Action Comics #21

Why does Superman need a belt?

Last issue, Dr. Veritas was proving how smart she was. Why does DC allow Scott Lobdell to create anything that's going to become canon? The whole New 52 is going to become tainted by Scott Lobdell's stupid creations. He actually made Dr. Veritas an OMNIOLOGIST! Seriously, he needed to create somebody that was obviously super smart and could invent anything she needs, so he made her a scientist of everything! And he named her Doctor Truth! Not only that, at one point he mentions that she has even invented things that she doesn't understand! Oh, fuck you, Scott Lobdell. Explain to me what that means! If you can explain to me how she does that and in what way the invention manifests, I'll buy you a beer and give you a hand job the next time you're in Portland. Does she just put some machine together and turn it on and go, "Oh look! It's making biscuits! I have no idea how it works!" Or does she create a machine which does something that she can't explain and points at it when people enter the room and go, "I made that." Meanwhile nobody knows what the fuck the machine is doing.

I know I don't know Scott Lobdell personally. I'm sure he's a fantastic guy to have a drink with and talk super heroes with. I met him one time and I didn't tell him that I spend my free time telling strangers on the internet how much he sucks. But when the funniest thing he's written all year was when he signed my Big Book of New 52 #1s, I can't help but look down on him as a writer.

Gail Simone had signed my book first. Then Lobdell signed and added the rest. I admit I showed this to Gail Simone's husband hoping to start a fist fight.

Scott Lobdell's name isn't even on the cover of this comic book and I'm bitching about him! I have a serious psychological problem. I've even had two beers and am working on a box of cookies so that I can cope with the back-up story in this comic book.

Last issue ended with the Poop Octopus formed by virus-infected citizens of Metropolis pulling Superman into the sewers of Metropolis. Luckily (according to DC Comics Presents #8) Metropolis has manhole access to the sewers every six feet. But Lois and Jimmy don't need manhole access because they're just jumping right into the hole created by the Poop Octopus. Forget danger! Lois Lane is going to get this fucking story even if it kills Jimmy Olsen!

Three pages in and Tony S. Daniel has yet to draw a two page spread! He's really showing restraint!

Anyway (I'm so clever with my segues!), Superman remembers that Dr. Smartyjunk said the Hybrid needs oxygen to survive. Is this creature called The Hybrid for a reason? Is this Andy Diggle's critique on the Hybrid Car market? What's he saying? It's a fad that's turning everybody into zombies but it's going to end up killing everybody? And the only way to stop it is to have an Übermensch save everybody and set them on the right track to using cars that guzzle fossil fuels? Or maybe Diggle isn't saying people should go back to gasoline powered cars but that Hybrid cars are more of a temporary stop-gap than a solution and that, in fact, they're more dangerous in that they seem to offer a solution while they're really just ruining the environment in a different way and slower. So while they may be better, they're not where we should stop and it's dangerous to present them as the solution? Is that what he's trying to say? Am I following the story correctly?

Once Superman submerges the Poop Octopus beneath the waters in the sewers of Metropolis, it begins to transform back into the citizens from which it was composed. Superman leaves the citizens to drown while he goes to save Lois whom he hears screaming for help.

Fact: Metropolis has the deepest sewers in the world.

Superman believes that Lois is a hallucination because he hallucinated Jimmy Olsen in Issue #19. That was a really stupid moment that was probably forced on the writers by editorial. I think I know why Scott Lobdell likes writing comic books! Especially New 52 comic books at DC! Because the editors simply tell the writers what to write and then the writer either writes what they're told or walks off the book! I don't know if this is the real Lois or not. She's cute enough to be the real Lois. So thumbs up to Tony S. Daniel for drawing a Lois I can be attracted to. Although he probably could have made her far less attractive and I still would have been attracted to her if she simply showed some interest in me.

Dr. Smartyjunk appears as a hologram right in Superman's face to help him defeat The Hybrid. Superman isn't smart enough to deal with this science junk so he needs the second smartest person on Earth Prime to help him (Doctor Smartyjunk! Sheesh. Pay attention!). Lex Luthor is the smartest person on Earth Prime. Mister Terrific was the third smartest but he's not on Earth Prime anymore, so I think now Bruce Wayne is the third smartest person on Earth Prime. The fourth smartest person on Earth Prime is The Chief (the Doom Patrol guy!). The fifth smartest person on Earth is Emperor Blackgate, Ogilvy, because he's smart enough to not be too smart which makes him really super smart for some reason. I'm not sure where to put Harvest because he doesn't really count being that he's not on any census records.

And then Lex Luthor appears as Tony S. Daniel blows his load all over my eager face!

Oh! Oh! The double page spread goodness! Mmmm! Mmmm!

Lex and Superman battle in the sewers for awhile while the Poop Octopus's victims change back into normal people and run for the surface. Once again, Metropolis is lucky to have all of those manholes. Lois stays back to film the fight between Lex and Superman on her phone. I'm not sure why she's been dragging Jimmy Olsen around with her if he doesn't have a fucking camera! Why the hell is the reporter getting the footage on a shitty phone? Come on, Jimmy! Get with it! Stop being a misogynistic slacking dickface! Pull your weight!

Lex can't help but pull the super villain routine and inform Superman that he created the virus. That's pretty stupid considering his whole plan revolves around people believing that Superman is the cause of the virus. For being the smartest person in the DCnU, he's very bald. Also, he's not as smart as he thinks if he thinks exposing his plans to the enemy is the way to win through in the end. Lois captures the confession on her phone but then she drops it in the shitty sewer water. That's why Jimmy should be taking video! He's more experienced at holding firmly on to things with one hand!

That was a masturbation joke. I felt I should explain it for my more naive readers.

Superman has been exposed to Dr. Smartyjunk's red sun light long enough that he can no longer fly on his own. I'm pretty sure that means he's lost the majority of his powers. What he does next is steal Luthor's rocket pack so that he can fly out of Earth's gravity and directly into the sun. I guess not being able to shoot lasers out of his eyes or fly on his own has no bearing on whether or not he still retains his invulnerability because he seems okay escaping Earth's gravity without any protection. Of course, he was probably powered up just enough by the quick contact with sunlight after escaping the sewers. What's really unbelievable is that Lex Luthor's rocket pack has enough power to break out of Earth's gravity! And not only that, the rocket pack gets Superman to the sun in record time. Every school kid knows it takes light eight minutes to go from the sun to the Earth. Let's say Luthor's rocket pack allows travel at a quarter of the speed of light (I feel generous!). That means that it takes Superman 32 minutes to get to the sun. Unless I did the math wrong. It's very possible I did the math wrong. Anyway, Superman is probably gone for at least 40 minutes if I assume Superman can return to Earth at the speed of light!

Allowing just enough time for that fat ass Lex Luthor to crawl from the sewers.

Superman knocks out Lex so Lex can be arrested and then flies away so he can't be arrested. Why would Superman be arrested? I guess because he punched Lex Luthor. Why would Lex Luthor be arrested? I guess because he's wearing weird armor. The Metropolis Police are dumb dumbs. I guess since they couldn't find the Poop Octopus, they had to arrest somebody. Although Lois does end up with proof that Lex was behind it all after Clark Kent turns up with her phone. I guess Clark enjoys digging through sewers.

The back-up story is not by Scott Lobdell but it continues the story he began on Krypton. That means I drank beer and ate cookies for no reason except the sheer satisfaction of doing so! I don't know why it isn't by Scott Lobdell. Did DC finally realize he writes as well as a bucket full of turds? I mean an anthropomorphic bucket of turds, of course.

I'm so not interested in the back-up story. Superman's mother Lara goes AWOL when the military decides that Krypton should be a military superpower rather than a world dedicated to science. I don't know why this makes sense. Who are the military going to battle? Isn't the planet unified? It's not like Kryptonians can leave Krypton to conquer other planets. I just don't fucking get it. I guess the military just want to rule for the sake of ruling because fuck science?

Meanwhile near the sunken ruins of the Kryptonian Atlantis (a place called Xan), Jor-El is being arrested underwater. Because he's all about science and science is for fucking Communists!

And because the back-up story was stupid and two pages short, I get to pay extra for two pages of badly edited adverts for upcoming books! Yay DC! You're the bestest!

The the the the the the what?!

Action Comics #21 Rating: -4 Ranking. I fucking hate where this comic book is headed. I guess DC didn't have enough bad Superman comic books. Fuck me, I hope Superman Unchained is worth reading.