Aquaman #34

Just like Aquaman to hide behind a wall of fish to save his own life. How is Aquaman considered the King of the Sea? The sea life probably regard him as quite the fascist asshole.

Who wants to bet against Jeff Parker writing about Aquaman trying to stop something from eating? Because I'll take that bet and win all of your everything! I'm super adept at recognizing patterns! It's true! When I see striped wallpaper, I'll say, "Look at that wallpaper. Totally striped." And people will nod their heads and say things like, "True! True!" and "Oh yeah, I hadn't noticed that." Using my extraordinary ability, I've noticed that Jeff Parker has only been writing stories where Aquaman stops creatures from doing what all creatures must do to survive: eat. He's like the Jillian Michaels of the DC Universe.

The issue begins with Aquaman confronting the Chimera at the hospital bedside of Doctor Shin.

Being barfed on is only going to strengthen Aquaman's anti-eating convictions.

I can tell Aquaman has a guest penciller this month because I'm not happy with the art. And since I'm, slightly, criticizing an artist, people are inevitably going to say stupid nonsense like, "Let's see you draw!" As if my ability to like or dislike art rests solely in my own artistic talent! Well, guess what, dumb dumbs? I'm feeling in a charitable mood! Here's some of my art so you can determine whether or not I have the chops to tell good art from bad art from mediocre art from dog poo.

I was actually going to draw a really crappy picture of Aquaman and then realized I was too lazy to draw something, so I searched through my computer files and decided to use this picture from my children's book version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Now you can look at that picture and decide whether or not my critique ("I'm not happy with the art") of the art in Aquaman #34 has any merit or not. Or you can just go, "How am I supposed to judge anything from that?!"

After Aquaman and Chimera fall off the boat to continue fighting in the ocean, Chimera bites Aquaman! Oh no, Arthur! You'd better stop him from eating! I suppose Aquaman has a case for stopping this creature from this particular meal since Aquaman probably doesn't want to lose a hand. Again! Then Aquaman punches Chimera and says, "Bite that!" Do we have a guest writer too? Because I was not happy with that retort. Now do I have to offer up a piece of my writing to show that I'm allowed to critique other people's writing? Fine! Read this:

That was the end of all that nonsense. Ridiculous! Knowing what coulda been ten bajillion years in the past. Why’s anybody gotta know that? What good is it gonna do, all said and done? “Whoopee! Look at me! My name is Krona and now I know how the unyverse were made!” Now how is that supposed ta put food on yer table? People sayin’ they need meanin’ ta it all. I got yer meaning to it all! It’s just life! It’s harsh and it’s mean and occasionally ya git yer prick wet or yeah et a really good peach or sometimes yer horse nudges ya in the shoulder in just that playful way he does when yer gittin’ so sick and tired of it all. And that nudge is sayin’, “It’s you and me, Francis. We’s all we got and have ya got a carrot cause that’d jus’ ‘bout hit the spot right now.” And that jus’ ‘bout makes ever’thing all right agin. And ya shoulder yer pack and you pull the boots on over yer blistered feet and ya git the fuck back on the trail. Cause what the fuck else is there? Ain’t no God gonna help you git down the trail ta find yer next meal. You trust in god, yer gonna starve. Ain’t no “big bang” gonna make life any happier than you alone can make the lot ya been thrown in on anyhow. Only thing I ever learned is more learnin’ just makes more questions. And who the fuck has got the time for more of those?

It's a stop people from eating or be eaten world, Art!

I could have said it's a dog shark eat dog shark world out there, but everybody knows those are not dog sharks. Those are King Shark Sharks.

Aquaman winds up killing the sharks to save his own life (or is it just punishment for having tried to eat?) and then he feels guilty about it. But he didn't feel guilty about commanding them to risk their lives fighting for him against Chimera! They could have easily died then as well, just like when Aquaman called in those Dugongs recently to eat Swamp Thing and then die. I guess Aquaman didn't mind the Dugongs dying since they, you know, ate stuff.

Aquaman takes Chimera on land to battle. Chimera thinks he can fight just as well on land as in the sea but for how long? Chimera is composed of sea life and the most important word in that phrase is "sea." Okay, "life" is probably more important, actually. But not when sea life is suddenly stranded on land! Another important clue is that the name of this issue is called "Land and Sea." So Chimera is probably going to dehydrate like a spinning top that hasn't had breakfast.

So, how do you want to pay me on the wager? Cash? Real Estate? First born?

Chimera does the Karaquan Mindmeld on Aquaman and they merge memories for a double page splash. Speaking of mindmelds, did Spock blush and, if so, did his face turn green when he did?

I think I'm all turned around on the art! Mera looks sexy adorable here!

Aquaman defeats Chimera by blowing up half of the city. Well done, Aquaman! That may or may not be a joke about cooking Chimera to death.

Aquaman #34 Rating: No change. But wait! Before you leave, there's an epilogue! Chimera escapes because Jeff Parker doesn't want to lose royalties on a character he created! Okay, technically he didn't create this character because it's really just Creature King fancied up for the modern age. But he has a different name, so maybe Parker will get credit for it. But then again, Chimera has the same human name as Creature King. So Parker probably should have just killed Chimera.

Deadshot #1

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Red Lanterns #16

This issue was destined to be a Third Army crossover according to early adverts. But now the Manhunters have nowhere to go. Sad face.

The Third Army crossover ended in Green Lantern Corps Annual #1. But it didn't really end. Unless all of the Third Army had descended on Oa and all of the Third Army were killed when the comic book turned white and just ended without any real resolution, then they must still be a threat to the universe. But the Crossover's title has now changed to The First Lantern which means Volthoom is the new threat and the Third Army will probably simply hang around being a nuisance instead of nearly ending all life in the universe. It's kind of typical in comic books for a threat to be overwhelming and unbeatable for a few issues and then the hero gets his second wind, punches the deadly threat in the nose, and the fight is over. So I can accept that the Third Army is defeated. You know. In comic book terms.

But now what is Atrocitus going to do with his Manhunter army? Last issue ended with them attacking him but the cover makes it look like he has them under control and feeding the Red Lantern Battery. So maybe that's their job now. Shall we see?

Forget everything I wrote previously. I guess this is a Third Army Crossover! Stupid cover not claiming it's part of The Third Army crossover and showing the wrong artist to boot!

Atrocitus quickly calms down the Manhunters by killing their leader. Their leader is easily recognizable as the Robot-Man that can say more than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!" If there is another leader in the Manhunter's midst, he's smart enough to not say anything incriminating. Like "Hello" or "How are you?" or "No Woman Escapes the Manhunters!" He just stands around looking stupid like the rest of them.

Meanwhile Rankorr is down on Earth trying to prove he's a real Red Lantern. But he's going about it all wrong. He's still making constructs and he's killing the man that killed his grandfather instead of torturing him for years. And he's also still so hung up on not being there for his grandfather that he's making guilt-inducing constructs to torment himself!

What a dumb dumb!

Stupid humans with their stupid spectrum of emotions. Don't they know that once they become a specific Lantern, they're supposed to leave all of those other emotions behind? I wonder what color Lantern is associated with Guilt? The Gray Lantern Corps? The Catholic and/or Jewish Lantern Corps? Are Catholic and Jewish colors?

Atrocitus does a Blood Ritual with the Manhunters to bind them to him. I forgot that he and his Manhunter army actually take part in the final issue of The Rise of the Third Army. They fly in like an angry robotic space cavalry to distract the Third Army while Kyle Rayner lights everyone up with his new White Lantern Powers. So I already know the ending to this comic book! I hate when that happens. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. I mean, I'm wasting the time that I'm already wasting but to a greater degree than I'd like! Not that anything isn't merely wasting time. What constitutes a non-waste of time? Feeding a child? Curing a disease? Making a really fucking good burrito? I actually think the only time a person wastes is the time doing things they don't want to fucking do. Screw that "It builds character" bullshit! We all end up spending a certain amount of time doing things we don't want to do. Of course, if they enable us to have more time to do the things we want to do, then that time isn't actually wasted either, is it? I'm pretty sure spending time doing something and wasting time doing something are really just the same thing except somebody is judging someone by stating it the latter way. So forget everything I said about wasting time. No such thing. We're all just speeding to our doom so do whatever the fuck you want to with that time. Except, you know, being a dick. Don't be a dick. That's a waste of time.

Apparently all Atrocitus is known for is being a dick because he comes up with a plan that is so unlike him, it causes a Manhunter to say something other than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!"

I don't think Atrocitus believes anything. He just gets mad at stuff and barfs on it.

I'm pretty sure Atrocitus's "plan of cunning" is merely to get mad at the Guardians and barf on them. He'll probably get mad at the Manhunter for speaking and barf on it. It's just kind of the only thing he knows. And I love him for it. He has the sensibility of a cat.

On Ysmault, Ratchet has finally decided he knows why the Red Lantern Battery isn't charging: Ysmault is a vampire planet. If this weren't a comic book, I'd think that was the stupidest theory ever. I'd also think it was pretty amazing that an actual alien existed. And he was a member of a raging Corps of Red Lanterns with lava running through their veins. That would probably be pretty stunning if it weren't a comic book. I'd also probably be dead or a vampire because I would have tried to get Vampire Tig to love me. And I'd probably believe in Gods and Magic and Devils too! I guess comic book reality isn't very far off from some people's view of the real world, is it?

So Ratchet digs down into Ysmault to prove his theory somehow. I don't know. Maybe he thought he would find Ysmault's stomach full of blood or something. Instead he finds Atrocitus's old frenemies, the Inversions. But that's probably a plot for some future issue. Right now, Rankorr has to deal with some heavy shit down on Earth.

Does this make me crazy? Thinking like Bleez?

When did Bleez and I begin sharing the same brain? She also tells Rankorr he's too human to be a Red Lantern but too Red Lantern to be human. And once she has him all nice and doubting and pitiful and pouty, she tries to eat his blood. Not to kill him or anything. She just wants the power to make constructs and believes by tasting his blood, she can have that power. I guess that answers my question about the other Red Lanterns and their ability to make constructs. Rankorr doesn't say no but he hesitates for about one second, enough time for Bleez to pretend he needs some more motivation.

She was obviously just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

Rankorr refuses, tells her she's too dangerous for his cock constructs, and flies away. Bleez stays behind for a few panels so she can dramatically state that she was truly one hot piece of ass and nobody turns down her sexual advances and now she's Rankorr's sworn enemy. So basically nothing much has really changed. Bleez hated him then wanted something from him so acted nice then hated him when she didn't get it. So typical of her gender race species individual personality and indicative of her past actions.

While Atrocitus sends his Manhunters to Green Lantern Corps Annual #1, he heads to Maltus, the old home of the Guardians. Deep within its core, he finds the thing he was looking for. I don't know what it is but it looks like a bank of televisions with sphincters. As Atrocitus approaches, ghost heads begin floating out of the sphincters. And one of them is an old frenemy!

Krona! I think disembodied spectral head living in a sphincter television is a step up from corpse continuously fucked by Atrocitus night after night.

Red Lanterns #16 Rating: No change. I was discussing how shitty political cartoons are with my friend Doom Bunny this morning. Sometimes they make barely any sense and other times the artist feels the need to over explain them. So I decided to boil down the essence of the Political Cartoon and make my own template for a Political Cartoon that can be used over and over again. Here it is with a commentary on Green Lantern!

If used in newspapers aimed at the gay community, both the penis and ass could be labeled with sympathetic things, like "Candy!" on the penis and "Everybody!" on the ass. The template itself doesn't judge! Just the people who put the words on it!