Justice League: Gods and Monsters #3

This pseudo-X-Men story even has a Sentinel!

This comic book series asks the big question that nobody really wants a fucking super hero comic book to ask but it won't shut the fuck up about it. It's like a two year old constantly asking question after question! If you want to know when five hours is up so I'll let you out of the closet, learn to tell time, you parasite! Um, anyway, the question being asked is this: What if our heroes were scary and out of control monsters instead of loving and peaceful gods like the ones none of our religions are actually founded on? You know how you're supposed to love and fear God at the same time? That also makes him a monster, right? How can one feel safe when the person supposed to be keeping them safe also scares the shit out of them? Do we really want people like that in power? That's a rhetorical question because apparently most people in America want monsters in power. But I digress so let me start a new paragraph.

At some point in the modern age, writers decided to let reality intrude in comic books. No longer could stories be about a heroic figure that exemplified goodwill and compassion whom everybody trusted implicitly. Perhaps that gray (or grey) area had always been there because Stan Lee was all, "What if the Fantastic Four had real problems?! Kids would be way more into that than those gay characters at National Comics! Or DC, depending on what they were called at the time. Who knows? I'm just a fictional version of Stan Lee who forgot that 'gay' had a very different connotation in whatever decade I'm supposed to be in while saying this! Not to mention that it's way inappropriate to use 'gay' as an insult in whatever actual decade the person is in who is reading this right now! Unless 'gay' makes a huge comeback as an insult in the next century after the Homoerotic Wars of 2115! Hopefully the internet survives that long and isn't destroyed by trolls and anti-trolls and anti-anti-trolls!"

I forgot what my point was again.

Oh yeah! At some point, comic book writers felt like they were destroying any suspension of disbelief if they didn't acknowledge all of the grey (or gray) areas that would exist if a superhero were in the real world. And from there, every single story became some version of the stupid fucking absolute power corrupts saying. You know the one. I think it was from the preface of The Art of War by Richard Marx. This story is kind of like that. What if the Justice League were here to help save the world from threats but they were so fucking scary that nobody realized they were actually trying to help? A vampire?! A super strong woman capable of stepping over a puddle on her own and opening her own doors?! A Mexican-immigrant that didn't need a helping hand from liberals?! Holy shit! I need a new pair of underwear already!

You know what was really scary? Dr. Phibes Rises Again! It was on last night when I got home from work and I think it was a horror movie? Or a comedy? Or one of those Abbot and Costello/Universal Monsters mashups? I couldn't really tell because it was making me laugh when I think I was supposed to be horrified.

The other problem with this series (at least in the first two issues) is that it just felt like an X-men versus the Brotherhood of Evil story. A bunch of super powered people fighting to determine which super powered people's attitude toward normal people would win out. Are they their saviors? Are they their superiors? Are they supposed to protect them or enslave them?! Do they act condescending and patronizing constantly or just sometimes? Well, the Brotherhood of Evil was mostly destroyed at the end of Issue Two but now the Justice-Men have to battle a Sentinel with the mind of Alpert Magneto inside of it. And all the while, Lois Lane is writing a scathing article about the Justice League. I would have said "expose" instead of "article" but I can't be bothered to figure out how to do an e with an accent on it.

Come on, Wonder Woman! Do you think you should judge everybody by who they were fifty years ago?! People can change! Look at me?! I'm no longer a non-existent nothing! I've developed into an actual human being with sentience and existence and the ability to fill up space and waste time! Go me!

As the Justice League battle Imperiex the Sentinel, Lois Lane describes the battle in her story. Somehow she has access to reports on the battle from people who also weren't at the battle and she admits in her article that she doesn't even know if the events she's describing actually happened. Some fucking reporter! You know Clark Kent never hedged about the veracity of his Superman stories! He was a great reporter!

Imperiex's plan is to download his consciousness into every single living person on Earth so that everybody will get along and have a good time. I suppose that would work although it seems to be the comic book fascist go-to plan! Assimilation equals paradise! Doesn't Imperiex realize how boring it will be if he is everybody? He'll never again feel the excitement of another person reaching down the front of his trousers for the first time because he'll be that person and he'll know it's coming and he's done it so many times before that it won't ever be the first time again! Not that I'll ever experience that feeling again either unless somebody surprises me and does it without my consent. Wink, wink. The winking was my consent but not really consent because I can't be a party to asking somebody to do that because I'm in a committed relationship!

Imperiex hypnotizes the Justice League and uses them to battle the humans while he begins downloading his consciousness. So the Justice League kills a bunch of innocent people who are trying to defend the world. This is more of that crap that happens in modern comic books that shouldn't fucking happen because it ruins the ultimate reason for having superhero comic books in the first place. If the populace believes the heroes are a threat to mankind while the heroes deny that they're dangerous because their intentions are good but then become mind-controlled and threaten the populace, the heroes are a threat to the populace! They can't be both heroes and villains and still simply be heroes. Once they're used by a villain to kill a single person, the hero is a danger to the world and needs to take responsibility to protect the world from themselves. I'm not interested in tainting heroes like this. If people really enjoyed stories like this, newspapers wouldn't be tanking all over the country. Because they're all about people in authority failing the people they're supposed to be helping! Did you get that in my previous statement? Did I need to explain myself because I felt I needed to explain myself. I just don't trust that anybody reading anything on the internet is smart enough to understand anything they're reading. Oh, I know they'll purposefully misunderstand anything they can so they can rant and rave about whatever fucking issue they're dealing with! But do they have any actual reading comprehension at all? I tend to err on the side of "they don't."

Anyway, Wonder Woman's Mother Box saves the Justice League from Imperiex's mind-control and then Boom Tubes the combatants to Pripyat where they could destroy as much property as they wanted without anybody getting hurt. If by "anybody" you mean human beings. I'm sure lots of wildlife were killed. Although who cares because they were probably mutants and evolutionary dead-ends anyway!

Should a reporter be this cynical, sarcastic, and biased?! I mean, I know critics should be that way! But Lois Lane is a respected reporter and not me!

There's more fighting. Lots of fighting. Punches and shit. It all comes down to fighting! But not just fighting individually! They need to work together! They need to become the Justice League! And later, Lois Lane will write a poorly researched article (I suppose she's just writing an "editorial" but then why am I reading it?!) about the events so that everybody gets riled up against the Justice League. Or so she can prove that she wasn't fooled if they ever do go rogue. She can point back at this horrible article she wrote when they first appeared on the scene as the Justice League and scream, "See?! See! I warned you! I warned everybody! Pay attention to me!" But nobody will pay attention to her because they'll be fleeing for their lives as the city is destroyed around them and Lois Lane's "I told you so"s.

Lois Lane's article quotes from some government testimonials given by the Justice League after the battle. They're interspersed with Lois Lane's written eyerolls and jerking off motions.

The Justice League defeats and kills Imperiex. After that, the United States government invades Russia to pick them up.

Who are the real monsters?! Probably critics like me!

Lois Lane does makes some good points at the end of her story although by then I'm mostly disappointed with her bullshit. It's about how superheroes should not be running around solving every problem with violence. Hey! I totally agree with that! But Lois Lane doesn't have to tell the reader that! She needs to direct her comments to the Superman editorial staff! Tell them how Superman shouldn't be punching everybody in the face! Tell them how he's so powerful and invulnerable that he doesn't need to resort to violence! Almost every encounter should be Superman walking right up to the bad guy, taking them by the scruff of their neck, and hauling them to prison. But writers think that kind of story is too boring! So Superman has to constantly encounter creatures more powerful than he is even though he's supposedly the most powerful person in the DC Youniverse. The real problem is that most of the writers on Superman (and all of the editors!) are lazy and unimaginative slobs who have no fucking idea what Superman represents.

And then Lex Luthor becomes the Charles Xavier of the Justice-Men!

Justice League: Gods and Monsters #3 Rating: It wasn't horrible. It just happens to be a story I don't want to read in comic books anymore. Can't writers just use the X-men when they want to write a story about the populace's xenophobic fear?! I'm almost never in the mood for a story about how heroes might be perceived in the real world. How about we just all agree that the good heroes are good heroes and the only people who hate them are bad guys and their henchmen? I'm okay with suspending my disbelief for that to be a regular part of the DC Youniverse. I mean, I guess Batman can be feared by everybody because that's kind of the point of Batman. He's a bogeyman but only if you step out of line. But some people will still be scared because they aren't sure what Batman would consider stepping out of line! But can't Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern and The Flash be seen as the heroes they constantly are? I guess not when they're always being mind-controlled and turning on the populace. Which, now that I've mentioned it, can that be stopped as well? Stop giving the populace of the DC Youniverse good reason to fear them! Christ, people. Do I have to go down to your offices with my yardstick and start slapping asses?!

Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special #1

This is why The Joker is trying to kill off The Batman.

Happy Valentine's Day! Remember how everybody you know probably made some kind of Friday the 13th joke about Valentine's Day this year? That was pretty funny! Pretend I said the funniest line you remember. Go ahead. Just attribute it to me. Any time you think, "I wonder who said that witty, wonderful, and charming thing?", just convince yourself it was Tess who said it! It probably was anyway!

The issue begins with Harley Quinn imitating Jack Sparrow. But some killjoy comes up and tells her to try acting like everybody else and to stop endangering her own life by having fun. His philosophy probably has something to do with living as long as humanly possible no matter how fucking boring and mundane that life is. Me? I want to go out in a big flaming explosion of doughnuts and blow jobs! Preferably blow jobs being performed on me but I'll take what I can get as long as their are doughnuts and explosions as well.

On second thought, I'd like to live through that. Please don't make me die ever.

How many crap jokes is this poor guy going to have to endure?

Over in Gotham City which is a totally different place than New York (somehow), Bruce Wayne learns that he's to be auctioned off for charity. Some lucky lad or lady is going to pay to go on a date with Bruce Wayne! It will just be dinner, of course. Unless the winner is hot enough to extend dinner into a night of rough fucking. And if she's super duper hot and intelligent and artsy, Bruce may even confide in her about his secret life as Batman and she can look forward to a horrible untimely demise at the hands of one of The Batman's many enemies! Perhaps The Mighty Carp?

The big twist surprise that nobody was expecting comes on the next page where Harley learns about Bruce Wayne's charity date and decides she needs to win the auction so she can break off a piece of Kit-Catwoman's Bat. Harley calls Tony up to plan a few robberies targeting some of the most vile people in America. You know, the rich ones that got rich by any means necessary. The ones that grew up realizing that the easiest way to win Monopoly was to be the banker and just fucking steal as much money out of the bank as possible while nobody else was looking. And then lie about where all the money came from!

Is this foreshadowing for the jokes at the Mighty Carp's expense later? I mean other than just being true. Napping and crapping are some spectacular activities.

Harley falls asleep and we learn that Harley's beaver talks in her sleep. That's weird.

Harley dreams about a life with Bruce Wayne. She dreams about herself in a polo outfit and diamond underwear and a bikini and an evening gown. It's a shame she isn't dreaming about a life with Pamela Isley. Then Poison Ivy could be in a polo outfit and diamond underwear and a bikini and an evening gown! But instead she dreams about Bruce who wants so many kids that she kills and eats him and flushes him down the toilet (after pooping him out of her behind). I guess napping while dreaming about crapping is as good as it gets. But Harley doesn't like the talk of children, so she wakes up in a cold sweat. People only ever have a cold sweat when they have a nightmare or when their spouse is about to talk to the person they've been fucking behind their spouse's back.

After waking from the nightmare, her beaver hasn't quite gotten enough so it suggests she think sexy thoughts and go back to sleep to try again. Maybe this time she'll dream about Poison Ivy and Harley's beaver will be satisfied.

Yay! Somebody's waking up with goopy underwear!

Later that night, Tony and Harley take an Ice Cream Truck and head out to rob some rich asshole that totally isn't based on some other rich asshole. It doesn't take long because Harley beats the guy with a bat and smashes a Ming vase over his head and breaks his kneecaps with a hammer. And that was all after the guy tells them where he keeps his money! Um, mostly. I guess the first thing she did was hit him with the bat while saying this really hilarious pun that I can't even remember now. But oh boy was it a good one!

Meanwhile The Carp has acquired a sidekick named Sea Robin and a magical formula that allows him to leap great distances. Like a carp, I guess. He has yet to hear a crap joke. But then, he's yet to run into Harley as well.

I guess everybody attending the event expected a few of the bidders to get this out of control since nobody seems to care about the woman bleeding out in the middle of the ballroom.

Harley tries to stop The Carp from robbing the place but is laid out by a Taser net. Then Bruce Wayne is covered in Puffer Fish poison and begins to hallucinate a life with Harley Quinn. I'm beginning to sense a pattern with these Harley Quinn One Shots!

Harley figures that if she's sleeping with Batman, she might as well be his new Robin. I didn't mean for that to sound as perverse as it does. Oh, what the heck. Yes I did. The Dynamic Doing It With Each Other have a case to solve that involves Catwoman stealing some cat thing! How despicable!

Hopefully Harley doesn't investigate all the names in that little Black Book because I bet most of them are dead and that would make things weird between her and Batman.

Bruce Wayne wakes up to find himself kidnapped by The Carp who wants five million dollars in ransom or Bruce Wayne dies. Using his greatest detective skills, it looks like Bruce is going to find out that Carp wants to use the money for a good reason and will end up cutting him a check for his freedom. But maybe not before Harley mounts a rescue attempt that will fail spectacularly! At least she's bringing in Poison Ivy to help out. So if she doesn't get to fuck Bruce, she'll definitely be fucking Pamela.

Harley goes in alone with tear gas just as Bruce strikes a deal with The Carp. Hopefully she doesn't kill The Sea Robin with a crowbar because that might fuck Bruce up a little bit.

This was cute and made up for the part where Harley said, "Squeeee."

After the "rescue," Harley and Bruce go on their date where Bruce learns that Harley is really turning her life around. At least the parts of her life she admits to. I notice she doesn't mention the crap catapult or the occasional mindless killing.

The exact moment The Joker decided Batman needed to finally die.

No wait! Maybe this was the exact moment!

Apparently Batman practices kissing like a cold fish when he's in the cowl. That's why Catwoman likes him so much! You know? Because cats like fish! Batman must also spray some kind of Bat-De-Cologne-ifier on himself when he puts on the costume, especially immediately after going on a date as Bruce Wayne.

Harley Quinn basically tells Batman to get the fuck off of her building and fly back to "his" stupid fucking city. He threatens to stalk her and then flies away happy that he took bad kissing lessons.

Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special #1 Rating: Hasn't Harley reached critical mass yet? I wonder if it's the success of this title that made DC Comics see the error of their ways in selling continuity to their fans. This title has next to no ties with the regular DC Universe and yet it sells like flapjacks on a day when people are really hungry for flapjacks. This along with Batgirl's new upbeat makeover and Gotham Academy's super fricking fucking cuteness overload may have awakened DC Comics to the possibility that fun, whimsical comics are a good thing. They can still have dark and desperate in some titles. But not every fucking title has to be a huge boner killer. I'm really looking forward to the June makeover, especially if they keep The New 52 universe but allow for some major flexibility with stories in other universes. They don't all have to take place in the same universe, guys! You've got 52 of them! Maybe one of them should be a world where every person but Barbara Gordon is in a wheelchair! They can all be computer whizzes and she can't even figure out a calculator! Not even one of those programmable ones which overconfident parents often buy their kids only to realize later that their kids don't even know what most of the buttons mean.

Earth 2 #30

Why is everybody worried about Apokolips?! Cthulhu has been awakened!

I'm really not very interested in this comic book any more so I apologize for my mood ahead of time. As that fucking cow Mrs. McFarland noted on my report card, I let my "mood" affect the way I participate. Well excuse me, Mrs. Judgy McMindyourownbeeswax! I began kindergarten at four years old! What kind of four year old doesn't let their mood affect the way they act?!

I should actually be speaking kindly of Mrs. McFarland. She had the patience and took the time to get a kid that stubbornly refused to do anything asked of him to eventually feel comfortable enough to participate in class activities. Throughout my scholastic career, I benefited greatly from teachers knowing when to be hands off and just leave me be (which was often as I tended to flare up and have a huge tantrum whenever I felt an assignment was worthless, or too much extra work). I don't ever remember having a teacher that felt they needed to be so in control that they fought me over any of the shit I adamantly refused to do. It takes a strong and patient teacher to realize that doing nothing can often be a successful solution when dealing with a kid that just will not work within your system (or, as I believe my case quite possibly was, is entirely incapable of working within it). By the end of high school, I had learned the tricks that would get everybody to simply leave me alone. I would pass barely noticed in the back of the class. The main trick was to finish homework assignments. This was easily accomplished by doing homework in class instead of participating. And of course, I had to do well on tests so nobody felt they needed to pay any extra attention to me. Both of these were easy enough, and they seemed to be all parents and teachers cared about. My cousin used to struggle constantly with the homework part, arguing that if he did well on the tests than why does he have to do the homework? That seemed like a nightmare to me! Didn't he know everybody would leave him alone and he'd have more free time to do what he liked if he just did the homework? I didn't give a shit whether or not I was "buying" into the system since I didn't give a shit about the system. All I knew was I could do whatever I wanted after school and he was busy in detention or grounded or being watched over by his mom to make sure he did his work.

After the first few years of elementary school, by about third grade when I met my best friends for years, I was mostly comfortable with school. I spent so much time inside my own head that it barely seemed to matter where my body was. I read a lot and just looked forward to anything that was extra-curricular: reading, singing, recess, lunch! The only thing I truly feared in school were the oral reports. I once gave an oral report on glaciers that was copied word for word out of a fifties encyclopedia. But just as my report began, the geography teacher was called out of the room by another teacher for some hallway mini-conference. He told me to continue and he was gone for the entire report. When he came back in, he asked Simon Raines how I had done and good old Simon simply said it was great. I probably should have slipped him my lunch money that day. Except I always brought a bag lunch. I guess I could have given him my Pringles.

I thought Rot was The Grey?

Why does the Avatar of the Green, who is ostensibly a plant, have breasts? Maybe they're just burls.

At the Parliament Enclave, the colors have gathered to recite poetry. First White goes:

White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
I refract the light! I'm not uptight! I help with flight!
I'm cold at night! And not quite shite despite my bite!
White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
Like the chickens, dog!

White's Avatar was the human that most fit the poem. That human was Sam Zhou.

Green doesn't have a poem but it probably would go something like this:

Green is serene.
Not mean.
It's green.

And that is Alan Scott!

Sure the Blue would follow. Even though Blue's story begins "eons before."

Blue's poem went a little something like this:

"What is madness but wonder unchecked?
Love but the dream of the self bereft?
Knowledge nothing but innocence wrecked?
And what am I to you?

Beauty is simply a mask over death.
Hope exists only when nothing is left.
Life but scant moments spent catching one's breath.
Please, what am I to you?

Was ambition your fear driven by stress?
Success someone else's taken through theft?
Could I've given more? Could you've given less?
I know what I am to you."

And Blue's avatar was the Great Old One, Azathoth! Although it really should be Cthulhu since Cthulhu is the one under the sea and Azathoth is more the scary monstrous something at the edge of dreaming or reality or something.

And then Red gets to do Red's poem although I think Red is a bit more into violence than poetry, so we'll see how that goes.

She's talking about names like slut and cunt and bitch! Unless she's talking about names like skank and cocksucker and butthole! Or sexy and chula and big breasted booty babe!

Red's poem goes something like this:

Library cats are dangerous!
Don't look them in the fucking eye!
Don't touch their feet because they hate that!
Rub their belly if you want to lose your hand!
Library cats! Yes! Library cats!
They're in your chair when you just got up for one fucking second!
Don't try to move them because they'll act like they've been there all day and you don't have any right to your stupid fucking seat!
That one's staring at you and staring at you and staring at you and staring at you!
Do you have meat on your face or something?
No wait! Now it just ran up a shelf and knocked down five books and is licking its paw like nothing fucking happened!
Oh yeah! Library cats!

The Red's avatar is Yolanda Montez. Some people remember her as Wildcat! I call her Library-Cat!

Earth 2 #30 Rating: No change. This book has nothing to do but tell back stories and tell inconsequential tales and do pretty much nothing but waste time since all of the important stuff now happens weekly over in World's End.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #11

Doomed is Superman's Knightfall except his enemies are escaping the Phantom Zone rather than a poorly secured old timey mansion.

This issue begins with another crappy article by Lois Lane although this might be the one with the least amount of editing errors. I don't know where she's finding time to publish these articles when she's been so busy trying to enslave the world and now she's busy trying to free it. She probably has Jimmy Olsen under some kind of mind control and forcing him to write and publish the articles for her. That explains why they've been so awful and why the accompanying photos that Jimmy obviously couldn't have taken were attributed to him.

The first chapter of Last Sun was entitled "Assimilation." That means chapter two should probably be called something other than "Assimilation." But it isn't. It isn't at all called something different. Chapter Two, and here's the twist that the smarter readers may have already seen coming, is called "Assimilation." I don't actually think both chapters were called "Assimilation" though. I just think whoever has been in charge of the Doomed! title pages over the last few issues doesn't have a job in comics anymore.

At the end of the last chapter of Doomed, Mongul and Non had escaped the Phantom Zone. Remember Non as played by Jack O'Halloran?!

Other roles played by rocky faced Jack: Yeti, Ooloo the Giant, Moose, and Truck.

The first few pages of this issue have Mongul and Non retreating back into The Phantom Zone because they're not afraid of being bottled by Brainiac at all. No, no. Mongul just remembered that he forgot to turn the Warworld oven off. And Non just remembered that he preferred battling Superman when he could use his super breath for five minutes to fit in all the great sight gags that the producers forced the writers to put into the script.

Superman II Producer X: "What if we have the villains use their super breath on downtown Metropolis? Then we can see a guy about to eat an ice cream cone and the ice cream can fly off the cone and into somebody else's face!"
Superman II Producer Y: "Oh yeah! And we'll have a bunch of cars flip by and then some guy on roller skates can zoom past backwards!"
Superman II Producer Z: "Oh! Oh! Then some movie producers can be just about to suck down some blow when their snow goes flying off the black granite bathroom counter top and straight up the nose of some big breasted bombshell that immediately takes off her clothes and starts banging the producers!"

Not all of their ideas made it into the movie.

Superman and J'onn head off to rescue Steel, Lana, and Cyborg. Luckily J'onn is heading up this mission because the only plan Superman could come up with was to put them in the Phantom Zone.

"--but the men are taking care of things."

I don't like that Superman and Martian Manhunter are fighting side by side without my first having seen an on-panel apology by J'onn for attacking the entire Justice League back when he was allowed to join. I'm going to hold Superman's grudge for him. Batman can carry his own grudge.

For maybe twice in the last 75 years, Batman doesn't have a plan. Okay, maybe this is actually the first time he doesn't have a plan in 75 years because have you reread Knightfall lately? I think Bruce planned getting his own back broken! What a tricky bastard, that one! But Wonder Woman and Superman each have their own plan. Superman will purposely stress himself out so that he has an outbreak of Doomsday Simplex 2. This will hopefully give him enough power to destroy Brainiac's ship but he may also get stuck as Doomsday again. Wonder Woman heads into The Phantom Zone to see if she can rent Warworld. She is the God of War, after all! That's practically her vehicle by right!

Hmm. I thought there would be more to it after Wonder Woman called to Mongul and Superman confronted his Doomsday mental demon. But the final few pages just confirm what I said was going to happen in the last paragraph so I'm suddenly out of story to comment on! How about I say this: remember when Superman had a zombie Lana Lang from another reality living in his head? Why isn't she hanging out with Doomsday?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #11 Rating: No change. This was a pretty quick read. I really enjoy quick reads because it allows me to do things other than comment on DC Comics! Like go see Dave Foley. And play Titanfall. And read The Last Unicorn which I've only read one sentence of so far. Something about a stupid, lonely unicorn living in a lilac wood or something. I hope the entire book isn't going to be about a unicorn! I hope there's some bumbling magician as well! And a monstrous red bull! That would be cool. Also, there should probably be some virgins since unicorns really love virgins for some reason. Virgins are only good for one thing! Quieting volcanic gods! And they're not even really needed for that! Threatening to throw virgins into volcanoes is simply a way to get young people to put out quickly. "Hmm. Volcano is rumbling again. Probably needs a few tight assed virgins to quiet it down." Suddenly virgins are fucking everything that moves!