Aquaman #10

I think a jellyfish is stuck to her mouth.

Somebody named stickyshemale just began following my Tumblr account. I used to block porn accounts whenever I noticed them following me but then I had to think, "What if they're just really intelligent comic book fans who appreciate the hidden depths of my dick jokes?" And then I had to stop blocking them because I would hate it if I couldn't read the things that I wrote.

Mera is still putting up with the old lady tradition nonsense where they have to make sure she's fit to be the queen and also make sure she's a virgin, probably. Part of the tradition is to read her future to find out what kind of queen she'll be. It seems like maybe that's the only part that would matter! If they can really tell the future then what else does Mera have to learn? Just look at the seaweed leaves, makes sure the world isn't destroyed when Mera becomes queen, and then let her marry Arthur. So they look at her future and there's a hitch that makes it seem like maybe she shouldn't marry Arthur.

This story is called "Future Tide". Judging by this image and these Narration Boxes, I think I know what "tide" Abnett is talking about.

Apparently if Arthur marries Mera, he'll die and she'll go crazy and the world will end in something called The Deluge. I guess that's just the Atlantean equivalent of a Trump Presidency. I mean an apocalypse.

Mera is offended that the Widowhood think she's going to bring about the end of the world. She's all, "How can I be the bringer of destruction? Look at these fantastic tits! How could these cause any harm?!" I would also mention the full and tight ass. It's definitely not destroying anything in my pants. In fact, it's creating something!

The Widowhood decide that, based on the vision, maybe Mera isn't a good match for Arthur. That's dumb! Don't they know that prophecy always plays people for fools?! Obviously the prophecy means that because of the prophecy, the Widowhood do not allow Mera to marry Arthur, therefore he marries somebody who will wind up destroying the world. That's like Prophecy 101: Intro to Self-fulfilling Prophecies.

When she's told she can't marry Arthur, Mera wishes she were a land dweller so she could stomp her foot. Instead she has to be content with letting out a few bubbles of shock as she stares agape into her suddenly depressing and loveless future. It's also probably the future that will bring the Deluge, stupid prophets!

Mera decides to go hang out at the lighthouse in Amnesty Bay with Aquadog, a carton of Oreos, and a gallon of Earl Grey tea.

Why does she have to wring out her hair? Can't she just use her powers to remove the water?

The Prophet had a little more prophecy than the vision of the world drowning in menstrual blood. It said something about the name of the enemy being hidden in the lighthouse that howls, or something. So as Mera walks up to the lighthouse and hears Aquadog howling, she begins to feel the prophecy really did focus on her. But nobody cared about the Prophet's addendum! It was too abstruse. But I'm sure Mera will figure it out. I just hope she figures it out in this issue because I didn't buy Issue #11.

Mera finds a note from Stubbs, some woman she met in a previous story arc. She wants to meet with her so she can tell her about NEMO. Hey! They're Aquaman's real enemy! I just figured it out! Black Manta is going to disguise himself as a woman so he can marry Arthur and destroy the world! Boom. Now I don't have to worry about this story ending this issue because I guess what's going to happen. Even if I'm wrong, I'll never know because I'm not reading the next issue. And nobody reading this would be dickbag enough to destroy my delusion!

During the meeting, some NEMO operative named Broadsides tries to assassinate Mera and Stubbs. But he fails because he's terrible. Although he does get away. Afterward, Mera learns that Aquaman nearly died battling The Shaggy Man because she was off being tested to make sure she didn't pass on any sexually transmitted diseases on her wedding night with Aquaman.

The Ranking!
No change. I haven't really been interested in Aquaman since Issue #1 of The New 52 so it's off the pull list. It'll be hard to adjust to a comic book reading life of not making fun of Aquaman and sexually harassing fictional character Mera with my sexy words. I sort of hope the only Aquaman comics I ever read again are the ones by Peter David in the nineties. Mostly because I have those and I'll be rereading them at some point so I'd like to pretend that I want to.

Aquaman #8

Dammit! I forgot to photoshop a long, stringy fish poop coming out of Aquaman's butt!

The Commentary!
This issue begins strangely enough that I had to put it down for a few seconds. Thankfully taking that momentary respite helped me clear my head and I quickly realized what was happening. See, the first page of this issue has a woman with a drop cloth on her head and huge baggy sleeves standing in front of an upside down tower called the Tower of Widowhood. Her outfit is bizarre! The drop cloth on her head with the pull ropes probably serves some function but the huge, baggy sleeves? How do those function underwater? Shouldn't they be floating all around her face and getting in the way? Oh! They're probably weighted, right? I bet a lot of Atlantean clothing is weighted in the hems. Otherwise everybody in a dress would be walking around like Marilyn Monroe in that movie where you almost get to see her vagina!

I was thinking about starting a line of motivational YOLO posters. They would all have a black border around a picture with big white block letters in the lower band of black that read YOLO. The images on the first two posters would be the picture of Marilyn Monroe found dead in her bed and the picture of James Dean's crashed car. I'm not sure how they would be motivational but then I can't be responsible for every little thing! I'm the idea person! I need somebody else to deal with the spin, the angry reaction, the fallout, and procuring the papers for my eventual change of identity!

Before headphones and reading books were invented, this was a woman's go-to universal sign for "Leave me alone."

Oh! Before I got sidetracked, I was going to point out how I realized this first page was the beginning of the ritual to determine if Mera's vagina is good enough for the King's Penis. How could it not be?! Mera manipulates water! Imagine what she could do to a man's prostate with her super powers!

So Mera has to attend a secret meeting of elderly Atlantean widows to prove her worth. I bet there aren't any rituals at all! I bet they just go into the Tower of Widowhood, where men aren't allowed, and just talk shit about all the patriarchal fuckery that takes place in the kingdom. The Widows will probably serve tea and biscuits and tell Mera if she ever has an issue with Arthur, she can go to them and they'll create trouble for the king. Not young people trouble like vandalism and violence. Old people trouble like crashing their giant seahorses into the front window of convenience stores and "accidentally" urinating in public, preferably around the King's Palace. Eventually a widow close to the King, probably some kind of adviser or seer, will point out that all of his troubles began when he refused to let Mera do something, or treated her poorly, or wasn't satisfying her needs. Then he'll change his behavior and suddenly all of the old women will revert back to being decent, continent citizens.

Meanwhile, some rough beast stomps toward Atlantis to remind people that it was once born.

Aquaman tries communicating with the monstrosity using his fish talking super powers for the first time in many, many months. The creature punches him in the face. I think either Aquaman is out of practice and said something rude, or the beast is from Krypton and is just saying hello.

The monster takes damage from the Atlantean's laser guns but only the first time. After that, it's immune to them. Then it gets stabbed by Aquaman's trident but just once before it's immune to it. Oh! Oh! I know what this disgusting brown sludge covered in seaweed is! It must be Doomsday's poo!

While Aquaman is being killed, Mera is failing her Royal Wifely Duty Classes.

The real test is whether or not Mera finds saving her husband's life more important than some stodgy old traditions. My guess is she rushes out to save Aquaman and forfeits the marriage. That way, DC Comics has a plot driven reason for keeping the two unwed. And neither one will care because they'll be all, "We really love each other and we don't have to prove that to anybody!" Too bad. I wanted Mera to have an army of widows at her command.

After all of the mud and seaweed are knocked off the monster attacking Atlantis, Aquaman realizes it's The Shaggy Man. Yep. That's one of Amazo's robots! I think. It has all the same properties as Doomsday but it doesn't need to die after every injury to overcome the method of attack. Come to think of it, The Shaggy Man may as well have killed Superman! That probably would have made a better story than some unknown alien from space who just looks cool and has an apocalyptic name.

I bet The Shaggy Man has never been defeated by a giant hand of water stroking him off after which he'd fall into a deep sleep, right? Or is that how they captured him last time? Maybe Mera can do that prostate thing I mentioned earlier?

The Shaggy Man is headed for Amnesty Bay and Atlantis just happens to be in its path. So while Aquaman was just sort of casually concerned before that it might destroy Atlantis, he's suddenly terrified when he learns it might destroy the town where his dog is living! I bet Arthur defeats it by impaling it on his lighthouse. That's not a euphemism. Unless it got you excited reading it. Then I guess it's an inadvertent euphemism and you can jerk to it if you want.

The Ranking!
+0! I think with this biweekly schedule, every so often a writer just has to present a story that's mostly a fist fight with no real plot progression. That's going to get old quick, especially when they all take place about the same time as seems to be happening the last few weeks.

Aquaman #6

Mera is the most powerful hero in this fight because even Kryptonians get dehydrated.

The Facts!
• Aquaman and Mera have gone nuts and decided to defeat America single-handed. Or is that double-handed since there are two of them? How did I already get distracted by a digression in just the second sentence?

• It's not that Aquaman and Mera wanted to defeat the United States. It's just that the United States government didn't give them much choice. Everybody knows that if the federal government says, "You're under arrest," it's your duty as a responsible citizen to respond, "No, you're under arrest!" Then you scream about fascism and oppression as you're put in a choke-hold and wrestled to the ground. Except Mera and Aquaman were too strong to be wrestled to the ground by the entire Marine Corps. So the president got on the phone and called in Superman to rough up Aquaman and teach him a thing or two about the scam known as "resisting arrest".

• Anybody who has ever been arrested and their only charge was "resisting arrest" should be able to sue their law enforcement agency who arrested them. If I'm charged with resisting arrest, I'd better fucking be charged with something else which would be the arrest I was resisting. There's no fucking way anybody should ever be brought in simply for "resisting arrest." How about a little honesty, Law Enforcement Dickheads? Just call it what it actually is. "Arrested Because the Officer Felt Disrespected For the Slightest of Reasons."

• Superman tells Aquaman that "whatever this is, it's got to end, right here and now." Who died and made you...oh yeah! New 52 Superman died! But never mind that! Why does Superman think he's the arbiter of what can and can't happen? What if Eclipso had been all, "Whoa whoa whoa! You can't explode The Eradicator on the moon! You'll ruin the environment for my Moon Cows!" I'm sure Superman wouldn't have appreciated that since Superman didn't start the fight. Shouldn't Superman be directing his speech to the Marines? Shouldn't he be telling them that whatever this is, it ends now? They're the aggressors! Aquaman was just an innocent king trying to go home when America was all, "Just a second, sonny!" Superman does know that the person winning the fight isn't always the person responsible for the fight, right?

Holy shit. I agree with Aquaman.

• Superman responds by saying, "Oh yeah? You don't think I know what's going on? I'm Superman, bitch! I know this shit is about to escalate into World War Bore! That's what I call a land versus sea battle because who cares! What I'm trying to say here, Arthur, is that I'm talking to you because you're the only reasonable person in this conflict! The U.S. Government is already chanting 'Remember the Pontchartrain! Remember the Pontchartrain!" which, to be honest, is a pretty shitty chant. They really should give their battleships names that flow better and don't sound so foreign when used in a chant to get people's patriotic blood boiling. And I'm not talking to Mera because, frankly, she scares the kryptonite out of me. So fucking listen to me and knock this shit off before this escalation escalates!"

• And then Superman does something that Superman will live to regret until the day everybody stops laughing about how Aquaman laid him out in one punch: he puts his hand on Aquaman. When I turn the page, I hope Arthur lays out Clark in one punch or else my previous statement will be faulty.

Whew! Still a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sometimes I worry I'm losing it!

• I didn't know Atlanteans were so flexible! Aquaman would be great at Butt-Boob Showcases!

• Aquaman's frustration at being the laughingstock of the Justice League comes out and he begins beating the shit out of Superman. This is like that time I finally rose up against the brutal regime of my sister when she switched the television from MTV showing Lionel Richie's video of "Hello"! Sometimes enough is more than fucking enough!

• Superman suddenly wants to show that the members of the Justice League don't believe they're above the law by helping detain Aquaman via the quite suspect Patriot Act. That's funny, Superman. I don't seem to recall you interfering with Batman while he constantly breaks the law in Gotham City with his vigilante justice. I'm starting to see who's getting their dick sucked in the oval office this term. And who's doing the super sucking.

• Tula and the Atlantean army arrive to help rescue their king. But they don't attack immediately because they're not Americans. I mean violent animals. Was that redundant? Superman mostly decides that Atlantis not attacking might be good enough for now. But he still decides to be a dick about it.

Or else what?! Fuck off, Superman! This is why Lawful Good people suck. Because they're just as prone to commit violence as a Chaotic Evil person. It's just they feel justified by their righteousness.

• Meanwhile, Black Manta kills The Fisherman and takes over NEMO. So I guess NEMO is no longer interested in world conquest. It's Aquaman killing time!

• Aquaman swims back to Atlantis while the United States sits and fumes. Now they're probably pissed at Superman too! How dare he stand in the way of America when they're spending billions of dollars and risking thousands of lives to get revenge over what amounts to a negligible slight in the glint in the eye of history! How is America supposed to feel catharsis if they can't throw a huge tantrum which results in the death of hundreds of thousands of people?! It's not fair, Superman! It's just not fair!

• Apparently Aquaman now has to fix relations with America or else!

My Super Secret Opinions!
I wish Superman and Aquaman would just fuck already.

Ranking: +1!

Aquaman #5

At first I thought the soldiers were named after various whiskies but then I saw "Eltaeb" and I thought, "Oh! These must be soldiers who graduated from the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley!"

The Review!
In this issue, Aquaman and Mera prove to the United States government that they shouldn't go to war with Atlantis. Two Atlanteans (well, one and a Xenian or whatever) basically dismantle the entire marine corps during their escape from the detention cell where Arthur was being held for resisting arrest or terrorism or looking at the president side-eyed. Events have completely spiraled out of control to a point well past my usual limits of credulity (even for a comic book!). But for some reason, I don't really mind. Aquaman is finding out how America tends to go crazy when too many people say the word terrorism. And Atlantis isn't really known for their patience or reluctance to mobilize for war. So every event is doubling down on the initial misunderstanding and it all stemmed from Black Manta's attack on the Atlantean Embassy. He must be pretty damn proud! What I'm trying to say is Dan Abnett's telling an enjoyable Aquaman story that could maybe use less troops attacking Aquaman and less Mera going directly to the belief that her marriage is over before it begun. This isn't about your future nuptials, Mera! This is an international incident!

The Commentary!
Sometimes when I complain about a comic book, I complain about the writer's decisions. And other times, I complain as if the character were making stupid mistakes and completely ignore the writer's involvement. I like myself best when I'm pretending to be unaware of the artists behind the art. I like to get so wrapped up in a comic book that I scream at Aquaman when he does something stupid (almost always) rather than let Aquaman off the hook and blame the writer behind his actions. Plus I probably shouldn't be so mean to people just trying to earn a living when they're obviously struggling so hard to be competent at their work. I'm not naming any specific Cullen Bunns here! I mean names! This revelation is more about me anyway. I should be a kinder person! It's okay to mock Aquaman as much as I like (which is really, really, really, really a lot!) but I probably shouldn't enjoy mocking the struggling artists giving about 30% of their all to entertain the masses. Seriously though! Why should I expect them to give 100%?! I can hardly ever muster 100% even for things I'm enthusiastic about!

Last issue, Aquaman was trying to solve problems by diplomacy. But his main problem with solving this problem diplomatically is that he's trying to use diplomacy with the United States of America. Their entire playbook for diplomacy involves making power plays. The number one rule when America goes into a diplomatic situation is to make sure the other person knows who is in charge! Aquaman was playing by their rules for the most part, allowing them to prove they're in charge by locking him up so they can exhibit the only other part of their diplomatic plan: control! First you show people who is in charge! Then you control the entire situation and shit all over the word compromise! It might not make you the most likeable or seemingly intelligent country on the block but it definitely lines your pockets with the lunch money of all those other nerd countries.

Aquaman was playing the part like a great king does. He bent over at all the right times and he spread his ass cheeks at just the right time and he made sure to keep saying America's name in pleasurable moans. The American government was confused by his willingness to submit because that screws up most of their power play. When they bump against some Atlantean squirt at the bar, they hope the Atlantean squirt will say something like "Excuse me!" or "Oh, sorry I was standing here!" that will give America a reason to bust their chops. Hell, even just looking annoyed that America bumped them and caused them to spill their drink is reason enough to invade the fuck out somebody. So when Aquaman just kept taking it without giving America a reason to get violent, they weren't sure what to do next. Luckily they had a plan! Bump into Mera!

Mera, of course, is no Aquaman. She does not bend over. She does not spread her ass cheeks. What she does do is immediately being buckling the strap on because she's about to do some good old fashion pegging on America! She immediately flips the fuck out and breaks Aquaman out of prison. America breathes a sigh of relief because they know how to handle this kind of terrorist uprising! They send the entire military to meet Aquaman and Mera as they try to escape the detention center to kill the fuck out Aquaman and Mera. Yay America. Yay. Ya...oh god. I'm so sorry, the rest of the world! I'm so fucking sorry! Most of us can't apologize enough for the twats running the show and their obsequious lackeys coming in their pants at the thought of dropping bombs or long, protracted invasions.

Mera is strapped on and ready to teach the Marines a new tactic.

Mera throws a tank at a helicopter and half the marines shit themselves. But Aquaman makes sure to save everybody who should be dead due to Mera's wrath. Luckily for the marines, he believes in non-violent solutions. Or, at least, non-lethal solutions! It's not like he's going to try to stop Mera from punching every single one of them in their stupid faces. I mean, he eventually drags her away but he seems to take his time.

It would be nice to imagine this as a fictional, hyperbolic attitude of the government of the United States, wouldn't it?

I realize I'm being too hard on these fictional government entities (and by extension, the non-fictional ones) when the Chief of Staff points out that Aquaman is the least important member of the Justice League and just the fish guy. This guy is actually all right and I'm beginning to see his point that Aquaman needs to be killed.

Although I think I'm being way too lenient on the marines! Who are these guys who just unthinkingly follow orders?! Man, it must be such a sweet life! You never have to worry about your own ethics or desires! You never have to worry about being responsible for anything (until somebody higher up needs a patsy, of course!). You can just sit back, shoot whomever you're told to shoot, and collect that sweet, sweet government paycheck! And now you don't even need to worry so much about horrible civilian attitudes coming back from war like in the Vietnam days! People are wearing shirts that say shit like "Home of the Free Because of the Brave" and think of every soldier as a hero and sing songs like "Freedom isn't free!" And nobody ever argues how those attitudes are harmful because you can't have a thoughtful conversation about patriotism and imperialism and warmongering without coming off as unsympathetic of the plight of the soldier in this day and age. I will say this though about that stupid fucking t-shirt I mentioned: if you think America is free due to our overseas violence, you're probably a moron.

On minor disagreement and Mera goes straight to the wedding being off!

I realize calling people who believe something other than I do a moron isn't ever helpful. But sometimes a person just becomes exhausted with everybody who thinks they're smart or hold well-considered opinions but they just aren't and they just don't. And anything I say will just produce the exact result from the other side, where I'm called a moron because I might think that doing nothing after 9/11 would have been better for the world than demanding more blood from any country we could paint as the source of the problem. Just looking at it from the American side alone and ignoring any casualties from other countries, we would have had far less American deaths from 9/11 had we reacted less violently. Rushing out and murdering other people because some of us were murdered is gangland tactics. Protecting citizens from another catastrophe like this? That's what governments are supposed to do.

I've said enough! This is about that fish guy and not about pissing off my dumb-dumb conservative readership!

Meanwhile in Atlantis, Tula, the current regent while Arthur is above water, decides de-escalation is what is called for in this trying time! But then she gets a report that the United States military is trying to kill their King and his fiance and Tula decides maybe de-de-escalation is the better way to go!

I think this situation is properly fubared. Which is probably why the president calls in Superman to handle the situation. Although, judging from Superman's past, this encounter isn't exactly going to break out in an intelligent conversation.

Aquaman #4

Poseidon loves to cup a good ball sack.

The Review!
So Dan Abnett is writing a decent Aquaman comic book. It's even better than decent if you can stomach reading about Aquaman and even better than better than decent if you love international diplomacy stories! And if you enjoy the corpses of American servicemen being eaten by sharks, well have I got a fucking cherry on top for you! Seriously though. I don't think I made fun of Aquaman once during this commentary! I mean, I probably did. But I didn't thoroughly enjoy it like I usually do. I was probably thinking, "Why am I being so mean when Aquaman is just trying to do the right thing?" No wait. I was thinking, "I hope Aquaman spanks Mera's naked bottom next issue for being so naughty!"

The Commentary!
Every day I think, "This is the day I'm going to sit down and really take a good whack at the comic book stack! I can get on a roll and write five or six reviews, maybe read a few old New Titans, call Deathstroke 'Douchéstork' a few times, and answer one or two asks as sarcastically as possible!" Then I sit down, check Twitter, get annoyed by the morons I know on Facebook, sigh, and go play the Xbox for six hours. Partially that's because I had a stressful work week. Owning your own business sometimes comes with having to do work things during times not allocated for work! I know. It's fucking ridiculous. You'd think that by owning your own business, you could just goof around all day telling other people to get to work. I suppose I need more employees than just me for that to happen though. But then, who wants to work with other people? They're all fucking ridiculous!

On the plus side, I got to meet Old Man Roger on Wednesday. He retired from the floor cleaning supplies retail business twenty years ago. He sold me a used floor buffer for three hundred dollars which is far less than I thought I was going to have to pay when my old one broke down on Sunday night. He also tried to sell me a scrubber, another buffer, a broom, his garage, and I think his granddaughter. If I had known he had so many things and people to sell, I would have made some room in the work van before driving out to where he lived at Bumfuck Farms. I will say one of those things he offered me really made my dick hard. But for $1700, I just couldn't justify buying another floor scrubber.

Last issue, Aquaman was arrested by the US Government for being a boring idiot. Mera tried to get him to argue but he was all, "Shh, Mera. You know they're right." He then went quietly to jail. I'm surprised he didn't keep yelling, "Diplomatic immunity!" Maybe that doesn't work anymore now that anybody can be held for any reason, as long as a white person thinks they're a terrorist.

Maybe if you tightened up your material. I mean, seriously, a turbot? Nobody is laughing at the mention of a turbot. Maybe if it were a sight gag, sure! But you're just confusing land dwellers with the word.

Aquaman wants the relationship between Atlantis and the United States of America to work out so badly that he makes a huge mistake. He allows the government to detain him without any proper procedure at all! A battleship is sunk by people who are probably of the Atlantean race and it's automatically an act of war and a reason to detain the leader of the foreign power? We all see how ridiculous that is, right? I mean, it makes for a good story in that it allows Aquaman to play the stoic, righteous man trying to retain his dignity in the face of incompetence and paranoia! But it's still stupid.

Mera gets on her shell phone (I stole that joke from a ceramic mermaid in a toilet paper commercial! Unless the commercial is for an Audi or cat food. I'm terrible at remembering the brands attached to advertisements!) to call Atlantis and bitch about how the US is fucking Aquaman. I was going to say she's on the phone "bitching," but I realized that's totally...oh wait! I did say "bitch". Never mind.

Tula is on the other end of the shell trying to calm Mera down. You know Tula! It's Aquagirl! Her Rebirth outfit is yellow and green because Aquaman must have ordered her to look more ridiculous than he does. Tula is currently regent of Atlantis which means she's in charge but people totally roll their eyes when she gives a command. So many magistrates and officials under her are making jerk-off hand motions whenever she gives an order that they've created a tsunami that will probably wipe out the Canary Islands. That could probably be an apocalyptic coal mine joke if you wanted it to be.

Tula is having trouble with the people of Atlantis because they're demanding Tula do something about Aquaman's captivity. How do they know about it already?! These things need to be handled discreetly, Tula! No wonder you'll never be more than a regent! While discussing the situation with Mera, Tula says, about being on land, "I remember cotton candy, the best thing ever." Dan Abnett included that because it's the kind of stupid cute shit the young people like. "Oh my god! Tula loves cotton candy! It's totally canon! I'm screaming!" I'm just saddened by the thought because she can never enjoy cotton candy under the sea.

Murk and the Drift investigate the scene of the sunken American battleship. It's pretty cool because there are dead soldiers everywhere and sharks swimming around eating their dicks. That was a reference to a previous commentary. Try to keep up! I do that sometimes because I only ever read the things I write. You won't get any tired Biblical allegories out of me! No way! It's all self-referential masturbatory bullshit up in here!

While Murk is investigating, he waits around too long because that adds to the drama.

It would be a boring comic book if Murk and the Drift hadn't been sighted by the military!

Murk engages in combat with the military while saying incriminating things like, "We are discovered!" and "Americans can suck my nuts!" He really isn't a very good diplomat. Although who hasn't yelled "Americans can suck my nuts!" one or two times in their life? Per week, I mean.

Meanwhile, Black Manta is flying around in a NEMO airplane called an Albatross. It's called that because that's a sea bird and it glides for long stretches of time without having to land. That's the totality of my knowledge of albatrosses unless you want me to start singing Iron Maiden. Black Manta learns that NEMO stands for "Nautical Enforcement of Macrocosmic Order" which is stupid because all comic book acronyms are ultimately stupid. That's because they're made up after the fact. You want an organization that revolves around conquest of the oceans? How about NEMO! You want an organization that has eyes everywhere? ARGUS! You want an organization the you're too stupid to think up words to fit the acronym? NOWHERE! You want an organization that both hides in the shadows and casts its shadow across the world? SHADE! You want an organization for a science and research lab that's actually a pretty fucking good one and not surprising DC has used it for so long? STAR Labs!

Black Jack lets Black Manta know that she isn't appropriating the term "black" at all because she's probably got some African ancestors five or six generations back. She also lets him know that NEMO has been controlling the oceans since 1983. So Pre-crisis! I think she also almost reveals that their leader is Ocean Master. She calls him the Fisher King so it's either him or Jesus. Or maybe a third person I haven't thought of yet. Like maybe Fisherman? I could see why they might want to update his super villain name to Fisher King! I mean, Fisherman? Somebody pulled a paycheck thinking up that one?

Back at the White House, some high-minded official decides to threaten to arrest Mera which is exactly the wrong move if you want things to go peacefully but totally the right move if this is a comic book. And it is a comic book, so good writing, Dan Abnett! More drama is about to ensue as Mera breaks Arthur out of his holding cell just as he's about to talk his way out diplomatically. Oh Mera! You're such a red-headed female! I mean, you're passionate! I don't know why I said those other stereotypical things. I just meant she's a total individual and she could have been meek or passionate even with red hair but she wound up being passionate!

See? Like I said! Passionate!

Aquaman and Mera break out of the holding facility to find themselves surrounded by a good percentage of the United States military. Well, it was a good attempt, Mera. It's just that usually when people attempt something and fail, it doesn't wind up starting a war.

Aquaman #1

I would read this comic book! Too bad this comic book won't be this comic book, you know?

The Review!
Black Manta returns! I don't know why I used an exclamation point on that previous sentence. I'm bored of Black Manta and his incessant need for vengeance. Get over it already! Stop letting your father's death at the hands of Aquaman define you! Find motivation outside of your need for revenge! Get a new costume because that helmet and the way it makes your neck look extra long totally creep me out. I enjoyed the first half of this comic book that was setting up what could be an entertaining and continuous B Story of life inside Spindrift Station. But the second half was all, "Whoops! Spindrift Station is being destroyed! No more sitcom located within an embassy full of land dwellers and sea dwellers having hilarious cultural misunderstandings! Oh, and the goofy comedy relief reporter? He's actually dead in a trunk. Ha ha!" That's what I get for insisting the last few issues of New 52 Aquaman were too boring with all of the talking and more talking about stuff that didn't matter. Now when the talking is entertaining me, it's blown up for the sake of Black Manta drama! I hate that guy!

The Commentary!
I didn't realize until just now which is two weeks after reading it that Aquaman Rebirth #1 wasn't even about Aquaman. It wasn't setting up Aquaman's new status quo at all. It was that jerk Black Manta's story! It was about setting up his plans and goals (which aren't very nice, by the way). I don't want to read Aquaman stories that are really Black Manta stories! I don't even want to read Aquaman stories! What was even worse was Black Manta's plan to get even with Aquaman was to kill Mera who has nothing to do with the beef between Manta and Aquaman. If Black Manta was trying to garner enough sympathy over the whole Aquaman killed his dad thing so that maybe Black Manta can get his own Deathstroke-type comic book, he's going about it the wrong way! He should not be driven by simple vengeance. He should be an eco-terrorist who believes Aquaman's policies and dealings with the surface world will bring ruin to the oceans and thus the world! He should be a critique of tree-huggers because nobody likes tree-huggers anyway! I mean, some people do but then they've never actually sat down and had brunch with one. Eco-blah, eco-blah, eco-blah! Give it a rest! We get it! We're making the Earth unlivable! Well, you're making my pancakes inedible!

The issue begins with Mera and Arthur sharing some coffee in the morning.

I'm glad Mera didn't have time to put on pants before going outside!

The new artist really loves to draw hair! I bet he hates drawing Black Manta!

Black Manta is probably happy Mera forgot her pants too because he's voyeuring them up right now! He really means business. Who gets up this early to assassinate somebody?

Oh no! I hope Black Manta doesn't kill Aquadog! If Black Manta kills Aquadog, I will stop reading this comic book. Seriously. If Rebirth becomes all about killing people's pets, I might have to break up with it. It's okay if he kills Garth or Tula though. I've never been comfortable with the Aquakids.

The action moves to Spindrift Station, Atanta's embassy on the East Coast of the United States. I almost asked if any kind of action ever takes place at an embassy and then I remember Lethal Weapon II. Oh! And Benghazi! And Beirut! And Saigon! And Tehran! And Beirut! And...well, I can't think of all of the others because there have been so many attacks on US embassies. So it's a good thing I didn't ask about action at embassies! It's like other people don't want US Embassies in their countries! Is it the decor?

Entering Spindrift Station for the first time are Daily Planet reporter Ray Delane and British Navy Lieutenant Joanna Stubbs. I guess they're going to be the supporting cast of this situation comedy. Land dwellers dealing with fish people! Wacky! How many times will Ray Delane put his foot in his mouth? Ordering fish sticks at the commissary! Oh, you rascal!

Stubbs almost has sex with Sark, one of the king's guard, before Aquaman shows up to say a words. I hope the first thing he explains is how he doesn't actually speak with fish and that land-dwellers are idiots to think so. Instead of saying anything useful, Aquaman sends everybody to eat appetizers. Ray Delane gets sick eating sea slugs and wanders out of sight to throw up. Or to plant bombs.

Darn! I thought Ray Delane was going to be the comedic relief! Black Manta isn't anywhere near as funny.

Where did Black Manta get that kind of technology? I don't mean the technology to look like a completely different person! I mean the technology to shove sea slugs into his mask so that it looked like he was eating them as Ray Delaney?

Black Manta sets off some bombs and kills a bunch of people. Oh man. The Republicans are going to investigate the shit out of Aquaman on this debacle! I hope Aquaman doesn't have a private email server or has never received oral sex from Vulko.

Mera gets harpooned in the chest while trying to keep Spindrift Station from flooding. Did that passive sentence make it sound like Mera is at fault for getting harpooned? I didn't mean it that way! I just figured everybody knows who was doing the harpooning so it gave me some leeway with my sentence structure!

Aquaman isn't as devastated as Black Manta thought he would be but he's exactly as extra angry as I warned the fictional comic book character Black Manta he would be.

Well, you did murder his father (technically. Does technically count in murder?)! And he did stop! Actually he didn't stop. He went and murdered your father because you murdered his. Hmm. Carry on!

I think if Black Manta and Aquaman just had some couples counseling, they might be able to work through this issue. It's not like either one of them meant to kill the other one's father! Arthur was just trying to kill Black Manta! That's got to count for something. It's better than Black Manta trying to kill Mera because Aquaman killed Black Manta's dad. That's a total dick move which is why Black Manta is wrong. If Manta were just trying to kill Aquaman, I'd be okay with that!

Black Manta's goal isn't just to kill Aquaman. He also wants the surface world to hate and fear him. So it's a good thing Black Manta is acting like a terrorist and killing innocent people and destroying an embassy and attempting to assassinate a king to boot! Everybody will be totally willing to see his side of things now!

Aquaman Rebirth #1

No matter how many Rebirths Aquaman has to suffer through, he'll never be cool.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing Aquaman must be difficult! Whenever I try to write a story focusing on a character without any personality whatsoever, I usually wind up getting a call from my publisher saying, "This is unpublishable dreck. As usual." I think the "as usual" is a bit harsh and unneeded! But she usually continues with something like, "Make me interested in the lead character! Give me something to care about! Maybe write more than three double-spaced pages with large font." And yet DC somehow manages to keep selling Aquaman comic books! Maybe I should see if DC would like to publish some of my stories? Or maybe my publisher will identify with my main character if I remind the reader that the character is stoic! Let me try!

Stoically, Pete the Vampire Hunter thought, "Hmm, that is a werewolf. I hunt vampires! I guess I'll go home and stoically have some popcorn." Stoically, Pete, the stoic person, walked off as the werewolf mauled the children at the playground.

Wow! That's so much better! I'm going to send my publisher a query about Pete the Vampire Hunter immediately! I wonder if I should make a note that this Pete is not the same Pete from A Really Scary Story? Or maybe it is! This can be the sequel! A Really Scary Story Two! Or should I be extra cool and call it A Really Scary Story Too? Hopefully that wouldn't confuse Tumblr User discardvibes two much! Ha ha! That "two" was a joke and not me being stupid!

The issue begins by trying to impress the reader by claiming that Aquaman is the king of 97% of the global biosomething or other! Yeah, but it's all fish! Not that there's anything wrong with fish. But it's not like there's anything in the ocean as cute as a kitten or a raccoon! Maybe a baby dolphin with a pink ribbon on its head. But how many of those can there be? Even after I dropped all those pink ribbons into the Pacific, I doubt more than one of them came to rest on the head of a baby dolphin! No, Aquaman doesn't rule over anything cute. He rules over fish and feces-filled water! Big deal! Although if he can talk to dolphins and whales and get them to do whatever he wants, what's stopping him from commanding a kitten that has fallen off of a boat? They're all mammals! Why can he talk to some mammals as well as fish? Maybe that's not a super power! Maybe he just knows the language of dolphins and whales and manatees and asks them politely to help him. But fish he's got to be all, "Do the thing I want! DO IT! You stupid imbecile! Do it already!" Because fish have small brains! I know that because my publisher often calls me "a fish-brained moron."

I wonder if I should find a new publisher?

Mera has put on her old uniform while she plays the Penny-One to Aquaman's watery Batman. They're going after a group of oceanic terrorists who call themselves The Deluge.

Why does Aquaman think fish can help stop a typhoon or a seaquake? And why is he calling a boatload of refugees "migrants"? How insulting! I think. I mean, I want it to be insulting so I can act like I'm angry at Aquaman. Although it's his narrator that said those things! Wait a second. A narrator?! What kind of crap are you trying to pull, Rebirth?!

The Deluge want to blow up an East Coast city but Aquaman doesn't want an East Coast city blown up. He's recently made the cover of Time magazine and now he just wants his dessert. Although I don't know why he made the cover along with Superman and Wonder Woman. I guess Batman was busy. Or dead.

Next we get to the part of the Retcon or Rebirth or New Direction where the writer tells the reader explicitly to stop thinking Aquaman is a joke.

The Narrator sounds like they're trying to convince themselves!

I already countered the argument the Narrator is making here way back in my review of Aquaman #15! Here, I'll remind you of it by making you read it:

The main group of people that refuse to make fun of Aquaman are those solidly in the Us (comic book readers) versus Them (socially active people) camp. They want to prove that people that make fun of Aquaman are ignorant of his actual powers and abilities. But this stand isn’t about Aquaman at all. It’s about one upping those other jerks that think they’re so cool drinking alcoholic beverages and kissing women on the mouth. Defending Aquaman is never about Aquaman. Let’s face it. We all know he’s the worst Justice League member ever. Defending Aquaman is about making oneself look more knowledgeable than those that would demean Aquaman. It’s about feeling superior. “You make fun of Aquaman because you just don’t get him. *snrt*”

I assure you all: I get him! But I will stand by my right to make fun of him! It’s in the fucking constitution, people! Also, I want to fit in with those people drinking and kissing! “Aquaman fucks fish, amirite?” Now somebody fetch me a drink and kiss me on the mouth already!

You know what else is the problem? Nobody has an obligation to write Aquaman as if the people of the DC Universe are the same kinds of assholes as the people of the comic book reading universe! The populace of the DCU doesn't have to believe Aquaman is a joke! You can make them believe he's a hero! If you don't want people laughing at him, don't write people laughing at him. And if you don't think the readers will accept that then you're already admitting defeat! You want Aquaman to be heroic and respected in the Rebirth Universe? Then don't acknowledge that he's a laughingstock! Just try to ignore that fact! Think of it this way. I have been reading New 52 Superman for five years and screaming, "Why does everybody hate him? Why are you writing a universe where everybody hates and mistrusts him?!" For five years and you ignored me that entire time! So why don't you do the same thing with all of the Aquaman haters? Let them scream into the void that Aquaman is a joke and he's not heroic and he's the stupidest member of the Justice League and not much thought went into creating him and he has no personality and he has sex with fish and his comic book never sells great no matter how long DC makes his hair or how hooky DC makes his hand! Just ignore them and pretend that Aquaman isn't a stupid joke!

I mean, I don't really care. I think it's funny that you've decided to kowtow to the Aquaman haters and acknowledge, within the DC Universe, that people make fun of him constantly. It's kind of a dick editorial move but whatever!

The point of all of this narration is to make sure the reader understands Aquaman. It's all, "He's stoic and exciting! Like a lighthouse! I mean, sure, a lighthouse is only exciting for the one, singular climb to the top and then you're all, 'That's it? Okay. I get it. That's a lighthouse. Never need to read another issue of that!'" And like a lighthouse, Aquaman makes sure boats don't wind up on land and cars don't wind up in the ocean! He's a true hero of both the land and the sea. But like a lighthouse, nobody likes him! They're all, "Well, I can see the point of it. But does it really need to shine that light all night? Annoying! Might as well hang some heavy duty wind-chimes off the side and piss everybody off!"

Yeah, but, come on! The dolphins and whales must talk to him, right?

The Narrator winds up being Black Manta so I guess I'm done being surprised about a narrator appearing in a comic book. I mean a third-person, omniscient narrator and not a character narrating the story to an imagined audience. I mean, the audience is made up of me and the other readers! But Black Manta doesn't know that! There's no reason he should be narrating this story if he's not explicating it to anybody! Anyway, Black Manta wants to kill Mera to make Aquaman feel bad and then he'll kill Aquaman after that. It's one of those dumb plans villains always rely on. Killing Mera will just make the Women in Refrigerators set mad! Oh, also it'll make Aquaman mad! And a mad Aquaman won't be as easy to kill. Plus, Black Manta, don't you think it's just time to call it even? You killed Arthur's dad; he killed your dad. Can't you just call the whole thing off?

Aquaman #44

Totally worth it.

This issue begins with Aquaman creeping on Mera while she sleeps.

I guess you can draw erect penises in comic books as long as you tell the censors, "No! No! That's not a boner at all! It's totally something else that isn't a boner. Seriously. Not a boner."

Speaking of censors, you can tell they must all be really old fuddy-duddies. Have any of you been watching Scream Queens? That show should be blowing the censors' minds! But all of the disgusting language is said too quickly and with words they're not used to for them to be bothered noticing. At one point, Chanel #1 calls the other Chanels a bunch of gashes. She may as well have called them cunts. In fact, calling them cunts is less disgusting than calling them gashes! It's just that everybody is trained to react negatively to hearing the word "cunt" as opposed to hearing a perfectly ordinary word like "gash" and being all, "Oh, yeah. That's cool. Much better to call a woman a slang term for her private parts which is truly descriptively horrific than to have them called the C-word!" It's moments like that in the show that make me hate it less than I'm desperately trying to hate it. I'll be watching it going, "Oh for fuck's sake! Are the writers really going to be that lazy and write the scene where a guy tells a woman to smile and then the woman kicks the shit out of him?! That's like a rock star playing a concert in Cleveland and screaming, 'Cleveland is the greatest city in America!' It's money in the bank!" But then Chanel #1 will call all the women "gashes," and I'll be saying, "That'll do, TV Show. That'll do." Suck it, old censors! You can't muzzle the youth! You can only look around confused until you finally just sign off on the show rather than admitting you didn't understand fully three quarters of it.

Just talk? The erection says otherwise.

Aquaman asks Mera why they're fighting. Luckily for Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire, he showed the readers that Mera is actually her evil twin Siren. Otherwise Mera being upset with Arthur about how he will destroy everything they've built together wouldn't make any sense. Because Mera didn't build anything with Aquaman when it comes to Atlantis. All they built together was a comfortable little home in a lighthouse with a dog they eventually abandoned. She also decides to be angry instead of calmly trying to work through the problem with Aquaman. Unluckily for Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire, he's writing Aquaman so that Aquaman doesn't have any problem with Mera acting this way. I'm just a comic book reader who isn't in love with Mera (probably) and I know this is totally out of character. So Aquaman should also realize this is out of character and that Mera isn't making any sense at all. Almost as if Mera doesn't know what she's talking about because it isn't Mera! I suppose eight pages later, Aquaman can say something like, "I know that can't be Mera! I must get to the bottom of it and save the woman I love!" But that probably won't happen because Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire is writing a variant version of Aquaman and Mera that he created to destroy everybody's love of Aquaman! See, Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire works for Marvel and they've never been happy with Aquaman having stolen Namor's thunder.

Aquaman tells Mera all about the alternate Atlantis called Thule which is totally boring because I read this comic book last month and already heard all of this shit. I bet it won't even convince Mera since she's actually Siren which means I'm hearing all about the wizards of Thule again for no good reason! Why are new readers more important than me?! Let them scour the quarter bins for the previous issues of Aquaman if they want to know all of the little details! Don't make me reread the same shit every month!

Aquaman decides he doesn't care that Mera is acting like an unfeeling jerk because he's got a huge boner that needs satisfying.

Those are Sea Roses! They bloom best in salt rich and high pressure environments!

The Sea Roses aren't the only weird part about living underwater in Atlantis. Mera's royal bedchamber isn't in any kind of bubble so she's just sleeping completely submerged in water. Along with her mattress. And her blankets. And her pillows. And the couch in the corner covered in sopping wet throw pillows. It really seems like a truly uncomfortable place!

After they have sex, Aquaman says "Well, that was..." and Mera finishes with "A mistake?" So far, that's the only moment that's struck me as truthful according to my experience!

After Aquaman puts his clothes back on, Mera transforms into Siren. Am I supposed to be angry about this because it was rape? I think I'm supposed to be mad about it. Right? I'm trying but the only thing I've really been offended by in this comic book so far were those roses underwater!

I can't wait until Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire writes the scene where Mera gets upset at Aquaman for not realizing it wasn't her when he was being raped by her sister! That'll be a classy moment!

She wouldn't!

Siren stabs Aquaman in the chest so he teleports away. But since he wasn't concentrating while teleporting, he winds up on another planet. What a shocker of an ending! And by that, I mean what an ending that was obviously thought up simply to end the comic book in an unexpected way which has nothing to do with the story at hand. It's a real "I'm One-Face now!" shocker of an ending!

Aquaman #44 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you're an Aquaman fan, don't bother reading this book. If you're a Mera fan, don't even look at this book. This book is a disaster. DC Comics may as well have just shipped out a bunch of baggies with dog shit in them and stuck Post-It Notes on them which read "Aquaman #44." Hell, I probably would have gotten more for my money if they'd done that.

Aquaman #43

In this issue, we'd better find out that Mera is under the influence of the Thules or this shit makes no sense. Unless Aquaman fucked Ya'wara.

Recently I scanned in a picture from Justice League of America #2 where Aquaman points out that Rao is a piece of shit god and gods don't actually exist and religion is stupid. I then captioned it with "And just like that, Aquaman is my favorite hero." Or something. I just want everybody to know that that didn't really make Aquaman my favorite hero, okay? Even if that was the most bad-ass thing ever said by a character in a comic book, it still wouldn't make up for years of Aquaman trying desperately to be serious and liked by all of the fanboys. See, I don't hate Aquaman. I hate Aquaman since around the time he had that four issue mini-series sometime in the mid-80s. It was the one where he got his new suit that looked like water. I won't say I hated him during the time Peter David was writing him but I was hurt that he was turning his back on silly, whimsical, giant seahorse riding Aquaman to become a darker, grimmer king of the sea. I want the Aquaman that causes fanboys to mock him as being the guy who talks to fish. Well, that's his main power. He should talk with fish. And when I say "talk," I mean talk. I don't mean command them to throw their lives away at his expense. I mean he should have a discussion with them and ask if they'll help him defeat Black Manta yet again. Then he should have to owe them a favor so that sometime during some huge Justice League cosmic crisis, he'd turn to Batman in the middle of the battle and be all, "Oh shit. There's something I have to take care of!" Then he'll rush off to the ocean to play midwife to a pod of whales while the universe is on the brink of destruction. Because he promised and he's the King of Atlantis and he must keep his promises or everything in his kingdom will fall apart.

That's the Aquaman I'd like to see. The Aquaman I don't want to see? This one currently being written by His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire. This Aquaman isn't Aquaman at all. I guess Cullen Bunn couldn't think up a story where Aquaman speaks with fish. So instead, he gave Aquaman a shitload of super powers. Now Aquaman can freeze things in ice and make pillars of rock shoot out of the ground and teleport. What editor thought that was a good idea? That's like DC Comics having a press conference and declaring once and for all that they also think Aquaman is a useless piece of garbage. Apparently he's not an exciting enough hero if he's just speaking with fish and acting morose. He's also got to have new super powers and be on the run from Atlantis and be hated by his fiance as well. This Aquaman blows. I like the Aquaman that tells priests to suck it!

Last issue, Aquaman is all, "I have to go stop the incursion and I don't want you to come. Stay and reign over Atlantis!" Now he's all, "Never mind! You should be at my side when I tell the Atlanteans about the change of plans because you know how much they've come to love and trust you even though they hated you right up until ten minutes ago when I told them not to hate you." So then Mera is all, "Fuck that, you traitor!"

Mera decides that talking is the wrong way to go about having a conversation so she pins Arthur to the wall with her water powers. Then she points out how Aquaman made her Queen of Atlantis so she has to protect Atlantis. The way to protect Atlantis, I suppose, is to beat the shit out of the guy who's supposed to be saving it. But see, it's okay to beat him up now because he doesn't plan on saving Atlantis immediately. He'd rather save some innocent Atlanteans from another bloodline before he destroys the place they're currently held captive. Mera rightly realizes that that would cause harm to her new kingdom so she threatens the only person who can save her new kingdom which seems like it could harm her new kingdom which means maybe she should be attacking herself? Logic is hard.

Sodomizing your fiance with a trident is a pretty hefty cost though.

This makes sense because Mera is obviously under the influence of the Thule invaders. The comic is more dramatic if Mera is brainwashed into hating Aquaman even if that's the kind of thing that happens in comic books every time you turn around. It must be a really good plot twist since it gets used so much.

Back in the present, Aquaman and Garth seem to have come to a truce since an ancient juggernaut has awakened and is threatening to smash them both into fishy smelling jelly.

Yay! We all came to an agreement! Pump your fists in the air!

Aquaman has another flashback where Extriax the Wizard from Old Atlantis is all, "Dudebro. Your people suck." So then Aquaman tells a joke about Mera's violent temper and isn't at all concerned about his people turning against him. I don't know how he can laugh off being attacked by Mera! Unless he realizes she's not really mad at him. She's just under the control of some monster from Thule and probably in serious danger. Oh well! Time to go save some Old Atlanteans while not dealing with the Mera problem at all. There's no time to deal with that! It'll be much quicker to save the Old Atlanteans while the New Atlanteans are constantly trying to assassinate Arthur. Plus remember how Thule is dipping their toe in the water? That's like a timer counting down to zero. Shit has to happen fast!

Aquaman points out (back in the present while fighting alongside King Shark) that his new powers also consist of controlling storms. Just call in some fucking flying fish or something, hunh?! Maybe get some Mudskippers in here so that the juggernaut will slip on them and break its back! Anything except suddenly being DC's briny version of Thor.

And back in the present, we discover how he got all of his new powers and then I have to go pick up the comic book from the floor near where I threw it against the wall.

And just like that, Aquaman is my least favorite hero

I realize that Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America is taking place in some other dimension but didn't Aquaman just say in that comic book that he doesn't believe in Poseidon? And now here he is with his fish tail between his legs asking the sea god for help? It's so embarrassing! Like when I pray to Jesus Christ that my downstairs neighbor dies in a drunk driving accident. I mean, I don't believe in Jesus Christ at all so why would I think he'd help me murder anyone?!

Poseidon tells Arthur all about Thule and how they're a coven of witches who caused strife in Old Atlantis until Atlan sent them packing. They fled into another dimension just behind our dimension where they've been up to no good for centuries. Aquamn gets all pissy that Poseidon didn't do anything to save the Atlanteans enslaved by the Thule and then Poseidon screams back at Arthur that he "did as a god pleases!" And then he gives Arthur a fuck-ton of super powers to help him defeat Thule. Because I guess that's something else that pleases a god.

Back to the present, Aquaman cannot defeat the juggernaut with mere godly powers. But he knows how to speak with fish! So he uses that power to call forth Topo or some other kraken or something that doesn't actually exist even in a super hero comic book so that it can destroy the juggernaut. It's about fifty times bigger than the juggernaut and rips the thing apart which makes me wonder why Aquaman did everything else before calling forth his monster up his sleeve. I guess he just wanted to show off his new lightning power.

After the fight, Garth is all, "Okay! Cool. Me and my fish gang will just go now. We didn't really want to fight you anyway." Watching the fight from her hidden lair is Siren. She's the person that has been pretending to be Mera and is working with Thule and is also apparently Mera's twin sister Hila or something. So it's as I pointed out earlier. Mera is in danger and all Arthur could do was make some fucking jokes about it. You'd think his main priority would be to find out why Mera was acting so fucking weird because it would totally make sense that she's being influenced by Thule. I guess he's just stupid.

Aquaman #43 Rating: No change. I once read a story one time where there was no evil twin and the entire time I was reading it, I kept thinking, "But where's the evil twin? Shouldn't there be an evil twin?!" So when Mera's evil twin appeared, I was all, "Totally knew it was going to turn out to be an evil twin even though I never speculated about an evil twin in my reviews because I totally didn't want to spoil it for anybody." So now that it's been revealed that Mera was instantly captured by the enemies of Atlantis immediately after Arthur gave her authority to rule over the kingdom, I can say, "I told you so," right? I totally knew Mera couldn't handle the responsibility! If you've been reading Aquaman since the beginning of The New 52, you may have been thinking, "She's totally competent and will totally do a kick ass job of ruling Atlantis because she even has more confidence than Aquaman himself!" But you would have been forgetting that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire took over the writing duties of this comic book and decided that Aquaman and Mera should be completely different people than they were before he began writing this comic book. How could you have forgotten that when you were thinking Mera would make a decent Queen? Amateur!

Justice League United #12

This is an odd cover.

The actual cover (underneath the weirdly textured blank cover that I guess I'm supposed to doodle on) is Poison Ivy piddling into Swamp Thing's skull. Her piddle is probably full of nutrients and/or mind-altering substances which will help Swamp Thing overpower the bad guy. Or Swamp Thing is just into people peeing on him. It's not weird if you're a plant. Or you're in the shower. Or you have those special sheets on your bed which your stupid friends never stopped making fun of you for having because you forgot to hide them in the closet that one time they came over after school to watch Robotech with you.

The issue begins with Justice League United and its guests running for their lives as the Red Goo Island they're on in the middle of Lake Erie begins to try to eat them. The comic book begins with these words: "A super-gross living island in the middle of Lake Erie." Which is what I just said so I probably should rework this entire paragraph. Or just start over.

Do young people today even know that "gross" means anything other than a person they hate for righteous reasons which allow the young person to be a complete asshole to, and possibly ruin the life of (if they're able) the "gross" person? I think it's "super-gross" that Jeff Parker would describe the island as "super-gross" just because it looks like a vagina.

What's so gross about it? It even still has all of its teeth!

Now I want business cards that proclaim I'm a Vaginal Dentist.

Poison Ivy, a scientist, theorizes that the island can feel the heroes running about it, as if they were mites, and so the island is generating antibodies to destroy the mites. Great theory, Jenny McCarthy! I mean, unless that's really something bodies do! It's not like you learn about mites and antibodies in Vaginal Dental School. I probably shouldn't have called Poison Ivy "Jenny McCarthy" when I can't be sure of all of the facts. Maybe I'm the Jenny McCarthy in this situation!

I feel really uncomfortable picking up and reading this comic book with its beautifully blank white canvas cover. I'm sure I'm smearing chocolate and pizza grease and testicle particulates all over it.

Etrigan uses his Hellfire to blast the "antibodies" because what else is he going to use? Logic and reason?! They're just "antibodies"! And he's just a "demon"! Although I'm not sure it's actually Etrigan because he isn't attempting to rhyme. Maybe Jeff Parker misplaced his rhyming dictionary while writing the script for this issue.

Poison Ivy soon refers to the "antibodies" as "germs" so I'm just going to go back to calling her Jenny McCarthy, if that's okay with the rest of you.

No! Your flame "burns" them! Has anybody checked on Jeff Parker lately? Has he been complaining of numbness down one side of his body in a garbled voice because half of his face isn't working? Is one pupil dilated? Can somebody give him a call?

Mera destroys the antibodies or germs or protozoa or whatever because they're 99% water. That's all the explanation anybody needs for the end of that battle unless, for some perverse reason, you don't know anything about Mera. For those people, here's a quick introduction to Mera: she's a bad-ass motherfucker (in the metaphorical sense and not the literal sense because her ass is the opposite of bad and she doesn't fuck mothers); she has red hair; she has a great ass (which can't be mentioned enough); she can control water; she sees something special in Aquaman even though 99% of the world doesn't (maybe it's his water).

Once Mera encases everybody in a super protective thin membrane of water, she and the others take a moment to grill Equinox on Justice League United's terrible plan which very nearly got them all killed by vaccines. Or whatever. Don't they realize Swamp Thing being sucked into the heart of the goo is obviously part of the plan to destroy the goo? And Poison Ivy's uselessness will turn into usefulness once she needs to pee? I guess it's harder to guess the plan when you're a character who's not allowed to see the cover of their own comic book. I'm not talking about the cover with the beer on it.

While Equinox's team learns the ins and outs of the plan (mostly outs and mostly urine), Alanna and Stargirl are busy recruiting to defeat the next Breaker threatening to destroy the whole of creation. One of the new recruits is Steel which is like yawn and snore and almost wake up but no I was just rolling over to get more comfortable. But Stargirl is recruiting Cliff Steele, Robotman, who is currently working with the Doom Patrol which totally needs its own comic book! Cliff must be the person in the next team who will be torn apart and presumed dead which will lead the others to turn on the Justice League United representative (probably Animal Man) and say, "What the fuck kind of dog and boney show is this?!" Then Animal Man will say, "No, no. It's dog and pony." And Cliff will be all, "Who the fuck goes to see a show with dogs and ponies? At least I get the connection to dogs and bones!"

Etrigan is shitting all over his ex right now. And I'm with him! How many times have I said Madame Xanadu is the biggest barn owl in the DC Youniverse?! Too many to count, that's how many!

While Etrigan was agreeing with everything I've ever said about using prophecy as the plot for comic books and which I also mentioned last commentary as the only potential bad thing about Parker's new take on Justice League United, Poison Ivy "watered" the island.

Etrigan gives everybody a quick Latin lesson that is only barely quick enough to let everybody know the island is about to fly. Which it does immediately after Etrigan says the word "fly." Also, everybody else understood that was what was happening when Swamp Thing mentioned it was gathering methane like five minutes ago. But thanks for the fun lesson, Etrigan! I enjoyed it!

Now that the island is full of methane, the plan is for Etrigan to prove he's just a one-trick boney and spit hellfire into it. Mera will encase the team in another protective layer of water because if there's one thing that protects against violent explosions, it's a bubble.

I mean, it might really be a bubble! I'm Jenny McCarthy, remember? I majored in literature and most of that literature wasn't science text books. So I don't know for sure what causes an explosion but I can tell you about that time in Bleak House when the fat guy with the birds spontaneously combusted.

Actually, that's as much as I can tell you because I'm not good at remembering details. Although I think maybe the document that solved the court case of Person's Name versus Same Person's Name was being used to line the bird cage or something.

Crap. That describes me exactly! Tumblr was right! I am gross!

As Equinox and Etrigan prepare to Mythbuster the shit out of this island, Poison Ivy regains her senses after channeling Swamp Thing. Mera points out she was mumbling something about Batman's cock while she was out of it. That's probably the number one thing muttered about in the DC Youniverse when characters are semi-conscious.

Etrigan does a little bit of rhyming at the end because either he likes to make a huge statement or Jeff Parker found his rhyming dictionary. It probably got mixed into his goat porn.

The only problem with Adam Strange's mission plans is that they will always have a cost. This time it's Swamp Thing.

Next time it will be poor Cliff Steele. It's always Cliff Steele! He'll probably wind up being nothing more than memories on an MP3 by the time the next story is over.

Now that Mera knows what kind of price must be paid for engaging in a Justice League Untitled mission, she'll probably volunteer Aquaman for the next job.

Now that one Breaker has been defeated, it's time for the members of the next mission! We already have Steel and Cliff Steele, so who's next? Who else has "Steel" in their name? Commander Steel! Also Batgirl. In the scene with Batgirl, she calls Blockbuster a hipster and points out how he was "smashing this cafe before it was cool." So obviously, Batgirl is the real hipster! Nothing defines a hipster better than pointing out all of the other hipsters! Except when I'm pointing them out! "I'm definitely no hipster," I say while twirling my meticulously waxed mustache and feeling really uncomfortable in my new pants that I can't pull up past my ass crack although my Mr. Bubble t-shirt is super comfy! Now where did I put my fake glasses? Oh yeah! I left them in my swank messenger bag.

Justice League United #12 Rating: +3 Ranking. Jeff Parker has swooped in like a vampire descending upon a virgin and saved this book! I am not the virgin in that analogy and also that analogy is not very good because I don't think vampires are technically into saving virgins. I think they spend virgins as soon as they find them until they're completely in virgin debt up to their guy balls. I have nothing against Jeff Lemire except his initial run on Justice League Unfathomable which I saw as an affront to comic books and a personal assault on my way of life (which is a life where I don't have to read time travel stories about a person coming from the future to change the past to ensure that the future from which the person came from continues to exist in the future). I'm not angry at Jeff Lemire for that huge mistake, so I'll stop griping about how much it irked me. Instead, let me point out how Jeff Parker has come up with a concept that I adore! The Justice League Unconscionable are actually keeping the world safe and they've found a way to pull in a bunch of guest stars every few issues! I'm slowly falling in love with this comic book and I hope that one day it will let me put my penis inside of it.

Convergence: Justice League #2

That's not a sea cucumber! It's a space station!

I have an issue with the way men are being portrayed in Convergence. In Convergence: Superman, El, the Flashpoint version of Superman, was in love with Lois Lane. So when he finds out that another woman who isn't the woman he was in love with but looks just like her exists, he kidnaps her because he loves her. Lois rejects him because she's in love with the Clark Kent she knows, not every person in the multiverse that looks like Clark Kent. In Convergence: Justice League, Flashpoint Aquaman notices another woman that looks like his dead Mera, so he kidnaps her because obviously men only love a woman for their looks. Who cares about her personality?! Mera rejects him like a normal person would reject somebody that steals you and immediately begins acting like they're your intimate partner of many years, even if they look exactly like the intimate partner you've had for many years.

I suppose women fall in love with the entire person and men only fall in love with the image of a person, right DC Comics?!

Oh wait. When I state it like that, it totally makes sense! You're right! Men are just shallow douchebags who aren't in touch with their feelings because they're so in touch with their cocks and where they're going to stick they're cocks. And when a man sees a place where he was allowed to stick his cock for years and years, he just figures he can go right back to sticking his cock in that place. Now that DC Comics helped me realize this, I'm now going to be unnerved by every movie and television show I watch with a male lead (which, let's face it, is pretty much all of them).

I'm sure my reading of the previously mentioned comics could be kinder but since one was written by Dan Jurgens who is a robot created in the Eighties with no input devices and no way to retrieve new, non-1980s information and the other was written by Frank Tieri who seems to get pulled off the bench by DC Comics to pinch write shitty comics for even shittier writers that have ruined the title they've been working on, I don't think they deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Speaking of television shows with male leads, I have no really cogent thoughts about the finale of Mad Men but I did want to comment on it. So if you haven't seen the finale (or the show at all), just skip to the first scanned picture where the real Convergence: Justice League #2 will begin. No, seriously. Just skip the rest of this. I don't want to be the one to spoil anything about one of the greatest television experiences of the decade.

So after watching the finale on Tuesday, I made a few comments to the Non-Certified Spouse, walked into the bathroom, shut the door, put the lid down on the toilet, sat down, and fucking bawled. Being that I'm apparently written like a male character in DC Comics, I'm not quite sure what affected me to that degree. I believe (but am still not entirely sure) that it was the moment in which the plain guy tells his story about being an item in a refrigerator which touches Don who then gets up to hug him. I wasn't touched simply because of the scene and the way it was played. I was touched because the man was symbolically Matthew Weiner speaking directly to his character, Don Draper. He was saying goodbye to him while also speaking the words that he couldn't put into Don Draper's mouth because Don would never say them. They were Matthew's insecurities and fears which meant they were also instilled into Don. It was a redemptive moment for both Don and Matthew and it may have been the most brilliant version of the writer putting himself into a show that I've seen. That was what broke me. Although it's possible that I was more emotionally attached to that Coke commercial than I previously believed.

Shall we discuss the Coke commercial ending? And by we, I mean me, and by discuss, I mean monologue? I'm a cynical person. I'm not cynical to the point of deconstructing everything simply because I like watching buildings blow up helter-skelter. I believe that, just like blowing up a building, deconstructing a work takes care, experience, and intelligence if you don't want to hurt a lot of people in the process. Anybody can stick dynamite on a building and destroy it. Not everyone can bring it down safely and elegantly. The internet is full of Crazy Harrys running into a fandom and pushing the plunger on their detonator. Anybody can find any flaw they're looking for in any work of art when they're projecting their own issues onto everything they encounter. So I'm cynical but I don't want to be; I just feel it's necessary. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. Some people would say, "Just believe" (and one once did at the Portland Brewfest one year when I was wearing my "I want to believe" t-shirt). But that's the point of the shirt. Some people want to believe but they want the truth more than they want to fulfill their own fantastic desires. So when the Coke commercial came on at the end of Mad Men, I had to ask the question: were we seeing an actual, life-changing moment for Don Draper where he's come to a more enlightened, comfortable place, or was this just the same old Don Draper going full tilt until the idea for the commercial grabbed him by the throat and he knew he had the pitch? Was this a cynical ending or a romantic one? Did he go back to McCann a new man, transformed and with a new understanding of what people really need, wanting to bring the communal, enlightened vision he had to the world? Or did he go back to shoot a commercial co-opting the peace, love, and spirituality movement he experienced while in California simply to sell soda pop? Remember, it's all about the work! Everything is about the work!

I know what I believe. Matthew Weiner wrote a television series for seven years simply to say this: "That fucking Coke commercial was bullshit propaganda and you all fell for it, suckers! These are the people that created it! Here are your 'Teach the World to Sing' gurus, bitches! The moment your movement was sanitized to sell Coke, it was over. You fucking lost, hippies! Culture is grist for the advertising world and what matters to you now will soon be used to sell you bullshit crap nobody needs. Enjoy life! Enjoy Coke! Smile!"

What works every time? Distracting military submarines with your boobs and butt so that they blow each other up?

The Justice League is currently battling Flashpoint Atlanteans off the coast of Gotham because their friend Mera was kidnapped by Flashpoint Aquaman. I explained why earlier: it's because he used to put his cock in a Mera-shaped person, so why wouldn't this person shaped like his previous cock-receptacle not want to be the new Aquaman cock-receptacle?

Now that Jesse Quick has taken out the Atlantean warships, the Justice League has to battle an army of sea turtles and underwater men with spears. I don't know what the Vegas odds are but please put all of my money on the speedster, Kryptonian, green light spectrum wielder, and magic woman. Although I have heard that slow and steady wins the race? Hmm.

Is it just me being sexist or does the "witty banter" by this group of friends just sound catty and mean? See how I used "catty" there? That indicates there is a high probability that I'm being sexist! And let's face it: a lot of that old Blue and Gold banter Giffen and DeMatteis used to write? It was fucking mean-spirited shit that rarely came across as fun loving shenanigans! How did Ted and Michael stay friends for so long?!

Of course Supergirl wants to punch Aquaman in the face! That's Supergirl's go-to greeting! And besides, who wouldn't want to punch Aquaman in the face?!

Mera sulks in captivity trying to convince Flashpoint Vulko that Aquaman is a kidnapper and will probably soon be a rapist and that maybe he should do something about preventing that from happening? What is wrong with Mera? She should have her hands around Vulko's throat and squeezing the life out of him while she drowns the Atlantean Guards with their own saliva! Where's the Mera I know from The New 52? She's smarter, more powerful, and has a better ass than all of the Atlanteans put together! Was that sexist? I did throw in the "smarter" thing!

Outside of Aquaman's undersea headquarters, Jade battles with Ocean Master. She's surprised, after knocking off his helmet, to find that it's not Aquaman at all. Jade needs to spend more time boning up on her super villain flash cards. I suppose Ocean Master isn't an opponent anybody except Aquaman ever faces off against so I can't blame Jade for not recognizing him. And she truly doesn't. She just notices he's not Aquaman and says, "You're not Aquaman. You're..." and then she can't come up with his name. So he has to say, "Ocean Master!" Poor guy must feel like a loser right about now. I mean more than usual.

Vixen infiltrates Aquaman's Wifely Prison by using the powers of whatever sea creature allows her to sneak aboard, steal a uniform, and find her way to Mera in an unfamiliar place. A cuttlefish, maybe? But it doesn't matter because while she's wasting time hugging Mera, Aquaman sneaks up behind her and knocks her unconscious.

Or maybe she's just knocked down because after a brief break in the scene to show Supergirl, Zatanna, and Jesse trading barbs and battling lobsters, Vixen channels the power of an electric eel and zaps the fuck out of Aquaman.

Who...? Oh! I get it! He's being a rhetorical smartass!

I bet Vixen just stops channeling sea creatures and kicks him in the balls simply by channeling girl power!

No, that would be too empowering. Instead Aquaman makes her pick up a gun and shoot herself in the face. She's not dead but apparently she's going to be disfigured in some way. Hopefully an animal exists that can cure scar tissue or Vixen's modeling career is headed down a new and exciting path for a veil company.

That wasn't a comment about me saying she can't be a model with a horrible scar stretching across her face and one eyeball hanging out! That was me commenting on the state of the modeling industry and how they would never allow her back! It was a dig at big business and the Patriarchy! I would totally jerk off to a model with a scar on her face and an eyeball hanging out of her head! I'm not sexist!

Mera, still all meek and non-violent, submits to Aquaman's authority when he shows her that his men have caught Jesse Quick and Zatanna and Jade and Supergirl's cape.

Whoops! I guess the cape wasn't enough!

After Supergirl crashes through the window, water doesn't come rushing in. I guess that means the interior of the headquarters is also filled with water. Maybe that's why Vixen couldn't stop channeling sea creatures. Although she had to hold her breath while she was channeling dolphins and whales. Hopefully she can still channel whatever she was channeling while unconscious and bleeding out of her face. Still, none of that explains why Jesse Quick was taken into captivity without her Infinite Oxygen Forever Facemask (probably courtesy of Waynetech).

Supergirl beats the shit out of Aquaman until he activates his Kryptonite Trident. But Mera stops him before he stabs Supergirl with it. She stops him by pressing her boobs against his chest and calling him "my love" and kissing him right on his filthy fish lips. Because that's where Mera's power lies! It was hidden all this time underneath her clothing! Using her Super Hot Body Superpower, she gets close to the idiot man who has no brain and thinks only about things his cock will fit inside of. And then she stabs him!

After stabbing him, Mera and Supergirl and Vixen swim out of Aquaman's headquarters unmolested. I guess Vixen is pretty much okay? Just a slight graze wound across a cheek or something? Her face is never shown again after she was forced by Aquaman to shoot herself in it. Aquaman is just left to bleed out on his throne. I guess once a king is stabbed in the stomach, everybody he commands instantly stops respecting all of his orders and they simply disappear. And I guess Mera is playing by Batman's Rules of Killing here. Mera may have stabbed Flashpoint Aquaman and walked away knowing that he was dying but it's not her fault if he is eaten by sharks, right? And it's his fault for not having a royal surgeon on hand. Or knowing how to sew up his own wounds.

Convergence: Justice League #2 Rating: This issue wasn't good. It was as not good as the first issue. But it was the first issue to actually fulfill the Convergence Contract! The Justice League was told they would battle somebody to the death and that's what they did! Although I doubt even Flashpoint Aquaman is going to die here. Although if the Big Convergence Change (that's what I'll be calling the twist ending that changes up these old universes in a new way which seems to be happening in every one of these Convergence Minis) was that Mari now has a scar on her face, I'm big time disappointed. I said BIG TIME! That's no marriage or baby or resurrected child or redeemed Two-face! It's hardly a blip at all on the Change Radar! And it's also sexist bullshit! Probably! I think it's always safe for me to call something sexist bullshit!

Divergence: Detective Comics
"Following the events of 'Endgame,' get ready to ride with the GCPD in a whole new city -- inhabited by a whole new Batman!"

Oh boy! A whole new Batman! That's just what the fans have not been demanding! I can't wait.

The Sneak Peek begins with Harvey talking to a shadowy figure putting on some crazy armor. One of the things I was hoping Manapul and Buccellato would do was to continue to concentrate on Harvey Bullock in Detective Comics. He's a detective, right?! And a great character if you're into fat guys that smoke and eat a lot and wear hats! Also he's got the kind of personality that can really carry a comic book titled Detective Comics. I'm so pro-Harvey Bullock that I have a really gay boner right now.

Yip is still his partner but there's a new character in town that has yet to be seen in The New 52 (I think!): Renee Montoya! She's back and she's coming between Yip and Harvey like a sexy thing that comes! Now I'm picturing naked, anthropomorphic foxes with huge boners for some reason. Thanks a lot, Deviant Art! You've ruined the sexy part of my brain!

The van the three of them are riding in has a big bat symbol on the front. They're chasing a giant of some kind when it tries to smash them with a fist. The van flips end over end but is caught by an armored Batman. I guess the GCPD now has a Bat Division!

What the fuck. What the fuckity fucking fuck did I just read? Fucking Manapul. Fucking Buccellato. Holy shit. Detective Comics is going to be fucked up and possibly quite awesome.

Um, anyway, after the van flips, Yip is trapped in the back. Renee begins interrogating her with her gun out trying to get her to name names. But Harvey pulls her away and lights the fucking gas pooling around the van, blowing his partner (and only potential romantic interest ever) into smithereens. Maybe. Probably. Shit. Jesus Christ.

And if you don't feel shocked and freaked out enough, there's a panel with a crying pigeon that's also on fire. I think that needs to be my new header.

And then the last page is the start of this fucked up travesty. I mean that in a super good way.

I don't know who big armored Jim Batman actually is.

Aquaman #39

Malestorm!

I hope Dr. Evans matches some shapes to other shapes this issue! Is that a super power or does he just have a doctorate in shapes? Either way, I've never seen a better shape matcher! Not since kindergarten, anyway.

Last issue, Aquaman and Mera discovered Atlanna's secret hangout in the Land of the Prehistoric Rhinoceroses which were all "Hey! Look! New friends!" when the Atlanteans first arrived. Several hours later, they were wearing saddles and reins and had bits in their mouths and were all, "Fucking assholes. Fuck this shit." But since they only spoke Ancient Rhinocerese, none of the Atlanteans could understand them and just assumed they were happy to be forced into servitude.

I guess Atlanna doesn't recognize her son because he's all, "Hey, are you like Atlanna or something?" And she's all, "Die motherfuckers!"

And then they hug! Just kidding! She blasts the shit out of him.

I guess they can't trust each other too quickly since this story has to last until the end of Issue #40. And anyway, I get why Atlanna blasted Aquaman when he revealed he was her son. Who wants the kid they abandoned to hunt them down and remind them of that time in their life? When I throw something away, I don't want somebody coming back and dumping the garbage back inside my house! I got rid of it for a reason! Stop trying to get back into my life, garbage!

My thoughts are not meant to represent everybody's attitude toward adoption and long lost family members. Just mine because I actually wish more of my family members were long lost.

This makes no sense, Atlanna. You're crazed from Long Lost Relative Return Shock.

Doesn't it make more sense to pose as the son she wouldn't recognize? Which is what Arthur is doing. I mean, except for the posing part since he really is her son. And what kind of mother doesn't feel it deep down in her heart when she's looking upon her grown baby? Have movies been lying to me all of this time?! Thank you, Comic Books, for being brave enough to tell the truth.

Atlanna's fake husband, Orvax, told her that he killed Tom and Arthur years ago. So she decided to believe him because who doesn't believe everything that comes out of an asshole's mouth? And then she killed him so she conveniently couldn't question him about the murders. Apparently Atlanna's not big on fact checking.

Atlanna decides to throw Aquaman and Mera in a volcano before they can regain consciousness because remember that thing I just said about her relationship with fact checking? Her advisor reminds her that fact checking is a pretty neat deal and it really doesn't cost anything but a little bit of time. But what's a little bit of lost time worth compared to veracity and truth? Pennies, probably! But Atlanna is all, "Shut up, Advisor! Know your place." And Lenu the Advisor is all, "Bu...bu...bu...whut?"

Aquaman slowly gains consciousness as Atlanna and her advisor conveniently recount the history of the island, Pacifica. It was meant to be a new home for Atlanteans when their island began to sink because who knew they would somehow survive underwater. I mean, really, how did they manage that? Did they have enough time to build glass domes over their cities before it sank under the waves? Did they hold their breath while building the underwater city? Did they use magic to instantly grow gills and become strong enough to withstand the incredible pressures at the bottom of the sea? Fucking comic books. Explain yourselves better!

Atlantis couldn't move to Pacifica because a volcano god named Karaku already lived on the island and he killed whoever came through the portal. But Atlanna confined him to inside his volcano with the Staff of Storms and the occasional virginal treat. I guess he eats non-virgins too though because she's about to feed him Aquaman and Mera and Mera has fucked like way over three people. Aquaman might still be a virgin if you discount all the sea life he's fucked.

The sacrifice goes all wrong and Karaku is forced to eat Gontu's chewy muscle instead of Mera's tender morsels.

Aquaman kidnaps Lenu the Adivsor and advises her to advise Atlanna to stop acting like a dickhead. Lenu points out that nobody can stop Atlanna from acting like a dickhead and Mera mutters something about the apple and the tree.

As Aquaman tries to think of a way to avoid punching his mom in the throat (maybe when he figures out a way, he'll teach it to me!), Tula and some warriors from Atlantis come through the Maelstrom and begin punching Atlanna in the throat for Arthur. Sometimes it's good to be king!

I bet Doctor Evans found a shape and then he found a hole that had the same shape and he put the shape in the shape-hole allowing the armies of Atlantis to follow Arthur to Pacifica.

For some reason, Arthur forces his army to stop attacking my his mother. But it hardly matters anyway since everybody is going to be forced to work together to stop Karaku who has broken free of the volcano. I guess Gontu tasted like puke.

Aquaman #39 Rating: No change. This whole quest began because Atlantis wasn't taking too kindly to Arthur's leadership and kept trying to shake him off of it. The reason it didn't accept his authority was because he wasn't the real king as long as Atlanna lived. So will Atlanna have to die at the conclusion of this story? No, I imagine this was a good way to relieve Aquaman of the throne. Atlanna can come back and be queen again, leaving Aquaman and Mera free to do their super heroing.