Justice League #20

All of the Batmen are just pretending to be dead.

The Review!
The last story was called "Timeless" and it felt like it was. This issue is called "Endless" so I've just killed myself.

Yeah, yeah. Get it all out of your system. "Suicide isn't funny, you asshole!" I know it isn't funny. But hyperbole when facing situations like having to read another Bryan Hitch Justice League story is funny! Just be thankful I didn't use the rape analogy that came to mind!

This story begins with The Flash leaning over a dying Jessica Cruz telling her not to die because he's going to get help. Here's a fun fact: he could have gotten help in the time it took him to tell her not to die! Instead he hangs around to hear her moan, "Barry? That you? Sorry, Barry. Sorr--." Read that bit from Jessica again but do it in the way a dying person would slowly drag it out. Now think to yourself, "If I were the fastest man in the world, why would I spend an eternity like that not getting help?" Now ask yourself this question: "Why did the comic book begin with this scene when it's obviously going to flashback to a day or two earlier when I turn the stupid page?" I can answer that one: "Bryan Hitch is a terrible writer!" If you don't like that answer, here's another one: "Brian Cunningham is a terrible editor!" Still not doing anything for you? One more: "Comic books are terrible and written for stupid people who have no ability to intelligently critique the way stories are told so they keep using this 'begin at a point in the story that hooks the reader before going back to the part of the story you deemed way too boring to keep the audience still feel you need to tell anyway' method of storytelling." The thing is, if you don't think beginning at the beginning is interesting enough, how about not going back to that part of the story? If you think you're being ballsy by beginning at the point where Jessica Cruz is dying, how about you keep telling the story from that point?

Hunh. When I turned the page, the story just kept continuing from this point. It's probably a fluke. It'll probably flashback any time now and just stay there. Until then, I guess I can pretend that Bryan Hitch has decided to do what almost no comic book writers ever do anymore. He's actually going to keep telling the story from the point he chose to start it!

Some guy in motocross gear is standing nearby with a Cosmic Jackhammer asking Flash why The Flash should live after The Flash killed "them." The Flash doesn't know what the guy is talking about but he does reveal he's a fan of South Park.

Totally inappropriate time to be quoting a cartoon, dude.

It's too bad I just scanned that picture because there's a wayward comma in the dialogue on the next page. Man, I would have really skewered Bryan Hitch in the caption of that one!

After the guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer, Barry flashes back to breakfast with Jessica. But in the flashback, he's all, "Wait. Didn't we already do this?" Then the cafe explodes in that way that cafes explode when somebody just outside of them begins using a Cosmic Jackhammer. The guy is still whinging on about his terrible life. "You killed her, killed them, took all I had away." Blah blah blah! Hopefully he's just insane and not another villain who became a villain because the Justice League failed to save the people he loved. I only mention that because Bryan Hitch has shown he's only capable of writing two stories. One story is where the Justice League believe a person is good and then find out the person is bad and have to stop them. The other story is how a bad person became bad because good guys didn't save his or her family personally. Sometimes both stories get combined into one story so it almost looks like Bryan Hitch knows how to write a third story.

Well, at least we know which story this is now.

It looks like Flash is going to have to Memento through this one as the Cosmic Jackhammer disrupts the way time flows around him. But I guess he's immune to it because of his link with the Speed Force giving him the ability to time travel. Now as the story plays backwards, it will give The Flash a chance to find out why this guy is so angry. Then he'll be able to stop the thing that caused this from happening and all of this will never have happened and Jessica won't die. Now that I've figure it out, can I stop reading it? Do I get a pass?

Barry winds up screaming at Jess to not die and lying to her about getting help. Then the angry guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer again and time reverses even further back in the story. It's a good thing time is flowing this way or else The Flash would never know how to deal with the conflict that needs to be dealt with in this plot. He's lucky he gets another chance at saving the woman he loves unlike that guy in Memento who can only manipulate events over and over again so that he feels some satisfaction in avenging the death of the woman he loved even though his ultimate goal is to save her life which he can't do. That's why he'll never fill that space on his chest with that tattoo declaring he did the thing he can't ever do.

When he finally gets far enough in the past, The Flash winds up warning the Justice League about this guy and his Cosmic Jackhammer. So they go to stop him and — guess what?! — they cause the disaster that kills his family by trying to stop the disaster that kills his family! Oh, time travel! What a capricious beast you are! Now how is The Flash going to stop this from happening?! Oh! I know! More time travel!

The Ranking!
-2! Here is a story that never needs to be told again: something happens that shouldn't have happened so somebody uses time travel to stop it from happening and succeeds so that the bad thing never actually happened. If you don't write that story, it's the same as having written that story. So please stop writing that story.

The Flash #5

Barry, that is impossible.

The Things!
• Barry Allen decided to tell Doctor Meena Dhawan that he's The Flash because she made googly eyes at him. I guess they're a couple now even though they only kissed at the end of the last issue. That was probably so Joshua Williamson can have one of them make a joke about how fast their relationship is moving.

• Meena is calling herself Fast Track. Ugh. I "ugh" because it's typical of The Flash comic book to bury the reader in puns and her name is because she can "track" other speedsters. But "Fast Track" is also a thing people say that has nothing to do with her powers! Which is what makes it a pun. I think.

• Meena winds up training Wally because he doesn't want anybody knowing he has powers. But she was all, "I know you have powers! Use your powers! I'm going to keep bugging you until you use your powers!" Wally eventually gives in and uses his powers. Luckily he likes it but there may come a time when he thinks back to this moment and realizes the older person abused her power and trust and got him to do something he wasn't yet ready to do.

• Godspeed attacks STAR Labs and steals the Speed Force from a bunch of the trainees. That's a good thing because there are way too many speedsters in this story.

• Meena is one of the speedsters and she not only loses her powers but her whole body as well. The Flash comes to help but he's too late and only finds her costume.

• August Heart was with Flash the entire time so how can he also be Godspeed? I'm sure there's an explanation! It probably has to do with time travel!

The Review!
This might just be the Rebirth comic book I care the least about. Look at how little I had to say about it! If I really cared about it, I probably would have asked some serious scientific questions like "How quickly can Fast Track and The Flash fuck without anybody being injured?" or "If Meena took a lover who suffered from premature ejaculation, could she use the Speed Force to orgasm more quickly?" or "Why isn't this comic book more entertaining?"

Justice League of America #6

Hey DC? You do remember that Batman is the only one of these characters without any kind of physical powers, right?

I'm sick of Batman being the most invulnerable hero in the DC Youniverse. Don't try to defend him, you assholes. You know it's true! I get the argument that because he doesn't rely on super powers for his own safety, he's more on his Bat-toes than everybody else. But even Bat-toes can't keep you from being shot in the face forever. How many times has this dick been punched by Killer Croc without anything but Alfred's shaky, arthritic stiches? This guy is unkillable for a reason that has nothing to do with his training and it certainly has nothing to do with super powers giving him invulnerability or regeneration. What's the real story, DC? Batman sold his soul to the devil, didn't he?

I don't even remember what was happening in this comic book because it had a Martian Manhunter interlude. I think they had just killed Darkseid and had become gods, right?

It begins with Aquaman finally coming to his senses and kicking the missionaries out of Atlantis. Fuck missionaries. Don't try to defend them! They're manipulative bastards trading goodwill and charity for the destruction of other people's cultures! Stop trying to convince everybody else of the lies you were too gullible to disbelieve!

But it's too late. The Atlanteans have become as brainwashed as a child born to ignorant parents perpetuating a false paradigm of reality.

The same shit is going down in Themyscira although at least Rao's missionaries are meeting heavy resistance there. They were prepared for armed conflict with Wonder Woman's boyfriend's in-laws.

Meanwhile in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman utters the variation of a phrase that no comic book character should ever utter because it means they're going to get their ass kicked immediately thereafter: "Is that the best you've got?" It's never the best they've got. They always have something better for just after some idiot asks that question. Superman learns his lesson and Rao stands over Clark's unconscious body and pisses in his mouth.

The Flash is still in 1961 because he's pro-fucking-up-everything-through-time-travel.

The Justice League can never just stop a bank robbery. Or a simple alien invasion. Or World War III. No. The fuckers always have to save absolutely everything all at once.

Flash hears a bunch of the usual comic book nonsense that characters spout when a writer can't be bothered to write a story stemming from motivation, cause, and effect. Instead this guy Vincent knows with some certainty thanks to some singing rocks that the end of everything is going to take place and he's trying to learn how and why it will come about so he can stop it. Vincent has now told Superman and The Flash about his certainty and they seem to believe him so now they're on the case to save forever! I think a step in the right direction would be punching Vincent in his throat so that he collapses and dies and stops fucking with the timeline since he's lining everything up to cause the end of forever so he can study how it comes about so he can stop it from happening. See how he needs to be stopped?

The Rao Missionaries complete their mission which was less brainwashing morons and more finding the location of Olympus so that they could send a dozen suicide bombers there to kill Earth's gods. Apparently the only god they recognize on Earth is Wonder Woman. Take that, Jesus and Allah and Thor and Ganesha!

Aquaman accidentally hitches a ride to Olympus and is blown up alongside Wonder Woman. Hal Jordan is still 250,000 years in the past and light years away from Earth where he's found another division of the Infinity Corporation. So I guess Batman is the only Justice League of America member left to save the day. Like the cover. Like always.

Justice League of America #6 Rating: No change. This issue would have been better if I hadn't had to wait so long for it and the story hadn't been interrupted by a story that belonged in the Martian Manhunter comic book. It's probably worth the cover price but only because most comic books cost $3.99 now. I don't actually think any comic book is worth that price but then what do I know about money? It seems expensive but some comic books from thirty years ago were $1.75 (due to Baxter paper and no ads!), so that isn't that much of a raise in price, is it? Although if you consider that Infocom was selling their text adventure games for $50 a pop and video games now cost $60 with a lot more work put into them, it seems like a royal buttfucking for comics to cost twice as much with less pages! Thanks a lot, comic books!

Justice League of America #2

That logo bites.

At the end of the last issue, the god of Krypton arrived on Earth. This happened after some aliens posing as The Infinity Corporation showed Superman a pile of dead other dimensional Supermen and then tricked the Justice League of America into battling the Parasite. During that fight, Green Lantern and The Flash got knocked through a wormhole to Oa and Wonder Woman went missing. According to this cover, they'll be back in time for the big fight with Rao.

This issue begins with Superman instantly buying the whole "god" thing and joining forces with Rao to "help him." Superman thought Rao was a myth right up until this moment and yet he totally buys into the Kryptonian god act? Superman doesn't ask why Earth needs to be saved. Superman doesn't ask what needs to be done. For being the Best Friend of the World's Greatest Detective, Superman hasn't learned a God Damned thing!

Superman might agree to this but Batman will nip it in the bud pretty fucking quickly.

The media reports on the arrival of an alien ship are realistically portrayed in the comic book. They work the crowd asking inane questions and, in so doing, find out nothing about the alien ship. They do find out that two people are in love and a blind man can feel and see the intense radiation coming off of the ship. They also report that the ship looks threatening but broadcast a message of peace across all wavelengths and all media. So what you're saying is it disrupted communication all over the world?! And the United States Government hasn't thrown a few nukes at it? What are they waiting for? It's not like they've ever trusted Superman in the entire run of The New 52, so why believe him when he vouches for the aliens?

Also, Batman really looks ridiculous walking through a crowd of people, none of which are dressed in an animal costume.

And just like that, Aquaman is my favorite character!

You would think Aquaman would believe in Poseidon since one of his best friends is the Greek god of war. I would think he would have asked her about Poseidon and she would have told him what a huge douchebag he was. But I imagine that Aquaman and Wonder Woman don't really spend a lot of time talking with each other. I bet that scene in Finch's Wonder Woman where Diana hugs a teddy bear while telling Aquaman that being a woman in the modern world is really, really hard is the only real conversation they've shared in the last five years.

Aquaman allows the Kryptonian missionary to hang about the place trying to convert Atlanteans to Raoism. If I were Aquaman, I would have made a kingly decision and thrown him out on his ass. Not because I think the Atlanteans would need protection but because why even allow somebody you know is a total fraud to run around annoying the populace? Missionaries are the worst of the worst. They're culture murderers. They're no better than aggressors that would sweep through a town and raze it to the ground. Missionaries destroy just as much as pillagers and vandals. It's just that after missionaries are through, the buildings might still be standing but little left of the people and their culture remain. Besides, this Prophet of Rao probably has magical alien mind control abilities which the Atlanteans will be more susceptible to than the rest of the world. Why else would he target them? Maybe they have other resources Rao is interested in? Like dolphin semen and dried Dugong dicks.

Here's a joke I just made up! What's the difference between the missionary position and missionaries on a mission? The first gets you fucked in the vagina, the second gets you fucked in the ass.

Since God spoke to Moses? I think that's Perry's hint that he doesn't care if somebody fabricates the entire story.

Rao wants to start a ministry with Superman's help and Superman seems up for it. Either he himself was (once again!) mind-controlled or he's the biggest dope in the super hero community. My guess is that when he touched Rao, his mind was manipulated in some way. Superman really needs to figure out a way to protect against being controlled by other people. All it takes is one wanna-be Hector Hammond to take over Superman and the world is over. He might not be a danger in the xenophobic, racist way that Lex Luthor and, apparently, 97% of the people living in the DC Universe think he is but he's definitely a danger to the planet if he can't stop getting brainwashed and taken over by magic.

Batman and Cyborg head back to the Batcave to do some research and have some tea. The tea is Earl Grey and the research is on how to kill Rao. That research is easy because Batman already has a large file on how to kill Superman and he's pretty much a Kryptonian god too, right?

Batman wants to know Rao's agenda and Cyborg seems to think it's peace on Earth. Except Rao simply said, "I have come to save you." That's pretty vague! Jumping to the conclusion that that means "peace on Earth" is the kind of non-detective bullshit that Batman wants to avoid.

Lois Lane keeps busy writing the article for J. Perry Jameson. It's full of misused punctuation and sentence fragments. It might have been written by me!

Rao invites a bunch of people aboard his "cathedral" to speak with them. After the run in with Ulysses and the big trick he pulled getting loads of people onto his ship, shouldn't Superman have some doubts about this? That was another person visiting Earth and promising peace and eventually turning out to be a fraud. That's how it always happens! It never deviates from that model! Batman should have thrown a batarang at it as soon as it arrived since he's going to be doing that eventually anyway. And he knows it!

This is definitely not The New 52 Earth because when has anybody trusted Superman at all during the last few years?

Look, I don't care if this story doesn't exactly fit into the current timelines happening in the other DC Comic books right now. In the long run, that doesn't matter. But what I would like is some consistency in the world and the character in stories told within just a few years of each other (without, you know, a Reboot between them).

Rao sends his prophets to "pray" a bunch of sick people to health and all he asks in return is their unending fealty and faith. Some compassionate god! If he were really compassionate, he'd do it without demanding anything! The greedy son of a whor...err, I mean, virgin, probably.

Rao continues to suck Superman's dick and tell him everything he wants to hear. Batman mopes and pouts around the Batcave worried about all the horrible people Rao is healing. Shouldn't he be judging and condemning?! Stop being so loving and compassionate, Rao! Bruce can't handle it!

Clark finally remembers that Diana disappeared that first night along with Hal and Barry. He doesn't seem too worried because he's a horrible boyfriend. Also he's probably under some kind of mind-control, remember? The issue ends with Diana waking up amidst the destruction of Olympus. Whoops! I guess Rao is just here to feed on Earth's gods and gain their power. I imagine Jesus Christ and Allah are probably dead already too. And whoever the Mormon's worship. Cowboy Jesus Christ?

Justice League of America #2 Rating: No change. I think this is an Elseworlds book, right? It must be because I barely recognize anybody. Even Alfred was all, "The Bible says great things about God, Master Bruce!" It can't be the real New 52 universe because Aquaman is the greatest character I've ever read in this book! If this Aquaman were allowed to marry New 52 Mera and they could star in a comic book called Aquaman Loves Mera and they could have lots of adventures and be bad-ass, it would probably sell at least one copy because I'd buy it. If I remembered to put it on my pull list.