Superwomans #4

Do women who fuck put "woman" in their super-name while the others use "girl"?

Fuck this comic book. The entire comic book was Lana Lang walking around talking to the ghost of New 52 Lois Lane and saying things like, "You're not here! You're a ghost! I need my medication!" But the ghost spent the whole time not exactly saying she's not a figment of Lana Lang's imagination so Lois might be in the same fourth dimensional prison as Lex Luthor. Who can tell? Not me! I was too angry at every word that didn't advance the plot to pay attention. Which is weird because usually I like when stories spend time building characters through slow moments and dialogue. It's just I'd rather not have that dialogue be with a ghost and most of it concerned with being refutations of the current experience. I had enough of this shit with twenty issues of Doctor Fate!

What Did We Learn?
We learned I have no patience for this grief bullshit masquerading as entertainment. I have no patience for Lana Lang dealing with mental illness and grief and relationship troubles and Lena Luthor and some overarching scheme that is so confusing a character named Traci 13 shows up to not explain it very well. I suppose I don't recognize Traci 13 because she was created in 2003 which is right around when I stopped reading comic books and entered The Great Hiatus. I have no patience for the city of Portland that completely shuts down because of a foot of snow because the city refuses to plow or ice the streets and just leaves thoroughfares covered in cobblestone ice. I need to get out of this house!

The Ranking!
No change because I realize I'm probably not in the right frame of mind to judge anything. Except the art. The art by Emanuela Lupacchino is top notch.

Superwomans #3

Stupidly happy while reclining on a cloud? Shouldn't she be sitting on Lois's corpse?

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Another female superhero with anxiety!
Another female superhero with anxiety who?
Another female superhero with anxiety who is also ashamed of taking medication for a mental issue who also has a judgmental boyfriend who constantly admonishes her for the choices she makes!

The Ranking!
-1! Well, it took longer than I thought for me to stop giving a shit about a super-powered Lana Lang comic book. Three whole issues! I was probably too distracted by the super-powered Lois Lane in the first issue and then I was too overwhelmed by the onslaught of words in all of the issues to realize how much I never wanted to read about super-powered Lana Lang. It's already bad enough that she's just another genius (along with her boyfriend and her niece) in the DC Universe. Nobody seems to know how to write a really intelligent character. They just label the character genius so that they can get away with the character being able to do anything the plot demands if the character is to succeed. Hell, Jason Todd even hacked LexCorps in just a few minutes in Red Hood because he knew a genius! And if Lana Lang, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's niece aren't enough geniuses for you, have I got good news for you! Lex Luthor is also in this comic book! But mostly his genius is used to show how even more genius his sister, Lena Luthor, has become! Geniuses everywhere! Oh, plus that thing about Lana Lang suddenly developing some kind of mental disorder. Oh! And she's dying! So major drama there, I guess?

At least Atomic Skull wasn't a genius! I felt bad for him though because Lana called him weird. That was rude. I was hoping she would kiss him on his lips. I mean the part of the skull where his lips should be. What's going on with the rest of his body? Is it normal? A purple flaming skeleton? How does he get busy with the atomic ladies?

Oh! P.S. Lena Luthor is now bald and wearing Lex's green and purple battle suit. Plus she's constantly surrounded by a battalion of Bizarronesses. So this comic book is at least trying to be somewhat sexy.

Superwomans #2

The Plot!
A Metropolis protected by a Superwoman needs a nemesis on par with the Lex Luthor of a Metropolis protected by a Superman. And that's what we get in Superwomans #2! Lex's sister Lena Luthor is revealed to be the brain behind the recent attacks on all Lex Luthor's properties. With her troop of Bizarronesses, she's captured her brother and seemingly killed one of the Superwomans. She's also been conducting torturous experiments on the super villains in the prison, probably so she would be able to fit her Bizarronesses with powers like shape shifting and turning people to sand. They obviously don't like being henchwomen though because one of them asks Lana Lang for help aboard Lex's gigantic Battlepenis.

The Theme!
I think the theme is to be nice to your siblings even if you're a sociopathic megalomaniac because you never know if your sibling is also a sociopathic megalomaniac! Is that a theme or a moral?! Maybe the actual theme has something to do with how a society who holds profit above compassion and empathy winds up failing to take care of the people incarcerated by federal (and probably state?) law. Not that a sufficiently dark and terrible government wouldn't experiment on its prisoners in gruesome and terrible ways! I mean, historically, I'm sure there's at least one country out there who did some kind of Scheisse like that. But at least we can assume that a government body won't be super terrible because it's run by people who theoretically can be voted out of office if they fail their constituents by turning prisons into factories which pump out violent criminals instead of trying to rehabilitate convicts. But if you leave it up to a private firm, the only thing they care about is what cuts into their profits! And also the private corporation might be run by a sociopath whose sister is also a sociopath who wants to get revenge on her brother by creating an army of super soldiers from technology gained by torturing the prisoners in the privately funded prison! How many times have we seen that story on 60 Minutes?! Probably a lot, right?

The Review!
Phil Jimenez once again packs a lot of words into this issue. What does he think he's doing?! He does know he gets paid the same amount if he just scripts a bunch of double splash pages full of sound effects, right?! Doesn't he know he can spend the first four or five pages just repeating what happened in the previous issue?! Then he can waste another four or five pages of script with a fist fight! Is he stupid?! Not writing is way easier than writing! I wonder if Brian Michael Bendis looks at a Phil Jimenez script and just shakes his head in disbelief before writing, "Pages 1-3: Spider-man swinging around city. Maybe he sees like a cat or something. Or an old lady through a window getting out of a shower. Page 4-5: Double splash page of Spider-man on ledge of building with head in his hands. Page 6-9: Old lady on phone with friend. Leave room for big ass speech bubbles because I have this great bit I'm writing about a lady who thinks she was peeped by Spider-man. Totally hilarious. I will probably get laid at the next con just for this one bit."

Ranking!
+1! Mostly because there is just so much story! Totally worth $2.99! You can't find better value for your money than this comic book! If you judge your value by penny per word.

Superwomans #1

Superwomans?

The Review!
This comic book has a lot of words and panels in it! You can tell Phil Jimenez is an old school comic book guy by the density of the story in this thing. I mean, he's not that old school! He's really pretty much a young pup since he was born in 1970! That's still a kid! Not as young and sexy and virile as somebody born in 1971, of course! But he's definitely of an age that read comic books written by guys who must have been making about a quarter of a cent per word based on the amount of shit they stuffed into a book. Nowadays most writers make about $100 per word! Some make even more by just filling the comic book with sound effects and forcing the artists and letterers to come up with most of the script! I haven't done an average panels per page count since the first year of The New 52 but this one deserves a look. It's just about an average of ten panels per page! And that's with two pages counting as one panel early on. This thing is packed with a lot of story about women doing the work that needs to be done while a man waves his giant Battlepenis in the faces of the media. I enjoyed it but I still think DC should have gone with the title, "Superwomans, Superman's Ex-Girlfriends".

The Commentary!
The last time I bought a comic book with a Superwoman in it that was not Superwoman from Earth-3's Crime Syndicate was a DC Comics Presents Annual. I think I have two copies of it because my mom also got me a copy for Christmas one year. I read all of my DC Comics Presents comic books a few years ago but I don't remember what happened with Superwoman! I think I might actually have forgotten to read it! I remember she was bald and that's about it. But then, I can hardly remember the story to any of the hundred or so issues of DC Comics Presents I read. I remember The Flash and Superman raced each other in one and discovered that aliens somehow barnstormed Earth with their semen to create human beings. And in one, Swamp Thing had to help cure Superman by cradling his head in his lap. I'm not surprised I don't remember many of the stories because they were all pretty terrible. It's a good thing Superwomans doesn't have any actual connection to the DC Comics of the late seventies and early eighties when DC had mostly given up on quality.

The issue begins with Lois Lane showing off to Lana Lang by holding a tractor over her head. This is the part of the story where everybody who doesn't read the solicits (you know, just me, I think) says, "What the fuck is going on here?! I thought Superwoman was going to be the new Superman of Paris or another sexy country like, um, Iceland? But instead it's Lois Lane?! How the hell did she get powers? Did she report on a nuclear power plant melting down and decided to sneak in to get the scoop and got super powers instead?!" This is also the part of the story where everybody who reads the solicits probably isn't reading this part of the story because they get all of their information about comic books second hand but then pretend like they've read them. Just like everybody who reads reviews of movies simply so they can discuss some other person's opinion of the movie instead of forming their own opinion. Most of those people don't even realize how much of their opinion has already been formed by the ongoing conversation before they see the movie or read the book. I see that kind of nonsense constantly online. People parroting other people's opinions just so they feel like they're engaging in the conversation. I suppose it's also kind of a safety net so when somebody tells them they thought the opposite, they can say, "Oh, well, that was just what I heard." No commitment to the thought! But then that's the cell phone connected society we live in, I guess. Everybody feels they need to have an opinion on everything, even if they have no experience of that thing. Which is why I'm going to read this comic book before I come to the conclusion that it's feminist propaganda meant to normalize the role of women as the main characters in comic books! I mean, what's next? Supercat? Superhorse? Supermonkey! Hmm, I hope so!

This issue is called "Who is Superwoman?" but I think that's rhetorical because page one already explained that it was Lois Lane. I think we're supposed to wonder how this happened. Which is good because I'm totally wondering that!

Oh hai, Bethany!

What does that reporter mean by "and then some"?! Is he suggesting Superwoman is better than Superman?! I knew it! The feminist agenda is to make women better than men! I'm outraged! Except I have to admit that most of the women I know are far better at conducting their lives than I am. I would probably be homeless and living in a Volkswagen van if it wasn't for the Non-Certified Spouse not wanting to see me forget to eat and die distracted in the streets. I'm not saying she's taken over the role of mother in my life! That's gross! I'm saying she's taken over the role of Social Welfare Agent who is also a part-time Zookeeper. Sure, I have my own business and we've had a good life for quite a while now because of it. I'm not saying I've taken over the role of father in her life! That's gross! I'm just pointing out that I probably wouldn't have this business if I was the only person I needed to worry about taking care of. I'm really not that worried about myself! I think I would have done pretty well in that Volkswagen.

Oh! I just realize that sexist reporter's "and then some" might have been a comment on her breasts! For shame! What a pig!

Lana Lang has taken a job as a reporter for The Daily Star. That means Bethany Snow is her coworker, that vile bitch! Sorry, sorry! I'm still so angry at her betrayal of the Teen Titans at the hands of Brother Blood. No wait! I like Brother Blood better than the Teen Titans! Bethany was on my side! Go Bethany! Sorry about the vile bitch comment. I actually, um, meant it positively! Vile bitches get shit done!

I wonder if Lana Lang is going to get super powers soon? It seems everybody with the double L initials is getting them. Lex Luthor. Lois Lane. The firewoman whose name I can't remember! Lana's already a genius just like every other character in DC Comics. It sure would be nice to have some regularly intelligent people in this universe. Maybe even some stupid ones. Can we bring Dumb Bunny back?

Lex has created a giant penis he calls the Gestalt which will sit in Metropolis Harbor being the envy of everybody who sees it. Especially me! I mean, especially super villains! They take this opportunity to cause trouble by shutting down Lex's armor (so he's just like Gordon in the Bunny Armor, is he? Whenever the writer wants, they can just shut down his armor and he's helpless!) and sending the Gestalt toward the edge of the harbor where it will probably crash and kill scads and scads of people. Although some of those people might enjoy getting crushed under the weight of Lex's Gestalt.

Oh yeah! I completely forgot this was a Superwoman comic book.

The ship is too much for Superwoman to handle so she tells Lana she needs her help. What the hell can Lana do? It's not like she has super powers too! I mean, right? She doesn't, does she? Oh man. She does! Apparently she and Lois got powers when Superman when nova around them when he apparently died. Since Supergirl is already taken, I guess Lana is going to have to be Supertramp! I mean Superlady! Oh! Except she's also just Superwoman! So the title really is Superwomans! That's just...dumb.

I guess if you're a journalist or reporter in Metropolis, you also get to be a superhero. Although it's much easier for a print journalist to write all about their own exploits. How is Lana supposed to report on her exploits at the scene? She's going to be a huge failure!

The Superwomans save the day in a totally impossible way so it's a good thing Lana says, "This should never have worked. It totally defies the laws of physics." No wait. Actually she should have just never said that! She should have said, "Our asses make great shock absorbers!" And Lois could have been, "I can't believe that twerked!" And then they could have made out.

Lois and Lana decide to become a Super-Squad of Superwomans! They'll not only control the skies but the media response to the women controlling the Metropolis skyline! But then Lex owns The Daily Planet, so he might just fire Lois Lane if she writes too many Superwomans articles and not enough Superman (Lex Luthor Style) articles.

Oh! Apparently the danger on the ship isn't over yet! Whatever caused the ship to go out of control has actually breached it and is still aboard! The Superwomans decide to investigate. I hope they eventually get comfortable enough to call in Batwoman for help! Too bad they don't currently know her number because she could have helped against the creature they wind up fighting. It turns out the creature was aboard the ship all along and is just another Lex Luthor Bizarro experiment. But since this is Superwomans, the Bizarro is female! And she turns Lois to stone! Or sand! Or salt. Something. Right before Lois "dies," she says, "Clark? Oh god. I understand now. It all makes se...". Then she goes semi-nova and winds up as grit. Bizarroness looks just as confused as Lana when the scene ends.

Next issue: Who killed Superwoman? I think that's a trick question! Lois probably isn't dead. Probably. It's just a hunch I have.