Action Comics #38

Oh god. This comic book just keeps getting scarier and scarier.

Because my father never paid any attention to me, the world now has this blog! And the only thing I've learned from it is that maybe my father was right! I'm not worth paying attention to! I don't know if I'm emotionally stable enough to read a Superman story about him returning home to find his parents waiting for him. They're going to be so sweet and nice and perfect and, even though they'll be soul sucking alien monsters, I'm still going to be envious of Clark!

This issue is called "Home is Where the Hell Is" because right?

The story begins with a flashback of eight year old Clark meeting He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Unless it's a dream. Or a hallucination. Clark can't think this is a real memory. No adult would be naive enough to believe in a god-monster that lives out in the corn fields commanding children to kill their parents. That's as silly as an immortal clown that needs a huge sacrifice every thirty years to sustain it. Or a jealous car with a will of its own! Or people calling a deadly flu Captain Trips! What a bunch of silly nonsense.

Now what is Clark up against? Some kind of "fire starter"?

Lana disappears down the end of the hallway which grows and grows and grows and now probably takes about five and a half minutes to walk down. And that's when it happens. That's when he hears his parents call out to him from the next room. Shit. I guess Smallville was established on an old Micmac burial ground.

Sometimes dead is better. Ayuh!

Clark's parents are really just the Smallville monster having a laugh at Clark's expense. But the monster is pretty good at his mimicry which causes Superman to feel a bit guilty when he thinks about how he's going to have to beat the crap out of his parents' corpses.

Untrue, Martha! The angriest person is probably the most intelligent person who is completely and utterly frustrated with having to deal with fucking stupid morons on a constant fucking basis.

Platitudes are right, Martha. Don't let anybody ever convince you that your demeanor in an argument or a debate somehow indicates how right or wrong or innocent or guilty you are. Every time I see one of those fucking true crime dramas narrated by that self-righteous lich Keith Morrison where he interviews people whose sole reason for believing somebody's guilt is due to the way the person didn't react the way they expected them to react, I realize that if I were ever to be a suspect in a murder investigation, I wouldn't stand a chance. Police guts and prosecutor intuition would deem me guilty as soon as they met me.

Clark finds out that Lana has been taken by one of the monsters and is thoroughly enjoying her memory of all the horror movies she saw as a kid. And then Clark is left alone to rebury the corpses of his parents. How is Clark going to figure out the mystery of Horrorville without Batman's help.,Or at the very least, a strong understanding of the culture of American horror stories.

Speaking of horror movies, I'm currently about an hour into Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives! It's not quite as bad as Part V but only barely. They spend even more time with overly goofy characters because the awful trend in horror in the eighties was to mix in as much comedy as gore. But the gore can't even compare to the first four movies. Just like Part V, they rely on lots of reaction shots of the person about to die then quick cuts to the weapon being thrust or swung or stabbed and then a cut back to the person dead with the weapon already in their head or stomach or whatever. At least they had the decency to basically ignore Part V. Jason Voorhees wasn't cremated like was mentioned in Part V and Tommy is played by another actor which helps me rationalize that Part V was just one of Tommy's psychotic hallucinations while in the mental hospital. One interesting aspect of this one that I'd forgotten is that it actually takes place at a summer camp full of children. The only problem is you know none of the kids are going to be killed. Although if this had been filmed in the 70s, those cabins full of kids would wind up being a bloodbath!

Once again, the movie was full of one-dimensional stereotypes. I guess that's not too different from any of the movies that never really tried too hard to flesh out the characters. They're mostly just fodder for Jason's (or his mom's) killing spree. But it's not really until Part V that they start making the characters over the top exaggerations of single character traits played simply for laughs.

The self-referential metatextual dialogue just seems amateurish and hackneyed. Apparently this movie gets credit for being some kind of Scream precursor but that's like trying to compare Spice World to the The Muppet Movie. They may be similar in execution but one is a work of art and the other is a poorly written movie that couldn't be bothered to think of a plot so they made the plot of the movie making a movie. The latter is Spice World! I said it was poorly written! And yes, I've seen Spice World (in the theater when it was released!) and reviewed it!

The best part of Part VI so far is the soundtrack since there have been three Alice Cooper songs so far. They're from Constrictor which isn't a great album but it's still Cooper! No wait. Two are from Constrictor: Teenage Frankenstein and He's Back. Hard Rock Summer is from I don't fucking know where. Maybe just the soundtrack? I only know it from the Alice Cooper Box Set, The Life and Crimes of Alice Cooper.

Anyway, back on the Kent family farm, the only people in Smallville still not turned into Tommyknockers discuss what to do next. The first thing they need to do is remove the parasites clinging to their backs. But when that proves too difficult, Superman and Steel decide to finally listen to the people of Smallville who are now all psychic superheroes. Yeah, that makes sense. Why the fuck not? All that Lois Lane with psychic powers has apparently crushed my spirit. I'll accept anything now.

The psychic Smallvillians tell Superman he needs to kill all of the monsters. But they're attached to children and it isn't the 1970s, so he's going to have to put on his post-millennial kid gloves to deal with them. Maybe put a helmet on them and tell them that anything is possible and give them all trophies?

Bah, just burn the whole fucking place to the ground.

All of these monsters have come out of the Phantom Zone and Superman needs to put them back and fix the Phantom Zone leak. Are all these creatures native to The Phantom Zone? If that's true, then Jor-el was a fucking dick sending Kryptonian supervillains into a space already inhabited by sentient beings. Or did Jor-el just stick whatever the fuck he didn't like or understand in the Phantom Zone? Maybe Clark put these creatures in the Phantom Zone? Whenever a creature in his menagerie became too hard to take care of, he'd just flush it down the Phantom Zone? Anyway, the people of Smallville were using their powers to keep the leak sealed. But then Superman confused them and now Smallville is full of monsters from Stephen King's The Mist.

Action Comics #38 Rating: No change. I guess Clark can say fucking goodbye to his secret identity. He's been dealing with one psychic person after another and eventually one of them will decide not to keep his secret for him. He's lucky Lois forgot because she'll put anything in print just to get some praise.

Batman Loves Superman #13

It's been two months since this book came out. I don't even remember who Batman and Superman are.

I'm a Writer, not a Reader! Reading is for lazy people who enjoy passive entertainment. They like to lay back (unless it's lie back. Maybe it doesn't matter because I'm a Professional Writer and thus I get to make up my own rules. I could even write a whole story within the confines of this parenthetical reference if I wanted to. But as a Reader, you can't do anything but read everything that was placed within the...hey! Where are you going? You're supposed to Read what I Write, Reader! Don't you dare leave this parenthetical reference until you've consumed every word, you sick bastard!) and just take it. But not me! I like to give! I give all day long! Although sometimes I need a break and I read. But I don't read nearly as much as I used to, for some reason! Here is a list of the books I read this year:

1. Hitchhiker's Guide To Some Galaxy or Something (reread. As if I have enough years left in my life to be rereading things! What am I doing?!)
2. The Restaurant in Some Galaxy's Ending or Something (reread)
3. Life, The Universe, Or Something (reread)
4. So Long, and Thanks for Nothing (reread)
5. Mostly Something (reread)
6. LOLita
7. The Last Uniporn

That's it! If you don't count all of the comics that I read so that I have material to Write about. You can't just make up stuff to Write right out of your head! You need Inspiration and Mooses! The Moose that inspires me the most is Clytaemnestra because her name sounds dirty twice! And I don't want any smart Trebeks telling me who I can have for a Moose! I'm the Writer here!

Does anybody remember what happened when Batman Loved Superman last issue? No? Okay then, we'll just start over.

The Reboot Lord Satanus is completely different from the Preboot version. The Preboot version spelled his name Lord Satanis!

Here's an excerpt from Lord Satanis's entry in "Who's Who Volume XIII" (how do you pronounce that?! "Zheeeee!") from March 1986:

"Much of Lord Satanis' background is still wrapped in mystery. We have never seen his unmasked face. He stated that he took the name Satanis from Satan, but never revealed his real name."

I'm glad Lord Satanis cleared up where he came up with the name! I like the new spelling because now he can say his name is in reference to how he's resting on his laurels. Because it combines "sat" with "anus," duh!

That was a weird excerpt from Who's Who, wasn't it? It's like the entry was talking directly to me when it used the pronoun "we"!

As a Writer, I get to decide which grammar and writing rules I want to use and which ones I think are for Amateurs so they don't completely embarrass themselves while trying to write. So I would have said "Lord Satanis's" instead of "Lord Satanis'" because when I say it directly out of my mouth and out loud, it sounds like I'm saying "Satanis's"! That's another rule I don't like! The one about putting punctuation inside of the quotation mark at the end of the sentence. In some cases, it's absolutely essential to do it the correct way. But if I had put the exclamation point inside the quote along with Satanis's, you would have thought that the word "Satanis's" was super exciting and not my previous sentence! I also use lots and lots of exclamation points because you probably can't believe how exciting everything I write is and I like to help you to believe!

Enough about my Writing Process! I can't give away all of my secrets or else you might become as good as me and take my job. And nobody wants to read anything written by a reader!

Kaiyo makes a deal with Lord Satanus which ignores how they met and who Lord Satanus actually is and what is going on. That might take up too many pages. Besides, it's a comic book, so you can probably glean all of that from the pictures. The pictures suggest that Lord Satanus, Ruler of Earth's Dark Realm, lives in a hole near the Earth. Is that where Earth's Dark Realm is located? I would have guessed it was in the ground, especially since the person lording over it is named Satanus. Because an anus is like a hole in the ground!

The pictures also suggest that Kaiyo likes to nap in Earth's orbit and she just happened to nap too close to Lord Satanus's hole this time. Now she either has to feed herself to him or give him Blank Slate Batman and Superman to play with. Or with which to play, if you're a dyed-dactyl jerko. That reminds me! Kaiyo took away Batman and Superman's memory at the end of last issue because Kaiyo is the Apokoliptian version of Mytzlmite.

Good old Clark Kent, reporter! Even with amnesia, he still remembers to ask the Five "W"s: what, why, where, who, and whow.

Catwoman is the person asking Superman if it hurt. She's just using a pick up line because she likes having sex with super heroes. She doesn't know this person is a superhero, of course, even though he isn't wearing his glasses. She's probably looking at his spit curl and not his spit curl, if you know what I mean and aren't overly confused by the fact that I said the same thing twice but meant two very different things. One of the things I meant was a diddly-doo!

Catwoman never gets the chance to make Batman super jealous because a big robot monster chases her away. Meanwhile, Superman gets tetanus in his butthole.

Batman also reappears in Gotham but he gets to keep his bat-clothing.

Also, he's not a reporter so he only knows the one "W."

Batman and The Scarecrow are in the middle of a battle and even though Batman doesn't remember how to be Batman, his body remembers how to be Batman. I guess that's the same way that when people get amnesia, they generally still can speak their native language. Unless they can't! I'm not a doctor or a parasicklologist or anything, so I can't be certain that people can still speak after receiving amnesia. There are probably different levels of amnesia depending on how many people you want thinking you've forgotten about them so that you don't have to go to their stupid parties anymore. "What? Teleman who? I have no idea who you are or that you sent me an evite to your dumb dumb Murder Mystery Party! I'm pretty sure I'm busy that night, if I'm remembering correctly. I mean, plus I don't know you, jerko."

That last sentence in the quotation marks was me, Grunion Guy, acting like I had amnesia and talking to my coworker, Teleman, who is a big idiot.

The Scarecrow hits Batman with fear toxin but since Batman has forgotten everything that he's afraid of, it has no effect on him. The Scarecrow, being a parasicklologist, should have guessed that would happen! But I guess he forgot that Batman has amnesia! He should have been reading the comic book more closely.

Batman has also forgotten that he's afraid to shoot criminals and he tries to shoot the Scarecrow. The Scarecrow forgot that you're supposed to poop in toilets and now needs a new costume.

No, Batman loves Superman, you stupid wall. Although maybe DC needs a Catwoman Loves Batman comic book which only tells stories of their hookups.

I said, "Catwoman Loves Batman!" Enh, Batman's a withholding jerko. Catwoman needs to get it wherever she can.

What was Catwoman stealing from the Gotham City Junkyard? No, no. Nevermind. I'm sure Ann Nocenti had a very dumb plot device that explains it all. Well, the plot doesn't explain it. But Ann Nocenti probably explained it in an interview so that if you read the Catwoman Junkyard story, and thought, "What the doo doo was that?", and then you read her interview explaining the doo doo, you'd say, "Is she talking about the story I just read? Or any of her stories I read? Why can't she translate her seemingly interesting ideas into coherent scripts?!"

Catwoman explains to the naked man that she somehow doesn't know is Superman that the robots that attacked her were built by somebody named Mangubat. I don't like the sound of that! It's like Man-Bat with "gu" in the middle!

Meanwhile, through a series of lucky accidents, Batman finds his way back to the Bat-cave where he's hosting a benefit for Gentrifying Downtown. Luckily Alfred walks him through what he needs to know via some kind of inner ear intercom, and a woman at the party reminds him that he's Bruce Wayne, the richest and sexiest man in Gotham City. Now he knows everything I know about Bruce Wayne! He's practically got his memory back!

Lois Lane appears in a train on the way to Gotham. I knew she'd be in the comic book because she was on the cover and I looked at the cover. It's what makes me such a good Writer because I observe subtleties like that. The train Lois is on is one of Mangubat's robots and he uses it to kidnap her. Or he tries to. Superman, having been briefed by Catwoman (I'm assuming because he's now wearing a Superman belt which Selina probably purchased at Hot Topic and thought it would be clever to give him along with some tight leather pants), decides to destroy the train. I guess he has forgotten that trains usually carry innocent passengers. He does save Lois though because he always saves Lois when she gets in over her head on a dangerous investigation. And then he asks her who Superman is and then Catwoman laughs and then the the passengers on the train die screaming and then the issue is over and then it's time for Futures End. I wonder if this story was supposed to be finished before Futures End began but Jae Lee took too long with the art because Jae Lee always takes too long with the art. Unless he doesn't. I just made that up because his art looks like the kind of art that always misses deadlines.

Batman Loves Superman #13 Rating: No change. I often complain about how Scott Lobdell can only write stories that involve alternate dimensions because he's lazy and can't come up with any other stories other than the one he wrote for X-men and now rewrites constantly. And now I think I need to complain about Greg Pak and the way he writes stories that involve Batman and Superman being put in situations that use amnesia to resolve. First he has them transplanted to another world to forget about what happened there. Now he has them transplanted back from that world where they were retransplanted to remember what happened there only to now have forgotten again. Then you have the Toyman/Mongul story that I've forgotten about because it was so terrible. Are they ever going to take part in a story they get to remember? I bet at the end of Doomed, everybody in the entire world forgets about Doomsday and how Lois was responsible for killing thousands of people in Metropolis. Also, what was up with Lord Satanus? Why couldn't Kaiyo still be responsible for these shenanigans? Did we really need another ultra-powerful, less comical Bat-ptlk?

Batman Loves Superman #9

It's about fucking time this shit came out, DC Comics. Get your act together!

First Contact Part 4 came out a few weeks ago. I decided not to read the story out of order even though DC seemed to think it didn't fucking matter. But it mattered to me! I was discussing my childhood during the First Contact story arc and DC made me lose the momentum! In the last commentary, I detailed the award I earned in Kindergarten for picnicking like a motherfucker. I also had nine gold stars for some reason. Probably because I was super clever.

Now it's time to see what was happening during my first grade years!

Hmm. This is odd. Not much was happening during those years, I guess. I think my mother had already tired of paying attention to my accomplishments. The only thing that still exists from those years is a ribbon.

I guess that's all that needs to be said about me in first grade! "WIN"

I also remember my First Grade teacher, Miss Nelson, used to mind fuck us whenever we played Simon Says. Whenever she wanted to end the game, she'd say, "Simon says jump up!" And everybody would jump up. Then she'd say, "Simon didn't say to come down!" She's lucky she wasn't found in the bushes behind the school with dozens of pairs of safety scissors sticking out of her body.

I also learned "Frère Jacques" in Miss Nelson's class. Of course we sang the "Where is Thumbkin?" version. I blame learning that song for my current social skills.

I thought it was spelled Gamorra but then when do I ever remember the names of anything ever?

Superman and The Huntress have arrived on New Gamorra to stop Kaizen Gamorra Jr from completing whatever evil task he's up to. Power Girl and Batman have already infiltrated Kaizen Gamorra Jr's inner sanctum although Batman more successfully than Power Girl who has been captured by him. By Kaizen Gamorra Jr! Not Batman!

One day ago, Superman put in an order with Toymaster for something delivered to New Gamorra Island. I don't know how Superman knew he was going to be there a day later to receive the shipment but who am I to ask stupid questions about plot inconsistencies? I'm sure it will be explained later. Maybe Superman got a phone call from Madame Xanadu and she told him the world would end if he didn't place that order. That's plausible!

Why was this comic book delayed? Jae Lee didn't even have to draw any backgrounds in any of these panels!

Now it's spelled Gamorra. Fuck you, DC! You know, I'd forgive these kinds of errors if you weren't making so many bigger errors as well.

Since it's been so fucking long since I read the last issue of First Contact, I'll redact my comment about Madame Xanadu. It's possible that a day has passed since Superman took Power Girl's nanites and everyone arrived on Gamorra Island. Not probable! But possible.

Kaizen Gamorra Jr is trying to open a portal to Earth 2 for some reason. Because he can? I think that's the only reason most evil geniuses need. Although he really kind of needs a good reason for doing it. He's already created an army of half-Kryptonian warriors. What more does he need for any plan he wants to undertake on New Earth?

Some stuff happens where Superman and Batman remember the first story arc of Batman Loves Superman even though they shouldn't. We knew Greg Pak would eventually have to reference it again, right? He can't just let one of his stories not mean anything simply because none of the characters involved in it remember it! And then more stuff happens that lead to Kaizen Gamorra Jr opening the portal to Earth 2 while Superman and The Huntress fetch their special delivery package from Toymaster.

This is what Superman ordered from Toymaster. Super Kabuki Space Armor.

The main problem with the armor is that it retains a communication link with Hiro the Toymaster. That fucking prick is annoying.

Everybody fails to stop the portal from opening. Superman fails. The Huntress fails. Batman fails. Power Girl fails. Everybody fails! Leaving an open portal to Earth 2 for The Huntress and Power Girl to climb into and go home. Or maybe for Flip the Fuck Out Superman to climb into and destroy another world. One of those things!

Batman Loves Superman #9 Rating: -5 Ranking. It wasn't worth the wait! Plus I had to wait for it! I hate waiting! Plus it's making me use up all of my exclamation points! Sure, Jae Lee's art is nice and stylish and crazy all at the same time! But can he ever draw anything in the background besides crazy trees?

Batman Loves Superman #8

Who wants to bet that car does not belong to Superman? What a fucking dick.

Before we find out why the heroes are battling each other like they're wont to do, let's return this blog to a subject that's been sorely lacking of late: me! Some people are of the mistaken opinion that this is a comic book blog. But comic books are simply incidental to the topic I'm most passionate about which is, once again, me.

The Thanksgiving before last, my mother brought up a box with my old report cards and that School Years Book that every parent diligently filled out for their first born child, filling the paper pockets with awards and drawings and lost teeth. I'm the second born child, so mine is a little less thorough. I'm sure if I'd had younger siblings, their books would have still been wrapped in cellophane.

They're probably still making these with this exact cover! Oh shit. Or maybe they aren't! Let's get out of this caption to look at something entertaining I found on Amazon just now!

It looks like Batman and Superman are going to have to wait even longer now that I looked up the School Years Book on Amazon to see if they're still being sold. And they are! Of course they aren't using the cover I just scanned since that font was outlawed in 1977 and even by the time I was going to school way back in The Dark Ages, we didn't have little school houses or carry our books on a belt. I'm sure the image has been updated quite a few times across the last four decades. But this is what it looks like now:

Well shit. That image is still way the fuck out of date!

Anyway, as you can see, the little white boy is practically the same kid as on my cover. But the little girl has been subtly altered. If you can't figure out what's different, I'll let Ward Kendall explain it to you in a second. But first, who is Ward Kendall and is he going to become one of the voices I begin using for this blog, joining the ranks of Cowboy Joe and Philo Sophocles? He is the author of the novel, Hold Back This Day, which tells the "chilling story about the last white people left on Earth. It is 85 years after the Unification, and mankind has been forcibly united under one government, one religion, and one race. Yet, a handful of whites still exist, among them skoolplex administrator Jeff Huxton. As he watches his son slowly destroyed by a racially homogenized world that will no longer accept his kind, Jeff comes to meet Karl Ramstrom. Ramstrom holds out one last hope for them--but only if they can escape the global-wide police state ruled by the iron-fisted leaders of World Gov. And the only place left to run is Mars." That sure does sound chilling! Anyway, this budding science fiction juggernaut left a one star review for the School Years Book which I really thought was a parody review because it's actually pretty funny! Here's Ward Kendall to let you guys know what's different about this cover versus my cover:

Propaganda Written By A PC Leftist/Liberal Multiculturalist
Amazon Review by Ward Kendall, Terrified White Person [Sorry! That was me, Tess, editorializing! I won't do that again! The rest is purely Ward's words! Except when I can't help but interject within square brackets with bold text! I also apologize for its length but it's all pure gold! I'll print it in Italics so you know where it ends if you get sick of how many times he repeats his joke. Or his serious point. It's one or the other, depending on how sane you are.]

I am the father of two children, now grown [And probably fled as fast as possible out of Ward's household.]. That said, my first thoughts upon seeing this book's cover took me back to my own childhood [Where everyone was white and happy because the darkies and mulattoes kept to their own neighborhood or we gave them the proper what-for!], as well as my own school years. First off, note the traditional "little red schoolhouse" on the cover [Hey! I noted that on my cover too! I hope that's the only thing Ward and I have in common!]. And the little boy skipping along with the same kind of lunchbox I had back in the 1960's [When you were working upon girders building high-rises?]. Finally, note the style of shirt he's wearing, which goes back even further, being commonly worn as far back as the 1950's, and, in some cases, the 1940's [And which some kids were still wearing in 1974 as you'll see when I scan in my picture from Kindergarten!]. Rarely, however, do boys in the 21st century wear that style of shirt [You obviously don't know any hipsters.]. So WHY is this book illustrated this way - depicting a childhood school scene more common to the 1950's and 1960's - but NOT today? Could it be that the author wants the potential buyer to say, "Yeah, look at that scene! Just like I remember it so long ago!" [Except for that stupid sausage dog. Couldn't the author have put a Labradoodle on the cover?!]

But wait [What?! Oh, okay! What's going on?].

Look at the cover again. If you're old enough you'll fondly remember that such a traditional scene is missing one very important element: the cute, blonde-haired little girl skipping along at the boy's side. She was ALWAYS there [Well, not on my cover. My School Years book only has a skanky brunette.] - and you, as a child, might have fantasized that she was the equally cute boy's childhood sweetheart. Or, if not that, then perhaps his sister [How about both?!], doing his sacred duty to protect her along the way. And if not these, then simply a schoolyard friend of his [Why you gotta portray the white boy as the main character?].

So why isn't that traditional blonde-haired little girl there NOW? Could it be, just maybe, that the author has deliberately deleted her very existence in order to replace it with a new existence and a new MESSAGE: that cute little, red-haired boys no longer have cute little, blonde-haired girls to grow up with - and perhaps marry [Holy shit! Ward's right! This cover is a time travel story and the little blonde girl has been erased from existence by the machinations of this dark skinned vixen from the future!].

This book's cover, obviously, is implying that TWO white children happily walking to school together is now something that is no longer to be "tolerated" [That's exactly what I thought when I saw this! I hardly thought for a second that this was just a scene of two kids with no agenda! Although when I looked at the cover of my old book and saw two white kids, I thought, "What? Minorities weren't allowed to go to school back then? And the school could only fit two children? And the bell tower was reaching critical mass? Also, what kind of disfiguring accident led to the boy losing his nose?!" Obviously that's the message on my old cover or else they would have drawn more people on it!]. Metaphorically, the cute little blonde-haired girl is dead [OH MY GOD! It's a horror story! "This winter...be prepared for the fright of your life! SCHOOL YEARS! The tale of a little dead girl that never existed and the poor white boy that had to make friends with a Filipino."]. In her stead she has been replaced - replaced with something resembling a mestizo or possibly a Cambodian or Filipino - or anyone of countless immigrant invaders of non-European ethnic stock [Why are the Europeans never invaders in the minds of guys like Ward Kendall? Somebody has some blind spots when it comes to history!]. Take your pick [I pick Cambodian!].

So there it is: just another author's below-the-radar message: that the little red-haired boy on the book's cover is to be force-fed non-white children [OH MY GOD! It's also about cannibalism!], OR he will be ruthlessly shunned ["Eat up, boy. Nobody's gonna play with you until you finish that thar plate of Mexican food. *WINK*"]. And as he grows up the message further pushes the author's stealth-bomber agenda: that the non-white girl will constitute the red-haired boy's strictly-controlled pool of friends as well as, later on, his dating choices. And when he's ready to marry? Well, his future bride is to be that little non-white girl - or one of millions just like her [How come Ward can't picture any white girls in his future dystopia simply because the one he expected is missing but he can picture millions of non-white girls that aren't depicted on the cover either?]. Because that's the final implication that the author is trying to convey. And when the first babies come forth, they'll all be non-white...[OH MY GO...wait. Was that supposed to be a scary part?]

Thus, the little blonde-haired white girl has been erased - and not by accident. You see, she and the little red-haired white boy are not intended in today's tightly-controlled propaganda machine to ever meet and marry, if this author and the millions of his comrades have their way. For once the children of the little red-haired boy and the Cambodian/Filipino/whatever little girl grow into school age, the little red-haired boy will also be erased, leaving both the boy and the girl skipping their way to school as two brown-skinned children, killing off the last vestiges of the traditional America that you and I grew up in [He has a point! The Native Americans didn't take these same precautions and look what happened to the traditional America their ancestors grew up in! Completely ruined by assholes!].

So, unless you want to expose your children to this kind of visual anti-white propaganda [Sure, why not?], you should avoid this book. Because neither your own cute little red-haired boys and cute little blonde-haired girls are wanted anymore, in this fast-disintegrating USA. As for yourself, parents, pick up a copy of "Hold Back This Day" here on amazon, if you are concerned about where this country is headed.

My favorite part of this review is how he already has the two kids on the cover married and fucking! With the world disintegrating down around their ears! And America being invaded by millions of terrifying non-white babies! I'm so frightened now! How about I change the subject and talk about Superman and Batman now? I'll get back to my Kindergarten years next commentary since I got a bit sidetracked!

But before I ponder why Batman and Superman can't keep from punching the new ladies in their lives, I have to say I probably screwed up by visiting the Amazon page for Ward Kendall's book! Now Amazon is showing me a bunch of racist propaganda that I might be interested in!

Amazon: "Hey, I saw you looking at that Fear of the Black Man book by Ward Kendall? How about another shitty book by him? No? Not interested? What about White Girl Bleeds A Lot: The Return of Racial Violence to America and How the Media Ignore It? What? No? You're seriously not into that? Well, you gotta want this book about how awesome Hitler was, right?"

Okay! For realsies this time! Getting back to the Batman and The Huntress! Here, I'll scan in a picture to get the ball rolling.

Is she really just seventeen? That means she would have been eleven or twelve when she came to New Earth. That seems quite a bit off because I found her super sexy back then and I don't believe I'm into prepubescent girls! At least I haven't been for about thirty years anyway! Perhaps Batman is just terrible at guessing the age of women from other worlds.

The Huntress decides to tell Batman the long story which basically means she lays it all out on the table. Her dad was Bruce Wayne and her mom was Selina Kyle. This causes Batman to make a mental not to have Alfred check all of the Batman condoms for flaws. She tells Batman that she's from a different Earth where her father was killed in a war against Darkseid. She doesn't yet mention that she met Damian a while back and he bought her story, so maybe Batman should buy it too.

Batman is a man of science so he takes a DNA sample from Helena which proves she's his daughter. Lucky she wasn't from Earth 3 or all of her DNA sequences would have been backwards! Which would make her Earth 3 DNA exactly like her Earth 2 DNA, right?

After Batman has proof and he's probably not going to break her nose, Helena approaches him to tell him why she finally came to visit.

This is killing me! When are they going to hug?!

Batman and Helena head off to do some investigating because that's what Detektifs do. The Huntress has an opinion but Batman says, "Keep your opinion in your girl hole, you!" The Huntress thinks Batman should trust his friend Superman and that they should contact him since who would know better than him how to control a Kryptonian gone wild? But Batman likes this comic book when it only has his Narration Boxes and Superman's stupid Narration Boxes aren't shoved into his panels, full of propaganda and words that might make Batman's words look foolish and self-serving. Fuck you, Superman! There's only room enough for one hero in this comic book! And that hero is the one with top billing! Superman disagrees with Batman and decides to make an appearance.

Superman is chastising Power Girl, not the boy or the dog.

Superman manages to get the situation under control by smashing half of a mountain over Power Girl's head. It's the Kryptonian version of slapping a hysterical woman in a 50s movie.

Superman: "Get a hold of yourself! *SMASH*"
Power Girl: "What the fucking fuck, you abusive motherfucker?! Holy Rao! Did your Earth parents teach you striking a woman was okay?"
Superman: "MA AND PA! *CRY*"

The answer would be "Fuck off and die, superdickbreath."

While Superman helps Power Girl get control of her powers, Batman and The Huntress investigate the reason for her powers going wonky. And they find it. It's related to New Gamorra and Kaizen Gamorra. Or his son. The guy that died in the men's bathroom after his date with Power Girl back on Earth 2 in the Worlds' Finest Annual. Because of the whole "guy that first made Power Girl wet" aspect of this revelation, The Huntress decides to keep it secret and goes under cover with Batman to The President's Ball on New Gamorra.

They discover that Kaizen Gamorra is somehow going to detonate Power Girl for some reason or another. Perhaps it's because she knows his man bathroom secret life. Batman tells Superman to leave her but Superman holds her as they float over the Earth, exploding over and over again. Earlier Power Girl mentioned the release of power felt like the best sneeze ever. I know what she really meant. And so did Superman which is probably why he wants to be a part of this. BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM SPPPPPUUUUURRRRT!

Batman and The Huntress Love Superman and Power Girl #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. The art is gorgeous and I felt Greg Pak got the character interactions pretty close to the mark. I still wish Bats and Supes weren't being shown as having such a huge rivalry. I guess this Reboot Universe is new enough that they're still building trust between them. But I really wouldn't mind an issue here or there which tells old stories of Clark and Bruce from Earth 2 where they're really close. Super close. One might even say "fantastically intimate" or, you know, just gay.

Batman Loves Superman's Annual #1

Steel doesn't look like he's enjoying this brutal beating too much.

I hope Batman and Superman finally consummate their relationship in this Annual. The fans have waited long enough. Time for Superman to drop those drawers, bend over, and accept the Batpenis.

We may be in luck! The issue begins with one of them French sexual positions.

Too bad it's just Mongul's French fantasy of Frenchiness. He's dreaming of this potential three way while Batman and Superman watch via the visual monitor Superman set up to spy on his prisoners in The Phantom Zone. Batman takes Superman to task for not giving Mongul a proper trial and Superman takes Batman to task for taking him to task. This causes Batman to take Superman to task for taking him to task for taking Superman to task. What happens next is a true shocker! Superman winds up taking Batman to task for taking Superman to task for taking Batman to task for taking Superman to task! But it doesn't end there! This pattern goes on for fifty or sixty years until Batman dies of old age and Superman dances on his grave.

Of course Batman is one of those assholes that insists on playing Devil's Advocate for everybody's own good.

Hey, you fucking Devil's Advocate sons of bitches! Not everybody needs you to challenge their beliefs just to make sure they've thought them through! You're being an insulting dick by assuming that you're the only one that considers anything. Knock it the fuck off, you asshole. Nobody likes you. Nobody.

Pretty soon, Mongul's son Jokey arrives with Warworld to avenge his father and punish the Earth. He encounters Superman first and asks if he's the one that defeated his father. Superman tugs at his collar, swallows hard, and says, "Well, not the only one! That Bat guy is to blame too! If you really need to destroy something to feel better, may I suggest Gotham City? Don't tell anybody I said this but it really is a pit."

Instead of grabbing Jokey by the throat and throwing him out of the solar system, Superman says, "You have two minutes to leave." Jokey checks his watch and says, "Earth minutes or Warworldian Computational Bitpoints?" Unless what Jokey actually says is, "Let's not fight on Earth because, unlike you, I don't want to hurt any humans or damage any of your buildings. But I would like to kick that Batguy's ass as well. So why don't you guys pack a lunch and meet me on Warworld tomorrow. Bring some family members along. We'll make a day of dealing death." Superman readily agrees for everyone because fuck that asshole Batman and his Batfamily and their stupid desires.

Superman and Batman are not killers. No matter what their opponent is up to, they always try to figure out a way to stop them without ending their lives. Sure, maybe Batman gets a little out of hand sometimes and nearly kills them. And maybe Superman doesn't have a problem locking them away in The Phantom Zone for eternity without a fair trial. But at least they're not breaking the letter of their ethical law! They never actually stop a heartbeat! They're pure as the driven snow and shit! Except now that they're facing Jokey, Son of Mongul, Inheritor of Warworld, they're beginning to equivocate. Superman chooses Supergirl but kind of makes sure that Wonder Woman is around so that Wonder Woman can tell Supergirl to kill if she needs to because Superman won't. And Batman heads off to bring along Red Hood because he knows Red Hood will kill if he needs to and Batman might decide to look the other way this time. So good job, Greg Pak! You really know how to make these characters shine!

Superman's second choice is Steel and Batman's second choice is Batgirl. So maybe they're second choices are actually to keep their first choices in line. That way if their first choices actually do kill Jokey, Son of Mongul, they can blame their second choices for failing to control their first choices and thus blame the killing on everybody else.

Why you gotta make Batman look like a naive jerk, Greg Pak? Batman didn't lose Jason Todd because he didn't realize the danger they were constantly in! Batman lost Jason Todd precisely because fucking Jason Todd didn't listen to Batman's warnings like this one! What a dick.

Krypto arrives to remind everybody that good things still happen, like Superboy dying. So they all buck up, ignore the fact that Superman points out how most of them are going to die on this mission but he's not going to physically stop them from coming along anyway, and head to Warworld.

And so everyone arrives at Warworld feeling slightly more Rocaforty than before. Things go a bit sideways once on board Warworld because they're having elections for the leader of Warworld and Jokey, Son of Mongul, doesn't have time to kill Batman and Superman now. Instead, Jokey teams up with Batman and Red Hood to fight for leadership of Warworld. And since Batman and Red Hood are mere humans, Supergirl decides she, Kal, and Krypto should also form a team to fight to lead Warworld. Which is probably why they're all battling on the cover.

Meanwhile, Steel and Batgirl have infiltrated Warworld's computer server room and are getting busy with a little high tech sabotage.

Surprising nobody, The Bat-Family winds up facing the Super-Family in the final round. The only problem is that the final round is a fight to the death. I'm sure they'll think of something. Although Greg Pak has already killed them in the previous Toymaker story arc, so maybe he'll do it again. Death comes easy to these heroes because it never really sticks.

Luckily Jokey, Son of Mongul, is allowed to kill. And he chooses to kill the judges of the competition. Hmm. Why don't they do this during the Superbowl? Take out the refs early and anything goes!

Chaos erupts because how can anybody ever be leader of a world where to become leader you just kill the current leader? Everybody on Warworld wants to be leader so they just keep killing each other. Superman and the others escape as Warworld plummets to the Earth with everyone on board massacring each other. Superman gently guides it into The Phantom Zone because that's becoming a really nasty habit. It's like sweeping dirt under a rug because there's a dimensional rift under the rug. Does Superman figure he can deal with all of his problems this way? And when Jokey is killed by Mongul inside The Phantom Zone, is Superman not just a little bit responsible for that? Superman even knew that Jokey was, at the end, a reasonably good guy and he still decides to confine him to an eternal prison filled with madmen and murderers.

Batman Loves Superman's Annual #1 Rating: At this point, I suspect Superman really is a threat to Humankind. If he's just going to start packing everybody he thinks is evil into The Phantom Zone on his own say so, then he's become the despotic madman that Batman has always feared. He is the dictator that does whatever he thinks is right to secure he peace. He's become Darth Vader!

Batman Loves Superman #4

Time once again for "Guess Which Batman Superman is talking to!" Secondary game: "Guess Which Superman is talking to Batman!"

People seem to be having a hard time identifying which Earth's hero is speaking from panel to panel in this comic book. It can sometimes be quite confusing. But since I already spend way too much time reading a single comic book, rereading passages and poring over every minute detail in every panel, I hardly noticed the extra time I was spending figuring out which Earth any particular character was currently from. I'm easily confused reading the simplest comic books anyway! So rereading passages until my brain can figure out what the fuck I just read is my natural state. Apparently this comic book was made to simulate to other people how confused I can be reading run of the mill shit.

I was just glancing at the cover again and what the fuck has Batman grappled to swing across the skies carrying Catwoman? Is he hooked into a passing airplane? Maybe the moon? Perhaps Alfred constantly flies just off-panel in the Batcopter so that Batman can swing around like an idiot.

When we last saw these confusing heroes, they were trying to save the world either from itself and the military's new death crystal or from an intergalactic despot named Darkseid. I don't think they had decided whether or not the world needed the new death crystal to combat Darkseid. I suppose since Darkseid eventually kills Earth 2's Wonders, they make the wrong decision later in this comic book.

Having Earth Two Slade Wilson fire up the super secret death machine doesn't clear up the ambiguous nature of it!

Earth 2 Batman and Earth 2 Superman are obviously more skilled and have more experience using their powers than their Earth Prime counterparts. But they really need to work on their one-liners. Earth 2 Batman acts before Earth Prime Batman can do anything, so he says, "I don't think I'd started inuring myself to pufferfish paralysis toxin at your age." Really? That's what you come up with to tell Earth Prime Batman that his reflexes are shit? I thought the comic book was missing some panels and, once again, had to reread this page a couple of times before I realized he was laying down an insult! The end result of Earth 2 Batman and Earth 2 Superman doing all the work is Earth Prime Batman and Earth Prime Superman hating them.

I guess with good reason! Umm, that's the Earth 2 guys taking out the Earth Prime guys because why waste time convincing them that your way is the right way when you can just knock them unconscious, you know?

Earth 2 Superman's argument for destroying the crystal is that it "can literally do anything." Actually, according to Earth 2 Bruce, it only "magnifies energy" and I know I'm just an idiot with an Oreo fetish but I don't think that literally means it can literally do anything! I think that literally means it magnifies energy! Of course, Superman isn't the smartest guy. He's spent most of his time thinking up excuses to tell Lois why Clark disappeared while trying to get a dangerous story. The rest of his time has been spent winking at a non-existent camera whenever he tells Lois one of those excuses. So I can see how he would be confused by the phrase "magnifies energy."

Meanwhile, Catwoman is flying around in the Batplane flirting with Lois and Wonder Woman is wrestling with Kaiyo. This part is even more confusing than the rest of the comic book because it's full of women not reacting to men. How do they know what to do? It's a good thing Lois Lane is in the scene because she's practically a man with her self-reliance and independence and her ability to fire missiles at a threat without caring who might be hurt. Wonder Woman also acts like a man when she complains that Kaiyo isn't willing to fight fair which, when men say that, always means "Stop having the advantage and fight in a way that gives me the advantage." And Catwoman is showing an inordinate amount of interest in some women on women sexual action, so that's totally manlike. It's almost as if female characters can just be, you know, characters! I suppose I can handle this craziness for one page but if they don't get back to reacting to the males soon, I'm going to have to declare pandering.

Getting back to the sensible action, Earth Prime Batman and Earth Prime Superman have a rebuttal against being knocked out: to not be knocked out at all!

Earth 2 Batman's insult is beginning to look more like really good detective work.

Earth Prime Batman and Earth Prime Superman touch the crystal and their dreams literally come true. So the crystal does literally do anything it literally does. Literally. Greg Pak likes to use the word literally. It makes everything truthier. But that also means Earth 2 Batman was lying when he said the crystal "magnifies energy." I suppose one could argue that he was simply bending the truth because the crystal does "magnify" the "energy" of Superman's wishes that his parents were alive which causes their zombie selves to appear. And Batman believes he's a real scary Bat-Man, so he becomes all batty. So the young heroes learn a lesson about listening to old heroes although they'll never learn the lesson because fuck listening to old people. What do they know? Experience? Pshaw!

While all the magic chaos goes down and somebody calls Batman "Wayne" right in the middle of a bunch of soldiers, Slade Wilson gets back up and climbs into his super death weapon chair and fires it right into Earth 2 Superman's back.

Stop using your secret identity names, dumb dumbs!

In the ensuing battle, Earth Prime Superman learns to fly by just believing he can (without any fairy dust even), Earth 2 Superman destroys the Deadliest Weapon by turning its blasts back on itself, and Lois Lane and Catwoman are saved by the men. Whew. I was getting worried that the women might save themselves! Talk about dogs and cats living together!

It all ends sort of happily ever after even though Wonder Woman didn't get to kill anybody.

Kaiyo is a poor judge of contests. It's as if she already knows how things will turn out.

Kaiyo then returns everybody to their respective homes but without the memories of Batman Loves Superman Issues One through Four. Hopefully Superman will at least remember he can stop leaping tall buildings and just fly on by.

The issue ends with Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne back in Gotham to check up on the bullied kid who beats the bloody snot out of the bully and becomes best friends with Kaiyo. Probably. Or something. Anyway, there is this:

I'm going to pretend Bruce isn't joking.

Batman Loves Superman #4 Rating: No change. Once again, I enjoyed the book. I think it's been a fun title so far and it'll be interesting see where it goes from here. And even though it was apparent it would have to happen, I'm not a big fan of "here's a story but everybody forgets at the end" kind of plots. Hopefully they'll be allowed to remember this encounter in the future once they're confronted by Kaiyo again.

Batman Loves Superman #3

Clark: "I hate Darkseid so much it makes me shit!"

Last issue ended with Earth Two Wonder Woman stabbing Lois Lane in the face with her magic spear which she probably also stole from Bellerophon. I suspect this because she also has his Pegasus. Lois was stabbed because Kaiyo the Trickster from Apokolips was possessing her body. Also, because Lois Lane was looking way cuter than Wonder Woman.

The issue begins being narrated by Kaiyo the Trickster who has found herself tied up in Wonder Woman's magic lasso. I'm not sure if its Truthiness completely works on a New God but it must have some slight effect in that Kaiyo feels the need to project an image of Darkseid for everybody to see and fear. And then it's time to fuck with everybody and sow some seeds of discord.

Oh! Kaiyo is named Kaiyo after Coyote the Trickster God! I betcha!

After many, many years of being best friends, it only takes one random comment from a strange New God for the Superman of Earth Two to believe that Batman is a paranoid bastard that has the means to kill Superman if it comes to that. Not that Kaiyo was wrong! I just find Superman's lack of faith disturbing. That's your best buddy! Although I am just going by his first reaction of "Dammit, Bruce" and "still surprising me" and those are obviously not really that damning. Just one friend being annoyed by another. Yet again!

The knowledge that Bruce was keeping a deadly secret from him sends Clark into a reverie about his younger days when he first met Alfred Pennyworth. Oh, and Bruce!

Forget the kids. "Hey Alfred! You aren't going to fix a flat tire by looking under the hood!"

Here's the part I hate most about writing stupid jokes on the internet. I now feel I have to explain that caption to that photo and point out that it was a joke! I get that Alfred is probably killing time and looking busy so that Master Bruce will spend more time with another kid his age. Okay? So you can all stop trying to be smarter than me and just read my stupid fucking jokes already! Fuckers bitching about hospice and in hospice and what means what. Fucking Jesus! Fine! I fixed what I said to exactly quote Superman so it makes more sense for people that don't read the tiny print!

Okay, now that I'm done speaking directly to exactly one Follower (and being a major dick about it! Man, I'm an asshole. And a dick! Ooh! Is that what makes me so sexy?), let's get back to Batman of Earth Two Loves Superman of Earth Two #1 (which is the alternate title to Batman Loves Superman #3).

What does Bruce do, Clark? He kicks motherfucking ass, that's what!

I like how this scene is a call back to the first meeting of Bruce and Clark, and their attitudes to violence, in Batman Loves Superman #1.

If I'm not careful, I'm going to scan every page of this remembrance. I'm such a sucker for flashbacks to heroes as children.

I also like how Bruce rolls up his sleeve to begin the fight and Pa Kent makes a point of stopping his boy. And then fucking Alfred with the "Bruce has to learn to handle himself" when Bruce actually begins the brawl! I know it's not two kids fighting in anger. Bruce just wants his turn to show off his little kid skills. And Alfred's pretty fucking proud of those skills too. "Hey, Farmer Joe! Watch my kid beat the snot out of your little turd!"

Back to the present and back at the farm, Superman finds the crystal that Superman knocked out of Batman's hands. It's not Kryptonite but some other form of crystal not found on Earth. But Superman locates the source: a government bunker studying and protecting this strange material.

Who stops the Bat? This is DC Comics, kid. Nobody fucking stops the Bat.

These comic books should stop doing flashbacks during the story because now I'm not interested in the present! I just want to get back to the kids playing in the field and Alfred trying to figure out if this farmer is gay or not and whether they'll be making a lot more trips back to Smallville.

Just to clarify, I don't think Earth Prime Alfred is gay. But I do hope Earth Two Alfred is gay. And I'm almost positive Earth Three Alfred is gay because DC made him a bad guy.

Just what Young Master Bruce always wanted: some wide-eyed yokel to admire him! I mean, a friend!

Alfred and Bruce wind up staying for dinner and late into the evening.

But Alfred! You just met him! And you sat by his wife over dinner!

Is "Bruce" Alfred's name for his penis? ... Oh! Fuck. Master Bruce! Yeah, I already pointed this out earlier. Man, that was confusing!

Of course, The Littlest Detective figures out that Clark is crazy strong and they become best friends forever. But that's enough of the cute stuff. It's time to get back to the present where adult friends punch each other in the throat for fun.

Batman and Batman attack Superman and Superman but not because they want to hurt them! They just do it because it's hard to yell "Stop! Wait! The military have weapons that can kill you!" when the person you're yelling at can travel faster than the speed of sound. So they have a bit of a tussle to keep the Supermen from walking into a death trap created by the United States Government. And because of all this chaos, Earth Prime Superman and Earth Prime Batman now each know the secret identity of the other.

Team Earth Two decides they need to destroy the military weapon but Team Earth Prime aren't so sure they want to work together. That's when Kaiyo returns to inform them all that the weapon they want to destroy is the only weapon that can save the world and defeat the monster, Darkseid, that Kaiyo showed them earlier.

Batman Loves Superman #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It looks like Kaiyo has fled Apokolips and Darkseid eventually comes to Earth Two in search of Kaiyo. And Kaiyo is fucking with these Batmen and Supermen in an attempt to get them to use the Mega-Weapon to kill Darkseid when he comes so that Kaiyo can remain free. But we all pretty much know how that turns out, don't we?

Batman Loves Superman #2

Sometimes super heroes fight each other. Sometimes super heroes fight themselves.

At times writing these commentaries, I feel like a midwife that has hung around a bit too long. My righteous anger and withering indignation was desperately needed during the formative years when DC wasn't totally sure what they were doing and Scott Lobdell was writing four different titles. But as the quality of the books steadily improves, I have less and less to be angry about and it gets harder and harder to find things to rant about. Writing commentaries on comic books I'm actually enjoying isn't much fun. For anybody!

Me!: "Scott Snyder didn't have a good handle on Swamp Thing but Charles Soule can handle my 'swamp thing' any day of the week! Except for Wednesdays because that's when Solomon Grundy gets me to himself. Isn't that how the poem goes? 'Solomon Grundy, anilingus on Wednesday'? I mean, Charles could join us if he wants because he's fucking rocking the swamp socks off Swamp Thing! So good. Did I mention it was good? Loving how good it is. Really good. It might be the best writing I've ever read when compared to Scott Lobdell. Although I think there are only two tiers of writing. Scott Lobdell's writing and everything else as the best writing when compared to Scott Lobdell."

Hmm. That actually entertained me! Maybe I can do decent commentaries about books I enjoy reading! Tinkerbell, come spray some of your twinkling pee on me because I'm ready to fucking fly!

Last issue of Batman Trying Desperately Not to Shank Superman, the two heroes had been BOOOM tubed to an alternate reality where Pa Kent was still alive and Superman and Batman were already best pals. They became best friends in this alternate reality because Jimmy Olsen was stillborn so Clark needed a best friend. And Batman's heart hadn't withered to a tiny, rock-hard little peach pit, so he had room for a friend in his life. They met at an Overeater's Anonymous meeting because they were looking for Green Lantern who had once mentioned he worked at some place called OA. They didn't realize that the Green Lantern they met was from an alternate universe as well since their alternate universe won't have a Green Lantern until they're dead and he won't have anything to do with OA. Unless that's a shorthand in personals columns for "ORAL/ANAL".

Superman was BOOOOOOM Tubed into a field in Smallville last issue. This issue begins with Batman appearing at Earth 2's Wayne Manor where he's got a nasty albeit sexy surprise in store for him. Why didn't I just use "although"? Maybe I'm being unduly influenced by Earth 2's stupidities. I'm using "stupidities" here as a judgmental term for "differences" because I have Earth Prime Pride, bitches! Fuck y'all over there on Earth 2! Subhumans!

Alfred has a night off? Earth Two is weird.

Batman, being a detective, quickly realizes he's in an alternate reality when he sees a wedding photo of Bruce and Selina after Catwoman calls him husband but mostly because of Alfred taking a night off. Who is Alfred hanging out with? He has friends on Earth Two? Is he dating somebody?

Back in Smallville, Superman might be discovering the same thing as Pa Kent approaches him. "But Pa Kent is dead...at least in my world!" That was a play on the way Batman made his realization at the end of the last scene. Who thinks like that? "This is all very strange and different so it must not be MY WORLD!" I'm going to begin pretending I'm a comic book character and react to all of my future encounters in comic book style. How long before I'm thrown in a mental ward, diagnosed with Schizophrenia and delusions of superherodom?

Although I found Batman's reaction to his Catwife strange, I find Superman's reaction to his father even stranger.

Pa Kent didn't die in hospice! He died at home! Where you took him, Clark! You can't even remember the death of your father correctly!

Superman isn't a detective so he doesn't think in terms of "alternate realities" and "not my worlds" and other stuff master detectives would quickly realize is the only improbable possibility after having ruled out all of the other possibilities. But Earth Two Batman begins to suspect he knows what's going on (because he's a detective too!) so The Trickster, Kaiyo, BOOOM Tubes him away. Perhaps she'll send him back to the Batcave so he can see his wife cheating on him with himself.

Oh, and Pa and Ma Kent weren't too thrilled by this "superman" beating the living shit out of his best friend. Pa realizes this isn't his boy at all! He's a monster from another world. Which he totally is. And then the monster from this world appears to defend his parents! Earth Prime Superman is in big trouble because he's probably still weak from the Kryptonite and if Earth Two Superman simply sees another person in Kryptonian Lingerie, he probably won't be pulling any punches.

Back at the Batcave, Batman does arrive to find Batman has his wife tied to a chair.

It's almost like a Batman on Batman sex tape.

But before he discovers the tryst, he also manages to see the incorporeal being that is behind it all. And he's deduced that these doubles might be from a different world as well. The fucking Batmen are so fucking smart. Although Earth Two Batman may have already traveled to another world in his career. He may be quite familiar with Earth Six or something. Maybe it was his traveling between Earths that piqued Darkseid's interests.

Batman's Reverse Dragon Punch (which he learned from a fifty's restaurant owner that forced him to give his dragons Brazilians) is easily countered by Batman. But since Batman (and the old Japanese man) were the only people in the world to know the Reverse Dragon Punch, Batman (and Batman!) begins suspecting some weird shenanigans. He tries out a few other moves that only he knows, like Flaccid Knobbed Bunny Kick and Kitten Fight Monkey Truck. But Batman is able to block those moves as well! It's a mystery to discover and these are the detectives to discover it! Once they realize they know all the same moves, Batman asks Batman a question only Batman can answer: At what age did we begin masturbating? And when Batman knows the answer, they call a truce.

Why doesn't anybody vote clones? Oh yeah. Because this isn't Marvel.

Back at the farm, I'm realizing I'm not a big fan of Earth Two Superman and his holier than thou folks. Not using curse words should not automatically equate to home cookin' and down to earth values. There's a certain point where social etiquette and traditional manners simply become overbearing rules for rules sake and do not express the quality of the person. Actually, Clark's folks seem okay to me in that they tsk tsk both Supermen for their behaviour. But this following panel kind of pisses me off.

"I were raised to not make use of them bad words but if'n you yell at my face, yous gonna gets it!"

I'm really trying my hardest to fill my commentary with some sort of righteous indignation but I just can't do it. I actually like this moment. Especially since, from Superman's position in that last panel, it looks like Superman may have just put his hand up to keep Superman from getting too close. And because Superman is still very weak from Batman's Kryptonite, he ends up knocked on his ass. And I don't think it's so much as using bad language as the language Superman chooses to use. Saying "hell" might be a bit of a blasphemy on the Kents' land. And then when he's about to call Superman a "son of a bitch," well, now you're attacking Ma and Ma ain't too fucking happy about that one. Especially since Superman is basically calling his own dead mother a bitch in the same sentence!

And leave it to Ma to work out the trouble between what is essentially a pair of siblings.

Now I wish my parents were dead so I could experience a hug from my mother from another world!

I don't know why it just hit me that Superman and Batman have both lost their parents to tragic events now. I've been so used to The Kents being alive for nearly all of my comic book reading that I just haven't given it much thought that Superman and Batman now have this connection, thanks to Mr. Mxyzptlk. I mean Vyndktvx! Oh, they're probably the same person anyway, stupid fifth dimensional beings. I find it hard to believe that Ma and Pa Kent were even allowed to die in The Silver Age! I suppose they had to die at some point in the Superboy comic book since they were always dead in Superman's adult life. But I wasn't reading DC until Crisis on Infinite Earths, so Ma and Pa Kent were pretty much resurrected for the time I was reading.

I couldn't remember in what wacky way the Kents died in the Silver Age (I just remembered it was wacky!), so I asked Lord Google about it. When I did, I found a forum with fanboys (one in particular. Isn't that always the way? The worst are full of passionate intensity, amirite?) picking apart Morrison's portrayal of Pa Kent's death as being plagiarized from Spiderman's origin with the death of Uncle Ben. First off, those idiots need to know more history than the shallow fucking shit they can interpret with their scrawny little fish brains. If you're going to blame anybody for ripping off Spiderman (and I'm not agreeing at all that Pa's death scene is a ripoff of Spiderman! Just going with it for now!), don't blame Morrison. Blame whoever wrote the Superboy story where the Kents die of some tropical disease since Morrison basically revamped Pa's death in that for The New 52 story. Instead of making sarcastic remarks that every DC story is stolen from Marvel, actually debate the point logically and provide examples!

One of the things I liked about Pa's death in Morrison's run was how Superman actually had the option to bring his parents back to life. He had one last wish which he could have used to return everything to "the way it should have been." But he's grown and he's mourned and he has not based his life around their death and his inability to save them. It happened and he was sad and he wished he could have saved them with his powers but he can't save everyone. It's a lesson Superman needs to learn with his heart and not just know with his penis brain. He chooses to save a young boy he promised to save and couldn't within the Vyndktvx strange ass time frame. It changes less and it lets Superman keep a promise he desperately needed to keep. The difference with Spiderman is that he had the opportunity to stop the thief that killed his Uncle at a later time. He had powers and he had a moment and he shrugged it off as not his problem. That situation can fuck with your head. Peter Parker should have serious issues about guilt when he is, because of his great powers, greatly responsible for his Uncle's death. Not directly, of course! But through his general apathy, he learns a huge fucking lesson. Superman doesn't have any of that baggage about his father's death. Although they did die because Superman makes an enemy that he never actually knows about until defeating him upon first meeting him! But that gets into some really weird metaphysical time-traveling alternate dimensional weirdnesses that nobody can fault Superman for! Maybe Morrison. But not Superman!

If that last paragraph was too convoluted and confusing, blame it on Mr. Mxyzptlk. He probably changed it or something because I assure you it was coherent when I wrote it.

I think I was saying something about Batman and Superman having something in common besides a fat cock. Although Alfred has to take care of Bruce's since he grew up in the city. At least Clark has the knowledge needed to raise chickens himself.

Back to the comic book, everyone has stopped fighting. The Batmen take a tour of Gotham where Batman gets to see firsthand Gotham's cryo-prison where horrible monsters like The Joker and Aquawoman are locked up for good.

And the new Arkham Asylum with its insane roller coasters and crazy games.

Meanwhile Superman flies to Metropolis with Superman leap-frogging along beside him. I suppose Superman eventually learns to fly once he's soaked up enough solar radiation. Or maybe he needs to fix an inner ear problem. They're in the big city so that Clark can meet Clark's wife, Lois Lane. They also meet up with Wonder Woman.

Who promptly pins Lois to the ground with her spear.

That's because Lois is currently possessed by The Trickster! Darn. I thought there was going to be some drama between Clark's wife and his mistress.

Batman Loves Superman #2 Rating: +4 Ranking. This book is a top-notch comic book. I am happy.