Odyssey of the Amazons #5

Is this the Player's Handbook for 5th Edition Dungeons & Dragons?

• Yesterday I received an email that Bloodybastid left this comment on my The Wild Storm #4 commentary: "Your reviews are highly entertaining, has a sarcastic and cynical tone to them. I'm shocked no one has discovered this blog yet. Better than most other comic book blogs I skim through!" When I went to respond, I saw the comment had been deleted by the author. So I went from feeling warm fuzzies to cold pricklies in the matter of seconds. Did Bloodybastid change their mind, realizing my reviews weren't entertaining at all but just childish and full of ignorant commentary? Did they read a second commentary which happened to attack something they loved (like maybe their mother?) so they stormed back to delete the comment and shit all over my brief and unsustainable joy that somebody appreciated something I had done? Maybe — and this makes the most sense — they realized the said my blog was "better than most" and thought, "I misspoke! It's better than all of the other comic book blogs! I'd better delete this before somebody reads my comment and goes off to search for a comic book blog better than this one. That's a rabbit hole without a bottom, for sure!"

• I finally entered the 21st Century! No, I still don't own a smart phone. But I did use a friend's cable account information so I can watch Twin Peaks on Showtime! Apparently I can use the same information to watch Ash vs Evil Dead on Starz and Game of Thrones on HBO Go! It's like I've finally become a real boy!

• I would discuss my thoughts on Twin Peaks but I was only able to watch three of the four episodes that dropped before I had to go to work. And now the Non-Certified Spouse is out of town for a few days, so I won't be able to finish the opening story until then. Watching this has made me realize something. People who describe non-David Lynch vehicles as "Lynchian" probably need to be punched in the genitals and kicked in the head after they've fallen to the ground because their genitals hurt so much. Let's see any other director have the balls to spend a full episode on a dazed protagonist wandering around a casino hitting jackpots on every machine with a tiny Red Room floating over it. Nobody would be saying, "It was so Lynchian!" They would be saying, "What the fuck? That director was given a paycheck for that?!"

• That wasn't a criticism of the episode even if it sounded like it was! It was an example how nobody would ever praise a director for being Lynchian if they actually were being Lynchian. Maybe I've been hearing people wrong all this time! Maybe when a work of art is Lynchian and not by David Lynch, they've actually been saying, "That was lynchian." As in "somebody should be lynched for that."

• Let's see. What else can I discuss that isn't this comic book? The main issue in my life right now is organizing my time so I can start reading more books. I still have a ton of books that I want to read but I always feel that time spent reading is time lost writing. And when I read something that's fantastically written, I quickly stop paying attention to what I'm reading as my mind begins working on the stuff I could be writing. And yet I still want to read a fuckton of shit! It wouldn't be a problem if I could live to be several hundred. Then I could read some books and really wander, really wonder.

• The writing in this book is atrocious. It is of that bent in which the writer attempts to be more eloquent than their ability allows for. Like that sentence I just wrote! It was an example of the thing that was being said. I think there's a word for that but I'm too old to remember what it is, even if I look it up right now. Besides, if I learn a new fact, I might forget a pertinent bit of Batman trivia that could be the deciding question in a bar trivia night.

• Oh, here's an example of the writing, especially in the Narration Boxes, being terrible: "The sweet chirps of singing birds could be heard — the melodic sounds of nature that would herald both the coming dawn." And what? Both the coming dawn and what?! I suppose that example wasn't a good example of the thing I said terribly in the previous bullet point. It was just an annoying mistake that should have been caught in a rewrite or a quick edit. But since nobody caught it, I'm guessing nobody cared enough about this book to rewrite it or edit it. Somebody just sharted it out on paper and said, "Good enough!" I suppose, after the stuff I've put out there on this blog, I should probably respect that.

• Apparently the Amazons have a fight song. It's all "Let us fight and also hug! We are enigmas and shit! Peace through violence is cool but violence through peace is even better, I think! Go team go! Themyscira High School Football Rules!"

• The Amazons escape from the Jotuns. Good thing they did that before they were raped! Oh wait. I forgot. Nobody was raping anybody because that would incur the wrath of readers all over the Internet, or at least the part of the Internet that Tumblr runs on. They weren't raped; they were ensorcelled. Which might sound a bit rapey but I assure you none of their bodies were touched in creepy, pervy, violent ways! Some witch just cast a spell which mixed their DNA with the DNA of the giants and rape babies were formed through magic! And not rape! Stop typing rape, you idiot! That was me typing directly to me because sometimes I don't listen to myself. Also, it'll be a good pull quote for next month!

They didn't violate them in the way you're thinking! I already explained that! And also that image isn't a metaphor for the way they weren't violated earlier! Stop bringing it up already! You're going to put me on Tumblr's List of Most Problematic Gross People!

• I wonder if Tisiphone has gotten a cease and desist letter from Apple's lawyers on the use of her name?

• The Amazons that are still alive escape their Jotun prison and head off to kill the Jotuns. The Jotuns have all gone to Muspell which is some place I would know more about if I'd been more into Norse Mythology than Greek Mythology as a twelve year old. Apparently it's where Surtr lives. I bet Loki stole one of the vowels from his name.

• The dead Amazons also attack the Jotuns. Somehow. I guess they weren't actually wanted in Valhalla because of their, you know, boobies and vaginas.

• During the events of whatever the plot is, there is a lot of dialogue where the women are propping each other up with compliments. They're proving that sisterhood is strong! Also while they're talking, I keep getting glimpses of their underwear! The male gaze is also strong! It has the ability to see past feminist discussions into the heart of what truly matters: how much butt cheek has escaped the speaker's underwear!

• The battle ends with the Amatuns arriving to kill Surtr with his Black Sword. That wasn't a typo. They non-rape spawns of the Jotuns and Amazons (remember! It was sorcery and not penetration that created them!) call themselves Amatuns. Seriously? When Jomazons was sitting right there!

• I have no idea who this book is for. I have asked literally nobody else and they all say the same thing: "This book is not entertaining me at all."

Odyssey of the Amazons #4

This reminds me: I need to play the next game in my Norse Bloodbowl league!

My Norse Team are called the Fjordic Bee-Orcs. They currently have a 2-0 record. Mostly because they've been lucky enough to make all of their armor roles to remain uninjured. I somehow have a full team after two games. That's insane since pretty much all of them have a 7 armor. And the ones that don't have a 7 armor mostly have a 6 armor due to all of the skull fractures the team has suffered.

The Review!
The Amazons all died last issue so they wake up in Valhalla this issue. Odin decides to see how well they fight so they enter the arena to battle a bunch of viking warriors. While they battle gloriously, the spectators say things like "I wonder how tight their vaginas are?" and "Do you think I can fuck them all?" and "I would like to sheath my sword in her scabbard and that is not a euphemism at all. She just has a really nice scabbard!" In other words, they're a bunch of pigs who don't take the Amazons seriously because they're women, even if they can kick every male ass in Valhalla. That's the problem with the male gaze. It just doesn't have any respect at all! Even when it's getting its ass beat!

Meanwhile, the Jotun-Amazon hybrids are coming along nicely. Remember that they're being created by sorcery and not rape! You wouldn't want to make the mistake of thinking that there was rape in this story! It's not even metaphorical rape! It's just plain sorcery so get your head out of the gutter!

The issue ends with Hessia learning that all women all over the world are related because they all drank from a magic tea cup. But they're all still stuck in Valhalla awaiting Ragnarok. Which I guess is coming soon thanks to the Jotun-Amazon hybrids and their magic afterbirth?

The Ranking!
No change. Four issues down and I'm not sure I've been entertained by this comic book once. Although my male gaze has gotten its rocks off about a dozen times!

Odyssey of the Amazons #3

I have no idea what's going on with the lower half of Hessia's body.

I'm not proud that I can't resist saying I'm proud that I resisted mentioning the Valkyrie's crotch.

The Review!
The Amazons' true foes in this book are the Jotuns. Which is why they must battle the Valkyries this issue. It's standard operating procedure in comic books. The main fight against the real antagonist would be over too quickly if the protagonists fought them straight away. First they need to battle allies who purposefully misunderstand something they wrote on the Internet so they can feel powerful and righteous. So the Valkyries and the Amazons battle for a few pages. Some Valkyries that were just introduced die and some Amazons who were introduced in an earlier issue but whose names I couldn't be bothered to remember also die. Eventually the Amazons would all die without the Valkyries ever trusting them if nothing interrupted the battle. Which is why, this being a comic book, the Jotuns decide to interrupt the battle. While they try to kill all the Valkyries and Amazons at once, Hessia manages to save the lead Valkyrie from being killed. That's the only way in a comic book to gain the trust of an ally who thinks you're the enemy. You have to save their life and then they say, "You saved my life? But why?! You must be full of goodness and honor!" Then they kiss passionately.

The issue ends with the Jotuns leaving the Valkyries alive and the Amazons dead. Which sort of seemed the way the battle was going without the Jotuns ever getting involved. All they managed to do was give Hessia an opportunity to gain the Valkyries' trust! What idiots! If only they knew they were in a comic book, maybe they'd avoid making such common comic book mistakes.

At the end of the issue, the Amazons are all seemingly dead and the Valkyries are all, "Too bad! Let's go home!" I think that means I can be satisfied that this is the ending of the series. All I have to do is Photoshop the "3 of SIX" bit on the cover to "3 of THREE" and I'm good!

The Ranking!
-2! Not that whatever story this series is telling is important enough in itself to not be considered filler, this issue was filler. So it was filler filler. I'm really having a hard time understanding why this series was green-lighted. I suppose to get a history of the Amazons that doesn't just include a bunch of white European women. Oh! I should also point out that the Amazons captured by the Jotuns weren't raped. Because rape is so bad that it can't happen even when it's obviously a plot point in this comic book. Instead of raping them to produce Amazon-Jotun hybrids, the Jotuns used sorcery! Whew! I can only take a story about rape if its metaphorical!

Odyssey of the Amazons #2

Ostensibly, this is a book about building Amazon diversity but my male gaze suspects a different agenda.

• The above caption was my reining it in caption! My initial caption was all about double penetration and penis envy.

• The Narrator of this comic book is fucking mentally unhinged. Not in a "I'm going to scoop out my neighbor's insides and make them into a delicious pudding" unhinged. More like "I'm going to use as many words as I can think of and mash them together into sentences that make enough sense that an editor will just wave impatiently at me and mutter 'Good enough!'" The Narrator makes the kinds of statements that most people reading comic books won't think twice about. Why question words when there are big breasted women in scanty clothes who bend over a lot while fighting? But for a picky asshole like me who loves to point out the flaws in other people so that I feel better about myself, the Narrator is driving me up the fucking wall.

So a troll will eat anything that screams when devoured alive. How does it know the meal will scream when devoured alive until it tries devouring it alive? If the presumed meal doesn't scream, does the troll spit it out?

• I wouldn't mind so much if the caption used the preposition "or" instead of "and". But now I imagine a troll sees something breathing and is all, "Might be food!" Then it stabs it and sees that it bleeds and its stomach rumbles and it thinks, "Oh yeah! Belly here it comes!" Then it begins eating the still alive thing which doesn't scream so the troll spits it out in disappointment, holds its belly in both hands as it glances down at it, and says, "Sorry, tummy. Maybe the next thing will breathe, bleed, and scream!"

Well yeah! They can't eat without the screams. And if they don't eat, they don't live!

• The trolls are illiterate heathens. You can tell because they end their questions with two question marks. Only one acceptable sentence ending double punctuation mark exists and that's the question mark/exclamation point combo. Some idiot invented the interrobang which is a single punctuation mark that combines the two but it looks even more idiotic than using two pieces of punctuation at the end of a sentence (which almost always looks fairly idiotic (because it is (unless there are closing parentheses before the period (or quotes (and probably a whole bunch of other special cases))))).

Wait. You roast your food? What about the eating things alive while they scream thing?!

• The troll proceeds to smash Hessia in the face and say, "On your knees like the female dog you are." Stupid troll. Dogs never sit on their knees! It's pretty much impossible! Also, Mr. Troll, you're being really sexually aggressive with your violence. Maybe tone down the allusions to forced oral sex while beating up women.

• During the big fight scene, the Narrator says, "They will not go gently into the night." Being that that's a riff on Dylan Thomas's poem, it made me think of the poem which made me angry. If I were dying and somebody was all, "Fight! Fight against the dying of the light!" I'd be all, "Fuck you! I'm dying here! Don't make this all about you, you narcissist!" Then I'd probably die and those would be my last words and anybody who heard them would think, "Gor, he were a grouchy one, weren't he?"

• The Amazons begin getting their numbers punched, and in their own comic book even! Luckily, there are male warriors nearby to save their lives. Unluckily, the Narrator won't shut up about it.

What do Vikings know about summer pools?! Does summer even exist in the Fjordic countries?

• I recently made a Norse Blood Bowl team called the Fjordic Bee-Orcs. They're going to rule the Norse League.

• This bit where some other warriors rush in to save the weary warriors being killed by trolls doesn't make this story any less reminiscent of Elfquest. At least the vikings didn't ride in on elk.

• The Amazons and Vikings defeat the trolls and head back to Viking Village, a community for people who like community and flying into random, blood-soaked rages.

• The next day, Hessia gets to know one of the vikings. She makes a passing mention of Morpheus and he's all, "Who?" Then he mentions Thor and describes him as "the storm god himself" and Hessia is all, "Who?" And the viking is all, "Bitch, weren't you listening?!"

• The Vikings and Amazons join up to defeat the Jotuns because the Amazons need to save their sisters and the Vikings need an exciting way to enter Valhalla.

• Meanwhile in Jotunheim, the young Amazons who were taken find out that they will be the mothers to a new race of half-Amazon, half-Giant babies. Why would they consent to tha...oh. I think the number of copies of next issue being sold next month just fell substantially.

• The Amazons and Vikings begin their journey to Jotunheim over discussions of gender as seen through the prism of differing cultures. The Amazons are all, "You Vikings don't respect women!" And the Vikings are all, "We do too! At least we don't rape the fuck out of them like the giants!" And the Amazons are all, "Oh shit! Can we get this raiding party moving any faster?"

How nice of him! I hope it's a magic sword!

• On the way to Jotunheim, Hessia is bitten by a werewolf and they meet a bunch of Odin's Valkyries on flying boars and horses. That should shut these Vikings up about whether or not women were meant for battle. Fucking dicks.

The Ranking!
No change! I haven't changed my position on not being interested in tales of DC's Amazons.

Aquaman #47

Why is Hal Jordan suddenly back on Earth and acting like a normal Green Lantern? Why did DC just abandon Simon Baz?!

Last issue ended with Amnesty Bay being attacked by Thule. This issue begins with Aquaman ready to defend Amnesty Bay alongside Wonder Woman. I guess Aquadog sent out the Aquasignal!

The first thing I notice is a note that says this story takes place before Batman #40. That's convenient! I'm not going to do the research but I'm pretty sure if I dug deep enough, Aquaman's and Wonder Woman's new costumes existing before Bruce Wayne's "death" will probably cause the entire timeline to unravel. But anything for the sake of having real Batman in this issue! And Hal Jordan thrown in for good measure. Maybe Kyle Rayner can even make an appearance!

The rest of the Justice League have also come along to help out which only causes more problems. Like the way Superman has his depowered haircut but he's using his heat vision. Maybe that's not really Superman because he's using his heat vision to burn the face off of a Thulean which would usually go against his ethics. Maybe the Thuleans aren't considered sentient beings?

Error! Error! Superman has his powers and short hair and Bruce Wayne is in the batsuit and Hal Jordan is in Green Lantern gear and Aquaman has his new costume and his new trident switchblade and Wonder Woman is in her new costume and *STEAM SMOKE MELTDOWN*!

Batman needed to be in this story so he could tell Aquaman he fucked up. Aquaman is all, "I know, I know! Do you see how my raging boner isn't so raging?!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yeah! Your new costume has an erect phallus coming up from your groin and my new costume highlights my vadge!"

Batman convinces Aquaman that goofing off isn't solving any problems so it's time to actually rescue the Atlanteans trapped in Thule. Now that he has help, he might be able to do it and save Mera and free Atlantis all at the same time and by the end of this comic, God willing! And then maybe Cullen Bunn will never again be allowed near Aquaman. I don't even care about Aquaman and I'm upset that his book has been fucked up to this extent!

Garth and Tula and their crew of misfits finally realize that maybe they don't know exactly what's going on. They decide to stop pursuing Aquaman and just see what happens. What happens is Aquaman heads to Atlantis to fight the Atlantean army on his own while the Justice League head to Thule to have a big double page fantasy battle where Batman gets to ride a dragon.

Most of the action takes place in Narration Boxes as Aquaman explains the story so far. It takes far too many pages for me to believe this pulp fiction Aquaman story is going to end this month. It's also not exciting enough to talk about. It's just dry narration with shots of Aquaman beating up Atlanteans.

I hope the sacrifice is giving up his new powers! I hope the sacrifice is not Aquadog.

The issue ends with Cullen Bunn finally getting one thing right: Mera saves herself from the Thulean Sorcerers. She's only about five thousand times more powerful than Aquaman. At least she was. I think Aquaman has every super power in the book now, thanks to Poseidon.

Oh, I suppose he got another thing half-right earlier that I forgot to mention! Aquaman actually speaks with fish this issue. The only problem is that he speaks with a monstrously huge deep sea serpent thing that rivals Topo! If Aquaman has access to monsters like that, why does he ever call anything else to fight his battles? Fuck the seahorses with saddles! Aquaman should be riding a sea serpent!

Aquaman #47 Rating: No change. It'll be nearly a year soon and nobody in the art or editorial departments at DC Comics have noticed or cared that Aquaman is sporting a huge boner in his new costume? I suppose that's the least of their worries seeing as how Cullen Bunn has been taking a huge shit on Aquaman's legacy every month for the same amount of time. Maybe this book has just become too artsy and complicated for me! Also I find myself constantly touching my penis whenever Aquaman's boner is on-panel. It's so huge!

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15

Superman and Wonder Woman are literally fucking on this cover.

I literally can't fight it any more. It's time to join the masses in embracing the overuse of "literally" to punch up everything I write. Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally the non-exaggerated truth? Add literally! Do I need the reader to feel what I'm saying is literally exaggerated truth? Add literally! Does everything I fucking write need to sound like I'm instantly literally defending it from naysayers before they've even literally read it? Add literally! Am I just literally incompetent at putting together a thought? Yes!

Last issue ended with Wonderstar revealing he was literally Magog. Did the Kingdom Come Universe literally merge with The New 52 Universe or had that happened Pre-Flashpoint so it's just a thing that everybody literally already knew anyway? Magog is literally gogaM backwards. Hmm, I thought that would be more important than it wound up being.

This issue begins literally five weeks prior to where last issue ended.

We've literally been over this five thousand times before. Yes, yes. It's the super heroes fault that your family was killed during the Apokolips invasion.

Little David Reid is literally transformed by a magic stone given to him by a red haired vixen that is literally Circe. Unless it's not but when has doubt literally ever stopped a person from appending "literally" to a statement? Who else could she be? She's hot and she does magic and there are Ionic columns behind her! Unless they're literally Doric. Or the other one.

Little David Reid literally has every reason to hate Superman and Wonder Woman. Why didn't they save his parents rather than the other person's parents they probably saved? Why did they literally allow the invasion to happen by literally saying, "Darkseid! Come invade Earth and kill David Reid's family! And that other guy's family too and give him cancer so he writes a book and then tries to literally kill the Justice League because misplaced anger and aggression makes for good comic book stories!"

So now the Justice League is literally responsible for causing the deaths of all the people that they never saved?

Magog has defeated Superman and Wonder Woman in the Palisades of New Jersey. Hey! That's literally the exact same spot that She-Hulk and Titania just battled! Why is it so popular all of a sudden? Oh! I know! Because there is literally nobody there so there is literally nobody around to blame the super heroes for causing somebody's death due to their mere existence!

Magog literally stabs Superman with his pointy weapon thing and throws him over a literal cliff. Then he literally turns around to take care of Wonder Woman.

Whoops! Magog should have literally killed Wonder Woman first.

Magog literally blasts the shit out of Wonder Woman. But Wonder Woman needs to make sure Superman is alive, so she literally flees from the battle with her tail tucked between her legs. Magog, not feeling cliché enough decides that he shouldn't kill Superman and Wonder Woman now while he has the upper hand. Instead, he needs to literally make them feel real loss. It's literally the stupidest plan any villain can come up with and yet it's literally the only one they ever do come up with.

Too bad Magog isn't around to hear Superman say, "We have to literally protect everybody from this monster!", or else he might have to think twice about his motivations for killing Superman. Wonder Woman, on the literal other hand, just wants to kill him as quickly as possible because she is the literal God of Hugs. I mean War. I keep forgetting this isn't the only version of Wonder Woman that literally matters. You remember the one? The one literally written by Gail Simone?

Speaking of poorly motivated villains, what the fuck was Jason Voorhees motivation in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Literally Lives? I know his mother's motivation was to avenge the death of her child by literally killing every camp counselor that was too busy fucking or drugging it up to watch over the kids. Then Jason's motivation was to literally kill everybody that had a job similar to those that killed his mom. But why would he literally watch a camp counselor compassionately helping out a child and doing her job the way that the others that needed to be murdered never did and then literally paint the walls of a cabin with her blood? I think Undead Zombie Jason Voorhees is conflicted.

This is literally the worst debate tactic in the history of debates and/or tactics.

Too bad Wonder Woman literally proves Magog's point by ignoring the cars full of families as she flies past them, preferring to punch Magog in the face than to save the families. Sure, she says that she does it because she knows Superman is literally there to save them. But I think she's literally worse at debate than Magog.

Magog continues to try to kill people so that they'll blame the superheroes that literally let them be killed. The problem is not everybody is literally mentally ill and don't view reality the way that Magog literally views reality. Sure, some people in the DC Universe think like Magog does. Like that idiotic cop at the end of Batgirl #1 who literally blames Batgirl for the death of a patient that The Mirror just threw out a window instead of blaming The Mirror who just literally threw a person out of a window. Holy fuck, I forgot how horrible that ending was. How come the people who literally worship Gail Simone never talk about that last panel on the last page of Batgirl #1?! It was literally the worst. I might be using literally incorrectly now because I also remember reading Grifter #1 and that one might have had nineteen more pages literally worse than that single Batgirl panel.

Calling the people you're trying to convince of your argument literal sheep probably isn't helping your cause.

Then Circe shows up to tell Magog that his plan is literally the dumbest plan in the world and that they should probably just kill Superman and Wonder Woman right now.

Jesus Christ, Peter J. Tomasi. I fucking trusted you and you literally took my trust and had your deviant way with it. My trust literally looked up to you as a father figure and you took advantage of that trust to satisfy your disgusting needs! What are you fucking doing to this comic book? Do we really need another fucking villain that's literally just a crying baby searching for somebody to blame since the real people to blame are dead? I literally blame all fucking Americans for this kind of thinking. "Protect me! Protect me! Oh, you didn't protect me so now I'm going to sue you!" Fucking mewling beshitted screaming brats. Go literally fuck yourselves. All of you!

Superman Literally Loves Wonder Woman #15 Rating: No change. That's literally how all of you assholes sound. Now get the fuck off my lawn. Seriously though. You're literally kicking the new grass seed everywhere.

Green Lantern #26

Ha ha ha ha! What an asshole.

Last issue, Hal Jordan decided that there wasn't enough Spectrum Power to go around and the Green Lanterns should be in control of it all. That was the dumb decision he made. The good decision he made was to go after rogue Spectrum Users that have proven themselves to be criminals and all around dick dicking dicks. The first Ring Bearer he went after was a Star Sapphire named PB Anj. He promptly got his ass kicked by her and her gang. Serves him right!

Surrounded by dozens of laser wielding bad guys on a planet far out in the outer rim of the solar system, Hal Jordan believes he's in a position to make demands.

Uh oh! Now she's angry! Better add an additional charge of unlawful use of emotions!

Now that she's angry and being accused of emotions (as opposed to murder which is the real crime Hal should be throwing in her face), PB Anj and her crew really begin to kick Hal's ass. Kilowog's too. If he has one. He might poo out of his mouth for all I know. It would be offensive to simply assume he shit like a human.

Hal decides they need back-up, so he sends out a message to the rest of the Green Lantern Corps. This moment is so incredibly amazing and awesome that it had to be covered by Channel 52. Except the opposite of amazing and exciting. Which is par for the course for local news programs, you know? The cable news networks lie and guess and vamp because they have so much time to fill. The local news programs simply read press releases and show internet videos. I hate them all. I hope Ambush Bug can escape the Channel 52 Newsroom in the future.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Get over it already! Peak Emotion is a myth!

I know I've said it before and you know I'll say it again and it might seem like hyperbole when I say it but it's Jesus Christ's Gospel Truth: Hal Jordan is a fucking douchebag motherfucking idiot narcissistic asshole frat boy bastard piece of shit. He has decided to arrest anybody that he judges is abusing the emotional spectrum. So he hunts down one space female using one ring to commit some crime in the outer rim. But when she gets the upper hand on him, what does he do? He mobilizes every fucking Green Lantern in the Universe to come save his ass! If that isn't abusing the emotional spectrum, I'll find somebody with a hat and make them eat it!

How am I supposed to remember the names of the different Green Lantern Corps members when they're all orange and they all have one syllable names with the same vowel sound?

Look at these fucking dicks! They refuse to use their own rings so they can feel righteous in their belief that they're not draining the spectrum but their refusal to use their rings means somebody else has to use their rings to transport them! This is like somebody that loves to eat meat bragging about how they've never hurt an animal in their life!

Meanwhile on whatever planet Hal and Kilowog were on, Hal curbstomps one of the Braidmen. Except he does it against a bar and he uses his hands and not his feet. So he barsmashes his teeth out which is probably much better for some reason. The guy is the Lead Braidman and his son takes issue with Hal beating on him. Hal's advice to the kid?

Holy fuck, Hal. You're definitely not Indigo material.

"Better you grow up on the street with no guidance or care from an adult that probably loves you than have to be subjected to a life of ill-gotten material goods and shelter paid for by illicit means!" Maybe you should just kill the kid, Hal? Just put him out of his misery if his life is so awful with his criminal father.

The rest of the planet Dekann's civilians begin attacking Hal and Kilowog as well. But help arrives in the form of Iath the Tree Lantern and Gorin-Sunn the Flame Lantern. Not long after, the rest of the Lantern Corps arrives with Mogo following. Why did they have to expend all of their ring energy by flying when they could have just rode along with Mogo? At least 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 gets a cameo.

Le Sigh.

The Corps has a tough time getting the civilians of Dekann to give up. And it's not like they can just kill them. Can they? I've seen Green Lanterns kill various alien beings before. What's the policy on killing? Maybe I just thought I saw them kill aliens! I suppose it's a bit like every day police. They aren't supposed to kill people but as soon as they think there might possibly be the slightest hint that maybe their life might imaginably be sort of in danger, they feel justified in killing. Hal does command Mogo to drop down near the planet so that the planet is nearly torn apart by gravitational forces. I bet Mogo derives sexual pleasure from this maneuver.

Granack, PB Anj's head Braidman, decides to surrender himself and all of his men but only if PB Anj is allowed to go free. Hal reluctantly agrees because there are too many Green Lantern witnesses to get away with slaughtering everyone. But he forces PB Anj to give up her Star Sapphire ring. And since that's all he really cares about, Hal probably feels he won. Except then PB Anj lets him know that she's going to begin telling everybody she meets how the Green Lantern Corps are destroying the universe by using their rings. Whoops!

The Universe needs a fucking Snopes.com because this Peak Emotion is just a bullshit urban legend that's really getting out of control.

After Hal and the other Lanterns leave, the child from earlier and another civilian reveal that they are Durlans and that their plan is going better than expected. Some Four Armed somebody with a Fortress and a bunch of ancients are also part of their plan. That might mean something to Green Lantern fans but I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

Green Lantern #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. Hal Jordan is such a fucking prick. But at least he's consistent! I like consistency in my comic book characters and Hal never fucking disappoints! Nice fuck up this month, pal!

Superboy #22

Either that or put them all in medically induced comas so they can forever picnic with their families. It worked last issue!

I don't think Superboy is even one year old yet. Tonight, a clerk at a 7-Eleven I clean told me she just turned 23 years old this week. I told her I can't even remember twenty-three. While that isn't technically true, it's so far away from forty-one that it may as well be. Your life becomes unrecognizable to the person you were. At seventeen, I was beginning college in new state. At twenty five I was unencumbered and traveling across the United States in a Volkswagen Bus. At twenty six, I was in fucking China. At twenty eight, I found myself back in Oregon to make it my home. In my thirties, I worked for a leather bag manufacturer, a company that distributed textbooks to colleges all over the world, gambled for a living for a few short months, spent a year buying and selling Heroclix and other gaming materials on eBay to make a living, spent some time in Germany, and bought the floor cleaning company that I had been working for for quite a few years. A job which I found on Craigslist one day out of desperation to do something else after programming a Places and Predators game with TADS hit a memory cap. Life changes so drastically from one point to another, nobody should ever feel that they'll never be capable of doing anything with their life. Unless, of course, they have some fucked up brain chemistry and then they should really get some drugs in them before they do anything rash. It's all so crazy.

When I was twenty or twenty-one, my Aunt, concerned about my lackadaisical approach to life, asked me, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" I immediately asked her, "Where did you see yourself now ten years ago?" She thought about it for a second and just said, "Good point." She was happy even though she never planned where she was and, I like to think, she understood that and trusted that I'd be okay after that moment. My grandparents always had that trust in me. They always treated me like they knew I'd find a way, that I'd be okay somehow. I just wish they'd lived to see me with my own business. Not because I'm in any way significantly proud about having a steady job of my own! I would have just liked them to see that their trust in me was founded and their trust in me helped me trust myself. I always knew I had two of the most kind, caring, thoughtful people in the world in my corner. You can't fucking fail with a safety net like that.

Superboy doesn't have any of that shit so he's bound to make some serious mistakes. Although he does have a doggy.

Oh! But he does have Jocy from the future keeping an eye on him! Maybe he will be okay! Because she, you know, knows the future!

Gui Balbi's name was a new one for me (and I think new to The New 52) so I wasn't sure about the art. But judging by only the first page, I like it! It's got that cartoonish, not so serious look that I really enjoy. Plus look at the way he draws her boobs in that kicking down the door panel! It's like two hedgehogs playing tag under a silk sheet. I never realized that I could be so turned on by hedgehogs!

Superboy isn't at home because he's on the run with Doctor Psycho and Krypto looking to help meta-gene kids targeted by H.I.V.E. Perhaps this is a different H.I.V.E. than Scott Lobdell is writing about in Superman because I'm having trouble putting together their different agendas. I suppose I need a smart comic book writer and/or editor to explain it to me very slowly. Queen Bee wants everybody to fall into some kind of Borg Mentality for Brainiac's coming out party. H.I.V.E. also wants kids with super powers. I suppose H.I.V.E. could be building an army of super kids to be the muscle behind the Viral Equality New World Order. But I can't just keep speculating on how the two plans will mesh since Scott Lobdell is writing one-half of the H.I.V.E. story and if I ever find myself thinking like Scott Lobdell, I'm going to drown myself in the toilet.

A few pages later and the art seems a little bit out of control. Superboy sometimes looks like his jaw is swollen from recent dental work and one of the cheerleaders he meets just looks chinless. At its best, I'm enjoying it. At its worse, it's still not bad since it's not going for a photo-realist effect.

Superboy is already super popular. High school is stupid.

The cheerleaders just get Superboy in trouble because they're dating the football players and one football player is a big macho asshole. Wouldn't you know it? Superboy had to go play Jumpstreet in the most stereotypical high school in New York. But it's also weird because this asshole seems to be dating two women named Coop! The one in the tie in the panel above introduces herself as Coop and then leaves with the football player at the end of the confrontation. But during the confrontation, he refers to the one with the ginger ponytail as Coop. She's the one he manhandles and states is trying to make him jealous. And then he walks off with the one in the tie. I guess none of it really matters because these aren't the people Superboy infiltrated the school to meet anyway. That person comes walking up afterward.

Look how much individuality she has! She must be an awesome person unlike those others that are into school roles!

Look at her being all unconventionally sexy with the different colored hair and the big boots and the Little Orphan Annie eyes! Bunker is going to be super upset when Superboy begins dating her!

Although maybe this isn't the person Superboy was meant to find that's causing other kids to go insane. They pass by another girl in the hallway that smiles wide and is simply ignored by Superboy and Little Miss Unconventional. Then she hugs her binder and makes the sadness face and wanders off down the torturous hallways of the high school no-man's land. I don't know where that is since I was always in the yes-man's land! That's where you eat lunch in the library talking about computer games and Dungeons and Dragons!

Once Superboy finally makes it to class, he's the smartest person in the room. Which is weird since N.O.W.H.E.R.E.'s curriculum was all nonsense about traveling from Mars to New York by breakfast and coming up with a ridiculous answer involving Mars Standard Time and the Universal Chronal Chart developed by Salvator Grotto in 1856.

He's really not disagreeing with what the teacher was beginning to say. But God forbid somebody say something in a way that Superboy can misinterpret so that he can point out how much more superior he is than they are.

I'm not saying this teacher was going to spout historical truth, but Superboy didn't even give him a chance. Superboy could be shitting all over an ally but his own ego and self-righteousness will never allow him to find out. Like last night when people jumped all over Neil Gaiman for the way he phrased his belief that, in service to the current story, he thought it was best for the new Doctor Who to be male. People. Calm the fuck down. Neil Gaiman is an ally. You're not solving any social problems by trying to point out that Neil Gaiman may be unknowingly sexist. And, of course, when Neil Gaiman courteously tries to clarify the point and let people know that wasn't what he was saying at all, many won't believe him because they already jumped to the conclusion that he's a sexist bastard. And how could they, with their amazing intuitive abilities and grandiose perceptive skills, ever get something wrong?

Oh, and on the other side of things! You should see the asshole trolls Gail Simone deals with every day. I truly adore her mostly whimsical deflections of many of the more outlandish attitudes and beliefs of how comic books should be. I find it ludicrous that there are actually males out there threatened by comic books with female leads with actual female interests as opposed to female leads written merely as men with boobs. Variety is the Old Spice of Christmas Presents. That doesn't sound right. Maybe Lord Google could help if he wasn't currently off fucking Empress Bing.

After Superboy is sent to see adult after adult while looking completely different every time, it's time to get in a fight! Whew! I didn't think this comic book was going to have any action! Although being high school, I was hoping for a little under the bleachers, under the shirt action.

I suppose H.I.V.E. is simply interested in psychics like Hector Hammond, Doctor Psycho, and Psymon since they have the power to help in Holistically Integrating Viral Equality.

Superboy decides he isn't smart enough to figure out what's going on in the school so he accuses the one person he's been able to talk to, Little Miss Unconventional. She explains to Superboy how all kids are monsters and then all the kids suddenly ARE monsters! It's like an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer! And then Krypto is there being a monster dog as well! And since Superboy isn't a detective, he's completely clueless as to what's happening. Maybe he'll figure it out by next month after Justin Jordan sends tons of notes to Scott Lobdell's office trying to find out where the whole H.I.V.E. story is headed in Superman and Action Comics. Perhaps Jordan will get an answer in time to put a coherent ending on this story. But more likely, Lobdell will just return the notes with notes of his own saying, "The story hasn't revealed itself to me yet! I can't wait to find out what happens though!"

Superboy #22 Rating: No change. The art really fooled me at first and then it was just all over the fucking place. I think given a longer deadline or more practice (I don't know if Gui is new to the comic art world or not because I'm too lazy to Google his name), Gui Balbi might be able to make a nice looking comic on par with Ig Guara's stuff. But right now, he's too loose with his work. Superboy tends to look quite different from scene to scene and people sometimes look cool and other times look like monsters. And that was before they're supposed to look like monsters! As for the story, I liked that it was fun but it wasn't quite funny where I think it was supposed to be. I like the light-hearetedness although I get the feeling that Jordan might be treading water on this story until Lobdell solidifies what's happening with H.I.V.E.