The Hellblazer #8

Why isn't this how we display the corpses of our ancestors?

The Review!
In this Teen Plus non-Vertigo issue of Hellblazer, Constantine almost says cunt. That's about as close as you're going to get with the Rebirth version. But at least it's better than The New 52 version! Although the DC You version wasn't so bad.

Speaking of Teen Plus comic books, a man came into my local comic book store yesterday with his daughter (she looked about eight. But what do I know about fucking kids? I don't mean what do I know about having sex with kids! Gross! I was just using the word fucking as an intensifier!). She wanted to buy an issue of Green Arrow and he was asking the owner if the issue was appropriate for a young child. Before I could say, "A few issues ago in Green Arrow, John Diggle fucked a bear in a field of heroin!", the owner pointed out that the comic was Teen Plus and might have some stuff that wouldn't be suitable for an eight year old. So her assistant took the father and daughter into the back to find a copy that wasn't sealed (it was the issue with the Badlands comic book sealed up inside). I'm assuming that once they went into the back room, some Oompa Loompas sang a song about destroying the innocence of children.

"What do you do when your kid wants some porn?
Whip them and beat them and fill them with scorn.
Let them read violence and horror and gore!
Cause if they see sex they will...become...a whore!
Just like ma and pa did!"

I told that story because I don't have anything to say about this comic book. In John's pursuit of a way to kill Djinn, he's figured out that the gang member he chased away from the old guy's house has the old guy's journal. And since a rival of his, Misabel Lefebve, is seeking the journal, John figures it must be what he needs. So they team up to go steal the book back from the French kid who stole it last issue. He's a good kid taking care of his younger sister, so I'm sure he'll die horribly.

The Ranking!
No change!

The Hellblazer #7

Paris Uber is the worst.

The Review!
This issue begins with Constantine declaring it a deal breaker if somebody puts their tea bag in after pouring the water. Usually I'm completely behind everything Constantine does or says because he's the greatest DC Comic Book Character in their entire universe¹. But I hate this fucking attitude. I'm sick of people having such strong convictions over meaningless aspects of daily life. If one more person throws a fucking fit over pineapples on pizza or does a spit-take while reading because they encounter a serial comma, I'm going to start stabbing everybody in the throat. Great. Have your fucking opinion on something that, if other people think differently, won't change your life in the least. But stop acting like you're Joan of Arc willing to be burnt at the stake in defense of your mundane opinion. Tea bag in before or after the water? Who bloody fucking cares?!

Cue people telling me I'm having in inappropriately strong conviction over something that doesn't matter in the least. Also, fuck those people. They probably can't stand it when other people chew ice on an airplane. I'm allowed to have hyperbolic reactions to things because that's what this fucking stupid blog is all about, you morons. It's like that one asshole one time who decided that he would point out all of my typos after I got done savaging Howard Mackie's writing on The Ravagers. Those are two completely different situations and if you can't see the difference, you're either willfully stupid just to feel smug or, you know, just stupid. DC had editors and was charging people money to edit his work. I only edit my reviews a month after I've written them, when I reread them for the first time just before reading the new issue of the series. If anything, that asshole would have just been helping me out in the editing phase. I think he just thought he would be humiliating me. He never responded again after I thoroughly disemboweled him with my word katana.

You're in DC Comics' Paris. The Eiffel Tower is in every single establishing shot of the city. How else would I have known Constantine was taking Paris Uber just by looking at the cover?! The filthy pigeons could have made it any city!

This issue is part one of "The Smokeless Fire." But they weren't done with the last story, were they?! I guess Mercury trapping a genie in her head while the other genie gathered the Magicians of London together to save the world and/or battle Constantine was an ending? At least for awhile? This is probably just one of those stories that needs to be told before finishing the other story because something integral to the plot in this one will be used to save the day in the other one.

The story is the story of the man Constantine and Mercury have Chunneled to Paris for help against the Djinn. The story is about an expedition he took in 1936 to a place where Djinn were said to live. Constantine first heard the story from the old man in a bar. Now he's come to Paris because he's starting to think the old man's story was true and not just an attempt to get into John's pants.

Nice synopsis panel for those of us with bad memories. I also included the next panel because John uses the word "arsehole" and Mercury references Through the Looking Glass.

Constantine and Mercury aren't the only ones trying to find Old Man Genie Killer, Esquire. A bunch of young Parisian punks have decided they're going to rob his ass. They almost run over Mercury while fast and furiousing their way to steal the old man's antiques. Mercury manages to read their minds and realizes they're after the same bloke. I guess Constantine and Mercury having a conversation while they walk to the old guy's home wasn't exciting enough for a comic book. This is the action part to keep everybody's penises in their hands. Yes, that's a sexist statement. Just wait to hear what I have to say when there's a kiss!

The old man confesses the location of his secret diary to Dante, the newest and most human of the gang². When John and Mercury arrive, Dante flees with the book as the old man lies dying of a heart attack. Mercury stays behind to save the old man's life with her, um, mind powers? I guess? Constantine takes Paris Uber out the window and onto the rooftops. But he misses his connection, falls into a bush, and is arrested by Paris cops. Dante flees back home and begins reading the diary of the old man. Well, at least Dante will know how to kill a Djinn! That could come in useful in some other story that's about Dante and not Constantine. Constantine, on the other hand, is fucked.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm disappointed that Moritat didn't do the art again. But everything else was satisfying. Except maybe that part where Constantine held a mundane conviction too strongly. __________________________
¹That I'll be mentioning in this comic book review.
²Dante had a scene earlier teaching his little sister math and promising to never leave her. The other gang members were inhuman monsters. You could tell because they didn't get any scenes in which they weren't just stereotypes.

Suicide Squad #3

Is the red dot on Katana's mask to confuse snipers who might be trying to get a bead on her?

The Commentary!
• People hate the term "fake nerd" but it's a real thing, you guys! Here's how you can tell the difference between a nerd and a fake nerd. A fake nerd thinks they're a nerd because of their interests and hobbies. A real nerd shares the same interests and hobbies but everybody thinks they're gross and ugly and won't let them sit at their lunch table. Fake nerds like to pretend that they're not cool because of their interests and hobbies but they actually think not being cool is cool and liking the things they like is cool because it's not cool (even though it's totally mainstream and cool now). A real nerd wants to be cool but can never be cool because they're gross and ugly and why the fuck are you trying to sit at my lunch table?! Fake nerds get offended at people using the term fake nerd because they know that they've never actually had to suffer like a real nerd. A real nerd doesn't want to be a nerd but can't help it because the real nerd is gross and ugly and can't find a place to sit at lunch.

• Let's face it. If you're good looking, you're a fake nerd. That's all there is to it. You can have anxiety problems or be into nerdy things or be terribly shy. But if you're not ugly, you'll never actually know the feeling of being ostracized the way real nerds are ostracized. I know it's a terrible burden to be accused of not being a big enough victim to be a real nerd. How awful for you.

• For the record, I'm not a real nerd. I am fucking marvelous to gaze upon! Or at least I was in my late teens and twenties and probably much of my thirties! Now I'm just a middle-aged guy who doesn't give a fuck about his looks. Christ, who cares?! I'd be happier being a brain in a jar! As long as the jar had a penis, of course!

• I suppose I was a real nerd in Junior High because I was fat and reading Elfquest and had constant dandruff in my eyebrows. But I never felt ostracized or picked on, so I never would have considered myself a nerd. But that was in the early to mid eighties when nobody wanted to be called out as a nerd. Being a nerd had yet to go mainstream. Although I think I was less a nerd and more just a middle-aged man who didn't give a shit about his looks who was in the body of a pre-teen (that sounds like a criminal statement). And then I got a huge crush on Marilyn Mendoza and everything changed! Except the reading Elfquest and other comics! I did lose the weight and the dandruff though!

• I don't really fucking care who is a nerd or who isn't. It's just that sometimes some things need to be said because there's a generation of people who think the world didn't exist before they were born (I mean, that's every generation as they each come along!). Being a nerd means something different to them and when people old enough to remember when it was anathema to be a nerd, it makes a big difference to see people who haven't suffered proclaiming they're a nerd. It's almost as if their pain and agony has been...appropriated. Now being a nerd is all about the trappings and the fandoms. It's easy and cool to be a nerd now. So for the people who still aren't accepted but their likes and hobbies are? That's fucking painful. And then to be outright vilified when they mention their pain? Well, real nerds will always be real nerds, it's just now the fake nerds are the ones picking on them. It was probably easier when the football player was making fun of you for playing Dungeons and Dragons. Now the people making fun of you wouldn't dream of making fun of your hobbies because they like them too. So they have to think up better ways to make fun of you, like your style and looks. But that's wrong so they tie those styles and looks into a stereotype of a person who is hateful, thus giving them a righteous shield to be an asshole.

• Anyway, Zod has escaped from the Phantom Zone in a Russian facility and he's just disintegrated Captain Boomerang with his heat vision! And I just remembered that I can cry!

Oh come on, Amanda! Like you didn't know that the Cosmic Item was actually Zod!

• As Zod fails to kill any other members of the Suicide Squad even though he could probably take them all out with a quick blast of his freeze breath, The Enchantress returns to active duty.

I am so turned on right now.

• Hack, mega-Harley fan, believes she can imprison Zod again if she doesn't die first. The Enchantress fails to protect her but Katana manages it because Katana is a bad ass with a bad ass sword that can apparently help her stop a swinging Kryptonian fist.

• How come Zod is so strong when he's been in The Phantom Zone all of this time and now that he's out, he's in a closed facility under the sea? Doesn't he need to power up with at least a little light from the yellow sun before he has any powers?

• If this were a roleplaying game and my character was Captain Boomerang, I'd be in a huge fucking fight with the Gamemaster at this point! How dare he kill my character by using a Kryptonian's heat vision when that Kryptonian shouldn't have had any powers to begin with! And I'd fucking win that argument, motherfuckers!

• While Hack hacks away and Katana and Flag pretend they're not about to die any second, Harley Quinn and Deadshot murder a battalion of Russian soldiers entering the Black Vault. After they're done making widows of about one hundred Russian women who never did anything to anybody, they meet the real obstacle keeping them from escaping the Black Vault with Zod, the Cosmic Item.

Annihilation Brigade? I would expect them to have a more Russian sounding name!

• One of their names is Cosmonut? But that's a pun! In English! Why would a Russian meta have a name with an English pun?! And one is named Tankograd?! Is that supposed to mean city of tanks? Or hail of tanks? Or does "tanko" mean something totally different?

• I believe their names, beginning in the upper left and going clockwise, are Rotary, Cosmonut Cracker, Orko, Capitan Smiley, and Past Gas.

• Jim Lee managed twelve pages this month. I think that's probably what he's supposed to be doing. But I'm going to keep an eye on him because we all know he's going to be drawing four or six page stories soon enough.

• The back-up story is about Katana and it is called "Choose". Don't worry! I won't write a rant in which I alienate more people when I should just be making stupid jokes! I'll get right into the story this time! Or maybe I'll just read the story and find it lacking and not have anything to say about it.

• Yeah. Well. Nothing to say about that!

The Ranking!
+0! DC Comics couldn't kill people in a Suicide Squad comic that ran twenty pages, how are they going to manage to kill anybody in one that runs only twelve?! It'll never happen! You'd think by now they'd have killed more than just Amanda Waller's assistants and Man-bats?! But no! Nobody! Not one person has been killed in these pages! No! I don't want hear you say anything different. Just hear me when I say nobody has died. NOBODY, GODDAMMIT! He is not dead!

Batman Beyond #12

Don't worry, DC Youniverse's horrible future! Old Man Wayne is here to fix it all!

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Wired for Death" and it's part 1 of 4. Wait. What?! Goddammit! I thought all of the current DC Comics were ending immediately! I thought I was going to be buying a few less comic books per month due to DC's new economic plan of selling less titles but more biweeklies! And now I've glanced at the solicits for August and I'm really depressed! Earth 2: Society, Teen Titans, and Doctor Fate still haven't been cancelled as of August?! I hate everybody at DC Comics.

Thankfully, I really don't mind that Batman Beyond is still going. It might not be Moby Dick (although it might also be Moby Dick since I haven't read that (mostly because I kept falling asleep and dreaming about having gay sailor sex on top of drying sheets of whale penis skin)) but it's entertaining enough to make me forget about death for a few minutes. And who can put a price on that? Well, DC can. They're charging $2.99 for it! That's a bit exorbitant since I'm fairly certain I can read this comic book in five minutes if I weren't taking the extra time to pretend to review it while actually just constantly digressing into boring anecdotes like that one about how I tried to read Moby Dick.

I feel like I skipped past this bit a little too quickly: Doctor Fate is still in the August solicits! How was this stupid fucking piece of shit comic book not cancelled months ago?! Here's the entire story of every issue: Something weird and paranormal happens. Doctor Fate thinks, "I must be dreaming!" Another weird thing happens. Doctor Fate thinks, "Am I on drugs?" Doctor Fate's neighbor tries to suck his dick. Doctor Fate thinks, "I don't have time for that!"

I don't know what's happening in this story but Old Man Bruce and Old Dog Titus (probably like Titus IV or V, actually) are in it. They're not supposed to be in it, right? Is this some kind of flashback? Probably not since it's called "Wired for Death" and the last issue ended with Rewire twiddling his fingers and going, "Nyuck nyuck nyuck!" Or something more sinister than that. I mean, I guess this can be a flashback. It's probably Barbara remembering the moment Terry put Rewire into Bruce's computer. Because in the present, Tim is probably accessing Bruce's computer to read about Rewire. So maybe that is the original Titus! Dogs can live thirty years, right? If you truly love them!

Oh. It's only Ace. Now I'm sad about dead Titus. And Batcow. And Alfred Pennyworth the Cat.

In Barbara's memory, she talks about Tim Drake with Terry McGinnis. She points out that Tim was so fucking smart that he realized Batman and Bruce Wayne were the same person. Please! The only thing that proves is that the rest of the DC Youniverse is so stupid they couldn't figure it out. I don't mind believing that nobody can figure out Bruce is Batman or Clark is Superman for some reason. Fine! But don't go and blow the whole illusion by pretending that if somebody figures it out, they're somehow a genius! That's just bringing attention to the whole stupid barely secret secret identity thing! Also, just for the record, Tim didn't figure it out in The New 52. Oh, sure, Scott Lobdell rewrote the story so that Tim was only pretending not to have guessed so he wouldn't hurt Bruce's feelings. But that was just Lobdell doing that thing Lobdell does where he writes a story that gets criticism and then shouts, "Wait! Wait! You can't have an adverse opinion until you see the end of the story!" Then he pretends he didn't end the story and goes back to revisit the thing he did poorly and changes it so that he can say, "See, you dumb dumb idiot morons?! I was totally doing the thing you wanted but you were just too impatient! So stupid."

The story returns to the present (future? Whichever one has old Babs with grey hair) where Tim is investigating a break-in at STAR Labs! I bet it's Rewire! Rewire is almost a palindrome if you hit your head against the wall five times fast and then look at it.

Commissioner Babs is Batman Beyond's Penny-One and Jim Gordon. Hmm. I wonder which one Batman was fucking? Oh wait! Tim isn't fucking Babs yet! Or maybe ever. She is kind of old. Not that there's anything wrong with an old woman fucking a young buck like Tim Drake! But there probably is something wrong with Tim Drake fucking an old mare like Babs! If that was sexist, strike and reverse it! Or just let them fuck like I first fantasized, you judgmental asshole!

Batman Beyond catches Rewire stealing from STAR Labs and accuses him of a murder from Issue #7. Rewire is all, "I'm not going down for something I didn't do!" Well then, how about you just go down for breaking into STAR Labs? Is that good enough?

Rewire kicks Batman Beyond's ass while using lots of future slang. I now know I hate future slang even worse than present slang. Probably because it's made up by adults trying to envision slang of the future rather than organically made up by the youth. Not that the youth come up with stuff that's much better. I wish we'd just go back to saying "Bee's knees" and "Cat's pajamas!"

Tim drowns at the end of the battle although I doubt it's for keepsies since this story is Part 1 of 4. The final page doesn't reveal the bad guy behind Rewire but it does show that Rewire will die if he doesn't keep getting boosts of energy. That's why he can't go to Blackgate! They don't have any outlets.

I don't know why but I don't totally hate this comic book. I feel like I should hate it but I don't. Maybe I have the flu.

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #2

Don't judge my art skills! I had a cat on my lap and did this one handed on a touch pad.

This Convergence series has Azrael in it so I'm already tuned out. Let's see if I can make this commentary interesting for myself and utterly offensive to everybody else.

This issue is called "Home is the Sailor" because Larry Hama is cuckoo whacko. I wonder if I asked him nicely if he'd write a back of the G.I. Joe Action Figure card style biography for me.

On second thought, I'd like one with less grammar errors and a better Code Name.

This issue begins at some point hours after last issue ended. Wetworks are hunting Azrael and Batman in their home town of San Diego (which is going to disappear before the earthquake hits according to Aquaman!). But you know what they say when you try to hunt Batman?! Batman hunts you! Do they say that?

Anyway, Batman hunts them! The members of Wetworks have names like GI Joes which is probably how Larry Hama got this gig. Although I don't know how he got the Wonder Woman gig. Probably because he wrote Scarlet and Lady Jane and Cobra Commander so well.

Don't we all, Batman?!

Wetworks somehow realize immediately, possibly through smell, that Batman does not kill. Batman realizes immediately, possibly through his half-hearted boner, that Dozer hasn't been kissed by very many people. Dane realizes, possibly through nerve receptors, that Batman wears hard boots.

Wetworks are really cool cats because they're part of the early years of Image where killing was cool. So they're like totally killers and kill everything and never die because they kill first. It makes for really exciting comic books that fits with Image's dynamic art style. It's all in your face and saying, "This ain't your mother's comic book company, nerds!" I think one of their slogans was "Are you an athletic athlete that drinks beer and scores with women? Read Image! We ask if you scored with women because we know women aren't interested in all of our big boobed, nearly naked characters that kill and kick ass. Chess sucks!" It was a long slogan but Wizard magazine printed it for half-price because the writers and editors at Wizard loved giving blowjobs to everybody at Image Comics.

Azrael has saved a kid named Damon who's a resident of San Diego. Now he and Batman are becoming friends with the kid and his mother which means they're going to have to save both cities. Batman already knew he was going to do that but Azrael is all, "Sharks! Now I don't get to kill everybody!" He probably added something in French after that because I think he's French.

Batman and Azrael are inside of an aircraft carrier when Wetworks goes after them. I hope while they're fighting they make cool references to it like "I'm inside an aircraft carrier! Now die!" Or maybe something cooler. I hope Larry Hama has put some work into the upcoming retort filled violence.

The first battle is with Mother One and is wrapped up quickly with no clever zingers.

"One lady cyborg buttoned up and ditched overboard" was as zingy as it gets.

Batman makes a joke later after encountering Dane and Dozer but nobody laughs at it. I think he was just amusing himself the way I'm just amusing myself while writing these commentaries. Let me show you Batman's joke through the magic of scanned images!

Here's Bruce's encounter with Dane.


And here's his joke! Get it?! Hand! Ha ha! Genius!

Bethany, the mother of Damon, Azarel's new friend, has a plan to defeat Wetworks without actually defeating Wetworks. Too bad the city is already doomed thanks to Deathblow being horrible at blowing death. I hope the battle at least has a few good one-liners that I can mention at the water cooler at work tomorrow.

I wonder if "Not nice to pound on ladies" will make me popular at work or just get me sent to Human Resources? How about this hilariously obscene line that Azrael drops: "We are standing on top of half empty fuel bunkers with their stopcocks open...." Ha ha! Stopcocks!

Wetworks chooses to surrender and work with Batman and Azrael instead of shooting Azrael in the face and hoping the grenade misses falling into the stopcocks. The city doesn't disappear when they surrender even though the earthquake hasn't hit yet. I guess Deathblow hasn't lost yet so Batman can feel good about the truce. If the entire city had disappeared after Wetworks lost, Batman might feel bad. But now he can go after Telos with Wetworks and they won't notice when the city disappears! Batman might notice Wetworks disappear. And I wonder if Wetworks will know what's happening as they phase out of reality? Will it hurt? I bet it's excruciating! They probably should have risked their lives on the grenade thing being a bluff. Idiots.

The biggest idiot in the entire story is the kid because he calls Azrael a hero at the end. Bah! Don't encourage him!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #2 Rating: This issue earns Five Stopcocks out of Ten. It kind of felt like an issue was missing judging by the way last issue ended and the way this one began. But who cares, right? There was a full month between and nobody probably remembered anything about last issue anyway. I wish I didn't. I wonder if I get completely drunk in the next half hour, I can forget this entire comic book?

Divergence: Deathstroke
"The World's Greatest Assassin takes on the impossible contract to murder an Olympian God!"

Hey! Tony S. Daniel is getting writing help on Deathstroke now! I'm sorry to see that happen because the best part about reading Deathstroke is pointing out how most of it doesn't make any sense. Tony S. Daniel just writes a scene he wants to draw and then writes another scene he wants to draw and connects them with plot that he forgets entirely by the time he's thinking up the third scene he wants to draw which totally contradicts the reasons that the first scene led into the second scene!

And Peter Nguyen is doing the art which means Deathstroke is going to be a completely different experience than the first few issues. I liked when Tony S. Daniel drew it because we were assured at least two double splash pages per issue! Now the only double splash pages I can look forward to are the four or five in every issue of Wonder Woman!

How much can he really care when he doesn't even know his son's real name?

The distraction that takes place is the Teen Titans because Deathstork Deathstroke hasn't really battled them in The New 52 like he's supposed to. He fought the Green Team and he fought Lobo and he fought his children and he fought Stillborn and he fought hundreds of assassins and he fought his father and he fought Batman (sort of unless it was a dream) and he fought some other people probably. But he hasn't battled his arch-nemeses, The Teen Titans!

I thought the fight scenes would be more comprehensible than when Tony S. Daniel writes and draws but they aren't. Wonder Girl gets Deathstork Deathstroke tied up in her lasso but then he does something which makes her fall and Bunker hits a mountain and crushes himself in an avalanche which causes Deathstroke to not be tied up or on a mountain but in a jungle where he's attacked by a green panther. Totally following this. Easy peasy!

Oh! It was a simulation! That's probably why it made no sense. Lousy programmers!

The Spanish Inquisitor is giving Deathstroke a mansion with a Danger Room on a private island because Deathstroke might be valuable to the Dead Bastards some day. Plus he was broke and lost all of his hiding places early in the run because Tony S. Daniel thought that was a good idea. Also Slade is young again and loves looking at his testicles. But now danger is headed toward his island! I bet it's a god! Like the "How We Made This Comic Book Worse" blurb indicated!

Hephaestus shows up to give Slade a sword which he's supposed to use to slay a god. I suppose that's a loophole to the whole "only blood can kill blood" rule of the Greek gods. I guess if a god made the weapon it can kill a god. And I bet the god Hephaestus wants Slade to kill is Wonder Woman because she's getting all of the great big double splash pages these days!

I'm satisfied that Deathstroke is going to continue to be just as horrible as it was when Tony S. Daniel was writing and drawing!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #1

I'm glad they throw that "Batman" above the "Shadow of the Bat" title. I wouldn't want to accidentally buy a Man-Bat comic book.

Judging by the covers of the Convergence comic books for this week, the main city being focused on will be Post-Crisis or Pre-Zero Hour or Post-Zero Hour Metropolis. I guessed Metropolis simply because this week has Superboy, Supergirl, and Steel. But this cover kind of gives it away anyway with Batman Azrael jumping past the Daily Planet.

I guess with one of the comics being "Green Lantern/Parallax," I should have firmed up my vote for Pre-Zero Hour. But even though there's about ten years between Crisis and Zero Hour, Post-Crisis and Pre-Zero Hour are still kind of the same chunk of the DC Universe, you know?

Oh boy! The original WildC.A.T.s! I hope all of the writers remembered to give them horrible dialogue and all of the artists remembered to draw too many lines and pouches on them! And I think all of them should have at least one shiny or scarred or eyepatch-covered eye! Maybe that was just the X-men when Liefeld was drawing it. Or am I thinking about X-factor? Does it matter as long as there is an "X" at the front of it?

Let me get this straight, Narrator. A place doesn't begin to truly exist until it's been gentrified? I think some people might call it an ending too. And even though you've covered your ass by mentioning its a warehouse district that's been gentrified and not a lower economic district, that's still an ending to a lot of people because why do you think an area gets gentrified? Sure, low property value. But you also need buzz, incentive, and word of mouth to get people to move to the area. So my guess is that these "warehouses" were being used as cheap lofts for artists and a thriving art scene was beginning in this area. And then developers got cartoon money signs in their eyes and the artists were gone soon after. And now it's just a shallow, hollow representation of something that had previously had a real community and a soul.

Currently on the edge of Metropolis where everything is ending, Bruce Wayne is being threatened by Tobias Whale. He's Wilson Fisk's uglier, more bloatedly corpselike cousin. Tobias leaves Bruce to be beaten by his henchman, Johnny New Guy. I guess Johnny New Guy needs a nickname so they're going to see how he tortures Bruce Wayne to see what might stick. Johnny Popsicle Stick? Johnny Toothy Blow Job? Johnny Aggressive Rim Job? Easily Bribed Johnny?

Turns out he already has a nickname: Azrael! Ugh! I hope he gets killed before he has a chance to continue to exist in the DC Universe. He always reminded me of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch. I just wanted to stick a javelin up Oliver's ass and post him on the front lawn as a warning to future television show writers. I'm not going to defend The Brady Bunch as a powerhouse landmark television show but who the fuck decided the show was more interesting by introducing an annoying little albino troll into it? Staked right next to Cousin Oliver would be Andy from Family Ties and Olivia from The Cosby Show (although she might have used her psychic powers to see me coming and gotten away). Apparently introducing a small child into a series works or else why keep doing it? I guess there's a television watching demographic that only watches shows with totally adorable children in them OH MY GOD they say the cutest scripted things!

Oh! Maybe I should get a cute kid mascot for my site! I wonder if my niece Kameila would take the gig?

Bruce Wayne wants to team up with Val-Jean-Paul Saint Whatever but Azrael is worried that Batman won't let him kill if it comes down to it. Oh, don't worry about that, Jean-Paul! As long as Batman tells you he disapproves of killing and forbids you to kill, you can still kill when the time for killing comes around. As long as Batman doesn't get his hands bloody directly, he's pretty much okay with it. He might give you all kinds of stink eye about it but what's he going to do? Kill you?

Jean-Paul agrees to work with Bruce Wayne and then beats the shit out of him anyway. For, as Bruce puts it, "verisimilitude"! That should be my constant status: "Grunion Guy is feeling verisimilitudinous!" So Jean-Paul beats him down and earns the nickname Johnny "Careful Not To Hurt A Guy's Spine."

Did Larry Hama just get a thesaurus for Easter?

Maybe he would have been better off with a style guide.

I know I'm not winning any editorial awards for my use of punctuation but that's part of the Grunion Guy style (like overusing parenthetical references (and eschewing em dashes (and not knowing how to use regular dashes (or periods (or all the punctuation, actually))))). But a double period?! Even for comedic effect, I would never journey into that heart of darkness! I know one rule and by God I will never break that one rule! Even right now when it would make me laugh by ending this sentence with a double period.

I hope some of you got the double period joke at the end of that last sentence!

Tobias Whale wants Bruce to prove himself by using his political influence to find out the route the food convoy will take for its next delivery. Bruce Wayne agrees and heads off to use his political influence on Erasmus Hall.

Or he'll just stand around as Val-Jean threatens the man for the information.

I just realized I have as much political influence as Bruce Wayne! I can also stand in the background as somebody else threatens a politician to do what they want! Yay for the machinations of politics! I wish somebody had gotten me a thesaurus for Easter so I can know if I used "machinations" right! Maybe I should have stuck with my original line, "the cyborgs of politics!"

Holy shit! Don't mention cake in front of Tobias! Not in this post-cake climate!

Tobias is happy that they now know the route but he's worried that Erasmus Hall will get a "pang of conscience" and go back on his deal. So he does the typical thing that mobsters do to make sure somebody working for them isn't a cop: they ask the guy to kill somebody for them. Tobias Whale isn't a very good mobster. Didn't he just bring Bruce Wayne on to use Bruce's political influence? Shouldn't he trust that Bruce Wayne's political influence (we all understand that every time I type "political influence," I actually mean "money," right?) has placed Erasmus Hall in their pocket? If he's just going to threaten and kill politicians, why the fuck does he need Bruce Wayne? I think The Whale is just toying with Bruce and Val-Jean-Jean-Val.

It turns out Whale already had his goons throw Erasmus off of a building after Bruce and Johnny-Paul's meeting. It's all over the news which is playing in the background of their mobster meeting because this is a comic book. Rule One of comic books is that a television set must always be nearby tuned to the local news.

This is an absolutely fair representation of the media. "Your husband is dead, miss! How does that make you feel? What's your daughter crying for? Is she sad at the bloody passing of her father?"

I know that what I'm doing doesn't mean anything and it isn't making the world a better place. But it isn't actively making the world a worse place either (unless you're Scott Lobdell's mother and then I'm truly sorry, ma'am, that your son is so awful at writing that it turns me into the werewolf version of my usual cheery, comic book reviewing self). But television reporters generally can't say that. They intrude on people's lives in a desperate attempt to get more viewers and more fame and more recognition and more money for their outlet. And what truly drives me crazy? They think they're doing the country or state or local community a service. And they truly think everybody is dying to get interviewed by them and appear on local television. Which is why I love that "Fuck her right in the pussy" guy because he shits all over their pretentious bullshit. Newscasters get so fucking offended when somebody doesn't take their on the street reporting seriously.

Come on, Grunion Guy! Pull back on the throttle! That's it! That's it! Whew. Recovered! Talking about "journalism" or "media" or "local news" always sends me into a tailspin from which I seldom recover and wind up writing the same rant over and over again. How many times do I need to bitch about the state of news media and journalism? I suppose I wouldn't care so much if they realized they're not doing anything but trying to make money. It's the attitude that they think they're needed that irks the fuck out of me. That boring ass BBC chap on PBS is about the only newsperson I can watch without completely freaking the fuck out and scaring the cat.

Larry Hama. Enough! Give me that thesaurus right now!

I'm beginning to think maybe Larry Hama had a crazy mother that told him to "get thee to an OED!"

For being the World's Greatest Detective, maybe Bruce needs to do a little soul detecting on himself. He thinks he's Bruce Wayne and not The Batman? Laughable! And sad! He just sounds like that girl that protests too much in that Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I think it was Peppermint Patty?

Batman and Azrael are waiting to stop Tobias's hijacking of the food convoy. Azrael leaps off the building when the trucks arrive while Batman carefully takes the stairs.

This is the denouement? When did I miss the climax?! Also, I didn't realize Road Warrior was an hour and a half of denouement!

Batman is going to kick himself for having that nagging broken back because a lot of innocent people die while he's taking the stairs. The Whale's plan was to kill the convoy's protection and then kill the drivers of the trucks. After that, his team would hook the trucks up to tow trucks to haul them away. I don't like that plan. He should have hired some helicopters with gigantic magnets underneath to catch the trucks and fly them back to his compound!

That's "another think coming," lady. I guess Larry Hama didn't get a book of sayings to go along with the thesaurus and the OED.

I know people say "another thing coming" so much that it's basically the accepted version of the saying now. Even Judas Priest got it wrong and we know how scholarly they usually attempt to be in their lyrics. The other saying I can't help but mention when I pedantically correct somebody getting this one wrong is the "music soothes the savage beast" line. It's breast. "Soothe the savage breast." Lesson ended! Mic not dropped because nobody actually fucking cares about this petty shit. Fuck, even I don't really care! Say whatever you want! What do I care? In another ten years, I probably won't even be able to communicate with the next generation!

Batman confronts Tobias Whale and I'm pretty sure there's some Moby Dick references here but I wouldn't know having never read it. I think it's about a white whale who is drinking buddies with a guy named Ahab who rides around on a gay luxury liner making outfits out of whale dick skin.

Dammit, Bruce! You should have said, "I'm tired of your repartee, so I'm going to end your partay!" Plus I would have gone with the "BLAMMO!" sound effect.

While Whale is busy getting punched in the face, he's also busy watching Azrael kill his henchmen. That way he can say to Batman, "You're practically a murderer because you're teamed up with a murderer! In your face!" And Batman is all, "Eww! Why I'll...actually, I don't care. None of my business if other vigilantes are murderers. As long as they kill people who have, at least, just slightly broken the law. Those miscreants deserve it!"

The next big battle is Batman trying to talk Val-Jean out of murdering the last of The Whale's henchmen. She head butts Azrael's helmet and screams, "Butt out, Bat-creep." That, apparently, is too much for Azrael and now he just has to murder her. How can he not? If he doesn't kill her now, the terrorists win. Plus if he lets her live, he might be sent into an existential quandary which will cause him to start singing "Who Am I?"

Planet Brainiac decides it would be a good time to explain the rules of the upcoming contest. Batman wants to try to stop the battle from happening but Azrael just wants an excuse to punch things in the face and then to put a bullet in that face too. They don't know it yet but their opponents are two WildC.A.T.s, Jester and Pilgrim. They have metal chins and sketchy appearances. Pilgrim can "time-slip" because she's probably named after Billy Pilgrim which is like totally smart and shit. You know it's super smart because even that kid in that movie about football, Varsity Blues, was reading Slaughterhouse Five which totally showed how his character was smart and shit. The other WildC.A.T. is named "Jester" because he either pilots jets or says brutally truthful things to people without fear of reprisal.

One more opponent will apparently appear next issue because reality shifts right at the end of the comic book in such a way that even Batman can feel it even though I don't know where he developed his "reality shift detection training." I bet it's Pariah! Or Kingdom Come Spectre! Those are my only two guesses because I can't remember enough about Crisis and Kingdom Come to make any others. I can name characters and seem like I remember stuff though! Lady Quark! Harbinger! Magog!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #1 Rating: The art in this issue was that weird kind of sort of realistic art that doesn't quite do it for me kind of art, you know? And the story was that kind of recycled undercover infiltration kind of story that's kind of tired and overdone, right? And it didn't even need to be in this! It's almost as if Larry Hama decided a few pages in that the undercover shit wasn't really going anywhere so he just put the heroes in costumes and let them go toe to toe with The Whale. Although since the WildC.A.T.s time-slipped, maybe their knowledge of the undercover personas of Bruce Wayne and Jean Val-Jean will come into play next issue. I would find that acceptable! Since I have nothing left to say about this comic book, here is a cartoon about some bats that live the Batman philosophy of life.