The Hellblazer #9

Is this a crystal ball that shows what's happening around it or just a reflection?

Today on Twitter, I saw the the most weaselly euphemism for "I'm a racist!" ever. Some guy said, "I'm idealogically opposed to government handouts." And that's the base of the Republican Party for y'all! It's easy to get angry at somebody calling that racist because there's nothing inherently racist about the words in the statement. But historically and contextually, it's easy enough to break down. They believe white people work hard for what they have and that minorities do nothing but leech off the system. We're still living under the myth of the black welfare queen because so many people bought into that notion. They truly believe their taxes are supporting black people who want nothing more than to have to not to work thanks to government handouts. But they can't say, "I'm sick of supporting those niggers." Hell, even I can't say that while pretending to speak the language they would use if there wouldn't be serious repercussions for using it! So pretend I didn't say it. So instead, they say shit like "I'm idealogically opposed to government handouts." You see the same kind of racism in the defense of gun ownership. White people believe in their right to have guns to protect themselves (you know, from those leeching criminals who won't get a job because free government money makes for such a lucrative and luxurious lifestyle (all y'all racist white people know who I'm talking about, right? Wink, wink!)). But does society really believe everybody has a right to bear arms? Apparently not because white people pretty much never get shot in public for carrying a gun yet black people get shot in public all the time because somebody thought maybe they possibly thought perhaps they had a gun? Or else they just find it's a good enough excuse to say they thought the black person had a gun after shooting them for being disrespectful.

Apparently people's main real gripe about socialized healthcare is that some people would be getting healthcare without paying into the system. They have no problem with paying insane rates to private insurers because the other people their dollars are being used to help are also paying into that system. But God forbid somebody who hasn't paid any taxes because they can't find a job and they can't afford it because they can't afford anything else either should be allowed health care on everybody else's dime. Fucking God Who Doesn't Exist forbid anybody should have empathy towards their fellow human beings and think, "You know what? The measly amount of taxes I actually pay when you really look at my tax return is hardly affected by a national health care system." It's easier to be idealogically opposed to the idea that if I were richer, I definitely wouldn't want to pay more taxes on the upper end of my earnings. So, I suppose, the statement isn't proof that the person who said it is racist. But the fact that Republicans are lining up behind Trump to destroy Obama's legacy in every way they can, no matter how many of their constituents it hurts, seems pretty fucking racist. Donald Trump himself may or may not be racist. He's definitely still butthurt over Obama making fun of him at that White House event which really caused this whole mess in the first place. Thanks, Obama!

It's crazy to think that the main thing these rich old white fucks can't handle is being laughed at. Look at Jeff Sessions trying to convict a woman for laughing at his confirmation hearing. It's no wonder they think The Daily Show and This Week Tonight are equivalent to their state propaganda channel of Fox News.

Laura Silverman just Tweeted this which is what I was trying to say in my horribly digressive and rambling way: "People wonder why they're called racist for the way they vote. There's no other logical motivation for voting against ur economic interests ...than not being able to get past having to share those resources with people you've deemed, unlike yourself, to be unworthy of them. None."

The Review!
Now that I've called a bunch of people who probably don't think they're racist racists, I'm going to angrily read this comic book!

I'm not the only person beginning my composition by alienating a hefty percentage of potential readers.

Constantine has no real thematic reason to take a dump on comic book collectors on the first page but he sort of ties it up at the end by comparing collecting things to keeping a journal of experiences. And he's after a journal so there's the way into the story! Also he's following a flying, glowing trainer across the skies of Paris. You can tell it's Paris because the Eiffel Tower is big as life right there on the first page. You can kind of see a tiny piece of it on the stage-right-hand side of the above scan.

John has tracked down the kid who stole the journal that might have the secret to killing Djinn in it with the help of a sexy woman named Sexy Sexytime. Did that sound like convincing French? I would use her real name but that would involve remembering it or actually looking at the comic book which would take less time than explaining why I called her Sexy Sexytime. I think her name was actually Misabel Lefuvque or something. She offers John some advice as she ditches him.

I'm sure there are some readers who know John is bisexual and don't know what fags are whose heads just exploded.

It seems John wants the journal because it has the location of the Djinn's home magic lamp. Was that racist? That was probably racist. I hope I didn't offend any Djinn-kin out there. If I were having sex with a Djinn-kin and they asked me to rub something vigorously, I'd walk out due to their lack of imagination. I would be all, "I will grant you three wishes if all of those wishes are to swallow a huge load of cum!"

Do you like how in my fantasy, I deliver huge loads of cum? In reality, it would probably be a slight trickle due to all the masturbating I get up to.

My friend Sony Tilva (no relation to the equipment manager for the Phoenix Coyotes, wink, wink!) once told a story about how he hadn't nutted for a long time before masturbating on his back so when he came, he gave himself an inadvertent facial. I hope his hockey buddies don't read this and judge him! Although knowing Tony ... I mean Sony! ... he's probably already told them all that story.

Meanwhile in London, some political intrigue or something is happening. I think some guy insinuates Theresa May is a lizard person and that everybody who voted for Brexit might as well be living in the colonies.

Here's a bit for the nerds and also for the people who are halfway intelligent enough to score reasonably well on Jeopardy.

John and Mercury eventually get an address leading them to the journal. What they don't realize is that Misabel made sure they received that address. So I'm guessing the journal isn't actually there. Unless the French translation of "journal" is "trap."

The Ranking!
No change! This is a monthly and I don't always write detailed commentaries about it, so I might be a little confused by some of the story. And it's not helping that I didn't really write much of anything about the part that I'm a bit confused about! The Djinni at the Tate Club had some guy high up in May's cabinet (or her personal assistant (or the person in charge of telling her what the real powers want done)) is forced to face the truth of his life: the "real power" behind it all is just a guy pretending to be Jesus Christ. So the Djinni has him kill Pseudo Jesus to prove his loyalty to the Djinn. No the Djinn control London! Or something. But they still need to stop Constantine before he finds Abby and completely fucks up their plans. I don't know why they need Abby but I guess The Rot is essential to their plans of world domination.

The Hellblazer #8

Why isn't this how we display the corpses of our ancestors?

The Review!
In this Teen Plus non-Vertigo issue of Hellblazer, Constantine almost says cunt. That's about as close as you're going to get with the Rebirth version. But at least it's better than The New 52 version! Although the DC You version wasn't so bad.

Speaking of Teen Plus comic books, a man came into my local comic book store yesterday with his daughter (she looked about eight. But what do I know about fucking kids? I don't mean what do I know about having sex with kids! Gross! I was just using the word fucking as an intensifier!). She wanted to buy an issue of Green Arrow and he was asking the owner if the issue was appropriate for a young child. Before I could say, "A few issues ago in Green Arrow, John Diggle fucked a bear in a field of heroin!", the owner pointed out that the comic was Teen Plus and might have some stuff that wouldn't be suitable for an eight year old. So her assistant took the father and daughter into the back to find a copy that wasn't sealed (it was the issue with the Badlands comic book sealed up inside). I'm assuming that once they went into the back room, some Oompa Loompas sang a song about destroying the innocence of children.

"What do you do when your kid wants some porn?
Whip them and beat them and fill them with scorn.
Let them read violence and horror and gore!
Cause if they see sex they will...become...a whore!
Just like ma and pa did!"

I told that story because I don't have anything to say about this comic book. In John's pursuit of a way to kill Djinn, he's figured out that the gang member he chased away from the old guy's house has the old guy's journal. And since a rival of his, Misabel Lefebve, is seeking the journal, John figures it must be what he needs. So they team up to go steal the book back from the French kid who stole it last issue. He's a good kid taking care of his younger sister, so I'm sure he'll die horribly.

The Ranking!
No change!

The Hellblazer #7

Paris Uber is the worst.

The Review!
This issue begins with Constantine declaring it a deal breaker if somebody puts their tea bag in after pouring the water. Usually I'm completely behind everything Constantine does or says because he's the greatest DC Comic Book Character in their entire universe¹. But I hate this fucking attitude. I'm sick of people having such strong convictions over meaningless aspects of daily life. If one more person throws a fucking fit over pineapples on pizza or does a spit-take while reading because they encounter a serial comma, I'm going to start stabbing everybody in the throat. Great. Have your fucking opinion on something that, if other people think differently, won't change your life in the least. But stop acting like you're Joan of Arc willing to be burnt at the stake in defense of your mundane opinion. Tea bag in before or after the water? Who bloody fucking cares?!

Cue people telling me I'm having in inappropriately strong conviction over something that doesn't matter in the least. Also, fuck those people. They probably can't stand it when other people chew ice on an airplane. I'm allowed to have hyperbolic reactions to things because that's what this fucking stupid blog is all about, you morons. It's like that one asshole one time who decided that he would point out all of my typos after I got done savaging Howard Mackie's writing on The Ravagers. Those are two completely different situations and if you can't see the difference, you're either willfully stupid just to feel smug or, you know, just stupid. DC had editors and was charging people money to edit his work. I only edit my reviews a month after I've written them, when I reread them for the first time just before reading the new issue of the series. If anything, that asshole would have just been helping me out in the editing phase. I think he just thought he would be humiliating me. He never responded again after I thoroughly disemboweled him with my word katana.

You're in DC Comics' Paris. The Eiffel Tower is in every single establishing shot of the city. How else would I have known Constantine was taking Paris Uber just by looking at the cover?! The filthy pigeons could have made it any city!

This issue is part one of "The Smokeless Fire." But they weren't done with the last story, were they?! I guess Mercury trapping a genie in her head while the other genie gathered the Magicians of London together to save the world and/or battle Constantine was an ending? At least for awhile? This is probably just one of those stories that needs to be told before finishing the other story because something integral to the plot in this one will be used to save the day in the other one.

The story is the story of the man Constantine and Mercury have Chunneled to Paris for help against the Djinn. The story is about an expedition he took in 1936 to a place where Djinn were said to live. Constantine first heard the story from the old man in a bar. Now he's come to Paris because he's starting to think the old man's story was true and not just an attempt to get into John's pants.

Nice synopsis panel for those of us with bad memories. I also included the next panel because John uses the word "arsehole" and Mercury references Through the Looking Glass.

Constantine and Mercury aren't the only ones trying to find Old Man Genie Killer, Esquire. A bunch of young Parisian punks have decided they're going to rob his ass. They almost run over Mercury while fast and furiousing their way to steal the old man's antiques. Mercury manages to read their minds and realizes they're after the same bloke. I guess Constantine and Mercury having a conversation while they walk to the old guy's home wasn't exciting enough for a comic book. This is the action part to keep everybody's penises in their hands. Yes, that's a sexist statement. Just wait to hear what I have to say when there's a kiss!

The old man confesses the location of his secret diary to Dante, the newest and most human of the gang². When John and Mercury arrive, Dante flees with the book as the old man lies dying of a heart attack. Mercury stays behind to save the old man's life with her, um, mind powers? I guess? Constantine takes Paris Uber out the window and onto the rooftops. But he misses his connection, falls into a bush, and is arrested by Paris cops. Dante flees back home and begins reading the diary of the old man. Well, at least Dante will know how to kill a Djinn! That could come in useful in some other story that's about Dante and not Constantine. Constantine, on the other hand, is fucked.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm disappointed that Moritat didn't do the art again. But everything else was satisfying. Except maybe that part where Constantine held a mundane conviction too strongly. __________________________
¹That I'll be mentioning in this comic book review.
²Dante had a scene earlier teaching his little sister math and promising to never leave her. The other gang members were inhuman monsters. You could tell because they didn't get any scenes in which they weren't just stereotypes.

The Hellblazer #6

Constantine's face looks like a cross between David Duchovny and a lamp post.

• It looks like we're still trying to discover the poison truth! This is part six! Exclamation points for everybody!

• While Constantine and Mercury are headed to France via the Cannibalistic Hell Tunnel (you know, the Chunnel), they have time to discuss what happened to Mercury while she searched for Abby Arcane. John also decides to tell her about the time he did mushrooms with Mercury's mom.

One time when I did mushrooms, I spent one thousand years in a time loop in the parking lot of a strip joint, was spied on the entire time by Jupiter, and invented comic books.

• One time, I pondered why you push the pause button on a DVD remote to pause the action but then you also pressed the pause button to resume the action.

• One time, I realized the secret of everything resided in the shape of a triangle due to the number three.

• I loved doing hallucinogens but I never claimed to anybody that they gave you actual insights into spirituality or the answers to the universe or helped in any other way than to pass the time in a thoroughly enjoyable manner.

• When Mercury left Swamp Thing, she wound up in the dimension where God banishes his mistakes. No wait. God probably doesn't make mistakes. It's where he banishes the creations he has grown bored with. Although can God really get bored? I mean, he's probably always bored, being omniscient. And if he's always bored, why send some creations to his Dimension of Discarded Toys? Maybe that's where creations go that he wills himself to forget about because they served their purpose. What purpose, you ask naively? God's mysterious purpose, of course! Duh!

• In the Dimension of Discarded Toys, Mercury met Adnan, the brother of the genie who wants to destroy humanity (for their own good!).

• Meanwhile, Clarice has sent out little red invitations with goat emblems on to every mage she knows. She's been forced to work with the genies and they need a bunch of magicians in their corner if they're going to defend against whatever stunt Constantine is going to pull to stop them.

• Oh, I also get an answer to a question I asked previously.

Enh. I'm still going to call them genies. Who cares what word a creature prefers when that creature is about to commit genocide.

• While Clarice convinces the other mages to work with Marid the Genie, Mercury finishes her story. Adnan helped her escape but she left him behind.

• Surprise! That was a lie! It wasn't my lie though even though it's usually my lie when I lie here like a liar. No, this was Mercury's lie. She actually did rescue Adnan from the Dimension of Discarded Toys and locked him away in her own mind prison to use later. She has this power because she's really a...well, nobody actually says. She might be a fairy or a genie or a hobgoblin or just Irish. Constantine probably already knows her secret but he's keeping it to himself to use later.

The Ranking!
No change! This issue is basically just a train ride and a cocktail party. Nobody dies or has sex. There weren't even any robots fighting. So boring.

The Hellblazer #5

Stop oversexualizing Constantine, Comic book artists!

• The huge revelation in this comic book is that genies actually exist and weren't just made up by Scheherazade. Not that that's much of a revelation since Johnny Thunder's Thunderbolt is a thing. The genies had decided not to interfere with humans so that they wouldn't be discovered. Maybe that's why Thunderbolt chose to act like he was working with a human. He could help make the world a better place while hiding in plain sight. Also, maybe nobody even fucking remembers Thunderbolt since Johnny Thunder is apparently 90 years old and stuck in an elderly care facility, according to DC's Rebirth.

• The previous bullet point took over twenty minutes to write because I asked Lord Google for the proper way to spell Scheherazade (because I'm too lazy to pick up my copy of Volume I & II of The Book of The Thousand Nights and a Night sitting on my desk in arm's reach and flip through it to get the proper spelling) and wound up on a forum where some guy was bitching about how the Magic the Gathering card, Shahrazad, should be banned from play because it annoys the fuck out of him. If that were the basis for banning cards in official Magic the Gathering tournaments, I'd have to ban every single fucking card because the people playing them annoy the fuck out of me and isn't that really the same thing?

• I don't play in Magic the Gathering tournaments anymore. Let me get out my wide brush: people who play Magic the Gathering are intolerable.

• Yes, I play (or used to play? I suppose I'd still play Sealed Deck leagues if I could stand other players) Magic the Gathering. That isn't proof against my statement.

I scanned this for the sentiment. The plums that look like pudgy little penises are a bonus.

• I often wonder why it seems like there isn't as much time during each day as I seem to remember there being. Then I think, "Oh yeah! The Internet!" What a time sink that thing is! Why isn't anybody regulating this thing?!

• That was a joke!

• The man fingering the plum is actually a genie. He's not as hyperactive as the one in Aladdin but then how many of them are? Probably not many of them. Although Aladdin was really lucky to find a genie who wasn't into cutting off the heads of everybody he met or dismembering people and hiding them in trunks. This genie wants to save mankind from itself in the usual way which probably means genocide with some additional enslavement. The woman, Clarice, is a mage who he's forcing to work with him. If she doesn't, he'll banish her to the Land of Discarded Toys. I think that's the island where Darien Wolf died to save his sister Therese.

• I guess that's a spoiler but if I don't mention what it's spoiling, it isn't really a spoiler, is it?!

• Meanwhile, Swamp Thing is declared physically unfit to continue doing a favor for Constantine. Also, the new artist draws Mercury in such a way that I instantly lose my crush on her. Apparently I never actually liked Mercury herself. I only like the way Moritat draws Mercury. Also, I like the way Moritat draws Tallulah Black. And also Charlotte the Harlot. And also Lorna Kyle. And also Gina. And...okay, every female Moritat draws, I fall in love with. And also some of the men! Like Jonah Hex! But I think that had more to do with the writing in All Star Western and less with his physique.

• Swamp Thing explains how he goes to the water closet and then disappears into the Green. Now it's up to John, Chas, and Mercury to figure out why the genies need an elemental.

• I should probably call them Djinn since that's what they call themselves. But I also would just rather use the Anglicized version. Since they don't actually exist, I'm hoping that I don't get called a disrespectful racist for not using the term they prefer.

• Ha ha. I wrote "disrespectful racist."

But genies is okay, right?!

• Constantine decides to get to know Mercury better by telling her three things he supposes she doesn't know about him and then getting three pieces of information from her that will probably help him when he needs to cast a spell on her later.

• Fact #1: Constantine can't ride a bicycle. I wonder if anybody went through every issue of Swamp Thing and Hellblazer to verify this fact or if they just went, "This is fucking Rebirth, motherfucker! Everything is what we say it is! Boom! Is this the appropriate time to drop a mic?"

• I bet his other facts are "I've never eaten peanut butter" and "I suck dicks. Lots of dicks. All the dicks."

• Mercury's number one fact is that she used to eat McDonald's. Ew! Slut!

• Constantine hates the word "moist." Boring. Fucking boring! You know who I hate more than the people I actually hate and aren't just pretending I hate to make a stupid point? People who say they hate the word "moist!" Along with moist, Mercury also hates these words: slacks, smear, squirt, nomads, Indians, and saints.

• Constantine's third fact is that he wished things had turned out differently between him and Mercury's mom. Or maybe the creepy pedo means between him and Mercury! He's about as clear on the point as The Bible is on its use of pronouns.

• Mercury's third fact is that her mom is in Cane Hill Asylum which just happens to be one left turn away from where they're currently playing John's game in the back of Chas's black cab. So they go to visit!

The bit about nobody being ready for real life is something I often think. But then how do you explain all the people running things and trying so hard to look like adults? If they're as truly not ready for real life as I continue to be then I can only think they're monsters. They're some kind of mimic desperate for other people to approve of the way they're doing the thing that gets approval from people who think that's the way they're all supposed to be. Also, it might just be about sex. You act like an adult because confidence, responsibility, and financial security are all things people look for in mates. Otherwise you just wind up fucking your next dependent.

• Mercury calls Constantine a tosser which reminds me I'm not playing Overwatch. My main character is Tracer and I always have her in her Vivienne Westwood outfit because while wearing it, she sometimes calls people she kills wankers or tossers.

• Meanwhile, it seems Simon Oliver finished the script a page too early so he threw in a scene where Swamp Thing tells his parents to go stuff it. Sort of.

The Ranking!
+1! Constantine didn't swear at all this issue! I think maybe he's been replaced by a simulacrum!

The Hellblazer #4

This looks like a cover for The Watchtower. "Top Ten Tips For Asking Jesus To Keep Your Tie From Getting Caught In Your Bicycle Chain."

• This issue begins with John Constantine tied up next to Chas. Well fuck that. My favorite part of kidnapping stories is when they tie the person to the chair! I can't get enough of amateurs tying ridiculous knots that you know will never hold! One time, I saw a kidnapper tie someone with a few slipped round turns! Ridiculous! Or, like in this comic book, when they tie two people together back to back and think that's going to hold! People are squishy! You can generate a lot of slack just by puffing out your belly when you're being tied! Then, once everything seems taut and in place, you suck in your belly, deflate your lungs, collapse your ribcage, and voila! You're free! Idiots.

• Constantine knows the bookie thugs from school. Apparently they're racist assholes. Come on, Oliver! Not all bookies are racist violent assholes! Some are just violent assholes! Although I probably shouldn't assume that Simon Oliver is commenting on all bookie thugs just by his characterization of this one. Although a large number of citizens did vote for Brexit due to their fear of foreigners coming into the country, so maybe this guy's racist tendencies are less because he's a bookie and more just because he's a working class Brit.

• I'm not slagging off Brits! I'm an American! We have even more racist working class and president elects than they do! Also more racist everything elses, like whatever you call the other classes in America that aren't working class. First and business?

• The racist bookie wants John to teach him how to pick horses before he blows John's head off with his shotgun. That seems dangerous. If I knew somebody who could do real magic, I don't think I'd try to force them to teach me a spell. They might teach me a spell that causes me to not feel when I have to take a shit anymore! And I'd have the added embarrassment that I cast it on myself!

• Constantine sends the bookie, White Boy, out to get some magical supplies. He's just stalling until the genies show up. This is like a movie by that guy who married Madonna! You know the guy! He made that heist movie called Vagina, and that other one, Two Smoking Barrels and a Microphone!

• So that was the first quarter of the comic, spent in Chas's kitchen arguing with a racist jerko. The next quarter will be about Swamp Thing as he waits for Mercury to return from her wormhole adventures. He's probably going to fight a bunch of Rotlings during this part. It's probably a good time to go to the bathroom. All you'll miss out on is a poorly choreographed fight between a plant and a decaying pile of ooze.

Hurry back! It's almost over!

• Constantine had better hurry up and get out of the chair he's tied to because Swamp Thing isn't doing well battling The Rot inside The Rot. But right now, John's too busy trying to convince Chas that Chas isn't going to die even though every person who ever winds up in a comic book with Constantine winds up dead. Well, maybe not every person. But a lot of them! Although most of those that die, John didn't rely upon for transportation.

• By chanting a bunch of Latin words, Constantine stalls long enough for the genies to arrive. At least I think the words are Latin. They look like the kind of words I've seen inscribed on pretentious marble structures.

• The Djinn arrive and kill all of the racist assholes because racist assholes aren't allowed to live happily ever after in stories. It would be irresponsible of a writer to portray a world where being racist and an asshole (I mean, a major asshole and not just a minor asshole!) brings you success and good fortune! I suppose there are stories where the racist pretty much wins in the end, like Othello. But right up front, the author makes sure the audience knows that the story is a tragedy and that everybody should be sad when Othello loves so well that he murders Ophelia. Unless it was Desdemona who he murdered. Or Cleopatra.

• Constantine shows up at Mercury's farm just as she and Swamp Thing return from The Rot. Mercury didn't find Abby but she found traces of Djinn, just like Constantine. So now, after four long issues, Mercury is going to be a main character! My boner is celebrating.

The Review!
The majority of this story takes place with the main character tied to a chair in a dirty London kitchen. When the violent action does take place, it happens off-panel and in the dark. Sure, there's a scene or two where Swamp Thing battles some Rot Monsters but I think that was thrown in to compensate for the lack of action elsewhere. The thing is, Swamp Thing's bit was the worst part of the story. I wouldn't have minded if it was left out and replaced by a few more pages of Chas and Constantine discussing how dolphins are total bastards. I'm now a fan of Simon Oliver's writing. And I'm lucky enough that one of my favorite artists, Moritat, is providing the scenery. Four stars! Or whatever.

The Hellblazer #3

How did this cover make the cut? If I were editor, I would have scrapped it and just went with a blank red cover.

• For years now, journalists have heaped scorn on and rolled their eyes at Internet news bloggers. But have any of those journalists ever become the shadow puppet master of the future president of the United States controlling the appointment of key cabinet figures to tear down the whole entire system? I think not! Journalists, you owe bloggers an apology! They were apparently far more powerful than you ever considered! Oh, and probably far more vile and racist than you ever could have imagined. And now because you were afraid to look biased and too left-leaning (even though, no matter how much you tried to move right of center, you were criticized anyway!) while Internet news sites (both fake and super fake (and, of course, racist and misogynistic)) didn't mind destroying the right end of the spectrum to open up some new and fertile land even further right from the center than ever before, we have a large chunk of the voting populace too blinded by hate and propaganda to understand the stakes of what is happening.

• Here's an easy test to find out if you understand propaganda: if you think scientists are biased and lean too far to the left and have some sort of pernicious agenda, you might be a redneck. Dammit. I fucked that up and stole garbage material at the same time! I meant to say you're being swindled by textbook propaganda. I know, I know! If you're one of them, you've just rolled your eyes and scoffed and maybe snorted a french fry out of your nose while thinking, "You've fallen for propaganda!" That's why propaganda is so insidious! Because one side sees reality for what it is and the other side confidently thinks they see reality for what it is but are just pigs at the trough soon headed for slaughter. There's a saying the conspiracy nutters rely on: Follow the money. No scientist is getting rich by trying to explain the reality of the world through science and the government isn't getting rich off of creating regulations. But the people who deny climate change? They do so because regulations limiting pollution cost them money. Regulations limiting the accumulation of resources cost them money. Regulations protecting people from corporations razing the land limit profits.

• One of the bits of propaganda used to get people rabidly against the idea of climate change is that it will somehow affect their lives drastically. But the changes being made will affect the average person as much as the estate tax affects them. Meaning it won't affect them at all. You might be encouraged to recycle or compost but that's just because it's as easy to do those things as throw shit in the trash. And guess what? You really don't have to do it, if you're that maddened by the entire prospect. Just like you'll almost certainly never have enough money to be affected by the estate tax when you die, you will also never generate enough pollution in your individual life that the government is going to regulate how you live it. Government regulations to limit pollution are there not because they're growing too powerful and uppity and doing whatever they want. They're there because without them, corporations would simply flip the bird at every citizen in this country, trading safety and health for higher profits.

• Yes, yes. I know. I'm the pig at the trough, yada blah blah yada. Keep oinking and clutching your guns, you geniuses. Enjoy four years of gloating that your horse won while your horse pads its wallet while Wyrmtongue whispers in its ear.

• Oh, I mention guns only because that issue is like abortion. If you're against abortion, it's the only issue you vote on. And if you think your guns are in danger, it's the only political issue you really care about. Basically, you vote for anything anti-government because you believe the government is going to kick in your door at any moment to take your guns, after which they can stick you in a FEMA death camp where they'll hold lotteries to kill as many people as possible for their population control agenda.

• If you're thinking, "I liked this blog better when it was about comic books," then you have another think coming. It's never been about comic books! Mostly it's been about me. But you can thank Donald Trump and the Electoral College and all of the people who, for whatever reason, heard Donald Trump speak time and time again and couldn't see he was a big dopey gasbag who is unfit for practically any professional position. I won't be shutting up about how terrible this whole situation is.

Oh look! Simon Oliver feels the same way I do! Except in British!

• Boris Johnson's Knob, the horse Chas put Constantine's money on, wins the race and makes Chas two hundred quid. I mean, the odds were 500 to 1 and he probably put more of Constantine's money on it than that but Constantine only offered to give Chas two hundred pounds for placing the bet. What a chump!

• When Constantine's story continues, he's falling into a seemingly infinite void talking about dolphins. My first reaction was, "Here we go again! Some writer wasn't sure how to start the story so they wedged in a little fifth grade report on something that has nothing to do with this comic book." But by the time John ends his thoughts on dolphins, I'm totally on his side and thinking, "Man! That was a cute take on dolphins! And thematic too! It was like a little chocolate mint short story to get me in the right frame of mind! Sort of like those little candy suppositories waiting on the pillow when you check into a hotel."

• The dolphin introduction is interesting in that, in most cases, an opening like this would simply annoy me and I'd be fuming while reading the rest of the book. "What a shit way to start!" I'd think as I continued to read Rob Liefeld's terrible comic book while also thinking, "I wish Rob were also drawing this terrible comic book because two terribles makes a fantastic time!" But because I enjoyed Constantine's take on dolphins, and I like how he tied it all in to his own reputation, I'm all wet and ready and eager to receive the rest of the story.

And then I orgasm too early because the dialogue following the dolphin shit is just as entertaining.

• Speaking of orgasming too early, I'm reminded of the Loudon Wainwright III song that goes, "You used to say I came too early but it was you who came too late." Such poetry!

• Meanwhile, Mercury and Swamp Thing head into The Rot to search for Abby Arcane. She was the Avatar of the Rot so she shouldn't be missing. But since her role in the Swamp Thing Mythos has always been of partner and lover, I imagine her disappearance is to set the New 52 record straight. This is Rebirth, after all! That means all of the things that had sort of been changed but not really as drastically as everybody proclaimed by the New 52 must be set back to rights. So Anton Arcane probably has something to do with this! He's more of the Avatar of the Rot sort of guy. I think he was in Hell but that's never stopped him before.

• From Map, Constantine learns that he's being chase by Djinns. Constantine doesn't believe in the Djinn but he figures something is after him, so he should probably listen. He discovers that they're actually after the Swamp Thing who he pawned off on Mercury. So now Constantine is going to have to track them down in The Rot.

• In The Rot, Mercury discovers a wormhole and heads through it alone. Swamp Thing must wait for her return in The Rot which probably means he'll be attacked and nearly killed! But Constantine will save him next issue and they'll go on fabulous adventures together.

• But before John can get to Swamp Thing, he needs a ride. So he heads back to pick up Chas and his cab only to find Chas bound and gagged and surrounded by a bunch of bookie thugs. They'll probably get ripped apart by Djinn next issue!

The Review!
This book is written well, interesting, and lovely to look at. So it's surprising that this is the cover DC went with. This cover makes me think the story within is going to be a frightful mess about that time Constantine shit himself while exploring the haunted subway under Parliament. Instead, it's about genies and Constantine vomiting on himself while exploring the spooky underground. Totally different.

The Hellblazer #2

That motorcycle seat is so lucky.

The Commentary!
• Last issue, I was disappointed that Constantine was abandoning Mercury and Swamp Thing to find Abby on their own. But according to the cover and the picnic on the first few pages, I was mistaken! And I'm glad I was because Mercury is my new comic book crush! Some people might have begun reading this issue and thought to themselves, "Who is this adorable woman talking with Swamp Thing? Why am I so stupid and irrelevant that I can't remember her name? And why didn't Simon Oliver mention her name?! Why didn't he Lobdell this issue and begin it, 'My name is Mercury. I was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon'?" But I remember the names of all of the women Moritat draws who I inevitably get a crush on. Like Tallulah Black! And...well, I think so far it's only been Tallulah and Mercury.

• Swamp Thing is giving Mercury some insight into Constantine's character. She believes he's a "total wanker" who only cares about himself. She's mostly not wrong! Swamp Thing points out that if he really only cared about himself, he'd hide away from the real world and toss it all in the bin. But he doesn't! He keeps himself present in the real world! He saves it daily although he often sends children's souls to hell while doing it. That might be where he gets the reputation for only caring about his own ass. Most people would be all, "I would totally throw my life away to save just one child because children are precious creatures and our future and I care about our future and blah blah self-aggrandizing lies blah blah blah!" But they're idiots because they're not looking at the long game. If a train was bearing down on a child and you could save the child but you would die, it's actually a mistake to save the child. Because how many people is a stupid child going to save? Like, probably zero! But you have the ability to save children all over the place! So by keeping yourself alive, you could probably save a couple more children later in the week without throwing your life away. See? Saving the child was a dumb choice!

• Meanwhile, Chas is politely kicking Constantine out of his house so that his wife will come back.

Boris Johnson was the mayor of London until he panicked over the Brexit vote and buggered out. He's basically the Donald Trump of England, judging by his awful hair. I know the mayor of London but I couldn't tell you the current mayor of Portland, Oregon! I stopped paying attention after my step-uncle, Sam Adams, left office. You might have seen Sam in Portlandia as the mayor's assistant.

• Knob is a British slang term for penis. You know, just in case you're an American and you're not into knowing all of the slang for dicks.

• I watch a lot of British panel shows on YouTube. Currently I'm enjoying the newest seasons of Would I Lie To You? and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. I've also been watching Dara O'Briain's Go-8-Bit when I can find an episode not taken down for copyright infringement. And I'm eagerly awaiting the new season of QI!

• Constantine probably has no intention of making Chas's life easier so Chas's best hope is that John gets caught back up in the Swamp Thing road trip to The Rot story. Which, according to the title and the cover, is going to happen!

• So far there's been no mention of those angels who didn't prevent World War I! Maybe that'll take place after the advertisement.

• Chas drives Constantine around London in his black cab. I wonder if Chas not only has The Knowledge but also The Occult as well? That's probably what cab drivers call knowing all of the spooky paranormal haunted routes in London and how to traverse them without getting possessed or encased in hellfire.

• It's nice to have a British writer on Hellblazer again. Constantine just isn't Constantine without a proper British voice coming out of his mouth. Hell, it's just nice to have him back in London!

I know soccer...excuse me, football has become a lot bigger in the States over the last half decade or so but I just can't see an American writer coming up with Constantine comparing his face-off against a demon to a football match. I mean, they might! But I doubt they would have worded it like this with the whole "taken it to penalties" bit. Which reminds me! I haven't watched the latest Rob Beckett YouTube video where he plays FIFA against his friends. I can't wait until he plays Alex Brooker.

• It wasn't until I scanned it that I noticed one of Invader's Space Invader tiles behind Constantine.

• Constantine decides to meet with some of the occult power players to make sure he didn't ruffle any feathers with nearly sending everybody in London to hell. Doesn't seem anybody is too bothered with his gamble. Although he sort of pisses of Marid, the angel who wants to destroy mankind, when Constantine refuses to meet with him. Clarice Sackville is an old power player (but she doesn't look old!) who is giving Marid advice on how to deal with Constantine. I guess Marid realizes to destroy mankind, he's going to have to get past John first.

• Marid's plan also involves the Swamp Thing. So I guess that's part of how all of these stories are going to intertwine.

• Clarice gives John a secret warning that some bad shit is going down and he heads off to do some detectivanting. But he's followed by some spooky cherubs trying to look like grown ups in suits instead of floating babies in diapers. To give them the slip, he heads into the subway tunnels to look for Map. He winds up falling down a dark pit and into next issue.

• When is Mercury going to be a main character in this thing?!

The Ranking!
+2! I know he never said "cunt" but this feels more like Constantine than even the last series felt like Constantine. It just keeps getting more and more Hellblazery.

The Hellblazer #1

This is the look John gives you right before you wind up in Hell.

The Commentary!
I was going to say this is John's look right before he sucks your dick but I think I've used up my quota on using dick sucking to replace sincere thoughts and feelings. Now in my forties, it seems to be my go-to move. Back when I was a teenager, everything I wrote was filled with my over-dramatization of my feelings of unrequited love. In my twenties, my writing was full of philosophical quandaries about my direction in life. In my thirties, I began to fill my writing with a lot more whimsy and began sculpting the pretentious bullshit so that it could fit within the confines of the story or essay. And in my forties, it's all just pretty much about dick sucking. I can't wait to see what I'm writing about in my fifties! I hope it doesn't get me arrested.

This issue begins with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Some guy named Marid tries to stop the assassination but he's stopped by some other guy. Hopefully this Simon Oliver hasn't decided to steal my detectivanting idea! That's where a few upper class British men and women form a club where they gallivant around the world doing detective work. My idea was that it would become all the rage in Edwardian times and the young people who did it would be so careless and narcissistic that they would cause more trouble than good. And eventually their idle shenanigans would start a world war. Just like these miscreants in the opening to this comic book! I hope they aren't Detectivanters! I'll sue Simon Oliver for sure!

But before the reader is allowed to know any more about this great big mystery, the narrative turns back to the present where Swamp Thing is calling on John Constantine for a favor. How hard could a favor for Swamp Thing be? Water? Sunlight? Mineral supplements? Easy peasy!

John decides to talk directly to the reader to tell the story about how he came to owe Swamp Thing a favor. Twenty-two year old me is all, "Shit! Cool! So postmodern!" Forty year old me is all, "Suck a dick."

That's every time in your life if you give it about five years!

Being that the person you are in the present no longer truly resembles the person you were five to eight years ago, it really changes the perspective on going to prison for life. Eventually, you hardly recognize the version of you that committed the crime and yet you still must pay for that person's acts. A lot of people are unsympathetic to this because they have some weird belief that people don't change at all. I believe that there's an aspect of our personality that we really can't change. My first grade report card reads like a person describing who I essentially still am today. But I've also done really stupid shit when I was younger and, looking back, I can't even understand who that person was that would choose to do those things. In a real way, it's not me. It was a person who became me but it's not the me I am today. It's possible only flawed people can understand this. It's generally the people who claim they've never done anything horrible in their life who cannot forgive those who have. I'm not saying we should do away with life sentences! I mean, we should probably do away with life sentences for quite a few crimes, probably! No, what I'm saying is that I, at least, feel terrible when I see somebody who is being incarcerated for life at a young age knowing they'll never be free again. It's a strange idea that one mistake can ruin the life of the future you who will no longer resemble the person who committed the crime. Maybe we need a justice system where the victim or victim's families are in control of the sentence. Not that they get to set it! But maybe they alone can one day forgive the crime and end the sentence. Or is there just no place for redemption and forgiveness in the American justice system?

Judging by the way people on Twitter want to fucking destroy everybody who says anything they think is beyond the pale, I'd say there probably isn't.

John's story begins with Swamp Thing asking John for a favor. So John must mess up pretty royally for this to wind up a story in which John owes Swamp Thing a favor!

Oh wait. It's just that Swamp Thing did his part of the favor exchange first. He kept Wonder Woman and Shazam at bay while Constantine nearly damned everybody in London. Now it's John's turn to pay up. Swamp Thing wants Constantine to help him find Abby because she's disappeared from The Rot. I'm not sure Swamp Thing should be looking for Abby if she's missing. She's probably missing for romantic reasons and he's just going to wind up walking into a room in hell to find Abby sucking demon dick.

Constantine decides to recruit Mercury into the search because of her psychic abilities. Plus she was introduced in Rebirth and she can't just be forgotten already. She needs to have a big role in this comic book. Bigger than Chas's even, I hope, because she's cute in that way Moritat makes the women he draws cute. They're like little fuckable cartoons. I mean, they're drawn with great personalities and tons of agency!

Oh, who am I kidding? I don't care if Mercury has any agency! As long as she looks cute and acts adorable, I'm pretty happy with her characterization.

"Abby who?!"

I fucking love that look John gives the reader in the above scan. Maybe I don't mind that John interacts with the reader. He's kind of the Ferris Bueller of the DC Universe.

Mercury agrees to help Swamp Thing but sends Constantine away. That's too bad! At this point, I'm more invested in the Swamp Thing story than whatever situation Constantine is going to get into involving the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand!

Constantine goes off to pout because Mercury is more interested in a plant than his cock. Not that she'd be interested in his cock anyway because he's so old. Unless, of course, she has Daddy Issues! Hell, maybe John is her daddy! She'll fuck him for sure if that's the case.

The issue ends with the two guys who didn't stop the Great War when they had a chance. The good one who didn't stop the events that led to millions of deaths over the next century is killed by the bad one who wanted to prevent those deaths. I mean, I guess the bad one used to be the good one. Or maybe I'm using the wrong adjectives. The good one was actually the selfish one who didn't want their presence to be discovered by "the creator" which is what would have happened had they stopped the assassination. The bad one was actually the one trying to help the humans even if it risked revealing himself to "the creator". So apparently they're angels on the run. That's totally what I figured they were. Masonic angels from outer space disguised as reptilian creatures from another dimension. Totally nailed it. So anyway, the bad one who was once good has decided that it's time to completely interfere with the humans because they are ruining everything with their free will.

The Hellblazer Rebirth #1

The Commentary!
Let's try this again! Hellblazer was going along fine and dandy over in the Vertigo world when some asshole at DC Comics decided that Constantine needed to be actively engaged in their superhero universe. Most of the people enjoying Hellblazer at the time probably thought this was a really stupid idea. And I want to point out how it wasn't a really stupid idea so that I can make those snobby elitists look like royal assholes! But I'm one of them! It was a bad idea! You cannot have a John Constantine who isn't allowed to say "cunt"! It just doesn't work. DC finally realized that it doesn't work so they dumped the awful New 52 Constantine which basically consisted of John battling magic monsters and then casting a spell which will have real horrible consequences. It always worked to drive away the monster and Constantine and his mates never really had to deal with any consequences. I guess Constantine once had to make it so Zatanna never loved him while he still loved her but who the fuck cares about that?! You don't need magic to love somebody who doesn't give a shit about you!

In the re-revamped version of Constantine, DCYou's Constantine the Hellblazer, John was now allowed to swear as much as he wanted! But the letters in the swears were all replaced by pentagrams. The series was much better for it but not perfect because he still couldn't say ⍟⍟⍟⍟! DC Comics, unaware of the real problem haunting their inability to recreate the Constantine magic, killed Constantine the Hellblazer too. It was time for John Constantine to get a Rebirth! That's the comic book I'm going to read now! And I should already point out that it's not going to be very good because it's an American comic book that isn't rated for Mature Readers Only, so no way is John going to be able to say cunt. I might as well not even bother!

The issue begins with a little two page story about how John Constantine lost his home of London and was banished to New York City. It's the usual Constantine story. John pisses off a demon. Demon gets ready to make John pay. John says some things that makes the demon rethink who might be the most powerful person in the John/Demon relationship. John lights a cigarette. Demon lets John live. John adds another vastly powerful entity to his list of immortal enemies.

And maybe John said cunt? Does "lie like a cunt rug, mate" make sense?

But then Donald Trump began making a run for president and Constantine decided there were some battles he doesn't want to get caught up in, so he headed back home to London and his buddy Chas who apparently isn't dead. Whether or not he had died somewhere along the way, I have no idea anymore. And since this is a Rebirth, I don't have to know anyway! Free pass for everybody! Continuity police can reset their watches after their done sitting flummoxed in their La-Z-Boy recliners pouting and covered in nacho cheese sauce. There's not time for arguing how old Constantine might be or whether or not he's had sex with Swamp Thing! Because those things don't matter anymore! Well, I guess John's age might matter, eventually. As it is now, it doesn't matter if he lived through New York's Punk Scene or if he missed it because he was way too young. It doesn't matter if he's in love with Zatanna or if he's in love with that little blonde thing from Chelsea. Also, I might have made up the blonde thing. But that's my point! It doesn't matter!

This nameless lass is my favorite character in Rebirth so far. Maybe she'll become the new Anguished Fat Man! Vapid Stoner Girl!

Since this is Rebirth, Oliver is taking the readers on a quick synopsis of the things that now matter in Constantine's life. The most important one of those is that if John spends any appreciable time in London, his soul will leave his body due to the curse placed on him by the demon he humiliated. But Constantine has a plan to break that curse so that London can get back to being his Gotham. He never really was suited to be a New Yorker, no matter how many times the reader was told that he was on the cutting edge of the punk-magic scene and how many people he fucked in the bathrooms at CBGB.

Somebody should open a mediocre restaurant franchise and call it CBGBs. Maybe all of the boarded up TGIFridays can just rebrand without doing any renovations: CBGBurgers. That would be punk, right? Instead of a restaurant with sawdust on the floor, CBGBs can be a restaurant with sawdust falling from the ceiling! And exposed insulation on every wall! And raccoons living in the ceiling! That's punk, right?

Meanwhile a woman who lives in a hobbit hole and and raises goats is...well, sticking candles in her vagina? I'm not too clear on that. All I know is that there's suddenly another female character drawn by Moritat that I'm probably going to develop a huge crush on, candles or no candles.

I know I was making jokes about the quality of a Constantine comic book relying on whether or not he can say the word "cunt" but I didn't realize you could get away with having Constantine say "circle jerk".

I don't know how you hold a circle jerk together with old chewing gum but I'm going to find out by introducing chewing gum at my next circle jerk.

I have never believed in magic until I heard Alan Moore talk about the existence of magic. And then, through the magic of Alan Moore's words, he cast a spell on me so that I suddenly believed in magic. It was really easy to do too! He just told me to look at the definition of a magic spell and I was, "Oh yeah! Spells are cast with words and they change reality. That's just fucking words! That's making a speech! That's putting together an advertising campaign! That's convincing half of the American population that the world is burning around them and the only way to make it better is to vote in politicians who only have their own selfish interests at heart and don't give a shit about anybody else! Donald Trump is a demon summoned by the incessant rhetoric chanted by multiple Republican talking heads over the course of the last twenty years. That is real life magic and we're all going to be ass-raped by the vile and disgusting incubus the Republicans have summoned into being!"

Constantine's plan to escape the demon's curse is to transfer the curse from himself to every other resident of London. It's not that he doesn't care about the other people in London (he may or may not!), it's just that he definitely cares about himself. So even if his plan to overload the demon's realm with eight million souls all gathered at once doesn't get the demon to stop the curse, at least Constantine will still be alive!

Oliver makes sure to throw in a couple of pages of some Justice Leaguers discussing how something horrible has happened in London and it's probably Constantine's fault and that maybe they should kick his teeth down his pint of Guinness. But Swamp Thing shows up to tell Wonder Woman and Shazam to maybe stand down on this one because even though everybody in London is about to die, Constantine probably has a handle on the situation. That's good enough for Wonder Woman! Especially since Swamp Thing will be to blame if everybody dies. If anybody says, "Wonder Woman! Why didn't you do anything?!" She can just say, "Swamp Thing told me not to! It's his fault!"

Constantine and the demon engage in one of those conversations that John always manages to get started which his opponents should really know by now not to be tricked into. The smart thing to do when you've got the upper hand over Constantine is to close your eyes, cover your ears, and scream "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" until Constantine is in hell. It's because Constantine knows that the real magic is in the words. The spells are just the special effects. That's why he's more con man than magician.

This time (as with loads of other times), Constantine's speechifying was just to buy time until the hobbit, Mercury, arrived to save the day.

Not only can she swear in pentagrams, she's also psychic! So she gets the demon's name for John so he can have some power over the bastard.

With the demon's name, Constantine ends the curse and Wonder Woman doesn't have to call a press conference to explain why she let everybody in London die.

The Review!
Since the comic book couldn't say it, I'll say it here: cunt! There, now it's a complete Hellblazer comic book. Oh, excuse me: The Hellblazer. How fucking stupid is that the?! I'm fucking choking on that piece of shit the! It doesn't have to be their, DC Comics! It's fucking stupid! As you might know, it's okay to have a new comic book with the same title as the old comic book, no matter how fucking confusing it is. You've done it countless times before! Just think how many Teen Titans #1 comic books are out there! Aside from the lack of cunts and the excess number of "the"s, this comic book was a pretty great start to a new John Constantine book. We got Chas and London and Constantine humiliating a demon and a woman who hates Constantine but is going to be forced to work with him so that he doesn't destroy the world trying to save himself. He eats some curry, he smokes a cigarette, he wears a trench coat, he has blonde hair. That's pretty much all I expect from a Hellblazer comic book! I wonder how many people are upset he didn't fuck a woman and a man in this issue and were all "How dare DC erase his bisexuality!" I suppose we all have different things about Constantine that we find are important to the character. Some people only give a shit about where he sticks his dick, and other people are into his mystical battles with the forces of hell and the trail of friends' corpses he leaves in his wake. If you're into the dick aspect, you might not like this issue because he doesn't outright state what he does with it. If you're into curries, you're going to fucking love this issue because Constantine fucking wrecks a vindaloo!

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #2

The Ray is the greatest Escher Girl of them all.

I stared at this for at least thirty seconds wondering where Black Condor was. My brain simply assumed the central figure was Uncle Sam and it wouldn't budge from its assumption. Part of the problem was that my eyes couldn't be bothered to scan the entire cover when it had Phantom Lady's boobs and crotch to stare at. I wonder if the Human Bomb wears anything under his outfit? Probably but I bet it's just a condom.

Last issue promised that this issue would feature a huge three-way. So get ready to see some hot Freedom Fighter on Brother Eye Cyborg on Nazi action!

There it is! It's all downhill from here!

That splash page takes places about two minutes before the cover. They're practically the same picture of Phantom Lady's boobs and crotch! Not that I'm complaining!

I was wrong about the "two minutes" part of my statement. When I turned the page, the very next panel has the Freedom Fighters standing around victorious. Unless "two minutes" is the average time between panels in large scale super hero battles.

The Silver Ghost shows up to discuss the prospects of The Freedom Fighters getting into bed with him. He says he has some compelling evidence as to why they should and that evidence is not his massive cock.

Nazi, Plastic Man. The perfect Nazi! That definition doesn't describe American Soldiers because that definition wasn't "Hero. Absolute hero. Shut up, you communist asstard! I said 'hero' and I mean 'hero' and you can't be ambiguous about it by bringing reality into the conversation because all American soldiers are heroes and that's the end of it!"

The Freedom Fighters join forces with Silver Ghost and the Nazis because I guess the Freedom Fighters don't fight for freedom as much as they'd like people to think they do. You never team up with the Nazis! Ever! Even if the fate of everything relies on holding hands with Hitler and skipping down to the pond to feed some ducks, you don't do it! Although if the only choices to save the world were to either team up with Hitler or to burn an American flag, obviously you team up with Hitler. According to a huge percentage of Americans, there is nothing worse than burning the American flag. How dare somebody disrespect the symbol of all those American soldiers that we just love to ship off overseas to die so we can engage in ill-fated hero worship and not feel guilty about living a life of materialism and narcissism.

Plastic Man and The Silver Ghost and Cyborg Superman's head march off to find Brother Eye so they can destroy him. The rest of the Freedom Fighters remain behind to reenact Starship Troopers. Brother Eye turns out to be a great big factory slash womb in the heart of Futures End New York City.

See?! Never team up with a Nazi! Freedom hating Schweinehunde!

I feel like calling a Nazi a "Schweinehund" would be a major insult since they seemed to be so concerned with racial purity and what's less pure than a pig that is also a dog! That's so American!

While Plastic Man realizes he's on his own against the Future End Cyborgs (and worse, probably! Silver Ghost probably wants to team up with them so that Brother Eye could become "The German Word for 'Brother'" Auge!), The Ray notices some strange attacking ships on the horizon: Cyborg Warwheels! Oh no! How can they compete against Cyborg Warwheels?! If only the Nazis had a Warwheel of their own!

Apparently Earth-Nazi doesn't have a Warwheel of its own because it won the war. The Nazi Warwheel only came to prominence when the post-World War II Nazis were desperate to regain their national prominence. But a Nazi Warwheel wasn't needed anyway because Plastic Man accidentally blows up the Factory Slash Womb Slash Queen Ant Slash Cyborg Leader thing. Then the earthquake hits and the cyborg city blows up for some reason. Probably because it doesn't matter how these stories end so why not just get rid of all that fucking Futures End bullshit in one fell swoop. But Plastic Man lives, of course! As do Black Condor and Dollman and Phantom Lady's superb costume! Uncle Sam never makes an appearance because he was probably shaving and getting a haircut during the battle. He sure was a mess after a year under the dome without an infusion of Patriotism.

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #2 Rating: 6.5 Hippies out of 10. I really liked McCrea's artwork! It reminds me that I'm reading a comic book! Sometimes when I'm reading about a guy that can change shape as he battles a Nazi regime that won World War II, I forget that I'm not reading a Time Life book about the history of the world.

Divergence: Harley Quinn
"It's orientation day for Harley's new team of amazing assistants, the Gang of Harleys--and that means it's time to hand out code names! (Readers with severe pun allergies are advised to put this comic book down now, before it's too late.)"

Hey DC! Shouldn't you try to maintain continuity even in these weird Divergence introductions?! Because now you've set up a world where sometimes you have spaces before and after the em dash and sometimes you don't! Which is it going to be?! This is as confusing as Donna Troy's origin!

Remember when the word "piss" was one of those words people were supposed to pretend didn't exist? How did it become embraced by the more prudish masses while cunt and fuck and cocksucker and motherfucker remain outside the fence, gripping the chainlink with their stubby little fingers as tears of loneliness fall down their cheeks as they watch as piss and tits and asshole and even dirty old shit being embraced by conformity?

Harley gives stupid and probably racist names to all the members of her gang. She also explains all the boroughs of New York for those of us who live on the West Coast and don't give a pig-dog's ass about New York City.

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #1

I can't wait to find out what shape Plastic Man has been stuck in for a year.

It's been well established over the last four weeks of Convergence titles that shapeshifters were stuck in whatever form they were in when the domes dropped. And since Eel spends 95% of his time as a ludicrous shape, he's bound to have spent the last year in a ridiculous fucking manner. I bet he's a patriotic butt plug for Uncle Sam.

The Freedom Fighters (and Plastic Man!) are going to have to battle the Futures End robot heroes. Those Futures End guys already have one win under their belts because they destroyed the Stan Lee DC creations! They can't be stopped. I mean, if the Freedom Fighters defeat them after forty-eight issues of the normal DC Universe heroes never even coming close to winning, I'm going to sue DC Comics for $144.00. We can sue for more if anybody wants to put together a class action lawsuit!

I'd forgotten that about 75% of the previous Convergence books I've read showed Plastic Man shackled to a wall when Telos gives the cities a glimpse of their opponents. And that's how this issue begins. Plas and the Freedom Fighters are in a Nazi prison and, just outside their cell window, some Nazis are building a gallows to hang them all. Luckily Uncle Sam is nowhere to be seen so he's probably going to mount a rescue! Or maybe he's just busy recruiting more bodies for his war.

This issue is drawn by John McCrea and written by not Garth Ennis. It also doesn't star Hitman.

No, I know about the dome. Get to the Nazis!

If this city is run by Nazis, why should the Freedom Fighters fight for its continued existence? I suppose Uncle Sam will ask his fellow fighters to fight for the one or two innocent people still living in the city. Like Abraham trying to convince God not to destroy that place where he goes to fuck prostitutes every weekend, Uncle Sam will try to save the city by negotiating with his team. Too bad their opponents are the Futures End cyborgs. Even the third smartest man on Earth couldn't stop them!

Plastic Man recounts the days leading up to the dome falling on the city. The Freedom Fighters had a plan to lure the greatest Nazi superhero into New York City so that they could beat his ass and strike a blow against fascist socialists everywhere! So they captured the Nazi leader of New York, shoved a bunch of hot dogs up his ass, and duct taped him to a blimp.

He's a despicable Nazi that's committed many war crimes, so are we still supposed to be angry about the Freedom Fighters anally raping him with sausages? I'm a bit unclear where I should stand on that. Wrong? Right? Justice?

Is it ever okay to anally rape somebody with a hot dog? What if they previously anally raped somebody with a hot dog? Then it's justice, right? If you had a time machine, would you go back in time and stuff a Vienna Sausage up baby Hitler's ass?

I'm going to have to put a trigger warning for hot dog rape on this commentary, aren't I?

As the Freedom Fighters battled Silverghost, the dome fell and everybody lost their powers. Silverghost got away and the Freedom Fighters went into hiding. The Nazis took control of the city and everything fell into a nice, comfortable Nazi regime. Everybody lived happily ever after. Nicht!

Uncle Sam is a Goddamned Hippie!

I think I'm almost to the part where they get their powers back right before they're hanged!

I am! I am! Except they get their powers back while in the jail cell. And I didn't have to read Telos's fucking announcement this issue! It's a Nazi Miracle!

The last page of the story actually has a little bit of the speech on it but since it was the last page, I had already been tricked into blowing my wad about not having to read it. Now I feel dirty. Here's the last page of the comic that isn't really part of the story but a glimpse at next month's issue:

You can try to hide your hippie locks under that hat, Sam, but I know they're there now!

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #1 Rating: Once again, an issue where the writer, Simon Oliver, spends one issue basically telling a Plastic Man story (featuring the Freedom Fighters) and ignoring the whole Convergence aspect of the book. Kudos! And I'm always glad to read a comic book drawn by John McCrea. And who doesn't love Nazis?!