The New Titans #61 (December 1989)

Jericho is about to jerk off Speedy in the lower right hand corner.

A Lonely Place of Dying hasn't been as terrible a series as I expected. I figured the title itself would be my favorite part. It kind of makes me sad because it makes me think of a wounded cat going off to find somewhere peaceful to die. So I'm already emotionally invested because the saddest thing I can think of is a cat dying. The second saddest thing I can think of is an old man weeping about how he should have shot his own dog. Especially when that lesson is extrapolated to your best friend. That's pretty sad too, that George would just give up and shoot Lennie in the head before the murder squad chasing them does it. I wish Quentin Tarantino would remake Of Mice and Men so that it could end in a bloody shoot-out where George and Lenny blow the shit out of all the redneck farmers. He'd probably have to make a few other changes to make it palatable, like have Lennie framed for killing Curley's wife and maybe have her kill all of the puppies with the boot of her high heel. That way there's no arguable reason to put Lennie down! Of course then the ending has to be the failure of George and Lennie's rabbit farm. The final shot would be of the farm with an out of business sign and a pile of mangled rabbits.

Tim continues to try to get Dick into a Robin costume but Dick just yells at him and tells him to fuck off in the most Comics Code Authority way possible. He then rides off to find Batman.

I wish Judd Winick had believed this.

The entire story doesn't simply revolve around Batman's reaction to the death of Jason Todd and some punk kid presuming to think he can fix Batman because this chapter is in The New Titans. So the Titans get a few pages where they deal with a crank phone call.

Also Jericho comes on to Speedy. And judging by the cover, it works.

After not being able to find Nightwing last issue because the only thing they tried was paging him, Raven tracks him down instantly when Jericho needs to get rid of her to have some privacy with Speedy. She tracks him down using her powers of, um, feelings? and teleports directly to him. She has a recording of the message the crank phone caller left that can only be played on Dick's wrist computer (which I guess didn't have email in 1989? Not even Eudora or Lotus Notes? What good is Waynetech if they can't even make that shit portable?!).

Meanwhile, Speedy spurts all over Jericho's face. Don't worry, it's off-panel. But I pictured it in my head!

Nightwing figures out all the clues left him by Batman's crank phone call and meets up with Batman. No wonder Dick feels like Batman doesn't give a shit about him. What kind of a way is that to contact your son?! You can't just page him like everybody else? Oh! Nightwing's pager was presumably off. That's why the Titans trying to contact Nightwing was important! But Batman knew an alternate way of contacting Dick that wasn't too sappy or seemed too desperate or would end in some kind of intimate hug. Although the two do smile at each other when they meet up so I think that means they've reconciled?!

Batman crashes into the building to capture Two-Face (or fall into two traps) while Nightwing goes around back to block off Two-Face's retreat. I bet if Two-Face knew that Robin had recently died, he wouldn't be poking at the Batman like this. When Batman finally catches him, Two-Face will be glad that Nightwing was brought in so he can save Two-Face's life.

Nightwing turns on his homing beacon to let Alfred know they need help when he and Batman can't figure out Two-Face's plan. He's more responsible than I am. I'd never ask for help because I know Batman would yell at me afterward. I'd rather be dead in the collapsed building like Batman and Nightwing than have to face Batman's wrath. Oh yeah, Two-Face collapses the building on them! They're dead!

I mean, obviously they're not dead. But they need to be saved! And I'm sure Alfred will dress up like Batman to save them and not send an inexperienced young Master Drake in a Robin outfit instead. Right?!

The New Titans #61 Rating: B. Seriously, I don't know what's going on but Marv Wolfman's telling a pretty good story here. Although I wish it had a little more angst-ridden Batman rending his garments over poor dead Jason Todd. I know he's not prone to showing emotion but he can cry at least once, right?! I guess when he tells Dick, "I nee...I could use your help," that was him saying, "I'm so fucking lost right now, Dick. What the hell do I do now?! I can't even protect my sons!"

The New Titans #60

First time in my comic book reading history that I noticed how much Nightwing's symbol looks like the torso of a woman in a skimpy top.

It's difficult beginning a new New Titans comic book when I'd let myself believe I was finished reading them all. It's especially difficult to keep reading this comic book when the first page includes this warning:

You don't have to tell me twice!

Apparently my brain disagreed with its first assessment that the comic book didn't need to tell me twice because it reread the warning and idiotically read it correctly this time.

Dammit! Why did I already read Batman #440?! Now I'm practically locked into reading this!

Looking on the bright side for the second time in my life (the first time was when I realized that when I die, it'll most likely be in some horrible accident in which I won't have time to register that my life is ending and therefore I'll never actually know I've died, easing swiftly into the loving embrace of non-existence!), I thought, "Well, Batman #440 was written by Wolfman and it was a decent read. How terrible can this comic book be?!" But that pleasant thought was completely undone when the first panel reminded me of something I had yet to consider:

Fuck. Cyborg was still alive at this time. I'm fucking bored already!

Well, looking on the bright side that loves seeing a character yell "Booyah!" constantly, this comic book should be a real treat!

I do feel a little bit of white guilt creeping in around the corners when I voice my indifference of the most boring character in the DC Universe because he's Black. Especially with Donald Trump's recent explicitly racist tweets and the GOP's rush to hide behind other members of the GOP in the hopes that they won't have to shrug apathetically on camera when asked about the tweets. But it's not my fault that DC Comics chose to make their most boring character an Black American man! Would it help if I said some of my favorite DC characters were Black?

Nope. Just heard how that sounds. Not better!

Paragraph breaks don't do as much heavy lifting as I need them to. Sometimes after I've written some commentary, I'll wander off to another part of the Internet to take in some sights. Then when I come back, I sometimes want to discuss what I've just experienced. But going from one paragraph to another, readers just think they're reading it in real time as I wrote it. What I need are paragraph breaks that represent the amount of time I was away (but not what I was doing while I was away or they'd all be variations on "Gone five minutes. Jerked off to Sailor Moon porn where Rei surprises Usagi in the shower and teaches her how to masturbate" or "Gone ten minutes. Watched an erotic massage video and spent most of the time fiddling with the sound so the downstairs neighbors couldn't hear it. Turns out 3 out of 100 is still too loud for some women's orgasms" or "Gone three days. Couldn't take reading another Wolfman New Titans comic book and wound up just playing thirty games of Apex"). Between the last paragraph and this one, I went on Twitter where Andy Richter posted Fats Domino's version of The Beatles' "Lady Madonna." My only response after hearing it was, "Holy fuck." Seriously, I never want to hear The Beatles' shit version ever again!

I also just noticed in the above panel, Cyborg accidentally stuck his penis plug-in to the side of his face! Whoops!

Back in 1989, Cyborg wasn't capable of contacting anybody in the DC Universe immediately. So he's having trouble finding Dick Grayson. He tried his pager and...well, that's about it! It was 1989! If somebody wasn't sitting by their phone, you didn't have many other options when trying to contact them! This is probably one of the moments where much later DC editors looked back at Cyborg and realized he needed to be more powerful. I'm not arguing that he definitely needed to be more than a white noise gun that said "Booyah!" but they could have realized he needed to be interesting as well. Hell, it's not long after this issue that Marv Wolfman completely gives up on him and smashes him into bits.

Having no other options but to risk exposing Batman's secret identity by putting calls to Wayne Manor on the Titans phone records, Cyborg gives Bruce a call. I'd understand interrupting Batman's hectic life if the world were on fire but the big emergency right now is that some weird kid looking for Dick visited Kory while she was practically naked (no wait. She had a towel on after showering so her body was more covered than usual). Batman is busy dealing with Two-Face even though it's the middle of the day. I think maybe Alfred lied to Cyborg. I bet Batman's taking a shit.

Dick has gone back to Haly's Circus to find himself.

I bet these two clowns are actually old white land developers responsible for the circus failing! Their next trick will be to dress up like ghosts and zombies to scare everyone away!

A third clown named Harry comes out of a tent and passes out in Dick's arms. Can you imagine blacking out as a clown? You'd probably wake up in an unknown tent with no make-up covered in lion spit and shame.

Dick meets with Haly and is all, "I read about the circus closing down and I couldn't figure out why. But now that I'm here, I totally get it!" And Haly is all, "Fuck you, Dick! You try running a circus in 2019! I mean 1989! Oh, yeah, I guess I should probably still have been able to trick idiots into thinking freak sideshows and abusing animals was still cool."

Haly actually blames the failing of his circus on too much TV and too many video games. Obviously Super Mario, Tecmo Bowl, and Duck Hunt (hee hee! You thought, "Cunt!") were way more fun and interesting than sitting in a smelly tent being terrorized by people in greasy face paint but Haly really should take a little responsibility for his own business failings. Dick arrives and in ten minutes, he's already washed an elephant and kept a drunk clown from breaking his neck. Maybe get off your ass, Harry Haly, and fix up your shit.

Haly also mentions that there's been a rash of accidents that have kept the selling price of the circus down. I bet it was those fucking clowns!

He's talking about his penis so yes, Dick, he has to ask.

While at Haly's Circus, Dick Grayson witnesses the origin of Clown Batman!

Later, after Bozo Wayne grew to an adult and was wondering what direction to take, a clown crashed through his window.

Tensions are running high at the Haly Circus as some performers want the circus to be sold so they can move on and others just want things to remain unchanged.

Finally, a clown that makes me laugh!

During the show later, Wilhelm the lion tamer gets his throat ripped out before Dick can save him. Dick was disguised as a clown so Wilhelm probably bled out as Dick was struggling to take off the stupid shoes. Tim Drake is in the audience watching because he's smarter than the entire Titans team put together.

Later, Tim and Dick team up to find out who's been sabotaging Haly's Circus. It turns out it was the little person and the strong man. So typical! It's totally who I thought it was and not those two clowns from earlier. That was just a red herring I was throwing out to confuse you.

The team-up doesn't make me like Tim Drake any better. But then Tim makes an admission that warms my heart and I can't help but love the kid.

Wolfman knew what he was doing.

At the end of the day, Dick Grayson buys half of Haly's Circus to help keep it afloat (with Bruce's money). Then Tim shows him the pictures of Batman battling Ravager that he took in Batman #440. He pleads with Dick to go back to help Batman cope with the death of Jason Todd. "Batman needs Robin!" he argues like a nerd doing his thesis on Batman's inexplicable need to endanger minors. Dick takes the kid seriously because who else has ever figured out that Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson are Batman and Robin?! Only the smartest man on Earth and he won't do that for another twenty-five years!

The New Titans #60 Rating: B+. Apparently it's the Titans that make the Titans comic book suck. Concentrating on Dick Grayson and his relationship with Batman and the circus (and even this new upstart kid that loves Dick) causes Marv Wolfman to be at his best! My guess is that it's the lack of Cyborg that really makes the book shine.

New Titans #96 (April 1993)

Red Star’s new haircut is terrible.

The writing and the art which have kept me uninterested in continuing to read New Titans comic books stubbornly refuses to improve. But The New Titans have decided to go all in on the relationship drama overshadowing any actual crime fighting. It’s one thing to have a school of mutants who spend all of their time wondering who likes whom; it’s totally another when the intended reason for the Titans is to make the world a better place. Instead Garfield is involved in a love triangle with Jillian and Tara. Dick is involved in a love triangle with Starfire and Mirage. Red Star and the last descendant of Anastasia of Russia almost fell in love but then she went and killed Red Star’s father right in front of him. Sarah Charles has been pleasuring herself with a much cheaper machine than she normally uses because Cyborg has become a useless hunk of metal. Pantha isn’t worried about any relationships; she’s too busy chasing squirrels, rats, and chipmunks.

I suppose Red Star saves Boris Yeltsin’s life in this issue but who really considers Red Star a Teen Titan? Why didn’t he get his own mini-series for this story? I certainly never cared about his exploits and I certainly don’t care about his transformation to Solar Flare.

The Teen Titans are really limping to their 100 Issue-versary!

New Titans #95 (March 1993)

This art makes me incredibly grateful that Phil Jimenez is writing Superwomans and not drawing it.

The New Titans have had a lot of terrible stories in their nearly 100 issue run so far but nothing as supremely terrible as this three part story. Louise Simonson’s writing is terrible. Phil Jimenez’s art is barely tolerable. Nightwing has a rattail. Gar has a mullet. There’s a mysterious gorilla spying around a corner (you can see him right there on the cover! That’s all he does inside the comic book too!).

Normally, if the writing were at least mediocre and the art wasn’t so consistently terrible, I would say the worst part about this comic book is that Red Star is the main character (sorry, Red Star fans. But, seriously, if he’s your favorite? Maybe read at least one other thing with another character in it? He’ll soon be your second favorite character!). The other main Titan is Cyborg and he’s currently just a remote controlled killing machine (which makes him only slightly less likeable than when he’s an autonomous being responsible for his own decisions and lackluster personality).

The “B” story involves Nightwing trying to use Mirage so that Dick Grayson can become known as a playboy just like Bruce Wayne. This should allow Dick to date Starfire in public without exposing Grayson’s identity as Nightwing. Now newspapers will just print headlines like “Dick Grayson and Starfire Are Total Sluts” by Iris West.

Also in this issue? Gar continues to not fuck Tara because I don’t know. Pantha kills one bird, Wildebeest gets blamed for it, and Gar flips the fuck out about it. It’s not like Baby Wildebeest was found with the corpse of the neighbor’s kid in his arms!

I'm going to assume Red Star just doesn't have a handle on the English language.


Short Sword? Why didn’t he take the name Gladius? Oh wait! I think I get it now. Hee hee.


I think Louise Simonson is trying to let the reader know these guys are dumb and/or she can't write dialogue.

These weird Roman henchmen are so dumb that Nightwing defeats them by farting on them.

Did Batman teach him this?

Previously, I've complained that Pantha's tail comes directly out of her butthole. But she's always been in costume so I'm sure many of you have thought, "Idiot, Tess. Obviously it doesn't come out of her butthole! You're just obsessed with buttholes."

I'll take my apology now!

New Titans #94 (January 1993)

Ha ha! Get it? A few days to kill! Smoking!

“Smoking!” or “I’m smoking!” is how my friend Doom Bunny and I tag any pun-based or sort of stupid humor. It comes from this kid John who was one of the younger kids at the Junior Theater where Doom Bunny worked doing lights and I volunteered to help backstage. During the Wizard of Oz, we were testing the smoke machine for the Great Oz scene and John kept running into the smoke and miming as if he had a cigarette and yelling, “I’m smoking!” I want to say we made the mistake of laughing which encouraged him to keep doing it but the fact that he kept doing it was what made it so great so it wasn’t a mistake to laugh at all! Christ. That was over twenty years ago and we still say it. I wonder if John has gotten any funnier?

The reason I told that story was to pad out this review of New Titans #94. There’s not a lot to say about it. Phil Jimenez’s art is terrible in that way that some people would think it isn’t terrible even though it is. And the story is bland. I don’t want to blame Louise Simonson for the blandness though! She was given Red Star and Cyborg to work with so how exciting could she have made it? Especially since Cyborg is mostly brain dead.

This story is at least a two-parter which seems a bit absurd given that it’s probably just meant to get Cyborg back to his old self. I suppose that was so Marv could take a bit of a break from this series so he could decompress and find himself after being manipulated by and forced to write pseudo-X-men stories by Jon Peterson for so many years.

Titans $ell-out! #1 (1992)

I really should have asked because this comic book is terrible.

This issue marks the passing of the baton from editor Jon “I Love To Add Fake Middle Names To My Name To Make Me Seem Cool and This One Will Be ‘The Titans Need to Be More Like the X-Men!’” Peterson to Rob Simpson. This is the actual baton passing and not the first comic book of Rob Simpson since they’re both listed as editors. Maybe Rob was assistant editor all along. How should I know? It’s not like I have the curiosity or passion to take the previous issue out of the mylar and check! And since both are credited, I don’t know who to blame for encouraging Marv Wolfman to go in this Teeny Titans direction. Who wants to read a cartoon drawn by the letterer?!

The Titans have decided that since they’re constantly being sued and their property is constantly blowing up (usually from crashing into buildings in New York which is why they keep getting sued), they need some kind of revenue stream that doesn’t rely on Batman’s mysteriously deep pockets. No wait. I think they all know Batman is Bruce Wayne, right? He wasn’t that paranoid about his identity back then, right? Anyway, they all knew Nightwing was Dick Grayson and I’m pretty sure they’re all geniuses (except for Beast Boy (er, Changeling)), it wouldn’t be hard to figure out that Batman is Bruce Wayne. So to make money, they sign a bunch of contracts so toy companies and cartoon producers and comic book companies can use their names and images. I don’t know why anybody pays the Team Titans for anything. Nobody knows who they are!

Anyway, the Titans soon realize that they’ve given the green light to use their names and images on truly shoddy merchandise and possibly the most terrible cartoon I’ve ever seen/read. It’s calle Teeny Titans and I suspect they were trying to tie it to the popularity of Tiny Toon Adventures. Except the cartoon’s premise is more like Muppet Babies and the writing is horrible. I wonder if Marv and Jon and Rob and John ever even watched an episode of Tiny Toons?

Apparently this goofy ass shit that I’m fairly certain is supposed to be funny continues in the next issue of Deathstroke the Terminator where he is dead. So, um, ha ha?

New Titans #93 (December 1992)

I’m not sure why this is the final issue of “Titans $ell-out” because nothing is really resolved. The Titans are getting royalty checks and fan mail and have just moved on with their lives. Leonid is about to take Cyborg back to Russia to finally get him that exciting personality he’s been missing for so long (spoiler alert: he has yet to find one) but that’s about all that happens, plotwise. The main point of this issue is the Starfire centerfold inserted into it for all the young males and lesbians to jerk off to. But it was really Mirage, so don’t think Starfire has become a total cumdumpster just yet! That doesn’t happen until The New 52's Red Hood and the Outlaws #1. Not that being a cumdumpster is a bad thing! I’m not judging! How can I judge when I’m a filler of cumdumpsters? One could do worse than be a filler of cumdumpsters! That’s Frost again!

Judging by the amount of boners Changeling pops in this issue, Mirage as Starfire poses for some pretty nasty pictures in this magazine. I should probably post the centerfold, right? For, you know, feminist research purposes!

Why doesn't she have super long pubes?

Also in this issue: another terrible Teeny Titans cartoon.

I feel like this is the first issue Jon Peterson was definitely sacked from and Marv Wolfman was allowed to take control again. Mostly because we’re headed back into Marv Wolfman territory. He’s planning on reestablishing Cyborg as a character instead of a leashed, non-threatening, defanged . . . um, I don’t like where this is going. Plus Phantasm winds up back in Azaroth where he’s destroyed by some creature with whom he’s familiar. So whoever that is, it’s definitely going to be a character Marv Wolfman thought was taken away from him by editorial and he wants that character back. So it’s probably Joseph but I suppose it could be the person the comic book wants you to think it is: Trigon! Or maybe Raven housing Trigon’s soul and sucking on Joseph Wilson’s, um, sideburns?

Maybe this whole batch of “sell-out” themed issues was just Marv Wolfman’s reaction to Jon Peterson’s attempt to simply turn DC’s Teen Titans into an clone of the X-men? So he concocted this whole Sell-out thing as a fuck you to Peterson on his way out. “Thanks for fucking up my comic book, asshole! Now I’m going to make Changeling call a couple of women ‘sloppy seconds’! Try and stop me now, asshole!”

I embrace my vulgar, low brow humor and even I wouldn't call a woman "sloppy seconds." Cumdumpster, sure! But sloppy seconds? So uncouth!

New Titans #92 (November 1992)

“My Mother–My Enemy!” Is this about me?!

Marv Wolfman improves his time travel story immensely by pointing out that Lord Chaos is from an alternate future timeline. He doesn’t explain it in any great detail which is probably for the best because he stumbled onto one of the main ways that time travel would work if it existed. We can assume that the Lord Chaos timeline is the main Titans Universe timeline. And when I say “main,” I really mean “only.” There aren’t automatically infinite universes just because we like to really, really, really fucking believe in free will. There’s just the one. But! Here’s the time travel part. If time travel exists in that one timeline, a person can go forward in time and remain on that timeline. It doesn’t change anything except that the person disappears and later reappears down the timeline in the future. But if the person travels to the past, they create a forking timeline. This new timeline is exactly the same in every way with the original timeline right up until the moment that the time traveller appeared in it. At that point, the line skews off to the side and develops its own branch. The original timeline is completely unchanged but now minus the time traveller who basically leapt off and erased himself from that reality. That’s the version of time travel happening here. I approve.

The other form of time travel that I approve of is the Lost version where everything that happened, happened. Time is one imprint. So if a person in 2016 goes back to hang out at a Bon Jovi concert in 1987, he’ll always have been at that Bon Jovi concert. There is no “revisting” 1987. It all just happens at once. Time doesn’t care that the person technically, if you’re forced to view things in a linear pattern, hasn’t been born yet. Time is not constrained by the same rules that prison our perception.

On the other hand, I once more strongly disapprove of the Titans. Once again, they aren’t saving the world, or innocents, or any single thing in danger except for themselves. The only reason this conflict exists is because Donna Troy exists. The Titans are merely fighting to save themselves from a threat that doesn’t exist if they don’t. That isn’t being a hero. That’s just trying to survive. Plus, just like always, the trouble is caused by family!

New Titans #91 (October 1992)

Well, it’s what he’s been called so far, so why not?

The big question raised in this issue is this: how can adult Lord Chaos from the future and baby Lord Chaos from the present exist in the same space and time?

I know, I know! It’s a stupid question! Everybody knows the answer is “Because of time travel, you stupid knob.” But apparently everybody realizes that some cosmic law of the physical universe would somehow be broken if two versions of the same person were to exist in the same place and they’re all freaking out about it now. Nobody fucking questioned time travel though. “Oh! You’re here from the future? Oh yeah? Cool! Come hang out! But don’t call up your past version of yourself because the rates are crazy or something. I don’t know. Whatever.”

Obviously this stupid question which should never even have been thought to ask is being asked for plot reasons. Is Lord Chaos not really Donna’s baby? Seems like that’s the whole point of the question! Although I hope that isn’t what’s going on because if the baby isn’t killed by the Team Titans, does that mean Donna is going to have to deal with a baby from here on out? Ugh! Disgusting!

New Titans #90 (September 1992)

In this issue, Starfire finds out that Dick had sex with another woman. Of course, Dick didn’t know the other woman wasn’t Starfire, so he should totally get a pass on this one. Although did he really not know it wasn’t Starfire? There’s a scene at the end where Deathstroke sees Mirage as Starfire walking down the halls at STAR Labs and he instantly realizes it’s not Kory by her movements and attitude. I’m supposed to believe Deathstroke is more perceptive than Dick Grayson?

That’s not the only evidence that Dick knew! When it comes out he has slept with this impostor Starfire, Kory says, “Dick! You slept with another woman?!” And Dick is all, “I didn’t know it wasn’t you! I’m the victim!” And Kory is all, “Then why can’t you stop grinning and why are you high-fiving Changeling?!” What a bastard!

New Titans Annual #8 (1992)

In this issue, the Titans prove they’re not a threat to the people of New York when they’re targeted by Eclipso and cause a lot of destruction battling him to save their own lives. Hmm, I might have meant the opposite of not a threat.

On the other hand, Councilwoman Alderman decides the best way to stop the destruction of New York by people attacking the Titans on a near constant basis is to attack the Titans and cause a bunch of destruction of New York. Alderman for mayor!

Nightwing is only as smart as the writer writing him. Unfortunately in this scene, that writer is Marv Wolfman.

The New Titans #89 (August 1992)

When a cover says “Big Changes Ahead,” what it really means is “Nothing happens this issue.” The “ahead” part is a dead giveaway.

Destiny does make a cameo although he’s not named as Destiny and instead called “a voice of the fates” or some nonsense. Even though Destiny made an appearance in the Titans before Sandman was a thing, it looks like he got yanked into Vertigo and a more important story. So the “Destiny” in this issue is just some dick who thinks he’s egging each Titan on to do something stupid. No wait. He actually just eggs on Terry and Pantha. They aren’t Titans at all! Although I suppose Pantha’s been loitering around Dayton’s mansion long enough to be on the roster.

The New Titans #88 (July 1992)

Nightwing gets a long overdue costume change and it works. Starfire gets a costume change and it’s terrible. Luckily the Starfire in the new horrible costume is actually Mirage. Hopefully Kory won’t keep it when she returns from wherever she’s being held captive . . . again!

Baby Wildebeest continues to be played up as the main draw of the comic book although every scene with him is just Pantha grousing and not killing him as he destroys Steve Dayton’s home. Why Pantha is putting up with all this Titans nonsense, I have no idea. Maybe Dayton is giving her a per diem.

My main question is how long did Jonathan Peterson work on this comic book trying to make into the X-men? I mean, they've fucking living in a mansion now.

The New Titans #87 (June 1992)

Pantha’s tail still looks more like a turd that won’t let go than a tail. Why is it coming out from between her ass cheeks?!

This issue was called “Reflections” which means a lot of people learned things about themselves that they hadn’t realized before. I think. Is that how mirrors work? You look into them and, if you’re ready to change and you’re a deep thinker and you’re not in your teens, you go, “Whoa! I’m like not like I was like at all!” LSD helps. No wait. The opposite of that. Don't look into a mirror while on LSD.

The issue would have been better if the entire thing was just a farce following Baby Wildebeest around. Usually I don’t want a story to embrace the “baby trope” but I’ll make an exception for this one. Mostly because the Titans are uninteresting, selfish assholes who have never once helped humanity who make a Scrappy Doo character seem like a move in the right direction. Plus, this issue devoted far too many pages to some Russian subplot that only fans of Red Star give a damn about. Normally this is where I’d tease fans of Red Star figuring that there really aren’t any but the Internet has shown me that no matter how uninteresting, bland, boring, or mundane a character is, some idiot will declare them their favorite!

The New Titans #86 (May 1992)

Nobody fights anybody for leadership! They only fight because they’re sad that Joseph is dead! You know how those wakes can get out of hand when one guy is all “He was my best friend!” and then some other guy is all “What?! He said he was my best friend!” Then they put down their scotches and cigars and begin punching each other in the face while some woman leans over to some other guy and says, “Who uses the term ‘best friend’ out of junior high?” Then those two go in a closet and fuck.

Some other stuff happened during this story but it’s too boring to go into. Oh, all right! I’ll tell you: I drooled a little bit on my pillow and might have snored.

The New Titans #85 (April 1992)

Councilwoman Alderman wants the Titans out of New York City. I suppose she’s supposed to be the “bad” guy in the conflict but it’s hard not to be on her side. The latest Wildebeest fiasco is just more proof that the destruction to the city caused by the Titans’ battles isn’t collateral damage sustained while the Titans are busy saving New York citizens. It was — just like every time — damage caused when a villain explicitly attacks the Titans. If the Titans hadn’t been in New York for the last 85 issues, New York would have been a much safer place to live. I stand with Councilwoman Alderman!

Also this issue, the birth of Baby Wildebeest! That exclamation point was sarcastic.

The New Titans #84 (March 1992)

The Wildebeest Saga, aka Titans Hunt, is finally over! And all it took was for Raven, Arella, and Danny Chase to sacrifice their lives to cleanse the souls of the Azarathans tainted by Trigon! That’s not such a high price to pay, right? I mean, sure, Raven’s a huge loss. But the loss of Danny Chase is an even bigger gain! Although, technically, Danny Chase’s “soul” still exists. It merged with Raven’s and maybe Arella’s to become the ego of the new Phantasm.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot the best part! Baby Wildebeest is here! Hmm. Maybe I’m using the wrong word. Is “best” the word most people use to describe Scrappy Doo?

The New Titans #83 (February 1992)

Here’s the thing about declaring “the most shocking last page in Titans history” right on the cover. It makes the last page not exciting because it’s obviously going to be Slade killing Joseph. And I don’t say that simply because Slade spoiled the shocking ending in his own monthly comic, or because I’ve read this comic before. I say it because this is the way of the entertainment world. They’d rather spoil the story for regular consumers of the media for the possible bump in sales figures or eyeballs by drawing in new consumers with their hyperbolic claims. This happens on televsion shows all the time. Commercials claim the must see last five minutes of a show and regular viewers easily guess what’s going to happen because they’re familiar with the story and where it’s going. I’d much rather be actually shocked by the ending of a show or comic book. You’d have to be a huge dolt to not guess the ending of a book or movie that’s hyped as having the biggest twist ending or espousing some shocking revelation. It’s why The Sixth Sense was so good and every other M. Night Shyamalan movie sucked. It’s why I completely ruined the experience when my ex-girlfriend desperately needed me to watch Hitchcock’s Rebecca and, knowing Hitchcock, I wouldn’t stop guessing at the upcoming twist. I don’t remember if I guessed it because I don’t remember the movie at all because, as I just said earlier, I totally ruined it with my constant guessing.

In summary, this comic book would have been better if everybody involved had just kept their stupid mouths shut.

The New Titans #82 (January 1992)

I guess the secret was kind of revealed. Although it was this exact same secret as revealed on the cover and never really elaborated on. Apparently the actual identity of the original Wildebeest leader doesn’t matter and never really did. It was just a bunch of criminals each with their own agenda leasing the Wildebeest costume for their own ends. Or near enough to that, anyway. Joseph Wilson just took over the organization for his own nefarious purposes because they had the technology to transfer minds into new bodies and to grow new bodies out of giant thumbs.

Joseph Wilson being the enemy is just another day in the life of the Titans battling a loved one. And apparently Joseph turning evil is the exact same thing since he was taken over by the souls of Azarath who are Raven’s people.

Meanwhile, the future Teen Titans are hunting the Titans in the past because the Titans, loving tradition, have another family member threatening to destroy the world in the future: Donna’s son, Lord Chaos.

No wonder the Titans are so desperate to think of each other as family. They’ve all learned that actual family fucking sucks.

The New Titans #81 (December 1991)

This issue exists for no reason. None. Nothing happens. Well, mostly nothing happens. Terry Long cries like a fucking pusshole for most of it. What an asshole.