DC Comics Presents #53: Superman in the House of Mystery (January 1983)

Aside from Superman and Cain, this cover looks like something I once drew in 1st Grade that wound up in a local art exhibit at the Triton Museum.

I've discussed this fabled art gallery work of mine before but I don't think I've ever posted a picture of it. That's because it's huge and I can't scan it. I would take a photo of it and then post it but after sitting on top of my bookcase for years, I finally packed it away somewhere and I don't remember where. So you'll just have to take my word for it that it was as awesome as this cover.

The inker on this issue is Tony DeZuniga, co-creator of Jonah Hex. He's got a lot more to his bio that's possibly more important to other people but the only thing I care about is his help in creating the best character in the DC Universe after Etrigan and Lobo. Don't assume those will be my top three character picks any other time than the immediate present as I write this because I'm sure tomorrow I'll remember Ambush Bug and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5. But right at this moment, I can only remember Lobo, Etrigan, and Jonah Hex.

The story begins on Halloween night and, I'm assuming, ends in the arrest of Cain and his name added to a registry.

"*CH* This is dispatch. There's a man in a brown suit hiding in a tree at 54 Elm Street watching lone children as they trick or treat. Can we get ten squad cars out there? Over and out. *CH*"

I don't think I'd be as creeped out if Cain were just standing behind the tree. But the way he's forced himself into the crook of the branches to kneel in the tree so close to the ground that his head would be higher if he were merely standing by it makes me positive that he's up to no good. And by "up to no good", I mean "pedophilia". But then again, he's got the Mark of Cain so nobody can harm him. After living for thousands of years with no serious repercussions to any of your actions, you probably become a wicked, sordid little tree pervert. Thanks a lot, God! "What's a good punishment for the first murderer to deter others from murdering?" You asked Yourself. "Maybe cursing the murderer with the inability to be harmed by anybody while he wanders the world forever!" You answered Yourself. How do people justify believing in You?!

The kid without any friends whose parents don't give a shit about rings the doorbell of some old lady who thinks she's funny.

The emergency was Little Ricky just realized he could buy beer.

Dan Mishkin doesn't waste anybody's time trying to make the reader wonder what the fuck is going on. On the same page where Little Ricky's pubes grow out, the shadow of Mr. Mxyzptlk can be seen hovering over the yard. I wonder how the House of Mystery will help Superman get Mxy to say his name backwards?

At the same time, Lois Lane throws a "Come As Somebody Famous" costume party. Over half the guests, including Clark, decided "famous" meant "super hero." There's a Wonder Girl and a Supergirl and a Flash and a Wonder Woman and Clark came as Green Lantern. Jimmy Olsen has come as Thor but I don't think that counts in this situation. Steve Lombard, the sportscaster and Lois Lane pussy chaser, came as Hercules so he could bully everybody else at the party. Nobody came as the wife and children he murdered. Not Steve! Hercules!

Before Steve Lombard can completely humiliate Clark in front of Lois, Superman crashes through the window!

I opted for buying beer as Ricky's sudden emergency over banging Lois because that seemed weird. Dan Mishkin felt differently.

For once, Lois insists on Superman telling her why he needs to save her life instead of implicitly trusting him. Clark tries to figure out who this imposter is by using his x-ray vision. Writers really loved his x-ray vision in the '80s, didn't they? Probably in the '60s and '70s too! Before Superman can take Lois against her will, Mxyzptlk turns Jimmy Olsen into the actual Thor.

And so Jimmy lost all of his family money when Marvel sued the shit out of him.

Jimmy's change into Thor causes lunkhead Steve Lombard to suspect that the Superman who just flew Lois out the window isn't really Superman but a magical duplicate. He may be right but he's only right because only an idiot would make a leap in logic that terrible. Clark uses his heat vision to make his fake Green Lantern ring glow so that it looks like he's been turned into the actual Green Lantern as well. You'd think it would melt but then you're probably young and don't remember a time when toys were actually made out of diecast metal instead of cheap plastic. Steve suggests Clark use the ring to go after the obviously fake Superman and Clark's all, "Okay! I'll try! But I'll probably fuck it up because I'm such a timid, stupid klutz!" Then he flies out the window after Ricky and Lois.

How did Ricky even know where Lois Lane lived? How did he know, as Superman, he should go grab her? Does Lois get into so much trouble in Metropolis and need saving by Superman so often that even little Ricky knows they're probably fucking? I'm sure Myxzptlk put all of that information into Ricky's head just to cause chaos for Superman.

Ricky flies Lois to the House of Mystery where Cain sits around telling stories to all the children he captured while hiding in trees on various Halloweens. Mr. Mxyzptlk shows up as well to tell everybody that he's planning a big Halloween trick on Superman and he needs all of their help. All the kids eagerly go along because Superman is a total square. Cain and Lois have no ability to stop the imp before he turns all of the kids into realistic versions of their Halloween costumes: ghosts, vampires, werewolves, witches, and, being the '80s, probably a few tramps, gypsies, and cheerleaders.

Superman uses his super-smelling power to trace Lois to the House of Mystery.

Lois thought Ricky was the actual Superman which is why she flooded her undergarments with her distinctive love lube.

The House speaks to Superman as he arrives, telling him that Lois is indeed inside and that if he doesn't find her in one hour, she'll be trapped in the House forever! Superman, having never heard of the House of Mystery, figures finding her will be a piece of cake. One hour to search every room in one house? He could do that in 30 seconds! But he begins to suspect it might not be so easy when his x-ray vision doesn't work and when a tentacled monster tries to eat him in the first room he searches. I would have said it tries to fuck him but I'm trying to write a little classier after I had to type "Lois's love lube."

While searching the house, Superman kills a kid by carelessly using his super powers.

To hide his crime, Supes carries the kid into the previous room and feeds it to the tentacle monster.

Superman goes through a few more trials before he utterly fails to find Lois. That's when Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals himself and Superman is all, "Oh man! You sure got me good! What a great prank, Mxy!" And Cain is all, "But dude! He just killed your girlfriend!" And Supes is all, "No he didn't. He doesn't kill. He just loves to be a gigantic pain in my ass." Which is when Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals to everybody how to send him back to the 5th Dimension by pointing out that Superman won't get him to say his name backwards so he's stuck with him forever this time. But Little Ricky comes up with a plan! Superman helped him get laid for the first time this Halloween night so he wants to repay him. Cain's been getting Mxy's name wrong all night and every time, Mxy says, "My name isn't X, it's Mxyzptlk!" So Billy is all, "Hey, Cain! Call him by his name backwards and he'll wind up saying it!" And Cain somehow knows how to say "Mxyzptlk" backwards off the cuff which is more impressive than anything Superman did this entire comic!

Lois is only just realizing she fucked a little kid.

DC Comics Presents #53: Superman in the House of Mystery Rating: B. A decent Mxyzptlk comic with a nice, though short, visit to the House of Mystery. I don't know why so many kids in Halloween costumes have become trapped in the House of Mystery unless Cain really is hiding up trees and ambushing lone trick or treaters just to have people to tell stories to. I didn't mention the Atari Force insert because "ATARI" in the comic book means "Atari Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means "Atari Technology And Research Institute Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means "Atari Technology and Research Institute Technology And Research Institute Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means you get the point. Plus the comics were packaged with Atari 2600 game cartridges. I don't think I ever owned any because most of my Atari cartridges were just the chips which I had to stick into a green chip holder which you plugged into the machine because my mother liberated them from her job at Signetics. I don't think she stole them; I think they just sometimes got stuck to her clothing and she accidentally brought them home.

By the way, if anybody bought a sandalwood box full of 2600 chips at a garage sale in Santa Clara, I want my fucking Atari games back. My mom had no right to sell them to you!

DC Comics Presents #58: Superman and Robin the Teen Wonder and the Elongated Man (June 1983)

I've never seen the phrase "triple-threat" used so incorrectly.

Gil Kane drew the cover of this issue just in case you were wondering, like me, "Who decided to draw Ralph Dibny like a fancy boy desperate to play with the older, more rough and tumble boys?" If you were thinking that like I was, were you also thinking this (like I was!): "I wonder where on Ralph's spiraling torso his balls are?"

What I'm trying to ask is, "Are you like me? Or am I desperately alone in this cold and uncaring universe?" I used to think the universe was described as cold and uncaring because rocks and space and the majority of things in the universe are cold and uncaring. Stars, if I'm doing the pretend math in my head correctly (it's pretend because making up numbers by pure guessing isn't actually math), make up just 0.000000000000000003% of the universe. So it's cold! And it's uncaring only because we, as sentient beings, love to project our own sentience onto every other thing in the universe, like stars and Ralph Dibny's balls. And right up until the last decade or so, I would have characterized the universe differently because we live among other sentient creatures who are often warm and caring. But then I learned most of them are not those things at all and they're more like asteroids and infinite expanses of cold vacuum and the majority of planets. They're also like the end of most living creatures where the defecation happens. Why do you think so many people are so cold and uncaring? It's probably because they've never read a book or enjoyed poetry or experienced and connected with another sentient beings most intimate artistic creation. They're just superficial dickfucks who have only ever pursued sex, money, and power. Man, those people suck so much I can't even think of an artistic way to express how much I think they suck. All I can do is envision a dirty, hairy ape squatting over a Van Gogh and spraying a terribly soft shit across it. That's what I see when I see those kinds of people. Sadly, those kinds of people now make up 99.999999999999999997% of all sentient beings in the universe.

Hopefully this comic book will make me feel better about the living wet shits populating the world around me because it's about Superman, Robin, and Elongated Man! They're like three of the most upbeat personalities in the DC Universe! If they can't make me see the wonder and joy of existence, my next comic book might as well be a loaded gun!

I don't know what their original crime was but they just asked a teenaged boy to touch them.

It's good to see Batman has taught Robin to kick his adversaries directly in the dick. Superman, on the other hand, goes straight for the heart. Probably to make their heart go into arrhythmia so the criminal panics and thinks they're having a heart attack as opposed to actually stopping their heart and killing them. Do you think Superman uses his x-ray vision to make sure a normal human being doesn't have any heart problems before he punches them in the heart unlike Batman who just shrugs and thinks, "If they didn't want to get punched into a heart attack, they shouldn't have decided to be poor and desperate and turn to crime. I didn't kill them; poor health and life decisions killed them."

Dibny just punches the guy in the heart because he's copying Superman. Sue loves when Ralph pretends to be Superman in the bedroom so he's learning as much as he can on this adventure. Mostly Sue loves Ralph pretending to be Superman because Superman doesn't have stretching powers and it forces Ralph to not do weird shit during sex, like putting his nose up her asshole while they kiss.

The issue begins with a dad abusing his son.

I'll only forgive this father if he thinks he's taking his kid to see a sex show and/or elephants shitting.

Turns out I can't forgive the father because he believes a "real show" is comprised of clowns, lions, and monkeys. I suppose that line-up doesn't rule out a terrific show but I highly doubt this circus feeds clowns to the lions while the monkeys throw shit at the audience. If that was the show the dad was talking about, he and his son are about to be sorely disappointed as it turns out the Elongated Man and Robin have taken over the circus for a charity event. It's either for Retired Circus Performers or Circus Kids with PTSD from Seeing Their Parents Murdered During a Performance.

The performance is disturbing enough that I'm not willing to scan any of the panels lest I be accused of running an erotic site for NAMBLA members. Just know that Robin swings from and bounces all over Ralph's body while Ralph grins disturbingly.

"Why can't my boy share my enthusiasm for my erotic club that somehow isn't explicitly illegal?"

For some reason, Clark Kent covers the circus's charity event as the anchorman for WGBS news. Maybe he suspects Lex Luthor's behind the event trying to fund some anti-Superman waste of everybody's time. I often comment how Batman could use therapy but never mention Lex's dire need for it. That's probably because he's an evil super villain and everybody simply assumes that all evil super villains could use therapy. But specifically Lex since he bases all of his schemes over destroying a made-up rival. I say "made-up" because you know Clark Kent doesn't spend any actual time thinking about Lex personally. And I don't mean that in a Don Draper in an elevator saying, "I don't think about you at all," kind of way because it's obvious all Don Draper does is think about his young up and coming competition. Clark would forget about Lex in a matter of minutes if Lex just stopped being a kryptonite pain in his ass.

What I can only assume are three men dressed as NAMBLA mascots interrupt Clark Kent's news report.

These are the guys who plead for Robin to touch them so I'm simply assuming they're with NAMBLA.

For the younger generations, "chump" was basically the "cunt" of the '50s. I know this comic book is from 1983 but it was written by a man born in 1952 and I'm assuming Mike W. Barr, being a comic book writer, suffers from some form of arrested development so he probably, at 30, still thought of "chump" as pretty rebellious.

Instead of punching Clark's stupid lights out, the NAMBLA mascots run right through him (because they're intangible). It's 1983 so that's probably not a crime although I'd say it's not just physical assault but sexual assault as well. If anybody ever actually gains the power to phase right through shit, I am stating right here and now that they do not have my consent to enter and pass through my body, no matter how much time it saves them getting to Point B.

There's an advert for Dungeons & Dragons in this comic book because they knew Satanists were really into comic books.

Look at this table full of nerds! I mean budding Satanists!

If I were a weird online incel weirdo, I'd probably scream about how woke this scene depicting kids playing role playing games was. But I'm actually an old person who was playing table top role playing games at the time this advert came out and our table was almost always 50% girls and 50% boys. Weird, hunh? Although by high school, our gaming group was exclusively boys but that's because women mature faster and the girls who used to play with us were out getting laid and going to parties while we were role playing doing those things with other guys.

Clark, being super smart, certainly realizes he should just step on this guy's feet to immobilize him since his feet must be tangible to be able to produce friction with the ground to propel himself forward!

Maybe Clark's even smarter than that and has decided, if this guy's intangible, how much chaos can he cause? Just let him run around not being able to touch anything until his little criminal mind gets tired and bored. What a stupid super power. Unless you're main goal is to completely aggravate your sibling on a road trip, not being able to touch somebody doesn't seem like it'll allow you to accomplish much.

The Intangibles rush through the side of the tent and begin scaring the horses pulling the cages containing the wild animals. A tiger gets loose and an elephant stampedes. So I guess they can cause chaos but to what end? To steal the proceeds from the charity event, one of them will have to become tangible long enough for Robin to get his head in a scissor lock with his crotch mashed against the guy's face. Then the father of the son who hates him will stand up and applaud and everybody around him will be all, "Why's he got that huge wet spot on the inseam of his pants?"

Robin takes out the tiger with sleeping gas while Ralph attempts to stop the elephant. But Superman gets there first.

I probably would have stopped it in one of the many other ways that wasn't "grab it by its dick."

Elongated Man doesn't seem too upset that Superman jerked off an elephant to save the day while Ralph humiliated himself by rubber banding his body around a bunch of posts for no reason.

The elephant wasn't upset either.

Superman's next move is to use his x-ray vision on the Intangibles which feels redundant and unscientific even if it isn't. Can x-ray vision help him see fog better? Not see in and through the fog better! But to help him see the fog better. How would his x-ray vision help when looking into an insubstantial person? I need these questions answered before I can continue to enjoy this comic book! It was fine when Superman pulled the elephant's penis and then the elephant grinned from flappy ear to flappy ear. That's understandable! But what use is using x-ray vision on an intangible person?!

But what did you expect it to reveal?! I'm beginning to see why Lex Luthor hates this stupid fucking jackass.

Superman does try to destroy the Intangible Man's foot with his heat vision which, as I pointed out earlier, was a good idea. But even that doesn't do anything. That must mean these Intangible men are simply projections of light with some super ventriloquism added! It's all a big illusion. Ralph Dibny wiggles his nose at them so he's probably beginning to suspect the truth. Robin hasn't been seen since he put the tigers to sleep and Superman beat off the elephant. I'm not suggesting Robin's doing anything untoward but if he reappears with tiger semen stains on his outfit, I won't be surprised.

Meanwhile, a tangible man in an intangible man's outfit fiddles with some doohickeys in a van nearby, recording all of Superman's attempts to use his super visions: x-ray, microscopic, telescopic, and heat. I guess it's common knowledge that he has those abilities because the guy's van's computer seems set up simply to tick off every time Superman uses one. Eventually Superman decides that throwing his "indestructible cape" over the intangible person should do the trick because he's the dumbest fucking asshole I've ever seen. God, no wonder Lex Luthor hates him. It's like when I see high school friends posting on Facebook and it makes me want to destroy them completely! Not just because they post the dumbest alt-reality shit but because they're so confident in their idiocy! No wonder these dumb jerks call so many people elitist. I guess if I were a stupid fuck who believed all the dumb shit in the world and somebody was all, "You're dumb," I'd think they were being elitist too! Nobody wants to do any rigorous self-examination just to come up with the realization that they're as stupid as everybody says they are.

A guy I knew back in the old neighborhood growing up posted recently, "But us conspiracy 'theorists' are nuts...crazy...out of our minds, right?!?!" He then followed his statement up with the craziest fucking video as evidence that his beliefs weren't crazy. I saw that post and instantly shaved my head and began wearing only purple and green outfits.

Seeing Superman fail with his cape, Robin decides maybe he'll have better luck than Superman at catching an uncatchable person.

Batman's not even here. Just call it a fucking rope, you kiss ass.

What do you think turns an ordinary rope into a Batrope? It must be made of bats, right?

After the Intangibles disappear, Superman, Robin, and Ralph try to figure out what just happened. Superman somehow gleans that they got him to use all of his vision powers but can't figure out how that could be meaningful. I figure it's so meaningless that if I were Superman the thought never even would have occurred to me! But he's hanging out with some great detectives so he's really trying to pull his weight here. Ralph realizes that the Intangibles didn't sink into the ground which doesn't make any sense because if they were intangible and didn't have any mass, why would they sink? Maybe he's just dumbing down the whole science of friction for Superman. It's easier to be all "How did their feet touch the ground if they weren't corporeal?" than to be all "How could they propel themselves forward if they had no surface area to push against the surface area of the ground?" See? Even I'm dumbing it down for Superman although mostly because I don't know how to realistically explain the science of movement and mass and insubstantiality! I think it has something to do with one of Newton's half-dozen laws.

Being that Superman and his detective friends won't be figuring out what happened any time soon, the comic book shifts to the perspective of the Intangible Men who explain everything as concisely as possible.

I don't understand the power of harnessing visual powers to somehow make his intangibility real but I do understand workers being taken advantage of by corporations! Go Frank!

Superman still has one vision power that the intangibles didn't get their grubby Hollywood mitts on: super-vision! I guess that vision allows him to see radiation and, luckily for Supers (unluckily for everybody at the circus that day), the Intangible projections left behind a whole mess of radiation! Does that explain how the projections could project through the walls of the circus tent? Or did the Intangibles set up projectors all over the circus in preparation for the event? That would be my guess because then Ralph and Dick's eventual realization that some Hollywood types were behind the chaos would make sense because they could have conducted interviews with the performers about any strange people they saw before the show which would have led them to discovering holographic projectors set up everywhere which would have led them to tracing the serial numbers on the projectors which would have given them the credit cards used to buy the equipment which would have led them to the business that purchased the equipment which would have led them to Frank's hideout in Hollywood. Instead, they figured it out like this:

Only a truly stupid deduction like this and the assumption that they must go to California to investigate could make me ignore filling this caption with sexual comments about the way Ralph's riding Robin and Superman.

Meanwhile in California which is where anybody who can do special effects lives, the Intangible Man decides to steal the third movie in a popular movie franchise. Usually that wouldn't be enough of a reason to whip out your cop gun and shoot the guy stealing the film but the director just told everybody, loudly and clearly, that he was carrying the only print of the film! Also I was just joking about that thing where a cop wouldn't shoot somebody for stealing a film. Fucking cops only know how to shoot shit. They can't actually solve crimes so they try to stop crime by showing repeatedly that they'll shoot anybody they want to. That's somehow supposed to make people feel safer. Usually it only makes racists feel safer because they assume cops won't shoot white people for no reason. But they're wrong. Cops will shoot anybody for no reason! They just can't get enough of it!

Now the Intangible Man will be charged with the murder of the two people the cop shot because District Attorneys are as corrupt as cops. They have to be or the cops won't testify for them!

See that? Somehow the harnessed powers of x-ray vision, telescopic vision, microscopic vision, and heat vision have come together to allow a man to be partly intangible and partly tangible at the same time! This comic book came out in 1984. Why haven't the kids who read this then and grew up to be scientists because of it invented this technology? I bet they have but the government covered it up. Or the tech industry disrupted it when some loser with no ideas but could charm the money out of rich idiots was all, "Forget intangibility. Don't you think people would rather be completely tangible for only a small monthly subscription fee?!"

The Intangibles somehow decide they're now worth 25 million dollars after stealing a film they can't release or sell because everybody knows it's been stolen and the slippers Judy Garland wore in The Wizard of Oz (which, you know, also can't be sold since they were so publicly stolen by these idiots). But their goal doesn't seem to be making money; it just seems to be in possessing items worth the most money ever stolen by any gang ever. Apparently they're just playing Grand Theft Auto but in real life (real life in this comic book, I mean).

How does that help, Robin? Do you understand time zones at all?!

I'm glad to see Robin kneeling on Superman's back instead of straddling it. When I say that, I'm speaking of my brain. My penis isn't glad to see it at all. Also I'm assuming Robin is the 19 year old teen wonder because I wouldn't want it to be weird. Although it's already weird (and completely fantastical) that I'd be interested in a twink like Robin. Have you not read all of my Justice League America reviews? I'm obviously into Ice Maiden and her constant under boob shots.

Superman scans all the Hollywood studios with his super-vision looking for the radiation signature left behind at the circus until he finds it all over a small studio in the Hollywood hills.

Ew. There's only one thing I can think of that Robin's using as a seat belt.

Superman breaks through the wall of the studio with his invulnerable body and Robin's face. Surprised, Frank pulls a gun plugged into a computer on Superman. Superman's all, "Ha ha! Give it your best shot!" And Frank is all, "Pyu! Pyu!" And Superman is all, "Oh fuck! I've made a huge mistake!" Frank thought the gun would make Superman intangible but instead it just fucked up his eyesight a little bit. Superman acted like it was the end of the world but I guess when you're used to 20/20 vision, suddenly seeing everything distorted can be a really slight irritation. At the very least, it causes enough of a distraction for Frank to get away.

Except Frank doesn't try to get away. He just watches Superman stumble around while thinking, "Well! That takes care of that!" Ralph and Robin also don't try to subdue the guy with the gun. Instead they follow Superman as he stumbles around the room. Is nobody going to take any of this seriously?

Um. What's with the glove? What does he plan on doing to these two?

Superman flies up into the atmosphere while Robin tries to kick a known intangible person in the dick. Seriously. That's twice in one comic book where Robin immediately begins the fight by going for some guy's junk. Superman doesn't have a clear idea how he's going to fix his vision. Maybe getting close to the sun and super healing? Anyway, before he can deal with his eyesight, he happens upon a plane that's going to crash due to damage to one of its wings. But Superman, having learned a few things about erotic massage from dating Lana, quickly fixes the plane without any need from his fucked up eyes.

Oh yeah. That's the stuff!

Superman flies up near the sun to stare into it and cure his fucked up eyes. Don't ask me how long it takes for Superman to get to the sun and back for two main reasons: this is a comic book and I'm an idiot. The only numbers I can come up with are "at least 16 minutes" and "probably four months." Neither of those numbers seem great for Robin and Ralph's survival against the show-biz folks. I guess they're dead, especially since there's only like two pages left in this story. I imagine one page shows Ralph and Robin being murdered and the final page shows Superman crying over their beaten and bloodied bodies.

Robin stole that breeze line from Superman!

In case you thought I was exaggerating about Superman staring directly into the sun from a few feet away, that caption should convince you to trust everything I say in these blogs. Like how Superman pulled an elephant's dick until it came and Robin wrapped Ralph's dick around himself for safety reasons.

Superman shows up just in time to take the credit for catching these guys even though Robin and Ralph have it all sorted. Then Robin makes a bad pun and Superman says, "How does Batman stand you?" And then Superman and Ralph laugh while Robin cries.

DC Comics Presents #58: Superman and Robin the Teen Wonder and the Elongated Man Rating: C. It was pretty fucking stupid. But it was entertainingly stupid which, really, is all I ask for from a comic book. Unless it's written by a British writer from the 1980s and then I expect my mind to be blown. The best part about this issue was the next issue blurb!

Ambush Bug! I have that issue somewhere!

Justice League Europe Annual #2 (1991)

Is this an early version of Morrison's Seven Soldiers of Victory? (Obviously the three Legionnaires count as one soldier.)

Oh, this could also be an early version of Demon Knights! With the proper writer (and Moritat as artist again? Yeah?), that could be a fantastic book, although I wouldn't mind General Glory being replaced by somebody, maybe John Constantine, or if they need to be more of a one-to-one replacement for a Lawful Good goody-two-shoes, maybe Stargirl? And obviously Elongated Man needs to be replaced by Detective Chimp. I wrote "obviously" but if there's a much stronger word that means the same thing, you can replace "obviously" with that. Maybe that word is saying, "Obviously! Duh! What are you? A moron?!" Some of you might be thinking, "What about that '50s era Dick Van Dyke lookin' cowboy?" And I'd have to say, "Oh, we keep Bat Lash! If for nothing else then I've read his Who's Who entry about six hundred times (which, coincidentally, is also why we're keeping Anthro!)" Other than this annual and the "B" issue of Who's Who, I'm not sure I've ever read a Bat Lash comic book. Unless he had a Secret Origins issue.

This issue begins with Justice League Europe and Justice League America all crammed into the little room where Justice League America were all touched by Waverider in their annual. But Waverider is off fucking around somewhere else. Which is super convenient for anybody who has been paying attention to Armageddon 2001 because Captain Atom is at this meeting. But before Justice League Europe head back to the London Embassy where Superman brings Waverider to touch everybody, Captain Atom fucks off. Yeah! Imagine that! The guy who turns out not to be Monarch just happens to avoid getting his future read by Waverider! What I mean to say is the guy who was supposed to be Monarch but winds up not being Monarch due to non-story-related issues but who probably would have been found out to be Monarch at the beginning of this annual if Waverider had only managed to infiltrate this room while both teams were there (assuming the editors hadn't already changed their mind about Captain Atom being Monarch at this point, is what I mean).

You know what? I'm just confusing everybody who was too young to read this "Summer Event" off the shelves. But all y'all who were there, you know what I'm talking about! We all fucking knew Monarch was Captain Atom! You couldn't fool us, DC! At least not until you fooled us by saying, "Surprise! Hawk is Monarch! I bet none of you idiots guessed that because none of the clues pointed to Hawk because it wasn't supposed to be him! Ha ha! Got you, you fucking tools! Thanks for blowing all your summer job money on this garbage! Choads!"

I'm finally in the right mood to read this comic book and that mood is "apoplectic at DC." How dare I imagine them talking to me that way?!

Waverider has learned a little thing called "consent" since the Justice League America annual.

Some of the heroes are a bit concerned about learning their futures. For good reasons because the two characters the creative team choose to show their concern are Crimson Fox and Blue Jay. Giffen and Jones probably chose them because they realized they were the two characters with the least chance at any future success in the DC Universe.

I don't know what eventually happens to Crimson Fox but Blue Jay, you're killed by that jerk standing behind Crimson Fox in twenty-five years or so.

Look at Wally's smirk in that caption. It's like he remembers killing Blue Jay at the Recovery Center For Sad Heroes in a few decades from now. And knowing how mixed up The Flash is in time travel nonsense, he probably does remember it!

The first person Waverider touches is Catherine Cobert even though she's not a hero. My guess at Catherine's future is that she fucked Captain Atom a ton and eventually developed super powers from all the radioactive cream pies she received.

Catherine's life hasn't changed much in ten years which is probably the most realistic story DC has ever done. She's still at the same job, still moaning about taking care of a bunch of arrestedly developed heroes, and wishing her sex life were better. One of DC's clues as to who Monarch was should have been Catherine thinking about how much she wanted to fuck him.

Speaking of Monarch, he wasn't a factor in any of the Justice League America futures. Shouldn't the heroes who didn't turn out to be Monarch at least be complaining about the new fascist hero making authoritarian waves? But not one word! Does he come out of absolutely nowhere in 2001? If I'd recently read Armageddon 2001, I'd probably know the answer to that.

Silver Sorceress is in Waverider's vision so he's apparently not very good at predicting the future.

Kara's cat is still alive in 2001 so that's some good news. Although Silver Sorceress is as well so I shouldn't get too excited about seeing the cat alive. Waverider's vision ends when Catherine witnesses the Justice League London Embassy disappear in a puff of smoke. He cuts contact from Catherine while acting really concerned about what he saw but then offers her no explanation about his reaction. So now she has to assume she's dying of Captain Atom Cream Pie Cancer in ten years.

Next up is Rocket Red. Waverider's vision of Rocket Red begins as Rocket Red suddenly appears in Camelot. Which isn't ten years ago but I suppose Waverider's power, attuned to the person he touches, simply displays where they're at ten years from now. And so what if that happens to be a fictionalized version of Great Britain thousands of years ago? I say "fictionalized" but this entire DC Universe is "fictionalized" and Camelot actually exists within it. King Arthur mistakes Rocket Red for the greatest knight he has ever seen. Merlin is super jealous although I think, judging by the tent in Arthur's royal robes, Gwenhwyfar should be the jealous one.

I used one of the Welsh spellings for the Queen and since I had to look up how to spell any version of her name anyway, I chose the one I liked best. Also King Arthur wasn't depicted with a boner. If he was, I'd have scanned in the panel for proof. Although if I weren't reading an annual which is already going to take me longer than it's worth, I'd have Photoshopped a boner onto King Arthur to prove he had one anyway. I'm not saying you can't trust anything I say but, well, just don't. I'm a fucking liar. So I guess I am saying that. You can't trust anything I say.

You might wonder why I would lie for no reason about a thirty year old comic book I'm reading. But I'll tell you exactly why: because I often admit really embarrassing stuff about myself on this blog and if I cultivate a facetious, whimsical, and exaggerative personality, you won't know when I'm actually admitting to something true!

Is this an example of what the kids mean when they call me "salty"?

Not only do the tumblr kids call me salty, they also say I'm a pathetic edgelord! But I'll show them that I'm not an edgelord! I won't make a single dead baby joke in this entire review!

Dmitri has loads of Round Table adventures until Merlin, consumed with CAYKE, summoned Etrigan to have him killed.

No wait. CAYKE doesn't make any sense. Does that say ENVYE?

One less Rocket Red in the DC Universe won't bother anybody except the super nerds who somehow name Dmitri as their favorite character. Although if they're that super at being nerds, their favorite character is probably Rocket Red #7, the one that winds up being a Manhunter.

Power Girl is next. By now, the reader has probably realized that when the Embassy disappeared, Justice League Europe was scattered throughout time. Power Girl winds up in London during the blitz. Judging by the missiles crashing down around her, Slothrop fucked somebody right where Kara appears.

Power Girl runs into General Glory and his sidekick, Eddie. A building falls on Eddie, killing him, probably because he kept having impure thoughts about Power Girl's powers. For some reason, Power Girl winds up becoming General Glory's new sidekick, with the Guy Gardner haircut and everything. At this point, I'm seriously doubting Waverider's ability to see into the future. Pretty sure when he touches somebody, a random piece of fan-fiction about that character loads into his brain, deluding him into believing he's seeing the future. No wonder this idiot figures out Hank is Monarch when it's obvious Captain Atom was!

Metamorpho winds up in the future getting a drink with Jonah Hex. Remember when Jonah Hex wound up in the future post-Crisis-on-Infinite-Earths in a comic book called Hex? Now why didn't I read that series? I guess I didn't know how much I loved Jonah Hex in 1985.

Next, Waverider touches Silver Sorceress resulting in three blank pages. Because she's dead in 2001. Hell, she's dead in 1991. She just doesn't know it yet!

Remember how I lie all the time? Apparently Giffen and Jones didn't know Silver Sorceress would be dead well before 2001 also. She actually winds up back in prehistoric times being hit on by a cave woman.

"Nima alunda Sorceress. Zug zug?"

Crimson Fox goes next and winds up in the American Frontier with Bat Lash. I sense some hot sex coming up. Pages and pages of it. So many dirty, filthy pages. Except Waverider doesn't tune in to my Crimson Fox/Bat Lash fan-fiction and instead they just run around getting shot at. Boring.

Blue Jay is up next but we all know his future so let's skip ahead a few pages.

Ralph Dibny winds up in Victorian London, teleporting right on top of Moriarty and pissing Sherlock Holmes right off. So much so that he doubles down on his heroin use. But the rest of the social elite love the way his neck grows. Finally, an audience that isn't sick to death of looking at his grotesque displays of elongation.

Just as Waverider is wrapping up his terribly thought out investigation, Captain Atom wanders in. Oh boy! Time for Waverider to discover the identity of Monarch! But before he can touch Captain Atom, the cat rubs up on Waverider's ankles and he sees the cat's future. Kara's cat's future explains why everybody wound up in various places throughout time. Waverider also realizes that Elongated Man, with the help of H.G. Wells' time machine, is able to hunt them all down and return them to 2001. So Waverider, realizing the whole adventure amounts to absolutely nothing, scares Mr. Big into shutting down his spy electronics in the cat's eye which will prevent any of this time travel nonsense from ever happening. After all that's figured out, Waverider touches Captain Atom and the story ends to be concluded in Armageddon 2001 #2! Because he's going to find out that Captain Atom is Monarch! Or that Captain Atom is the only person who can stop Monarch or who knows who Monarch is or whatever. Imagine how much of Armageddon 2001 #2 the writers and artists had to change after editorial began running around DC's offices screaming, "Everybody knows! We need to surprise them! Make up something else that doesn't make any sense! Step on it, you assholes!"

Justice League Europe Annual #2 Rating: No rating. I don't rate annuals. I don't even talk intelligently about comic books! I readily admit these aren't actually "reviews"! They're just read-alongs where I make snotty comments about terrible art and awful writing! And I rarely praise any of the creators who deserve to be praised because I'm a stingy, self-hating, low self-esteem piece of shit who offers nothing valuable to society at all. Are you happy now, Cullen Bunn?! You were right! I fucking suck!

That was more lying! If anything, I love myself too much, probably!

New Titans Annual #8 (1992)

In this issue, the Titans prove they’re not a threat to the people of New York when they’re targeted by Eclipso and cause a lot of destruction battling him to save their own lives. Hmm, I might have meant the opposite of not a threat.

On the other hand, Councilwoman Alderman decides the best way to stop the destruction of New York by people attacking the Titans on a near constant basis is to attack the Titans and cause a bunch of destruction of New York. Alderman for mayor!

Nightwing is only as smart as the writer writing him. Unfortunately in this scene, that writer is Marv Wolfman.

The New Titans #86 (May 1992)

Nobody fights anybody for leadership! They only fight because they’re sad that Joseph is dead! You know how those wakes can get out of hand when one guy is all “He was my best friend!” and then some other guy is all “What?! He said he was my best friend!” Then they put down their scotches and cigars and begin punching each other in the face while some woman leans over to some other guy and says, “Who uses the term ‘best friend’ out of junior high?” Then those two go in a closet and fuck.

Some other stuff happened during this story but it’s too boring to go into. Oh, all right! I’ll tell you: I drooled a little bit on my pillow and might have snored.

The New Titans #81 (December 1991)

This issue exists for no reason. None. Nothing happens. Well, mostly nothing happens. Terry Long cries like a fucking pusshole for most of it. What an asshole.

The New Titans #79 (September 1991)

New editor Jonathan Peterson came on board The New Titans around the seventieth issue and was all, “Hey guys! I have this great new direction we can take the Titans!” As he said this, he kicked his copy of X-men with Cable on the cover under the couch. “Get this: time traveling Teen Titans from the future! It’s going to . . . ooooggglllerrrruuuggh.” That’s the sound of somebody coming in their pants. You might not be familiar with it because the sound effect isn’t used often in comic books. “Oh!” he exclaimed while squirming uncomfortably in his now sticky pants, “And the team leader’s name will be Jon! Get it! Like me! Plus we’ll bring back Phoenix from the dead!” After a long argument in which Jonathan kept insisting that he did not say “Phoenix”, everybody realized he meant Terra.

This makes about nine or ten issues without the Teen Titans in it. Okay, Nightwing has been in it a little bit. And Donna Troy just returned to be kidnapped by an unknown person immediately. And Cyborg is back but he’s lost all trace of his humanity and is just a remote controlled robot. It’s all fairly typical of the Slash and Burn tactics of a new editor brought in to revitalize sales.

The Officious Little Toad isn’t wrong.

But the thing is . . . I want him to be wrong. I want Officer Hall to be correct in his assessment that the Titans are heroes and they’re good for the city. It’s just that . . . they’re not. Marv Wolfman fucked up by writing story after story of the Titans being attacked by angry family members or butthurt villains during which large parts of New York were destroyed. I wouldn’t even blame the occasional attack on Titans Tower by a disgruntled second cousin of a member if the Titans occasionally helped the city. But they haven’t. They may have stopped one or two muggers and perhaps a bank robbery. That’s it.

According to Rebirth, Geoff Johns has decided that Watchmen’s grimness ruined the DC Universe because it was a critical success. That’s not Watchmen’s fault. Watchmen was a critical success because it was so fucking well written. Is Alan Moore to blame for DC Comics getting the wrong message and deciding that grimdark was where it was at, no matter how shitty the writing? Was Frank Miller’s Dark Knight to blame for DC deciding to make Batman dour and mostly unlikeable on a personal level? I don’t think so. I think this kind of shit by Marv Wolfman and others is what fucked DC Comics.

I wouldn’t mind a story about a vindictive Councilwoman trying to get the Titans out of the city if the previous stories were about the Titans being heroes. Then I could root for the Titans and high five myself as the Councilwoman got her comeuppance. But I have to agree with the Officious Little Toad and Councilwoman Alderman. The Titans are bad for New York City. If Marv Wolfman wanted to bring real life consequences into the DC Universe of heroes, at least do it in a way where the heroes aren’t so obviously dangerous and destructive. At least when Adrian Veidt destroyed New York City, he was doing it to save the world. The Titans just destroy it every time they have a spat with a relative.

I think this is the first appearance of the Trinity of Sin in a stained glass window in a church in Hollywood!


Captain Hall, proving that he's not smarter than the Officious Little Toad, makes the worst analogy ever.

If I started to tabulate the amount of times Councilwoman Alderman acted heroically to save the city from the Titans, I'm pretty sure she'd rack up a higher Hero Score than the Titans in just a few issues.

The New Titans Annual #6 (1990)

Fifty-four pages to kill Starfire’s Tamaranean husband so that Dick can stop feeling so Goddamned sorry for himself! Getting through those 54 pages wasn’t worth it. Not even for the art. What the fuck were you on when you did your chapter of this, Curt Swan?! I want the time it took to read this back! No, wait. If I’m going to get time back for things I did, I’d rather have the time I spent pining over an unobtainable romantic interest throughout high school!

The New Teen Titans #43 (May 1988)

Raven faces off against Phobia this issue and I’m left with squidgy feelings in my lower abdomen due to Phobia’s costume. Why is it an arrow pointing to her vagina?! Is it because most comic book nerds suffer from Vadgophobia?

Raven successfully helps Phobia deal with her Daddy Issues to save the day. That means at least one of DC’s countless characters doesn’t suffer from Daddy Issues anymore. Bravo!

Thanks for trying, Monsieur Mallah, but I don’t think that’s actually helping.

Number of Issues In Which The Teen Titans and/or Raven Acts Heroic: 6 out of 43!

Lex Luthor! (as seen in Superman and crap)

PERSONAL DATA
Real Name: Lex Luthor
Occupation: Criminal Scientist, former Ruler of the Planet Lexor [I'm not even going to ask.]
Marital Status: Widowed
Known Relatives: Parents (first names unknown, both deceased) [That was surprising information. Lex had parents? NO!], Lena Thorul Colby (sister), Val Colby (nephew), Ardora (wife, deceased), Lex Luthor, Jr. (son, deceased)
Group Affiliation: Worked with various criminal groups on a temporary basis
Base of Operations: Various lairs, changing from time to time
First Appearance: ADVENTURE COMICS #271
Height: 5'11" Weight: 185 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Originally brown, now bald

HISTORY
The first time young Lex Luthor met Superboy (see Superman II), he saved the Teen of Steel's life by getting rid of a piece of Kryptonite (see Kryptonite) which was killing Superboy.

Luthor was then a teenager himself, and he admired the hero of Smallville. So when his family moved there, the two became fast friends. Superboy even built a laboratory for Lex, who set out to find a cure for Kryptonite.

He had already done what no youth could have been expected to achieve--he had created life in his lab [Big deal. Adults do that in their bedrooms and in the back seats of cars and in movie theater restroom stalls all the time.]! This protoplasm he made was to be the source for the antidote. But in his excitment, Luthor knocked over some chemicals, causing a lab fire.

Superboy blew out the fire, but his super-breath accidentally destroyed the protoplasm and the resultant fumes made Lex's hair fall out [Well naturally, now Superboy must die.]. Luthor blamed Superboy, claiming the Teen of Steel had done it because he envied Lex's genius. Superboy never got the antidote.

Young Luthor tried other inventions to make himself a great scientist, but when they failed, Luthor blamed Superboy, insisting he had ruined them. In time, Luthor turned criminal and was sent to a reformatory.

Lex's parents were horrified by their son's actions and disowned him [Let me guess: Luthor blamed Superboy?]. They left Smallville, changed their name to Thorul (an anagram of Luthor [Real fucking clever. Assholes.]), and told their little daughter Lena that her brother had died in a mountain-climbing accident ["But mom! Luthor's too lazy to walk to the fucking store! He spends all his time masturbating into beakers and showing people the life he created!"]. Not long afterward, Mr. and Mrs. "Thorul" were killed in an auto accident, and Lena grew up not knowing that her brother was the notorious Lex Luthor.

Luthor continued to bedevil Superboy as they grew up. It was in the summer between Clark Kent's last two years of college that Luthor unwittingly did the world a great favor. Overcome by the death of a friend that he was unable to prevent, Superboy had gone into retirement. A challenge from Luthor brought him back into action [Seriously? That's what the world owes him a favor for? As if Superboy wouldn't have come out of retirement at the first hint of a kitten about to climb a tree it could never possibly get down.].

Later, when Lois Lane (see Lois Lane) was doing a feature article on New England witchcraft, she met a librarian named Lena Thorul and planned to mention her in the story--complete with pictures. Luthor used his science in an attempt to scare Lois off the story. Superman discovered the truth, but he and Lois promised to keep the secret of Lena's identity even from her.

Lena later moved to Midvale, met Supergirl (see Supergirl), and finally married Jeff Colby, an FBI man who had once arrested Luthor!

Some time after, Luthor challenged Superman to a duel on a red-sun world, where the Man of Steel would have no powers. They discovered the people had slipped back from civilization to savagery. Lex began helping them, and they thought of him as a hero. He finally surrendered to Superman on the condition that his foe use his powers to send the water which that world needed.

The planet changed its name to Lexor, in Luthor's honor, and he married a young woman there, Ardora. He might have lived there as a hero, but he always returned to Earth to renew his feud with Superman.

Lena had a son, Val, and lost her husband. However, she did learn that Lex was her brother.

Ardora also had a son, but soon after Lex found an ancient battle-armor on Lexor, which seems to have caused erratic actions on his part. This led to the destruction of Lexor during a battle with Superman. Luthor blamed the Man of Might [Jesus Christ. Was that all Lex Luthor did? Constantly blame Superman for everything? "Goddammit! I shit myself! I'll get you, Superman!"] for the death of his wife and son. For a time, he had headquarters on a fragment of Lexor in the Atlantic, but Superman recently discovered it and arrested Lex there [Superman has the power to arrest people? No matter where they are on Earth? Has every country in the world deputized him?].

POWERS & WEAPONS
Like his Earth-Two counterpart [It's like the editors of this thing expect me to read the entries in order!], Lex depends primarily on his scientific genius, but with that on his side,he needs no powers and can create all sorts of weapons.

His new battle-armor makes him almost a physical match for Superman [And it doesn't look stupid at all!].