Dark Days: The Forge #1

Sometimes when I see John Romita Jr. artwork, I think, "What did I ever have against Rob Liefeld?!"

These are dark days, my friend! Although, technically, you're probably not my friend if you're reading this (that includes you, Doom Bunny!). I don't know why they're dark days (although I know why you're not my friend. I only have room in my life for one and he died a couple of years ago. I've yet to reopen my heart for a replacement) but the cover says it right there at the top: DARK DAYS! I added the exclamation point because I don't think the phrase "dark days" should end in a period. I suppose, occasionally, I've run into a wise old biker type who has looked me in the eyes, shaken his head, and said, contemplatively, "Dark days, my friend, dark days." That definitely ended in a period! But this is a superhero comic book so almost every sentence or phrase should have an exclamation point stabbed onto the end of it.

If you prefer "exclamation mark" over "exclamation point," your mother is probably fat.

That was a standard "your mom" joke so I don't think I can be yelled at for fat shaming. Also, if you yell at me for fat shaming, I'll just assume you're yelling at me for being fat so don't do it or else you'll be fat shaming, jerko! Touché!

I mean, I'm not fat! I'm super sexy and hot and macho! Va-va-va-voom is what you'd probably say if you saw me. Then your eyes would pop out of your head and your heart would crash through your rib cage and you'd die. But your last words would probably be, "It was worth it! So hot!"

Four out of the five creators names on the cover do not induce blood flow to the nether regions. Scott Snyder has been a disappointment lately although I still have high hopes when I see his name. Unfortunately, I don't feel we get his best when he's working with the next name on the list, James Tynion IV. It seems that Snyder comes up with an idea and then chains James to an office chair that is bolted to the ground and tells him to write the script. John Romita Jr.'s work nauseates me. As I pointed out earlier, it makes me long for Rob Liefeld. Liefeld's bad art was fun! It was so chaotic and terrible that I could spend days pointing out the problems and laughing at his mistakes. But Romita's art is all straight lines and boredom! Look at Batman and Superman on that cover. Romita basically took a couple of rulers, set them beside each other, closed the lower ends a bit so the characters would taper to the horizon, drew a couple of straight lines, and then drew Batman and Superman as trapezoids. The look on their faces is the bewilderment of just realizing that fart had a bit of liquid in it. And finally, Jim Lee! I truly admire Jim Lee for his dedication to his craft and the work he did to help create Image. I admire him for continuing to grow as an artist and to as a businessman working in a creative field. But I don't admire his penchant for scribbling on everything he draws.

The other people on the list, I have no beef with. Love Klaus Janson. Love Danny Miki. Love Alex Sinclair (I guess?). I'm not sure I really have much of an opinion on Andy Kubert. I bet he's a funny dude.

The comic book starts out promising!

Hawkman's final journal? Hooray! Go to hell, you stupid prick! And I thought these were going to be dark days!

Does anybody else find it weird that Carter Hall records his journal on Swiss cheese?

Many years ago (I guess? There's no time stamp on the opening scene!), Carter Hall recorded the crashing of a spaceship on his lunch. But since he didn't know the word "spaceship," he wrote "sign written in metal." That will probably be important later but for now, it's time to move the story into the present. And where better to begin an adventure story than The Bermuda Triangle! Wait. I should rephrase that. "Where better to begin an adventure story in the 1970s than The Bermuda Triangle!" Oh boy! Eight year old me just came in his pants! I mean if that were possible. Nothing but pee would be coming out of there for at least another five years.

You know you can read and reread the data once you get somewhere safe? Or did you not save your data to the cloud? Idiot. You should use both terrestrial and cloud backups!

That scientist sounds like me in high school after first hearing Mr. Crowley: "There's something in the metal!"

Batman rescues the scientist whose name is Dr. Madison (MADISOOOOOON!). Batman tells Dr. Madison that the only to safety is back through the volcano.

Batman: "The only way out is in!"
Dr. Madison: "Does that actually make sense? I don't think that makes sense."
Batman: "If we don't go back through the lava, we'll be covered in lava!"
Dr. Madison: "Do you ever listen to yourself speak?"
Batman: "Outside will also have flying debris! Inside is just, um, you know! Liquid hotness!"
Dr. Madison: "You mean lava?"
Batman: "If you want to get technical about it! Now get in my Liquid Hotness Proof Bat-mech (trademark and action figure pending!), sit on my lap, and don't ask me if that's a bat-grapple in my pocket or if I'm happy to see you! I'm never happy!"

So they had to go back through the lava to get to the ocean? Batman does know Dr. Madison was standing in front of a window overlooking the water, right? How was just crashing through that not an option? Especially since Batman loves crashing through panes of glass!

Whenever an editor tells Scott Snyder to make something more exciting, he should just say, "Shut. Up!"

Aquaman helps with the rescue and then he and Batman get into an argument about who's keeping bigger secrets. Batman probably wins that one because even if Aquaman had some really juicy secrets to tell, I'd never remain interested long enough to hear them. I'm already bored with this paragraph because I had to type "Aquaman" three times.

Apparently the Blackhawks have some super secret covert black ops shit going on again. Remember how they returned in All Star Batman? Oh, you got tired of reading that series too? Well, believe me. They returned there.

Meanwhile on Mogo, Cornelius the Guardian wants Hal to do something seedy to him.

"Don't tell Guy! I just got him to stop calling me gay!"

Oh sorry. His name is Ganthet. I must be thinking of Roddy McDowall's character from Scavenger Hunt.

Speaking of Scavenger Hunt, I caught an episode of Family Ties the other day when some actor walked on and I was all, "Hey! That's short sleeves, checkered shirt, black sneakers!" Plus his son in the episode was Chunk from The Goonies. Should I mark irrelevant passages like these with asterisks?!

Ganthet having once asked Hal to jerk him off is now canon.

Once again, everybody in the universe is gossiping about how Earth is going to destroy the universe. If only the Justice League would stop saving it already! Just let somebody destroy Earth for the greater good, you hypocrites!

Ganthet has pinpointed the threat to the universe in the Batcave so Hal Jordan decides to go invade it and not radio Batman saying, "Hey, buddy. I've got a possible issue that maybe you can help out with. Let's meet up in the Batcave." Instead he decides to sneak in and start going through Batman's things. I get it. It's the only way to ensure that a couple of heroes fight so all the fangenders can lose their shit over it. This part was probably Tynion's idea. "Hey! You know what I've read in comic books about five thousand times? That part where two heroes fight over a misunderstanding! Can we add that scene?!" And Scott Snyder snorts and wakes up and is all, "What? Whatever. Just write the script already! If I wanted to write it, I wouldn't have purchased you from your parents!"

Anyway, Batman isn't home so Hal has to fight Meadowlark. You know, Not-Robin. Duke!

What is Duke reading to get his Green Lantern information? The Who's Who books from the mid-80s? That's where I get all of my information too!

Is Green Lantern just fucking with Duke or is there something about the yellow flaw that I don't know about? I thought it was completely gone. Is this Snyder and Tynion trying to backdoor the flaw back into the ring but only if the person using the ring is inexperienced and stupid?

In the next panel, Hal Jordan says, "It's good to see Batman's still recruiting teenagers." Hey man. You better be careful with statements like that. At least he's not, you know, fucking them.

Duke Thomas admits to not having a code name yet. That's adorable. All this fucking time and he still doesn't have one. Why can't Snyder just spit one out already? Waiting to find out his superhero name is like waiting for Sting to come in your mouth. Not that I'd know and not that it was the worst sixteen hours of my life.

Meanwhile there's this place called The Campus underneath Philadelphia where The Immortal Men are headquartered. One of them is Immortal Man because of course it is. The other one is a guy in a robe with shaggy eyebrows that might be Carter Hall but I'm hoping is anybody else. Another one of their possible members would have been Elaine Thomas, Duke's mother. But she went crazy from Joker Toxin. They apparently know they need to save the world from something bad that's coming because it's always easier to tell a story about prophecy. It would be too hard to wedge these Immortal Men into the story if they didn't already know some huge Crisis was about to happen.

So the guy in the robes isn't Hawkman because Hawkman gets the next scene. He's been having visions during the times between death and reincarnation. Whew! I thought he wouldn't have some secret inside information to get him right into this upcoming Crisis! In his vision, he sees a gigantic Batman statue with lots of people tied to its legs. I guess somebody is going to have to kill Batman before he becomes evil!

After that scene, John Romita Jr. takes over on the art. I should probably snort some Ativan before continuing.

Mister Terrific is helping Batman with the Mystery of the Dark Days. Hopefully they'll explain it in long, large word balloons that cover up most of the art. Something has been interfering with the harmonic frequencies of Earth-Main-Earth and Earth-2 (which I guess is back to its normal self? Or maybe Mister Terrific just got off before he wound up in that whole World's End mess? For some reason, I can't remember the story well enough to know if Mister Terrific was in any of it. Thank Jesus!) but neither Batman nor Mister Terrific know what's going on yet. To help them figure it out, Batman decides they must let Plastic Man out of his prison cell. They say they agreed to lock him up because he was too powerful but I think they just got sick of his stupid jokes.

Back in the Batcave, Duke and Hal are investigating the Mystery of Batman Investigating the Mystery. It all started when somebody said, "That whole electrum in the tooth thing that resurrects the dead Talons is stupid! It's not scientific at all! Who comes up with such dumb shit?! DC Comics sucks!" Then Scott Snyder was all, "Wait! Wait! You haven't heard the whole tale of that! You shouldn't believe everything you see at first sight! You should wait for the second sight! Or maybe the third sight if everybody on Twitter complains about the second sight! But I don't think they will because this is going to be a huge Crisis! You'll love it!" So instead of electrum being in the teeth, Batman found a metal that shared the same energy signature as the helmet of fate, the quintdent of Aquaman, and the bracelets of Diana. To investigate this metallic mystery, Batman created a team that everybody forgot about. Everybody except me, of course!

Halo's costume is terrible. But Geoforce had better stay away from her anyway!

Duke has no idea who the wobbly speech bubble is. But that didn't stop him from saying, "Dick? Is that Dick? You know, Dick Grayson? Nightwing? Is that you?"

So the metal is probably Nth Metal which would make it more believable that it was resurrecting the Talons. Because nobody is going to say, "Nth Metal can't do that!" I mean, they might. But they'd be wrong because Nth Metal isn't real and it can do whatever the fuck it needs to do when the writer needs it to do it. Although if it were Dionesium, nobody would say, "Dionesium can't do that!" Because that's exactly what it was made for! It's just that Nth Metal works better, plot-wise. Why would Aquaman's five-pronged trident have Dionesium in it?

Deep in Batman's secret Batcave, Duke and Hal come to a door. Apparently the owner of the voice is behind it. I hope it's not The Joker. I hope it's Detective Chimp. I also hope it's revealed before this issue is over!

Batman has also been keeping another secret in Superman's fortress. With the help of Mister Miracle, he unlocks the unopenable room it was stored in. It's a big yellow tower that Mister Miracle recognizes but I don't. Maybe it's Qwardian! It could also be something from Final Crisis which I've never read. Or something from an obscure 1967 Batman story. Or maybe it's something that, when it's explicitly named, I'll say, "Oh yeah. Fuck. I totally remember that thing now!" Anyway, I don't think it's important enough to reveal this issue. Because The Joker needs to be revealed in the Hal Jordan scene!

Oh look! The Joker was the voice! What a surprise! Surprise! Are you surprised? Oh! You should also keep in mind how there were three Jokers, remember? That was a dumb bit that had to be thrown in so that Batman would say, "Impossible!", when he asked the Moebius Chair what the Joker's name was. Remember how that one guy on Tumblr got all pissy with me when I said they'd never reveal The Joker's name and how could I know that and I don't know what I'm talking about and all that shit? Fucking stupid kid. I didn't even get to say "I told you so!" to that kid when the reveal was that the Chair's answer was that there were three Jokers! Well, I'm doing it now! I fucking told you so, kid!

So that's the end of Dark Days: The Forge! Maybe that thing Batman revealed was The Forge. I guess the next stop in this series is the event, Metal. It'll probably be about Dionesium and Nth Metal and how, when combined, everything is destroyed! What will this Crisis be called? Not just Crisis in Dark Days, right? How about Alchemical Crisis on Earths Starring Plastic Man?

Suicide Squad #8

This week's comics from DC are extra thick. I hope that means there is an envelope full of money in them.

Dammit. An envelope full of money did not fall out when I opened the comic book. It's just an overblown, pull-out advert for Justice League vs. Suicide Squad, just in case anybody interested in that had yet to be bombarded with the other adverts for it. It does show that Lobo (non-twat version) and Eclipso will be in the series, though, so I guess I'm a little more interested than I was. Although it also has Emerald Empress as part of the Super Duper Scary Max Lord Suicide Squad which seems weird since she's from the 30th Century. No wait. I'm still acting as if Rebirth makes any sense.

This month's cover made me realize a simple way to figure out if somebody is crazy! Just have them put on lipstick! If they can't help smearing it all over the place so that they look like my mother getting ready for a student-teacher conference, they're crazy! I don't know if it works for people who have never before put on lipstick, likes guys who lie to other guys about how they've never put on lipstick.

Once again, Harley Quinn uses up one of the twelve pages of the story to sum up events from last issue's twelve pages of story (eleven if you don't count the page where Harley sums up the previous twelve pages of story (eleven if you don't count...well, you get the pattern)).

So Zod is going to wake up and accept every script given to him by his agent?

I'd like to apologize for assuming that everybody understood the pattern forming in my previous parenthetical reference. If you voted for Trump, you might still be confused about how you can draw conclusions based on evidence to predict what will happen next. So, I'm sorry if that bit was confusing for you.

Rick Flag comes along to save Harley Quinn from being eaten by Killer Croc. Harley's plan to release The Enchantress went weird pear-shaped (which is subtly different than weirdly pear-shaped!) and instead of knocking out June Moone so that The Enchantress took over, she just knocked out June Moone. I guess The Enchantress is on a cigarette break because she never fails to take control at any available opportunity, like when June Moone sleeps or is sedated or is having an intense orgasm (which means Killer Croc didn't do it for her, I guess).

Rick Flag has stabbed himself in the leg with an ice pick so that the pain would keep him from murdering people. Or murdering random people because he seems to be just fine with shooting Killer Croc directly in his open mouth. As Rick tries to protect June by shooting Killer Croc, he yells, "I won't lose any more of my people, monster!" Isn't Waylon Jones one of your people? Who's the real monster here, Prick? June Moone is currently in her underwear and I'm really hoping that when she transforms into The Enchantress, she'll still be in her underwear, except fancier and more black magicky! And less crotchy!

Oh! Also, Rick put a tourniquet on his leg over where he stabbed himself with the ice pick and Harley is yelling, "You'll die from blood loss! You're crazier than all of us." He's not crazy. He's stupid if he chose to stab himself in the artery simply to use the pain to keep from going crazy. It hurts really bad just stabbing yourself in the muscle too, you know! I think. I mean, I've never been stabbed in either, so I can't really compare. But if I was stabbing myself in the hopes that the pain would allow me to stay clearheaded so I could save the world, I'm pretty sure I'd try to not stab myself in a way that would cause me to bleed out before I could save the world! Rick Flag is a dumb jerk.

Does this mean he has bulletproof external nasal cavities? Yuck!

What would an external cavity be? Is that like pondering the sound of one hand clapping?

Back at the lab, Harcourt and Waller haven't stabbed themselves in any arteries and they're not crazy like the rest of the people. Although they are killing scientists left and right and center and pear-shaped. That might still be proof of their sanity because just imagine how much they'll be saving the prison on faculty expenses! Although their insurance premiums are going to go through the roof. Unless Belle Reve's entire insurance costs amount to a few shovels, some people willing to dig graves on the sly, and a form letter expressing how they're going to have to fire the suddenly missing person for not having shown up for work for the last two weeks (sent out a week after the staff member is killed. Which also means they need to pay somebody to hack the time clock records! Oh wait! They can just get Hack to do that. More savings!).

You're really watering down the term "Nazi" here, Amanda! Also, you're probably offending some young Jewish people who think they speak for all Jewish people when they scream at other people for pointing out that somebody might be Nazi-like.

The Enchantress appears and she's fully clothed so I may or may not have completely lost interest in the rest of this story.

It's a bluff! That's just the device that orders more enchiladas from the local Mexican restaurant!

Meanwhile, Captain Boomerang is still trying to download his data into a real body. But Hack doesn't have time to download him into a chicken or a hot naked female body because Katana and the other insane inmates are running towards her. They're not killing each other anymore. I guess they've talked it out and decided they should only kill people who haven't gone insane.

The inmates have joined together to destroy Rick and Harley as well. I suppose when you only have twelve pages each month, you can't expect your narrative to remain cohesive. So the crazy people have to go from simply being crazy and chaotic to being a rebellious mass of zombified murderers intent on only killing the people trying to save the day. Maybe the Black Vault is more aware than I realized! It was just confused when it was waking up with Zod but now it's formulated a plan to...well, I don't know. Destroy the world, I guess. That's the usual plan! It'll probably be the plan of the Super Duper Scary Max Lord Suicide Squad too!

Oh no! I sort of can't wait for this in that way you can't wait for a train to pass by after you've destroyed the rails! I should probably do a special commentary on DC Challenge before this begins! I'd better dig those out of storage!

Here's my prediction for the Kamandi challenge! Each writer will work ahead of time outlining a bit of story they want to write for their part. That outline will be the meat of their issue and they'll wedge it into the framing of the rest of the story while mostly ignoring all of the plot threads and cliffhangers left by the other writers. It will be a spectacular, incoherent mess. But I can't wait to read Bill Willingham's bit! I wish he were drawing it as well!

The Enchantress decides to stop talking like a medieval plague doctor exposed to too much ergot and instead decides to become a Manic Pixie Black Magic Witch Sexpot. Maybe I'm imagining the sexpot part because I'm still picturing her wearing nothing but gossamer under garments. Whatever her personality, she manages to get Harley and Croc to the lab to save the day by accusing Waller of having psychological problems and by pushing Zod back into the Black Vault!

Zod awakens before he can be contained so everybody is fucked. Killer Croc tries to be brave by screaming "Entrails ramen!" at him while attacking him. Croc screamed that earlier too. I guess the phrase just cracked Rob Williams up too much to leave it as a one-off. I can hear him whispering in my ear right now as I read it, "Come on! That was funny! Admit it! Also, how about this clever bit of writing: Quinnpin! Ha ha!"

The Squad does something that causes Captain Boomerang to come back. I can't articulate what it is that happens. He's reformed from bits of General Zod as Zod is electrocuted and brought back under a red sun, maybe? Or he's just pulled out of the digital world in the same way Hack can digitize people for travel along the Internet and then reform them? Whatever happens, we're now definitely at no deaths in the current Squad after eight issues. Aside from the scientists and lab assistants and security guards and unnamed inmates murdered by Flag, Harcourt, Waller, Deadshot, and Katana.

Captain Boomerang claims he defeated Zod so I guess his "boomeranging" back to life did something to Zod that discounts the electricity and the red sun. That's probably just his cockiness acting up. I have the same problem in Call of Duty and Overwatch where I seemingly believe that I am the sole reason our team ever wins.

Harley Quinn winds up crazy again and Captain Boomerang has come back to life and Rick Flag doesn't die from blood loss and Katana doesn't think about all of the innocent people she killed and Killer Croc looks awkwardly at The Enchantress while trying to hide his scaly boner. But the biggest surprise of all (if any of those other things were surprising, amirite?!) is that Jim Lee did thirteen pages this month! Harley isn't the only insane thing about this issue! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (I'm putting lipstick on terribly right now!)

Before the backup story, there's an advert for Justice League Loves Saban's Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. People want to read this? Fuck, I'm old.

The backup story is about Killer Frost coming to Belle Reve. It's also the prelude to the biggest blockbuster Rebirth story in the history of Rebirth Blockbusters: Justice League vs. Suicide Squad! It won't hold that title for long though since it's actually the first Rebirth Blockbuster and it's written by Joshua Williamson. That means practically anybody can write the second Rebirth Blockbuster and it will be bigger than this first one.

That's disrespectful, Rick. She obviously wants to be called Sever Head.

The moral of the story is that Amanda Waller is heartless. The end!

The Review!
+1 Ranking! I guess. I enjoyed making fun of this issue and ensuring that I have a good time is the entire point of reading comic books. So whether this issue was actually bad or good doesn't matter to me. I quite enjoyed my time with it! That's probably not helpful but then, I never said I was helpful. Or compassionate! That didn't need to be said but I thought I should be honest at least once per day!

Suicide Squad #7

A sniper nearby is staring at Katana's tits.

If you never received a degree, don't answer "Yes" when somebody asks if you've ever gone to college. Stop unpacking your excuses as to why you never stuck around long enough for a degree just so you can pat yourself on the back for having taking a few philosophy classes that never went anywhere. Okay, sure Overreacting Butthurt College Dropout, technically you're answering the question truthfully. I mean, I suppose if you walked through a college campus one day, you can answer yes to that question. I suppose I shouldn't be too upset that you can't figure out what that person is actually asking since you were too lazy and stupid to finish school. It might sound like I'm judging you but I'm not. I mean, not that much. I don't give a shit if a person went to college or not. That isn't an indicator of intelligence or even some kind of fortitude or ambition. I fucking went to college to avoid the real world for as long as possible (which was about five and a half years of actual college and not the two or so years spent out of school for missing registration due to not wanting to meet with a counselor or fucking around at a community college to re-establish residence when I switched colleges (you know, because it's way cheaper!)). I also went to college because it was a nice chunk of time where I was able to read as many books as possible while not having any other real demands on my life. College also introduced me to a lot of literature I would never have bothered reading. But when somebody asks if you went to college and you have to explain and annotate your answer of "yes" with caveats like "I went for a few months before my grandmother died and I had to fly home and I just never went back" or "I got a crippling sexually transmitted disease from fucking that dead raccoon during a wild hazing incident at Gamma Delta Farts," maybe choose to say "no" before adding the annotations? Because, really, you fucking know what they meant by the questions, right?

Seriously though, don't fucking go to college. If you can get a scholarship or grant money that you don't have to pay back, then definitely do go to college. Or if you're serious about one of those jobs that's actually some kind of service to mankind (even if you're only doing it for the big cash payout salary! Who am I to judge? I mean, judge even more than I'm already doing?) and you need educated training! There are definitely good reasons to get educated via society's usual and expected means. But if you know what you want to do and you can do it yourself and you know you don't need a degree to do it? Fucking dump the system. It needs you far more than you need it! I went to a state school in Oregon my first year and then finished at a state school in California for the other half decade, so it didn't cost a lot to delay my adulthood. Plus, my father who had been mostly absent from my life from about thirteen to seventeen (due to raging alcoholism and selfishness) showed up to pay tuition. I covered all the other expenses (like books and drugs) through summer jobs. But I could have just as easily spent five years at the library and done much of the same thing. I loved my teachers and most of my classes, so I'm glad I didn't do that. But I could have, if I didn't have the resources and opportunities which presented themselves to me and my life. And I suppose it's easier to do almost nothing at all, day in and day out, without your family griping if you can say, "I'm in school!"

There are way more than two types of people but it's easier to say, "There are two types of people," before starting some kind of written thesis. And the two types of people I'm thinking of amid all of the other types of people are the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have a plan for their future and know what they want from life, and the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have no fucking idea what to do or how to navigate their oncoming adulthood. I figure a lot of people who answer "yes" to the question about going to college who shouldn't be answering yes are the second type. They eventually find what they need while at college and just move on. College serves its purpose as a kind of purgatory during the transition from childhood to adulthood. Often, a person doesn't need to see it through to its expected conclusion. I would have liked it to have gone on longer in some ways but, really, I'd fucking had enough of essay assignments. So I totally get not finishing. My main point is that when somebody asks, "Did you go to college?", you should probably answer "No" before saying, "I did go for awhile but dropped out for these reasons." Saying "yes" is just lying to yourself and everybody else and probably God too.

So anyway, I'll let Harley Quinn catch everybody up on what was happening in this comic book:

Okay. Got it! Magic Comic Book Nonsense makes sane people insane, and insane people sane. That's not the hardest thing a comic book has ever asked me to believe. Remember when Nightwing drove a motorcycle up a building? And that time Catwoman didn't tell Bruce Wayne he was being a selfish, condescending asshole? I mean, she may have told him that before. But there were all the other times she didn't when she should have.

Harley has reverted to Doctor Harleen Quinzel (unless it's spelled differently. I can't be bothered to remember or look it up) who is a psychiatrist (unless she's a psychologist. See my last parenthetical reference for more why I don't know). So when she says, "It turns out sane people are scared all the time," I have to believe she knows what she's talking about. And since I'm never scared, I suppose that makes me insane. Some would say it makes me stupid or shows I'm not paying attention. And by "some," I mean bumper stickers.

Katana is busy trying to kill Harley but she keeps getting sidetracked by all the guards who need their arms chopped off. I don't think Katana will be successful because DC would never kill Harley Quinn. They can't even kill Harley Quinn in some Death of Superman type stunt because all of the touchy feely Internet Harley Quinn fans would call them misogynist and dumb. No wait! They wouldn't call them dumb because that's ableist. I think. You know what's dumb? Trying to shape a world where you can't point out how stupid somebody is because they can't help it and thus it's a disability of some sort and how dare you pick on the poor moron. How long until the racists begin claiming they can't help being racist and thus it's ableist to call them out on it?

Sorry! Sorry! I went all Slippery Slope on you there. That's so fucking ridiculous to think that a racist would claim they shouldn't be called a racist because it's ableist. They just think they shouldn't be called a racist because they hate being called out on a truth they can't admit to because it would prove they were racist. Or something.

Katana can block a bullet with her sword but she can't deflect a Taser. Those are some sorry ass ninja skills.

I wonder whose most angry at me right now? Dropouts, racists, dum-dums who use the word ableist, or nerds screaming at me that Katana is a samurai and not a ninja? Also, those nerds are probably falling all over themselves to explain how Katana could block the bullet because her mind was clear but now, clouded by the Black Vault, she's not quite as effective at blocking things with her cutlass.

Harley contacts Amanda who is just willful enough to keep some clarity and explain the situation to Harley Quinn. That's a good thing or else Harley wouldn't know what she was supposed to do to get this story to end without everybody dying.

Harley realizes she has a decision to make! Does she stay and save the world from Zod by keeping him from waking up (since, you know, if he woke up, nobody in the world would be able to stop him because the Justice League is probably in the future dealing with Cosmic Boy's mutated space gonorrhea unraveling the time stream), or does she run for her life?!

I'm glad the exits in this super prison are so well marked and accessible.

Harley Quinn manages to defeat everybody in the prison by activating the sprinklers using El Diablo and then firing a Taser into the wet floor and electrocuting everybody. I mean, they're all wearing boots so even if I'm going to believe her Belle Reve Taser is the most powerful Taser ever devised (Harley did crank the setting up to 999 which must be crazy powerful! A Belle Reve Taser would need a huge setting like that to take down someone like King Shark, right?), how am I supposed to get past the boot thing? Maybe nobody has rubber soles. I guess they're all made of copper.

Meanwhile, Hack realizes that she accidentally digitized Captain Boomerang and uploaded him into Belle Reve's mainframe. I hope he boomerangs something as a computer virus!

Also meanwhile, June and Killer Croc do some after oral sex cuddling. Remember how they had oral sex last issue? I still can't wait to try that move! Harley decides to zap June Moone because a Belle Reve Taser has at least four shots. I'd think it would be much bigger than it appears. But then, I also think Jim Lee doesn't really think much about what he's drawing. He's got twelve pages to do and he doesn't have time to research anything in Rob William's script!

Harley zaps June to wake up the Enchantress because she needs to teleport to the lab to stop Zod. She doesn't get there this issue because Jim's twelve pages are up. Next issue should be the finale of this story since it's also the prologue to Justice League vs. the Suicide Squad (which will almost certainly be terrible).

The backup story is about June Moone and the Enchantress. Is the fact that I have nothing more to say about it a good enough review?

The Review!
+0! Seven issues in and nobody in the Suicide Squad has died! Oh, sure, readers are probably expected to remember the death of Captain Boomerang as a death which took place and therefore a justification for Task Force X's nickname. But he's not dead and he'll be back next issue! The only people who have died during this incarnation of the Suicide Squad are the guards killed by Katana. Way to go, Katana! Just add them to the ever growing list of innocent people you've killed since The New 52 began! Most of that list is, of course, all of the people in the high-rise hotel you blew up in Birds of Prey! Jerko!

Suicide Squad #6

See? I told you he was hiding in the bathroom!

There's nobody more helpful in life than that person who, when faced with a generalization from a friend, makes sure to point out that the generalization doesn't apply to everybody targeted by the generalization. I don't need to be reread the dictionary definition of "individual" every time I make a scathing criticism of all corporations, lawyers, cops, or mothers! I understand that, in theory, somebody's mother must be an angel! I don't need my rant cut off at the knees by a meaningless statement that adds nothing to the horribleness of mothers! I get it! Yours was a saint! But, overall, and so close to 100% that if this were a calculus problem, we'd be streaking to infinity on it, mothers are awful, terrible people. Also, I'm not sure my calculus bit would actually hold up in court. Probably because lawyers are jerks who would totally ask me leading questions that don't provide context for my calculus problem and then when I try to provide that context, I'm shut down and told to only answer the questions asked. As if that's fair! I could make any mother look like a huge jerk if they were only able to answer the questions I asked! Not that it would be hard because, after all, mothers! Amirite?!

I just ate lunch after writing that paragraph. While doing so, I chose to read some Facebook comments on a Ricky Gervais post about a preacher telling kids in line for Santa that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Here's a response from somebody who should get their Internet Comment Card taken away:

fucking hypocrites. So it's alright to lie and tell kids Santa exists but telling them God or Jesus is real is in some way wrong or idiotic. HAHAHA! mugs.

This is why I can't debate stupid people. Because they think they're so smart! But they're not smart! I'm smart! Unless I'm one of the stupid people who think they're smart? No, no! It can't be that! Because I don't say things like this guy who think it's the same thing to tell a kid Santa doesn't exist, knowing that they'll enjoy the fantasy as a child and eventually grow out of it and look fondly on the lie, as to tell a kid Jesus and God are real and expect them to live their entire lives accordingly and to squash all doubts to the contrary because that's probably one of the sins that will send you to Hell and maybe you should just hate gays too, just in case. Now whose the mug! Wait, what does that mean? Stupid British slang!

This is how this issue begins:

Why doesn't the Comic Book Code Authority still exist to stop images like this?! I never wanted to see an Amanda Waller upskirt photo!

Since nobody dies in the Suicide Squad, this is, of course, a fantasy. We all know Katana is going to hack the bullet out of the air. We knew that last issue when the gun was fired. But for one brief illogical second, I thought that maybe, just maybe, DC had killed Amanda Waller. I didn't think it was because the editors wanted to change up the way the Suicide Squad is run. I just thought maybe Jim Lee complained to the right people about having to draw a fat woman several times a month.

I almost went with "overweight woman" instead of fat but who am I to judge Amanda Waller's preferred weight? She might be underweight and pissed off because all of her older underwear keeps almost sliding off when she wears skirts.

So on the next page, Katana does indeed chop the bullet out of the air with her sword. So now we know she's got secret speedster powers! Unless it's just a given that ninja-types can move at super speed but only when it comes to dodging bullets and catching arrows.

Amanda is now going to have to reassess allowing people to carry guns in the lab. Forget about almost killing her! What if Rick had missed and shot an important piece of machinery keeping Zod in check?! The world could have been destroyed! You're probably thinking that Superman could stop Zod but you know how many times Superman is needed but "the Justice League is on a mission in space!"? A lot!

Nobody thinks to take Rick's gun away or cut off his arm at all (which, if you ask me, totally seems like a missed opportunity). Probably because they're distracted by wanting to kill everybody else. It seems some kind of rage virus has taken over the lab and the scientists are throwing the most awkward, terribly aimed, low powered punches at each other that I've ever witnessed.

Amanda headbutts Rick Flag and then the power goes out. I bet that's an excuse for Jim Lee to draw two or three pages in complete darkness. Which means he doesn't have to draw them at all, if you weren't following what I was saying as closely as you should have. It's hard to tell how many people like the guy I quoted above read these commentaries. I'm sorry you don't understand most of what I write, dum-dum.

Thanks for the information, Deadshot. Nobody else has eyeballs!

Thanks to the Phantom Zone Sphere (which everybody keeps calling the Black Vault, so maybe I should too!), Katana goes aggro as well and cuts the heads off of two scientists. I'm sure that won't effect her at all. Nobody wants to read this comic book for the kind of character development where a person questions their relationship with violence, and falls into a state of depression for having sent two innocent men's souls into the Soultaker Blade for eternity.

Another important tidbit of information Waller lets slip (to the readers! Not to the inmates!) is that if the Belle Reve power grid fails, they can't blow the prisoner's brain bombs. Well, I hope she has a backup generator! Maybe she should think about getting a cloud based brain bomb app so she isn't reliant on any power except the charge on her phone? I'd definitely look into it.

Here's another thing that happens in this comic book that I'm absolutely sick of: the cells unlock because of the power outage. Enough with cells that need a constant electric current to remain locked! If they do rely on electricity for locking and unlocking, they should default into locked when the power goes out. Stupid electrical engineers of the DC Universe!

Elsewhere in Belle Reve, June Moone and Killer Croc are released from their cells.

Yes! Now I know the proper way to do oral sex on a woman! Look at her orgasm!

It seems Captain Boomerang is currently in digital form inside of Hack's head. He's trying to help protect her head since he's living there now. He helps to keep the brain bomb out of her head by destroying the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine with his digitalness. Or something.

On a side note, even when the power is flickering, the people running Task Force X think it's a good time to try to implant a brain bomb. On a sidelier note, the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine is just a huge buzz saw on a crane. That seems...unnecessary.

On the sideliest note, you know how the scientists were using a Red Sun Generator to make sure General Zod would stay asleep and not be powered up? Apparently it has a Yellow Sun setting which one of the violent scientists uses. Who demanded that be an option?! I get that once you have a Kryptonian under your power, you'd want to be able to power him up. But for safety's sake, get two different fucking machines, you cheapskates!

Everybody in Belle Reve has gone insane except Harley Quinn who has gone sane. That seems like a thing that should happen. I know I'm judging crazy comic book logic but hear me out! If something drives somebody insane, doesn't it make sense that it would drive an insane person more insane? I'm just looking at a pretend chart here and it doesn't show that insane people suddenly become the most sane people if they get too insane. Although I will say insane people sometimes have fairly accurate insights into the world. Sure, you have to ferret out the insight lost among a plethora of lizard people and satellite death rays and vendettas against meter maids with their time machine ticket pad Frankenstein body scanners. But you'd be surprised how often I find myself nodding along in agreement while reading a schizophrenic rant. Okay, maybe you wouldn't be surprised by that, jerko.

Anyway, once Harley is sane, she obviously needs to cut off the colored ends of her hair, wipe off the mascara, take someone's Kleenex, and wipe the lipstick away. She knows things were bad but now they're okay. Also she puts on Hack's glasses so that she'll look respectable in her lab coat and short shorts that show off her professional camel toe.

That's the end of Jim Lee's twelve pages! Now for the backup story! It's about Killer Croc and how he keeps eating the guards in charge of his security. Waller seems to think this is an acceptable turnover rate for the position because she's certainly not in a hurry to figure out how to isolate Croc so that he never interacts with another guard for the rest of his prison time.

The story is interrupted by an advert for Justice League vs. Suicide Squad: Dusk of Mostly Water. In the ad, The Flash is battling Captain Boomerang. Come on, DC! Spoiler alert much?! Also, it's written by Joshua Williamson so I'm already yawning.

Anyway, the Killer Croc story is about how Killer Croc was made a monster by society. The end. Mind blown. What's that? Why yes, I do always make a jerk-off motion and roll my eyes when my mind is blown.

The Review!
No change. Same old same old same old as the same old that was the same old as the same old.

Suicide Squad #5

Harley Quinn isn't on the cover? I bet sales dropped off and she's back on the next cover!

Not being able to handle the suspense, I checked the next issue's cover and Harley Quinn wasn't on it. What was on it was a huge spoiler: Captain Boomerang! I knew he jumped out of his smoking shoes and hid in the Russian bathroom during the battle with Zod! While I'm ecstatic that Captain Boomerang is still alive, I'm annoyed that nobody ever dies in the Suicide Squad! Task Force X needs a new nickname. How about Pretty Fucking Good At Completing Their Missions Without Any Losses Squad?

This issue begins with somebody thinking about Oppenheimer's words after witnessing the atomic bomb test at Trinity. They're all blah blah blah this and that, so heavy dude. Oh, and I just read the Bhagavad Gita, so here's a haunting line from that!" I can never remember them because I always think that Bainbridge's quote was the better quote, which I usually pretend was said by Oppenheimer (and by pretend, I mean totally think is true): "Now we are all sons of bitches." I'm pretty sure that was in the Bhagavad Gita as well. It's been years since I've read it but it sounds about right.

You know who I'm really beginning to like? Neegan from The Walking Dead. That's one charming motherfucker! I think I mean that literally? Anyway, I hated him in the comic book because he was an ugly person drawn even ulgilier by Charlie Adlard. But in the television show, he's all silky voice and sly grins! If I were a Mister Potato Head doll, I would slap on my vagina while watching The Walking Dead and diddle myself into ecstasy. And he's such a romantic! My idea of romance is bringing home a two pack of Reeses' Christmas Trees, tearing it open, shoving one in my mouth, and winging the rest of the package into the empty cushion on the couch next to the Non-Certified Spouse, so I might have a great grasp on what is romantic.

Harley Quinn wasn't on the cover but she is on page three. DC Comics really should have a note on the cover stating that she's in this book. Do they expect Harley Quinn fans to just assume Harley is going to be in each issue now? That's taking a pretty big risk with your wallet, DC! She's introduced as the "Quinnpin of Crime." Does anybody reading this know Rob Williams, the writer? If you do, can you grab a rolled up copy of this comic book, take him aside, and smack him on the head with the comic while saying, "No! NO! Bad writer! BAD!"

Oh! I have a quiz. How can you tell you like a shitty artist when you actually think the artist is the bee's pajamas?

They draw terrible faces on characters that don't make their dick's hard. I'm going to stick with that specific body part because I'm really just talking about Jim Lee, David Finch, and Tony S. Daniel. I'm fairly certain they all have dicks. I'm absolutely certain they spend 90% of their time drawing hot women. Also, I'm only assuming they're drawing women since most of their women look like tweens.

Rick Flag explains to Amanda Waller that the Russians have a Suicide Squad of their own named the Annihilation Brigade and that somebody called "Karla" has a Russian Belle Reve of their own full of potential corpses for the greater good. For some reason, Amanda Waller doesn't say, "I know, idiot! You don't think I know that?! Get the fuck out of here!" Instead, she patiently listens to Rick define the term "cold war" while making a mental note to put him on an even worse team for the next mission.

While the Suicide Squad debriefs, some scientists in the room behind them run tests on the Phantom Zone Sphere brought back from Russia. Harley Quinn walks up to touch it and the scientists watch while saying, "That's not a good idea" and "You probably shouldn't touch that" and "This should be interesting!" But Deadshot stops her and, for his quick thinking, Amanda nearly blows his head off. Amanda Waller really needs to calm down. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar although why would you want any flies and who, other than hipsters in Portland, drinks vinegar? They were probably the kid who always drank a cup of PAAS every Easter, right?

Meanwhile, Waylon and June Moon discuss oral sex and how they don't want to engage in it with each other. Unless they do? Maybe I read that passage incorrectly.

At lunch, Hack tries to bond with Harley. Hack is the new girl rescued from the Russian Belle Reve and now living in prison, I guess?

Harley says such crazy shit. Why would you surgically attach a publicity still of John Stamos to a Humpack Whale when you could simply use a nail gun?

Waller's scientists remove Zod from the Phantom Zone Sphere and begin trying to figure out a way to make him compliant so he can be the first truly useful member of the Suicide Squad. But Rick Flag doesn't like the idea, so he pulls out his gun and shoots Amanda Waller in the face. Maybe. I mean, he probably doesn't. But that's what the the story is surely implying before it ends!

The backup story is about Hack so I'm already bored. Although I suppose the readers need some background information on her (besides how hot to trot she is for Harley). If she's going to be this team's first real death, it's good to flesh her out a bit so that the readers will feel something when she dies. So far, I know she's African and a female. If she's about to die, she's probably also a lesbian.

Stephen Byrne is doing the art. Do you think the editor had to tell him, "No, no. Amanda is fat again. No, fatter. Fatter. Quite a bit fatter. No, fatter than that. Fatter. Fatter. Do you need the dictionary definition of fat? No? You got it. Okay! ... No, no! Fatter! Ugh. Forget it."

Hack tells Waller how she became a super villain. It's rather mundane for most super villain origin stories. She grew up poor, her little brother was killed in gang violence, she mysteriously got her power, she got vengeance, she got money, and she got too big for her britches. The Russians caught her and now she's in Belle Reve. She also hacks Amanda's file which Amanda doesn't want anybody to see so it's weird that Amanda keeps a file on herself. Apparently she lost someone and that's why she's such a cold fish monster bitch. That's lame! I was hoping she was that way just because she choose to be that way and not because her daughter Havana was killed in some kind of international incident that never would have happened had the government only been equipped with a secret super villain task force!

The Review!
No change. I see Jim Lee did his full twelve pages for this installment! What a champ! Great show! Triple Plus Good!

Suicide Squad #4

Jesus Fucking Christ, DC Comics. We get it! Harley Quinn is in this comic book!

Saturday night, my mother called because she was excited about the upcoming The Walking Dead premiere. Once again, she wanted to know who I thought was going to be killed. By this time, I couldn't even remember who all of the choices were! I just knew it wouldn't be a black character because The Walking Dead might not survive killing off yet another black character. Here's the scenario I suggested to my own mother: Negan would bash Maggie in the stomach, pull out her fetus, toss it in the air, and bat it into the woods with Lucille. The Walking Dead did not go with that scenario. Too bad for them. I think that would have made great television!

The previous issues, the Suicide Squad had found themselves in a hopeless battle against Zod. If Amanda Waller knew that Zod was the target (which she must have because she's Goddamned Amanda Waller), she chose the worst team in the world to battle him. A clown with no super powers with an Australian accent. A clown with no super powers with a Brookyn accent. And some other people who aren't clowns but also do not have super powers. The only person who might stand a chance against Zod is Enchantress but she's crazy and uncontrollable and just as likely to kneel before Zod as she is to turn him into a toad.

As if battling Zod wasn't a big enough challenge, the Suicide Squad must now also battle several Russian metas with terrible names. Usually that means they've been created so that the Suicide Squad can kill them.

Isn't the Phantom Zone a place without time? How did Zod grow such a fancy mustache in a timeless place? Maybe the timelessness is why it's such an out of date style of stache.

The Russian metas are called Tunguska, Tankograd, Gulag, and Cosmonut. One of them is unnamed unless the leader simply calls himself The Annihilation Brigade. Also, I didn't typo "Cosmonut". That's the idiot's name. He looks like a giant hammer in a space suit who can only say the image of a peanut. I don't know what that sounds like but I assure you it's what he says.

Speaking of the walking dead, Amanda's new "assistant", Harcourt, comes to the conclusion that the Russian facility the Suicide Squad has invaded is Russia's own version of a Suicide Squad. Does that mean that every Russian meta who dies counts as a Suicide Squad death? Of course it doesn't! DC Comics can't fool me that easily! It might look like they're killing characters but it doesn't really count when they're made up for the story in which they die. It is possible the Annihilation Brigade have made an appearance somewhere in the past. But I've never heard of them and their names are just things that make you think of Russia. Tunguska is probably the most interesting because I can already imagine her backstory. And Cosmonut seems like the kind of character Garth Ennis would come up with so that he could torture him for sixty issues.

Flag and Hack manage to get Zod back in his Phantom Zone Sphere and Flag says, "For Boomerang." Why would he say that? Boomerang doesn't need Flag imprisoning Kryptonians for him! He could probably have done that himself if hes wasn't...wait. Where did Boomerang go? Oh, he probably ran off to hide in the bathroom during the fight.

I SAID HE'S HIDING IN THE BATHROOM!

Hack manages to pull everybody out via the Internet before the Russian Metas can reveal the name of their ghostly female member. The Squad pops out of the Internet back at Belle Reve with the Phantom Zone Sphere containing Zod. Apparently that was the plan the whole time. The only thing that went wrong was Captain Boomerang releasing Zod from the Sphere. However he managed to do that. Hack didn't remember to bring Captain Boomerang's smoking boots (which he totally jumped out of just before the heat vision almost hit him), so I imagine the Russians are going to clone Captain Boomerang and send the clone back to infiltrate the Squad. The real Captain Boomerang will just go retire to a tropical island in the back of my mind.

Once again, Jim Lee managed to get his twelve full pages done! Don't worry. He'll fall off pace soon enough and wind up doing the back-up stories. I don't know why DC thinks it's so important to have Jim Lee do the Suicide Squad. More often than not, his art is terrible masquerading as great. What I mean by that is he has a lot of fans who are terrible at art criticism.

The back-up story is about Flag and Harley Quinn. Rick Flag has decided it's time to test Harley's loyalties. Mostly she's proven loyal to the Squad because DC Comics can never again have a Suicide Squad that doesn't feature Harley Quinn because they've seen how much more money they make on this book with her in it. So what this story is supposed to do, I guess, is to justify her existence to the people who know she doesn't fit in this book at all. Although I thought Tim Seeley did a really nice job of making her an asset at the end of the last run of Suicide Squad. That must not count now since everything was Rebirthed.

In the story, Flag sacrifices half a dozen Suicide Squad Red Shirts to prove that Harley Quinn won't betray the Squad to The Joker. Or else the mission was real and just happened to be a perfect set-up to test her loyalty. Maybe the Red Shirts weren't actually killed and Harley just doesn't know how to properly check the vitals on suspiciously dead people. Anyway, Harley proves she won't betray Flag even if The Joker himself asks her to. I guess that's good to know. I'd say she still doesn't really fit on the team but Tim Seeley explained her role on the team. She's good at analyzing other super villains which makes her an asset in understanding how the opponents will react in combat. It didn't do much good on the trip to Russia though because of the cultural differences.

The Ranking!
1. Deathstork (1)
2. Suicide Squad (2)

Suicide Squad #3

Is the red dot on Katana's mask to confuse snipers who might be trying to get a bead on her?

The Commentary!
• People hate the term "fake nerd" but it's a real thing, you guys! Here's how you can tell the difference between a nerd and a fake nerd. A fake nerd thinks they're a nerd because of their interests and hobbies. A real nerd shares the same interests and hobbies but everybody thinks they're gross and ugly and won't let them sit at their lunch table. Fake nerds like to pretend that they're not cool because of their interests and hobbies but they actually think not being cool is cool and liking the things they like is cool because it's not cool (even though it's totally mainstream and cool now). A real nerd wants to be cool but can never be cool because they're gross and ugly and why the fuck are you trying to sit at my lunch table?! Fake nerds get offended at people using the term fake nerd because they know that they've never actually had to suffer like a real nerd. A real nerd doesn't want to be a nerd but can't help it because the real nerd is gross and ugly and can't find a place to sit at lunch.

• Let's face it. If you're good looking, you're a fake nerd. That's all there is to it. You can have anxiety problems or be into nerdy things or be terribly shy. But if you're not ugly, you'll never actually know the feeling of being ostracized the way real nerds are ostracized. I know it's a terrible burden to be accused of not being a big enough victim to be a real nerd. How awful for you.

• For the record, I'm not a real nerd. I am fucking marvelous to gaze upon! Or at least I was in my late teens and twenties and probably much of my thirties! Now I'm just a middle-aged guy who doesn't give a fuck about his looks. Christ, who cares?! I'd be happier being a brain in a jar! As long as the jar had a penis, of course!

• I suppose I was a real nerd in Junior High because I was fat and reading Elfquest and had constant dandruff in my eyebrows. But I never felt ostracized or picked on, so I never would have considered myself a nerd. But that was in the early to mid eighties when nobody wanted to be called out as a nerd. Being a nerd had yet to go mainstream. Although I think I was less a nerd and more just a middle-aged man who didn't give a shit about his looks who was in the body of a pre-teen (that sounds like a criminal statement). And then I got a huge crush on Marilyn Mendoza and everything changed! Except the reading Elfquest and other comics! I did lose the weight and the dandruff though!

• I don't really fucking care who is a nerd or who isn't. It's just that sometimes some things need to be said because there's a generation of people who think the world didn't exist before they were born (I mean, that's every generation as they each come along!). Being a nerd means something different to them and when people old enough to remember when it was anathema to be a nerd, it makes a big difference to see people who haven't suffered proclaiming they're a nerd. It's almost as if their pain and agony has been...appropriated. Now being a nerd is all about the trappings and the fandoms. It's easy and cool to be a nerd now. So for the people who still aren't accepted but their likes and hobbies are? That's fucking painful. And then to be outright vilified when they mention their pain? Well, real nerds will always be real nerds, it's just now the fake nerds are the ones picking on them. It was probably easier when the football player was making fun of you for playing Dungeons and Dragons. Now the people making fun of you wouldn't dream of making fun of your hobbies because they like them too. So they have to think up better ways to make fun of you, like your style and looks. But that's wrong so they tie those styles and looks into a stereotype of a person who is hateful, thus giving them a righteous shield to be an asshole.

• Anyway, Zod has escaped from the Phantom Zone in a Russian facility and he's just disintegrated Captain Boomerang with his heat vision! And I just remembered that I can cry!

Oh come on, Amanda! Like you didn't know that the Cosmic Item was actually Zod!

• As Zod fails to kill any other members of the Suicide Squad even though he could probably take them all out with a quick blast of his freeze breath, The Enchantress returns to active duty.

I am so turned on right now.

• Hack, mega-Harley fan, believes she can imprison Zod again if she doesn't die first. The Enchantress fails to protect her but Katana manages it because Katana is a bad ass with a bad ass sword that can apparently help her stop a swinging Kryptonian fist.

• How come Zod is so strong when he's been in The Phantom Zone all of this time and now that he's out, he's in a closed facility under the sea? Doesn't he need to power up with at least a little light from the yellow sun before he has any powers?

• If this were a roleplaying game and my character was Captain Boomerang, I'd be in a huge fucking fight with the Gamemaster at this point! How dare he kill my character by using a Kryptonian's heat vision when that Kryptonian shouldn't have had any powers to begin with! And I'd fucking win that argument, motherfuckers!

• While Hack hacks away and Katana and Flag pretend they're not about to die any second, Harley Quinn and Deadshot murder a battalion of Russian soldiers entering the Black Vault. After they're done making widows of about one hundred Russian women who never did anything to anybody, they meet the real obstacle keeping them from escaping the Black Vault with Zod, the Cosmic Item.

Annihilation Brigade? I would expect them to have a more Russian sounding name!

• One of their names is Cosmonut? But that's a pun! In English! Why would a Russian meta have a name with an English pun?! And one is named Tankograd?! Is that supposed to mean city of tanks? Or hail of tanks? Or does "tanko" mean something totally different?

• I believe their names, beginning in the upper left and going clockwise, are Rotary, Cosmonut Cracker, Orko, Capitan Smiley, and Past Gas.

• Jim Lee managed twelve pages this month. I think that's probably what he's supposed to be doing. But I'm going to keep an eye on him because we all know he's going to be drawing four or six page stories soon enough.

• The back-up story is about Katana and it is called "Choose". Don't worry! I won't write a rant in which I alienate more people when I should just be making stupid jokes! I'll get right into the story this time! Or maybe I'll just read the story and find it lacking and not have anything to say about it.

• Yeah. Well. Nothing to say about that!

The Ranking!
+0! DC Comics couldn't kill people in a Suicide Squad comic that ran twenty pages, how are they going to manage to kill anybody in one that runs only twelve?! It'll never happen! You'd think by now they'd have killed more than just Amanda Waller's assistants and Man-bats?! But no! Nobody! Not one person has been killed in these pages! No! I don't want hear you say anything different. Just hear me when I say nobody has died. NOBODY, GODDAMMIT! He is not dead!

Suicide Squad #2

Hey look, Harley Quinn fans! Harley is in this! Pony up the dough!

The Commentary!
• Some woman from the NSA has arrived at Belle Reve to nag Amanda Waller and backseat drive her operations and Monday morning quarterback every decision Amanda makes. What is DC's boner for having Amanda Waller work side-by-side with somebody? Now she has to deal with this Harcourt asshole whose first interaction with Waller is "Your squad sucks and is about to die." Hopefully Waller doesn't tell Harcourt that something terrible always happens to the people working closest to her.

• Oh! Remember how the last issue said that somebody would die this issue as if the readers truly believed that one of the Squad would die when there's no evidence to suggest that anybody at DC Comics is interested in having characters die in the Suicide Squad anymore? Remember all of that?! I bet Harcourt is the one who dies.

• Another possibility? Somebody drowns in this arctic waters disaster but is then brought back to life with emergency first aid.

• Even in the security of Waller's Mission Control, Harcourt can't bring herself to reveal the identity of the "Cosmic Item" the Squad are after. And I say "identity" because you know they're on a rescue mission to bring back some alien whose power America wants to weaponize.

• Usually when I type "America", I replace it with "the U.S." or "the United States" because "America" isn't really the county now, is it? But it's so much more satisfying to just type "America" without any regard to every other country which exists in North and South America.

• While Amanda deals with her new pain in the ass, Deadshot deals with his old one.

"I'll boomerang anything!" is such a fucking ridiculous thing to say that I laughed out loud. I love Captain Boomerang!

• Rick Flag, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang make it aboard the Russian facility where the Cosmic Item is being held. Flag is annoyed that he lost Katana, Harley Quinn, Killer Croc, and Enchantress but it's not like it was his fault or anything. No wait! It was his fault! He would have only lost Killer Croc if he hadn't fucked up the drop ship's balance by trying to save Killer Croc. Plus, Killer Croc probably wouldn't have choked on his own vomit. He's a crocodile! I don't think they can choke on stuff!

• Plus, the others didn't die! They arrive just seconds later with Croc clutching them all in his claws. Because he's good at swimming and holding his breath and clutching women! What a hero!

• Incredibly, the Russians are alerted to the breach in the hull of their submerged base and come investigating with their best investigative tools: AK-47s! See? They're not only good for killing humans and compensating for tiny wieners! They're also good for finding people who have broken into your complex and killing them! Oh! Never mind. That falls under the killing humans thing. So I guess their only other use is to compensate.

I don't care about Harley's out-of-place rant on neoliberalism; I just loved Digger's well-timed and accurate boomerang throw.

• I'm eight pages into the story and it's just getting good! That probably means I'm nearing the end of Jim Lee's page count for the month. Can somebody teach that guy how to draw faster? And maybe how not to draw so many lines on people's faces?

• Once all of the guards' families have lost their probable sole source of income and will now lose their home, get kicked out in the snow, and starve if they don't freeze first, the Suicide Squad continue searching for the Cosmic Item. Apparently the best way to find its location in the legendary sounding Black Vault is to free a Harley Quinn fan named Hack. What the fuck is she doing in a Russian prison?! What kind of huge mistake did she get caught up in that brought her here? Probably another version of the Suicide Squad, right?

• Hack turns the Squad into digital information so that they can travel via data streams and arrive instantaneously in The Black Vault. Captain Boomerang shits himself which he, apparently, tends to do quite often. He's pretty nonchalant about the whole thing which leads me to believe he's a raging alcoholic and shitting himself is just a normal occurrence in his life.

• The Cosmic Item seems to be a piece of the Phantom Zone which Captain Boomerang decides to investigate for some reason totally out of his character. Which is why he winds up a smoking pair of boots as a blast shoots out of the sphere. It either completely annihilates him (the death promised from last issue!) or he's just been knocked out of his boots by the blast and sucked into the Phantom Zone. It's hard to tell because would DC Comics allow Captain Boomerang to die so quickly in Rebirth? I'm thinking...yeah, probably! I mean, now they can replace him with a lesbian Boomerang! Win/win/win!

• The person climbing out of the Phantom Zone sphere is Zod. You can tell it's Zod because he says, "Kneel before Zod." And I can't think of anybody but Zod who has ever or would ever say that. Aside from about fifty thousand nerds who probably think they're funny and say it daily.

• The Suicide Squad probably can't beat Zod but I won't find out until next month because the comic book just ran out of Jim Lee finished pages. Time for the filler story!

• The filler story is about Captain Boomerang. So it's either an epitaph to his life or a story which will introduce everybody to his perky, younger lesbian sister.

See? This is why he's constantly shitting himself! Too much lager and curry!

• Digger also mentions having IBS. So, there you go. Totally nonchalant about shitting himself.

• Captain Boomerang tells a hilarious lie to Amanda Waller about his past. She knows it's a lie but she's trying to get to some kind of truth about his motives and desires. The only thing I learn from his story is that Perth is the Cleveland of Australia!

• Apparently Captain Boomerang's entire backstory is this: he has Daddy Issues. That's surprising! Although I feel like I've heard that backstory before? Hmm. Oh well! That's the end! Hopefully not of Captain Boomerang though! That death has to be another one of those fake out deaths, right?! Digger probably boomeranged himself back into Hack's digital network, right? Or he boomeranged himself out of his boots just in the nick of time! Or he...he...he's dead, isn't he?! BWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Review!
Big deal! So Rob Williams killed a member of the Suicide Squad! What a tough guy! What a big shot! What a fucking jerk! How dare he kill of Captain Boomerang?! What was he thinking?! Is it because he just didn't like Digger's carefree, chaotic attitude?! Is that why he decided to kill him off in the same issue that he made it canon that he shits himself?! People talk about writers Mary Suing shit but what do you call it when you take out your anger and hatred of a character by embarrassing them and then killing them? What do you call that?! I call it petty and sad! How's that for a review, Mr. Williams?!

Ranking: +2! What can I say?! He actually killed somebody and I fucking loved the filler story!

Suicide Squad #1

Okay! That's about my threshold for Jim Lee's art! Hopefully the cover was all he could finish before the issue was ready to ship.

The Commentary!
I was recently asked what I feel nostalgic for and one of the main things is probably my twenties. Not for any particular experience alone but for the general mindset of being in one's twenties. It's probably the best decade for an atheistic existentialist. I was an adult in full control of my life and yet, even though I didn't necessarily feel immortal, I knew I could defer mortality for my thirties. My twenties was a time when I knew I would have a whole lifetime ahead of me even after they were over, so why not spend them doing whatever the fuck I wanted? Some people probably get hives reading that attitude toward a person's twenties and think, "But you could have gotten started on your future financial security!" I suppose when I'm in my sixties, maybe I'll think differently about the way I spent my twenties, but I'm more of an eat dessert first and then don't eat the shit you don't want to eat and then maybe have dessert again later kind of people. My twenties were there to do as much acid as I could without the knowledge of my mortality turning every trip into a spiraling disaster of self-pity. My twenties were for traveling, across the country and across Asia, because after leaving home, I didn't have any kind of responsibilities anchoring me to any specific place. But mostly there's a kind of openness to a person's twenties. It's the last time your future is going to be composed of infinite possibilities. When I entered my twenties, I had no idea what my life would be like in my thirties. But as I entered my thirties, I was fairly certain I knew quite a bit about where my life would be entering my forties. And as I entered my forties, I sure as shit know where I'll be when I enter my fifties, unless something completely tragically random happens. That's, you know, always a possibility! Which is why I figured spending my twenties like a rock and roll vagabond was my best bet! I feel like my twenties could have been a disaster and I'd still be nostalgic for the philosophical mindset that I had during that decade of my life. There was a freedom to being able to put your life on hold because there were still many more decades to follow. Being unencumbered, in every sense of the word, meant I was as free as I would ever be. I suppose I could head back up to Snoqualmie and sleep outside on top of a picnic bench in a campground in the mountains while watching a meteor shower to try to relive some memories of the time but it wouldn't be the same. Because back then, I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be and nothing driving me in any direction. Now, I'd be lying there thinking, "Well, I have to get back to work in a few days and probably feed the cat and maybe let the Non-Certified Spouse know that I haven't died and then there's rent and bills and fuck me why aren't I dead already?" Hmm. That turned darker than it should have. I just meant to point out that it's the particular mindset of my twenties that I feel nostalgic for because I can never have that kind of freedom from responsibility and my own mortality ever again.

This issue begins with Amanda Waller contemplating the existence of evil in the world. "Evil" is a loaded word. When religious people want you to admit that evil exists, they mean something far more terrifying than mere actions. I never admit to anybody who asks that evil exists even if I think the things that some people do are evil. Because when asked that question, they're asking about some effusive substance that can enter the hearts and heads of normal men and women and turn them from a righteous and peaceful path. What they're never asking is if some people simply do evil shit because they simply suck. Would I say some act that resulted in any number of people dead an evil act? Sure. Would I go so far as to say the person was evil? Probably not. People are complicated creatures who do a lot of stupid and evil shit for reasons we can never fully understand. But one of those reasons is not that they were infiltrated by some caustic energy that turned them into an evil entity that has lost all humanity. Even many serial killers I wouldn't claim were evil because I understand, somewhat, how minds can be disastrously fucked up for a myriad amount of reasons. Although maybe the Nightstalker, Richard Ramirez, was evil! But that's as far as I'll admit to believing in evil. That dude was scary! Plus he was brought down by a bunch of regular citizens and that makes for a great story about good triumphing over evil! Even though I totally don't believe in evil! Don't fucking argue with me, Soy Rakelson!

Also don't argue with me if you're not Soy Rakelson because a lot of that was just anti-Soy Rakelson sentiment. It's like a callous built up in my brain due to my high school Catholic friend's constant attempts to get me to admit that evil is real so that he could pull me into his religious frame of mind and help save my soul. Why couldn't he just shut up and play Tecmo Bowl in silence?!

So, um, Amanda is thinking about how she's happy to find people to pay the price in her war against evil. That's her sacrifice: finding people to sacrifice. It's a tough job but nobody really has to do it. She just likes doing it. So it's, um, not much of a sacrifice then, is it? But I think it keeps her away from her kids! That's the sacrifice! Whew! I knew there was something there. Thanks artwork for showing that framed picutre of Amanda's family!

This issue is called "I Wanna Be Sedated" because there weren't enough musical cues in the first five minutes of the Suicide Squad movie. Now I'm being told how to feel by a soundtrack in a comic book that I have to sing in my own head!

Just as I thought! Jim Lee is already having trouble drawing an overweight person!

Amanda, Rick Flag, and Katana have come together to build the first team of the series. Amanda tells Katana, "Gimme a five-strong team this time." What the hell is that about? Amanda is allowing Katana to pick who goes on missions? That's not like Amanda at all! She controls everything around her! She manipulates it all! She would never allow...oh! I get it. Amanda knows who Katana will pick and they're the people Amanda wants on the team so she's letting Katana feel like she has some power and control! Oh, Amanda! You're the best! You even made people think the Suicide Squad movie had no plot because it was all about how you convinced the government to fund your group with the help of one of the people in your group you knew you couldn't control and by her losing control, you gained an opportunity to show the government what your team can do while also eliminating the person you couldn't control. Such a fat, fat genius!

I like how Belle Reve is set up in this issue. Amanda has a control center which has access to every cell in the complex. The cells are moved about so that the criminals can be brought to the command center still in there cell. It gives the illusion that a Squad can be made up of any of dozens of supervillains. Of course, we already know most of the characters that will be used over and over again because DC Comics doesn't really know how to best utilize the Suicide Squad anymore. It's still just full of characters that won't be killed and one that brings all the money to the yard.

Wait a second now. Harley Quinn gets to have guns in her cell? And Boomerang his boomerangs? Is the the Belle Reve Hilton?

In the previous scan, Amanda calls the Squad "moral ingrates." What the fuck does that mean? "I'm ungrateful for morals! Nyah!" And, let's face it, what the fuck is wrong with her beginning her speech to them with "criminal filth"? She might as well just spit on them all as she hands out assignments. I guess this shows how much she's sacrificing! She can't stand to be in the presence of these moral ingrates but she'll do it for her country and to save innocent lives! Oh, Amanda! You're such a martyr!

On an irrelevant note, I'm super horny for June Moon.

Deadshot is all pumped to go kill somebody, so he's a good fit for the team. Harley also loves the dirty work so she's not going to give Amanda any problems. Killer Croc's only request is that the Squad doesn't go into space which seems like a really stupid request because what is there to fight in space? Did a Russian get space madness on the international space station and steal one of the American's box of Oreos? And now he needs to be killed for it? But, you know, covertly! Captain Boomerang acts like he doesn't really want to go but he totally wants to go. Also he was called "Captain Boomerang" so I'm about as happy as I'm capable of being with the knowledge that I will one day die. And June Moon is all, "Don't look at my tits! I don't want anybody looking at my tits! Also, why am I in jail, who are you all, what the fuck is going on, can I have a lawyer, and which way to the bathroom?"

The mission is in Russia to retrieve a "cosmic item" and the only way to get there is a suborbital route in a spaceship. So I guess Croc isn't too happy about this. But he'll be happy about the second part which is that the Cosmic Item is being kept in an undersea prison! You know, I think maybe Katana could have chosen some better options for this Squad. Black Manta? Ocean Master? Scavenger? Killer Shark? Carcharo? Come on, Katana! Use your ramen!

The space ship can't land or the Russians might notice it so instead it just drops the Squad from orbit in some kind of reentry merry-go-round. This causes Killer Croc to vomit in his space suit putting him at risk of Jimi Hendrixing. Flag refuses to watch that happen to one of his squad and risks the whole entire rest of the team by screwing up the balance of the falling merry-go-round to save Croc.

See how Deadshot is holding Flag in two different panels and helping him maneuver? He's doing that in his sleep, apparently, because he doesn't wake up until the next page.

I get the feeling that the editors aren't allowed to tell Jim Lee he needs to redraw something he fucked up. Firstly because he'll never have enough time to draw everything if he has to redraw Harley coming out of her cell without guns or Deadshot not helping Rick Flag because he's supposed to be asleep. And secondly because he's the boss of the editors and, in the corporate world, I don't think you're allowed to tell your boss that they completely fucked up everything.

Rick gets June to wake up The Enchantress who winds up not helping at all because she's a total dick. Unless her spell right before impact is actually all that keeps the Squad alive as they punch through the ice and into arctic waters. The story ends after only about thirteen pages with the Squad sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I guess that's one way to make sure Jim Lee makes his deadlines. Just use as much story as he can finish and then shove a Next Issue box at the bottom of his last finished page and stick in some back-up material. The Next Issue box at the end of this story says "Next: Someone literally dies." Well, nobody on the Squad will die. Possibly Enchantress or June Moon. But I'm guessing the someone who literally dies will be somebody they meet next issue because that's a cute trick that won't get fans angry at all. I will say it's nice that they're trying to convince the audience that people will die this time in the Suicide Squad since nobody but Man-Bats and Amanda Waller's assistants died in New Suicide Squad.

The backup story is a Personnel File on Deadshot. It's a story about his past so that we can learn he's got a death wish, probably. He was meant to kill Bruce Wayne for Kobra so he could make ten million dollars. But I'm fairly certain that didn't happen because the story shows him in the present in jail talking with Amanda Waller. She makes sure to mention multiple times how Floyd has a death wish and suicidal tendencies. But she also makes sure to mention that he's trying to do right by his twelve year old daughter Zoe. If it weren't for her, he'd probably end it all. But since he doesn't want to fail her (in his own, weird sense of honor), he can't kill himself. But that doesn't mean he won't look death right in the eye when it comes from some other source, shake its hand, and thank it for doing its job.

Back to the past, Deadshot learns he won't get ten million for killing Bruce Wayne because Kobra thinks he'll do the job for free since they've kidnapped his daughter. I think that just means he's going to kill a whole lot of Kobras for free, actually. Lawton managed to contact Batman and they pulled a World's Finest to save Zoe. He promised Batman he'd use only rubber bullets on the mission but when one of them threatens to kill Zoe, he puts a bullet in the guy's head. Zoe learns her father is a murderer and Batman throws Lawton in jail. Lawton, having disappointed his daughter, didn't care after that. And now he's a member of the Suicide Squad! Lucky!

The Review!
I think they've got the Suicide Squad set-up as close to the original as it's ever going to get again. It's not like Ostrander's Suicide Squad has to happen again, and I don't mind a company taking a different take on a franchise. Ostrander did it himself, right? And he struck gold! But most of The New 52 Suicide Squad was crap at best and more crap at worst, with brief, brief forays into finding itself in surprisingly readable. But I can't say much about how "surprisingly readable" this issue is because Jim Lee sort of curtailed the story from the outset due to his inability to draw twenty pages in a month. So I like the set-up. I can probably live with the characterizations although this issue was so short that Rob Williams was just sticking the most obvious dialogue into their mouths so readers could get at least a bit of a handle on each character and who they are. So Captain Boomerang is the one who drags his feet and doesn't want to play the game. Deadshot wants to die and show off his skills. Harley is crazy and plays Pokémon Go. Killer Croc isn't great at amusement parks. Katana picks horrible people for underwater missions. June Moon doesn't want to be there because--and I'm only guessing at this--she really wants me to be fucking her up against a pinball machine. And Rick Flag loves his team, no matter how jerky they are. So I've got the premise and I've got the characters! Now I just need to figure out what to do with this boner June Moon gave me.

Justice League #40

My male gaze is melting!

Just because Hal Jordan dropped by for one issue doesn't mean he should be a part of the Magic Mike cover. He should be replaced by Lex Luthor. Or Billy Batson! Although I super duper appreciate Batman keeping the cowl on. I wonder if he has a teeny, tiny cowl for his cock? I mean, I'm sure it's not that teeny tiny!

The more I look at this cover, the more uncomfortable I get. Not because I'm heterosexual and I'm still slowly stroking my penis! It's because none of them have any nipples! Egads! What is that about?! Did they one time fight The De-Nippler?

Last issue concluded the amazing Amazo story which was just totally mediocre. But it was written by Geoff Johns so I think I tricked myself into believing it was better than it was because he's super awesome at writing big blockbuster comic book stories, right? He's also the Chief Creative Officer at DC Comics. He has "Officer" and "Chief" in his title! That gives him lots and lots of authority! I just wish somebody would tack "Science" onto that title somewhere because Geoff Johns' inability to write believable pseudo-science is wearing on my last pseudo-nerve! Plus he's bad at math.

Anyway, the best part of the last issue was when Wonder Woman flirted with Captain Cold. I hope that relationship goes somewhere!

This issue is a prologue to The Justice League Darkseid War. It begins with Metron pointing out the problems inherent in a comic book company which keeps destroying its own universe in order to fix the universe.

Is this story going to lead into "Negligible Crisis: The Near Crisis to End All Crises"?

Since one more universe shattering death and rebirth will destroy DC Comics once and for all, Metron, like Mr. Belvedere, has appeared to save us all.

Metron mentions the two most evil beings in the universe are going to battle. I suppose he means Darkseid and Dick Cheney. Oh, ha ha! How droll! I made a Dick Cheney joke! Should anybody even remember that political Gollum? He probably slunk off into a crack in the side of Mt. DIA (Denver International Airport) to prepare his next evil scheme.

Speaking of conspiracy theories, last night on the way to Taco Bell (Screw you! I'm not going to apologize for my horrible diet! Although I will get defensive about it and yell at imaginary people!), I was listening to Coast to Coast AM. George Noory was talking to somebody about Project HAARP controlling the weather. After talking about that for awhile, he segued into another thought by saying, "Let's talk about conspiracy theories now...". He then mentioned how some people he knew in Santa Cruz were theorizing that perhaps some other country had weather controlling technology and it wasn't HAARP doing it at all!

Coast to Coast AM's line for "conspiracy theory" is different than most people's.

If he's been around since before everything, who forbade him? Jack Kirby?

So Metron's job is simply to observe and keep track of the universe. I don't know who he works for but I guess he likes his job and the perks are good enough so that he'll break the rules a bit when the end of everything seems imminent. He then interferes to save his job.

Metron tells the story about the first time he intervened to save his job. That was when a war between Apokolips and New Genesis threatened to destroy the very fabric of existence! Probably. That's the only way Metron will wind up bored. If they only destroyed one universe, he'd still have plenty of people to spy on in other universes.

Metron brokered the deal between Darkseid and Highfather to exchange sons. Darkseid would get a mewling little puss named Scott Free. Highfather would get an annoying, crass little shit named Orion. And the wars between Apokolips and New Genesis would...well, they probably wouldn't stop. But neither side would try so hard to kill the other now that the fate of everything would be at stake. And so Metron would keep his job. For awhile.

"One day, Wonder Woman will cup my balls in her hand and I will remember how you act here and now so that I can pretend I am not coming in my pants but quaking in fear!"

Metron continues with the second time he almost became unemployed: Crisis on Infinite Earths. He has to tell this story so that he can tell next month's story because I'm pretty sure one of the "most powerful and evil beings" will be the Anti-Monitor and not actually, as I previously surmised, Dick Cheney.

Metron's third flirtation with the bread lines came when Extant tried to rework history and sell DC Comics by numbering them backwards.

The fourth time Metron almost lost his job was one I never read but I think it must have been Final Crisis.

And finally, Metron was barely able to keep his lights on when Flashpoint didn't end all universes but created an...ahem...Omniverse of 52 new Universes. This time, the universe is barely holding together. Mostly, I think, because the reboot doesn't matter quite as much as DC Comics was hoping it would. Most of the characters barely changed at all and when they did, they just became versions of themselves which had existed at some point in DC's past anyway. And now forty issues into this new universe, it's become apparent that most of the characters have basically retained all of their past histories anyway. It's just that some of the characters from before the reboot are still missing.

So what happens when DC Comics gives their fans a reboot that once again causes their fans to grumble, bitch, whine, moan, and groan? Another universe ending epic happens, that's what! But Metron is determined to stop this next one! Or at least make it so that the fans can be happy with whatever DC Comics comes up with.

Holy shit. Mobius? That explains everything!

So Metron stole the Anti-Monitor's chair and the Anti-Monitor has spent years tearing everything down looking for his comfy chair. That's the same reason that Darkseid has been destroying universe after universe! Because he's looking for a comfortable chair for his gigantic stone ass!

Chairs were never invented on Apokolips.

Metron believes that DC Comics cannot survive another universe ending event which births yet another universe. So he tries to convince the Anti-Monitor to simply retire. Metron should give him the chair! He can cruise the multiverse in comfort and he'll no longer feel like destroying anything. Then Metron can get the Furniture Makers of Qward to design another chair for Darkseid.

The Anti-Monitor has decided he wants a war with Darkseid because he's tired of being the Destroyer. Somehow the death of the New Gods will allow the Anti-Monitor to...I don't know. Not be the destroyer? Whatever. He has help from Darkseid's daughter, Omega. I think her name is Omega, right? Metron is kicked out of his chair and then the next time blurb mentions this story will be continued in DC Comics: Divergence which was available on Free Comic Book Day which I missed because I was out of town.

Justice League #40 Rating: No change. DC Comics has decided that universe ending crises are stupid bullshit that only causes more problems. But what if they had a universe ending crisis that acknowledged all of the previous universe ending crises, thus allowing for all of DC's universes to coexist in one huge Scott Lobdellian Omniverse?! Then that crisis wouldn't be stupid bullshit at all! It would be a magnificent tour de force of tour-de-forcian magnitudes! Comic book readers wouldn't roll their eyes and put their money back in their pockets for this one! They'd have to shell out the big bucks to read this postmodern take on the crisis to end all crises! Oh, Geoff Johns! You're a magical being of pure magic! Like naming the Anti-Monitor "Mobius" thus giving him an instant backstory and a mysterious origin tied to Metron's chair! I'm diddling myself as I type! Now I just need to get my hands on a copy of Divergence!