Infinity Man and the Forever People #4

This should be the November Variants! Bat-Cow covers! I'd request that variant! Although I wouldn't have known to request that variant since I never know what's coming up. Hey! If a Bat-Cow Variant Month ever happens, somebody let me know in time to request them!

Remember that television show Lost? Remember how I constantly mention how it really screwed up when the writers decided the characters weren't in Purgatory because too many people on the internet guessed that was what was going on? Here's another reason why you know it was supposed to be Purgatory: the Flashbacks. The flashbacks were there to show what kind of a person the character was when they were alive and how they were changing or repenting or staying the same or falling further to evil. In a show where the characters are merely on a weird island taken over by a near mystical corporation, the flashbacks don't mean nearly as much. Which is why they changed to flashforwards and, finally, to flashafterlifes.

Also, for the people that only really watched the show to find out what the smoke monster was (it was a smoke monster that made roller coaster noises), the final season didn't mean they were all dead the whole time. The flashafterlifes were just what the characters were doing in Lost's new version of Purgatory as they all waited to move on together. So they were really just all waiting for everybody involved to die. Not counting the drunk drivers. They all went to hell immediately.

This issue is called "Milk Run" because dry cereal is awful.

At the end of last issue, The Forever People were involved in a BOOM Tube accident.

And by "topography," Serafina means "billboard."

Batman is involved in dairy farming? I don't think Batcow would be very pleased to learn this! Dairy Farmers are the leading cause of people feeling bad about eating baby boy cows. It's a fact! I bet Batman is actually experimenting with weaponized cows. At least that would be less vile than dairy farming.

I said it's a fact! Don't fucking argue with me! Dairy is evil! Except Ben and Jerry's which is fucking delicious! And probably all the other ice cream too. And butter. And strawberry milk.

Oh no! That's the most difficult cardinal direction in which to make your way!

That last caption probably would have been a good place to make my traditional "mother box" joke! Oh well. I guess I'll have to wait for another opportunity to equate the female genitals with a container.

I bet Giffen and DiDio just laughed and laughed about Batcow licking Mother Box. It's an innuendo!

Why is Batcow in Ventura, California? I bet Batcow is on a secret mission to catch Jokercow! Or maybe she's on vacation with Catcow!

The Forever People are morons who need Batcow to show them how to travel south. Not that you have to be a moron to be less smart than Batcow! It's just, well, they are morons.

Meanwhile on New Genesis, Infinity Man tells Hymen that he's going to help Highfather. That's a lie! Last issue, he said that Highfather and the people of New Genesis were just as dangerous as Darkseid and the monstrosities of Apokolips! He said ordering the universe was just as bad as chaoticking the universe! I think the Infinity Man has some hidden, selfish motivations!

Anyway, I thought Infinity Man could only appear while the Forever People were singing songs to Mother Box? And then don't they take his place in Infinity while he forces people to stop doing everything they're doing because they're interfering with the natural order of things?

Back on Earth, the bus The New Gods take to go south takes sixteen hours to get from Ventura to Venice Beach. I think that's Dan DiDio's commentary on how shitty bus travel is. Or the people of DC have no idea how to look at a map. I think it might be that one since practically nobody at the company knows that Antarctica and The Arctic are two separate places.

What?

Is there a reason this comic book needed to be created (besides Dan DiDio's obsession with rewriting everything Jack Kirby ever created)? Am I supposed to be learning something about human nature when viewed through the eyes of a New God? Is it about the slapstick adventures of out-of-place foreigners getting their bearings in a new and strange land? I thought the New Gods were supposed to teach earthlings how to be grown up citizens of the universe but the New Gods are getting directions from cows, so how wise can they be? It's drawn and partially written by Keith Giffen so I guess it's supposed to be funny? Maybe? I mean funny in that way that Giffen is funny where he comes up with an average joke and tells it fifteen times in the same book.

Oh! I get it! Ha ha! They pissed in the pool! Didn't they read the sign that said, "This is our _ool. Notice it has no 'P' in it. Please keep it that way"?

The man cleaning the pool is Doctor Skuba. That's an evil scientist name if I ever heard one! And I have heard one. I've heard many! He tells Serafina that his hatred for those that would befoul water knows no bounds! Bwa ha ha ha!

He doesn't laugh like Giffen would have made him laugh. I added that! Because Giffen probably just forgot to add it. Or he'll do it later. Or maybe he can't use that laugh unless J.M. DeMatteis is co-writing.

Why didn't she use that cartridge on Batcow?!

I think I just realized what genre this comic book is! It's a teenaged college shenanigans comedy! Cow craziness! Road trips! Pool parties! Repeat offenders! Women losing their tops! Men making gay jokes about each other because being gay is gay (even though it is college which is the most appropriate time for a heterosexual to be gay). I can't wait until they prank the Dean!

But first the New Gods Greek House has to get into a crazy battle with the other main Greek House of Earth, Gamma Lipschitz Coitus.

AKA The Red Lanterns!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #4 Ranking: No change. Batcow saved this issue because I can't rank down a comic book that has Batcow in it! Even though it didn't make sense for Batcow to be in California. Sure, I know the cover said it was a gratuitous appearance! But I still hope that Batcow's trip to California will remain in continuity and Peter J. Tomasi will work it into Batman and Robin.

Batman Incorporated #10

This cover broke my Recursion Alert.

Hopefully we've put the death of Damian Wayne behind us now and we can get busy with the business of killing Batthing. Or how about an issue devoted to Halo? We haven't seen enough of Halo in this thing. It would do everybody a lot of good to see Halo on an ice cream adventure. Nobody could be sad after that. Especially if it ended in a hot bubble bath.

Batman's first stop on his long, three issue road to vengeance is to pick up Azrael. I'm pretty sure this is a different Azrael than the one I remember. I think I remember the first one. For some reason, I picture him as Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch. This Azrael is named Michael Lane so that's different than Jean-Paul Valley. I didn't remember that. Lord Google told me the original's name because I wanted to see if he looks like Cousin Oliver. He kind of does!

He's a little crazy but it sounds like he's got the uniform for the task.

While Batman is busy recruiting religious wackos, the al Wacko family discuss Damian's death. Ra's congratulates Talia on becoming a monster by having her son killed. Talia bitches that Damian wasn't supposed to be there and wouldn't have died if only that stupid fucking butler could have kept Damian on his leash. Talia gloats that her plan is perfect and Ra's fills her full of doubt by suggesting she missed one vital detail. There's some yelling and some laughing and some dirty looks. It's practically an episode of Leave It To Beaver.

Bruce Wayne is taking inventory of Batman Incorporated technology at Wayne Enterprises when he discovers something interesting.

So that's the big plan to keep everybody from figuring out Batman is Bruce Wayne? Damian is "out of the country"? But what about the rumors? Were those started by geniuses that finally made the connection between Batman & Robin and Bruce & Damian Wayne?

Even though that piece of shit Mayor Hady has given Leviathan everything it wants, Leviathan is still demanding more. Talia now wants Batman to surrender at 11 that night. How Hady is going to give her that, I don't know. I bet Hady is wishing he had a better relationship with Batman now instead of always wanting to arrest him or shut him down.

Red Robin and Nightwing are busy searching for Talia so they can destroy Leviathan once and for all. Ranger and the new Knight are busy searching for Wingman (that's Jason Todd!) and they think they may have found him. But since he's currently being used as a sex toy by the Women of Spider Island, I very much doubt he cares if he's rescued.

See? He's faking Stockholm Syndrome so he can continue to have lots and lots of spider sex with them.

I have no idea what Jason Todd knows. Perhaps if I'd read the Preboot Batman Incorporated, I might have some kind of an idea. Or not.

Meanwhile Batman has paid a visit to Kirk Langstrom and is now ready to surrender to Talia. But he's not going to surrender as Batman! He's going to surrender as Manbatmanbatmanbatbatmanmanbatmanbat. That certainly is terrifying!

Make that Armored Manbatmanbatmanbatbatmanmanbatmanbat in Armor.

Batman Incorporated #10 Rating: No change. Batman did visit Langstrom and he did inject something into his neck but he doesn't look very much like a Manbat in that last picture. Perhaps he's just emitting Bat Pheromones which is why he's being followed by an army of bats. Or perhaps the serum just gives him added strength or echo location or something. Or maybe it simply gives him the added strength to control the experimental bat skeleton armor Lucius Fox created for him. Whatever the case may be, Talia seems pretty shocked and upset that this is the way he decided to dress for the surrender.

Batman Incorporated #9

When is it going to be Batman's turn to be happy?

Last issue, Damian Wayne was killed by Talia al Ghu's Batthing. Since that issue, a bunch of other issues came out with most of the Bat Family in half-assed mourning. Batman and Robin #18 was the only other Batman title that I think needed to deal with Batman's grief. Batman #18 sort of dealt with it but in a way that highlighted that lovable street urchin Harper Row and her way gay little brother. The other Batman titles really should have just ignored the whole thing. I suppose I get to see Batman mourn all over again one more time here in the comic book that actually killed the little prick.

Okay. Second panel and I'm done!

How does Bruce actually cope with this? Damian was only ten or eleven years old! He was his son! Peter Tomasi wrote these two so well in the pages of Batman and Robin that The New 52, for the first time in my 25+ years of reading comic books, finally gave me a Robin that I liked. Hell, I loved the little prick! Their relationship was so fun to read at the hands of Tomasi. This might be the first time I've truly been sad about the death of a comic book character. If I'd been reading comic books at the time, I would have been very sad about Ted Kord's death as well. But I missed out on that one, so I don't count it. I thought I would be sad when Cerebus finally died but Sim was right about that one: that fucker died unloved and unmourned. Mostly due to Sim exasperating most of his readers with Cerebus's explication of Genesis.

So now I get to watch Batman bury his son. Yay! What a great morning!

Or maybe (hopefully!) the entire funeral will be taken up by Batman's flashback where he puts the Batthing in a coffin too. I'm pretty sure Batman is allowed to kill animals and since the Batthing came out of a whale's vagina, I think that makes him a whale. And while Aquaman might be a little bit pissed if Batman kills him, killing a whale doesn't go against any of Batman's ethical codes. But while Batman takes out his anger and grief on Batthing, Nightwing comes to and realizes he fucked up like a big fucking fucked up fuck up fucking up.

How do you feel about encouraging him now? I can't wait to see how how badly Alfred takes it since Alfred let him out of the house! I think Tim Drake had it right! Who's protecting these kids? You fucking enablers!

Nightwing immediately joins the fight against Batthing while Talia's thugs with the guns and arrows just stand by. They may have simply had orders to kill Damian because they could easily be doing the same thing to Nightwing and Batman that they just did to Robin. The Batthing fight's outcome is interrupted by Bruce saying some words at Damian's funeral. He says some things and then says Damian's death will be avenged. I think that means Damian's mother is going to have to die.

Meanwhile in London, Knight is given a hero's funeral. And then Squire takes on the mantle of Knight. That makes sense. You can't run around fighting criminals by yourself when your name is Squire. You'd be a laughingstock.

And while Batman and Alfred and Tim and Dick bury Damian without a thought as to how super heroes are constantly coming back to life, the Prime Minister of Britain, like a good comic book character, is keeping all options open in regards to Knight! Good for him!

"And don't forget, Prime Minister, the five hundred and sixty-two other ways to resurrect a person in our reality!"

And then things get really awful. Just. I mean. Come on, Bruce! Don't be a dick!

Not the vacation!

Stop blaming everybody else, Bruce. Hell, you can't even blame yourself for this one. Everybody did everything in their power to reign this kid in. Even Alfred couldn't have stopped him if he had actually tried. Damian's death is on two people: Damian and Talia. According to Ra's al Ghul, the kid may have been destined to house Ra's personality. But Talia only ever had one destiny in mind for this kid. He was simply a tool to be used to hurt Batman as much as he could be hurt.

Back to the fight with Batthing, Nightwing and Batman are both nearly beat when Red Robin uses the tank in the lobby of Wayne Enterprises to put a shell right up Batthing's ass. Batthing may be tough but he slinks off to heal after that one. Nightwing grabs up Robin's body and they retreat back to the Batcave.

With Gotham erupting into chaos and in the grip of Leviathan, the Mayor of Gotham (who, I think, is a total dick anyway), basically accepts surrender under some pretty shitty terms. Well, shitty for Batman and his friends.

People can barely stay alive with Batman allowed in the city! The residents of Gotham might as well just go lie down in their graves now.

Jason Todd has been captured by a bunch of women from the movie, The Horrors of Spider Island. And the rest of Batman, Incorporated is searching for him and for any clues as to what the Ouroboros Bomb is or how to stop it. And Batman finally breaks down after realizing what a true genius his son was when he examines Damian's greatest gift to the world.

Batcow would outsell most of The New 52 titles. Unless Scott Lobdell ended up writing it. Then it would be scenes of Batcow standing around chewing his cud while he Narration Boxes, "Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo."

Batman Incorporated #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. Anybody who doesn't like Batcow doesn't like freedom. Why isn't DC marketing the shit out of Batcow? I need a Batcow shirt right now! I wonder if Grant Morrison has retained all rights to Batcow. He's going to be sorry if he gave that one to DC for free!

Batman Incorporated #7

It seems the only people Batman fights anymore are the citizens of Gotham: The Saturn Club victims, The Scarecrow's victims, The Mad Hatter' victims, The Joker's victims, Leviathan's victims. I know I'm forgetting some others!

Batman was falling to his death at the end of the last issue thanks to some giant tank of a Batthing created by Talia. Storming the location of Batman's imminent death was the gang of children seen on the cover. But not to worry! Robin was on his way to save the day! And by save the day, I mean give himself up to his mother to save Gotham and then beat the shit out of Talia himself after which she'll tell him to just kill her but he won't and that will prove that Batman has beaten her!

Except this comic book was written by Grant Morrison so I imagine that even a Master Comic Book Reader like me doesn't have the chops to figure out where his plots are going.

Of course you're too late! He was falling out of the building before you were even on your Bird-Cycles!

Batman does not hit the pavement before his kids arrive because he's snatched out of the air by a Manbat. And Damian is still nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he's behind the others because he's riding Batcow into battle with Titus at his side and Alfred perched on his shoulder. The cat not the butler!

Traktir and Spidra, members of Batman Incorporated, at Talia's Bio-factory in Yemen have located the corpse of a whale that died giving birth, apparently to Talia's new Batthing. Damian is still in the batcave like he was told. That's surprising! When is he going to ditch Pennyworth and get his ass back into combat? Perhaps he knows he pushed his father one too many times so far. One more time and Batman will drive Damian to Talia's front door and push him out of the Batmobile without even stopping. In the meantime, Damian has animals to take care of.

Vegetarians owning cats! Fucking hypocrites! Ouch! I just hurt my own feelings!

My cats must think I'm just a gigantic selfish asshole when I won't share my food with them. Although when I offer, they never want it! Unless it has cheese on it. Yes, I eat dairy. I'm part of the enslavement and ill-treatment of hundreds of thousands of dairy animals! But God made farmers, right? He wants us to partake of the fruits of the subjugated and oppressed! I'm actually not against eating dairy in theory. In theory, these animals' ancestors made a pretty sweet fucking deal with our ancestors to provide sustenance for protection and care. But like I said, in theory! Today, most dairy animals are very much tortured for the products they provide. I know better but I'm still too lazy to do my homework and only partake of cheeses and ice creams (that's pretty much it for my dairy intake!) from respectable farmers. Or actual farmers. I don't think you can count the people working the gigantic factory farms as farmers. So yeah. Some fucking vegetarian I am! Just as lazy as the meat-eaters. But it's a process! I'm still working on it! Enlightenment isn't like a curtain falling all at once! It's like a really long nap. Or hike. One of those.

I'm a sucker for panels depicting Damian playing with Alfred, so here's some more kitten pictures.

The scratches all over Damian's arm is a nice touch. I feel you, Damian!

Meanwhile shit is going down all over Gotham. Tim Drake is nearly blown up in a trap following Batman's Utility Belt tracer. Jason Todd is zapped by Hood who has decided Batman Incorporated is over and it's time to get the hell out. Nighwing and Commissioner Gordon are being attacked by mind-controlled children. Batman has been stuffed in a safe and tossed into a swimming pool. And Talia is about to unleash Otto Netz's Oroboro meta-bomb. Is it time for Damian to save the day yet?!

Awww! Who fucking cares? Look at da widdle adimals!

I guess Alfred Pennyworth cares!

Oh Alfred! Always covering your own ass!

Turns out Alfred doesn't have to cover his own ass. Damian has already hacked the security protocols and is able to do Bruce's voice so well, he fools the voice recognition locks. Alfred is duly impressed and promises to take care of Robin's pets while he's off to save The Goddamned Batman.

Batman Incorporated #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I really should get around to reading Morrison's Preboot run on Batman Incorporated and Batman and Robin. It's just I don't have any time to read all of the shit I currently own! How do people do everything they want to do each week when they work 40 hours of that week? I guess if I made myself work forty hours, I'd earn twice as much but I don't think it would be fucking worth it! Although I could hire somebody to work the other twenty hours and pay them slave wages with no benefits. But then I can strut around saying, "I'm a job creator!" and everyone can congratulate me and slap me on the back and think, "There goes a true American hero!" Meanwhile my worker will get appendicitis and die. But that just means another job opening that I can fill while expecting the person filling it to be grateful!

America! Fuck yeah!
My cat Judas, the model.

Batman Incorporated #6

I think this is some kind of metaphor or something. But I just want them to kiss!

At the end of the last issue, a bunch of The Outsiders that we haven't even had time to get reacquainted with were blown up in a blow up! I don't even know if they were really them or not them! Looker was there but isn't Looker a vampire model now? And Halo was in a coma the last time I saw her! Yeah, yeah, it's been awhile. But maybe those weren't even the real Outsiders since Batman Incorporated has had hardly any page time in Batman Incorporated! This comic should be called Daddy Issues Starring Batman and Robin Featuring Alfred Pennyworth with Guest Appearances by Batman Incorporated.

Oh Batman. You don't eat brunch at home!

So I found myself wondering whatever happened to Bruce Wayne standing in the cemetery telling Alfred that Batman and Batman, Incorporated are through. And then the police arrive to arrest Bruce Wayne. That happened way back in Issue One and immediately after that the comic began "One Month Previously." So it's been six issues and one month has yet to pass in Batman, Incorporated? That's really going to screw up my sense of the timeline!

I was asking my friend Doom Bunny if he remembered that scene with Batman being arrested (I thought it was Batman and not Bruce Wayne when I asked him) and we had this conversation:

Doom Bunny: "Who the hell can arrest Batman?"
Me: "Commissioner Gordon. And sometimes Detective Bullock."
Me: "Of course, they need Batman's permission."

So Batman is rushing to the scene of Batman, Incorporated's exploded body parts. Commissioner Gordon is smoking and confused. Detective Bullock is drinking coffee and inappropriately happy (man that fucker likes his job at its worst!). Batman is grim and effusive. Just another night in Gotham!

Except this night is somehow different! This night Batman is going to have an argument with his Baby Mama.

My cousin Jerry has a particular dislike for the term "Baby Daddy" and "Baby Mama." I think they're nearly essential terms that sum up a relationship far better than the paragraph it would take to otherwise explain "the other parent of my child that I'm not married to and most likely was never in anything but a casual relationship anyway." He likened it to my dislike of someone using "loose" when they meant "lose." How are those two things in any way alike? One is incorrect. The other is efficient use of slang! Man, he's really become a bourgeois jerk!

See? Batman is bourgeoisie and he prefers the term "mother of my son."

Batman tells Talia that he's arrived alone but he must have a different definition of alone than I do since he's surrounded by a dozen Bat Sentinels. I guess they're just robots but I think that's a bit insensitive of Batman to think of them as not existing. This is just the kind of situation that will cause one of them to cry, short circuit, and become a lifelong nemesis.

Talia begins telling Batman the parable of the Goat Herder and Enlightenment which I don't know even if it's usually the Ox Herder and Enlightenment. After all the fighting and game playing, Batman finally just wants it all to be over so his city will be safe. He even seems willing to give Robin back which seems like a dick move. It seems like such a dick move that it can't be real. I'm pretty sure what he wants to do is speak with Talia face to face so he can punch her in the nose and be done with this whole mess.

Hurry up, Batman! Halo was my first ever comic book crush! You have to save her! Also, um, Batwing: Watch your fucking hands there, big guy!

Meanwhile back at the Batcave, all of the various Robins and ex-Robins are being babysat by Alfred since Batman, once again, told them to stay put while he does the dangerous work. Remember the days when Batman would carelessly drag Robin into the most dangerous situations? Hmm, I guess DC's fanbase killed those days with their big telephone campaign to fix that jerk Jason Todd!

Gosh, Jason! You insensitive jerk! Not in front of Batcow!

I wonder if Grant Morrison falls asleep every night thinking, "Fuck me. I'm such a genius." You can also tell how intelligent I must be to equate genius with a comic book writer creating Batcow. But wait! There's more! You don't simply get one Batcow in this title! What about Titus, the Batdog! We'll throw him in for free (just pay separate shipping and handling charges). Holy shit! Have we gone insane?! Where else can you get a deal like this? A bat comic with two fucking animal mascots? Batcow and Batdog! Well hold on to your fucking crotch rockets people (rocket not meant to symbolize the phallus but all sexual organs equally) because we're not done!

That's right! You also get this lovable kitten! (Talia's propensity for gassing animals is her own view and not one which we endorse).

Batman's vision of the end of Gotham is slowly coming true!

The fucking batcave must smell horrible.

While Batman hunts down Talia, they have a little conversation. This same conversation is being broadcast into the Batcave so that Damian can hear. Talia tells Batman about the citizens of Gotham that Leviathan has placed under mind control. And then Talia finally gets to the point of all of this and why she needs Damian to hear it.

Like Batman can ever be forced to choose just one!

Batman will probably save Gotham and let Robin save himself and hope Robin understands. These two have seriously learned to trust each other and I don't think any mind games by Talia will stop either of them from doing their duty to save Gotham. Over in The Dark Knight, Batman trusted Damian to kill him to save Gotham. They understand each other and their responsibility to the city over their emotional obligation to people they love. None of the other Batfamily has the ability to completely let go of their emotions to simply do what is right and what is needed. That's why Damian can be the next Batman and Batman knows it.

Near the top of the building, Batman encounters a giant of a man wearing a mask with a red visor. He kills the hostages and then moves on to attack the already wounded Batman Incorporated. He snaps Knight's neck just after Knight gets Squire's heart beating again. Batwing is taken out by the beast using Knight's body as a weapon. And then Batman arrives to help Squire fight this monster.

Forget the rest of this fight! Look there! I think Halo is lifting her head! I think she's going to be okay!

Jason Todd declares that they'll go rescue Batman but Damian tells them it's up to him to save his father. I think Alfred will probably let him go this time. But will they have enough time to save Batman? What's the formula for acceleration due to gravity?

The comic ends with Batman being thrown out of this window and the police below being overrun by some homeless guy with an axe and an army of rough and tumble boy scouts.

These "scouts" would probably know it's 16 feet per second per second. Or something.

Batman Incorporated #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic just keeps getting better. And I only say that because they introduced a cat to the Bat-Animal Family.

Batman Incorporated #3

It's about fucking time I got my hands on Issue #3!

My comic book store told me that the distributor didn't send them enough issues of Batman Incorporated #3 on August 22nd. It's always the distributor's fault when something gets fucked up at a comic book store. So I bugged them about it two weeks in a row and they mumbled and gave me excuses and the comic never showed. This last Wednesday, Batman Incorporated #3 was finally on the shelves! So I grabbed one and then asked for my comic books in my pull box. Of course, Batman Incorporated #3 had not been pulled for me. Bastards! I can't believe what I have to put up with to get 25% off! Over the last eight months, you've fucked up twice! TWICE! I mean, sure, you've saved me about $350 across that time. But still! And maybe I should count this as three fuck ups since you didn't give me the comic on August 22nd and then you still didn't give me the comic when it came out and you forgot Phantom Stranger in my pull box when it came out! HOW DARE YOU! I'm sorely tempted to take my huge and gracious discount away from your exemplary service and friendly attitudes and your store located just a few blocks from my house and throw it away all of our history together and...hmm, you know what? Never mind. No big deal.

Last issue was just a lot of Talia's history with her father and her date raping of The Batman. It's been so long, I hope I can remember all of the other stuff that was going on. I think Robin had a million dollar hit on his head and some guy named Goat Boy was about to collect on it. But I figured that was all a set-up and Batman was pulling the strings. Hopefully that plays out in this comic. And maybe Batcow will get some Panel Time.

The comic begins with the panel that got it held up because of the Aurora Theater shootings. A teacher is replaced by Leviathan and heads off to teach her classroom some solid truths.

Why did Leviathan need to replace her to get her to say this? This should be in every teacher's lesson plan anyway!

I bet Matches Malone is going to start asking questions of all of his Gotham Underworld contacts so he can find out what's going on.

But teachers were only one link in the chain. Leviathan took over the minds of cops, judges, clerks, business men, hot dog vendors...whoever they could influence that might influence someone else. The Leviathan card in the Magic the Gathering The Dark set should have been based on this Leviathan rather than a stupid giant fish. Then maybe it would have been more useful! That fucking card. It was the last card I needed to complete my The Dark set, so I went to a convention to try to trade for it. Magic players are fucking assholes. Nobody would accept a decent fucking trade for that useless piece of shit card. I offered actual cards that could be used in play. But nobody would trade unless I offered more. MORE MORE MORE! If you're one of those assholes who can't just make a decent trade and always has to somehow come out on top, just stop reading my blog. You're not fucking welcome here! And I want my Maze of Ith back!

Matches Malone is in some nightclub having a meeting with a kid named Small Fry. Or a grown man named Small Fry. Gotham has the stupidest fucking crime lords! How scary is this guy? What the fuck does he do that makes thugs rush around doing all of his dirty work? Perhaps that's why he's in Gotham. Because he can't compete anywhere else where the Crime Lords are just normal murdering business men. Here, Small Fry is competing against a guy with a doll in his lap (or is it a doll with a man under his ass?), a man that acts like a bird, a psychotic clown, a riddling fool, and a haberdasher with Lewis Carroll fetish.

See? Why are the majority of the crime lords in Gotham under five foot five? Mad Hatter, The Penguin, The Ventriloquist, Small Fry. They're all so tiny!

Oh! I just got the joke! Boy, I'm so slow sometimes. Matches Malone is dealing with all the little crime lords in Gotham because they're literally small business. He's trying to infiltrate Leviathan, the biggest crime lord now in Gotham. Hey, Grant! Whack me a little harder next time with your overblown metaphors! Or analogies. Whatever. Maybe I should hang my English degree on the wall to remind myself to pay closer attention to what I'm reading. I'm just so glad to finally be reading this stupid comic!

Two lumpy headed men begin to kidnap the lounge singer and Matches Malone is the only one to come to her defense. I guess Matches is all about the non-violence so he gets his thugs to threaten the kidnappers. I'm not sure if you actually live by a philosophy of non-violence if you just pay other guys to do all of the violence.

Is that Bueno Excellente with a new moniker?! The man who sodomized Lobo?!

Dick Grayson eventually shows up as Batman to convince everyone that Matches Malone is a real thug. And then everyone heads back to the Batcave to process the new information. Including Damian because he's, you know, not really dead. Surprise! I think. Probably not a surprise at all actually.

At least Damian's comebacks sound like a ten year old's insults.

Someone with a lot more knowledge (and time!) than I have needs to unravel this web.

Oh, for fuck's sake, just forget all of that Leviathan crap. Look! It's Batcow with Alfred!

Matches Malone ends up at Three Eyed Jacks because Grant Morrison is a fan of Twin Peaks but he wanted the place to be weird. At Three Eyed Jacks, Matches interviews Goatboy about his successful hit on Robin. He wants to know where Goatboy is supposed to collect his half billion dollar prize. And since Goatboy knows Gotham so well, he knows exactly where he was taken earlier to meet with Leviathan even though Goatboy was blindfolded.

Matches Malone heads to the Grimm Brothers' Wake on a tip from the lounge singer but it's a trap. He's grabbed by the lumpy twins and taken away. Meanwhile, Damian gasses Alfred so he can skip out on being grounded. He dons his Redbird costume and takes off to help Batman.

Really? Redbird? What's with the color red with these guys? Red Hood. Red Robin. Redbird. And of course simply Robin. Which is a Redbird. Clever disguise, Damian! No one would ever suspect!

It turns out the trap was set by Goatboy. He needed three sacrifices to prove himself to the League of Assassins. He killed Small Fry. And he killed Robin (I think that's one of them!). And now Matches Malone is next.

What's with the "It's Thursday" and "scapegoat" line? Is that a reference to Maundy Thursday and the betrayal of Christ, the ultimate scapegoat? I'll speak more about Maundy Thursday and how my girlfriend and I chose it as the one holiday to celebrate in our house when I comment on Phantom Stranger #1.

Good thing Redbird is just outside beating up the guards and the guard dogs. Although Matches probably only needs that lit match to defeat everyone in the room.

Batman Incorporated #3 Rating: No change. It feels like this comic needs to recover its momentum after that two month delay between issues (and practically three for me! Stupid comic book store!). People are way too sensitive. It's as if our society is schizophrenic and every single thing is connected to every other single thing and everyone is trying to be super careful not to offend anybody else or make anyone feel bad or frightened or traumatized. Guess what though? Life is a crazy mixed bag of chaotic random bullshit. And the least offensive thing in the world is a goofball story written to entertain. I can see DC's point. Especially when you're a corporation and your main goal is to make money, it would look really insensitive to put out a violent comic book starring the main character of a violent movie where a murder and violence just took place. I, for one, am adult enough to separate the two. As are many, many people. But the world is controlled by those who want to feel offended and throw their tantrums because they think they're helping out.

When I saw The Matrix in the theater, a woman sitting next to me gasped and freaked out when Neo in his trenchcoat makes his assault on the Agent's skyscraper. Columbine was still fresh in everyone's mind and this woman couldn't separate the two. That is mental illness. You aren't being traumatized, lady. Neo wasn't shooting at you and he didn't cause the mass killing at the school. Just stuff your mouth with Jujubes and shut the fuck up.

Now I sound like an insensitive bastard! I assure you that I am only in commentaries like these which don't fucking matter one bit on the universal scale.