Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16

Hey. Hey Tumblr. Lesh me tellsh you a shecret. You're drunk. No wait. I'm drunk. You're kind of cute. Can I put my hand in your crotsch? Yeah. Here I go! Going down. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Um. Uh. Tumblr? Do you have a crotsch? Your torsho jusht keepsh goink and goink and goink. You're weird. Imma not gonna fuck you now. Good bye.

Hey. Hey Blogshpot, you whore.

End scene! That was my short play, Drunk Guy Fucks Internet. I'm going to win a Pulitzer! Do you win those for plays?

Last issue of Superman Loves Wonder Woman was, surprisingly, garbage. You might think it brings a thrill to my black little hole where my soul would be if souls existed to shovel shit all over a comic book I found poorly written but then you'd have another think coming. I mean, you would if you wanted to keep thinking thoughts until you thought the correct thought. I don't like trashing a comic book written by a writer that I've grown to respect. Peter Tomasi has done some fine work for The New 52 (and apparently some fine Preboot stuff too but how would I know about that stuff? I didn't exist before September 2011. I mean, I didn't start reading comic books until I was summoned from the 34th Plane of the Abyss before September 2011. I mean, I began reading comic books again in September 2011). And since he's written some of my favorite stuff, I hate to slap him in the head and scream, "Don't do bad writing!" I found that doesn't work for Lobdell and Nocenti but it's fun slapping them anyway. Also, I don't believe in actual physical violence. I'm just writing words here, words that express an imaginary situation.

I forget what the point of that last paragraph was going to be so let's move on to the comic book, shall we?

The issue begins with little David Magog remembering his mother being taken away by Parademons five years ago.

"NO! Fuck you Superman and Wonder Woman! How dare you not have any part of my mother being stolen by alien beings!"

I'm glad nobody can see my memories like this! Because when my mom was bleeding out in the car accident, I yelled, "Mom! I hope you have your will squared away so I don't have to worry about a ton of bureaucratic nonsense!"

That was a lie. My mom is still alive. She calls me to discuss Walking Dead every other week or so. She's the one to thank that I'm incapable of emotion because I buried the heart of my secret self deep within me. It was the only way to not completely flip the fuck out when she would watch horror movies with me every weekend. I was just a kid! I thought it was fun! I had no idea it was going to wear my psyche down to a fine polish so that everything in life just slips right past it. Now I can't love and I can't take anything seriously and I keep the rotting carcasses of neighborhood children in my basement.

Shit man. This commentary is getting dark! Maybe I should give you guys my mother's phone number so you can call her and yell at her for ruining my life! Or you could just call her up and discuss the Walking Dead with her. She'd totally love that!

Is that weird that Wonder Woman trusts her mother? Is that a common thing? You might understand why I ask that after having read the previous few paragraphs.

For some reason, Circe doesn't like Wonder Woman. It might have been explained last issue. Or it might be explained in a page or two by Circe herself since villains love to, you know, spill the beans. Literally?

I know why Magog wants to kill Superman! Because Magog is an idiot projecting his rage against Darkseid onto Superman and the other Justice League members. He and David Graves should really begin a support network for people whose loved ones died because a super hero wasn't around to save them. Lana Lang was almost a member of this group but she realized she was acting like a brat and throwing a tantrum because her friend Superman didn't give her parents special life-saving treatment.

Oh, enough out of you! Deal with your guilt in a less destructive way. Have you tried roleplaying games?

Meanwhile some Evil Mister Smarty Pants continues to plan his evil plan using the Fearsome Five and some other b-list villains like Atomic Skull and Major Disaster.

Circe teleports away with Wonder Woman and leaves Magog to murder Superman while he's busy holding the bridge together. Instead, Superman decides to kick Magog's ass with just his eyes.

I guess he uses his feet a bit too.

Superman beats Magog down, fixes the bridge, and breaks Magog's weapon. When he does, he's vaporized instantly! Or maybe just teleported to another location. Who can guess?!

Circe has brought Wonder Woman, encased in asphalt, to the island of AIAIA! Now's where she tells her why she wants to kill her!

Oh, Circe is evil! Trying to stir up all this Amazons are rapists and Wonder Woman is the son of a man shit again!

Superman appears but since Circe is magic, he's not going to be much use. He might look at her angrily and say some bold, righteous words of justice, but in the end he'll just get taken out of the fight by a simple spell. Meanwhile Wonder Woman breaks out of her asphalt tomb and begins bashing in the heads of Circe's ani-men. What does that stand for? Animal Men? Animated Semen? When she's finished knocking Circe's entire army unconscious, Circe tells her she as decided not to kill Wonder Woman now. Instead, she'll have Superman kill as many humans as possible because that would totally hurt Diana's feelings. Although, you know, this is a really good time for Wonder Woman to take some of her anger out on Superman over giving her that stupid flower that turns into a monster if it doesn't get fed on a daily basis. What a douche present! She should knock out at least one of his molars for that shit.

I'm fucking serious this time, Superman. You need to check yourself, brah! This whole thing where you tell everybody in the world that you're not dangerous to the world and you don't plan on becoming a fascist leader forcing everybody to do your whim in a ploy to eradicate evil. But you keep fucking getting mind controlled which is even worse! All of those people in power, all of the citizens afraid of your power, and Lex Luthor...all of those people I'm constantly calling assholes because they don't believe in you...fuck man. I owe them all an apology! Because you are a fucking hazard to Earth! Until you find a way to assure everybody that you won't destroy the world because Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Circe or Doomsday have taken over your senses, you need to get the fuck off of the planet. At least let Batman rig some kind of Kryptonite Suicide Capsule in one of your molars which he can activate by remote control. You may never plan on hurting anybody on Earth, Superman, but you've proven that you haven't done enough to stop other people from using you to hurt everybody on Earth. You need to go to Mars and figure something out because I'm sick of you going on these mind control rampages!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16 Rating: -1 Ranking. I guess this story arc is supposed to be exciting because Superman and Wonder Woman are being challenged by two of their biggest foes, Magog and Circe. But neither one of them are really angry at either one of the heroes! It's all just misplaced rage! Supervillains are supposed to be smart and/or insane. I think these two are just stupid. Okay, maybe Magog went insane as a little kid and then went even more insane when only five years later a super hot witch turned him into a real live man and probably taught him about carnal good times. But Circe is just being a dick because she's pissed off at Hippolyta. Go take your revenge on Hippolyta if you're so...oh. Right. Oh, okay. Carry on then. Beat the shit out of her daughter! I mean, after Superman beats the shit out of her.

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15

Superman and Wonder Woman are literally fucking on this cover.

I literally can't fight it any more. It's time to join the masses in embracing the overuse of "literally" to punch up everything I write. Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally the non-exaggerated truth? Add literally! Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally exaggerated truth? Add literally! Does everything I fucking write need to sound like I'm instantly literally defending it from naysayers before they've even literally read it? Add literally! Am I just literally incompetent at putting together a thought? Yes!

Last issue ended with Wonderstar revealing he was literally Magog. Did the Kingdom Come Universe literally merge with The New 52 Universe or had that happened Pre-Flashpoint so it's just a thing that everybody literally already knew anyway? Magog is literally gogaM backwards. Hmm, I thought that would be more important than it wound up being.

This issue begins literally five weeks prior to where last issue ended.

We've literally been over this five thousand times before. Yes, yes. It's the super heroes fault that your family was killed during the Apokolips invasion.

Little David Reid is literally transformed by a magic stone given to him by a red haired vixen that is literally Circe. Unless it's not but when has doubt literally ever stopped a person from appending "literally" to a statement? Who else could she be? She's hot and she does magic and there are Ionic columns behind her! Unless they're literally Doric. Or the other one.

Little David Reid literally has every reason to hate Superman and Wonder Woman. Why didn't they save his parents rather than the other person's parents they probably saved? Why did they literally allow the invasion to happen by literally saying, "Darkseid! Come invade Earth and kill David Reid's family! And that other guy's family too and give him cancer so he writes a book and then tries to literally kill the Justice League because misplaced anger and aggression makes for good comic book stories!"

So now the Justice League is literally responsible for causing the deaths of all the people that they never saved?

Magog has defeated Superman and Wonder Woman in the Palisades of New Jersey. Hey! That's literally the exact same spot that She-Hulk and Titania just battled! Why is it so popular all of a sudden? Oh! I know! Because there is literally nobody there so there is literally nobody around to blame the super heroes for causing somebody's death due to their mere existence!

Magog literally stabs Superman with his pointy weapon thing and throws him over a literal cliff. Then he literally turns around to take care of Wonder Woman.

Whoops! Magog should have literally killed Wonder Woman first.

Magog literally blasts the shit out of Wonder Woman. But Wonder Woman needs to make sure Superman is alive, so she literally flees from the battle with her tail tucked between her legs. Magog, not feeling cliché enough decides that he shouldn't kill Superman and Wonder Woman now while he has the upper hand. Instead, he needs to literally make them feel real loss. It's literally the stupidest plan any villain can come up with and yet it's literally the only one they ever do come up with.

Too bad Magog isn't around to hear Superman say, "We have to literally protect everybody from this monster!", or else he might have to think twice about his motivations for killing Superman. Wonder Woman, on the literal other hand, just wants to kill him as quickly as possible because she is the literal God of Hugs. I mean War. I keep forgetting this isn't the only version of Wonder Woman that literally matters. You remember the one? The one literally written by Gail Simone?

Speaking of poorly motivated villains, what the fuck was Jason Voorhees motivation in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Literally Lives? I know his mother's motivation was to avenge the death of her child by literally killing every camp counselor that was too busy fucking or drugging it up to watch over the kids. Then Jason's motivation was to literally kill everybody that had a job similar to those that killed his mom. But why would he literally watch a camp counselor compassionately helping out a child and doing her job the way that the others that needed to be murdered never did and then literally paint the walls of a cabin with her blood? I think Undead Zombie Jason Voorhees is conflicted.

This is literally the worst debate tactic in the history of debates and/or tactics.

Too bad Wonder Woman literally proves Magog's point by ignoring the cars full of families as she flies past them, preferring to punch Magog in the face than to save the families. Sure, she says that she does it because she knows Superman is literally there to save them. But I think she's literally worse at debate than Magog.

Magog continues to try to kill people so that they'll blame the superheroes that literally let them be killed. The problem is not everybody is literally mentally ill and don't view reality the way that Magog literally views reality. Sure, some people in the DC Universe think like Magog does. Like that idiotic cop at the end of Batgirl #1 who literally blames Batgirl for the death of a patient that The Mirror just threw out a window instead of blaming The Mirror who just literally threw a person out of a window. Holy fuck, I forgot how horrible that ending was. How come the people who literally worship Gail Simone never talk about that last panel on the last page of Batgirl #1?! It was literally the worst. I might be using literally incorrectly now because I also remember reading Grifter #1 and that one might have had nineteen more pages literally worse than that single Batgirl panel.

Calling the people you're trying to convince of your argument literal sheep probably isn't helping your cause.

Then Circe shows up to tell Magog that his plan is literally the dumbest plan in the world and that they should probably just kill Superman and Wonder Woman right now.

Jesus Christ, Peter J. Tomasi. I fucking trusted you and you literally took my trust and had your deviant way with it. My trust literally looked up to you as a father figure and you took advantage of that trust to satisfy your disgusting needs! What are you fucking doing to this comic book? Do we really need another fucking villain that's literally just a crying baby searching for somebody to blame since the real people to blame are dead? I literally blame all fucking Americans for this kind of thinking. "Protect me! Protect me! Oh, you didn't protect me so now I'm going to sue you!" Fucking mewling beshitted screaming brats. Go literally fuck yourselves. All of you!

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15 Rating: No change. That's literally how all of you assholes sound. Now get the fuck off my lawn. Seriously though. You're literally kicking the new grass seed everywhere.