The Hellblazer #8

Why isn't this how we display the corpses of our ancestors?

The Review!
In this Teen Plus non-Vertigo issue of Hellblazer, Constantine almost says cunt. That's about as close as you're going to get with the Rebirth version. But at least it's better than The New 52 version! Although the DC You version wasn't so bad.

Speaking of Teen Plus comic books, a man came into my local comic book store yesterday with his daughter (she looked about eight. But what do I know about fucking kids? I don't mean what do I know about having sex with kids! Gross! I was just using the word fucking as an intensifier!). She wanted to buy an issue of Green Arrow and he was asking the owner if the issue was appropriate for a young child. Before I could say, "A few issues ago in Green Arrow, John Diggle fucked a bear in a field of heroin!", the owner pointed out that the comic was Teen Plus and might have some stuff that wouldn't be suitable for an eight year old. So her assistant took the father and daughter into the back to find a copy that wasn't sealed (it was the issue with the Badlands comic book sealed up inside). I'm assuming that once they went into the back room, some Oompa Loompas sang a song about destroying the innocence of children.

"What do you do when your kid wants some porn?
Whip them and beat them and fill them with scorn.
Let them read violence and horror and gore!
Cause if they see sex they will...become...a whore!
Just like ma and pa did!"

I told that story because I don't have anything to say about this comic book. In John's pursuit of a way to kill Djinn, he's figured out that the gang member he chased away from the old guy's house has the old guy's journal. And since a rival of his, Misabel Lefebve, is seeking the journal, John figures it must be what he needs. So they team up to go steal the book back from the French kid who stole it last issue. He's a good kid taking care of his younger sister, so I'm sure he'll die horribly.

The Ranking!
No change!

The Hellblazer #7

Paris Uber is the worst.

The Review!
This issue begins with Constantine declaring it a deal breaker if somebody puts their tea bag in after pouring the water. Usually I'm completely behind everything Constantine does or says because he's the greatest DC Comic Book Character in their entire universe¹. But I hate this fucking attitude. I'm sick of people having such strong convictions over meaningless aspects of daily life. If one more person throws a fucking fit over pineapples on pizza or does a spit-take while reading because they encounter a serial comma, I'm going to start stabbing everybody in the throat. Great. Have your fucking opinion on something that, if other people think differently, won't change your life in the least. But stop acting like you're Joan of Arc willing to be burnt at the stake in defense of your mundane opinion. Tea bag in before or after the water? Who bloody fucking cares?!

Cue people telling me I'm having in inappropriately strong conviction over something that doesn't matter in the least. Also, fuck those people. They probably can't stand it when other people chew ice on an airplane. I'm allowed to have hyperbolic reactions to things because that's what this fucking stupid blog is all about, you morons. It's like that one asshole one time who decided that he would point out all of my typos after I got done savaging Howard Mackie's writing on The Ravagers. Those are two completely different situations and if you can't see the difference, you're either willfully stupid just to feel smug or, you know, just stupid. DC had editors and was charging people money to edit his work. I only edit my reviews a month after I've written them, when I reread them for the first time just before reading the new issue of the series. If anything, that asshole would have just been helping me out in the editing phase. I think he just thought he would be humiliating me. He never responded again after I thoroughly disemboweled him with my word katana.

You're in DC Comics' Paris. The Eiffel Tower is in every single establishing shot of the city. How else would I have known Constantine was taking Paris Uber just by looking at the cover?! The filthy pigeons could have made it any city!

This issue is part one of "The Smokeless Fire." But they weren't done with the last story, were they?! I guess Mercury trapping a genie in her head while the other genie gathered the Magicians of London together to save the world and/or battle Constantine was an ending? At least for awhile? This is probably just one of those stories that needs to be told before finishing the other story because something integral to the plot in this one will be used to save the day in the other one.

The story is the story of the man Constantine and Mercury have Chunneled to Paris for help against the Djinn. The story is about an expedition he took in 1936 to a place where Djinn were said to live. Constantine first heard the story from the old man in a bar. Now he's come to Paris because he's starting to think the old man's story was true and not just an attempt to get into John's pants.

Nice synopsis panel for those of us with bad memories. I also included the next panel because John uses the word "arsehole" and Mercury references Through the Looking Glass.

Constantine and Mercury aren't the only ones trying to find Old Man Genie Killer, Esquire. A bunch of young Parisian punks have decided they're going to rob his ass. They almost run over Mercury while fast and furiousing their way to steal the old man's antiques. Mercury manages to read their minds and realizes they're after the same bloke. I guess Constantine and Mercury having a conversation while they walk to the old guy's home wasn't exciting enough for a comic book. This is the action part to keep everybody's penises in their hands. Yes, that's a sexist statement. Just wait to hear what I have to say when there's a kiss!

The old man confesses the location of his secret diary to Dante, the newest and most human of the gang². When John and Mercury arrive, Dante flees with the book as the old man lies dying of a heart attack. Mercury stays behind to save the old man's life with her, um, mind powers? I guess? Constantine takes Paris Uber out the window and onto the rooftops. But he misses his connection, falls into a bush, and is arrested by Paris cops. Dante flees back home and begins reading the diary of the old man. Well, at least Dante will know how to kill a Djinn! That could come in useful in some other story that's about Dante and not Constantine. Constantine, on the other hand, is fucked.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm disappointed that Moritat didn't do the art again. But everything else was satisfying. Except maybe that part where Constantine held a mundane conviction too strongly. __________________________
¹That I'll be mentioning in this comic book review.
²Dante had a scene earlier teaching his little sister math and promising to never leave her. The other gang members were inhuman monsters. You could tell because they didn't get any scenes in which they weren't just stereotypes.

Suicide Squad #3

Is the red dot on Katana's mask to confuse snipers who might be trying to get a bead on her?

The Commentary!
• People hate the term "fake nerd" but it's a real thing, you guys! Here's how you can tell the difference between a nerd and a fake nerd. A fake nerd thinks they're a nerd because of their interests and hobbies. A real nerd shares the same interests and hobbies but everybody thinks they're gross and ugly and won't let them sit at their lunch table. Fake nerds like to pretend that they're not cool because of their interests and hobbies but they actually think not being cool is cool and liking the things they like is cool because it's not cool (even though it's totally mainstream and cool now). A real nerd wants to be cool but can never be cool because they're gross and ugly and why the fuck are you trying to sit at my lunch table?! Fake nerds get offended at people using the term fake nerd because they know that they've never actually had to suffer like a real nerd. A real nerd doesn't want to be a nerd but can't help it because the real nerd is gross and ugly and can't find a place to sit at lunch.

• Let's face it. If you're good looking, you're a fake nerd. That's all there is to it. You can have anxiety problems or be into nerdy things or be terribly shy. But if you're not ugly, you'll never actually know the feeling of being ostracized the way real nerds are ostracized. I know it's a terrible burden to be accused of not being a big enough victim to be a real nerd. How awful for you.

• For the record, I'm not a real nerd. I am fucking marvelous to gaze upon! Or at least I was in my late teens and twenties and probably much of my thirties! Now I'm just a middle-aged guy who doesn't give a fuck about his looks. Christ, who cares?! I'd be happier being a brain in a jar! As long as the jar had a penis, of course!

• I suppose I was a real nerd in Junior High because I was fat and reading Elfquest and had constant dandruff in my eyebrows. But I never felt ostracized or picked on, so I never would have considered myself a nerd. But that was in the early to mid eighties when nobody wanted to be called out as a nerd. Being a nerd had yet to go mainstream. Although I think I was less a nerd and more just a middle-aged man who didn't give a shit about his looks who was in the body of a pre-teen (that sounds like a criminal statement). And then I got a huge crush on Marilyn Mendoza and everything changed! Except the reading Elfquest and other comics! I did lose the weight and the dandruff though!

• I don't really fucking care who is a nerd or who isn't. It's just that sometimes some things need to be said because there's a generation of people who think the world didn't exist before they were born (I mean, that's every generation as they each come along!). Being a nerd means something different to them and when people old enough to remember when it was anathema to be a nerd, it makes a big difference to see people who haven't suffered proclaiming they're a nerd. It's almost as if their pain and agony has been...appropriated. Now being a nerd is all about the trappings and the fandoms. It's easy and cool to be a nerd now. So for the people who still aren't accepted but their likes and hobbies are? That's fucking painful. And then to be outright vilified when they mention their pain? Well, real nerds will always be real nerds, it's just now the fake nerds are the ones picking on them. It was probably easier when the football player was making fun of you for playing Dungeons and Dragons. Now the people making fun of you wouldn't dream of making fun of your hobbies because they like them too. So they have to think up better ways to make fun of you, like your style and looks. But that's wrong so they tie those styles and looks into a stereotype of a person who is hateful, thus giving them a righteous shield to be an asshole.

• Anyway, Zod has escaped from the Phantom Zone in a Russian facility and he's just disintegrated Captain Boomerang with his heat vision! And I just remembered that I can cry!

Oh come on, Amanda! Like you didn't know that the Cosmic Item was actually Zod!

• As Zod fails to kill any other members of the Suicide Squad even though he could probably take them all out with a quick blast of his freeze breath, The Enchantress returns to active duty.

I am so turned on right now.

• Hack, mega-Harley fan, believes she can imprison Zod again if she doesn't die first. The Enchantress fails to protect her but Katana manages it because Katana is a bad ass with a bad ass sword that can apparently help her stop a swinging Kryptonian fist.

• How come Zod is so strong when he's been in The Phantom Zone all of this time and now that he's out, he's in a closed facility under the sea? Doesn't he need to power up with at least a little light from the yellow sun before he has any powers?

• If this were a roleplaying game and my character was Captain Boomerang, I'd be in a huge fucking fight with the Gamemaster at this point! How dare he kill my character by using a Kryptonian's heat vision when that Kryptonian shouldn't have had any powers to begin with! And I'd fucking win that argument, motherfuckers!

• While Hack hacks away and Katana and Flag pretend they're not about to die any second, Harley Quinn and Deadshot murder a battalion of Russian soldiers entering the Black Vault. After they're done making widows of about one hundred Russian women who never did anything to anybody, they meet the real obstacle keeping them from escaping the Black Vault with Zod, the Cosmic Item.

Annihilation Brigade? I would expect them to have a more Russian sounding name!

• One of their names is Cosmonut? But that's a pun! In English! Why would a Russian meta have a name with an English pun?! And one is named Tankograd?! Is that supposed to mean city of tanks? Or hail of tanks? Or does "tanko" mean something totally different?

• I believe their names, beginning in the upper left and going clockwise, are Rotary, Cosmonut Cracker, Orko, Capitan Smiley, and Past Gas.

• Jim Lee managed twelve pages this month. I think that's probably what he's supposed to be doing. But I'm going to keep an eye on him because we all know he's going to be drawing four or six page stories soon enough.

• The back-up story is about Katana and it is called "Choose". Don't worry! I won't write a rant in which I alienate more people when I should just be making stupid jokes! I'll get right into the story this time! Or maybe I'll just read the story and find it lacking and not have anything to say about it.

• Yeah. Well. Nothing to say about that!

The Ranking!
+0! DC Comics couldn't kill people in a Suicide Squad comic that ran twenty pages, how are they going to manage to kill anybody in one that runs only twelve?! It'll never happen! You'd think by now they'd have killed more than just Amanda Waller's assistants and Man-bats?! But no! Nobody! Not one person has been killed in these pages! No! I don't want hear you say anything different. Just hear me when I say nobody has died. NOBODY, GODDAMMIT! He is not dead!

Suicide Squad Rebirth #1

Suicide Squad goes from a logo that actually took a bit of graphic design to something a tenth grader would come up with for the cover of the yearbook.

The Commentary!
I will probably be going to see the Suicide Squad movie in a few days and I will probably enjoy the hell out of it, even if Harley has a scene with The Joker where she screams, "Martha?! Who's Martha?!" No matter how enjoyable the movie might be, it won't get a fair shake from the internet. I have a feeling Marvel fans are just waiting for the first widespread theatrical showing of Suicide Squad so that they can begin blogging their comments about how bad the movie was based on the early reviews they've already read. They'll have no original thoughts of their own because that's the fucking internet for you. Judge something on its own merits based on your own ideas and perceptions? Fuck that! If you disagree with the Internet, you'll be crucified! So instead of talking about the good points to Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us, just keep repeating the Martha gag over and over and fucking over (just like I did earlier!). Instead of pointing out how the scene makes emotional sense but was horribly directed, just pan the entire movie due to Snyder's poor interpretation of Batman's sudden realization of the humanity of this powerful alien. You know what? I shouldn't put all the blame on Snyder. Where the fuck did Jesse Eisenberg come up with that interpretation of Lex Luthor?!

Here's the deal: I'll tell you if the movie is good and why. I've been a fan of the Squad since Legends, so I'm not going to be happy if it's terrible. I mean, I'm already not happy that they're using the version of the Squad they're using! I'm fine with Amanda Waller, Deadshot, Captain Boomerang, Rick Flag, and Enchantress. And I understand DC's feeling that Harley Quinn is necessary. Hell, she'll probably steal the entire movie for most people. But I don't know how I feel about Katana being in the group. And I don't give a shit about Killer Croc. And El Diablo? Well, I guess they need somebody they can kill. If it were up to me, I would have included Oracle in this movie since Suicide Squad was when she first made her appearance. Since The Joker is in this movie, maybe have a scene where he shoots a young Barbara Gordon during some ribbon cutting ceremony in Gotham while she's on stage with her father. Make it sort of a background thing that you can replay again later in the movie from a perspective after they discover Oracle is helping them. Now that I've written that, I'm thinking, "How the fuck did they miss this opportunity?!" And now I'm thinking, "Oh! Maybe they didn't! I haven't seen the movie yet! Maybe Oracle is in it!" But now now I'm thinking, "I'm pretty sure I would have heard about Oracle being in the film if she were in the film so stop dreaming, asshole."

Suicide Squad Rebirth begins with President Obama shutting down Task Force X. Being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know that this proclamation won't stick because this comic book is just starting. It's those kinds of things that separate the Grandmasters from the Amateurs. An Amateur Comic Book Reader probably read "The Suicide Squad is finished" on page one and thought, "What?! But it hasn't even started yet! I just wasted three bucks!" The really dumb ones probably think the comic book ended on that first page and went on to the next comic in their stack. Ha ha! Fools! But I know better! I know that all DC's $2.99 comic books are twenty pages long, even if they start off by saying that they're over!

It's up to Amanda Waller (fat again! Yay Rebirth!) to convince President Obama that he can shut his dumb lame duck fucking mouth!

The only problem with this whole program is that everybody fucking knows about it! Hopefully Rebirth makes it secret again!

It's hard to justify the Squad's existence on the basis that they take care of problems for America too sensitive for the government to deal with when all of the other governments know that when a team of supervillains attacks some organization within their borders, they're doing it on behalf of the US Government. And yet that's exactly how the last series, New Suicide Squad, began! Hopefully Rob Williams will make a better go at keeping the team covert.

I just realized the Jim Lee is drawing this book every two weeks (or, at least, eight or so pages of it, depending on how badly he fails his deadlines). Can he draw fat women?! Will Amanda be fat on issue and skinny the next?

Amanda's new plan for the Squad is to hire a war hero to lead the villains so that they retain some kind of moral compass and direction in the field. That hero is Rick Flag! Or Rick Flag Jr! Or Rick Flag the III! However he fits in, he's fucking Rick Flag, okay? Golden boy war hero! The man who can look Deadshot right in the eye and say, "What the fuck is wrong with you? That mustache is ridiculous." Rick Flag! The man who won't wind up putting his wiener in Harley's clown car! Rick Flag! The man who Captain Boomerang once called "the biggest buzzkill this side of some place in Australia!" I don't have time to research places in Australia! Just fill that quote in if you know of one. Like maybe New Zealand?

Hmm. Maybe all those things I said about Rick Flag? I must be remembering his father.

Apparently Rick Flag is in Guantanamo Bay, charged with terrorism. But it's not true! The terrorism charge is false! It's a--oh god--false Flag! Um, so, yeah, apparently Rick Flag refused to follow a superior's order because it would get his men killed. His men were forced to follow the order anyway and they were all killed. Somebody didn't like that Rick Flag was right and they disappeared him. And now Amanda Waller is here to free him! But not for free! He still has to do what she says and lead a team of villains on reckless and dangerous missions. For the good of the US of A, of course!

Amanda gives Flag the details of Task Force X. First she starts with the most important members: Harley Quinn, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang. Sure, he's only called Boomerang since The New 52 but I'll always refer to him as Captain Boomerang since Boomerang sans Captain is part of that other universe. The one that takes place only in New York. Anyway, Amanda doesn't bother naming any of the other members because they're the ones who are likely to die. I mean, not Katana, of course. Or Killer Croc. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll find some disposable villains this time around. I trust Rob Williams to know the definition of "suicide".

Although how much can I really trust Rob Williams when the first mission he sends the Squad on is to rescue a scientist who has made a bomb that can turn off superpowers. I should probably just copy and paste the same rant into every single fucking comic book commentary I write since they all seem to use some kind of weapon that magically takes away superpowers. It's such a crutch! Although, to be fair, nobody currently on the Suicide Squad will be affected by the weapon since none of them have powers. It's just a threat to America that must be stopped before it gets used and creates another boring ass story I have to read about The Flash or Superman or Green Lantern losing their powers. So maybe I can trust Rob Williams! Maybe this is his way of saying, "My Suicide Squad is going to save the world from boring comic book tropes!" I would totally high-five Rob Williams if he were here right now and I weren't deathly allergic to giving high-fives to people older than four years old.

The scientist makes the ultimate mistake of telling the Suicide Squad that if he's captured, millions of innocent lives will be lost. Well, you know the easiest way to make sure the bad guys don't get their hands on him, right? Deadshot?

Or Boomer! Whatever!

I guess Boomer just got the plans for the bomb. Deadshot will have to deal with the scientist. Then they can dust off their hands and head back to America, heroes!

Speaking of heroes, there's an advertisement for a twice monthly Cyborg book starting in September. DC Comics is still trying to make Cyborg interesting?! Hasn't Cyborg been given enough chances?! Unless this new book is about how he's sleeping with tons of women due to his new wrist attachment, I'm not interested!

So, um, Rick Flag agrees to lead the team because it's either that or Guantanamo Bay until he dies. Go America!

The Review!
Rob Williams begins a wonderful new chapter in the history of the Suicide Squad! I can sense it! It's got all the makings of the Squad I remember. Waller alone in complete control. Rick Flag as the leader and moral compass. Deadshot and Captain Boomerang exchanging insults. Harley Qui...well, I guess some things are new. But the old Squad had Punch and Jewelee, so how different is Harley, really?! I'm looking forward to the Suicide Squad more than I have in a long time. I mean, Tim Seeley had a nice finishing run on New Suicide Squad. I could have seen him keep on keeping on with that version. But it seems like Rob Williams has a feel for the Squad. At least for the Squad I remember! And I only like things that I used to like and not things that are new!

Justice League of America #5

Martian Manhunter's silliest disguise yet.

I'd like to thank Bryan Hitch for missing his deadlines because I always love to have a story interrupt another story before it's finished. After all, my favorite book of all time is The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night! I mean, it would be my favorite book if I could ever finish it. After all, it is more than six thousand pages long. It took my about thirty years to read the last book that was six thousand pages long and that one was called Cerebus and it was mostly pictures! So I expect to finish this one sometime just before I die. Although I don't have to wait every month for the next twenty pages of Burton's Arabian Nights translation so I don't really have an excuse for not reading it much faster. I think I've written about six thousand pages in the last four years which is probably why I haven't read six thousand pages.

So while Bryan Hitch takes a winter break from writing JLA, I'm forced to read another Justice League of America story by Matt Kindt! The last one he wrote was a year long hallucination starring Martian Manhunter and Stargirl so I'm not expecting a whole lot from this story. It's being co-written by Rob Williams who seems to be doing a decent job on his Martian Manhunter comic book so maybe I can rely on him constantly reminding Matt Kindt that the Justice League of America has more than two members in it. Although I don't see how this story can have anything to do with the current story over in Martian Manhunter since this comic book features a different Superman and Batman and Hal Jordan than the ones in Martian Manhunter's DC Youniverse.

The story begins in the past at a Justice League soiree aboard the Watchtower.

Other people acting distant? Aquaman. Batman. Other people Batman doesn't trust? Superman. Cyborg. The Flash. Green Lantern. Captain Marvel. Wonder Woman. Aquaman.

I'm not sure if I used the "soiree" correctly in what we'd all think of it as the looser meaning of the term. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary just says it's a party or reception held in the evening so this probably qualifies. Although I don't think "evening" exists in orbit and I doubt you can really call a party a "party" when nobody trusts each other enough to introduce themselves to the others by their real names. I guess it could be some kind of masquerade!

The Justice League currently don't have a cat aboard the space station so Martian Manhunter has nobody to hang out with in the corner. Instead, he heads to Death Valley which just seems like a really downer of a move and a self-destructive metaphor for not fitting in. "Oh! Oh! Everybody at this party is so different! I deserve to be alone in one a place on Earth so desolate that it has 'death' in the name! Boo hoo! Nobody likes me!" I probably shouldn't be acting so snotty to J'onn since I totally get where he's coming from. Parties where you hardly know anybody suck. I'd rather stay home and mope about how I don't fit in too! At least Martian Manhunter isn't going around the satellite asking people if they want to hear his poetry. "Anybody want to hear my latest work, 'I'd Rather Walk Alone In Death Valley Than Be Stuck At A Party Speaking With Hal Jordan'?!"

After spending a few minutes pouting in Death Valley about his non-existent reason for being on Earth (except maybe to live?), he decides to go to the other extreme and visit the crowded city of Tokyo! I also realize that J'onn might actually be in all of these places at once because he's a monster. I mean a martian!

J'onn is investigating a Martian cult in Tokyo which could totally just be a weird coincidence and have nothing to do with an invasion of martians at all! What I mean to say without actually saying it because some people might get the wrong idea is that Japan is fucking weird. In the best way possible, of course! I love the fucking place! I wish I could go back but this time with instant access to the language so that I could go in that secret club that was probably full of crazy sex but the bouncer at the door wouldn't let me in! He asked me, "Do you speak Japanese?" And when I admitted that I did not, he responded by saying, "Too bad for you!" What a tease! What awesome experience did my penis miss out on?!

Fucking martians! Breaking human hearts left and right and then probably eating them.

J'onn tracks down Thoth who insists on being called the UnNamed. He really should stick with Thoth since The UnNamed reminds me of The Untitled which reminds me of Scott Lobdell which reminds me of vomiting in my mouth and up into my sinus cavity.

The UnNamed turns out to be J'onn's ultimate Batman villain. He is the mirror image of J'onn if J'onn had made worse choices. They are both the last of their kind and they are both extremely lonely. Except The UnNamed has chosen to feel less lonely by murdering people and stealing their thoughts while J'onn has chosen to feel less lonely by making people fall in love with him and their crushing their dreams. It's possible J'onn is the actual villain here!

J'onn must be rattled from trying to enter The UnNamed's mind since he thinks "I'm not even sure if he has corporeal form to hit" as J'onn is flying through the wall after being punched by The UnNamed's corporeal form. Maybe this is so far in the past that J'onn just hasn't boned up on his detective skills yet. He's still too enmeshed in his emo poetry.

J'onn defeats The UnNamed by using some trick or something that involves nearly lobotomizing an old man. The UnNamed served its purpose and now J'onn knows that he is a weapon and that, ultimately, he's meant to destroy. So maybe now he'll set up his web of alternate personalities in his search to discover the truth of his existence? Is this sort of a Martian Manhunter Issue #0?

Beneath Death Valley, J'onn builds a vault to store all of his knowledge in some kind of sand and rock computer. Just like our computers which are like made of silicon or something. I might have that wrong because I spent most of my college years bitching about how Walt Whitman should try maybe writing shorter poems rather than learning anything useful.

Justice League of America #5 Rating: No change. Once again, Matt Kindt writes an issue of Justice League of America that's only stars Martian Manhunter! I bet Matt Kindt is the kind of guy who answers the door on Halloween and greets a bunch of kids expecting candy and instead punches them all in the face. I suppose DC's answer to writers running late on titles now is to just preempt the comic book with a story from another series? "Hey, you Justice League fans! We know you wanted to read about the Justice League but instead here's a commercial for our other comic book you may not have heard about called Martian Manhunter! Why don't you pick that one up too?!" This was a good story but it didn't fucking belong in this comic book! So my review of this comic book is "Fuck you, DC, because now whenever I answer the door on Halloween and see some kid dressed as a DC superhero, I'm probably going to punch them in the face." I hope the Raging At Matt Kindt Writing Justice League Books Starring Only Martian Manhunter Defense will be as successful as that Twinkie Defense!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #1

I'm glad they throw that "Batman" above the "Shadow of the Bat" title. I wouldn't want to accidentally buy a Man-Bat comic book.

Judging by the covers of the Convergence comic books for this week, the main city being focused on will be Post-Crisis or Pre-Zero Hour or Post-Zero Hour Metropolis. I guessed Metropolis simply because this week has Superboy, Supergirl, and Steel. But this cover kind of gives it away anyway with Batman Azrael jumping past the Daily Planet.

I guess with one of the comics being "Green Lantern/Parallax," I should have firmed up my vote for Pre-Zero Hour. But even though there's about ten years between Crisis and Zero Hour, Post-Crisis and Pre-Zero Hour are still kind of the same chunk of the DC Universe, you know?

Oh boy! The original WildC.A.T.s! I hope all of the writers remembered to give them horrible dialogue and all of the artists remembered to draw too many lines and pouches on them! And I think all of them should have at least one shiny or scarred or eyepatch-covered eye! Maybe that was just the X-men when Liefeld was drawing it. Or am I thinking about X-factor? Does it matter as long as there is an "X" at the front of it?

Let me get this straight, Narrator. A place doesn't begin to truly exist until it's been gentrified? I think some people might call it an ending too. And even though you've covered your ass by mentioning its a warehouse district that's been gentrified and not a lower economic district, that's still an ending to a lot of people because why do you think an area gets gentrified? Sure, low property value. But you also need buzz, incentive, and word of mouth to get people to move to the area. So my guess is that these "warehouses" were being used as cheap lofts for artists and a thriving art scene was beginning in this area. And then developers got cartoon money signs in their eyes and the artists were gone soon after. And now it's just a shallow, hollow representation of something that had previously had a real community and a soul.

Currently on the edge of Metropolis where everything is ending, Bruce Wayne is being threatened by Tobias Whale. He's Wilson Fisk's uglier, more bloatedly corpselike cousin. Tobias leaves Bruce to be beaten by his henchman, Johnny New Guy. I guess Johnny New Guy needs a nickname so they're going to see how he tortures Bruce Wayne to see what might stick. Johnny Popsicle Stick? Johnny Toothy Blow Job? Johnny Aggressive Rim Job? Easily Bribed Johnny?

Turns out he already has a nickname: Azrael! Ugh! I hope he gets killed before he has a chance to continue to exist in the DC Universe. He always reminded me of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch. I just wanted to stick a javelin up Oliver's ass and post him on the front lawn as a warning to future television show writers. I'm not going to defend The Brady Bunch as a powerhouse landmark television show but who the fuck decided the show was more interesting by introducing an annoying little albino troll into it? Staked right next to Cousin Oliver would be Andy from Family Ties and Olivia from The Cosby Show (although she might have used her psychic powers to see me coming and gotten away). Apparently introducing a small child into a series works or else why keep doing it? I guess there's a television watching demographic that only watches shows with totally adorable children in them OH MY GOD they say the cutest scripted things!

Oh! Maybe I should get a cute kid mascot for my site! I wonder if my niece Kameila would take the gig?

Bruce Wayne wants to team up with Val-Jean-Paul Saint Whatever but Azrael is worried that Batman won't let him kill if it comes down to it. Oh, don't worry about that, Jean-Paul! As long as Batman tells you he disapproves of killing and forbids you to kill, you can still kill when the time for killing comes around. As long as Batman doesn't get his hands bloody directly, he's pretty much okay with it. He might give you all kinds of stink eye about it but what's he going to do? Kill you?

Jean-Paul agrees to work with Bruce Wayne and then beats the shit out of him anyway. For, as Bruce puts it, "verisimilitude"! That should be my constant status: "Grunion Guy is feeling verisimilitudinous!" So Jean-Paul beats him down and earns the nickname Johnny "Careful Not To Hurt A Guy's Spine."

Did Larry Hama just get a thesaurus for Easter?

Maybe he would have been better off with a style guide.

I know I'm not winning any editorial awards for my use of punctuation but that's part of the Grunion Guy style (like overusing parenthetical references (and eschewing em dashes (and not knowing how to use regular dashes (or periods (or all the punctuation, actually))))). But a double period?! Even for comedic effect, I would never journey into that heart of darkness! I know one rule and by God I will never break that one rule! Even right now when it would make me laugh by ending this sentence with a double period.

I hope some of you got the double period joke at the end of that last sentence!

Tobias Whale wants Bruce to prove himself by using his political influence to find out the route the food convoy will take for its next delivery. Bruce Wayne agrees and heads off to use his political influence on Erasmus Hall.

Or he'll just stand around as Val-Jean threatens the man for the information.

I just realized I have as much political influence as Bruce Wayne! I can also stand in the background as somebody else threatens a politician to do what they want! Yay for the machinations of politics! I wish somebody had gotten me a thesaurus for Easter so I can know if I used "machinations" right! Maybe I should have stuck with my original line, "the cyborgs of politics!"

Holy shit! Don't mention cake in front of Tobias! Not in this post-cake climate!

Tobias is happy that they now know the route but he's worried that Erasmus Hall will get a "pang of conscience" and go back on his deal. So he does the typical thing that mobsters do to make sure somebody working for them isn't a cop: they ask the guy to kill somebody for them. Tobias Whale isn't a very good mobster. Didn't he just bring Bruce Wayne on to use Bruce's political influence? Shouldn't he trust that Bruce Wayne's political influence (we all understand that every time I type "political influence," I actually mean "money," right?) has placed Erasmus Hall in their pocket? If he's just going to threaten and kill politicians, why the fuck does he need Bruce Wayne? I think The Whale is just toying with Bruce and Val-Jean-Jean-Val.

It turns out Whale already had his goons throw Erasmus off of a building after Bruce and Johnny-Paul's meeting. It's all over the news which is playing in the background of their mobster meeting because this is a comic book. Rule One of comic books is that a television set must always be nearby tuned to the local news.

This is an absolutely fair representation of the media. "Your husband is dead, miss! How does that make you feel? What's your daughter crying for? Is she sad at the bloody passing of her father?"

I know that what I'm doing doesn't mean anything and it isn't making the world a better place. But it isn't actively making the world a worse place either (unless you're Scott Lobdell's mother and then I'm truly sorry, ma'am, that your son is so awful at writing that it turns me into the werewolf version of my usual cheery, comic book reviewing self). But television reporters generally can't say that. They intrude on people's lives in a desperate attempt to get more viewers and more fame and more recognition and more money for their outlet. And what truly drives me crazy? They think they're doing the country or state or local community a service. And they truly think everybody is dying to get interviewed by them and appear on local television. Which is why I love that "Fuck her right in the pussy" guy because he shits all over their pretentious bullshit. Newscasters get so fucking offended when somebody doesn't take their on the street reporting seriously.

Come on, Grunion Guy! Pull back on the throttle! That's it! That's it! Whew. Recovered! Talking about "journalism" or "media" or "local news" always sends me into a tailspin from which I seldom recover and wind up writing the same rant over and over again. How many times do I need to bitch about the state of news media and journalism? I suppose I wouldn't care so much if they realized they're not doing anything but trying to make money. It's the attitude that they think they're needed that irks the fuck out of me. That boring ass BBC chap on PBS is about the only newsperson I can watch without completely freaking the fuck out and scaring the cat.

Larry Hama. Enough! Give me that thesaurus right now!

I'm beginning to think maybe Larry Hama had a crazy mother that told him to "get thee to an OED!"

For being the World's Greatest Detective, maybe Bruce needs to do a little soul detecting on himself. He thinks he's Bruce Wayne and not The Batman? Laughable! And sad! He just sounds like that girl that protests too much in that Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I think it was Peppermint Patty?

Batman and Azrael are waiting to stop Tobias's hijacking of the food convoy. Azrael leaps off the building when the trucks arrive while Batman carefully takes the stairs.

This is the denouement? When did I miss the climax?! Also, I didn't realize Road Warrior was an hour and a half of denouement!

Batman is going to kick himself for having that nagging broken back because a lot of innocent people die while he's taking the stairs. The Whale's plan was to kill the convoy's protection and then kill the drivers of the trucks. After that, his team would hook the trucks up to tow trucks to haul them away. I don't like that plan. He should have hired some helicopters with gigantic magnets underneath to catch the trucks and fly them back to his compound!

That's "another think coming," lady. I guess Larry Hama didn't get a book of sayings to go along with the thesaurus and the OED.

I know people say "another thing coming" so much that it's basically the accepted version of the saying now. Even Judas Priest got it wrong and we know how scholarly they usually attempt to be in their lyrics. The other saying I can't help but mention when I pedantically correct somebody getting this one wrong is the "music soothes the savage beast" line. It's breast. "Soothe the savage breast." Lesson ended! Mic not dropped because nobody actually fucking cares about this petty shit. Fuck, even I don't really care! Say whatever you want! What do I care? In another ten years, I probably won't even be able to communicate with the next generation!

Batman confronts Tobias Whale and I'm pretty sure there's some Moby Dick references here but I wouldn't know having never read it. I think it's about a white whale who is drinking buddies with a guy named Ahab who rides around on a gay luxury liner making outfits out of whale dick skin.

Dammit, Bruce! You should have said, "I'm tired of your repartee, so I'm going to end your partay!" Plus I would have gone with the "BLAMMO!" sound effect.

While Whale is busy getting punched in the face, he's also busy watching Azrael kill his henchmen. That way he can say to Batman, "You're practically a murderer because you're teamed up with a murderer! In your face!" And Batman is all, "Eww! Why I'll...actually, I don't care. None of my business if other vigilantes are murderers. As long as they kill people who have, at least, just slightly broken the law. Those miscreants deserve it!"

The next big battle is Batman trying to talk Val-Jean out of murdering the last of The Whale's henchmen. She head butts Azrael's helmet and screams, "Butt out, Bat-creep." That, apparently, is too much for Azrael and now he just has to murder her. How can he not? If he doesn't kill her now, the terrorists win. Plus if he lets her live, he might be sent into an existential quandary which will cause him to start singing "Who Am I?"

Planet Brainiac decides it would be a good time to explain the rules of the upcoming contest. Batman wants to try to stop the battle from happening but Azrael just wants an excuse to punch things in the face and then to put a bullet in that face too. They don't know it yet but their opponents are two WildC.A.T.s, Jester and Pilgrim. They have metal chins and sketchy appearances. Pilgrim can "time-slip" because she's probably named after Billy Pilgrim which is like totally smart and shit. You know it's super smart because even that kid in that movie about football, Varsity Blues, was reading Slaughterhouse Five which totally showed how his character was smart and shit. The other WildC.A.T. is named "Jester" because he either pilots jets or says brutally truthful things to people without fear of reprisal.

One more opponent will apparently appear next issue because reality shifts right at the end of the comic book in such a way that even Batman can feel it even though I don't know where he developed his "reality shift detection training." I bet it's Pariah! Or Kingdom Come Spectre! Those are my only two guesses because I can't remember enough about Crisis and Kingdom Come to make any others. I can name characters and seem like I remember stuff though! Lady Quark! Harbinger! Magog!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #1 Rating: The art in this issue was that weird kind of sort of realistic art that doesn't quite do it for me kind of art, you know? And the story was that kind of recycled undercover infiltration kind of story that's kind of tired and overdone, right? And it didn't even need to be in this! It's almost as if Larry Hama decided a few pages in that the undercover shit wasn't really going anywhere so he just put the heroes in costumes and let them go toe to toe with The Whale. Although since the WildC.A.T.s time-slipped, maybe their knowledge of the undercover personas of Bruce Wayne and Jean Val-Jean will come into play next issue. I would find that acceptable! Since I have nothing left to say about this comic book, here is a cartoon about some bats that live the Batman philosophy of life.

Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

For a few weeks now, HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea has been down. All pirate broadcasts have been blocked. The only stations left to listen to in Old York are Realfeel™ Sphincters "Go Go DC Comics Happy Super Show," Marvel Moguls Inc's 24 hour gabfest, "Your Fans Are the Worst," and Dynamite Jizzbang's "News of the Moment." Two out of those three stations being aural trainwrecks, most of those still in Old York choose to listen to Dynamite Jizzbang's "News of the Moment."

"And we're back, ya twat guzzlers. Put off the clit pickling for two cumjuggling seconds and listen to the latest ass slapping exclusive fire report from 'News of the Moment.' Half of our beautifully shaved mons veneris of a city is up in rectum pounding flames as I speak (and masturbate slowly under the desk, you naughty, naughty listeners). But don't get your labias twisted, girls! It seems the jagged-nail fingerbanging fires are being contained in that pussy fart section of Old York known as the Cheap Seats. If that beautiful big-O wind keeps blowing and licking and teasing in the manner it's doing now, us residents in Upper Manhating shouldn't have to pluck a nipple hair about it. It's business as usual and the usual business is fucking. So pop those pills, pussy eaters, and relax because right now we've got a tongue lashing entertainment report on DC Comic's latest erectile dysfunction, Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People. Here's Peon Mia Zadora with the review."

"Thanks, Shyrral. What woman has ever actually known an 'infinity man?' Please motherfucker! They might not all be Two Pump Chumps but even if they are down to pound, you know they'll still be a No-O Gigolo, right ladies? Go ahead, keep pounding that flaccid little wee wee into my golden hole hoping it don't fall out and expose your inability to keep from pleasing yourself before you please me. As if I didn't already know you'd gone soft. Even if your flaccid hog is big enough to feel inside me, I still had to watch that stupid look come across your face that was a mix of terror, pleasure, and homophobia as you realized you just came inside me while thinking about baseball stats. Is it no wonder women prefer women? They don't have some useless tool they can't stand owning and not using even though, in most cases, it's the wrong fucking tool for the job. You know when you go to hammer in a nail, you don't pound the surface an inch or two beneath the fucking nail, right? Just drop the fucking hammer and get out the socket wrench, bitch. I got me a chubby little screw needs torquing.

"This issue of Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People is called 'Before I Wake' and was written by Dan DiDio and Keith Giffen, so you know it's going to be overblown man-pap full of pseudo-profound dialogue and over-reaching bullscat narration."

"Ugh. It's like they just want me to watch them masturbate."

"The issue begins with Mark 'I can't please Dreamer so she constantly dreams about Darkseid's apokoliptic cock' Moonrider waking up from a nightmare and needing to be consoled by Dreamer."

"Fucking scrotum. How does he not know what to do with that? I'm wet just thinking about how ineffectual and inept he is."

"For those of you who doubted the brain within this panties dropping physique, Moonrider and Dreamer soon begin engaging in that pseudo-profound dialogue I mentioned would be filling this book. What they should be engaging in is a post-coma rage fuck. I know, I know: this isn't a Dynamite Jizzbang comic. I don't how anybody can read this bile. What's the opposite of engorged because that's what's going on downstairs at my party palace right now. I think this book has turned my cunt into a new space-time phenomenon where time has stretched out to massive boredom and space has been relegated to a tiny, parched, shriveled singularity that used to be a loving oasis of full of endlessly running waters and squooshy exotic fruits."

"The dialogue if this were a Dynamite Jizzbang comic: 'You're coming and not coming. The only place where fucking and not fucking can coexist.' 'You're talking about God's asshole.'"

"Dreamer goes on to explain to the reader what the Cadmus Singularity is and to tie it into DC Continuity because fuck forbid a story doesn't somehow tie itself into every other story in the DC Universe, thus assuring that the most clumsy and horribly written title of the tethered together bunch pulls them all from the mountain when it falls. Hmm, that was unlike me. That metaphor wasn't sexy at all! I'm sure I could have turned it into some kind of analogy about an impotent asshole at a massive orgy with the biggest cumguzzling leg-spreaders on the planet. Fuck it, the moment is gone!"

"Umf. With shots like this, how can I keep my hands out of my panties? Oh, who am I kidding? When is the last time I wore underwear? Whoops, excuse me. I meant 'panties.' I'm contractually obligated to call my underwear 'panties.'"

"I know it's hard to believe, but there is more going on in that panel than huge fucking tits. See how Dreamer is holding his arm and pulling him away from whatever he's looking at? When that happens, who says, 'Don't walk away from me?' Maybe 'Let me go, you fucking spooge spitter.'

"After this scene, guess what happens? Something else that never happens in Dynamite Jizzbang comics! That fucking man gets physical with Dreamer. Sure, most of the Dynamite Jizzbang comics take place in a universe where all men have been eradicated. But they do publish the occasional Alternaworlds story where men and women interact. But you'll never see a man that thinks he can touch a woman any fucking way he wants. Perhaps a moment like this might happen now and again at Jizzbang, but that man doesn't live longer than that fucking panel where he touched that woman against her will. But even those stories can get needlessly rape cultury, so they're mostly frowned upon. Easiest way to destroy the rape culture was to get rid of the men. Okay, sure, women still occasionally rape other women in Dynamite Jizzbang comics but it's done in really fucking sexy ways where nobody feels threatened and everybody gets really turned on. And it never involves any kind of penetration because that would be wrong and disgusting. And it always ends in orgasms for the victim who actually really wanted to be turned on to lesbianism but was just too shy and timid to give it a try without a little push."

"Such a man thing to say."

"I kind of lose interest as I read because there just isn't enough female on female oral sex and/or rimjobs happening on-panel. Plus, it turns out Moonrider died a long time ago and now Dreamer is spending her life sleeping so she can dream him into existence. Fuck you, DC Comics. She's a powerful woman that has her own life to live and you think it's somehow romantic that she would live her life for a man that isn't even real? Even if he was real, fuck him. He's an asshole. He betrayed the team. He says he loves Dreamer but acts in ways counter to that statement. Eat my twat, dicks. No, don't. Stay away from my beautiful flower of power and go slam your testes in a car door. The only good thing about this comic book is the shots of Dreamer's cleavage and her just barely covered ass. Sometimes a girl just wants to feel sexy without having naked woman parts shoved directly into her mouth. And this book had just the right amount of titillation for a nice slow soak with a glass of wine that may or may not end up in a sensual self-rubdown and possible date with a running bathtub faucet. That's it for News of the Moment's Entertainment Report. Back to Shyrral."

"Thanks for that, Peon Mia. We have some fast pounding breaking news for you! It seems, somehow, HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea has broken through the pirate radio jammer and has begun her heavy vibrational show once again. This statement probably isn't the feelings of Dynamite Jizzbang comics but I think I need to say it: Fuck me, I love her fucking show. Way to go, Goggles! Bring it all back!"

"Meanwhile, those ass pounding fires I warned you that you didn't need to be warned about? You probably need to be warned about them. I'm as serious as a vibrator. Looks like Upper Manhating needs to evacuate. This'll be the last warning from me because Peon and I are getting the fuck gone right now!"

Batman Loves Superman's Annual #1

Steel doesn't look like he's enjoying this brutal beating too much.

I hope Batman and Superman finally consummate their relationship in this Annual. The fans have waited long enough. Time for Superman to drop those drawers, bend over, and accept the Batpenis.

We may be in luck! The issue begins with one of them French sexual positions.

Too bad it's just Mongul's French fantasy of Frenchiness. He's dreaming of this potential three way while Batman and Superman watch via the visual monitor Superman set up to spy on his prisoners in The Phantom Zone. Batman takes Superman to task for not giving Mongul a proper trial and Superman takes Batman to task for taking him to task. This causes Batman to take Superman to task for taking him to task for taking Superman to task. What happens next is a true shocker! Superman winds up taking Batman to task for taking Superman to task for taking Batman to task for taking Superman to task! But it doesn't end there! This pattern goes on for fifty or sixty years until Batman dies of old age and Superman dances on his grave.

Of course Batman is one of those assholes that insists on playing Devil's Advocate for everybody's own good.

Hey, you fucking Devil's Advocate sons of bitches! Not everybody needs you to challenge their beliefs just to make sure they've thought them through! You're being an insulting dick by assuming that you're the only one that considers anything. Knock it the fuck off, you asshole. Nobody likes you. Nobody.

Pretty soon, Mongul's son Jokey arrives with Warworld to avenge his father and punish the Earth. He encounters Superman first and asks if he's the one that defeated his father. Superman tugs at his collar, swallows hard, and says, "Well, not the only one! That Bat guy is to blame too! If you really need to destroy something to feel better, may I suggest Gotham City? Don't tell anybody I said this but it really is a pit."

Instead of grabbing Jokey by the throat and throwing him out of the solar system, Superman says, "You have two minutes to leave." Jokey checks his watch and says, "Earth minutes or Warworldian Computational Bitpoints?" Unless what Jokey actually says is, "Let's not fight on Earth because, unlike you, I don't want to hurt any humans or damage any of your buildings. But I would like to kick that Batguy's ass as well. So why don't you guys pack a lunch and meet me on Warworld tomorrow. Bring some family members along. We'll make a day of dealing death." Superman readily agrees for everyone because fuck that asshole Batman and his Batfamily and their stupid desires.

Superman and Batman are not killers. No matter what their opponent is up to, they always try to figure out a way to stop them without ending their lives. Sure, maybe Batman gets a little out of hand sometimes and nearly kills them. And maybe Superman doesn't have a problem locking them away in The Phantom Zone for eternity without a fair trial. But at least they're not breaking the letter of their ethical law! They never actually stop a heartbeat! They're pure as the driven snow and shit! Except now that they're facing Jokey, Son of Mongul, Inheritor of Warworld, they're beginning to equivocate. Superman chooses Supergirl but kind of makes sure that Wonder Woman is around so that Wonder Woman can tell Supergirl to kill if she needs to because Superman won't. And Batman heads off to bring along Red Hood because he knows Red Hood will kill if he needs to and Batman might decide to look the other way this time. So good job, Greg Pak! You really know how to make these characters shine!

Superman's second choice is Steel and Batman's second choice is Batgirl. So maybe they're second choices are actually to keep their first choices in line. That way if their first choices actually do kill Jokey, Son of Mongul, they can blame their second choices for failing to control their first choices and thus blame the killing on everybody else.

Why you gotta make Batman look like a naive jerk, Greg Pak? Batman didn't lose Jason Todd because he didn't realize the danger they were constantly in! Batman lost Jason Todd precisely because fucking Jason Todd didn't listen to Batman's warnings like this one! What a dick.

Krypto arrives to remind everybody that good things still happen, like Superboy dying. So they all buck up, ignore the fact that Superman points out how most of them are going to die on this mission but he's not going to physically stop them from coming along anyway, and head to Warworld.

And so everyone arrives at Warworld feeling slightly more Rocaforty than before. Things go a bit sideways once on board Warworld because they're having elections for the leader of Warworld and Jokey, Son of Mongul, doesn't have time to kill Batman and Superman now. Instead, Jokey teams up with Batman and Red Hood to fight for leadership of Warworld. And since Batman and Red Hood are mere humans, Supergirl decides she, Kal, and Krypto should also form a team to fight to lead Warworld. Which is probably why they're all battling on the cover.

Meanwhile, Steel and Batgirl have infiltrated Warworld's computer server room and are getting busy with a little high tech sabotage.

Surprising nobody, The Bat-Family winds up facing the Super-Family in the final round. The only problem is that the final round is a fight to the death. I'm sure they'll think of something. Although Greg Pak has already killed them in the previous Toymaker story arc, so maybe he'll do it again. Death comes easy to these heroes because it never really sticks.

Luckily Jokey, Son of Mongul, is allowed to kill. And he chooses to kill the judges of the competition. Hmm. Why don't they do this during the Superbowl? Take out the refs early and anything goes!

Chaos erupts because how can anybody ever be leader of a world where to become leader you just kill the current leader? Everybody on Warworld wants to be leader so they just keep killing each other. Superman and the others escape as Warworld plummets to the Earth with everyone on board massacring each other. Superman gently guides it into The Phantom Zone because that's becoming a really nasty habit. It's like sweeping dirt under a rug because there's a dimensional rift under the rug. Does Superman figure he can deal with all of his problems this way? And when Jokey is killed by Mongul inside The Phantom Zone, is Superman not just a little bit responsible for that? Superman even knew that Jokey was, at the end, a reasonably good guy and he still decides to confine him to an eternal prison filled with madmen and murderers.

Batman Loves Superman's Annual #1 Rating: At this point, I suspect Superman really is a threat to Humankind. If he's just going to start packing everybody he thinks is evil into The Phantom Zone on his own say so, then he's become the despotic madman that Batman has always feared. He is the dictator that does whatever he thinks is right to secure he peace. He's become Darth Vader!

A.R.G.U.S. #1

Wasn't Team 7 cancelled?

You know why people aren't that into the Agents of SHIELD television show? Of course you do. Why would I think you didn't? I actually kind of like the show. Although it isn't a must watch show and it sits on my ChannelMaster for weeks before I decide to watch an episode. The ChannelMaster is the DVR for people that don't have Cable or Satellite television. That's right. I only watch television shows that enter my house through the aether. Or ones that are on Netflix streaming. I also purchase Mad Men and Walking Dead on Xbox video so I can keep current on those shows when they're on. But the point I was making was that nobody wants to read a comic book with a bunch of normal people using guns to solve their problems.

Whoever just snorted and scoffed, "What about The Punisher?" can eat S-H-I-T because Frank Castle is far from a normal person! My only hope is that one of the members of A.R.G.U.S. dies each issue.

I forget what ARGUS stands for! American Regiment Given Unforgiving Suppositories? Oh wait! I remember that it should be ARGUSH because it's Something Something Something Uniting Super Heroes! But what they're really doing is keeping their hundred Argussian eyes on the world!

I just glanced at the cover again and I already hate every member of this team.

The issue begins with some mysterious flaming hand speaking with somebody off-panel about how they're going to blind ARGUS's "all-seeing eye." Actually, they have one hundred eyes. But I guess he's riffing off the logo, so I shouldn't be such a didactic "actually" nerd. If Argus has 100 eyes, does that mean the team (which I was politely reminded on the first page is Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans which means I scored 30*% on that quiz!) is set up to have fifty members? I like that! I hope that's the way it is! That way there are fifty members that can be killed during this miniseries! Actually probably more like forty nine since Agent Gunn can't be killed in this series. He has to die in the pages of Vibe doing something heroic! And I don't think Amanda Waller counts. She's like the body of the beast. Mostly the dick.

On page two, the story continues six years ago with Steve Trevor crashing on Paradise Island. I already forgot that Steve Trevor was a member of ARGUS! And that must be his crazy ass grin on the cover. You know, that's the most personality I've seen out of him since The New 52 began!

I'm surprised that Wonder Woman's outfit is straight from Themyscira. I guess it's just a coincidence that it's got the American motif.

That's as much of the initial meeting between Diana and Steve we get. I was hoping for a bit more but this story isn't that story. Speaking of this story, who the hell was that guy with the flaming hand?! The only clue we were given was that his Headquarters was located "somewhere." It might not be a "he" either but his poorly manicured thumb nail and over-sized thumb joint make me suspect male. And even though the other voice was from an off-panel speech bubble, I read it in a woman's voice. Not out loud! But in my head! The way a person reads! It's only a rumor that I act out each comic book in the nude via interpretive dance in front of my life-sized Scott Lobdell cutout.

What rival organizations exist in the DC Universe that would want to fuck with ARGUS? The Blackhawks (aka the Blackrazors)? SHADE (Some Horrible Acronym Deemed Excellent)? Task Force X (although why would Waller want to blind her other group?)? Checkmate (who hasn't been seen in quite some time!)? AMMO (who?)? NOWHERE? I bet it's SHADE since SHADE and ARGUS were forming a cooperative investigative unit in the pages of Forever Evil. Or Trinity War. One of those.

Oh shut up! Who invited you to this comic book? I hate you!

What a surprise! Madame Xanadu exclaims, "I can see the future!" and then tells somebody else to do something for her. When is some skeptic going to come along and bust her ass, exposing her for the manipulative phony she is! She tells Zatanna to send Steve away back when The Crime Syndicate appeared. But before Zatanna casts her hugely complicated spell of "DNES EVETS YAWA!", Madame Xanadu tells Steve to seek out the truth and that this world depends on it. Typical fortune teller! Giving out vague advice. Go to hell.

Since The Crime Syndicate arrived and Steve Trevor woke up at the beginning of this comic book, The Secret Society of Super Villains has been busy killing every member of ARGUS they could find.

That's a bigger body count than I expected for one issue! But it doesn't count since none of the dead were introduced to the reader first! But that still leaves two dozen left to meet and mourn!

Steve Trevor and his coworker Candy Etta get a message that the White House is under attack by Deathstroke. I wonder how much Slade is getting paid? He doesn't kill for free, you know! Trevor runs off to stop him which is a stupid idea because Steve Trevor is just this guy, you know? And Slade Wilson is like OH MY GOD! and then you're just dead. I say the fight will be over in two panels! Steve Trevor steps onto the White House lawn and then the second panel is just black. Because it's from Steve's point of view. And his new point of view is dead.

Here's a little flashback to lengthen the amount of pages until Steve Trevor is dead from a severe sword cut through the neck.

The Secret Origin of ARGUS!

I really like the one page origin story of ARGUS. It's simple. It contains some nice, conversational dialogue relating to the importance of the matter at hand. It's believable. Trevor would do this not because it's a program for spying on the Super Heroes but because it's a program proving they're trustworthy. Trevor also accepts because ARGUS will be the last line of defense if the super heroes have fallen. Which really just means they'll throw their bodies at whatever killed the super heroes so that the president can get in his emergency shuttle and hyperwarp into his Safe Room located somewhere in The Bleed.

After all of my Team 7 talk, I actually forgot that Slade and Steve worked together in that group. I suppose it's because Steve Trevor didn't actually get as much face time in that book as I thought he was going to get when it began. I think the creators forgot about him until Issue Nine or Ten. Which was too bad since it was cancelled at Issue Eight. So the fact that they once worked together means the fight lasts a little longer than I thought. Because they have to reminisce and shit.

I'm fairly certain Trevor's legs are tied up with two tails. So you know what that means! Snake penis!

Ha! I was sort of correct about the fight lasting two panels! The above page was the first actual panel of the fight. Then the very next panel on the next page, Candy's Bio-Bracelet informs her that Steve Trevor has flatlined. Ha ha!

And then Doctor Light's Light Ghost appears to haunt the remains of the ARGUS installation. I guess he wasn't as secure in Heaven as he seemed in the pages of The Phantom Stranger. But he gave away his light power in that comic book to give to his wife! I guess that means he's just using the normal ghost powers to haunt Candy and the other agents.

A.R.G.U.S. #1 Rating: I will begin this comic book between Justice League of America and Action Comics. It's much better than the current Action Comics but reminds me of Justice League of America because they both have Steve Trevor in them. I liked quite a few moments in this comic book which is good because I don't really care about ARGUS at all! Also Wonder Woman looked super cute. Is that the only important thing about Wonder Woman? That she looks super cute? Yes, probably.

Eclipso #1

I suppose the Purple Diamond just doesn't sound very frightening.

Can you believe there are people out there that really like this character? They're probably the same kind of jerks that like The Creeper too! And Jack Kirby's Demon! Whoever likes those characters is probably the most boring person in the world.

Ha ha! Just kidding, jenstansfield's husband! I hope I made you cry! I mean didn't make you cry! Whatever. What do I care? Your wife calls me Cunty McDickhole.

Speaking of The Creeper and The Demon, I sense a theme with these characters! They're people taken over by other creatures who do horrible and monstrous things! I deduced that all by myself without Lord Google's help or anything! And then after returning to normal, Jason Blood/Jack Ryder/Bruce GordonGordon Jacobs get to look shocked and play innocent and point out how it's not their fault (of course The Creeper wasn't always this way). No wonder somebody would look up to these characters! They get away with anything they want and then blame it on some fictional "evil side."

jenstansfield: "Who ate the last piece of cake I was saving for when I finished off these last three bottles of wine?!"
The Husband: "What? I don't know! How odd!"
jenstansfield: "Why is there red frosting all over your Jack Kirby Demon t-shirt that Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea covets?!"
The Husband: "Oh my! How did that get there? I did have a dream of a dank beast huddled in the corner of the kitchen in the dark tearing into a great big fuzzy cake."
jenstansfield: "Fuzzy? Oh my god! Where is Leela?!"

I should read Eclipso now that I've creeped jenstansfield out with my knowledge of her I've gleaned from her Tumblr. I mean, now that my dark, evil, monstrous half did all of that stalkery weird crap just for a joke dialogue that was probably a spot on rendition of her life at home. Especially the drinking part!

I should put all of my Followers' names into a hat and draw one out to write about each commentary! Except who has a big enough hat for that?

Disgraced physicist Gordon Jacobs has hidden himself away in his home due to his Solar City project ending up in disaster. If it's anything like his old Who's Who entry then he became Eclipso and destroyed it himself. If it's different than that then he probably just got drunk and leaned up against a solar tower that wasn't properly secured and knocked the entire city down like a bunch of dominoes. But now he's just received a package with a Black Diamond in it and he believes it's his cure. For either alcoholism or Eclipsoitis. I can't be sure which.

How is he supposed to let you out, little Eclipso? Cut out a paper moon and hold up to block the sun? Now I want to download that song.

I don't repeatedly watch movies very often but I've probably seen Paper Moon about six hundred times. I'm probably exaggerating. It's probably closer to twelve. But that hardly sounds like a lot so I had to pad my case for being the biggest fan of that movie ever! I really like that part where the guy does that grift and the little girl smokes and swears a lot. So good.

Gordon acts surprised at the little talking demon in the diamond. I think Gordon was working with Black Diamond dust to control the raging impulses of inmates in Arkham. I might be mixing up some characters since Team 7 was so long ago. But since Gordon thinks the Diamond can help him, he must at least know of the research with it. And maybe he's suffering from mental illness and he just flew into a rage at the Solar City unveiling. Whatever he knows about the Black Diamond, he certainly didn't know about Eclipso until this moment. And he's going to get to know a lot more about him when Ultraman shoves the moon in front of the sun.

Eclipso explaining the beginning of creation in the only way that Dan DiDio knows how to make a story sound profound and important.

The first time I spoke with a little man in a crystal, I instantly believed everything he said and became a believer in God on the spot. Of course he told me God was an Ewok. But why should I doubt him? He gave me evidence of God by making words out of sounds! That alone should be a proof of God! How could evolution produce vocal cords that just happen to be able to pronounce the words of every language? What are the chances?!

Next comes a double-page spread and I realize why Dan DiDio took over writing duties for this issue. It's because he has to tie all of the Black Diamond Probability stories together so that they make some kind of sense. Although that crossover actually already made sense. Which is weird. Maybe it's because Scott Lobdell wasn't a part of it. Although I'm fairly certain he takes a shot at Ann Nocenti.

See? He's saying his time with Catwoman was so ridiculous that it brought him close to despair! I think we all know how you feel, Eclipso.

Eclipso convinces Gordon to cut himself with the diamond as Bennett (Gordon's ex-fiance's father who financed Solar City or something) drives up to his residence out in a fairly excluded area. Which is weird because I'm fairly certain Dr. Gordon Jacobs received the Black Diamond in Gotham City in a scene from a comic book title I can't remember. The scene in this issue where the Black Diamond is delivered seems to be a rewrite of that but I just can't remember what comic it was in. Oh no wait! I got it! Totally different.

Catwoman #16 has Trip (Catwoman's fence and manager for a few issues) delivering the Black Diamond to the home of "Bruce Gordon" where it's accepted by a man named Alex Montez. Those are both the names of characters that have been Eclipso's host. I guess DiDio didn't like that direction and maybe that's a bit of a hint as to why Eclipso feared he would never find the right person because Alex Montez was a likely candidate having hosted him in the Preboot Universe and since Montez was the man who did the experiments at Arkham with the Diamond. Maybe it was Alex Montez that sold this bit of Black Diamond to Gordon Jacobs via eBay after he decided to go another direction with his experiments at Arkham.

As Bennett approaches Gordon's house, Ultraman pushes the moon in front of the sun. Eclipso kills Bennett while Gordon flips the fuck out over this sour deal from inside Eclipso's mind. Apparently Gordon never read Faust. Or saw Little Shop of Horrors. Because now he's stuck with his little devil as it whispers things it can give Gordon if only Gordon does as it says. And thus Gordon decides to hold off on getting rid of Audrey II the Black Diamond.

Eclipso #1 Rating: Maybe as a solitary, stand-alone issue, I'd have thought this was okay. But it has Dan DiDio's continuity stink all over it. He was so desperate to have Eclipso be both part of the stories told in the Black Diamond Probability and to also be separate from any flaws of that story, that he kept the history and then shoved the Black Diamond into the hands of someone that had nothing to do with that crossover at all. In other words, Dan DiDio (or his monster half!) got to eat his cake and the cat too.

Action Comics #21

Why does Superman need a belt?

Last issue, Dr. Veritas was proving how smart she was. Why does DC allow Scott Lobdell to create anything that's going to become canon? The whole New 52 is going to become tainted by Scott Lobdell's stupid creations. He actually made Dr. Veritas an OMNIOLOGIST! Seriously, he needed to create somebody that was obviously super smart and could invent anything she needs, so he made her a scientist of everything! And he named her Doctor Truth! Not only that, at one point he mentions that she has even invented things that she doesn't understand! Oh, fuck you, Scott Lobdell. Explain to me what that means! If you can explain to me how she does that and in what way the invention manifests, I'll buy you a beer and give you a hand job the next time you're in Portland. Does she just put some machine together and turn it on and go, "Oh look! It's making biscuits! I have no idea how it works!" Or does she create a machine which does something that she can't explain and points at it when people enter the room and go, "I made that." Meanwhile nobody knows what the fuck the machine is doing.

I know I don't know Scott Lobdell personally. I'm sure he's a fantastic guy to have a drink with and talk super heroes with. I met him one time and I didn't tell him that I spend my free time telling strangers on the internet how much he sucks. But when the funniest thing he's written all year was when he signed my Big Book of New 52 #1s, I can't help but look down on him as a writer.

Gail Simone had signed my book first. Then Lobdell signed and added the rest. I admit I showed this to Gail Simone's husband hoping to start a fist fight.

Scott Lobdell's name isn't even on the cover of this comic book and I'm bitching about him! I have a serious psychological problem. I've even had two beers and am working on a box of cookies so that I can cope with the back-up story in this comic book.

Last issue ended with the Poop Octopus formed by virus-infected citizens of Metropolis pulling Superman into the sewers of Metropolis. Luckily (according to DC Comics Presents #8) Metropolis has manhole access to the sewers every six feet. But Lois and Jimmy don't need manhole access because they're just jumping right into the hole created by the Poop Octopus. Forget danger! Lois Lane is going to get this fucking story even if it kills Jimmy Olsen!

Three pages in and Tony S. Daniel has yet to draw a two page spread! He's really showing restraint!

Anyway (I'm so clever with my segues!), Superman remembers that Dr. Smartyjunk said the Hybrid needs oxygen to survive. Is this creature called The Hybrid for a reason? Is this Andy Diggle's critique on the Hybrid Car market? What's he saying? It's a fad that's turning everybody into zombies but it's going to end up killing everybody? And the only way to stop it is to have an Übermensch save everybody and set them on the right track to using cars that guzzle fossil fuels? Or maybe Diggle isn't saying people should go back to gasoline powered cars but that Hybrid cars are more of a temporary stop-gap than a solution and that, in fact, they're more dangerous in that they seem to offer a solution while they're really just ruining the environment in a different way and slower. So while they may be better, they're not where we should stop and it's dangerous to present them as the solution? Is that what he's trying to say? Am I following the story correctly?

Once Superman submerges the Poop Octopus beneath the waters in the sewers of Metropolis, it begins to transform back into the citizens from which it was composed. Superman leaves the citizens to drown while he goes to save Lois whom he hears screaming for help.

Fact: Metropolis has the deepest sewers in the world.

Superman believes that Lois is a hallucination because he hallucinated Jimmy Olsen in Issue #19. That was a really stupid moment that was probably forced on the writers by editorial. I think I know why Scott Lobdell likes writing comic books! Especially New 52 comic books at DC! Because the editors simply tell the writers what to write and then the writer either writes what they're told or walks off the book! I don't know if this is the real Lois or not. She's cute enough to be the real Lois. So thumbs up to Tony S. Daniel for drawing a Lois I can be attracted to. Although he probably could have made her far less attractive and I still would have been attracted to her if she simply showed some interest in me.

Dr. Smartyjunk appears as a hologram right in Superman's face to help him defeat The Hybrid. Superman isn't smart enough to deal with this science junk so he needs the second smartest person on Earth Prime to help him (Doctor Smartyjunk! Sheesh. Pay attention!). Lex Luthor is the smartest person on Earth Prime. Mister Terrific was the third smartest but he's not on Earth Prime anymore, so I think now Bruce Wayne is the third smartest person on Earth Prime. The fourth smartest person on Earth Prime is The Chief (the Doom Patrol guy!). The fifth smartest person on Earth is Emperor Blackgate, Ogilvy, because he's smart enough to not be too smart which makes him really super smart for some reason. I'm not sure where to put Harvest because he doesn't really count being that he's not on any census records.

And then Lex Luthor appears as Tony S. Daniel blows his load all over my eager face!

Oh! Oh! The double page spread goodness! Mmmm! Mmmm!

Lex and Superman battle in the sewers for awhile while the Poop Octopus's victims change back into normal people and run for the surface. Once again, Metropolis is lucky to have all of those manholes. Lois stays back to film the fight between Lex and Superman on her phone. I'm not sure why she's been dragging Jimmy Olsen around with her if he doesn't have a fucking camera! Why the hell is the reporter getting the footage on a shitty phone? Come on, Jimmy! Get with it! Stop being a misogynistic slacking dickface! Pull your weight!

Lex can't help but pull the super villain routine and inform Superman that he created the virus. That's pretty stupid considering his whole plan revolves around people believing that Superman is the cause of the virus. For being the smartest person in the DCnU, he's very bald. Also, he's not as smart as he thinks if he thinks exposing his plans to the enemy is the way to win through in the end. Lois captures the confession on her phone but then she drops it in the shitty sewer water. That's why Jimmy should be taking video! He's more experienced at holding firmly on to things with one hand!

That was a masturbation joke. I felt I should explain it for my more naive readers.

Superman has been exposed to Dr. Smartyjunk's red sun light long enough that he can no longer fly on his own. I'm pretty sure that means he's lost the majority of his powers. What he does next is steal Luthor's rocket pack so that he can fly out of Earth's gravity and directly into the sun. I guess not being able to shoot lasers out of his eyes or fly on his own has no bearing on whether or not he still retains his invulnerability because he seems okay escaping Earth's gravity without any protection. Of course, he was probably powered up just enough by the quick contact with sunlight after escaping the sewers. What's really unbelievable is that Lex Luthor's rocket pack has enough power to break out of Earth's gravity! And not only that, the rocket pack gets Superman to the sun in record time. Every school kid knows it takes light eight minutes to go from the sun to the Earth. Let's say Luthor's rocket pack allows travel at a quarter of the speed of light (I feel generous!). That means that it takes Superman 32 minutes to get to the sun. Unless I did the math wrong. It's very possible I did the math wrong. Anyway, Superman is probably gone for at least 40 minutes if I assume Superman can return to Earth at the speed of light!

Allowing just enough time for that fat ass Lex Luthor to crawl from the sewers.

Superman knocks out Lex so Lex can be arrested and then flies away so he can't be arrested. Why would Superman be arrested? I guess because he punched Lex Luthor. Why would Lex Luthor be arrested? I guess because he's wearing weird armor. The Metropolis Police are dumb dumbs. I guess since they couldn't find the Poop Octopus, they had to arrest somebody. Although Lois does end up with proof that Lex was behind it all after Clark Kent turns up with her phone. I guess Clark enjoys digging through sewers.

The back-up story is not by Scott Lobdell but it continues the story he began on Krypton. That means I drank beer and ate cookies for no reason except the sheer satisfaction of doing so! I don't know why it isn't by Scott Lobdell. Did DC finally realize he writes as well as a bucket full of turds? I mean an anthropomorphic bucket of turds, of course.

I'm so not interested in the back-up story. Superman's mother Lara goes AWOL when the military decides that Krypton should be a military superpower rather than a world dedicated to science. I don't know why this makes sense. Who are the military going to battle? Isn't the planet unified? It's not like Kryptonians can leave Krypton to conquer other planets. I just don't fucking get it. I guess the military just want to rule for the sake of ruling because fuck science?

Meanwhile near the sunken ruins of the Kryptonian Atlantis (a place called Xan), Jor-El is being arrested underwater. Because he's all about science and science is for fucking Communists!

And because the back-up story was stupid and two pages short, I get to pay extra for two pages of badly edited adverts for upcoming books! Yay DC! You're the bestest!

The the the the the the what?!

Action Comics #21 Rating: -4 Ranking. I fucking hate where this comic book is headed. I guess DC didn't have enough bad Superman comic books. Fuck me, I hope Superman Unchained is worth reading.