Doomsday Clock #5

Nostalgia's branding efforts might be a little off the rails.

Today on Facebook, my cousin Laurie said, "Your thought process fascinates me." So I decided to give everybody an insight into my thought process!

My thought process: think something nobody should ever say. Say it. Pretend you were being hyperbolic and facetious when people get annoyed. Experience your twentieth shame spiral of the day. Eat a whole carton of Oreos. Fall asleep lonely and humiliated.

Or, if I wanted to be honest (which I never am! (although sometimes I am but I'm pretending I'm being facetious and hyperbolic so that when I'm judged harshly, I can distance myself from that judgment)), it's more that when I post something to Facebook, it's usually somewhere so far down the "thought process" that all context has been lost. I suppose I could explain every single thing that led up to me having a thought that makes me laugh but that's too close to just walking around naked in public. And I would never do that! Wink, wink.

So, um, Doomsday Clock! After last issue, I had forgotten that this comic book was meant to be a severe lecture to the fans who never wanted the whimsy and fun taken out of comics but are being blamed by Geoff Johns for DC doing it anyway. That might not actually be what this book is about but it's what my issues have decided it's about anyway. What made me spontaneously remember that was this scene in the hospital where Ozymandias wound up after falling out of the LexCorp building.

Dammit. I had almost forgotten how everybody blamed and mistrusted superheroes!

Of course there's always been a long history of Gotham Police mistrusting and hating Batman (if only because he does their job better than they do and obviously has way better pay and benefits). But DC really fucked up when they decided that level of mistrust should be applied more broadly so that every citizen suddenly turned against even Superman, the universally acknowledged boy scout. I'm not a comic book historian so I don't know when that attitude began but I think it's generally acknowledged that it was a byproduct of Watchmen and similar comic books of the time. "Look at how more realistic this is! Why should a world embrace and trust masked heroes?! And Watchmen was so popular, that aspect of it must be what made so much money!" But, of course, that's the kind of thing people who didn't read Marv Wolfman's New Teen Titans believe. Because if I had to pick a starting point for when the mistrust of heroes seriously got rolling (I'm not saying it wasn't there before! It just wasn't the standard reaction of the public), I'd point to Wolfman's work trying to adapt The X-men feel to DC's superheroes. In the X-men, the "heroes" were actually mutants enrolled in a school where they could feel safe and learn to control their powers. They were hated by the public due to bigotry and a misunderstanding of what they represented to humanity's future. They were constantly attacked by "evil mutants" due to a disagreement on what mutants meant to the world. This worked as a plot point because of the bigotry aspect and the underlying difference between mutants and superheroes. But translating that to DC's world where mutants don't exist completely missed the mark. Wolfman's world became a place where The New Titans formed to help the world but never actually did. They simply created a headquarters in New York where they were constantly attacked by family members. Of course the people of New York would begin hating them for bringing danger and destruction to the city. Because they were actually doing that! And since The New Titans became DC's biggest seller for quite some time, every comic book writer on Earth learned that Wolfman's model was acceptable to readers. Instead of having heroes exist for saving the world, they could just exist to be targeted by super villains. And if that's all super villains seemed interested in then isn't it true that heroes are the root cause of all the problems with super villains? It's one thing to comment on bigotry in America by portraying people's hatred of mutants. It's a totally stupid other thing to have people hate heroes because of the destruction caused by the heroes attempting to simply save themselves from their enemies. In the first one, you side with the mutants because the people hate them for irrational reasons. In the second one, you have to side with the citizens because who wouldn't be upset if their house was destroyed and their dog was killed because The Joker was trying to kill Batman?

I've said all of that before. Sometimes, I feel that's all I have left to say about DC. At least when Priest recently had the public hating the Justice League, it was because the Justice League was racist! Not in the regular racist way where Batman is using slurs and Superman is flying around in blackface and a sombrero but in the systemic way where they don't realize they're being racist but they just are. That was at least different (even if I still wasn't happy about it).

I don't understand people who prefer heroes who are mistrusted and hated over heroes who are inspiring, loved, and embraced by the public. Wasn't the latter version the whole point of them in the first place?

Dammit! I should really read ahead before I go on a rant! Although, technically, I think this somehow proves my point about how this is all supposed to fix what went wrong with The New 52.

This issue is called "There is no God." I'm guessing at the capitalization because the font actually reads "THERE IS NO GOD". But it doesn't end in an exclamation point (or any other kind of punctuation, being a title and all) so I'm assuming it isn't meant to be yelled and it's just DC's perverse avoidance of lower case letters.

Anyway, "There is no God" is the perfect title to ruffle religious feathers. But I bet it's a set-up! I bet Geoff Johns is going to write a story about how God does exist, even if only in a metaphorical way that gives hope to people who need more than a few decades of random, chaotic life! I mean, I would like more than a few decades of life too! But I wouldn't mind if it remained meaningless. Who needs a purpose? That's just adding obligation to this precious gift! Why do people want that?! I think that's why "being inspiring" has become such a huge achievement for so many people. Because it seems to give meaning to your life without you having to actually do anything except exactly the thing you want to do. So, say, I was coming up with a completely hypothetical situation where a guy I know survived an IED attack in Iraq but the four other people in his Humvee were killed, he might want to find meaning in why only he survived. He might feel somehow responsible for carrying on in a meaningful way to make their deaths less random and nonsensical. He might also become religious because it's too painful to believe that those four other guys simply winked out of existence in a meaningless war that didn't do anything for anybody (aside from some people making a lot of money (and aside from opening up the country to more chaos and instability)). And the meaning he might find in his life is becoming the center of attention just like he always wanted but could never attain. He became a comedian who also inspires people because he's so badly burnt and disfigured, how can he tell jokes?! Now his life has meaning even if his jokes and his poetry never get any better because the people who hear and read them are Christian and patriotic supporters who can't be critical of anything he does. So if he says in a poem that his daughter is crying "alligator tears," nobody tells him that they're "crocodile tears" and that if his daughter is crying them, it means she doesn't actually care that he's off in Iraq. And when his only joke is that he was blown up and set on fire, nobody minds because he was blown up and set on fire and—look at that!—he can still stand up and tell jokes! So inspiring!

Now if my thought process were better than it is, I would delete all of that so that I don't sound like a jealous and bitter friend. But I explained my thought process earlier so you can judge me but I've got my Oreos ready to go after you misunderstand the hyperbole and facetiousness. Also, I'm not jealous and bitter. I'm supportive but critical! Which is why I didn't post what I just wrote on his wall. Because he can take supportive but I don't think he's up for critical. Especially hyperbolic and super truthful critical. Hypothetically, I mean!

Back to how this comic book is doing its part to reset the DC Universe into the Post-Zero-Hour, Pre-New 52, Post and Pre a bunch of other stuff I can hardly guess at because DC Continuity is super fucked, a news report on a hospital television reports on Hawk, Dove, Red Star, and the Rocket Reds. So maybe I was wrong about Post-Zero-Hour! Maybe this reboot is post-Crisis only? And I might be wrong about that too! Isn't the current Superman from the Crisis timeline where they actually beat the Anti-Monitor? It's hard to remember Convergence because it was super boring and terribly written. It rated 5 Flaccid Penises out of 5. Unless you're totally into flaccid penises and then it rated zero of them.

Along with the Rocket Reds and Red Star gearing up for an anti-west battle, Pozhar has stepped up to the plate as well. Or whatever you step up to in Russian baseball. Do they have something akin to baseball in Russia? Maybe cement-block-call? If we're going by themes, it's beginning to look like we're headed back to the eighties cold war, so a reboot to pre-Crisis levels of continuity isn't completely off the table! If I didn't know Geoff Johns was writing this, I'd be tempted to guess it was Dan Jurgens.

The Cold War of this ear isn't about nuclear superiority but about metahuman superiority. But that's just a superficial difference, really! What's actually happening in Watchmen 2: Doomsday Clocks is identical to what was happening in Watchmen. Which means everybody will get along at the end not when Mister Terrific teleports a fake space creature into the middle of New York but when an actual cosmic threat attacks Earth and all the American and Russian metahumans have to team up to save the day. Then everybody will be inspired and begin fucking. Right on panel! I hope.

In Moore's Watchmen, there was a thread with that kid reading the pirate book. I wasn't smart enough to know what that was about. Maybe it had something to do with how, to survive, the lead turned himself into a monster the way Ozymandias did. Or maybe it was just about the kinds of things media used to distract the populace. Who can tell?! Not me! Anyway, this series has Nathaniel Dusk stories as the story within a story. I guess it's the only way DC could get people to read them. So boring! You can tell they were boring if you read them in 1984. Also because an old man really loves them in this comic book. That old man is Johnny Thunder! His name makes him sound exciting but you'd be wrong! More boring! And he's trying to get the Justice Society back into continuity. Most boring of all!

Some of you might be bristling at my description of the Justice Society as "most boring of all." But you've forgotten about the hyperbole and facetiousness! There's a twenty-five percent chance that I actually liked the Justice Society and own a bunch of their comic books!

The Superman Theory states that the American government is in the business of making metahumans to make sure they retain control on the world stage. Most of the heroes deny that they were made by the government because they were actually made when they were exposed to Nth Metal. Duh. Everybody who believes The Superman Theory must not have read Metal. How did they miss it? It was the biggest and longest blockbuster ever produced! Anyway, Lois thinks Lex Luthor is the one behind this propaganda. But Lex denies it. In fact, he says somebody in the government is creating metahumans and that person was once a member of the Justice League! So, um, like Lex?

Hopefully the reveal of the person behind The Superman Theory doesn't wind up being somebody like Commander Steel. With a twist like this, it's got to be somebody you generally associate with the League, like Martian Manhunter or Gleek.

Here Ozymandias lectures Batman thanks to years of terrible comic book writers.

By the end of this issue, Rorschach and Saturn Girl have caught up with Johnny Thunder who finally found Alan Scott's lantern. Batman has been captured by The Joker. And Geoff Johns is well on his way to telling comic book fans how dumb they've been accepting the bullshit narrative they've been fed for years that super villains only exist because super heroes exist.

Rating: This issue was called "There is no God" and it had nothing to do with the story inside. But it was used because it was part of the Eugene O'Neill quote that closes the issue: "When men make Gods, there is no God!" Is that how every issue has been titled so far? Using a bit of the quote at the end? I haven't been paying close enough attention to know. Anyway, I have a few issues with that quote. First off, you shouldn't capitalize "Gods." I suppose you can argue that you would capitalize "Johns" but if you choose to do that, I probably don't like you and would discount your argument on that basis alone. I mean, the point is that men are making little gods which kills the proper noun God. Second, why does it end in an exclamation point? Is the second half of that statement such a huge twist that it needed the surprise element of the exclamation point? Maybe Eugene knew it was a fairly week turn to the phrase and thought the exclamation point would bolster the sentiment. I know that trick! The third problem I have with it is that I don't understand it in the context of this story. Is Johns saying that super heroes have replaced God? Are fans now supposed to feel reprimanded for being blasphemous monsters?! Am I supposed to believe that if we rely on heroes, we have lost our faith in God? Is Johns saying inaction through faith is better than relying on super heroes? Or is he saying that we lose our own motivation and free will when we expect heroes to save the day? How is that any different than expecting God to save the day? I guess in that context, I understand the quote! "When we come up with something more entertaining that still doesn't actually help or save humanity, we've forgotten the original concept we came up with that doesn't actually help or save humanity!" Hmm, good quote! I've won myself over! Five out of five stars! Not for this issue but for my twisted logic!

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Earth 2: Society #11

Superman just looks like Captain Atom with his "S" torn off the chest.

The Review!
Perhaps a comic book about a contrived global conflict is the kind of book that makes certain dicks hard and certain pussies wet but it does neither for my dick and/or pussy. This is a story about a society that doesn't trust superheroes and blames them for all of their troubles. Yawn. Double yawn. Triple yawn, even! I don't even know why superhero comic books continue to be published if the main thing modern writers have to say within them is that people don't like authority. Unless they're saying something else with the whole allegory of the misplaced trust in power that I've become too numb and bored to care about figuring out. I don't care what it might be like if a superhero had to deal with the bureaucracies and red tape and public mistrust of public figures extant in the actual world. What I wouldn't mind is an accurate representation of the real world but where superheroes are an added element that just makes the world a better place. What a daring fucking concept, no?

The Commentary!
The less control a person feels they need to exert on the world, the happier that person will be. That's why I'm always so angry when I read shitty comic books! Because I wish I could lock the writer up in my Secret Room of Secret Things and teach them how to write. Not that I know the secret to writing interesting things! I do know the secret to writing popular things though. You write something cliche that appeals to a broad base, hope that the cool young people feel that liking your thing will give them some kind of cultural cache, and then all of the other lemmings (also known as "young people") will like your thing too, desperately trying to portray themselves as having liked it years before anybody else did. But even if I can't really teach a bad writer how to write in my Secret Room of Secret Things, I can at least take out my frustrations on them in horribly demeaning ways. Like I might say, after having them sit in the chair with the broken spring, "How is your mother?" If they reply with anything that isn't "My mother is dead," then I say, "I already knew that because she screamed it while I was doing her hard." I would also be sure to make dramatic hip motions while saying that and maybe do some vulgar thing with my fingers and tongue. Then I would ask, "How is your father?" If they replied with anything that wasn't "My father is dead," I would say, "I know! Who do you think was running the camera while I gave it to your mom!" Then I would ask if they wanted some lemonade and if they said yes, I would tell them I was all out and that they would have to leave now. Boom! Lesson learned, bad writer! Now I just have to hope Cullen Bunn answers "Yes" to my evite!

In my first draft, I had Scott Lobdell as the bad writer but then I thought, "What has Scott Lobdell ever done to me? It's not like he ever posted a picture of a guy flipping the bird and directed it at me!" So that's why I replaced him with Cullen Bunn. I will also be making Cullen Bunn my honorary go-to whipping boy for no other reason than that he once acknowledged that I existed. He should have gone the Gail Simone route and acknowledged my existence in a pleasant way so as to avoid my hate-attention.

I suppose the opposite of my initial statement is also true: the less control a person feels the world is trying to exert on them, the happier the person will be. This is why white cis males should be happy all the time. All of those angry white guys with the man-tears are really blowing their big advantage! Why argue with somebody who attacks white men for simply being white and men? Just ignore them like you've always done prior to that point and live your life the best way any individual can live it: by being recognized by the majority of society that you are, indeed, an individual! When somebody makes a crack about white men, I just laugh and go, "I know, right? Fucking white men are ridiculous!" Because I don't think of myself as a white man! I think of myself as Tess! Or Grunion Guy! Or my real name which you can easily find out but I won't write it here and make it that easy for you. Then I go get a free massage and basket of french fries at one of the many secret White Guy Speakeasies located in every major city.

Oops! Forget I said that! Especially the part about the free french fries and how they're the most delicious I've ever had. Oh wait. I didn't say that. Just forget that too! Oh look over there! It's an Earth 2 comic book!

I was hoping to find an intriguing panel as the distraction but I'm seven pages in and all I've got is this.

Jesus Christ has a line in Jesus Christ Superstar where he says, "To conquer death, you only have to die." That's what I think of whenever there's any backlash to some pop piece of entertainment where the characters or the casting isn't up to White Male Nerd Expectations. What the fuck are you arguing for? You're railing against normalizing things but you think you're somehow keepers of the gates of normalcy. And every time you argue, you're proving that you're ultimate reason for not wanting to change is based in bigotry and superficial bullshit. Instead of allowing the rising tide to drown everyone lift every boat, you're trying to keep all the boats with short anchor chains anchored to the position they've been in for decades while your boat has been without an anchor for centuries. Do you want to stop having this constant discussion about diversity and inclusiveness and privilege? You only have to die. You only. Have. To die.

I know the previous paragraph will be completely misconstrued (which, lucky for me, I won't ever be popular enough to matter) but what do I care?! It's art! I don't have a mandate to explain everything I say in a way that the stupidest person can understand it! That's like asking David Lynch to explain Lost Highway to a large percentage of the audience. I've told this story before but with close to three thousand blog posts (most of them about me and only peripherally about the comic book I'm reading at the time), I should be allowed repeated story tellings. So I was with my old high school friend Soy Rakelson years ago and we were discussing Lost Highway. He thought that it was too confusing and that the auteur had a duty to try to make his or her work understandable. As we talked, he noticed I had John Barth's Lost in the Funhouse nearby and he said, "Oh man! I loved that story in here about the Swimmers!" And I said, "Oh, the one about the sperm." And he looked at me quizzically and said, "You know, the one with the Swimmers?" And I said, "Yeah. The one with the sperm questioning the whole point of his seemingly pointless existence." And his jaw dropped and he was all, "Holy crap." And I was all, "Don't you think an auteur has a duty to try to make his or her work understandable?" For Soy, the story was fascinating because of the philosophical quandary of the narrator. But to me, I couldn't imagine the story really meaning anything if you didn't walk away from it realizing that the Swimmer was a spermatozoa. It definitely changed Soy's take on the story after that.

I don't know if we actually used the word "auteur" that night but seeing that we were both in the same Lit Theory class at the time, we probably did. Although we weren't wearing sweater vests or sipping espressos at the local coffee shop (which was called City Lights, by the way).

I don't think the auteur was very clear about which character is supposed to be speaking which thoughts. I'm fairly certain the little arrows are pointing at all the wrong people. Another possibility is I'm just too stupid to get the gist of this conversation. Is Giffen writing this?

Speaking of Soy Rakelson, he was one of those white guys who constantly felt like he was a victim. He was also Catholic and so he felt under attack all the time on that front too. Plus his family was from Chicago and he was defensive about that as well! One time he wrote a letter to the San Jose State Student Paper arguing about the proposed Black Student Union. At the time, he didn't realize that it was just another group and not, as he thought, a completely new building that would be just for black students. Fuck I wish I'd kept that paper! I'm pretty sure he invoked out of context quotes from people like Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln to defend his position (a position, I remind you, that was totally based on his misunderstanding of the situation).

I proposed getting a Mortal Kombat video game cabinet for non-Asians but my letter was never printed. I was just tired of getting my spine pulled out by the Asian students and figured I could probably beat a white person or two if only I could get the opportunity to play one!

I should probably begin discussing Earth 2: Society since it's beginning to get interesting. And by "interesting," I simply mean it's beginning to irk me enough to start ranting.

The various cities that have sprung up around Earth Too are ready to go to war over the planet's resource rights. The only problem is that the planet doesn't have any resources. Except for, you know, the two suns. And probably wind. Maybe water. Possibly geothermal. But even though the people of Earth 2 had the technology to build escape ships for a small chunk of their population (I'm not talking about the slipships that Mister Terrific and whoever found for the eventual escape from Darkseid), they apparently can't figure out solar power. It was explained earlier that somehow solar power doesn't work with these suns but I'm pretty sure that explanation was so that people like me would just shut up about it and simply deal with the plot as Dan Abnett wants me to deal with it.

During peace talks with the leaders of the cities, Green Lantern lets it slip that the planet has no natural resources. This leaves the leaders to draw the only conclusion possible: they have to all go to war to steal the other people's resources. I guess everybody has really bonded with the other people who just happened to wind up on the same escape ships as they did. I bet they think twice about going to war when they realize that two of the armies they'll have to battle are composed of Amazons and Atlanteans! I bet they start crying peace all over the place when they learn that little morsel!

I don't think I truly hated this comic book until this panel.

It's not that I'm annoyed that some asshole politicians aren't accepting any kind of responsibility for their own actions or are looking for somebody else to blame. I suppose that's fitting. But what I can't stand is how the "Wonders" just pull down their pants and take it. I don't know what "it" is but it's not any kind of rape, just in case you were about to feel triggered. If Green Lantern's response isn't, "Well, fuck it. I tried. Let them fucking sort it out," I'll be disappointed. Why superheroes feel the need to keep helping when all they receive in return is shit and more shit is beyond me. Oh, I get it. Because they're heroes and they do what's right no matter how popular it is. Although if that were the truth, then Superman really would be a fascist dickface, wouldn't he?

Fury of Amazonia wants to save the world for their own sake and believes they'll thank her for it later. Green Lantern wants to save the world even though they hate him and don't want his help. I say let Fury take over and Green Lantern can save the world if they all write really polite letters to him asking for his help.

The best part of the story is probably the part I won't spend a word on because that's no fun! I'll be all, "And then Ted Grant gets punched in the face and Red Arrow is all, 'My boxing glove arrow doesn't work on mist people!' But Batdick is all, 'Guys? Guys? Status, guys? Guys?' And then Ted Grant is all, 'What's gonna work?' And Red Arrow is all, 'Teamwork!'"

Anyway, Green Lantern is a big hippie failure so Sandman, Sato, and Steel (the S.S.S?) decide to impose martial law and kill anybody who doesn't do what they say. Serves them right!

Arak! (as seen in Telos)

PERSONAL DATA
Full Name: Arak Red-Hand (Bright-Sky-After-Storm)
Occupation: Shaman
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: He-No, the Thunder God (father), Star-of-Dawn (mother)
Group Affiliation: Quontauka Indian tribe, ally of Carolus Magnus
Base of Operations: 8th Century Europe, Asia, and America
First Appearance: WARLORD #48
Height: 6' Weight: 190 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Black

HISTORY
Among the last surviving members of the Quontauka Indian tribe, Arak was taken by the Vikings to medieval Europe, where he journeyed with his captors until setting out on his own.

With his own natural strength and his powerful otomahuk, Arak battled in the defense of the court of Carolus Magnus (also known as Charlemagne) in what has become Central Europe.

Searching to return to North America, Arak was slain in battle and his spirit rose to meet He-No, the Quontauka's God of Thunder, a spirit-being who is also his father.

Resurrected on Earth, Arak is now a mystical Shaman surviving in a world only beginning to understand science [For the majority of Americans, that would seemingly be the 21st Century.].

POWERS & WEAPONS
The extent of his Shaman abilities still unknown, Arak relies principally on his keen hunter's instincts, his great strength, and his mastery over both otomahuk and sword.

Tarantula! (as seen in Green Arrow #44)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Jonathan Law
Occupation: Mystery Novelist [Is he a novelist or isn't he?! It's a mystery!]
Marital Status: Single [Duh.]
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: All-Star Squadron
Base of Operations: New York City [I wonder if he ever runs into Spider-man?]
First Appearance: STAR-SPANGLED COMICS #1
Height: 5'10" Weight: 180 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Blond

HISTORY
Intrigued by the costumed crimefighters who had begun appearing in the late 1930s, best-selling mystery writer Jonathan Law began doing research for a non-fiction book about such "mystery-men." In the course of his research [Let me guess! Bitten by a radioactive tarantula!], Law interviewed Dian Belmont in the summer of 1941 about her association with the original Sandman (see Sandman I). Belmont gave Law a sketch of a new costume she had designed for the Sandman which she doubted he would ever wear [Did superheroes not know about NDAs back in the forties?] After having written about crimefighting for years, Law decided to become a costumed crimefighter himself and decided to wear the costume in his mystery-man role [Sure. Why not? Writing about something is equitable to doing that thing. Why not steal somebody else's design and use it as your own? I guess the only thing Jonathan Law knew about the law was how to spell it.].

Inspired by his pet tarantula [You know how inspiring arachnids can be. "You can do it!" the Inspirational Arachnid says on his probably already exists Tumblr blog because people are stupid idiots for creatures saying inane inspirational, feel-good quotes.] Law had decided to take the name Tarantula [Sure, why not steal his pet's identity as well as Sandman's costume?] and, in keeping with this spider theme, devised a "web-gun" [Why do those quotes disturb me so much? What sticky substance is actually in that "web-gun"?] and suction discs for his boots that would enable him to walk up walls. He entrusted his loyal housekeeper Olga with the secret of his double identity [Mostly because Jonathan couldn't sew and he needed somebody to sew his costume using the stolen designs.]

A few days after Law's meeting wth Belmont, Olga finished making the [Trademark infringing] costume. That night, since the Sandman was out of town, Belmont donned his original costume to investigate a case of sabotage, only to be killed by a Nazi agent [People have no Goddamn respect for patents and trademarks, do they? Now the public is going to think that the Sandman sucks at his job. His reputation is ruined. Also they all think he's dead.]. Tarantula then attacked the Nazi agents, and was joined by the Sandman [Yeah but in what costume?! Tarantula is wearing his new design and Belmont is lying dead in his old one!], who was wearing a costume based on Belmont's sketch [So Tarantula and Sandman were twinsies?]. Together, they overcame the saboteurs [You know, the Nazi agents.].

Tarantula made his first public appearance soon afterwards when he defeated thieves who had robbed an audience at a Broadway theater. Reporting the incident, a radio announcer referred to the new hero as both a "Tarantula" and a "Spider Man!" [In other words, "Fuck you, Marvel!" See? Nobody respects patents and trademarks!]

Tarantula joined the wartime All-Star Squadron (see All-Star Squadron [If you want to be bored out of your mind.]), and soon afterwards adopted a new costume, feeling that Belmont had intended hers for the Sandman [Really? Fucking really?! I think the "feeling" in this sentence was actually a "cease and desist" from Sandman's lawyers.] Law also continued doing research for his book on mystery-men [So he could out everybody? I have a feeling nobody on the All-Star Squadron really liked this asshole.]

Tarantula's whereabouts and activities after 1942 are unknown [Although in 1962, he reappears in Marvel Comics!], but his book on mystery-men, Altered Egos, was published in the 1960s [Probably posthumously after the other Squadron members figured out what he was up to.].

POWERS & WEAPONS
Tarantula has no super-powers but is a superb hand-to-hand combatant. He is also a skilled acrobat [Of course he is. What writer isn't?]

Tarantula's web-gun shoots a sticky wet "web-line" [There are those quotes again! Gross.] with which he can ensnare [And possibly impregnate] criminals. His boots have small suction cups which enable him to walk up walls.

Convergence #5

The triceratops is all, "Fuck this crazy shit! Imma gonna go eat some weeds!"

Don't you hate when people talk for animals? It's so arrogant and almost always not funny at all. I think those kinds of people are the same kinds of people who hear somebody make a subtle self-deprecating joke and then repeat the joke bluntly to the person as if the person making the joke didn't mean to make fun of themselves. It's like, "We're all in the same fucking room as the animal. We have observed what it just did and also thought it was cute and/or funny and/or horribly disgusting. We don't need some asshole ruining the moment by saying in a high-pitched voice, 'I sure love the taste of my butt!'" There are only three people allowed to speak while animals are doing things: David Attenborough, Marlin Perkins, and that Honey Badger dude. And I think two of them are dead. So be prepared to hear a lot of "Sloths don't give a shit" and "Penguins are nasty" with your animal videos!

The first page of Convergence #5 is technically the inside cover which is an advertisement for Loot Crate. Don't read this paragraph if you get offended when people make fun of shit you love and you also love Loot Crate. Why the fuck would I pay for a random assortment of bullshit that a whole bunch of other people are getting as well? Most of it is random tchotchkes I didn't ask for. The only tchotchkes I want in my house are ones I specifically picked out because they were of interest to me. And most of the random tchotchkes in my house right now I can't fucking stand to look at. Except for my paranormal Collect Club figurines. Those fucking rock your face off. With Loot Crate, do I get a crazy thrill running into people wearing the same Goddamned shirt that I'm wearing? Are we supposed to high five and then buttfuck? I mean, the buttfucking would be cool but not the highfiving. But seriously, what a terrific service! I get to pay like thirteen bucks a month for somebody to clutter up my fucking space! Sounds terrific!

Now, I totally understand the appeal of the "opening a present on Christmas morning feeling" unless it's actually an "opening a present on a non-denominational day feeling" or maybe even an "I've never opened a present in my life because I'm a Jehovah's Witness and now I feel bad so thanks a lot jerk feeling." Oh! That's why Loot Crate is so great! It allows Jehovah's Witnesses to discover the thrill of opening presents without it actually being a present because it's a paid service! Loot Crate is a miracle to the Jehovah's Witness community! I'm all turned around on it!

"All over my face! Hi yo!"

Dick Grayson is pretty funny, right? Get a load of his next joke!

If he were more like Batman would he have his wife and child? Ha ha ha! Oh man. Tears! So many tears from laughing!

Deimos has Skyped Brainiac (the actual Brainiac!) who is currently living in a four inch studio uSphere. He wants to taunt him and maybe make a deal to free him if it can make Deimos the lord of everything. But first he has to reveal to Telos his true shape and name and previous life. I think he might have been Strongbow from Elfquest.

Deimos's story is actually kind of boring. I thought he was going to tell him he was Jimmy Olsen or Steve Dayton or Lenny Shapiro. Instead he's just some king or something with a family who gave himself to Brainiac to protect his world. Boring! Although Dick is really into that story because Dick just got done Narration Boxing all that boring shit about how he lost his family too. So now he's all, "We are Telos! Telos is we! Or us! Whatever!"

Later a female character dies because comic books. Look at all of Warlord's angst and sadness! It's a good thing he still has his sexy cat at home.

Even laterer, Deimos pulls out the heart of Machiste. I think he was one of Warlord's buddies. It's a really bad time to be a friend of Travis Morgan, Warlord!

Once Deimos kills Machiste, Val-zod decides it's time to punch things. But he's a little ambiguous about whether it's the right move. Not because violence is always the wrong choice. He stopped believing that many, many issues ago. No, he just isn't sure they should fight because fighting is what Brainiac wants. It's interesting, isn't it? For once his pacifism would be a useful trait and yet he's completely abandoned it so he can act like every other fist-throwing, hot-headed super hero in the DC Universe. Excuse me. Multiverse.

Maybe his plan is just to hug him really, really hard?

I'm so disappointed that Val-zod has been turned into just another brawler. What a waste.

While Val-zod struggles with Deimos, the rest of the heroes just stand and watch, mouths agape. No need to help Superman, right?! Eventually, The Flash goes running off somewhere to do something while Alan Scott tries to befriend old whats-his-name. But too late because whats-his-name decides he's still just Telos and everybody is fucked.

How about just continuing to stand there and ignore your power ring?

Deimos banishes Brainiac so he can't be released even though he brought him to release him to gain power. I guess he rethought his plan and realized it was a pretty idiotic plan. Best to keep the master of this world off of it, right?

After banishing Brainiac, Warlord comes crashing through the wall on a triceratops. It's probably all, "Fuck you! I don't give a shit! I'm nasty!" I'm sure Deimos is trembling in his fanciful boots now. He just defeated a Kryptonian and a Speedster. Now he's going to be defeated by a guy in a loincloth with a sharp piece of metal? And dinosaurs. I guess he has dinosaurs. But vegetarian dinosaurs! Please!

I guess it's not a good time to be Travis Morgan, Warlord, either.

This seems symbolic of something! If only I were smart enough to figure it out. Like maybe comic books like Warlord, which were big hits among the youth at one time, have no place in comic books anymore. They've grown old and outdated and long past their prime. It's as if DC realizes that some of their past comic books actually can be put to rest. How about thinking the same way with your war books?! Enough with the GI Combats and the Mens of War and the Star Spangled War Stories! Make them age into dust too!

I bet Telos is the real Travis Morgan and that's why Skartaris was at the center of the world and that's who Telos really is! If that doesn't turn out to be the case, I should remember to come back and delete this paragraph or else it will be an embarrassment to my comic book reading skills!

The castle collapses and everybody but Yolanda escapes. Yolanda is helped out by Deimos so that she can pretend to be his buddy and then slit his throat at a crucial moment. Dick Grayson finds a batarang in the rubble because the time he found a batarang in World's End has been forgotten. It needed to be reinforced that he will become the next Earth-2 Batman. At least he's better than the last Earth-2 Dick Grayson who insisted on wearing that hybrid Batman and Robin costume.

Oh yeah. Telos has disappeared as well. That might be important later.

Deimos heads into Brainiac's radio station to deliver a message to all of the cities. If they band with him, he will allow them all to exist. Of course they'll owe him a favor or two. They'll probably decline, being heroes and all. But I guess it's worth the effort because when they say no, he can act angry and offended and crush them without feeling guilty about it.

Convergence #5 Rating: Now that I've finished all of the first issues of the Convergence series, I'm beginning to get back into it. I won't have to read the same Telos speech forty times in a row, so that's a plus. And since the stories have all been set up, I get to write about how horribly they conclude all of their stories! That will be fun! As for this Convergence series, I'm enjoying it. It's weird that Telos and the domes and Brainiac are supposedly so powerful that nobody could ever escape. But then Deimos comes along and kicks everything's ass. I hope they explain how Deimos got hold of all the time travelers. I think Brainiac simply separated them from all of their home timelines so none of them could use time travel to fuck up his plans. And he stored them in Skartaris because time there is wonky, according to the dinosaurs and King Beauregard of the Tumblr Comments Section of most commentaries. He's like my Yoda but taller. Probably.

I didn't take the time to do a Scribbly Jibbet drawing this time but it probably would have had two or three penises in it.

Shadow Thief! (as seen in Hawkman)

PERSONAL DATA
Real Name: Carl Sands [Why does that make me think of fog and cat feet?]
Occupation: Professional Criminal, Mercenary
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: Injustice Gang of the World
Base of Operations: The Hyathis Corporation
First Appearance: THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD #36
Height: 6'6" Weight: 175 lbs.
Eyes: Black Hair: Black

HISTORY
A common burglar, Carl Sands was apprehended when a policeman saw the "well-hidden" criminal's shadow. During his long stay in prison, Sands felt mocked by his shadow, for it could leave his cell, but he couldn't [Such a huge problem with our justice system. Placing the mentally ill in prison instead of in an asylum where they can get some help from such great doctors as Jeremiah Arkham or Harleen Quinzel or Night Nurse.]. After he had served his time, Sands vowed to use his shadow the way he had imagined he could while a prisoner. he studied shadow facts and legends and even performed "experiments" based on this "research." [At this point, even the writer of the entry is mocking him.]

Sands accidentally managed to open up a portal to the dimensional world of Xarapon and then saved the life of Thar Dan, a scientist there [Did he open up the portal doing black magic shadow puppetry?]. Sands was rewarded with the Dimensiometer, a device that enabled him to shift his body to Xarapon and appear on Earth only as an intangible shadow. Nothing could touch Sands, yet he could steal at will with the aid of special ebony gloves [Or he could, you know, use the Dimensiometer to reappear, take the item, then take it back to Xarapon. Right? No? Not possible due to some comic book logic?]. The only drawback to this wondrous device was that every time Sands used it, it affected the magnetic lines of Earth. Too-frequent usage could cause another Ice Age [There it is! The comic book logic!], a dire possibility that never troubled Sands overmuch as he began his new career as the Shadow-Thief [Once again, thanks for the consistency, editors. Cover doesn't have a dash in Shadow Thief but the entry does.].

After suffering several defeats at the hands of Hawkman (see Hawkman II) and Hawkwoman (see Hawkwoman), the Shadow-Thief was recruited by Hyathis (see Hyathis), then-empress of the Hawks' home planet of Thanagar (see Thanagar), to serve her cause of galactic conquest. He took to the role of mercenary eagerly and has remained in the employ of the Thanagarians ever since.

During a battle with Hawkwoman, the Shadow-Thief was trapped in the dimension of Xarapon for several months. When he returned, he had somehow modified his powers so that they were no longer dependent on the Dimensiometer or his traveling to Xarapon.

POWERS & WEAPONS
Carl Sands can turn himself into a living shadow at will. In this form he can control his density, partially or totally, becoming intangible enough to pass through any substance known to man, even solid concrete [I thought they were going to say "even lead."].

One would experience a sensation of intense cold on passing through Sands' shadow-substance [Gross.]. The sensation is caused by the substance's ability to absorb all heat and light in its immediate vicinity. Sands can control this condition to some extent and even use it as a weapon.

On one occasion Sands seemingly brought the shadows of other people to life. Whether he actually possesses this ability or was merely making use of a magic trick learned during his pre-Xarapon "research" remains to be seen.

In hand-to-hand combat Sands is a poor fighter. However, he does have access to the advanced weaponry of the Thanagarian invasion force.

Mr. Freeze! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Criminal [Everybody else gets to be a Professional Criminal. I suppose it's just a hobby for Mr. Freeze.]
Marital Status: Single [No identity. No mention of his wife. This entry was way before his motivations were fleshed out, wasn't it?]
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None [The answer "None" on the Group Affiliation category always makes me a little bit sad.]
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: BATMAN #121
Height: 6' Weight: 190 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: None

HISTORY
The man who became known as Mr. Freeze has shrouded his early years in mystery, and so no on knows who this man was before the bizarre accident that transformed him into a twisted super-criminal [But not a professional one.].

Originally a sophisticated criminal with a brilliant scientific mind [And apparently no faith or religious upbringing to keep his science from being used in immoral and unethical ways. Fucking science and scientists. Thinking they can do whatever they want because MATH!], he one day was constructing a gun capable of emitting waves of frigid cold when a freak accident bathed him in an experimental freezing solution.

Almost immediately, the criminal scientist was unable to survive in a normal setting [Like at the dinner table at his parents' house on Thanksgiving. So no different from most of us, then.], requiring a special environment below 32 degrees centigrade [My survival environment is a dark, quiet room with a dirty magazine book by (Google famous author that would make me sound smart if I were reading it and insert it here).]. A short time later, the criminal fashioned a refrigerated uniform and set out to begin a crime spree through Gotham City as Mr. Zero [That's not a great name but I don't think it's the name you lose to be replaced by "Mr. Freeze."].

While initially successful, Mr. Zero was eventually defeated by Batman (see Batman II) [Big fucking surprise, right?].

This was a short-lived triumph for the Caped Crusader, because Mr. Zero returned several times. Despite the ingenious plans and traps Mr. Zero launched [I highly doubt they were ingenious since they were probably written in the Silver Age. Maybe "whimsically off-beat" I'd believe.], he was defeated time and again.

Hoping to reverse the defeats, Mr. Zero improved his cold gun and uniform, changed his name to Mr. Freeze, and began anew.

Mr. Freeze remains undaunted, although each defeat leaves his mind seemingly all the more unhinged. Mr. Freeze has preferred working with a small gang of thugs and his last known attack was to plunge Gotham into a miniature ice age, with himself as the new ruler [Why doesn't he just fucking run for Mayor?]. He was, of course, captured by Batman.

Since then, Mr. Freeze has escaped from Gotham Prison and has modified his battle armor once again, remaining a threat to Gotham's citizenry.

POWERS & WEAPONS
Mr. Freeze's original cold gun was a double-barreled model with sub-zero cold coming from one side and blistering heat from the other. In later models, the twin mold was discarded in favor of a single barrel pistol or rifle able to send out streams of cold in nearly any shape.

Freeze remains a superior scientist, using his skills to further modify his weapons and his survival suit. The suit is able to keep Freeze's body in an icy setting without radiating any unnatural cold. The current suit resembles armor and has built-in armaments, giving him greater control.

While Freeze's original experiments seem similar to those that gave Captain Cold (see Captain Cold) his own cold gun, they are entirely different [Of course. Nobody was suggesting you were treading the same old ground with just another ice villain. Why are you being so defensive about your lack of good ideas, DC?].

In Which I Compare My Ranks to Actual Sales

By Sales	Comic Book	My Rank	Comments
1	Batman	1	From what I've seen by some of the other sales figures, it's simply a coincidence that my rank matches the sales rank of Batman. If this same amazingly well-written story was about Silver Scarab, it would probably sell about as well as Phantom Stranger. Batman is only number one because he's The Goddamned Batman.
2	Justice League	31	Admittedly, my rank on this comic is pretty fucking low for the actual quality of the book. But it's only #2 in DC sales because it's their flagship comic. Let's average out my rank with the sales rank and say it's probably more of a #17 ranked comic book.
3	Detective Comics	36	Here's more proof that Batman sells. Once again, my rank is low but only for the current incarnation of this comic which is much improved since Tony Daniels left. I'm pretty sure a large percentage of readers are simply on auto-pilot because they've been purchasing Detective Comics for twenty, thirty, forty years or more.
4	Batman and Robin	10	The quality of this comic has been constant. I'm glad to see it's selling well but who's surprised? The top four comic books common factor: The Goddamned Batman!
5	Green Lantern	38	My ranking here shows a big bias to my New 52 rankings. I really penalized comic books that ignored the Reboot and GL's rank has suffered. If you've been following Green Lantern for years, my rank makes no sense. But as I haven't been following it for years, it was nigh incomprehensible for a number of issues.
6	Batgirl	28	Batgirl has been one of those comic books that, if you're a fan of Batgirl and/or Gail Simone, you're going to love the fuck out of it. My ranking of 28 might seem low but that actually puts it in the Area of My Rankings I refer to as "If You Like the Title Character, You'll Probably Really Enjoy This Comic." If you're not a fan of Batgirl, you're probably not missing anything.
7	Nightwing	15	I've been reading Teen Titans since I first began reading comic books in the early eighties and this is the first time I've ever really appreciated Dick Grayson. If this is the way he's been written in the years before the Preboot, I see why he has such a huge fandom. I even enjoyed Tom DeFalco's guest run on this!
8	Teen Titans	49	This comic book owes all of its numbers to Cartoon Fandom. Scott Lobdell is trying his hardest to write the most uninteresting Teen Titans' characters I've ever seen. And guess what? Everyone keeps buying this book so it's never going to get any better! Yay!
9	Aquaman	6	I still have Aquaman ranked high even though I've begun to fall out of love with it. I like how his character is being handled but once Johns has used up the Black Manta stuff and the Atlantis stuff, what's next? Fighting Japanese dolphin killers?
10	Red Hood	46	Another comic book where Lobdell could fill the speech bubbles and narration boxes with gibberish and it'll sell. The Jason Todd Fandom will just keep buying this even if Lobdell began jerking off into every issue. Imagine how well this would sell with a decent writer telling Todd's story? Huge missed opportunity here but DC doesn't care because they know it'll sell.
11	Action Comics	1	I know I already have Batman ranked at #1! It's called a tie! I can't  believe Morrison's unbelievable run on this story is underselling Lobdell's nonsense. I'm so ashamed of comic book readers right now.
12	The Dark Knight	43	The Goddamned Batman. This comic has gotten much better though with Gregg Hurwitz writing it. My rank reflects the horrible state of affairs left by David Finch and Paul Jenkins run as writers.
13	Earth 2	29	Like Batgirl's low rank, it doesn't indicate that this is a bad book. On the contrary! It's just that my ranking system has serious flaws and a whole swath of comics in the middle of the rankings are well done. It's only when comics are ranked about 40 or lower that they have no redeeming value. I could see this ranked anywhere between mine and the sales rank.
14	Superman	42	If you're interested in reading a good Superman story, read Action Comics. If you're interested in reading a not so smug and well-put-together as Action Comics Superman story, read Justice League. But don't read this one. It lost its way almost immediately in the first story arc and has just been a sad joke since.
15	Batman Incorporated	4	Even though this one maybe reads better with Preboot knowledge (I don't know having never read the Preboot title), it's still spectacularly well done. The sales of rank of 15 is probably more justified than my rank of 4. Good book either way though, amirite?
16	Green Lantern Corps	27	This comic probably got a healthy boost in January from the Third Army crossover. But it's been a consistently good read from the start. If you're a fan of Guy Gardner, John Stewart, or the Green Lanterns in general, you're probably already reading it. If you aren't fans, here's the TL;DR: The Guardians are assholes.
17	Flash	17	Ding ding ding! I win! This comic is almost without fail beautiful to look at. It has more of an old school super hero feel to it. It's fun and, so far, a neat take on The Flash and his powers. Yes, I described The Flash as "neat".
18	New Guardians	24	This one has yet to settle down into a formula yet so I don't know what the whole "new guardians" thing is going to end up being. Hopefully one Lantern from each Color Corps will simply replace those asshat Guardians. Another consistently well-presented title.
19	Wonder Woman	3	This comic is worth it just for Azzarello's dialogue between characters. Also because he and Cliff Chiang turned Wesley Willis into a demi-god. If you like Xena and Gaiman's The Sandman, you should probably be reading this.
20	Red Lanterns	20	Like New Guardians, this comic has quite decided what it wants to be either. But that's actually fine! The Red Lantern comic book should be chaotic and blundering and filled with angry killing. Atrocitus is a frustrated philosopher that usually just ends up vomiting on dissenters.
21	Batwoman	14	This comic is beautiful and entertaining and it seems to be selling fairly well. If you're not reading it, help out its numbers by picking up the trades. You (probably) won't regret it.
22	Catwoman	34	The sales rank of 22 might have been appropriate while Judd Winick was writing it. But it's been a disaster since Ann Nocenti took over. Avoid at all costs! If you love Catwoman, let it go until you see another writer on it. You can buy the back issues after Nocenti is canned!
23	Swamp Thing	19	The best issues of this comic have been when they've been pure horror. I hope after Rotworld is over, Swamp Thing returns to its roots (ha ha!) and goes Full Horror. And hopefully Yanick Paquette continues on as artist.
24	Talon	32	I'm sick of The Court of Owls.
25	Worlds' Finest	7	This comic scores a "7" in Best Friendship. I think the sales rank of "25" is pretty good for people looking for some super hero action.
26	Supergirl	33	This comic is about at the bottom of my comics that I'd recommend if you like the character. Overall it's been really good and drawn super cute. But it's had too many issues where nothing much happens except a fight. The first 12 issues really should have been 6 issues.
27	Animal Man	9	I may have Animal Man ranked higher than its quality simply because I'm a biased sucker. even so, it should be no lower than Swamp Thing's rank. Both well done books and since they're inextricably tied by their theme, I'd highly recommend reading both (you know, even after Rotworld is over!).
28	Threshold	26	Too soon to really say. I like the idea. I like that Keith Giffen is writing. I like that Captain K'rot (or whatever) will be starring. I don't like that DC is pissing off the creator of Captain Carrot, Scott Shaw. But that's what the whole Reboot is about! Not paying people!
29	Superboy	50	Ugh.
30	Suicide Squad	21	I have at least one vocal fan of Suicide Squad that assures me each month that this is crap compared to Ostrander's run. And he's right! But come on! If you're going to compare a comic to John Ostrander's run on Suicide Squad, that comic is going to be beat thoroughly about the head and genitals. I think it's fun for what it is and I'm always happy with more Suicide Squad.
31	Justice League Dark	12	This comic was good although a bit lost while Milligan was writing. The comic found its way and became wonderful when Lemire took over. More people should be reading this.
32	Birds of Prey	47	I really want this comic book to be good. Under Duane I Seriously Can't Spell His Last Name, it's just been illogical with no regards to causality. The writing has simply been sloppy and lazy.
33	The Phantom Stranger	25	It's been pretty well done with some complex characterization (no, I'm not simply talking about the Phantom Stranger being Judas Iscariot!). It's still early. This and all comics beneath it sold under 20,000 units in January. That puts them all at risk of the chopping block.
34	Green Arrow	48	This comic book was a disaster under J.T. Krul. It was somewhat better under Giffen. It was horrible with Nocenti. But it looks to be on the rise with Lemire and Sorrentino. I wouldn't recommend reading any of this book prior to Issue #17.
35	All Star Western	11	If you weren't a big fan of Jonah Hex teaming up with Amadeus Arkham, shame on you! It's the team up I didn't know I was waiting for. I always look forward to reading this book. Get the trades! Support it that way! But more to the point: BEGIN READING IT WITH #17! 19TH CENTURY STORMWATCH featuring JENNY FREEDOM!
36	Legion of Super-heroes	44	Whatever. If you like these guys, maybe you'll like this comic. I've never been a fan and 17 issues into my first time reading about them, I still don't care.
37	Ravagers	45	Howard Mackie made a mockery of this comic book. He's possibly the worst writer I've ever read that was earning a paycheck doing it. What's worse? His editors didn't fucking seem to care! I don't even think they read his scripts.
38	Team 7	35	This comic showed early promise but it's just full of too many of the same character. A bunch of bad-asses that shoot guns. I guess they'll be getting super powers now. Too late, apparently.
39	Dial H	13	Really, people? Really? DC hires a real honest-to-goodness gosh-darn author and you don't give the book a chance? This thing is good and weird, people. Why are you letting it die?!
40	Stormwatch	23	It's because half the team is gay, isn't it? Jerks! Support this title!
41	Demon Knights	5	I'm amazed. Next to Batwoman and The Flash, this has been the consistently most gorgeous comic book of The New 52. Don't you people like eye candy? Also, a super fun story with great characters and well written dialogue.
42	Sword of Sorcery	18	It hardly seems this comic got a chance. The Beowulf back-up story was really fun with a creative future version of the world. And I can't believe this comic was canceled after the last issue of Amethyst where she was hanging out with Constantine. So adorable!
43	Legion Lost	48*	Tom DeFalco was writing this. I think I've made my point. *My rank it ended on.
44	Frankenstein	16*	I liked this book and it had tons of wacky potential. Sad to see it go. *My rank it ended on.
45	Batwing	37	This book had a decent initial story arc that went too long and was too predicable. After that, I really haven't been too interested in it.
46	Hawkman	52	This comic book has been crap since the beginning. Not one good issue here. Well, maybe one but I certainly don't remember it and I wouldn't testify to that fact.
47	Deathstroke	41	Under Kyle Higgins, Deathstroke was an amoral aging mercenary trying to maintain his place at the top of the food chain. It was going places. Then Liefeld flushed it all down the toilet. By the time Jordan took over, I just didn't fucking care anymore.
48	I, Vampire	22	Wow. This is ranked this low in sales? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Fialkov might have shot himself in the foot by flip-flopping the story's direction too many times in the first ten or so issues. But it's still been a consistently well-written book.
49	DC Comics Presents	8	I thought this was doing a solid job as a showcase book. But I think I know why it failed. Too many of the stories went for too many issues. This title should have been $3.99 with no back-up story. The showcased hero's story should never have gone more than two issues. It probably would have done better.
50	Blue Beetle	*28	This title was funny and well-written. Although it didn't star Ted Kord so good fucking riddance, bitch! *My rank it ended on.
51	Firestorm	40	As a super hero comic, this book was pretty lousy. As a repressed homosexual tale of high school forbidden love, it rocked! Hell, Jason and Ronnie even got married at the end of the Zero Issue! I'm sad to see it go because where else am I going to get sanctioned slash fiction?!
52	Grifter	*52	Ding ding ding! Worst. Comic. Ever. *My rank it ended on.

The Weasel (as seen in Batman and Robin Annual #1)!

Part 14 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: John Monroe
Occupation: University Teacher
Marital Status: Unknown
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania [Now Blackgate Prison!]
First Appearance: FURY OF FIRESTORM #38
Height: 5'8 1/2" [That one-half inch is a very important inch.] Weight: 170 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Brown

HISTORY
"John Monroe was a student at Standford University over twenty years ago, where he had little social contact with his fellow students, who, if they noticed him at all, referred to the unlikable Monroe by such names as 'weasel.' [What the fuck is that about? He keeps to himself and they begin calling him names? Fucking cowards was what those other students were. Did they ever try to get to know him? Fucking society is full of assholes. As soon as two people get together, they become oppressive jerks! Or as soon as one person begins a blog where he makes fun of Scott Lobdell's writing day in and day out. Sometimes oppressive jerks are born that way as well!]

Monroe's embitterment over this treatment led to his becoming a murderer decades later [Whoa whoa whoa! For fuck's sake, those students might have been assholes but that sentence seems to jump to a bit of a conclusion, doesn't it? Perchance something happened across those twenty years that might have been the reason? Or was poor fucking John Monroe just stewing in his own hatred for the assholes that wouldn't just let him be until he couldn't take it anymore, grabbed the rifle, and headed up into the bell tower? Um. I don't know how he did his murdering. That was just an example.]. He was then teaching at Vandemeer University in Pittsburgh, where several of his fellow Stanford students also had positions [Did Standford have some kind of program to set up graduates at Vandemeer? Are Vandemeer and Stanford sister schools?! I've been in the Stanford library before. I think I was called a weasel. But two decades isn't quite up yet, so I have yet to become a murderer.]: Arnold Lintel, head of Vandemeer's engineering department; Linda Walters, an instructor in music; and physics professor Peter Banks. To rationalize killing these three, Monroe convinced himself that they represented threats to his getting tenure at Vandemeeer [Okay. Now that the first sentence has been explained, it makes more sense. And tenure is definitely worth murdering for.]. Monroe devised the costumed identity of the Weasel and brutally murdered Lintel, Walters, and Banks, as well as Vandemeer night watchman Chuck Gherkin [Uncalled for!].

Soon afterwards, Dr. Martin Stein--the physicist who is part of the composite being called Firestorm (see Firestorm)--arrived at Vandemeer to fill a position of professor in the physics department. The Weasel twice tried to kill Stein, until Firestorm finally defeated and unmasked the Weasel [Isn't that a bit of overkill? Firestorm versus an ordinary man in a furry costume?]. The Weasel's current fate is unknown [He's busy biting through gas lines in Gotham!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Weasal has no super-powers but is highly agile and is a fierce and formidable hand-to-hand combatant [Yes, just the kind of villain to challenge Firestorm. Was the issue where Firestorm defeated The Weasel one page long?].

Warren Ellis Eats Babies

"Life is Short Part Three: Dance to the Music." Shade the Changing Man #57 by Peter Millgan, Mark Buckingham, and Rick Bryant.

Legion Lost #2

Probably somebody I've never heard of before this comic.

On the second page of Legion Lost, somebody's thought boxes describe what has happened to create this comic book series. I say somebody because I don't know these heroes at all so I don't know who the little star with wings icon belongs to that is supposed to identify the person thinking the thought boxes. The thought boxes say: "If the Legion of Super-heroes had stopped the xenophobic uprisings in the future -- a brother wouldn't have lost a sister ... grief wouldn't have become hatred ... and hatred wouldn't have led Alastor back in time to release a deadly plague." Now this sounds like a story that has been told in a past comic book series. But since is the New 52, there is not asterisk and note from the editor saying where or when this stuff happened like there normally would be. Which is one of the reasons why fans should be upset at DC's half-assed attempt at a reboot. I would like to know where and when this happened or if this is just part of a new story and the reader isn't supposed to know exactly what went on yet. Perhaps these events will happen in Legion at some future date. I don't know because DC refuses to place editorial notes explaining things that happened pre-New 52 in an illusion to make the New 52 seem like a fresh start.

For the most part, I don't care if this is a fresh start or not. I was hoping there would be more chances taken in the changes made since Flash fucked up something in the timeline in Flashpoint. But I would like a little more clarification on things that previously happened that actually affect what's happening in the current comic book I'm reading. Maybe I should be reading the Legion of Super-heroes Secret Origin Files comic that is out right now as well! That might clarify things!

The pathogen that was released by Alastor has turned at least one man, Doc Scanlon, into an 'energy-based life form that still thinks he's a man'. It seems these thought boxes are Wildfire's. Wildfire mentions that he, too, is an energy-based life form'. Or she. I don't know which one is Wildfire.

Perhaps Wildfire is a result of this pathogen having been released one thousand years before?

This pathogen was created to merge alien DNA with human DNA as a punishment against xenophobic extremists from the future. So this first person they find, Doctor Scanlon, has had his DNA merge with an alien energy being called a Teallian. Did Legion Lost just become a 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo comic? Are they going to have to hunt down the 24 people who supposedly died in Alastor's explosion but really just became infected with alien DNA? And will they all have some special relationship to one of the members to fill the story with pathos?

This one revolves around Wildfire and his thoughts because he's an energy being that must remain in a containment suit or he will disperse and be lost. So he's trying to help Doctor Scanlon to remain as human as possible. But the doctor refuses, embracing his new form and eventually dispersing completely. Wildfire is left feeling [Legion] Lost after the encounter. Did he feel like he failed the Doctor or did he fail himself? Why is he desperately clinging to a human form when he's something completely different now?

It seems he is clinging to the shape because he has people he cares about and needs to continue to be a part of their lives. The Doctor was new to town and had no family. He was essentially alone and he seemed tired and dragged down by life anyway. He saw his new form as an escape from the drudgery and loneliness his life had become.

So maybe Wildfire didn't fail anybody. It's just two different ways of reacting to the change and to being true to one's own needs and desires.

I read this issue fairly quickly and none of the art really needed to be scanned. A lot of the same stuff. A bunch of heroes flying around. A few explosions. Energy beings and mushroom clouds! I'm still not entirely sold on this comic and, generally, the 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo format is a bit of a cheat (even though I based my entire Dwarf Lover comic on the concept! But this concept seems a bit more like Lost which I loved. Maybe that's why it's called Legion Lost! So the comic highlights a specific character and the reader learns a bit about the character through flashbacks and how he deals with the conflict at hand. This comic is showing promise. From one I didn't give a shit about to one I think can be very interesting.

OMAC #3

Mind prepared to be blown!

According to the cover, OMAC is going to be fighting The Shrimp Faced Man. He is on his way to Louisiana, so that makes sense! But also according to the cover after I learned to read a little more, he's actually called The Psi-Fi Man! Get it?!

This month's adventure is called:

These titles sound like games from the television show, Banzai!

Kevin finds himself in Shreveport without any money. So Brother Eye talks to him from an ATM machine and begins spitting out money. Brother Eye also put Kevin on the FBI's most wanted list so that he'd be arrested and thrown in a prison where the Psi-Fi Kid is running everything! That Brother Eye is just a manipulative jerk. And everything always works out exactly how he planned it! So he's a smart ass as well.

Fasten your helmet belts!

This is the Psi-Fi Man. He can sense Brother Eye and he knows about OMAC. He may want to do to Brother Eye what Brother Eye wants to do to him: absorb his power and information into his super mind. Brother Eye senses it too and cuts his conversation with Maxwell Lord short so he can concentrate on the battle against Psi-Fi Man.

Meanwhile, Maxwell Lord has traced Brother Eye's transmission to his satellite. Lord sends a team of elite Checkmate agents to destroy the satellite. The agents are Sarge Steel, Little Knipper, and Maribel. Ooh! Sounds so threatening!

Try and guess who's who! Hint: Little Knipper is neither an ironic nor a racist nickname.

Oops! Correction. Apparently Maxwell Lord gave his team coordinates to the prison where OMAC just transformed. I guess that makes more sense than sending them into orbit without any spacesuits. Although their 'ambient tech' could probably have transformed into spacesuits. Checkmate's 'Ambient Tech' really just looks like Green Lantern's power ring. They can make weapons and things from their thoughts alone. Too bad the Oans didn't get a patent on the technology. Dumb dumbs!

And then a whole bunch of action takes place that isn't mind blowing at all! The cover lied in puns! What does happen is Psi-Fi Man takes a back seat to the Checkmate and doesn't appear again until the end of the issue where the reader learns he escaped during the melee. Checkmate gets OMAC on the ropes and Brother Eye berates him the way your coach who is also your father berates you on the baseball field.

OMAC should just hold on to the ball when the next kid bunts it to him and let everyone score. Then walk off the field to his mommy. That'll show Brother Eye!

This whole situation pisses OMAC off and he yells, "SHUT UP!" while smashing everything. I'm pretty sure he wanted to yell, "OMAC SMASH!" but the lawyers wouldn't let him. After that, OMAC heads home.

That is probably just the right amount of things to be said.

Suicide Squad #4

Wasn't Voltaic already betrayed by one of their own?

In this issue, the Suicide Squad infiltrates a Basilisk Terror Cell to collect Dr. Elisa Visyak, the creator of the nano-virus that turns people into electric zombies. They get in, collect her, and try to leave. But they're stopped Grey Lora of Basilisk. Before any violence can erupt, Deadshot speaks a name...

...which seems to get her attention. Apparently Wong Fon Yay was Grey Lora's sister. Or mother. Or lover. Or daughter. That's never really made clear. And when I called her Wong Fon Yay just now, that wasn't a joke or an error. That's what she's called through the rest of the comic. I don't know why Deadshot calls her Wong Fon Shay the first time but I suspect an error on the Letterer's part. Or the writer.

Deadshot knows who killed her and is willing to give Grey Lora the information if Grey Lora is willing to let the squad walk out with the doctor. It appears that Wong was stabbed through the heart with a boomerang.

Captain Boomerang was only added to the mission in case the Squad couldn't get back out with the doctor. His firing mechanism is a dud and it isn't a surprise. Waller would never give Boomerang that kind of authority. Not only is he a miserable jackass, he's also a huge spaz who wouldn't hesitate to push that button if someone pissed him off. So the Squad leaves Boomerang with Basilisk and Grey Lora lets them go in return for Wong Fon Yay's body. When the Squad gets back to Belle Reeve with the Doctor, their Nanite Neck Bombs still aren't disarmed and they're shoved into the middle of a prison riot that they need to stop in 18 minutes or their heads will explode!

Nobody died in this issue! That's good because DC doesn't have an infinite number of C-List villains to throw away each month. Although if they really want to clean up with this reboot, this is the way to take care of all those troublesome characters!

Catwoman #4

The last time this title was used for a storyline, the Joker sold a Nuclear Bomb to terrorists, became the ambassador to the United Nations, and killed Robin. I don't think this 'Death in the Family' will be quite so outrageous.

This time, Catwoman attends a funeral, meets with an old friend, robs some drug dealers in an alleyway, and gets her ass kicked by some telekinetic metahuman named...REACH!

So, yeah. Not quite as crazy. Granted the last Death in the Family went for four issues and had 24 pages per issue (probably). But at least this one had a lot of Catwoman art while the other one just featured a whole lot of Robin.







And then it ends when Reach launchs Catwoman way up over Gotham with her magic blue Reach Around Lightning powers.


Whoops.

Catwoman #3

That's a strangely shaped room. Also, Bat Joke.

Catwoman escapes from the clutches of Boner's men and then hunts him down. She beats him up on the top of a building and then is about to push him to his death for killing her friend Lola when Batman arrives and convinces her not to.



She does it anyway even though she knows Bats will save him. And she takes off back to the apartment with her dead friend to dispose of any evidence that would tie her to the body. As she's doing this, the police bust in and the issue ends.

The comic isn't bad. It's a little bit more cheesecakey than I think it needs to be. Just because the title character is a woman doesn't mean she needs to be nearly naked ever few pages. None of the Batman titles treat Batman that way! What DC needs is to forget about having more female authors writing for female leads. They need to have more female writers at the helm of male lead character comics! Let's see someone do a sexy Deathstroke comic! Or sexy Green Lantern!

I also wish the Batman/Catwoman relationship would go in a new direction. I already suggested that Batman should be pining over her and stalking her while she moves on. That would be interesting. But this whole sexual tension and they can't get enough of each other thing was done. It's a reboot! Let's do it differently.

Three issues down and Catwoman has made out with Batman/Bruce Wayne in every one so far! I didn't know DC was into romance books.

Catwoman #2

Does that Gargoyle have a Prince Albert?

Okay, now that the Batman and Catwoman sex scene is out of the way, we can move on with the rest of the comic. Hopefully, the first issue is a sign there will be a kind of reversal of the usual Catwoman/Batman relationship. Usually it's filled with sexual tension and blue bat balls. But now, right from the start, BANG!

Now I hope Batman will be bitter and whiny and hateful because Catwoman never bothers to call him back or acknowledge him and he gets all stalker-like (more so than usual) and clingy. And Catwoman will be all, "Dude! Be cool!" and "Act like a man!" and "You're like a bat to me!"

But I doubt it because that would be different and interesting and Judd Winnick is writing this comic. Oh! Burn!

Sorry, Judd Winick. I would have written that line if nearly anybody had written Catwoman. Except maybe Peter Milligan. Or Grant Morrison. Or Warren Ellis. Or John Ostrander. Or Peter David. Or Keith Giffen. Or Steven T. Seagle. Or Brian Azzarello. But anybody else and I probably would have used that joke!


I really tried to find an image of Robin in this position for this issue's photoshop.

Before things can get moving, Batman needs to leave! What's wrong with Batman? He never hangs around Commissioner Gordon when he's done with him! He just disappears as Gordon keeps talking. I'm pretty disappointed with Batman's One Night Stand Fu.

Catwoman is the one to get dressed and run off.


It's good to see Judd still using his 'again' punchline.

I also tried to find the clip from Real World San Francisco where Judd explains his comic strip is funny because the character in it is doing something dumb 'AGAIN!' But that just led to me watching one five minute clip of Puck and not being able to stomach any more. The other roommates might have been in the clip as well but they were all so boring, who could tell?

Catwoman ends up stealing the Russian's horse painting that is worth nothing but all the different clans want it anyway. So she sets up a drop at a Bruce Wayne charity function, offering to sell it to two separate clans.



Bruce Wayne recognizes her as Catwoman immediately. It could be her face is very distinctive. Or he remembers every inch of those boobs. Or maybe her Cat o' Nine Tails she's using as her belt.

During her big night out, she kisses Bruce Wayne,



gets a bunch of Russian mob guys to kill each other,



comes home to find her friend dead in the apartment,



and meets Mr. Bone!



Pretty good night!

I think Catwoman needs to be a little more cautious about her whole secret identity half of her life! It's no good wearing a mask if you're just going to let anybody looking up see you go into your apartment in full cat getup!

If I'm ever found dead and half-eaten in my apartment, these bastards are to blame!


Pelafina and Judas being disgusting.