Birds of Prey #26

Hopefully this is the issue in which Uplink becomes a Bird of Prey and changes her name to something bird-like. Then I can level back up to Master Comic Book Reader!

Last issue, we learned how Black Canary became a part of Team 7. We did not learn how Condor somehow got his head caught beneath the wheels of semi-truck. That sounds a bit risqué, doesn't it? Not the entire sentence. Just the phrase "semi-truck." We also did not learn how Condor got his penis caught in the office shredder at the annual Christmas Party. Nor did we learn how Condor suffered from a massive bout of food poisoning and died in a gas station men's room choking on the fumes made by his own asshole. We did not learn how Condor was curb stomped by the Hate Admirers, Gotham's all-singing, all-dancing gang of violent street thugs who don't actually hate anything, they just "love too well." Also, they don't curb stomp him on purpose. He just happens to be passed out in the gutter in the wrong place and the wrong time. Well, wrong if he didn't intend to get curb stomped. We did not learn how Condor broke his neck trying to spend a few quiet minutes auto-fellating himself nor did we learn how he wound up asphyxiating in the belt hanging off the backside of his closet door. We did not learn any of these things that would have allowed me to remember the true meaning of Christmas. Instead I sat broken and weeping in front of a television blaring out God's Good Word on some digital station that was so backwater it needed five decimal places. Weeping because Condor still existed and he was still shitting all over the Birds of Prey comic book.

As far as things that actually happened on paper and not in my mind, Black Canary discovered that she hadn't ever actually gotten her husband Kurt killed and that he was alive and serving Regulus, leader of Basilisk. He didn't know he was serving Regulus though. Kurt was in a medically induced coma blasting his super power on a high frequency and keeping everybody in the area from using their super powers. I wonder if comic book cryogenic chambers have an automated bed pan system or if they just put the occupants in diapers?

Like? Like what? Like every five year old shoved out of the car on their first day of kindergarten?

If Kurt Lance was resurrected using Waller's Samsara project, that means he's going to explode, right? I guess that would mean a shitload of DC Characters would start exploding, beginning with Harley Quinn and Deadshot, so I guess that whole exploding thing is a side effect that doesn't always happen but is a real enough concern to shut down that stupid project which I'll never have to hear about again. Who at DC decided it would be a great idea to give Amanda Waller the power to resurrect people so that the Suicide Squad loses the main reason that makes it one of the few comic books that have ever had any real consequences? That was possibly the worst idea put forth in The New 52. Not even having Scott Lobdell write several books with young characters was as bad as the Samsara editorial decision. I know, I know. Everybody has their own pet peeve about the worst thing DC did in The New 52. But you're all wrong. Emotionally, you might feel right and vindicated in the anger you have against something DC did to whatever character. But on a completely objective and not at all based on my own emotions wrapped up in Ostrander's Suicide Squad being perhaps my favorite non-Vertigo DC book ever, the Samsara Project was the most destructive decision to any of DC's franchises. The Suicide Squad might as well have been renamed The Slightly Inconvenienced Squad.

Meanwhile, Batgirl and Strix have found themselves facing off against Regulus's team of misfits who may or may not have a group name. Possibly they're the New 52 version of The Masters of Disaster. I should probably remember their individual names as well but Zero Year was last month which means I didn't get a quick refresher on the characters in this thing when I reread my Birds of Prey #25 Commentary a few minutes ago. But their names don't matter anyway! The only thing to keep in mind is that nobody can use their super powers. Which puts Strix and Batgirl at a serious advantage over theses Metas. And since a Talon's regenerative ability is Super Science and not a Super Power, she can still get her head cut off with no worries.

Just because look at how stupid he is, I HATE YOU, CONDOR!

Now, I've hated Condor since he was introduced. And my hatred of Condor may or may not have been irrational. He's a scrotal parasite with a really shitty costume and an inexplicable and sudden love of Dinah Lance. This is a comic book with a bunch of characters I don't really fucking care about (thanks to Swierczynski's awful beginning to his series), so maybe I should be happy that I'm just feeling something! But Starling was just a drunk that couldn't aim her gun and would spout off standard one liners. Black Canary has just been confused and lost. Strix is boring and could really use a fucking pad of paper and a Sharpie. Batgirl just drops in on occasion to keep sales up. Hell, Katana was the most interesting part of this team before she wandered off to suck horribly in her own series. And then Condor arrives and he's just worse than every character I'm already not into! So I hated him with a passion so pure that I think I figured out how to sustain a fusion reaction. So sure, I may not have had a very good reason, intellectually, to hate him. Until now.

He's an abusive asshole!

Now, in theory, I'm not against hitting a person just because she's a woman (in reality, I'm against hitting people at all! Although I'm kind of on the fence about dogs). This is a comic book and Tsiklon is a bad guy and Condor and the Birds of Prey are trying to stop the "bad guys" from whatever crazy terrorist plot they're hatching which began with kidnapping Black Canary and Condor. Heroes and Villains hit each other all the time in comic books. It's a thing. It's a staple of the genre. It happens. But that isn't what's happening here at all! Forget that Tsiklon lost her powers so now it is just a big man punching a woman. Still acceptable in comic book terms! Maybe not appetizing but acceptable. So why is this abuse rather than just comic book violence? First off, he uses her real name. Secondly, she says he would never hit a woman and he agrees. But then he hits her and says that he'll make an exception for her. He isn't hitting her because he's stopping a villain or saving the day. He's punching her because of their past relationship and their history together. He's found it acceptable to punch her in the face because of how he perceived she treated him in their relationship. This is abuse. Condor, as I've stated before, is a fucking jerko.

Hmm, I wonder if "jerko" wasn't harsh enough?

Meanwhile Black Canary pulls the plug on Kurt Lance. It doesn't kill him though, it just wakes him up to incredible pain. Also, he reverses his power! Now nobody can use their power not because they've lost it but because they've lost all control over their powers. They've just gotten a shot of Five Hour Kurt Lance Drink. Main ingredient: semen.

That's what she said!

I wonder if the people that went around constantly saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World were disgruntled by the surge in popularity of the phrase with people saying "That's what she said" due to Michael Scott from The Office being one of those people that constantly went around saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World?

With everyone's powers out of control, Batgirl and Strix are still the ones with the advantage! Everybody kind of takes themselves out of the fight when their powers go wild, leaving Batgirl and Strix to continue searching for Black Canary. But Black Canary is trying her hardest not to scream everybody into oblivion. I bet the only way to stop her is to shove some indestructible thing into her mouth to block her from screaming!

Dammit. Now I can't get the image of Strix straddling Dinah's face.

Or maybe that won't have to happen. Dammit. Apparently Dinah can still control her powers better than the others.

So what's the difference between blowing somebody up into the sky with her voice and simply making their head explode? The pitch? The tone? Screaming from the diaphragm?

"Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know! It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!"

That was going through my head while scanning the previous panel so I had to vomit it out through my fingers and into your brain.

Batgirl climbs through the hole conveniently made by Regulus to find Black Canary and knock her unconscious with a Sleeper Hold. And it's absolutely perfect!

Batgirl hooks Kurt Lance back up to the medical equipment because she's an expert having been in a hospital for so long after she broke her back in that hilarious skiing accident. I guess everybody loses their powers once Kurt is hooked back up to the machines. Luckily none of them plummet to their deaths because they were flying too high. I think. I'm pretty sure nobody is going to die. Even stupid flying characters like Condor or Condor.

Although Condor can still fly because he saves Strix from plummeting down a mountain when she tackles Regulus off of the tower. He falls down into the mist and, presumably, to not his death. But Condor flies Strix back to safety because either Batgirl hooked Kurt up to the medical equipment wrong or Condor can glide with his stupid purple costume and not just fly with his telekinesis.

Oh wait! The last page explains it!

Ha ha! In your heartbroken face, Condor!

Birds of Prey #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was better than most. I'm still not a fan of this team since I can't pinpoint any reason for the team to exist. What is Black Canary trying to accomplish? Did she just form the team because that's what you do when you have a super power? And even though Condor didn't die, I was happy to see his stupid heart get hurt! Ha ha! I think I've called too many things "stupid" during this commentary. But I can't help it! I'm being unduly influenced by my hatred for Condor!

P.S. Do postscripts apply to written pieces like this?

P.P.S. I hope next issue Uplink comes out of the shadows to seek asylum with the Birds before they head back to Gotham. I suppose they still need a ride home. Perhaps the Convenient Man is lurking behind the medical machinery to offer them a jet ride back to Gotham and Batgirl's Batcycle. I wonder if Barbara refers to her menstrual cycle as her Batcycle? I wonder if Batman refers to his semen as his Batgoo? As in, "Sorry I got Batgoo all over your Catsuit, Catwoman." Or, "Hey Alfred, can you get the Batgoo stains out of the inside of my Batsuit? I had a tussle with Poison Ivy and she pulled that move where she clamps her thighs down over my face. I mean, normally I wouldn't find that sexual in the least! But she filled me with Plant Pheromones or something."

Wonder Woman #26

I imagine a high percentage of people on Earth are making this face today.

Since The First Born brought up bowel movements, haven't we all had the occasional one of these moments? Where, for some reason, your waste has decided to hang about the colon for just a day or two longer than it normally would, drying up a bit, getting harder and sharper, adding to its mass with the new waste that's come along the turnpike to wonder what the fucking hold up is? I don't think I really had one of these moments until I went veggie and my body was still getting used to what was going on. I'm sure my body was perplexed that suddenly so much of what I was eating was useful to it. It suddenly had options! Instead of two paths the "nutrients" could go down (fat cells or waste tract), stuff was being parceled out to all points in my body! Sickly cells were lining up to get a bundle of emergency food they'd gone without for thirty years! I occasionally get the hard stool although nothing quite like that first time where I found myself lying on the floor of a friend's bathroom in a fetal position clawing at my anus and wondering if now would be a good time to start asking Jesus for favors. But you know what's been more rare than hard stools? The messy ones! Wiping has mostly become a formality. One or two sheets just to show nothing remained on board and I'm out of there.

Although now that I've basically become a Flexitarian sometime last year, I'm wondering if that will change. Maybe if I add more vodka to my diet, I can really fuck up my bathroom routine! I've probably read over one hundred less books than I normally would have due to the amount of time I don't spend on the toilet now.

Should I talk about the New Year and how weird it is that we arbitrarily pick a point during the Earth's course to mark a beginning and an ending? If it were up to me, I'd have chosen April 3rd. Also, just so I don't even have to think about New Year's Resolutions (I never make them anyway), I decided to give a great big fucking middle finger to the whole idea and promptly went out to buy a package of Oreos to eat all by myself. Unless that's a New Year's Resolution? Defiantly eat more shit! That's actually a pretty good one!

This issue begins with Wesley Willis on a Hell Ride.

But it looks like Cassandra and the Gnolls are going to be joining him on the bus in a second.

You know what I need to learn how to do? Self-promote! Why aren't I trying to make money by reading books? Don't people pay people to read books? I don't mean pay to review them! I just mean pay me by the word! Let me sit in my backyard with piles and piles of books while I rake in the cash! Also, if I can get a bonus for eating Oreos, that would be great too.

I forgot that Wesley Willis was a good friend of Orion's. No wonder Orion took off so quickly to Chernobyl when he heard Milan was in trouble. Orion isn't much help because Cassandra threatens to blow Milan's head off unless he surrenders. But Hermes and Diana and Siracca arrive just behind him. Except above Cassandra's hideout because Hermes apparently can't teleport underground.

Meanwhile back in London, Strife annoys Zola.

Oh! Here's a good New Year's Resolution! Stop writing so much! If I don't have anything to say, don't say anything! Just type enough so that I can remember what was happening from month to month. If I just ignore the fact that other people are reading this blog, I can stop worrying about trying to be entertaining! Maybe I can finish a post in under an hour and then get back to working on writing projects that will actually make me money! I'm almost done with my next project, a book of poetry written by one of my fictional characters and called "The Chicken By the Gate." The book is already written. I just have to do a bunch of drawings and the layout, then decide what kind of paper I want to print it on (low quality, recycled shit that barely looks like it's holding together is my first thought), and then start selling it! Limited signed and numbered! Possibly of such high quality that I might become the next Poet Laureate of the United States!

Okay, so the fight back in Chernobyl! All hellrides are breaking loose so Cassandra just yanks the blindfold from Milan's head so that he can see where the First Born is being kept. Are there flies in Olympus? Can Milan see through the eyes of the Lord of the Flies? Which Olympic God is the God of Flies? Probably War, right? Oh! So that means Milan will see himself seeing himself through Wonder Woman's eyes as he sees himself seeing himself through Wonder Woman's eyes and so on and so forth forever Amen.

Oh good. There are some flies by The First Born. That could have been confusing.

Milan refuses to tell Cassandra where The First Born is. I don't know why he would refuse. The First Born is in the hands of Apollo! I think Apollo, King of the Gods, should be able to keep Cassandra from recovering him. It's too bad Cassandra's voice is fucked up because then she could tell herself where she'll encounter The First Born some time in the future and then just head to that location and wait it out. Although, I suppose with her power, she wouldn't believe herself anyway.

Once Diana realizes what Cassandra wants, she pipes up and says, "Oh! Why didn't you just say so! I just came from Olympus where The First Born was busy sucking Apollo's dick and shining his shoes." Cassandra plants a bomb on Milan and takes off. While Orion and his sled-robot, A4, try to figure out which wire to cut, Milan chastises Diana for putting the lives of others over their feelings.

Well, sorry the fucking fuck! I guess you'll just have to live with feeling useless! As opposed to not feeling useless or anything else at all forever for that matter.

Well now you've made Diana feel useless for saving your life, Milan! What a jerko! And now if the bomb explodes because Orion is too much of a stupid head to disarm it, she's going to live with those being your last words to her ever! And she'll be sad! While you won't have to deal with her sadness because you're splattered all over her face. Just think how much she'll cry due to your brains getting in her eyes. And also after she rinses out her eyes too because you were so mean.

I wish Condor would guest star in this comic book. Has anybody ever created a better, more vibrant character than Condor from Birds of Prey?! *sigh* *heart flutter*

Orion takes Milan to New Genesis where they can do anything with technology. So they'll probably save Milan's life.

When Diana gets back to London, she finds that Zola and Zeke have left because Strife put it into Zola's mind that she was causing the deaths of all of her friends as they tried to protect her. Seems like a stupid move to me. If gods are being killed around her, what chance does she and her baby have of surviving for very long? And when has Wonder Woman ever picked up a note from somebody that didn't want her help (even though they needed her help) and went, "Oh, okay. I guess I should respect this other person's wishes even though they'll probably die!" I mean, she just showed Milan she can't fucking do that! I'm confused though. Is that a weakness or a strength of character?

In the London Underground (Londerground?), Zola meets up with Dionysus. She just thinks it's a person she once met at a bar although she should really know better. I don't think she's met one person that isn't a god since she left Kansas! Or wherever she used to live. Oh well. I guess she'll die next issue and a new story arc will begin! Except Zeke can't die because he's Zeus. Bah, I guess this story will just have to keep going!

Wonder Woman #26 Rating: No change. I'm pretty excited that I only have three more New 52 comics left in my stack from 2013 although, technically, two others came out last week and are still sitting in my comic book box. And I think sixteen more came out yesterday! Geez, DC! Can't you give me a break?!

Oh! I forgot to point out that this cover was a total lie! The First Born never once takes a shit!

Supergirl #26

Why the fuck did Twat Lobo have to come and ruin this comic book?!

I was so upset by the filth and bilge and other words meaning filth and bilge during my last commentary that I forgot to end with a shot of Supergirl's Bum! I can't remember the last time I forgot to do that! Fuck you, Scott Lobdell! Keep your filthy fingers out of my Supergirl!

Oh, while I'm fantasizing speaking with Scott Lobdell, I should ask him one more question! Why haven't you Tweeted since you were exposed as a horny horned-person that can't stop talking about the vagina of the woman sitting next to you to the woman sitting next to you on a public panel? Are you going to delete yet another Twitter Account?! I MISS YOU!

So, Supergirl! It's almost a new year! What are you going to do with it?! My guess is first you're going to visit a Luffa Farm and pick the biggest, sturdiest Luffa Fruit from the most glorious Luffa Tree of them all. You'll take it down (I'm assuming Luffa's come right off the tree ready to go to work!), soak it in a vat of Hydrochloric Acid (you'll probably want a hardy acid but not one that's too strong! Use one they actually let Junior High School kids work with!), and take a nice, long shower, scrubbing the taint of The Return of Krypton from your beautiful, Mahmud Asrar-drawn booty. After your done, you'll probably get out of the shower, towel off, look in the mirror, and, hopefully, be greeted by your beautiful, lithe, supple Yildiray Cinar body! If I remember correctly, he drew a pretty fucking hot Swamp Thing. So fingers crossed!

My "friend" Doom Bunny wanted to make sure that I credit him for coming up with "Twat Lobo." First off, if that's true, it's not exactly the Theory of Relativity. I suppose if I were also a parent living in a suburban wasteland who puts up Christmas-themed inflatables in my yard during the holidays, I'd be pretty fucking proud of every tiny pseudo-creative accomplishment I could grasp. I asked my lawyers what I should do and they responded with "Ergo Cognitor Sum blah blah blah fuck you." I don't speak legalese but I'm not sure I like the tone of that response. Whatever. Fine. Doom Bunny came up with the term "Twat Lobo." Congratulations! Good job! You're a fucking genius, Robot-Man! Not to be confused with Cliff Steele, Robotman. Oh man. Hey lawyers? Do I have to worry about DC suing me?

Oh shit. I forgot that Twat Lobo's catchphrase was the rallying cry of every young, racist narcissist on Twitter: "Sorry not sorry." But Tony Bedard is writing Twat Lobo as opposed to Marguerite Bennett, so maybe that won't carry over. Please don't let that carry over. Please.

The issue begins in Bangkok. Hee hee. I bet nobody in any American High School ever learns anything about the history of Bangkok because what teacher is going to continually try to say the name of that place multiple times in one class period? It would start a riot!

Silly Twat Lobo. I want a bowl of Trix.

Twat Lobo is a bit upset with his employer (whose name is either Rhialla or Sugar) because she gave him that old intelligence. That sounds like a Frank Sinatra song. "That Old Intelligence." No wait. Maybe I meant an Art Garfunkel song. Which one is the guy that paints happy trees on PBS? Oh! Bob Ross! That's what I meant. It sounds like a Bob Ross song. Twat Lobo would really, really, really (hmm, maybe not that much forget that last "really") like to kill her but she has a contract that forbids him from killing his employer and you know Twat Lobo, right kids?! He always honors a contract!

I wonder how many brainstorming sessions DC had to come up with Twat Lobo's look? If Twat Lobo is supposed to look tough, it really makes me wonder about DC's image of kids today. Is Twat Lobo the type of person they'd avoid when walking down a dark alley? Because Old Lobo was! But if I passed Twat Lobo while walking down a dark alley (you know, like I do all of the time while engaging in perfectly legal activities (well, legal in most of the non-southern states)), I'd probably think, "I wonder what venue that guy is playing tonight?" or I'd say, "You've got a little blue something on your face. Right there. No, there. Here. There. Yeah, almost. No, over more. That's it!"

Twat Lobo is having difficulty finding The Real Deal Lobo because The Real Deal Lobo has either been transported to the Maroon Timeline or been killed by Deathstroke. I think the Maroon Timeline is the least ridiculous possibility because that timeline is more real in The New 52 than any story written by Rob Liefeld.

Twat Lobo's employer is going to send him to a new source that she's worked with before: a human that isn't entirely human anymore! And that person is...(umm, probably)...

Doctor Nakamura! I mean, Doctor Hansen! No, no! It's Doctor Truth, The Everything Scientist!

It looks like Dr. Veritas's lab is so hard to get to (being in the center of the Earth) that other Earth scientists can only visit by sending their consciousnesses down into clones of Dr. Veritas. Maybe she just steals their minds, leaving a Charlie-like replacement on the surface, desperately trying to solve mazes before a rat does.

Supergirl tells Dr. Veritas what has happened to her recently. It's like a great, awful but needed purge of everything horrible that has sat in her bowels for a week needing to be expelled. She gives an account of her H'el on Earth time and her Krypton Returns adventure in one big double-page splash that will, hopefully, be the last we ever hear about that bullshit. There, there, Supergirl. It's over now. Scott Lobdell can't hurt you now.

Twat Lobo treats his source like shit so she rats him out to Dr. Veritas. Veritas mentions to Supergirl that Twat Lobo is a Czarnian, a nearly extinct race. Hey! Remember when Liefeld had the Thanagarians battling the Czarnians! Ha ha. He and his editors were stupid jerks! That's like DC History 101! Unless I'm wrong somehow and there was probably some kind of explanation that explained it all. But that's so improbable as to be nearly impossible! Me? Wrong? Pshaw!

Wait a second! Rhialla said Twat Lobo is coming for you, Shay! Why are you automatically assuming Supergirl is going to protect you? You just got done basically telling her you aren't even her friend!

When Twat Lobo meets Supergirl, he Narration Boxes, "Well, frag me runnin'...." So Twat Lobo still says "Frag!" I think Bennett was really trying to get away from all his old-school slang terms but it looks like Bedard just can't help himself. At least he hasn't been sorry not sorry yet!

Whoops. I spoke too fucking soon. Sorry. Totally sorry.

Stupid Twat Lobo and his sorry not sorry bullshit! I had the perfect caption for that panel before I had to mention that I spoke too soon! It was brilliant! Utter genius! And then I couldn't use it. But I'll tell it to you now because it's comedy gold! Here it is! Ready? "You're a Zerellian Razor-ape!"

Oh, I forgot to mention that, once again, Supergirl decides not to punch somebody in the face when she meets them! This is the second time in her life she's decided to forgo immediate violence and, once again, it's finally one of those times she should have come out punching. She's not very good with first impressions. But she changes her tune pretty quickly and breaks Twat Lobo's skinny neck with her next punch.

You would think that if Dr. Veritas cared about Kara at all, the first thing she would have told her was to be careful because a Czarnian's best, hottest, tightest, boner-inducing feature is their regenerative abilities.

Yay! Jennifer Lopez guest stars next issue! Speaking of which, am I the only person in the world that actually liked Jersey Girl?

Supergirl #26 Rating: +2 Ranking because Supergirl is the cutest thing ever and she just broke Twat Lobo's neck. I know it won't take but it was still an enjoyable moment. Also when Kara punched him super hard, a bit of blood shot out of his mouth. I wonder if Twat Lobo still has his power to make another Twat Lobo from every drop of his twat blood? That would be the besterest!

This was the only shot of her bum in the whole issue! And it might just be her shadow's bum! Sure, there were some nice side butt shots featuring one well-muscled cheek but it felt like cheating using one of those.

Batman and Two-Face #26

OMG! Batman IS Two-Face! I knew the whole Bruce Wayne thing was a sham.

So in previous issues of Batman and Robin, a really convoluted plot was taking place involving Two-Face and Erin McKillbody and Bruce Wayne and Matches Malone and Commissioner Gordon and the Batsignal and Batman and Harvey Dent. But not Robin. Which is why the comic book isn't called Batman and Robin anymore. Somebody at DC really needs to fix that already!

What the fuck am I saying? When have I ever wanted more Robin?! I must be in a really fragile place. I wonder which corner would be the best to cry in?

No, no! I won't give in to the pure bliss of despair brought on by the understanding and acceptance of the finality of death and an empty package of Oreo Cookies. We must continue the daily struggle of existence no matter how difficult it may seem! Well, I guess we don't have to. Which is why I recommend everybody should own fish. Because then no matter how much you may want it to end, you'll always have that last niggling thought in the back of your mind: "But who's going to feed the fish?" And then you realize, they're just fish. They won't live forever. You can probably tough it out until the fish die before flushing yourself down the toilet. And by the time the fish do die, you'll probably have a much cheerier outlook on life. Or, at the very least, more fish.

Actually, I would never own fish. To me, the amount of work they take to keep alive versus the amount of payoff they give back to me is the worst fun to work ratio in the world of pet ownership. Cats have the highest fun to work ratio because they practically take care of themselves. You can't think "Who will feed the cat?" to keep yourself from committing suicide because after you die, guess what? You'll still be feeding the cat! Nasty little monsters!

I just looked at my cats and scowled, "Don't you dare eat Daddy!"

I almost opened the comic book to begin reading and my first thought was, "I wonder if Bruce Wayne and Erin McKilleverbody have had sex yet?"

Hmm. According to this page, they might have just?

Erin doesn't appreciate being sprung from prison and forced to live in a gigantic mansion with great food and surly butler service. She'd rather take her chances in Gotham facing off against Harvey Dent and whatever stupid goons have decided that a life of crime as a madman's underling is better than welfare and unemployment or a job at Taco Bell.

There's a flashback that back flashes even further back than the previous bashflackers. This time Shannon McKillagain gets her first on-panel appearance. I think. Anyway, she and her sister (remember her? Erin!) are in jail serving a 25 to life sentence and they believe it's because Harvey Dent did some unethical and illegal things during the case. Not pedophilia or credit card fraud! But some lawyer thing that lawyers aren't allowed to do with other lawyers. Sodomy, maybe? Short story shorter, Erin wants revenge! I wonder if she'll get it?

Oh yeah! She does! These stories being told backwards leave me so confused!

But Shannon and Erin come up with a plan so they can escape prison!

Although only one of them gets to do it alive.

It seems they could have come up with a better plan than one of them killing themselves to cause a distraction. Perhaps the guard that is helping them to escape, the one whose son needs a life-saving surgery, needs an organ which is why one of them had to die to be a donor. Otherwise I'd try a few other plans first like smearing feces on the wall or pretending my head is stuck in the toilet.

As the story continues, I see what's going on. They're twins! Erin is going to escape in a body bag! Hmm, I still would have tried some other things first.

Erin leaves Wayne Manor but not before Bruce Wayne tells her that story about the wolves fighting in the dream and the feeding of the one over the other. Oh, you know the story! You've probably seen it going about Facebook at some point in the last few years. That's probably where Bruce heard it. Alfred posted it on his wall on his Facebook page with a note, "Good thing you were rich enough to feed both, right Master Bruce? LOL!"

Once Erin leaves Wayne Manor (with Battracking Signal, of course!), her cousin betrays her and leaves her at Harvey's wife's grave. Where Harvey is waiting for her. Why can't these two just call it even?! Shannon's dead, Gilda's dead, both of their lives are in complete shambles. Does everybody have to have the last word? You know what Gandhi said: "Everybody having to have the last word leaves the whole word speechless." Or something. Maybe it was something else about eyes. And maybe it was Marilyn Monroe or Buddha who said it.

This is exactly like the alternate ending to Of Mice and Men where George gives up Lenny to the angry mob because he didn't learn the shoot your own dog lesson!

That "VRRRRR" at the end of the page must mean that The Goddamned Batman is arriving! Even though he ordered the Batcycle to go into "silent running." I guess it can only keep silent before it can't contain itself anymore.

Batman arrives in time to keep Two-Face from being gunned down by all of Keiron's men. Batman manages to defeat them all (of course he does!) while pinning Erin to a tree and Two-Face to a statue. But Two-Face pulls out the comic book physics and blasts the marble statue in half with his machine gun allowing himself to escape and causing the statue to fall on Batman, trapping him in a grave. Now that only Erin and Two-Face are left, I suppose they'll be talking out their problems next issue.

Batman and Two-Face #26 Rating: No change. All these advertisements for the Arrow television show composed of topless men with amazing bodies keep fooling me into thinking that the Milk: It Does a Body Good ad campaign is back. I suppose it's better than the television show stealing that other, ubiquitous milk ad campagin: Got Arrow? Or maybe, Got Loser? Got Boring Ass Fuckturd With A Bow And Arrow? I have yet to watch the show although it is on my Netflix Queue (along with about 499 other shows and movies) but I just don't know if I can bring myself to watch it. I just can't accept my Ollie without the stupid facial hair! I know he's much younger in the show but it takes place in Seattle, right?! And Seattle is just like Portland except sexier and in better shape, right? And just about every young idiot here in Portland has stupid fucking facial hair! So come on, Ollie! Get to growing that shit!

Animal Man #26

On Earth 16, Darkseid is a goat.

As if Buddy Baker didn't already have enough shit raining down on his life already, now he has to deal with being teleported to a strange planet to help some aliens with a pest control problem? And, according to the cover, those pests are Darkseid Goatmen. Fuck, man. You find one Darkseid Goatman in your house, you've got thousands of Darkseid Goatmen in your house.

Hmm. Maybe one Darkseid Goatman is problem enough.

What is it with Animal Man's name that causes me to instantly start singing some song or jingle using his name? I understand the last couple of issues where I was singing Animal Man to the tunes of Spider-Man and Particle Man. But today I picked up the cover and started singing, "Animal Man! Animal Man! Break me off a piece of that Animal Man!" Really, Tess? The Kit Kat Jingle? I completely understand singing it to Spider-man because that theme song has been stuck in my head for over thirty years. On the way to get some Iced Tea a few days ago, I was walking along singing, "Man-Spider! Man-Spider! Does whatever a Ma-an does! Wears a suit! Goes to work! Walks around like a big old jerk! Look out! Here comes the Man-Spider!" But I don't normally wander about singing the Kit Kat song. I don't think. Holy shit. Maybe I do!

Soon, Animal Man finds himself fighting side by side with the aliens speaking in the crazy fonts against Darkseid Goatman. I wonder if these guys are with Justice League Canada?

Animal Man and his new alien buddies run for cover, hiding in a tiny cave which the gargantuan Darkseid Goatman cannot fit into. Buddy decides he should probably make friends with the other creatures trapped in the cave with him.

Why would you try to shake its hand? You just ripped off one of its tentacles with that hand! How does it not see this as a threatening gesture?! I would pull out my penis and swing it around to mime, "See? I've got tentacles too?!" No, on second thought, it might decide to get even and rip it off.

Animal Man uses his powers (his really kind of shitty and boring powers, actually. If I were Animal Man, I'd spend all day channeling a ferret so that everything I encountered all day long would be the most amazing fucking thing I'd ever discovered) to channel a Darkseid Goatman to defeat the Darkseid Goatman. And I guess he passed whatever fucking test he was yanked off of Earth to take because he's visited by a creature whose name translated into "Suck the Root."

I mean "Bridgewalker"!

I bet Bridgewalker's instagram is filled with pictures of his Starbuck's cups where they've spelled his unpronounceable name incorrectly. Do those pictures of Starbuck's cups with the purchaser acting indignant because their name is spelled wrong on the cup piss you off as much as they piss me off?! Who the fuck do people think they are nowadays? Is everybody some Goddamn royalty and we're all expected to know how their so fucking creative and imaginative parents spelled their name, as opposed to terminally guessing at that shit? You do know that names don't have a standard spelling and if you're pissed at the way your name is spelled on your cup, I guaran-fucking-tee you that your name isn't even close to the most used spelling variation and/or Michael! Stop acting as if people are idiots because they didn't know there were three fucking "Y"s in Bryttyny! By the way, if your name is spelled creatively, it's probably a sure sign that your name is the most creative thing your parents have ever done and they're completely fucking proud and smug about it. Get the fuck out of here with your baby names! I always wanted to name my kid Jack and spell it Xqkktvyxplf.

The name Bridgewalker sounds like the English translation of a euphemism for gay that's used by people in a foreign country. Like how in Germany one of their phrases for homosexual is "he's from the other side of the shore." Bridgewalker sounds maybe like its a literal translation of this alien race's slang for bisexual.

Bridgewalker goes into a long spiel about how Animal Man has now been chosen to be the next Bridgewalker on the Seed Planet which is the source of all the power behind the Red and the Green across the entire universe and how if the Seed Planet ever dies all life will die and how the Bridgewalker keeps it safe and blah blah fucking fuck me blah blah blah. It's all layers, man! You thought you were the shit master of everything, didn't you, Daddy-o? But nooooo! You later learned the Totems were the big boys on the block! But guess what?! Even they don't know that there's something greater! A living planet of semen, bitch! Your ass is now master of the Planet of Seed! Now keep it safe or else everybody in the universe will be shooting blanks when they orgasm and females will be releasing little shells of nothing into their uteri each month! Unless it works differently on other planets which why should it if there's a Master Seed Planet behind them all?! Right?

Maybe! But Buddy Baker responds with a "Fuck that shit!" and Bridgewalker is all, "NO?! Did you just refuse, motherfucker?!"

And then Bridgewalker is all, "Oh, yeah, I see your point. Fuck. Sorry, dude."

Buddy and Bridgewalker come to an understanding. If Buddy will just promise to give up everything at some random point in the future when The Bridgewalker dies to become the Bridgewalker's replacement, and if Buddy will drop some Cosmic Acid to become closer to The Universal Red, Buddy can return to Earth and save Maxine from Brother Blood. I guess that's a pretty good deal because Buddy was having a tough time getting back to the Red to help out and now The Bridgewalker gave him a direct access pass and dropped him right in Brother Blood's Totem Pal's Lap.

Animal Man #26 Rating: No change. Bridgewalker is a fucking idiot. He calls together a bunch of Green and Red Avatars from all over the Universe to fight in some kind of cosmic deathmatch to see who will replace him. And for some reason he calls Buddy and Buddy wins. Buddy isn't even an Avatar of the Red! He's just a chump! A tool! A nobody! It should have been Maxine that wound up on The Seed. I suppose news travels slowly in The Red and The Green since even The Seeder still thought Buddy was the Avatar when he decided to try to kill him. There might also be an age limit to live on a planet made of semen, eggs, seeds, and pollen. What if Buddy had allergies? I bet a visit to The Seed Planet would have made his head explode.

Pandora #6

I really should compile a list of all the different characters and voices I've created during the life of this blog. At the top of the list would be, of course, me. Not to expose the magic behind it all but, yes, you guessed it. The voice of this blog isn't my actual voice! Many of the opinions expressed within this blog aren't my opinions at all (yes they are. I'm just saying that to cover my ass (no, no. Seriously. I say a lot of shit I don't believe (no I don't (I do! (you fucking don't (Fuck you!))))))! I realized I really need a list when I just reread my commentary on Pandora #5 and fell in love with the character of Philo Sophocles! A character I had no memory of writing! How many other characters have I created on a whim, merely to forget about them as soon as I hit the Publish button?! And how could I leave Cowboy Joe behind?! That guy was a masterful creation! I just wish he hadn't been murdered on the street by some random asshole that thought he was the Punisher of the homeless. Poor Cowboy Joe.

Now I feel like a dick! I just killed one of my most beloved characters! I take it back! I take it back! I didn't mean it, Cowboy Joe! Everybody just thought you were dead but you're just in a coma and most likely going to pull through! Please don't die, Cowboy Joe! I didn't mean it! Really, I didn't! I'm so sorry!

Speaking of Cowboy Joe, I just reread his commentary on Green Lantern #17 (which I linked to and which you should probably read if'n you ain't never read it) and fuck me. Just. Just fuck me. Cowboy Joe, how could I ever have forgotten you? Thank you for the words you laid down nearly a year ago. They're just what I fucking needed to hear. Holy shit.

My past self just made me fucking cry. Jerko.

So when we last saw Pandora, she was battling the Mini-Sins and The Blight in New York City. Way back in one of the Trinity War issues, she learned how to kill the sins. That's when she killed Envy. But she hasn't had a chance to try the trick out a second time until now. But will she remember that she had that power? I'm betting she doesn't!

Oh yeah, and Constantine was about to be eaten by The Blight while whinging on about how much he loves Zatanna and how much he took her for granted and how poorly he treated her and all that bullshit. Those feelings don't mean anything when you're about to die, John. Feel the same way when you're calmly having a conversation over a cup of coffee with her and maybe they'll be true. Do you only feel love for her when she's not around? When she might be in danger? When she's telling you to sod off and walking away with another man? Yeah, that isn't love or caring, you selfish prat. So shut the fuck up and get back on your feet. You know, after Pandora saves your ass.

Oh, she does remember! That must be why Mini-Envy is not represented. Still dead (but on the mend, I'm sure!).

I'm getting the distinct feeling that this is going to be another issue where nothing much happens except a bunch of punches are thrown as the Mini-JLD get their asses kicked by The Blight.

Hell, for most of the comic book, they don't even get their asses kicked! They just run around saving New Yorkers from certain dragon breathing death. The Mini-JLD's only plan is "don't die." And they're barely pulling that off! It's crazy how quickly a comic book story can take me from "super duper twelve year old kid interested" to "get to the fucking point already or I'm going to fucking have a wank." About the only thing that can win me back at this point is if Etrigan were summoned forth to save the day!

This story is actually reminding me quite a bit of Swamp Thing #50 by Alan Moore from 1986! All of DC's magic types gathered together to defeat some huge rampaging evil which eventually turns out to be simply a necessary part of reality. It just became more violent and ruthless depending on how mankind judged it vile and thought negatively about its role in the universe. Perhaps Swamp Thing needs to do to The Blight what he did to the Bad Thing way back in the Preboot Universe! Swamp Thing! Try telling it this since this worked before:

"I have nothing. I came in resignation. Whatever you are, I cannot fight you. But I cannot stand and watch. I cannot. I am not the one you seek. I have tried to make sense of that darkness and I have failed. I have seen evil, its cruelty, the randomness which it ravages innocent and guilty alike. I have not understood it. I asked the Parliament of Trees whose knowledge is older, greater than mine. They seemed to insist that there was no evil. But I have seen evil and their answer was incomprehensible to me. And yet...and yet, they spoke of aphids eating leaves, bugs eating aphids, themselves finally devoured by the soil, feeding the foliage. They asked where evil dwelled within this cycle and told me to look to the soil. The black soil is rich in foul decay yet glorious life springs from it. But however dazzling the flourishes of life, in the end, all decays to the same black humus. Perhaps...perhaps evil is the humus formed by virtue's decay. And perhaps...perhaps it is from that dark, sinister loam that virtue grows strongest? I...do not know. I do not know...what they meant."

See? Change the perception! Change the battlefield! Teach The Blight it is necessary and part of the entire cycle! It is neither bad nor good and, thus, it should not feel anger or betrayal at the way people choose to fight against it. It is necessary and its opposite is necessary. And if it destroys everything, it destroys itself! Teach it, Swamp Thing! Teach it!

You could also, possibly, just play ten million games of Tic Tac Toe with it to show it that everything is futile. Then it will give up and stop acting like a fucking prick.

Also, I should state, if it wasn't entirely clear from context, that the above blockquote was written by Alan Moore in that issue of Swamp Thing I mentioned earlier.

Oh! Speaking of Swamp Thing #50 and the Preboot universe, you know who was in that issue that I hope fucking returns to The New 52 at some point? Steve Dayton! Mento! Beast Boy's father! That guy was a nutty fucking dirtbag!

Constantine has a plan to use the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen! I don't know what that means! But they all need to be marked so it might be like the seance the magic types used in Swamp Thing #50! The seance that burned up Zatarra and Sargon! But this time, there aren't any hit eaters in the group that can be wiped from the New 52! Hmm, except Nightmare Nurse, right? No, no. Don't even think that! I'd miss her way too much! I'd rather have Pandora or The Phantom Stranger die!

Okay, now see this? This is more of the type of stuff that will keep me interested while they battle the beast! Just watching them stop dragon breath and get slapped around by Mini-Sins won't do it for me.

Although, depending on how the battle progresses, sometimes mere physical violence can hold my attention.

Like this here when Constantine loses his head for the first time ever. At least metaphorically. I think he's probably been decapitated before.

Well, I was hoping somebody would die but this is unbelievable! And a death in a comic book that is unbelievable doesn't really cause any kind of dramatic tension. But it was a nice surprise panel anyway! I suppose the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen will be the reason Constantine isn't actually dead. Although he's going to have a great big magic bill to pay off for casting the kind of spell that allows him to survive severe head loss.

Blight easily kills the rest of the Mini-JLD on the following page. Oh! I think John meant to use the Mark of Dun-Won-Ken! Whoops! Oh well. I guess Forever Evil: Blight is over!

Oh no! Wait, wait. Like an NFL Referee who...no, wait...like all NFL Referees all of the time, I called the play dead too early. It looks like being killed was just the first half of the plan! Pshaw! Like I didn't actually know that already! What do you think I am? A Novice Comic Book Reader?! I'm an Immaculate!

I hope Terrance Thirteen recognizes the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen before he has these corpses littering his house cremated.

Pandora #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Okay, this issue almost lost me for a bit. Last chapter of The Blight (Constantine #9?) just felt like a great big filler issue and this issue felt like it was going the same way. But it really brought up its game and cleaned up its act and took a shot of penicillin in the second half. They finally came up with a plan and took some action! Plus Constantine's head went flying 2D6 feet away! That was a pretty awesome critical hit.

Rogues Rebellion #3

Last issue ends with Poison Ivy, so you'd think DC would have front loaded this comic with her image, probably forcing her into a Boob/Butt Showcase (but also selling a lot of copies!). Instead, they throw Man-bat on the cover and virtually assure that loads of this comic book will remain on the shelf in the Local Comic Book Store.

I know this is probably blasphemy to people who grew up in the eighties but I'm not against bringing up controversial subjects, so here it is: I think a remake of Back to the Future would be a great idea. Come on! Release it in 2015 so that the new Marty McFly goes back to 1985 when the original was set. And I suppose, if you really want to fuck up some crazy shit, don't make it a remake at all. Make it about Marty's kid and have him interact with the original Doc Brown, Christopher Lloyd, as more potentially wacky time disasters ensue. Michael J. Fox can reprise his role as Marty and his Parkinsons Syndrome can be explained as the aftereffects of all the time travel he wound up doing. It's also why he never time traveled again after the final movie. And in the same year (2015, remember?) release the next Ghostbusters, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones movies! I bet we'd see a lot of people from my generation completely lose their fucking shit!

So that's my position on a new Back to the Future movie! Go for it! You know what? Perhaps my suggestion is too run of the mill! Shit, most of what I just wrote has probably been said countless times by big fans all over the internet already! I can't help it if I don't subscribe to Potential Hollywood Movie Possibilities Weekly. Maybe they should simply hire Crispin Glover to tell the story in one long rambling shot as he paces around a stage and shows a slide show of the events via pictures he's hastily scribbled out on used napkins. I'd watch that too!

But I should probably stay away from these kinds of controversial subjects in my little comic book reading blog! I don't want to piss anybody off by expressing a version of pop culture radically different from the one they'd like to experience. I should just stick to talking about politics and religion. You know, things internet nerds care less about.

So last issue, The Rogues (minus Captain Cold, the best member of the group) found themselves in Poison Ivy's poisonous clutches! I mean venomous clutches! I think. One of those! She probably called them "boys" or something as well to get a nice emasculating dig in before she literally emasculates them. That means cutting off their members! That's why I used the word "literally!" I know the word has been watered down so much that it might have been confusing as to why I said it. You might have simply thought I meant she was going to make them admit they don't like watching football and can't stand the taste of beer from a can. But I didn't! I meant she was going to cut off their penis and testicles.

Look at her! She's so perfect here! Mister Hepburn, I will read any comic book you decide to draw. Even if it's written by Ann Nocenti.

As you may have gathered in the hems of your underwear, I appreciate comic book art that tends toward an animation style or a bit of exaggerated cartooniness. I'm not huge on photo realistic shit.

Poison Ivy points out that she knows The Crime Syndicate put a bounty on their heads but she doesn't give a fuck about that. She needs their help. Possibly in securing her part of Gotham. Maybe a little help to bring down Bane? Every ex-Arkhamite in Gotham has such wildly different plans for the city, it's hard to guess what Poison Ivy is after. Perhaps simply a garden of her own? While most of the Rogues act threatening, The Trickster decides to try a different approach: treat her like a sex object! Hey, you never know! It's best to try everything when negotiating with psychotics!

Too bad for The Trickster, Poison Ivy is not a sex object. She's the sex subject of the fucking sex sentence, bitch.

Poison Ivy now uses The Trickster as her negotiating tool (emphasis on tool!). If the Rogues don't help her, she'll just let him die from the poison. And what can they help her with? Well, she wants Weather Wizard to end the eclipse so her plants can enjoy a little bit of sunshine. Um. You do know, Miss Ivy, that "eclipses" aren't "technically" "weather"? I used a lot of quotations there because I don't know which part of that sentence was air-quote worthy. Because maybe eclipses are technically a weather phenomenon! A space weather phenomenon!

Weather Wizard points out she's crazy and maybe not very well-educated but Mirror Master believes he knows how they can move the moon! I bet his plan, like some crazed magician (I don't know why I used the adjective "crazed" there!), isn't to move the moon at all! But to use mirrors to make it seem like the moon has moved! I think Mirror Master would be a lousy name for a stage magician because you're giving the secret away right up front.

Somewhere in the next few pages I read (possibly the very next page, actually), Mirror Master (as he and Heatwave look for a Waynetech Warehouse for parts) reveals that his plan is, in fact, to create a series of mirrors to shine the sun on Ivy's Garden. I was going to scan the part where he reminds Heatwave of the plan but then the panel after that seemed like a much better choice to scan.

I don't know what this is about yet.

Oh, never mind. It was just The Ventriloguist with a couple of new dolls. I wonder if they're related to Ferdie?

Poison Ivy and Weather Wizard remain behind to watch over Trickster and chat a bit. One of the best parts about this Rogues Rebellion crossover series is that Buccellato gets a nice place to expand on the Rogues and their characters without taking time away from The Flash in his own book. Plus, Captain Cold is always overshadowing the rest of them, so it's nice to get the others away from him for awhile as well. Also, just pretend I said something silly in this paragraph to make up for the fact that I almost spoke intelligently about this comic book but then only did so in sweeping generalizations because thinking is hard.

Mirror Master and Heatwave have their own little moment as well.

Oh Heatwave! You big softy! Your actions betray you. You're actually laying your life on the line by helping out The Trickster which means you just don't want to feel the guilt and responsibility of one of your friends dying to save you! So cute!

While searching for parts to create a new Mirror Gun, Mirror Master and Heatwave make a god-awful racket. I don't want to lay the blame on either one of them particularly but if you had me at knife point with your dick out and told me I'd have to suck your dick if I didn't give up who was at fault, I'd say, "Mmmm! *gobble gobble suck suck drink* Mmmmm! Wait, what did you say? Why are you holding that knife?"

So anyway, a loud noise occurs through random happenstance and not at all from carelessness which causes the Men-Bats to come investigating because they have super awesome hearing and maths skills which allow them to hear a noise and triangulate the exact location of the noise. Unless they can only do that with their echo location? Oh, who cares! I don't believe in evolution anyway! So bats just hear good cause God gave them big ears.

I see they take after Batman in more ways than one. I bet the number one injury to children in Gotham City is from stepping on broken glass.

Halfway through the issue and Mirror Master doesn't even have his gun built yet! I don't think Poison Ivy is going to get her patch of sun this issue. I hope The Trickster can hold out for another month.

Heatwave and Mirror Master defeat the Men-bats although Heatwave gets pretty fucked up. And even when he's down and feeling like he might die, he still calls out for Mirror Master to help him. Because he knows his friend is there for him and that he would be there for Mirror Master. I think. Maybe Heatwave really is a gigantic selfish prick?! Perhaps I should take people at face value and accept the things they say instead of trying to analyze what they really mean. Because when I'm analyzing somebody, what I'm really doing is conflating who I think they should be. I have no real idea what's going on in anybody else's mind! So why give them the benefit of the doubt when they tell me they're an asshole? If you say you're an asshole, who am I to argue?!

Mirror Master and Heatwave take care of the Men-bats so quickly that they still have plenty of time to save Ivy's garden!

Mirror Master's plan works as he uses the mirrors on a satellite to bring sunlight through the Mirror World and out on to Ivy's garden. But Mirror Master is almost lost and The Trickster (who Ivy cured before the plan was put into action) flies into the Mirror World to save Mirror Master. The point being, the sunlight only lasts for a short time and Poison Ivy isn't particularly happy with the results. That's too bad! I would have liked the idea of Poison Ivy having a nice shiny patch of sun in the middle of Gotham! Although I'm sure as soon as Ultraman heard about it, he'd send Johnny Quick in to bust the mirror and put an end to all the happy, shiny nonsense.

Poison Ivy turns on the Rogues but it doesn't really matter much since the blast of sunlight has attracted the attention of a Man-bat and Mister Freeze.

Oh, and Claypuss.

I once wore my Captain Cold costume (just the top half with the hoodie. Okay, maybe the glasses too) to my old job at Academic Book Center about ten years ago. Everybody's first guess as to who I was? Yep. Mister Freeze. Fuck you, Arnold and that shitty portrayal that brought Mister Freeze to the forefront of everybody's minds when they think of cold based villains! At least I think his portrayal was shitty. You know what? I've never seen Batman and Robin! I should rectify that. Emphasis on the rectify! Because the movie sounds like rectum!

Rogues Rebellion #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. While Forever Evil's Villains Month probably had more misses than hits, the several mini-series that have come out of that event have been fun reads. Even ARGUS! Who'd have thought?! Fucking Steve Trevor isn't a guy I would ever be interested in reading about regularly. But I do like seeing him get his ass beat by Deathstroke. Also, I discovered another artist that I really enjoy! Nice job, Scott Hepburn!