Batman Incorporated Special #1

Damian's dead and Batman is posing on the cover of a comic book with a leaping cow. Fucking disrespectful.

This issue had better end with Damian being resurrected or I'm going to go stand in Starbucks and shit my pants in front of everybody.

No wait! I'm not going to do that! Not again, anyway.

Oh, ha ha! The ease and majesty of "again" in the making of comedy! Thank you, Judd Winick of Real World: San Francisco for that comic advice. I wonder what ever became of you? Enh, I guess some things will always remain a mystery!

Batman begins the issue sitting down in the Batcave ignoring the smell of cow manure as he checks the Bat-computer's case files on members of Batman Incorporated. You know what they say! A control freak's work is never done. And it's certainly never done right if you leave it up to someone else! So it's time to check in on Jiru, the Batman of Japan! Jabatpanman!

Jiro is the best because his secret Batcave lies beneath his Hentai/Sex Toy shop in the Ginza.

What the kids are screaming about is a vending machine vended them a human hand instead of an ice cream cone. I don't know what they're complaining about. Human hands are worth way more than a stupid ice cream sandwich.

Wait. Are they going to investigate the organ harvester or have a ménage à trois?

Jiro and Canary's detectivating lead them to a Capsule Hotel where business men check in and check out weighing a few ounces lighter. For once, that wasn't a euphemism for masturbating! It was a euphemism for having an organ harvested!

Actually, the businessmen never check out at all. They're completely harvested and then the bodies are thrown in the bay. This place must have horrendous Yelp reviews.

I was actually hoping for a Batcow Monthly Series but I think Batman of Japan would kick some serious ass each month.

Seriously though. Batwing is boring the shit out of me and Batman of Japan is just languishing in some editor's desk drawer? At least change Batwing's title to Batman Incorporated and follow stories of the various Batmen around the world month to month. Or just start up a Batman of Japan comic book! The New 52 is currently something like five comics short!

The story ends with the capture of Doctor Inside-Out and about eighteen thousand puns. And poor Jiro still doesn't have a shrink ray!

The next case file stars Knight who used to be Squire but is now Knight because Knight was killed by Batthing!

Oh come on! Be funny!

Knight pouts about for a couple of pages because Batman Incorporated has disbanded and Knight is dead and little girls want autographs. But then Springheel Jack attacks and suddenly Knight is needed again! Because the only other heroes are a Mechanic and some guy that wears a Potato Sack on his head. Also Knight is letting everybody call her Squire so I guess she's still Squire even though Squire is a dumb name for a hero without a Knight.

Her ass is pretty fucking impressive though. If you ignore the extreme bifurcation.

Squire defeats Srpingheel Jack and comes to terms with her loss by taking on the name Knight (I was jumping the gun!) and fighting Dinosaur Droogs manning flying battleships. Seriously. Look for yourself!

I'm beginning to think every other member of Batman Incorporated would be more interesting than Batwing. Although he did recently fight a Lion God and Termite Men. Maybe I'm just being lured away by the newness of these characters! Sorry, Batwing, it looks like our relationship has simply lost its passion and run its course.

Hey DC? If the Wonder Woman movie is "too complicated" to make, how about making this one starring Knight and her battle with the Dinosaur Droogs?!

The next person Batman spies on is Raven Red and Man-of-Bats.

The Raven Red story is about Raven Red battling Coyote in the high girders of a half-finished building while remembering a moment speaking with an old man that seemed to be preparing to jump from the top of a casino. The old man worked building skyscrapers and his story makes me feel queasy and uneasy just thinking about the men that built those steel frames. I'm not afraid of heights but those films of men walking around the girders fifty stories or more in the sky just make my stomach fall out of my body. And the man's story and description is exceptionally well told in this short story.

Speaking of heights and not being afraid of them, a recurring dream I used to have just came to me (because of the feeling this story gave me? Possibly!). I grew up in the south bay of the San Francisco Bay Area and was familiar enough with the hills of San Francisco. When you're driving up a really steep hill, it feels like nothing is grounding you to the world and there's absolutely no reason that the car isn't flipping over backwards and sending you tumbling to your death. I used to have dreams about being a passenger in a car driving up these hills. We never flipped over in my dreams but these dreams may have been the most terrifying dreams I had as a child.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is it's a really nice and evocative story. It's the type of story that every back-up story should try to emulate. This what I absolutely crave in a short eight page back-up feature. Well done!

The next case file stars Nightrunner, El Gaucho, and Dark Ranger. I'm most familiar with El Gaucho because he had the most panel time in the Preboot Batman Incorporated.

These guys are hanging out in Buenos Aires dealing with a city gone mad from some kind of high frequency radio madness attack.

Worst radio station ever. And that's saying something!

While he may be the worst disc jockey I've ever seen (again, that's saying something!), he does have a way with words.

Aquaman would be a good nemesis for a villain that nobody has ever heard of!

They eventually save the day. Batwing would be glad to hear that I'm not exactly clamoring for a comic book starring these guys. Although that's mostly because I still really don't know much about them.

And finally we get to the star of he comic book: Batcow! I'm not going to say this story is worth the cover price because everybody who reads the comic book will then demand that I repay them for thinking this story was worth the cover price. But it does have some really nice Batcow images that I'll probably have to make at least one new Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header out of.

Batman Incorporated Special #1 Rating: Just a taste of some stuff that DC had better realize needs to continue. Keep Batman Incorporated's Characters working!

Batman Incorporated #13

Is this cover a reminder of Otto Netz and his Ouroboros and his infinite recursion dementia trap? Or is it just supposed to be kind of cute?

Let me guess! Grant Morrison is going to kill Batman now!

I'm reading my comic books all out of order because I received this message from presumptuous:

Im feeling really empty. I want to feel better. I think you can assist. Im sorry to put an obligation on you. Its your fault for making me laugh. Something so deranged to fix an answer I don’t understand. Can you help by reviewing Batman Inc 13?

Thanks Eee!
-presumptuous

Also because this filthy mouthed cook wrote some thoughts on Batman Incorporated #13 that I would like to read before I forget she wrote them but can't read them until I read the comic book.

Also because I have a Tumblr account and somebody is going to spoil something on accident sooner than later. I still have six comic books to read from last week, so sorry all of you Scott Lobdell Superman fans but you'll have to wait for my gentle, calm, beautiful reaction to that one a little bit longer.

Here's a quick recap on what has come before: Talia pissed off Batman and now she's in big fucking trouble. Okay! Let's go!

Holy fuck! This comic book finally caught up to where it started!

What is Bruce Wayne being arrested for? Did he murder Talia? Abuse and murder of his son, Damian? Killing all the Men-bat that fell to their deaths when Batman gave them the Man-bat Antidote, not to mention all of the property damage from their carcasses crashing down on cars and businesses and passersby? Or is this just some kind of ruse?

At the beginning of this scene, Bruce was telling Alfred that Batman Incorporated and Batman and all of that madness was finally over. Why end it now? Is it because of Damian's death? Was he just playing the final part so he could put Talia in the ground? What would finally cause Bruce to give up Batman? Is Grant Morrison going to have him kill? And not by accident or from afar, but personally and with his bare hands around Talia's neck?

Or is this all some sort of ruse to fuck with Mayor Hady and his anti-Batman laws? I'm assuming that Grant Morrison is going to change Batman in some significant way by the end of this comic. I hope he reveals his secret identity to Gordon. In all the time that Batman's been around, has Gordon ever known his identity? Not having followed Batman very closely over the years (because I'm such a huge Aquaman fan and have always loved Aquaman more than everybody else ever but most especially more than the people who began loving Aquaman when he got his blue wave suit and also more than the people who began loving him when he got his beard and hook and also more than the people who began loving him during the Reboot too!), I really don't know the answer to that.

It seems Gordon brought him in to find out why Gotham is being torn apart since the center of the conflict seemed to be Wayne Towers.

I am surprised that he tells him the truth! Come on, Gordon! You can piece together his secret now!

And then the comic goes from continuing the scene that began the entire series to continuing the scene that ended last issue. Kind of like a snake eating its own tail, wouldn't you say?

Talia approaches Batman with sword drawn. His symbol, the metaphor that is his life, is the final thing she must destroy before proving herself to her father. Sure, she doesn't say it's about her father! But what stripper world conqueror ever does? Napoleon. Hitler. Alexander the Great. Zarkov the Traginificent. Read any of their histories (you'll have to wait until 2033 to read about Zarkov) and then throw the history book in the garbage, grab a notepad, write "Daddy Issues" on it, and you'll understand why they all did what they did! Now Talia and Batman are going to go at it one final time.

Not like that! Goddammit! Alfred, get the fucking bat-hose!

So after fighting The Bat-Thing that killed Damian, Batman was still in pretty good physical condition. But after making out with Talia, he winds up with a swollen face and 28 stitches in his head? Damn. That girl can fuck.

While Batman and Talia "Button, Button, Whose Got the Eight Inch Penis", Gotham is burning to the ground and children are rioting in the streets. Although the chaos does provide me with one of my favorite Jim Gordon moments of all time.

Who hasn't hoped, at one time in their life, that total chaos would erupt, allowing you to choke the shit out of some little noseminer? Just me? Fucking liars.

After the kissy-kissy fails to poison Batman because he's too smart to fall for that femme fatale cliché, Talia and Bruce are ready to cross swords. Although speaking of Batman being too smart, he doesn't always go into situations prepared for poisons! How many times has he been drugged by The Scarecrow or The Mad Hatter or The White Rabbit in The New 52 alone? So I can see why Talia would give the poison lipstick a shot. I wonder if she's also wearing her female condom with the Box Jellyfish inside?

Talia's final challenge to Batman? Kill her and save his city.

At this point on the credits page halfway into the issue, I can't guess if Morrison will have Batman kill Talia or not. It seems too easy. Not that the choice to kill somebody would be easy for Batman. But for Morrison to use that as the legacy he leaves to the character seems like a cheat. So I'm really hoping he doesn't do it. Maybe he'll do it in honor of his son. "This is the way Damian would have done it! Here's to you kid!" STAB! KILL! CRY! The only other option I can see is Batman refusing and Talia beating him over and over and over, warning him he's going to die if he can't find the backbone to murder her. And then KAPOW! Alfred blows her head off with his shotgun. Now that would be a fine ending! And traditional! Because, you know, the butler always does it.

Back to the police interrogation room where Bruce is letting it all out.

I can't read this comic book any slower and it's still going by too fast!

When I was looking up how Ma and Pa Kent died in the Silver Age, I wound up reading a forum where people were discussing Grant Morrison's work on Action Comics. I was flabbergasted (I may have been born in the 19th Century) by how many comic book readers hated Grant Morrison's writing. Of course I judged them all. What were they lacking that they couldn't see when a real, honest-to-goodness, capital "W" Writer was expressing his glands craft? How did they not see how beautifully he was braiding together all the multiple threads of his Action Comics storyline? Why were they so dull-witted, slack-jawed, and inbred? I understand that not every story he tells works for every fan. But that is a far different thing than comparing his Action Comics run to Scott Lobdell's Superman run. That's like comparing apples to decomposing organic matter. I wanted to type "apples to dogshit" but I think I've called Scott Lobdell's writing "dogshit" enough times this month.

Back in the Batcave, Batman winds up poisoned by Talia's blade because she's a cheating jerk. While the poison is consuming him, Jason Todd returns with the Ouroboros bomb to trade to Talia for Batman's life. Batman, of course, would rather die than see Talia win. Of course, so would Jason Todd! I mean, Jason Todd would rather not see Talia win, not Jason Todd would rather see Batman die! Although he might! Just not now and not in this story. The Ouroboros Bomb has been disarmed. And Batman has guzzled his antidote. And Talia is pissed.

And then Talia is dead.

That's not Alfred's dainty, well-manicured hand. It's Kathy Kane, headmistress of Spyral and not only Preboot Batwoman but Pre-Crisis-on-Infinite-Earth's Batwoman! She's fucking old school! I'm not one to really wonder how exactly she fits into the Reboot and all since the Batman Incorporated story has always existed in a fuzzy amalgamation of Preboot and Reboot history. The continuity error I'm really concerned with is Jason Todd and his loss of memory when Damian was still alive but he still has his normal memory while completing this story arc! Once again, the continuity fuck up is thanks to Scott Lobdell and his inability to give a shit! And also probably having lazy editors.

Jason Todd rides off and Kathy Kane disappears to run Spyral in a future New 52 series. And Batman is left all alone.

Mostly.

It must be easy choosing not to kill when somebody is always around to do the killing for you! Haven't you ever seen Of Mice and Men, Batman? You're supposed to shoot your own dog!

With the Bat Cave scene over, it's time to finish up Bruce and Jim's chat. Bruce Wayne tells Gordon that Batman has died. But Jim doesn't believe it for a second. And then Bruce is free to go because what do they really have on him anyway? A crazy ex-girlfriend threw his city in the yard and poured bleach all over it? Can't arrest the boyfriend for that!

When Bruce returns home, Alfred takes him out to the family plot where he finds Talia's body and Damian's body have both been dug up and stolen by grave robbers. It could be because somebody plans on resurrecting them. But it also could have been Alfred who moved the bodies so that Bruce wouldn't retire Batman! I suppose it also could have been Titus digging up the yard. I highly doubt it was some Batman arch-nemesis that has control over a pool that can bring people back to life. That would just be silly.

This Jim Gordon Narration Box was really nice.

There is an epilogue with Ra's al Ghul using Lord Deathman's blood to replace his Lazarus Pits. I suppose there's just enough of that fuzzy gray area between Preboot and Reboot history to explain why Lord Deathman isn't currently drifting through space in a tiny little metal box. And then Ra's al Ghul enters his backroom where he has many, many jars growing many, many Damians. I knew Batman could get a new Damian! I suggested a half-guinea pig or half-gerbil hybrid Damian as opposed to that stupid half-whale one, Bat-Thing. I wonder how many Fanboys are going to begin blasting Grant Morrison, once again, for stealing plot ideas from Spiderman! "Fuckin' clone wars now, hunh? Fuck you, Grant Morrison! Why'd you have to make Batman into Spiderman? So stupid! I can tell you're a hack writer because I was able to make a vague, wispy, barely there connection to a Marvel comic book! Plagiarist!"

Batman Inc #13 Rating: +1 Ranking! Woo hoo! Congratulations, Batman Incorporated! You are the first comic book to overtake Snyder's Batman at position #1! Too bad it's only for a microsecond since I'll be moving this comic book down to the retired section now! I'm a fan of writing and Morrison wrote this book right into the top slot of The New 52. Some people are fans of comic book characters or art or continuity; I think those people wouldn't even consider this comic in the top 25. My bias is always to the writing. Always. This book (and the previous Preboot version) was a lot of fun (except for the killing Damian part. That was not fun) and a great comic book experience.

The best part about this comic book ending is that it existed in a nebulous place in The New 52. For strict continuity lovers, it kind of mucks up the works. And I've seen a lot of people hate Chris Burnham's style. I love it but then I love artists that can actually produce art and have actually developed their own unique style. I'm reminded of the scene in Issue #1 when Batman and Robin are chasing the Goat Guy through the meat packing plant and the perspective is skewed as if looking through a fisheye lens. It's absolutely brilliantly done and shows what tight control Burnham has on his visuals. The look of this book has kick and personality. I prefer it far more than pages produced by artists like Jim Lee and David Finch.

Batman Incorporated #12

Batman, those kneepads are just silly. I approve.

Maybe I should finish reading my Preboot Batman Incorporated Trade Paperback before diving into this Final Battle! Also, I should take a nap. And eat breakfast. And play video games. Why am I suddenly trying to get out of reading comic books? When did it become such a chore?

Oh yeah. When I decided to blog about every stupid issue of The New 52. If I had a time machine, I'd go back to the beginning of 2012 and kick myself in the nuts. Then I'd point down at my face as I writhe in agony and I'd say, very sternly, "NO!"

Speaking of Time Machines, I think they've already been invented but people (past and future!) never realize (or realized or will realize!) that they need to be Time and Space Machines. So monkeys have probably been forced, screaming and kicking, into the Time Machine Prototypes. And then the machine is set for a minute or two into the future so that the scientists can witness it reappear. The machine disappears into time like it's supposed to but when two minutes have passed, no machine appears in the lab and the scientists go back to their drawing board to figure out what happened. Meanwhile, the Monkey dies freezing in outer space two minutes into his future as the Earth and our Solar System and the Galaxy have whizzed away from the Monkey's location. Of course I'm merely an internet scientist (that's a person that enters into forum discussions without any knowledge of anything but constantly does internet searches to make it seem like they can speak on a wide variety of topics) so I don't know how momentum would actually affect the way a Time Machine travels through space. I suppose since it doesn't actually exist within the two minutes that it's "leaping", it would simply reappear in the exact place in the universe where it leaped forward in time and then the momentum would keep it moving except in space instead of on Earth. And thus the time machine needs to be programmed to somehow travel through space as well as time. And those calculations are a lot harder than spinning a knob so it reads, "February 15th, 2388."

Anyway, I've now read Preboot Batman Incorporated because I hopped in my time machine that only moves forward in time and it does so in real time which gave me time to read the book in between last paragraph and this one. I love that Otto Netz's Alzheimer's Disease affects the way he traps Batman and his crew in continuously deteriorating spirals of repeated memories. I'd have to read it again to see how many things are repeated and doubled up on them selves across time and history, like Batwoman and Batwoman and the various Agent 33s. Talia pointing out that Leviathan is an acronym of her name with four or so extra letters was a nice bit too. Enough of old Preboot Material that I'm supposed to be ignoring (but can't since part of it came out during the Reboot anyway and Damian killed Otto Netz in this weird half and half Preboot/Reboot world that needed to be dealt with in Tomasi's Batman and Robin) because DC has changed, man, they've changed. Let's see Batman defeat BatThing and Talia now.

Oh Talia. If you'd just done a small amount of research by speaking with inmates at Arkham, you would have learned one very important thing: don't fucking poke The Batman.

I just had an idea for a story that I'd love to read. Batman, Aquaman, and Superman end up in some kind of Freaky Friday situation. Batman ends up in Aquaman's body, Aquaman ends up in Superman's body, and Superman ends up in Batman's body. Now Batman has to deal with being treated like a joke. I imagine he'd beat a lot of innocent people's teeth out of their heads. Aquaman gets to feel what it's like to be worshiped and admired. He'd probably find himself embarrassed by all the recognition. And Superman would find out what it's like to be absolutely feared. Not having to worry about his super strength hurting anybody, I wonder if Superman would take his fists out for a test drive on some of the loonies in Gotham?

Batman's army of bats have Man-Bat Antidote inside of them and they bite the Men-Bat back into simply Men. For Batman's part, he simply goes straight for BatThing.

Batman spends the next seven pages getting out his anger on the BatThing that killed Damian.

Meanwhile Red Robin and Nightwing find that rescuing Wingman doesn't take a whole lot of effort. The Headmistress of Spyral merely grabbed him up to remove a bad tooth and to let Batman Incorporated know that Spyral is out there handling the international super-criminal threat. Does this mean that once Grant Morrison finishes Batman Incorporated, we'll get a Spyral comic book that's kind of based on the same idea? Also, the Headmistress's identity is still not revealed. She has lips and a nose and black hair and teeth. And a left foot. Other than that, she's a complete mystery!

After realizing Jason Todd is cool, Nightwing makes it back in town to get out a little of his own anger.

I think I could accept Nightwing choosing to kill somebody because I trust he wouldn't make the decision lightly nor spiral out of control with more killing afterward. Of course once Batman gets a taste of it, look out Loony Bin!

Batman is horrified when he sees BatThing's real face: the face of bald Damian Wayne. BatThing was artificially aged but he still, like Superboy, has the mind of a child. Batman let's it go but Knight wants to kill BatThing for killing Knight. You know, when she was Squire. And since BatThing has to die but none of the heroes can kill it, Grant Morrison takes it upon himself to dish out a little justice by allowing lightning to strike the giant "W" on Wayne Towers which causes it to fall and crush BatThing.

Oh no, nevermind. The "W" just keeps Knight and the others from pursuing as BatThing escapes into Wayne Towers and back up to Talia.

Aubrey Plaza needs to play Talia in the Batman Incorporated movie.

Afterward, Talia blows up the top of Wayne Tower and heads off to the Batcave where Batman is waiting for her and the final battle.

Batman Incorporated #12 Rating: No change. If there are jars and jars of half-Damians/half-animals growing somewhere in the Middle East or Africa, can Batman find one with a gentle disposition and be happy with it? Maybe a Gerbil Damian? Or a Guinea Pig Damian? Or will Batman only be happy with the one, true Damian? Although I'm pretty sure that Damian was half German Shepherd.

Batman Incorporated #11

Yay! Batumano! And Sailor Robin!

So I was walking through Tokyo this one time and I happened to very extremely innocently wander into a red light district. As I'm walking past one particular club, the doorman in an expensive suit looks at me and calls out, "Hey American! American! You speak Japanese?" I do not and I told him so. He responds, "Too bad for you!" and finishes his statement with a mad cackle. I've always just assumed the place was a hostess bar or something similar but now I'm wondering if he wasn't just a Batman of Japan super villain! I bet he was recruiting for The Legion of We're Very Sorry for the Inconvenience.

Grant Morrison Chris Burnham begins the issue just trying to remind everybody that they're supposed to be sad.

Grant Morrison Chris Burnham, you're a dick. This actually made me really sad.

Now that everyone with any kind of feelings at all is thoroughly depressed and only the dicks with no hearts are wondering why the fuck  a forlorn cat in the rain at the grave of his friend should make anybody sad, the action moves to Tokyo where some super hot women are riding motorcycles and judging people for drinking coffee and bickering amongst their super sexy selves! They're all wearing helmets so I hope they don't eventually take the helmets off and show that they have fish faces because then I'm going to feel sick from having masturbated to this first page!

Of course I covered up the panel with Alfred the Cat! What do you think I am? A sick bastard?

The police arrive but they can't handle these women so they send out the Bat Alarm!

The Batman of Japan, Jiro, is having dinner with Canary inside an aquarium. I think this has something to do with all of those shrink ray jokes from earlier issues!

So that's why he wanted a shrink ray! So he could bang Canary!

Apparently Batman didn't lie about not having a shrink ray because Jiro and Canary are merely having dinner in a virtual reality space. But Batman does now know somebody with a Shrink Belt! Although if he works it so Jiro can borrow it, that kind of makes Batman Canary's pimp. Also, it might be a little weird helping Batman of Japan fuck his sidekick.

They don't have a Shrink Ray but they have a device that puts their costumes on for them.

I wish Grant Morrison had drawn this issue!

Actually, I'm probably pretty glad that Morrison didn't draw this issue since I like the look of it so far. I don't think I've seen anything drawn by Jorge Lucas so far. Also, does every Batman Incorporated Cave come with a dinosaur? I don't think Batwing got one. Maybe that's because he was Batwing and not another Batman. I see Jiro also has a bunch of tubes with different costumes in them just like Rotten Robbie of Lazytown has! I wonder if Rotten Robbie is the Batman of Lazytown?

I read Teen Titans #20 a few hours ago just before I drowned myself in the bathtub (I'm cursed to always rise again) and I may have mentioned how awful Scott Lobdell's writing was. He writes snarky, bullshit, unfunny, unbelievable young people and it's ruining The New 52's version of The Teen Titans. But I think I just found Scott Lobdell's replacement: Chris Burnham! This next page is better than every line of snark Lobdell has put to paper in the last year and a half.

Except that crack about the forty year old boyfriend. That hurt my feelings!

Jiro and Canary kind of get their asses handed to them by the Mighty Muffin Power Bikers. But Canary does manage to blow up one of their bikes with her tiny sonic scream which pisses them all off. But it also scares them because none of the others want to lose a motorcycle. They retreat and Jiro and Canary head back to the Batbase.

Jiro does some fancy Batman hokey pokey and discovers the location of the secret base of the Mighty Muffin Power Bikers. Except they might actually be more like Voltron.

Except they don't have a fat one.

They also don't have one named Jason, I don't think. And they don't have a young one or an unintelligible one or the one that's interchangeable with the leader but isn't the leader so he has to act like he doesn't really want to be the leader. This team just has five princesses. But they're far more entertaining than the princess from G-force! Not the guinea pig G-force! The Battle of the Planets G-force!

I think the green one might be my girlfriend!

Oh no! What do they mean they're sorry about what they are under the helmets?! Oh man, I knew it! They have fish heads, don't they!?

The next page begins with Jiro yelling "Bat-fluff!" and hurling his diamond tipped darts with nanotech destroying computer viruses embedded in them. And there's yet another moment I like so I guess I'll shove the comic book back into the scanner yet again! At least it's easier than writing!

Putting "bitches" at the end of any statement just makes that statement sound better. I append it to every single thing I say. Not everything I type, though! That would be annoying.

These darts cause the helmets to melt and reveal the faces of the women beneath. Umm. Oh. Ugh. I'll be right back.

Well, they didn't have fish faces but they did have melty gross disgusting cybernetics-gone-wrong faces! And because Leviathan did this to them and then abandoned them when they lost their looks, the Mighty Muffin Power Bikers decide to join forces with Batman of Japan and Canary to take down Queen Lady Tiger Fist! Lady Tiger Fist doesn't sound so threatening. I'd much rather get smacked by a tiger that was making a fist than one that was striking with an open paw full of claws.

Oh wait. Her fists are tiger heads. I think I'll pass on getting punched in the face by a tiger's bite.

Jiro and Canary trick Lady Tiger Fist into their virtual reality prison and cart her off to real prison. Then they get back into their own virutal reality world as quickly as possible so Canary can virtually "hold an apple" if you get my meaning. Except my meaning is the same as the actual meaning of the words because Canary really does decide to hold an apple. I think I used that phrase wrong. And then the comic book returns to Batman screaming his head off and flying off to meet Talia as Armored Batmanmanbatbatbatmanmanbat in Armor.

Batman Incorporated #11 Rating: No change. Although I should figuratively give it a +1 because this comic was a lot of fun. But it didn't continue the Batman Inc story and, besides, actually raising it a rank would knock Batman from the top spot. And I'm not quite ready to do that yet, bitches!

Batman Incorporated #10

This cover broke my Recursion Alert.

Hopefully we've put the death of Damian Wayne behind us now and we can get busy with the business of killing Batthing. Or how about an issue devoted to Halo? We haven't seen enough of Halo in this thing. It would do everybody a lot of good to see Halo on an ice cream adventure. Nobody could be sad after that. Especially if it ended in a hot bubble bath.

Batman's first stop on his long, three issue road to vengeance is to pick up Azrael. I'm pretty sure this is a different Azrael than the one I remember. I think I remember the first one. For some reason, I picture him as Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch. This Azrael is named Michael Lane so that's different than Jean-Paul Valley. I didn't remember that. Lord Google told me the original's name because I wanted to see if he looks like Cousin Oliver. He kind of does!

He's a little crazy but it sounds like he's got the uniform for the task.

While Batman is busy recruiting religious wackos, the al Wacko family discuss Damian's death. Ra's congratulates Talia on becoming a monster by having her son killed. Talia bitches that Damian wasn't supposed to be there and wouldn't have died if only that stupid fucking butler could have kept Damian on his leash. Talia gloats that her plan is perfect and Ra's fills her full of doubt by suggesting she missed one vital detail. There's some yelling and some laughing and some dirty looks. It's practically an episode of Leave It To Beaver.

Bruce Wayne is taking inventory of Batman Incorporated technology at Wayne Enterprises when he discovers something interesting.

So that's the big plan to keep everybody from figuring out Batman is Bruce Wayne? Damian is "out of the country"? But what about the rumors? Were those started by geniuses that finally made the connection between Batman & Robin and Bruce & Damian Wayne?

Even though that piece of shit Mayor Hady has given Leviathan everything it wants, Leviathan is still demanding more. Talia now wants Batman to surrender at 11 that night. How Hady is going to give her that, I don't know. I bet Hady is wishing he had a better relationship with Batman now instead of always wanting to arrest him or shut him down.

Red Robin and Nightwing are busy searching for Talia so they can destroy Leviathan once and for all. Ranger and the new Knight are busy searching for Wingman (that's Jason Todd!) and they think they may have found him. But since he's currently being used as a sex toy by the Women of Spider Island, I very much doubt he cares if he's rescued.

See? He's faking Stockholm Syndrome so he can continue to have lots and lots of spider sex with them.

I have no idea what Jason Todd knows. Perhaps if I'd read the Preboot Batman Incorporated, I might have some kind of an idea. Or not.

Meanwhile Batman has paid a visit to Kirk Langstrom and is now ready to surrender to Talia. But he's not going to surrender as Batman! He's going to surrender as Manbatmanbatmanbatbatmanmanbatmanbat. That certainly is terrifying!

Make that Armored Manbatmanbatmanbatbatmanmanbatmanbat in Armor.

Batman Incorporated #10 Rating: No change. Batman did visit Langstrom and he did inject something into his neck but he doesn't look very much like a Manbat in that last picture. Perhaps he's just emitting Bat Pheromones which is why he's being followed by an army of bats. Or perhaps the serum just gives him added strength or echo location or something. Or maybe it simply gives him the added strength to control the experimental bat skeleton armor Lucius Fox created for him. Whatever the case may be, Talia seems pretty shocked and upset that this is the way he decided to dress for the surrender.

Batman Incorporated #9

When is it going to be Batman's turn to be happy?

Last issue, Damian Wayne was killed by Talia al Ghu's Batthing. Since that issue, a bunch of other issues came out with most of the Bat Family in half-assed mourning. Batman and Robin #18 was the only other Batman title that I think needed to deal with Batman's grief. Batman #18 sort of dealt with it but in a way that highlighted that lovable street urchin Harper Row and her way gay little brother. The other Batman titles really should have just ignored the whole thing. I suppose I get to see Batman mourn all over again one more time here in the comic book that actually killed the little prick.

Okay. Second panel and I'm done!

How does Bruce actually cope with this? Damian was only ten or eleven years old! He was his son! Peter Tomasi wrote these two so well in the pages of Batman and Robin that The New 52, for the first time in my 25+ years of reading comic books, finally gave me a Robin that I liked. Hell, I loved the little prick! Their relationship was so fun to read at the hands of Tomasi. This might be the first time I've truly been sad about the death of a comic book character. If I'd been reading comic books at the time, I would have been very sad about Ted Kord's death as well. But I missed out on that one, so I don't count it. I thought I would be sad when Cerebus finally died but Sim was right about that one: that fucker died unloved and unmourned. Mostly due to Sim exasperating most of his readers with Cerebus's explication of Genesis.

So now I get to watch Batman bury his son. Yay! What a great morning!

Or maybe (hopefully!) the entire funeral will be taken up by Batman's flashback where he puts the Batthing in a coffin too. I'm pretty sure Batman is allowed to kill animals and since the Batthing came out of a whale's vagina, I think that makes him a whale. And while Aquaman might be a little bit pissed if Batman kills him, killing a whale doesn't go against any of Batman's ethical codes. But while Batman takes out his anger and grief on Batthing, Nightwing comes to and realizes he fucked up like a big fucking fucked up fuck up fucking up.

How do you feel about encouraging him now? I can't wait to see how how badly Alfred takes it since Alfred let him out of the house! I think Tim Drake had it right! Who's protecting these kids? You fucking enablers!

Nightwing immediately joins the fight against Batthing while Talia's thugs with the guns and arrows just stand by. They may have simply had orders to kill Damian because they could easily be doing the same thing to Nightwing and Batman that they just did to Robin. The Batthing fight's outcome is interrupted by Bruce saying some words at Damian's funeral. He says some things and then says Damian's death will be avenged. I think that means Damian's mother is going to have to die.

Meanwhile in London, Knight is given a hero's funeral. And then Squire takes on the mantle of Knight. That makes sense. You can't run around fighting criminals by yourself when your name is Squire. You'd be a laughingstock.

And while Batman and Alfred and Tim and Dick bury Damian without a thought as to how super heroes are constantly coming back to life, the Prime Minister of Britain, like a good comic book character, is keeping all options open in regards to Knight! Good for him!

"And don't forget, Prime Minister, the five hundred and sixty-two other ways to resurrect a person in our reality!"

And then things get really awful. Just. I mean. Come on, Bruce! Don't be a dick!

Not the vacation!

Stop blaming everybody else, Bruce. Hell, you can't even blame yourself for this one. Everybody did everything in their power to reign this kid in. Even Alfred couldn't have stopped him if he had actually tried. Damian's death is on two people: Damian and Talia. According to Ra's al Ghul, the kid may have been destined to house Ra's personality. But Talia only ever had one destiny in mind for this kid. He was simply a tool to be used to hurt Batman as much as he could be hurt.

Back to the fight with Batthing, Nightwing and Batman are both nearly beat when Red Robin uses the tank in the lobby of Wayne Enterprises to put a shell right up Batthing's ass. Batthing may be tough but he slinks off to heal after that one. Nightwing grabs up Robin's body and they retreat back to the Batcave.

With Gotham erupting into chaos and in the grip of Leviathan, the Mayor of Gotham (who, I think, is a total dick anyway), basically accepts surrender under some pretty shitty terms. Well, shitty for Batman and his friends.

People can barely stay alive with Batman allowed in the city! The residents of Gotham might as well just go lie down in their graves now.

Jason Todd has been captured by a bunch of women from the movie, The Horrors of Spider Island. And the rest of Batman, Incorporated is searching for him and for any clues as to what the Ouroboros Bomb is or how to stop it. And Batman finally breaks down after realizing what a true genius his son was when he examines Damian's greatest gift to the world.

Batcow would outsell most of The New 52 titles. Unless Scott Lobdell ended up writing it. Then it would be scenes of Batcow standing around chewing his cud while he Narration Boxes, "Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo. Moo."

Batman Incorporated #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. Anybody who doesn't like Batcow doesn't like freedom. Why isn't DC marketing the shit out of Batcow? I need a Batcow shirt right now! I wonder if Grant Morrison has retained all rights to Batcow. He's going to be sorry if he gave that one to DC for free!

Batman Incorporated #8

Spoiler! Robin. Is. Pregnant.

I'm glad the cover has this big spoiler on the front because comic book nerds are the worst at dropping spoilers (just look at my blog!). Standing at the counter in the comic book store waiting to get my comics from my pull box and they're all chattering to the owner about getting in more copies of this comic book. Luckily I have a way to tune out people talking about comic books, especially since the co-owner of the shop has a way of spoiling any comic book you look at. If you ask her for advice on a good comic to read, you won't have to read that comic because she'll tell you all the pertinent plot points right there and then. While nobody outright spoiled the comic for me (and I still don't know if this cover is telling me the truth), the fact that the shop was sold out and everybody was looking for this book has me suspicious that Morrison might actually pull the trigger on poor Damian. That would leave a pretty huge hole in the cover of the monthly Batman and Robin comic book though! Perhaps we'll find out that Batman Incorporated was taking place on an alternate Earth! Or more probably, Talia will just toss the little prick into a Lazarus Pit.

I'm reading this comic book ahead of schedule because I'm sure Tumblr will be full of scans of the thing soon. And if not soon then immediately because you're reading this which means my scans of Robin's death are now online! Oops! I spoiled myself!

If Robin does die, what's going to become of Batcow?

Batman Incorporated begins with Robin donning his Super Boy Wonder Suit and flying into Gotham to rescue everybody. He gasses the evil kids and saves Dick. Then he flies on to free Batman from the safe at the bottom of the pool because who fucking cares about Tim Drake and Jason Todd? It's not like they have anywhere interesting to be if they die. And by "interesting" I mean "worth reading."

Except I guess Damian trusts Batman's ability to escape the safe even though he's no Calvin Rose because Damian flies right by and crashes through a lobby window of Wayne Tower to save Tim Drake.

And Dick crashes through a different lobby window to save Damian! The richest people in Gotham must be in the repairing walls and fixing windows business. Right after the setting bones, fixing teeth, and digging graves career paths.

And once Dick and Damian find a bit of cover, they remind me that I should probably pick up some Preboot collections highlighting Dick as Batman.

Dick and Alfred are going to feel so guilty for allowing Damian to partake of this adventure.

A lot of ass kicking happens in the next few panels and then Talia's Batthing comes down the elevator to put a stop to all of this sudden heroic nonsense. It tosses Nightwing aside so that it can go toe to toe with the real threat in the room: Robin the Boy Wonder. I wish I could go back in time and read that sentence to my fifteen year old self. He sure would get a laugh out of that statement. And then he'd tell me to get the fuck out and there's no way I was from the future if I thought Robin could ever be a bad ass killer. And I'd say, "No no! I really am you from the future!" And he'd sneer, "Prove it!" And I'd say, "Remember that time in 9th grade when we were in the library passing notes back and forth to our huge crush, Marilyn Mendoza, and she passed one to us that said, 'You're weird.' And we passed one back that said something that I can't fucking remember but then she passed the note back that said, "I love you anyways.' And then we totally chickened the shit right out and stopped passing notes and nearly died and fucked up our chances with her?" And he'd start crying because that happened just the year before and the pain was still too much to take. And I'd be, "Um, yeah, well, I'd better be going now."

This guy already killed Knight. Will Batthing score a second kill of the night?

While Robin and Batthing battle, Ellie (whoever she is!) gets away with the World Meta Bomb (whatever that is!). Batman escapes from his underwater safe during the fight. And then the fight is over.

I don't know if Batthing gets this kill or not. Robin could have been mortally wounded by any number of arrows or bullets he was hit with by Talia's other thugs.

Well, it looks like it's Lazarus Pit time! Since Robin was biologically engineered to be Ra's al Ghul's new body, he should be a perfect match for Lazarus Pit resurrection. Although that's fucking Jason Todd's story. I guess there's always Amanda Waller's Samsara Project. Or whatever resurrection techniques Regulus and Basilisk have figured out. And you can't forget DC is full of magic types! Also, you simply can't count this kid down yet! He's a tough little bastard and I haven't turned the page to see if he gets decapitated or anything. Alfred still might be able to heal him by brewing an extra strong pot of tea.

Well, at least he's not pregnant.

Batman Incorporated #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm telling you all: Grant Morrison plays by a different set of rules than all the other writers at DC. This (or something similar) is how Death of the Family should have ended! All the hoopla over that crossover and DC doesn't give the green light on killing someone. But over here in Batman Incorporated, Grant Morrison stealthily kills yet another Robin. Unless I'm wrong about the stealthily. Although I imagine this would have been spoiled for me a lot sooner than looking at the cover if it had been more widely known. I did notice that the cover on DC's website for the comics out this week was a different cover than this big old RIP thing.

Batman Incorporated #7

It seems the only people Batman fights anymore are the citizens of Gotham: The Saturn Club victims, The Scarecrow's victims, The Mad Hatter' victims, The Joker's victims, Leviathan's victims. I know I'm forgetting some others!

Batman was falling to his death at the end of the last issue thanks to some giant tank of a Batthing created by Talia. Storming the location of Batman's imminent death was the gang of children seen on the cover. But not to worry! Robin was on his way to save the day! And by save the day, I mean give himself up to his mother to save Gotham and then beat the shit out of Talia himself after which she'll tell him to just kill her but he won't and that will prove that Batman has beaten her!

Except this comic book was written by Grant Morrison so I imagine that even a Master Comic Book Reader like me doesn't have the chops to figure out where his plots are going.

Of course you're too late! He was falling out of the building before you were even on your Bird-Cycles!

Batman does not hit the pavement before his kids arrive because he's snatched out of the air by a Manbat. And Damian is still nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he's behind the others because he's riding Batcow into battle with Titus at his side and Alfred perched on his shoulder. The cat not the butler!

Traktir and Spidra, members of Batman Incorporated, at Talia's Bio-factory in Yemen have located the corpse of a whale that died giving birth, apparently to Talia's new Batthing. Damian is still in the batcave like he was told. That's surprising! When is he going to ditch Pennyworth and get his ass back into combat? Perhaps he knows he pushed his father one too many times so far. One more time and Batman will drive Damian to Talia's front door and push him out of the Batmobile without even stopping. In the meantime, Damian has animals to take care of.

Vegetarians owning cats! Fucking hypocrites! Ouch! I just hurt my own feelings!

My cats must think I'm just a gigantic selfish asshole when I won't share my food with them. Although when I offer, they never want it! Unless it has cheese on it. Yes, I eat dairy. I'm part of the enslavement and ill-treatment of hundreds of thousands of dairy animals! But God made farmers, right? He wants us to partake of the fruits of the subjugated and oppressed! I'm actually not against eating dairy in theory. In theory, these animals' ancestors made a pretty sweet fucking deal with our ancestors to provide sustenance for protection and care. But like I said, in theory! Today, most dairy animals are very much tortured for the products they provide. I know better but I'm still too lazy to do my homework and only partake of cheeses and ice creams (that's pretty much it for my dairy intake!) from respectable farmers. Or actual farmers. I don't think you can count the people working the gigantic factory farms as farmers. So yeah. Some fucking vegetarian I am! Just as lazy as the meat-eaters. But it's a process! I'm still working on it! Enlightenment isn't like a curtain falling all at once! It's like a really long nap. Or hike. One of those.

I'm a sucker for panels depicting Damian playing with Alfred, so here's some more kitten pictures.

The scratches all over Damian's arm is a nice touch. I feel you, Damian!

Meanwhile shit is going down all over Gotham. Tim Drake is nearly blown up in a trap following Batman's Utility Belt tracer. Jason Todd is zapped by Hood who has decided Batman Incorporated is over and it's time to get the hell out. Nighwing and Commissioner Gordon are being attacked by mind-controlled children. Batman has been stuffed in a safe and tossed into a swimming pool. And Talia is about to unleash Otto Netz's Oroboro meta-bomb. Is it time for Damian to save the day yet?!

Awww! Who fucking cares? Look at da widdle adimals!

I guess Alfred Pennyworth cares!

Oh Alfred! Always covering your own ass!

Turns out Alfred doesn't have to cover his own ass. Damian has already hacked the security protocols and is able to do Bruce's voice so well, he fools the voice recognition locks. Alfred is duly impressed and promises to take care of Robin's pets while he's off to save The Goddamned Batman.

Batman Incorporated #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I really should get around to reading Morrison's Preboot run on Batman Incorporated and Batman and Robin. It's just I don't have any time to read all of the shit I currently own! How do people do everything they want to do each week when they work 40 hours of that week? I guess if I made myself work forty hours, I'd earn twice as much but I don't think it would be fucking worth it! Although I could hire somebody to work the other twenty hours and pay them slave wages with no benefits. But then I can strut around saying, "I'm a job creator!" and everyone can congratulate me and slap me on the back and think, "There goes a true American hero!" Meanwhile my worker will get appendicitis and die. But that just means another job opening that I can fill while expecting the person filling it to be grateful!

America! Fuck yeah!
My cat Judas, the model.