Green Lantern #17

But the Third Army hasn't been stopped yet. Has it?

I just realized that this blog is work! Why didn't anybody tell me? It's the pace that's really starting to wear on me. What was DC Comics thinking publishing fifty-two titles a month?! They certainly didn't have my best interests at heart. I think I need to outsource about half of these commentaries. And since I'm not a huge fan of Green Lantern, perhaps I'll begin with this comic book! And since my comic book has two covers because it's a fucking mutant, I'll start over by scanning in the second cover and handing the reins to my new second-in-command, the old guy in the cowboy hat that just sits and spits on the corner! I think his name is Francis or Walther but everyone just calls him Cowboy Joe.

This hyar seems to be some kind of newfangled serialized picture book.

Let's see hyar. This hyar picture story begins ten billion years ago. That's an awful long time. Seems like that ain't hardly a number anybody'd know nothing about. Seems purty ridiculous by my reckoning. Some blue guy named Krona has taken it upon hisself to witness the keeration of the unyverse. Some other blue guy name of Ganthet starts wailing like some gigantic pussy all fancied up in ruffles and lavender gloves. But that steely eyed Krona ain't got time for no coward talk. He's agonna watch hisself the keeration of the unyverse and that's that.

I think that mealy mouthed fellow what gave me this book to read says he's gonna stick in some picture hyar or something. He told me to circle the pictures I'd want should go with my scribblin'. He said he'd say somethin' on those so the idjits what read his log won't feel like they's gettin' shortchanged fer want of his usual ramblings.

Krona is advanced enough to see the creation of the universe but not advanced enough to realize that the mere act of observation changes that which is observed? Shame on him!

That thar Krona fella, he witnesses what looks like an untolerable big orifice, gaping huge and spewing forth all the matter of the unyverse. And the hand pulling that orifice wide open's got this ring on its finger. And ain't nobody in tarnation outta have to witness nothin' like this. They's warnings 'bout lookin' at this kinda thing fer good reason. Once all these blue guys put eyes on that mighty hole, ever'thang blows up in their faces. All what's left after this hullabaloo is that blue guy Ganthet and some new space man with an ol' train-yard lantern.

This is Volthoom traveling through time before Flashpoint existed. Does that make sense? If Flashpoint exists across time, shouldn't it always exist? Since it makes no Goddamned sense, I think Flashpoint is just a big myth.

That was the end of all that nonsense. Ridiculous! Knowing what coulda been ten bajillion years in the past. Why's anybody gotta know that? What good is it gonna do, all said and done? "Whoopee! Look at me! My name is Krona and now I know how the unyverse were made!" Now how is that supposed ta put food on yer table? People sayin' they need meanin' ta it all. I got yer meaning to it all! It's just life! It's harsh and it's mean and occasionally ya git yer prick wet or yeah et a really good peach or sometimes yer horse nudges ya in the shoulder in just that playful way he does when yer gittin' so sick and tired of it all. And that nudge is sayin', "It's you and me, Francis. We's all we got and have ya got a carrot cause that'd jus' 'bout hit the spot right now." And that jus' 'bout makes ever'thing all right agin. And ya shoulder yer pack and you pull the boots on over yer blistered feet and ya git the fuck back on the trail. Cause what the fuck else is there? Ain't no God gonna help you git down the trail ta find yer next meal. You trust in god, yer gonna starve. Ain't no "big bang" gonna make life any happier than you alone can make the lot ya been thrown in on anyhow. Only thing I ever learned is more learnin' just makes more questions. And who the fuck has got the time for more of those?

Gettin' back to this hyar picture book, it seems that guy on the cover of this serialized pamphlet ended up in some space prison with some other guy name of Black Hand. I know in my day, you stick a fella with the nickname 'a Black and that usually meant that guy was a righteous asshole. Seems ta be the same case in space. This hyar Black Hand is takin' it on hisself to kill this Green Lantern if'n he don't help him escape. Always a guy with an attitude fucks it up fer ever'buddy else. If'n this guy wants ta escape his cell, wouldn't it be better ta have two fellas thinking up a means of egress? But guys nicknamed "Black" always seem to want to take out they anger on anyone in the room. They's the guys always gotta make sure ever'one in the saloon hears 'em enter and ever'one in the saloon usually takes a nice long hard stare at the bottom of their bottle while he takes a seat. Smart guys already got their epitaphs planned out and none of 'em want ta see it changed to "Bob glanced at the wrong guy. Too bad the bullet didn't do the same to Bob."

Some more of them blue guys but shorter and hairier are also holed up in a space prison cell adjacent to the Black Hand's cell. I think they was wardens got themselves switcheroo'd by the Black Hand or the other crazy blue skinned fellas.

Well that explains what happened to the Borg Lanterns! Volthoom wakes up and POOF! Out like a candle!

Some skeletal looking guy named Volthoom has them blue men trapped in a bubble. He's some kind of first Lantern and seemingly the most powerful being in all time and existence. He's the kinda man can call your mother a whore and ya can't do nothin' but agree with him. Them is some kind of men and thankfully ya don't meet those men much. Oh, ya can't walk ten feet without bumpin' inta tha kind what can't keep their mouths shut even when they aughtta. Them kind is a dime a dozen and the kind ya either punch in the jaw or pay no heed cuz ya know they jus' scared and full 'a bluster. But this other kind of man...well, ya don't fuck with that man. He has power of all sorts and he knows he has power and he Goddamned definitely knows you know. He's the kind of man that don't never get killed in conflicts or confrontations. Usually he get killed by some hot tempered kid what don't know the weight of the man's name and feels a slight that come on without warning. But that kinda kid don't last long enough usually to even meet a man full of real power anyway.

This hyar Volthoom Lantern guy is the space man from ten billion years ago, so he's acquainted with the blue guy named Ganthet. So they parlay for a bit about what coulda been had Ganthet not stuck a knife in Volthoom's back billions of years ago.

So Volthoom is powerful enough to warp reality. He doesn't even need to time travel! He just changes the past through people's memories! Or, you know, something.

Volthoom goes pokin' about in Ganthet's past and starts rearranging his furniture. Volthoom causes them blue men to not lose their emotions because that was one 'a their major fucked up decisions. But changin' tha past apparently changes the future or at least disrupts it. Cause Green Lantern Simon Baz changes to Green Lantern Abin Sur fer a bit while Black Hand changes from dead to alive. And alla that cause them blue men didn't stop learnin' ta love. But then they change back agin fer some reason. I ain't gonna pretend I unnerstand all this science majigger stuff. It jus' seems like somebody makin' stuff up and not carin' how the goldarned universe would really react. Seem ta me the Green Lantern aughtta have turned into his normal self and not a completely different person. But I get the point. Reality ain't quite up to snuff with Volthoom muckin' about in time.

Anyhow, Volthoom has been locked up fer too long and cain't make his change permanent. Good thing cause all this hyar serialized pamphlet needs is some character goin' about makin' all sorts of crazy changes to the way things was. Imagine if this hyar story suddenly had all of its history taken away or changed up on the reader! By golly! What a prank that would turn out to be!

Volthoom ain't quite got the power he had afore he were imprisoned, so he's gotta go drain some mistakes and regrets out of some characters what have emotion since these hyar blue men are logical like school marms. He wanders off to the seventeenth issue of some periodical called Green Lantern Corps while that other Green Lantern fella gets zapped inside the ring of that Black Lantern bully.

Whoops!

Green Lantern #17 Rating: I guess this hyars where I'm supposeta say how much I reckon I liked this periodical. It passed the time in a fair fashion. Seems I could justify givin' it a +1 Rankin', seein' as how I ain't too partial ta readin' but the pictures helped me along in a right enjoyable way. But I ain't got time to read the others in this stack that fuckin' dandy left hyar for me. I ain't got time to wallow in this kid's stuff. Life is for livin' with others, not sittin' in the dirt alone readin' made-up fantasy stories.

Red Lanterns #16

This issue was destined to be a Third Army crossover according to early adverts. But now the Manhunters have nowhere to go. Sad face.

The Third Army crossover ended in Green Lantern Corps Annual #1. But it didn't really end. Unless all of the Third Army had descended on Oa and all of the Third Army were killed when the comic book turned white and just ended without any real resolution, then they must still be a threat to the universe. But the Crossover's title has now changed to The First Lantern which means Volthoom is the new threat and the Third Army will probably simply hang around being a nuisance instead of nearly ending all life in the universe. It's kind of typical in comic books for a threat to be overwhelming and unbeatable for a few issues and then the hero gets his second wind, punches the deadly threat in the nose, and the fight is over. So I can accept that the Third Army is defeated. You know. In comic book terms.

But now what is Atrocitus going to do with his Manhunter army? Last issue ended with them attacking him but the cover makes it look like he has them under control and feeding the Red Lantern Battery. So maybe that's their job now. Shall we see?

Forget everything I wrote previously. I guess this is a Third Army Crossover! Stupid cover not claiming it's part of The Third Army crossover and showing the wrong artist to boot!

Atrocitus quickly calms down the Manhunters by killing their leader. Their leader is easily recognizable as the Robot-Man that can say more than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!" If there is another leader in the Manhunter's midst, he's smart enough to not say anything incriminating. Like "Hello" or "How are you?" or "No Woman Escapes the Manhunters!" He just stands around looking stupid like the rest of them.

Meanwhile Rankorr is down on Earth trying to prove he's a real Red Lantern. But he's going about it all wrong. He's still making constructs and he's killing the man that killed his grandfather instead of torturing him for years. And he's also still so hung up on not being there for his grandfather that he's making guilt-inducing constructs to torment himself!

What a dumb dumb!

Stupid humans with their stupid spectrum of emotions. Don't they know that once they become a specific Lantern, they're supposed to leave all of those other emotions behind? I wonder what color Lantern is associated with Guilt? The Gray Lantern Corps? The Catholic and/or Jewish Lantern Corps? Are Catholic and Jewish colors?

Atrocitus does a Blood Ritual with the Manhunters to bind them to him. I forgot that he and his Manhunter army actually take part in the final issue of The Rise of the Third Army. They fly in like an angry robotic space cavalry to distract the Third Army while Kyle Rayner lights everyone up with his new White Lantern Powers. So I already know the ending to this comic book! I hate when that happens. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. I mean, I'm wasting the time that I'm already wasting but to a greater degree than I'd like! Not that anything isn't merely wasting time. What constitutes a non-waste of time? Feeding a child? Curing a disease? Making a really fucking good burrito? I actually think the only time a person wastes is the time doing things they don't want to fucking do. Screw that "It builds character" bullshit! We all end up spending a certain amount of time doing things we don't want to do. Of course, if they enable us to have more time to do the things we want to do, then that time isn't actually wasted either, is it? I'm pretty sure spending time doing something and wasting time doing something are really just the same thing except somebody is judging someone by stating it the latter way. So forget everything I said about wasting time. No such thing. We're all just speeding to our doom so do whatever the fuck you want to with that time. Except, you know, being a dick. Don't be a dick. That's a waste of time.

Apparently all Atrocitus is known for is being a dick because he comes up with a plan that is so unlike him, it causes a Manhunter to say something other than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!"

I don't think Atrocitus believes anything. He just gets mad at stuff and barfs on it.

I'm pretty sure Atrocitus's "plan of cunning" is merely to get mad at the Guardians and barf on them. He'll probably get mad at the Manhunter for speaking and barf on it. It's just kind of the only thing he knows. And I love him for it. He has the sensibility of a cat.

On Ysmault, Ratchet has finally decided he knows why the Red Lantern Battery isn't charging: Ysmault is a vampire planet. If this weren't a comic book, I'd think that was the stupidest theory ever. I'd also think it was pretty amazing that an actual alien existed. And he was a member of a raging Corps of Red Lanterns with lava running through their veins. That would probably be pretty stunning if it weren't a comic book. I'd also probably be dead or a vampire because I would have tried to get Vampire Tig to love me. And I'd probably believe in Gods and Magic and Devils too! I guess comic book reality isn't very far off from some people's view of the real world, is it?

So Ratchet digs down into Ysmault to prove his theory somehow. I don't know. Maybe he thought he would find Ysmault's stomach full of blood or something. Instead he finds Atrocitus's old frenemies, the Inversions. But that's probably a plot for some future issue. Right now, Rankorr has to deal with some heavy shit down on Earth.

Does this make me crazy? Thinking like Bleez?

When did Bleez and I begin sharing the same brain? She also tells Rankorr he's too human to be a Red Lantern but too Red Lantern to be human. And once she has him all nice and doubting and pitiful and pouty, she tries to eat his blood. Not to kill him or anything. She just wants the power to make constructs and believes by tasting his blood, she can have that power. I guess that answers my question about the other Red Lanterns and their ability to make constructs. Rankorr doesn't say no but he hesitates for about one second, enough time for Bleez to pretend he needs some more motivation.

She was obviously just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

Rankorr refuses, tells her she's too dangerous for his cock constructs, and flies away. Bleez stays behind for a few panels so she can dramatically state that she was truly one hot piece of ass and nobody turns down her sexual advances and now she's Rankorr's sworn enemy. So basically nothing much has really changed. Bleez hated him then wanted something from him so acted nice then hated him when she didn't get it. So typical of her gender race species individual personality and indicative of her past actions.

While Atrocitus sends his Manhunters to Green Lantern Corps Annual #1, he heads to Maltus, the old home of the Guardians. Deep within its core, he finds the thing he was looking for. I don't know what it is but it looks like a bank of televisions with sphincters. As Atrocitus approaches, ghost heads begin floating out of the sphincters. And one of them is an old frenemy!

Krona! I think disembodied spectral head living in a sphincter television is a step up from corpse continuously fucked by Atrocitus night after night.

Red Lanterns #16 Rating: No change. I was discussing how shitty political cartoons are with my friend Doom Bunny this morning. Sometimes they make barely any sense and other times the artist feels the need to over explain them. So I decided to boil down the essence of the Political Cartoon and make my own template for a Political Cartoon that can be used over and over again. Here it is with a commentary on Green Lantern!

If used in newspapers aimed at the gay community, both the penis and ass could be labeled with sympathetic things, like "Candy!" on the penis and "Everybody!" on the ass. The template itself doesn't judge! Just the people who put the words on it!

Green Lantern Corps Annual #1

Will the Guardians learn to stop worrying and love themselves?

I thought it was odd that the Rise of the Third Army was ending in the Green Lantern Corps Annual so I dug out a Zero Issue from each week in September until I stumbled upon the advert for the Crossover in The Phantom Stranger. This ad claims the crossover takes place in New Guardians #13-16, Green Lantern #13-16, Green Lantern Corps #13-16, and Red Lanterns #13-16. I guess somewhere along the way, DC decided to not end the crossover in the pages of Red Lanterns, so Red Lanterns #16 doesn't have the Third Army banner on the cover. Although the cover shows Atrocitus with his army of Manhunters which was part of the Third Army story. Perhaps that will just carry over to the First Lantern Crossover that will be happening next (if that's a crossover!). But now I have to pay an extra two dollars for the final issue of Rise of the Third Lanterns? What if I was budgeting my comic books according to your advert, DC? I'd have to go without learning how it all ends! This is almost as bad as the time DC put out the advert that Mr. Freeze was going to make his debut in the Batman Annual and then Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws trumped Batman's Annual! That was so disappointing.

The only thing anybody actually learned from that last paragraph is that I spend too much time thinking about DC's advertising.

The Rise of the Third Army's conclusion begins with Guy, Simon, and B'dg hanging out on the moon wondering what their next move is going to be. How are they going to know about Hal and Sinestro's plan to stick Indigo rings on the insane Guardians? You know what? I don't even like that plan. That plan leaves the Guardians alive to pull this kind of shit again in another billion years. I think it's about time to just shove them all into the anti-matter universe leaving the Green Lantern Corps as a worker owned company. Down with the little blue man! Up with masturbation!

The plan they come up with is simple: Guy Gardner heads back to Oa, finds Kilowog, gets his ring back, warns the Corps, and saves the day. Unless he doesn't save the day. That's where the other part of the plan comes in: Baz and B'dg find Hal Jordan so that Hal Jordan can head back to Oa, find Kilowog, get his ring back, warn the Corps, and save the day! Gardner gets a space suit from B'dg's ring and heads to Oa. B'dg and Baz open the Book of the Black and are sucked inside and transported elsewhere.

I forgot about the Black Lantern Corps in the Masturbation Mythos! But with a guy name Black Hand leading that group, seems like it might represent the negative side of too much masturbation (is that a thing?).

Gardner makes it to Oa and teams up with Kilowog and some other Lanterns I don't recognize. Most of the Corps have been trapped in a stasis field created by the Guardians. If they can't move, they can't touch themselves inappropriately. The Guardians believe that they've taken care of all but one of the human Green Lanterns so they turn their attention to finishing off John Stewart. They send their army to kill him and assimilate Mogo. I have no idea how they intend to have their Borg Lanterns assimilate a planet. Or why they'd even want to. Do planets masturbate? Is that what earthquakes and volcanoes are? Eww. Was Mount St Helens just a gigantic bukake across the faces of everyone in the Northwest? Was Krakatoa a worldwide facial? This planet is disgusting.

Mogo lives again and destroys the approaching Third Army with his ejaculate. Or her ejaculate.

For ancient, immortal geniuses, the Guardians are pretty stupid. Or perhaps they're just arrogant. Every single one of their plans has failed so far and yet they continue on as if each step has been completely successful. I guess I wouldn't be too worried that the narcissistic Hal Jordan or the overconfident Guy Gardner or the self-doubting John Stewart or the Cartoonist Kyle Rayner could stop any of my plans either. I might worry about Sinestro though. I certainly wouldn't worry about the rest of the Green Lantern Corps since they just provide funny looking physiques to fill in the backgrounds in the crowd scenes.

Yeah, you fucking pervs.

More lectures from these jerks? Thankfully Guy interrupts. He distracts the Guardians long enough for Kilowog and the others to free the entire Corps from the Guardians' grasp. And then the war for Oa begins as the Borg Lanterns descend on the planet. The war lasts for about three seconds and then Kyle and the other New Guardians (minus one Red Lantern) arrive to begin disintegrating Borg Lanterns. Guy gets his ring back and everyone begins using Atrocitus's plan to blast the Borg Lanterns in their eyes. Did Atrocitus send that message out? Maybe in Red Lanterns #16 which I haven't read yet and doesn't say it's part of the Third Army. But it must be because here comes Atrocitus's army!

It's nice to see all of the Guardians' armies playing nicely.

The Borg Lanterns begin losing power and the Manhunters, New Guardians, and Green Lantern Corps begin closing in on the Guardians. Ganthet's last gambit is to draw more power from the First Lantern, Volthoom. In doing so, Volthoom escapes his prison and, well, um...I don't know. Everything just goes white.

It's a good thing I don't rank Annuals because this is a bullshit ending to the Rise of the Third Army. No, no. It's not an ending at all! It's just another goddamn Geoff Johns crossover that never fucking ends! It just changes it's name!

Green Lantern Corps Annual #1 Rating: It may have been written by Peter J. Tomasi but this thing has Geoff Johns' stink all over it!

New Guardians #16

Time to see Kyle get his brains fucked out by the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog.

According to the first page of New Guardians, Kyle Rayner's ability to show love is severely retarded. It's a queer thing, seeing as how he grasped the other emotions so quickly. I just assumed everyone would have a gay old time while Kyle learned about loving and caring for others. But I was fucking wrong about that shit because his cunt of an old man ditched his ass when he was just six years old. So, you know, he kind of began burying his feelings or something.

Since tapping into his early years when his father left didn't pan out, the Star Sapphires try another moment when he should have been able to express his feelings.

G'nort! Arisia! Tomar-Re! The crystal guy, umm, Chaselon! Kilowog! Salaak! B'dg (or Ch'p. But it looks more squirrely than badgery). And the other lesser known human Green Lanterns!

I'm glad G'nort has been acknowledged as existing (or having existed since this is a flashback) in The New 52. That was all I really needed to know. The other character I can't wait to see is Ambush Bug since he obviously exists in The New 52 whether DC wants him to or not. A change in continuity can't hold him back!

As the narrative finds its way out of Kyle's memories and back to Zamaron (which has now found its way back to Sector 1416 where it belongs), we learn that Sapphire 3 (the female Kilowog) does not have enough time to get past first base and really teach Kyle about love because Ganthet is coming to kill Kyle Raynor. DC has really gone crazy on the "shoot your own dog" motif this month. I probably should have been keeping a list detailing every moment when someone needed to end the life or put a stop to someone they were responsible for. I think it's all leading up to Batman shooting his insane clown dog in the creek with the rest of the Bat-family hot on their trail looking for blood.

And then the meeting that will eventually teach Kyle how to love begins.

In the next panel, Ganthet "FWASHES" Kyle. Some of you now what that means. I just thought it was too awkward to scan because who wants to see the man you think of as your father's vagina?

Kyle and Ganthet battle to a stalemate until the Star Sapphires arrive to help him. It's at this point that Kyle begins to show that he loves Ganthet although he's still very hesitant couching it in terms like "Don't kill him!" and "I'd promise Sayd I'd save him!" Come on, Kyle! You'll never save him while you continue to hide behind ulterior motives for not wanting to destroy him. You want him to live because you WUV HIM!

Just as Kyle and the Star Sapphires have Ganthet on the ropes, his army of Borg Lanterns appears looking to destroy love since love often leads to masturbation when one partner is simply too tired or ejaculates early and falls asleep on top of you. And the Guardians of the Universe simply can't have any of that going on in their Universe. But the Star Sapphires are hyper-focused on taking out Ganthet and they just kind of ignore the Borg Lanterns.

And then Ganthet FWASHES Kyle one more time, nearly killing him. That's totally understandable.

And just like a scene from Halloween some after school special, as Kyle lies there mortally wounded by the man he considered his father, he learns the greatest lesson of all! Love stinks. I mean, love is forgiveness. Kyle forgives his dad and forgives himself and forgives Ganthet too. But Kyle should also realize that this means rage is forgiveness too, right? Maybe rage is the not forgetting part! Anyway, it's not really important what love is. Is it really forgiveness or is it actually manipulation? Not even the greatest philosophers or that tootsie pop owl can answer that question! Anyway, learning his lesson, Kyle becomes the first man in the universe to wield love effectively and thus transform into The Rainbow Lantern!

His new name should be RAF W. HCL!

Now when Kyle uses his power, his ring says, "Life." And then all of the Borg Lanterns disintegrate and Ganthet runs away with his ponytail between his legs. And now that Kyle can destroy the Borg Lanterns with a wave of his hand, that means that a large percentage of the universe's population is about to be wiped out. Since, you know, so many of them have already been converted. Time to teach those Borg Lanterns that any love is good love!

New Guardians #16 Rating: No change. Is that all it takes to become the most powerful person in the universe? To be the most angry, selfish, intimidating, stubborn, optimistic, and caring lover in the universe? Damn. I should be a White Lantern! I get through all of those emotions every time I masturbate! Is the fact that Kyle is now all in white and shoots white goop out of his fingers a metaphor for something?

Green Lantern #16

Would the inclusion of B'dg make this cover too silly? If you're going to seriously include a space squirrel in your drama, at least allow him on the cover in serious moments.

The very first text box in Green Lantern #16 says, "This takes place before Green Lantern Corps #16." You know what would have been helpful seeing as how both Green Lantern Corps #16 and Green Lantern #16 came out the same week? If Green Lantern Corps had begun with a box saying it took place after Green Lantern #16! At least Green Lantern Corps #16 didn't rely too heavily on plot points that the reader couldn't extrapolate for himself after the events of Green Lantern #15. But this is still an example of the DC Editors fucking up. Very slightly. But still! A fuck up!

What a sassy space squirrel.

For an organization that's millions of years old (unless it's just thousands), you'd think they'd be prepared for recruitment better than they are. B'dg acts like this is the first time a Green Lantern has received a ring without proper training. The way the ring recruits, you would suspect this to be the norm. It's not like the battery goes flying about with the ring on the trip to find a new bearer. How many recruits are killed without realizing the ring can run out of power and decide to take a short flight through space when the power gives out? There are some severe safety issues with this item. And the Guardians are way too pompous to care. Bastards.

Somebody finally believes that Simon Baz is innocent of the terrorism charge and it's a good thing it's an FBI agent. Agent Fed makes a call in to Waller to let her now not to worry about the new Green Lantern while Simon and B'dg head off to find Simon's Battery. And maybe look for Hal Jordan a little bit.

I thought the Green Lanterns stopped shoving their batteries into pocket dimensions? And if they can do that with the ring, why can't they teleport like the Indigo Lanterns? Accessing a single spot in a pocket dimension from anywhere in space seems like just a minor step away from using the ring to teleport?

Because Simon Baz is smart enough to realize this whole Green Lantern Corps has a fuckload of flaws in its system, he decides to carry a gun as well. Because if you really want to feel safe, nothing better than wearing a gun on your hip! Although to truly feel safe, you don't want any guns on anybody else's hips especially if they have brown skin and Arabic tattoos or look like they belong in NWA. I'm pretty sure most hypocrites in the NRA wouldn't feel bad about a law that banned minorities from owning guns. Because whether it's being said or not, you know there is a lot of racial motivation in play for a lot of pro-gun people. Now me? I'm just glad that fucking squirrel isn't packing.

With B'dg's help, Simon Baz finally extricates the two messages from the ring. They don't actually give him any pointers on becoming a Green Lantern. I wonder if there is a third message that usually plays, kind of like one of those old educational films that were often ludicrous and offensive by today's standards. The message from Hal Jordan tells Baz (and B'dg) that the Guardians are fucking cuckoo but Hal thinks he knows how to help them. He also mentions that he and Sinestro were sucked into The Black Hand's ring. Oh? Is that where they went? I had no idea! And then he finishes up with some nonsense about how much he loves Carol Ferris. No, no you don't, Hal Jordan. You just love the idea of having a normal love affair while being allowed to gallivant across the galaxy punching aliens in the face (unless their genitals look like their faces and then Hal punches them in the genitals).

And then Simon taps into Sinestro's message.

Yeah, I don't think Arkillo will be much help anymore. He and his new best friend Saint Walker are doing just fine without Sinestro.

I like Sinestro's plan better than Hal Jordan's plan. I was really hoping that this crossover would obliterate the Guardians of the Universe once and for all. I suppose the core group of Guardians will be defeated or changed by Indigo Power Rings and the normal Guardian Duties will be taken up by the Bohemian group of Guardians that were guarding the first Green Lantern. The other thing I really like about the mix of messages is how Simon Baz is the one guy on Earth most like both Hal and Sinestro. So he has a good mix of their qualities. Hopefully he has all of their bad qualities! Then he'd be an arrogant idiot that demands order at any cost.

Except create F-18 missiles. You have to use it to steal those.

After telling Simon that the ring can do anything he wills it to, B'dg has to quickly backtrack and eat his words after Simon tries to use it to cure his comatose brother-in-law. "Oh, um, yeah. Did I forget to mention it doesn't work to heal things? Kind of need a Blue Lantern for that. Whoops!" But Simon believes with all of his might like no other Green Lantern has ever believed before! Because he's got the best qualities of Hal Jordan and Sinestro. He has the power to truly get the most out of the ring like Sinestro. And he doesn't listen to or believe the rules laid out before him like Hal Jordan. He has the imagination and the ability and could, quite possibly, be the strongest Green Lantern yet.

I like this second panel quite a bit. Earlier, Simon interrupted Sira before she could call B'dg a squirrel and said, "He's a Green Lantern." It's a nice moment to see a group of people that are probably constantly being judged by their race living in Dearborn show respect to a flying space squirrel by acknowledging what he is instead of what he looks like. This is in contrast to Agent Fed calling B'dg a squirrel and a chipmunk. And, um, in contrast to me as well. Fuck you for trying to make me feel guilty, Geoff Johns! It didn't work! I don't know how to feel guilty!

While in the hospital, B'dg catches a news report of Guy Gardner in police custody. What would the world of comic books do without the ever present news program feeding them information? They head off to save Guy Gardner before looking for Hal Jordan.

While I was typing that last paragraph, I'd set the comic book down with it open to the last page which I hadn't read yet. And as I glanced over, I saw the dark hooded figure from last issue that was confronting Hal and Sinestro in the Dead Zone (or inside the Black Ring, apparently). His hood is now off and I just thought, "Tomar-Re?"

I had no idea he was dead.

Green Lantern #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. This whole issue was nicely paced and served well to help establish Simon Baz as the next big deal Green Lantern. I already like him a bajillion times better than I like Hal Jordan.

Green Lantern Corps #16

I'm tired of using doors too! If there's one thing I've learned from comic books, if you're in a hurry, just bust through a fucking wall, floor, or ceiling. Bad guys do it. Good guys do it. Hot shot photographers for the Daily Planet do it. Probably. I may not be able to visually confirm that last one. But I wouldn't put it past him!

Has there ever been a Green Lantern that refuses to use his Green Lantern Light in such pedestrian ways? A hammer, Simon Baz? Really? You've got the most powerful weapon in the universe and you use it to create a weapon that any thug or four year old child could get her hands on? I guess the exaggerated size of your tool makes up for it being on the low end of the technological scale. At least create a hammer that you don't have to hold on to so you could make it fly around the room and attack at range. Oh! Maybe make TWO hammers like that! Maybe that would take too much concentration. And maybe this whole image is just a metaphor for masturbation anyway. "Choking the Ginger." "Solitary Confinement." "Hammering the Hole." "Gripping the Handle." "Blowing a Hole in the Ceiling." "Peter J. Tomasi."

Guy Gardner is in jail because he thought he was "Blowing Off Steam" last issue but instead he was "Interfering with an Undercover Investigation." He's no longer a Green Lantern because he discovered the secret weakness of the Onan's Oan's Third Army. When exposed to masturbation, the Borg Lanterns could only stare helplessly at the erotic act. And since Guy Gardner is the greatest masturbater the Green Lantern Corps has ever been witness to, the Oans took back his ring.

Heh heh. He said "unabated." Stop writing my commentary for me, Mr. Guardian.

Now seems like the perfect time to take care of Guy Gardner once and for all. He's the greatest threat to the Guardians (if you believe me, that is. You could argue that Kyle or Hal or Sinestro is a bigger threat but I'll just win the argument by ignoring you and having a more popular blog) so they tell their Borg Lanterns to "acquire his bio-signature" (you know, follow his spunk trail) and "assimilate" him. They actually use the word assimilate. Apparently the Guardians of the Universe get all of their best ideas from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Speaking of Star Trek: The Next Generation and masturbation, I bet Wesley Crusher just fouled the fuck out of the holodeck with his not-quite-yet-a-man-juice. And it makes sense, right? In the 1970s and 1980s, kids had to find their wank material in bushes and abandoned fields and their father's bottom drawers. Then the internet came along and now kids can just log on to the family computer and find all the masturbation material they need. By the time space travel and starships are invented, it would make sense that the ability to find masturbation material would have escalated as well. And the holodeck would barely even seem like masturbation! I wonder if Picard had parental locks put on the holodeck controls.

Picard: "Number Two. How long has Wesley been in the holodeck this afternoon?"
Riker: "One hour, fifteen minutes and forty seven seconds. Of course this is his fifth time using it today. And he's reserved it for four more sessions later."
Picard: "That's an awful lot of training exercises. Perhaps we're working him too hard?"
Riker: "I don't think that's what he's doing, sir. He's Troubling the Tribble, if you get my meaning."
Picard: "Oh. Did we not have parental locks put on the Holodeck to prevent this sort of abuse?"
Riker: "The kid is a fucking technological genius. You don't think he guessed your password 'FLUTE1234'?"
Picard: "Well then. Chalk it up to kids being kids, I guess!"
END CREDITS.

You know, I was going to stay away from jail ass rape and drop the soap jokes while Guy was in prison. But with images like this, I guess I have to point out that snowballing seems to be the favorite sexual past-time in this prison. And I think the bets are that Guy can't go a week without masturbating.

Guy's brother and sister come to visit him in jail to find out what the fuck is going on with him. Where'd his Green Lantern ring go? Why did he get arrested screwing up an FBI investigation? All of his responses are glib, snarky, Superboy-esque answers. Guy is acting like a complete douchebag while his siblings are simply trying to help him get out of jail. So Guy's sister does what Superman should have fucking done to Superboy in Superboy Annual #1.

That guard is enjoying this a little bit too much. The Guardians would not approve.

Guy Gardner's sister is cute. I hope this comic spins off into a Green Lantern Family comic book where they all get Green Lantern rings. Maybe it could become a half hour sitcom on Fox.

The slaps and the yelling do not get Guy to stop pitying himself. What finally snaps him out of his pouting are the Borg Lanterns that suddenly attack the jail looking to assimilate his ass. Too bad Guy isn't an overly snobbish assassin so I could have typed "assimilate his high class assassin's ass." Being that Guy was a Green Lantern and the guards don't want to turn into mouthless monsters, they let him out of the handcuffs and allow him to take lead against the Borg Lanterns.

Meanwhile John Stewart and Fatality are dealing with Mogo's splintered sexuality.

I'm pretty sure this is all semantics.

Fatality catches John up on everything that has been going on in New Guardians which makes John realize that the Guardians are once again up to no good and sending him into the far reaches of space to chase down the pieces of a planet was just a way to get him out of their gray hair.

Back on Earth, Guy and his siblings are rescued by B'dg the Space Squirrel and Simon Baz the new Green Lantern of Earth. I have a feeling I probably should have read Green Lantern #16 first but I really doubt it matters much. That issue will probably deal with Simon and B'dg heading back to B'dg's nest so that Simon can recharge his ring and learn a little bit about his new job as a cosmic protector.

With Guy's leadership, B'dg contains the Borg Lanterns while Simon Baz flies off to steal a bunch of missiles from a nearby National Guard Base. So the most powerful weapon in the universe can't simulate a missile? Does Green Light not have the capability to explode? Has a Green Lantern never made explosives or fire with the Power Ring? I'm starting to think the ring isn't the most powerful weapon in the galaxy at all if all it can make are blunt instruments.

Guy watching a squirrel masturbate.

The missiles incinerate the Borg Lanterns and Guy heads off to the moon to get a synopsis of what's been going on. B'dg was sent to Earth by Salaak to find Hal Jordan but instead ended up rescuing Baz and Guy. Baz's ring has a warning for the Green Lantern Corps: "The Guardians are trying to destroy us!" Now if Guy could only get his ring back. Perhaps he'll have B'dg create a ring for him in the same way that Hal Jordan received a ring from Sinestro? That seems like a handy solution for every problem! More Green Lantern Rings! Green Lantern Rings for everyone!

Green Lantern Corps #16 Rating: No change. I think Guy and Baz are going to get along really well as long as Guy stops being a dick to him every chance he gets. Maybe Guy and Superboy should star in a comic book together where they can just snap back at each other for twenty pages. This was a pretty decent issue because it had a squirrel in it.

Red Lanterns #14

SRSLY. Why can't the 3rd Army of Borg Lanterns look this good in Green Lantern. They're fucking joke pumpkin clown monsters in that one.

Last issue Atrocitus learned about the Borg Lanterns and then immediately realized how to defeat them because he is the baddest mother fucker in the DCnU. In that same time, he trained Kyle Rayner to be an asshole and I think he fucked Carol Ferris in the mouth. That's okay because she fucked him all over his face in reciprocation. No inappropriate unwanted touching in the DCnU! Besides, we all know that Hal Jordan isn't a real man. And by that I mean he's not a real man. He has no genitals. Have you seen him in his skin tight costume? There's nothing fucking there!

Hmm, by that logic, no guy in the DCnU is actually a guy. Do any of them have noticeable genitals through there clothing? This reminds me of a quote by Richard F. Burton, the explorer/adventurer/translator, not the guy married to that famous lady. The one with the perfume and the attitude. Okay, here's the quote:

In the East, where Common Sense, not Fashion, rules dress, men, who have a protuberance to be concealed, wear petticoats and women wear trousers.

Richard F. Burton was a genius at observation, was he not? If you want to learn more because knowing is half the battle (the other half of the battle is kissing and hugging), you should follow my other Tumblr: The Grand Afterlife of Richard F Burton.

As this issue commences (look at me getting fancy!), The Red Lanterns are still fighting the stupid as all get out Borg Lanterns. I thought Atrocitus's knowledge on how to kill the Borg Lanterns was a mystery but apparently it was just me being dense.

Oh, the eye thing. Yeah, I knew that!

Why is Rankorr being such a pussified Red Lantern? Shouldn't he be all angsty and fucking upset? No, no. Forget I asked that. I know exactly why he somehow maintains this veneer of empathy: he was a Literature Major in college. I get it. I've got the same fucking degree. I'd probably be a huge whiny Red Lantern as well. "Oh no! I can't HURT another living CREATURE!? The universe is so oppressive! The only hope is to escape from it! Keep moving west! Throw the water heater through the window and run across the green grass where you watched the dog get hit by the truck on the road beyond! Keep crashing your bomber and insist that everyone fly with you because you're practicing your escape plan! Fight against the system's inflexible racism and class structure by running from the law and being wherever babies cry and men are fighting for a decent wage and women are crushed under the weight of the patriarchal system! But don't turn into the thing they want you to be! And don't turn into the thing they don't want you to be! Escaping the fucking system is the only way to keep your sanity and retain who you really are!"

So yeah. I'd suck as a Red Lantern. Which is why I totally get where Rankorr is coming from!

Well if you put it that way! Fuck the fucking liars! Right in their fucking eyes!

I say "fuck" a lot in this blog, don't I? It doesn't fucking bother me. Words are words. The only reason one word offends the sensibilities is because the person offended has bought into an arbitrary system that doesn't mean shit. If I say "cunt" in front of your four year old, it doesn't fucking do anything. Although if you yell at me and scream, "How dare you say that word in front of my child?", guess what? Now your daughter knows "cunt" is a forbidden word! You would have done well to just ignore it, dipshit.

I only use that example because I did say "cunt" multiple times in front of a small boy of about five or six when I was at the post office a few years ago. The mother behind me let her boy walk around me and touch my legs while I was at the counter having a package delivered. So I just looked down at him and began whispering, "Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt." The mother quickly reined in her child and got him out of my personal space. She didn't freak out at me because she was probably an intelligent person realizing she should have never let her kid wander freely into my space like that. If she wanted him to hang out with me, he was going to learn some of my values! And swearing don't mean shit to me!

Another time at the Seattle Zoo, I was sitting at a bench talking with some friends when someone's kid wandered up and touched my leg. I began screaming like I was mentally disabled. The child smiled and laughed but the mother quickly ran over and grabbed her kid, pulling him away from me while mumbling something under her breath. I can pretend she was saying, "Sorry," but she was probably saying, "Stop screaming, you stupid wanking shitheel."

You know what I resent most about being born? The fact that everyone expects you to line up and act appropriately in this supposedly "social" environment. People bitch about being oppressed but the majority of people still think you should suck it up and act "correctly" in this society. Fuck you, asshole! I didn't ask to be born into this set of arbitrary rules! Don't expect me to get good grades (unless I want to or it comes easy to me), go to college (at least not for your reasons of finding a career!), get married (who needs the government or religion to sanctify my relationship?), have kids (who fucking needs the ankle-biting, nose-mining rugrats?), and work my ass off for forty years simply to not "rock the fucking boat filled with cunts"!

You know, on second thought, maybe I would make a good Red Lantern!

The Red Lanterns are the first group of Lanterns to be successful against the Borg Lanterns. Their lava vomit burns away the eyes of the creatures and destroys them. Bleez, Atrocitus, and Rankorr gather up a dead Borg Lantern to dissect later and head back to Sector 666.

Back on Ysmault, Atrocitus realizes the first order of business is to strengthen their newly created Red Lantern Battery. To do this, he sends everyone out on missions to gather up the blood of the universe's most guilty assholes. He also sends Rankorr to Earth to finally kill the motherfucker that killed his grandfather and made him angry enough to become a Red Lantern. Bleez is told to accompany him. One other Red Lantern wants to go to Earth as well.

Is this really becoming a rivalry? Dex Starr versus Midnighter? Fuck you, Peter Milligan! Don't make me tell you I love you!

Dex Starr follows Rankorr and Bleez to Earth but he takes a detour into Hyperspace as they get closer. I'm so happy that Peter Milligan is writing both Red Lanterns and Stormwatch right now. I hope the next time Dex Starr appears, it takes up a full issue of Stormwatch as the cat fights the bad-ass!

Rankorr and Bleez finally arrive at Earth but it seems much different to Rankorr as a Red Lantern.

Anyone who never left their home town to live somewhere else has no idea how weird it is to return to the place you grew up. I always listen to this song whenever I end up back in Santa Clara.

Interlude: I know a lot of people who read my blog don't read the entire thing. They read about the comic books they're interested in and skip the rest. As a writer, I'm a bit disappointed that people don't read every fucking word I put down. This isn't a review. This is barely commentary on Red Lanterns. This is a fucking memoir exposed in scattered moments set in the backdrop of DC's New 52. Some of my most interesting stuff is in comic book commentary on things like Voodoo or Legion Lost that I know nobody is reading. But what can I do? Writing is kind of an end to itself. It doesn't really matter how large the audience is. As long as I keep writing, I'm happy and satisfied.

But it's still a little disappointing knowing that not many people will read these words.

Rankorr isn't the only Red Lantern to go home. Atrocitus heads back to Ryutt in search of the broken down machines known as the Manhunters. He hopes their inorganic bodies can help defeat the Third Army. But when he gets there, his home city seems to return from the past. Skyscrapers. Citizens. And, most of all, Manhunters destroying it all. He's either hallucinating or he's slipped into the past to watch the devastation all over again.

Look on the bright side: if this is real, you've got your Manhunter army!

Red Lanterns #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. What more can I say? Atrocitus's return to his homeworld made me tear up. I'm such a wussy English Lit Major.