Young Romance #1

Some of the other love stories I want to see: Guy Gardner and Ice, Starfire and Dick Grayson, Midnighter and Apollo, Kate Kane and Renee Montoya, Etrigan and Madame Xanadu, Nightwing and a redhead, Bloody Mary and Andrew Bennett, Alan Scott and Sam, Barry Allen and Iris West, Batgirl and her Batbuzzer, Buddy Baker and Ellen Baker, Swamp Thing and Abby Arcane, Deadman and Dove, Arthur and Mera, Jonah Hex and Tallulah Black, Jaime Reyes and Brenda, Paco and Brenda, Brenda and Brenda, and Brenda and anybody else. The one "love" story I don't give a shit about: The Joker and Harley Quinn.

How dare you, DC?! How dare you ask me to pay $7.99 for a comic book and then have the nerve to tell me that inside are "free" collectible Valentine's Day Cards! Unless I'm interpreting this whole cover wrong? If the cards are free, does that mean I could have just ripped them out of the book in the comic book store and walked with them? Because they're certainly not free when you're charging two full dollars over the price of an annual. I spent so much on this book it's going to have to double for my breakfast.

The first page lets the reader know what love stories are going to be told and what creative team is telling them. I guess that's convenient for people not sure if they wanted to spend the money on this book or not. It's not the smartest idea for DC though because I would have opened the cover, looked at the first story, and put the fucking book right back on the fucking shelf.

What is Ann Nocenti going to tell me that I can't already find on the Wikipedia page for love?

I didn't add Batman and Catwoman to the love stories I wanted to see because Judd Winick and Guillem March took care of that back in Catwoman #1. Blew the whole fucking load on that love story. Unless this story has anal in it, what more can they show between those two? In the second story, it looks like Aquaman and Mera discover a new sex position called "The Lighthouse." And the third story looks like I'm going to get my dream match-up of Batgirl and her Batbuzzer!

I don't know who Ursa Minor is but I'm sure she's a redhead. Or a murderer.

I'm glad to see Apollo and Midnighter having their date realized by Peter Milligan and Simon Bisley. I think this is Bisley's first non-cover work he's done in The New 52. I wonder how many penises he's hidden in the artwork?

Story #1 featuring Batman and Catwoman
Think it Through

The first page of the story is simply Catwoman sitting on a roof soaking wet. I can only imagine she was singing and an old man nearby threw a shoe at her and sprayed her with a hose. Catwoman is reminiscing about the Valentine's Day that she met Batman. The second page doesn't disappoint at all. It's a pure Ann Nocenti hit straight in the veins and leaving me light-headed and slightly nauseated. Selina is drooling over some boots in a shop window when a security guard decides the store he works for has had enough business for one day.

This guard must have great instincts because Selina doesn't look like some downtown pauper to me. Perhaps the people from downtown are merely ritzy while the people uptown are super ritzy-ditzy. Or the guard just wanted to cop a feel as he shoved her away from the window.

Later, Catwoman in her outfit made from the awning she fell through and her pal Billy who must have fallen onto and killed a hobo to get his costume are busy stealing from repossessed items from other poor people. Gotham must not yet have been full of crazy criminals because Batman has time to stop this minor burglary.

Bonus points to Ann Nocenti for getting the phrase "huge spunk" into the Valentine's Day Special! Nice job! Minus points for having Batman say it! I just feel kind of icky now.

This story is so romantic already! Full of thieving and class struggles and minor physical skirmishes! It really fits the tone of the Young Romance title! Perhaps after Catwoman and Batman punch and kick each other, they'll kiss.

Oh wait! I sarcastically spoke too soon! It's beginning to get super romantic now!

"He's a total pedophile. But he's fucking hot." "He's a flaming cannibal but I'd fuck the mostly human flesh shit out of him." "What a total genocidal maniac. But he's so damn cute!" "*sigh* He's totally responsible and the perfect guy for me! Too bad he's fat and ugly!"

This is the exact same way Scott Lobdell was trying to cultivate the relationship between Wonder Girl and Superboy. Wonder Girl would tell Superboy, "You're a jerk who tried to kill me!" while thinking, "That ass! MMM DAMN!" I'm not arguing that chemistry and looks aren't important to a relationship forming. But if they're so important that you can overlook "She's trying to kill me!" or that he's currently trying to kick you in the tits, your priorities might be a slight bit askew.

After Batman stops her, he realizes he wants to bang her but he can't do it while she's a low life thief. So he tells her a really sad story about what he thinks is important to a poor family in the hopes Catwoman will become a better thief. Wait. What?

Yeah. God forbid you take away the one object that is keeping the family from truly interacting with each other! The horror!

Story #2 featuring Aquaman and Mera
The Lighthouse

By the way "The Lighthouse" begins, it seems Mera and Aquaman are just the instruments to deliver the epistolary romance.

Felicity Arkham? Does that mean this love story will end in SOMEBODY LOSING THEIR MIND?!

Damn! Her last name is Merkham. But I still suspect the story will end in somebody committing suicide! So romantic!

Felicity Merkham is the daughter of the Lighthouse Keeper. It's the usual story. A father has a daughter. Sailors find his daughter sexually attractive. Father loses his cool. Daughter falls in love with sailor. Sailor's true love is the sea. Father writes a song about it but changes his daughter's name to "Brandy" to protect her privacy.

Really? Then why isn't he on land with you?

One night, the Lighthouse went out and Felicity's love's ship went down. She spent the rest of her life and afterlife waiting for him to return home. Arthur tells Mera the last time Felicity's lover, Samuel, was seen was clinging to The Autumn Daughter's masthead. So during a storm when Arthur's lighthouse goes out, Aquaman saves the ships from crashing while Mera goes searching for sunken treasure. Also, she helps calm the seas, I guess. But that's not important to the story about love! What's important is bringing home Samuel's ghost so Felicity's ghost can get laid.

I think this last panel is supposed to make you feel happy and romantic but my mind just keeps returning to the lighthouse in the background and thinking, "BOOOOIIIING!"

Story #3 featuring Batgirl and Ricky the One-Legged Car Thief
Dreamer

Ricky has a major thing for Batgirl because she once kissed him in the line of duty. Now he can't get her out of his head and he keeps hoping she'll drop out of the sky so they can run off together. It's not like he knows anything about her but that doesn't fucking matter. She's sexy and she kissed him and now he can't stop fantasizing about how much more it could be. He's suffering from the true love of unrequited love of a person you don't really know. It's really the only kind of true love there is. The only way Batgirl is going to cure Ricky of his delusion is to date him and have the relationship turn sour or boring or go horribly wrong. Otherwise he's just going to imagine the best possible Batgirl he can. But Batgirl doesn't have time to teach him that lesson! Besides, she's in the same kind of love with Dick Grayson! But she does decide to throw Ricky a bone anyway.

And by the placement of that leg, I'd say the bone has been thrown.

The title of this story could be Dreamer because Ricky has been dreaming about Batgirl but I have a feeling this is just Batgirl's dream while on a date with the Batbuzzer. She has hardly ever kissed anyone and now she's the one that can't get Ricky out of her head. Well, less Ricky and more the intimate contact with a man. He's just a penis with a loser car thief attached to it.

But it's not a dream. Ricky proposes she ask him out sometime when she's not Batgirl and she tells him to "dream on" and then rushes home to write the whole encounter down in her diary.

The Valentine's Day cards are next but I think I'll save those for a separate entry. So on to the next story!

Story #4 featuring Apollo and Midnighter
Seoul Brothers

Hopefully this story will actually be romantic! Dinner. Conversation. Flowers. A walk in the park. Anal sex. Except the order of those things will probably be different and Midnighter will kill somebody somewhere in there as well.

I know it doesn't do it for everybody but I love me some Bisley style comic art.

I don't know how romantic this story is going to be with Apollo having to hunt down Midnighter halfway across the world just to go on a date. Maybe Apollo will round the next corner and find Midnigter blowing Judge Dredd. While Apollo searches the bars, Midnighter is elsewhere killing terrorists.

What kind of love story is this? It had better end in a kiss just like the others! Okay, Batman and Catwoman didn't kiss. But he did tell her that romantic story about the family that couldn't stand spending time together.

It wouldn't be a Simon Bisley drawn love story without somebody's eyes popping out of their head and that happens on the next page. Then Apollo blasts the last guy and it's either time for a kiss or time for a fight. It could go either way. Midnighter might be thankful for or resentful of Apollo's help.

Well fuck you! Can't you just let these two find some happiness in-between the horrible shit they do?

And that's that. I was actually hoping for one of the stories to be some kind of break-up. Their relationship has been rocky here in The New 52 as they try to figure out what they mean to each other. So far they're just kind of like the only two gay guys in a midwestern high school class and everyone simply expects them to get together. Eventually I hope they figure it out because even though Midnighter is a psychopathic killer, he sure is sexy!

I believe this is the only picture of Apollo and Midnighter kissing in The New 52 and it's just a fantasy picture.

Story #5 featuring Nightwing and Ursa Minor
Another Saturday Night

Nightwing finds himself breaking up with another girlfriend over the phone because Batman never taught him how to be a proper playboy. You only date women that are so busy that they often blow off dates with you as well. You only date women who aren't as interested in you as they are in your social standing and money. You only date shallow or narcissistic or stupid women because you can't risk them figuring out your secret identity (okay, Batman is screwing that one up over in The Dark Knight. I guess you can't stick to your rules all of the time). Or you only date women who go out at night fighting crime in cute little teddy bear backpacks and adorable polar bear hoodies.

Well she's not a redhead. So she must be a murderer.

Nightwing ends up spending the night on a snowy roof eating Chinese take-out with Ursa Minor after they help save some guy named Mr. Reese. She calls herself a protection specialist. I call her super cute.

The only problem? If she's Ursa Minor, who the fuck is Ursa Major and how hard is he going to hit Dick in the face?

The next night, Dick Grayson sits all by himself with his pizza getting cold. The end! Except you know she'll be back soon. Is she brand new to this comic because I've never seen her before.

Story #6 featuring Superman and Wonder Woman
Truth or Dare

The story begins with Clark and Diana having a romantic dinner. Clark mentions how Diana has never said much about her family and that he doesn't feel like he knows that much about her. You want to know about her family? Pick up a book on mythology, lazy. I guess they're going to have to get to know each other with a game of Truth or Dare, right?

Or maybe they'll just end up fighting a couple of harpies.

They're the Mantics from Rome! Get it?! FROM ROME!

The Harpies turn out to be Sirens. They since a little song about Superman going back to Krypton (ugh!) and Wonder Woman getting caught up in the fight against the First Born. You know, things going on in their own titles. And then Eros shows up with his Golden Guns and demands Wonder Woman's Lasso and Bracers be given him for the coming war. Some things go wrong and some things go right and Superman and Wonder Woman go on with their relationship that, according to Booster Gold from the future (no, the other Booster Gold from the other future!), will end the world! Or something. I forget.

Young Romance #1 Rating: Not a lot of fucking romance in this story, was there? Superman backhands Wonder Woman. Batman lectures Catwoman. Midnighter and Apollo break up. Nightwing gets stood up. Some old lovers die and are reunited after death when it doesn't fucking matter anymore. And Batgirl teases a one legged man. I suppose if you wanted romance, this is a bad rating. But if you hate romance, this might be the comic book for you!

Batwing #17

"Arrr! Prepare your bung to be keelhauled, ya flying landlubber!"

Did Batwing get a new suit? He doesn't look quite as fat in it as he usually does. And Ambush Bug reported that there was going to be a new Batwing or something. I thought maybe he meant the person but he might have meant the suit. David really has been needing a sleeker design. His Batwing Armor looked like it was designed in the mid-fifties Soviet Union but with less concrete.

The issue begins with Sky Pirate immediately blowing Batwing out of the air with a gun that makes a SHYEEETUMM noise. Shy Eat 'em? That's the worst weapon firing comic book sound effect I've ever read. I'm surprised DC didn't trademark the representational sound effect. Not that anybody else would ever use it for any reason whatsoever. I might make a guy having a difficult time passing a bowel movement yell that. But I can't think of a reason I'd use that for a sound effect. But then again, I'm not very imaginative. Vindictive and brusque? Sure. Imaginative? I got nothing.

Batwing's wings are disabled by the Sky Pirate's attack which leaves him as neither a bat nor a wing. Is he simply David in Armor now? David lands inside a skyscraper and commands his butler, Matu, to load up the schematics of the building so that David can find the stairs down. But Sky Pirate is right on his ass.

DC is getting their fucking money's worth out of that sound effect! Times used in five pages: 26!

Sky Pirate wants to kill Batwing to collect on the bounty offered by Philip Marksbury, the rich fucker whose son was convicted of murdering women. Normally his son would have been free to murder all the women he wanted because Philip Marksbury was just paying off the cops and the judges and the elected officials. But David Zavimbe (Batwing!) put an end to that. Now all the police hate David for drying up the bribe money. And all the super villains hate Batwing simply because there is a lot of money to be made in doing so.

In other words, Fabian Nicieza took one issue to turn this comic book into Lazy Writing Central. I'm not counting Issue #15 since Fabian was just shitting out Narration Boxes to finish up Judd Winick's Father Loost story. That wasn't a typo. It was a joke for myself. But then in Issue #16, Fabian fooled me into thinking he was writing a pretty good story. David was dealing with corruption and trying to figure out how to balance using Batwing to help stop it. Of course he didn't stop it but he did get Marksbury's son put in jail. And that's what Fabian wanted! Now a man with bottomless wealth has a vendetta against Batwing. How many issues in a row will Batwing simply be attacked by people wanting money? It involves no plot at all. No time needs to be spent writing a believable story around super heroes punching each other in the throat. He can just begin each comic with a new villain attempting to kill David. I might be jumping the gun a bit because maybe this will be the only issue of this. But I've seen it done lazily in Hawkman and Deathstroke and Grifter and Superboy and Ravagers. Maybe others. And maybe I'm remembering some of my examples wrong and what I just said happened never happened in them. Well, fuck them. Maybe next time they won't be so all around shitty that I just add their name to the list of any problem with a comic book's writing.

Fabian also decides to throw in a lazy twist! Dawn, the woman that could make swords out of thin air that I believed was killed by Father Loost but was actually just slightly stabbed, is working for Philip Marksbury! What?! She's not a good guy at all? I guess she was just serving her own self-interests before and now that she's healed, she's back to work as a corrupt thug for Philip Marksbury. Her job is to break Ancil Marksbury out of jail and take him to a country that won't extradite him for trial back to the Congo. And why not? He's just a woman murderer? Why should Dawn give a fuck as long as she's getting paid, right? Don't worry about her history as an abused child that ended up in an orphanage and learned about fighting for the right causes from Matu and the woman whose name I surprisingly can't remember! Fuck characterization when you can shock the reader with a big flip flop twist like this!

Meanwhile, David Zavimbe is having problems at work.

And he's not dealing with them very well.

The Sky Pirate's plane is called The Flying Dutchman. Not very original. I would have named it The Pirate of the Sky. Aboard this flying technological wonder that Fabrizio Fiorentino has yet to draw for me, The Sky Pirate has labs and scientists and super gadgets. They analyze the wing they took from Batwing and are able to link it to Matu. Sky Pirate feels a message needs to be made, so he readies a Matu-sized refrigerator. Nicieza is planning on making Batwing feel something the only way a lazy writer knows how!

Oh! There's The Flying Dutchman! Where the hell do you park something that big?

While Matu is being either kidnapped or killed, David has been allowed to leave desk duty so he can be shot in the back by another police officer while trying to stop a riot at building where Ancil Marksbury is being kept. David manages to not be killed by the police trying to kill him and catches up to the person liberating Ancil Marksbury. I know I've already mentioned the identity of the person but it's still supposed to be a big twist. I guess.

Oh shit! It's Dawn! And she's a mercenary now!

Well fuck me in the eye socket. That explains everything! Now I could be wrong but I didn't get the feeling she was a mercenary in the previous book. She seemed to be a hero just doing what was right as she knelt by and reported back to the grave of Rene (that was her name!), Matu's co-founder of the School for Wayward Youths That Ended Up in Military Death Squads. But earlier in this comic book, Matu says, "I preferred it when you fought simple mercenaries, like your old friend Rachel." So I guess that sets up that she was a mercenary. Matu's statement sounds like she and Batwing fought but I think he's just using her as an example of a "simple mercenary" and not an example of someone Batwing fought.

But forget all that mercenary bullshit! Last time David left Rachel, she was in the hospital and they were happy to have stopped Father Loost. But in the space of a week or two, she's now out of the hospital and she's thrown away all of her ethics. That must have been some epiphany in the hospital to realize that there are no angels when she JUST FUCKING WORKED WITH ONE NAMED BATWING! God damn it! I haven't been this angry about a comic book's ending since the last panel of Batgirl #1 when Officer McKenna turned her gun on Batgirl instead of The Mirror because Batgirl couldn't stop The Mirror from murdering the hospital patient!

Okay. That last sentence was actually a lie as I'm sure you all know since in between the time I read Batgirl #1 and Batwing #17, I've read a bunch of comic books by J.T. Krul, Scott Lobdell, Tom DeFalco, Duane Swierczynski, and Ann Nocenti. So yeah. I've been plenty angry since then!

Batwing #17 Rating: -1 Ranking. The main thing I hate about new writers taking over titles is their flagrant disregard for the history of the comic book. And the editors aren't any better. I guess as long as the writer makes sure Batwing doesn't act like he never met Superman if he in fact has met him or that Batwing's past doesn't get rewritten (and even that isn't a hard rule in comics!), it doesn't fucking matter if the writer changes a character completely. As long as the surface stuff is still the same, nobody fucking worry about it! I guess they don't think the readers of super hero comics are sophisticated enough readers to understand character motivation and themes and foreshadowing and linear plots that fucking make sense. All we can understand is awesome costumes and punching!

The Weasel (as seen in Batman and Robin Annual #1)!

Part 14 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: John Monroe
Occupation: University Teacher
Marital Status: Unknown
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania [Now Blackgate Prison!]
First Appearance: FURY OF FIRESTORM #38
Height: 5'8 1/2" [That one-half inch is a very important inch.] Weight: 170 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Brown

HISTORY
"John Monroe was a student at Standford University over twenty years ago, where he had little social contact with his fellow students, who, if they noticed him at all, referred to the unlikable Monroe by such names as 'weasel.' [What the fuck is that about? He keeps to himself and they begin calling him names? Fucking cowards was what those other students were. Did they ever try to get to know him? Fucking society is full of assholes. As soon as two people get together, they become oppressive jerks! Or as soon as one person begins a blog where he makes fun of Scott Lobdell's writing day in and day out. Sometimes oppressive jerks are born that way as well!]

Monroe's embitterment over this treatment led to his becoming a murderer decades later [Whoa whoa whoa! For fuck's sake, those students might have been assholes but that sentence seems to jump to a bit of a conclusion, doesn't it? Perchance something happened across those twenty years that might have been the reason? Or was poor fucking John Monroe just stewing in his own hatred for the assholes that wouldn't just let him be until he couldn't take it anymore, grabbed the rifle, and headed up into the bell tower? Um. I don't know how he did his murdering. That was just an example.]. He was then teaching at Vandemeer University in Pittsburgh, where several of his fellow Stanford students also had positions [Did Standford have some kind of program to set up graduates at Vandemeer? Are Vandemeer and Stanford sister schools?! I've been in the Stanford library before. I think I was called a weasel. But two decades isn't quite up yet, so I have yet to become a murderer.]: Arnold Lintel, head of Vandemeer's engineering department; Linda Walters, an instructor in music; and physics professor Peter Banks. To rationalize killing these three, Monroe convinced himself that they represented threats to his getting tenure at Vandemeeer [Okay. Now that the first sentence has been explained, it makes more sense. And tenure is definitely worth murdering for.]. Monroe devised the costumed identity of the Weasel and brutally murdered Lintel, Walters, and Banks, as well as Vandemeer night watchman Chuck Gherkin [Uncalled for!].

Soon afterwards, Dr. Martin Stein--the physicist who is part of the composite being called Firestorm (see Firestorm)--arrived at Vandemeer to fill a position of professor in the physics department. The Weasel twice tried to kill Stein, until Firestorm finally defeated and unmasked the Weasel [Isn't that a bit of overkill? Firestorm versus an ordinary man in a furry costume?]. The Weasel's current fate is unknown [He's busy biting through gas lines in Gotham!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Weasal has no super-powers but is highly agile and is a fierce and formidable hand-to-hand combatant [Yes, just the kind of villain to challenge Firestorm. Was the issue where Firestorm defeated The Weasel one page long?].

Worlds' Finest #9

Power Girl's costume design looks like a wardrobe malfunction.

Last issue didn't concern me so I'm going to just dive right into this one.

The issue is called "Raid" and it begins with some men in black armor raiding Starr Island. For my family members who only read this blog to see what's going on with my life because I never pick up the Goddamned Batman phone to call once in a while, that's the name of Power Girl's Fortress of Solitude. The Fortress of Solitude is where Superman lives! Power Girl is the cousin of Superman. But not the Christopher Reeves Superman you'd be familiar with! This is the Superman from Earth 2. Yes, there are multiple Earths, mom. I don't know why! Ask Stephen Hawking! No wait! I do know why! Because somewhere amidst all of their silly and crazy tales of alternate realities and alternate dimensions, DC decided to get all meta on everybody. They began doing shit like making The Silver Age Flash read comic books about the Golden Age Flash and then the Silver Age Flash eventually vibrated his nether regions in just the right way to shift realities so that he could discover the Golden Age Flash was real and not just a figment of the fictional comic book writer's imagination! And so Earth 2 was born! Pretty soon writers were coming up with all sorts of crazy Earths! Like Earth-C where everyone was a sexy anthropomorphic fox woman! And Earth-S where all the super heroes were related to each other somehow! And Earth...what? No, the characters in The New 52 are from Earth 0. I don't know why! I don't know what number "our Earth" is! Anyway, MOM, Power Girl is Karen Starr and her island is being overrun by probably bad men.

Luckily The Huntress is currently recovering from her injuries sustained in that last issue that didn't concern me.

The Huntress is the daughter of...um, she's just now being introduced! This is her first time I've ever seen her. Yeah, she's cute, mom. Adorable. Yes she's probably a fundamentalist Christian with that cross on her outfit. Her secret power is to go about pointing out the people that are going to burn in Hell and believing terrorist attacks should be blamed on homosexuality. She should probably be called The Cuntress, amirite? Sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass every generation of our family by using that kind of language. I'm sure I did learn it from dad's side of the family.

Even with her arm in a cast, The Huntress heads off to stop the horrible (probably Atheist) men. Power Girl helped solve The Huntress's problems last issue so it's time to return the favor. She engages the squad of five bad gun wielding bad guys with just her one good arm and a brick. Yes, I know she'd probably get shot in the face and die in real life. But you need to have a pretty healthy suspension of disbelief for comic books. I'm sure you did once own a copy of the first appearance of Superman. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure dad did sell it for narcotics and booze. That story totally makes sense, mom. Can I continue?

Turns out these trespassing, breaking-and-entering heathens are coworkers of Hakkou, the Japanese Radiation Eating Monster Man. I'm not going to keep explaining who these people are, mom! Look, if you stop interrupting, I promise I'll call you when I'm done reading this comic, okay? Sheesh.

Let me just put this wig and dress away and move the corpse and the rocking chair into the other room and maybe the old biddy will stop bothering me.

Great! Now where was I? Oh yeah! Power Girl's Alfred means for Hakkou's friends to leave. Big surprise I can't remember her name, hunh?

Wonder Woman has a line of slippers? Or are these cheap knock-offs?

Power Girl's Alfred shoots one the thieves in the face which doesn't go over so well. I'm actually pretty impressed that she pulled the trigger. Usually in these situations, both parties just stand there talking tough while pointing their guns at each other because nobody really wants to take a bullet to the brain, so everybody is extra careful. But this fierce bitch just pops one in the head of the woman that decided opening her big fucking mouth was an acceptable alternative to leaving. I like Power Girl's assistant! I guess it's time to learn her name.

The Huntress catches the part of the conversation where the now bleeding woman called her and her cohorts "repo men". Hopefully she's not going to judge Power Girl for stealing other people's technology when The Huntress had no problem stealing Batman's money. She might feel her theft was justified because she's kind of related to Batman and Power Girl's theft was unjustified because the consequences keep almost getting them all killed.

The Huntress kills time remembering how she got her uniform and how she helped Karen become the island owning corporate giant she has become. She also shoots at the bad guys to keep them busy until Power Girl answers her page from her assistant. Really? Power Girl still uses a pager? I thought only the Batfamily still used those. Unless people still sometimes refer to texts as pages? How would I know! I don't own a phone. It's an easy excuse to not have to stay in touch with that stupid family I mentioned earlier that I hope stopped reading after I stopped explaining stuff!

Power Girl's return to save the day doesn't exactly go as planned though.

I guess it's time for The Huntress's crossbow to save the day again because the super power Kryptonian failed. Again.

Except The Huntress doesn't have her crossbow so she just has to rely on the weaker and less elegant gun. She shoots the bad guy's blaster rifle in just the right spot and it blows up. The other bad guys flee while Power Girl interrogates the man who shot her. Why the fuck are they trespassing? What do they want? Why did that gun hurt so much!?

Oh, don't judge, you hypocritical sneak thief!

Worlds' Finest #9 Rating: No change. The best part of this comic book is the relationship between The Huntress and Power Girl and that was in short supply this time. Some good stuff with the flashback that I mostly skipped but not much else. Nothing fantastic this month but still a good read and one of the better comics of The New 52.

And speaking of The New 52, DC's Channel 52 debuts this week as a two page comic in the back of every issue. It's really just a dumping ground for what's happening around the New DCU and I'm sure it's going to constantly be full of spoilers. But whatever. It's got Ambush Bug!

I hope this doesn't mean he's permanently on some kind of leave from the real New 52 universe.

I was hoping the main reporter would be Jonni DC but it turns out she's Brother Blood shill, Bethany Snow. The other reporters are Calendar Man (whose Case File I just unlocked yesterday while playing Arkham Asylum!) and Vartox, some old Superman ally. Mostly it's just DC reporting what's going on in their various titles. But at least Ambush Bug looks good! I wonder who did the art?

Batman and Robin Annual #1

Is this actually going to be an annual for the sake of an annual? No crossover? No continuing story?

[Edit after reading: This is one of those annuals that deserves to be purchased. If you've been curious about Batman and Robin but haven't been sure, I highly recommend picking this up instead of reading my horrible synopsis of such a loving portrayal of Bruce, Damian, and Alfred. Peter Tomasi has been treating these characters right.]

I would think DC would have dropped "The New 52" label about a year into the project because it's all they're publishing anyway, right? Even the Earth One books are technically New 52 stuff because they take place on one of the New 52 Earths, right? The only reason I can see for DC keeping "The New 52" label on their books is if they're planning on bringing back the old universe in some format, side by side with The New 52 universe. I have a feeling old universe stories will begin trickling in at some point, perhaps one shots in prestige format. Those books will test the waters to see how many fans are willing to return to DC with the old versions of their heroes. If they're successful, DC will put out a handful of monthly comic books without the New 52 label. Or if they're really ballsy, they'll just make one of the New 52 worlds the old universe and incorporate the old universe into The New 52 titles. They really should try that. Hawkman failed spectacularly? Fuck it! Make Earth 47 the Old Universe. Put out a new Hawkman title based in Earth 47 and just make him old history Hawkman. But DC can still fuck with it enough to not include any stories or history that might cause them legal issues. That's easy enough through exclusion. Just don't mention those things one way or the other and fans can simply assume they're still part of Hawkman's canon.

Although, seriously, I wasn't really thrilled with Old Style Hawkman either.

I'm more interested in a stand alone Batman and Robin story than the old Hawkman, but not by much. Non-crossover annuals (you know? The real kind!) tend to inhabit that weird space where they don't feel like part of the actual title because they're meant to be an introduction to curious readers or to spotlight new talent. But this issue is written by Tomasi who writes the regular issues and the art is by ex-Batgirl artist Ardian Syaf and Turds of Prey inker Vicente Cifuentes. So no new names. Looks like this artist team worked on Red Lanterns #0 and possibly some Batgirl titles together. I didn't do my research that diligently!

But it appears Damian has!

Yay! Bruce Wayne is going to go on a scavenger hunt! Although he's The Goddamned Dark Knight Detective so how fucking hard is a scavenger hunt put together by an eleven year old going to be? Damian's list will probably be things like "Punch a homeless person in the genitals" and "Shoot a Squirrel with a BB Gun" and "Piss on a Beefeater." Man, I hope that's what it'll be like!

And then there are the kind of annuals that are just fun to read. Thank you, Mr. Tomasi! This has already made me laugh!

Meanwhile not in London, Damian has remained in Gotham City to play Batman now that he's gotten rid of the grown ups! Figure that one out, Batdumbdumb! The first crime Tiny Batman goes to investigate is a robbery at a gas station. Some thing chewed off the nozzles and sucked up all of the gas.

Aha! A clue as to how insurance companies survive in Gotham! Looks like they have decent rates until you're a victim of a superhuman crime. And then POWIE! Your monthly rate goes through the fucking ceiling.

Back in London at the hotel Damian set them up in, Bruce and Alfred discover a still life painting by Martha Wayne with little Bruce's hand print on it. Thomas Wayne paid the hotel a large sum of money to leave it hanging in the lobby. Bruce never knew his mother had painted anything and now the hotel was giving this painting to him. Looks like Damian did his research very well. Or he paid off a bunch of people to fake up a bunch of old history! Oh, that was cynical of me. I'm sure Damian wouldn't do that simply to play around as Batman in Gotham City for a few days.

Later that night, Damian Skypes with Batman. I'm pretty sure Damian just blew his whole game though because he stands in front of a green screen so Bruce thinks Damian is at the next location. But even people who aren't anywhere close to being the best detective in the world can tell when someone is standing in front of a green screen! Stupid kid! He probably knows the concept of the green screen but, having probably never watched television in his life, doesn't realize how poorly it actually does what it's supposed to do.

Or maybe not. Perhaps Damian has superior Wayne Tech Green Screen Technology.

It's nice to see Alfred and Bruce just being Alfred and Bruce. Since the Kents are dead in The New 52, I don't know that there's a more intimate, longer standing relationship than the one between these two men. Bruce decides to let Alfred remain in London while he heads to Barcelona for Damian's next surprise. Bruce enjoyed finding the painting but it wasn't a punch to a homeless person's genitals, so I'm hoping for better in Barcelona.

Back in Gotham, Damian is out driving the Batmobile and stopping muggings when the Bat Signal lights up the sky. It doesn't take Gordon long to realize he's talking to Robin which is when Damian takes off to continue his investigation on the gas eater. I think Batman is going to be a little bit annoyed with all the explaining he's going to have to do when he gets back in town. Whatever is in Barcelona had better be worth it.

The reason Bruce is in Barcelona.

Batman's next and final stop is in Greece. Which means Damian has one more night as Batman to solve the mystery gas eater. Which he does. And it mirrors the beginning of the comic book which I didn't describe exactly. When the issue began, Batman caught a kid in a proto-type firebug suit and left him for the cops. Now Damian is busting the kid's dad in the real firebug suit and leaving him for the cops. Meanwhile in Greece, Batman finds a stone etched with the message "Martha, will you marry me? Thomas." And then it's time to meet Damian back at the hotel in London and ground the fuck out of him!

Ha ha! I knew the green screen would be Damian's undoing! Well done, Tomasi!

Batman and Robin Annual #1 Rating: I wasn't too excited about reading another annual but this one was really fun stuff. It was a true comic book's comic book! It's always nice to read a one issue story that simply has fun with the characters. Good stuff.

Red Lanterns #16

This issue was destined to be a Third Army crossover according to early adverts. But now the Manhunters have nowhere to go. Sad face.

The Third Army crossover ended in Green Lantern Corps Annual #1. But it didn't really end. Unless all of the Third Army had descended on Oa and all of the Third Army were killed when the comic book turned white and just ended without any real resolution, then they must still be a threat to the universe. But the Crossover's title has now changed to The First Lantern which means Volthoom is the new threat and the Third Army will probably simply hang around being a nuisance instead of nearly ending all life in the universe. It's kind of typical in comic books for a threat to be overwhelming and unbeatable for a few issues and then the hero gets his second wind, punches the deadly threat in the nose, and the fight is over. So I can accept that the Third Army is defeated. You know. In comic book terms.

But now what is Atrocitus going to do with his Manhunter army? Last issue ended with them attacking him but the cover makes it look like he has them under control and feeding the Red Lantern Battery. So maybe that's their job now. Shall we see?

Forget everything I wrote previously. I guess this is a Third Army Crossover! Stupid cover not claiming it's part of The Third Army crossover and showing the wrong artist to boot!

Atrocitus quickly calms down the Manhunters by killing their leader. Their leader is easily recognizable as the Robot-Man that can say more than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!" If there is another leader in the Manhunter's midst, he's smart enough to not say anything incriminating. Like "Hello" or "How are you?" or "No Woman Escapes the Manhunters!" He just stands around looking stupid like the rest of them.

Meanwhile Rankorr is down on Earth trying to prove he's a real Red Lantern. But he's going about it all wrong. He's still making constructs and he's killing the man that killed his grandfather instead of torturing him for years. And he's also still so hung up on not being there for his grandfather that he's making guilt-inducing constructs to torment himself!

What a dumb dumb!

Stupid humans with their stupid spectrum of emotions. Don't they know that once they become a specific Lantern, they're supposed to leave all of those other emotions behind? I wonder what color Lantern is associated with Guilt? The Gray Lantern Corps? The Catholic and/or Jewish Lantern Corps? Are Catholic and Jewish colors?

Atrocitus does a Blood Ritual with the Manhunters to bind them to him. I forgot that he and his Manhunter army actually take part in the final issue of The Rise of the Third Army. They fly in like an angry robotic space cavalry to distract the Third Army while Kyle Rayner lights everyone up with his new White Lantern Powers. So I already know the ending to this comic book! I hate when that happens. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. I mean, I'm wasting the time that I'm already wasting but to a greater degree than I'd like! Not that anything isn't merely wasting time. What constitutes a non-waste of time? Feeding a child? Curing a disease? Making a really fucking good burrito? I actually think the only time a person wastes is the time doing things they don't want to fucking do. Screw that "It builds character" bullshit! We all end up spending a certain amount of time doing things we don't want to do. Of course, if they enable us to have more time to do the things we want to do, then that time isn't actually wasted either, is it? I'm pretty sure spending time doing something and wasting time doing something are really just the same thing except somebody is judging someone by stating it the latter way. So forget everything I said about wasting time. No such thing. We're all just speeding to our doom so do whatever the fuck you want to with that time. Except, you know, being a dick. Don't be a dick. That's a waste of time.

Apparently all Atrocitus is known for is being a dick because he comes up with a plan that is so unlike him, it causes a Manhunter to say something other than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!"

I don't think Atrocitus believes anything. He just gets mad at stuff and barfs on it.

I'm pretty sure Atrocitus's "plan of cunning" is merely to get mad at the Guardians and barf on them. He'll probably get mad at the Manhunter for speaking and barf on it. It's just kind of the only thing he knows. And I love him for it. He has the sensibility of a cat.

On Ysmault, Ratchet has finally decided he knows why the Red Lantern Battery isn't charging: Ysmault is a vampire planet. If this weren't a comic book, I'd think that was the stupidest theory ever. I'd also think it was pretty amazing that an actual alien existed. And he was a member of a raging Corps of Red Lanterns with lava running through their veins. That would probably be pretty stunning if it weren't a comic book. I'd also probably be dead or a vampire because I would have tried to get Vampire Tig to love me. And I'd probably believe in Gods and Magic and Devils too! I guess comic book reality isn't very far off from some people's view of the real world, is it?

So Ratchet digs down into Ysmault to prove his theory somehow. I don't know. Maybe he thought he would find Ysmault's stomach full of blood or something. Instead he finds Atrocitus's old frenemies, the Inversions. But that's probably a plot for some future issue. Right now, Rankorr has to deal with some heavy shit down on Earth.

Does this make me crazy? Thinking like Bleez?

When did Bleez and I begin sharing the same brain? She also tells Rankorr he's too human to be a Red Lantern but too Red Lantern to be human. And once she has him all nice and doubting and pitiful and pouty, she tries to eat his blood. Not to kill him or anything. She just wants the power to make constructs and believes by tasting his blood, she can have that power. I guess that answers my question about the other Red Lanterns and their ability to make constructs. Rankorr doesn't say no but he hesitates for about one second, enough time for Bleez to pretend he needs some more motivation.

She was obviously just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

Rankorr refuses, tells her she's too dangerous for his cock constructs, and flies away. Bleez stays behind for a few panels so she can dramatically state that she was truly one hot piece of ass and nobody turns down her sexual advances and now she's Rankorr's sworn enemy. So basically nothing much has really changed. Bleez hated him then wanted something from him so acted nice then hated him when she didn't get it. So typical of her gender race species individual personality and indicative of her past actions.

While Atrocitus sends his Manhunters to Green Lantern Corps Annual #1, he heads to Maltus, the old home of the Guardians. Deep within its core, he finds the thing he was looking for. I don't know what it is but it looks like a bank of televisions with sphincters. As Atrocitus approaches, ghost heads begin floating out of the sphincters. And one of them is an old frenemy!

Krona! I think disembodied spectral head living in a sphincter television is a step up from corpse continuously fucked by Atrocitus night after night.

Red Lanterns #16 Rating: No change. I was discussing how shitty political cartoons are with my friend Doom Bunny this morning. Sometimes they make barely any sense and other times the artist feels the need to over explain them. So I decided to boil down the essence of the Political Cartoon and make my own template for a Political Cartoon that can be used over and over again. Here it is with a commentary on Green Lantern!

If used in newspapers aimed at the gay community, both the penis and ass could be labeled with sympathetic things, like "Candy!" on the penis and "Everybody!" on the ass. The template itself doesn't judge! Just the people who put the words on it!

Batman Incorporated #7

It seems the only people Batman fights anymore are the citizens of Gotham: The Saturn Club victims, The Scarecrow's victims, The Mad Hatter' victims, The Joker's victims, Leviathan's victims. I know I'm forgetting some others!

Batman was falling to his death at the end of the last issue thanks to some giant tank of a Batthing created by Talia. Storming the location of Batman's imminent death was the gang of children seen on the cover. But not to worry! Robin was on his way to save the day! And by save the day, I mean give himself up to his mother to save Gotham and then beat the shit out of Talia himself after which she'll tell him to just kill her but he won't and that will prove that Batman has beaten her!

Except this comic book was written by Grant Morrison so I imagine that even a Master Comic Book Reader like me doesn't have the chops to figure out where his plots are going.

Of course you're too late! He was falling out of the building before you were even on your Bird-Cycles!

Batman does not hit the pavement before his kids arrive because he's snatched out of the air by a Manbat. And Damian is still nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he's behind the others because he's riding Batcow into battle with Titus at his side and Alfred perched on his shoulder. The cat not the butler!

Traktir and Spidra, members of Batman Incorporated, at Talia's Bio-factory in Yemen have located the corpse of a whale that died giving birth, apparently to Talia's new Batthing. Damian is still in the batcave like he was told. That's surprising! When is he going to ditch Pennyworth and get his ass back into combat? Perhaps he knows he pushed his father one too many times so far. One more time and Batman will drive Damian to Talia's front door and push him out of the Batmobile without even stopping. In the meantime, Damian has animals to take care of.

Vegetarians owning cats! Fucking hypocrites! Ouch! I just hurt my own feelings!

My cats must think I'm just a gigantic selfish asshole when I won't share my food with them. Although when I offer, they never want it! Unless it has cheese on it. Yes, I eat dairy. I'm part of the enslavement and ill-treatment of hundreds of thousands of dairy animals! But God made farmers, right? He wants us to partake of the fruits of the subjugated and oppressed! I'm actually not against eating dairy in theory. In theory, these animals' ancestors made a pretty sweet fucking deal with our ancestors to provide sustenance for protection and care. But like I said, in theory! Today, most dairy animals are very much tortured for the products they provide. I know better but I'm still too lazy to do my homework and only partake of cheeses and ice creams (that's pretty much it for my dairy intake!) from respectable farmers. Or actual farmers. I don't think you can count the people working the gigantic factory farms as farmers. So yeah. Some fucking vegetarian I am! Just as lazy as the meat-eaters. But it's a process! I'm still working on it! Enlightenment isn't like a curtain falling all at once! It's like a really long nap. Or hike. One of those.

I'm a sucker for panels depicting Damian playing with Alfred, so here's some more kitten pictures.

The scratches all over Damian's arm is a nice touch. I feel you, Damian!

Meanwhile shit is going down all over Gotham. Tim Drake is nearly blown up in a trap following Batman's Utility Belt tracer. Jason Todd is zapped by Hood who has decided Batman Incorporated is over and it's time to get the hell out. Nighwing and Commissioner Gordon are being attacked by mind-controlled children. Batman has been stuffed in a safe and tossed into a swimming pool. And Talia is about to unleash Otto Netz's Oroboro meta-bomb. Is it time for Damian to save the day yet?!

Awww! Who fucking cares? Look at da widdle adimals!

I guess Alfred Pennyworth cares!

Oh Alfred! Always covering your own ass!

Turns out Alfred doesn't have to cover his own ass. Damian has already hacked the security protocols and is able to do Bruce's voice so well, he fools the voice recognition locks. Alfred is duly impressed and promises to take care of Robin's pets while he's off to save The Goddamned Batman.

Batman Incorporated #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I really should get around to reading Morrison's Preboot run on Batman Incorporated and Batman and Robin. It's just I don't have any time to read all of the shit I currently own! How do people do everything they want to do each week when they work 40 hours of that week? I guess if I made myself work forty hours, I'd earn twice as much but I don't think it would be fucking worth it! Although I could hire somebody to work the other twenty hours and pay them slave wages with no benefits. But then I can strut around saying, "I'm a job creator!" and everyone can congratulate me and slap me on the back and think, "There goes a true American hero!" Meanwhile my worker will get appendicitis and die. But that just means another job opening that I can fill while expecting the person filling it to be grateful!

America! Fuck yeah!
My cat Judas, the model.