The Multiversity: Mastermen #1

He's using Capitalism! He's running a capitalist democracy which gives corporations the ability to control the government, setting the rules to ensure certain corporations succeed while keeping all competition at bay! This is mostly done by screaming about the dangers of governmental regulation which might cost the company money while lobbying the government to enact regulation that cripples competitors. Freedom!

I think that caption is my ranting prelude for this commentary! Let's see what Uncle Sam and the Freedom Fighters are up to on Earth 10!

Actually, before I open this comic book, let me point out that I'm completely unfamiliar with Uncle Sam and the Freedom Fighters. I didn't read the mini-series that was released since The New 52 began because DC wasn't sticking "The New 52" label on all of their comics because not all of their comics were New 52 books. Although The Huntress miniseries wound up being prologue to Worlds' Finest, I think. I never read that one either. I think the only Freedom Fighter story I ever read was DC Comics Presents #62 where the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence were stolen. I also read the Black Condor series that began in 1992 and he flew around the Pine Barrens of New Jersey trying not to be a hero. And that's my entire knowledge of these characters!

How can you not like the way this issue begins?

The only problem with this first page is the lack of Narration Boxes. Who is this man? What's his name? What is his job or his motivations? Where is he from? Does he have any ambitions or flaws? As it is, he's just a cypher! But he's reading a Superman comic book so he can't be all bad, right?

While straining on the toilet bowl (because it's funny to put Hitler in a position of discomfort and embarrassment! Ha ha, Hitler! Ha ha! You are having a tough bowel movement! You deserve it, you jerk!), Hitler is informed by one of his men that they've uncovered a weapon from the stars.

Ooh! He already has one weapon from the stars! The Cosmic Grail from Earth #15!

Hitler's soldiers have recovered a rocket from another planet! I hope it's filled with candy! As an American, have you ever experienced walking up and down the candy aisle of another country? Even just going north to Canada, it's like a treasure trove of the most magical treats! But not south to Mexico unless you love your sweets to not be sweet at all and just be made of salt, sometimes with a hint of tamarind. Imagine finding a stash of candy from another planet! I'm so excited right now, I'm going to stick my dick in some Lik-m-aid.

Instead of finding candy inside the ship, they find only disappointment.

I know! A baby? I'd shoot it too!

Hitler raises this space baby to become Overman! Seventeen years later, Germany is marching on the capital of the United States of America. And even though Overman is the epitome of perfection (according to Hitler!), Jim Lee still draws scribbly lines all over his face. He really should be treating Overman's skin with the same care that David Finch treats the skin of every woman he draws.

Sixty years after Germany takes America, Overman begins having a recurring nightmare about Lord Broken of The Gentry and the cover of Crisis on Infinite Earths #7.

Judging by the looks of every member of The Gentry, I have a feeling the Doom Patrol needs to step in and defeat them.

Earth X's version of Jimmy Olsen narrates the story about the fall of Overman and the New Reichsmen. On the day of Overgirl's memorial, The Freedom Fighters begin their revolution. The Human Bomb drops on the ceremony and Uncle Sam says lots of stuff that Americans would pump their fists into the air over and howl like Goddamned monkeys when heard. Surprisingly, Overman reacts...with understanding?

Leatherwing reacts like a typical billionaire whose family made the entirety of their money through systematic oppression and manipulation.

The Gentry probably like Earth 10 the way it is. So Lord Broken must be spying on Overman in his dreams to try to make sure he keeps the status quo of this world and doesn't muck it up with egalitarian ideals. Maybe it's a good idea to think about The Gentry for a short paragraph or two since they've been mostly in the background of the comic books stories presented since The Multiversity #1.

The title of the series is "The Multiversity" which is a combination of two words: multiverse and diversity. What The Gentry seem to be doing is destroying worlds to make way for worlds which they approve of, worlds which tend to be carbon copies of the usual comic book status quo. They're gentrifying the multiverse. This is probably why the first issue dealt with a majority of black super heroes from different worlds. But this isn't just about race; it's about diversity of worlds. The Gentry are much like the editors at DC Comics when they imagined Crisis on Infinite Earths. They wanted a universe scrubbed clean and polished up to look safe and secure and attractive to new customers. But by doing so, they scrubbed out personality and culture and dozens of different takes on super heroes which attracted a much wider range of readers.

Could it be The Multiversity is preparing the way for an expanded and more diverse (in many, many ways) DC Comics coming in June? It's possible. I think the bottom panel in the page I scanned above is telling. DC Comics needs to confront their wrongs even in the face of those that believe they have nothing to be ashamed of and that nothing should change. Granted, this is just Grant Morrison's take on things. And maybe I've got it completely wrong. But the first step to really understanding a piece of literature is to figure out why the author chose the names he chose. Making the title a portmanteau of multiverse and diversity, and then making the big enemies The Gentry, seems a pretty big clue as to what's going on.

Okay, back to the Nazis!

Underwaterman! Ah ha ha ha ha!

The New Reichsman now have to answer to the sins of their fathers (well, most of them. Lots of the sins were Overman's and he'll have to answer to his own). The Germans took over the United States and put millions of people in death camps. They took away the people's language and culture. Even if, sixty years later, the world seems to be at peace under German rule, it must now acknowledge the suffering that brought the world to this place.

Right about when The Human Bomb, one of the good guys and a Freedom Fighter, is called a "suicide bomber" so that the analogy really sets in is about the time my high school friend Soy Rakelson would have stopped reading the comic book. "How dare they criticize America!" he'd scoff. Then he'd basically repeat what Leatherwing said about how he's not responsible for slavery or the destruction of the indigenous American tribes and how those things have nothing to do with his better than average starting position at birth. Soy Rakelson was also the one who raved and raved about Enigma until he realized the main character was gay and then he stopped reading for, um, "other reasons."

Overman is the most sympathetic Nazi since...um...hmm. There must have been at least one, right? Schindler?

Meanwhile on Ellis Island, Uncle Sam meets a couple new members of his Freedom Fighters, Doll Man and Doll Girl. They're Jehovah's Witnesses, though, so they won't fight or have birthday parties. But they will still help people in need. I guess that's something since Ellis Island is a sanctuary from those escaping Germanica. He also meets Phantom Lady, Black Condor (whose probably just called "Condor" now since he's black and that isn't cool, man), and The Ray. These super heroes are all thanks to a mysterious Doctor Sivana! What's he up to?!

On an interview program, Jürgen Olsen asks Overman if he thinks the yearly performance of the Ring Cycle will be Uncle Sam's next target. Overman seems confident that nothing will happen and then invites Jürgen to the performance. According to Jürgen's narration box of "Revenge is sweet" that may have been a mistake.

One of the New Reichsmen is a traitor and has been feeding Uncle Sam information. It's possible it has been Overman trying to pay for what his people had done in the past. That might be why Jürgen Olsen keeps Narration Boxing about destroying Overman. Not because of what he did to help Hitler but because of what he later did to help Uncle Sam.

And what Uncle Sam did with Overman's information was terrible and mad in its own right.

It's tough being an Overman on a violent planet of powerless people.

What can I say? The world is a complicated place! And this issue of Multiversity gets too far into stuff that I'd rather just ignore! Write your own conclusions about it! I don't owe anybody anything! I'm going to go read a properly funny funny book now.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39

How does Starfire's top even work? How does it stay in place? Super glue?

I don't really get Writer's Block so much as Turning Whatever Word or Phrase Pops Into My Head Into A Version of The Spider-Man Cartoon Theme Song Block. So I'll begin a commentary and just start typing something "Writer's Block! Writer's Block! Does whatever a Writer's Block does! Turns your stories into shite then makes you write about what to write! Look out! Here comes the Writer's Block!" Since I wanted to be Spider-Man back when I was a little tyke, I'm willing to guess about fifteen percent of my life has been me turning things into the Spider-man song. Possibly the only time I've ever felt a connection to Homer Simpson was when he sang the Spider-Pig song. Aside from his desire to fuck doughnuts, of course.

If you've been reading my commentaries for some length of time (masochists!), you'll have encountered a few of my versions of the theme song. Mostly I'm able to keep them bottled up. Nobody wants to read a new version of the Spider-Man cartoon theme song two or three times a day.

It's also difficult to say you have Writer's Block when you're just typing up snarky comments about the comic book you're currently reading. I definitely run the gamut concerning my desire to be writing about a comic book. So sometimes you'll get a half-assed synopsis of Batman and Superman's trip to Kandor because I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering on the Xbox while other times you'll get a lovingly worded and fondly written Batgirl diary entry crafted across two to three hours. Sometimes the reviews are a labor and sometimes they're a labor of love. Sometimes I just need to get another comic book off the stack, and other times I'm thoroughly invested in the story and excited by the characters.

Mostly though, I'm just avoiding thinking about death.

Believe it or not, that last sentence was a joke! I like to keep the mood of my commentaries light and whimsical with just a hint of rotting in the grave!

Oh shit! I distracted myself so well with the previous Spider-Man bit that I forgot I was about to read a Scott Lobdell comic book until I picked it up and opened it to this:

Not quite Lobdelled in my traditional definition of "Lobdelling a comic book," but close enough for my tastes.

I wonder if Jason Todd knows that Batman once had to wage the same battle against Venom? Way back before Bane was even a sperm clot in Chuck Dixon and Doug Moench's throats. Apparently that story was by Denny O'Neil (the creator of Venom (the drug, not the alien symbiote!)). I guess Replacement Batman's use of Venom over in World's End is a callback to that story. Although it hadn't occurred to me before this because Replacement Batman had been using Miraclo in Earth-2 and only switched over to Venom while in World's End. I guess because Val-el or Power Girl or The Huntress or somebody destroyed his supply of Miraclo because it was an addictive drug. But then nobody seemed to give a shit when he upped his prescription to Venom.

Now Jason Todd had to struggle with using Venom because why wouldn't he use a drug to enhance his normal capabilities? I mean, he's a teenager, right? And Scott Lobdell knows all about the lives of teenagers! That's why Red Hood, Arsenal, and Starfire's lives are filled with relationship drama and battles against illicit substances and bitter resentment towards adults.

Also, teenagers love to parody misquotes from movies nearly seventy years old.

Granted, that near quote of the line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre has just become one of those quotes that has a full and vibrant life outside of its original source. So I'm sure if you ask Roy where the quote is from, he'll say he heard it from some modern movie or television show.

Fun Fact: I never knew where the abridged version of the quote was from until just now when I asked Lord Google about the quote so I could find a list of modern movies and television shows where it's appeared. Princess Wikipedia states that the more popular, shortened version of the line comes from The Monkees. So when I was a kid watching that show in syndication (I can still hear Mickey Dolenz saying it!), I may have learned the line from there and, like Roy here, gone around quoting it without realizing it was from a thirty plus year old movie. So I guess teenagers do love to parody quotes from ancient sources! They just probably think that the quote comes from whatever source they heard it from first and then argue with anybody who tells them differently. I know I would have!

Princess Wikipedia also has this to say about the line: "In a 1983 episode of TV series Wizards and Warriors, the character Marko (played by Walter Olkewicz) delivers a spoof of the line as 'Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers'." I loved that show as a swords and sorcery, Dungeons and Dragons, mythology obsessed twelve year old! I know, I was totally not like any other twelve year old, right?! Princess Wikipedia says she needs a citation for that quote. I should get her the citation since I have that series burned to DVD! I'll find the scene where Jacques Renault says it! But later. I'm busy reading another fantastic Scott Lobdell comic book right now.

What does that mean?! Is that a compliment? "I don't need an illicit substance that will eventually consume my every waking thought and send my life spiraling out of control. I've got you!"

Meanwhile in the jungle, Blackfire and Starfire have a normal sisterly interaction.

Blackfire: "I'm so glad I traveled across the universe and found you tied to a tree so I can kill you!"
Starfire: "What? No! Don't!"
Blackfire: "I am so excited to get to kill you after whatever it is you did recently to make me mad at you again even though I thought we were getting along and shit."
Starfire: "Why am I not dead yet?"
Blackfire: "God, if I wasn't able to kill you myself, I don't know what I'd do! It's like the only thing that's been keeping me going for like the last ten hours or something."
Starfire: "Um, you don't really want to kill me, do you?"
Blackfire: "I'm just savoring the moment! It's not like you're going to be rescued way out here in the middle of this jungle! I have time to enjoy the arousal brought on by a job well done nearly completed!"
Starfire: "Um, hey, weren't you busy being a Queen or something?"
Blackfire: "Oh yeah! That's a long story that I probably have time to tell and then still kill you after! Let me tell it to you!"
Starfire: "What's that sound?"
Blackfire: "Oh! Get down even lower than you already are lying on the ground in chains! It is a patrol of Citadel monsters that I am running from and why I have come to get help from you!"
Starfire: "Wait. What? Is fucking Helspont behind the way you're acting?"

I guess Blackfire has to keep up the appearance that she wants Starfire dead because she's being observed by Helspont but his ability to observe her only works occasionally which allows Blackfire to tell Starfire why she really sought her out after claiming to want to kill her? Or Scott Lobdell is doing that thing where one comic book ends one way and then he begins the next one another way because he either can't remember where he meant for the story to go or he just thought up a new plot point that works better than the vague, bullshit he'd been planning earlier?

Manufactured indignation! Faux outrage! Increased drama! Characterization!

Immediately after this, Crux's ship is hit by a missile and blows up. I guess the monkeys in this jungle have some serious feces throwing technology. Crux manages to pull Roy Harper from the explosion but not Red Hood, so I guess he's dead. Crux also gets shot while flying Roy to safety, so I guess he's dead too.

If you're one of those people who refuse to look at the cover of their comic books to avoid spoilers, you'd be surprised to find that Rose Wilson is the one behind the attack. She's trying to kill the Red Hood which completely explains why she's in this jungle waiting for him.

Jason Todd and Rose Wilson's initial conversation goes like this:

Jason Todd: "Hey, Rose. Love that mask."
Rose Wilson: "Yeah. I'd considered a heart tattoo that said 'Jason' with an axe hacking it in two."

I know I usually make up those dialogues but that was the actual dialogue this time. It was split up across two pages so scanning it was a problem. But it's such a horrible interaction that I thought it needed to be documented here in this Anti-Lobdell safe-zone. So Rose's response to her mask is to tell Jason that he broke her heart and that she figured a mask was better than a horrible face tattoo. I suppose that's what passes for snarky, hilarious banter in a Scott Lobdell comic book. Also, Rose and Jason were an item?

Whether it's Superboy and Wonder Girl, Cheshire and Arsenal, or Rose Wilson and Jason Todd, apparently Scott Lobdell is incapable of writing a fight scene between a male and a female without making them flirt awkwardly. "Oh! Oh! I want to kill you! Or fuck you!" "Eww, you make me so angry! But you're so cute!" "It's too bad I have to cut your dick off instead of putting it inside of me!"

Meanwhile, Blackfire takes off some of her clothes which seems almost impossible for her to still be wearing anything after stating she took off some clothes. I guess she needed to compete with her sister's male gaze. Half of the ink now being used on the Starfire/Blackfire scenes is orange and is being used on boobies.

Starfire and Blackfire bond and not a word is said about how Blackfire threatened to kill her. I guess that was just the kind of hyperbole a sister uses when she finds her sibling tied to a tree in a jungle whacked out on Space Crank. Blackfire tells Starfire to take it easy while she heads out to run an errand.

"Just let me put even less clothing on than I'm currently wearing first. Be back in a jiff!"

Double meanwhile, Rose Wilson joins up with Red Hood, Arsenal, and Crux for some reason. It's not like she just tried to murder them and then hunted around the wreckage hoping to find gory evidence of that murder or anything. She was just teasing! Also, her job wasn't to kill Jason Todd as we saw in a previous panel. They're just a distraction. Her real job must involve killing Tamaraneans! Or Citadelians? Or monkeys?

Turns out Rose is definitely hunting Starfire (again, only a surprise to the people that got the Harley Quinn variant cover) because Starfire has made a lot of enemies buying drugs from them recently.

Wrong. Your conversation about how long the fight would last was three seconds. I hate to side with Jason Todd but you're wrong, Roy Harper. Although I do love to side against Roy Harper!

I know for an artist it's always more visibly stimulating to have two antagonists rush each other with fists cocked. But Rose has a sword which she's deadly with so why didn't she pull it out? And Starfire shoots bolts of energy so why didn't she just remain hovering out of Rose's reach while burning her face off? I think these two women just wanted to touch. And they probably did it for the males watching!

Much quicker than usual, everybody realizes they're basically on the same side and nobody is using drugs anymore. That's because the trend at DC Comics is for happy and whimsical with less grim and gritty angst. Now instead of everybody battling their inner demons, it's time to battle the outer demons congregating in the jungle making Space Crank! I wonder if Blackfire is behind it all, the traitorous wench!

Oh yeah. And Helspont. Blackfire and Helspont are behind it all!

It's not overly done or anything to have a character say that it can't get any worse. And I bet it won't feel overdone next month when Jason Hood says to Roy, "You just had to say it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?"

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39 Rating: No change. This issue was just as poorly done as I expect it to be but at least it's coherent. Kind of. I mean, the whole Blackfire/Starfire exchange was weird. And that part where Rose blows up Red Hood's ship and tries to kill him even though she loves him was odd. And the fact that they all decide to work together didn't make much sense. And a lot of the dialogue was terrible. And the weird about-face Lobdell decided to do with his drug plots was enjoyably amateurish. Although the Helspont reveal on the last page was original and well written! No? Hmm, maybe this wasn't as coherent or as well put together as I'd thought. Oh well!

Batwoman #39

Red Alice is finally here to murderfuck every face in the room!

Red Alice has that super hot look that says, "I'm not into men and even if I were, you'd be way beneath my standards." So irresistible!

Previously in this comic book, some fucking crazy shit was going down all over Gotham. A bunch of crazy characters were involved. And Kate Kane was having mega-sexy sex with Nocturna right on panel! Well, kind of on panel. Maybe I fantasized it. Let's see if this issue contains any more lesbian sex that I can male gaze up as much as possible, making it all about a man's erection!

I know! I pointed out how you're here to murderfuck! That's totally different! And sexy! And illegal in most European nations!

Kate is probably more worried about what Red Alice did to their father anyway. Murderfucking him would be wrong and icky. That might not even turn me on! No wait. I've thought about it for a second and it totally would.

Kate comes out of her bedroom looking so fucking adorable that it breaks my adorable meter. She says, "B-Beth? Its impossible." I guess she lost her apostrophe in Nocturna's sweet vanilla scented sphincter.

Is this Red Alice's schtick? She quotes Through the Looking Glass and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland all the time? Although I'm not sure "I'm not here to kill you" is a line from either novel! Although I can think of several occasions where Alice might have said it.

Next Nocturna comes out in an incredibly short robe and I have to take a masturbation break. Just kidding! I'm not into lesbians! I respect that their love making is not meant for my benefit and that it is an expression of love between two people just like everybody else's sexual exploits. Although all the other sexual encounters turn me on, so I'm just being myself when I wish for an on panel shot of Kate's face between Nocturna's thighs! I mean, if they were guys, that would be totally different because I was only into that during college that one or two or three times. Or however many times before I lost count. I mean, before I realized I totally wasn't into that because I was super heterosexual!

What's with the question mark shape on Kate's back?! Is that a shout out to Renee Montoya?!

This has always been my explanation for Kate and Nocturna's romance. Kate was just looking to cut loose after having her heart broken by Maggie. Or by herself, really, but whatever. Except all you naysaying jerks that wanted to ruin this adorably hot relationship had to run around with your hair on fire yelling, "The sky is raping! The sky is raping!" You guys are always looking for a reason not to have fun and to get to be righteously angry at somebody! Well no more! Kate and Nocturna are consenting fuck partners and that's the end of it! I mean, Nocturna did turn her into a vampire against her will and is manipulating her through the immortal blood but that's different somehow! Just shut up! I like seeing them kiss!

Nocturna and Red Alice start a whole daytime talk show drama filled screamfest until Kate yells at them in her vampire voice to knock it off. The art also takes a hit around this point. I think the inker might have changed! Anyway, Nocturna and Red Alice don't trust each other but they decide to play nice for Kate's sake. At least for now. Or at least in front of her.

Meanwhile, Clayface uses Ragman's computer to Google himself since he's lost his memory after being used as a mold for Morgaine. He discovers he was an insane murderer and doesn't like it much. I guess Ragman doesn't know Clayface's real name or else Clayface could check out his credits on IMDB while he's at the computer.

Showoff. He's just a Diet Spectre! Oh man. Jelyde is gonna be pissed at me for saying that!

This must be the part where the story catches the reader up on all of the other characters. So let's see what's happening with Jason Blood next.

Radhu! I didn't recognize you without the turban! I bet I won't recognize Uncle Harry either if he's not a pillow. Or Glenda without that thing she was known for.

It turns out Morgaine is waiting for Jason in his apartment with Etrigan gagged and bound at her feet. Are they almost in space?!

Morgaine has come in search of that rock that she winds up sticking in a satellite. But Ragman must have sensed injustice happening because he and Clayface call Batwoman to join them in staring into Jason Blood's rear window. At least the gang is finally all together. Now they just need to find a spaceship.

Morgaine practically said "fart."

Etrigan is so shaken up that he rhymes "blind" with "blind" while making no sense anyway, and then rhymes "death" with "death." Anybody can rhyme like that! Actually, anybody can rhyme anything. What is people's fascination with rhymed words? Rhyming is like the first thing you learn in school!

Anyway, Jason Blood disappears and Morgaine runs off to Slaughter Swamp to raise her army of dead mud creatures. Etrigan points out that they should probably chase her down or else the world is going to end and nobody wants it to end. That was a rhyme!

Batwoman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I get that this isn't anywhere near the same level of great that Batwoman was when it had those other people writing and drawing it. You know, whatever their names were. Blackguy and Prince William the Third. But I'm thoroughly enjoying this version of Batgirl as well. The other version was deep and profound and intimate and emotional. This version is simply fun super hero adventures. And as we all know, DC needs as many fun super hero adventures as they can get. Too bad it was at the expense of Batwoman the Urban Legend Killer.

Batman Loves Superman #19

Why are they battling inside Kandor? Couldn't Batman just drop one of his miniature red suns inside, cork it, and shake it like crazy?

I've been taking the Trixie Belden Home Course For Becoming the World's Greatest Detective lately but now I'm wondering if I should even bother. Last issue, it was revealed that the Kandorians were the ones trying to kill Superman. And in my commentary on the issue before that, I said this:

And isn't The Bottled City of Kandor still missing? Maybe one of them got out, driven mad by Superman's hairy sack swinging by the bottle every time he got out of bed to take a whiz.

I bet I even nailed their motivation too!

Well, I can see why Kal-el would want to murder them. Bastards!

Superman's Joker narrates this chapter of the story as if he's speaking with Superman and explaining everything that's going on. But he still doesn't reveal who he is because that's pretty much a last page revelation. If you know how to write a comic book, then you know not to blow your load on the first few pages of the script. I'm not sure why that's a rule though. I'd want to blow like four or five different loads throughout the entire twenty pages. Then the reader will be left wiping cum off of their faces and thinking, "Hoo boy! That was one exciting ride!"

Batman, Superman, and Supergirl have arrived at the Bottled City to find it has been battered by artillery. Or BBs, I guess. They hitched a ride in SHADE's Ant Farm so that they can enter the city and kick some ass. I'm disappointed that they didn't bring Krypto along. I hope they find Streaky while they're in there!

Their first order of business is to figure out what's going on in the bottle. So they prepare to visit Supergirl's friend Tali.

Why is Toymaster's alley undercover work? Oh wait! That's Lois Lane! She must have just come from her undercover investigation of Hiro's corporation.

As the investigation inside Kandor proceeds, it looks like Greg Pak didn't wait until the end of this issue to blow his load at all! I think he blew it last issue when he revealed the magic bullet was a Kandorian.

Superman steps on a device that reads his DNA and identifies him as Kal-el. Then it tells the history of Kandor where the House of El are the villains. Jor-el takes the place of Xa-du and is also behind the explosion of Krypton. Kal-el takes the place of Brainiac and is the one who bottled Kandor and kept them prisoner by his bed where they had to see his gigantic cock slide by their bottled wall every morning. Somebody has convinced them that Superman is their nemesis. And that's all well and good. Even Earthlings get turned against Superman and with far less propaganda or evidence. That's not the part that made me begin forgetting how awesome the magic bullet reveal was last issue.

The information disk conveniently reacts to Kal-el's DNA to tell him this story (I suppose it belonged to his aunt and grandmother on his mom's side who, he just found out, were residents of Kandor). It identifies him as Kal-el and then begins talking to him in the third person about what an asshole Kal-el is. And then some soldiers just happened to surround Superman, Supergirl, and Batman to realize Superman is the evil Kal-el. Superman and Supergirl being distracted enough to be surrounded? I believe that. But Batman is here! Maybe the harsh gravity inside the city has really thrown him off of his game.

Batman invades the tower to rescue the Kandorsheep while Superman and Supergirl seal the bottle from the inside. Idiots. This could have been over so quickly with one red sun cork!

The person behind it all is Xa-du, the Phantom King. He's so forgettable that I keep forgetting to add him to every list of possible suspects whenever somebody is picking on Superman. I hope we get some explanation how he found the Batcave and hacked into the Batcomputer in an earlier issue! Because that was the most difficult part of his plan so far.

Xa-du's super soldiers are Tali, Superman's grandmom, and Superman's aunt. Next issue, Superman will have to punch his Nana in the face.

Batman Loves Superman #19 Rating: No change. When I hear Xa-du the Phantom King is the enemy in a story arc, I instantly begin to lose interest. Maybe he's the kind of villain that really old school readers of DC Comics like to have appear so they can feel nostalgic and young again. To me, there's just something strange and awkward about his entire existence. Maybe that's the point? He's from The Phantom Zone, a place out of time. He shouldn't fit in to modern day comic books. Seeing him is how I would imagine seeing a modern movie if an actor from the forties time traveled to today to be one of the stars. It would be so hard to watch because acting styles from seventy years ago just don't mesh with what we expect from actors today. What I'm trying to say politely is that Xa-du is a boner shriveller! Anyway, this was a bit of a letdown after the awesome reveal from last issue but still a pretty solid story.

Justice League #39

Superman's thumb is jacked up.

Once again, the Justice League faces a possible world ending crisis. And the person behind it all? Lex Luthor. And he's still on the team? Yeah, probably. Sure, he claims it was an accident but the Amazo Virus is still his fault. Batman once knocked out Guy Gardner with far less reason; I think it's time Bats gave Lex a shot too.

The Virus has pretty much infected everybody except Wonder Woman, Superman, and Lex Luthor. Maybe a few other billion humans haven't been affected either but when have they mattered? I'm only discussing characters that will get a few lines in this comic book. Now they have to battle the other members of the Justice League who have turned into a bunch of zombies controlled by some kind of virus hive mind. I expect about ten pages at least to be wasted on another good guy on good guy battle before Lex Luthor points out that Superman's body is full of antibodies so he needs to start pissing in the eyes of the infected to cure them. If that doesn't happen, I'm going to be severely disappointed.

You also battled her more recently in the pages of Batwoman! Remember?! Or is that story, like the Killer Croc story from Batwoman, not canon anymore?! It had one of the top ten emotional moments for me in The New 52 when Diana put Pegasus out of his misery!

While Lex Luthor runs off to fix up a cure by taking a sample of Superman's blood, Wonder Woman remains behind to stall the League. They're slowly getting their powers back which could be trouble. Especially when Aquaman is once again able to communicate with fish. *snicker*

The best part about getting to fight her mind controlled teammates is that Wonder Woman gets to take out all of her frustrations on them without paying any kind of cost. Batman was a condescending prick? Break his nose! Once caught Shazam trying to peak down your top? Kick him in the balls. Flash made too many corny jokes? Break his...oh wait. I was thinking of Wally. Flash bored you over and over and over again? Break Barry's ankle.

Captain Cold joins the battle to fight by Wonder Woman's side.

Hmm. This seems oddly familiar!

This is Doom Bunny as Wonder Woman and me as Captain Cold! Just in case half of you internet denizens can't tell, my outfit is blue and gold, not white and black!

While they battle, Lex Luthor lectures Superman on diseases. But for some reason, he includes hemophilia in his list of diseases that have killed leaders and dynasties. Probably because he couldn't think of very many examples so he padded his list with genetic disorders. After Geoff Johns' bit about bats being blind and bullets freezing in mid-air if the temperature of the air were reduced to absolute zero, I'm beginning to think I might have to evict Ann Nocenti from the Knowledge Fun Farm and replace her with Geoff Johns. And let's not forget his bad math in Justice League #7 where the team explain how often Cyborg's BOOM Tubes yank them off to Apokolips!

Which means you're going to have to piss in everybody's eyes! Get the Gatorade ready! Stat!

Captain Cold winds up saving the day by confusing Patient Zero with his freeze gun. That gives Superman the go ahead to use his freeze breath which he was worried about using because he didn't want Patient Zero stealing his copyright. Apparently the virus can't deal with the cold, so Superman freezes him into solid ice and all the other infected zombies drop to the ground and slide back into comas. Hurray! I think.

Lex Luthor pouts because he didn't get to save the day his way. Although the day is far from saved! I'm sure a big twist is about to happen! Like Patient Zero escaping with his heat vision!

Except that doesn't happen. Everybody gets vaccinated except for those few families that don't understand science so I guess they die instead. Or The Flash just inoculates them when they aren't looking and then throws a dead bee on the ground near them so they're none the wiser. But three percent of the infected get to retain their super powers! It's like Bloodlines all over again! A whole bunch of new heroes waiting for Work For Hire writers to create them so DC can cash in on the ones that become popular! Three cheers for corporate greed!

Plus some guy named Amos Fortune eats a candy cigarette as he watches the sunset and thinks about how none of the assassins he sent out managed to kill Lex Luthor.

And what of Patient Zero?!

Surprise twist! He's the new Amazo!

And finally, Hal Jordan comes back to Earth to teach Power Ring how to control her symbiotic alien ring. I'm sure it works almost exactly like a Green Lantern ring. Except exactly the opposite.

Justice League #39 Rating: +2 Ranking because Captain Cold was pretty much the hero. Everybody should start kissing his ass now. This is probably a better version of Amazo simply because I like him being an incubator for a sentient virus more than I like him being a robot. And I guess we're not done with Darkseid since next issue is the prelude to something called The Darkseid War. Fucking Christ. After World's End, I really don't care if I never read another Darkseid or Apokolips story in my life! I might have to kill myself before Justice League #41. Not #40 because I think I can handle a prelude! Plus I don't want to miss the big Conversion Event!

Teen Titans #7

In this issue, Wonder Girl makes out with Beast Boy's tentacle. I hope that's his tentacle.

I'm going to start playing a lot of old school text and graphic adventures in my spare time, so I'm going to be asking you all for help when I get stuck. Like sometimes, I'll be all, "I don't know how to get past the overly talkative mime that keeps pretending I'm trapped in her invisible box with her. In my inventory, I've got a package of bubble gum, a forked stick, a telescoping claw, and a .44 magnum with no ammunition. What do I do?!" And you'll all be, "Oh! That's easy! Shoot the mime with the gun and the mime will pretend a bullet has been fired out of it and die dramatically!" And I'll be, "Oh! Thanks! Man, I should have known that!" And you'll all think, "That Tess is an idiot as well as a jerk."

I should probably save that puzzle for my the next text adventure I write! Nobody steal it!

The first thing I notice when I open the cover is that Kenneth Rocafort is back doing the art. I probably should have noticed that when I was looking at the cover but I only sometimes read the names of the creators. Usually I already know who they are and if it changes, I'll notice when I open the book. Like this time! Anyway, I guess I'd better prepare myself for chaotic panel layouts, weird lines drawn helter skelter outside all of the panels, and lots of people looking like they haven't washed their hair in five days.

Last issue, STAR Labs turned into a mushroom cloud. This issue, the Teen Titans head to the site to investigate. Don't worry. They're superheroes. Radiation either doesn't hurt them or just gives them more super powers.

Once at Ground Zero, Red Robin takes some readings and breathes a huge sigh of relief as he reports no signs of radiation. If he's such a super genius, shouldn't he have made sure of that first? I mean, the others would have been fine! Power Girl and Wonder Girl are probably immune. Raven can cleanse the air around her. Beast Boy can turn into a cockroach. Bunker could surround himself with bricks. But they still don't know who caused this! But they know a shirtless cool British smoker who knows!

Darn! I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be John Constantine minus his shirt!

Operation Paperclip is that operation where the allies scooped up all the horrible Nazi doctors and scientists so that they could benefit from all of the horrible knowledge they gained from gassing people. Are we still going to use Nazi doctors as antagonists? Do the Teen Titans even know who the Nazis were? That was like bunches of decades ago! And it had nothing to do with hip hop or pop music or Harry Potter!

I bet out of all these kids, only Red Robin knows about it and that's only because we have to, collectively, maintain the illusion that he's a super genius. If just one of us points out that his brain has no clothes, the entire illusion will unravel! So believe hard, boys and girls! Just remember that if Tim Drake is going to later become Harvest, he must be a super genius!

It's seriously bugging me that Manchester Black said "Of course you did" instead of "Of course you have."

I'm still not certain how the bad guys who set off the nuclear bomb survived the blast! But that's just because I'm a terrible comic book reader. I can believe in a boy that can change himself into any animal he can think of (but he can't turn into female versions of them. Arbitrary!) but I can't believe in a nuclear bomb that people standing at ground zero of the blast can survive. I guess I'm just not imaginative enough!

Wonder Girl kidnaps one of the bad guys and Raven reads his mind to find out that the bad men are going to erase part of New York City. The bad men also apparently have access to time travel. Also they can teleport because the bad man disappears. The Titans just stand around doing nothing, just like Power Girl accused them of always doing. Instead of rushing in to stop the people stealing the STAR Labs weapons while Raven interrogates the prisoner, they just stand around watching Raven work. Wonder Girl did inform the rest of them that a bunch of guys were stealing shit, right? No? Did she just keep that part to herself? Well, whatever happened, it's too late now! New York is about to get erased!

Oh, I guess they don't have time travel or teleportation. They just have a Fermata Device.

Before Manchester Black can finish his explanation of whatever bullshit he was explaining, the Bad Men (now with capital letters!) activate the Fermata Device again. I guess they want to molest some women on a subway or something before they activate The Eraser. Raven and Beast Boy are the only two not affected by the device because Raven is magical and Beast Boy comes up with a brilliant theory about how Mayflies must live in a slowed down version of time to make up for their twenty-four hour lifespan.

Wait, did I say brilliant? Just replace that with...oh, never mind. He can have that one.

Raven and Beast Boy discover the Fermata Device and Gar destroys it because he's not the smartest Teen Titan. I mean, really, I think the main danger was the Eraser! It would have been better to destroy that while he had lots of free Fermata time!

I think transforming from a mayfly into a whale breaks about a dozen laws of thermodynamics. Are there a dozen of those? Maybe there are only three!

Once time is restored, Raven teleports the rest of the Titans to their location to help destroy the Eraser. Of course, if Gar had left the Fermata Device alone, Raven still could have teleported the rest of the group into the space where time was working just fine. Just a little Monday morning quartersportsing!

Beast Boy turns into a rhino and charges into the Eraser, destroying it. Then the lead Bad Man begins chanting, "This is all according to plan!" Oh fuck. Not another one of these assholes. I'm so sick of asshole bad guys devising plans where they fail the first part of the plan and get their asses kicked before the part of the plan that will work kicks into gear. Do they just love getting their asses beat while they work? Why is this part of the fucking plan, you idiots?!

Raven shuts the guy up with her dark magics but since this was only Part One of the story, the team had better listen to that whole bit about this failure being part of the plan.

Beast Boy discovers that the hologram camera used to threaten all of New York was still up and running during the fight. So they all pose in front of it!

Now two (or more?) of you fuck for the city!

This is actually a good moment and one that this team has needed for three years. During all of Lobdell's run, the Teen Titans were never a public team. Perhaps the only time anybody might have noticed them was when they battled Trigon in the middle of New York. But of course, that was just used to turn the city and its inhabitants against the team. But then when this series began, the team was somehow popular enough that they have groupies all over the place. It didn't really make any sense. But this moment solidifies their place as teen saviors of New York and beloved local heroes! This might be the moment where I'm going to get all turned around on this series because this moment is so important.

So now that the city has a reason to love the Teen Titans, they can get to some serious work kicking ass! And now when people flock to them and copy them and worship them, I won't bitch about it anymore. They've actually become celebrities through the story instead of Pfeifer constantly telling us that they're celebrities.

Now I just need a flashback where Red Robin tells everybody that he's Tim Drake. Although even when he was keeping his identity secret, he palled around with his team without a mask on. Is he too stupid to realize that a thing like reverse image search exists on Google? I'm sure there are plenty of pictures of him at Wayne Enterprise functions hanging out with Bruce Wayne that any of the Titans could have found easily enough. I think they were all just letting him have his secret while all pretending not to know. And then between Lobdell's run and this one, he eventually told them and they all went, "Oh! We're so surprised!"

Also, Tim might have told them in Lobdell's run and I simply forgot all about it. I mean, he did have sex with all the female members that time he was possessed by Trigon (who, according to  the comic book Trigon #1, loves and adores rape).

The issue ends on an ominous note that threatens to make me take back everything nice I just said about it.

Burnyman McCracklingface is the new Harvest!

Teen Titans #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this really what the Teen Titans needs? They get another shot at life after the mess Lobdell put them through and now they've got another Harvest on their asses? I liked this issue but I can't stand that whole according to plan bullshit. It's not ominous; it's just annoying as fuck. If these guys are such geniuses that they can devise plans where they get their asses kicked over and over and over again because that's what needs to happen to finally beat the good guys, how about just scrapping that plan and coming up with one where you never get your asses kicked in the first place? I think that would be far easier to plan than some kind of Rube Goldberg machine of getting your ass kicked where hundreds of thousands of pieces have to fall exactly into place for everything to work out just right. So many random things could go wrong at any moment! What if Superman had decided to get involved? That would have ruined the plan, right? What if The Eraser had actually worked! Would that have ruined the plan? Just knock it off with these convoluted plans, Bad Guys! Whatever happened to just shooting the good guy in the face with a flamethrower? I mean, that never works either but at least it makes sense that somebody would try it! You know, as opposed to going into battle with a flamethrower you never actually plan on using because you want to lose. "Whoops, The Batman! Look at that! I just dropped my flamethrower and accidentally kicked it into a storm drain! What am I ever to do?!"

Wonder Woman #39

She'll bring home the bacon! Fry it up in a pan! Beat up some bad guys! And never let you forget you're Superman!

Poor, poor Wonder Woman! She's so stressed out from her busy life as a surrogate mother to Zeke, as a crime fighter for the Justice League, as a girlfriend to Superman, and as a princess to the Amazons on Paradise Island. Nobody ever told her being a modern woman would be so difficult! Well, Aquaman tried to tell her. But who listens to him?

Wonder Woman has been devoting most of her time to one of the Justice League's new mysteries. Small villages around the globe have been disappearing and nobody knows why. Although the first one was wiped out by a flood when a dam was destroyed, I thought. That didn't seem like much of a mystery at all! But everybody, including Swamp Thing, treated it as a mystery. It's possible Meredith Finch wasn't able to explain it as well as she would have liked to since David kept pestering her about writing parts of the story that would highlight Wonder Woman's ass. But now while investigating one of these lost villages, Superman has also been lost! Let's hope he hasn't been mind controlled again!

Does a drone with a spotlight constantly follow Wonder Woman around to light her perfectly?

So they found Superman smashing bugs deep in the tunnels. I'm sure he's not being controlled by a super insect lodged in his ear or anything. They follow a swarm of the bugs deeper into the cave where they find hundreds of humans wrapped up in spider webs. They also discover a humanoid figure standing in the middle of the cavern. Wonder Woman decides the best course of action is to run up and stab it in the back. No "Hello, can we help you?" No "What are you doing in this bug infested cave, sir?" Not a single doubt that this figure is behind the disappearance of all the villagers across the world. Even if I were to believe that this is Wonder Woman's usual attitude, it would be hard to swallow that she's being this careless in the same storyline where she already did this same exact thing to Swamp Thing only to find out she was attacking an ally. Hopefully she's right this time about this person being an enemy because she practically chops off a kidney on her first surprise attack.

Well, at least he was definitely one of the enemies.

As you can see, Wonder Woman has now proclaimed herself justice. When people have been kidnapped and used for food by ravenous insect people, she'll be there! When Superman needs a hot bowl of soup and person he can vent to about his day (while she hopefully remains quiet about hers), she'll be there! When Zeke needs to be protected from Zeus's first born asshole, she'll be there! When the Amazons need a leader to protect them against rampaging monsters, she'll...well, she can't be everywhere now, can she?

After nearly murdering the insect man, Superman stops her because he doesn't approve of the way she's acting. That's when she sends the men out of the room so she can have a good cry. Because nobody wants to read a too masculine Wonder Woman who only punches and stabs and murders! That's a total turn off! We need her to be all feminine and emotional as well! It's a good thing the Finches are keeping the proper balance of the Wonder Woman we're all used to, vacillating between blood lust and emotional collapse!

Oh, fuck you and your man-lines, Batman.

The Finches are writing the definitive Wonder Woman story here! Here we see how they're comparing what it's like to be a "woman" super hero versus being a "man" super hero. It's quite different, you know! But it takes a great writer and artist to portray the subtleties between the sexes. As you can see, Batman is a man not just because he has "man" in his name but because he is coldly logical and doesn't let his emotions get in the way. Wonder Woman is a woman not just because she has "woman" in her name but because she's ruled by emotion over boundaries and rules. She kills not because she's a violent, testosterone riddled hairy beast but because she's so consumed with love for her fellow human that anybody capable of killing other humans must be killed. And then she cries about it, just in case you didn't understand how feminine she is after she's been spattered in blood and gore.

Batman acts like a male when he points out that he's better than Wonder Woman. See how he makes sure she realizes that he won't be responsible for the death of this insect-man because he has self-control. But she acted like an amateur that doesn't understand that Batman believes everybody needs to follow the same rules he follows. That's what men do! They think everybody should act how they act because duh! They're men!

That's right, sister! You put that fucker in his place!

This argument has probably been pointed out to Batman a number of times over the course of his career. I know I've mentioned it once or twice that, at times, Batman's lack of killing only assures that more people will die. It's ultimately arrogant and simply maintains Batman's thirty two year streak of never having killed anybody. People might die but at least Batman can point out that he didn't kill any of them, whether or not their deaths could have been prevented if he'd only killed the person that killed them. I think this argument only works if we discard Batman's "higher standard" argument. I've never been a fan of the idea that Batman doesn't kill because then he'd be like the criminals he tries to stop. Who the fuck cares?! But if we, and Wonder Woman, were to understand that Batman doesn't kill because he knows it will drive him to a place where he kills again and again because it's easier, then I completely understand why Batman refuses to kill. Like an addict, he knows that one kill will lead to more kills. That's the way I see Batman's aversion to killing. But in that scenario, Batman needs to simply shut up about the possible blood on Diana's hands. If his aversion to killing is simply about himself, then he shouldn't become a didactic, preachy dick to other people who choose to kill. Unless, perhaps, he seems to see something of himself in them and their drive to kill. I think if it were a personal choice because he's a murder addict, his relationship with Jason Todd would really come into focus and become a whole lot more interesting.

Later, Wonder Woman questions herself because Batman questioned her. Could he know her better than she knows herself?! I mean, probably because he is The Jeezly Crow Batman! The ghost of her mother appears to tell her she's doing what she's supposed to be doing since she's an Amazon and Amazon's love to murder out of fear. Seems like good advice!

And then finally, the lost male "Amazons" appear in the comic. Just in time to see them packing up to leave the island!

Good riddance to man rubbish! Get the fuck out! Don't let the door hit you on the dick on the way out!

Why does Wonder Woman even care? Weren't these brothers of the Amazons fine living with Hephaestus? Why can't they just go back to that life? Besides, who wants to live on an island full of women but you can't have sex with any of those women because they're all your sisters?! Some weird hanky panky is going to eventually take place and I'm going to feel really grossed out when I'm aroused by it.

Diana heads into Themyscira to tell her people to leave the whiny, pathetic, impotent men alone. But when she enters the city, she finds a crowd of people listening to a woman she's never seen before: Donna Troy!

What?! That's like the exact opposite of Wonder Woman's plan. I sense conflict in their future!

Wonder Woman is all, "The men are mine! I protect them because they are weak!" And Donna Troy is all, "Who the fuck are you, bitch?" And Wonder Woman is all, "I'm the Queen!" And Donna Troy is all, "Funny, I've never heard of you? Have any of you ever heard of her?" And all the Amazons are all, "What? Diana who? Seems like I kind of remember somebody by that name that used to not live in London and actually lived where she was needed." And Wonder Woman is all, "Die! I love to murder out of fear!" And Donna Troy is all, "Bring it!" And then the comic book is over before they get to the sword fight which seems like quite the male thing to do.

Wonder Woman #39 Rating: No change. I'm not really sure how good this book is because I'm enjoying being a huge dick about it. Sometimes I can't rightly judge through my own hyperbole. One thing I know for sure: Aubrey Plaza should play Donna Troy in the horrible movie version of this series.

PS I can't wait to see how the Insect Queen story arc merges with the Donna Troy Queen story arc! So subtle!