Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

For a few weeks now, HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea has been down. All pirate broadcasts have been blocked. The only stations left to listen to in Old York are Realfeel™ Sphincters "Go Go DC Comics Happy Super Show," Marvel Moguls Inc's 24 hour gabfest, "Your Fans Are the Worst," and Dynamite Jizzbang's "News of the Moment." Two out of those three stations being aural trainwrecks, most of those still in Old York choose to listen to Dynamite Jizzbang's "News of the Moment."

"And we're back, ya twat guzzlers. Put off the clit pickling for two cumjuggling seconds and listen to the latest ass slapping exclusive fire report from 'News of the Moment.' Half of our beautifully shaved mons veneris of a city is up in rectum pounding flames as I speak (and masturbate slowly under the desk, you naughty, naughty listeners). But don't get your labias twisted, girls! It seems the jagged-nail fingerbanging fires are being contained in that pussy fart section of Old York known as the Cheap Seats. If that beautiful big-O wind keeps blowing and licking and teasing in the manner it's doing now, us residents in Upper Manhating shouldn't have to pluck a nipple hair about it. It's business as usual and the usual business is fucking. So pop those pills, pussy eaters, and relax because right now we've got a tongue lashing entertainment report on DC Comic's latest erectile dysfunction, Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People. Here's Peon Mia Zadora with the review."

"Thanks, Shyrral. What woman has ever actually known an 'infinity man?' Please motherfucker! They might not all be Two Pump Chumps but even if they are down to pound, you know they'll still be a No-O Gigolo, right ladies? Go ahead, keep pounding that flaccid little wee wee into my golden hole hoping it don't fall out and expose your inability to keep from pleasing yourself before you please me. As if I didn't already know you'd gone soft. Even if your flaccid hog is big enough to feel inside me, I still had to watch that stupid look come across your face that was a mix of terror, pleasure, and homophobia as you realized you just came inside me while thinking about baseball stats. Is it no wonder women prefer women? They don't have some useless tool they can't stand owning and not using even though, in most cases, it's the wrong fucking tool for the job. You know when you go to hammer in a nail, you don't pound the surface an inch or two beneath the fucking nail, right? Just drop the fucking hammer and get out the socket wrench, bitch. I got me a chubby little screw needs torquing.

"This issue of Futures End: Infinity Man and the Forever People is called 'Before I Wake' and was written by Dan DiDio and Keith Giffen, so you know it's going to be overblown man-pap full of pseudo-profound dialogue and over-reaching bullscat narration."

"Ugh. It's like they just want me to watch them masturbate."

"The issue begins with Mark 'I can't please Dreamer so she constantly dreams about Darkseid's apokoliptic cock' Moonrider waking up from a nightmare and needing to be consoled by Dreamer."

"Fucking scrotum. How does he not know what to do with that? I'm wet just thinking about how ineffectual and inept he is."

"For those of you who doubted the brain within this panties dropping physique, Moonrider and Dreamer soon begin engaging in that pseudo-profound dialogue I mentioned would be filling this book. What they should be engaging in is a post-coma rage fuck. I know, I know: this isn't a Dynamite Jizzbang comic. I don't how anybody can read this bile. What's the opposite of engorged because that's what's going on downstairs at my party palace right now. I think this book has turned my cunt into a new space-time phenomenon where time has stretched out to massive boredom and space has been relegated to a tiny, parched, shriveled singularity that used to be a loving oasis of full of endlessly running waters and squooshy exotic fruits."

"The dialogue if this were a Dynamite Jizzbang comic: 'You're coming and not coming. The only place where fucking and not fucking can coexist.' 'You're talking about God's asshole.'"

"Dreamer goes on to explain to the reader what the Cadmus Singularity is and to tie it into DC Continuity because fuck forbid a story doesn't somehow tie itself into every other story in the DC Universe, thus assuring that the most clumsy and horribly written title of the tethered together bunch pulls them all from the mountain when it falls. Hmm, that was unlike me. That metaphor wasn't sexy at all! I'm sure I could have turned it into some kind of analogy about an impotent asshole at a massive orgy with the biggest cumguzzling leg-spreaders on the planet. Fuck it, the moment is gone!"

"Umf. With shots like this, how can I keep my hands out of my panties? Oh, who am I kidding? When is the last time I wore underwear? Whoops, excuse me. I meant 'panties.' I'm contractually obligated to call my underwear 'panties.'"

"I know it's hard to believe, but there is more going on in that panel than huge fucking tits. See how Dreamer is holding his arm and pulling him away from whatever he's looking at? When that happens, who says, 'Don't walk away from me?' Maybe 'Let me go, you fucking spooge spitter.'

"After this scene, guess what happens? Something else that never happens in Dynamite Jizzbang comics! That fucking man gets physical with Dreamer. Sure, most of the Dynamite Jizzbang comics take place in a universe where all men have been eradicated. But they do publish the occasional Alternaworlds story where men and women interact. But you'll never see a man that thinks he can touch a woman any fucking way he wants. Perhaps a moment like this might happen now and again at Jizzbang, but that man doesn't live longer than that fucking panel where he touched that woman against her will. But even those stories can get needlessly rape cultury, so they're mostly frowned upon. Easiest way to destroy the rape culture was to get rid of the men. Okay, sure, women still occasionally rape other women in Dynamite Jizzbang comics but it's done in really fucking sexy ways where nobody feels threatened and everybody gets really turned on. And it never involves any kind of penetration because that would be wrong and disgusting. And it always ends in orgasms for the victim who actually really wanted to be turned on to lesbianism but was just too shy and timid to give it a try without a little push."

"Such a man thing to say."

"I kind of lose interest as I read because there just isn't enough female on female oral sex and/or rimjobs happening on-panel. Plus, it turns out Moonrider died a long time ago and now Dreamer is spending her life sleeping so she can dream him into existence. Fuck you, DC Comics. She's a powerful woman that has her own life to live and you think it's somehow romantic that she would live her life for a man that isn't even real? Even if he was real, fuck him. He's an asshole. He betrayed the team. He says he loves Dreamer but acts in ways counter to that statement. Eat my twat, dicks. No, don't. Stay away from my beautiful flower of power and go slam your testes in a car door. The only good thing about this comic book is the shots of Dreamer's cleavage and her just barely covered ass. Sometimes a girl just wants to feel sexy without having naked woman parts shoved directly into her mouth. And this book had just the right amount of titillation for a nice slow soak with a glass of wine that may or may not end up in a sensual self-rubdown and possible date with a running bathtub faucet. That's it for News of the Moment's Entertainment Report. Back to Shyrral."

"Thanks for that, Peon Mia. We have some fast pounding breaking news for you! It seems, somehow, HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea has broken through the pirate radio jammer and has begun her heavy vibrational show once again. This statement probably isn't the feelings of Dynamite Jizzbang comics but I think I need to say it: Fuck me, I love her fucking show. Way to go, Goggles! Bring it all back!"

"Meanwhile, those ass pounding fires I warned you that you didn't need to be warned about? You probably need to be warned about them. I'm as serious as a vibrator. Looks like Upper Manhating needs to evacuate. This'll be the last warning from me because Peon and I are getting the fuck gone right now!"