Red Hood and the Outlaws #39

How does Starfire's top even work? How does it stay in place? Super glue?

I don't really get Writer's Block so much as Turning Whatever Word or Phrase Pops Into My Head Into A Version of The Spider-Man Cartoon Theme Song Block. So I'll begin a commentary and just start typing something "Writer's Block! Writer's Block! Does whatever a Writer's Block does! Turns your stories into shite then makes you write about what to write! Look out! Here comes the Writer's Block!" Since I wanted to be Spider-Man back when I was a little tyke, I'm willing to guess about fifteen percent of my life has been me turning things into the Spider-man song. Possibly the only time I've ever felt a connection to Homer Simpson was when he sang the Spider-Pig song. Aside from his desire to fuck doughnuts, of course.

If you've been reading my commentaries for some length of time (masochists!), you'll have encountered a few of my versions of the theme song. Mostly I'm able to keep them bottled up. Nobody wants to read a new version of the Spider-Man cartoon theme song two or three times a day.

It's also difficult to say you have Writer's Block when you're just typing up snarky comments about the comic book you're currently reading. I definitely run the gamut concerning my desire to be writing about a comic book. So sometimes you'll get a half-assed synopsis of Batman and Superman's trip to Kandor because I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering on the Xbox while other times you'll get a lovingly worded and fondly written Batgirl diary entry crafted across two to three hours. Sometimes the reviews are a labor and sometimes they're a labor of love. Sometimes I just need to get another comic book off the stack, and other times I'm thoroughly invested in the story and excited by the characters.

Mostly though, I'm just avoiding thinking about death.

Believe it or not, that last sentence was a joke! I like to keep the mood of my commentaries light and whimsical with just a hint of rotting in the grave!

Oh shit! I distracted myself so well with the previous Spider-Man bit that I forgot I was about to read a Scott Lobdell comic book until I picked it up and opened it to this:

Not quite Lobdelled in my traditional definition of "Lobdelling a comic book," but close enough for my tastes.

I wonder if Jason Todd knows that Batman once had to wage the same battle against Venom? Way back before Bane was even a sperm clot in Chuck Dixon and Doug Moench's throats. Apparently that story was by Denny O'Neil (the creator of Venom (the drug, not the alien symbiote!)). I guess Replacement Batman's use of Venom over in World's End is a callback to that story. Although it hadn't occurred to me before this because Replacement Batman had been using Miraclo in Earth-2 and only switched over to Venom while in World's End. I guess because Val-el or Power Girl or The Huntress or somebody destroyed his supply of Miraclo because it was an addictive drug. But then nobody seemed to give a shit when he upped his prescription to Venom.

Now Jason Todd had to struggle with using Venom because why wouldn't he use a drug to enhance his normal capabilities? I mean, he's a teenager, right? And Scott Lobdell knows all about the lives of teenagers! That's why Red Hood, Arsenal, and Starfire's lives are filled with relationship drama and battles against illicit substances and bitter resentment towards adults.

Also, teenagers love to parody misquotes from movies nearly seventy years old.

Granted, that near quote of the line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre has just become one of those quotes that has a full and vibrant life outside of its original source. So I'm sure if you ask Roy where the quote is from, he'll say he heard it from some modern movie or television show.

Fun Fact: I never knew where the abridged version of the quote was from until just now when I asked Lord Google about the quote so I could find a list of modern movies and television shows where it's appeared. Princess Wikipedia states that the more popular, shortened version of the line comes from The Monkees. So when I was a kid watching that show in syndication (I can still hear Mickey Dolenz saying it!), I may have learned the line from there and, like Roy here, gone around quoting it without realizing it was from a thirty plus year old movie. So I guess teenagers do love to parody quotes from ancient sources! They just probably think that the quote comes from whatever source they heard it from first and then argue with anybody who tells them differently. I know I would have!

Princess Wikipedia also has this to say about the line: "In a 1983 episode of TV series Wizards and Warriors, the character Marko (played by Walter Olkewicz) delivers a spoof of the line as 'Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers'." I loved that show as a swords and sorcery, Dungeons and Dragons, mythology obsessed twelve year old! I know, I was totally not like any other twelve year old, right?! Princess Wikipedia says she needs a citation for that quote. I should get her the citation since I have that series burned to DVD! I'll find the scene where Jacques Renault says it! But later. I'm busy reading another fantastic Scott Lobdell comic book right now.

What does that mean?! Is that a compliment? "I don't need an illicit substance that will eventually consume my every waking thought and send my life spiraling out of control. I've got you!"

Meanwhile in the jungle, Blackfire and Starfire have a normal sisterly interaction.

Blackfire: "I'm so glad I traveled across the universe and found you tied to a tree so I can kill you!"
Starfire: "What? No! Don't!"
Blackfire: "I am so excited to get to kill you after whatever it is you did recently to make me mad at you again even though I thought we were getting along and shit."
Starfire: "Why am I not dead yet?"
Blackfire: "God, if I wasn't able to kill you myself, I don't know what I'd do! It's like the only thing that's been keeping me going for like the last ten hours or something."
Starfire: "Um, you don't really want to kill me, do you?"
Blackfire: "I'm just savoring the moment! It's not like you're going to be rescued way out here in the middle of this jungle! I have time to enjoy the arousal brought on by a job well done nearly completed!"
Starfire: "Um, hey, weren't you busy being a Queen or something?"
Blackfire: "Oh yeah! That's a long story that I probably have time to tell and then still kill you after! Let me tell it to you!"
Starfire: "What's that sound?"
Blackfire: "Oh! Get down even lower than you already are lying on the ground in chains! It is a patrol of Citadel monsters that I am running from and why I have come to get help from you!"
Starfire: "Wait. What? Is fucking Helspont behind the way you're acting?"

I guess Blackfire has to keep up the appearance that she wants Starfire dead because she's being observed by Helspont but his ability to observe her only works occasionally which allows Blackfire to tell Starfire why she really sought her out after claiming to want to kill her? Or Scott Lobdell is doing that thing where one comic book ends one way and then he begins the next one another way because he either can't remember where he meant for the story to go or he just thought up a new plot point that works better than the vague, bullshit he'd been planning earlier?

Manufactured indignation! Faux outrage! Increased drama! Characterization!

Immediately after this, Crux's ship is hit by a missile and blows up. I guess the monkeys in this jungle have some serious feces throwing technology. Crux manages to pull Roy Harper from the explosion but not Red Hood, so I guess he's dead. Crux also gets shot while flying Roy to safety, so I guess he's dead too.

If you're one of those people who refuse to look at the cover of their comic books to avoid spoilers, you'd be surprised to find that Rose Wilson is the one behind the attack. She's trying to kill the Red Hood which completely explains why she's in this jungle waiting for him.

Jason Todd and Rose Wilson's initial conversation goes like this:

Jason Todd: "Hey, Rose. Love that mask."
Rose Wilson: "Yeah. I'd considered a heart tattoo that said 'Jason' with an axe hacking it in two."

I know I usually make up those dialogues but that was the actual dialogue this time. It was split up across two pages so scanning it was a problem. But it's such a horrible interaction that I thought it needed to be documented here in this Anti-Lobdell safe-zone. So Rose's response to her mask is to tell Jason that he broke her heart and that she figured a mask was better than a horrible face tattoo. I suppose that's what passes for snarky, hilarious banter in a Scott Lobdell comic book. Also, Rose and Jason were an item?

Whether it's Superboy and Wonder Girl, Cheshire and Arsenal, or Rose Wilson and Jason Todd, apparently Scott Lobdell is incapable of writing a fight scene between a male and a female without making them flirt awkwardly. "Oh! Oh! I want to kill you! Or fuck you!" "Eww, you make me so angry! But you're so cute!" "It's too bad I have to cut your dick off instead of putting it inside of me!"

Meanwhile, Blackfire takes off some of her clothes which seems almost impossible for her to still be wearing anything after stating she took off some clothes. I guess she needed to compete with her sister's male gaze. Half of the ink now being used on the Starfire/Blackfire scenes is orange and is being used on boobies.

Starfire and Blackfire bond and not a word is said about how Blackfire threatened to kill her. I guess that was just the kind of hyperbole a sister uses when she finds her sibling tied to a tree in a jungle whacked out on Space Crank. Blackfire tells Starfire to take it easy while she heads out to run an errand.

"Just let me put even less clothing on than I'm currently wearing first. Be back in a jiff!"

Double meanwhile, Rose Wilson joins up with Red Hood, Arsenal, and Crux for some reason. It's not like she just tried to murder them and then hunted around the wreckage hoping to find gory evidence of that murder or anything. She was just teasing! Also, her job wasn't to kill Jason Todd as we saw in a previous panel. They're just a distraction. Her real job must involve killing Tamaraneans! Or Citadelians? Or monkeys?

Turns out Rose is definitely hunting Starfire (again, only a surprise to the people that got the Harley Quinn variant cover) because Starfire has made a lot of enemies buying drugs from them recently.

Wrong. Your conversation about how long the fight would last was three seconds. I hate to side with Jason Todd but you're wrong, Roy Harper. Although I do love to side against Roy Harper!

I know for an artist it's always more visibly stimulating to have two antagonists rush each other with fists cocked. But Rose has a sword which she's deadly with so why didn't she pull it out? And Starfire shoots bolts of energy so why didn't she just remain hovering out of Rose's reach while burning her face off? I think these two women just wanted to touch. And they probably did it for the males watching!

Much quicker than usual, everybody realizes they're basically on the same side and nobody is using drugs anymore. That's because the trend at DC Comics is for happy and whimsical with less grim and gritty angst. Now instead of everybody battling their inner demons, it's time to battle the outer demons congregating in the jungle making Space Crank! I wonder if Blackfire is behind it all, the traitorous wench!

Oh yeah. And Helspont. Blackfire and Helspont are behind it all!

It's not overly done or anything to have a character say that it can't get any worse. And I bet it won't feel overdone next month when Jason Hood says to Roy, "You just had to say it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?"

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39 Rating: No change. This issue was just as poorly done as I expect it to be but at least it's coherent. Kind of. I mean, the whole Blackfire/Starfire exchange was weird. And that part where Rose blows up Red Hood's ship and tries to kill him even though she loves him was odd. And the fact that they all decide to work together didn't make much sense. And a lot of the dialogue was terrible. And the weird about-face Lobdell decided to do with his drug plots was enjoyably amateurish. Although the Helspont reveal on the last page was original and well written! No? Hmm, maybe this wasn't as coherent or as well put together as I'd thought. Oh well!

Superman #29

Let her kill you, Superman! She's trying to save the world and she doesn't have time to explain!

Last issue ended with Starfire appearing in Metropolis, calling Superman arrogant, and then telling him she's going to fight him to the death if he tries to stop whatever she's doing. Superman says, "Whoa, whoa! Why so harsh, little lady? If you'd just tell me what's going on, we can work together!" And Starfire said, "Eat starbolts, Kryptonian! I don't have time for this!" So my guess is that this issue begins with Starfire and Superman spending far more time fighting than it would have taken for Starfire to explain the problem. But since Scott Lobdell probably didn't even know what the threat was by the time he finished last issue, how could Starfire? But if she and Superman fought for a few more pages, that would give Brett Booth Ed Benes some art to work on while Scott Lobdell figured out the next big Omnithreat to Omnithing.

I hate Scott Lobdell's writing so much. I wish everybody would stop attacking him for being a racist, sexist bigot because they're detracting from his real problem: he can't fucking write. So he just smirks at everybody attacking him for saying stupid shit and believes that nobody likes him because he dares to speak his mind. No, Mr. Lobdell. Nobody likes your writing. It is awful. This situation is so close to Rob Liefeld who believes people hate him because he can't draw feet. Then he draws some feet and Tweets, "Suck it, Hipsters!" Hey Liefeld! It isn't about feet! You can't fucking draw!

Fuck me. I hate myself. Because now I want to read a comic book written by Scott Lobdell and drawn by Rob Liefeld.

Here's why I began my second paragraph saying that I hated Lobdell's writing:

First off, he completely Lobdell's this issue. For those not keeping up with my super entertaining blog because you're a TL;DR monster, "Lobdelling" a comic is where the first page is a full splash of a fairly static image surrounded by Narration Boxes that don't need to be there.

Read those Narration Boxes! READ THEM! What is the point that they're expressing and how do they work to introduce this story? Let's see, Superman has stood in the heart of a sun more than once. First off, does Lobdell know how hot the sun is? It's pretty hot. Hotter than a pizza roll fresh out of the microwave hot! I've seen Superman get punched so hard that he bleeds a little bit. I'm fairly certain the heat from the center of the sun has more kinetic energy than Doomsday's fists. Sure, sure. I'm speculating. But I think it's pretty reasonable speculation!

Moving on, we learn that he's not from around here. Okay! That's a theme we can get behind! He's not from around here. Starfire's not from around here! I see a battle of who fits in better coming up! Next we figure out where he's actually from and learn that you can call him Clark or you can call him Superman but whatever you do, he's still a strange guy from another world.

BLINK. BLINK BLINK BLINK.

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?! At this point in my reading, I still hadn't begun ranting because I thought for sure the next page would introduce Starfire and point out her strangeness to this world too! That would sort of get that two strangers on a train thing going!

That's it! Those are her Narration Boxes. Not a fucking thing to do with Superman's Narration Boxes except to sort of mention she's an alien.

Okay fine. I'm used to Scott Lobdell missing the puck on his first page or two. He always fumbles the fly, drops the pass, knocks himself out in the first round, drives it into the trap, and any other sports related errors that are different but the same as the ones I already typed somehow. Let's see how the action commences if we ignore the stupid fucking Narration Boxes.

Last issue ended like this:

First she has no time for his Kryptonian arrogance.

This issue begins like this:

Now she's here to stop his arrogance!

So Starfire appeared and began blowing things up because she didn't have time for Superman. Now she's here to both stop his arrogance and stop whatever forces have been unleashed tonight and battle Superman if he tries to stop her. I know if the fate of the world were in my hands, I wouldn't want that fucking holier-than-thou bastard Superman helping me to save it! In fact, fighting him as I tried to save the world would be quite the challenge!

So Starfire declares Superman should fuck right the hell off. And Superman, instead of saying, "Hey, what's the problem! I'll help you with it if I can and it doesn't involve hurting kittens," says, "You can't just do whatever you want to save the world, Princess. Just because you're powerful enough to save it quickly, you really should take the time to fill out the right paperwork and make sure the law is on your side." To which Starfire responds inappropriately, "You punch shit all the time!"

Maybe I just haven't given the story enough time to settle. I bet by page four, things will seem a lot more reasonable.

Superman, she doesn't have time to explain, do you think she really has time to fight?

Superman had his cape on at the end of last issue. But now he's used it to wrap up the gang member that had been given Omnipower by some Omniforce. That must have happened between issues. Starfire seems to think the guy is dead. Maybe. Even if the guy is the threat (or his briefcase with the living handle in evidence is), I don't see how time is of the essence or how Superman is at fault. So page four isn't really helping. Although by the end of page four, Superman has frozen Starfire in place with his Icy Cool Breath. Which means we'll get answers on page five because Starfire can't fight! She has to take the time to talk now!

On page five, Superman misremembers what happened last issue. Instead of using his X-ray vision to notice the "glass handle" (that I guess was on a gun and not a briefcase but since so much other shit is different, who knows if I was mistaken or not), he used his super speed to check it out. Now instead of "seeing" that the thing was almost alive, he noticed that "holding it almost felt like it was alive". Instead of speaking with Starfire, all Superman fucking does on page five is misremember the immediate past!

Wrong. When Starfire blew the police station apart, the gang member hid behind a table and Superman kept his cape on.

Lobdell does this all the fucking time. Since he has no idea what the fuck he's writing each month, he just begins the story over any fucking way he pleases. I have no idea how editorial doesn't tell him he can't just change everything that happened on the last few pages of one issue to make them completely different on the first few pages of the next issue. Sure, a full month has gone by and no sane person is going to go back and reread a Scott Lobdell penned comic book. So maybe they won't notice that he just changed everything. But what the fuck are you going to do for the Trade?!

Maybe on page six, Superman will talk with Starfire. Although my guess is she'll break out of the ice by then and Superman will have lost his chance to figure out what's going on as they trade more blows.

Nope. Instead he fights yet another Earth civilian that hates him because he's a powerful alien that arrogantly helps people. Does Lobdell think "arrogantly" is a synonym for "selflessly"?

Has anybody tried to point out to Lobdell that writing Superman is not the same as writing The X-Men? Superman is a beloved figure! Stop turning him into Homo-Superior so that everybody can be frightened that he's going to make them and their children obsolete. He's just this farm boy that wants to help, you know? And guess how much helping he's been doing in his own comic book? None! Or mostly none.

On page seven, Starfire burns the fuck out of the gang member because Superman forgot about her, I guess. It's not surprising! He really is having an awful time with his memory right now.

Starfire points out that the gang member was already dead because he was infested with a Daemonite. Oh no! Not the fucking Daemonites again! I guess that means Helspont is on his way back, right?

Once the cops begin shooting at Starfire because she's an orange freak that killed the guy that was threatening Superman's life, Starfire decides it's time to go find more Daemonites to kill. And Superman decides it's time to go find some Daemonites to save. I bet in the meantime, Sam Lane will sit around in his underwear muttering, "The tower...THE TOWER!"

No, instead it's Cat telling Morgan Edge her website is not for sale. Apparently this is important in the scheme of things somehow. A shitty little gossip site that had a photo of Superman and Wonder Woman kissing is not worth any political intrigue. It's not like they're going to get any other big stories. I really think Cat and Clark should have discussed the sale. They did nothing to get the Superman/Wonder Woman relationship scoop. Before that, they had nothing. So thirteen million dollars because somebody sent them a photo? That's when you fucking sell and then start up a new site. Cat and Clark did nothing to make their site a hit! Fucking idiots.

Superman and Starfire decide to work together. Actually, Superman lets Starfire tag along. What does he need her for? A bunch of Daemonite comic book battle bullshit takes place where Superman is all "You don't have to kill!" and Starfire is all "You're a gullible tool!" And then it's over.

Surprise! The Daemonite threat wasn't a threat! THIS TIME! This issue gave Lobdell a little more time to think up his Helspont Returns to Earth Story.

Back at Lois's apartment, Lois is speaking with somebody telepathically. Except she's speaking out loud so that her boyfriend Jon can hear because she's stupid. I mean new to the power! Then she erases Jon's memory of the Parasite attack because manipulating the memory of a person you love always works out well in the end. Plus I'm pretty sure she still knows Superman's secret identity. This whole "Lois is psychic" subplot is ridiculous! She should at least be using it to publish scandal after scandal every day at the Daily Planet!

And finally, it is revealed that Blackfire is working for Helspont to save her people. I guess she's bound to continue to make the same mistake over and over, isn't she? At this point, it's like somebody going around the neighborhood kidnapping dogs to get the reward money when the posters go up. Everybody knows that if you enslave Tamaran, Blackfire will join up with another group of aliens and do whatever they want to save her people. So you send in some guys in rubber masks to take over, then swoop in after being careful not to wink too much at the guys in the masks. You make a deal with Blackfire that you'll help her planet but first she has to become your slave. It's pathetic!

Superman #29 Rating: Stupid. Irksome. Reading it is like when you're engaging in some physical activity and your butthole begins to itch. Not just around it but way up deep inside like practically the middle of your colon. Except you can at least relieve the butthole itch by jamming the handle of a broom up there. There's no way to fix what Lobdell does to you when you read his stories.