Birds of Prey #28

I bet Condor's name is Swan and he's still boring.

If you missed last issue, you missed a real treat! Condor was all, "Who wants me on the team?! Everybody who wants me on the team raise their hands!" And Batgirl was all, "Yeah, I guess," and she raised her hand. And Strix was all, "...," and she raised her hand. Condor was, "Okay, okay! Great! But what about you, Black Canary! You matter most of all because I love you so much I want to tell you that my dick should be inside your vagina but that might come off as too strong and creepy so I'll just keep that to myself. Do you want me as a Bird of Prey?!" And Black Canary was all, "If a train were leaving New York at sixty miles per hour and another train were leaving Chicago at eighty miles per hour and they passed by each other in different tunnels in the middle of the night in the heart of the coldest winter of the century, how many fucks would I give if you were on the team? The answer is zero. I would give zero fucks." And Condor went "Cri! Cri! Cri!" It was so funny! I hope Black Canary breaks his heart every issue! He's such a jerk!

This issue is a fantasy issue that takes place in the fantasy realm of Gothtopia so Black Canary might actually be nice to Condor. Which will be great because then he'll get his hopes up again so that she can dash them upon the rocks of brutal heartache! Black Canary is so lucky she gets to do that! As The Bible says, "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

Wait. That's in The Bible? That's pretty fucking cruel, right? Not that I'm agreeing or disagreeing with the sentiment in that if you've been enslaved by certain people, only you know if you'll ever be so angry you want to grab their babies by the feet and smash their tiny heads against the rocks. Because fuck the babies, right? The babies are innocent and all, sure. But can you imagine how hurt the parents of those babies will be seeing their darling children's brains exploding in halos of mist and grisly horror? So I'm not incredulous that perhaps someone in that situation might commit such an atrocity. What's amazing is that people often call The Bible a rulebook for life. So now I know when it's okay to dash baby's heads against rocks. Thanks, The Holy Bible! I bet this is just one example too. It didn't say this is the only time smashing baby's heads will make you happy. How long do you have to be in captivity to justify your actions? What if you're just stuck in a really long queue at the DMV? That's kind of like being in captivity! Or what about your McDonald's manager's new baby? Working there is practically like being enslaved? Fuck man. I'm starting to rethink this whole living life according to morality and ethics derived from empathy and sympathy with my fellow human beings! If I follow The Holy Fucking Bible, I actually have at least one legitimate reason where I can break baby heads! Fuck yes!

Owls are hunters so Strix gets to be Artemis! I would have called her Bubo.

Condor's name is not Condor and it is not Swan. It is Eagle. That is terrible. He doesn't deserve to be named after a majestic bird. His name should be Dodo because then he'd be extinct! He tells Artemis and Bluebelle how something really important is missing in his life and I can't help but snicker at his broken heart that he doesn't even know is broken right now. Oh man! Just wait until he remembers that Black Canary doesn't give a shit about him!

Speaking of Black Canary, she appears even though she refused to leave Kurt Lance's side last issue. Her name is Warbler because she's a blur when she goes to war. Or maybe it's because she makes an annoying sound with her throat. It also could be because she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Ugh, Eagle. Stop touching her all of the time! She doesn't like you!

I need to stop thinking about Condor for a second because my blood pressure monitor is beeping erratically. So earlier this week, I went to see Stand By Me at the Laurelhurst Theater here in Portland. It was nice to see it in its original format since it's one of those movies that I enjoy enough that if I catch it on television, I'll watch it even though it's one of those movies that really doesn't work when edited for television. I mention this because I just spent the last two hours watching The Bad News Bears (the original) on network television because that's another movie that I can't help but watch even when presented in a format where it just doesn't fucking work. Although I'm quite surprised that a bunch of thin-skinned mothers haven't somehow gotten legislation through that would outlaw showing the film on television. It is such a remnant of the 1970s that it fills my heart with joy and, at the same time (because I'm a complex human being), loss for being too young to truly experience the greatness of the Seventies. Buttermaker drinks and drives constantly. Kids hangout of cars without seatbelts. The kids celebrate with beers at the end. Swearing and more swearing. What a classic. It's also great to see a young Rorschach helping out his teammates. When the dickhead coach of the Yankees grabs his arm and tries to throw him out of the baseball field, I wanted him to growl out, "Even in the face of Armageddon, I shall not compromise in this." And then he'd go over and join the Bad News Bears. Or break the coach's fingers. One of those.

Okay, I'm calm now. Although I may have to watch my DVD of The Bad News Bears tomorrow. A network television viewing just isn't satisfying enough.

Since this is Gothtopia and everybody is hallucinating, maybe Warbler is actually a rabid goat! Eagle is fucking a rabid goat! What a jerk!

Movie night is interrupted by the Bat-signal for some reason. Gotham is the most crime free city in America right now, so why would Batman need The Wings of Truth? Perhaps he keeps them on call to wax his Batmobile.

The problem winds up being Batman himself. If you've read Detektif Comics #27, you'll remember that Batman remembered that Gotham was a lousy, crime-ridden hellhole and he turned on everyone. The Wings of Truth help lock him away and then they head back home to decide on which stupid Action-Romance they're going to watch.

To do what?

While Batman is incarcerated, The Wings of Truth spend their time whistling cheerful tunes and hitting the roller rink every Tuesday Night for One Dollar Rental Night. But eventually Batman escapes from Arkham with Poison Ivy and The Wings of Truth have a real job to do!

Except they only do that job for a few minutes when, in the middle of the fight, Bluebelle tells Eagle, Warbler, and Artemis that they're help isn't needed and that they should go home. So they do. I get it! Bluebelle just couldn't stand listening to Eagle fawn all over Warbler anymore. I would have sent them home as well, even if Batman was busy breaking my spine. "Go! Go! OW HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I mean, get out of here! I'm okay!"

Back at the dumpster they've been living in that they think is an apartment, The Wings of Truth eat some rat feces and nod off to sleep. Warbler is awakened by a Ra's al Ghul shooting a load of serum in her face and then offering her a deal concerning the story that Birds of Prey was trying to tell before everybody fucking started to hallucinate.

Oh. I guess Warbler isn't a rabid goat. Too bad.

Black Canary tricks Condor and Strix into leaving the city so that they're no longer influenced by Crane's drugs. I don't know why she brought Condor when he was taking so many liberties with her while they were all deluded. I don't really like Kurt Lance either but I hope Ra's al Ghul heals him so that he and Condor can constantly squabble over Black Canary's affections while looking like two huge douches. Eventually Batgirl also joins the team on Mother Eve's boat so that they can all get back to the previous story about the war between Mother Eve and Ra's al Ghul. Also, Black Canary gives up leadership of The Birds of Prey so that Batgirl can lead. That's just stupid. Just break up the fucking team! Why do The Birds of Prey even need to exist?

Birds of Prey #28 Rating: No change. I don't feel like I should count this issue against the regular book since it was mostly just fantasy with a few moments squeezed in so that Christy Marx could at least partially continue the story arc she was on when Gothtopia interrupted. I guess I don't mind the interruption though since this book has yet to find its feet after Swierczynski got it drunk behind the bleachers and had his way with it. And by "had his way with it," I mean "wrote a bunch of shitty stories with characters that kept following leads that went nowhere and forgetting why they were doing anything whenever a new plot point came along which they followed because they had no motivations of there own."

Birds of Prey #26

Hopefully this is the issue in which Uplink becomes a Bird of Prey and changes her name to something bird-like. Then I can level back up to Master Comic Book Reader!

Last issue, we learned how Black Canary became a part of Team 7. We did not learn how Condor somehow got his head caught beneath the wheels of semi-truck. That sounds a bit risqué, doesn't it? Not the entire sentence. Just the phrase "semi-truck." We also did not learn how Condor got his penis caught in the office shredder at the annual Christmas Party. Nor did we learn how Condor suffered from a massive bout of food poisoning and died in a gas station men's room choking on the fumes made by his own asshole. We did not learn how Condor was curb stomped by the Hate Admirers, Gotham's all-singing, all-dancing gang of violent street thugs who don't actually hate anything, they just "love too well." Also, they don't curb stomp him on purpose. He just happens to be passed out in the gutter in the wrong place and the wrong time. Well, wrong if he didn't intend to get curb stomped. We did not learn how Condor broke his neck trying to spend a few quiet minutes auto-fellating himself nor did we learn how he wound up asphyxiating in the belt hanging off the backside of his closet door. We did not learn any of these things that would have allowed me to remember the true meaning of Christmas. Instead I sat broken and weeping in front of a television blaring out God's Good Word on some digital station that was so backwater it needed five decimal places. Weeping because Condor still existed and he was still shitting all over the Birds of Prey comic book.

As far as things that actually happened on paper and not in my mind, Black Canary discovered that she hadn't ever actually gotten her husband Kurt killed and that he was alive and serving Regulus, leader of Basilisk. He didn't know he was serving Regulus though. Kurt was in a medically induced coma blasting his super power on a high frequency and keeping everybody in the area from using their super powers. I wonder if comic book cryogenic chambers have an automated bed pan system or if they just put the occupants in diapers?

Like? Like what? Like every five year old shoved out of the car on their first day of kindergarten?

If Kurt Lance was resurrected using Waller's Samsara project, that means he's going to explode, right? I guess that would mean a shitload of DC Characters would start exploding, beginning with Harley Quinn and Deadshot, so I guess that whole exploding thing is a side effect that doesn't always happen but is a real enough concern to shut down that stupid project which I'll never have to hear about again. Who at DC decided it would be a great idea to give Amanda Waller the power to resurrect people so that the Suicide Squad loses the main reason that makes it one of the few comic books that have ever had any real consequences? That was possibly the worst idea put forth in The New 52. Not even having Scott Lobdell write several books with young characters was as bad as the Samsara editorial decision. I know, I know. Everybody has their own pet peeve about the worst thing DC did in The New 52. But you're all wrong. Emotionally, you might feel right and vindicated in the anger you have against something DC did to whatever character. But on a completely objective and not at all based on my own emotions wrapped up in Ostrander's Suicide Squad being perhaps my favorite non-Vertigo DC book ever, the Samsara Project was the most destructive decision to any of DC's franchises. The Suicide Squad might as well have been renamed The Slightly Inconvenienced Squad.

Meanwhile, Batgirl and Strix have found themselves facing off against Regulus's team of misfits who may or may not have a group name. Possibly they're the New 52 version of The Masters of Disaster. I should probably remember their individual names as well but Zero Year was last month which means I didn't get a quick refresher on the characters in this thing when I reread my Birds of Prey #25 Commentary a few minutes ago. But their names don't matter anyway! The only thing to keep in mind is that nobody can use their super powers. Which puts Strix and Batgirl at a serious advantage over theses Metas. And since a Talon's regenerative ability is Super Science and not a Super Power, she can still get her head cut off with no worries.

Just because look at how stupid he is, I HATE YOU, CONDOR!

Now, I've hated Condor since he was introduced. And my hatred of Condor may or may not have been irrational. He's a scrotal parasite with a really shitty costume and an inexplicable and sudden love of Dinah Lance. This is a comic book with a bunch of characters I don't really fucking care about (thanks to Swierczynski's awful beginning to his series), so maybe I should be happy that I'm just feeling something! But Starling was just a drunk that couldn't aim her gun and would spout off standard one liners. Black Canary has just been confused and lost. Strix is boring and could really use a fucking pad of paper and a Sharpie. Batgirl just drops in on occasion to keep sales up. Hell, Katana was the most interesting part of this team before she wandered off to suck horribly in her own series. And then Condor arrives and he's just worse than every character I'm already not into! So I hated him with a passion so pure that I think I figured out how to sustain a fusion reaction. So sure, I may not have had a very good reason, intellectually, to hate him. Until now.

He's an abusive asshole!

Now, in theory, I'm not against hitting a person just because she's a woman (in reality, I'm against hitting people at all! Although I'm kind of on the fence about dogs). This is a comic book and Tsiklon is a bad guy and Condor and the Birds of Prey are trying to stop the "bad guys" from whatever crazy terrorist plot they're hatching which began with kidnapping Black Canary and Condor. Heroes and Villains hit each other all the time in comic books. It's a thing. It's a staple of the genre. It happens. But that isn't what's happening here at all! Forget that Tsiklon lost her powers so now it is just a big man punching a woman. Still acceptable in comic book terms! Maybe not appetizing but acceptable. So why is this abuse rather than just comic book violence? First off, he uses her real name. Secondly, she says he would never hit a woman and he agrees. But then he hits her and says that he'll make an exception for her. He isn't hitting her because he's stopping a villain or saving the day. He's punching her because of their past relationship and their history together. He's found it acceptable to punch her in the face because of how he perceived she treated him in their relationship. This is abuse. Condor, as I've stated before, is a fucking jerko.

Hmm, I wonder if "jerko" wasn't harsh enough?

Meanwhile Black Canary pulls the plug on Kurt Lance. It doesn't kill him though, it just wakes him up to incredible pain. Also, he reverses his power! Now nobody can use their power not because they've lost it but because they've lost all control over their powers. They've just gotten a shot of Five Hour Kurt Lance Drink. Main ingredient: semen.

That's what she said!

I wonder if the people that went around constantly saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World were disgruntled by the surge in popularity of the phrase with people saying "That's what she said" due to Michael Scott from The Office being one of those people that constantly went around saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World?

With everyone's powers out of control, Batgirl and Strix are still the ones with the advantage! Everybody kind of takes themselves out of the fight when their powers go wild, leaving Batgirl and Strix to continue searching for Black Canary. But Black Canary is trying her hardest not to scream everybody into oblivion. I bet the only way to stop her is to shove some indestructible thing into her mouth to block her from screaming!

Dammit. Now I can't get the image of Strix straddling Dinah's face.

Or maybe that won't have to happen. Dammit. Apparently Dinah can still control her powers better than the others.

So what's the difference between blowing somebody up into the sky with her voice and simply making their head explode? The pitch? The tone? Screaming from the diaphragm?

"Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know! It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!"

That was going through my head while scanning the previous panel so I had to vomit it out through my fingers and into your brain.

Batgirl climbs through the hole conveniently made by Regulus to find Black Canary and knock her unconscious with a Sleeper Hold. And it's absolutely perfect!

Batgirl hooks Kurt Lance back up to the medical equipment because she's an expert having been in a hospital for so long after she broke her back in that hilarious skiing accident. I guess everybody loses their powers once Kurt is hooked back up to the machines. Luckily none of them plummet to their deaths because they were flying too high. I think. I'm pretty sure nobody is going to die. Even stupid flying characters like Condor or Condor.

Although Condor can still fly because he saves Strix from plummeting down a mountain when she tackles Regulus off of the tower. He falls down into the mist and, presumably, to not his death. But Condor flies Strix back to safety because either Batgirl hooked Kurt up to the medical equipment wrong or Condor can glide with his stupid purple costume and not just fly with his telekinesis.

Oh wait! The last page explains it!

Ha ha! In your heartbroken face, Condor!

Birds of Prey #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was better than most. I'm still not a fan of this team since I can't pinpoint any reason for the team to exist. What is Black Canary trying to accomplish? Did she just form the team because that's what you do when you have a super power? And even though Condor didn't die, I was happy to see his stupid heart get hurt! Ha ha! I think I've called too many things "stupid" during this commentary. But I can't help it! I'm being unduly influenced by my hatred for Condor!

P.S. Do postscripts apply to written pieces like this?

P.P.S. I hope next issue Uplink comes out of the shadows to seek asylum with the Birds before they head back to Gotham. I suppose they still need a ride home. Perhaps the Convenient Man is lurking behind the medical machinery to offer them a jet ride back to Gotham and Batgirl's Batcycle. I wonder if Barbara refers to her menstrual cycle as her Batcycle? I wonder if Batman refers to his semen as his Batgoo? As in, "Sorry I got Batgoo all over your Catsuit, Catwoman." Or, "Hey Alfred, can you get the Batgoo stains out of the inside of my Batsuit? I had a tussle with Poison Ivy and she pulled that move where she clamps her thighs down over my face. I mean, normally I wouldn't find that sexual in the least! But she filled me with Plant Pheromones or something."

Birds of Prey #25

Please let this give a reason for The Birds of Prey to exist! This team needs some serious direction!

I admit that I might have missed the reason for the Birds of Prey forming a team because this comic book was so confusing back when Duane Swierczynski was writing it. The only thing I remember from that era is how to spell "Swierczynski." But it seemed like Black Canary was just sitting around with this super power stuck in her gullet so she felt like she needed to round up some people to make it worthwhile. But seeing as how this is Zero Year, perhaps it'll fill in the gaps between Team 7 and Black Canary teaming up with Starling.

Oh! Didn't she meet Starling while working undercover at the Iceberg Casino? Or was that Batgirl?! Even if that is a true memory and not some random garbage that my mind made up, it still doesn't help me understand why Black Canary formed the Birds of Prey. Maybe it began as a support group for women who recently lost their significant others? Was Starling also dealing with a close personal loss? She must drink for some reason! Even if that reason is just to get drunk.

Zero Year begins with Dinah Drake defending her local Dojo from the Cobra Khans. Dinah beats the crap out of the Cobra Khans and that's that. They'll be sure to leave her alone now and not firebomb her Dojo at all! Now she can just relax and have a flashback to her time as a young street rat just trying to survive.

It's a trap!

The man trapping her is Desmond Lamar, the previous Sensei of the Dojo she now runs. He gave her a warm place to sleep in exchange for keeping the Dojo clean. Dinah learns martial arts and prayer and housekeeping and balancing a budget under Desmond's care. But then he gets brain cancer and dies and she's left to run the Dojo all on her own.

After all the flashbacking is done, Dinah finds herself in the middle of the blackout stuck on a subway. She organizes everyone so that they can help those wounded when the subway came to a sudden halt. Meanwhile, a familiar face looks on:

It's the super wise old blind woman! Except she's not blind yet. So she's probably not all that wise yet either. Give her a few more years and a few more cataracts.

Meanwhile, Captain Sideburns is busy taking orders from Computer Chip Head. Which means Captain Sideburns (Lynch, remember?) isn't currently leading Team 7. Perhaps this is Team 3! Or Alpha Team since that's what he calls it! Whatever the case, it looks like Dinah is going to impress somebody at an impromptu job interview! The someone is Lynch and the job interview is her kicking ass saving Ye!

Dinah Drake has returned to clean her Dojo during the blackout when looters begin trashing her neighborhood. I hate to be the one to point it out, but the looters all have dark skin tones. It might, in fact, be the most brown people I've seen ever depicted in Gotham. And the stores they're looting? Run by Koreans. And who's there to save the day? The white girl. But wait! It gets even more stereotypical still!

Ninjas! Fucking par for the course. Just like a Spike Lee Joint. Or is this more Woody Allen? No, no! I know who I'm thinking of! Quentin Tarantino!

Batwoman wanted so badly to bust some looter's heads, why didn't she decide to patrol the stereotypical poverty-stricken neighborhood that Black Canary lives in? Oh, that's right. Because most of Gotham is poverty stricken. I guess Kate Kane just wasn't familiar with the areas most likely to have people ransacking electronics stores and Koren groceries.

Dinah Drake has found John Lynch's man, Ye, who passes along to her the secret microfilm just before he dies. Hmm. I thought saving Ye was going to be her big kickass interview move seeing as how her resume only includes dumpster diving, stealing pizza, and sweeping floors.

Dinah puts up a pretty entertaining fight against the ninjas as she tries to evade them for the next few hours. I particularly like when she kicked the one down the stairs while swinging on the handrails and then just let go, flying down the stairs to land on her knees on his chest. That was a pretty good move! But eventually, there are just too many ninjas. Isn't that always the way in comic books? I mean, historically (and by historically, I mean my knowledge of pop culture and Kung Fu movies with ninjas in them), ninjas work alone. But in comic books? If there's one, there's hundreds. You'd think anybody could become a ninja!

Actually, in Kung Fu movies there are always hundreds too. So I don't know where I learned they work alone! I bet it was in comic books!

Dinah is saved from being choked to death when Lynch and his men, who have been tracking the Microfilm Ye gave to Dinah, arrive. She hands the Microfilm off to Lynch and he compliments her on her loud voice and her ability to defeat hordes of ninjas. Then he gives her a ride home.

Whoops! Firebombed! That means I Level Up to Novice Comic Book Reader!

The issue ends with Dinah Drake accepting a position with Lynch's team. It's sunrise! She's starting over! Now she gets to be an assassin for the government! Desmond would be so proud of his little girl.

Birds of Prey #25 Rating: No change. This was the best issue of Birds of Prey in a long time because Condor wasn't in it. At least I don't think he was in it. He might have been the lead ninja that got away! But I don't think so because I didn't have an irrational hatred for that guy.

Birds of Prey #24

Have I ever liked this comic book? Why is it so poorly put together?

As an experiment, I'm going to go sit down somewhere nice and cheery and read this comic book straight through without interrupting myself. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know how it will change the way I discuss the comic book in this commentary. But something has to change somewhere. DC's comic books are killing my soul.

I'm using soul metaphorically! Obviously we don't have some invisible piece of lacy froufrou stuck to the end of a silver cord stuffed somewhere inside of us on which our entire essence is encoded. What we do have is a sickly gray blob full of electricity! And that shit stops working when the lights go out.

Experiment failed! Three pages in and I can't not talk about this stupidity!

Page One, Batgirl in a dramatic Boobs-Butt Showcase ponders how she is going to follow Basilisk as they fly away in a helicopter with her friends. Her Batcave Panel Van isn't going to do the trick! Neither is her Battercycle! So how is the comic book going to continue?!

Cue the man waiting on the ledge of the building!

Whew! Good thing a guy Babs recognizes and was told was a good man was stalking her and can now solve her problem for her!

Batgirl and Strix follow the man who never gives his name (nor his benefactor's!) to the Gotham International Airport because they need to catch a flight to South America. That makes the flight international as opposed to intranational! Unless you like the term Domestic better although I don't because it confuses my house staff. Batgirl gets to take a private jet helicopter thing provided by The Benefactor anyway because how would Batgirl board an airplane without revealing her secret identity? Luckily The Mysterious Convenient Man is willing to house her Battercycle in the hangar while she's gone with a guarantee that nobody will touch it. Right. An unregistered super cycle tricked out with lots of Batgear? The janitors are going to put some silly miles on that shit.

The Convenient Man: "Are you Batgirl? I'm pretty sure you're Batgirl. You must be Batgirl!"
Batgirl: "Who the fu...oh, I recognize you from when I was a little girl and my father used to take me into work with him! I mean, you seem nice!"
The Convenient Man: "I am! I'm your friend! And I know this guy named The Mysterious Benefactor that can get you a private airplane to follow Basilisk and save your friends!"
Batgirl: "I would do anything to save my friends! Except lick your asshole. You don't want me to lick your asshole, do you? I mean, if that were absolutely the only way to save my friends...is it?"
The Convenient Man: "No! I will take you to Gotham International Airport where you will sit in silence and not ask me any questions because the ride won't be shown on any panels which means it doesn't exist in time. That way when we get to the airport, you will want to know more about this weird set-up and I'll be able to say, 'There's no time! Get on the plane now if you want to save your friends!' And you'll get on the plane thinking, "I don't like this. Maybe I should have left the Battercycle and rode with The Convenient Man so I could have asked more questions on the way to the airport!"
Batgirl: "I don't like this. Maybe I should have left the Battercycle and rode with The Convenient Man so I could have asked more questions on the way to the airport!"
The Convenient Man: "Good girl. I'll see you when you're done so you can meet your Benefactor! Who is probably Condor, by the way, but you can't know that yet! Unless it's Amanda Waller!"

Meanwhile Strix continues to say nothing and do nothing and act as uninteresting as possible. I think she's here simply to be a metaphor for this comic book.

Back in Regulus's lair, Black Canary has some questions for Regulus. One of them is the exact same question I had before I turned the page (kind of): "What the fuck is up with that shit all over Regulus's face?"

I do like that there's no build up or mystery behind Regulus's identity. Black Canary just looks over her shoulder and goes, "Oh! Hey, Dean! How've you been? Besides, you know, dead?"

Dean Higgins (the bald guy from Team 7) being Regulus causes Suicide Squad's battles with Basilisk and Regulus to make more sense. I don't know if Regulus was always supposed to be Dean Higgins or if that was decided later to fit him and his Basilisk boys into the backstory of Amanda and Dinah and Kurt. Regulus does say that "the remains of Higgins are in here, too" so I guess he's a bit of a Serpentor wannabe. Makes sense since he's Lord of Snakes!

Regulus tells his origin story because why not? It turns out he was merged with Kaizen when Black Canary's scream destroyed Gamorra. So that explains the suddenly bountiful locks of hair. He took over Basilisk and decided to make it personal. He would stop Black Canary and Amanda Waller and every other outfit or organization that employs super heroes. Except for his own. Using them himself is okay. It's the main reason countries go to war. "Sure, you're doing the same thing we're doing but we don't like that being done if we're not around to control it. So stop or we make you stop."

Regulus offers Black Canary a job working for him or else, you know, like I just said, he'll kill her.

In another part of the lair, Condor is not being killed by anybody. Come on, anybody! Get with it! Start ending that jerk's life already! Instead of dying, he's arguing with his ex, Tsiklon. Condor gets a tour of the new headquarters and trades insults with his old evil gang buddies. They don't even like him! Which means maybe I like them! Even if they do seem like a super team straight out of Image's early years.

Eventually Strix and Batgirl arrive to save Black Canary, Condor, and Uplink (the new recruit whose name will have to be changed to something a little more avian).

The joys of working with an undead killing machine. I guess it's no different than working with Katana, Poison Ivy, or Starling.

Batgirl and Strix infiltrate Regulus's hideout and soon locate Condor's annoying voice. They decide to shadow him and his evil buddies to find out how tight he still is with them. Damn. I thought maybe Strix would go into a Talon killing frenzy and end his obnoxious presence in this comic book.

Back in the lab, Black Canary decides to kick Regulus in the face and interrogate him at the same time. Lucky for her, fighting while answering questions is a staple of comic book action scenes. Regulus explains how he's going to use Kurt Lance's power to remove super powers from everyone on Earth! Because how dare they get to use them when he, Dean Higgins, had none!

What a stupid plan. You'll still have to deal with The Goddamned Batman!

Black Canary and Strix are discovered and Condor pretends to be on Basilisk's side when the comic book ends. We all know he's just going to betray them when the fight gets under way in Issue #26. The part that really confuses me is that Whipcrack mentions how he had ninety stitches thanks to the fight with Talon. Wasn't that just a few hours ago? How long is the flight from Gotham to Vague South American Mountaintop? I'd expect his stitches to pop just getting into a threatening pose before the fight actually starts. Oh well. Next month, Zero Year! You can probably skip it.

Birds of Prey #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. Condor is still alive which means I hate this comic book. Without Condor, I would merely not care about this comic book. It's been rather dull and often confusing and I don't know if they're heroes on the run or anti-heroes or murderers just hanging out with Black Canary. The team has no real direction or motivation for continuing as a team. They have no goal. They simply react to shit over and over and over. Why did Black Canary need a team in the first place? What the fuck is going on?!

Birds of Prey #23

Oh my God! Regulus is actually Gene Simmons!

Regulus is dead to me ever since Deadshot killed himself to make sure Regulus died. Who's the fucking genius at DC that decided that multiple ways of resurrecting characters was a good thing? How about not killing characters for some kind of fake tension? If you have the means to resurrect everybody then killing people means absolutely nothing. How the fuck has Damian Wayne been dead for so long when everybody has a formula for bringing back the dead? Here's what you need to do, DC: bring back Damian and then knock it the fuck off. Stop killing people willy-nilly. It serves no purpose unless you're going to let them remain dead.

Not that any of this death and resurrection bullshit is Christy Marx's fault. She's just using a character that was ruined for me over in Suicide Squad. Hopefully he'll end up buried under a mountain of stone at the end of this issue along with Condor. And then Uplink will join the Birds of Prey where Black Canary will come up with some sort of reason for The Birds to exist, and the entire comic can begin with a fresh start. Sound good?

This is where we left off last issue:

Hammerdown just looks like a parody of a 90s super hero. Maybe he's from an Eastern Bloc nation that only had access to counterfeit issues of 90s American comics when he was growing up. So he actually modeled himself after a parody of a parody of a superhero.

While everybody is being controlled by Uplink, they're dreaming very unrealistic dreams that had better never come true ever or I'm going to chop off one of my feet and post it to Christy Marx, care of DC Comics.

Hopefully Dinah's dream is the exact opposite of this bullshit!

Ugh. It isn't!

Stop seeing stuff in him! Condor is awful! He has all the charm of Scrappy Doo and Cousin Oliver combined!

Condor might be the worst character ever created. He has to be using his tele-powers to convince Dinah that he's not the lamest character from Lamestonshire. I now know what super power I would choose if I could have any super power! It would be the ability to enter into a comic book and punch a character in the face.

Batgirl dreams that her family was a happy Seventh Heaven piece of crap family that had never fallen under the influence of that jerk, Batman. I'm not sure why, in her fantasy, her father wears his trench coat to the dinner table. What a weirdo.

Strix's dream is pretty much just a remembrance of the day her family was bombed by the Japanese. The pain of the dream causes her to fight back which causes Uplink to pass out, freeing Strix and Batgirl. Condor and Black Canary were already sealed away for delivery to Regulus before this happens.

This is the same thing I say every time I wake up.

Fifteen pages in and Condor is still alive! I'm so angry!

While Strix and Batgirl battle Whipdown and Hammercrack, Condor and Black Canary are loaded up on a helicopter and taken away. Tsiklon retrieves her beat up teammates with her ass tornado power and they all flee to South America where they'll be sure to kill Condor nice and quickly.

Meanwhile in South America, I forgot that Regulus kidnapped Kurt Lance for some nefarious plan. I suppose this is part of his nefarious plan!

Reuniting Dinah and Kurt so that Condor's heart will break! Ha ha ha! Great plan!

Birds of Prey #23 Rating: No change. I bet Amanda Waller is going to be totally pissed off about this! I wonder when somebody will introduce Amanda Waller and Kurt Lance's love child, Havana Waller Lance? Hopefully soon!

Birds of Prey #22

Every month, I'm disappointed when the cover copy doesn't say, "THE DEATH OF CONDOR!"

This morning, I was posting my witticisms on Facebook and I realized, "Why the fuck am I wasting my talents on these assholes?" Yes, I often refer to my friends and family as assholes. But don't worry! They don't read this blog! I can talk about them with impunity here! My family is too shallow to realize what this blog means to me. Here are the defining characteristics, to them, that make this a waste of time: "comic books," "internet," and "free." I think my atheism and my ability to mock patriotism don't help either! I bet they think I'm the asshole! The nerve!

Oh! I forgot to caption the cover! Be right back!

That's probably too much transparency of my process, isn't it?

I know the cover says these guys are Strike Force: Basilisk but they just seem like The New 52 version of the Masters of Disaster. Except nobody's on fire. But the girl with the pink headache in the back could pass as New 52 Windfall.

Last issue was a dream sequence because if Black Canary really kissed The Cunt Condor, I'm going to punch myself in the face, call the police, and tell them that Christy Marx assaulted me. And they'll probably be all, "The creator of Jem? That is truly, truly outrageous."

That joke was fairly obvious but it still made me chuckle when it popped into my head. Okay. That's enough preamble. Time to...I wonder if that's how the Founding Father's wrote the constitution?

Gouverneur Morris: "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, to party as hard as the day is long..."
James Madison: "No, no! That doesn't sound right. Change that bit up. How about...'establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence?"
Gouverneur Morris: "Yes! Yes! But let's make sure 'defense' is spelled with an "s". We're fucking Americans now!"
James Madison: "Oh, right! Right!"
Gouverneur Morris: "Is that enough Preamble?"
Rufus King: "Naw! We need a little more. Pad that shit up! We want this shit memorialized in a cartoon song for the bicentennial! We want this to be so good, everybody will remember our names until the end of time!"
Everybody Many Generations Later: "Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin wrote a fucking kickass Preamble!"

Jesus. This just went from Preamble to Preramble! Oh!

I also just spent the last hour instant messaging with my friend Doom Bunny about Gouverneur Morris. I assure you, I'm weeping from laughing right now. After making fun of his name for awhile, we finally looked up his biography on Wikipedia. Greatest Founding Father ever. Let me just highlight his best moments: shattered his leg fleeing from a jealous husband whose wife he was fucking and received a wooden pegleg; kept a sex diary; died after shoving a whale bone into his urinary tract. Anybody with children, when they need to write a report on a Founding Father, steer them toward Gouverneur Morris! Guaranteed A+! Or maybe just a note saying, "See me after class."

Lastly before I get to the book, whale bone? That guy was fucking hung!

Currently, Condor and Canary are taking the escalator to the mezzanine to get some Cinnabon bon, Cinnabon bon!

At least Condor and Canary use the stairs like reasonable people. Batgirl continues to swing through the hallways on her Batgrapple. That's just lazy. I don't think she's truly gotten her mind out of the wheelchair yet and she doesn't trust her legs. That's probably why she continues with her psychotherapy. Although it would probably be easier to walk down a hallway in a building than to swing down it on a fucking rope. Maybe she's actually dropping down from a hole in the ceiling above. Never mind.

The Birds and Cock of Prey eventually find Strix back down in the lab where they realized Starling was a cold-hearted alcoholic.

This editor's note is an insult. It's probably longer than Strix's appearance in Talon #9. Birds of Prey fans should not have been coerced into buying Talon #9 when the Birds of Prey only made the cover and Strix was in maybe three pages.

The Birds of Prey move into their new headquarters: Condor's Workshop. Dinah wants to avoid anywhere that Starling would know about and since nobody knows anything about Condor (nor does anybody, especially the readers, want to know anything about him! Why isn't he dead yet?!), the Birds feel safe here. Does that sentence makes sense? They know nothing about Condor, so they feel safe with him? Yeah! That sounds about right!

As they set up their new nest, Batgirl gets a phone call that sends her flying out the door. Booty call from Nightwing? Probably.

Meanwhile in the Andes, Regulus (who isn't dead, remember! He died but then he didn't die! Just like Deadshot who killed himself to kill Regulus so that they both could live!) is beginning OPERATION KAIZEN! Some people call it OPERATION SLINGBLADE but he calls it OPERATION KAIZEN! Phase One is to send out Tsiklon and her team to do whatever they're supposed to do in Phase One. Yes, here name is Tsiklon! Lord Google tells me it means Cyclone in Russian! That must be why she has a hurricane tattooed on her face.

See? She's even being coerced like Windfall was! I smell a new member of the Birds of Prey and, mmm boy, does she smell good!

Regulus's right pupil returns to his face as he tells Strike Force: Basilisk! that it's time to return Condor to their fold since he was apparently a member at some point. So it's the oldest rivalry in the book: Serpents versus Birds! But Regulus wants Black Canary as well! Because he wants to break her!

Back at the Birds' Nest, Black Canary wonders what to do next as she sees her team falling apart. It seems to me that if you don't have anything to do, why do you need a team? Perhaps there's a reason why a civilian identity is important. Nobody should be their job or else they turn into Batman. Or, worse yet, Alfred Pennyworth. That guy needs to take some time off from butlering and just cut loose in Tokyo. Why isn't that a mini-series, DC? "Alfred Pennyworth Does Tokyo!" Do I have to write it for you?

While Dinah is having her Birds of Prey crisis, Condor takes advantage of her and makes me sick.

This needs to stop happening already! You know how this can stop happening? If Condor were to be killed!

Remember how you did that phone thing, DC, where you had your fans call in to vote if Robin should live or die? Well, I think you should do that with Condor. But if you do, you don't actually have to do it because I can tell you right now that everybody will vote for Condor to die. So just kill him already!

Condor rushes off to the bank where he encounters the old wise woman from Birds of Prey #whatevernumberthatwas. If you want a character that just screams, "I am super wise!", you get Yoda. But if you can't afford the fees associated with using Yoda in your comic book, you get an elderly black woman. Bonus points if she's blind. This woman seems to be testing Condor to make sure he's a good guy. I don't know if the woman is simply looking out for Dinah or if she plans on using Condor for herself, since she's conspiring with a taxi driver that refers to her as "mother". Sounds like a cult to me!

Batgirl returns from her stint killing her brother and now she looks to Black Canary for solace because Canary has experience in killing people she loves. Little do they both know, neither one of them actually has experience killing anybody! Because James Gordon, Jr, and Kurt Lance are both still alive! Although both of them may have been resurrected by the Samsara Project. Which means they could explode at any moment unless they ingest some of Resurrection Man's semen. Don't scoff! That's a thing! I read about it in a Disqus Comment I wrote!

Meanwhile on his way back from the bank...

Mmm! Tastes like Canary!

The rest of Strike Force: Basilisk (when did I time travel to the 90s?) are breaking down the bay door of the Birds' Nest. Whipcrack begins the festivities with a line so bad that the rest of the fight dialogue will be uphill: "Ever felt a taser? How about a dozen at once?" That's almost as good as Storm's line in X-men: "Know what happens when lightning strikes a toad? Same thing as everyone else." I'm paraphrasing because why would I waste brainspace remembering one of the worst lines I've ever heard? Although some people think it's a good line. Those people are stupid and wrong and can unfollow me forever if they disagree! Oh! Here's another bad line, this one from Blade: "It's like ice skating uphill!" Unless that line was different too. I suck at quotes! The only reason I could remember the Preamble to our Constitution was by singing it! Thanks, Schoolhouse Rock!

The bad guys' lines are so bad, Batgirl begins suggesting her own.

Not surprisingly, I first read this as "I'm a big dumb thug that doesn't know how to suck dick."

Black Canary decides to end the fight by screaming but to do so, she has to tell all of her friends to get out of the way. This telegraphs the fact that she's going to use her secret weapon which gives Strike Force: Basilisk time to shove Uplink into the forefront and use her power to connect herself to the minds of the Birds of Prey. Interestingly enough, when she accesses the minds of the Birds to shut them down for capture, her power manifests as birds attacking their heads. Which means she's a perfect fit to become a Birds of Prey! Yay!

Oh yeah, the issue ends with all of the Birds captured and Whipcrack getting ready to kill Batgirl and Strix.

Birds of Prey #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. I enjoyed this issue much more than just about every other issue put out so far. DC may have done a lot of stumbling in the first year or so of The New 52, but they do keep managing to up the average quality of the entire line. Sure, there are still some incredibly bad mistakes happening *cough* Scott Lobdell *cough* *cough* and canceling Demon Knights and Dial H *cough*, but they do seem to be getting a better grasp of their vision. Obviously they've put a knife in the back of a lot of loyal fans but why should I care about that?! I was one of the disloyal ones they wanted back! I'm the person they really care about! Just like all those artists and writers at Marvel in the sixties and seventies. The ones that went to DC and returned to Marvel made more money and were treated better than the loyal ones that remained year after year!

Birds of Prey #21

I almost forgot that Calvin Rose is all dead and shit.

Quick recap: Talon appeared before Batgirl and Strix. Black Canary and Condor wandered off. Mister Freeze escaped. Starling is a fuckbag. And here we go!

This issue begins with Talon wrapping Batgirl up in her own cape and throwing her down a stairwell. He accomplished this because she spent most of the fight Narration Boxing to herself about how odd it was that a Talon wasn't trying to kill her. Take that, you over-thinker! Now Strix is going to have to fight Talon all alone. What chance does a Talon have against Talon? Oh, hmmm. I bet it's a draw!

I see Christy Marx is keeping Duane's love of falling characters alive.

That sign should say, "Coming Soon: Bruce Wayne's pockets get fatter and fatter as many Gotham citizens are marginalized!"

Meanwhile Black Condor continues to look like a fucking idiot. He's bragging about how he knows how to pull a hard drive out of a computer. You're lucky that was a removable hard drive, you douche bucket! Stop bragging about flipping a switch and pulling! Could you have done it if you had to open the case up? Do you carry teeny tiny screwdrivers somewhere on that stupid fucking costume? I HATE YOU! DIE ALREADY!

OH BOY! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TECHNICAL KNOW HOW ON THAT PURPLE HEADED TWIT!

Sorry for yelling. I need a moment to compose myself.

Batgirl radios Black Canary and Condor for help. So they use radio communicators and cell phones? Do they need the phones for long distance communication with each other? Or is the phone for setting up Birds of Prey auditions and gossiping about what Batman's secret identity might actually be.

On the street below, Strix regenerates faster than Talon because she's had more practice. She thinks about cutting off his head but decides to leave him be because she's a pussy. Or she has sympathy for him. One of those. She then climbs back up the side of the building because nobody has given her one of those Grapple Hook Shooters that everybody else in Gotham seems to own.

Talon wakes up and realizes he's been the victim of a mercy living. That's when the good guy shows mercy to the bad guy and then the bad guy yells at the stars for being liars and then throws himself off of a bridge. Except Talon doesn't realize he's supposed to kill himself after being shown mercy and simply goes back to work trying to kill Strix.

The two Talons crawl into a window to fight on some middle floor so it will be harder for the other Birds of Prey to find them. This way, they can have some alone time trying to kill each other before Black Canary screams Calvin Rose's face into jelly. I wish she would scream Condor's face into jelly.

This is what happens when Talons fight. You're dead! No, you're dead! No you are! You are! Pointless. If only Matthew Broderick were here to force them to play Tic Tac Toe two hundred million times.

Batgirl goes off on her own to find Strix while Black Canary and Condor wander around discussing stuff. It's really stupid stuff that nobody wanted to know anyway. They should just keep it to themselves because it's confusing and threatening and it's making me uncomfortable.

Is Dinah suddenly on drugs? What the fuck? Did he use his power to force her lips onto his? I wish she would accidentally hiccup and blow his brains out.

Did I miss something? Was there some kind of chemistry going on between these two? It's got to be his power, right? Maybe besides his Telekinesis, he also has the "Look at My Face and Want to Fuck Me" power.

Back to the Talon battle, Talon gets the upper hand on Talon but then Talon pulls a reversal and then Talon looks like Talon is about to die. But then Talon is about to stab Talon in the face and Talon realizes that Talon just can't kill Talon. So the Talons become friends instead. They rush off together to probably save Casey and her daughter over in Talon #9. Unless they're just going out for burgers. Maybe they're going to look for Mr. Freeze? I don't know! I might know if Strix would say something once in a while! Somebody should buy her some chalk or a pen and notepad so she doesn't have to keep finding rocks to scrape words in the dust.

Birds of Prey #21 Rating: No change. I'm so mad at Dinah right now. How could she kiss that stupid, goofy, jerk? She must still be confused and distraught over Starling's betrayal. I hope that's it.

Birds of Prey #20

Well at least maybe she'll be able to hit something with that gun.

Last issue hit us all over the head with a huge twist shocker that Starling is a big douchebag. Although she's been all over the place in this comic so far. She loves Black Canary. She hates Black Canary. She doesn't know Katana's husband is in her sword. She knows Katana's husband is in the sword. She knows Black Canary killed her husband. She doesn't know Black Canary killed her husband. She's always drunk. She's never not drunk. Okay, so that's been consistent. But now that she's betrayed the team, I have to believe that she's actually betraying the betrayal of the team. Or, you know, she's still loyal. One of those ways was a much clearer way to phrase it.

The issue begins with Black Canary meditating on betrayal. "It's the bread and butter of Black Ops!" "Everybody betrays everyone eventually especially when you have inconsistent writers like Duane Swierczynski!" "Starling was such a fine, upstanding, decent, loyal friend who never constantly accused me of murdering my husband and selling her out to hit squads! I can't believe this!"

Why does she mention being Black Canary? Is one of her super powers to not be duped by double agents?

Strix is trapped in ice and Starling has the rest of the Birds covered with her pistols. I don't know why they don't charge her and disarm her! Nobody but the wall behind them is in danger of being shot. Black Canary decides to talk it out to give Babs some time to cut Strix out of the ice. But talking it out probably isn't such a good idea because Starling actually raises some pretty good points that I'm sure Black Canary will ignore simply because her feelings are hurt. And fuck working with someone who just hurt your feelings!

Meanwhile Condor simply stands around looking stupid.

Black Canary refuses to work with a crazy person like Mister Freeze. A crazy person like Katana? Oh, sure. No problem! She just talks to her sword, stabs people, and blows up hotels filled with guests. But at least she doesn't go around pretending she can eventually resurrect her spouse! Umm, hmm. Now I'm not exactly sure why Black Canary won't work with Mister Freeze! I guess the only reason left is because he has a prick! Sexist!

The lab coats in Owl Masks try to make a break for it and Starling shoots the wall around them to get them to stop. It doesn't work. Also, it isn't just that she's a lousy shot this time although I would have liked to leave it at that if I didn't think everyone on the internet would correct me. Condor uses his stupid mental powers to stop the stupid bullets from hitting the wall. Big help that guy is! At least the walls won't need any repair.

While the heroes and villains battle for who gets to take down the Court of Owls, the Court of Owls' lab monkeys make a break for it. Mr. Freeze traps Condor and Black Canary behind a wall of ice and Condor is useless to manipulate that much ice with his telepathy. Or perhaps it only works when things are flying at him very quickly. And Black Canary refuses to yell at the ice because she might hurt someone. On the other side of the ice, Starling continues to try to explain how they could all work together to stop the Court of Owls. But nobody wants to work with her now because she's a fucking jerk that lied to them and liars need to stop lying already even if it means The Court of Owls thugs get away.

The mantra of The New 52!

While the Court of Owls' scientists retreat, one of them takes the time to phone the Grandmaster to let him know that the mute Talon has returned. The Grandmaster is just relaxing at home in his Owl Mask because I guess they never take them off? He tells her to make sure Mary Turner (Strix!) doesn't leave. So now the Court of Owls' scientists need to stand and fight or else the Grandmaster will be angry. And then it will be the Night of the Talons all over again!

It turns out Mister Freeze is only using his indignity as a cover to hunt the Owls so he can learn one of their secrets, most likely one that will help restore his dead wife that he doesn't want to remember is dead.

It's stem cells pulled from the corpses of liberal babies spawned by Satan in unholy black rituals learned from playing Dungeons and Dragons and ignoring the wisdom of Ronald Reagan.

Oy! I knew it had something to do with Dungeons and Dragons!

Now that Mr. Freeze has the secret that he believes will bring back his wife (probably. Isn't that the only reason he does everything?) even though I'm pretty the process only works if you stick the electrum in a person's teeth while they're alive, he's ready to leave with Starling. I wonder why Starling owes him a favor? What's there a connection? Why does Starling have a stronger connection with Mister Freeze than with Black Canary? I believe it has something to do with all of the Wildstorm characters being written like crap since Flashpoint merged them into the DC Universe. They may or may not have been written like crap before that but I wouldn't know having read nothing but The Authority.

Starling gets away because Black Canary screams at her and the scream collapses the hallway Starling was running through although it doesn't hurt Starling at all. I guess because flesh is malleable while stone is rigid. I think Jesus or Einstein or Kant or Brandi Carlile said something about being more like the willow than the oak and this explains that somehow. And Starling plugged her ears with her fingers, so that kept her head from exploding. The important thing to the story is that she gets away to be dealt with later. And the really important thing to this story is that stupid fucking Condor is still alive.

The team splits up because Strix needs to get out of the cold and into the sun to heal, so Batgirl climbs out of the building with her while Canary and Condor go after Mister Freeze. And then Batgirl and Strix run into a very special guest star for next issue!

Calvin Rose! Okay, okay. I guess the guest star isn't all that special.

Birds of Prey #20 Rating: No change. Man. I liked Sword of Sorcery so much that I'm really disappointed with Christy Marx's Birds of Prey right now. I'm still hoping it eventually gets better since Marx was left with a confusing mess with some really awful characters when she took over. I suppose I just have to give it time! I hate giving things time!

Birds of Prey #19

Intact Freeze Gun. Undamaged Leg. I guess this takes place prior to Batwoman #18.

Now it makes sense that Mr. Freeze was able to leave a message for the other Birds of Prey on Starling's cell phone! How could I not have seen it before? The two are working together. That's the only explanation for Mr. Freeze having Starling's number. Well, maybe there's one other explanation that has to do with Mr. Freeze picking her up at a bar by buying her fifteen shots of whisky and laying down some really strong game. But I highly doubt there are any other explanations! Besides God. God is always an optional answer to questions that can't yet be answered by science or smart people.

I don't know how Black Canary doesn't figure it out immediately though. The first thing she should have asked was, "How the fuck did Victor Fries get Starling's number!?" Then the next question she should ask is, "Is Starling's phone number listed?" And then she should have realized all of their secret identities were at risk because she allowed a fucking drunk to hang out with them. And since I'm tired of this train of thought, let me finish with this non sequitor: I hope Condor dies.

The team stands around The Birds of Prey's soon to be flooded headquarters wondering where they're supposed to meet Mr. Freeze. He left them with a riddle even though he's not The Riddler. If he really wanted them to bring the Talon to him, why didn't he just say, "Bring her to the Starbucks on the corner of 5th and Jackson. The one on the Northwest corner, not the one on the Southeast corner." While they are discussing where to go, Batgirl uses the phrase "mad-on" and I'm suddenly sorely disappointed in Christy Marx. Fuck how I hate that saying. And Batgirl says it with her stupid chin strap face mask. I hate that chin thing on her mask as well!

At least the other thing I hate, Condor, has some important words for the group.

These cell phones are serious security risks.

Strix runs away while they're bickering which is probably for the best. Now Starling and Strix are gone! They just need to ditch Condor and they'll be rid of all the members I can't stand! Of course it'll just be Black Canary and Batgirl after that. But there are plenty of female bird heroes that can join the group! Like...well, I can't actually think of any right now. But I'm sure there are bunches!

The rest of the group all split up to track down Strix. Good thing they have their hacked cell phones so they can stay in touch.

While Black Canary gets some parkas and comforters together for their fight against Mr. Freeze, she reminisces about her first days with Team 7.

So it was just a coincidence that her sonic scream that would manifest later just happened to match up with her Team 7 codename? Not that canaries are known for blowing up people's heads with their bird songs. But you know what I mean. Right?

The team quickly tracks down Strix who just ran away like a scared kid when she heard they needed to go back to the Court of Owls' lab. But to save one of her new best friends, she's willing to be brave and lead the way. Damn. I was hoping she'd simply disappear.

I understand that "Birds of Prey" is also a pun on the slang term of "bird" meaning female which is why the team is traditionally all women. But I think it's time for Black Canary to fire everybody and have an all male Birds of Prey team! Because there aren't enough male-dominated super groups out there! Plus the women have had their chance in this Reboot and they couldn't pull it off with Duane writing their exploits. But now that a female is writing the comic book, she should fill the team with males! It all balances out perfectly. Maybe the name can be changed to Cocks of Prey! And it could become a slapstick horror thriller erotica mystery tale!

I'd fucking buy that.

Anyway, they're off to find Starling!

Fucking Bruce Wayne. Just think how many homeless people he created with this new fucking project to make money on turning another district of Gotham into a swanky, high-priced condominium hellhole.

On the way, Black Canary describes her fishnet technology to Condor. I have a feeling she's exaggerating a bit when she describes them as "kevlar-carbon-fiber-polymer mesh with self-repairing nanobots". Really, Black Canary? You have nanobots crawling about your under things? I think that's creepy. Or sexy? No, no. Definitely creepy.

When the team arrives at the Court of Owls' lab, they only find two Owl Scientists experimenting on the corpse of a young woman that had jumped into a river. No sign of Freeze or Starling which is when Batgirl realizes what just happened. Mr. Freeze was looking for information that the Talons were not giving up: the location of this lab. So he tricked the Birds and Strix into leading him to the place. Very nice, Mr. Freeze! A+ on the Super Villainry!

Hmm. Now I just wonder who Mr. Freeze was working with last issue!?

Of course this deteriorates into a brawl immediately. And even though Mr. Freeze has a gun that sprays ice all over the place in every direction and could fill the entire room in next to no time, he still begins to lose and calls out for help from his big surprise twist sidekick!

Surprise! What a twist!

Birds of Prey #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. Starling's loyalties have just been all over the place in this comic book so far. But if she is working with Waller, then maybe Waller has Mr. Freeze on a bit of a leash and the whole plan is to deal with some Court of Owls' shit. Here's hoping that this story arc kills the current roster and we get a fresh direction from this comic book soon.