Batman: Shadow of the Bat #15 (August 1993)

The design team decided Baby Diarrhea Green would be too off-putting. So they went with Baby Diarrhea Yellowish-Brown.

The Cover
I don't think I have any comments left in the tank for the technical proficiency of Brian Stelfreeze's painted covers. We get it. You can paint shiny abs and thighs. What most upsets me about this cover is how it doesn't relate to the first part of the story at all. Does it? Am I missing something? Did the brain damage I must have received as a child (which also caused me to forget that I was brain damaged) make me unable to understand the theme of the previous story? Was there a Hell and/or hors d'oeuvre theme that I didn't catch? How hard do you have to be hit in the head, and by what object, to cause you, later in life, to not understand simple plot developments in a fucking comic book? Also, in case that symptom is too vague to diagnose my issue, what injury also causes somebody to be able to spell "diarrhea" without looking it up but can never remember how to spell "hors d'oeuvre"? Can a doctor who reads my blog get back to me on this? I understand that by reading this blog it means you'll be a pretty average doctor who probably really only deals with feet. But I'll take the medical diagnosis anyway! Thanks!

The Story So Far
Batman has not pissed off a devil or a chef or a 17th Century witch-hunter so I'm not sure this issue continues the story from last time. The only reason I'm going to assume it does is that it says, right on the cover, "Gotham Freaks, Part Two". In that story that doesn't involve Batman battling a giant hungry for S'mores, Batman was patrolling the Black neighborhood in Gotham when he saw a white guy out after dark and thought, "He must be robbing bars because there's no other reason for him to be here at night!" If you're thinking Batman is racist because he profiled a white man, you're wrong. He's racist because he was patrolling the Black neighborhood. He followed the possible thief (who was the actual thief because he's The Fucking Dark Goddamned Knight Detective, you dumb bitch) to the Gotham Fun Fair where he immediately accused all of the Freaks of being criminals. Gina, the hot G-word Lady who runs the Freak Show, ran Batman off because she knew that her boyfriend who recently escaped prison was actually stealing from the bars and she was hiding him in her vardo. Batman, knowing his stuff and not trusting the woman (not because she was Romani but because she was so defensive and obviously lying and also a little bit because her ass was chef's kiss), decided to go undercover at the Gotham Fun Fair to catch the petty thief. Yeah, I know, Batman's wasting all of his time and resources to catch a guy who had been robbing bars. Who fucking cares?! It's not like at eight years old, Bruce Wayne's bar was once robbed. He really should leave this kind of shit to the police. Anyway, he discovered Gina's secret but she once again drove him off using the law which made Batman go, "How the fuck does a woman with that nice of an ass know so much about the law?" Did I say Batman was racist earlier? I meant he's racist and sexist.

Also, Bruce wants to fuck Gina.

The Story
Batman does some investigating but in plain clothes because if he gets caught as Batman, Gina will have him arrested for trespassing, breaking & entering, harassment, stalking, and threatening her with violence. Although if he gets caught snooping around as Bruce Wayne, wouldn't that be worse? He should at least be wearing his Matches Malone disguise!

While snooping, Batman discovers that the Gotham Fun Fair is 50 thousand dollars in debt and Gina's about to lose it to foreclosure. Also, Gina and Mike, the prison escapee boyfriend who's been robbing bars, had a double act where they would hypnotize audience members. Bruce didn't recognize Mike earlier even when Mike opened his huge stupid mouth and told Batman that Batman had apprehended him years earlier, but Bruce recognizes him in old photos because of a gem he's wearing in the act.

Well you can't not do crimes with a magic rock like that while living in Gotham!

Batman finally remembers this Mike character: Mirage! A character nobody but Alan Grant probably remembered in 1993! Other than Alan Moore and Grant Morrison, I mean. An old foe like this appearing makes me think I need to resurrect my Who's Who posts from my time on tumblr! Because I definitely have plenty of free time to shoehorn that in along with all the other stupid shit I'm doing! I can probably pet my cat less, right?

Discovering the thief is Mirage, a man who can make people see illusions with the power of his magic gem eye contacts, Batman knows where he's hiding: the freak show! Hmm. Either Batman's detective skills and instincts are far better than I realized or he just really fucking hates people with disabilities.

Spray him with mace! Beat his criminal ass!

Look, we all knew Texas was somehow involved as soon as he was introduced as a "new member" of the Freak Show. What a perfect disguise, right? A guy with no limbs robbing bars? Preposterous! Although in Tod Browning's movie, I'm pretty sure the guy with no arms and no legs knifes a guy.

Mike stops the illusion and all of his freak friends discover he's not one of us. Meaning he's one of Them! They'll no longer help harbor his ass on their turf. Mike flees, leaving Batman trapped in an illusion of being strangled. But the freaks (and Gina!), recognizing Batman is more one of us than Mike ever was, help break the illusion and set him free. Instead of rushing directly after Mike, he takes a few panels to scold Gina for harboring a felon. Justice!

Or should I say "just ass"? No? Whatever. You just don't appreciate hot comic book asses. Not like me and Dwarf Dave!

Batman gives chase and winds up in an illusion of Hell. So the cover makes sense. So what? I was wrong to criticize it? Fucking sue me. I don't care!

Oh, also Batman catches the guy and sends him off with the cops without ripping his contacts out. So, you know, he's going to escape while the cops wind up in a massive orgy back at the precinct. And just like so many other endings where Batman solves a crime where the money from the crimes was going to help regular people, Bruce Wayne buys up the Gotham Fun Fair to make sure the freaks don't try to fit into normal society. So typical of a rich guy. He could have just paid to bail out the Gotham Fun Fair with an anonymous donation. But instead he buys it for himself. Bastard.

The Ranking
Well that's it for my Batman comic books! I highly doubt I own any older comics starring Batman that aren't ensemble casts. Sure, I have tons of The New 52 Batman comic books. But I've already done reviews on those. I'm not going to re-read anything I already wrote about! What a waste of my not-very-precious-at-all time! I'd like to thank Alan Grant (if he can read this from Hell (or heaven, I suppose!)) for some pretty decent Batman stories, most of which ran only one or two issues at most. I don't think that's possible these days! It's definitely not editorially possible since editorial demands six issue stories so they can be collected and more money can be made from them. Although why they can't collect a bunch of shorter stories, I don't know. It's not like I know how to run a business! I mean, yeah, sure. I own my own business. But I never said I know how to run it!

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #14 (July 1993)

Was DC contractually obligated to do a story called "Freaks" once a year? If so, to who?! Tod Browning?

Once again, Brian Stelfreeze manages to capture Batman's expression at the exact moment he shit cums. If I could give a standing ovation over the Internet, I wouldn't do it because I'm lazy. That expresses how much I appreciate Stelfreeze's ability though, right? While I'm still sitting? Good.

The issue begins with Batman investigating a crime. Several bars were robbed in a concentrated area in Gotham (probably an are of the town that Batman's been ignoring so that real estate prices drop from the crime so Bruce Wayne can purchase all the property cheaply before Batman begins patrolling there again). As he thinks about the case, he puts on display his master detective and/or Graduate English Lit skills.

Only a reader of Derrida, Lacan, and Foucault would understand how "nondescript white male" and "Invisible Man" are precisely the same thing. In America, I mean.

Why does Batman look so smug and satisfied in that panel? He must be thinking how clever it was to equate a nondescript white male to the Invisible Man, especially while thinking about how the image was used for reverse effect by Ralph Ellison. Also, can using the eraser on the image to create glare be any more obvious here? It looks like I did it myself just now!

Dammit. Now my brain wants me to find an eraser and see what it would look like if I used it on this comic book. Bad brain! Stop being even dumber and more chaotic than usual! I need to shove some opiates into it to calm it down.

Batman begins stopping and frisking nondescript white males. Since this story is called "Gotham Freaks", my guess is that the nondescript white male is going to have a really fucking horrendously descript twin coming out of his belly.

Batman only encounters one nondescript white male while patrolling because, as Batman acknowledges, "they stick out like a sore thumb" in that part of town. Oh? What part of town are you patrolling, Batman? Hmm. Why do white men stick out there? Hunh? Explain yourself, you gentrifying racist billionaire!

Idiot! Don't give Batman clues as to your identity while you kick him in the chin!

Batman chases this guy down to the "fun fair". It's a place called "Gotham Fun Fair". It's a carnival or a theme park. Probably run by The Joker. When I think of a "fun fair", I think of some shitty little elementary school charity fiasco where they raise money by setting up stupid games, do Cake Walks, and send a metric ton of goldfish to their doom. The "Gotham Fun Fair" has a Ferris wheel and a roller coaster so I'm pretty sure it's more like a boardwalk, especially since it's on Gotham Bay. It also has an old-fashioned freak show where people say words that the kids today would rather throw themselves off of a cliff than ever say out loud.

I hope there aren't any gypsies on display!

Just so you know: I didn't type that word! I copied and pasted it from a racist government account on Twitter! I didn't even think it! I thought "the g-word" the entire time! So get off my fucking back!

The stupid M-word is offended by the guy calling him stupid but not because he called him stupid! It's because he called him a stupid M-word when he's actually a stupid D-word! Wait. I can say dwarf, right? Back in 1992, nobody cared about respecting what a little person wanted to be called because they were too busy debating the differences between a "midget" and a "dwarf". Seriously. I'm not being facetious. That was like a huge debate when adults got together over wine for more than an hour. Once people ran out of things to talk about, 100% of them would suddenly be all, "What's the difference between a dwarf and a midget?"

The three men hassling the little person threaten physical violence when he outwits them with the insults. But then the tall freak comes out and threatens to beat the shit out of them. Since they don't have an even taller friend to back them up, they skedaddle. That's the law of physical violence. The tallest person is always the strongest. This is where a young person would add "no cap" but I respect myself too much to use the lingo of the new generation. For shizzle.

Batman loses the nondescript white male in the sea of nondescript white males enjoying the fun fair. Being the great detective that I described him as earlier, he decides to go hassle the freaks in the freak show. Surely they're up to no good even if they're very descript white males (and some females).

I don't know why that middle lady is a freak. Because she loves to sit in carbonated water? Who doesn't?!

Imagine if Rob Liefeld had been asked to draw the lady in the tank. You'd definitely have to assume she was a freak for sitting in carbonated water because who would be able to tell Liefeld's deformed feet from his regular old boring feet?

The woman running the freak show, Gina Corolla, looks a little like a G-word so I'd like to move on quickly before the young people reading this get overly anxious about practically nothing. She yells at Batman for assuming her employees were criminals and drives him out. Her freak employees defend Batman's actions and she's all, "Yeah, I guess I'm just a little on edge because I'm horny."

"And I can't fuck any of you! Not because you're all weird! HR reasons! Power dynamics! It would be inappropriate!"

Just like the Flea Circus previously, the freak show's been losing money and almost insolvent. Of course it is! Just like the Flea Circus, nobody fucking wants to pay money for this stuff anymore! It's the late 20th Century! We're, if not better people, more apt to get an eyeful of weird shit on the television. And pretty soon the Internet! Nobody ponying up the bucks to see a fucking flea pull a wagon or to see a lady with a little extra skin between her toes. Although she is in a bikini and sitting in a tank of bubbly water. I suppose in 1992, I'd've paid to stare at that.

Just like the Flea Circus owner's grandson was robbing bars to pay for his granddad's debts, it looks like some nondescript white male might be robbing bars to pay for the Freak Show's debts. Come on, Alan Grant! You can't keep telling the same stories by replacing the nouns like some Comic Script Mad Lib! Although I don't actually know if the nondescript white male has been stealing for the Freak Show yet. That's me speculating and assuming again! Making an ass out of you and me and the speculum!

Just like in "The Human Flea", Batman suspects the person he spoke to while investigating the robberies isn't telling him everything they know. So he circles back to keep a close eye on the Gotham Fun Fair and maybe get a little more hassling in on the freaks.

Bruce goes undercover to stake out the Gotham Fun Fair from the inside. He's really staking all his chips on the freaks being behind this rash of robberies. He could patrol the neighborhood where the robberies keep happening and maybe run into the same guy he chased but why do that when he can pretend to be a day laborer and flirt with the hot freak show lady?

As an added perk, he gets to punch a guy just looking for some work right in the face. And his violence pays off!

Batman makes sure to think in one of his narration boxes about how he slipped the guy he punched in the face $100 to make up for it. Just like a rich guy. Thinks money excuses any behavior.

I suspect Bruce doesn't actually care too much about solving this case. I think he heard how horny this hot Gina lady was and decided he's pretty hot and horny as well. Why can't his detective work benefit his penis now and then, you know?

Bruce learns that one of the freaks, the guy with no arms and no legs whom they call Texas, hasn't been with the show long. Also, he's about the right size to fit in the duffel bag of the guy Batman encountered on the street. Also a guy with no arms and no legs is the perfect person to slip into a bar, crawl across the floor, climb the bar with their teeth and tongue and lips, pop open the register with their nose, hoover up all the cash into their mouth, and roll back out again without tripping any alarms. Or maybe he just unlocks the door from the inside after being shoved in a barely open window?

It's also possible that Texas is just Gina's ex-boyfriend with his head sticking out of a box with a fake torso on top. The perfect and not-at-all problematic disguise for a criminal!

Except now I'm just like Batman! Blaming the freaks for the crimes of just another nondescript white male! Because it turns out, Mike, Gina's "boyfriend", just walks into bars when somebody's got the safe open, commands them to give him the money, then makes them forget anything happened. He's got mind powers! No wonder Batman can't remember who he is! Or maybe simply because Batman threw him in jail five years ago and he was just a nobody back then.

Batman notices Gina sneak back to her trailer when the cops arrive to investigate some petty crimes at the Fun Fair. He follows her for one of two reasons. Either he suspects she's working with the bar robber . . .

. . . or he just can't get enough of that ass.

I was pretty sure it was the ass but then if he was following her to get a whiff of that tight caboose, he probably wouldn't be doing shit like this once he caught up to it:

Whelp, he's not getting any of that ass now.

Being an expert knife thrower, Gina manages to stop Batman from chasing down her boyfriend by pinning his cape to a wall. He points out she's just become an accessory to a crime and she's all, "You're trespassing, breaking and entering, assaulting me, threatening me, and you have no proof that anybody stole anything. Get the fuck out of my fun fair." And just like that, Batman slinks away, chastised. Is she Batman's most powerful nemesis?!

The Ranking
What a great story! It was so good the first time I read an Alan Grant story about an obsolete entertainment needing to turn to crime to finance its existence that I was all, "I hope he does another story just like it!" And oh lordy did he! But I didn't realize at the time that what the story was missing was a hot woman in tight pants who was so horny she was in emotional distress! I think I have a new type!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #61 (Third Thursday of January 2026)

E!TACT #61
Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13, Invasion: Book One, Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1, Cerebus #39, and Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!!
By Grunion Guy

Comic Book Reviews!


Why's that balding guy wearing Batman's outfit under his suit?

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13 (June 1992)
By Alan Grant, Norm Breyfogle, and Adrienne Roy

I don't know how people do it. How they begin a new life in middle age or later, I mean. Not that I'm considering that! It's just this story about a drunk who lost everything and wound up living on the street who accidentally learns Batman's secret identity got me thinking about it. The man in the story lost his family and business and turned to alcohol before becoming homeless and while that's one hardship I can hardly imagine, the thought that's actually burning uncontrolled through my brain right now is how somebody young losing their twenties and maybe even their thirties to drugs and alcohol and a transient life ever feels that life can actually be anything more. I'd constantly feel sad and hopeless about the life I had lost and the futureless life ahead of me. Maybe I'm looking at it through the eyes of a bit-too-old-for-change man. I once found myself convinced that I was a lost soul living on the street who had made up my actual life as a delusion to feel better about my actual circumstances. But that's because I was on a fuck-ton of psychedelic mushrooms and waiting in a strip club parking lot for my friends to emerge. I think I'd be bitter and angry constantly. I can't imagine I'd ever find a way to improve my life, partially because I'd think, "Why bother? I've already lost so much time."

I wonder if what I just described is how angry incels feel about all the years they've wasted online, missing out on actual experiences? I mean, they're bitter and angry, right? Do they also feel hopeless? Is that why they become so nihilistic? I wish they could find joy in something. But where do you start when you think the world has turned its back on you?

Now all the Wayne Industries security guards think Bruce Wayne was at a gay club all night.

Pretty sure Bruce Wayne wasn't supposed to be the one yelling "A trick!" in that panel above. Also his arm makes it look like he just chugged some Gingold.

Anyway, that houseless dude saw Batman's face when his mask was torn off in a fight with Johnny Zero (just some guy named Johnny with a shirt with a 0 on it). He recognized him immediately and thought, "Hey! This will help me turn my life around! I'll sell Bruce's information to the underworld!" And he tries but he's just a nobody with a secret and as everybody knows, especially terrible, awful people, the cops aren't going to investigate when a nobody turns up dead. When Mr. Nobody (not the Doom Patrol villain for whom I'm still deciding whether or not to sue Grant Morrison for identity rights) tries to sell Batman's secret to some guy named Doc Creasey, he winds up stabbed in the back for his trouble. Doc Creasey decides that the next night he's going to hold a 1992 Zoom Meeting to auction off Batman's secret identity. But Mr. Nobody doesn't die in the alley he was tossed; he wakes up just long enough to see Batman swinging through the morning sky and thinks, "I may have fucked up my entire life but that guy's got purpose. I should probably tell him what I did so he can get Doctor Fate to erase the mind of Doc Creasey." So he drags himself to Wayne Industries (or Enterprises? I don't know!) and confesses.

"I do it for the massive erection I get from breaking bones and punishing criminals!"

Mister Nobody makes sure to die because DC can't have extraneous people running around knowing Batman's secret identity. Luckily, Doc Creasey also dies later because, you know, of what I just wrote. Batman doesn't have to kill him; he just has to interrupt the auction (which actually becomes a kidnapping when The Joker decides he also doesn't want to pay for the secret) where somebody else does the killing for him. Standing amid the corpses of all the people who almost blew his secret identity, Batman thinks, "Another successful job by The Batman!"

The Ranking
I like how this issue told the story of how Batman lies to himself about the reasons why he fights crime when he could live the rest of his life on a yacht surrounded by hot women in bikinis. "Oh, I do it for the nobodies, man! Totally! Not because of my crippling PTSD, childhood trauma, and severe OCD at all! I'm like, um, Superman! Yeah! I do it for truth and justice! Go me!" Okay, Batman. If you want to believe it, I guess I'll pretend to believe it too.

Invasion! Book One: The Alien Alliance (October 1988)
By Keith Giffen, Bill Mantlo, Todd McFarlane, P. Craig Russell, Al Gordon, and Joe Rubenstein

When I first purchased this comic in 1988, I probably gasped at the "80 pages! No ads!" bit. But now that I'm thinking about writing about it, that just sounds exhausting. Good thing I've decided to resurrect my Newsletter format where I barely discuss the comic book, if at all! This'll be a breeze! Let me just type out "The Dominators invade Earth and kill a lot of people." Is that good enough?

No, it's not! Because to my surprise, this is the first comic book in my collection that has Todd McFarlane as the penciller! Holy shit! I didn't think I owned any comic books by him! Did they hire him to draw the Dominators because he was adept at fitting too many teeth in people's mouths? I don't know if Todd was known for that; I'm projecting my knowledge of Rob Liefeld onto Todd. Sorry, Todd! I know you actually grew as an artist over time!

Like, you probably eventually learned how to draw feet, right? Right?!

This comic book written in 1988 begins more woke than any other modern comic book (and I don't mean woke in, like, punching Nazis or Superman being a compassionate role model or whatever weird fucking shit those right wing idiots think woke means): the Dominators themselves declare that Earth is scary frightening because the Earth people's diversity makes them strong. Also probably their meta-genes. Maybe mostly their meta-genes. But they sure do go on and on about how they and the Khunds and the Durlans are basically the monocultures of alien life (I mean each species is a monoculture unto itself and not that all three are mix and match species). So right away, we see a group who thinks of themselves as the superior race in the universe, a group that are all exactly the same and love it that way, show intense fear and hatred for diversity. And also meta-genes!

Let me be clear: it's not the good guys obsessed with the purification of race in this book.

The titular "Alien Alliance" forms with nine different races. Todd McFarlane may have done the pencils with P. Craig Russell doing the inks on this chapter but take a look at this page and tell me if it screams "Keith Giffen" to you? Yes, he did the plot and breakdowns.

Could this page have been part of the breakdowns that Todd basically just redrew? Or traced?!

On closer examination of all the races, I notice the Psions seem to be different than I remember them. Aren't they usually more lizard-like? Is that another race I'm thinking of?! Maybe I'm just remembering all that shit David Icke revealed about the royals.

The first chapter ends with the alliance of nine races formed. The second chapter tells the story of the prisoners. The Dominators want to destroy Earthlings because they fear their potential, especially if they ever begin working together. But the thing that makes them special, the meta-gene, means the Psions want to take as many of them prisoner as possible. To vivisect them and discover their power. Along with whatever humans they can capture (like Adam Strange), they're also imprisoning any other aliens who try to fight back. This includes Brainiac of L.E.G.I.O.N. and all of the Omega Men who weren't killed while being captured. Adam Strange has been imprisoned with the normies but he wants to break out and find the place where they're keeping those with powers in the hopes to recruit them for a revolution against their keepers. This all takes place as the Dominion and their allies move the fleet within range of Earth's system to begin their assault.

Yeah, okay. This isn't Keith Giffen's work. Sure, sure. Todd did this. *WINK*

The invasion begins in Australia because the only super heroes there are gay and there's only like, what, two of them? I meant "gay" literally there and not in "lame". I am not an immature dweeb from the '80s. I mean, I was. But I'm not now! They easily defeat Australia to set up their base of operations. I think I remember the aftermath of some of this in Justice League International.

Chapter Four is both penciled and inked by Todd McFarland and, well, yeah it is.

Yep. Checks out!

Sixty-seven pages in and there hasn't been an appearance by a single super hero. Unless you count The Omega Men which, of course, you don't. Also Adam Strange but, I mean, you know what I mean.

A few pages are devoted to The Spectre being told by the Lords of Order not to interfere or else the Lords of Chaos might join up with the aliens. I thought The Spectre works for God not the Lords of Order? Not that it matters since the Lords of Order are basically concerned that if any magic wielding being participates in the defense of Earth, the Lords of Chaos may see it as interference and give them a right to interfere too. But if the Lords of Order have the option to interfere, why don't the Lords of Chaos interfere? What do they care about maintaining balance? They're chaos, man?! The Spectre seems to think he has to obey orders from the Lords of Order (oh? Is that why they're called that? They can order people around?!) so he rushes off to make sure none of the magic heroes take part in this battle. Boring!

Page 73 gives us the first appearance of an actual hero (The Spectre is not a hero. He's God's Vengeance or some nutty shit): Tasmanian Devil. See? Gay! The rest of Earth's heroes are told to stand down until they hear the Dominator's demands. When they come, they're told to stand up because Earth isn't giving in to the demands which are to give up the heroes. So politicians decided to fight instead of backing down and allowing fascists to take over? That's the most unbelievable part of this story so far!

The Ranking!
Was this 80 pages of prologue? I think this was 80 pages of prologue! The most exciting part of the story was when The Omega Men were battling the alien alliance and you know how exciting I found that? I'll let you know by telling you this: there's a fucking reason I don't own Lobo's first appearance. Because The Omega Men comic book looked like it sucked assholes! I don't know if it did but I saw it on the shelves month after month and I thought, "That looks stupid." Yeah, I know I'm the stupid one now because my favorite character of all time, Lobo (maybe tied with Ambush Bug), wound up appearing there first and I could have owned that shit off the shelf! Although luckily, for no reason at all, I was collecting DC Comics Presents back then so I do have Ambush Bug's first appearance! Yay for young me actually doing one thing fucking right!

I didn't realize that was an actual plastic diamond on the cover until I re-scanned it because the first scan was out of focus. Because of that fat old diamond.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1 (July 1992)
By Keith Giffen, Robert Loren Fleming, Bart Sears, Randy Elliott, and Mark Pennington

Hey! My Eclipso: The Darkness Within comics! Now I can box them with the Eclipso comic run (which was a huge mistake because they just couldn't get the tone right. Man, the concept fell apart so fast!)! It's kind of insane that my boxes of comic books have absolutely no organization to them. I think they're mostly by when I bought them and shoved them in the box. These probably haven't seen the light of day for thirty years!

Let's get this out of the way immediately and also this might not be a long review so I want to make sure I say this: I could not stand Bart Sears' art at this time. Everybody looks like they're roided out and constipated (just look at the cover!). In 1992, I had yet to cultivate my comic book tastes so I just purchased comics featuring whatever comic book character I liked and/or whatever huge Summer Event DC was trying to sell me. Eventually, I began to buy comics based on the writers and, less often, the artists. I'm not sure I ever refrained from buying a comic because I didn't like the artist but I definitely didn't buy comic books because I couldn't stand the writer. But that was a short period of years between "buy anything with characters I'm interested in" and "buy every single book DC publishes". The period between those two moments were the only time that I read a majority of Marvel books. Because all of the writers I loved had gone to Marvel!

The story begins in 1890 when Bruce Gordon (at least I'm assuming it's Bruce Gordon? Does he gain immortality when infected with the black diamond?), apparently travelling on the same boat as Joseph Conrad traveled on that served as inspiration for Heart of Darkness, braves the jungles of Africa to find the legendary Black Diamond (which is called "The Heart of Darkness"). He finds it, kills his partner, has the gem cut up into 1000 tinier gems, and, well, that's the prologue! 100 years later, we learn about Eclipso's secret base on the Dark Side of the Moon which we know means that the sun never shines on it. Because if the sun did somehow shine on the Dark Side of the Moon, which it totally doesn't, not ever, Eclipso would be destroyed. Luckily, at least in the DC Universe, the sun never shines on the Dark Side of the Moon. Somehow.

Oh, that's how. It's just a deep crater with anti-sunlight technology.

Valor is the first person to discover Eclipso's evil lair on the Evil Side of the Moon in Evil Crater. Probably because DC really wanted to make Valor happen. Did it work? I don't fucking remember. I know I bought in, at least for a little while. I own the first issue of his series if not a few more after.

Valor's easily possessed within Eclipso's palace which gives Eclipso an idea: invite all the other heroes to his house for a possession party! Or maybe just use Valor to go out and possess more heroes. Eclipso makes sure to mention how Valor's obviously more powerful than even Superman so the fans would be all, "Oh? I should check out this Valor guy! Is he starring in his own book yet?!" The answer to that question was "No! But wait until September! Hoo boy, it'll be the biggest event since the Death of Superman! I mean it'll be the biggest event until the Death of Superman!"

Bruce Gordon appears next and he's obviously not the guy from 100 years before because even though he has exactly the same roided out and constipated body type, his hair color is different. Bruce studies the black diamond to try and figure out how it's attached to making him turn into Eclipso when he stubs his toe or gets cut off in traffic. But he just can't figure it out. Until it begins to react like a sperm attracted to a hot, sexy egg. It swims to the edge of the petri dish so Bruce concludes that it's trying to get somewhere. Bruce takes it along like a little sperm bloodhound and they head out to find a sexy ovum.

Oh yeah! Baby making time!

Actually it's murder time. But you probably guessed that because the picture that should have been a sexy naked lady was an angry Eclipso-faced and fully dressed woman with a knife. My erection nearly flagged when I saw that. But then it just got harder for some reason? Hmm, I'll just note that down to discuss with my therapist.

Bruce finds a second Black Diamond on the woman possessed by Eclipso after he defeats her by shining a flashlight at her. How was this a huge summer event if Eclipso can be defeated by pointing a three dollar light at him? Oh, wait. I remember. Gordon's little gizmo actually produces "sunlight" or something. That's why there was an earlier scene to show that his flashlight's bulb was burnt out so he had to take his special Anti-Eclipso light gun.

But now that Bruce has found two Black Diamonds, he realizes Eclipso has been planning something way bigger than just fucking with him by turning him into a murderer whenever he's slightly irritated. Little does Bruce know, there are 998 more Black Diamonds out there waiting to make people murder each other! I'm sure glad DC didn't have 998 monthly titles or they definitely would have tried to make everybody buy 998 stupid Annuals in the summer of 1992.

If only The Phantom Stranger hadn't been too busy polishing his thirty pieces of silver, he could have stopped this whole event and saved me so much money!

Eclipso takes over The Creeper next as a test case. Unless Eclipso just wants to gather up the most irritating heroes he can find. Maybe one of each? He's got boring and irritating. So next he's going after most powerful with Superman. But thanks to Bruce Gordon, leading expert in solar sciences, Eclipso's defeated before he can trick Superman into picking up the Black Diamond and getting angry. Although does Superman get angry? I guess it depends on who's writing him at the time.

The Ranking
The reason Eclipso has been tormenting Bruce Gordon all these years and not living up to his full potential is that Eclipso wanted to delay the advancement of solar sciences and solar energy and LaserTag equipment that mimics the sun's rays. The sun's light, being the only thing that can hurt or defeat Eclipso, had to be kept where it couldn't hurt him: 93 million miles away. Which actually makes you wonder: what good would an Eclipsoed Superman be? Superman's full of yellow sun energy so can he even be turned? Or can he only be turned when he has none left and then what? He's as useless as Jimmy Olsen! I don't think Eclipso thought through going after Superman first. I don't remember if Superman ever does get possessed but it probably doesn't happen in the next chapter of this story: Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #1. That's because Superman probably had like four different annuals in the summer of 1992 and it wouldn't be great if he were possessed right from the start. I was going to say I'll never find out because why would I have the Superman: Man of Steel Annual #1 but you know what? Seems like I really went for this event in 1992! Looks like I've got most, if not all, of the annuals! Oh boy¡ I used the upside-down exclamation point to indicate that I'm actually the opposite of excited.

Dave Sim was making fun of Image artists a decade before Image existed! Except Sim can draw a mean fucking foot.

Cerebus #39 (June 1982)
By Dave Sim

When I last read Cerebus, the story was in the middle of Petuniacon, a Comic-con-like convention to highlight the candidates for Prime Minister. The candidates running are Cerebus, Lord Julius, Elrod, and K'cor. Cerebus wants to be Prime Minister because Astoria wants him to be Prime Minister. At some point, his ambitions were hijacked by Astoria and I'm not sure when (if ever) he really regains control of his life. Once he's put on this course, he's too lazy or stubborn to change direction. It's possible he tries during Jaka's Story but once his life as a houseguest falls apart thanks to the Cirinists, he once again loses his free will as he feels compelled to destroy Cirin. He probably has a few more chances to do his own thing and go his own way but he's way too easily manipulated by other people, either directly or simply by their influence. Last issue he almost broke free from Astoria's grip when he attempted to murder Elrod but she stopped him because killing Elrod wouldn't be politically expedient. Although it would have been satisfying.

I think they would have been saying, "I say, I say, son, that white-skinned boy sure is leaking a lot of red stuff. Blood, that is."

Mr. Blakely drops by and patronizingly ushers Astoria out of the room. Not many people can tell Astoria what to do but Blakely makes sure she realizes that he could easily run for Prime Minister himself and then where would she be? Without a dank little aardvark to manipulate? Blakely, of course, thinks that he's manipulating events for the benefit of the Church of Tarim. He needs to find the right candidate to rally behind to either turn everything around (as the city is falling apart and the Church has self-exiled for the time being, seeing abhorrent prophecies everywhere) or become a patsy. Everybody Cerebus meets tends to think Cerebus is a patsy so, um, Blakely's probably headed in that direction. The only problem is that Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which fate and prophecy can't seem to touch.

Before they even begin to discuss whatever business Blakely wants to broach, Lord Julius walks through in a towel to borrow the bath. Cerebus takes it in stride. Blakely near pisses himself. Lord Julius does the thing where he confuses the fuck out of everybody around him, calls for a taxi in the middle of the Ambassador Suite, and then disappears. The taxi driver arrives moments later through the front door while The McGrew Brothers come in through the back. It's pure chaos because, again, Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which not only can fate and prophecy not seem to touch but which also sews chaos in his wake. Oh, and the taxi driver turns out to be The Moon Roach.

Kevitch is basically Khonshu.

We learned previously that Dirty Drew seems to be so super attractive that even Astoria tried to fuck him. That's why the voice in Moon Roach's head notices how hot he is.

After Elrod barges in to brag about replacing Cerebus as the Ranking Diplomatic Representative of Palnu (and Cerebus beats the shit out of him, proving he's a more capable warrior than Elrod) and The Regency Elf admits she wrote the graffiti about Cerebus peeing in the sink, Blakely's seen enough. He winds up agreeing to write a letter of recommendation for Cerebus as Prime Minister even though, after every person barged in, he thought he could use that as an excuse to not recommend Cerebus. But Cerebus reacted correctly each time, barely fazed by any of it.

The Ranking!
We're still early days in Cerebus's 300 issue run when it's still fun and chaotic and carefree. Sim's a master at these early days of his storytelling where most of the characters are mostly one note (and often caricatures of other characters or famous people). This allows him to play up how Cerebus is the only character with any real free will and, I imagine, it's what helped him move the story along. In any situation, Sim knows exactly how Lord Julius will act or Astoria or Elrod or The Roach. They're barely two-dimensional. They're punchlines with straight narratives. But it's how Cerebus reacts to each of them in every scene that builds Sim's story and keeps Sim guessing as to how he's going to continue. Sure, he's definitely plotted a lot of this out. He's a master notetaker who pretty much knows the beats of the story. But that's all built around how Cerebus will surprise him in any give situation as he comes up with every new plot point. Or how Judaism and Islam and Christianity would absolutely surprise Sim when his plans for the end of the series went from a parody reading of The Bible by a selfish, ignorant barbarian aardvark to Sim's own interpretation of Genesis (by way of misogyny and conservative beliefs). "Surprise!" said the religions of the Book, "You're penultimate story won't be funny anymore! It'll be a long, boring trudge of a read as you explain that there were two Gods in The Bible, one good male one and one evil female one! What a genius to be the only person in all of history to understand how the pronoun used for God was actually two different pronouns discussing two different gendered Gods! Not crazy at all!"

It's possible I've forgotten a lot of that penultimate run of Cerebus and I'm miscategorizing some of it. If that's so, I apologize to Dave. We'll see for sure whenever I get that far into the series again! But before then, lots and lots of great plots, genius characters, and loads of laughs! Especially when Oscar Wilde lays dying for ten issues! Ha ha ha! So good!

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Electric Salsa (Baba baba) by Off (1986)
After some initial "Baba baba"s and a single line, this song begins with a simple Casio beat while a guy clears his throat, blows a load, and then takes a shit. Don't worry if that was your favorite part because he'll do it again later after the Casio horns and some rather tepid verses. I find it hard to criticize the lyrics as they're in English and singer slash DJ was German (Sven Väth). You can't (or at least, I can't!) shit all over a guy because the lyrics he wrote in a non-native language are simple and trite! I mean, I'm pretty sure English was Rebecca Black's native language and I never got on her case about the trite lyrics in "Friday"! I just listen to it and dance and sing along! Also this was released in 1986 which was practically the stone age for electronic dance music. So you probably have to forgive the simple Casio sounds and one note beats, right? Although Seth could have been a little more honest about his dance groove and named it "Electric Ketchup" instead of "Electric Salsa" because there ain't a bit of heat in this tune. At one point, he refers to himself as the Master of Salsa and I would have laughed out loud if I wasn't dancing so hard. Doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie bah bah!
Grade: B-.

Moron's Moron by Scratch Acid (1986)
A bassy intro leads into a song which sounds like it could have been the B-side off a single of "Black Dog Runs at Night" by Angelo Badalementi, David Lynch and the Thought Gang. For a band labeled as "noise rock", I was surprised to find less noise and more music. Sure, there's screaming and an intense bassy build up. But you don't say you play "noise rock" and then make me listen to actual music. What the fuck, man? If this is "noise rock" then isn't all music "noise rock"? Maybe I just don't understand the definition of the genre. Should I look it up? It could just mean "music in which you can't understand any of the lyrics except the word 'fucking'". Oh, check out this line from the definition of "noise rock" on the Wikipedia page: "The term 'noise rock' is a portmanteau of 'noise' and 'rock' music." Wow! I never would have fucking imagined! I'm so glad that's cleared up. Ultimately, I don't give a shit about pretentious portmanteaus masquerading as ever more specific names to describe a piece of music. What did Douglas Coupland call it in Generation X? "Musical Hairsplitting."
     Overall, for a band named Scratch Acid playing a genre specifying that it's at least half composed of "noise", this was pretty fucking good. If I could open a worm hole, I'd take a cassette of Scratch Acid and hurl it back to 1986 to hit dopey fourteen year old me in the face so maybe I'd discover at least some interesting music.
Grade: B+.

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #12 (May 1993)

The brown boundary's an odd choice.

The Cover
"I'm not negative! You're negative!"

Oh, sorry. That was just the right side of my brain yelling over the corpus callosum at the left side of brain because the left side keeps trying to stop the right side of my brain from writing a long fucking rant about how much it's begun to hate Brian Stelfreeze's painted covers. If only I hadn't gone out and purchased more issues of this comic book I could have lived the rest of my life thinking I kind of liked them. Except maybe that one that had Calendar Man sniffing Killer Moth's farts. I guess the left side of my brain, the side that apparently suffers from delusion and guilt, has convinced itself that it still likes them but only theoretically. The problem is that it refuses to come to terms with all the non-theoretically problems with the cover that the right side of my brain keeps listing, quite loudly. "Why is one-quarter of the cover just some weird fucker's face?" my brain bellows inside my skull. "And why does he have ink smudged all over it? Is it because he's actually a dictionary transforming into a man? The definition 'cadaver' turning into Mortimer Kadaver?!" It won't fucking let up. Meanwhile the left side of my brain is all, "Oh, come on. It's no worse than a knock-off Choose Your Own Adventure book. Remember the Which Way books? Those were a lot of stupid fun, right?"

"Fuck you! Fuck you and your stupid fucking electrified pink meat, you sad half a sack! The art on Which Way books was way better than Choose Your Own Adventure books! And also, stop changing the fucking subject because Brian Stelfreeze is a fucking hack! Why does Batman have long, sharp fingers?! And no thumbs? And we've seen that arched back look with that grimace on the face of the meat puppet we pilot too many times to think Batman's not getting a broom handle up the ass!"

"But the shadow hands grasping at him are fun, right? And his muscles are so shiny! What about the brown border? We like that effect, right?"

"Suck my fucking neurons, you dope! This cover is clunky, crowded, and makes no fucking sense. Also, where's the Flea? Don't call this issue 'The Human Flea' and not give me some sweet flea action."

My head was beginning to hurt at this point so I choked myself until I passed out. When I came to, I figured I'd discussed the cover enough and moved on to the story.

The Story So Far
Some kid donned a flea costume to rob convenience stores and bars so he can save his grandfather's flea circus which nobody fucking cares about because it's 2026. I mean, it was 1992 when this story came out but that's still closer to people not giving a shit about flea circuses than people caring about flea circuses. Batman began sniffing around so his grandfather told him to knock that shit off and he said he would. But there's a second issue (this one!) so I'm guessing he won't quite quit yet. Also, a man named Kadaver has escaped from prison because he's about to die. But before he dies, he wants to kill everybody else in Gotham so nobody will sing a song about how great it is that he's dead. I mean, you just can't risk it, you know? His plan is to kill everybody by unleashing a plague. And you know how plagues are spread, right? Pubic lice! I mean fleas! So the stories will probably merge sometime during this issue.

The Story
The issue begins with Kadaver heading over to the flea circus because he apparently knows how plagues are spread too!

"Closed." Yeah, no shit.

The idea that a flea circus might play a significant role in a story in 1992 is the first thing in this series that made me think, "I wonder how old Alan Grant was when he wrote this?" I figured he must have been like 80 to think this was a good plot point. He was 43. He died in 2022 at 73. I am now sad. Partly because I love a lot of Alan Grant's work but more partly because that's only 19 years away for me. And I've been doing this blog for 15 years. So, um, I'm like so close to death! Eep! Stupid mortality!

In an effort to forget whatever I was just writing about, I kept reading the story.

Kadaver robs Kemp, the owner of the flea circus. Not that Kemp has any money. But he does have thousands and thousands of fleas! I guess that means Batman will have to work with The Flea to stop the spread of the plague because The Flea is such a fucking expert on, you know, fleas. I probably speculated that during my last review, right?

Kadaver kills the old man Kemp before he and Bodie steal his fleas and flee over the rooftops for some reason.

They drove up in a car. What the fuck are they doing dancing across the roofs?!

Oh wait. Sorry, that's obviously Batman. He just came back to spy on Kemp because he suspected the old man wasn't telling him the whole truth. Kadaver and Bodie are leaving by car down below.

It's a good thing Batman has nothing better to do than to torment an old man whom Batman decided was lying to him. It's not like Gotham is rife with violent crime that he could be putting a stop to. Fucking dick.

Batman thinks exactly what I thought but a little more forgiving of himself.

Fortunate for who? Kemp's dead!

Batman just thinks he's fortunate because he spies Kadaver leaving Kemp's place. He just assumes Kadaver's working with The Human Flea because he doesn't check in with the old man. Why should he? He knew the guy was lying about something, right? He must be complicit!

Before Batman can hurl a batarang at Bodie's head giving him a life-altering concussion, The Flea attacks Batman. He saw Batman on the roof out of the window as he cradled his dead grandfather and assumed Batman killed him even though everybody knows the main thing about Batman is that he doesn't kill. Does everybody know that? Is that a secret Batman keeps tight to his chest? I don't think it is. I think he's constantly telling anybody who'll listen that he doesn't kill. And a young guy like The Flea? He really should know that. Although he does live with an old man who runs a flea circus. Maybe he's not up on all the current Batman lore that the cool kids know.

Kadaver and Bodie get away while Batman deals with The Flea.

It's rare for Batman to ask questions before breaking many, many bones.

Anyway Batman realizes that The Flea wants to help catch his grandfather's murderer and Batman eventually accepts his help but with the caveat that he's still going to jail later for, I don't know, daring to kick Batman in the face, I suspect. Luckily Batman read Kadaver's lips before Batman was kicked in the face by The Human Pubic Louse which, if anybody else had seen happen, would ensure that Catwoman would never kiss him again. He learned that Kadaver was headed to that huge lab in Gotham where they experiment on all of the animals. I think it's called Wayne Industries Labs. Or something. Don't listen to me. I'm a liar.

Breaking News!
Listen: Scott Dilbert has died and while he'd probably like to be remembered for his comic strip, he made the decision to be remembered for making racist comments and embracing a terrible ideology. He got more attention for being an asshole so he embraced being an asshole. Now that he's dead, people only remember that he was an asshole. Even the people mourning him don't care about his life's work. They just care that he was on their side.

Don't be a Scott Dilbert.

That's a warning for all the likeable people. I'm still going to be an asshole because somebody needs to look like an angry piece of shit to shame these MAGA assholes (which, often enough, are simply Conservatives at this point) as often as possible and I don't mind taking that bullet. If the people I despise think of me as an asshole when I die but the people I love remember me for the joy and whimsy and absolutely fucking amazing book and comic book reviews I've done, I'm good with that. I am a light in the dark, full of happiness and joy and overwhelming positivity and hope, but only for those I love. I will burn and bite and rip and tear anybody who embraces hate, anybody gatekeeping the pursuit of happiness for those they deem too different. Suck it, haters!

Hmm. Um. How do you return from breaking news? I guess the opposite?

Fixing Olds!
Kadaver, Bodie, and the two punk guys who seem to be more into nihilism than animal rights break into that lab I mentioned. The punk guys free all of the animals while Bodie and Kadaver head into the wing where they keep all of the deadly pathogens that would decimate the population if they ever got out. I'm sure they're storing them for positive and uplifting research reasons and not because they're planning on selling them to the military. I'm sure there's a great and logical reason that they need all of those deadly pathogens stored away for the future. I mean, no big deal killing off every Passenger Pigeon or Dodo Bird but you don't want to make the Bubonic Plague or Small Pox completely extinct, right? I bet the reason has to do with glaciers and how they're just gigantic storage units for deadly viruses and bacteria so we might someday need these ones we know about to make a vaccine or something. I'm not a scientist so I don't know all the smart reasons scientists do stupid things. I generally just assume the reason for those stupid things is because they're in bed with the American military, shrug, and go play video games.

I wish Hush's identity had been Tommy Azzman.

Bodie only now realizes that Kadaver's plan is to infect the fleas and send them out into Gotham to infect everybody. Bodie isn't into mass murder so he stands up to Kadaver and gets shot. Kadaver escapes with some Bubonic plague while The Flea captures the punk guys and Batman beats the shit out of Bodie. I mean questions Bodie as he dies in Batman's arms. To be fair to Batman (which I absolutely don't need to be because, you know, ACAB), he tells Bodie to shut up while he gets an ambulance but Bodie is all, "No, no. I accept that my time is over. And for my last noble act, I will tell you all of Kadaver's plans and the location of his cemetery lair. Cough, cough. Die."

Batman figures out where the best place in Gotham to release the fleas for the maximum spread of the plague by doing detective work and he manages to get there in time, killing all the fleas in the process. So Batman does kill! After that, he finds Kadaver about to kill himself and prevents the suicide. Not for good or compassionate reasons, of course.

Holy Christ. What a dick.

Kadaver's about to die painfully from a brain tumor, probably suffering for weeks, all while in the non-comfort of a prison cell. So Batman saves his life just so he's forced to endure that as punishment? Come on, dude. Let the guy kill himself! This is just absolute sadism on Batman's part.

The final panel of the comic book has Batman mocking Kadaver because not only is he going to jail but he's about to be hounded by animal rights groups for being "complicit in the murder of 50,000 fleas." Hopefully Batman was also hounded by these animal rights groups for the rest of the run of Shadow of the Bat. If there wasn't at least one panel in every issue after this where somebody's throwing red paint on Batman or mocking him while wearing a flea costume, I'll just assume that reality hates me.

The Ranking!
Batman played a minor role in this story. He stumbled onto The Flea while going to investigate the prison break out. Then he stumbles on the escapees when he goes to check on his suspicions about The Flea. His presence at the time the grandfather dies causes The Flea to miss the actual killers (thinking Batman killed the grandfather when he probably would have heard or seen the car in a few moments), stalling The Flea's potential ability to stop Kadaver himself. Batman was entirely unnecessary in this whole business and probably just made thinks worse overall. Plus he tortures a dying man for the pure and simple pleasure he gets out of punishing people. As if not existing anymore is less of a punishment than the process of dying from a brain tumor. Hmm, you know, it probably is, really. There's a reason people want to end their own life when they've got a terminal and painful illness. That was directed at Batman because I think he needs to hear it. Wasn't one of the whole points of Robin to help Batman learn compassion? Or, maybe, Batman just adopted Robin so he could have a kid he could punish for not obeying him. Batman really gets off on punishing people.

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #11 (April 1993)

Grant probably pitched "The Human Pubic Louse" and DC nixed it immediately.

The Cover
Stelfreeze tends to draw Batman a bit too glossy with way too many muscles and a smaller pee-pee than most artists (especially Simon Bisley). His covers are like a studio recording by a way-too-hands-on producer of a garage band that made it big with raw demos based on Satan worship. It's just too polished, man. Where's the blood and feces soaked front row audience? Also, I don't know what notes Brian received for this cover. "Batman has been reduced to the size of a flea so he decides to research fleas being that he's the size of one but isn't actually one. While researching fleas for no actual reason, somebody attempts to swat him and Batman raises his arms to defend himself. Or maybe Batman's casting a spell?" At a glance, this cover's great. I love it. I'm like, "Oh yeah! I'm all in on this comic book! Let's get to it!" But if I stop to look too closely, I begin to hate so many things about it. But mostly I hate the way my mind has convinced me that Batman's packing a razor sharp penis in that super tight underwear. Also the lack of Satan worship.

The Story
I'm about 900 pages into Mark Z. Danielewski's Tom's Crossing and it reminds me of Jordan Peele's Nope in that he seems to be defying critical expectations. We're a long way away from House of Leaves just as Nope was miles away from Get Out. Just as Jordan Peele decided to make a horror movie that wasn't explicitly about race relations in America, Danielewski seems to have decided to write a book that wasn't explicitly postmodern. Although a chicken's got to chicken (I grew up in the city so "chicken" is the only way I know how to explain what a chicken does). Obviously Nope had racial undercurrents, seen most effectually in the way non-white actors were seen by Hollywood, but the main horror of the aliens wasn't a metaphor. I don't think. Anyway, Danielewski's book is doing some weird fucking shit that's obviously right up his alley but it doesn't express itself as heftily as one might imagine. On the most shallowest of examinations, it's as if he's M. Night Shyamalan deciding to release a movie without a twist ending. Except, of course, it's not that at all and I should retract everything I've just written because Tom's Crossing isn't just a story about horses and freedom and the dead; it's also a story about audiences and how they retell stories and think about them and discuss them throughout their lives. Imprinted on the back cover of the hard-back book is the phrase "No one talks to the dead for free." What Mark's saying is that reading literature (the dead of the statement as most great literature was written by people long gone) does something to you; it changes you. And not just you. It changes every relationship you have. It expands the boundaries of our lives and thrusts us into a wider world, a larger narrative. Whereas Jordan Peele's first few movies were saying, "We need to discuss race in this country if we're going to come to grips with its history," Nope says, "Look, I told you what you need to know to understand this movie. We should be on the same page now." Tom's Crossing says, "I wrote House of Leaves 27 years ago and this is how it lives now: in the minds of its readers, constantly being chewed up and digested and regurgitated among fans. It still lives, growing and changing and remaking those who have read it." Is Nope commentary on Get Out? Is Tom's Crossing commentary on House of Leaves? I don't know! I don't even know if anything I just wrote makes sense! That's why I read comic books!

Alan Grant really can't be bothered to come up with creative names.

Last issue, the owner of the scary haunted castle was named Macabre. This issue begins with a guy with an axe in his head named Kadaver. I guess coming up with the name Zsasz burnt out Alan Grant's imagination for names. To top it off, his first name is Mortimer. You know! Morte? Death! Hmm, is this more clever than I'm giving Grant credit for? (Also, did Grant even come up with this character?!) Of course the big twist here is that Mort Kadaver isn't actually a cadaver; he's faking the whole axe in the head incident. He and his buddy, Jan Bodie (a Lennie Small type), have concocted this great prank to allow them to escape from prison disguised as a doctor and his patient. It works easily enough since Blackgate apparently only has one guard between the prison hospital and the exit. It's not long (four pages) before they're on the road in a prison van and speeding off to freedom. But they have nothing to do with The Human Flea. That's a whole second story happening in this issue. Two stories in one issue?! It doesn't seem plausible! Oh, that's because it isn't. "The Human Flea" is a two issue story!

Oh? Have people been hearing about this gross piece of shit? Is he the next big thing in Gotham villainy?

Sorry I'm being so judgmental about this guy's choice of persona but fleas are gross. Not as gross as Ticks but at least they're funny. I guess? God, I wish Alan Grant could have made this guy The Human Pubic Louse.

The Human Flea's weapon of choice is fleas. He just lobs a bunch of fleas at the bar owner and patrons who start screaming about being bit. Oh, come on! Flea bites don't hurt. Do they? If you're suddenly bit by dozens of fleas at once, what would it feel like? Maybe itchy? Like you're being tickled by a feather? I suspect it wouldn't hurt at all. This guy should have thrown a bottle of wasps at them. I get that his gimmick's good for escaping because he leaps at about the same size to distance ratio as an actual flea. But fleas as weapons is just pathetic. And kind of gross.

Batman just happens to be nearby and attempts to stop the Flea in mid-leap. It doesn't go so well for Batman as he's kicked in the chest by the Flea's super strong legs and winds up face planting on the roof of a nearby building. Thanks to the might of, um, resilin, The Flea manages to accelerate away too fast for Batman to follow. I'm not doing any extra research on "resilin"; I'm just taking The Flea's word that it's as super powerful and amazing as he keeps saying it is. If I was into doing research, I wouldn't be reading comic books. It's bad enough that I have to keep checking a dictionary while reading Tom's Crossing because Mark Z. Danielewski needs everybody to know that he's memorized the dictionary like Johnny Truant and Hal Incandenza.

I think Stelfreeze based the cover on this panel.

Oh! Remember there's a second story unfolding here! I guess Grant knew a story about a guy dressed as a flea wasn't going to fill much space so he added the story of Mort Cadaver escaping from prison with his forced accomplice Jan Bodie. They've fled to Mort Cadaver's secret lair: the de Vere mausoleum in the middle of a cemetery. Does "Vere" have something to do with "truth", as in "veritas"? I would know for sure if I had a friend who spoke French. But I don't know for sure because online translators, while never being great, have become utter garbage. Just tell me if "vere" means anything in the language I chose! Stop trying to detect other languages! Stop trying to autocomplete entirely new words! Why must every user interface experience assume that the user is a toddler with severe brain damage who's also extremely lazy and needs everything done for them?!

Anyway, here's Mort's office. Cozy!

Commissioner Gordon's truly gobsmacked at the idea of a Gotham villain being called The Human Flea. Did he recently get whacked in the head and forget about all the other villains in the city? Did he forget he works with a man in a bat costume? What's so fucking special about a guy dressing up like a flea?!

After coming to terms with the idea of a human flea, Gordon discusses the prison escapees with Batman. Apparently Kadaver was recently shot by The Penguin and discovered to have an inoperable brain tumor. He'll be dying any day. Gordon can't understand why a dying man would escape prison instead of spending his last awful shitty days behind bars. Um, is Gordon okay? How come he suddenly doesn't fucking understand anything about reality? A dying man wants to be free to die on his own terms? Shocking! A criminal dressing up as an insect? Unheard of!

Batman decides to let the cops handle Kadaver for now as he heads off to research The Flea.

So to be The Flea, he must know everything there is to know about them? Was Batman an expert on bats when he donned the costume? What about Robin?

Being that The Flea's using technology to allow him to leap all over the place, I'd guess an engineer would be a more likely culprit than a flea expert. It's not like you have to be a flea expert to gather fleas to throw at people you want to rob. You just have to be a filthy, disgusting person! In my mind, I keep replacing "flea" with "pubic louse" to make the story more entertaining. "The pubic louse isn't exactly bathed in glamour!" You're not kidding, Batman!

Also the main culprit on Batman's list is the owner of a Pubic Louse Circus. The main stage is a pudendum!

Meanwhile Kadaver begins preparations for his big death scene.

Was Kadaver the star of Dragonball Z?

Mort escaped with Jan Bodie because Jan Bodie was arrested for protesting for animal rights. That means he knows people who will be willing to break into a lab where they do experiments on animals without having to tell them his real plan of releasing a deadly plague across the city. And that, my friends, is why these two stories are being told together. Because fleas spread deadly diseases! So if Mort has got to die, so does everybody else in the world. It's a pretty logical psychosis, if you ask me. Why should history have any kind of continuity post me? Doesn't seem fair, really. I'm already angry that so much stuff happened before I existed. Seems rude when you get right down to it.

Batman investigates the owner of the flea circus and decides he can't be the flea because he's old and fat. But he sure does seem to be lying, thinks Batman as he swings away itching all over. The owner goes in the back room where his grandson is sleeping off his crime spree and yells at him to stop being The Flea or else Batman is going to fucking break all of the bones in their bodies. The grandson is all, "Oh, yeah, okay. Sure, grand dad. Just trying to help pay the bills around here seeing as how nobody fucking gives a shit about flea circuses, you old dope!"

There's still one more issue to go so I'm guessing the grandson will have to don the costume at least one more time. Maybe to help save Gotham from Kadaver's plague! Batman's going to need a flea expert to stop the spread of the disease. For, um, some reason. I mean, I guess it makes sense if you're a comic book.

The Ranking
I only have two serious problems with this story: 1. Batman believing that a guy dressing like a flea needs to actually know or be obsessed with fleas. Not all of his rogue's gallery have to be obsessive about shit. 2. No Satan worship. Parts come close, like how Kadaver's lair is a mausoleum and he's got the corpses uninterred and stacked up like his own private audience. But he doesn't cast any dark spells or perform any black masses or sacrifice any babies. It's probably unfair that I'm judging this comic and not every comic I've ever read for not being about Satanic worship but that's life, right? Sometimes you come so close to Satanism that you remind me it's a thing and then I'm disappointed that you didn't embrace that thing that you had no intention of embracing. But the mere reminder of its existence doomed you to fail in my eyes when I suddenly realized I wanted this to be about Satan worship. Sorry but I'm just as petty as every other person on the Internet who can't accept anything for what it is and judges it on what they thought it should be. We're all such fucking idiots who can't suffer whimsy or joy! I blame Republicans! Which, sure, isn't a surprise since they're vile and disgusting. Plus putrid. Also bloodthirsty. Did I say repugnant? Also smelly.

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #10 (March 1993)

Batman discovers a secret ruler of Gotham? More proof Grant invented the Court of Owls idea.

The Cover
Look, I might be wrong about that caption. I haven't read this comic book before. Not "I read it thirty years ago and don't remember it." I have never read this one. I just picked it up at my local comic book store (Excalibur! Hi Debbie! Hi Peter!) for basically cover price. Unless, of course, I already own it and it was stored — for some stupid reason that my brain thought was a good reason decades ago — separately from the other Shadow of the Bat comics. But none of that has anything to do with the cover though so, um, let's start again!

The Cover
Brian Stelfreeze depicts Batman as mostly shadow hovering and/or falling in a twisted Escheresque landscape. This suggests Batman is lost within Gotham which he should never be. He is the master of Gotham and knows every inch of it. So why has he lost a part of himself (lack of color!) and become trapped in this surreal hell without an obvious enemy in sight? It's an interesting and eye-catching cover which Stelfreeze desperately wants us to know was painted.

I don't know art. Did he want this textured result? Or did he forget the painting in the boot of his car over a long, hot day?

The Story
I'm a little bit sick of reading Batman comic books since I've been doing it for about four months now. And yet I went and purchased another stack of them just when I was about to bid a fond farewell to my issues of the Caped Crusader. I'm hating myself a little bit right now. Or a little bit more? It's hard to tell at my age. I've become so comfortably numb with my self-loathing that it's like a second skin. Sometimes I can even convince myself that I don't hate what I've become and actually embrace who I pretend to be. But then I remember that I've been pretending to be so many different people for so long that I'm not sure there ever was a real me at the foundation of it all. Well, if there is, that asshole's going to have to read a few more issues of Batman this month. Get fucked, sucker!

The issue begins with Batman arriving at a castle overlooking Gotham City. The Narrator explains that it took thirty years to build but when were those thirty years? Eighty years ago? Fifty? Thirty years ago so it was just finished which is why this is the first I'm hearing about this castle. I know I'm not a Bat-Scholar and know precious little about the DC Universe so maybe the fucking castle has been there forever. This could be one of those Morrison or Johns things where Alan Grant has dredged up the memory of an old Batman comic he read when he was six about a ghost castle outside of Gotham.

Grant begins the story in media res (as many comics begin but I think he's doing it legitimately and not where they show an action shot on the first page and then restart the story from the beginning) so we're not sure what led Batman to the castle. But Batman hints that a case he's been working on has led him there and he states explicitly why he's come.

To prevent murder!

As we can see, Batman lacks all respect for this thane. Of course he does. This guy doesn't own Gotham. He doesn't know Gotham like Batman knows Gotham. He's just a cheap John trying to purchase a quick thrill from Batman's lady. Well, a thrill that took thirty years so maybe not that quick. But the final act will probably be quick. Stupid men mostly being terrible at sex because they're selfish and they've trained themselves to ejaculate quickly before their mom walks in on them.

Dammit. How did I go from Batman to jerking off? Usually that train derails from that track when I'm discussing Robin. Not because I'm a pedo! Because he's a teenager whacking off all over Wayne Mansion and Alfred has to wash his disgusting sheets and socks and pretend he doesn't seen Robin's DNA all over everything.

Batman climbs onto the roof of the castle to find, as he explicitly states, an Escher-like landscape of stairs and multiple doors. He thinks, "The quickest way in," and then attempts one of the doors. How did he know that particular door was the quickest way in (also it wasn't)? Or does Batman just look at houses and think, "Aha! The quickest way in!" Then he walks in the door and nods knowingly at everybody who tried to get in through the chimney or the window. Although knowing Batman's history, isn't the quickest way in usually the skylight? Oh, that's probably why he went up to the roof! He was going to drop in via skylight! But it's a castle so he was foiled because castles almost never have skylights. Idiot.

After embarrassing himself by trying a false door, Batman gets down to some serious detective work.

Angus Macabre built this castle. He's now having a dinner party that will result in murder at 9:45 PM. Or so Batman believes. Maybe this is one of those House on Haunted Hill situations. You know. Some rich eccentric guy who wants to kill his wife hosts a party and fakes a haunting so a bunch of people are witnesses to how a ghost killed the guy's wife. Is that what happened in that movie? That's how I remember it!

Angus Macabre explains to his guests, in a thick Scottish accent, that they were invited to this party because of some kind of history they have with him. One other person was supposed to be invited as well: Thomas Wayne. But Bruce sent Angus a note saying, "Sorry to tell you but Thomas Wayne was shot in the face with his wife nearly thirty years ago. Regards, Batm--Bruce Wayne." The invitation itself must have alerted Batman to Angus's plan since he seems to suspect that Angus wants to murder everybody invited to the party. Why his father? What did he do to Angus?! I bet Angus was totally into Martha.

Eeek! That's almost as scary as the skeleton from House on Haunted Hill!

Angus Macabre tells a thirty year old tale which answers why they're all here. Thirty years previously, Angus's wife was about to have a baby. But the hospital was full to the brim with train crash victims and they had nobody who could deliver a baby. Thomas Wayne just happened to be nearby and declared he could deliver a baby even though that wasn't his specialty. Along with a nurse and an intern anesthetist, they were able to deliver Angus and his wife's baby.

Gross. I guess they did it wrong.

I guess Angus was upset that his baby was born so hairy and with buck teeth and also because his wife died while delivering it. Even thirty years before 1992, you couldn't just toss a baby in the trash can if it came out ugly after killing your wife. So Angus was now saddled with a disgusting baby and he blamed the doctor Thomas Wayne, the anesthetist Dale King, and the nurse Joan (now married to Dale) from so many years ago. He should have blamed his wife and either his dick or the caveman his wife fucked. Although maybe Batman's wrong? Maybe this dinner party is simply to celebrate his son's 30th birthday and he wants to thank the people who helped bring him into the world? I bet he's grown up to be a terribly disgusting yet successful man. Or a Batman villain!

After receiving the invite, Batman thought it was suspicious so he researched Angus Macabre. He discovered that Angus had tried to sue the city and everybody involved but eventually gave up and decided to build an insane castle instead. Obviously he's intent on revenge then, right? Or, and maybe I'm just an extreme optimist, celebration? This is just a cute little party for his horrid son, right?

At least there's cake.

Batman discovers the kitchen which seemingly hasn't been used for years, except maybe the cake pan and the rat poison. But while Batman investigates, he's ambushed by Lachlan the Monster Baby. I mean Lachlan the Monster Young Man of Thirty!

Another person at the party is some guy named Warren. I didn't mention him because I didn't know how he fit in but it turns out he was the lawyer who told Macabre he should drop his lawsuit because he didn't have a case. Okay, sure, he probably deserves to be killed. But not Dale and Joan! They did all they could and they didn't even throw up when they got a look at the hideous baby! You couldn't ask for more!

The lawyer slips up and says something about how Angus must know the truth which is why he brought them there to kill them. A-ha! So he does deserve to die! But Dale and Joan are just innocent victims who tried their best with 1960s medical technology!

Yes, Lachlan, yes! That is Baaaat-maaaaan!

Batman doesn't exactly beat the shit out of Lachlan but he does throw him to the ground and makes him cry. I'm used to Batman beating up mentally ill people but mentally handicapped people now? Come on, Bruce! Be better!

Apparently Joan and Dale did deserve to be sued for malpractice because they made some kind of deal with the lawyer to get the case dropped. But he's been blackmailing them ever since. Although wouldn't Thomas Wayne bear the brunt of the responsibility? He decided an intern was good enough for the procedure. And what would the nurse have done that went against Wayne's instructions that would cause her to be at fault? And since if anybody is to blame for the death of Macabre's wife it would be Thomas Wayne, then it was surely a tragic accident that could not have been avoided. Because we're not going to sully Thomas Wayne's name here. Are we?!

Batman realizes time is short so he teams up with Lachlan to save the day.

"I know you can't understand that I'm manipulating you to help me throw your father in jail but that's life, kid!"

After Angus winds up in jail for attempted murder, maybe Batman will hire Lachlan to help out Harold in the Batcave?

Batman winds up having to save everybody from the gun wielding lawyer who loses his mind at the thought that Angus might be trying to blackmail them. He learns that Angus was just trying to get everybody involved to show a little compassion for him and his son. Why after thirty years? I don't know. Maybe he ran out of money building the crazy castle for his son to play in and was hoping they'd feel bad for their part in his wife's death and give him a little charity. But in the end, they all just leave feeling a little sadder and maybe a little guilty. But I bet Bruce Wayne sent him a big fat check soon after! Maybe he even offered Lachlan a job for $100,000 a year!

The Ranking
I just love these Alan Grant one shots. I'd forgotten what it's like to read a mainstream comic book that doesn't spread the story out over six issues for future compilation considerations! Just a nice little story about Batman punching a mentally disabled person in the face and then bribing him to take him to his father so he can arrest him on suspicion of murder. Of course, the rat poison kept in the kitchen was actually meant for rats and didn't wind up in the cake at all so Batman felt pretty sheepish by the end of the story. Not only did he jump to a conclusion that could have seriously hurt an old man but he also knocked the shit out of his poor mentally disabled son! It truly wasn't one of Batman's better showings. But I'm glad the story was told so we could see one of Batman's rare fails! I mean, ultimately everything turned out okay. But Batman was fucking on the wrong track the entire time and was just lucky that a villain appeared in the lawyer that Batman could take out.