Convergence: Justice League of America #2

The Chip Kidd variant really should have been Martian Manhunter and not secretly a dangerous manhunter Steel.

Last issue, the Tangent Universe Secret Six attacked the Pre-Crisis era Justice League of America. You might not remember that group because you were probably born over ten years after they were destroyed by Despero. You can blame Millennium a little bit too, I think. Also the popularity of Vibe, Steel, and Gypsy which was nearly non-existent. It wasn't the most enthralling group of super heroes to put on the cover of your comic book. When Zatanna, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter are your most recognizable team members, you've already counted out potential customers that don't have any knowledge of the DC Universe. They might glance at the book and think, "Where's Batman? Or Superman? And why is Wonder Woman talking backwards with a lobster on her head?" The only team member a casual reader of comic books might recognize is Aquaman which would have kept most people from buying the book.

Y'all may think I have an irrational hater's hatred for Aquaman but I don't. I merely live in reality. This era of the Justice League of America took place just a few years before DC Comics sat down to retool Aquaman. And the reason they decided he was unpopular? The outfit. When that didn't work (partly because the mini-series which introduced it was an awful story about how Aquaman needed intense psychotherapy to deal with his unrepentant mother boners (I don't know what that means but I'm sure it's a legitimate psychology term)), Peter David walked into DC's offices and said, "I know why people aren't buying Aquaman! His right hand! Lose it and we're golden!" And just like every other time Peter David had something to say about a comic book character, he was right. For some reason. People loved the new hairy, one-handed Aquaman! At least until people began to turn on the whole "gritty superhero" movement while they also decided that horrible art was the new hip thing!

Imagine how much less respect the team would get if Aquaman were free!

Vicki Vale is standing on the edge of the battle doing play-by-play in a smooth, coherent manner the way no on-site local news reporter has ever done in the history of ever. It should actually be more of the camera man filming the battle in a wide angle to get as much as he can cover as Vicki Vale says things like, "Did you see that?!" and "Police are, um, standing behind...err, back, as the combatants engage in, um, combat."

Sue Dibny handles the Narration Boxing because she gets to say things that would seem ridiculous to have Vicki Vale saying. Things like noticing Gypsy even though Gypsy's super power is to not be noticed. But then Sue probably knows what to look for! Or maybe she can smell her patchouli oil.

The Justice League is getting handily beat by Tangent Secret Six when Gypsy throws a belt full of grenades to cover the JLA's retreat. Part of me wishes that she wouldn't have interfered and this comic book could have ended early. I still have a week and a half of Convergence books to get through and they're really beginning to wear me down since they're essentially the same story over and over again. And the worst part is that most of the stories don't have any kind of satisfying conclusion. The battles tend to end, the combatants shrug their shoulders and go back to their lives waiting for the world to end.

Convergence has also made it convenient for me to procrastinate. I'd love to finish these comics up in a long Saturday marathon session but I have so many other more interesting things to do with my time! Especially now that I've invested in such a beautiful, powerful, game-playing laptop! I wish Torment 2 were available already!

Go ahead, believe it. Stop living with lies!

The Secret Six crash through the wall of the storage locker the Justice League of America are cowering in. Since the team didn't have time to come up with a plan, I think this scene was meant to show that they're all self-hating losers with no gumption or tenacity. Those are just two words I picked at random that seemed like traits that a team of winners would possess.

While the Justice League of America gets their asses handed to them a second time, Sue Dibny tries to figure out how to free Zatanna and Martian Manhunter so the team actually stands a chance against Tangent Secret Six.

And Aquaman! I forgot about Aquaman! He'll help by...um...well, by being Aquaman!

Vibe murders Tangent Plastic Man by shaking him into a bunch of plastic gaming pieces. While The Atom is distracted because "Gunther" was apparently his lover, Steel punches him in the face with his super Steely Steel Punch of Steeliness.

Can you get any more cliche, Atom? Can I?!

It's so cliche to point out somebody else's cliches! Especially in that sarcastic Chandler Bing voice. I think "Can you be any more [whatever]" was the biggest joke on Friends for ten years.

Sue Dibny digs up a Mr. Freeze gun to freeze Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, and Zatanna. Since they're currently in stasis which is kind of like being frozen in time, this makes sense somehow. It makes more sense if you pay attention to the comic book explanation instead of ignoring it completely like I'm doing. It works and the Big Two Plus Aquaman are free! Zatanna casts a spell that sends the Tangent Secret Six back home and the fight is over. Presumably she just did them a huge favor and they're now free of Planet Brainiac and back home in the real Tangent Universe*.

*Tangent Universe not really real.

When it's all over, Vicki Vale goes in for an interview and completely ignores Aquaman. That's understandable. Ralph gives some speech about how he's proud to fight alongside this group of barely lovable losers. He probably likes it because he's actually respected by them as opposed to being seen as a joke by Batman and Wonder Woman.

Convergence: Justice League of America #2 Rating: I guess the point of this series was to give the Detroit Justice League a modicum of respect that they really never fucking deserved. Couldn't we have just left this team buried and forgotten about them? Although they may have been an interesting and fun team at the time! But who would know?! We were all looking at the covers going, "Why would I buy this comic book?!" I know, I know. All the weird little Martian Manhunter fans are desperately composing harshly worded emails in their minds right now. Well, I don't need to hear from y'all, okay?! You can keep your arguments to yourself. I already know what lateral lisps sound like!

Divergence: Batman Loves Superman
"The epic new storyline 'TRUTH' continues. In this chapter, what are the consequences of a bond broken?"

Should I remember what this "TRUTH" storyline should be about? Is this the same story that was featured in the Action Comics Sneak Peak?

This story begins with a bunch of gangsters smashing up Wayne Enterprises in Gotham. Superman arrives via motorcycle since he can't fly anymore. He beats them up because he has no powers anymore but he can write articles and bale hay. That's almost like being trained in hand-to-hand combat, right? After he defeats the bad guys because he's Superman even if he has no powers, Commissioner Batman crashes through the wall, sees a guy in a Superman shirt who looks like Superman and says, "Who the hell are you?" It's not like he's wearing glasses, Jim! And he's wearing a Superman shirt! It's not like he's changed it up with one of those Superjew shirts.

Commissioner Batman decides the best course of action is to punch Superman in the face and arrest him. Commissioner Batman obviously doesn't care about killing perps since he punches the guy he apparently doesn't know is Superman full in the face with his power armored fist. Then he tazes him because it's just another average day in the life of a cop. Superman somehow manages to not die after all of this and still get on his motorcycle to drive away. He's chased by Commissioner Batman so he grabs a pole as he speeds past which spins his motorcycle around. He rides toward Commissioner Gordon who then shoots a rocket at him, blows up the motorcycle, and somehow doesn't turn Superman into a stain on the sidewalk.

That's when Lex Luthor arrives on his Tenser's Floating Disc to ask Superman for his hand in hetero-marriage.

The only fucking law Superman broke is resisting arrest. And that's a bullshit, catch-all law to just haul in anybody the cops want to haul in anyway. So fuck you, Lex. Superman hasn't done anything fucking wrong.

Oh wait! I just thought of another law Superman broke: not dying at the hands of a cop that abused every single ounce of his power. The police are going to be pretty pissed about this! Especially if it was caught on camera!

Convergence: Superboy #2

Who didn't want to do this to 90s Superboy?

Superboy has been sitting on my scanner for about five hours as I keep coming up with other things to do rather than read this comic book. I don't think I'm in the mood for angsty teenage bravado! But I guess I have to get on with it if I want to read Convergence: Green Arrow #2.

Come to think of it, I don't want to read that one either.

Last issue ended with Superman challenging Superboy to act like a Superman. It was completely in character for Superman to act like a gigantic asshole. Actually, being that this is Kingdom Come Superman, it might be! I don't think it is because Magog is the asshole in that comic book. Although wasn't Superman retired because the government frowned on masks? Wait, was that Watchman? And at what point did Parliament blow up?

You know what I should be paying more attention to? The Eisner's! Did you know there was a category for Best Comic Book Journalism? I should have been rallying support for write-ins! Yesterday I heard that I did get one write-in vote! So I'm almost the best comic book journalist!

Currently in this comic book, Superman is hitting Superboy with a plane. It's the kind of image that makes comic book fans go, "Holy heck! Awesome!" But intelligent, pipe smoking, slipper wearing critics like me raise up one finger and say, "A-ha! But how does Kingdom Come Superman, no matter how strong he might be, hold and swing a plane by the tail without throwing out his back? He's an old man, by gum!"

Last issue was narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex. This issue continues to be narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex! He's some weird Satyr-like being with telepathy who probably has loads and loads of sex. I've read enough ancient literature to know that horns are a symbol for erect penises. If a creature has horns, look out! Mostly look out for its huge erect phallus.

Speaking of huge, erect phalluses, I bet in the time of Benjamin Franklin, men walked around with pitched tents all the time and the ladies just had to shut up about it.

Superman doesn't understand youthful passion, does he? He just hit Superboy with a plane! Why would Superboy care about anything this jerk said?

Superboy uses his tactile telekinesis to throw a plane into Superman. Now that they're even, maybe Superman will be all, "Heh! You got me! Okay, son, let's work together now." And then Superboy will be all "Don't call me son!" and he'll throw the airport at Superman.

Listen to your own stupid advice, Clark! I think this is that "do as I say, not as I do" crap parents love to pull.

I'm all for doing as I do while I say to do differently. It's the cool lifestyle choice of cool people.

Superboy doesn't give up because Superman tells him to. Why should he? Superman hasn't given him any reason to believe he's a good guy. He began the entire encounter by being a condescending dickhole. And then when Superboy chose not to submit to this asshole, Superman began hitting him with planes. Eventually, Superman escalates things by doing that thing that we all knew wouldn't go well when he finally did it: he calls Superboy "son." Superboy reacts by throwing Superman halfway across Metropolis. That's when Kingdom Come Flash arrives to punch Superboy in the face fifteen thousand times.

How does one know when something "almost" hurts? REM should have called their song "Everybody Almost Hurts".

Dubbilex and Serling run a computer simulation to determine how much of Metropolis will be destroyed if Superboy and Superman continue to fight. The result is "all of it" and "in thirty minutes." Their computer program is as dubious as the narration! Are they taking into account that Superman would never destroy Metropolis by battling for thirty minutes against Zod? I mean Superboy! It's patently ridiculous! And trademarkedly nonsensical!

Red Robin and The Flash evacuate the civilians from around the Superfight which already makes Dubbilex's computer model faulty since they programmed it to include The Flash in the fight. But now he's saving people! That probably means Metropolis has at least fifteen more minutes before it has Superboy-sized holes in the sides of every building. And then that Convergencequake hits which really screws up the computer simulation! Now the city probably only has ten minutes before it's rubble!

If you want to stop fighting, stop fighting! Batman Almighty!

Now that Lois has shown up, I bet they all hold hands and sing "All You Need is Love"! If I had been in The Beatles, I would have gotten laid so many times! But also, I would have called the song "All You Need is Onion Rings."

Lois decides to get an interview with Superman in the middle of the fight so when she gets brained by a piece of rock thrown at Superman by Superboy, I make sure to point out to everybody around me that I have no sympathy for her and she shouldn't have been there and I told you that would happen.

One of my favorite exploitation videos of all time back when Fox loved to air those television shows of people's near deaths caught on tape was one with an Australian school group hiking above a canyon. The teacher is filming and he's got the camera on two girls heading out on a tiny, dangerous looking path. He's yelling at them not to go out there when suddenly the ledge gives way and they begin tumbling into the chasm. He follows them with the camera and as he films it, as they're falling to possible death, he yells, "I told you not to go out there!" What an asshole!

The Flash takes Lois to the hospital where Superman prays they find she has amnesia so he can insinuate himself into her life. After she's gone, he decides to lecture Superboy and point out that if they're going to defeat the mysteryious Telos, they have a better chance if Superman wins this fight than if punk-ass Superboy wins. Superboy doesn't throw himself in front of a bullet like Catwoman does (spoiler if you haven't read Convergence: Catwoman #2 yet! Don't read that previous sentence!) but he does agree to take a few shots from Superman until he's knocked unconscious. According to the cover, Superman strangles him into unconsciousness! Sexy!

Ha ha!

After Superboy is knocked out, Jimmy Olsen steps in to take a humiliating picture of him for the cover of the next edition of The Daily Planet. Is everybody in this comic book a huge asshole?

Convergence: Superboy #2 Rating: I wonder if Justin Gray and Fabian Nicieza read each other's books and were all, "Hey! You got your dick butter in my choco-vagina!" They basically both came up with the same idea. They were given the task to write a match-up where they believed it was more heroic to show their character lose. At least Superboy didn't have to die! Although Lois might still die! I guess Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis is going to be short a few dozen women when this is all said and done. This issue garnered Five Rebellious Attitudes out of Ten because Superman chose to fight but kept blaming the fighting on Superboy. Take responsibility for your actions, Jerko! You could have beat Superboy without ever even throwing a single plane at him!

Divergence: Action Comics
"The epic new storyline 'Truth' begins! For Superman, there's no more holding back!"

Oooh! Doesn't this sound exciting?! A comic book where Superman doesn't hold back? What is this? The nineties?!

Here's the thing, Greg Pak and my good buddy Aaron Kuder whom I once met: I want Superman to hold back more! He should be holding back so much that he never sells another comic book because all of his encounters are so boring! If Superman were written correctly, he'd be a box office disaster! Why can't anybody write the best, most boringest Superman?! Because they're all cowards, that's why! They don't realize that I'd still support a boring Superman. I mean, I wouldn't read or buy any of his comic books or go see any of his movies. But I'd give him good reviews!

This Sneak Peek begins with Superman in Alaska. I guess he's gone to find himself as well? Is he going to drink whisky out of a dead man's anus too?

Superman is probably trying to get home. I guess editorial has decided that the Fortress of Solitude is in the Arctic this month as opposed to the Antarctic. Superman's powers are fading and he can't fly so he's riding a snowmobile. He's also being attacked by Shadow Ninjas!

Ever since Superman discovered his FWASH Power which drains his normal powers, every single writer has decided to write him without powers. And I guess everybody decided that he doesn't just lose his powers for one day. No, now he loses his flight for an unknown amount of time and his other powers have gone completely wonky. I guess DC Comics decided, yet again, that reducing his powers makes him more interesting. Superman's powers are like a sine wave over time. DC will reduce his powers because they think he's too boring when he's all-powerful. Then they realize that he's just not the same striking symbol without being the most powerful hero in all of comics, so they give him back all of his powers. Then they decide that nobody wants to read a guy that can't be beat, and they've all read the guy without powers that still fights the good fight, so they turn him into a stream of electrons or something crazy. I don't know! All I know is that DC Comics truly has no idea what to do with their most iconic character.

Batman is not the most iconic! He's their most popular character! Stop arguing with me, internet!

Superman still has enough power to kill all of the Shadow Ninjas since they must have just been Burnt Stick Golems or something. Then bleeding and freezing, he walks the rest of the way to the Fortress of Solitude.

But the Fortress doesn't recognize him and steals his clothes to leave him to die naked in the Arctic.

Typical.

Convergence: The Titans #2

Dreamslayer does not normally look like a vagina on fire. He usually looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I'm a little bit excited to find out how these Convergence two issue mini-series will end! I suppose they'll all end with either the good guys subduing the bad guys but not killing them, or they'll end with the good guys coming to an agreement to work together, both of which are against the rules of Telos's game. Since the Titans are battling The Extremists, this one will end with The Extremists thrown in meta-human jail.

Last issue ended with Roy Harper shooting his friends in the face. This issue begins with the super surprise revelation that he actually didn't aim at their faces at all. But he still did pull the trigger for some reason. It probably bought him enough time to come up with a plan where he can take out Dreamslayer himself since I don't think Donna and Kory can fight very well with their suits full of shit and piss. You know, because he almost shot them in the face! It's not like he worked the plan out with them beforehand. And Kory is surprised to still have a face.

"Tell me you have a plan that doesn't involve me smelling like roses!"

We all know what happens every time a good guy fires a gun or throws a batarang or shoots an arrow at the bad guy and doesn't hit him with the projectile, right? How many times have we read that scene? Well, Fabian Nicieza believes we need to experience that moment at least two more times. And both of them in the same scene! Those cranes that fell in the background and didn't crash into the Extremists? Dreamslayer sees them and says, "Ha ha ha! Missed me! Missed me! Now you have to tongue kiss my Sunny Delight vagina face!" And Roy is all, "I wasn't trying to hit you, twice delicious looking villain!" He then shoots an arrow into the cranes and Dreamslayer is all, "You missed again! I can't believe it! You're the worst!" And Roy Harper is all, "You must be from a dimension that has original writers if you've never seen this move before now!" He then swings by on the rope attached to the arrow stuck in the crane and grabs close enough to the real Lian Harper.

The distraction takes enough time for the other Titans that have not yet been in this comic book to appear.

I bet the cavalry is Aqualad! And he's borrowed Cyborg's fist with the sonic attachment!

It's actually just Cyborg with his own fist and his best friend and booty call, Beast Boy. Apparently Vic was in a coma for the entire year so his story would have been too boring to mention last issue. And Beast Boy was trapped as a green pigeon all year which must have sucked ass. Except for all the pigeon sex and free bread from old people.

Now that the odds are evened up quite a bit, Roy figures nobody will miss a guy that just shoots arrows. He grabs Lian, makes sure it's actually her by activating the parental denial switch, and takes her to safety in the Speedy Cave. Roy thinks he's safe from a guy who just brought Lian back from the past just before she died so he could use her simply to taunt Roy. Or Dreamslayer just made up a fake version of her (which he didn't because we all know that this has to be the real Lian Harper because the fans demanded it. At least until Peter David gets a crack at writing Roy and Lian and decides to make her into a cotton candy figment of everybody's imagination). And if Dreamslayer can do one of those things, it's simple enough for him to enter the Speedy Cave and kidnap Lian again. Now Roy has to get involved in the fight again because his excuse to sit this one out is gone.

Meanwhile at the main event...

Gar's not wrong.

Think of it this way, Gar. Justice League International defeated The Extremists. And they could hardly defeat anybody! Sure, they had some extra help from the Silver Sorceress and some guy named Blue Jay or something. But still! Justice League International beat these jerks! Now pull your monkey head out of your monkey ass, stop thinking about how much monkeys love buttsecks, and transform into something that can squash these jerks!

Ahem. Justice League International!

The Titans are getting their asses beat by the Extremists which is unsurprising and realistic. But Dreamslayer is still harping on Harper to side with the Extremists. If he does, Roy will be reunited with Lian. Dreamslayer must know that if Roy Harper fights against the Extremists, they will lose, which is surprising and unrealistic. But I guess this series is Roy's moment to shine while also taking Lian Harper out of the mini-fridge.

Roy activates his city wide turret system and shoots Kory in the belly with one of his guns. The readers all gasp in horror at Roy's betrayal! How could he turn on his team, even for his little girl's life? I can't believe he shot the one member of the team that can shrug off a blast lke that! How horrible!

Lian reappears near Dreamslayer's side but he threatens to send her back to limbo if Roy doesn't shoot all of the other Titans in the stomach as well. No chance Roy is going to use the guns against the Extremists now! So long, Cyborg! Nice knowing you, Donna! Good riddance, Beast Boy!

Wha-wha-wha-what?!

I guess Dreamslayer and I both fell for Roy Harper's gambit! I thought for sure the Titans were goners this time!

Roy sets off an EMP which causes Dreamslayer to teleport out of the Speedy Cave for scientific and totally believable reasons. Dreamslayer meets with the other Extremists who are tired of being shot by turrets and they all head off to battle the Titans somewhere free of big guns. Now the Titans just have to decide to follow them. Or can't they just declare victory now?

Donna convinces Roy to sit the rest of the fight out and hang with Lian because it's quite possible she might disappear as soon as Dreamslayer is defeated. And Roy should get to spend a little more time safe with his daughter. Then the other Titans fly off to finish the story in Convergence #6.

So that's how these mini-series are going to end?! By leaving the endings in the Convergenc series? I don't think there's enough room in the last three issues of Convergence to end forty other stories, so it's probably a fluke that this one ended that way. Although this issue isn't completely over yet!

Oh wait. Yes it is. It just has a huge sneak peek for Scott Lobdell's soon to be reviled new series, Red Hood Loves Arsenal!

Convergence: The Titans #2 Rating: Well it doesn't get a good rating because it didn't fucking end the story! I guess it kind of did since this was about Roy, and it was mostly about getting Lian Harper back. Whether or not the Titans defeat the Extremists is just incidental to the whole Convergence thing. Especially since Telos's plan is bound to be blown apart when all the heroes decide to stop fighting each other and engage in a sit-in.

I don't know if this Divergence Sneak Peek is taken from the first issue of the new series or if it's a short "Divergence" story, so I guess I'd better read the fucking thing. Just in case.

Divergence: Red Hood Loves Arsenal

It begins with this because Scott Lobdell thinks he's cute and clever. Hint and spoiler warning: he's not. Not at all!

Let me read this in thirteen year old boy and see if it's any better. Let me clear my head, give myself a boner, and start over.

Ha! "Together for the first time: Agains!" Again is always fucking funny! You can add "again" to the end of anything and it's so fucking hysterical! I fucked your mom. Again! I smoked so much fucking pot! Again! I drank until I fucking puked! Again! Ha ha! Awesome.

Wait wait wait! That was my modern day thirteen year old boy voice! If I were doing a thirteen year old boy from when I was thirteen in 1984, it would be quite different. I would have more references to Robotech or GI Joe, and I'd probably mention a few mythological beasts and super radical Dungeons and Dragons modules. I don't know what kind of thirteen year old boy Lobdell is writing to! Although his advice is to write what you know and he was thirteen in 1976, so the kids he's writing to were probably super excited about the Bicentennial.

Okay! Back to being a thirteen year old boy. It will probably be a mash-up of the three I previously described. Or it'll just be in my usual anti-Lobdell voice.

Kobra has been building cities beneath all the cities all over the globe because that's totally cool and radical and groovy and fucking fuck I can't even! Kobra has loads and loads of armies and they're going to take over the world. But guess why they're not going to take over the world?! Guess! Jason fucking Todd and Gosh Darned Speedy have infiltrated! If anybody can take down an army spread all across the globe, it's these two guys!

Jason Todd's plan is to shoot all the people in the face and save the day! Roy Harper's plan is probably to sit on the back of Kobra's huge killer robot and ride it around for fun.

Instead of riding the robot, Speedy just overheats the complex. That should kill all the servers and shit and completely crash the place and probably make all of the soldiers feel uncomfortable in their body armor so they'll have to take it all off and then they can't go to war and that will stop the plan dead in its tracks. Wah-lah!

Speedy says it melts the robot but that's just stupid because he's a genius being written by a stupid writer. You'll get that kind of reaction from Speedy quite a bit. And finally, Kobra and the members of Kobra's army with internal air conditioning attack!

Ha ha! They're so tremendously good at what they do that they don't fear death even in the face of insurmountable odds! Oh, those chuckle-heads!

Boo! Hiss! This will suck many, many bad things that people hate sucking!

Convergence: Justice League of America #1

Be careful, guys! Steel is a Manhunter and Vibe is a racist caricature!

Yay for the era when Zatanna used to wear a lobster on her head! And Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman all had better things to do, apparently. I think this was the era where they worked out of a cave somewhere as well but I could be remembering wrong. I seem to remember Manhunter Steel ripped apart inside of a cave headquarters. Plus the Doom Patrol took over their headquarters after they disbanded. I think? This was also the makeup of the Justice League of America when I was first got into comic books. That's probably redundant after all of the times I mentioned getting into comic books around the beginning of Crisis on Infinite Earths. And this week's Convergence books all deal with pre-Crisis characters.

Fabian Nicieza begins this comic book in a way that I would usually call "Lobdelling it" but I'll give it a pass this time because it's cute and clever and heart-breaking all at the same time.

Sue Dibny, you are missed.

Of course it's been a long time since Ralph has been able to kiss Sue since she was killed off in Identity Crisis. Fabian gives us the moment where they're reunited without either of them actually being conscious that this is a reunion. Ralph goes on to say it's been a long time since he was able to kiss her from the kitchen since he's stretching his neck into the bedroom to give her a peck. It seems this issue, unlike all of the others, is beginning the day after the dome fell. He might flash back to the moment it falls since he's probably mandated to explain the situation just in case readers of this book haven't read any of the others. I can't fault him for that although I wish the book could just continue from this moment and skip the whole Planet Brainiac announcement. Maybe one of the characters will just remember it over one page and we can be done with it.

Sue does the Narrating and she mentions the dome and the competition, so maybe that's enough! Chriscross also makes sure in the art that Sue's wedding ring is loud and proud which is a nice nod to a time when DC Comics actually allowed happily married couples. The Dibnys more than anybody else represented an ability to have a well-rounded, happy life as a superhero couple.

Elongated Man (who I can't wait to appear on CW's The Flash since Ralph Dibny was mentioned as one of the people who disappeared when STAR Labs blew up) meets up with the team at a local gym so they can prepare for their battle.

What?! No "ese" or "culo" or "maricón"?! Who is this Vibe?!

Elongated Man, Vibe, Steel, and Vixen get some quick training in as they wait to hear from Sue Dibny and Commissioner Gordon about any trouble. Ralph is also kind of hoping that they'll get some information from one of the team's big three. I guess he means Aquaman, Gypsy, and Martian Manhunter? Is Gypsy really one of the big three? Maybe he knows Wonder Woman is also in town and means her. Oh wait! He must mean Zatanna! Duh!

Sue explains that Martian Manhunter was in his human form when the dome fell so he was trapped as a human. I guess that also explains why Colossal Boy was stuck at twelve feet tall. And why Ralph Dibny's dick was as long as a firehose.

As Aquaman, J'onn, and Zatanna telepathically search for enemy minds, the building that Ralph and the others are in implodes. It was probably Vibe's fault.

When the Big Three Point One Four (that last bit is Gypsy!) arrive to investigate, they find a box with a button and a note that reads "Do not press the candy red button please." Zatanna, who three seconds ago said that something was interfering with her magicks, says a spell to protect her team and then presses the button. Idiot. When the button is pressed, the Big Three Point One Four wind up in a stasis field while their opponents appear from the Tangent Universe.

That's quite the crotch shot. I wonder if I email Chriscross, he'll send me his reference pic.

Sue Dibny jumps to quite the conclusion by realizing that this team must be from an alternate Earth. But she is Pre-Crisis, so they were probably facing alternate Earth threats all the fucking time. I guess it's a reasonable conclusion. Carry on.

The big guy on the team is Tangent Plastic Man. I bet in this Tangent Universe, he's actually funny! Ha! Burn!

The one with the flail tied to her head is Manhunter. The Ragman wannabe is The Spectre. The other characters aren't specifically named but one is a female Joker who acts an awful lot like Harley Quinn, one shoots atomic blasts, and the last one is a polite girl that can create illusions of herself.

Gypsy managed to stay out of Zatanna's stasis field so she's the last member active until Elongated Man, Steel, Vixen, and Vibe blast out of the rubble to challenge the Secret Six. It's at this point that Vibe acts like the caricature of a Hispanic gang member that he used to be when he mentions that he doesn't know what "tenacious" means and then calls the atomic guy "cafre." That's actually not so bad. At least Vibe can pronounce "tenacious" in this iteration of his character. Back in the early eighties, they probably would have had him say "tenaciouso!"

Convergence: Justice League of America #1 Rating: I must have completely missed this Tangent Universe bullshit although I wouldn't be surprised if going through my old comic books I find some issues from it. My favorite part about this Convergence issue was that it began everything post-Planet Brainiac's speech. I also think it did a good job introducing so many characters in one issue. It can't be easy to have this two issue Convergence assignment and be given a full team that has to battle another full team. Sue really was down on this version of the Justice League of America though. I know fans look at this team as a group of C-Listers but it seems wrong that Sue also thinks of them that way. I guess she's just being honest with herself. It's not like she was speaking the lines to their faces. Besides, any team that has J'onn and Zatanna on it is already a formidable group of heroes.

I sure hope Vibe doesn't die next issue! I was crossing my fingers when I typed that! It's hard to type like that.

Convergence: Superboy #1

Everybody put on their leather jackets in solidarity!

The New 52 Superboy has been a complete disaster. But I don't know if Pre-Zero Hour Superboy was really any better. I'm not one to judge because I never followed the post-Death of Superman story. Every now and then I'd ask somebody, "What the fuck is up with that Steel guy?" Or "Who the hell is that Cyborg guy?" Or "Seriously? Superboy in a leather jacket?" Or "Have the Newsboy Legion returned to keep Metropolis safe while Superman rots in the ground?" And then not long after that, I was all, "What the fuck is up with electric Superman?" and "Red and Blue whatzits now?!"

Seriously. I didn't follow Superman at all. The only reason I collected the DC Comics Presents series was because I liked reading about different characters and that was the best DC Comics book on the shelf at the time to read stories based on a variety of characters. They often weren't the best stories but what could you do? If you wanted well written comic books at the time, you needed to be reading Cerebus and Elfquest.

This issue is written by Fabian Nicieza so it's going to be horrible! Although the last Convergence issue he did, Titans #1, wasn't bad at all. That was disappointing. I hope he tried less on this issue.

For the first time since The New 52 began, a Superboy comic book doesn't begin with "My name is Superboy" and then all that shit about NOWHERE and being a living weapon. Yes, I'm exaggerating. There were a few issues that didn't begin that way. But not enough to matter.

For the last year, Dubbilex and Serling have been running tests on Superboy in an effort to return his powers to him. A full year with no results. This probably says a lot about me and nothing about Dubbilex and Serling but I would have quit after a week. And not even a full week! A work week! Then I'd be out of that lab and off playing with stray cats.

This is why I would have quit after a week. They probably knew all this shit after the first week and now just keep going back over it again and again. Don't they know there are stray cats to play with?!

Does anybody want to buy a slightly used copy of Convegence: Superboy #1? I left it squashed up in the scanner over night and the humidity from my office full of farts has warped it somewhat. Plus it's been read by me and has my DNA all over it, so super find, really! Eventually when science catches up to our imaginations, you'll be able to clone me from my DNA left on a copy of a comic book about a clone! Then instead of waiting weeks for me to type up a commentary about a comic book that you've read only to find I made one joke that wasn't even really a joke but I made a comment about how it was a crappy joke which was the only way you knew it was a joke, you could have your own clone of me sitting around making hilarious comments about the comic books you buy! Although I might say some really racist and sexist stuff as well. And don't introduce me to your mother because I will be getting into those panties.

And when I say my DNA is in this comic book, don't assume I shot a load over Superboy in tight pants. I was jerking it to super straight heterosexual pornography and the comic book just happened to be in my firing range.

Ugh! Why do old people think young people want to listen to them ramble?!

How come nobody has started a Medical Magic Mushrooms movement? I'm constantly bothered by these nagging aches in reality.

The comic book takes a surprise twist when the dome falls and Superboy regains his powers And then Telos declares a competition will take place between the cities he's collected. Oh! I get it now! Why didn't every other comic book make it clear that all of these things were linked together?!

I feel like Luthor now but does everybody all the time have to proclaim that they might see a bird in the sky? Is it that fucking surprising to see a bird fly by? Or an airplane? Who are these easily amazed assholes? And another thing: do people in real life point at shit as often as people in comic books do?

As soon as the dome falls, Kingdom Come's champions instantly infiltrate Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis. Sure, they have The Flash on their side so I guess I'll believe it. But Planet Brainiac leaves the whole competition thing pretty vague. I'm surprised how quickly so many champions know exactly what they're supposed to be doing. That surprise could just come from being a lousy adult that doesn't know how to organize anything. When terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center, I was less shocked and upset by the death and destruction as I was impressed that they could organize something like that. Man, if I were in charge of the world...well, Magic Mushrooms would be medicine, for one thing.

Superboy is ambushed by Red Robin (the Dick one not the Harvest one) who smothers him with kryptonite gas and kicks him in the face. After that, Red Robin suggests that they talk instead of fight. I don't know. I think once you've kicked me in the face, I'm not exactly going to give a shit about your opinions on anything. It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. Superboy might feel differently though since he's probably been punched in the face by Supergirl for no reason on multiple occasions.

Superboy does that tactile telekinesis thing that always sounds a bit pervy to me and knocks some buildings on The Flash and Red Robin. But that's when Kingdom Come Superman arrives to suggest that they work together to save both of their Metropolises. Kingdom Come Superman has an inherent distrust for youthful heroes without patience or any idea of responsibility. Which makes one wonder, then, why he decides to taunt Superboy instead of acting like the adult and saying something encouraging like, "I need your help, Superboy of another world! Will you kick at my side not as a sidekick but as a peer and lover?" Okay, maybe he might want to leave out the lover part since young men are prone to fits of homophobic discomfort.

Superman's line sounds like copy from a NAMBLA pamphlet.

Convergence: Superboy #1 Rating: Not a bad attempt at a Zero Hour era Superboy story. Although I'd prefer not to have Dubbilex telling me what he's thinking the whole time. Get out of my head, telepath! I'd much rather hear Superboy's thoughts about how he can never live up to the legend that is Superman and how he totally wishes he could fuck that woman that he passed by or that other woman that he passed by just now or that woman coming up that he's about to pass by or the other women across the street or the ones he remembered thinking about wanting to fuck the day before and the women that he'll meet tomorrow. Here's a glimpse inside the mind of Superboy who is really Superteenagedboy: "Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Meat-lovers Pizza (not gay man meat, of course! Pshaw! Sheesh! Yuck!). Sex sex sex sex sex sex! Popeye's biscuits! Sex sex sex sex sex sex! When am I going to have sex?! Or Popeyes!?"

Convergence: The Titans #1

If fans picked this book up hoping Roy Harper would finally be written as a likeable character, then they probably missed the small "Nicieza" down in the lower left.

It's been some time since I truly trashed a comic book. Sure, I have continued to point out how ridiculous Klarion has been or how mind-numbingly boring Sinestro is. But in recent months, I haven't lost my fucking mind over things like mistaking Antarctica for the Arctic. And I didn't just lose my mind once because of that! One writer didn't just one time mistake one of those for the others! It happened on a constant basis during the whole Culling "epic" which is an error so amateurish that I thought I must have been reading fan fiction.

Oh stop it, you fan fiction writers! Stop being so fucking sensitive! I'm not insulting your fucking writing! I'm just pointing out that it's of an amateur variety. If you mistook Antarctica for the Arctic, I would read it and think, "That would probably be corrected on a later draft if this story is even going to get a later draft which it probably isn't because it's not being written with a paycheck in sight but as just a part of the enjoyment of the fandom." Remember a professional piece of fiction has editors and proofreaders and people being paid a lot of money to make sure the fiction they're publishing isn't a complete embarrassment to their company. If you want to write a piece of incestuous fiction about Dream receiving a blow job from Destiny as Destruction licks Destiny's asshole, the only person you're embarrassing is yourself. And me if somebody catches me masturbating while reading it. But probably just you because I have a lock on my door. So when I compare The Culling to fan fiction, I'm just saying that...well shit. I just realized what I did. I owe writers of fan fiction an apology. The Culling was fucking awful.

Anyway, I could chalk up the whole Antarctica/Arctic thing to a couple of idiot writers like Nabian Ficieza or Lott Scobdell or Dom TeFalco (I'm using code so when their mothers Google their son's name to feel pride in their accomplishments, they won't find this bit where I metaphorically shit all over them). But then in Snott Scyder's Superman Unchained, the mistake crops up yet again! Now I've got to believe that all of the editors at DC Comics decided Geography was a bullshit subject so it was the perfect class to ditch so they could smoke dope underneath the bleachers and read Marvel comic books.

I remember Spider-man was my favorite superhero at around six or seven years old (I mentioned Marvel Comic books and now I'm talking about those! Keep up!). But then I tried reading a Spider-man comic book and I had to put it down because even at that age, I was all, "Jesus fucking Christ, Parker! Stop being such a pussy!"

But this is about The Titans! That's a comic book I really liked when I seriously got into comic books at about thirteen or fourteen. Although when I read it, I often thought, "Jesus fucking Christ, Dick Grayson. Stop being such a pussy!"

"You have to grow up or choose not to." Never before has one man so quickly thrown his hat into the ring of philosophy and immediately threw his back out, collapsed in pain, and gave up immediately.

I probably shouldn't make fun of Fabian Nicieza for that bit since it actually kind of makes sense. I have chosen not to grow up. But not in that stupid ass fucking "look at how silly and young I am" kind of way that attention seeking assholes favor. I mean in the way that I simply refuse to participate in the obligations that society tries to inflict upon adults. Yes, I pay rent and bills and have a job. But when I drop off my rent, I leave a flaming bag of dog shit on the property manager's porch. And I piss on all of my checks before sending them to the bill collectors. And I treat my job like an afterthought which is probably a huge mistake because when my business finally crumbles due to my lack of care and maintenance, I'm going to be forced to grow up! Although I have grown up in all the important ways like having had sex at least one time (or close enough to count, probably) and knowing how to turn on an oven.

To get a picture of what a lousy adult I am, here's a recent Google Hangouts conversation I had with my super grown up (or at least faking it really well) friend Doom Bunny:

Doom Bunny: "You hate people more than anyone else I know. How do you go through the day without punching somebody in the face?"
Me: "I don't interact with anybody!"
Doom Bunny: "That seems like cheating" [He didn't use punctuation like a lazy asshole!]
Me: "Refusing to play a game you never wanted to play in the first place is not cheating."
Me: "I'm going to have kimbap for lunch! That means I have to talk to somebody! I hope I don't punch them in the face."
Me: "You know what else keeps me from punching people in the face? I'm a pacifist!"
Me: "Also they're not real so why be bothered by them?"
Doom Bunny: "What's kimbap?"

I'm going to apologize to Fabian Nicieza right now before blasting him for being a shitty writer later because this was actually a good opening. I just realized the Narration Boxing was Roy Harper's. So it's just as inane and irritating as I'm used to after reading three years of Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper. So good job on capturing the shittiness of New 52 Roy Harper, Fabes!

Except this isn't New 52 Roy Harper! This is Preboot Roy! I'm taking back my fucking apology! You're the worst, Fabes!

Hal: "He's abusing heroin, Ollie." Ollie: "What?! Roy! You told me you were diabetic!"

Roy Harper goes over his past as quickly as possible because this series is only going to be two issues which isn't enough to cover his entire history beginning with his heroin use. That happened before I was even born! So he goes over the heroin part and then the recovering addict part by saying, "Heroin addict. Recovering addict." Wow! Kicking heroin is easy! I'm going to try some later.

He left out the most important part: Soulpatch.

The "and then..." bit leads into the part of his story where Lian is crushed by falling rubble. Roy then Narration Boxes: "Is there a word to describe someone who loses a child?" Careless?

At least going over his history this quickly gets him right into the part where the dome covers Gotham. Although in his story, Starfire crashes into the clock face of Barbara's apartment because her flight gets turned off. I guess Kory wasn't actually flying in Nightwing Loves Oracle #1. She must have been leaping off of the roof of a building and catching on to Nightwing's rope. And because of their sexual history, it didn't cause Nightwing to crash out of the sky. They totally know each other's moves.

With all the super powers turned off, crime dropped in Gotham. Although since when was having super powers ever part of Gotham's criminal arsenal? Anyway, things calmed down. That let Roy feel less useless because now super heroes weren't needed and he didn't have to constantly eat his spleen about having given up super heroics. So he got a grant from the Wayne Foundation because, even though everybody is now sharing everything under the dome, Roy still needed money to open up Lian's Place for displaced families.

I've been avoiding discussing what happened to the economy of these domed cities and I will continue to avoid it even when one of these stories spits it into my face with a moment like this. How many businesses were ruined by loss of contact with the outside world? How are the banks supposed to have access to enough physical funds for everybody now? What would anybody need money for? According to Harley Quinn #1, drugs are running out and people are still working jobs that probably don't fucking matter anymore (for a full year?! What the hell?). According to Nightwing Loves Oracle #1, lots of types of food is running out. According to Superman #1, Lois Lane is still writing articles and Superman is still stopping crime. According to Batman and Robin #1, The Penguin is still trying to make money by controlling the means of production within the city (although isn't everything the city needs provided for by Planet Brainiac?!). According to me, I don't want to think about any of this shit!

Aha! The economy is now based around pornography! I bet Troy Photo Studios now rivals Wayne Enterprises!

I don't know why Donna and Kory can't hear Planet Brainiac's speech. I guess Roy needs them to look outside so they can read his words floating in the air.

Kory and Donna have their powers back. It's a good thing this comic book didn't begin with Donna Troy narrating it because there's no way she'd explain her history in just two pages. The three of them have the most natural conversation Roy, Starfire, or Donna Troy have had since the Reboot. So that's one check in Fabian Nicieza's win column even though the Donna Troy part of that last sentence is a gimme.

Is that a pedophilia joke?

Arsenal heads into his Arsenal Cave which he built using the Wayne Foundation Grant because fucking displaced families can take care of themselves, fucking layabouts. I'm not going to ask any questions about how he accomplished it. Arsenal can build anything and Planet Brainiac provides are the only two comic book things I probably need to know! Roy's computer system rivals the Batcomputer for keeping him abreast of everything going on in the city. Now he sits before it to wait for something awful to happen. Planet Brainiac did mention fighting to survive, after all.

What voice?! You heard it before they did! You might have missed the second half which they apparently heard but asking Donna "What voice?" after hearing the initial proclamation when the dome fell? Stop being an idiot, Roy Harper! Don't forget: you are Preboot Roy Harper! Now act like it!

I hope Troia (does Donna still call herself that? She's got the Troia costume!) and Starfire have to battle Yankee Poodle Dandy and Pig Iron!

Nope. They get to fight more of The Extremists! And they get the more interesting members of The Extremists! Probably because these are the more powerful members with crazier powers that Batman and Robin might have a bit more trouble dealing with.

The Sabretooth ripoff just has to bring gender into it! He should actually point out how the Doc Ock look-a-like is a loser because he's a fucking Doc Ock look-a-like. Who is also fat. Come on! It's pertinent! He makes a bigger starbolt target!

After Lord Havoc incapacitates Kory and Donna with his Doctor Doom Blasts of Doom and Sloppy Vagina Face discusses chess like the pretentious twat he's trying to look like, Gorgon scoops up Kory and Donna in his Octopus arms and makes some more sexist comments. They're really, horribly sexist unlike my sexist comments which are simply sexist-lite, so you should concentrate on how horribly sexist he is and not on anybody else that might seem to be sexist but totally isn't at all. Scout's honor!

Boy scout's honor! Not girl scout's honor! Let's not get crazy! If I want honor, I'll go to the Boy Scouts where they learn how society works like how women in short skirts were asking for it and how to make wooden cars that go fast due to gravity and how gay people are not qualified to keep children safe in the woods. If I want cookies, I'll go to the girl scouts. Actually, I'll just walk past the girl scouts desperately trying to sell me cookies to support their organization so I can enter the store to buy Oreos.

What a pig! Also he's sexist!

Arsenal saves the day because he's a man, natch. But that's when Dreamslayer kicks over the chessboard and tells everybody that they're playing checkers now. Then he realizes that he probably should have just swept the pieces off the board since now he has to pick up the board so he can set up the checkers.

What I'm trying to say is that he brings Lian back to life and offers Roy a choice. If he kills Donna and Kory, Dreamslayer will let him have Lian back. Although that supposes that he can actually kill Kory or Donna with his dumb arrow. Plus he might want to take into account that this guy's name is "Dreamslayer." That doesn't sound like the kind of guy that makes your dreams come true! Plus his face looks like a vagina leaking Sunny Delight.

I've never actually seen a vagina but I have consumed loads of Sunny Delight in my youth, so I think I know what I'm talking about. I used to drink Sunny Delight before all the cool people I know told me that it was gross and then I was all, "Yeah, yeah. Totally. I never drink that shit."

The issue ends with Roy's cybernetic, double-barreled wrist gun's barrels turning, one barrel each, towards Kory and Donna. Then the barrels say, "Kra-KOOM!" and light explodes out of them. But then the page says, "To be continued!" So I don't know if Roy actually shot Kory and Donna's faces off. I'm going to guess not. Plus Lian is probably real and they'll save her anyway because one of the fans' demands was to bring Lian Harper back. And DC Comics was all, "Anything you want, fans! Except all that other stuff you want! Plus all this stuff you hate! But you really want this, right? Well, now you have to shut up and love us!"

Convergence: Teen Titans #1 Rating: You suck, Fabian Nicieza. You especially suck because I wanted to get super duper angry at this comic book and relive my hyperbolic anger days! But instead you went and wrote a story that improved Roy and Starfire and Donna. At least by their New 52 standards! You actually caught, as much as you could in one short issue, the feeling of friendship I remember between these characters back when I was reading The Titans in the nineties. Or late eighties. Whenever! So congratulations, you stupid asshole, on ruining my day by actually writing a decent comic book. Dick.

Batwing #18

Come on! I'm not done mourning Robin yet!

If David Zavimbe is killed, am I just supposed to accept the next Batwing because of the stupid super hero name? There's nothing about the character of Batwing that makes a Batwing comic book worth reading. But the character of David Zavimbe makes the book interesting. Well, somewhat interesting. I've still never been completely sold on this book. Maybe a new person and new writers are what is needed! I hope Dawn has another inexplicable change of heart and decides fighting for good is actually what she wants to do and she becomes the next Batwing. But she has that sword creating super power and I'm not sure if people in the Bat-family are allowed to have super powers.

This issue begins with Sky Pirate's ugly ass spaceship, The Flying Dutch Oven, blowing the shit out of Matu's house which is also Batwing's Haven. Matu is inside Haven but I think he'll survive long enough to have a few last words with Batwing.

Sky Pirate was hired by some rich white bastard to kill Batwing because Batwing didn't play by the rules. Sure, he played by the normal rules. The rules I'm talking about are the ones where if somebody has enough money, they don't have to play by the rules. It's the not allowing someone to not play by the rules rule that Batwing wasn't playing by. So he deserved to die. So the guy hired The Sky Pirate.

Looking at Sky Pirate's spaceship which is the size of a small city, I can't even begin to imagine how much money it costs to hire that guy. He must charge a large fortune simply to pay for the ship's fuel and the salaries of the ship's crew and the munitions and the parking fees and the bribes to all the law enforcement and military so that they continue to pretend they don't see this gigantic spaceship shooting the shit out of civilian houses. I would think just paying ten thousand people with guns to shoot at Batwing next time he appeared in the sky would be cheaper.

Sky Pirate isn't much for subtlety. Or research. Since this Matu guy was linked to the Batwing technology Sky Pirate recovered, it must mean Matu was Batwing. Duh! Now pay up!

David ends up in the hospital to find Matu on the edge of death from burns. The Haven is a complete loss which means all of Batwing's technology is destroyed. Hopefully he had the Batman Incorporated Credit Card on his person at the time of the explosion. He must have an emergency Batwing suit somewhere, right? Batman has two or three dozen hidden all over Gotham. Probably.

Meanwhile, Dawn learns why being a mercenary is a stupid idea. Not only does it completely go against the character Judd Winick developed, but it also tends to get a person killed. Instead of getting paid, Marksbury tries to have her killed so that nobody will know where his son is. But he fucks it up and she gets away. Hopefully the first place she'll head is to where Marksubry's son is and beat the fuck out of him.

On his near-death bed, Matu says one thing: Children's Harbor. It's the school for Wayward and Deadly Youths that Matu and Rene created. It's where Dawn and David grew up. And it's where David eventually finds a pod Matu launched out of Haven filled with an emergency Batwing suit!

This suit doesn't make him look fat. It makes him look distorted.

Batwing #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. This issue was simply boring. I guess Fabian's entire run was to simply make Batwing turn away from his refusal to kill and wade back into the war he knew growing up. And since Batman wouldn't approve, I have a feeling Batwing has just quit Batman Incorporated. I still have to wonder how a mercenary like Sky Pirate gets his hands on a ship that dwarfs Jason Todd's ship he stole from Crux.

Teen Titans #17

Raven's here to make Red Robin feel better! In much the same way that masturbating while on heroin makes a person feel better!

Why does Red Robin look so sad? It's interesting that after all the tension and all the hype of Death of the Family, the only real thing that The Joker accomplished was hurting everybody's feelings. What a twist! And now Red Robin has to deal with all of his feels. Except Raven is here to save the day! Suck out those emotions, Emo Girl!

Oh! Speaking of Raven, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT NEW COSTUME IS AWFUL! Oh geez. Sorry for yelling but I've been holding that in since my commentary on Teen Titans #16 where I lost a bet with myself and could only say nice things. Okay, I kind of complained about it as best I could in the parameters I gave myself. But seriously! That feathered face mask thing bugs the shit out of me. It's a little bit reminiscent of her hood as the hood always came down to a point in the middle of her face. But it looks stupid. Or, to put it in more intellectual terms, it fills me with a ka-ka-doody feeling.

The issue begins with (possibly) Dr. Light sucking some kind of Light Bubble Power out of a young boy. Doctor Light seems awfully obsessed with showing children the "light and the way." Wasn't it revealed in the pages of the old Suicide Squad that he might have had a predilection for pedophilia? Or was that just some of the taunts he had to endure from other members since he fought the Teen Titans on so many occasions. Didn't somebody somewhere suggest that he enjoyed being beaten by children? Was that it? Oh memory, you foul and mischievous imp.

Meanwhile the Teen Titans are enjoying an awkward limo ride back to New York from Gotham. It's awkward because Red Robin's Narration Boxes tell me it's awkward. But it ends up not being so bad. Except when Bunker's speech bubble says, "Como se yama?" Is that a thing? Do people often replace "llama" with "yama" in text so that it's pronounced correctly? Maybe it's one of those young things that I'm not hip to but Lobdell is. Another weird part is when Solstice tells Red Robin she thinks of him as a friend and he says, "That means more than you realize, Solstice." But then he immediately follows up that reaction with a "Not really" Narration Box. What the fuck? Lobdell must make every moment ambiguous and full of attitude.

When they finally arrive in New York, Red Robin introduces them to their new home.

Does he have "Red Robin" on his credit card? I suppose since Tim Drake is a made up name, Red Robin must have a bunch of aliases. Does that mean he's committing fraud on multiple levels? Good for him!

The new Titans Tower is...a boat. That's right! They'll all be living on a boat! Now when New York ends up despising them, they won't have to blow up their tower and move it to cartoon San Francisco! They can just sail away and park it in Central City! Or Antarctica! Or Metropolis! Or the Arctic! Or Smallville! As you can tell, I have a really poor sense of the DCnU geography.

Red Robin's yacht has a pool, a jacuzzi, a gym, a training room, a movie theater, a game room, and a full kitchen. I'm sure there's lots of storage as well. But he had to skimp on the living quarters and he's making Kid Flash share a room with Bunker and Cassie has to share a room with Solstice. That means Red Robin will be sharing a room with his gigantic ego.

Meanwhile in Mexico:

This is either Bunker's boyfriend or his detached Siamese Twin.

After the whole Joker debacle, Red Robin has been trying to figure out how to earn his team's trust and show that he's a terrific leader that should be followed without question. And what's the best way to build team trust? Make out with one of your teammates!

And make sure it's a teammate that's already romantically involved with another teammate! Go Teen Titans Go!

What's it like kissing Solstice? Is it like pressing your lips against quartz that's been rubbed with rotten eggs? And how would fucking her work? Does she have any genitalia? She always runs around naked, right? But she's just smooth skin except for the steaming cracks...oh! I get it. Well, I was hoping Red Robin would lose his virginity in Firestorm #17 and I didn't care to whom he lost it. I guess this will work!

Red Robin and Solstice might fuck on the deck of the yacht but the scene changes to show some kid in a coffee shop commanding everyone to drop dead which they immediately do. And when the scene shifts back to Titans Yacht, Red Robin is in his room trying to have sex with Cassie. I'd scan that kiss in too except the picture only shows their shadows and that's not worth bothering scanning. And even though Cassie is just wearing a t-shirt, it's done in a super classy way that never shows any panties or butts or crotches. Although Red Robin gets to remain fully clothed. I wonder if his penis smells like sulfur?

Apparently the cause of all these hormones running wild isn't the normal teenage hormones running wild one. It's Raven sitting on a throne of skulls sipping from a goblet of blood and feasting on their emotions.

Can DC fire an artist for completely fucking up the look of a character?

Red Robin is possessed or being manipulated by Raven as Trigon readies his demon army to attack New York. Or somewhere. I'm not totally sure what his army is amassing for. I guess all hell is literally set to break loose? No wait, that isn't literal at all. Not all of hell is attacking, just Trigon's portion. And Trigon might not be from hell but from Azaroth which is either someplace else or just a suburb of hell.

Teen Titans #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm only giving this comic book a positive ranking because it's so far down the charts and this issue was a step in the right direction. If by the right direction I mean "making it feel like an old school issue of Teen Titans." Which is how I meant it because I can make anything mean anything I want. I'm still unclear when The Teen Titans actually established themselves in the eyes of the world but they were recognized by Firestorm in Firestorm #17 from news reports. Maybe Red Robin had a Press Conference that wasn't interesting enough to appear in the pages of this comic book. Or, more likely, I slept through that part where the world learned about The Teen Titans.

Batwing #17

"Arrr! Prepare your bung to be keelhauled, ya flying landlubber!"

Did Batwing get a new suit? He doesn't look quite as fat in it as he usually does. And Ambush Bug reported that there was going to be a new Batwing or something. I thought maybe he meant the person but he might have meant the suit. David really has been needing a sleeker design. His Batwing Armor looked like it was designed in the mid-fifties Soviet Union but with less concrete.

The issue begins with Sky Pirate immediately blowing Batwing out of the air with a gun that makes a SHYEEETUMM noise. Shy Eat 'em? That's the worst weapon firing comic book sound effect I've ever read. I'm surprised DC didn't trademark the representational sound effect. Not that anybody else would ever use it for any reason whatsoever. I might make a guy having a difficult time passing a bowel movement yell that. But I can't think of a reason I'd use that for a sound effect. But then again, I'm not very imaginative. Vindictive and brusque? Sure. Imaginative? I got nothing.

Batwing's wings are disabled by the Sky Pirate's attack which leaves him as neither a bat nor a wing. Is he simply David in Armor now? David lands inside a skyscraper and commands his butler, Matu, to load up the schematics of the building so that David can find the stairs down. But Sky Pirate is right on his ass.

DC is getting their fucking money's worth out of that sound effect! Times used in five pages: 26!

Sky Pirate wants to kill Batwing to collect on the bounty offered by Philip Marksbury, the rich fucker whose son was convicted of murdering women. Normally his son would have been free to murder all the women he wanted because Philip Marksbury was just paying off the cops and the judges and the elected officials. But David Zavimbe (Batwing!) put an end to that. Now all the police hate David for drying up the bribe money. And all the super villains hate Batwing simply because there is a lot of money to be made in doing so.

In other words, Fabian Nicieza took one issue to turn this comic book into Lazy Writing Central. I'm not counting Issue #15 since Fabian was just shitting out Narration Boxes to finish up Judd Winick's Father Loost story. That wasn't a typo. It was a joke for myself. But then in Issue #16, Fabian fooled me into thinking he was writing a pretty good story. David was dealing with corruption and trying to figure out how to balance using Batwing to help stop it. Of course he didn't stop it but he did get Marksbury's son put in jail. And that's what Fabian wanted! Now a man with bottomless wealth has a vendetta against Batwing. How many issues in a row will Batwing simply be attacked by people wanting money? It involves no plot at all. No time needs to be spent writing a believable story around super heroes punching each other in the throat. He can just begin each comic with a new villain attempting to kill David. I might be jumping the gun a bit because maybe this will be the only issue of this. But I've seen it done lazily in Hawkman and Deathstroke and Grifter and Superboy and Ravagers. Maybe others. And maybe I'm remembering some of my examples wrong and what I just said happened never happened in them. Well, fuck them. Maybe next time they won't be so all around shitty that I just add their name to the list of any problem with a comic book's writing.

Fabian also decides to throw in a lazy twist! Dawn, the woman that could make swords out of thin air that I believed was killed by Father Loost but was actually just slightly stabbed, is working for Philip Marksbury! What?! She's not a good guy at all? I guess she was just serving her own self-interests before and now that she's healed, she's back to work as a corrupt thug for Philip Marksbury. Her job is to break Ancil Marksbury out of jail and take him to a country that won't extradite him for trial back to the Congo. And why not? He's just a woman murderer? Why should Dawn give a fuck as long as she's getting paid, right? Don't worry about her history as an abused child that ended up in an orphanage and learned about fighting for the right causes from Matu and the woman whose name I surprisingly can't remember! Fuck characterization when you can shock the reader with a big flip flop twist like this!

Meanwhile, David Zavimbe is having problems at work.

And he's not dealing with them very well.

The Sky Pirate's plane is called The Flying Dutchman. Not very original. I would have named it The Pirate of the Sky. Aboard this flying technological wonder that Fabrizio Fiorentino has yet to draw for me, The Sky Pirate has labs and scientists and super gadgets. They analyze the wing they took from Batwing and are able to link it to Matu. Sky Pirate feels a message needs to be made, so he readies a Matu-sized refrigerator. Nicieza is planning on making Batwing feel something the only way a lazy writer knows how!

Oh! There's The Flying Dutchman! Where the hell do you park something that big?

While Matu is being either kidnapped or killed, David has been allowed to leave desk duty so he can be shot in the back by another police officer while trying to stop a riot at building where Ancil Marksbury is being kept. David manages to not be killed by the police trying to kill him and catches up to the person liberating Ancil Marksbury. I know I've already mentioned the identity of the person but it's still supposed to be a big twist. I guess.

Oh shit! It's Dawn! And she's a mercenary now!

Well fuck me in the eye socket. That explains everything! Now I could be wrong but I didn't get the feeling she was a mercenary in the previous book. She seemed to be a hero just doing what was right as she knelt by and reported back to the grave of Rene (that was her name!), Matu's co-founder of the School for Wayward Youths That Ended Up in Military Death Squads. But earlier in this comic book, Matu says, "I preferred it when you fought simple mercenaries, like your old friend Rachel." So I guess that sets up that she was a mercenary. Matu's statement sounds like she and Batwing fought but I think he's just using her as an example of a "simple mercenary" and not an example of someone Batwing fought.

But forget all that mercenary bullshit! Last time David left Rachel, she was in the hospital and they were happy to have stopped Father Loost. But in the space of a week or two, she's now out of the hospital and she's thrown away all of her ethics. That must have been some epiphany in the hospital to realize that there are no angels when she JUST FUCKING WORKED WITH ONE NAMED BATWING! God damn it! I haven't been this angry about a comic book's ending since the last panel of Batgirl #1 when Officer McKenna turned her gun on Batgirl instead of The Mirror because Batgirl couldn't stop The Mirror from murdering the hospital patient!

Okay. That last sentence was actually a lie as I'm sure you all know since in between the time I read Batgirl #1 and Batwing #17, I've read a bunch of comic books by J.T. Krul, Scott Lobdell, Tom DeFalco, Duane Swierczynski, and Ann Nocenti. So yeah. I've been plenty angry since then!

Batwing #17 Rating: -1 Ranking. The main thing I hate about new writers taking over titles is their flagrant disregard for the history of the comic book. And the editors aren't any better. I guess as long as the writer makes sure Batwing doesn't act like he never met Superman if he in fact has met him or that Batwing's past doesn't get rewritten (and even that isn't a hard rule in comics!), it doesn't fucking matter if the writer changes a character completely. As long as the surface stuff is still the same, nobody fucking worry about it! I guess they don't think the readers of super hero comics are sophisticated enough readers to understand character motivation and themes and foreshadowing and linear plots that fucking make sense. All we can understand is awesome costumes and punching!