Red Lanterns #30

Dex-Starr should be the most powerful creature in the universe. I can't think of anything I'd want to piss off less than an angry, stray tomcat. And this one vomits lava and has a Red Lantern ring.

I guess everything in my life and everything in the world is perfect because I can't think of anything to bitch about. Hallelujah! Praise Allah/God/Yahweh/Ganeesha/Odin/Zeus/Buddha/Me!

So last issue, Bleez had just face-planted into Ysmault. From orbit. So she's all kinds of fucked up. But she was able to warn the other Red Lanterns that Atrocitus was behind her fall from grace. I mean space. Good thing the Red Lanterns have Supergirl on their team now! Although Guy Gardner has already beaten the shit out of Atrocitus once. Why is everybody so scared? Why is everyone so frightened? Why is every one of them terrified?

To explain why I just typed that last sentence three separate ways would be to describe the last five minutes of my life in excruciatingly boring detail. And since I'm simply not going to assume that everybody (or everyone (or every one of you)) wants to experience the peaks and valleys of my interminable existence, I shall leave it at this paragraph and be done with it.

This issue begins detailing the daily life of the Judge Judy and Burt the Bailiff of the planet Primeen.

This issue begins with Charles Soule writing more legal shit. Doesn't he get that out of his system over in She-Hulk? He's also writing about the incredibly boring legal process in Swamp Thing as well! Hey Charles Soule! Not everybody is interested in the excruciatingly boring details of your legal career! Write about when you were living on the highways of America, getting your money and your meals as a lot lizard! Writing poems on the streets for change in downtowns all across the states! Write about that time you fell in love with an elephant at the Portland Zoo, snuck in after closing, and fucked it in the ass! Only to realize afterward that it was the wrong elephant and the one you loved was watching from twenty feet away with a tear in its eye? No, you'd probably rather write about the legal process that you went through after getting caught banging elephants, right?! Boring!

It turns out that whatever Charles Soule writes about is interesting (as if we all didn't already know that). Judge Sheko realizes, year after year, until she's wrinkled and grey and yellower, that justice means nothing on Primeen. The judge has no power but to judge according to the wealth and power of the accused. Her job is nothing but ritual and tradition devoid of any true justice. Primeen may well have placed a goldfish on the judge's bench and the system would not have been bothered at all. Except that a goldfish can't bang a gavel, so how would anybody know when any case was over?

The King is not happy with this injustice!

Sheko's bailiff isn't as loyal as Burt is to Judge Judy, so instead of shooting the Prince, he turns and shoots Sheko. And that is the end of justice on Primeen! I suppose this story will relate to the Atrocitus getting vengeance on his old partners somewhere down the line. Probably having something to do with this story being called "Judgment Day" or something! Sheko is probably pretty pissed off about all this injustice and shit. But for now, let us return to Ysmault where Bleez eats Jello in her hospital bed.

Bleez wants to go rescue Rankorr but Guy Gardner wants to search for the seven Red Rings and the hosts they may have found. But since Guy Gardner made it clear that the Reds have no leader, Bleez tells Gardner to fuck off. She's going to do what she wants. Seems like a stupid idea to me. Rankorr stayed behind so she'd have a chance to warn the others. But just warning them and then going back to die makes it seem like she hasn't thought this through very well. I think she has a concussion from slamming her face into Ysmault. But then Bleez meets Supergirl and decides to stay and do her nails with her. And by "decides", I mean realizes that she can't get past a Kryptonian since she doesn't happen to have any Kryptonite on her, so she gets back in bed to answer Kara's questions.

But first, a new Red Lantern is born!

Meet your newest Red Lantern, Lantern Judge Judy of Primeen!

Sheko seems pretty coherent for a brand new Red Lantern. Maybe it's because she's older and wiser than most people that attain a Red Ring. Or perhaps it's just that her rage, focused like a laser on righting the wrongs of a terribly unjust legal system, is easily controlled and directed. Personally, I suspect it has something to do with becoming a Red Lantern while submerged in the waters of the Water Court acting much like the Blood Lake on Ysmault. She's granted a kind of clarity that even the other Red Lanterns won't have because she regained her sentience by a different means.

Judge Red Lantern finds everybody in the Water Court guilty and sentences them all to become puddles of blood. Whose team will she wind up on?!

Zilius Zox fixes up the Red Lantern Bar (which is also a ship) so it has the capability to hunt down the seven new Red Lanterns being created. They locate one in Sector 775 and it seems to be one of the most powerful Red Lanterns they've ever encountered. I wonder if they'll refer to her as Judge Red? I'd smell a possible lawsuit forming but I'm sure Charles Soule has taken every precaution under the law to distance himself from the fact that he's just recreated Judge Dredd. Damn it feels good to be a lawya!

The Red Lanterns immediately head out to catch this new Red because they've gotta catch 'em all. They also brought a big vat of blood from the Blood Lake to dunk the new recruit in to make her sane. Looks like they're in for a big surprise! Let's hope none of these Reds are guilty of anything!

As Guy and the others descend on Primeen, Charles Soule, once again, shows just how much violence a comic book needs without wasting six pages on a battle that doesn't fucking matter. He gets the necessary amount out of the way before getting right back to writing. Don't worry! He's new and enjoying the act of writing tons of comic books a month. Pretty soon he'll realize he can make just as much money by writing "five pages of battle" on a script as he does writing five pages of dialogue.

I actually hope that day never comes but, well, I don't trust anybody when it comes to, well, anything, really.

Here, Soule writes Guy Gardner how people should be writing Superman. Why the fuck does Superman constantly get pulled into battles when he's fucking invulnerable? This should be every scene with Superman? Antagonists: "POW POW POW!" Superman, yawning: "Are you done yet?"

Atrocitus and Dex-Starr have only just arrived. They have yet to make contact with Judge Red, so Guy and his gang aren't completely out of the running yet! Next chapter will be the fight to convince Judge Red which team is least guilty.

Red Lanterns #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. How many times do I have to stick my tongue up Charles Soule's ass? This fucker can write. If you see his name on a book, just pick it up because it's good. I'll simply end this with a picture of my boots because as I took a break to go get some iced tea while reading this, I realized I basically wear Red Lantern boots.

You can't see the shoelaces very clearly. The pattern on them is a pink star followed by a skull and crossbones with a little pink bow on the skull.

Red Lanterns #27

Yes! Fuck that slut's brains out, Ice!

I just finished reading my commentary of Red Lanterns #26 where I speculate who might get Ratchet's Red Ring. Last month, I settled on it probably going to a gerbil. But now that all the advertisements for the Green Lantern/Red Lanterns Double Backed Flip Book Extraordinaire have spoiled it for me, I know it's going to go to Supergirl. Which also explains why Doctor Veritas the Omniologist couldn't stop commenting on how angry Kara was. LeGrouch was trying to drop clues as to the ring's new bearer by saying it will go to a blonde with a nice butt although that just made me think Booster Gold was going to get it. That probably won't happen until the end of this issue though, so I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't wait to see how Guy and Tora's first date in a long time goes. I wonder if Black Hand will be there again?

The Red Lanterns have a bit of downtime now that they've just saved an entire race of enslaved beings. Those beings have come to Ysmault to carve huge statues honoring the Red Lanterns. But they're going to need a new statue soon because Ratchet's ring is out there looking for a new finger (remember! It's going to be Supergirl's finger!). Bleez thinks the new Red Lantern might need a little bit of help, so she organizes a Welcome to the Fucking Club party.

Rankorr is going to be so disappointed with this trip. Maybe if he's lucky, they can stop at Andersen's for some Split Pea Soup.

Rankorr declares he's going to find out "ten secrets of the universe" as he and Bleez head off on their trip. Like where does poetry come from? And why is his head on fire? And how come Bleez is the only Red Lantern whose suit decided to go full g-string? Those are all the secrets of the universe that I can come up with.

Guy decides to take a trip to Earth (where he'll probably run into Bleez and Rankorr!) and he invites Skallox and Zilius Zox along with him. So prepare to be terrified, Earthlings!

I guess in a Teen Plus comic book, you can refer to yourself as a penis. I guess if Catwoman can toss around double-headed dildos, Rankorr calling himself a bell-end is mild in comparison. Not that I have a problem with any of it! I'm just constantly aware of how stodgy and easily offended the American People are. Why should I expect anything more from a culture that has grown-ass people actually refusing to say certain words when having normal discussions about them. You know, when you're discussing the negative connotations of a word like "nigger" or "retard," you don't have to couch them in "n-word" and "r-word." We are adults. We can survive hearing those words. It's how these words might be used that should cause anger or offense, not simply hearing the fucking things.

Guy arrives at Earth and quickly ditches Skallox and Zilius Zox. He does give them directions for a walking tour of the best places to see on Earth. I don't know where Guy would send them. Pyramids? Um. Pyramids? It doesn't really matter though because Zox has his own agenda. There's something he's dying to find out. I think he's going to get Skallox in trouble.

Gardner arrives first in Baltimore, his home, but that must be to throw off Zox and Skallox because he didn't really want them hanging around anyway since his main point in visiting is to see Tora Olafsdotter. Ice.

Come on, Tora! Give in! He's a charmer! I mean, he's not. But I like him and I like you so fuckity fuck already.

Speaking of ice and snow, I had a big winter adventure here in Portland yesterday! My work vehicle was in the shop and I got the call to pick it up at two in the afternoon. Just as a dusting of snow was beginning to cover the streets. So the Non-Certified Spouse took me to pick it up. It took an hour to get there and two hours to get back. Because of the snowstorm and the slow, slow, horrendously slow traffic that it caused. I love the snow but hate traffic. Anyway, the cars are home and parked nicely and today Portland expects more snow, so I'll be heading out in it later. On foot. I have to pick up a copy of Ms. Marvel #1 at the comic shop and find a place to eat where I can look out of a window at the snow. Also this morning, I headed out to get some coffee. I was the first to walk down the driveway this morning and this is what I saw:

Either a Raccoon came by or a Sumatran Rat Monkey is on the loose.

The tracks were right beneath my neighor's kitchen window and he was there making breakfast or something. So he probably heard me squeal in delight as I came upon the raccoon footprints. Here's another shot of more of the raccoon's trail in the backyard.

I couldn't tell what creature had made the prints in the foreground of this picture because the snow was so deep.

Anyway, back to Guy and Tora's first meeting in quite a long time. I like that Ice is not happy about the fucking cold puns. That has got to get old. I, myself, get tired of all the mentions of my fabulous lovemaking whenever I go home for the holidays. Knock it off, cousin! You're embarrassing me!

Meanwhile, Skallox and Zilius are finding their tour of the world boring. They give up just before they're about to check out Las Vegas! Which could be fun. Maybe. Probably not since they know nothing of drinking earth booze and gambling and all you can eat buffets. And they probably wouldn't be allowed in any casinos, so what would they do there? Neon Sign Graveyard? Anyway, it doesn't matter since they're eventually approached by Shadow Thief. She's not very big on aliens on her planet, so this might wind up in that fight Zilius was looking forward to.

Best moment of Red Lanterns so far? Unless Dex-Starr and Midnighter's battle took place in this comic instead of Stormwatch. Then this is the second best moment.

For some reason, the question enrages Shadow Thief. Perhaps in Israel, it's bad form to mention testicles. Especially when the creature mentioning them looks like a gigantic one with lots of teeth. So the battle begins because Shadow Thief threw the first punch and Guy's only rule was that they couldn't throw the first punch. You know, the rule that Supergirl completely fucking ignores!

Guy has to go deal with Skallox and Zox's fuck up, but he invites Ice along to watch and see how he's changed. He will solve a problem without punching it in the face! He will use words! And good words! Not bad words! He will show Gus Tora that words can be used for good! Good words for good! Not bad words for bad!

Meanwhile in space, Ratchet's ring has not yet found Supergirl's fantastic bum. Instead, it found a fish thing. And that fish thing was found by some other guys you might recognize.

Whoops!

Red Lanterns #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Some great moments in this issue. Charles Soule is doing a good job with pacing this comic. I like the beats. I like the interactions. I likey like like. Maybe you likey like like too?

Red Lanterns #16

This issue was destined to be a Third Army crossover according to early adverts. But now the Manhunters have nowhere to go. Sad face.

The Third Army crossover ended in Green Lantern Corps Annual #1. But it didn't really end. Unless all of the Third Army had descended on Oa and all of the Third Army were killed when the comic book turned white and just ended without any real resolution, then they must still be a threat to the universe. But the Crossover's title has now changed to The First Lantern which means Volthoom is the new threat and the Third Army will probably simply hang around being a nuisance instead of nearly ending all life in the universe. It's kind of typical in comic books for a threat to be overwhelming and unbeatable for a few issues and then the hero gets his second wind, punches the deadly threat in the nose, and the fight is over. So I can accept that the Third Army is defeated. You know. In comic book terms.

But now what is Atrocitus going to do with his Manhunter army? Last issue ended with them attacking him but the cover makes it look like he has them under control and feeding the Red Lantern Battery. So maybe that's their job now. Shall we see?

Forget everything I wrote previously. I guess this is a Third Army Crossover! Stupid cover not claiming it's part of The Third Army crossover and showing the wrong artist to boot!

Atrocitus quickly calms down the Manhunters by killing their leader. Their leader is easily recognizable as the Robot-Man that can say more than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!" If there is another leader in the Manhunter's midst, he's smart enough to not say anything incriminating. Like "Hello" or "How are you?" or "No Woman Escapes the Manhunters!" He just stands around looking stupid like the rest of them.

Meanwhile Rankorr is down on Earth trying to prove he's a real Red Lantern. But he's going about it all wrong. He's still making constructs and he's killing the man that killed his grandfather instead of torturing him for years. And he's also still so hung up on not being there for his grandfather that he's making guilt-inducing constructs to torment himself!

What a dumb dumb!

Stupid humans with their stupid spectrum of emotions. Don't they know that once they become a specific Lantern, they're supposed to leave all of those other emotions behind? I wonder what color Lantern is associated with Guilt? The Gray Lantern Corps? The Catholic and/or Jewish Lantern Corps? Are Catholic and Jewish colors?

Atrocitus does a Blood Ritual with the Manhunters to bind them to him. I forgot that he and his Manhunter army actually take part in the final issue of The Rise of the Third Army. They fly in like an angry robotic space cavalry to distract the Third Army while Kyle Rayner lights everyone up with his new White Lantern Powers. So I already know the ending to this comic book! I hate when that happens. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. I mean, I'm wasting the time that I'm already wasting but to a greater degree than I'd like! Not that anything isn't merely wasting time. What constitutes a non-waste of time? Feeding a child? Curing a disease? Making a really fucking good burrito? I actually think the only time a person wastes is the time doing things they don't want to fucking do. Screw that "It builds character" bullshit! We all end up spending a certain amount of time doing things we don't want to do. Of course, if they enable us to have more time to do the things we want to do, then that time isn't actually wasted either, is it? I'm pretty sure spending time doing something and wasting time doing something are really just the same thing except somebody is judging someone by stating it the latter way. So forget everything I said about wasting time. No such thing. We're all just speeding to our doom so do whatever the fuck you want to with that time. Except, you know, being a dick. Don't be a dick. That's a waste of time.

Apparently all Atrocitus is known for is being a dick because he comes up with a plan that is so unlike him, it causes a Manhunter to say something other than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!"

I don't think Atrocitus believes anything. He just gets mad at stuff and barfs on it.

I'm pretty sure Atrocitus's "plan of cunning" is merely to get mad at the Guardians and barf on them. He'll probably get mad at the Manhunter for speaking and barf on it. It's just kind of the only thing he knows. And I love him for it. He has the sensibility of a cat.

On Ysmault, Ratchet has finally decided he knows why the Red Lantern Battery isn't charging: Ysmault is a vampire planet. If this weren't a comic book, I'd think that was the stupidest theory ever. I'd also think it was pretty amazing that an actual alien existed. And he was a member of a raging Corps of Red Lanterns with lava running through their veins. That would probably be pretty stunning if it weren't a comic book. I'd also probably be dead or a vampire because I would have tried to get Vampire Tig to love me. And I'd probably believe in Gods and Magic and Devils too! I guess comic book reality isn't very far off from some people's view of the real world, is it?

So Ratchet digs down into Ysmault to prove his theory somehow. I don't know. Maybe he thought he would find Ysmault's stomach full of blood or something. Instead he finds Atrocitus's old frenemies, the Inversions. But that's probably a plot for some future issue. Right now, Rankorr has to deal with some heavy shit down on Earth.

Does this make me crazy? Thinking like Bleez?

When did Bleez and I begin sharing the same brain? She also tells Rankorr he's too human to be a Red Lantern but too Red Lantern to be human. And once she has him all nice and doubting and pitiful and pouty, she tries to eat his blood. Not to kill him or anything. She just wants the power to make constructs and believes by tasting his blood, she can have that power. I guess that answers my question about the other Red Lanterns and their ability to make constructs. Rankorr doesn't say no but he hesitates for about one second, enough time for Bleez to pretend he needs some more motivation.

She was obviously just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

Rankorr refuses, tells her she's too dangerous for his cock constructs, and flies away. Bleez stays behind for a few panels so she can dramatically state that she was truly one hot piece of ass and nobody turns down her sexual advances and now she's Rankorr's sworn enemy. So basically nothing much has really changed. Bleez hated him then wanted something from him so acted nice then hated him when she didn't get it. So typical of her gender race species individual personality and indicative of her past actions.

While Atrocitus sends his Manhunters to Green Lantern Corps Annual #1, he heads to Maltus, the old home of the Guardians. Deep within its core, he finds the thing he was looking for. I don't know what it is but it looks like a bank of televisions with sphincters. As Atrocitus approaches, ghost heads begin floating out of the sphincters. And one of them is an old frenemy!

Krona! I think disembodied spectral head living in a sphincter television is a step up from corpse continuously fucked by Atrocitus night after night.

Red Lanterns #16 Rating: No change. I was discussing how shitty political cartoons are with my friend Doom Bunny this morning. Sometimes they make barely any sense and other times the artist feels the need to over explain them. So I decided to boil down the essence of the Political Cartoon and make my own template for a Political Cartoon that can be used over and over again. Here it is with a commentary on Green Lantern!

If used in newspapers aimed at the gay community, both the penis and ass could be labeled with sympathetic things, like "Candy!" on the penis and "Everybody!" on the ass. The template itself doesn't judge! Just the people who put the words on it!