Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32

I missed the issue where Damian was encased in carbonite.

I used to pronounce the "Ra's" in Ra's al Ghul as rhyming with moss because I can't even pronounce English names. But then I heard Batman pronounce it as rhyming with mace in Young Justice and I slapped myself in the face and said, "Stupid! You embarrassment! You idiot! How did you not know?!"

I hate when people act like they're better than you when you mispronounce a name. It's a fucking name! If somebody has never heard it said out loud before, there's absolutely no fucking reason that person should know how to pronounce it. I still constantly mispronounce Andrea's name from The Walking Dead because I was pronouncing it differently for eight years while reading the fucking comic book before I ever heard them pronounce it on the stupid television show. And people are so quick to correct you! So fucking smug in their ability to pronounce a name correctly! La dee da! Now if only that were the way they tested a person's IQ! "Pronounce all of these names. If you get any wrong, we'll fucking laugh right in your face and throw you out, you stupid twat."

Let me take a second to compose myself and wipe the spittle from my computer monitor. Yes, that's right. I rant and rave out loud as I type!

Okay. So Batman and Frankenstein have journeyed to the place formerly known as Nanda Parbat where Ra's al Ghul has an emergency Lazarus Pit. They arrive a little bit later than they would have liked and find that Ra's currently has Talia's corpse dipped just past her private area. If he never dunks the rest of her, will her bottom half come alive? I bet even just half of her is a pretty good match for the Jeezly Crow Batman.

This Pit fires up the libido.

This Lazarus Pit is supposedly even better than the Well of Sins Lazarus Pit in the heart of 'Eth Sven'leven. Ra's hadn't been able to access it while Nanda Parbat had its fat magic ass sitting on top of it. Here is an insensitive joke about the size of a city: "When Nanda Parbat sits around the Lazarus Pit, it really sits around the Lazarus Pit!" Um. Anyway, since Nanda Parbat arsed off, Ra's has decided to take full advantage of the purest pit in the world.

Here's another insensitive fat person joke: "How many fat people does it take to change a light bulb? One!"

Here's an equal time insensitive skinny person joke: "How many skinny people does it take to change a light bulb? Don't worry about it. The fat person already took care of it."

The rules for this pit insist that the corpse must be immersed in the liquid for 24 hours which is why Talia and Damian are in the sarcophagi. Fill 'em up and let 'em stew. This pit also erases memory. That seems like a huge hassle. Ra's really is crazy if he wants to rule the world with two mindless people that don't know anything and have no relationship to the people they once were. That just sounds like a hassle.

So you can't call Frankenstein a monster without sounding insensitive and you can't call him Frankenstein without a bunch of pseudo-intellectuals jumping down your throat and pointing out that the monster's name wasn't Frankenstein. Those people are pedantic assholes!

Batman and his army of Yetis attack Ra's and his army of Man-bats to keep Damian's corpse from being immersed in the Pit. Mostly Bruce just doesn't want to have to deal with another Jason Todd.

Batman escapes with Damian's sarcophagus while Frankenstein holds off the Man-Bats. But first Batman knocks a huge stone pillar on a bunch of Man-bats. Is it okay to kill Man-Bats? Or is this one of those situations if one of them dies, it isn't really Batman's fault since they should have upped their invulnerability quotient when transforming.

Frank doesn't do a quality job holding back al Ghul's forces.

Before Batman can make a clean getaway, he's forced to have one more conversation with Ra's al Ghul.

How sweet! It's Batmamabearman!

And, of course, that last conversation turns into one last battle (after one last double page Superman advertisement). The battle goes on for a few pages until Batman is about to put out both of al Ghul's eyes. But there are a couple of reasons he can't go through with it. The first reason is that Batman spent a long time under the Comics Code Authority, so he's hesitant to provide any Injuries to the Eyes for the corruption of the younger readers. And the second reason is because a BOOM Tube blasts open out of which that fucking asshole piece of shit craphole bullshitter Glorious Godfrey steps. Ugh. What a bastard.

Also a bunch of parademons come out of the tube which really can't be very good for New Earth!

Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32 Rating: No change. Well well well. That was a fucking surprise twist ending! I wasn't expecting to see Glorious Godfrey any time soon. Although the introduction of Apokolips into the Robin story was ruined for me just because the final DC ALL ACCESS page in all of last week's comic books make sure they differentiated "ROBIN RISES: OMEGA #1" from all the other text whenever it was mentioned. And Omega has been touted as Darkseid's daughter trapped on Earth. So even when I try to avoid all spoilers, DC still manages to kick me in the teeth and shit down my throat. I think. That metaphor might not accurately describe how it feels to read spoilers from DC itself. Anyway, a decent enough issue, I suppose. Lots of fighting. Not enough Yetis. Just the right amount of Frankenstein.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #27

After Ra's is done here, he has to get over to Gotham to kick an old lady's teeth in.

Last issue, Jason Todd's memories came back when he realized all he had to do was remember them to get them back. And after they came back, he said, "Surprise! Every single thing that has happened so far was part of my plan! Maybe I'm going to become a vampire in the future and change my name to Harvest!"

Upon reading the first few pages of this issue, I have to offer a retraction for my first paragraph. The plan was not Jason Todd's at all. It was, of course, Ducra's. Although Ducra died quite awhile ago so she might just be a figment of Jason Todd's imagination which would mean that the plan is his plan after all. So I'm going to retract my retraction! Why can't I ever remember that the first rule of Collect Club is never admit you are wrong! Mabelchan would be so disappointed in me. And after all the Pineapple Kit Kats she sent me.

So after that flashback is out of the way so that everything can be explained (including the stupid bit where The Joker set off the trap that blew off Jason Todd's face and was supposed to make him forget everything but didn't take because that would have screwed up the Batman Inc Continuity even more than it already did screw up the Batman Inc Continuity), the action returns to Jason Todd's face-off (because he almost lost his face earlier this year. In the same way Red Hood's creator lost his face! Well, not exactly the same way. But in a like manner is what I meant) with Ra's al Ghul!

Jason Todd's mentor? He means The Joker, right?

The scan above was from the title page which answered this question that was ringing in my head: "Why isn't Julius Gopez's art looking as stupid as it usually does?" That's because some guy named Noel Rodriguez did some of the arting as well. I bet kids with the name "Noel" get picked on at school all of the time. And it's a shame, really. It's actually the parents that should be picked on. "You named your kid what? What were you thinking, you narcissist?! Also, it's the 21st Century and you didn't stick an extraneous "y" in his name? What an uncreative douche."

This issue is called "Demons" and it doesn't take place in space which is why I had to write an entirely new commentary instead of using my commentary from New Guardians #27. Darn it.

Jason Todd was chosen for this job because he's the only person capable of throwing the Legendary Dragon Punch which is capable of knocking the immortality out of somebody. It isn't quite as useful when some thick jock decides to attack you in a convenience store. Better to have a skateboard on hand in that situation. But if you ever meet up with an immortal? Dragon Punch. Always go with the Dragon Punch. Or possibly the Crane Kick.

But Jason Todd also wasn't supposed to get his memories back or else they could be used against him the way that Ra's al Ghul uses them against him on page whatever page is opposite the ad for The Wolf Among Us. Jason is forced to look at a bunch of Jokers and he collapses.

Oh yeah! Remember this guy? His name is December Graystone. That's even worse than Noel Anylastname!

If you name your kid after a month (especially one of the months that is basically just a number), you might as well name your kid after shapes. Dodycyhydron! Rhomboyd! Squarely! Octygonzo! I know. You think names like "December" and "October" are pretty. Do you have a mirror handy? Just take a good, long, hard look into it. Ask yourself, "What went wrong in my life? Was my childhood really as happy and decent as I remember it? Why the fuck do I think ridiculous words make good names? I bet I would look hot if I took off all of my clothes? I should probably take a naked selfie of myself and send it to Tess now." Do you feel better? You should because I have zero training in psychology.

Jason recovers from the Jokers looking at him because who the fuck wouldn't? Oh, I guess everybody else wouldn't judging by the surprise leaking out of Ra's al Ghul's stupid mouth hole. And then Jason Todd turns the tables on Ra's and creates an image of Talia! And Ra's is all, "Talia? Is that really you? You're not a trick, are you? Please don't hurt me anymore!"

Kory is having trouble defeating December and Roy is having trouble defeating Rictus (why didn't The Joker take that name? Oh yeah. Because it's stupider than December. Or Noel) so Cheshire has to help out.

By teabagging Rictus with her lady teabag.

I'm not sure how December is defeated. Why was December afraid of January? Because January February March! I think I did that wrong. Anyway, December goes away. Maybe he wound up wherever Bronze Tiger hid himself away. And then Jason Todd wins the day because he has friends!

But mostly because he knows the Dragon Punch.

Ra's al Ghul's reaction to the Dragon Punch is to throw his arms in the air and scream, "Nooooo!" You know, like every other villain ever after being defeated. Way to be a dumb cliche, Ra's al Ghul.

Before we find out the ultimate fate of Ra's al Ghul after being Sucker Dragon Punched, it's time for a new feature I have just now decided to call, "Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!" starring Trivia Pursuit Genus IV questions from 1996! Today's questions come from Card #25:

I got three right according to the answers on the back and not according to actual facts as they may be eighteen years later. Figure out your answers before continuing on!

So the first question (the Pee Pee category) I got wrong. Why is this category called "Pee Pee"? Are they all questions about New Jersey? Back in the original edition, if the Blue Category asked for a number, your best bet was to answer "Three." If it asked for a city, the most probably answer was "Chicago." In this case "Three Percent" was not the right answer. The answer was 100% which I take issue with. At the very least, I know one person lives in The Pine Barrens: The Jersey Devil! Although I suppose 99.(9)% has been mathematically proven to be 100%, so whatever. But still! There must be a whole slew of reality television hillbillies living in the Pine Barrens! Next on A&E: PINE BILLIES!

The second question (the Ash category) I answered correctly because I'm really good at knowing things that aren't true anymore. The answer was Cheers because everybody back in the eighties thought this was the smartest comedy to ever not be MASH. I'm sure it's The Simpsons now. I suppose I could consult Lord Google but fuck him. What makes him think he's any smarter than Viscount Trivial Pursuit?

The third question (the Male category) I answered "Dan Quayle" because there was a time when all stupid questions asked by politicians involved Dan Quayle. The correct answer is Edward Kennedy which is kind of obvious, maybe. I think Pat Buchanan and Ted Kennedy were nemeses back in the day. The day being Ancient Times.

The fourth question (the Snopes category) was the "Did anybody ever fucking get this question wrong?" question. Every card needs at least one question that even your seven year old that just had to fucking play with the wine drinking adults on game night can answer. Although I'm fairly certain that if this question were updated, the answer would be "The Human Centipede."

The fifth question (the Slutty category) I didn't even spend any time on because what is baseball? The answer was Frank Thomas. This question probably is still accurate but is it relevant? No, no it is not.

The last question (the Wild Card category) was easy not because anybody knows who the fuck Giovanni Vigliotto was but because they give the clue to the answer Jeopardy-style with the whole "sweet-talking" business. And also because Trivia Pursuit answers were never "fucked someone in the ass." So it had to be "get married."

Thanks for playing! If you want to keep track of your scores as the game continues across other commentaries, leave your score in the Comments or via a Reply. You could also brag about your score in the Secret Clubhouse of Secrets. But you have to find it first!

So where was I? Oh yeah! What happened to Ra's al Ghul after being called a weak-ass doody face?!

Once Ra's loses his new and improved Well of Souls Immortality (I'm pretty sure he gets to keep his old, tawdry and ragged Immortality), it transfers to Essence because that was Ducra's plan all along! And lots of people in the universe feel the shift of power from ugly, mean-spirited, impotent old man to fucking hot albino sex kitten!

Oracle likey!

Trigon also notices because why wouldn't he? Somebody new in the universe to rape! Even Madame Xanadu notices but then what else does she have to do except read her Tarot Cards and say, "Yeah, I knew that," whenever something happens.

New Light Bright White Essence appears to not kill Ra's. Instead, she tells him she'll let him live and not destroy all of his precious Lazarus Pits if he lets Jason and Roy and Kory walk away. I guess she's too good to kill him and she's willing to once again establish the truce between The Untitled and The All-Caste and Ra's, whatever fucking role he played in that shit. Bronze Tiger finally comes out from behind a stalagmite to offer Ra's a bowl of consolation cereal. "It's pretty darn good!"

Essence returns to the Acres of All to rebuild the All-Caste with S'aru (if you get my drift! *wink wink*!) and Jason Todd and the Outlaws decide to go "vacation in the worst place on Earth" according to the Next Month Blurb. I'm not going to guess where that is because I'll probably offend some reader when I say "Dallas" or "Cleveland" or "Canada."

Red Hood and the Outlaws #27 Rating: +4 Ranking. That was a solid ending to all the bullshit that's been going on in this comic book for months prior to Tynion taking over. Even Tynion's run felt like a lot of cleaning up the overflowing toilet Lobdell left on his way out. But fucking fuck, James Tynion IV pulled it off and really fit all the pieces together in a nice way. For once, I'm impressed with this comic book! Also, did anybody else feel like Gopez and Rodriguez (I think mainly Rodriguez but since the pages aren't expressly labeled with who drew what, I'll just mention them both) were trying to get a Kenneth Rocafort vibe with their art and the panel layouts? The panel layouts were more organized with less negative space but it still felt like they were trying to keep up (or get back to, anyway) the early look of this comic book.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #26

The Joker? Is it The Joker! I bet it's The Joker! Oh wait! I recognize that collar! It's Preboot 80s Nightwing!

I just finished my last Fuck You New Year's Resolutions Oreo and now I feel sad. Truly, though, Oreos are pretty awesome. I wonder if the creator sold his soul to Satan for the recipe. Because it was worth it. I bet the cream filling is Satan's Jism. Although if that were the case, sucking off Satan in Hell wouldn't be a bad thing at all. It would be a reward! Can rewards and treats be given out in Hell? I bet they get everyone super excited about snack time as the demons pull them out of the burning lake of shit, remove them from the stakes they've been impaled on, chase the rabid dogs away from their gnawed on bodies. Then they lead them to the cafeteria where they're served the choice between Peeps or a long suck on Satan's dick. Peeps were also a snack item created by a person that sold their soul to Satan. But they didn't want to sell their soul for something delicious. The inventor of Peeps sold their soul to make the moronic and ignorant love the shitty, disgusting, nasty marshmallow snack. Oh, I know, you're thinking, "What?! I love Peeps!" I bet, you moronic and ignorant lost soul. I bet you'd choose a Peep over sucking Satan's dick every time! Idiot!

Meanwhile, Red Hood and the Outlaws begins telling a story from one year ago. That story is when Talia resurrected Jason Todd.

One year ago, hunh? I think that might be slightly off, DC.

I'm glad Bronze Tiger exists in this form in The New 52. All of the young Were-Tigers and Rakshasa's must have been feeling so underrepresented in comic books. It's good to see that they have a role model now.

And then back in the present, Ra's al Ghul is flipping the fuck out on Jason Todd. Shouldn't he be happy that Jason Todd helped restore the Ultimate Lazarus Pit? Wasn't that what Ra's wanted all along? I guess he realized the plan was a good one but that afterward, he'd have to kill Jason Todd since he was mainly Talia's pawn. And Talia has been getting the best of him lately, so Ra's has got to make some kind of move.

It's also possible that I just don't know what the fuck is going on. I've spent a lot of time reading Red Hood and the Outlaws while my mind was on other things, like good comic books and games I'd rather be playing, and masturbating into a street busker's coin cup.

Meanwhile Ducra (more powerful than anybody could ever know now that she's been struck down) and Essence are hanging out beyond the gates of the City of Assassins biding their time. Their time will come after Jason Todd saves the day. Then they, I don't know, bring sandwiches?

Oh Roy. Don't give him false hope. It's not like he's The Goddamned Batman. Besides, he doesn't have a gun!

Jason Todd begins acting sensibly although it's a bit too late for it. The plot device where he got mad at Roy and Starfire because they chose to honor his decision to remove his memories was just total bullshit. A horribly contrived event to split up the group. Because if Jason Todd were intelligent (which I have to assume he isn't after the stories I've read in this comic book series), he would have realized that he knew he was a murderer before losing his memories and that he himself wanted to forget about being a murderer and it's his own stupid amnesiac fault that he didn't trust his own self's decisions. Roy and Kory trusted him more than he trusted himself! Maybe he should have left a note to himself that said, "Don't try to remember, you stupid fuck. Also, Roy and Kory are your friends. You enjoy having sex with them. And Oreos. You love Oreos."

And then Roy Harper tells Jason Todd that he's had the power within him all along to remember his memories! All he has to do is tap his heels three times! And believe! And finger Roy Harper's asshole while sucking his cock. Sorry, Jason Todd! Them's the rules!

Oh look! Now he doesn't want to know what he forgot! Now he trusts his old self! Fuck you, Jason Todd! Fuck you right in your urethra.

Ra's al Ghul prepares to kill Roy and Starfire while Jason watches so Jason decides he'd better remember everything. So he remembers a lot of fighting but no sex. Damn. I was hoping he'd remember fucking people. I suppose the fucking memories won't help him escape now. But maybe remembering some of the stuff Batman taught him will!

And that's what happens! He remembers how to pick locks! I wonder if he also remembered how to masturbate using a room temperature watermelon? It might have helped in this situation!

Ducra is a bit upset for some reason. Apparently Jason Todd wasn't supposed to remember himself yet. Now he's going to save the day his way and not the way she wanted him to save it! I think I liked her plan better because her plan would have resulted in Roy Harper getting killed. Although Starfire would have had to die as well and I don't have anything against her. Oh well. I might even agree to Ted Kord never ever again making an appearance at DC in exchange for never having to read another Roy Harper Narration Box!

Jason Todd begins battling Men-Bats and starts off with the line, "Is that all you've got?" Really, Todd? I might have expected that crap from you when you'd lost your memory but you should know better now! Boring, cliche bullshit. It's possibly the single most predictable and boring thing anybody can ever say whilst playing a game of Monopoly!

Sorry. Had a bit of a Young Ones glitch there.

Next Todd takes out Lady Shiva in a few panels but he explains it while he does it so it doesn't seem as improbable as it really is. See, when he trained under her, she taught him how to defeat her because she's a fucking moron. I mean, yes, technically she taught him how to defeat somebody as skilled as she is. Still a stupid move. Also, if Jason Todd knows that move that takes out Lady Shiva in a few panels, why does he have a problem against anybody ever?

Oh, I see. Because the Crane Kick doesn't work on Weretigers!

It's a good thing Bronze Tiger isn't fighting to win since there are no shortcuts to beating him! He's actually just killing time while Cheshire frees Starfire and Roy because Benji and Jade have decided that they don't want to work for crazy all-powerful Ra's al Ghul. Talia probably gives better benefits and vacation time.

Once Jason and his outlaws are back fighting side by side, he informs them that this has been the plan all along. I'm not sure which plan it's been all along. Probably Talia's plan. He also mentions needing to throw some water on a witch and the only witch in the area is Ducra. Unless he means Ra's but Ra's just soaked in the pool so how does that work? One exposure good; two bad? That's what happened to the Untitled, right? Anyway was Talia's plan to destroy Ducra and possibly her father as well? I think Ducra's plan was to keep Jason Todd an amnesiac so that he would be pure enough to apply the Dragon Punch to Ra's al Ghul and knock the immortality out of him. Essence still doesn't know what the fuck is going on. And Ducra now believes that Jason Todd is about to die. I guess it will all just sort itself out next month.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #26 Rating: No change. I just can't wait until this story arc is over because it will leave behind the last vestiges of Scott Lobdell's taint on this story and its characters. Jason Todd has his memory back and the Untitled are gone. Hopefully Ducra will be taken care of next and Essence will go away and join the Teen Titans. And then Tynion can begin writing stories that only deal with the stuff he's begun concerning Talia and Ra's and the League of Assassins.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #24

Ooh! Ooh! Who is it?! The Caped Batflamboyance?! The High Collared Batfop? The Royal Batdouchebag?

So Jason Todd was bitten by the Dress Like Brother Blood Bug. There are worse viruses that can infect your system. Although that Goddamned leering Bronze Tiger is still pissing me off! And making me hungry for cereal!

Last issue, Red Hood defeated his friends, The Outlaws. But The Outlaws were okay with that because they love Jason Todd and they believe in him and they know that even though he has forgotten everything he ever knew, he still loves them, way deep down in his heart where amnesia can't penetrate! I mean, he can't remember their faces or their names or what it felt like when his dick was deep within them, but you can't erase love! Right?!

The issue begins with December Graystone having a Blood Battle with a mysterious man in Assassin's Creed Cosplay. December remembers this mysterious figure and also has a stupid name. You know what doesn't make you creative? Naming your child. If that's the limit of your creative genius as a human being, you've failed. Especially if you've named your child December. Why not Decagon? Or Decimate? Anything with the Roman prefix for ten is really popular this year! Decompose! Oh wait. That's different somehow. Maybe December was actually named after Francis E. Dec! Now that's something of which I can approve! Normally, I would say, "That's something I can approve of!" But I wanted to sound more sober than I actually am.

Getting back to that mysterious figure, I don't know who it is. Ra's al Ghul? Did he set this all up as a Halloween prank? I still hope it's Bruce Wayne trying to find the Fountain of Undeath to toss Damian into. Although Bruce has lost Damian's corpse, so it really isn't going to help him any.

Underground, Jason Todd and the League of Assassins are busy trying to keep The Untitled out of the pool.

Really? Because I'm fairly certain there are only six or seven of them. The unamnesiac Jason Todd could have taken care of them with his memories tied behind his back! Oh wait....

I guess when your enemies can turn into amorphous blobs of ghostly sentimentality when they're stabbed in the face, six or seven is all that are needed to wipe the floor of Assassinsville with your still beating heart. Luckily Jason Todd is getting advice from his Magic Swords, so he doesn't have to rely on his memory to remind him that The Untitled can be killed by copper. This whole amnesia thing at least gives The Untitled lass from way back in Issue 3 or 4 an out for letting that secret slip! That was almost embarrassing!

Meanwhile Roy Harper is sitting in prison beneath the surface of the beneath the surface city of 'Eth Alth'Eban. I hope I didn't just summon a Great Old One by typing that! Hopefully if I did, it'll be confused by the change back to Standard Time and he'll wind up where I will be an hour before I get there! Except all I do is sit at my desk or in front of the Xbox, so that probably won't help any.

Anyway, Roy is sitting in a cell talking to Cheshire who is sitting outside the cell masturbating. Well, she's not actually masturbating because this isn't a Mature Comic and, from what I've heard from my friend J.T., masturbation doesn't exist in the DC Universe. That might explain a lot of shit! Especially Batman! That guy is pent the fuck up. No, Cheshire is not masturbating. But she's staring at Roy Harper and thinking about fucking his face and his fist and probably his feet and most especially his cock and probably fucking him with her fist and maybe with his quiver and probably fiddling about the edges of his anus with just the tip of his great, big, massive bow. But then, who hasn't had those thoughts about Roy Harper? Well, I haven't! I hate him! He's the stupidest motherfucker in The New 52! Fans of Roy Harper should actually be upset that he wasn't sidelined for this shit!

Oh God Damn It! I didn't mean to make you cry! I'm sorry, okay? OKAY?!

Last issue, I was bitching that the writers kept telling us how caring and sweet and emotional Roy Harper was but the comic book wasn't actually showing that side of his character. He just kept doing selfish shit while acting like a smart mouthed jerk. This is the first time I'm actually believing there's more to him! I've been waiting for this moment since James Tynion took over the writing duties. I knew Lobdell was never going to make him anything more than a mouth with smart remarks. And by smart, I mean irritatingly stupid, actually. But you know, smart remarks is the idiom people understand. They don't say, "Enough with the irritatingly stupid remarks, irritatingly stupid mouth!" Although they really should.

Anyway, it's those tears that finally get Roy Harper fucked by Cheshire! Which is actually counterproductive to what he supposedly just confessed because here he is getting selfishly laid while his best buddy fights for his life and his other best buddy sits in chains which is her worst nightmare. Good for you, Roy!

This is going to be my go-to post-coitus line from now on!

For some reason, Roy Harper's story is the most interesting part of this book this month. Back at the big battle, Jason Todd has discovered that he can kill The Untitled by dunking them in the Well of Sins. Or maybe he's just being tricked, right? Maybe that's what they want! It's hard to tell because comic books like to alter reality every few pages and call it a "twist" as opposed to "the writer changing his mind mid-script." Jason also discovers that his memory wasn't just wiped but that Ducra fucked with it somehow. She may have even implanted herself in there like a disgusting spider that lays eggs in your brain after you've gone out in a beehive hairdo.

The leader of The Untitled, Ducky McSideburns, is shoved in the well and has his powers sucked out of him, turning him back into a real boy. Afterward, Lady Shiva and her army of Manbats begin gathering up the rest of The Untitled and tossing them into the Well.

Umm, Lady Shiva? That outfit might be just a little bit too tight.

While Cheshire takes Roy to see Starfire, the mysterious Assassin's Creed Cosplayer arrives to nitpick Jason Todd's successful campaign against The Untitled. He's also come to take a dunk in the now re-powered Well of Sins because it's been a long time since he's had a nice long bath in a decent Lazarus Pit. Most of the other ones he's soaked in were mostly composed of urine and bits of dead flesh.

I thought about scanning the full page reveal that it is Ra's al Ghul but this page is better in that it sums up the first two years of Red Hood and the Outlaws in one page. And it's a much better read! And quicker!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. Yay for the end of The Untitled arc! Hip hip yippee! Perhaps James Tynion will now feel free to abandon every single piece of shit plot hook left by Scott Lobdell and turn this into a comic book worth reading! And maybe Ra's al Ghul and the League of Assassins will eventually get their own title!

Addendum (that has nothing to do with Red Hood but should go somewhere): One of the worst things about life is not being able to control even the things that seem inherently under your own control. Over the last month or two, this blog has seemed like a chore. I would write a commentary and just be sad that it wasn't what it should be. I wind up disappointed and upset that I'm failing the readers. And I always feel I could change that, if I just tried harder! If I just put more into it! Somehow it was my own lack of desire to write commentaries that would make myself laugh when I reread them. But this happens occasionally, of course. I know this. I live it. The brain chemistry goes through its cycles, its motions. And eventually I return to the point where writing the commentaries comes naturally and fills me with energy. There's a manic rush where my mind throws out too many responses to everything I'm reading. Maybe too much sometimes as I mix up everything I'm trying to say! But those commentaries can be funny too as they boggle the mind and you just have to wonder, "What the fuck is that guy thinking?" Even I don't know sometimes, just a month later when I reread them! But getting through those times when I'd rather be in bed sleeping than reading comic books can be pretty fucking annoying. But right now? I'll embrace this feeling. Let's read more comic books, shall we?!

Ra's al Ghul and the League of Assassins #1

"Welcome everybody to Fantasy Island! If your fantasy is Batman tied up."

Fantasy Island was one of those shows that occasionally really scared the shit out of me. I suppose that's why it was on past my bedtime if I had had a bedtime. Half of the show was generally some guy getting his comeuppance for having a fantasy that Mr. Rourke judged was selfish twaddle and a waste of his time. So he'd have the fantasy completely backfire in a horrible and frightening way to teach the uppity shit a serious lesson in making dreams come true. Why is the society's standard message always, "Be careful what you wish for because you might get it"? You know? Monkey's paw shit and genies that twist wishes. It's supposed to be all about getting things too easily but the message really comes across as don't fucking dream, buddy! That's why Willy Wonka is one of my heroes. Because his story of the boy who suddenly got everything he ever wanted ends with a happily ever after. If I had children, I think I would only show them three children's movies: "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Jesus Christ that sounds like a gay porn title)," "Mary Poppins (more porn titles!)," and "The Muppet Movie." At least those would be their starting films. Also, they were the three "children's" movies to pop into my head that best expressed my philosophy and attitude toward life. Obviously there would be more if I wanted to sit around thinking about it.

This issue begins in 1285 with a small group of sincere missionaries spreading the truth of Jesus Christ the Holy Roman Church to all the heathens in the Middle East. Strangely enough, the missionaries didn't seem very interested in spreading the word equally across the Middle East. They were particularly interested in converting those heathens living near or around famous Biblical sites. "Converting" might be too euphemistic a word. I probably really mean "slaughter." I think they might be synonyms though!

To be fair, I'm judging this small group of Crusaders merely by glancing at the first page. They could be a small band that broke off from the horrors of the final Crusade and decided to conduct their missionary business in other places around the globe. Especially places with lots of gold because people with lots of gold are usually in need of some major proselytizing. Whoops! There I go using those euphemisms again!

I've seen the title of this comic on the cover and I'm still going to be disappointed when it's not Jason Blood who answers the door.

The door is answered by a spooky Dwight Fry servant type who leads the Crusaders down into the heart of the tower's dungeons. On the way down the stairs, all but Gerhardt the leader are killed. No, no! They're assassinated! That just means they're killed without Gerhardt hearing anything. When they reach the bottom, the servant locks Gerhardt in a room with a glowing green pool.

Maybe I was wrong about these guys. Maybe they're just a Catholic Pool Cleaning Company. "The power of Chlorine compels you!" Or maybe they were just looking for a fun time bath house to wash the sins from their bodies because a naked man rises from the pool while laughing. It's the first recorded instance of Ra's al Ghul in history as we learn when the comic book continues with a representative of The Secret Society of Super-villains trying to recruit Ra's al Ghul in the "NOW" of The New 52.

Ra's al Ghul answers, "No."

With room to negotiate.

Once Ra's al Ghul has decided to come out of his room and play, he creates a club called The League of Assassins. He begins to get Delusions of Zodhood as he decides that the human race aren't living up to their potential and that he needs to make them stronger by kicking their asses with his assassins as often as he possibly can. Here's a good phrase: high class assassins. Ass three times in a row! You could get four if there were assassins that specialized in killing ass: high class ass assassins. Speaking of "ass," I have a five color magic deck that has all ass cards in it. That means if "ass" is anywhere on the card, I've marked over the other letters and turned it into an ass card. Like City of Ass and Mystic Ass and Razor Ass. Theme cards also work like Befoul and Bad Air. If Bad Air is a card. I haven't played in so long! It also has some "ass" cards from the unglued or unhinged series, so it's not tournament legal. What a shame.

After mentioning a few precious destabilizing moments in world history, the visitor turns to Ra's al Ghul's personal life.

Time to discuss the basement full of Damians!

The visitor tells Ra's that Batman and the Justice League are dead and that, if he joins them, he can change the world just as he's always wanted. But Ra's knows better. He's been around a long time. He knows when he's met a man that refuses to die and Bruce Wayne was one of them. He'll be back. Besides, why would Ra's want to join an organization? He's the kind of man that creates and leads them. And he's done listening to this little shit that thinks he knows everything. Time to show this little shit the meaning of the word "puissant!"

Hmm, that didn't sound as tough or threatening as I'd imagined it would.

Because I've never really followed Batman, I've never really known much about Ra's al Ghul. But I like this guy here in this comic book. This Super Villain has my respect!

Ra's al Ghul and the League of Assassins #1 Rating: Ra's didn't do a lot of talking in this issue but when he turned the tables on the young punk and decided to tell him how things really were? That was a cool fucking moment. I like this guy! Hopefully this issue is a sign that James Tynion IV will finally be dragging the nearly dead body of Red Hood and the Outlaws from beneath the shadow of Lobdell's horrible writing. I felt like I was enjoying reading DC Comics during this issue! It could possibly have been the Oreos I was munching away on as well. You can't underestimate the power of a good Oreo rush. Just ask J'onn!

Ra's al Ghul! (as seen in Batman and shit)

Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Entrepreneur, Would-be Conqueror
Marital Status: Widowed
Known Relatives: Talia (daughter)
Group Affiliation: Former head of the League of Assassins
Base of Operations: Unknown
First Appearance: BATMAN #232
Height: 6'3" Weight: 160 lbs.
Eyes: Green Hair: Gray with white temples

HISTORY
Little is known of the early years of the man called Ra's al Ghul, whose name means "Demon's head." His true age, his country of origin, and even his name at birth are all a mystery. Ra's first came to the attention of The Batman (see Batman II) when he faked the kidnapping of his daughter, Talia (see Talia), and Dick Grayson (see Nightwing) to test the detective's resourcefulness in finding them. When The Batman proved more than equal to the task, Ra's then revealed that he had chosen The Batman not merely as the only worthy successor to his vast "organization" (which at that time included the League of Assassins, see League of Assassins), but also as the only man worhty of marrying his daughter! Flattered, The Batman nonetheless refused, though it is known that he cares for Talia deeply.

At the time of their first meeting, Ra's revealed that another of his prime concerns was the ecological balance of the planet. Since that time, he has undertaken missions to preserve what he deems to be the purity of the ecosphere; these missions have constantly brought him into conflict with The Batman [Who hates the ecosphere.], and often Talia. Ra's al Ghul's current whereabouts and activities are unknown.

POWERS & WEAPONS
Though Ra's is possessed of no superhuman powers, his strength and stamina are well above the average [comic book reader].

Ra's al Ghul's missions are often extremely dangerous; should one prove fatal, Ra's has prepared The Lazarus Pit, a bath of unknown chemical composition that is capable of restoring the dead to life, under certain conditions, though those revived by the Pit are for several minutes seized by a fit of madness, during which they possess immense strength. Ra's has restored his own life several times by the Pit; it is unknown if further immersions in the Pit would be efficacious.

Batman Incorporated #2

Halo and Looker! But isn't Looker getting some kind of Vampire One-Shot this summer?

WARNING! Well, not really a warning. I mean, nothing extreme is going to happen and nobody will be harmed if they don't follow my advice. But I think this book over any of the others so far deserves this notice! Just go read the fucking comic book! This commentary is just for me so that next month, I can refresh my memory of the events before reading Issue #3. Everyone else should just go read the comic book instead of reading my spoilers! It's fucking great. END OF WARNING!

Issue #2 begins with a flashback to Ra's al Ghul attending Live Aid where he met Talia's mother.

I like Ra's! This is the same way I feel about Global Warming. The whole strategy is to guilt the middle class into changing their lifestyles to fight against global warming when their footprints are nothing (even added all together!) compared to the footprints of corporations and governments' out-of-control military efforts.

Ra's al Ghul has summoned Talia to his lair in the, well, I don't know. Himalayas historically, right? So she arrives to find out that all he wanted was to keep her there, forcing her to stop her war on Batman. It's for her own good, he says.

The October 1991 Issue of Who's Who says Talia's mom was killed when she was accidentally pushed into a Lazarus Pit by al Ghul's adopted son. I think in The New 52, al Ghul simply took the child to the Himalayas while abandoning the mother, Melisande.

As a young girl, Talia sneaks off to visit a renowned fortune teller. She learns of the star whose name her father took: Algol, the eye of Medusa in the constellation Perseus. She's told it's a binary system and represents the father and the daughter. And then she's told a little something of her past as well.

Aha! So she was abandoned. My guess is that this confrontation will piss of Ra's al Ghul and he'll give her what she wants: a soak in the Lazarus Pit. Which will kill her, of course.

Melisande disappears and Talia never finds out what happened to her. And Ra's al Ghul sticks to his story that Talia's mother died during childbirth.

Ra's al Ghul's ultimate goal pretends to be creating a legacy to continue his work and rule the world. But what he's really after is a perfect body born of his daughter and a worthy man into which he can transmigrate. It seems Batman fails the test but Talia has fallen in love with him. But what chance does she have of Batman reciprocating? She's not the fucking Joker, after all!

So she drugs the bat bastard!

But now why does Talia want Damian dead? Simply to hurt Batman now that he's become attached to his son? Or is it more than that? Does she also intend to take Damian away from Ra's al Ghul who may still have plans to possess Damian's body when the Lazarus Pits run dry? Whatever the case, she's a little bit pissed at Batman for not falling in love with her and for not leaving his life behind to join her and Damian and become a family of assassins. So now, she's just going to continue with her plans.

I guess she doesn't look like a lich after all!

Batman Incorporated #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue goes over a lot of past material, explaining all of the background Batman Incorporated stuff that continues to true in the New 52. Of course if DC never did the New 52, they wouldn't have needed to update everyone! But then I probably wouldn't have gotten back into comics and been able to read this story. I'm pretty sure I'm the perfect target for The New 52. Someone who knows a lot about DC's history and followed them for many years but then abandoned them during the last half-decade when they were doing a lot of universe changing shit. I didn't abandon them specifically nor because of the things they were doing. I just stopped reading comics for awhile. So for everyone that is pissed off by The New 52, I get it. I feel you. But guess what? I'm reaping all the benefits and loving it! Major faults and all.

By the way, I discuss many of The New 52's faults throughout the various commentaries I've written. So if you want to know my position on The New 52, you'd better get to reading! 518 entries so far!