Action Comics #21

Why does Superman need a belt?

Last issue, Dr. Veritas was proving how smart she was. Why does DC allow Scott Lobdell to create anything that's going to become canon? The whole New 52 is going to become tainted by Scott Lobdell's stupid creations. He actually made Dr. Veritas an OMNIOLOGIST! Seriously, he needed to create somebody that was obviously super smart and could invent anything she needs, so he made her a scientist of everything! And he named her Doctor Truth! Not only that, at one point he mentions that she has even invented things that she doesn't understand! Oh, fuck you, Scott Lobdell. Explain to me what that means! If you can explain to me how she does that and in what way the invention manifests, I'll buy you a beer and give you a hand job the next time you're in Portland. Does she just put some machine together and turn it on and go, "Oh look! It's making biscuits! I have no idea how it works!" Or does she create a machine which does something that she can't explain and points at it when people enter the room and go, "I made that." Meanwhile nobody knows what the fuck the machine is doing.

I know I don't know Scott Lobdell personally. I'm sure he's a fantastic guy to have a drink with and talk super heroes with. I met him one time and I didn't tell him that I spend my free time telling strangers on the internet how much he sucks. But when the funniest thing he's written all year was when he signed my Big Book of New 52 #1s, I can't help but look down on him as a writer.

Gail Simone had signed my book first. Then Lobdell signed and added the rest. I admit I showed this to Gail Simone's husband hoping to start a fist fight.

Scott Lobdell's name isn't even on the cover of this comic book and I'm bitching about him! I have a serious psychological problem. I've even had two beers and am working on a box of cookies so that I can cope with the back-up story in this comic book.

Last issue ended with the Poop Octopus formed by virus-infected citizens of Metropolis pulling Superman into the sewers of Metropolis. Luckily (according to DC Comics Presents #8) Metropolis has manhole access to the sewers every six feet. But Lois and Jimmy don't need manhole access because they're just jumping right into the hole created by the Poop Octopus. Forget danger! Lois Lane is going to get this fucking story even if it kills Jimmy Olsen!

Three pages in and Tony S. Daniel has yet to draw a two page spread! He's really showing restraint!

Anyway (I'm so clever with my segues!), Superman remembers that Dr. Smartyjunk said the Hybrid needs oxygen to survive. Is this creature called The Hybrid for a reason? Is this Andy Diggle's critique on the Hybrid Car market? What's he saying? It's a fad that's turning everybody into zombies but it's going to end up killing everybody? And the only way to stop it is to have an Übermensch save everybody and set them on the right track to using cars that guzzle fossil fuels? Or maybe Diggle isn't saying people should go back to gasoline powered cars but that Hybrid cars are more of a temporary stop-gap than a solution and that, in fact, they're more dangerous in that they seem to offer a solution while they're really just ruining the environment in a different way and slower. So while they may be better, they're not where we should stop and it's dangerous to present them as the solution? Is that what he's trying to say? Am I following the story correctly?

Once Superman submerges the Poop Octopus beneath the waters in the sewers of Metropolis, it begins to transform back into the citizens from which it was composed. Superman leaves the citizens to drown while he goes to save Lois whom he hears screaming for help.

Fact: Metropolis has the deepest sewers in the world.

Superman believes that Lois is a hallucination because he hallucinated Jimmy Olsen in Issue #19. That was a really stupid moment that was probably forced on the writers by editorial. I think I know why Scott Lobdell likes writing comic books! Especially New 52 comic books at DC! Because the editors simply tell the writers what to write and then the writer either writes what they're told or walks off the book! I don't know if this is the real Lois or not. She's cute enough to be the real Lois. So thumbs up to Tony S. Daniel for drawing a Lois I can be attracted to. Although he probably could have made her far less attractive and I still would have been attracted to her if she simply showed some interest in me.

Dr. Smartyjunk appears as a hologram right in Superman's face to help him defeat The Hybrid. Superman isn't smart enough to deal with this science junk so he needs the second smartest person on Earth Prime to help him (Doctor Smartyjunk! Sheesh. Pay attention!). Lex Luthor is the smartest person on Earth Prime. Mister Terrific was the third smartest but he's not on Earth Prime anymore, so I think now Bruce Wayne is the third smartest person on Earth Prime. The fourth smartest person on Earth Prime is The Chief (the Doom Patrol guy!). The fifth smartest person on Earth is Emperor Blackgate, Ogilvy, because he's smart enough to not be too smart which makes him really super smart for some reason. I'm not sure where to put Harvest because he doesn't really count being that he's not on any census records.

And then Lex Luthor appears as Tony S. Daniel blows his load all over my eager face!

Oh! Oh! The double page spread goodness! Mmmm! Mmmm!

Lex and Superman battle in the sewers for awhile while the Poop Octopus's victims change back into normal people and run for the surface. Once again, Metropolis is lucky to have all of those manholes. Lois stays back to film the fight between Lex and Superman on her phone. I'm not sure why she's been dragging Jimmy Olsen around with her if he doesn't have a fucking camera! Why the hell is the reporter getting the footage on a shitty phone? Come on, Jimmy! Get with it! Stop being a misogynistic slacking dickface! Pull your weight!

Lex can't help but pull the super villain routine and inform Superman that he created the virus. That's pretty stupid considering his whole plan revolves around people believing that Superman is the cause of the virus. For being the smartest person in the DCnU, he's very bald. Also, he's not as smart as he thinks if he thinks exposing his plans to the enemy is the way to win through in the end. Lois captures the confession on her phone but then she drops it in the shitty sewer water. That's why Jimmy should be taking video! He's more experienced at holding firmly on to things with one hand!

That was a masturbation joke. I felt I should explain it for my more naive readers.

Superman has been exposed to Dr. Smartyjunk's red sun light long enough that he can no longer fly on his own. I'm pretty sure that means he's lost the majority of his powers. What he does next is steal Luthor's rocket pack so that he can fly out of Earth's gravity and directly into the sun. I guess not being able to shoot lasers out of his eyes or fly on his own has no bearing on whether or not he still retains his invulnerability because he seems okay escaping Earth's gravity without any protection. Of course, he was probably powered up just enough by the quick contact with sunlight after escaping the sewers. What's really unbelievable is that Lex Luthor's rocket pack has enough power to break out of Earth's gravity! And not only that, the rocket pack gets Superman to the sun in record time. Every school kid knows it takes light eight minutes to go from the sun to the Earth. Let's say Luthor's rocket pack allows travel at a quarter of the speed of light (I feel generous!). That means that it takes Superman 32 minutes to get to the sun. Unless I did the math wrong. It's very possible I did the math wrong. Anyway, Superman is probably gone for at least 40 minutes if I assume Superman can return to Earth at the speed of light!

Allowing just enough time for that fat ass Lex Luthor to crawl from the sewers.

Superman knocks out Lex so Lex can be arrested and then flies away so he can't be arrested. Why would Superman be arrested? I guess because he punched Lex Luthor. Why would Lex Luthor be arrested? I guess because he's wearing weird armor. The Metropolis Police are dumb dumbs. I guess since they couldn't find the Poop Octopus, they had to arrest somebody. Although Lois does end up with proof that Lex was behind it all after Clark Kent turns up with her phone. I guess Clark enjoys digging through sewers.

The back-up story is not by Scott Lobdell but it continues the story he began on Krypton. That means I drank beer and ate cookies for no reason except the sheer satisfaction of doing so! I don't know why it isn't by Scott Lobdell. Did DC finally realize he writes as well as a bucket full of turds? I mean an anthropomorphic bucket of turds, of course.

I'm so not interested in the back-up story. Superman's mother Lara goes AWOL when the military decides that Krypton should be a military superpower rather than a world dedicated to science. I don't know why this makes sense. Who are the military going to battle? Isn't the planet unified? It's not like Kryptonians can leave Krypton to conquer other planets. I just don't fucking get it. I guess the military just want to rule for the sake of ruling because fuck science?

Meanwhile near the sunken ruins of the Kryptonian Atlantis (a place called Xan), Jor-El is being arrested underwater. Because he's all about science and science is for fucking Communists!

And because the back-up story was stupid and two pages short, I get to pay extra for two pages of badly edited adverts for upcoming books! Yay DC! You're the bestest!

The the the the the the what?!

Action Comics #21 Rating: -4 Ranking. I fucking hate where this comic book is headed. I guess DC didn't have enough bad Superman comic books. Fuck me, I hope Superman Unchained is worth reading.

Action Comics #20

Is Superman going to give birth to this thing from his altered DNA? If so, out of what orifice?!

Last issue, Lex Luthor came up with a plan so smart that it didn't make any sense to me. That's how I know Lex Luthor is a super genius! Because I can't understand anything he fucking does! He injected some DNA rewriting virus into Superman via a kryptonite-tipped hypodermic needle bullet! This virus began changing Superman into a Lizard Man. Now, that might be a fairly decent Polymorph result if you were a low level fighter. But if you're Superman who has like 100 Hit Dice, turning into a Lizard Man is the pits. And not the cherry pits either! More like the fiery pits of Apokolips.

The comic book continues to remind the reader that all of the action within it happened one year ago because, in the present day, Lex Luthor is "imprisoned" in a vacation home Superman "tricked" him into building for himself. That was Scott Lobdell's story and it makes Superman look really naive and stupid. Superman believes he challenged Luthor's arrogance and had Lex Luthor design a prison that even Lex Luthor himself could not escape from. And then Superman put him in it. But Lex Luthor is the smartest person on Earth Prime! So Lex would not be fooled by this stupid plan and would thus have built a prison that was more a nice, safe place to scheme which he could get out of at any time. And as we've seen in Supergirl, he's doing just that without his physical body even leaving the nice comfortable safe climate of his free, government funded safehouse. Superman just ends up looking like a real idiot having fallen for this nonsense.

We begin with a lesson:

Capitalism in three easy panels. If somebody is better than you at something within the confines of the generally accepted laws and mores of the current cultural paradigm, cheat. It's called "thinking outside of the box" rather than "breaking the law" or "oppressing the less powerful" or "manipulating the masses" or "creating perpetual poverty" or "changing and creating law to bolster your business and actions while making it harder for competition to eat away at your profits".

Superman wakes up in The Block, Dr. Veritas's laboratory in the center of the Earth. Remember, she's an Omniologist! She recovered Superman's unconscious body after he was put down by his Virus. He's worried that she might see his embarrassing lizard hand but she assures him that his "super-immune system" threw off the virus. Or infection. Or whatever. And by "threw off", I suppose she means "gave birth to it out of his pee hole."

Superman and Dr. Veritas enjoy a bit of post-viral conversation.

Why so shocked, Supes? Is the penis not so super?

So Superman could feel the rage and hate of his hand? I imagine my hand would have some pretty harsh words to say to me after all the sexual abuse it's suffered. But what I particularly like about this conversation is how the inanity of Scott Lobdell's creation of Dr. Truth, the Everything Scientist living in the middle of the Earth, is continued in the panel that explains how she met Superman! It's more of that "just make up a crazy phrase to build history" that Lobdell himself just loves the every fucking love out of. "The Stream of Eternal Maelstroms"! I can't wait to never, ever hear about that again! No, seriously, please tell that story! I just have a feeling it won't ever come up again.

In a closed lab, Dr. Veritas has kept Superman's hand. Because of Superman's "super-immune system," it crawled off of his body and died. I guess Superman just grew a new hand. Or this was just the skin that kind of sloughed off.

We interrupt this commentary to say I just watched a chicken lay an egg. Now back to the commentary.

Dr. Veritas is hoping that Superman can use his super powers to examine the hand since it has super cells just like Superman. Science!

This is what happens when you science things! Fucking science is dangerous! Mythology and superstition for the win!

The hand quickly grows into a gigantic monstrosity with huge, sharp teeth. This is a far more effective warning against masturbation than hairy palms and blindness. Dr. Veritas teleports it and Superman into a chamber that mimics the light of a red sun. This takes away Superman's power as well as the creature's power. When the creature seems nice and weak, Superman has Dr. Veritas cut the lights and then Superman uses the last of his Yellow Sun reserves to turn the creature to ice with his Cold Breath and then shatter it with his fists. I think Superman needs to spend some time on a beach vacation now.

Dr. Veritas teleports what's left of the Hybrid Virus into a galaxy with a red sun because she obviously has technology that can do anything no matter how stupid it sounds. And then they hear that people in Metropolis have also begun to turn into Lizard People because Earthlings have no immunity to Viruses created by Lex Luthor. And apparently the Virus's battle against Superman's super-immune system caused it to evolve super rapidly and instantly go from needing to be injected to harm the victim to airborne in minutes!

Superman arrives in Metropolis to save the day! And by "save the day," I mean he drops all of the infected people into the sewers. But the infected people have a super surprise for him!

Ha ha! The people in the sewers have become one big poop octopus!

And then Lex Luthor's plan which is a plan Lex Luthor really loves and should probably give up on already is that he's going to come swooping down out of the sky in his green and purple Lex Luthor Battle Armor and save Metropolis from Superman! The only part of the plan I'm unsure of is how he convinces everybody that the virus was Superman's fault. I guess he just speaks some lies to the press and the press does what the press does: spreads the lies as truth instead of doing their own investigation. The media is the worst. Natural Born Killers nailed it.

The back-up story involves Jor-el on Krypton discovering the Atlantis of Krypton, a place called Xan. Within the waters surrounding Xan, Jor-el and his team discover the bubble transforming creatures called Teklons. They're kind of the Sleestak of the Kryptonian Ocean depths. And they're supposed to have been extinct.

Jor-el misses some big science meeting where his soon to be wife Lara is hanging out with other people that aren't Kryptonian but have made a pact with them to protect the science council. Wait. Lara isn't Kryptonian? When did this happen? Oh wait. I get it! Scott Lobdell is writing this back-up story. That's all the explanation I need.

During the meeting, Lara's captain kills somebody or something and yells, "For Krypton!" Oh, I get it! Lara is just mentioning that they "swear allegiance to Krypton" in the military sense! I think as soon as I see Scott Lobdell's name in print, I lose 120 IQ points. Leaving me with, you know, -34.

I guess the Science National Guard has decided they need to save Krypton from Kryptonians for Kryptonians. Or something. Anyway, death and mayhem and betrayal and treason equal excitementations!

Action Comics #20 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm not excited to read more about the Atlantis of Krypton or the bubble creatures or the Betrayal at Science Council Hall. I also dislike the Hybrid creature and Lex Luthor's tired plot of trying to prove to the people that they need to be saved from Superman. I hope Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen have their oxygen tanks because this comic is about to sink like a fucking stone.

Action Comics #19

I should probably start guessing at what the big twist is going to be on the 2nd half of the covers. I probably would have guessed Batman!

I don't know anything about Andy Diggle but since he already quit this comic book, it doesn't really matter. What really matters is that the only things I've heard so far are that Tony S. Daniel or Scott Lobdell (perhaps first one, then the other) are going to be taking over the writing duties for this comic book. And that is just horribly sad and depressing news. So far in The New 52, Tony S. Daniel was responsible for The Dark Knight filled with confusing layouts and terrible writing ("Two-Face no longer. You can call me One-Face now!"?). The Savage Hawkman was also confusing and not very interesting although it was Rob Liefeld who really wrecked that one. And I won't go over all the comic books that Scott Lobdell has ruined. But I'm fairly certain I've given him credit for writing one decent scene across all of his books so far. So I'm not very hopeful for the future of Action Comics.

The Action begins one year ago in a bar in Qurac as Lois and Clark are busy with doing actual investigative reporting. Some of you younger kids might not know what that is. It's where the reporters don't just gather in a room to hear the official press release and then everybody reports the press release even if it's obviously all lies and obfuscation. See, in the old days, reporters would hear bullshit and then they'd investigate that bullshit and then they'd put politicians toes to the fire and expose them for the fucktards they really are. Nowadays, the press actually wonder if it's their job to dig out the truth of statements they report on. Fuck them. Fuck them all!

Shouldn't Clark get his own symbol for a Narration Box? Like a pair of glasses? Or a tie? Because that is not fucking Superman speaking there.

I can't tell if Clark is making a joke with that all thumbs thing since most people text using only their thumbs. He is a fairly self-effacing droll character. Plus he's humble! I like how he pretends to hang out at the bar all day while he's really probably helping Lois get the story and save the prisoners as Superman. Or Super Sheik since he probably had to be in disguise.

I suppose this is one year ago since Superman recently lost his job at the Daily Planet in Lobdell's Superman. Because Clark Kent didn't scream like a girl and hide under the bed when the area was bombed the night before, Lois is completely turned on by his brave manliness. I bet if he changed a tire right about now, she'd pull up her skirt and jump on his face. Instead, she tries to take his glasses off and almost discovers his secret identity! But instead of removing his glasses, Clark gets a message to meet a contact and he's off. I bet the contact is Batman!

As soon as Clark is out the door, Lois is hit on by Jon Carroll. I think that's the guy she's dating over in Superman! Unless she was dating him in Action Comics. So basically Clark Kent got Lois all hot but he took off just before she made her move and this other guy swept in and got all of Kent's action. That's a pretty smart move, Jon Carroll! Meanwhile, Clark is out in the alley taking off his clothes all by himself. Yeesh. I bet Batman is going to be surprised!

Superman's contact's note sends him off to a Quraci dock to destroy a cache of weapons. When he arrives, some war machines are waiting for him! I bet Batman set it up to test Superman's strength for future reference!

Why am I so obsessed with Batman being a part of this comic book? Well, who else would Superman trust to find the best information?

Anyway, Superman defeats the War Machines after about nine pages of showing what Superman can do and some of the weapons that throw him off balance. When he's done breaking them apart, he goes to interrogate one of the pilots.

Subdermal thermite? That can't be comfortable.

So that's the big surprise cover? Over in one page? Jimmy Olsen isn't actually Jimmy Olsen? At this point, I have to wonder how much of this comic was actually written by Andy Diggle and how much was just Tony Daniel and Editorial taking over after Diggle walked. Not that I know Diggle's style. But this Jimmy Olsen reveal makes it seem like the cover's big surprise might have been part of a different story. And the fact that nine pages were taken up by a fight scene reminds me of some shitty aspects of early Hawkman. Perhaps the Jimmy Olsen thing will make more sense when I find out who sent these War Machines after Superman.

Lex Luthor appears on the next page probably because he's the one behind it but more probably because he's the one that everyone probably expected to be Superman's "greatest enemy". Except these covers were advertised as WTF Covers and they're supposed to reveal some kind of surprise twist. And Lex Luthor as Superman's enemy is never a surprise!

The cover would have been more shocking if they showed Lex Luthor plotting and then on the flip side show his shrink taking notes.

So Superman is brave and strong and Lex Luthor is smart and manipulative. Got it! I'm ready for these two to go at it now!

Lex Luthor's plot was to stick some nanites in Superman during the battle with the War Machines. Now Lex can recode Superman's DNA at will. Which doesn't really make much sense. But then it's Lex Luthor and he's much smarter than me. More smarter than me? Mostly smarterer than me? Anyway, the nanites decide to change the gene sequences in Superman's hand so that they're the genes of a lizard and then the nanites activate those genes to grow into a lizard hand and then Superman's hand reforms into a lizard hand. That's totally how science works!

You know, if this were just some X-men x-Gene activation, I wouldn't fucking question it at all!

I would have done this to his cock.

Oh, by the way, that was the last panel and it took up two pages. Good old Tony S. Daniel!

There is no back-up story because that story took 25 pages. But usually the $3.99 books are 28 pages! So what does DC do with the final two pages? Well, one page informs the reader that this story continues in Action Comics #20 and #21. Fuck yeah! I was wondering where to find the end of this story! That was worth the wasted fucking page. The next page shows Superman in his Black Suit with a red sun and machines flying in the sky behind him with the tag, "THEN THINGS TO COME...". And then the last page shows an alternate version of the variant cover that shows Lex and Jimmy and Lois and Superman and another woman that didn't make it into this story. Probably because Andy Diggle quit and didn't tell anybody what her role was in the story he was writing.

Action Comics #19 Rating: -1 Ranking. I like that Superman and Lex Luthor are going to face off. But I didn't care for the pacing of this comic book at all. And I'll never give a comic book a good rating when they make me pay for their bullshit ads and looks at variant covers as part of the cover price. Throw those in for free if you want to add extra pages. But don't sell me a 25 page story for a 28 page story price. I was a little more lenient with this early on in The New 52 before I really became comfortable with the standard lengths. But now I have expectations and DC needs to meet those expectations or refund my fucking money! Bastards!