved an Omega Dildo up its ass. The Earth was destroyed and the Crime Syndicate had nobody left to push around. They needed to find a new Earth. Which is what they did last issue! Weren't you paying attention?

While the other members of the Crime Syndicate involve themselves in other offshoots of the Forever Evil story, Ultraman searches for Kryptonite and prepares to deal with Black Adam.

Also, The Doom Patrol's first appearance!

Ultraman points out to the readers as he narrates the story that the difference between Earth Three and Earth Prime (I know, I know. The old standard (and possibly current one too) is that Earth Prime was the real, actual Earth. But fuck that shit since Earth 1 is prestige format elseworld tales and Earth 2 is the Justice Society, I'm going with Earth Prime. Because I don't want to call the standard New 52 "Earth Zero") is that Earth Three is strong and Earth Prime is weak. It's not about good and evil or opposite time or flip floppitudiness. Although I think he's mistaking "being an asshole" with "having strength of character." I realize a lot of people have this misconception here on Earth Super Prime! Anybody who sees kindness as weakness is just an asshole. Anybody who ever quotes that stupid fucking saying about being liberal when you're young gives you a heart and being conservative when you're old gives you a brain is a dirty douchebag fucknard that I don't want to have anything to do with. Stop quoting platitudes that make your selfishness seem intelligent. If you want to be a selfish prick, just be one. Embrace it. I don't understand why assholes feel the need to appear to be something they're not! If you're not proud of who you are, stop being that fucking person, idiot.

For some reason, the Crime Syndicate members are still attached to the dopplegangers on Earth Prime of people they once knew. So Owlman can't kill Nightwing and actually needs to speak with him. Ultraman heads to the Daily Planet to see how his pal Jimmy Olsen turned out on this world. For a bunch of assholes, they sure are sentimental.

Maybe sentimental is the wrong word. I think I meant "rapey."

Luckily for Lois, Superman just wants to tear her arms and legs off. So at least she won't have to deal with the trauma of being raped. Because she'll cease to exist! Too bad Jimmy Olsen didn't have that luxury. No more casual viewings of Prince of Tides for him! But even luckier for Lois, Black Adam arrives to answer Jimmy Olsen's Superman Signalling Device! For some reason. Perhaps he just zipped by to shut off the shrill noise and decided he'd kill Ultraman while he was visiting. Although Black Adam doesn't find it so easy. Ultraman is just happy to have a challenge. I don't know why all of these villains love challenges! If I were a Super Villain, I'd want all of my conquests to be simple! Or else why bother becoming a Super Villain? Why not just work hard to prove yourself at the day to day challenges of real life in a capitalist culture that expects a can-do, work hard attitude for at least 60-80 hours per week?! Now that's a challenge!

Justice League #24 Rating: No change. I wouldn't wipe King Beauregard's ass with it.

Black Adam #1

Totally makes sense that Black Adam takes over Justice League of America. If we were on Earth 7!

The top five selling DC Comic books in August all had one of two things in common: Batman and Superman. Which tells me something nobody else needed to have told to them: comic book fans aren't interested in interesting or well-told stories. They're only interested in their favorite characters. But how do you get fans interested in other characters when they're spending all of their Comic Book money on all of the Batman and Superman titles flooding the stands? Oh, that's right. You don't. You just keep publishing comic books without Batman and Superman just to watch them slowly fail as comic book stores order less and less copies every month because they're not all selling which means less copies on the shelves for new fans to find which means the comic quickly begins circling the drain. I'm just a stupid fan of comic books that tell entertaining stories (like books not written by Ann Nocenti), so I don't know how to fix the problem so that book sales reflect quality. Perhaps it would help if comic book reviewing sites were honest about the quality of every comic instead of trying to get free advertising by being quoted by the comic book company for the trade paperback advertisements. Every comic book reviewing site that had an "It fucking rocks!" blurb associated with The Red Hood and the Outlaws collected trades should be labeled. I just have to determine what the labels say!

"We Will Suck DC's Cock for Page Views!"
"Shittiest Review Site on the Web Web Ring Member!"
"We Tongue Kiss Our Mothers With Mouths That Praised Red Hood and the Outlaws!"
"Sometimes Our Local Comic Book Shop Puts Dog Turds in Our Pull Boxes and We Don't Even Notice!"
"We Write Ambiguous Reviews That Fool Consumers Just to Get Free Advertising!"
"We Are Truly, Truly Sorry That You Can't Trust Anything We Say."

Maybe review sites don't help sales anyway. I'm not saying that I'm a review site but I do know I sang the praises of Demon Knights for pretty much its entire run and it didn't fucking help. And now All Star Western is nearly at the bottom of the sales charts. And The Movement is barely higher than Katana. Are you fucking kidding me?! If there's any proof that sales aren't linked to quality, it's that. Katana is the worst written comic currently in The New 52. And The Movement is exciting and full of interesting characters. But they're selling equally as well. It's all just so depressing. Why did I ever get back into reading comic books? The fans are a bunch of illiterate heathen Batman groupies!

Maybe DC could license Wolverine and they could have him star in comic books with low sales and grab up all the Wolverine groupie money! Holy shit! That would be a bonanza! Get your lawyers on that, DC!

Anyway, on to Black Adam, the greatest comic book you'll read this year! If you haven't been reading Geoff Johns Shazam, you've been missing out on the greatest serialized story since Tristram Shandy! Or maybe something by Dickens like Bleak House. Was that one serialized? Probably. It's so fucking long! I'm fairly confident the art in this comic book will blow your mind! I haven't actually looked at it yet but when DC uses my quote, they can just ellipses off the beginning of that last sentence!

Here's another blurb for the Villains Month Omnibus: "The art and story combined create bodily juices you never knew you could secrete! Although why the editor's didn't notice that Kahndaq is spelled wrong, I don't know. Perhaps they were distracted by their new bodily fluids!"

Kahndaq has this legend, see? About this superman? With a lightning bolt on his chest? Have you ever noticed how many seemingly literate and competent people type "lightening" when they mean "lightning?" They should stop doing that. I don't even consider it a typo. It's just plain ignorance. Man, I wish I had the guts to have typed "plane ignorance" there and leave it. But then I'd be the only one to get the joke and everybody would simply go straight to the comments section to correct me and point out what a fucking hypocritical moron I am. But I just don't have the strength of character to pull off a joke like that without feeling judged by everybody on the internet. How come everybody on the internet is so judgmental? Am I the only earnest, sweet, lovable, kind person left on the internet?

Speaking of earnest, sweet, lovable, kind people, Black Adam is not one of them. He is the mythical champion of Kahndaq but he's also a vicious bastard. But he's only an asshole to people that would harm Kahndaq. And to Shazam, of course! But Black Adam was turned into a pile of ashes when Billy Batson tricked him into returning to his mortal form that couldn't keep its shit together being that it was thousands of years old. But he might not be completely dead because he's on the cover of this issue! A terrorist group has an ancient scroll and they're ready to figure out what it says because it's probably a spell to bring back Black Adam. And by terrorist group, I mean oppressed people in trouble with the law who are just trying to make their way the only way they know how.

Every ancient scroll either comes from The Book of the Dead or the Necronomicon, depending on if the author is going for realism or complete insanity. Since this spell is about resurrection, I would have chosen the Necronomicon. Or the Necronomicomicon.

In the comic book world, nothing happens in secret. Somebody always knows something no matter how super secret something is supposed to be. And the Sons of Adam know that Shazam turned Black Adam to dust and that he collected the ashes and that he dumped the ashes in Kahndaq. And now they're at that exact location to cast the spell. I suppose the Sons of Adam have an ever-present news broadcast running in the background of their headquarters so they can keep up with everything that happens no matter how many people weren't there to see it. If people know that Shazam turned Black Adam to dust then they know that Billy Batson is Shazam since he was Billy Batson when he convinced Black Adam to say "Shazam" and transform into skin and bones (mostly bones. Very brittle bones).

If I want to be less cynical, I suppose if I were living in a country that believed in a great mythical champion with a lightning bolt on his chest and I saw a superhuman with a lightning bolt on his chest smash an urn full of ashes over Kahndaq, I might begin suggesting it has something to do with Black Adam. But that's only if I wanted to be less cynical. And I don't really want to be since I'm still pissed off that Task Force X is a super secret government organization that everybody fucking knows about.

Anyhow, it doesn't matter what kind of vitriolic pablum I spew onto the internet in a narcissistic need to make my ridiculous opinions known (which I'm not very good at anyway because who can tell when I'm serious or when I'm just making a joke? Maybe I need two blogs!). Black Adam is resurrected and all is now right with the world.

I think what I meant to say was "Black Adam is resurrected and all is now right with Black Adam."

Black Adam overthrows the current leader of Kahndaq and declares the people free. He shall protect and watch over them. But doesn't he feel the need to get vengeance on Billy Batson? What happened to his passionate hatred for Shazam? I suppose he'd rather just forget about that unfortunate incident in his life. Why would he want to repeat that encounter and get his ass kicked all over again, right?

And that's when Black Adam reads a message that appears on a tablet nearby that says, "This World is Ours." He completely flips the fuck out. Calm down, asshole. How do you know the tablet's owner hadn't just been playing a video game before you crushed him with a statue? Why am I always questioning comic book characters on their actions? They obviously have better instincts than I do because they always jump to the right conclusion and very rarely waste any time.

Black Adam #1 Rating: Aren't you all just loving the Reboot? The longer it goes, the more things return to the old universe! Here go again with Black Adam protecting Kahndaq! Just like it was before The New 52. My guess is everything will be absolutely back to how it was three years ago in five years time. But DC will have probably made more money than they would have otherwise and everybody else will just feel like nearly a decade of stories were lost as everything needed to be retold to get to where everything was when it was thrown away. Other than that, it wasn't too bad!

Black Adam! (as seen in Justice League)

Alter Ego: Teth-Adam
Occupation: Would-be conqueror
Marital Status: Presumed single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Ancient Egypt, later mobile
First Appearance: MARVEL FAMILY #1, (current version) SHAZAM: THE NEW BEGINNING #1
Height: 6' Weight: 198 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Black

HISTORY
The wizard Shazam (see Shazam) was, in his prime, a great champion of justice who helped the people of ancient Egypt in their rise to civlilization. Around 3000 B.C. Shazam sought to create a new champion to carry on in Egypt in his place.

The wizard chose an Egyptian named Teth-Adam, whom he correcly believed to be a good man. Shazam mystically endowed Teth-Adam with powers possessed by six Egyptian gods. Hence, upon speaking Shazam's name, Teth-Adam was transformed by a bolt of mystic lightning into a superhuman costumed being, whom Shazam named "Mighty Adam."

Mighty Adam possessed the extraordinary stamina of the god Shu, the great swiftness of Heru, the vast strength of Amon, the wisdom of Zehuti, the superhuman power of Aton, and the courage of Mehen.

Shazam commanded Mighty Adam to serve the first pharaoh of Egypt, Menes, who had been trained by Shazam himself, and to battle evil throughout the world. Then Shazam departed, intending never to return.

For a time Mighty Adam served the pharaoh well, and acted as the protector of ancient Egypt. He even helped in building one of the first pyramids. But it was while Adam stood atop that pyramid that he began to contemplate becoming the ruler of Egypt himself.

Later, Adam killed Menes and declared himself pharaoh, launching his tyrannical rule of Egypt. Shazam returned but was unable to kill Adam. Instead, at the cost of great physical strain to himself, Shazam cast a mighty spell that banished Adam into hyperspace. Shazam intended that Adam would be trapped there for eternity. Adam was now known as Khem-Adam, which is translated into English as "Black Adam."

Recently, knowing that Black Adam would soon be freed, Shazam transformed the teenage Billy Batson into super-powered Captain Marvel to battle him (see Captain Marvel).

Soon afterwards, the scientist Dr. Thaddeus Bodog Sivana (see Sivana) used his advanced technology to bring Black Adam to Earth. Black Adam attempted to dominate the world but clashed with Captain Marvel, who succeeded in trapping him in hyperspace once more.

POWERS & WEAPONS
On saying the name "Shazam," Teth-Adam was transformed by an enchanted bolt of lightning into a superhuman being with the powers of six Egyptian gods, including super-strength, virtual invulnerability, super-speed, and the ability to fly. If Black Adam says "Shazam" again, another bolt of mystic lightning will return him to his original human form.

Justice League #21

His form on that Sleeper Hold is all wrong.

I guess it doesn't matter what the Justice League was up to last month since they're being preempted by Shazam. But what was he up to last month? Oh yeah! Getting killed by Black Adam!

Since this main story is usually the back-up feature and I usually keep my comments short on the back-up feature, I guess I'll keep this commentary really short!

First off, the Seven Deadly Sins are running rampant in Philadelphia. So what else is new?

The green guy must be lust because he has so many hands with which to masturbate.

How come only one of the Seven Deadly Sins is female? Gluttony is probably female as well. Lust might be female although it looks like Lust has a mustache. It's an interesting take on Lust to show him in a straight jacket as opposed to sucking off eighteen of his own twenty dicks. He's only sucking eighteen of them because the other two are penetrating two of his five vaginas. I'm pretty sure that's the classic way of illustrating Lust.

The Seven Deadly Sins are off to find the Bryer brother's father because they've been sent to find the most rotten soul in Philadelphia. And since that person needs to be somebody we already saw earlier in the story (okay, okay. It doesn't NEED to be but we all know how stories work, right?!), it's probably that dickbag. They leave Doctor Sivana behind, bloated and gassy from consuming too much magic.

Much more quickly than I expected (like the next page practically!), The Seven Deadly Sins enter into Bryer through his seven orifices and he becomes a monstrous, flaming devil with a pentagram burned onto his chest. I guess now he's going to trash the city by stealing, raping, beating, eating, and envying everything really, really slowly. And he'll be damn proud about his job!

Black Adam threatens to kill Freddy if Shazam doesn't release his power to Black Adam much the way Black Adam's nephew many, many years ago shared his power with Adam. It's the only way Shazam can save his family. Or is it? Being that he can share his power, seems pretty obvious what's going to happen next.

Oh! I thought he was going to just give up his power and go home.

Next up is the big fight scene where Pedro learns he can magically grow a beard and Mary learns she might need a bigger bra and Eugene learns the secret language of machines and Freddie learns he's Thor and Darla learns she has ADHD (unless she already knew that). I think that's everything they learn before Mary and Billy punch Black Adam into a probably famous Philadelphia landmark that I don't recognize.

Now that Billy has all of this firepower at his side, he tells them to go away while he takes care of Black Adam all by himself. The others decide to help evacuate everybody from the path of Mr. Bryer. But Mary decides to fight Bryer because she's the second most important Shazam there is!

Billy's fight with Black Adam leads them to the zoo because Tawny the Tiger needs a dose of Shazamamillin too.

I'm a bit disappointed that on the following page, Black Adam is merely being attacked by a gigantic, sparking tiger instead of a goofy cartoon cereal mascot with a cape.

Billy seems to have fucked up his spells after blasting Tawny and the entire Marvel Family begins to feel weaker. I knew his spell should have turned Tawny into a cartoon tiger! Now everybody is going to lose their powers and Bryer is going to raze Philadelphia and the rest of the world isn't even going to fucking notice a difference.

Billy realizes he can't beat Black Adam because Billy is too new to the magic game while Black Adam is a total dick. I don't know. Those two things seemed comparative enough for that sentence when I began it. Billy says the magic word and returns to his normal, childlike self just as, further off in the city, his brothers and sisters change back too. He then challenges Black Adam to a fair fight. In Billy's case, it doesn't bother me because what the fuck advantage does Billy have one way or the other. But usually when someone accuses somebody else of not fighting fair, it usually means that they want the fight to be unfair in their advantage. Nobody wants a level playing field. You're supposed to use every advantage you have. So when someone says, "Fight fair," what they're really saying is "Get rid of your advantage so that I can have the advantage!" Black Adam is almost smart enough to not fall for it but he's just too arrogant. Who wouldn't believe they can kick a young boy's ass even without magic? I'm pretty certain I could! Black Adam sees no way Billy could have the advantage in a "fair fight" so he says SHAZAM and reverts to normal.

Apparently Billy's winning advantage was youth.

Billy changes back and The Seven Deadly Sins are free to go on their own way now that Black Adam is dead and dusted. And everybody lives happily ever after because the school was destroyed in the fight. Everybody except Doctor Sivana who seems disappointed but I'm sure he'll get over it when he realizes he can become a super magical mad scientist and find a best friend in a worm.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's Believe It or Not!: I wrote the last sentence of the previous paragraph before reading this page. I didn't even think they'd introduce Mr. Mind in this story.

Justice League #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. It didn't have any Justice League in it but it was a good ending to the Shazam story. Especially the part about Shazam screwing up the spell on Tawny because that means to get the spell right, Tawny has to turn into a silly anthropomorphic talking tiger! So that's something to look forward to if you're a fan of whimsical shit in comic books. Where else does whimsical shit go best? Keith Giffen agrees with me: "Actually, do we really need another dire, depressing, grim comic book in a market already saturated with the like? C'mon. Lighten up. These books are supposed to be fun." That was about Larfleeze but it's what I keep saying! Let's have more silly, fun shit! Comic book reviewers need to stop wishing for "serious" and "edgy" and "arty" in their fucking comic books. All that gets you is dead superheroes. Let's all take a step away from the ledge and enjoy this shit. There are other ways to prove you are intelligent than by panning humorous stories because they didn't engage your super smart mental acumens and shits.

Anyway, Happy Shazam Is Over Day!

Justice League #11

Insert your own Goddamned joke here.

I've got 21 comic books to read before I'm completely caught up so I don't have time to be funny! I'm going to plow through the last of these issues so that I can take my time with the new arrivals each week after that. Plus I'll be able to read something other than comic books. And maybe attend to my business so it doesn't go under. And possibly play a little more Call of Duty. And mostly just sit around in the backyard napping.

Last issue, The Justice League had just been defeated by an author dying of cancer. Sure, maybe he had a few super powers and he'd done a little research but he was still a writer. Near death. Against Batman! And Superman! And Wonder Woman! And Cyborg! And The Flash! And Green Lantern! And Aqu...well, did I mention Batman?!

The author David Graves main power is The Tear-Jerker.

While the rest of the Justice League are overcome by sad thoughts, Batman fights through it. Hell, the death of his parents might be sad but only when Batman finds the sadness appropriate. Showing Batman his parents being murdered while Batman is in Kick-Your-Ass Mode is just going to fuel his need to be even more kickier.

For some reason, Graves teleports back to where he's keeping Steve Trevor: Trevor's sister's house. He only had the entire Justice League paralyzed by sadness and then he leaves them to recover. I'm guessing that his contract calls for a minimum 100,000 words or so. This was just the Prologue. Or the Prelude, maybe. Perhaps a simple Forward.

Really, The Flash? Because Batman has been so forthcoming up to this point.

Graves torments Steve's sister a bit while the ghosts of Graves' family sit with him. He mentions that his son was ravaged with disease at the end and didn't recognize him. And later, Superman mentions that they saved Graves and his family. So it looks like some form of cancer killed off Graves' wife and children and is now taking Graves. He blames the Justice League so he must blame them for his cancer.

I haven't called out DC's editors in a while. I missed the typo in Legion of Superheroes #11 in Damsel Girl's introduction box because I've stopped reading those boxes a long time ago. I ignored a typo in another comic's Last Issue box. So I'll throw this one out there and remind everyone: DC's Editors have the easiest job in the world because they don't fucking do it!

Wonder Woman gets all Amazony on everyone and declares she's going to go cut this asshole's head off. But Batman stops her and tells her that they don't cut people's heads off. Speak for yourself, Batman! Or was that a hint to her that cutting off heads would go too far but maybe, you know, breaking some guy's neck would be okay. Wink wink.

Then Green Lantern tries to stop her.

No wonder Sinestro is so condescending to Hal Jordan. Jordan fucking sucks. So he earned the ring for his great Willpower. And yet, every other Justice League Member can break his constructs! Abin Sur fucked up! Should have been Guy Gardner all along.

Wonder Woman next disparages Green Lantern's sexual abilities and slices him in the chest with her phallus. Superman tries to stop her and gets kicked six blocks away. Xena Wonder Woman can't be stopped!

It's as if Jim Lee were a shitty director and he hired the worst extras imaginable. "Look like you're looking at the big video monitor! Maybe more people could point? Yeah! Yeah! Now it looks like you're all looking at it! Bravo!"

Cyborg Boom Tubes everyone away from the public and into Graves' writing cabin in Maine. Tensions are still running hot so Batman tells them to cut the shit and work together.

I mean Aquaman! I didn't recognize since this is the first time he's spoken in four or five issues.

Wait, what? That was Superman? No, no. I'm sure it was Aquaman.

David Graves' Journals give the Justice League some of the answers. Graves and his family became ill shortly after Darkseid's attack on Metropolis and he blamed the Justice League even though everybody in Metropolis didn't suddenly have cancer. Batman also discovers Graves went to that mountain to be reunited with his dead loved ones. So they Boom Tube there and Cyborg manages to spot the entrance to the Land of the Dead.

No, Victor, you're completely dead and your cyborg half is merely life support.

Once in the Valley of Souls, they all see visions of deceased family members. Except for, you know, Cyborg.

I told you! You're dead, mother fucker!

Oh, and I thought Wonder Woman might see her mother killed by Hera. But she's probably gone off in Limbo or The Happy Hunting Grounds or wherever dead Amazons wind up. I probably knew if I could remember more Xena. Instead of her mother, she sees Steve Trevor who tells her, "You're too late." Well, doesn't that just twist your lasso.

In the Shazam back-up story, Billy Batson finally makes it to Hogwarts The Wizard's Lair by hopping aboard the mystic subway after getting punched in the face by the asshole kid that bullies his foster brothers and sisters. Oh, and Black Adam acts like a giant dick.

Justice League #11 Rating: No change. The comic is still a huge improvement over the initial Darkseid story arc but I will not give a team book a boost in the Rankings when the members of the team beat each other up when they have a disagreement. It's simply silly.