Superman The Man of Steel #21 (March 1993)

What wattage bulb are the fucking Kents using for their front room?

Most of my questions on this blog are rhetorical so I don't need anybody pointing out that the Kents probably use "as bright as a yellow sun" wattage on all of their bulbs. Also, did you notice this bit on the cover that keeps making me giggle because I'm a fucking monster?

Ha ha! What is he even doing?!

You might have forgotten that Superman died eight or so issues ago. That's what the whole funeral thing is about even if the funeral was over three or four issues ago. I don't like to deal with specifics because people on the Internet will just wind up clucking their tongues at me and correcting me. But if I say something like, "Superman died somewhere in the last ten issues," I can't be proven wrong because I'm not wrong even if I'm not accurate. It's how I've lived most of my life which is why I haven't been successful at anything except still being alive somehow. And even that doesn't have anything to do with my accomplishments! You can't say I somehow kept my mother from aborting me or that I willed the car not to be in the other lane of traffic when I flew around a blind corner while crossing the center line on my 10 speed bike coming down Highway 9 in the Santa Cruz Mountains at ridiculous speeds or didn't fall to my death while stealing a fire extinguisher from some grain factory in Los Banos while drunk or any other number of simple luck-based moments where I just happened to not die. I would add that I had nothing to do with surviving that time I got hit by a car but fuck that because the only reason I survived was because of my super acrobatic skills and stuntman-like reflexes!

For the record, I'd like to point out that I was hit by a car while crossing with the light in a crosswalk and it was entirely the driver's fault who was rushing to make a left-hand turn before more cars entered the intersection from the other direction and didn't see me although I, using my apparent spider-senses, did look over my shoulder just in time to see that she was about to plow into me and I leapt up off the ground so that my feet were in the air when she hit me saving me from serious injury as the car simply hit my calves and tilted me, sliding me across the hood where I bunched myself up to hit the windshield with my shoulder. I then bounced off the car, helicoptering around a few times before landing on my hip about five feet away to the side of the road. Fearing that the driver might attempt a hit and run, I sprung up immediately like a rabid raccoon and jumped back in front of the car to keep them from driving away. In the end, the driver probably shit herself thinking she had just killed somebody and I was all, "It's cool. No harm done." She really wanted to take me to a hospital but I knew every part of my body that had been hit and how much and I was all, "No, I'm good." Maybe it was lucky that I was all good but I knew I hadn't hit my head or torso so I wasn't worried about internal bleeding or brain injury. She gave me her card to call her in case anything cropped up and I needed to, I don't know, sue her? If I knew where her card was, I'd call her right now and transcribe our conversation! But that was like twenty-three years ago so she's probably dead now.

Ha ha! Oh man. Get up, lazy!

Jon refuses to get up. But not Lois! She wakes up in a nipple-stiffening panic!

Wait. Is she waking up to an alarm? Or is she orgasming from her vibrator?

Sometimes comic books are confusing especially when you're a huge pervert (which, I'm assuming, everybody who reads comic books are so that probably didn't need to be added). I should also point out that her dream was about Superman drowning in a a whirlpool and if that isn't some serious female wet dream symbolism, I should probably re-read Memories, Dreams, Reflections by Jung.

Ha ha! I've never read that! What do you think I am? Somebody who reads books without nipples in? I'd never read something that talks about the weird fucking dreams Carl Jung had while growing up and his confusing thoughts about his budding sexuality! That's nerd shit!

The buzzing sound effect is neither alarm nor Lady's Private Time Bed Buddy; it's Perry White calling Lois to tell her that she's having prophetic dreams now. Metropolis is flooding! Stupid Cadmus. It's all their fault rigging the underground tunnels in the city with mines to keep people from finding out they stole Superman's corpse to do "experiments" on. I put experiments in quotes because I don't think sticking your penis in the butt of a dead alien contributes to the growth of our scientific knowledge. That's more something people do for "the kicks."

Meanwhile, in Kansas:

Ha ha! No, no. Not yet! But it's coming!

Currently in Kansas, Bogdanove and Janke are drawing panels right out of Preacher, if'n they'd only left the word balloons off.

I removed the speech bubbles for maximum effect!

See? If Garth Ennis had written the story that went along with that panel, you'd be thinking, "Did Martha just catch Jon fucking that cow?"

Back at Cadmus, Dubbilex is all, "How do we even know Superman is dead? Haven't you noticed how his clothes healed and he's not bruised and bleeding anymore? That must mean something, right?" And The Guardian is all, "Shut the fuck up, Dubbilex." Then the Newsboy Legion simply walk right into the lab where Superman's corpse is being "experimented" on because I guess they're latchkey kids? How do they have top secret clearance? Are the readers supposed to like these little shits? I've only just met them and I want to cut off my leg, burn it to Baphomet, and ask for the boon of a quite specific Mandela Effect where these little fuckers no longer exist.

Please tell me all you see is a blank panel here or else I crippled myself for nothing. Praise Baphomet!

I just want to say that it's really difficult to do something clever that you're fairly certain nobody is even going to ever notice. But I'm used to it because I have the dad that I've had. Thanks for preparing me for nobody ever noticing my accomplishments!

The Underworlders investigate the flooding and discover it was probably Cadmus who did it. The Guardian also learns of the flooded tunnels with help from, well, um, I guess maybe he just figured it out himself. On the topside, Lois has ventured into the city to do some of her reporting that she believes got Superman killed because she, um, didn't help Superman fight Doomsday and just observed? She's gone nuts if she thinks she could have helped save Superman!

Batman finally makes an appearance but not to express how he wishes he could have helped Superman. He just brags to Alfred that he could have killed Superman too, if he'd wanted.

The Superman in Batman's memory is like ten times more fit than normal.

Lois, being the ace reporter that she is even when Superman isn't feeding her all the information, discovers in practically no time at all that Superman's body is missing and that Cadmus is probably behind the graverobbing and the flooding. Basically she slips past the idiot police guarding the crypt, runs into Maggie Sawyer who simply spills every bean she has, and then winds up in the right place at the right time to run into the Underworlders who have found evidence of Cadmus's bombs that caused the flooding. She's a genius!

Meanwhile back in Kansas:

Ha ha! Oh man. So funny!

Jonathan Kent has yet to collapse in a field actually. He's too busy constantly hallucinating moments with his son.

Holy shit! Superman is 10 times more fit in Jonathan's memory than in Batman's!

Lois teams up with the Underworlders to infiltrate Cadmus. She runs into the, um, some other, no wait, she and the Underworlders apparently find Superman's corpse without any help from, um, you know, nobody, I guess. Once she discovers Superman's corpse, she kicks motherfucking ass while looking super sexy as a hot frog.

I think my dick just said, "Ribbit."

Lois and her friends can't carry Superman's body out of there but she takes some pictures and flees when the alarms sound. She publishes a story about Cadmus stealing Superman's body so that they'll have to give it up or face mobs taking them down.

Meanwhile, in Kansas, as Jonathan learns about his son's corpse being "experimented" on:

Dammit. This isn't as funny as the cover made it out to be.

Superman The Man of Steel #21 Rating: B+. Now that Jonathan has died (or has he?! Is he as dead as Superman is?!), do we need another 8 Part Epic, "Funeral For a Friend's Father"? Fuck, I hope not! Or, actually, I don't really care because I'm fairly certain the next issue of Superman I read will be the last Superman issue I read (until I discover where I've stored Superman #75, of course). Thankfully I won't be reading all the Superboy and Steel and Eradicator and Red/Blue Superman crap that followed this. I'm not sure how I even stayed interested enough to finish out this "Funeral For a Friend" story arc back in 1993. I mean, it's not terrible. But I've just never been that interested in Superman and his cast of characters.

Superman: The Man of Steel #20 (February 1993)

Where were most of these assholes while Superman was fighting for his life?!

Everybody at this memorial is completely judging Superman. It's easy to pretend heroes would be all, "If Superman couldn't defeat Doomsday, who could?!" But look at Batman back there just knowing he could have found a way to defeat Doomsday without killing him nor dying himself. And Hal Jordan must be thinking, "I'd've stopped him with the most powerful weapon in the universe which I know how to use properly unlike that anal prolapse Guy Gardner." And Captain Marvel's thinking, "I might only be a young boy but I've got the wisdom of Solomon and the strength of Hercules and the sexiness of Aphrodite and the quickness of a Zebra and more sexiness and then, I don't know, the visage of Medusa? Why are my powers so complicated? I should probably just introduce myself as magic Superman which is obviously better than non-magic Superman." And Wonder Woman is all, "Leave it to a man to think a problem this tough could be solved with his fists and/or dick." And The Flash knows he can beat anybody being that everybody else basically winds up in stasis when he's running full speed but, you know, writers and editors don't take advantage of that because how interesting would those stories be? Better to think he can be hit with a boomerang and majorly pranked and soaked in a rainstorm and trapped in a mirror. And Aquaman is thinking, "I wonder if Doomsday was part fish?" And Nightwing is thinking, "Damn I look good in my ponytail and disco collar!" And Fire is thinking, "Damn, who designed Nightwing's look? Some eighty year old nerd?" And Mister Miracle is thinking, "Darkseid is."

I don't care what Robin is thinking. Probably has his mind on his little Russian girlfriend's boobies. Which, now that I say that, does make me care about what he's thinking (meaning his little Russian girlfriend's boobies).

The issue begins with just another day-in-the-life scene of the unthanked blue collar workers who have to clean up Metropolis after every alien invasion.

I'm going to believe The Daily Planet's headline simply reads, "Super Dead!"

Lex Luthor's still upset he didn't get to kill Superman so he decides he'll do the next best thing: bury Superman! He says it in a really vengeful and mean-spirited way but his actions show a man really putting a lot of loving thought into Superman's funeral arrangements, crypt, and memorial statue.

Back on the farm, Ma and Pa Kent sit around in the dark whining about how they can't be at Superman's funeral because everybody would be all, "Why are those two old poor people here? Who let them past security?!" They also seem to be concerned with exposing his secret identity but why should they care? They're Clark's only family. If they want to expose themselves to retaliation so they can mourn their son properly, why shouldn't they? I guess Lois could be put in danger too but she puts herself in enough danger already. No need to worry about Lois!

Speaking of Lois, she's super sad and shit but you know who isn't sad? You know who isn't sad because he's super mad? And the most fit? And the coolest?

This is the way an Alpha villain treats Superman's death! You shove a guy's head in his own ass and smash another's face into the wall. You don't go purchasing flower arrangements and paying for a memorial statue like a beta cuck.

Unluckily for the all the readers of this comic book, Lobo's appearance only lasts one page. I love that Jon Bogdanove decided that Simon Bisley's Lobo is the canon Lobo. Just this monstrously-muscled, out-of-proportion beast with a massive head of unruly hair. Just the best Lobo. Of course I wouldn't kick Val Semeiks' Lobo out of bed.

Fine. I wouldn't even kick Charlie Adlard's Lobo out of bed because I want to fuck Lobo.

During the funeral procession, Batman stops an assassination attempt on the fascist leader of some little country who has come to mourn (or celebrate?) Superman's death. Out of respect for Superman and being in Superman's city, Batman doesn't break four of the man's four limbs. He just hands him from a flap pole and disappears.

At the park where Superman's body will be interred beneath the memorial statue set up for him by Luthor, the crowd grows so huge that a few people are shoved around a bit. Green Lantern and Wonder Woman go full cop on the situation and begin restraining large groups of people. Wonder Woman is all, "We were worried things might get out of hand!" Just like a fucking cop. The only thing that got out of hand were some criminals with guns who tried to force Jimmy Olsen into selling his snuff pic of Superman. But Robin took care of them and then the crowd, who were angry that some mafia thugs were disrespecting Superman, joined Robin in beating the shit out of them. And then the forces of justice swept in and treated every person, even those standing by, as if they were causing trouble. But it ends just as quickly as it began because there's really nowhere for that plot thread to go. It was just there for some dramatic tension before everybody calms down and the funeral gets back on track.

Meanwhile in Smallville, Ma and Pa Kent about to take part in one of them murder-suicide things..

Just as Ma and Pa get back to the house so Pa can get his shotgun, the phone rings. Lois is on the other end, full of guilt at simply reporting the news as Superman fought for his life and died. Ma and Pa are ecstatic! Somebody does still need them! They have a daughter! They tell Lois they'll be headed to Metropolis to take care of her.

Superman: The Man of Steel #20 Rating: B. Bill and Hillary Clinton speak at Superman's funeral which was awkward and terrible. I don't mind seeing characters in-universe discuss how sad they are that the Man of Steel has died. But I certainly don't want to see a couple of real life politicians just saying what they know they're expected to say. It's also weird when a comic book uses the actual president in story arcs. But then again, it's also weird when they don't and the president of the United States is just a sort of vague white male. I guess this is one of those "Kobayashi Maru" situations for the comic book companies, at least if they're trying to make me happy. Maybe just leave the president out entirely. Because now I have to read this comic book and think about fucking Neo-Liberals and how their shit campaign style gave us Trump two times. And probably for the rest of our lives unless Donald Trump hears the squeak sometime soon! Please let him hear the squeak. Please oh please oh please!

"Hear the squeak" is from Infinite Jest. If I say it any clearer, I might get deported!

The Man of Steel #19 (January 1993)

Doomsday? More like Gonna-Put-A-Baby-In-Your-Wombsday!

No? Was I trying too hard with that one? Because to me, it looks like they're about to kiss and also they're both currently nutting hard. Doomsday's nut looks more painful but that's probably because his erection is trapped inside a cock cage of pure bone. Plus he probably cums bone. Also his boner is a literal bone.

Other interpretations of the cover: Doomsday just sneezed black snot all over Superman's face. Superman just sharted and Doomsday is reacting to the incredibly putrescent smell. Doomsday just burped and Superman is reacting to the incredibly putrescent smell. Lois just shoved a three foot dildo up Superman's ass and Doomsday's shocked that he could take that much. Superman just tore off all of Doomsday's testicles (I'm assuming he has eight). Or maybe they're headbutting each other?

If I were in my younger, more energetic days (like when I was in my youthful forties!), I would have photoshopped the blood on Superman's face to look like semen. But I'm lazy and in my fifties and psychically wrestling with my mortality on a near-constant basis so instead, I'll just point out that Doomsday's semen is probably blackish red. Whew! So much easier! So much of my precious little time left saved!

I suppose I could have asked some artificial intelligence site to do it for me but then I'd have to kill myself and probably all of my neighbors too, just to be sure they weren't looking in a window and watching as I wrote out my idiotic AI prompt because I'm a fart-sniffing loser who believes not in artistic expression but only in final (and shitty) products. Imagine if Joseph Heller had been too lazy to write Catch-22 and had, at the time, access to a machine that sharts words in pseudo-non-random order after you half-heartedly tell it your idea. "Hey, Protégé [which is something it probably would have been called]. Write me a story about a guy in the military who doesn't want to be in the military because he's afraid to die for no reason especially since the war is basically over and he keeps going up in bombers to risk his life when there's actually no need but he can't get out because to get out you have to be crazy but if you want to get out that proves you're not crazy because only a sane person wouldn't want to throw their lives away in battles that mean absolutely nothing at this point in the war and so he keeps flying missions until he sees this one guy's guts blown out while muttering how cold he is and he realizes people are so fucking fragile and why are lives so freely thrown away by powerful people over nothing at all? Also make sure a whore hits a guy over the head with a shoe repeatedly, a guy with a funny name buys Egyptian cotton and sells it for less than he buys it but somehow still makes a bunch of money somehow by selling eggs maybe?, a pipe smoking guy kills a whore, a young kid gets blended by a plane's propellers (after which the pilot just crashes the plane because fuck man how do you live with accidentally doing that to a friend and compatriot?), and another guy with apples in his cheeks keeps crashing so nobody wants to fly with him but he keeps trying to get people to fly with him but everybody is all 'you're crazy you crash every time' but then we find out that he was practicing crashing to escape and the main guy is all 'holy shit that's how you get out of this mess that you can't control and you have no power over getting beaten down constantly and will eventually be killed by these maniacs! you fly with the guy crashing planes and then sail to Finland or you get the Native American to throw the sink out the window one of those!'" That would totally have worked to get the exact piece of mind-blowing literature that Heller came up with the hard way, right?

I should re-read Catch-22! Although do I need to? Seems like I remember all the salient bits!

This issue begins with Doomsday popping heads and cracking necks which immediately gets the interest of my penis. No wait. I'm just getting word from my penis that the violence isn't what got it interested. It was Doomsday's nipples.

I'd be so embarrassed if my last words were translating a rampaging monster's words incorrectly. He's saying, "Mother please!", my dead dude.

Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen try to follow the battle across the country in their news chopper but it's just not fast enough. Lois keeps dictating the story she's going to win a Pulitzer with as they go even though they've fallen way behind the fight. "Superman probably punches Doomsday in his weak spot which . . . Jimmy, where do you think Doomsday's weak spot would be? The butthole? Jimmy! I'm sorry I asked. Just keep taking pictures." Meanwhile Jimmy mumbles, "I know it's my weak spot," and Lois pretends not to hear that. Lois is in a panic not because Superman might be fighting for his life but because Cat Grant's news chopper is also in the air trying to get the story! That fucking bitch! Hopefully her chopper's blades will catch some shrapnel and it'll John Landis into a playground.

Superman decides he's been holding back for too many issues now, mostly due to editorial mandates. But since he's going to die next issue, he has to give his all one great big final try! So he smashes full speed into Doomsday's weak spot.

Jimmy's a genius! That actually looks like it hurt Doomsday! It definitely surprised him!

Superman grabs hold of Doomsday by the prostate and flies him up into the sky to toss him into space. But Doomsday's like a lizard and his prostate easily comes away in Superman's grip, allowing Doomsday to get away and fall back to Earth while Superman is left pondering if ripping out an alien's prostate is gay, this being the 90s and all. I think it's definitely not gay to stick your hand in an alien's asshole and tear out its prostate. But sniffing and licking it after might be? Or is that just regular old human curiosity?

Meanwhile, The Guardian has a telepathic conversation with some creature with tits on its forehead. Dubbilex? More like Dubbil-D!

The alien works for Cadmus and suspects that Doomsday migth be a Cadmus creation. That means he's full of gooey caramel? The Guardian, afraid to get sued at the end of this, asks the alien to mindread Doomsday to make sure he's not one of Cadmus's "D.N.Alien" experiments, and if he is, maybe put in a call to their lawyers toot sweet.

Ma Kent worriedly watches the news coverage at home in Smallville while trying to fight off Pa's sexual advances.

"Oh, he'll be fine, Ma! Please, just touch it! We've only get ten minutes until Wheel!"

While leaping into Metropolis, Doomsday doesn't account for the years of failing to keep the infrastructure up-to-date and crashes through the street and into the underworld. He lands on top of those weird underworlders who live in the Metropolis sewers and have recently been arresting refugees from WarWorld. Doomsday frees the War World criminals to help make more trouble but then kills them on the next page when they try to suck his dick for his help. I'm suffering narrative whiplash! I totally expected Doomsday's rescue to start causing chaos like in Knightfall but instead I guess he just dropped in to tie up some loose ends. Who needs these WarWorld pricks causing trouble now that Doomsday's arrived? Small beans, these guys.

Superman arrives and thinking back to his younger days spending all day watching wrestling with his dad, he throws a Swinging Neckbreaker on Doomsday.

Being Superman, he has the added benefit of not just picking Doomsday up from the ground but himself as well!

Doomsday quickly taps out and Superman saves the world! Again! The End! is probably what Lois wish would have happened. But instead, Doomsday's foot catches on a power line, tearing it from the wall. It sparks and ignites the gas that's either from a broken gas line or Doomsday's butthole, and everybody blows up in a massive explosion. By everybody, I think I just mean Superman and Doomsday because Superman warned all the underworld losers to get to safety. Unless the writers of the four monthly Superman titles met up for tacos and story arc discussions and all agreed the whole underworld people of Metropolis story was getting fucking old. Then all the underworld people blew up too, cross my fingers.

Oh! I guess crossing your fingers works! I should do it more often. Let's see, cross my fingers and, "I hope I get a massive blow job from like four women and/or feminine guys!"

I'll let you know if my crossed finger wish comes true! Although you can never rule out that it didn't come true until I'm dead. Or maybe buried because who knows what might happen to my body in the morgue.

While Superman and Doomsday blow up the entirety of the suburb known as Newtown and cause several news helicopters to crash into each other from the shock waves (probably not Cat's or Lois's), Alexander Luthor's giving a press conference to explain how what's about to happen to Metropolis is Superman's fault. It's the same old chicken and egg smear campaign used by every other demagogue villain before Luthor, like Glorious Godfrey and Councilwoman Alderman and every Republican that can't get Hilary Clinton's name out of their mouths even though everybody else never even thinks about her anymore and every centrist who suddenly has decided that the definition of antisemitism is not wanting a country to bomb hospitals and kill children and murder journalists and generally just decide every civilian of a certain ethnicity is a terrorist: is Metropolis less safe because Superman lives there?! It's the kind of speech that, by now, everybody should understand that the person giving it is always the baddie. If you spend all of your time trying to get the press to spread terrible gossip about a generally accepted good person, or hell, even a neutral person who nobody has really thought about much, you're almost certainly a piece of shit with an agenda that leads directly into your bank account.

Supergirl rushes off to help Superman as Superman and Doomsday continue to buttfuck across the Metropolis skyline.

I mean battle. They're battling, not buttfucking. Right?

One of Doomsday's bones penetrates Superman before Supergirl can arrive with a hose. She manages to get Doomsday off Superman and Doomsday turns on her. Doomsday punches the smile right off her face. Also her nose and one of her eyes. And her chin and cheeks too? Gross.

I still wouldn't throw her out of bed.

Hell, why would I throw anybody out of bed? Once you've got them in your bed, you're practically doing it! Sometimes when a woman gets in my bed, I've already done it in pants several times just thinking about it! I suppose if she was all, "Oh no! I'm about to spray diarrhea everywhere!", I might throw her out of the bed. But more likely, I'd simply run out of the room trying not to throw up at the thought of all that terrible liquid foulness coming out of the spot I really want to put my mouth.

Supergirl loses consciousness and turns into some gray alien that I absolutely would throw out of my bed.

It doesn't even have the spot where I want to put my mouth! Useless!

Bibbo happens to be nearby on a roof with two much smarter people. They've hauled up a massive laser and were just waiting for Supergirl's sexy behind to get out of the way before firing it at Doomsday. They must have consulted with Jimmy Olsen because they blast Doomsday right in the place I'd put my mouth if I was attracted to Doomsday but I'm not because he's gross and angry and I do not find angry, gross people attractive. Hell, I don't even find angry attractive people attractive.

Pow! Right in the kisser!

In my special view of the world, Ralph Kramden was always threatening to anally fist Alice. You probably don't want to hear what I think Ralph was constantly doing to Ed. Don't worry! In my mind, Ed loved it and everything was consensual. Alice getting anally fisted by Ralph was something Alice loved and Ralph threatened her with it because it made her come so hard she'd become docile and subservient in her overloaded pleasure sensors state of ecstasy. That's way better than the actual version of The Honeymooners where we just had to believe that threatening domestic violence against your wife was the height of hilarity. I mean, it sort of was but the threatened violence wasn't the funny bit. The funny bit was how Alice (and the audience) knew exactly how broken and impotent Ralph was and how she scoffed in his face because she knew he could never go through with it.

Superman picks himself back up as Doomsday shakes off the blast from Bibbo. The two combatants meet back up and begin punching each other in the face. It's now an outright brawl until one of them drops! Or, you know, both of them at the exact same time like in Rocky II.

The Man of Steel #19 Rating: C+. Loads and loads of destruction this issue, mostly due to gas lines breaking and blowing up large parts of the city. During these chaotic events, various citizens of Metropolis philosophize on the nature of Doomsday. This allows the reader to realize Doomsday isn't just another gigantic space monster that Superman has a tough time beating up. Lois says, "Doomsday is probably the deadliest foe Superman has ever faced," and I was all, "Oh no! That can't be good!" Then The Guardian says, "I'm afraid Doomsday is too big for Superman to handle alone," and I was all, "Are these goosebumps or rapid onset adult arm pimples?!" The alien Dubbilex mind-speaks, "We'll have to work to stop him in any case. If anyone can stop him," and I was all, "This doesn't look good at all!" (Because I had shit myself from the tension.) Then Superman himself thinks, "Better finish this quick, if I'm gonna live to finish it at all," and I passed out for about ten minutes from worry and anxiety. Then I almost saw up Supergirl's skirt in that one panel and I got my second wind and a boner. Then some other character whom I don't recognize says this about Doomsday, "From the way he's behavin', I'd say he's the devil incarnate usherin' in the end of the world!" By then, I was sort of spiraling not from my worry about Superman but my worry that my boner got even harder after I saw that Supergirl was actually an ugly skinny gray androgynous creature with bug eyes. But then the comic book was basically over and Superman had survived and I don't remember where I've stored my Superman #75 issue so now I'll never know how this fight turns out! Although the next issue in my stack has the header "Funeral for a Friend" and the advert square reads "World Without a Superman!" so, you know, it doesn't look good.

Superman: The Man of Steel #18 (December 1992)

Look out, Superman! It's a fat guy in a hazmat suit!

In 1992, a fat guy in a hazmat suit was the most intimidating and threatening image a team of comic book creators could come up with. Either that or Dan Jurgens hadn't quite finished with his sketch for a creature that would finally bring down Superman. After pressuring him to finish up the scariest creature he's ever designed but getting nowhere, they simply yelled at Jon Bogdanove to "put him in a bag covered in PVC piping and be done with it!" This cover looks like something Keith Giffen would have wet farted out of his asshole while drunk and still made into the most hilarious comic book DC ever published. Except it's supposed to be threatening. Maybe everybody remembered how fucking stupid Lobo looked when he first appeared and yet he became the deadliest character in the DC Universe. So editorial was all, "Who cares how dumb he looks! We'll make him threatening later!" And then Dan Jurgens was all, "What if his bones were on the outside?" And that allowed Bogdanove to make Doomsday just a little bit more interesting on the inside.

This isn't anything like Wolverine, you cynical assholes. Doomsday's knuckle blades are stubby spikes!

I don't know why Doomsday broke out of the middle of the Earth instead of crashing to Earth from space. I guess so he could be more of a surprise. Coming from space, everybody would have noticed him. But crashing out of the ground like a fat mole in a hazmat suit tangled up in PVC pipes? That's fucking bad-ass! Did that read as sarcastically as I hoped it would? I don't like to be sarcastic because it feels like I'm disrespecting the medium of comic books when I do. But having just realized, after all these years, that Superman was killed by a fucking mole man has me questioning if the comic book medium perhaps didn't have the best people working in it.

This is the page opposite the one I scanned of Doomsday breaking out of the ground:

Apparently you put glasses on this body, throw it in a suit, make it stumble and stutter a bit, and suddenly everybody thinks this Chad is a fucking cuck.

Sorry for the worst-people-on-Earth vernacular. Sometimes I can't help myself. Anyway, those two pictures splashed on opposite pages tells nearly the entire story soon to come. A demon of destruction risen from Hell battling against a soaring, sky-bound angel of hope, complete with the name of the victor over Superman's head. Did I even need to buy the next year's worth of Superman comic books? Did I need to purchase this issue twice?

Oh yeah. I have two copies of this issue! I'm sure it was an absentminded error and not some sort of '90s comic retirement plan. I never fell for that investment shit. If I have two copies of an issue, it's because the comic book shop left the comic on the "NEW!" rack two weeks in a row and I'd forgotten I'd purchased the book the week before. I have far worse duplicates than the first appearance of Doomsday as evidence that I wasn't trying to make money. Although the main evidence of that is that I own zero Image titles from the '90s!

The main story concerns some underworld monster club living in the Metropolis subway and sewer tunnels who want to take over the above world. Was Superman's main threats in the '90s mole people? Lois reads Clark's mail at work warning him of a mole man attack on a power station. She realizes he doesn't check his mail at the Daily Planet because the mail boxes are on the ground floor and he always comes in via the roof. So she leaves a note on his computer and tells a coworker that if they see Clark, tell him Lois left a note on his computer. Too bad Clark didn't give Lois a nifty watch that alerts him to trouble like he gave his boy Jimmy. Maybe he did but she used it on non-emergency things like needing to get super fucked or asking him to pick up toilet paper on the way home so he took it away.

Before Clark can read the message about underworld monsters breaking into a power station's sub-levels, the monsters cut the power and Clark loses Lois's message! How did Lois not foresee that happening?! She's fucking losing her touch.

Meanwhile, Doomsday proves he's as dangerous as a feral cat.

I don't know why the bird flies directly into Doomsday's hand. Is that ever mentioned again? Does he have the power to control animals? Was that scene simply an allusion to the canary in a coalmine theory of detecting danger? Plus it reiterates the idea that this threat to Superman comes from under the ground. Is that important or am I making too big a deal out of it? Was Doomsday meant to represent Satan? Was this some kind of Christian allegory where good battles evil? Then it looks like evil has won but good actually just died to save mankind and then returns from the dead a short time later? Were we all fooled into buying some pop culture Christian tat? Man, I'm so pissed now!

If you want to see how quickly a crack journalistic news team like the people running the Daily Planet can figure out when a blackout happens, check this out:

Almost as quickly as everybody else in the world!

I'm surprised the media would jump to the conclusion that Metropolis was having a blackout without first hearing all the sides to the story. If even one person says there's no blackout, don't they feel compelled to then report that some sources say there is no blackout and that opinion should be weighted just as heavily as the opinions — heavily weighted with all of the evidence that their opinion is correct — that a blackout is happening. I guess internally, inside the newsroom, they can speak the truth which they'd never dare print. Assholes.

Meanwhile the underworld monsters (or should I say the demons from hell?) celebrate their victory over electric power. They will now rule the city since we all know that nobody can do anything but whinge on and on when the power goes out. The overworlders will simply roll over just to get a little more juice for their entertainment systems.

Meanwhile, Doomsday smashes a tree. Boy, he sure is evil!

Superman apparently got the message about the power station being under attack because he arrives in time to find some little kid spraypainting the Superman logo on the roof of the power station. He doesn't have time to arrest the kid for copyright infringement because he has to go underground and stop the army of mole people from taking over Metropolis and also killing Lois. With the help of a pacifist underworld hippie, Superman saves Lois. Without any help from anybody else, Superman saves Metropolis from the underworlders who weren't actually Metropolis underworlders but refugees from Warworld who couldn't stop making war.

Superman couldn't pull his punch enough to not make a hippie's head explode. Lois just returned the favor and saved that guy's life.

I don't know about you but Lois's foot going up Superman's bunghole is kind of doing it for me right now.

Meanwhile, Doomsday finally decides to attack a bridge so that the Justice League notices. Nobody cared when he was just destroying wildlife. But start doing property damage and the authorities perk up real quick. Oberon hears about the carnage and contacts the Justice League to take care of it and/or get their asses kicked so hard that they all lose confidence in themselves and fear fighting crime for the rest of their lives.

Superman: The Man of Steel #18 Rating: B. I never read much Superman so was this kind of thing normal? Did he often beat up a space threat like Warworld only to have to face some threat from underground immediately after? Constantly swinging back and forth between the two? Which makes Doomsday the ultimate threat because he crawled out of the Earth but we eventually find out he's from space. I think. What am I, a boring ass Superman scholar? Unless he was battling Lobo or Ambush Bug, I barely gave a shit about him! I only owned the entire run of DC Comics Presents for the guest stars!

New Titans #96 (April 1993)

Red Star’s new haircut is terrible.

The writing and the art which have kept me uninterested in continuing to read New Titans comic books stubbornly refuses to improve. But The New Titans have decided to go all in on the relationship drama overshadowing any actual crime fighting. It’s one thing to have a school of mutants who spend all of their time wondering who likes whom; it’s totally another when the intended reason for the Titans is to make the world a better place. Instead Garfield is involved in a love triangle with Jillian and Tara. Dick is involved in a love triangle with Starfire and Mirage. Red Star and the last descendant of Anastasia of Russia almost fell in love but then she went and killed Red Star’s father right in front of him. Sarah Charles has been pleasuring herself with a much cheaper machine than she normally uses because Cyborg has become a useless hunk of metal. Pantha isn’t worried about any relationships; she’s too busy chasing squirrels, rats, and chipmunks.

I suppose Red Star saves Boris Yeltsin’s life in this issue but who really considers Red Star a Teen Titan? Why didn’t he get his own mini-series for this story? I certainly never cared about his exploits and I certainly don’t care about his transformation to Solar Flare.

The Teen Titans are really limping to their 100 Issue-versary!

New Titans #95 (March 1993)

This art makes me incredibly grateful that Phil Jimenez is writing Superwomans and not drawing it.

The New Titans have had a lot of terrible stories in their nearly 100 issue run so far but nothing as supremely terrible as this three part story. Louise Simonson’s writing is terrible. Phil Jimenez’s art is barely tolerable. Nightwing has a rattail. Gar has a mullet. There’s a mysterious gorilla spying around a corner (you can see him right there on the cover! That’s all he does inside the comic book too!).

Normally, if the writing were at least mediocre and the art wasn’t so consistently terrible, I would say the worst part about this comic book is that Red Star is the main character (sorry, Red Star fans. But, seriously, if he’s your favorite? Maybe read at least one other thing with another character in it? He’ll soon be your second favorite character!). The other main Titan is Cyborg and he’s currently just a remote controlled killing machine (which makes him only slightly less likeable than when he’s an autonomous being responsible for his own decisions and lackluster personality).

The “B” story involves Nightwing trying to use Mirage so that Dick Grayson can become known as a playboy just like Bruce Wayne. This should allow Dick to date Starfire in public without exposing Grayson’s identity as Nightwing. Now newspapers will just print headlines like “Dick Grayson and Starfire Are Total Sluts” by Iris West.

Also in this issue? Gar continues to not fuck Tara because I don’t know. Pantha kills one bird, Wildebeest gets blamed for it, and Gar flips the fuck out about it. It’s not like Baby Wildebeest was found with the corpse of the neighbor’s kid in his arms!

I'm going to assume Red Star just doesn't have a handle on the English language.


Short Sword? Why didn’t he take the name Gladius? Oh wait! I think I get it now. Hee hee.


I think Louise Simonson is trying to let the reader know these guys are dumb and/or she can't write dialogue.

These weird Roman henchmen are so dumb that Nightwing defeats them by farting on them.

Did Batman teach him this?

Previously, I've complained that Pantha's tail comes directly out of her butthole. But she's always been in costume so I'm sure many of you have thought, "Idiot, Tess. Obviously it doesn't come out of her butthole! You're just obsessed with buttholes."

I'll take my apology now!

New Titans #94 (January 1993)

Ha ha! Get it? A few days to kill! Smoking!

“Smoking!” or “I’m smoking!” is how my friend Doom Bunny and I tag any pun-based or sort of stupid humor. It comes from this kid John who was one of the younger kids at the Junior Theater where Doom Bunny worked doing lights and I volunteered to help backstage. During the Wizard of Oz, we were testing the smoke machine for the Great Oz scene and John kept running into the smoke and miming as if he had a cigarette and yelling, “I’m smoking!” I want to say we made the mistake of laughing which encouraged him to keep doing it but the fact that he kept doing it was what made it so great so it wasn’t a mistake to laugh at all! Christ. That was over twenty years ago and we still say it. I wonder if John has gotten any funnier?

The reason I told that story was to pad out this review of New Titans #94. There’s not a lot to say about it. Phil Jimenez’s art is terrible in that way that some people would think it isn’t terrible even though it is. And the story is bland. I don’t want to blame Louise Simonson for the blandness though! She was given Red Star and Cyborg to work with so how exciting could she have made it? Especially since Cyborg is mostly brain dead.

This story is at least a two-parter which seems a bit absurd given that it’s probably just meant to get Cyborg back to his old self. I suppose that was so Marv could take a bit of a break from this series so he could decompress and find himself after being manipulated by and forced to write pseudo-X-men stories by Jon Peterson for so many years.

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2

Hey DC! Pay more attention to where you stick the credits and the UPC Code! I'm having trouble jerking off here! Although the butthole with teeth is actually helping.

Last issue ended with Steel burned and broken by Gen 13 and her crew. Unless the crew is called Gen 13 and "Gen 13" is simply Fairchild. I think I've pointed out before how I didn't read any Image comic books because I was too discerning and intelligent and artistic and dignified. If I had read Image back then, I'd probably say that I read it because of a lot of the same adjectives because whatever I did (or would have done) was (or would have been?) the smart thing to do. If not reading Image was stupid on my part, I would have read Image! Thus it was stupid to read Image because I didn't read it! Q.E.D!

I've been giving 90s Image readers a hard time lately but I figure they can handle it. They must have huge piles of self-esteem if they weren't embarrassed to actually purchase Image Comics at their local comic book store.

Hopefully this issue ends with Streaky II escaping into the New 52 universe. It'll be a shame if Streaky II is stuck in whatever Limbo this Convergence universe gets stuck in. Although it looks like the entire planet might be moving into The New 52. It'll become the planet of continuity errors! Whenever some fangirl points out a flaw in a story, the writer can just say, "Oh, well that happened on Telos!" And then everybody can be...well, not happy, exactly but they can all kind of save face and just stop talking about it.

And the cat! Don't forget Streaky II!

Who wants to bet that when Nate and Jem take off to battle the other teenage heroes, Hamilton breaks every ethical vow he's ever taken and begins shooting Steel up with Nano-Bullshit! Sure he'll save Steel's life but it's theoretically the wrong thing to do! I think theoretical ethics and metaphysical philosophy trumps reality. But that's probably why I'm not an action hero! It's taking the bullet by the horns and just diving into the shooting ring that gets shit done! Not endlessly reblogging other people's opinions and adding, "THIS!"

Steel Girl and Steel Boy head out to find Gen 13 while hoping that Parasite has already taken care of them. Of course then they'll have to deal with Parasite. Or just run from Parasite. I suppose Parasite can be the hero of Metropolis and save it from nonexistence.

John wakes up and meets Streaky II. That's when he declares he wants a hit of whatever the cat got.

"John! We...let me turn this on and set up the needles...can't inject you with these...okay, that all looks good. Prepare for the injection...nanoparticles! There's no telling what...this will only pinch for a second and then you'll have super powers...they can do to you! I won't be a part of it! It's done!"

While John probably dies from being injected by unknown crap scraped from the inside of the dome, Steel Girl and Steel Boy contemplate teaming up with Parasite. But they're heroes! They're probably going to do the stupid and the right thing to do which is helping the other teenagers to survive! Afterward, they'll probably all go out roller skating and stop by the malt shop. Oh wait. This takes place in 1994, not 1954.

Gen 13 defeats The Parasite by covering him up with a dumpster. Well, that was easy. Other characters that can be defeated by being covered by a dumpster: Green Arrow, Speedy, Merlyn, Emiko, everybody else that uses a bow and arrow, and that's about it.

Steel Girl and Steel Boy see Gen 13 defeat Parasite and they yell, "That's our cue!" Now that Gen 13 have proven they can defeat somebody way more powerful than the Steel Kids, the Steel Kids attack because they suck at strategy and tactics and thinking.

Meanwhile John Henry steals Streaky II's thunder by living through the experiment and becoming as powerful as the cat. The only difference is that Steel cares about shit and Streaky II just wants to lick its shiny metal ass.

It forms anything you think of? That would be embarrassing! I'd probably jump out of bed with boobies and vaginas popping out all over me! And maybe a few cocks but that's only because seeing a hard cock is a turn on in certain contexts! I'm not into them all by themselves! I'm so straight the Romans based their systems of roadways on me! At least I think I'm straight. Can you truly be considered straight if no woman has ever let you put your dick inside of her?

Is it gay to stick chewed up Bazooka Joe bubble gum on the tip of your dick while one of your friends does the same thing and then stick them together? I mean as an elementary school kid! Not as a grown adult on lunch break at work!

The first thing Steel imagines is a bunch of bongs on his wrist. Then he makes some bongs on his back. Then he flies off to find his niece and nephew. He arrives just in time to steal (Get it?! Steel! Steal?!) all of the credit because the kids were actually doing just fine against the Parasite-weakened Gen 13.

And Streaky II too! How dare you forget him!

Just like most battles between good guys, the heroes begin to question why they're fighting after about eight minutes of battle. That's enough for the fanboys and fangirls to wet their unmentionables with unmentionable bodily fluids. Now it's time for one side to surrender so they can team up against Telos! Which actually just means ending this story while they wait for Convergence to end in the weekly books. Which it has already but I'm about two weeks behind in my reading. Stupid life and time and sleeping!

Steel tells the Gen 13 kids that he can beat Telos because he has Telos's seed inside of him. Maybe he says nanotech but seed sounded dirtier. Everybody makes up and decides to turn their attention to Telos. But that's when the Gen 13 kids disappear back through the portals from whence they came. And, presumably, became nonexistent because remember how San Diego disappeared in Convergence: Aquaman #2?! Good thing the Wildstorm characters still exist in The New 52. Although it seems DC has decided to wipe out everything else Jim Lee created previously. I don't think the history was any great loss.

They were cool? What the fuck are you basing that on, Natasha?! The size of Grunge's bulge?

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2 Rating: This issue earned Five Railroad Spikes out of Ten because it was just a ho-hum adventure that didn't really tug at my heart strings or engage my libido. Also, Streaky II was thoroughly ignored by everybody even though he gave his normal life to save them all. Without Streaky II, Steel and the Kids couldn't have won!

Divergence: Bizarro
"Bizarro World loves Bizarro! In fact, they love him so much they devise a plan to trap him in an alternate universe just to get rid of him and his super destructive ways!"

I bet that alternate universe is The New 52 Universe! I also bet that this comic book will be confusing because Bizarro always says the opposite of what he means except for sometimes when he actually means what he means because the writer probably gets tired of the whole opposite schtick every now and then.

See? He's not Bizarro! And he wants them to keep fighting! So he deflates the ball to help out! Some of those things might not be true! Who can tell?!

Bizarro tells the readers his secret origin because it's the worst kept secret. It's basically told in the "How DC Comics Made This Comic Worse" blurb which I previously quoted. And now he's found himself on Earth! After seeing Superman, he finally knew who he was!

I am not ashamed to say I laughed at this! The dumber he is, the funnier I think I'll find him.

I'm pretty sure that his logo is painted out of ketchup and mustard he stole from Hot Dog On A Stick.

Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen enjoy watching Bizarro fly around the city causing mischief and mayhem. But then Jimmy mentions that some people think Bizarro is Superman's brother and Clark tells Jimmy that Bizarro has to go. He also puts the idea of a great road book coffee table into Jimmy's head which causes Jimmy to catch up with Bizarro and tell him all about the great land of Bizarro America: Canada. Bizarro, being an obvious genius, believes Jimmy and they load up Jimmy's Mustang and take off on the road! I hope they accidentally run over Green Arrow!

This looks silly in just the right way that I take my silly. So I'm looking forward to it. Bizarro is adorable!

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1

I have nothing worthwhile to say about Steel.

So. John Henry, steel driving man! I get it! Now that the whole joke is understood, what's left of this character? He's like a guy, right? And Superman is dead so this guy takes over or something. He's like, "Hey! Superman is dead! Job opening!" And the Super Hero Union is all, "Boo! Scab! Scab! Boo!" But Steel sticks to his hammer and he's all, "BANG! BANG! BANG!" At least while John Henry was out there protecting Metropolis, Lex Luthor had time to take a vacation. I bet with Superman dead, Luthor's blood pressure dropped like three sizes, or whatever blood pressure is measured in. Cubits?

Maybe this is just the comic book to make me fall in love with John Henry! At the very least, maybe it will provide some sweet old fashioned wank material.

I really don't know anything about Steel!

Well look at that! I nailed the most important aspect of the character! Scab!

Apparently the Dome understands the difference between Comic Book Gadgets and Closer To Real Life Gadgets. So Steel's costume still works because it's a bunch of riveted pieces of armor covering his body with jet propulsion boots. Although if he's got that organic metal, I'm going to stuff my fist straight up my ass so I can punch myself in the stomach without the muscles in the way. I don't know why I'm going to do that to myself. Self-hating hater, I guess. Anyway, so Steel's shit works but Roy Harper's cybernetic arm and Ray Palmer's Shrink-a-dink Belt ceased working because they're too comic booky, right? However it works, the day the Dome dropped over Metropolis was the day Steel became the happiest clam in shit full of methamphetamine! Unless the saying is happier than a pig wearing lipstick on a morphine drip?

By the way, the creator of Steel is writing this issue so it should be totally authentic and any arguments I might have against how well-written it is are instantly invalid. It's a good thing I already mentioned that I know nothing about the character! How embarrassing if I began telling the creator of Steel, Louise Simonson, how to write her boring character!

Judging by the decor, Steel lives in an old brewery with his niece, her cat Allie Cat who is going to become Streaky soon (I hope) because they're experimenting on the poor thing, a Professor Hamilton who was mentioned previously in the Pre-Flashpoint Universe in Superman (so that might be important! Maybe all of the Professor Hamiltons will work together to save all the cities! Or at least each of the cities that is home to a Professor Hamilton. Is there a Doc Hamilton in El Inferno?), and some kid playing a Gameboy or something. Judging by the cover, he'll be a Junior Steel along with Natasha (Ah! Satan!).

As Steel and the others are pretending that shooting a cat full of nano-particles scratched off of the inner Dome is legitimate science and not just cruelty, two people in green and yellow armor crash through the walls of the S.T.A.R. Brewery and fly out the other side as they battle.

"Holy shit! It didn't die from the bullshit I subected it to! I mean: Yes! I'm a genius! Inject some of that shit into yourselves, kids!"

Steel's fight against the Ex-Lex-Luthor Rangerbotmen begins to damage Bibbo's bar! Missiles are flying everywhere and horrible slurs are being shouted back and forth and giant hammers are smashing bad guys' lungs in! It's complete chaos! And with the odds stacked so hugely against Steel, there's no possible way he can win. Unless...unless...send in the cat!

Professor Hamilton suggests the kids put on their Junior Steel armor so they can go save Bibbo's bar. As if Bibbo needs any help! He's a rough, tough, cigar chomping, drunken, Sailor Jerry tattooed, entrepreneurial slob! And he's got a shotgun! And an attitude! Of course, he's no Sean Noonan!

Just when Natasha and Jemahl begin thinking they're the cocks of the woks, the dome drops and all the bad guys with super powers return! First up, that perennial Metropolitan baddie: Parasite! It's not as surprising as it would have been if I'd have purchased the Chip Kidd cover.

This feels like an all ages Adventures of Superman comic book! Which isn't a bad thing. That was just a neutral observation which I can sometimes make.

As Steel sends the kids to their rooms to play with the mutated cat and get wild ideas about becoming mutated children, Steel himself heads off to put down Parasite. But that's when he runs into Gen 13! I didn't recognize Fairchild because she appears in just a Boobs pose with no butt to be seen! And she's in a really modest onesie! I recognize Grunge because Fairchild uses his name and he got his ass kicked by Superboy in The New 52. But the other members of Gen 13 I know less of than I know of Steel. I think the one with the band-aid on her knee is Scrapper and the one with fringe on her boots is Trapper and the boy on fire is Crapper.

When a few of their real names are mentioned (Burnout and Freefall), it triggers the memory that they were mentioned in the final issue (or one of the final issues) of Superboy.

Steel's not so sure he should be fighting a bunch of kids no matter what a strange voice commanded. Plus they've got a bunch of crazy super powers and Steel hasn't even been injected with organic metal yet! He's going to need help which is why Natasha dives into the battle. But she forgets the cat. When the fuck is the new Streaky going to get a chance to prove herself?!

Natasha, being just an inexperienced kid, almost gets killed by Gen 13 who are fully experienced kids. Wink, wink! Steel dives into the way of their blasts and his armor is destroyed! Oh no! What is he going to do now?! It is the end for our scab hero!

But then Parasite arrives to drain Caitlin Fairchild's power! Whatever it is! Natasha grabs Steel and takes him back to the brewery to get help as Gen 13 battles Parasite. Luckily Natasha calls Steel "Uncle Steel" in public because Caitlin begins to realize that perhaps they shouldn't be fighting other people just because a loud, ominous voice tells you to. Natasha calling Steel "uncle" is a huge clue because bad guys don't have relatives! Who would make good guys fight other good guys?! The mystery thickens like gravy!

Streaky don't give a shit.

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1 Rating: I liked the tone of this comic book. I realize the book ended with Steel's back being broken but it still has a lighter, more carefree comic book tone that is often eschewed by comic book companies today unless it's an all ages comic book. A book like this with light continuity that affects the locale and the characters within that locale, sort of goofy dialogue, scientists injecting stray cats with syringes full of random shit, Bibbo...I could enjoy a comic book like this. Things don't have to be serious nor do they have to be realistic. When a book takes itself too seriously, unrealistic shit is annoying. But when a book is molded with this tone, I can more easily forgive smaller flaws that might usually make my head explode. This isn't going to be a major turning point in Steel's life long remembered by fans as a touchstone in the development in the medium of comic books. But it was stupid fun! I'll take stupid fun over a writer failing to be profound any day.