Convergence: World's Finest #2

"To save the world, Scribbly Jibbet, you must man this "Victory" hole for 24 hours! God speed, brave hero!"

I wish more people reading my blog would ask me questions the way they ask other celebrities questions (shut up! My mother says I'll always be a celebrity to her!). Why isn't my Inbox full of questions like, "I think this thing very strongly (which is the completely right way to think which is why I thunked it up) and was wondering if I'm right to believe this thing because nobody knows right and wrong better than a celebrity!" Or "I want to do a thing very badly and need a celebrity to tell me it's okay to do this thing so here are all the reasons why you should probably agree with me and I loved that thing you did that time before you became washed up!" Or "You made a joke about a thing that was very funny and now I'm sending you this joke that is basically your joke again but I'm repeating it back to you which is so funny because I totally get the joke and I'm probably making it funnier unlike the other five thousand people who probably sent this same exact message to your Inbox because average people are so totally hilarious and not famous like you but they could be if only people noticed them." Or "I love you so much that I want to sex you in the baddest way possible all the time! And for free even!" Or "I would like to give you a lot of money so give me your bank account number and I will deposit loads of money into it and I promise this is not a scam at all."

Boy! I can't wait to be a big celebrity! I wish more people acted the way Raegan and Lexie and Sarah acted when I followed them on Twitter! Why can't more people be as enthusiastic as junior high school girls?! The world would be so much more fun! I wish I had more than three fans! Poo!

I'm going to contact my agent and tell him to get me published already! I'm tired of him lollygagging on penises instead of sending my fantastic Great American Novels to publishers! I'll never hire an agent from an ad in a comic book ever again!

Speaking of segues, here is a comic book I am reading: Convergence: World's Finest starring Scribbly Jibbet, Sir Justin (the nick of time! Har!), and Victory the Winged Horse! They all went on an adventure together. I think Scribbly was allowed to accompany the heroic knight because he's kind of like a bard except more lame seeing that he's an editorial cartoonist. Even the people who wipe down porn actors between takes have a more respectable job. That actually sounds like a good job! You get to grope women and get paid to do it! You also have to grope men half the time as well (or more than half depending on the film!) but it would totally be worth it. I wonder how you get into the business of jizz mopping?

The action begins with a Weaponer of Qward attacking The Shining Knight and Scribbly Jibbet. Mostly he's attacking The Shining Knight while Scribbly Jibbet pees his pants.

Journalists are such selfish narcissists! "I'm going to became famous by publishing a story about observing the same thing everybody else can observe! Only I can put things into a profound perspective that nobody else can! I will be a celebrity! People will send me messages! I will have sex for the first time!"

Sir Justin ditches Scribbly because Sir Justin is trying to save the world while Scribbly is just trying to write an article to win a Pulitzer. Among journalists, the Pulitzer is referred to as "The Panty Dropper." Maybe only among male journalists. And lesbian journalists. And not gay male journalists. How many more exceptions do I have to mention before I can be assured that nobody will accuse me of erasing somebody?!

Meanwhile, Vigilante drives into a Qwardian Dance Off.

And I'm fairly certain Crimson Avenger engages in a hate crime.

I wonder if Crimson Avenger finds it annoying that Vigilante never gets off his stupid motorcycle. Is he jealous that the other two soldiers still standing aren't actually standing? How come he doesn't get a vehicle? Or pants?

I guess Sir Justin doesn't have pants either. But he gets to wear a skirt so only pervs on the subway get to look at his underwear.

Telos transports The Shining Knight and the Weaponer of Qward to an old fashioned medieval arena. I guess Telos wants to give Sir Justin the advantage! He's playing favorites! I guess I would be too. If Qward wins, that means the most boring place in this whole competition will get to win! After 30th Century Metropolis, I mean!

He's not deserting you! He's just going to write down his brilliant idea for a new editorial cartoon! And by brilliant I mean the exact opposite of brilliant with a load of boring thrown in! Scribbly is the worst!

I don't know if Sir Justin is winning his fight because the action keeps following Vigilante, Crimson Avenger, and the Qwardian Dance Parties.

Vigilante and Crimson Avenger just dropped some ecstasy and are ready to groove.

Scribbly Jibbet has left Metropolis to hunt down Sir Justin. As he climbs a cliff to get to the battlefield, he thinks about the best times of his life: drawing cartoons; kissing one girl; creepily watching children in the park; talking with babies. Wow. I thought my life was boring! At least I got to excitedly use semi-colons incorrectly! Oh! And have sex with loads and loads of hot women who all practically begged for more!

Scribbly Jibbet arrives just in time to see Victory save Sir Justin's life! By raping the Weaponer of Qward!

Neigh means neigh!

The Weaponer stabs Victory and I can't say Victory didn't deserve it because that whole ass-rape thing was totally uncool. There's fighting fair and there's fighting dirty and then there's raping the person you're fighting. One of those things is totally wrong! The last one. Also, the second one might not be too cool either, depending on the situation. Like if you're a greaser and you're getting your ass kicked, it's probably okay to pull a switchblade and stab the guy. But if you're a boxer and you're losing, you probably can't just kick your opponent in the crotch.

Before Scribbly can sacrifice himself to save the day, the Qwardians Dance Party breaks up and the Qwardians begin looting the city. First they raid the Farmer's Market and eat up all the vegetables. Then they go have aperitifs down at Le French Place. But before they can really dig into a fancy meal, a cop shows up and begins punching them in the face. He doesn't even read them their rights! Metropolis cops are as dirty as Gotham cops! And all the other cops in fictional and non-fictional cities in the United States!

Here's a way to tell if your friend on Facebook is racist! Do they post a message about supporting police whenever police get caught on camera for acting like violent monsters? Hmm, I thought I was going to be saying something insightful there but it just came out as painfully obvious!

They're really flying high on that X! And yet Crimson Avenger still wants more!

Up on Battle Mountain, Scribbly saves Sir Justin's life without having to sacrifice his own. I guess he's going to live to draw bad cartoons after all! With the help, Sir Justin beats the Weaponer of Qward. But when Sir Justin shows mercy, Telos arrives to end the competition without a winner. Telos sends them back to their cities to await whatever oblivion shall befall them. Metropolis had better hope that the earthquake hits before they become nonexistent! I don't want a DC Universe without Scribbly Jibbet!

On second though, let him go!

Convergence: World's Finest #2 Rating: Five Crying Eagles out of Ten. I wish this issue had concentrated more on the Qwardian Dance Parties and Vigilante making out with Crimson Avenger in the Chill Room.

Divergence: We Are Robin!
"Spinning out of the pages of BATMAN...a new Robin? No, HUNDREDS of new Robins!"

Do we really need that many Robins? Aren't we good with the half dozen we already have? Although with this many Robins, DC Comics can enjoy their favorite pastime every month and never run out of Robins! Although they might run out of available plots down at Gotham Cemetery.

The story is about a bunch of DCYouths who chat on their phones and fight crime and rebel against authority and give it to the man and show adults how life as a teenager is so hard, you can't even!

I'll probably enjoy it!

Convergence: Superboy #2

Who didn't want to do this to 90s Superboy?

Superboy has been sitting on my scanner for about five hours as I keep coming up with other things to do rather than read this comic book. I don't think I'm in the mood for angsty teenage bravado! But I guess I have to get on with it if I want to read Convergence: Green Arrow #2.

Come to think of it, I don't want to read that one either.

Last issue ended with Superman challenging Superboy to act like a Superman. It was completely in character for Superman to act like a gigantic asshole. Actually, being that this is Kingdom Come Superman, it might be! I don't think it is because Magog is the asshole in that comic book. Although wasn't Superman retired because the government frowned on masks? Wait, was that Watchman? And at what point did Parliament blow up?

You know what I should be paying more attention to? The Eisner's! Did you know there was a category for Best Comic Book Journalism? I should have been rallying support for write-ins! Yesterday I heard that I did get one write-in vote! So I'm almost the best comic book journalist!

Currently in this comic book, Superman is hitting Superboy with a plane. It's the kind of image that makes comic book fans go, "Holy heck! Awesome!" But intelligent, pipe smoking, slipper wearing critics like me raise up one finger and say, "A-ha! But how does Kingdom Come Superman, no matter how strong he might be, hold and swing a plane by the tail without throwing out his back? He's an old man, by gum!"

Last issue was narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex. This issue continues to be narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex! He's some weird Satyr-like being with telepathy who probably has loads and loads of sex. I've read enough ancient literature to know that horns are a symbol for erect penises. If a creature has horns, look out! Mostly look out for its huge erect phallus.

Speaking of huge, erect phalluses, I bet in the time of Benjamin Franklin, men walked around with pitched tents all the time and the ladies just had to shut up about it.

Superman doesn't understand youthful passion, does he? He just hit Superboy with a plane! Why would Superboy care about anything this jerk said?

Superboy uses his tactile telekinesis to throw a plane into Superman. Now that they're even, maybe Superman will be all, "Heh! You got me! Okay, son, let's work together now." And then Superboy will be all "Don't call me son!" and he'll throw the airport at Superman.

Listen to your own stupid advice, Clark! I think this is that "do as I say, not as I do" crap parents love to pull.

I'm all for doing as I do while I say to do differently. It's the cool lifestyle choice of cool people.

Superboy doesn't give up because Superman tells him to. Why should he? Superman hasn't given him any reason to believe he's a good guy. He began the entire encounter by being a condescending dickhole. And then when Superboy chose not to submit to this asshole, Superman began hitting him with planes. Eventually, Superman escalates things by doing that thing that we all knew wouldn't go well when he finally did it: he calls Superboy "son." Superboy reacts by throwing Superman halfway across Metropolis. That's when Kingdom Come Flash arrives to punch Superboy in the face fifteen thousand times.

How does one know when something "almost" hurts? REM should have called their song "Everybody Almost Hurts".

Dubbilex and Serling run a computer simulation to determine how much of Metropolis will be destroyed if Superboy and Superman continue to fight. The result is "all of it" and "in thirty minutes." Their computer program is as dubious as the narration! Are they taking into account that Superman would never destroy Metropolis by battling for thirty minutes against Zod? I mean Superboy! It's patently ridiculous! And trademarkedly nonsensical!

Red Robin and The Flash evacuate the civilians from around the Superfight which already makes Dubbilex's computer model faulty since they programmed it to include The Flash in the fight. But now he's saving people! That probably means Metropolis has at least fifteen more minutes before it has Superboy-sized holes in the sides of every building. And then that Convergencequake hits which really screws up the computer simulation! Now the city probably only has ten minutes before it's rubble!

If you want to stop fighting, stop fighting! Batman Almighty!

Now that Lois has shown up, I bet they all hold hands and sing "All You Need is Love"! If I had been in The Beatles, I would have gotten laid so many times! But also, I would have called the song "All You Need is Onion Rings."

Lois decides to get an interview with Superman in the middle of the fight so when she gets brained by a piece of rock thrown at Superman by Superboy, I make sure to point out to everybody around me that I have no sympathy for her and she shouldn't have been there and I told you that would happen.

One of my favorite exploitation videos of all time back when Fox loved to air those television shows of people's near deaths caught on tape was one with an Australian school group hiking above a canyon. The teacher is filming and he's got the camera on two girls heading out on a tiny, dangerous looking path. He's yelling at them not to go out there when suddenly the ledge gives way and they begin tumbling into the chasm. He follows them with the camera and as he films it, as they're falling to possible death, he yells, "I told you not to go out there!" What an asshole!

The Flash takes Lois to the hospital where Superman prays they find she has amnesia so he can insinuate himself into her life. After she's gone, he decides to lecture Superboy and point out that if they're going to defeat the mysteryious Telos, they have a better chance if Superman wins this fight than if punk-ass Superboy wins. Superboy doesn't throw himself in front of a bullet like Catwoman does (spoiler if you haven't read Convergence: Catwoman #2 yet! Don't read that previous sentence!) but he does agree to take a few shots from Superman until he's knocked unconscious. According to the cover, Superman strangles him into unconsciousness! Sexy!

Ha ha!

After Superboy is knocked out, Jimmy Olsen steps in to take a humiliating picture of him for the cover of the next edition of The Daily Planet. Is everybody in this comic book a huge asshole?

Convergence: Superboy #2 Rating: I wonder if Justin Gray and Fabian Nicieza read each other's books and were all, "Hey! You got your dick butter in my choco-vagina!" They basically both came up with the same idea. They were given the task to write a match-up where they believed it was more heroic to show their character lose. At least Superboy didn't have to die! Although Lois might still die! I guess Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis is going to be short a few dozen women when this is all said and done. This issue garnered Five Rebellious Attitudes out of Ten because Superman chose to fight but kept blaming the fighting on Superboy. Take responsibility for your actions, Jerko! You could have beat Superboy without ever even throwing a single plane at him!

Divergence: Action Comics
"The epic new storyline 'Truth' begins! For Superman, there's no more holding back!"

Oooh! Doesn't this sound exciting?! A comic book where Superman doesn't hold back? What is this? The nineties?!

Here's the thing, Greg Pak and my good buddy Aaron Kuder whom I once met: I want Superman to hold back more! He should be holding back so much that he never sells another comic book because all of his encounters are so boring! If Superman were written correctly, he'd be a box office disaster! Why can't anybody write the best, most boringest Superman?! Because they're all cowards, that's why! They don't realize that I'd still support a boring Superman. I mean, I wouldn't read or buy any of his comic books or go see any of his movies. But I'd give him good reviews!

This Sneak Peek begins with Superman in Alaska. I guess he's gone to find himself as well? Is he going to drink whisky out of a dead man's anus too?

Superman is probably trying to get home. I guess editorial has decided that the Fortress of Solitude is in the Arctic this month as opposed to the Antarctic. Superman's powers are fading and he can't fly so he's riding a snowmobile. He's also being attacked by Shadow Ninjas!

Ever since Superman discovered his FWASH Power which drains his normal powers, every single writer has decided to write him without powers. And I guess everybody decided that he doesn't just lose his powers for one day. No, now he loses his flight for an unknown amount of time and his other powers have gone completely wonky. I guess DC Comics decided, yet again, that reducing his powers makes him more interesting. Superman's powers are like a sine wave over time. DC will reduce his powers because they think he's too boring when he's all-powerful. Then they realize that he's just not the same striking symbol without being the most powerful hero in all of comics, so they give him back all of his powers. Then they decide that nobody wants to read a guy that can't be beat, and they've all read the guy without powers that still fights the good fight, so they turn him into a stream of electrons or something crazy. I don't know! All I know is that DC Comics truly has no idea what to do with their most iconic character.

Batman is not the most iconic! He's their most popular character! Stop arguing with me, internet!

Superman still has enough power to kill all of the Shadow Ninjas since they must have just been Burnt Stick Golems or something. Then bleeding and freezing, he walks the rest of the way to the Fortress of Solitude.

But the Fortress doesn't recognize him and steals his clothes to leave him to die naked in the Arctic.

Typical.

Convergence: The Titans #2

Dreamslayer does not normally look like a vagina on fire. He usually looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I'm a little bit excited to find out how these Convergence two issue mini-series will end! I suppose they'll all end with either the good guys subduing the bad guys but not killing them, or they'll end with the good guys coming to an agreement to work together, both of which are against the rules of Telos's game. Since the Titans are battling The Extremists, this one will end with The Extremists thrown in meta-human jail.

Last issue ended with Roy Harper shooting his friends in the face. This issue begins with the super surprise revelation that he actually didn't aim at their faces at all. But he still did pull the trigger for some reason. It probably bought him enough time to come up with a plan where he can take out Dreamslayer himself since I don't think Donna and Kory can fight very well with their suits full of shit and piss. You know, because he almost shot them in the face! It's not like he worked the plan out with them beforehand. And Kory is surprised to still have a face.

"Tell me you have a plan that doesn't involve me smelling like roses!"

We all know what happens every time a good guy fires a gun or throws a batarang or shoots an arrow at the bad guy and doesn't hit him with the projectile, right? How many times have we read that scene? Well, Fabian Nicieza believes we need to experience that moment at least two more times. And both of them in the same scene! Those cranes that fell in the background and didn't crash into the Extremists? Dreamslayer sees them and says, "Ha ha ha! Missed me! Missed me! Now you have to tongue kiss my Sunny Delight vagina face!" And Roy is all, "I wasn't trying to hit you, twice delicious looking villain!" He then shoots an arrow into the cranes and Dreamslayer is all, "You missed again! I can't believe it! You're the worst!" And Roy Harper is all, "You must be from a dimension that has original writers if you've never seen this move before now!" He then swings by on the rope attached to the arrow stuck in the crane and grabs close enough to the real Lian Harper.

The distraction takes enough time for the other Titans that have not yet been in this comic book to appear.

I bet the cavalry is Aqualad! And he's borrowed Cyborg's fist with the sonic attachment!

It's actually just Cyborg with his own fist and his best friend and booty call, Beast Boy. Apparently Vic was in a coma for the entire year so his story would have been too boring to mention last issue. And Beast Boy was trapped as a green pigeon all year which must have sucked ass. Except for all the pigeon sex and free bread from old people.

Now that the odds are evened up quite a bit, Roy figures nobody will miss a guy that just shoots arrows. He grabs Lian, makes sure it's actually her by activating the parental denial switch, and takes her to safety in the Speedy Cave. Roy thinks he's safe from a guy who just brought Lian back from the past just before she died so he could use her simply to taunt Roy. Or Dreamslayer just made up a fake version of her (which he didn't because we all know that this has to be the real Lian Harper because the fans demanded it. At least until Peter David gets a crack at writing Roy and Lian and decides to make her into a cotton candy figment of everybody's imagination). And if Dreamslayer can do one of those things, it's simple enough for him to enter the Speedy Cave and kidnap Lian again. Now Roy has to get involved in the fight again because his excuse to sit this one out is gone.

Meanwhile at the main event...

Gar's not wrong.

Think of it this way, Gar. Justice League International defeated The Extremists. And they could hardly defeat anybody! Sure, they had some extra help from the Silver Sorceress and some guy named Blue Jay or something. But still! Justice League International beat these jerks! Now pull your monkey head out of your monkey ass, stop thinking about how much monkeys love buttsecks, and transform into something that can squash these jerks!

Ahem. Justice League International!

The Titans are getting their asses beat by the Extremists which is unsurprising and realistic. But Dreamslayer is still harping on Harper to side with the Extremists. If he does, Roy will be reunited with Lian. Dreamslayer must know that if Roy Harper fights against the Extremists, they will lose, which is surprising and unrealistic. But I guess this series is Roy's moment to shine while also taking Lian Harper out of the mini-fridge.

Roy activates his city wide turret system and shoots Kory in the belly with one of his guns. The readers all gasp in horror at Roy's betrayal! How could he turn on his team, even for his little girl's life? I can't believe he shot the one member of the team that can shrug off a blast lke that! How horrible!

Lian reappears near Dreamslayer's side but he threatens to send her back to limbo if Roy doesn't shoot all of the other Titans in the stomach as well. No chance Roy is going to use the guns against the Extremists now! So long, Cyborg! Nice knowing you, Donna! Good riddance, Beast Boy!

Wha-wha-wha-what?!

I guess Dreamslayer and I both fell for Roy Harper's gambit! I thought for sure the Titans were goners this time!

Roy sets off an EMP which causes Dreamslayer to teleport out of the Speedy Cave for scientific and totally believable reasons. Dreamslayer meets with the other Extremists who are tired of being shot by turrets and they all head off to battle the Titans somewhere free of big guns. Now the Titans just have to decide to follow them. Or can't they just declare victory now?

Donna convinces Roy to sit the rest of the fight out and hang with Lian because it's quite possible she might disappear as soon as Dreamslayer is defeated. And Roy should get to spend a little more time safe with his daughter. Then the other Titans fly off to finish the story in Convergence #6.

So that's how these mini-series are going to end?! By leaving the endings in the Convergenc series? I don't think there's enough room in the last three issues of Convergence to end forty other stories, so it's probably a fluke that this one ended that way. Although this issue isn't completely over yet!

Oh wait. Yes it is. It just has a huge sneak peek for Scott Lobdell's soon to be reviled new series, Red Hood Loves Arsenal!

Convergence: The Titans #2 Rating: Well it doesn't get a good rating because it didn't fucking end the story! I guess it kind of did since this was about Roy, and it was mostly about getting Lian Harper back. Whether or not the Titans defeat the Extremists is just incidental to the whole Convergence thing. Especially since Telos's plan is bound to be blown apart when all the heroes decide to stop fighting each other and engage in a sit-in.

I don't know if this Divergence Sneak Peek is taken from the first issue of the new series or if it's a short "Divergence" story, so I guess I'd better read the fucking thing. Just in case.

Divergence: Red Hood Loves Arsenal

It begins with this because Scott Lobdell thinks he's cute and clever. Hint and spoiler warning: he's not. Not at all!

Let me read this in thirteen year old boy and see if it's any better. Let me clear my head, give myself a boner, and start over.

Ha! "Together for the first time: Agains!" Again is always fucking funny! You can add "again" to the end of anything and it's so fucking hysterical! I fucked your mom. Again! I smoked so much fucking pot! Again! I drank until I fucking puked! Again! Ha ha! Awesome.

Wait wait wait! That was my modern day thirteen year old boy voice! If I were doing a thirteen year old boy from when I was thirteen in 1984, it would be quite different. I would have more references to Robotech or GI Joe, and I'd probably mention a few mythological beasts and super radical Dungeons and Dragons modules. I don't know what kind of thirteen year old boy Lobdell is writing to! Although his advice is to write what you know and he was thirteen in 1976, so the kids he's writing to were probably super excited about the Bicentennial.

Okay! Back to being a thirteen year old boy. It will probably be a mash-up of the three I previously described. Or it'll just be in my usual anti-Lobdell voice.

Kobra has been building cities beneath all the cities all over the globe because that's totally cool and radical and groovy and fucking fuck I can't even! Kobra has loads and loads of armies and they're going to take over the world. But guess why they're not going to take over the world?! Guess! Jason fucking Todd and Gosh Darned Speedy have infiltrated! If anybody can take down an army spread all across the globe, it's these two guys!

Jason Todd's plan is to shoot all the people in the face and save the day! Roy Harper's plan is probably to sit on the back of Kobra's huge killer robot and ride it around for fun.

Instead of riding the robot, Speedy just overheats the complex. That should kill all the servers and shit and completely crash the place and probably make all of the soldiers feel uncomfortable in their body armor so they'll have to take it all off and then they can't go to war and that will stop the plan dead in its tracks. Wah-lah!

Speedy says it melts the robot but that's just stupid because he's a genius being written by a stupid writer. You'll get that kind of reaction from Speedy quite a bit. And finally, Kobra and the members of Kobra's army with internal air conditioning attack!

Ha ha! They're so tremendously good at what they do that they don't fear death even in the face of insurmountable odds! Oh, those chuckle-heads!

Boo! Hiss! This will suck many, many bad things that people hate sucking!

Convergence: Superboy #1

Everybody put on their leather jackets in solidarity!

The New 52 Superboy has been a complete disaster. But I don't know if Pre-Zero Hour Superboy was really any better. I'm not one to judge because I never followed the post-Death of Superman story. Every now and then I'd ask somebody, "What the fuck is up with that Steel guy?" Or "Who the hell is that Cyborg guy?" Or "Seriously? Superboy in a leather jacket?" Or "Have the Newsboy Legion returned to keep Metropolis safe while Superman rots in the ground?" And then not long after that, I was all, "What the fuck is up with electric Superman?" and "Red and Blue whatzits now?!"

Seriously. I didn't follow Superman at all. The only reason I collected the DC Comics Presents series was because I liked reading about different characters and that was the best DC Comics book on the shelf at the time to read stories based on a variety of characters. They often weren't the best stories but what could you do? If you wanted well written comic books at the time, you needed to be reading Cerebus and Elfquest.

This issue is written by Fabian Nicieza so it's going to be horrible! Although the last Convergence issue he did, Titans #1, wasn't bad at all. That was disappointing. I hope he tried less on this issue.

For the first time since The New 52 began, a Superboy comic book doesn't begin with "My name is Superboy" and then all that shit about NOWHERE and being a living weapon. Yes, I'm exaggerating. There were a few issues that didn't begin that way. But not enough to matter.

For the last year, Dubbilex and Serling have been running tests on Superboy in an effort to return his powers to him. A full year with no results. This probably says a lot about me and nothing about Dubbilex and Serling but I would have quit after a week. And not even a full week! A work week! Then I'd be out of that lab and off playing with stray cats.

This is why I would have quit after a week. They probably knew all this shit after the first week and now just keep going back over it again and again. Don't they know there are stray cats to play with?!

Does anybody want to buy a slightly used copy of Convegence: Superboy #1? I left it squashed up in the scanner over night and the humidity from my office full of farts has warped it somewhat. Plus it's been read by me and has my DNA all over it, so super find, really! Eventually when science catches up to our imaginations, you'll be able to clone me from my DNA left on a copy of a comic book about a clone! Then instead of waiting weeks for me to type up a commentary about a comic book that you've read only to find I made one joke that wasn't even really a joke but I made a comment about how it was a crappy joke which was the only way you knew it was a joke, you could have your own clone of me sitting around making hilarious comments about the comic books you buy! Although I might say some really racist and sexist stuff as well. And don't introduce me to your mother because I will be getting into those panties.

And when I say my DNA is in this comic book, don't assume I shot a load over Superboy in tight pants. I was jerking it to super straight heterosexual pornography and the comic book just happened to be in my firing range.

Ugh! Why do old people think young people want to listen to them ramble?!

How come nobody has started a Medical Magic Mushrooms movement? I'm constantly bothered by these nagging aches in reality.

The comic book takes a surprise twist when the dome falls and Superboy regains his powers And then Telos declares a competition will take place between the cities he's collected. Oh! I get it now! Why didn't every other comic book make it clear that all of these things were linked together?!

I feel like Luthor now but does everybody all the time have to proclaim that they might see a bird in the sky? Is it that fucking surprising to see a bird fly by? Or an airplane? Who are these easily amazed assholes? And another thing: do people in real life point at shit as often as people in comic books do?

As soon as the dome falls, Kingdom Come's champions instantly infiltrate Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis. Sure, they have The Flash on their side so I guess I'll believe it. But Planet Brainiac leaves the whole competition thing pretty vague. I'm surprised how quickly so many champions know exactly what they're supposed to be doing. That surprise could just come from being a lousy adult that doesn't know how to organize anything. When terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center, I was less shocked and upset by the death and destruction as I was impressed that they could organize something like that. Man, if I were in charge of the world...well, Magic Mushrooms would be medicine, for one thing.

Superboy is ambushed by Red Robin (the Dick one not the Harvest one) who smothers him with kryptonite gas and kicks him in the face. After that, Red Robin suggests that they talk instead of fight. I don't know. I think once you've kicked me in the face, I'm not exactly going to give a shit about your opinions on anything. It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. Superboy might feel differently though since he's probably been punched in the face by Supergirl for no reason on multiple occasions.

Superboy does that tactile telekinesis thing that always sounds a bit pervy to me and knocks some buildings on The Flash and Red Robin. But that's when Kingdom Come Superman arrives to suggest that they work together to save both of their Metropolises. Kingdom Come Superman has an inherent distrust for youthful heroes without patience or any idea of responsibility. Which makes one wonder, then, why he decides to taunt Superboy instead of acting like the adult and saying something encouraging like, "I need your help, Superboy of another world! Will you kick at my side not as a sidekick but as a peer and lover?" Okay, maybe he might want to leave out the lover part since young men are prone to fits of homophobic discomfort.

Superman's line sounds like copy from a NAMBLA pamphlet.

Convergence: Superboy #1 Rating: Not a bad attempt at a Zero Hour era Superboy story. Although I'd prefer not to have Dubbilex telling me what he's thinking the whole time. Get out of my head, telepath! I'd much rather hear Superboy's thoughts about how he can never live up to the legend that is Superman and how he totally wishes he could fuck that woman that he passed by or that other woman that he passed by just now or that woman coming up that he's about to pass by or the other women across the street or the ones he remembered thinking about wanting to fuck the day before and the women that he'll meet tomorrow. Here's a glimpse inside the mind of Superboy who is really Superteenagedboy: "Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Meat-lovers Pizza (not gay man meat, of course! Pshaw! Sheesh! Yuck!). Sex sex sex sex sex sex! Popeye's biscuits! Sex sex sex sex sex sex! When am I going to have sex?! Or Popeyes!?"

Convergence: The Titans #1

If fans picked this book up hoping Roy Harper would finally be written as a likeable character, then they probably missed the small "Nicieza" down in the lower left.

It's been some time since I truly trashed a comic book. Sure, I have continued to point out how ridiculous Klarion has been or how mind-numbingly boring Sinestro is. But in recent months, I haven't lost my fucking mind over things like mistaking Antarctica for the Arctic. And I didn't just lose my mind once because of that! One writer didn't just one time mistake one of those for the others! It happened on a constant basis during the whole Culling "epic" which is an error so amateurish that I thought I must have been reading fan fiction.

Oh stop it, you fan fiction writers! Stop being so fucking sensitive! I'm not insulting your fucking writing! I'm just pointing out that it's of an amateur variety. If you mistook Antarctica for the Arctic, I would read it and think, "That would probably be corrected on a later draft if this story is even going to get a later draft which it probably isn't because it's not being written with a paycheck in sight but as just a part of the enjoyment of the fandom." Remember a professional piece of fiction has editors and proofreaders and people being paid a lot of money to make sure the fiction they're publishing isn't a complete embarrassment to their company. If you want to write a piece of incestuous fiction about Dream receiving a blow job from Destiny as Destruction licks Destiny's asshole, the only person you're embarrassing is yourself. And me if somebody catches me masturbating while reading it. But probably just you because I have a lock on my door. So when I compare The Culling to fan fiction, I'm just saying that...well shit. I just realized what I did. I owe writers of fan fiction an apology. The Culling was fucking awful.

Anyway, I could chalk up the whole Antarctica/Arctic thing to a couple of idiot writers like Nabian Ficieza or Lott Scobdell or Dom TeFalco (I'm using code so when their mothers Google their son's name to feel pride in their accomplishments, they won't find this bit where I metaphorically shit all over them). But then in Snott Scyder's Superman Unchained, the mistake crops up yet again! Now I've got to believe that all of the editors at DC Comics decided Geography was a bullshit subject so it was the perfect class to ditch so they could smoke dope underneath the bleachers and read Marvel comic books.

I remember Spider-man was my favorite superhero at around six or seven years old (I mentioned Marvel Comic books and now I'm talking about those! Keep up!). But then I tried reading a Spider-man comic book and I had to put it down because even at that age, I was all, "Jesus fucking Christ, Parker! Stop being such a pussy!"

But this is about The Titans! That's a comic book I really liked when I seriously got into comic books at about thirteen or fourteen. Although when I read it, I often thought, "Jesus fucking Christ, Dick Grayson. Stop being such a pussy!"

"You have to grow up or choose not to." Never before has one man so quickly thrown his hat into the ring of philosophy and immediately threw his back out, collapsed in pain, and gave up immediately.

I probably shouldn't make fun of Fabian Nicieza for that bit since it actually kind of makes sense. I have chosen not to grow up. But not in that stupid ass fucking "look at how silly and young I am" kind of way that attention seeking assholes favor. I mean in the way that I simply refuse to participate in the obligations that society tries to inflict upon adults. Yes, I pay rent and bills and have a job. But when I drop off my rent, I leave a flaming bag of dog shit on the property manager's porch. And I piss on all of my checks before sending them to the bill collectors. And I treat my job like an afterthought which is probably a huge mistake because when my business finally crumbles due to my lack of care and maintenance, I'm going to be forced to grow up! Although I have grown up in all the important ways like having had sex at least one time (or close enough to count, probably) and knowing how to turn on an oven.

To get a picture of what a lousy adult I am, here's a recent Google Hangouts conversation I had with my super grown up (or at least faking it really well) friend Doom Bunny:

Doom Bunny: "You hate people more than anyone else I know. How do you go through the day without punching somebody in the face?"
Me: "I don't interact with anybody!"
Doom Bunny: "That seems like cheating" [He didn't use punctuation like a lazy asshole!]
Me: "Refusing to play a game you never wanted to play in the first place is not cheating."
Me: "I'm going to have kimbap for lunch! That means I have to talk to somebody! I hope I don't punch them in the face."
Me: "You know what else keeps me from punching people in the face? I'm a pacifist!"
Me: "Also they're not real so why be bothered by them?"
Doom Bunny: "What's kimbap?"

I'm going to apologize to Fabian Nicieza right now before blasting him for being a shitty writer later because this was actually a good opening. I just realized the Narration Boxing was Roy Harper's. So it's just as inane and irritating as I'm used to after reading three years of Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper. So good job on capturing the shittiness of New 52 Roy Harper, Fabes!

Except this isn't New 52 Roy Harper! This is Preboot Roy! I'm taking back my fucking apology! You're the worst, Fabes!

Hal: "He's abusing heroin, Ollie." Ollie: "What?! Roy! You told me you were diabetic!"

Roy Harper goes over his past as quickly as possible because this series is only going to be two issues which isn't enough to cover his entire history beginning with his heroin use. That happened before I was even born! So he goes over the heroin part and then the recovering addict part by saying, "Heroin addict. Recovering addict." Wow! Kicking heroin is easy! I'm going to try some later.

He left out the most important part: Soulpatch.

The "and then..." bit leads into the part of his story where Lian is crushed by falling rubble. Roy then Narration Boxes: "Is there a word to describe someone who loses a child?" Careless?

At least going over his history this quickly gets him right into the part where the dome covers Gotham. Although in his story, Starfire crashes into the clock face of Barbara's apartment because her flight gets turned off. I guess Kory wasn't actually flying in Nightwing Loves Oracle #1. She must have been leaping off of the roof of a building and catching on to Nightwing's rope. And because of their sexual history, it didn't cause Nightwing to crash out of the sky. They totally know each other's moves.

With all the super powers turned off, crime dropped in Gotham. Although since when was having super powers ever part of Gotham's criminal arsenal? Anyway, things calmed down. That let Roy feel less useless because now super heroes weren't needed and he didn't have to constantly eat his spleen about having given up super heroics. So he got a grant from the Wayne Foundation because, even though everybody is now sharing everything under the dome, Roy still needed money to open up Lian's Place for displaced families.

I've been avoiding discussing what happened to the economy of these domed cities and I will continue to avoid it even when one of these stories spits it into my face with a moment like this. How many businesses were ruined by loss of contact with the outside world? How are the banks supposed to have access to enough physical funds for everybody now? What would anybody need money for? According to Harley Quinn #1, drugs are running out and people are still working jobs that probably don't fucking matter anymore (for a full year?! What the hell?). According to Nightwing Loves Oracle #1, lots of types of food is running out. According to Superman #1, Lois Lane is still writing articles and Superman is still stopping crime. According to Batman and Robin #1, The Penguin is still trying to make money by controlling the means of production within the city (although isn't everything the city needs provided for by Planet Brainiac?!). According to me, I don't want to think about any of this shit!

Aha! The economy is now based around pornography! I bet Troy Photo Studios now rivals Wayne Enterprises!

I don't know why Donna and Kory can't hear Planet Brainiac's speech. I guess Roy needs them to look outside so they can read his words floating in the air.

Kory and Donna have their powers back. It's a good thing this comic book didn't begin with Donna Troy narrating it because there's no way she'd explain her history in just two pages. The three of them have the most natural conversation Roy, Starfire, or Donna Troy have had since the Reboot. So that's one check in Fabian Nicieza's win column even though the Donna Troy part of that last sentence is a gimme.

Is that a pedophilia joke?

Arsenal heads into his Arsenal Cave which he built using the Wayne Foundation Grant because fucking displaced families can take care of themselves, fucking layabouts. I'm not going to ask any questions about how he accomplished it. Arsenal can build anything and Planet Brainiac provides are the only two comic book things I probably need to know! Roy's computer system rivals the Batcomputer for keeping him abreast of everything going on in the city. Now he sits before it to wait for something awful to happen. Planet Brainiac did mention fighting to survive, after all.

What voice?! You heard it before they did! You might have missed the second half which they apparently heard but asking Donna "What voice?" after hearing the initial proclamation when the dome fell? Stop being an idiot, Roy Harper! Don't forget: you are Preboot Roy Harper! Now act like it!

I hope Troia (does Donna still call herself that? She's got the Troia costume!) and Starfire have to battle Yankee Poodle Dandy and Pig Iron!

Nope. They get to fight more of The Extremists! And they get the more interesting members of The Extremists! Probably because these are the more powerful members with crazier powers that Batman and Robin might have a bit more trouble dealing with.

The Sabretooth ripoff just has to bring gender into it! He should actually point out how the Doc Ock look-a-like is a loser because he's a fucking Doc Ock look-a-like. Who is also fat. Come on! It's pertinent! He makes a bigger starbolt target!

After Lord Havoc incapacitates Kory and Donna with his Doctor Doom Blasts of Doom and Sloppy Vagina Face discusses chess like the pretentious twat he's trying to look like, Gorgon scoops up Kory and Donna in his Octopus arms and makes some more sexist comments. They're really, horribly sexist unlike my sexist comments which are simply sexist-lite, so you should concentrate on how horribly sexist he is and not on anybody else that might seem to be sexist but totally isn't at all. Scout's honor!

Boy scout's honor! Not girl scout's honor! Let's not get crazy! If I want honor, I'll go to the Boy Scouts where they learn how society works like how women in short skirts were asking for it and how to make wooden cars that go fast due to gravity and how gay people are not qualified to keep children safe in the woods. If I want cookies, I'll go to the girl scouts. Actually, I'll just walk past the girl scouts desperately trying to sell me cookies to support their organization so I can enter the store to buy Oreos.

What a pig! Also he's sexist!

Arsenal saves the day because he's a man, natch. But that's when Dreamslayer kicks over the chessboard and tells everybody that they're playing checkers now. Then he realizes that he probably should have just swept the pieces off the board since now he has to pick up the board so he can set up the checkers.

What I'm trying to say is that he brings Lian back to life and offers Roy a choice. If he kills Donna and Kory, Dreamslayer will let him have Lian back. Although that supposes that he can actually kill Kory or Donna with his dumb arrow. Plus he might want to take into account that this guy's name is "Dreamslayer." That doesn't sound like the kind of guy that makes your dreams come true! Plus his face looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I've never actually seen a vagina but I have consumed loads of Sunny Delight in my youth, so I think I know what I'm talking about. I used to drink Sunny Delight before all the cool people I know told me that it was gross and then I was all, "Yeah, yeah. Totally. I never drink that shit."

The issue ends with Roy's cybernetic, double-barreled wrist gun's barrels turning, one barrel each, towards Kory and Donna. Then the barrels say, "Kra-KOOM!" and light explodes out of them. But then the page says, "To be continued!" So I don't know if Roy actually shot Kory and Donna's faces off. I'm going to guess not. Plus Lian is probably real and they'll save her anyway because one of the fans' demands was to bring Lian Harper back. And DC Comics was all, "Anything you want, fans! Except all that other stuff you want! Plus all this stuff you hate! But you really want this, right? Well, now you have to shut up and love us!"

Convergence: Teen Titans #1 Rating: You suck, Fabian Nicieza. You especially suck because I wanted to get super duper angry at this comic book and relive my hyperbolic anger days! But instead you went and wrote a story that improved Roy and Starfire and Donna. At least by their New 52 standards! You actually caught, as much as you could in one short issue, the feeling of friendship I remember between these characters back when I was reading The Titans in the nineties. Or late eighties. Whenever! So congratulations, you stupid asshole, on ruining my day by actually writing a decent comic book. Dick.

Secret Origins #6

Stop stabbing yourself!

Wonder Woman
I wonder which Wonder Woman origin story DC will have decided to use for their Ultra-Mega-Major-This-Is-The-Goddamned-Truth Secret Origin? Will she be the child of Zeus and Hippolyta? Will she be made from clay? Will she have appeared fully formed during a violent, slightly incestuous hug between Ares and Aphrodite? My money is on the Zeus/Hippolyta thing even though Zeus wasn't masquerading as a sexy termite or anything when the fucking happened. Mainly because DC doesn't want to hurt Azzarello's feelings when he's in control of their pet project, Futures End.

Or they could just go for the joke origin! Are we sure Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis aren't behind this silliness?

While Diana spars with Aleka, she reveals a secret! It's not the secret that Aleka wanted to hear which would have ended with their underwear flying across the arena though. It's the one where Diana points out that she wants to leave the island because she's tired of everybody teasing her because she was made out of clay. "Ha ha! You didn't come out of a vagina!" they mocked constantly. I bet she winds up running away with a Jewish reindeer and a gay elf.

Diana teases Aleka until she's a sea of frothing madness down below by confiding a second secret as they lie exhausted in each other's arms on the beach.

"I can't wait to feel a cock inside of me!"

Actually, her second secret is the same as the first! She wants to leave the island! She's tired of being known as Princess Jugs (because she's made of clay! Not because of her bosom!) and just wants to go where nobody knows the story of her birth.

But unknown to everybody but Zeus and Hippolyta, Diana was not made from clay at all! Maybe. I mean, Hippolyta was barren. And she and Zeus fucked nearby the clay baby that Hippolyta had created, hoping to pray it to life. Perhaps Zeus pulled out and splashed his godly semen all over the sand, bringing the little clay baby to life? I can't know for sure because DC didn't publish the full sexual experience across eight titillating pages like they should have. Instead they kept it ambiguous. They probably would say they kept it decent but what's wrong with a little sex in comic books now and then?

Eww! So close to a little sex!

Athena visits Diana at night because Athena is a weird peeper that seems to be infatuated with Diana. Earlier while hiding in the jungle, she was diddling her owl genitals while watching Aleka and Diana nearly reach spargasm.

And then Steve Trevor crashes on the island, cock and all!

Oh yeah! Diana's gonna punch her ticket over and over again until he earns a free slice.

Wonder Woman Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm a sucker for this kind of pseudo-throwback art and writing style. Plus call me a filthy infidel blasphemer if you want (because, well, fuck it...I am!), but I actually like Diana's origin being that she was Zeus and Hippolyta's daughter and the story about her being formed from clay was made up to protect her from Hera.

Deadman
The only part of Deadman's origin that I'm familiar with is that he was assassinated while performing some trapeze stunt thereby ensuring that he'd spend his entire afterlife dressed in his ridiculous circus costume. Then he met a god and visited Nanda Parbat and, well, I guess he became a super hero for some reason. It actually seems like his story in DC Universe Presents #1-5 already presented his New 52 origin. I suppose this issue needs to add some stuff that will be important to his story later. Or it needs to retcon out a few plot points from the earlier story that the editors didn't want Boston saddled with. Hopefully it has something interesting to say that wasn't in the DC Universe Presents story or else I'm going to be asking DC Comics for a partial refund of this issue.

Boston leaves home where his parents constantly beat each other. Boston joins the circus where he becomes a sensational aerial acrobat that goes by the name Deadman. Boston gets shot and falls to his death. All pretty standard stuff so far!

Yeah, yeah. I read all that already! I smell a refund in my future!

Boston meets some chump named Brahma Dass that knows cosmic things about wheels and cycles and motorbikes. He also introduces Deadman to Nanda Parbat where they don't do anything at all. Then Boston forgives his parents and goes back to palling around with the Justice League Dark. The end! Or is it?! No, no. The end.

Deadman's Secret Origin Rating: No change. I believe the only thing that was added here was that Boston was angry at his parents but he learned to forgive them. That's like the most important lesson anybody believes they can teach anybody else that won't forgive. But they're wrong. Forgetting is the only part of "forgive and forget" that matters! Because if you're so angry at somebody that you can't properly live your own life, you don't need to forgive them to move on. You just need a large enough knock to the head to forget about them and then you'll be cool.

Sinestro
With all the retconning that's happened with Green Lantern and the various characters that surround him, I doubt I have any chance at actually guessing what Sinestro's origin is going to be. He was probably an arrogant Green Lantern that was kicked out of the Corps for being smug about being right all of the time. Then he stumbled upon Qward where he had some guy build Yellow Rings because the most powerful weapon in the universe couldn't handle the color yellow. Later we learned this was because Parallax was chilling hardcore in the Green Lantern battery. But before that was discovered and the yellow flaw was removed from the Green Lantern rings, Sinestro did not manage to kill every Green Lantern for some reason. How do you fuck up that badly? How do you have a weapon that can't be stopped by a bunch of assholes who rely on their weapons to do everything for them and you can't murder them all? Anyway, Sinestro eventually became friends with Hal Jordan although they were still enemies but more like friends that hated each other or enemies that secretly loved each other or something as equally silly as any of those. And now he has his own comic book that manages to bore the fuck out of me every month! Hooray!

Sinestro used to be my favorite villain on Challenge of the Superfriends. It takes a real lackluster comic book to make me now not care about him. Way to go, Cullen Bunn! I suppose that's some kind of achievement.

Sinestro gains his ring in much the same way Hal Jordan did. Apparently back in the day, Green Lanterns flew in space ships instead of in bubble wrap, and they weren't particularly good at steering those spaceships. I suppose when your ring has that cruel yellow flaw, you can't fly around in space with just the ring to protect you because as soon as you fly through some yellow dust traveling at the speed of light, you're toast.

Hmm. If the life support of the ring could sustain this duffel bag head, could it not have also sustained Abin Sur? I think Hal Jordan hasn't been totally honest about his origin.

Sinestro and Hal become Fremeses. Sinestro gets his yellow ring on the anti-matter planet of Qward. Sinestro builds an army. Sinestro tastes the rainbow. And then he does the most heroic thing anybody has done! He does the one thing that promises to save the universe from dozens of Cosmic Crises! He kills the Guardians of the Universe! And for some reason, nobody celebrates. Weren't they paying attention? Those Guardians were dangerous monsters! Anyway, after that, he reformed his Sinestro Corps and began looking for Korugarian survivors scattered across the universe. Also he played with Legos.

Sinestro's Origin Story Ranking: No change. Since these Secret Origin stories keep recounting what's happened to each character since The New 52 began (and, in the case of Green Lantern characters, before that since they kind of mostly ignored the Reboot), I think maybe I should stop reading it. Or, better yet, I'll stop reading everything except Secret Origins! And then Secret Origins will give me the synopsis of all the other comics I've stopped reading. I'll save a fortune!

Futures End: Wonder Woman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Goggles und her caravan leavin' Reading City now mit buckets and buckets of knowledge. Headed norf 'gain, for no real reasons but ta maybe meet up mit The Professor, if'n he's made it back from Death Carousel allup in what useta be Maine. Got no real fersure knowhow bout where ta turn next. Mostly acause Goggles...well, cause I...I'm fuckity scared, sees it?

[Nearly half a minute of silence]

I'm scared ta finish this. Beginnings...dey fuckin' easy, sees? Ya open da door, ya step dat one foots right out in front of da ovver, and ya git gone. Froward momentums is da easy part. Okay, okay...mayhap da initial gittin' moving be hard. But oncet ya steel up yer will und ya git yer mind lasered 'nuff ta push froward, ya begin ta coast. Ya git shit in motion ya got no reals control of, sees? Move, move, move. Ya stop finkin. Ya set dat cruisem control. Keep yer eyes jess far 'nuff 'heada ya ta keep from breakin' yer nose on some up and comin' obstacle. But when ya gots ta git an overview...when ya takes dat moment ta really look down da road und try ta git a bead on yer destination...dat when da panic comes down like da moon suddenly relyin' on youse alone ta keep it afloat. Da weight of it all come down on youse, und ya not sure ya gonna make it. Ya ain't ever gonna git ta that promised point, feels? Ya jess knows it. And den ya looks aroun' at all da flotsam and jetsam of society, all da lower voices what left all dey knew (even if what dey left was shit y misery and sickness y death) acause you said dis gonna be better. Ya looks around und ya cain't help but see in dere faces disappointment and anger and despair and an ever gnawin' hunger fer somefin ya ain't, in da end, gonna be able ta provide. Mayhap most dem looks on dere faces all jess up in yer head, and ya doin' dat projectin' fing, yer fears colorin' all dat shit ya eyes restin' on. But some dem looks real, ja? Some dem peeps fuckin' hatin' youse, mes, right now. Dey world been flipflopped one too many times a'eady fer me ta go und do it again acause I fink dey should be believin' da same fings I am.

Dat's da truly scary part. Dese peeps ain't me. What dese Dusters really want? What motivatered dem ta take up torches und follow Old Goggs outta dem cities mitout even a promised land in dere future? Why'd I take up dis here 'sponsibility? Who am I? Who am I ta fink I can build a world what will work for ever dusted individual? Dat's why I'm scared. I'm fucking terrorfied dat I ain't gonna deliver und all dese Dusters jess gonna be worse off den dey was livin' in dem richies' world.

Grant was pobably right. Shoulda never lef' Buzztown. But fuckity youth, ya know? Fuckin' passion of youth. Like firin' a scattergun, ya know? Ya jess want stuff so badly, ya want justice so much, ya want...well, ya want ever duster ta feel free and unshackled und unburdened by dis society dat fink it onny gone run correct-like if ever duster under control ravver den jess trustin' us all. Jess a little trust. So ya run out und ya fire dat scattergun willy-nilly. And ya sometimes hurt dem whats deserves it und ya takes em down a peg and fings change fer da better. But sometimes, ya catch innocents and friends in dat scatter-spray, sees? It ain't till later...when passion still mayhap be dere strong y urgent but ya gain some new perspectives, und ya learn to laser focus dat passion ta take out jess da right cancers. Well, Old Goggs lef' Buzztown mit tons of dat youthful passion but she's learnin'--fear be teachin' her hard--dat mayhap she been doin' some dat helter-skelter trigger pullin'. Grant was pobably right. Shoulda never lef' Buzztown. Be sittin' in da shade, lookin' out on Trips Lake, naked y carefree, gittin' high as a fuckity cloud. Jess let da res' a dem Dusty Stretches fades inta memory.

But fuck. No matters how much Goggles lovered dat fuckity Grant und dat fuckity farm and dat fuckity lake and dat fuckity shady grove mit da full moon orgies...Goggles kept seein' Alice B Toklas's face when Wazzerman kicked over Sweetie's cage and put a bullet in dat poor fuckity parrot. And Goggles seein' Alice, afore dat, how she used ta put her eye up ta dat hole in Sweetie's sheet, what covered her cage while she slept, und Alice, gigglin' like a maniac, sayin', "Sweeeeeeeeetie! Sweeeeeeeeetie! The eye has come for you! THE EYE HAS COME!" Und sometimes, Sweetie, woked up und startled, would say, "Hello! Hello!" And Alice would fall over on da floor, happier den anyduster in The Dusty Stretches had a right ta be, her happiness infectin' alla us, und makin' us weep joyful tears fer oncet, and thinkin' hopeful thoughts of da future. I would fink on dat sittin' by dat lake mit Grant, my hand on his inner thigh, his cuppin' my ass, and I'd fink, "I, alone, have no right to this peace." I'd think how Shizgiggles were still out in dem Dusty Stretches, makin' it da hard way. Und I knowed I couldna be happy 'less I tried ta git dat dere peace fer alla dem lower voices. Dat way a life too precious ta be kept all secreted y hid. Goggles figger she gonna go out and spread dat message and fix da world.

Sure, she also finkin' she gonna fuck up Shortystuff und his richie friends while she at it. Make dem feel dat same loss Alice felt mit da death of Sweetie, and Goggles felt mit da death of Alice. But now I looks round at all dese Dusters, all dese lower voices, and fear grips every inch of me because...well, because dere's jess too many of 'em. So Goddessdamned many of 'em. Goggles almays knew Buzztown gonna be too small. But she figgered, some dusty place gotta be big nuff, rights? But fuck. So many. Und dese jess da few dusters gatherem up from two cities. And onny a tiny, minischool fraction of dem evens!

So yeps. Here I am. Scared ta finish this shit I started. Because ain't no way Goggles gonna truly be capable makin' any duster happy 'cept herself. Fuck you, Grant. You selfish prick. How'd you knowed it? Goggles shouldna lost dat selfishness she guarded so carefully back in da Formertimes. Fuckin' mistake leavin' Buzztown but, well, dat be in da past. No use cryin' over guilty milk.

Distractions all we got lef' here in The Dusty Stretches. Goggles claimered time and dust again dat she stranglin' wisdom outta dese here fun fun littyrapture books like dis Wonders Woman she got sittin' on her lap waitin' ta be read. But is dere really anyfing ta knowed come outta dese here? Or dey jess reminders of somefin else und distractions from everfing? Dey merely papers mit words y images dat Goggles projects her own life onta, feels? But...well...I fink, mayhap, dere be somefin important ta dat, sees? Connection, mayhap? Like dem horoscopes, kinda, sees it? Sayin' its own fuckity fing und being read by lotsa lotsa different dusters, all gettin' somefin from da littyrapture but none a dem gittin' da same fing. But all still feelin' better fer havin' reads it, feels? And since Goggles is currently scared ta shit, she gonna read a story bout dis here stronges', braves' woman dat ever been thunked up. She gonna project herselfs onta Wonders Woman fer a bit, mayhap feel better, ja?

Aha. One woman 'gainst legions. Goggles ain't gonna have ta project too far on dis one.

'Parently dese here fulla stars demons ain't heard dat Wonders Woman can onny be corpsed by a relation, feels? Dat cause she one of dem Olympic gods or somefin. Unless she can be kilt since she's half-human. Or be she all clay? Old Goggles cain't memember. She pobably bein' hunted down by Granny Goodness or some ovver jerk from Apokolips, ja? Or mayhap she gotten on da wrong side of Hera 'gain.

Sure, dey cans corpse it. But onny if dey piss off a relative.

As da God a War, Diana been tryin' ta make everlastin' peace on earf. But some broad named Nemesis ain't like dat idea much, sees? Gots an idea dat bein' Nemesis, she ain't gonna haff much of a life if'n war were ta end. Hell, war be pretty much ended here in The Dusty Stretches but ain't no shortage of one kind hatin' on anuvver kind. Dusters always gonna find plenty reason to corpse da next duster comes along. Dat fear of da ovver, dat a fear ain't never gonna be got rid of, feels me? Fear of da unknown almays gonna git a duster's insides twisted. Und what be more unknown den da mind of da nex' guy, sees? Dat nex' duster gonna take my shit? Gonna take my home? Gonna take my life? Cain't know, not fer certains. Onny way ta be sure und safe be ta corpse everone afore dey corpse you.

Now, now. Goggs donna feel dat way, no madams. Dat Resurrectionist talks, sees? Dat fear in da belly talks. Dat da need ta control ever little bit a your world so ya donna corpse from anyfing but elder age, ja? Old Goggs, as well as dis here Wonders Woman, we finking dat mayhap trust be a better way den control. Trust dat dat ovver also donna wanna be corpsed by some ovver ovver. Trust, confidence, bravery, und projection be da new way. If'n ya ain't scared of everting, ya ain't gonna project dat fear onto dem uvvers und fink dey gonna corpse you outta fear, sees? If ya fink ever duster be alike, und ya fink of yerselfs as brave y compassionate, ya gonna fink dat dere nex' guy fink da same ways, sees? Sure, sure. Ya gonna meet da little ratfink bassard like Shortystuff or Wazzerman ever now y again. And den ya gonna need ta do some corpsing. But trust be better den genocide, rights?

Some ya pobably still finking, "But Goggles, if I trust everybody, one day I'm going to get stabbed in the back for it. What then?" Well, what den? Den ya fuckity die, don't ya? And if ya corpsed, ya donna care one way ta other, ja? But if'n ya still finking 'bout bein' stabbed in da back, ya still fearin' da ovver und ya still part dem Formertimes, sees? Enough mit da tryin' stop up ever single avenue dat old death might come traipsin' downs. He gonna break inta yer place sometimes und ya jess gonna have ta live mit never knowin' when dat gonna happen. Be better livin' mit love y hope den hatred y fear, feels me?

Sees it? Goggles und Wonders Woman same same duster, practically!

Wonders Woman speakers mit sum dem dead dusters she gots fightin' fer her. She gotsta knowem why dey does it. Und dey answer dat it's acause dey wants dem dusters still livin' ta git a fair shakes at it acause life be all of it. Ain't nuffin' else but life, sees? Hopes. Chances. Possibilities. Dat's it. Dat's all dere is. Dis here. Dis is it. Who wants dis, da onny bit of anyfing dat matters, ever...who wants dis ta be constant misery und ill fortunes? S'pose if'n ya got no choice but ta be corpsed or ta be miserable, Old Goggs gonna take miserable und make da best of it. But dat ain't da onny choice, is it? Dusters fight battles not acause dey would ravver die den be slavered. Na. Dey fight acause dey believe dey gonna win dere freedom und keep on livin' betters, sees it? No matters how hopeless, dusters fight cause dey gots slivers of hope. Dem dat donna fight? Dem da ones a'eady corpsed it, or might swell be, anydust.

Wonders Woman realizes she be da Goddess of War und mayhap it be time ta put on da helmet und kick some asses, sees? She suits up und dats when Superman, who also now be fulla dem stars, meaning he pobably on Nemesis side, come upon Wonders Woman ta have a chat. Und den dis littyrapture book gonna be continued in dat Superman/Wonder Woman Futures End book. I pobably gots dat in da trunk somewheres or somefin, so Old Goggs be readin' dat one nex' time. Gotta long ride up norf, so Goggs gonna nap some fer now.

Goddess be mit ya, or whateverem, rights?

Supergirl #34

I hope this chapter isn't called Assimilation.

All of the Kryptonite has been removed from the atmosphere, so that green stuff must be Kara's super farts. That's why she's holding her stomach and her eyes are watering and her cape is flapping in the breeze.

I wonder when I last made a fart joke? Maybe I should have a counter on my home page that I'd have to reset now.

000 Days Since Last Fart Joke

Okay, enough about farts! This blog isn't being written by your best friend's father!

This issue doesn't begin with a crappy article by Lois Lane nor does it have a title page! I don't think it's actually a part of the Doomed story arc at all! Could it be DC is just using this opportunity to try to increase sales of Supergirl?! Shocking!

Is this kid shocked by her perfect ass or her thigh bones that are longer than her entire torso and head combined!

This kid's dog is named Scout. Recently, I saw some flyers for a lost dog up in my neighborhood for a dog named Scout. Either you named your dog poorly or your dog is still out on reconnaissance. Give him a chance!

Kara's new friend Michael recounts the plot of the previous Doomed books. He's not as clever as I am though! Although he's a lot more succinct. And he stays on point. And he actually says what happened instead of forgetting to mention all the other important bits so he can rage about some minor annoyance. He's so boring!

"Also, this fallout shelter cannot be opened for five years once the lock is thrown. So, um, how you doin'?"

How did Michael get Supergirl down into the basement? Do Kryptonians under a Yellow Sun weigh an incredible amount or are they light as a feather? Since bullets can't penetrate their skin, I'm going to jump to the conclusion that they're super dense! And if Superman walked around without using his flying to counteract his weight, he'd crash through the floor of any building he enters. Except for Lexcorp buildings because Lex plans for everything.

Michael continues to be really boring, blabbing on and on about why he's an atheist and how cute he thinks Supergirl is. What a loser! Don't let his trite charms fool you, Supergirl! He's not good enough for you! Nobody's good enough for you! I mean, one person is good enough for you!

Who do I talk to regarding getting myself made into a character in the New 52 Supergirl comic book so Supergirl can fall in love with me? I'm exactly who she needs! A mean-spirited blogger that tears down everything and creates nothing! Not that it's true that I create nothing but I thought I'd say that since I'm sure most of the assholes I do critique tell themselves that so they don't cry hysterically every time I point out how badly they don't deserve the paycheck DC is giving them.

Since Michael is such a boring piece of crap, he tries a new tactic to get Supergirl interested in him. He plays the pity card! Apparently his parents were in Metropolis when Lois Lane put everyone into comas and caused massive casualties which she'll probably never answer for. The perfect crime! She can even make money writing her own sensationalist headlines! "I WAS THE BRIDE OF A COSMIC COLLECTOR!" Anyway, Supergirl promises Michael that she will head to Metropolis and find his parents. And that he shouldn't worry because she doesn't plan to actually become part of the Doomed story arc at all even though the cover tells a different story. A big lying story!

By the way, Supergirl looks really cute this issue. Did you hear that, Supergirl?! You look super adorable! Dammit! Why did I say that? That sounded so cheesy!

Oh enough with Michael! Yippee! He lost the use of his legs and it didn't turn him into a whining, useless, depressed asshole! Big Kudos for Michael for getting on with life after he caused the wreck himself because he was texting and driving! Probably. I'm sure that's what happened because I hate fucking Michael! Get away from my Supergirl!

As Supergirl searches a tiny portion of the disaster area outside of the coma zone, she finds a black couple and assumes they're Michael's parents. I mean, they are. But what an assumption, right?! I mean, they did mention they had a son named Michael just as she found them. But still! Totally racist!

Oh, I can't say that about my darling Supergirl! I'm just clinging to any hope that she won't like Michael even if that hope means she hates Michael for horribly racist reasons! I'm such a dick! But my heart is breaking over here!

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Supergirl #34 Rating: -20 Ranking. Fuck DC! Fuck Tony Bedard! This was the worst fucking comic book I've ever fucking read in my life! I hate you all! Go to hell! Go to fucking hell!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Sh-sh-sh-she looked l-l-l-like a st-st-st-upid fucking fr-fr-fr-frog when she k-k-k-kissed Mike-hole anyway. Huh. Huh. Huh. OH GOD! Noooooooo! SUPERGIRL!