Multiversity: Teen Justice #1 (August 2022)

I made it to 2025 before I could say, "Robin gave me a boner."

I'm going to assume that the "teen" in Teen Justice means "thirty-three". And you fucking are too! And also Brec Bassinger was 21 when she starred in The WB's Stargirl so it wasn't at all inappropriate when I was thinking ... well, never you mind what I was thinking! I'll admit it was gross and problematic but I'm no Slade Wilson! At least I was Terra's age, if not maturity, when I was thinking, "I want Terra to put my pee-pee in her girl pee-pee!" If anything, I'm more like Lobo. I only bang consenting adults and space dolphins. Like Lobo, if I ever do anything inappropriate, it's probably because I'm alien and don't understand Earth culture and also I'm amoral. Also like Lobo, I would never commit genocide unless it was planetary genocide. I think as long as it's the total destruction of everybody on the planet, it's less morally repugnant than ethnic cleansing. Come on! We've all had fantasies of being the only person left on Earth and going through other people's abandoned houses and reading their diaries and trying on their lady underwear. Haven't we?

This is the final issue that I bought for $1 at a garage sale about a month ago (not counting Not All Robots #2 which I can't read until I get the rest of Mark Russell's series). If I enjoy it, I guess I'll have to track down the rest. But I couldn't pass it up because I just can't help but love any comic book cover with the 52 rainbow universes down the side. Why don't they do it with every DC book? It would make everything so clear! I wouldn't have to wonder if there were three Jokers in the book I'm currently reading. Or why Robin is hot. Or why Batman needs to drink blood on the daily. I mean nightly. Couldn't it also work with the Absolute titles and all the other shit DC is currently doing? Just stick all the stories in different universes and make it clear which one the story takes place in with this rainbow spine!

The only issue I have with this issue before reading it is that it's not written by Grant Morrison. It's possible the little rainbow numbers are less the reason I love these Multiversity covers and more because they're supposed to have a Grant Morrison story within them.

Our story begins on Earth-11, the Gender-Swapped Earth. That's why I finally found Robin hot! The joke wasn't "Oh look! I think a teenager is sexy!" The joke was "Oh look! It took until I was in my fifties to find Robin the Boy Wonder attractive!" No wait. That's not a better explanation! Here, look at this panel so the part of your brain that enjoys looking at things takes over from the part of your brain that thinks about things!

I made it to 2025 before I could say, "Klarion the Witch Boy gave me a boner."

What's happening is H.I.V.E. is attacking downtown Earth-11 Major City looking for the lady version of Silas Stone and Teen Justice are trying to stop them while 75% of their concentration is focused on banter. A girl with purplish hair has just arrived from Earth-11 Rural Town to live the city life where dumb yokels won't make fun of her colored hair or her lip ring or her sexual maturity. I hope she's not the lady version of Danny Chase. If she is, I'm going to carefully tear out every page of this comic book, roll them up really tight, and sound the fuck out of my pee hole. Then I'm going to hum into the other end until the resonance makes my kidneys explode. As I bleed out, I'll smile and mutter, "I win, Lady Danny Chase. I don't have to read about you."

The new girl's name is Georgia but she goes by Gigi. Now who on The-Usual-Old-Genders Earth is named George? I don't think anybody so it can't be figured out.

Oh shit! I was so into Brother Blood when I was younger that my prostate will probably explode when I see Sister Blood!

While Gigi goes about doing whatever the fuck she's doing that's so important that this issue is called "The New Girl in Town", Teen Justice speak with Dr. Stone. She's working on, um, teleportation, I think, so she suspects that's what H.I.V.E. is after. As Aquagirl and Supergirl discuss it, the entire concept of Gender-Swapped Earth begins to unravel.

So am I supposed to believe that bee hives are run by kings? Or that the gender-swapping laws of this Earth don't give a fuck about logic?

There's always a third choice, I guess: most of the characters presenting as ladies have dicks and the ones presenting as male have the opposite of dicks. I don't like typing the word for "opposite of dicks" because it makes me too horny. I don't know if this third possibility makes any sense in the context of Gender-Swapped Earth but then having a King Bee run H.I.V.E. has short-circuited my logic neurons.

Raven shows up to secretly investigate too even though he's not part of the team. Troy notices him with his super-see-invisible powers and tries to suck his dick. Raven is all, "Look, I want you to suck my dick but I'm pretty sure my super rapey mother will try to kill you and your friends. So, maybe pass?" But Troy, like just about every other guy in existence, is all, "That sounds like an even trade."

And then Sister Blood makes an appearance and my prostate does the opposite of explode. It shrivels into a wrinkled little raisin. Now I can't blast my load on anybody! It's just going to dribble out like a sad turtle weeping.

I guess it was sexist of me to expect Sister Blood to be even more flamboyant than Brother Blood. But this? Ugh. Boring!

Gigi is in the audience. Did she come to join the church for the free food and shelter and mass killings? Or did she break the first law of moving to the city from rural America: don't become friends with the first asshole who tries to befriend you. That's because that person is either going to be a crook or a loser. And you don't want to kill your new city life by becoming friends with a loser! You can deal with being friends with a crook though. That could wind up being a toss up for your reputation. But even worse than both of those: a religious nut!

Later, Robin and Supergirl fuck up protecting S.T.A.R. Labs. They're defeated by Thunder and Lightning who manage to steal Dr. Stone's data. But that's not important right now! What's important is the Church of Blood and maybe seeing if Sister Blood isn't wearing something as fantastic as Brother Blood's get-up under her boring robe. Maybe something that accentuates her nipples and her pubis?

Teekl! I'm glad Cohen and Lore didn't pull the whole Red Dwarf idea of gender-swapping cats with dogs!

I know that, technically, Red Dwarf's universal law of gender swapping wasn't that dogs are the opposite gender of cats. It was more that Lady Lister just liked dogs while Laddie Lister was into cats. Also because it was funnier to have Cat be all hot and horny for a Lady Cat and being confronted with a stupid Dog.

As I was saying before I was distracted by Teekl, Raven has come to Teen Justice to let them know that the world is threatened by the Church of Blood. Not that Raven knows what I'm about to say but they're kidnapping people who have come to them for help and family! They're being placed in holding pens while only a select few at the sermon have been chosen as Initiates, Gigi being one of them. It also turns out that Thunder and Lightning stole Doctor Stone's data for Sister Blood. So I guess H.I.V.E. was just a distraction. It would have been better to leave them out of it because my brain still hurts from the idea of a King Bee.

Anyway, forget H.I.V.E.! There's a panel where Sister Blood's robe is hanging over a changing stall which means we're going to get to see what outrageous look she was hiding from her disciples!

Boo! That's even worse than the robe! I want the Church of Blood not the Green Lantern Corps!

The other woman in the panel is Kilowog because I guess Kilowog is both a boy and a girl name.

Multiversity: Teen Justice #1 Rating: B. Sure, it was decent. One dollar decent, of course! I don't know about five dollars decent! It was better than most every Teen Titans story I ever read though because they're trying to stop criminals from doing crime instead of just battling their family. I might pick up the other issues if they're cheap enough since I'll probably be heading to the comic book store later today to pick up DC KO #1. Plus I'm going to the Frankenstein Comic Swap later this month (probably!) so maybe I can find the other issues for super cheap there. There was a reprinted New Year's story at the end but I don't think I need to comment on reprints. What if I eventually get the original?! I have to save my rambling for then! Although I will provide y'all with one panel.

See? Teen adjacent! Meaning "thirty three"!

Map of the DC Universe from Multiversity

I couldn't find a readable version of this map online for my old eyes so I figured I'd post one here.

Shrunken version. It's actually huge so click thru to see the thing as big as you need.

Multiversity #2

I'm afraid to read this.

If I read this, there is a chance that I won't understand what the fuck I've been reading across the last nine months. And if that happens, I'll feel like a huge idiot failure and I'll probably need to feel better about myself somehow. Maybe I can start up a Tumblr where I just call everybody out for being an Islamophobe. Maybe I could sell shirts with arrows pointing to the left or right and under the arrow it can say, "I'm with this Ableist, Racist, Misogynistic Islamophobe." Fuck, I think that shirt would be a huge seller! Seriously, you could stand next to anybody with that shirt and it would probably be accurate. Especially if they're your parents! Maybe it's a bit too much though. How about selling shirts with arrows pointing to the left or right and under the arrow it just reads "Problematic"? And if you feel the people you're around a lot are a bit more than problematic, the shirt can read "Gross". Maybe it can even come with a little square piece of cloth the same color of the shirt that can cover up the arrow for those days when somebody calls you out and you want to act appropriately by not arguing but shutting your stupid problematic mouth and rolling over like a good, kind, sensitive person should.

This issue begins with some narrator pointing out that the story goes on with or without me. Not in my world it doesn't! I can stop reading and never read any more about this book and this is where it would end. At least for me. And what else is there? But I paid $4.49 for this comic book so I'm going to read it. I guess my hands are tied.

Oh god I hope I understand it! I should say a prayer!

Baby Jesus. I know I said I would never ask you for another favor if you allowed me to tie my shoe in one try way back in the early nineties in Greeley, Colorado, but I have to ask you for one more favor. What is one more favor to you? An omnipotent little guy with the power to return from the dead and piss off all of the local religious leaders. Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? When you were pointing out the idiocy of the Pharisees and their laws, were people constantly Tweeting you and calling you an anti-semite? You were kind of mocking their religion and being totally gross and all. Not cool, Jesus. I'm not saying you deserved to be crucified but, come on, you weren't exactly blameless! Anyway, I'm getting off track here! I was hoping that you'd give me the mental wherewithal to understand this whole Grant Morrison Multiversity thing so that I don't look like a complete idiot in front of all forty-five of my followers! Do we have a deal?

Okay! Now that that insurance is out of the way, let's read Multiversity for reals!

The House of Heroes in the Orrery of Worlds is currently under attack by a gigantic octopus. That's probably one of The Gentry but I don't remember them all so it might also just be one of the pets of Doctor Sivana. Or it might be a version of Doctor Sivana! The Harbinger Computer System sends out an SOS to all fifty-two worlds because they need more heroes to save the Multiverse!

As the call for help echoes across the Multiverse, our attention turns to Earth-13 where Superdemon and his magical compatriots live. Their world has been invaded by vampires from another Earth, most likely Earth-43. The vampires came out of Sivana's Transmatter Cube which I suppose is just as effective as Lex Luthor's Transmatter Cube but more cartoony.

Superdemon doesn't just rhyme on Earth-13; he fucking sonnets, motherfuckers.

Superdemon and the League of Shadows hop through the cube and into the Sivana's High-Tech Rock of Eternity. Waiting on the other side of the Transmatter Cube is the Blood League of Earth-43! That's basically the Justice League if they were all vampires. Vampire Doctor Sivana is stabbed to death by Fate while the Blood League is taken out by Annataz.

I hear once you go black with two lumps and a hint of cream you never go back.

During the battle, Hannibal Sivana and Hissivana sneak off through the Transmatter Cube to Earth-18 where the Justice Riders live. Hannibal takes a justice bullet in the head and Hissivana pukes up one of the chibi-robot Justice Leaguers he ate a few comic books back. As he's surrounded by the Justice Riders, the Narrator from the beginning who spoke of reading comic books and being enamored by the medium begins to awaken once more. Is this why the story would go on with or without me? Because the simple act of Morrison writing it brought it into being and that we, the audience, are merely incidental to its existence?

The Narrator has been woken by a crisis appearing across every world in the Multiverse. Red skies and black lightning surround each Earth as the residents battle with foes promised glory by The Gentry.

On Earth-36, the heroes battle an undead Optiman who was killed by SuperDoomsday in Action Comics.

The Narration in the above panel is something I was talking about in my Batman #40 blog entry. The comic book universe is one that is written as if the story is approaching some ending but that ending just never comes. Even when Crisis on Infinite Earths ended at issue #12, it couldn't actually end. It wasn't the final word on anything no matter how much DC Comics wanted it to be. The Comic Book Universe exists simply to perpetuate conflict. So an epic event is never the resolution to a conflict but simply a means to create more conflict. Nobody wants a universe that's winding down because it's resolving all of its problems one by one! We need conflict! Conflict! CONFLICT!

As the conflicts on each Earth ramp up, more heroes are pulled from their worlds and into the House of Heroes to help fight The Gentry. Abin Sur from Earth-20 finally arrives. And Adam Familiar from the Bizarro Universe. And Doctor Nemo, one of the Agents of W.O.N.D.E.R. from Earth-39. And many, many others. This must be the part where Harbinger and Dino-cop come up with a plan!

That's the plan?! Who let the guy with the walnut-sized brain come up with the plan?!

The Gentry attacking the House of Heroes is Hellmachine and, according to the Narrator, it is the 999th forbidden name of the third angel of despair and countless are its legions. In other words, it's bad ass. Hellmachine has found his way to the House of Heroes because Chibi-Robot Wonder Woman and Chibi-Robot Steel of Earth-42 are in the House. And they are his teeny, tiny robot spies. That is the great and terrible secret of Earth-42!

Atomic Knight Batman pulls out his Multiversity Guidebook which can help restore the Harbinger A.I. But I think first they decide to read one of the stories in his copy that wasn't in my copy:

Superjudge! And, um, Special Thanks to Dave Wyndorf and Monster Magnet?! I knew he was a comic book geek since he's appeared on Tell 'em Steve Dave a number of times. But what did he do to get a mention?!

Superjudge will solve his Rubik's Cube in seventeen moves which will tear holes in all space and time allowing The Gentry access to all the planets. Brunch places and record shops will proliferate across the Multiverse! All art and creativity will be channeled into DJing clubs and parties and, well, just practicing with the front door open so that people passing on the sidewalk will know how fucking cool you are. White people will be everywhere! Standing in line for artisan pizza! Standing in line for artisan ice cream! Standing in line for artisan burritos! The Multiverse will become a bland, boring place full of unbearable assholes!

If Captain Carrot and his friends can't stop Superjudge and The Gentry, I might have to begin reading Marvel.

Let me just point out that my previous rant took place before I read this page.

Captain Carrot gets his head blasted off just before he's about to eat one of his cosmic carrots. But he's a cartoon character so a little loss of noggin doesn't bother him much. While his body continues to fight and wait for a mouth to feed the carrot, Captain Carrot's head makes friends with Nix Uotan's monkey pal. He explains to Captain Carrot that Nix Uotan is opening the doors to let The Gentry in because he realizes, somewhere inside him that is still a monitor, that an open door can be entered from either side.

Meanwhile, Harbinger A.I. comes back online thanks to the infusion of The Multiversity Guidebook and maybe some of the data from the Chibi-Robot hard drives. Before Hellmachine can eat her mind, The Marvel Family spears it with the Sivana's False Rock of Eternity. It's eaten by the creatures of The Bleed and The Marvels join the fight at the House of Heroes.

Red Racer helps Captain Carrot get back on his neck. And Captain Carrot helps Red Racer by giving him a bunch of comic books to read.

Wait! There were connections to be made across all the comic book?! I just thought they were big brawls!

Superjudge completes the Rubik's Cube in fifteen moves as Red Racer runs around the world going in and out of all the newly opened portals. He comes back nearly instantly with a whole army of speedsters! Flashes to the rescue! Usually they cause Cosmic Crises but this time, they're going to fucking end one! With fifteen near infinite-mass punches, The Flashes knock out Superjudge. Nix Uotan crawls from out of Superjudge's head as good as new. If by "new" you were thinking "as is" and don't mind one eye being popped by a trident.

But then The Gentry arrive through the doors opened by Superjudge's Rubik's Cube. But Harbinger A.I., using The Multiversity Guidebook, has learned a thing or two about opening gates herself.

I kind of feel, since I began reading comics with Crisis on Infinite Earths, that I should stop reading them altogether when this is over!

The heroes of every world easily defeat The Gentry in this final battle. Except it's not the end because it's never really the end. Endings are dumb and boring. Nix Uotan mentions that an empty hand is at the end. And now it's time to find that thing behind The Gentry. It awaits Superman of Earth-23 and the rest behind the still standing door of The Gentry known as Lord Broken. The door leads to where it all began on Earth-7. It leads to a throne room made from the ruins of the world.

When is the last time anybody saw a picture of Dan Didio?

The giant antlered person explains that his legion of Gentry are building an Oblivion Machine which will tell the final chapter of the DC Universe. You know, that chapter that will never actually be written except in alternate timelines and elseworld tales? Although The Empty Hand does point out that the Gentry are feeding on Multiverse-2, so maybe sometimes the final chapter does get told.

By the way, what is Multiverse-2? The Silver Age? Or a universe that no reader has ever heard of because its story was told and destroyed and devoured?

The Empty Hand teleports the heroes back to Earth-8 to await the day of their final issues. In the meantime, Superman of Earth-23 decides the Multiverse needs a Cosmic Neighborhood Watch. He names it Operation Justice Incarnate which seems a little bit over the top but what the hell. They are tasked with protecting fifty-two universes from a threat that originated on Earth-33. I guess the easiest way to access every universe is to start on the universe that has windows (aka comic books) to all of the other worlds.

For saving the Multiverse, Nix Uotan is rewarded with eight hundred dollars so that he can pay rent on his apartment on Earth-0.

So was it all a dream? Yeah, probably!

Does it matter? Wouldn't you prefer it being a dream, or simply a comic book in which Nix played a significant role, than have to think of it as an analogy about how comics can spread dangerous and important ideas and how we must protect the ability to keep ideas free, no matter how dangerous they might be, because it's better than cranking up the Oblivion Machine and keeping us all in the dark? Of course, we must be vigilant about what ideas take root in our hearts and minds. That's the part of the analogy that wound up with a crazy name of Operation Justice Incarnate! Plus I think there was a message about not letting Frank Miller into your house no matter how persistent he can be.

The Multiversity: Ultra Comics #1

Yay! I finally have a copy of a cursed comic book! Come and get me, Gentry!

This issue takes place on Earth-33 which is Earth Prime which is the fictional Earth of the DC Universe that represents the real Earth in which the DC Universe was created. I'm sure this entire plot will just be as confusing as that last sentence.

In my commentary on the first issue of The Multiversity (and a slight revisionist tweaking of them in the second issue), I pointed out that we, the readers, were going to be the heroes of this series. Because the only way the heroes could win the day and defeat The Gentry is if we continue reading the story to the ultimately heroic conclusion. That's why The Gentry want us to stop reading the comic book by writing "NOT" in big red letters on the cover of the comic book. They don't want us fucking up their plans by putting eyes to paper and setting the probable into the palpable.

I hope this is a Choose Your Own Adventure comic book! Or a Mad Lib! I want to be more than just a passive observer! I suppose I could get a pen and just draw dicks on everybody.

The issue begins with Ultra Comics telling me that he's from 38 pages and 24 hours into my future. Is that an insult? I may read slow but it doesn't take me a full day to read a forty page comic book! Asshole. He then tells me not to turn to the last page or "it's all over." Really?!

Ha ha ha! Fuck you, Ultra Comics!

Ultra also mentions that the comic book is indeed cursed. But with my help, he thinks he can stop the curse from spreading. But not the rest of you jerks! He tells the rest of you jerks not to turn the page or else your worlds will become infected too! And you don't want that because you can't handle it the way that I can. I'm a hero!

Except then some vines or centipedes or guts or something grab Ultra by the brain and he screams that the comic book is a trap called The Oblivion Machine and that I shouldn't turn the page.

I wonder if by "YOU!" he means me because I turned to the last page of the comic book when he told me not to? Maybe I'm the opposite of a hero! Whatever that is!

Ultra Comics says, "Do not turn the page for it is a trap, sir!" What do you do? If you turn the page, turn the page. If you choose not to turn the page, punch yourself in the genitals for wasting five dollars.

I choose to turn the page because I don't want to hit myself in the genitals again!

I wonder if I could have just given Grant Morrison five bucks to jerk off directly into my mouth?

Holy shit! This comic book is blowing my mind! There's a comic book character speaking directly to me! And everything he's saying is true! When I read his word balloon, it is like his voice is right in my head! And the comic book is a physical object! I've never had such a real and meaningful comic book experience in my whole entire life! Except maybe that time Groo ate some cheese dip. Ha ha! That was hilarious! Then somebody called him a mulcher and he got offended! Classic!

This guy tells me that I'm the secret identity of Ultra Comics. Me! He also says Ultra Comics has "thousands of secret identities" which kind of ruins the whole effect for me. I don't want to share this hero business with anybody with five bucks to blow on this comic book! I mean, one of those people could have been a girl! Eww!

On the next page, Ultra Comics rises out of a Four Color Printing Machine. He also has a big tube attached to his crotch because his cock must be massive! People are going to look at that and think, "Holy smokes! His secret identity must be that one guy with the massive cock!" They'll never guess it's me! I mean, they'll probably guess it's me!

Ultra Comics is all, "You can be a hero too if you just read this comic cover to cover!" But I'm all, "You just told me not to turn the page or to read the last page or to do anything, really!" And he's all, "That was probably a future version of me that doesn't know anything! Forget about him! It'll all be different somehow now!" And I'm all, "Bullshit! Comic book pages don't spontaneously change! It takes effort and a Sharpie and a lack of care for the potential future value of the comic book!"

After Ultra Comics is created, he only gets two pages to develop a history. So he saves Bruce Wayne's parents thus defeating Batman the only way he can be defeated! Then he saves Lois Lane from some Daemonites or something. Then Ultra Comics Boy Or Girl dies in a catastrophic crisis on infinite Ultra Comics unless it was just the Death in the Ultra Comics story. And then he goes all grim and modern and pulls out the intestines of some villain. He also gets an attitude with me, his secret identity! Hey buddy! I can stop reading at any time!

NO! Fuck you, Ultra Comics! FUCK. YOU. Right in the ass bone!

Ultra Comics merges with everybody reading the comic book and we all come in our pants with our various junk. He comes gushing waves of four color ink all over the floor of the lab where he was created. And suddenly he's ready to fight crime with the power of my imagination! I'm going to get him laid!

Ultra Comics heads out on his first adventure called "Out of His Box!" Since he's powered by my imagination and I want to get him laid, I Sharpie in the rest of the title: "...And Into Hers!"

The guy in the suit interrupts my comic book to tell me that Ultra Comics has been led into a trap. And then he adds that I have been led into a trap as well. Duh! I am Ultra Comics, buddy! You told me that! Why can't this guy remember what he already said?

While searching the strange, parallel world he's been sent to for his first adventure, Ultra Comics discovers he can hear his secret identities' thoughts as they read the comic book!

Oh god! I'm so embarrassed now!

Ultra Comics hasn't been led into a trap at all! He's the fucking cursed comic that's bringing the HIT (Hostile Independent Thought-form. Or a really super successful comic book) to all the other parallel worlds and/or our brains! Kill yourself, Ultra Comics! Kill yourself now!

See, it's annoying when you have somebody yelling at you to do as they say, isn't it, Ultra Comics?

I think what Ultra Comics is trying to say is that ideas are dangerous and yet we have no great security system to protect us from ideas. But he's wrong! We have the ultimate security to protect us from ideas! It's called bigotry and prejudice and close-mindedness and adamantly believing that whatever we believe is the best thing to believe!

Ultra Comics helps save a young woman from the Jussssstissssse Sssssossssssiety. That's a hissing joke because they're lizard people. I think. They might also be part spider people but I don't know what kinds of sounds spiders make because they're always drowned out by people screaming about how hideous they are.

After saving the young woman, she introduces Ultra Comics to her friends: The Neighborhood Guard! It's a bunch of kids fighting for their lives in a dystopian future where lizard people rule the wastelands! The kids have found one of Luthor's Transmatter Cube things and Ultra Comics helps deliver it to the grownups. I hope Ultra Comics doesn't wind up cursing the box and sending copies of his cursed comic books to all of the other worlds! Oh, of course that wouldn't happen. What will probably happen is Ultra Comics will talk to me some more and then blame me for cursing all of the other worlds because he's a fucking asshole that can't take responsibility for his own actions so he's going to blame the comic book readers.

The adults on this planet are all named Ultra. Even Ace Ultra from Justice League United is here! And for once somebody besides me calls him "Ace"! I really am in this comic book!

Oh, also? They're SUPER CANNIBALS!

Ultra Comics is captured so that he can be consumed by Ultraa! Ultraa was the original one and only Earth-Prime superhero who was the only survivor of a space ark that crashed into our sun. Controlled by a super computer named Maxitron, it sent Ultraa to Earth Prime to be the last survivor of his race. Eventually he was kidnapped to Earth-one by the Justice League of America because Earth-Prime just wasn't a great place for super heroes. Plus they fucked with all of our minds and erased all knowledge of him from our history! Those bastards! What gives them the right?!

Anyway, Ultraa tries to eat Ultra's brains. Instead he just eats the Crystal of Imagination! NO! That was my creativity, you...you...Oh! You you!

Ultraa prepares the Transmatter Cube and then Ultra defeats him with the power of his imagination. He's like Eddie in It with his asthma spray that becomes acid because he thinks it into being. But it's too late because one of The Gentry has started to come through the Transmatter Cube.

Well, at least it ate the dick in the suit.

Ultra battles Intellectron by trapping it inside his comic book which he claims is subject to criticism which will help defeat Intellectron. I have to say that the in-comic criticism is pretty shitty stuff. Come on, Grant Morrison! Critics aren't just mindless assholes who can only type things like, "The big bad is an egg? DER!" and "A 5-Dimensional evil egg! LOL!! DER!" and "This guy's raped my wallet way too many times! DER!" Well, that last one might be fairly accurate. Except you're being way too hard on yourself! If you meant for this to be a completely shitty comic book so that you could laugh at the people criticizing it because they helped to defeat the bad guy by criticizing it, then you fucked up because it's not that shitty! It's got Ace Ultra and Ultraa in it! That's...okay, so that's not actually great. But it is interesting? Plus super cannibals!

Wait! I shouldn't be defending this comic book because that makes me the villain! Dammit! I want to be the hero!

And then Grant Morrison calls comic books the Oblivion Machine and that they're wasting my precious life! What a jerk! How dare he...oh wait! I bet he was just talking about Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti comic books. Yeah, I agree! Total waste of my time. I couldn't describe their comic books better than "Oblivion Machine!" And I think, ultimately, the way to defeat The Gentry is to stop reading bullshit comic books and only pick up comic books written by Grant Morrison! And I'm now infected with a HIT so I'm off to get a shot of penicillin now.

Seriously though, does this mean that the Ultra Comics comic book is cursed because it lures The Gentry to any world where the comic is read but then the comic is actually a trap to catch The Gentry that is lured to the world? And then The Gentry become a comic book character for an Earth-Prime comic book where all of the readers are fucking asshole trolls who then punish The Gentry with their ridiculous criticism?

The Multiversity: Mastermen #1

He's using Capitalism! He's running a capitalist democracy which gives corporations the ability to control the government, setting the rules to ensure certain corporations succeed while keeping all competition at bay! This is mostly done by screaming about the dangers of governmental regulation which might cost the company money while lobbying the government to enact regulation that cripples competitors. Freedom!

I think that caption is my ranting prelude for this commentary! Let's see what Uncle Sam and the Freedom Fighters are up to on Earth 10!

Actually, before I open this comic book, let me point out that I'm completely unfamiliar with Uncle Sam and the Freedom Fighters. I didn't read the mini-series that was released since The New 52 began because DC wasn't sticking "The New 52" label on all of their comics because not all of their comics were New 52 books. Although The Huntress miniseries wound up being prologue to Worlds' Finest, I think. I never read that one either. I think the only Freedom Fighter story I ever read was DC Comics Presents #62 where the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence were stolen. I also read the Black Condor series that began in 1992 and he flew around the Pine Barrens of New Jersey trying not to be a hero. And that's my entire knowledge of these characters!

How can you not like the way this issue begins?

The only problem with this first page is the lack of Narration Boxes. Who is this man? What's his name? What is his job or his motivations? Where is he from? Does he have any ambitions or flaws? As it is, he's just a cypher! But he's reading a Superman comic book so he can't be all bad, right?

While straining on the toilet bowl (because it's funny to put Hitler in a position of discomfort and embarrassment! Ha ha, Hitler! Ha ha! You are having a tough bowel movement! You deserve it, you jerk!), Hitler is informed by one of his men that they've uncovered a weapon from the stars.

Ooh! He already has one weapon from the stars! The Cosmic Grail from Earth #15!

Hitler's soldiers have recovered a rocket from another planet! I hope it's filled with candy! As an American, have you ever experienced walking up and down the candy aisle of another country? Even just going north to Canada, it's like a treasure trove of the most magical treats! But not south to Mexico unless you love your sweets to not be sweet at all and just be made of salt, sometimes with a hint of tamarind. Imagine finding a stash of candy from another planet! I'm so excited right now, I'm going to stick my dick in some Lik-m-aid.

Instead of finding candy inside the ship, they find only disappointment.

I know! A baby? I'd shoot it too!

Hitler raises this space baby to become Overman! Seventeen years later, Germany is marching on the capital of the United States of America. And even though Overman is the epitome of perfection (according to Hitler!), Jim Lee still draws scribbly lines all over his face. He really should be treating Overman's skin with the same care that David Finch treats the skin of every woman he draws.

Sixty years after Germany takes America, Overman begins having a recurring nightmare about Lord Broken of The Gentry and the cover of Crisis on Infinite Earths #7.

Judging by the looks of every member of The Gentry, I have a feeling the Doom Patrol needs to step in and defeat them.

Earth X's version of Jimmy Olsen narrates the story about the fall of Overman and the New Reichsmen. On the day of Overgirl's memorial, The Freedom Fighters begin their revolution. The Human Bomb drops on the ceremony and Uncle Sam says lots of stuff that Americans would pump their fists into the air over and howl like Goddamned monkeys when heard. Surprisingly, Overman reacts...with understanding?

Leatherwing reacts like a typical billionaire whose family made the entirety of their money through systematic oppression and manipulation.

The Gentry probably like Earth 10 the way it is. So Lord Broken must be spying on Overman in his dreams to try to make sure he keeps the status quo of this world and doesn't muck it up with egalitarian ideals. Maybe it's a good idea to think about The Gentry for a short paragraph or two since they've been mostly in the background of the comic books stories presented since The Multiversity #1.

The title of the series is "The Multiversity" which is a combination of two words: multiverse and diversity. What The Gentry seem to be doing is destroying worlds to make way for worlds which they approve of, worlds which tend to be carbon copies of the usual comic book status quo. They're gentrifying the multiverse. This is probably why the first issue dealt with a majority of black super heroes from different worlds. But this isn't just about race; it's about diversity of worlds. The Gentry are much like the editors at DC Comics when they imagined Crisis on Infinite Earths. They wanted a universe scrubbed clean and polished up to look safe and secure and attractive to new customers. But by doing so, they scrubbed out personality and culture and dozens of different takes on super heroes which attracted a much wider range of readers.

Could it be The Multiversity is preparing the way for an expanded and more diverse (in many, many ways) DC Comics coming in June? It's possible. I think the bottom panel in the page I scanned above is telling. DC Comics needs to confront their wrongs even in the face of those that believe they have nothing to be ashamed of and that nothing should change. Granted, this is just Grant Morrison's take on things. And maybe I've got it completely wrong. But the first step to really understanding a piece of literature is to figure out why the author chose the names he chose. Making the title a portmanteau of multiverse and diversity, and then making the big enemies The Gentry, seems a pretty big clue as to what's going on.

Okay, back to the Nazis!

Underwaterman! Ah ha ha ha ha!

The New Reichsman now have to answer to the sins of their fathers (well, most of them. Lots of the sins were Overman's and he'll have to answer to his own). The Germans took over the United States and put millions of people in death camps. They took away the people's language and culture. Even if, sixty years later, the world seems to be at peace under German rule, it must now acknowledge the suffering that brought the world to this place.

Right about when The Human Bomb, one of the good guys and a Freedom Fighter, is called a "suicide bomber" so that the analogy really sets in is about the time my high school friend Soy Rakelson would have stopped reading the comic book. "How dare they criticize America!" he'd scoff. Then he'd basically repeat what Leatherwing said about how he's not responsible for slavery or the destruction of the indigenous American tribes and how those things have nothing to do with his better than average starting position at birth. Soy Rakelson was also the one who raved and raved about Enigma until he realized the main character was gay and then he stopped reading for, um, "other reasons."

Overman is the most sympathetic Nazi since...um...hmm. There must have been at least one, right? Schindler?

Meanwhile on Ellis Island, Uncle Sam meets a couple new members of his Freedom Fighters, Doll Man and Doll Girl. They're Jehovah's Witnesses, though, so they won't fight or have birthday parties. But they will still help people in need. I guess that's something since Ellis Island is a sanctuary from those escaping Germanica. He also meets Phantom Lady, Black Condor (whose probably just called "Condor" now since he's black and that isn't cool, man), and The Ray. These super heroes are all thanks to a mysterious Doctor Sivana! What's he up to?!

On an interview program, Jürgen Olsen asks Overman if he thinks the yearly performance of the Ring Cycle will be Uncle Sam's next target. Overman seems confident that nothing will happen and then invites Jürgen to the performance. According to Jürgen's narration box of "Revenge is sweet" that may have been a mistake.

One of the New Reichsmen is a traitor and has been feeding Uncle Sam information. It's possible it has been Overman trying to pay for what his people had done in the past. That might be why Jürgen Olsen keeps Narration Boxing about destroying Overman. Not because of what he did to help Hitler but because of what he later did to help Uncle Sam.

And what Uncle Sam did with Overman's information was terrible and mad in its own right.

It's tough being an Overman on a violent planet of powerless people.

What can I say? The world is a complicated place! And this issue of Multiversity gets too far into stuff that I'd rather just ignore! Write your own conclusions about it! I don't owe anybody anything! I'm going to go read a properly funny funny book now.

The Multiversity Guidebook #1

Yay! I'll finally learn the number for Earth-Main-Earth!

This is going to be the best comic book ever! I bet it reminds me of the days when I was a kid and I'd pick up an almanac and flip to a random page to learn a little something new! For you younger kids, the almanac was basically an analog version of the internet with less porn.

Remember how in Thunderworld, all the Doctor Sivanas across all the universes realized that they all existed and decided to work together? Well, all of them except that one goody two-shoes one that fucked up by bringing the psychotic ones together anyway. Well, the best Doctor Sivana of them all, the one that killed all of the super heroes in his universe and was left nursing a raging hard-on to kill more, seems to have found a map and the guidebook to the other universes where he can satisfy his abhorrent lusts!

Doctor Hannibal Lecter Sivana is sick! Who finds joy in killing chibi heroes?!

This happens to be Earth-42 which I think I already would have known if I'd remembered the numbers to all the Earths that made cameos in Grant Morrison's run of Action Comics. Chibi Batman is saved by Mecha-Armor Batman who steps through a warp from his world. Chibi Batman reveals that he's actually Dick Grayson in order to calm down Mecha-Armor Batman who's totally freaked out by this cute little guy. It turns out Mecha-Armor Batman's version of Dick Grayson is dead and this meeting is going to cause his suit to fill up with Bat-tears.

Chibi Sivana and Hannibal Sivana enter one of those transmatter cubes that we first saw back in, again, Grant Morrison's run of Action Comics. They travel to their own version of the Orrery of Worlds, The Scientific Rock of Eternity. Other Doctor Sivanas have gathered in this ship within the Bleed to plan their takeover of the Multiverse. There is African-Multiversity Sivana and Count Sivana and Mistress Sivana and Hissivana and Robo-Sivana and monitors full of all the other Sivanas who couldn't bother to actually make the trip. Chibi Sivana doesn't last long and is eaten by Hissivana just before the Marvel Family flies in to attack, having found the Scientific Rock of Eternity due to Earth-5's Doctor Sivana and his great big failure of a plan, Sivanaday.

Georgia Sivana was more prettier! At least in the butt and bosom area! Mostly because she was showing so much of each of them!

Chibi Batman picks up Doctor Sivana's abandoned guidebook and realizes it's some kind of map of alternate worlds. He begins reading a story in it about Kamandi on Earth-51. Thanks, Chibi Batman! Now I have to read that story too! I suppose I can skip around if I wanted but that's like breaking the rules. And nobody wants to be a dirty rules breaker!

While Chibi Batman reads about Kamandi and his friends discovering an empty tomb of Darkseid, The New Gods watch Kamandi as well and discuss their take on what's going on. Highfather says that Darkseid is "rebuilding his godhead from shattered fragments" across the multiversity. So is Darkseid really involved or is this a case of Highfather just blaming what he knows?

Anyway, one of Kamandi's friends turns out to be an OMAC connected to Earth-51's Brother Eye. He tears through the rubble and they enter Darkseid's empty tomb to discover an ancient story etched on the walls.

Fucking Flash! Every fucking time!

The story continues following The Flash because as I've mentioned time and time again, all multiverse crises begin with that motherfucker. He's a blight to existence! So the multiverse began way back with A Tale of Two Flashes. This also began the idea which has been the basis for this series that every parallel reality becomes fictional material for every other reality. So Barry Allen took his name from the alter ego of comic book character Jay Garrick. And then he met him and realized everybody was a comic book character, somewhere in the multiverse.

But then the Crisis on Infinite Earths fixed everything in such a way that nothing was really fixed. Infinity Inc. couldn't figure out who their parents were. Donna Troy was all, "What the fuck?" Supergirl was all, "Come on! Why me?!" And the Charlton characters were all, "Whee! We exist! Love us!" Then Superboy punched stuff and Skeets birthed Mr. Mind and The Flash went back in time to save his mother and everything kept getting fucked and fucked and fucked again until the DC Universe lay sore and chafed, cum dribbling out of every orifice.

Well for me, it's the left hand.

Back on Earth-42, Chibi Batman turns to the page which is a map of the Multiverse. You've probably all seen it by now. It's over there on the internet if you haven't and you're curious. I'm just going to move on. But first one thought: I hope Grant Morrison does an issue about Limbo!

Chibi Batman and Mecha-Armor Batman get the Transmatter Cube back up and running. Now they just need to figure out how to travel to specific worlds by whistling the right note. So Chibi Batman does research by reading up on all of the cataloged Earths in the Multiversity Guidebook.

Earth-0: New Earth. Earth-Main-Earth. This is the Earth where super heroes don't wear underwear on the outside of their costumes and where most of The New 52 comic books take place.

Earth-1: The Prestige Format Earth. This is the Earth I've been ignoring, mostly because my comic book store didn't reserve a copy of Batman Earth-1 for me when it came out. And nothing describes me better than "giving up immediately when things don't work out." I should probably pick up all the Earth-1 books at some point.

Earth-2: Kiss my ass Earth. Soon to be wiped out Earth. This is the Earth that brought us the most boring weekly series ever imagined, World's End. I can't wait until it blows the fuck up!

Earth-3: The Earth of the Crime Syndicate where everything is backwards. But not backwards in the way that Bizarro World is backwards! In this world, bad is good and good is bad. Although bad is still bad somehow. And East is West and West is East but North isn't South and South isn't North, for some reason.

Earth-4: The Charlton Universe. Home of Watchmen-lite, the characters that inspired the Watchmen and, in time, were inspired by the Watchmen. It's kind of confusing. Blue Beetle lives here so it's probably a kind of dumb universe.

Earth-5: The home of Georgia Sivana, super sexy Science Marvel. Some other little known heroes exist here as well or something. It's a place called Thunderworld and is home to the most boring version of Doctor Sivana.

Earth-6: Some Earth where Batman is a bat and Aquaman is a Despero-looking monster. Maybe. That might actually be Despero! Green Lantern gets his powers from Yggdrasil so he probably lives in a house with a five and a half minute hallway. Main villain: Reverend Darrk! With two "r"s!

Earth-7: A parody of Earth-8 which is a parody of the Marvel Universe. This world was destroyed by the Gentry and only Thunderer, an aboriginal version of Thor, survived.

Earth-8! 'nuff said!

Earth-9: This is the best Earth so far because The Joker is "an anarchist prankster on the side of freedom." Wait, how is that different from Earth-0?

Earth-10: The universe where Uncle Sam and his Freedom Fighters fight against the villainy of the Third Reich. DC seemed to want to add these guys to The New 52, I guess, as they released The Ray miniseries (which I own but never read) and the Freedom Fighter miniseries which I never bought and never read! So thanks for exposing more areas where I'm completely ignorant, jerko guidebook.

Earth-11: This is gender bent Earth where all the heroes who once had "woman" or "girl" in their name now have "man" or "boy" in their name, and all the heroes who had "man" or "boy" in their name now have "woman" or "girl" in their name! This Earth is much better than Earth-0 because it has a lot more opportunities for Boob-Butt Showcases!

Earth-12: The clock on Earth-12 is sped up a bit so while most other Earths run about parallel with Earth-33's timeline, this Earth takes place in the future. Or something. Anyway, it's the home of Terry McBatman and his future friends.

Earth-13. Okay, this is the best Earth so far! And probably won't be beat because Superdemon!

Earth-14: Unknown. Set aside for strange Monitor sexual experiments, probably.

Earth-15: This universe was destroyed by Superboy Prime, the Superboy of our Earth (and by "our," I mean you and me, readers!). If you think a Superboy of our Earth only exists because Grant Morrison does lots of silly stuff, you'd be wrong. He just remembers lots of silly stuff like how in DC Comics Presents #87, there was a Superboy of our Earth! Let me dig it up for you!

See?! It's kind of hard to tell but one of those Earth's is Earth Prime!

Here are some scenes from Superman's adventure on Earth-33!

Really? Bobby Kennedy? Such a white person's choice!


No! Not Pete Moss! Outrageous!

See? Even more evidence of real super heroes being comic book characters in other realities.

Um, anyway, all that is left of Earth-15 is a broken old Green Lantern Battery, known as the Cosmic Grail, lost somewhere in the Multiverse.

Earth-16: This is the home of the legacy heroes, The Just. It's often referred to as Earth-Me because crime doesn't exist and young people are such self-absorbed narcissists, amirite? I mean, is Grant Morrison right? I don't think he is! Young people are just old people who have yet to realize that they've wasted their best years.

Earth-17: This is where Mecha-Armor Batman is from. He's one of the Atomic Knights who are searching for the Cosmic Grail which they plan to use against Darkseid. Why Darkseid would be interested in a planet ravaged by nuclear war, I have no idea.

Earth-18: Wild West Earth! This Earth's technology was frozen in time so now heroes like Bat-lash and Madame .44 and Cinnamon have to view their porn through typed out ASCII pictures sent via telegraph.

Earth-19: Steampunk World. For some reason, everybody looks like they covered themselves in glue and fell in a crate full of gears from old pocket watches and random pieces of tubing.

Earth-20: The home of the Society of Super-Heroes. We saw it earlier in one of the Multiversity funny books. The Green Lantern of this world, Abin Sur, wound up in the Orrery of Worlds to help fight against the Gentry.

Earth-21: Darwyn Cooke World. This is the happy go-lucky world that was seen on all of the variant covers in December. Possibly the happiest world in the Multiversity.

Earth-22: Kingdom Come World. You've probably read about this world. It was painted beautifully by Alex Ross.

Earth-23: This is the Earth where all the super-heroes except Batman are black. Superman is also president of the United States of America. Bruce Wayne probably spends his days gentrifying white neighborhoods. I bet he's a Gentry sympathizer!

Earth-24: Unknown World. Probably the Monitor's septic tank.

Earth-25: Unknown World. Probably where the Monitor's stash their porn.

Earth-26: The Zoo Crew World. The only Zoo Crew book I ever owned (and still own because who stops owning comic books they once bought? Pshaw!) was the Great Oz/Wonderland War! After reading that, I never wanted to hear another pun ever again.

Earth-27: Unknown World. Probably where comic book creators that have appeared in their own comic books live.

Earth-28: Unknown World. Probably a world where nothing is known.

Earth-29. Another one of the best Earths.

Earth-30: The world of Communist Superman where TV watches...no. Stop.

Earth-31: Waterworld. Everybody is a pirate! Ahoy!

Earth-32: This is the Amalgam universe without the Marvel heroes. So the DC heroes just had to mashup with other DC heroes. Sorry, no Lobo the Duck on this Earth.

Earth-33: This is Earth Prime where the histories of all the other Earths are printed as comic books. Unless it's the other way around and all comic books printed on Earth-33 become real, tangible worlds in the Orrery. This world has one superhero: Ultra Comics! Hey! He's the guy that's on the cover of that comic book that's been corrupting the youth!

Earth-34: The heroes of this earth formed a team called The Light Brigade. Their leader is Savior from the ancient civilization of Mu. Their version of Superman (Goodfellow, I'm guessing) looks like he stepped off the sound stage of Hee Haw.

Earth-35: This Earth is described as a "pseudoverse" that was constructed by the Monitors. It's team is called the Super-Americans. Isn't that what every normal American calls themselves anyway?

Earth-36: This is where Justice 9 lives. Red Racer has traveled from this Earth to the Hall of Heroes to help battle the Gentry. This Earth was last seen in Grant Morrison's Action Comics run.

Earth-37. Um. There is, um, this Earth.

Earth-38: The Golden Age Heroes. The world is not trapped in the Golden Age though! It's just that this is where the original Superman and Batman appeared to eventually be replaced by their offspring and proteges.

Earth-39: The home planet of the Agents of W.O.N.D.E.R. I don't know what that stands for. Wholly Original Negative Destroying Earnest Rescuers? Some guy named Happy DaVinci designed all of their technology, so is it really any wonder that the technology is addictive?

Earth-40: The home of Vandal Savage, Worlds Conqueror! Also some other villains. But how many more do you need when you've already got Vandal Savage? Stop being so greedy!

Earth-41: Dino-Cop came from this world. He's also in the Hall of Heroes ready to go to battle against The Gentry.

Earth-42: The Chibi Heroes live here so Chibi Batman is currently reading about himself. And what he finds out is that his world "hides a great and terrible secret." Oh no! This world was also seen in Morrison's run of Action Comics.

Earth-43: Vampires. Lots and lots of super vampires. They're not the sexy ones that all the young kids are fucking in love with nowadays. So gross. These are the Salem's Lot monsters that will bite your face off instead of sending you a wishy-washy love note full of ambivalence and insecurity.

Earth-44: The heroes of this world are a combination of The Metal Men and the Justice League, built by the genius Will Tornado! Lead Green Arrow is fat.

Earth-45: This is where SuperDoomsday was created and sent through one of Lex Luthor's Transmatter Cubes to wreak havoc on various other Earths. The story took place in Morrison's Action Comics and was the first story of The New 52 to really explore the other universes in the Multiverse.

Earth-46: Unknown World. Probably a world where they keep all of the extra question marks.

Earth-47: The world of Prez, teen president! This is also the world where Brother Power, the Geek, resides. Although Brother Power did make a cameo in The Green Team as an object purchased by whichever one of the rich kids was into buying super hero paraphernalia on auction sites.

Earth-48: The Earth of the Forerunners, creatures bred to be protectors of the Multiverse. This is the home world of Lady Quark who had a high profile role in Crisis on Infinite Earths, even if I never could figure out what she was supposed to be doing.

Earth-49: Unknown World. Probably the world where the Monitors went to live after faking their own deaths.

Earth-50: The Justice Lords rule here, a fascist version of Earth-0's Justice League.

Earth-51. The last Earth featuring the last boy on Earth!

Whew! That's all the Earths! And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Nix Uotan shows up on Earth-51 to release Darkseid from his tomb to cause chaos while The Gentry continues to gentrify planet after planet in the name of the empty, grasping, greedy hand.

Chibi Batman escapes to Earth-17 and is confronted by Adam Strange and his Atomic Knights. Mecha-Armor Batman remains behind on Earth-42 to give Chibi Batman time to escape. And maybe, just maybe, he'll discover Earth-42's terrible secret. Or maybe he'll wind up in the House of Heroes as it comes under attack by one of The Gentry!

The secret winds up being that the Chibi Heroes are machines and they're servants of The Empty Hand! Oh noes! And that's, um, the end! Next time on Multiversity: The Freedom Fighters!